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#no shade to my friends who aren't comf w that obviously
agayconcept
·
2 months
Text
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#when im extra depressed i watch old yt compilations
#this week is critical role moments
#and ugh. Ugh
#i always forget how mf touch-starved and affection-starved i am until i watch those 8 interact w each other
#like. always touching. so much touching
#i havent had a cuddly / touchy friend in like 6+ years and i am Suffering for it
#like as much as w any other people im v touch-averse and dont want that at all
#when it comes to friends i am extremely pro touch and genuinely love being affectionate
#and i Can't
#and sometimes that sucks ngl
#no shade to my friends who aren't comf w that obviously
#that's 100% gr8 and i would never push or wanna make them uncomf lots of ppl dont like that
#i just. used to always have at least 1 friend who /was/ okay with it that i could be as cuddly as i wanted with
#and now i dont and it ??? is getting to a point where it is almost painful
#like str8 up i've had to talk to my therapist abt this the last 6 months bc its becoming a bit dire
#hugs r wonderful dont get me wrong but thats the max amount of touch for my ok-with-touch friends
#and the rest r no-touch
#whereas im sitting here like 😭😭😭 PLS I JUST WANNA HOLD SOMEONE'S HAND
#OR LEAN MY HEAD ON SOMEONE'S SHOULDER OR HAVE AN ARM AROUND A WAIST OR A HEAD IN A LAP
#OR STR8 UP SNUGGLIN ON A COUCH
#I DESPERATELY NEED IT
#ANY OF IT IT DOESNT NEED TO BE ALL OF THAT
#I FEEL LIKE I AM SHRIVELLING UP LIKE A SENTIENT RAISIN INSIDE
#JUST HAVIN ALL THE LIFE SUCKED OUT OF ME THRU LACK OF TOUCH
#I WANT SOMEONE TO RUFFLE MY HAIR OR PAT MY ARM OR KISS MY CHEEK
#HELL I'LL TAKE A HAND ON MY BACK PURELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF STOPPING ME FROM WALKING INTO TRAFFIC
#WHICH AT THIS POINT I AM TEMPTED TO DO DUE TO EMOTIONAL DISTRESS LMAO (DEVASTATED LAUGHTER)
#aiyaiyai and i cant even just go and Make New Friends bc most spaces to do that arent accessible or safe for me
#the only friends i've made in the last few years r thru Mutual Autism Vibes~ and they're all anti-touch
#WHERE R THE OTHER TOUCH-STARVED CUDDLY AUTISTICS AT ??? WHERE R U ??? COME FIND ME PLS I BEG !!! i feel like im gonna die fr
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