#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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When someone toxic needs a friend
I just wanna add a little personal reflection to the discussion of Spinelâs treatment in Steven Universe: The Movie.
A few signposts so you know where Iâm starting with this:
A criticism Iâve seen:Â
Steven was not particularly warm to Spinel. He did not hug her. He did not offer to be her friend. He spoke carelessly and triggered her toward becoming murderous again. He only cared about what she could do for him.
A perspective Iâve seen:Â
LOTS of people with borderline personality disorder or strong feelings about abandonment personally relate to Spinel and are critical of Steven from this perspective.
Rebecca Sugarâs commentary on Spinel:
The thing about Spinel is that sheâs a really toxic person.Â
Sheâs so toxic that sheâs literally trying to poison people.Â
In my interactions with friends who have had a history difficult enough to make it hard for them to trust other people and sometimes even actively want to hurt others, itâs just a very difficult situation to navigate. In the case of Spinel and all of these characters, thatâs extremely exaggerated because cartoons have the ability to be extreme exaggerations. I wanted to explore what itâs like when youâre trying to help someone who really doesnât want to help themselves, who wants to embody the negative feelings that they have about themselves. I think thatâs something really real. I hadnât seen that in a cartoon before.Â
Spinel, unlike many other characters, actually has the goal of hurting people, which is new territory for the show. She really wants to hurt Steven, and thereâs a reason that she doesâbecause sheâs in so much pain. I just wanted to explore all the dimensions of that.
I also think Steven has his way of trying to handle and dissolve conflict. Itâs not necessarily a good way for him to handle this situation. It really leaves him in a difficult state, and I think what I wanted to show in the way that they interact is that at a certain point, when you canât help someone, you have to be able to protect yourself.Â
Ultimately, he canât really convince her to change. Itâs something sheâll have to want for herself. But what he can do is protect himself from her, making it impossible for her to hurt him.Â
Itâs sort of up to you if you would like to love her. If you watch this movie and she, you know, frustrates you, that is totally fair. I want that to be a big part of who she is.
[From the AV Club interview]
So here are a few things I want to shed light on.
Itâs very interesting that Rebecca intended Spinel to be read as âa toxic personâ because so many fans fell in love with her, said theyâd be her friend, hated intensely on Pink Diamond because of what she did to abandon the poor Gem, and sympathized with her directly. But Rebecca was looking at Spinel from Stevenâs perspective. And thatâs also what I did.
Iâve been Steven. I have VERY much been Steven.
When you meet someone who was done dirty, when you recognize the horror theyâve been through, when you see how much pain they are in and agree they have the right to be angry, itâs natural for empathetic people to offer themselves as comfort.
But when youâre Steven, you also know it isnât YOUR fault either. Before you have the ability and experience to set boundaries, you can get sucked into other peopleâs stormy waters and think youâre helping if you drown in solidarity with them. Whatâs really important to preserving yourself is learning that you can stand on the boat and toss a life preserver. That it doesnât ACTUALLY HELP to jump in the water and sink with them.
Some folks are angry that Steven didnât jump right into sacrifice himself on the altar of friendship in the service of an intense, literally murderous stranger who tried to poison him and his planet and lash out at his friends, robbing them of their rich pasts and their relationships because all of it hurt HER so much. It is SO easy to understand WHY SPINEL WAS ANGRY. But nothing she was doing to Steven, his friends, or the Earth was going to fix her problems, and furthermore, she FULLY UNDERSTOOD that it was NOT THE FAULT of any of the people she took her anger out on. It was irrational, yes, and that is part of her dysfunction. But also, in these situations, what helps explain it still does not excuse it.
Some have railed at Steven saying he somehow forgave genocidal tyrants like the Diamonds but couldnât be friends with a damaged Gem like Spinel who just wanted friendship. The big difference there is that Steven got involved with the Diamonds when both parties believed he was a different person. The Diamonds believed he was the lost Pink Diamond, and Steven has also spent much of his superhero life believing he WAS his mother and was therefore obligated to accept punishment for her crimes or to clean up the messes she made. Now that he knows he is not her and that she did some pretty horrible stuff, he also wants the right to stop feeling responsible for every person Pink hurt in the entire region of space.
Steven gave Spinel basically compassionate treatment. He did not abuse her. He did not insult her. He occasionally coddled her when it seemed important (and though some said he was too businesslike while he pursued his mission, he was literally looking at the world ending within two days if he didnât solve the problem). And most importantly . . . .
He let her leave the garden.
Spinel stayed in the garden all those millennia because Pink Diamond told her they were playing a game. All that time, she had visions of Pink returning so she could see her smile, hear her laughter. We see a sequence where she tried to follow Pink out of the garden and Pink manipulated her into staying willingly. We watch those feet leaving and one pair of feet staying behind. We see Pink disappear.
When Steven goes to leave the garden, Spinel follows in the same manner. Some have criticized him for letting go of her hands.
But he invited her out of the garden. He didnât say stay. He said come with me.
As he sang about her deserving someone better, he was sincere. But he did not say the person to make her feel found should be him. He did not want to take on another person with thousands of years of baggage who would require a specific brand of attention and so much tenderness to avoid snapping. He did not allow her to be held by the hand and led out. He recognized that she needed encouragement to leave this place because of what was done to her, but he wanted her to take the steps.
Compassionate people are crushed all the time under the weight of needy people who make it hurt to love. People like Steven can acknowledge that Spinel deserves love and deserves to be happy without accepting that itâs heartless to stop short of personally doing it. Especially when you literally have to take physical, mental, and emotional damage as a general consequence of offering support and counseling. It is sometimes just beyond what you can do.
I made the mistake several times of getting very close to someone who treated me poorly while taking comfort in my presence. I cared that they were hurt and I didnât know how to say âYou deserve loveâ without stepping in and loving them. In EVERY case I was involved with, the person went from initially grateful to âwhy donât you help me more?â shockingly quickly, and two of them deliberately tried to create situations where I would be trapped with them and isolated from others.Â
I could get very personal here but I donât think I need to. Those of us who relate all too well to Steven wanting to help others will have been in this situation. Your heart hurts for people who live with pain that has never touched you, but when theyâve made it clear with one of their first actions that they feel satisfied at the idea of ruining your life, trusting them could mean the end of you. Especially if they demand that you risk life and limb to fix and save them before youâd dare to call it love, and especially if they want to be fixed without feeling responsible for initiating any of it. Some people mistake suffering for working hard toward a goal. Both can hurt but only one is constructive. If Iâm expected to spend extensive resources on someone, I need some partnership in the goal, and I canât accomplish that with someone whose wish for companionship manifests as âI want you to feel as bad as I do, and will take steps to hurt you so I have someone to cry with.â
Steven risked his actual life while he didnât have powers so he could go talk to Spinel, and he wouldnât fight her when she wanted to fight. He protected himself while she spent her anger. He STILL put himself in the line of fire far more than a less compassionate person would. He took time and tenderness to listen to her story and sympathize with her, tell her she deserved better, bear witness to what sheâd become after being treated like a discarded plaything, and bring her hope with promises of a new future and a way to feel found.
Sadly, Spinel flipped back to being murderous at the first sign that Steven might be about to prioritize someone other than her, reframing his reasonable needs as if he was planning to abandon her, isolate her, discard her. This was a trauma reaction, yes, and she isnât entirely to blame for being upset because she was worried she was just being used and none of her actions were logically thought through.Â
But does someone ever âdeserveâ the friendship of a specific person who canât feel warm toward them because of their OWN bad experiences?Â
No!Â
Steven has a big heart but he has his very own huge storehouse of trauma, and being physically attacked with his family and planet put in danger over the actions of his mother is at the top of the list. Instead of assuming that the person who has trauma the loudest is the most hurt, canât we just acknowledge that Spinelâs and Stevenâs respective traumas make them NOT the best match for friendship?
The ending of the movie, with Spinel going off with the Diamonds, might seem a little disturbing with all the codepencency floating around there, but if you want to talk about compassion, I think this is a good place for Spinel to start.Â
She just wanted to make Pink Diamond laugh and enjoy her life. She longed to do that for so long and then it all ended when she found out she would NEVER GET TO DO IT. I think bonding with the other Diamonds and having a familiar, safe place to experience the kind of love sheâs used to will be a good FOUNDATION for building herself into a person beyond that. For now, she needs comfort. I hope they treat her well.
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Though I believe the relationship between most of the hs fandom and the hs2 writing team is pretty toxic I think your 'us and them' attitude is going to perpetuate this. Your posts frame them as villain of sorts and the actions of some justify your distane of them all. I do not know the lives of these people nor all the beliefs they hold within themselves or if they all agree with each other. You need to lurn to be concise in your arguments and where to draw the line between fiction and reality.
The âus and themâ mentality was founded by their attempts to isolate a significant percent of the fandom away from the recent content. This is not me perpetuating an ideology; it is me pointing out the flaws in what is happening, currently, and giving voice to the people who have been isolated by the writers and feel as if they are the only ones who feel the way they do.Â
I have stated several times how things could improve, and frankly, I think I have been rather fair in many of my assessments - especially at the beginning, when most of the content was being released. But the fact of the matter is, it probably wonât change unless the writers can change the views of people like Kate or talk over her views in Homestuck^2 itself. Because the fandom isnât the issue, actually; itâs solely in the hands of the writing team.
They are the people with the power, here. They decide what goes into the text, how things are presented, what views come through. They are capable of implementing every transphobic, homophobic, abuse apologist, anti-survivor sentiment weâve seen in the comic so far - and theyâre just as capable to... not do those things. They know their content is triggering. They know how much of the fandom can and cannot handle these things, and how much trigger warnings are important to individual people. And they have actively done everything they can to harm the fandom - have admitted to doing so, actually - that they possibly can.Â
You do not take chapter-by-chapter trigger warnings away if you do not want to hurt the people reading your content. You do not respond to criticism by calling your fanbase transmisoynists because you donât want to admit that your favourite is an abuser. You do not try to make everything you do better by claiming that canon is dead when you are writing the official story.Â
What you seem to have completely misunderstood is that we are powerless in this relationship. Yes, we can complain; yes, we can plead; yes, we can try to appeal to them; but they are the ones writing the content. We are only the consumers. They can literally do anything they want to these characters, and they will, and have, merely to spite us. They can make the comic as dangerous as possible to mentally ill people as punishment for daring to say that they werenât handling triggers well.Â
I likewise do not know the lives of the people on the HS^2 team. I do, however, know most of their beliefs - because they do a damn good job of being transparent about it on Twitter. Their beliefs are toxic at best, and outright violent at worst. The problem is, of course, that it doesnât matter if they donât agree with each other on these views; theyâre still coming through loud and clear.Â
If the âgoodâ writers are unable to stop the âbadâ writers from pumping HS^2 full of untagged triggers, badly-handled sensitive content, incest, abuse apologism, transphobia, and victim denial, then that honestly says a lot about either:Â
- How loud the âbadâ voices are that the âgoodâ ones are being spoken over
orÂ
- How quiet the supposed âgoodâ voices are, and how much they might actually agree with the âbadâ voices
I would also like you to, quite kindly, go through and read literally any of my posts. I have gone over several times the distinction between fiction and reality -and how, also, the opinions of a person in fiction tend to shine through in their reality as well. Kateâs abuse apologism isnât just towards Vriska. She genuinely believes that. The same way as her transphobia isnât just a fictional thing; she talks over transmen and masc-aligned enbies all the fucking time, and tells them that they donât have a voice. Her racism is evident in the trivialisation of the BLM movement - and her outright hatred of Gamzee, who is very clearly meant to be an anti-black stereotype, as well as a representation of psychosis.Â
The fact of the matter is, they need to be held accountable. We cannot just say, âoh, actually, us vs them doesnât workâ, because us with them didnât work, either. They have started this mentality, made it clear that they are not with us, and in fact that they actively want to hurt us. All we want is for them to listen to genuine criticism and accept it, to take into account what people are saying - what transmen, mentally ill people, poc, and abuse survivors are trying to tell them - and handle the topics theyâre bringing up with slightly more care.
Iâve said several times in my posts that this would literally fix everything. If all we got was an apology, an âwe, as a team, are sorry for the hurt we have caused; we have reinstated a better trigger list on each chapter, we are listening to views more closely and have retconned some events that were transphobic/racist/homophobic, or we will take more care with them in the future, and for those instances that did happen, here is an explanation that isnât just denial or us saying that weâre the writers and you have to accept what we doâ, then... weâd have nothing to be upset about. The fandom would be content, would support HS^2, would be more than happy to praise the writers and break the âus v themâ mentality.Â
But they havenât, and they seem to outright refuse to do so. And why the fuck should we be the ones to give? If we donât hold them accountable, they will never change. They will continue to implement harmful and toxic views into Homestuck^2 without criticism or care. We, as a fandom, should not be the ones to end the âus v themâ mentality when we are the ones being actively hurt, when they are the ones with the power, when they began the mentality to begin with.Â
Of course, if you donât find that this ask sits well with you, Iâd like to suggest some advice to you the same that the writers like to tell us about Homestuck^2 and its content:
If you donât like it, youâre free to leave. You are in no way obliged to interact at all. In fact, this could be the perfect place for you to write your own posts! Because, naturally, mine have no actual sentiment behind them and should not be viewed in any capacity by people who donât agree with me, specifically.Â
(I want to point out, of course, that the above paragraph is satire. You can do as you damn well please, and this blog IS meant to be interacted with. But maybe now you can see the irony - and fury - behind HS^2 for fans. Imagine if every time I got an ask even vaguely going against my own views, I just turned around and said, âsorry sweetie, not my problem, go do your own shitâ. After a while youâd get fed up, and Iâd get a callout for actively ignoring valid criticism. I donât see why, in this capacity, the HS^2 writers shouldnât be faced with the same.)
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I'm organizing the walk out at my school and I want to know if you've got any tips. We're doing the March one first. I've got connections to the local news and two people running for congress will be there to support us. They've already pledged to give the spotlight to the students and teachers. I've spreading the word and giving alternatives to anybody who can't do it (writing to representatives, day of silence). What else can I do? What should I do in case of conflict? Should I bring signs?
One thing I can think of that I havenât seen a lot of is a âpeacebondingâ process. So at things like Ren Faires, Conventions, and other costumed events, people who have mock or real weapons have a ribbon or zip-tie in a bright color, both to identify the weapon and to show that this person has agreed to not draw their weapon. Iâm thinking that a bright orange ribbon or wristband would be a good idea, to show both each other and the media, the police, and anyone who youâre protesting with, that youâve pledged nonviolence. Thatâs SO important. This is a protest against violence, against guns, against mass shootings. By openly declaring that youâre angry (rightly so), that youâre going to make the world bend to your will, that youâre going to raise your voice in opposition against a concept that has literally dogged your entire school career. Youâre showing both solidarity, and declaring fundamentally war on violence. Even people who arenât protesting actively, who want to show support, can wear a peacebond wristband or ribbon. Orange wristbands or zip-ties, with a clearly labeled peacebonding table. Anyone wearing a wristband is obligated to follow whatever peacebonding rules you put in place. No hitting, no throwing things, no drawing weapons. Iâd say get your congresspeople and news media to actually remark on that also. Thatâs really the only idea I have for keeping you and your people visibly safe. As for things you can do while on walkout: Stage âstudy-insâ. In your local legislature buildings, at any gun show youâre nearby, something that is involved in your protest. Bring your schoolbooks, maybe a whiteboard or three, and if teachers want to show up too? Thatâs awesome. Until gun control laws are passed, keep up with your education independently. Ask your teachers what they would want to teach if they didnât have a board-mandated ciriculum, and hold those lessons in public, maybe with a livestream service on so people can follow along. Social media is going to be your most amazing tool. Take pictures and video. Compose and practice speeches. Get outside advice (like youâve done reaching out to me. Iâm not an expert. Iâm not a professional protestor. Iâm not a techer. Itâs been almost ten years since I was a student.) Iâm maybe not the best voice, but Iâm willing to stand beside the students of this country and speak out. If you want help editing speeches, if you want help with public speaking advice, if you want help with homework, reach out to me and others in the writing community. Find the kids in your group who like writing, and ask them to write you content. Speeches, twitter posts, poetry, music. Make the steps of your local legislature, your state capitol building, your school administration buildings a stage. Make some noise.It takes incredible rage and courage to do what you and your classmates are doing. Standing up to an authority that has ruled your entire life is hard. Itâs not going to get easier. Itâs not going to be a quick fix. Expect to be out of school up to a year. Donât let your studies slip. Keep in mind: A GED is just fine for getting into college with, and acts like a High School Diploma. Study for the SATs and the ACTS and the ASFAB. The world is a classroom, and teachers are everywhere. Listen critically to what they say, do the fact checking for yourself. Donât assume that an adult is telling you the truth. (Not even me.)Â DO THE RESEARCH. Your facts must be infallible, as the accusatory party. Look your elected officials in the eye. Maybe wear the date of the next election your eligible to vote in on a sticker, or a sign.
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Fic Wars [LLSB] Chapter 1
This is the first chapter of a fanfic @littleladysongbirdââ and I are writing for the Fic Wars! The official eventâs blog is @fandomficwars!
Fandom: Camp Camp Tags: Dadvid Ratings: G [general]
Enjoy!
On the last day of spring the camp was empty.
On the first day of summer there was two people and the Quartermaster.
Obviously, the campers weren't meant to come for another week or two, but the counselors had to prepare the camp and check if anything needed any repairs.
Or, to be precise, the counselor, singular.
Gwen still had some personal matters to tend to, and wouldnât get to the camp until a day or two before the first campers would show up.
So who was the other person at the camp?
It was the one, who always came first and always left last, despite claiming to hate that place.
The one who always scoffed at his parents for sending him away for the whole summer and some more, even though he probably considered that their only good quality.
The person in question is, of course, Max.
***
âAhhhh, I missed the camp!â David sighed, jumping out of the car. âNothingâs better than some good old forest!â
âYou literally take care of a park for a living.â Grumbled Max, clambering out of the car.
âBut itâs not the same! Here⌠Here I just feel more alive than ever!â
The man enthusiastically circled the car and opened the trunk, revealing an old, neat bag and a small, freshly-bought backpack.
âI still canât believe your parents let you go with your things in a trash bag!â
Max only shrugged, not looking at him.
âThe backpack fell apart half an hour before you were supposed to pick me up, they had to improvise. And the trash back was the biggest bag we had at our place. Besides, you bought me a fucking new one, so thereâs no problem now.â
David took the baggage out, letting Max take his backpack out of his hands. He closed the trunk, lost in thoughts.
âIt really isnât a good sign. Caring parents should always-â
âThey literally called you to take me to the camp weeks before itâs starting, David. Which part of this is screaming caring parents to you?â
That seemed to get through the thick cocoon of optimism David submerged himself into, and his smile diminished a little.
âIf I was your legal guardian, youâd be here now too.â He pointed out.
âYeah, but youâd be with me and youâd actually want me to be with you. Knowing my parents theyâre either on the airport or already at the plane to whatever place they chose to go to this year.â
They slowly made their way over to the councilors cabin. Few steps before the doors the smile came back on his face.
âWell, all that matters now is that you are with me and I want you to be here!â He said cheerfully. âLetâs settle down our luggage and prepare for the best summer camp ever!â
Maxâs groaned, but there was no emotion behind it.
***
âAlrighty, the tents are up! Whatâs next on our list?â David asked, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
Max glanced at his pad.
âChecking the camp activitiesâ sites for any damage,â he read, âYouâre seriously doing that? I thought these stuff are just left until they rot completely, judging by their looks.â
âWe never had any proper funding before.â The man gulped down what was left in his water bottle. âWe never could do much to fit the safety requirements, but somehow it never was an issue during the inspections.â
He picked up the tool set and made his way over to where the camp activitiesâ stands were placed. Max obediently toddled after him.
âCampbell bribed them?â he guessed.
âPossibly, yes.â
âSo he got no money to fix the stands, but heâs got plenty of cash to bribe the inspectors not to see any problems?â
David laughed.
âYes, it seems so.â He said. âApparently the Camp Critic Committee is very eager to look the other way if they get to avoid paying taxes in Thailand.â
Max was so surprised he stopped dead in his tracks.
âWhat the fuck are they even doing in Thailand?â
âLanguage, Max,â David scolded gently, going more by habit than any real hope for change. âI guess they do something with really high taxes to need the tax relief.â
âThat really doesnât help at all.â
***
âThe last on the list is⌠Did you really put in âRemember to eat and get a goodnightâs sleep!â?â
David put the last stone, creating a pull circle around the place designated for campfire at the opening day of the camp. Â
âEating and sleeping schedule is very important, Max!â He said, wiping his hands on his trousers. âBesides, we need to check the mess hall anyway!â
Max just sighed and followed the way too happy adult to the most used building in the whole camp - second only when counting the bathrooms, especially after some more special meals made by Quartermaster.
But soon his mood got significantly better when they discovered that some of said meals got leftover from last year, and promptly took over the kitchen when no one was looking.
âNo inspection will overlook this,â Max managed to gasp out while rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
David looked like someone just forced him to kick a puppy, looking around the molded shelves, trying to asses the damage.
âYeah,â he agreed softly, âAnd it looks way to bad for us to handle alone. Iâm afraid weâll have to call a specialist.â
He tried to poke a particularly big piece of fungi, but reasonably decided not to when it attempted to eat his finger.
âMaybe two specialists.â
Max laughed so hard he started crying.
***
They ended up getting pizza that night.
Max ate silently, trying not to think about the last time they ate one together, and failing miserably.
Noticing his bad mood, David tried to cheer him up a little, or at least make him forget whatever was troubling him.
âPizza might not be the healthiest of all meals, but itâs definitely one of the easiest to make and tastiest to eat!â he exclaimed, waving around his slice, ignoring the cheese slowly trying to escape on the ground.
Max stared at the poster on the wall, slightly irked by how askew it was. He was definitely going to level it the first chance he got.
âMy parents say itâs the lowest of all foods and never let me get any.â He said out of social obligation not to leave David hanging.
The man gasped loudly.
âBut itâs one of the very few things you genuinely enjoy!â
âDo you really think my parents give a shit about it?â he sneered, waving away some wisties that got to the cabin through the open window and very persistently tried to steal olives from his pizza. âI thought we established that already.â
David was silent for a while, sitting still enough for the wistie to try and steal the olive from his slice.
He obviously let the little creature have it, even though it was his favorite part. The man was simply too kind for his own good, literally.
âI just⌠I still canât believe how anyone can treat their child that wayâŚâ
Max looked him directly into the eyes.
âI was an accident,â he said, voice unwavering. He took another bite of the pizza, feeding off of both the food and Davidâs disturbance.
âWhat?â he asked, probably still hoping he just misheard him, the damn optimist.
âI wasnât planned. My mom didnât want to marry dad, but she was forced to by her influential family. They didnât want a scandal, they couldâve made her life a living nightmare if they wanted to, and she was perfectly aware of it. Mom never wanted to have kids too, and wanted to get an abortion, but she was having sex with anything that moved and grandparents wanted to punish her for it.â
David sat speechless, his pizza long since forgotten. Max continued before he could bet coherent enough to speak.
âAnd this is what she got. A sarcastic little shit. She was so ashamed of having me, that she forced her parents to let her move here.â He shook his head. âCan you blame her?â he laughed dryly.
âYes,â David answered without a second of hesitation. âI can and I do.â
Now it was Maxâs turn to look at him without a word.
âAre you serious?â
David didnât even need to answer - the look on his face, more serious than any other time Max could remember seeing his face without a smile on it, said it all.
âSheâs your mother. She should love you. She shouldnât be ashamed - she should be proud of you.â
If Max opened his eyes any wider, he just new his eyeballs would fall out of the sockets.
âProud of me?â he asked. âProud of fucking what? Loving me? For what? Iâm not exactly the loveable kind of a son!â
Knowing David, his hands itched really hard to reach and hug Max. But being aware the boy didnât like this kind of behavior, he didnât act out on this desire.
âEvery kind of a son is loveable!â He said, every bit of passion he wouldâve used in the hug going into that exclamation. âAnd youâre really intelligent and talented! Your crocheting is extraordinary!â
Max raised his brow.
âNewsflash, Iâm an asshole.â He said simply.
âIt doesnât matter!â David countered, âYouâre just a child! You deserve to be loved!â
That single word took Max back to all the hours spent on listening to his parents arguments. They never missed the opportunity to tell him he should be glad he was alive.
That he didnât deserve the things theyâve been getting him. That he didnât deserve the food, or the house he was living in.
That he didnât deserve to be born.
âMaxâŚ?â
He couldnât answer, but he didnât need to; the man couldnât stand watching the boy being miserable anymore, and wrapped his arms around him in what was probably the tightest hug anyone has given him.
Come to think of it, he couldnât remember anyone but David even wanting to hug him before.
He let David hold him for a while, but all good things had to end sometime. He didnât even know he was crying until he noticed the spot his tears left on Davidâs shirt. He winced, expecting to get punished for it, before he remembered it was David he was dealing with. Â
âI donât deserve to be loved.â He mumbled. âI canât be loved.â
âMax,â David said quietly, âMax, look at me.â
The boy did so, however unwillingly.
He saw an emotion in the manâs eyes. Emotion he saw when other parents were looking at their children, but it was never directed at him.
âI love you, Max,â David said, his voice gentle, comforting.
âYou love everyone!â Max tried to argue. He was used to disappointment, but this was too much. He didnât want to be given love, just for the man to take it back at the end of the summer.
He wouldnât be able to take it; He preferred to make it look like he hated David, like he couldnât stand him.
Because when people donât care about you, they forget. And when they forget, they canât hurt you.
Max knew it far too well for a child his age. He wasnât going to get his hopes up, and he wasnât going to be let down.
Especially not by David.
âI do love lots of people,â the man agreed, âBut that doesnât mean I love you any less.â
That feeling, when you promise yourself that you wonât do something, and then you end up doing it. Max hated that feeling. But the hope he had, the hope for David to mean what he was saying, he hated it even more.
âAnd so what?â He said, as rudely as he only could, trying to discourage David from going any further. âSo what? It wonât change a thing about my situation! Once the summerâs over, you and your precious love will be miles away!â
David looked like he wanted to say something about it, but he seemed to change his mind.
âBut the summer isnât over yet!â He said instead, âAnd it wonât be for another three months!â
Max couldnât believe his own ears. He was doing everything he could to push the man away⌠But the man was holding on to him, and wasnât letting him go that easily.
âYouâre the bane of my existence,â he said dejected, for he knew it wasnât going to end well for either of them.
But David just grinned, as if Max agreed with him.
âI love you too,â he said, confirming the boyâs suspicion. âBut now, beds! Weâve still got lots to do tomorrow!â
The boy gladly accepted the end of their conversation, obediently going to sleep at Gwenâs yet unoccupied bed.
And soon the room is silent, save for the wisties stealing the remains of their food, the quiet sounds of two people breathing, and ominous sounds of Quartermaster moving outside.
#cc Max#cc David#Camp Camp#Dadvid#fic wars#littleladysongbird#Emily's writing#my writing#my fanfiction#fandomficwars
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