#no one in my childhood was crass enough to SAY 'beware of black and brown men'

[mariposakitten]

Piggybacking off of this - even before having genderfeels, I was always a little uncomfortable with womanhood because, well... so much of white womanhood, the "shared experiences" we were all supposed to bond over, revolved around fear. Specifically, fear of men.

Of men in general, yes, but especially of scary, "different" men. Men with dark skin, men with accents, men of "foreign" religions. Poor or homeless men. Dirty men. Smelly men. Mentally ill men, or men on drugs. Strangers in parking lots. Everyone walks to their car with their keys poking out through their fist, they'd say. (I never did.) Everyone feels uncomfortable when the only two people in an elevator are you and a strange man, they'd tell us. (I never was.) Was I just bad at being a woman?

In 41 years of life, I have felt genuinely unsafe because of a man a grand total of 5 times. First of all, that's a pretty good ratio of threats to years on this earth. Second of all, it's not that much higher than the times I've felt unsafe because of a woman, so, just throwing that out there.

Of those 5? All were white. 2 were frat boys at a fairly prestigious college. (One, in retrospect, meant no real harm; he was just so high he had no clue what was even going on, bless his heart. The other, however, was a drunk asshole looking to impress his drunk buddies by humiliating a random "girl" for lolz.) One was a clean-cut young military boy. One was a sad-eyed, non-threatening member of my social group, at an event that required at least a couple hundred dollars of disposable income to attend. The last was a bright-eyed and eager Christian lad who didn't understand that not taking no for an answer is just as creepy when it comes to proselytizing as when it comes to sex.

My point is, none of them were "scary, strange" men. They were clean-cut and attractive. Most of them were, if not well-off, at least comfortably solvent. Yet they were the ones who pushed my boundaries, invaded my personal space, touched me without permission, lied to and manipulated me, and didn't take no for an answer.

And this isn't to say "well, that proves you can't trust ANY man." No! Because again, those 5 guys are a drop in the bucket compared to the MANY, MANY wonderful, respectful, trustworthy guys I've known in my time, but also and more to the point, I've had plenty of opportunities to be around "scary, strange men." I've walked home alone through the "bad part of town" and met the other people out on those streets at night, I've been stranded and dependent on the kindness of strangers, I've talked to homeless guys and I've been approached in parking lots by guys so strung out on who knows what drugs* that they could barely form a coherent sentence, and I've tried to calm down mentally ill* guys having a meltdown in public, and you know what? None of those guys ever gave me a hard time or seemed interested in hurting me or being inappropriate towards me.

(*I am only guessing what was going on with those dudes; I am not a doctor and there's several possible explanations for their behavior!)

And I'm not saying my experiences are universal, gods no. I'm just saying that you can't predict who might try to harm you, and that thinking that any given man, and especially a marginalized man, is somehow more of a risk than anyone else is... kinda dumb. Because the things (white) women tend to be taught to look out for don't actually map onto where threats are likely to come from.

And maybe I'm also saying that MOST people on this earth, of any gender or race or socioeconomic status or anything else, are more likely to help a stranger than harm them. And that it's unhealthy and unproductive to live your life in fear of half of the population, and to teach other women that it's normal to do so. That it's bad for you and also bad for the people you're fearing. And maybe I'm saying that solidarity and sisterhood shouldn't revolve around "here are the people we all hate and fear," ESPECIALLY when a good chunk of those people are marginalized and vulnerable.

And maybe this isn't even my lane anymore, as I don't consider myself a woman. But I was raised a girl and socialized as a woman, and I grew up being taught (not by my parents but by society as a whole) to fear men, and especially certain types of men, and so yeah, I do think I'm allowed to point out that that was bullshit and that we shouldn't be teaching girls that.

(And maybe, just maybe, I'm seeing this resurgence of radical feminism and its whole shtick of "all men are the enemy! masculinity is evil and penises are poison!" and my stomach is just. Churning.)