#no one does it like george costanza

[doctorcurdlejr]

Niko!! what'd you think of I saw the tv glow. I finally saw it last night and noticed you posting about it so I wanted to know your thoughts :)

Levi!!! I was JUST wondering what you were thinking about the movie after I saw you posting about it as well... we are so media discussion pilled in this way, it's awesome. ANYWAYS I've had so many thoughts since I first saw it and I've been trying to turn them into something coherent for a little bit now.

Ummm okay I have written 1k+ words about this movie, the suburbs, and escapism via teen TV.... clearly I was dying for somebody to ask this I guess so thank you for indulging me <3

First and foremost, I absolutely loved it! I've seen it twice now and the first time I watched it I got to see Jane Schoenbrun talk about the film right after. I already really liked it from that first watch alone. I found it so deeply relatable to my experiences - both in terms of growing up gay and trans, but where I am now in my 20s trying to navigate adulthood. Hearing what Schoenbrun had to say really cemented my feelings and thoughts about the film.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a big influence on the movie (it's why Amber Benson makes a cameo as Johnny Link's mom). Even though I don't have the same emotional link to Buffy since I never watched it, I recognize it as the same type of warmth I experienced growing up with Riverdale. When Owen says he feels like his insides have been scooped out but that he's too afraid to look and have that wrongness everybody knows is there be confirmed, Maddy simply responds "Maybe you're like Isabel. Afraid of what's inside you." Tears forming but not falling, breathing shallowly, I grabbed the paper and pen the theater keeps at the seats for people to order food with and wrote that line down - the slip of paper is still somewhere in my car. Writing it now almost feels lame in its simplicity, but it felt like my insides were being flayed open.

During the director discussion, Schoenbrun talked a little bit about this idea of how truly fucking bizarre it is to grow up in the suburbs. Like, when we think about the pinnacle of normality in American culture, it's the image of middle-class cis-hetero-white suburbia. At the same time, despite this cultural dream of normality, everybody is hyper-aware that the suburbs are one of the least normal things ever. So, the ACTUAL cultural understanding of it is that it's where we go to, like, passively kill ourselves (*George Costanza voice* WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY YOU KNOW!). This idea isn't new, I mean there are so many films and shows about navigating that specific bizarre dissonance from Rebel Without a Cause to Heathers to Twin Peaks. Probably half the pre-teen to teen TV I watched obsessively growing up, stuff like Strange Days at Blake Holsey High, Making Fiends, Truth or Scare, and eventually Riverdale, were never shy about being weird and morbid and saying "yes, the suburbs are exactly as bizarre and lethal in the ways you can already feel in your bones at 13." I Saw the TV Glow does a really good job of keying not only into that mental dissonance but more specifically into how those of us who have felt so intrinsically weird and different and wrong fell back on these shows like they were capable of doing the emotional version of a rescue breath maneuver after being drowned.

In high school, if there were two things about me that any person who even vaguely knew me could list off it was that I watched Riverdale, and I was a lesbian - and I was mocked more for the Riverdale. At that age, I was, without a doubt, the most miserable I have ever felt in my life. I rarely left the house because my family lived in a development that made me want to scratch my skin off when I walked out our front door. Owen didn't leave the house for days, afraid Maddy could somehow force him out. I sobbed constantly and frequently to depressing indie rock on the floor of my closet while hoping my family would just once read the (honest to god) KEEP OUT poster plastered on my door since I didn't have a lock on it. Owen didn't leave his room for days, afraid of what Maddy recognized in him. I didn't go on dates and kept my chest binder shoved to the bottom of my bookbag while wearing dresses that could've come from a how-to-be the perfect 50s housewife manual. Owen didn't leave his bed for days, afraid of Maddy touching his neck and Isabel's dress. I also watched Riverdale with the kind of zeal you see in a Pentecostal who has found God and started speaking in tongues to let you know it. I own a button that says, "Don't Make Me Go Dark Betty On You," I cherish it in a way that is only achieved by knowing exactly how corny and trite it is and then moving straight past that because well actually, and most people wouldn't get this, she's holding back something deeply dark and wild and- and disgusting. something painful yet intrinsically her. but i get it, obviously. or maybe not obviously! hopefully not obviously, but- basically, I'm just saying I get it: the experience of reflection and recognition through the other and all that.

Whatever, the point is that this movie is one big glaring trans allegory about how it sucks dog shit to live in the suburbs, and even at our most repressed we find these little snow globes of actualization in the glow of a tv screen that isn't afraid to show you the world you see. I've seen some people say that, like, in this context accepting or coming into your transness is this monumental death of self, which I get, but I feel there lacks a nuance in that because either way Owen is dying. Unlike Maddy who buries herself alive only to come out renewed, Owen doesn't kill himself upon facing the reality that the world is constructed to keep him miserable and the only way out is to take back what it is that the world wants to keep scooped out of him. Instead he just passively lets it drag him to a much more permanent death. This lack of suicide sucks in the kind of way that forces you to sit in your car on the midnight drive home and think to yourself am I letting myself suffocate because at some point knowing the misery became less scary than admitting I've been capable of doing something about it the whole time?

Clearly, I’ve been enchanted by the film’s narrative and meta-textual language. If you're familiar with it, you can see how Schoenbrun built this movie like a long-form dream episode of a canceled teen show filmed in Vancouver. Lynchian? Yeah, sure. Riverdalesque? THIS we cannot possibly deny. Schoenbrun said they included Amber Benson as an act of healing the inner rage experienced at Tara’s death in Buffy. This is a Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa ending Riverdale with a bisexual polycule after his gay Archie play got ceased-and-desisted type move. There’s probably more I could say about the soundtrack and the visuals, but I’ve hit over 1k words on this, so I’ll leave it at I enjoyed this movie a lot. :)

Maddy is an out lesbian who left town to escape the misery and found it strapped to her ankles. She slinks out, an animal pressed against the gymnasium floor, and says "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know." Owen looks into the camera and narrates. He cuts himself open with a box cutter, fully acknowledges what's there, and the movie ends with his suffocating apology parade for the unremarkable inconvenience of his excruciating suffering. You can be gay and trans, you can know it and you can stop repressing it, but you're not going to stop suffocating until you can find a way to destroy the part of you that truly deeply does want to die, reaching for the comforting euthanasia of normalcy. Stop visiting the dream of the life you want and make it into your reality with the same kind of unrepentant conviction seen in some underfunded but wildly ambitious teen television series. In other words: you must try to survive the ego death of being weird. A weirdo, who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in!

[meangirls-imagines]

Welcome to the Poly!Plasticsverse!

collab with: @yungpoetfics (my fav bubs in the world)

Regina George

@queenbgina/@callmereginald (she/her)

North Shore's Queen Bee

Soft for her girlfriends

The mom of the group

Basically a sugar mommy for her girls

Lifehack Geek

TikTok hater

Has rational fear of werewolves

Will fight a bitch

Victoria's Secret girly

Female rapper stan (Doja, Cardi, Megan, etc.)

Gryffindor

Lesbian

Gretchen Wieners

@thegretchenw/@greatgretsby (she/her/it (only if ur special))

The second mom of the group

Softest human

Loves playing with her girlfriends hair

#1 Twilight hater

Has a letterboxd account just to leave bad reviews

The level headed one usually, but will snap when she needs

Cuddly as fuck

Loves Fleur du Mal lingerie

Stubborn as Fuck

Wine drinker/expert

Loves vintage music (Elvis, Elton John, etc.)

Hufflepuff

Bisexual

Karen Shetty

@karebearz/@karensheetty (any pronouns)

Ambidextrous™️

Loves Spongebob

Plant Parent

Knows Britney Spears and Lady Gaga choreo

Kpop girly (Blackpink, BTS, etc.)

Lettering expert

Has Funko Pop collection

Squishmallow lover

Ravenclaw

Pansexual

Cady Heron

@cady_heron/@defnotcaddy (she/her)

The third mom of the group

Whispers when angry

Carries bandaids at all times

Always has snacks

Lactose Intolerant (but LOVES cheese)

Cries at Rom-Coms

LOVES hugs

Cannot handle spicy food

Sleeps with a teddy bear

Happy to be here

Friends with everyone's parents

Token vanilla of the group

Has diary (with a heart shaped lock)

Bisexual

Aaron Samuels

@aaronsammy/@atomicaaron (he/him) or (ho/mie)

1/3 of Terror Trio

Y/N's best friend

North Shore's resident Himbo

Will do anything if someone says "I dare you"

Impulsive buyer

Has one brain cell (shares it with Y/N)

Overuses 💪 emoji

Usually confused

1/2 Golden Retriever duo

Can skateboard

Uses Axe body spray

Co-founder of Stuntmares

Dreams of grabbing a teddy in a claw machine (bucket list item)

Ass man

Owns too many grey sweatpants

Kisses his homies (homiesexual)

Has never watched Harry Potter

Watches lifestyle coaches on YT

Can play the ukulele (really badly)

Loves Eminem and Harry Styles (would fuck Harry Styles)

Writes Larry Stylinson fanfics

Kissed Y/N once (regretted immediately)

Bisexual

Damian Hubbard

@hubbarddamian/@damianishubby (he/him/they)

Learned how to sew from Janis

Does drag and has a YT channel (Anita Dick)

Huge Adore Delano stan

Will fight anyone who hurts Janis

Doesn't like Rupaul as a person, but is a religious Drag Race fan

#1 Poly!Plastics fan

Has an 8 step skincare routine

Cameraman for Stuntmares

Earlybird

Lies about having curfew to go to sleep early

Ravenclaw

(Lowkey wishes he was a Slytherin bc it's the "cuntiest house"

Him and Karen watch The Bachelor

Fav movie is Dirty Dancing (did the lift with Janis)

Learned how to twerk from Y/N

Gay

Janis Imi'Ike

@janiisimiike/@imiikenough (she/they)

Secret Barbie girly(live action and animated movies)

Will go straight for Ryan Gosling

Feral chihuahua of the group

Hozier stan

HATES THE KARDASHIANS

Pain in Regina's ass

Anger Issues™️

Secretly loves Olivia Rodrigo

Mentally Ill friend

Emotional Drunk

Karaoke Queen

Tits girly

Leather Jacket lesbian

Getting piercings > therapy

Has a suit collection

Thrifter

Loves her friends

Dog person (secretly)

Quotes niche memes

Kinky af

Middle Child

Lesbian

Y/N Y/L/N (FC: Chrissy Costanza)

@thisbeyn/@reginaslefttit (she/he/they/it)

2/3 Terror Trio

2/2 Golden Retriever duo

Has matching fried egg tattoo with Aaron.

Co-Founder of Stuntmares

"Hi, I'm Y/N and welcome to Stuntmares" *jumps off roof into pool*

Cuts her own hair

Blooper Reel Queen

North Shore's resident stoner

AUDHD (autistic + ADHD)

Playlists range from Beethoven to ashnikko

"IT'S NOT A PHASE. IT'S A LIFESTYLE."

Demisexual

Plays electric guitar

Has slight speech impediment

Gremlin of the group

D&D Dungeon Master

ALWAYS falls asleep during movie night

Power Nap Addict™️

Insomniac

Monster Energy Drink Enthusiast (collects the cans)

Oddly good at Origami

Tweets everything she thinks

Has been banned from Fortnite and Roblox

Married to Gretchen on The Sims (regina and karen were sad)

Anger issues

✨Spicy✨ Latina (do not fuck with her people)

Matching rings with her gfs

Def had one night stand with Cady

Shane Oman

@shaneomann/@omantastic (he/him) or (dumb/hoe)

Loves Old School Rap (Biggie, Tupac, Snoop Dogg, etc.)

Hates Y/N at first but comes to love her like a sister.

Only person who can outsmoke Y/N.

Has a dropped truck with red LED lights under it.

Blasts music walking down the halls.

Always has the zoomies.

Orange cat friend.

Has elevator music playing in his head 24/7.

Challenged Damian to a dance off. (He lost. But he had girls simping over him)

Posts thirst traps on TikTok. (Regina's mom is his #1 follower)

Has a frying pan tattooed to match Aaron and Y/N.

Always on Stuntmares trying to create new world records.

Or eating a bunch of weird combos.

"Oman! Not again!" *proceeds to eat a marshmallow and spam sandwich*

Ralph Lauren man

Whenever the polycule argues, he's a "fuck this shit, I'm out" person.

Professional party crasher

Dine and Dash expert

Has nipple piercings (Aaron and Y/N dared him to get them)

Curses like a fucking sailor (Half of his lines on Stuntmares are just censor beeps)

Talks way too fast.

Knows Italian and Spanish (Him and Y/N talk shit in Spanish)

His ringtone for Aaron and Y/N is the remix of the Windows error sound

Loves t-shirts with offensive prints (Regina tries to make him dress normally)

Has gc with Aaron and Y/N called "Hoemies"

Would fuck Aaron

TICKLISH

Major gossip (Him and Gretchen meet once a week to talk shit)

[lovelyamneris]

young George Costanza show called Young George filmed and written in the style of Young Sheldon (in the sense that it’s still sitcom style, has similar humor to OG Seinfeld, no laugh track, and some occasional serious moments) and it follows George from freshman to senior year and his parents are in it and Jerry and Jerry’s parents are in it and maybe they can cameo Elaine and Kramer in only one episode (like the episode of young sheldon where it showed all his friends as kids for like two seconds and that’s it, or maybe they just do an Elaine and Kramer centric episode or two that doesn’t have any George and Jerry in it at all). And anyways if this show eats and devours like I imagine it would they can even do Jerry and George in their college years leading up to when Jerry does his first standup and George gets his job as a realtor and idc idc you can all boo me and call this a terrible idea but I know in my heart it would be amazing. Now I know what you’re thinking. Does this mean that someone other than Jerry Seinfeld will be playing Jerry Seinfeld in the Jerry Seinfeld show? yes sir, and actually this time it’s the George Costanza show so thank you. And as long as the writing is good and they make me cry one (1) time we’re good LOL

[tonitheloftwing]

I SAW THAT POST TOO LMAO

its crazy, like if you’re gonna be an exclus at least be consistent

“Men can’t be lesbians unless they’re genderfluid bc they’re not REALLY men” LIKE DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF???

Queer discourse of any sort seriously drives me insane, but lesbian discourse makes my head hurt more than anything else 😭 my journey of coming to ID as an aro lesbian who loves bald and/or pathetic baby men in fiction was a long one wrought with distress, mainly due to people who go around pretending to be the Gay Police. Like, as of right now, I’m a mostly cis, mostly female-aligned, lesbian who is only attracted to women irl, which fits most people’s idea of what a lesbian is. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by lesbian exclusionaries, because every single time someone comes up on my dash being like “I hate lesboys I hate mspec lesbians!!!” I’m like. Well what if later down the line my gender shifts to be more masculine again. And I like my little fictional boxer boys, does that make me a “bad” lesbian?

This is the new talking point i try to use as leverage against exclusionary ppl. By being exclusionary towards certain groups of lesbians, you’re hurting all the lesbians - even the ones you’re white-knighting for in your exclusionary statements - because you’re showing us that if we do something you don’t like with our gender or sexuality/romantic identity, you’ll come after us. If i see somebody being exclusionary, I automatically assume they’re gonna see me kissing George costanza’s bald head and make a callout post about it because he’s a stinky, rotten man.

This is very discombobulated bc I have thoughts. But tldr, as someone who isn’t mspec and is hardly male-aligned, I still hate exclusionaries. Especially exclusionaries who use “you’re hurting the real lesbians!” As an excuse to be nasty. Like no, I think lesboys and mspec lesbians are cool and them existing has done no harm to me.

And that’s not even addressing how a lot of lesbian discourse loops back around into like, radfem/terf bioessencialist territory. Men are not inherently evil and scary and bad. Just liking women doesn’t make you a better person than someone who likes men, or men and women, or anybody in between. We’re all just beings at the end of the day, and gender is made up anyways.

To end on at least a funny note, here’s a tumblr post from yaoiboypussy that I will be thinking about every time i hear ppl fighting over lesbians now

Also I’m sorry for not answering this sooner, tumblr never gave me the notif 😔

UPDATE JUNE 14: I THOUGHT I POSTED THIS DAYS AGO AND I GUESS I DIDNT. OOPS

[mrigasiras]

I once read a book about greek goddess archetypes. And I found the one that fit me the most was Artemis, the moon goddess of the hunt and forest . Little did I know I was picking up on my own Atmakaraka energy, which falls in Mrigasirsa.

Mrigasirsa's symbol is a deer's head. Its myth is associated to Yagya, who turned himself into a deer to escape Shiva's wrath. Although, the wrath wasn't 100% warranted. So it is about wandering and chasing endlessly, like an innocent deer in the woods. Its deity is Soma, the god of the nectar of immortal bliss.

So you can see this youthful, doe-like nature in Mrigasirsa natives. But they also have an anxious, nervous energy about them, perhaps worried that someone will bring Shiva's wrath upon them. George Costanza's character in Seinfeld reminds me of this aspect of Mrigasirsa.

Soma is related to the Moon. So the connection to the moon as well as the deer, makes me think of Artemis. Artemis did not want to get married and was a virgin Goddess, so she instead protected and wandered the woods. She and her brother Apollo are said to be eternally youthful.

You can perfectly see a modern version of this archetype in Katniss in the Hunger Games, played by Jennifer Lawrence, Mrigasirsa moon.

So I notice this fiercely independent but fickle nature in myself and other Mrigasirsa women. There's also a certain looney-ness to its natives that I have noticed... perhaps a result of the intoxicating nature of Soma.

Mrigasirsa also makes one have good intuition, a good detective. They are good at seeing the missing pieces in a puzzle, and fashioning their own theories. Because they have such a gentle and naive disposition however, others tend to not take these theories seriously, and many times Mrigasirsa natives themselves have a hard time discerning fact from fiction.

[tyrantisterror]

Gonna have a normal one today, gang. Anyway, do you remember Detective Munch?

He debuted in Homicide: Life on the Streets, which was basically a heavily compromised first draft of The Wire that was hobbled by being on NBC instead of HBO, and thus had a much lower budget and much stricter executive control. It's still pretty good in a lot of the ways The Wire is good, but parts of it hold up pretty badly for being kinda corny and/or the kind of explicit copaganda that The Wire usually avoided being. Notably, the earlier seasons of Homicide show shades of the criticism of cops as an institution that would come to define The Wire, only to lose them completely in the later seasons as the executives retooled it to be more like its contemporaries, Law and Order and NYPD Blue.

(It's not a genre I normally dabble in, but I heartily recommend The Wire. Though like all shows it's not faultless, it does a far better job of critiquing institutions than any other show about crime I can recall seeing, trying to show how crime is a result of societal pressures and how police are woefully incompetent at truly solving it, instead only perpetuating the cycle we're told they're here to stop. Each season focuses on different institutions that contribute to crime, with the fourth season being one of the most honest and well-informed critiques of the American education system I've ever seen in media - painfully so, at times.)

Anyway, Munch! Munch is one of the main ensemble of Homicide, and begins the series as kind of a loser piece of shit, a cynical and downright incompetent detective who's constantly putting his foot in his mouth and annoying his colleagues. He is, of course, a joy to watch - he's got that George Costanza charm, that Larry David rizz, where you know he's a human trainwreck but you can't help but want to see him get into messes and try to talk his way out of them. He proved popular enough to get some nice character arcs as the series went along, and played fairly big roles in the show's crossover episodes with Law and Order.

And that might have sparked some recognition in your brain, because while Munch debuted on Homicide, when it ended, he was given a second chance at a cop show - Law and Order: SVU. That show's a little too sensational for my enjoyment, but it's arguably what pushed Munch to fame... and to more crossovers.

Through 22 seasons of television, Munch made cameo appearances in The X Files, The Beat, Arrested Development, Sesame Street, The Wire, and more. That means that through Munch, all of these events canonically happened in the grim and gritty universe of The Wire:

(Side note: Leech Man and Grover both struck up friendships with Bubbles at rehab. Grover was Leech Man's sponsor.)

Unfortunately, the passing of Munch's actor means his prolific career has come to an end, though he has been namedropped in a few shows, so perhaps his legacy can live on still. So I ask you, friends: do you remember Detective Munch?

[toxicanonymity]

Hello there - big fan of ur writing here🥹!!

And I saw requests were open so..

I wanted to ask - what about a short one where reader gets hurt by a fleeing victim of Michael but he manages to protect you? Seeing your man defend you turns reader on and things get rather.. steamy ;)?

Only if you feel comfortable ofc!! Thank you and please keep up your awesome writing!!

If I feel comfortable . . . Oh, my sweet, summer child. I love this scenario!! Hope it isn't too explicit - not sure where the line is for "steamy" 😅 Thank you so much for the kind words and hot ask 🖤 tried to be gender neutral.

Get Out of the Way <500 | michael myers x reader (GN) | NSFW; canon-typical violence

Michael has been keeping you under lock and key ever since he let you survive, so when he finally lets you out of your house, you don’t mind that it’s just to go to the gas station with him. Michael almost has to duck to get in the door to the convenience store, and you follow behind him.

Once the cashier sees Michael, the look of horror on her face alerts the people in line and there’s chaos as they try to flee. Michael picks off his first victim and lifts them up into the air. Meanwhile, a man yells "get out of the way!" and pushes you. Your head hits a sharp corner of a shelf. Michael does a double take and immediately slashes the victim he's holding, then drops them.

Michael grabs the man who hurt you before he can get out the door. Meanwhile, you run for cover behind the counter. Michael slams the man's head in the door, slashes his throat, and stabs him repeatedly as he gurgles and gasps for air. Michael is so pissed. His chest is heaving, his fists are clenched. It's the hottest thing you've ever seen. When the man is beyond dead, Michael turns his attention to you, letting any other victims escape.

It only takes Michael a few long strides to reach you. He comes around where you are and crowds you up against the counter, facing the store. You get butterflies between the legs as his imposing figure looms over you. He's still worked up and breathing heavily. He looks at the offending victim on the ground and scoffs. Michael caresses your wound and looks at the blood on his fingers and tilts his head. He strokes your neck, then his massive arms engulf you in a big, protective hug, while unbeknownst to him, your whole body buzzes with desire.

He hugs you tighter, and you feel his hard cock twitch against you. You softly moan and can't resist - you wedge your hand between the two of you to stroke him through his jumpsuit. He hardens further. The size of it horrifies you, but the warm, pulsing stiffness makes you weak in the knees, and you throb with desire.

Michael rips open the crotch of your pants, then hoists you up onto the counter. As he unzips himself, you notice a big, round surveillance mirror up on the wall where you can see him looming over you, dwarfing you, and the sight of it turns you on even more. He holds your hips and you wrap your legs and arms around him. Your mouth falls open as he makes space for himself, fills you up, then begins to rail you. In the mirror, you look like a rag doll in his massive hands as he manhandles you. It's primal and raw. He has you seeing stars within minutes.

@ethanhoewke @wolvesandvampires @rebel-blue

(a/n) i didnt wanna ruin the mood with the gif, but the guy who pushes you is played by george costanza

[frogadir]

Okay I'm literally falling asleep as I type this so I just want to get my point out there while it feels immediate to me... 03 moment

Episode 1

The famous atheist speech we all know and love... never mind that ed has come as close as any human can to staring god in the face <3 his bad attitude and cynicism are all over this, so it's funny to hear al call it out by name at the end. Especially remarking on the fact that he's trying to push his beliefs onto someone who's fighting them...

Episode 50

So obviously a lot happens between episodes 1 and 50, and this increasingly difficult journey culminates in ed finding himself on the other side of the gate, disturbed by the revelation that equivalent exchange, the foundation of his belief system, might not be real. Ed's found himself in a similar position to rose in episode 1, whose beliefs he tore apart... now it's hohenheim telling ed what he doesn't want to hear, and ed fighting against it. Compare the first highlighted line in the episode 50 scene to the first highlighted line in the episode 1 scene... he goes from mocking rose's dedication to... more or less earnestly saying he believes in an idea he once made fun of... and the highlighted line at the end has been one of my favorites for a long time. cynicism is crucial to ed's character, so what does it mean for him to give up on it? to stop acting like he doesn't care about anything? because that was never true. He was protecting himself from getting hurt again. He put his faith in something that seriously did not work out for him lol and it changed the course of his life... and then he watched a lot of bad things continue to happen... it's no wonder he developed the attitude that he did. But at what is perhaps his lowest point he turns around and says actually I want to believe in something good... it's better than writing off the world

and I don't think faith is purely religious and/or spiritual. There are a lot of things we can believe in as ways of centering ourselves in this world. We're losing the plot here a little sorry just stay with me but like so many times growing up in hebrew school we would talk about whether or not we believed in god. and I didn't have an answer to that as a kid because if I spoke I knew I would say I don't think I do and I was too embarrassed to admit that to everyone. I would think why would god let bad things happen. and as I got older I decided that life wasn't that simple. I always think about the george costanza quote where he's like "I only believe in god for the bad things" lol. because sometimes when life gets hard and you don't understand why things are happening it's easiest to blame some higher power for fucking you up. but no one really knows if god is real and that aside ultimately our lives are our own. so you can believe in god you don't have to though but either way it helps to have a little faith that things will be okay... not necessarily in a religious way but in a like... I made it this far I'm still here and I can keep going as long as I believe in myself way... Okay so I literally don't know what I'm talking about anymore actually I do but like I am definitely saying some bullshit rn but yeah. That line. I think about it a lot and watching that clip from episode 1 over a few times because I put it in my presentation got me thinking about how these scenes reflect each other... and also I think it's awesome that after he says that a flaming zeppelin falls on him and he gets trapped under the rubble. Crazy stuff

[fuckmeyer]

"disturbed, depressed, inadequate": Edward Cullen & George Costanza, cringefail twinsies

as we all know, Twilight and Seinfeld are canonically set in the same universe. we see blatant clues scattered throughout both series. (e.g., Stephenie Meyer prefacing New Moon with the entirety of Jerry Seinfeld's opening stand-up from season 4's "The Outing;" Jerry making a Twilight reference in "The Soup" episode of Seinfeld, etc.) most notably, we see Edward Cullen & George Costanza's personalities mirror each other in a way that extends far beyond "pure" "coincidence." upon closer examination, they are the same person in parallel universes.

the two are, canonically, absolute losers seemingly broken beyond repair, self-saboteurs who waffle between moments of self-aggrandizement and self-loathing. their negative self-image, insecurities, & belief that they do not deserve love are recurring themes in their respective series.

among other things, George describes himself as "disturbed, depressed, inadequate," ("The Visa," S04) "completely insecure, paranoid, [and] neurotic" ("The Beard," S06). he is the self-proclaimed "Lord of the Idiots" ("The Apartment," S02) who is sure of only one thing: "There is no bigger loser than me" ("The Strike," S09).

in the Twilight Saga, Edward repeatedly calls himself "selfish" & a "monster." in Midnight Sun, he's a "coward" (37), "evil" (374) & an "obsessed stalker" (94). clearly depressed in the way he describes his "long melancholy" (138) as "an unending, unchanging midnight" (136), he quickly pinpoints the feelings behind his hatred for Bella: "What I really hated was myself" (26). his distaste for Mike Newton & jealousy of Jacob Black stem from his insecurity, while his paranoia has him assuming, among other things, that a meteor will crash down & bonk Bella out of existence (131). Edward's telepathy has him always on the alert for intruders, resulting in baseless conclusions. "Idiot," Rose calls him (97, 129, 145, 202, 314). idiot, indeed.

Edward & George's low self-esteem compel them to lie, unable to live up to the perceived expectations of others. after Edward saves Bella from a car accident, he lies to her to keep her away. "I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play—I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel" (MS, 90). beyond shielding her from his true nature, he is shielding her from a deeper truth: "I didn't deserve any link, any claim to her at all" (728). that is, Edward does not consider himself worthy of Bella's love. he even point-blank admits it to her at prom: "I'm not worth it." (782)

George, too, struggles to live up to assumed perceptions: “You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real. That's when it all falls apart. What good is real?" ("The Visa," S04) like Edward, he engages in deceptive tactics throughout the series to keep his partners at arm's length, from creating falsehoods about himself to preventing his fiancée from fraternizing with his friends & entering his world. ("The Pool Guy," S07) Edward, more succinct, sends Bella the same message in New Moon: "My world is not for you." (37)

in fact, one of the few traits George & Edward possess that is not negatively regarded is their ability to lie. Edward's declaration that "I was not an incompetent liar" (MS, 77) seems an understatement when, not 10 pages later, he says, "Perhaps I was too good a liar if I could fool Carlisle" (85). he claims to feel guilty; then again, Bella often notes him lying outright or by omission in the series.

"I lie every second of my life," George brags in season 2's "The Apartment." "My whole life is a sham." other characters acknowledge & praise this ability. in the episode "The Beard" (S06), Jerry begs George to help him beat a polygraph test, calling his ability "a gift." just as Edward dramatizes his lying to "putting on a show," George likens his talent to singing opera: "It's like saying to Pavarotti, 'Teach me to sing like you.'" the advice he gives Jerry aptly sums up George's philosophy: "It's not a lie if you believe it." how fitting that this is the mindset Edward employs to stay in Bella's life a little longer.

George & Edward's relationships not only showcase their ability to lie but follow similar paths. George faces Edward's exact dilemma: the choice to deny his nature (to the point of becoming vegetarian!) for an attractive woman in "The Secretary" episode of season 6. "You're luscious," he says to a beautiful applicant for an open secretary position. "You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra." George chooses not to hire the attractive secretary... but ends up sleeping with his 'unattractive' secretary anyway. Edward, meanwhile, does the opposite: he chooses vegetarianism and to date the object of his affection, albeit with personal turmoil. where Edward chooses to be the man, George chooses to be the monster.

unsurprisingly, however, their low self-esteem is a frequent barrier to their romantic pursuits. these insecurities even lead them to preemptively decide to break up with their significant other. in George's case, the breakup in season 3's "The Pez Dispenser" is a means for him to protect himself & regain control:

“A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity.”

Edward seemingly breaks up with Bella to protect her. he knows he will leave her by page 368 of Midnight Sun. by page 746, he admits he's lying when he swears he won't leave her. "[T]he time would come, I was sure now, when I would have to convince her [I didn't want her]" (747). best-case scenario, he thinks, she will outgrow him (781), though it's clear she intends on forever. despite the evidence from Alice that Bella will be a catatonic mess, he leaves...several months later, after a near-fatal brush with Jasper. one might argue Edward's fear of love & intimacy leads him to break up with her as a means to protect himself from the harsh reality that she will die.

ultimately, George & Edward's failures in physical & emotional intimacy are rooted, at least in part, in an aversion to sex.

for both, the desire to feed presents a barrier to their lovemaking. Edward is unable to prolong his kisses with Bella, citing his thirst. he compares himself to "an alcoholic" & Bella to "a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac..." (Twilight, 13). similarly, in season 9's "The Blood," George finds he is always hungry around his partner & can't make love to her without eating. his attempt to introduce strawberries, chocolate sauce, & pastrami on rye into the bedroom snowballs into him sneaking sandwiches into bed. though George, unlike Edward, can satiate himself without murdering his girlfriend, his desire to feed still leads to his demise.

this aversion to sex extends beyond a conflict with their baser selves, however. we see George & Edward's insecurities & low self-esteem take a central role in their inability to engage in intimate relations.

“I don't like when a woman says, ‘Make love to me,’" says George in season 3's "The Stranded." "It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.”

this quote perfectly encapsulates Edward & Bella's wedding night. despite being intimidated by Bella's demand for sex, Edward acquiesces. upon discovering he bruised Bella, Edward confirms his worst fears, calls himself a monster, and says: "I'm...so sorry, Bella. [...] I am more sorry than I can tell you" (Breaking Dawn, 61). he then promises, "I will not make love with you until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again." (66)

oddly enough, the bleak outlook Edward takes on his sex life (i.e., not possible (Twilight, 147) & unrealistic (Eclipse, 299)) mirrors George's feelings re: sexual intimacy in "The Pony Remark" (S02):

“You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.”

is this aversion to intimacy with women a product of George & Edward being queer-coded characters? even if Edward didn't worship the ground on which Carlisle "the soul of [the] family" (MS, 96) walked to the point where he hopes his face resembles Carlisle's "perfect" one (24, 387), he constantly thinks of his creator & tries to live up to Carlisle's perception of him (28, 347, 383, 387). this seems innocuous enough until we consider the fact that the vampire genre itself has queer roots. vampires have always served as a symbol for social outcasts; homosexual depictions, from the 1872 novel Carmilla to the 2020s reboot of Interview with a Vampire, are a common feature of the genre. through this lens, the virginal Edward Cullen pushing away his heterosexual partner while he envisions Carlisle's face takes on different connotations.

George, deeply in denial of his sexuality, upholds odd "rules" to avoid being seen as gay, from refusing to sit "boy-boy-girl" in a car ("The Ex-Girlfriend," S02), to reminding Jerry of his "unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality" before declaring Jerry's new jacket "fabulous." (his singing show tunes throughout "The Jacket" (S02)  still earns him the title of gay by another character, however.) he frequently goes into a gay panic: from being called out on his attraction to Jerry ("The Cartoon," S09), to being accused of falling in love with his friend Tony ("The Stall," S05), to being explicitly labeled as Jerry's romantic partner in season 4's "The Outing," he responds to challenges to his heterosexuality with anger, anxiety, dismay, & denial. he even shouts "IT [his penis] MOVED!" in response to being touched by an attractive male masseuse ("The Masseuse," S05). regardless of whether George may be gay or bisexual, George's record of "staunch heterosexuality" seems not as "unblemished" as he would like us to believe.

given all the similarities, one might think the biggest difference is their species: Edward is a mindreading vampire and George is a human. but George does note having an advanced sense of perception akin to Edward's telepathy: "I was personable, I was bright. [...] I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party" ("The Opposite," S05). additionally, while George may not be a literal vampire, he does have a parasitic nature. cheap & selfish, he frequently mooches off his friends & leaves them footing the bill. he also lies & manipulates for his own gain, including but not limited to faking a disability to have access to his own private bathroom at work ("The Butter Shave," S09), setting up a fake charity to avoid buying Christmas presents for his coworkers ("The Strike," S09), & falsifying statements to extend his unemployment benefits ("The Boyfriend, Part 1," S03). leeching off of others & the community is a hallmark of vampirism.

ultimately, the uncanny parallels between these two characters are impossible to ignore. George & Edward seem indeed the same person mirrored into different universes. so, what does this say about their creator(s)? this "coincidence" naturally begs the question: Are Jerry Seinfeld and Stephenie Meyer the same person? in Part 2 of this essay, we expl—

[shivroy]

i neeeeeduhhhhh to draw old guard art because i absolutely adore how the artist i just reblogged does it but i picture frank as a (cute.) balding guy. like a george costanza hair situation (yes i think george is cute okay. okay) and logan looking like roman and shiv at their present age got slammed together in a hydraulic press and steven universe fused into one dude. aka i imagine logan as chubby w orange hair at a roman length

[dogwhizzer]

i don't know that much about jason alexander but i fuck with him on the basis that george costanza consistently does numbers on here and the fact that he's just hidden all over the theater world like Wym he was gay with stephen bogardus that one time. Wym he played Mendel Weisenbachfeld in 2007. Wym he was in a christmas carol musical. like You know what good for fucking you man

[outoftoucherlocksholmes]

please remind me! what are the costanza moments? my seinfeld knowledge is fuzzy and limited so i didnt think of it 😅

the first one is the literal opening scene where jolyne gets caught masturbating. in the seinfeld episode "the contest", this happens to george (except it's his mother who catches him and not a prison guard) and then he sheepishly tells jerry, then he swears off masturbation forever in a fit of embarrassment, and THEN when questioned further he suggests that they bet to see who can go longer without jackin' off. now, back to jolyne. she gets caught. she sheepishly admits this. then she swears off masturbation forever in a fit of embarrassment. i, watching this, giggle and say "wow this is so george costanza". and then another prisoner challenges her about it and she says "you wanna bet on who can last longer [without jackin' off]?". so. yeah. pretty direct parallel there.

the SECOND george costanza moment is in the iconic pork v salmon cafeteria scene. in the seinfeld episode "the opposite", george realises that the reason he's failed at everything in life is because he's, well, george, so if he starts acting less like george he'll do better. he reaches the conclusion that he needs to do the exact opposite of whatever it is he'd normally do or whatever his gut instinct is, and if he becomes Opposite George he'll become well-liked. the first thing he does is order a chicken sandwich instead of a tuna one. now let's think about foo fighters. they tell jolyne that they're aware of how people in the prison, generally speaking, don't like them or respect them at all, and sure it's bc of atroe's reputation but nothing changed since foo fighters took over. so they reach the conclusion that they need to just... do the opposite of everything they'd normally do or whatever their gut instinct is. and the first thing they do is swap up their lunch order.

#costanzasweep

[the-firebird69]

You see three images of people posing in provocative positions their men one of them is bona fide and real George Costanza on some sort of large ottoman. It's coated the second one is Billy Hicks with very short shorts lederhosen real long legs and arms very white not emaciated but thin on some sort of love seat and his midsection no his rear-ended junk is kind of obscured because he sinks into the couch and he's not big and he's holding his right leg way up with his right arm and it looks freaky now that's coded and we think by him but he's a numbskull there's a third one a friend here gets real big wants to torment Brad a little not much tell them to put a couple plates on and climb up on the bar and hang on so Brad feeling a little queasy about it decided to do a pose and these guys are obnoxious so it means something from these guys what he says is he figures it out and stuff but really it's kind of like third hand or something yeah it might be coming through us what it means is these three are doing things that are not really natural near him and to him and they're not really getting paid for it and it's a little bit beyond what you usually do and Costanza was Michael goodhue and it's quite an act for someone who is not very bright and he's in there doing it and he said you okay now we get what it means and he is in massive denial and he's in the show about nothing and people are saying it back then these people are distraction and they're really not that great at anything and they're taking her time up and we know who produced the show and originated it and it might be our friend pointing out his own clan and he's stuck here and doesn't want to go there and this kidnapping stuff has something to do with it we do too but we're behind he knows about us trying to solicit support he knows how we're going to try and do it and with who and stuff and a lot of people do but as he says time goes by and people get worn out by it but we might not be able to do anything and we have to figure out what the mystery he's on right now and we're out there and these guys are out there and there's a fight between the trumpsters and everybody else with me and the trumps just don't do that great and it starts the Superman series this stuff has been boiling over and festering for about three or four days and finally it stopped at the person filling in for a Kat von d and their houses are going to be horribly horribly ruined and moved around and might come back intact and that's strange I'm all following him and we are finally seeing it he says he was really unhappy that we couldn't figure out what he was talking about he's up in Canada and he swears the mall is the same thing and who the hell would be following him around with a mall it's bad enough the small rats are following him so he thinks it's Nathaniel Hawthorne that just screwing around with him and he started beating him up a little he's trying to figure it out then he says okay they're supposedly something under the churches what's happened with the church it's very basic thinking and he feels a lot of stuff out it's not very easy you have to know a lot and so we looked into it and we found out there's something to it and we have a gap there but there's nothing there and we said how can you move them all and you move it with a ship and yeah we had activity we don't know who no we know who ships they were but what did he touch on underneath we don't know and we got to figure it out okay he's our competitions and people are going to be watching us and trying to ask her stuff and so does he

Hulk Hogan

This is a massive find and like I said it his face is going right up the butt of Gabriel and he's not very happy about it and doesn't talk that way but he says yeah it looks that way but we're touching on stuff that we might not want to and we know that but we have to it's intriguing and disgusting and horrifying and yeah the mall following your kid around and it's like a kid and says you know I like them all but give me a break. And yeah that's funny that's really it's true damn it

Brock Lesnar

Well I can't tell everybody what I'm doing right now

So yeah I can't remember my name

Olympus

[cola-losers]

[Chorus: Tom Cardy] Put a bit of fruit and salad together Make a fruit salad, yeah everyone's a winner Sweetness of fruit variety of salad Ooh fruit salad you're the best of both worlds Put a bit of fruit and salad together Make a fruit salad, yeah everyone's a winner Sweetness of fruit variety of salad Ooh fruit salad you're the best of both worlds

[Post-Chorus: Tom Cardy] I feel like Rambo with a Mango Fruit salad mother fucker (best of both worlds) Eat a salad it can't be wrong 'Cause it makes me stronger (best of both worlds)

[Verse 2: Tom Cardy, Julia] Everybody want to hear you talk When you rock a glass bowl and a big fat fork Get busy mixing kiwi and banana Get the big salad like George Costanza Step 1 Get some fruit and chop it Depending on the fruit remove the skin of it Step 2 There are no more steps Eat it up, make another, get your fruit salad reps Be cool when you're talking FS be cool And remember Tommy knows best knows best One rule for the fruit salad show Don't you dare include the tomato It's a fruit it's a fruit I get it But if it's not sweet then you can forget it Don't believe the labels of society FS does not reward blind compliancy Chilli is a fruit, but don't put it in a fruit salad Corn is a fruit, get it out of my fruit salad Cucumber is a fruit, but it doesn't belong If it's going in the tum tum gotta be yum yum

[Chorus: All] Put a bit of fruit and salad together Make a fruit salad, yeah everyone's a winner Sweetness of fruit variety of salad Ooh fruit salad you're the best of both worlds Put a bit of fruit and salad together Make a fruit salad, yeah everyone's a winner Sweetness of fruit variety of salad Ooh fruit salad you're the best of both worlds

[Outro: Tom Cardy, Julia] Oooooh lemme hear you sing it la la La la, la la la la Fruit salad mother fucker La la, la la la la Best of both worlds La la, la la la la La la, la la la la Fruit salad mother fucker La la, la la la la Best of both worlds La la, la la la la La la, la la

Hey I'm really not into asks that are just a copypasta or lyrics or whatever

Doesn't make me laugh or smile or even really amuses me. Like maybe it's the depression but I felt nothing with this

Sorry you didn't get an amusing response

[embright]

thus far I have refrained from adding any propaganda to these posts but since this is the grand finale I decided to finally sit down and write. readmore since this will be a long analysis.

let me first say that friends on the other side is a fantastic song, and probably the last great disney villain song we've gotten. there's something about it that just hits. it's catchy, it's pure evil, it's got some dazzling visuals and actually holds a lot of weight in the plot.

friends on the other side is exactly what a good disney villain song should be: it's ominous, it's gleefully wicked, it's got so much of that signature charm and flair that makes disney villains so memorable.

that being said, here's why Hellfire deserves to win.

Claude Frollo himself is such a wonderful villain because he is so not Disney.

Villains like Facilier- and Scar, and Ursula, and everyone else who didn't make it to the finals- they're charming. They're flashy, they're exciting, they're intimidating but in the way where we can revel in their chaos and chuckle along with their maniacal laughter. They're fun. You can buy keychains of them.

Frollo is a fucking nightmare.

Despite the George Costanza gargoyle and the silly songs and the burp jokes, HoND is still a movie based on a book (and an opera), written by a former Catholic man questioning his faith in the early 19th century. You can still feel Hugo's turmoil, even behind the guise of pretty Disney animation and singing gargoyles.

Hellfire is so good. Everything about it is written to perfection. The music, the lyricism, the symbolic elements, the visuals. Hellfire represents such an evil character so clearly and heart-wrenchingly vulnerable in a way that the typical Disney villain song won't.

"But Hellfire isn't as catchy!" it's not supposed to be.

Hellfire is not supposed to be a Disney Villain song. You're not supposed to be tapping your foot to the beat and gleefully reveling in the evil. Frollo is not charming. He is not charismatic.

Hellfire is supposed to make you uncomfortable.

Characters like Facilier, Scar, Ursula, Ratigan, Jafar, etc- they're all very aware of their lack of morals. They enjoy it. They're scheming, conniving, purposefully evil people.

Frollo is willfully ignorant. His entire character is built around his extremist moral insecurity- there's a part of him that knows that he is wicked (see: the eyes of Notre Dame), and there's a larger part of him that is suppressing that awareness.

There's a sort of cycle when it comes to evil behavior in characters. I like to imagine it as an infinite loop:

Do bad

Feel guilt

Cope with guilt

Rinse and repeat

Each of these manifest differently, depending on the character and the story, though any well-rounded character, villain or not, is bound to represent them in one way or another. That's just human nature.

What makes villains villains is that they intentionally and gleefully take part in this cycle!

Most, as you'll recall, enjoy step one, with little regard to the other two. They're evil, and that's about it- no remorse, no retribution, just dastardly and done. Our cute villain songs with catchy beats and dancing animals are evil and loving it.

Frollo also eagerly participates in this cycle, but his emphasis is on guilt. Hellfire is about guilt.

Frollo is a self-destructive character. There's no one to blame for his decline and death but him, and I believe there is a part of him that knows that, and a part of him that feeds it. He justifies and vindicates and defends each of his shitty actions to both himself and others, but he's still aware. He knows what he does is wrong. The Bells of Notre Dame represents this, and Hellfire takes it up a notch.

Though, unlike the aforementioned characters, Frollo doesn't enjoy being evil. He does not enjoy doing bad things. But he sure likes hating himself.

There's a concept in Catholicism called redemptive suffering. The basic gist of it is that you can achieve holiness (and in some cases, salvation) through agony. Pain. Hurt and heartbreak. Guilt is a positive feeling in Catholicism.

Frollo wants to be punished. Most good Catholics do. The path to heaven is paved with tears and blood and he knows it. He does these terrible things on purpose, not because he loves being evil, but because he wants to be saved. His wickedness, to him, is his own salvation. He revels in his guilt, he feeds it, he lets it eat away at him and then turns around and tries to justify his actions as good because to him, in a twisted, religious sense, they are. He's selfish in that way.

The hooded monks in Hellfire symbolize a few different things to me, both of which exist within Frollo's character. One: religious guilt, and Two: a conscience. He feels he is being judged, not just by Catholicism, but by himself, too.

"It's not my fault! // Mea Culpa"

It's not my fault. It is my fault.

Frollo is well-written specifically because he contains multitudes. He is undoubtedly evil, this isn't up for debate, really- but he's still a human being. There's still something within him that recognizes his wickedness and is terrified of himself.

Hellfire is significant because it confronts him and his reasoning. It begs the question, what if all this self-loathing, all this punishment you've inflicted on yourself, all this pain you've caused others- what if it means nothing? What if there's nothing you can do to save yourself? What if you're wrong?

There's so much anger and fear and desperation that exists within Hellfire. Because it isn't really a song, or a poem, it's a prayer. It begins with him beseeching Mary, and ends with him begging for salvation on his hands and knees. (Before anyone says it yeah the visuals and symbolism are horny on purpose).

Frollo becomes so incredibly self-aware in Hellfire. He's confronted with himself. Who he really is as a person, all the wrong he's done. It's framed through his lust for Esmeralda, but it calls back all the way to the beginning of the movie with the murder of Quasimodo's mother, it pulls his entire character into one 3 minute sequence.

He knows he's wrong. He knows he's evil, and he's terrified of himself. In a brief, quite moment, he asks for mercy, both for Esmeralda and him.

But Frollo doesn't want redemption. He doesn't want catharsis. He says he does, he claims that destroying Esmeralda will free him, but he doesn't want to be free. He wants to feel guilt. He perpetuates the cycle of evil over and over again because he wants to suffer, he loves torturing himself, and he can't escape that. He is Catholic, after all.

What makes Frollo so terrifying and effective as a villain is his humanity. He is a terrible, wicked, evil, selfish, scary person, and one who is aware of this, but also one who wants, in one way or another, to be these things so he can feel sorry for himself. So that he can justify everything he's done in his own twisted way.

Unlike other villain songs, Frollo is not enjoying himself in Hellfire. He isn't gleefully recounting his bad deeds, nor hatching a wicked scheme. He's terrified. He's self-aware. He's afraid of Hell, and himself, and his reliance on sin. And yet, by the end of it, he still chooses to become an evil, destructive force, taking himself down with half of the city. His character mirrors fire, in a way- what's meant to cleanse really just burns.

Hellfire is not catchy, no. It's not fun. It's not laughing along with the audience. It's a desperate prayer sung by a completely delusional and self-loathing religious maniac that has no business being in a Disney children's film. It's effective, not because it's about evil itself, but because it's about a man who is evil. Such a perfect character exploration. I love u frollo.

The End.

P.S. I've written about Hellfire's lyricism and symbolism before. I didn't get to include it in this piece but it can be found here.

anyway. as with all analytical essays, these are just my own thoughts. feel free to disagree. or not. I'm not the boss of you. also worth mentioning that my thoughts about hellfire do not stop or end here, this is just about why I think it's an effective villain song and the characterization behind it. there are more obvious things like how he wants to burn an innocent women at the stake. but this is more of a character exploration. okay bye love you all.

Villain Song Showdown Finals

Friends on the Other Side (The Princess and the Frog) - Villain: Dr. Facilier

Hellfire (The Hunchback of Notre Dame) - Villain: Judge Claude Frollo

Mod comment: I'm not a big fan of Princess and the Frog, but Friends on the Other Side has a lot of charisma and some really cool visuals.

Hellfire is just so menacing and breaking down Frollo's character through this song is so interesting.

[tyrantisterror]

"A third one of these?"

"Yes please," I say, taking the hot chocolate from the waiter and immediately licking all the whipped cream off like a filthy animal. "It's self indulgent, I know, but maybe it's what I need right now."

"Ok, you're going through something, so do what you have to do," said the twenty foot tall lady with the horns and the sharp teeth and whatnot. "But if this is going to keep going it might need a bit more thought put into it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, is this a self insert thing? Like, we're all breaking the fourth wall here, but you specifically talk as if you're the writer, so are you actually the person writing this self indulgent fantasy in the reality of said fantasy, or a proxy?"

"I kind of think all characters are just facets of the authors who create them. When you break it down, they're all the author doing the 'what if' work of becoming someone else - a thought exercise, you know? 'What would have to happen in my life to make me this character?' basically."

"Yeah, sure, very philosophical." She took a sip of her own hot chocolate, which was served in a thoroughly rinsed out oil drum because she was, again, twenty feet tall. "But I'm thinking more about equity here. If you're the real world author, then you're just, like, a guy. No offense."

"None taken."

"Gender neutral guy, to be clear."

"I feel guy is more often gender neutral these days then it is gendered."

"Right, yeah, same wavelength and all, same author. Cool." she ran her clawed talons through the shimmering red-black locks of her hair. "But if you're just the real life author, just some guy, that means you have a name and a fairly mundane appearance. Meanwhile I'm this idealized, decidedly impossible standard of beauty. Like, you literally made me twenty feet tall dude."

"Oh, yeah."

"I've got horns."

"You sure do."

"So, like, is that fair?" Her green eyes pierced through me like lances. Not literally, this time I'm actually using hyperbole, just to be clear. "I mean, I can see how it's enjoyable for you if you're the author, and it's probably, like, morally fine more or less. Any person who experiences sexual attraction is going to fantasize about being with a person who represents their ideal of what's attractive, that's a natural thing."

"Yeah, but that's not super healthy to dwell on, right?" I take a sip of my hot cocoa. It's still warm, but cool enough to drink without burning my tongue. "Because no one's ever able to match an ideal, right? And yet I also think real people are often better than ideals. Like, what I find attractive in people, even just from a physical standpoint, has expanded as I've grown. There are things a younger me found to be imperfections that I now think are beautiful."

"Like big butts and love handles?"

"I mean, Mrs. Incredible set me onto big butts at a young age, I just didn't admit it till later."

"True." She sipped her own hot chocolate. "But we're off track. Are you the author or not? Because if you are, you have, like, a name, and I'm still just the big lady. That's not fair, is it? And I don't think it'd sit right with you if this was imbalanced."

"It does kind of ruin the vibe," I said. "I think I should be a character, then. Like, maybe a thinly veiled author avatar, like how George Costanza is pretty much just a slightly worse Larry David, or how Larry David is just a slightly worse Larry David."

"That's a start," she said with a smile. "So what do you look like, then? Are you idealized like me? What does an idealized author avatar look like to you?"

"...I don't know."

"First thing that pops into your head."

"...Jeff Goldblum?"

"Jeff Goldblum? Why is it always Jurassic Park actors with you?"

"I'm a child of the 90's - wait, plural? Who else did I mention."

"Bryce Dallas Howard," she said. "Oh, wait, that's Jurassic World, isn't it?"

"I think I only mentioned her because she's got a big butt."

"Right."

I shift in my seat uncomfortably. "I don't think I want to be Jeff Goldblum. I mean, I think other people might want me more if I was circa 1993 Jeff Goldblum, but I don't think that would fit me."

"That's fair. So what do you want to be?"

"...something like Vivi from Final Fantasy 9."

She stares at me for a moment. "What."

"You know, the little black mage? Big wizard hat, cool coat, clown pants, head is a black void with pinpricks of light for eyes."

"That's... that's a bonkers ass thing to say. No one wants to get with Vivi."

"Well yeah, he's like nine years old," I say. "Literally a child. But, like, an older Vivi, you know? Adult Vivi."

"So, like, a Black Waltz?"

"Yeah," I say. "Someone out there must want to fuck one of the Black Waltzes."

"Yeah they're pretty hot," she says before taking a sip from her oil drum of hot chocolate. "Kind of surprised you didn't want to be an animate suit of armor."

"I feel like an idealized version of me has to be goofy on some level," I said. "I know goofiness in real life is kind of a mood killer, romance wise, but it's essential to me. I'm a silly clown person."

"With a void for a face."

"And two prinpricks for eyes."

"Right."

She smiles, showing those sharp, railroad spike teeth of hers. "I can work with that."

Jack Black lands, back from his trip to the stratosphere. "Oh, you're doing this again?" he says with a wince. "Isn't that kind of unhealthy and weird?"

"To be fair, Jack Black," I say, "Can't you say the same about starring in Gulliver's Travels?"

"Fair point."

From across the street, Detective Munch looks at us and shakes his head. "Fucking weirdos," he says before turning to his wife, Muncher, and sloppily kissing her on the mouth.