#no matter what happens it's gonna be a shitshow and I can't wait to watch it go down in flames

[runemyth0]

Oh, that's a terrible idea. You should totally do it.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

objectively speaking

if we arrange me and the adversary on a chinese checker board

fuck checkers and chess it's too black and white and red

if I'm going to organize my thoughts then you better have

at least five different colors of highlighters or something

just be glad I'm not asking for watercolor pencils or glitter pens

beauty is something that allows the mind to calm

it's literally nature and the way the universe works

the more attractive something is the more it attracts

if it's attractive in a positive way it attracts positive things

if it's attractive in a negative way it attracts negative things

your free will is the wild card and some of us forget how to use it

though if you're punished enough for thinking differently

you learn how to suppress your authenticity well enough

to fool even yourself into forming a new identity

I actually don't like to see people suffering

not even my enemies except when I'm mad

but after I let myself be mad about it then things cool down

I think at some point I forgot to let myself be mad

it didn't seem to help anything and only made things worse

it takes a lot of energy to forget to be mad

daddy stop hurting mommy

mommy don't be mad

this is the message I have received my entire life

don't be mad that I'm hurting you

and to have my three year old say it so many times

it must have turned me back into a winter soldier

it doesn't go away all that anger

no matter how fresh or old it is

when I am forced to look at that old anger

and why it makes me angry

to understand some present patterns

it makes me so fucking tired

what happens in a sauna when you pour water

over those burning embers in a small room

the room fills with steam and it makes you so tired

just sucks the energy right out of you

that's how it feels when I finally feel contempt

it's like now you made me tired

and I'm gonna make you tired too

now I have to match your energy

now I have to really look at things

and see just how much you fucked me over

and let you face every fucking consequence

of your immature and incompetent actions

just because you didn't want to admit

that your parents emotionally neglected you

and the rub is that they were cycle breakers

just like me so they actually did a great job

considering what they were working with

also I think you secretly know I'd be better at your job

than you are and I didn't even graduate with my masters

funny because when I tried you used to go into rages

and yell at me while I sat there literally

with my head on my desk cowering

just waiting for it to be over

or threatened to use vyvanse fatally

which scared the shit out of me

and I yelled at you too

I yelled at you and I fucking scared you

but it was in the face of you harming the emotions of my kids

and it's also because you're terrified of women

wonder why that is?

frankly you're terrified of everyone

I'm glad you're back on your medication

it's been a fucking shitshow since you got off it

but when I brought that up you just told me

I was the one with problems and not to control you

"I wish he was still the same as before", my oldest said

as I joined him on the front steps under the moon

I knew he was outside because he was overstimulated

and overwhelmed because we both live in an

environment where we can't do anything

but warrant some negative opinion from you

I'm glad you don't do it to the others

but that's a shitty thing to be thankful for

my oldest son doesn't feel safe enough to enjoy

a family dinner or anything around you

and I only know I feel the same because of watching him

because I've numbed myself to the dysfunction

and as I was thinking about what broke my heart last year

like what the actual straw that broke the camel's back was

I realized... it wasn't you or losing my parents

which I thought it was and I was pissed about that

it was losing all those rabbits and the rabbit business

I wanted to build and worked tirelessly for

literally bled for and grieved for

only to have you come home and tell me

I wasn't keeping the house clean enough

while I was teaching my kids how to enjoy

animal husbandry and archery and music all summer

so fuck you and everything you stand for

what truly broke me was losing all those rabbits

it's those rabbits I miss when I'm saddest

you didn't finally break my heart

it was the loss of my bunnies

and I don't know why

but that helps me so much lol

[charles-rxwlands]

the aftermath of 'i love you.'

this is the sequel to my fic how kaz would react to 'i love you.' which was basically all angst. spoiler alert: this is all angst, too.

pairing: kaz brekker/reader but not exactly (??) cause they've broken up so uh

rating: teen

word count: 1.5k (rounded up)

summary: what happened after you said 'i love you,' to kaz

tags: gender neutral!reader, angst, unhappy ending

warnings: swearing, self-deprecating thoughts, and i think that's it? but pls lmk if anything else is needed

read on ao3

a/n: the writing quality of this really went 📉📈📉 but in my defense i wrote most of this while my brother watched tommy innit videos at full volume so ofc i was distracted.

and fyi muzzen is not an oc, he's one of the minor minor characters in soc!

once again, feedback and reblogs are appreciated! hope you enjoy reading <3

Kaz's pov

He watched you from the other side of the room as you blatantly flirted with Muzzen. He had his glass of kvas (Jesper had begged for the club to order the ravkan mead for weeks) in a death grip. You ran your fingers through your hair, and smiled at something Muzzen had said. He tugged lightly on the collar of your jacket, making you laugh softly. Kaz's heart tightened, jealousy settling in his chest.

You looked happy, even as you conversed with the brainless bodyguard who probably couldn't count up to ten. Kaz hadn't been able to make you happy like that. But you had loved him anyway, and he had 'fucked you over', as you'd put it.

I love you.

You're a coward, Brekker.

Kaz let out something in between a sigh and a frustrated grunt. He drained the rest of his drink in one go, and set the glass down more violently than he'd intended. His scowl deepened, if that were even possible, when he sensex Inej slide into the seat next to him. He waited for her to speak, because he sure as hell wasn't going to initiate the conversation. What was there to say? You and him were over. And it was all his fault. 

"Kaz," Inej said. Her tone of voice was gentle - too gentle. He didn't want to be pitied, for fuck's sake. 

"What is it, Inej?" he snapped. 

"Tell me what happened between you and Y/n."

"Nothing to tell." He shrugged. 

Annoyance flickered over her face. "I care about you both, you know," she said. "I don't like seeing you two like this."

He gave her a withering look, if only to disguise the ugly feeling that flared up within him at her words. 

Don't care about me.

Don't love me.

You can't.

Kaz bit the inside of his cheek and hung his head. He studiously ignored Inej for a solid minute. At some point, he noticed that you and Muzzen had abandoned your corner table, most likely to go suck each other's faces off. The thought sent jolts of jealousy through his heart. 

"For Saint's sake- did she break your heart? Is that it?" she demanded, apparently having had enough of his silence.

He 'tsked' in annoyance, standing up abruptly. He snatched up his cane. "Maybe I broke hers," he muttered before walking off. He didn't want to answer questions today. Or ever.

Inej didn't follow him, and he was thankful for that. He trudged up the stairway, the rickety steps creaking under his weight. Emotions swirled within him, brewing up a storm. It was just a matter of time before he exploded, because as much as he hated to admit it, he was still human. Especially when it came to you. 

You had been one of the first people to see his humanity, and the last thing he wanted was to become another monster in your life.

But then again, maybe it was too late.

Suddenly, he bumped into someone. He hissed, flinching backwards. "Watch it-," his next words died on his tongue when he looked up, and came face to face with you. For a few, painfully awkward moments, the two of you held eye contact. Your face was stony, but your e/c eyes betrayed some kind of emotion that Kaz couldn't be bothered to decipher right now.

"Sorry, Brekker," you apologised. Your tone was flat. "C'mon, Muzzen," you gestured for him to follow you back down with a jerk of your head.

His hand twitched at his side as you left, almost as if his body yearned for your presence. Your shoulders nearly touched - missing each other by less than a centimetre. He couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. 

Letting out another sharp breath, Kaz resumed the walk back to his room. His footsteps grew quicker and more urgent. Your name echoed in his mind, as well as the three words that had haunted him for days now. 

Y/n. Y/n. Y/n.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

He slammed the door behind him when he finally reached his quarters. His cane fell to the floor, although his gloves stayed on. He stumbled into the cramped bathroom, bracing two hands against the rusty sink. He twisted the tap open, ignoring the squeak of the old mechanism that would have otherwise annoyed him. A gentle stream of water flowed from the tap head, and he splashed some on his face. 

No, he thought stubbornly, I am not going to break down because of Y/n.

The despair that rattled inside of him said otherwise.

f only he had reacted better when you'd told him you loved him. If only he hadn't yelled at you and called you all those horrible things that weren't true about you in the slightest. You weren't selfish at all. You were the exact opposite. You were kind, and thoughtful, and understanding - so, so understanding of him and his endless baggage. And he had- he had ruined it all, because of his own cowardice.

You're a coward, Brekker.

I know, he thought, not for the first time. I'm sorry. 

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

Your pov

"I- I'm sorry, Muzzen, but I think I'm gonna turn in for the night," you said to the bodyguard, smiling sheepishly. "I've got a bit of a headache."

"It's alright," he said, giving a half-hearted smile back. It was clear he didn't believe you. You didn't know if that was because your acting skills weren't as up to par as you thought, or because the bodyguard was smarter than you made him out to be.

You all but ran up the stairs, nearly sagging in relief as the door closed behind you. You suddenly couldn't stand the feeling of the fabric of your coat on your skin and shrugged it off; Kaz had bought it for you, because of course the reminder of him lingered everywhere you went.

Your room wasn't anywhere near big, but it was a good way away from Kaz's, and for the first time, you were grateful for that. You couldn't deal with him at the moment.

Wait, no, that came out wrong. It wasn't him specifically that you couldn't deal with, it was the bad memories (or, rather, memory, as there was one key shitshow that had ruimed everything) that came with him.

Oh, Saints, why, why, why had you told him you loved him? Things had been going so well! And then you- you fucked it up. Yes, you had blatantly blamed this on Kaz the day of the argument, but deep down, you knew you were the one at fault. 

Your heart ached every time you thought of him. You missed Kaz. So, so much. It hadn't escaped you how he had been eyeing you and Muzzen earlier in the evening. You could only hope that he was staring out of jealousy, and not devising some foolproof plan to get rid of you.

What would it take for Kaz to forgive you? Or had you fucked things up beyond repair? 

"Shit," you whispered, leaning your head against the wall. Tears burned at the corners of your eyes. "Shit." You didn't know what exactly was 'shit'. Maybe the decision you came to moments later.

I'm going to apologise to him," you said to your empty room. "I will."

With a sniffle, you cracked open your door and slipped back outside. You had left your coat in a pile on the floor, making you vulnerable to the cold that pierced the empty areas of the Crow Club. Your feet carried you to Kaz's room naturally. You barely had to think about where you were going. Instead, you thought of Kaz himself. 

Kaz. Your fallen angel, you used to call him in your mind. You couldn't express how sorry you were. You didn't even know what you were sorry for. Loving him? Loving him, and saying it aloud? Loving him, and saying it aloud, because you were so sure he felt the same way? 

You had been being selfish. Kaz said so himself. Selfish and stupid. Of course Kaz didn't love you.

At last, you were in front of his door. You raised a fist to knock. Opened your mouth to call out. Except you did none of those. You just stood there, tears welling up in your eyes once again, a familiar pang of sadness in your chest. 

He wouldn't want to see you. How could he? This was your fault, wasn't it? It was your selfishness, and your wishful thinking that had gotten you two into this position. You missed him, but you wouldn't go as far as to think he missed you, too. If you attempted to apologise… would it really be for him? 

You wouldn't be selfish. Not again.

"I'm sorry," you whispered. 

You turned around, and walked away. 

[sherlock-is-ace]

Did you already watch the new season of lcdp? And if you did, how did you like it? I finished it a couple hours ago and I can't believe we have to wait until december for part 2 😞

sorry it took me a sec to answer I saw this when i was half way through episode 3 and i wanted to finish all of it before i answered lol

I really liked it! I have a few thoughts so I'm gonna write it under the cut so people can avoid spoilers ;) and bear in mind it's gonna be long dkfjg

Ok so first of all, my general thought that's been happening since the second heist started is that the show it's basically fantasy at this point, like it gives me now you see me vibes, where things that would never happen in real life happen but it's still set in a real universe and you're supposed to just accept things lol. That said, when I'm watching the show, I'm as invested as I can be, but the second i process what happened i'm like ''pff what a shitshow'', so I guess I admire the whole cast and crew cause they're doing a good job apparently lol

Now onto plot and character thoughts... I was glad to see my girl nairobi again, i missed her so fucking much <3 and it was a sweet little moment that they didn't have to give us but i appreciate it so much. Speaking of flashbacks... I still have no idea what was all of berlín bits, like it added nothing to the plot. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing him again, he's hot and deranged but it said nothing to me. And his son? i don't like him, and i'm sure he's gonna have a more significant role in next part (and this was only his introduction) but i don't like it and i'm not excited for that.

Helsinki, my poor babie. I know I said i wanted him to die because if palermo died then helsi would have lost so many loved ones? well i was very unfair because now palermo can lose the only other person he could end up with and he already suffered enough <3 they all did tbh

The ending was everything i wanted and nothing i was expecting tbh there's no way tokio survived that (they better not bring her back next part) and i was sure she was gonna be the only one to stay alive by the end. But no, the angels heard my prayers and they finally killed tokio and gandía in one single blow and i'm so happy and thankful for that :') also that's tokio's redeeming arc, she finally killed gandía lol

Other random thoughts: Benjamín is a sweetheart, I wish he was my dad and i love how outraged he was at all the pink baby stuff <3 we love a supportive father! Once again I wish they had let palermo do whatever he wanted, he's deranged but a genious, and i will agree with whatever he says no matter what consequences it brings, ''your fave is problematic'' is an understatement with him but i will justify everything <3 more so than with berlín tbh (tho same :P ). I never liked estocolmo all that much, not even from the first heist but like tokio, she kind of redeemed herself by shooting arturo, tho she fucked it up by helping him after, and then later on wasting morphine that could keep helsi safe, so she's back to ''not my favorite''...

I watched like 5 hours worth of a show and i literally just finished it so i'm sure there's gonna be more thoughts and ideas on my mind later but yeah... imma shut up now cause you probably didn't want this in depth essay lol but in conclusion, I loved this part, can't wait for the next one :D

[baekhvuns]

Yes I definitely feel like I would have better conversations with Mingi and Yeosang if I had more time! I mean I still enjoyed our talks, but they're more mysterious you know? They're not like Hongjoong who's constantly talking about something on Universe, they don't talk about childhood stories like Hwa or have no filter whatsoever like Woo. Ahhhhh Yeosang, I mean... my bias line is a difficult topic, I used to say I was Sanhwa biased but Seonghwa got promoted to ult, Hongjoong was always there because he was the first one who grabbed my attention, but HJ was more like a wrecker I guess? Then angel boy Yeosang from ZFP1 made me go 👁👁 just to get whiplash when Fireworks then DV happened, lol. I had Yeosang vision for a moment, so I guess he's kinda a wrecker too? Because he made me forget about San and Hongjoong for a while 🙈

Hsudheahhddhhs I'm not in the UK and I'm glad, because the shitshow is ridiculous and infuriating. I feel so bad for my friends in London 😭Also I'm self-employed so no holidays for me anyways 🥴

That pizza place is so pretty, but it's in Rome? I've heard about it, but never been!

Noooo, poor Yunho lmao, not you imagining Hwa in his place, byeeeee. Okay but I sometimes read fanfiction and imagine it's about someone else 😅 and with Seonghwa it's great cause he had so many hair colours even when people describe the hair Seonghwa usually fits no matter what 😅😅😅😅

I'll give you benefit of a doubt with that fic, but I bet I'll regret it.... booking my ticket to Canada rn.

Yes that volunteering and kids thing with Seonghwa I think there's a fic that explored it a bit? It's called Blacklist if I'm not mistaken. But it's not focused on that topic entirely, I would love to read one for sure. 👀

Great minds think (or simp) alike yes please let the drama be less annoying than TB, justice for Jae Young lmaooo, I feel like he might be an asshole but oh well...

Nose presentation hit hard didn't it? I just can't believe he's roaming free with that snake tongue. Here have something cute and IN MY POCKET YOU GO. Oooooh Sexy of them

My uber driver posted a soft thirst trap and Lizzie d-worded a coincidence?

Girrrrrl I have so many mangas, I have both English and Japanese versions, had different languages in the past but sold them. Usui as Hwa, yes. Also have you seen Horimiya, because imagine Seonghwa looking like that . Also waiting for the adaptation of The Ice Guy and His Cool Female Colleague, yes gonna headcanon the guy as Hwa and no one can stop me! - DV 💖

hi hello!!

Yes I definitely feel like I would have better conversations with Mingi and Yeosang if I had more time! I mean I still enjoyed our talks, but they're more mysterious you know? They're not like Hongjoong who's constantly talking about something on Universe, they don't talk about childhood stories like Hwa or have no filter whatsoever like Woo. Ahhhhh Yeosang, I mean... my bias line is a difficult topic, I used to say I was Sanhwa biased but Seonghwa got promoted to ult, Hongjoong was always there because he was the first one who grabbed my attention, but HJ was more like a wrecker I guess? Then angel boy Yeosang from ZFP1 made me go 👁👁 just to get whiplash when Fireworks then DV happened, lol. I had Yeosang vision for a moment, so I guess he's kinda a wrecker too? Because he made me forget about San and Hongjoong for a while 🙈

they do seem more quiet and mysterious, def would have some interesting convos,,, yeosang would def teach swearing <3 bfbbdhb i WOULD PAY TO HEAR SEONGHWA RAMBLE ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD STORIES,, i KNEW u were a sanhwa biased BUT DIDNT EXPECT YEOSANG AT ALL,, maybe mingi but def not yeo AAAA I AGREE I AGREE THAT YEOSANG,, esp that black haired one >>>>>>

Hsudheahhddhhs I'm not in the UK and I'm glad, because the shitshow is ridiculous and infuriating. I feel so bad for my friends in London 😭Also I'm self-employed so no holidays for me anyways 🥴

i tbh like watching it bc it's such a historical moment and ur probably never seeing it until like 20-15 years until charles,, but i do think it's a shitshow with the #'s and the dude getting pulled by police bc he yelled at andr3w??? he dESERVED TO BE YELLED AT

That pizza place is so pretty, but it's in Rome? I've heard about it, but never been!

is it?? GFJREG IM SORRY IT SAID MALTA ON IT AND I WAS LIKE DV ANON !!!!! KEYHOLE !!!!

Noooo, poor Yunho lmao, not you imagining Hwa in his place, byeeeee. Okay but I sometimes read fanfiction and imagine it's about someone else 😅 and with Seonghwa it's great cause he had so many hair colours even when people describe the hair Seonghwa usually fits no matter what 😅😅😅😅

unfortunately it is going that way fbga poor guy bc the next fic is also seonghwa and now i keep writing this yun as him,, peak shinesta,, YOOO UR RIGHT THE HAIR FITS MY MIND AUTOMATICALLY CLICKS TO HIM

I'll give you benefit of a doubt with that fic, but I bet I'll regret it.... booking my ticket to Canada rn.

LMFAOOOO I HOPE U LIKE IT, AND PLS DO I AM WAITING @ THE AIRPORT WITH A SIGN

Yes that volunteering and kids thing with Seonghwa I think there's a fic that explored it a bit? It's called Blacklist if I'm not mistaken. But it's not focused on that topic entirely, I would love to read one for sure. 👀

oh????? OH??? IM ABOUT TO GO READ,,,, 👀 id be very into writing that actually, do u rmr the movie life as we know it? maybe like that???

Great minds think (or simp) alike yes please let the drama be less annoying than TB, justice for Jae Young lmaooo, I feel like he might be an asshole but oh well...

FHGJAKRG UR RIGHT,,, jaeyoung better not be an asshole bc the other guy already kinda really fine and im into that little ceo bc bfgdhj the arrange marriage fic hwa is a little similar to that gu <3

Nose presentation hit hard didn't it? I just can't believe he's roaming free with that snake tongue. Here have something cute and IN MY POCKET YOU GO. Oooooh Sexy of them

nose presentation hit me in the ribs, kicked me in the knee, punched me in the face. LMFAOOOOO STOP I SCREAME DGFSDFG SNAKE TONGUE PLSSS,,, u know that angle,, in the first video,,, im sorry. wow. fdhbsdhf

My uber driver posted a soft thirst trap and Lizzie d-worded a coincidence?

soft thirstrap,, if they drop a whole full front for his vogue im suddenly lizzie. daily uber + 2

Girrrrrl I have so many mangas, I have both English and Japanese versions, had different languages in the past but sold them. Usui as Hwa, yes. Also have you seen Horimiya, because imagine Seonghwa looking like that . Also waiting for the adaptation of The Ice Guy and His Cool Female Colleague, yes gonna headcanon the guy as Hwa and no one can stop me! - DV 💖

SEONGHWA AS USUI IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST,,,annoying mf,, YES I HAVE and,,, the long haired hwa from dv era with that lip ring haha if we see this during the concert time u best believing iM GOING TO RUN OFF A CLIFF,,, HELLO THAT ANIME LOOKS SO GOOD??? im about to watch this for science reasons. that ice guy hwa is this hwa

ur opinion on this and miss doja

also bff if u have been watching big mouth, ur thoughts on it rn

cried just a little

[allaboardthemetro-blog]

Entering the Final Act || Akira || ATTN: All Passengers

His smirk grew slowly as everyone reacted.  He was glad to see Airi put the knife down; getting stabbed would really put a damper in this moment he was savoring.  The anger, the fire everyone was spitting out… He’d even gotten Billy to snap. And here he’d thought the guy was too foolhardy to actually crack.  This was beautiful, honestly. If only there were more people to see it.

Would applauding a little overdo it?  It would probably overdo it. Still, it wasn’t like he was going to be regularly interacting with these people after this.  Just some things for the police, maybe a little for HPA, and then home free. And jegus, the urge to clap was just too strong right now.

So, he did it.  He brought his hands together, his slow claps echoing throughout the trial room.  Congratulations, everyone, you found the mastermind. You found the one who put you on this train and didn’t stop until the station of living hell.  Bask in your glory.

Here he was, and he was about to talk your goddamn ears off.

“So, why’d I do it?”

“I’m sure you’ve all been waiting long enough for some sort of answer.  You’ve watched your classmates die around you, send some of them to their deaths by your own hand, and for what?  Why would anyone want to do this? And especially to us, just innocent little HPA students?”

He cracked his knuckles and took a deep breath.  “Well! You’ve heard of the Reserve Course, right?  I’d hope you would have, given that I’ve been here this whole time.  So I’m not going to explain it for you if you don’t. Too bad.

“What you might not know is what sort of treatment the Reserve Course students get.  Long story short, we’re like the red-headed stepchildren of the establishment. Even though we pay the outrageous tuition that funds the whole place, we’re treated like substandard by pretty much everyone on campus.  We’re students, but we don’t get to use any of the fancy equipment our money pays for, we don’t get the benefit of ‘guaranteed success upon graduation,’ and we don’t get any goddamn respect.

“And it’s not even like we all wanted to be here!  Sometimes, it’s just your parents assuming oh he must want to go!  Let’s uproot him from his friends and isolate him with the person he’s known since forever and see how they improve, hm?  Oh, this is gonna be great…”

He paused for a few seconds, then cleared his throat.  “But I digress. Anyway…

“The one thing I despise most about HPA?  It gives kids false hope. They sell this narrative about talent, how if you work hard enough, even you, you pathetic little Reserve Courses, you too can join us in the Talent Course!  The goddamn Land of Milk and Honey. It's all bullshit.  Like, seriously, that's not cynicism, that's just reality.  You come from all over the world, have experiences all over the world.  Talia’s from Australia, at least, and this is just a sample group. There's so many more.  There's no way any average Reserve Course student would be able to replicate that sort of world experience and recognition.  No matter how much they want it, no matter how determined they are, no matter how much money their parents funnel into them. But the academy puts this shitty idea in their head, that maybe if they work hard enough, they’ll be able to compete with these ridiculously lucky people who had all the right opportunities!

“And some people actually believe it.  That if they can run a kickass newspaper on campus, they're sure to become a Talent Student, the SHSL Reporter.  But they can't. There's no way that can compare to someone else who's had better opportunities. It'll get overlooked, in spite of all the effort she pours into it.  They just won't care.”

He paused again, but for less time than before.  After a deep breath, he balled his hands into fists, thrust them down at his sides, and continued.

“So, pretty damn clear I hate this place.  But, I'm not alone. Far from it! In fact,there's more than one organization that'd love to see this academy go down in flames.  One particular organization -- though I'm not going to name them, I'm sure they don't want the authorities on their tail -- had the perfect idea to do it.  Create a scandal so devastating, something that would be such a blemish on the academy, they just couldn't stay open. And it should be pretty obvious to you what this scandal is: the mutual killing game.

“So, they have the plan, and they have the means!  There's just one thing they don't have -- an in. They have no way to get in and legitimately gather some HPA students for this, without the academy getting suspicious.”  At this, he chuckled. “That's where I came in. What better place to find a like-minded individual than on the internet? They find me, a genuine student, and with pretty good standing thanks to the student-run paper I'm part of, the Reserve Hope Shimbun.  I have the connections, they have everything else they need, it's a perfect match.

“So we make a deal.  As satisfying as it is to bring down the shitshow that is Hope’s Peak Academy, it's not something I do for nothing.  And I have this friend, you see -- the other founding member of the Reserve Hope Shimbun. She's a good girl, earnest, hard-working, and wants more than anything to be a reporter.  And for some stupid, bullshit reason…” He took a moment to glare out at the students in the trial room. “...she thinks she needs to go through HPA to do that. But now, that doesn't have to be the case.  Her getting a job as a reporter at a news station somewhere in Japan was one of my conditions. And since I've held up my end of the deal, they're legally bound to hold up theirs. She'll get what she's wanted all her life, and she won't have to stake everything on some shitty school that can't even protect its own students from themselves.

“As for me?  I want a life away from all of this.  From all this chaos, all this snubbing, all this talent.  After I get the fuck out of HPA, I’m angling for an average job.  That was the other part of my contract. I'd love a job as an accountant, but, y’know, I'm not picky.  Any sort of salaryman job’ll do. Then maybe I can pick up life where it left off. Move up on the corporate ladder, build a nice family, make a good life for myself.  I've got simple dreams, I'm not asking for much.

“As for you guys?  Heh. It's been pretty damn fun watching you all fall apart, and it's gonna be fun watching what happens next.  This organization I'm working for has their eggs in a lot of baskets, including the media. Useful for getting my friend that job, and useful for making sure Hope's Peak Academy burns.  Once we get out of here, just about every network is gonna wanna know the details.  What toils you went through, what depravity your captors subjected you to.  You'll never be able to get a moment's peace!  You'll never be allowed to forget what happened here.  And you'll never be able to say who did this to you.

“But, at least you'll be able to live your lives.  HPA won't be so lucky. They send their students off to see the headquarters of a newspaper, and then they do nothing when they're kidnapped along the way.  I really did take the time to schedule a field trip, by the way. I asked the faculty for permission, set up the outing with the newspaper itself, it all checked out on paper.  They had no idea it was just a front. Until we failed to show up, of course. Naturally, the organization in charge of this set up the train and the venue. They even set up the conductor!”

The mention of the conductor seemed to remind Akira why they had all gathered here in the first place.  With a peeved sigh, he looked away, then shrugged.

“Oh yeah.  Speaking of Jenova.  Guh, the fucking wimp.  Yeah, I killed him, you're welcome.  He was right, I was sort of planning to kill him, but not from the outset of all this.  He was doing fine at first, but...honestly, if you're going to start a dirty job, you finish the dirty job.  He was getting soft, wanted to wrap this up because ‘he couldn't take it.’”  He scoffed. “Couldn't take it… You do what you need to do. Beggars can't be choosers, he ought to have know that better than I did!

“So… Are we ready to wrap this up?  Ready to get back to the rest of our lives in the real world, for better or for worse?  Because I'm sure as hell ready to see what arises from all of this…”

[moonlight-melts]

*clears throat* Welcome to my shitshow, today with my usual bullshitery!

tw alchohol, suicide, self-harm, self-depreciation, a very minor mention of car accidents and one cigarette at some point, a little bit of kinda gore imagery towards the end and I think that's all.

Let's play a little game, everyone.

For a bit of context, we had a long drive to my grandpa's yesterday, but my dad had a panic attack half-way through and we went back home instead because, y'know, some people in my family actually don't want to die in a car crash (or die at all for that matter).

Anyway, as I said we went back home and watched some football (they lost, which didn't help, but that's not my point) and he started to drink. Everyone was too tired so we ordered some pizzas. We were eating, and he was so unclear that some fell on the floor. My mom and I cleaned up while my brother was crying. When my dad deemed his pizza finished (did he notice the little 1/8 left? I don't know) he went out to smoke a cigarette and I nearly threw the remaining ones away.

Then he fell down. In the dirt. It was 21:30 at the very most, and everyone was panicked because what if it was bad? What if we had to take him to the hospital while he was drunk af? Fortunately, it was nothing, but still. And I was angry beyond words.

I've always had trouble managing my anger. My entire body shakes and tears fall and everything makes me wanna scream. I have to hurt myself in order to calm down so I punched the wall. I punched it so hard that my knuckles are bruised and blue. I have no other way to calm my anger, except maybe breaking things (which is, let's be honest, not the most practical, especially considering the fact that my room is full of stuff I hold pretty dear to my heart). I don't know how to deal or cope with it, so I make memes to evacuate. I made a few good ones last night. But I was still angry.

And I'm still angry now. Angry at the fact that both of my parents refuse to see a doctor or a therapist despite regularly saying that they wanna die or harm themselves. Angry at the fact that I could be screaming for help and nobody would hear me. Angry at the fact that people in the past told me they couldn't do anything for me and that I'd have to "deal with it" when I have bad stuff roaring in my head. Angry at the fact that I can't live in the normal world without having to take multiple hours living in a fantasy world to feel like "home". Angry at the fact that the only thing my brain can make me think about is cutting my thighs open whenever something bad happen. Angry at the world for being so violent.

And most and above all, I'm angry at the fact that I can't do anything because I'm either too distressed or not there enough to help.

I'm unbelievably angry at myself.

I wanna rip my skin open, break my ribs and take my heart out to crush it in my bare hands. Then I wanna chop my head off and do the same to this fucking brain of mine.

This is bullshit.

Now, back to our game: My dad said he wouldn't be drinking anymore. How long do you think this is gonna last? Place your bets, mine is on "one week at most".

At this point I'm just casually waiting for the world (for my world) to end.

[mama-ghostie-61542]

A Thousand Lifetimes

Rated M++ for language and themes

If you recognize it, IT AIN'T MINE.

Sorry for the OOC-ness

Chapter 4

Wolf--

"If I hear the word 'Mom' anytime in the next five minutes, you are, all three, gonna lose grandparent privilege's! Enough with the fighting. 'Kala, you need to get over there and do your homework."

"But, Mom," my younger son shouted. "I can't do it alone."

"Yes, you can, dear. All you have to do is write the words in the blanks."

Mornings here were always crazy. This year, they got worse, with all three kids home all day and me working three jobs from home, while taking a few classes to keep up my certification. But what would do my head in were the constant conflicts of scheduling the boys services around project deadlines. Especially when my childless brother was my boss...One of them.

A text came through ~'Hey, Bry, do you have those reports ready? I have to submit them to the bank this afternoon.'

Loveland Demolition was well known in the Midwest, and had been doing well before the pandemic, but now, we were expanding again. I dug around in my ever expanding pile of outgoing paperwork for the fax copy of the expense reports my brother wanted. Why everything with this end of the family business went through me, I would never know. Maybe it was because he had named me our VP of NE Operations. Like I didn't have a decent job already. I mean, I didn't get my Doctorate for it to look pretty on my wall.

Speaking of, I have a class in 15 minutes. Botany of Common Herbs.

I sent off a quick message, ~ I faxed them yesterday. Did you not get them before the boys did?~

My brothers pit bulls were notorious for grabbing the pages as they fell out of the fax machine and shredding them.

A few minutes later, he replied, ~Dammit, Pita! The Pain got 'em. Already in transit?~

~Yep. UPS grabbed it yesterday. Email?~

~Ok. No. Need hard copy. Will reschedule with the bank. Do good in class today!~

About that time I got a plastic cup thrown in my general direction with my oldest son yelling, "More water! Please, Mommy."

Thankfully, my Botany Professor understands me being a little late, as she has a Downie of her own.

I get his water, and as I am standing at the sink for a few seconds extra to breathe, I feel a cold spot on one hip and the pressure of a thumb on my cheek.

'You are amazing, my Queen. You've got this.'

I smile as the feeling, and the ghost of his smiling eyes fades. How does he always know when the stress is getting to me and just what to say; just what to do. It's like I don't have to say a word, he just knows.

Great....Now I am gonna be all giggly the rest of the day. Probably gonna get an email from my Professor, too; nosy old bat.

Kihyun PoV

It was almost 22:00 when I felt the wobble in thin silver thread that connected us. As I reached for it, I felt her stress and frustration start to bleed through and somehow, instinctively knew what to do. It bothers me when she gets this stressed, because she forgets to take care of herself. And then the tension lodges in her back, manifesting as a knot just to the left of her spine.

Settling myself into my meditation, I could almost see her standing at the sink, working on something. Always working, this girl; whether it's on her actual job, her side hustle, an Etsy store where she sells knit caps, or the boys' homework. She ALWAYS has something going on. Her brothers hare-brained decision to expand the family business does not help in the slightest.

As I settle in, I can hear the din of the kids yelling, a timer going off on something, and from some where, another louder ding. She is amazing, how she can just take it all in stride. Some how, I know, she just needs a second to breathe, so I imagine my hand on her hip; stopping her right where she stands.

I visualize my hand cupping her cheek, and whispering to her, 'You are amazing, my Queen. You've got this.' I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I see her smile. That soft, sweet smile, that just borders on the verge of blushing. I send how I feel seeing her smile down that thread and, some how, just know that she will be smiling all day now.

Awakening from my meditation, I glance at the clock. Hmm. Time for bed. But first, I am curious about the next chapter. How in the hell, with everything else she has on her plate, did she find the time to write this.

I set back on my bed, my pillows piled up behind me, and start reading.

Still Joey

I couldn't sleep so I got up at sunrise and made coffee. Sis woke up a little while later. I heard her alarm go off and then, I heard her sniffle a little. As she stumbled to the kitchen for her morning coffee, her whole bearing was like all the wind had been sucked out of her.

My heart went out to her.

"Sis. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Joey. Just my own brain. Think I am going crazy. That's all."

I'm right there with you.

"Explain," I said.

Rather than use actual words, she put on 'Comatose' by Too Close To Touch. "This says it better than I ever could."

I set aside the story and brought up the song. As I sat there listening, I could almost feel how hurt she was. How she thought she was going crazy. I wanted, so much, to fly to her, where ever she was.

"Sissie," I sighed, "What is the matter?"

"I think I am losing my mind, Joey. I just don't want to remember, if remembering is always going to hurt. I'm afraid that it will cost me the one of the two things I am most afraid to lose; my kids or my mind."

"You aren't going crazy, Sis. Who told you that you were crazy for feeling like that?"

"Mom. According to her, I am. Apparently, it is all just a construct of my own mind. Can't be real because it's all in my head, but it is all that I could ever dream of. It makes me want to sleep until it is real. I want to forget the way his voice sounds, cause it hurts too much to hear it when I am alone. I want to forget the color of his eyes, but I see it everyday in my coffee. I want to forget it all, so it doesn't hurt anymore. There is no way he can be real. No way his smell can be real. The more I remembered, I guess, the more I want to forget."

"Bryn, tell me about him?"

"What does it matter? He is no more than a fantasy my own mind created," she said as she dug in a cabinet and added a more than generous amount of Jack Daniels to her coffee.

"Bry! Really??"

"What," she groused as she sipped on her coffee flavored whiskey.

"It is barely sun rise and you are already drinking. What would he say if he caught you?"

"Doesn't matter," she grumbled as her bottom lip pulled in a little and blinked rapidly, a sure sign she was fighting back her own tears. I could see her start to fold in around herself.

'No, my dear, I am very real. And very disappointed.'

"Bullshit," I yelled. "It does matter! I will prove you wrong. I'll prove to you that he is very real," I growled in my own temper, as I leaned over the table at her, "and I know him. He would be so disappointed in you, right now. Instead of working with the connection, you were trying to drown the memories in whis-," I came to a dead stop as I realized what was actually happening. "How long have you been fighting them? The memories, I mean."

'Told ya. Wait. What!? She'd been wrestling with our memories? Oh, my stubborn Wolf, you were never meant to carry them all yourself.'

She deflated and slid the mug away from her. Resting her head on her arms, she whispered, "I was 14 the first time I remembered anything. At the time it was no more than a whisper, a cold spot when I was upset or hurting. Which, lets be honest, was a lot of the time back then. When I was 16, I finally worked up the courage to talk to someone about my dreams. My mistake was telling Ma."

I cringed. I had heard nasty stories about her mom, but sat still and let her continue.

Is her mother really that bad? How much of this had she been keeping from me.

"She went off and let loose a litany of my supposed short-comings. I still remember it, to this day. 'You are so stupid. Why would any man, especially one like THAT, want anyone like you. Anyone else would be better than YOU; you stupid, worthless, ignorant, ugly, child.' After that, I went back to keeping it all to myself. This one," she said as she brought up Forest Blakk's 'Find Me', "Says it all."

I put on the song and knew how it had hurt her for years. My anger burned when the artist spoke of being told you were crazy. 'I want her, you Crazy Bitch. Good Mother, Please,' I started, before thinking better of the prayer that had been on my tongue a moment ago. 'Please watch over her, Grandmother.'

Hearing her own mother call her those things, was tough to listen to. But I could tell she still wasn't finished yet. I let her go, she had years of this pain to offload.

"As I got older, it changed. I was almost 26 when the burn of a kiss landed on my cheek. My ex-husband, at the time, saw the blister it left and went ballistic. Woke me up by kicking the end of the bed. 'I want a divorce. I don't know who he is, but I plan on making you pay for it. Now, get your stuff and get out.' And I paid for it, alright. Didn't even bother to ask if I had it the night before, just assumed I was sneaking out. I never did. Looking back now, maybe I should have left the first time accused me. The ink wasn't dry on the divorce papers when he got remarried. Literally, got them both done in half an hour."

"Are you kidding me? He wanted to accuse you, but he...," I will admit that I was finally starting to see just how messed up her life had been. "Did you love him?"

'Messed up,' I thought, 'No, Sir. Her life has been a craptastic shitshow of epic fucking proportions. Honestly, I would like to know what fucking moronic bastard ordered this shitastical fuckfest for my Queen! I'd like to fucking throat punch him.'

She shook her head. "No. My mother sat it all up. Literally walked into the house Friday afternoon and said, 'You are getting married on Monday at 9.' He was getting deployed and she thought he would be a good fit for me, that she would get grands out of the deal. She didn't find out he was fixed until he was already gone. That is where I learned to keep my hair really short. He used to drag me around by it and scream about all of the things I did. The next day he would scream and drag me around by it to yell about all the stuff I didn't get done."

"So it was more or less arranged?"

"Yeah. After that, I met the asshole. The day he left, I had just buried a brother, and I had lost my job; all on my birthday. After all that, I fell into a deep depression. To the point where I would wonder sometimes why I was still breathing. It was in that place that I saw him. It was no more than his eyes, the exact shade of my coffee, and that voice, but still; if not for him..." she trailed off, a haunted look in her eyes.

After a few minutes of her staring off into space, I prodded, "If not for him?"

She turned and looked at me, "I wouldn't be here. I would have cut ties with this world and willingly walked right into that darkness. I can remember him telling me once, 'Don't you give up. Don't you dare give up. Get up, keep moving.' It was those eyes though, watching them seem to burn in the darkness. They stayed with me so much that I drew them at least a thousand times."

"Really?"

"Yep. Dark eyes that burn," she chuckled. "Got called crazy for that one, too. 'Why do you always draw the exact same thing, ya crazy bitch? How about a tree or a nice mountain. Why is it always those damned eyes, Not that a worthless bitch like you can draw anyway.' So yeah, there's that."

"Hold it. She actually called you worthless?"

Bryn just nodded. "Multiple times, and ugly quite a few times. At the end with the ex, she told me, 'I hate that when I, and she stressed the 'I', put a block in your path, you seem to dance around it and go off into the woods and still end up on the other side. That you whip off of the beaten path, going God knows where, on some barely visible game trail, and somehow still come out on the other side, just where you meant to be'. She said nothing pissed her off more than my ability to adapt."

'That's my Ghostie,' I thought as I smiled proudly. 'Her ability to see things others miss, explodes lower minds.'

Now, I have seen pictures of her mom and old photos of Bryn when she was younger. Let me tell you, when she was young, Bryn was coltishly pretty before becoming ethereal. Not that you could tell it now. Now, she jokes that she traded looks for brains about the time she got her doctorate.

"So, how did you end up with Clark?"

"He was there and I was getting tired of waiting, tired of my Auntie's trying to set me up with whatever boy they could find. One tried to set me up with her ex-nephew. That was nothing but awkward. We are still good friends, almost family. He has said before, 'I love you to bits, but that is icky, you are like a sister to me. Now, please, go throw on a skirt, you have amazing legs and should show them off.' That boy can turn up the girlfriend vibe in 3 seconds...flat.

I know someone who can do that. Weird.

"In the end, I got tired of the pitying looks I would get at the family things. Truth be told, when I told him to either commit or get out, I thoroughly expected him to take off at a run, like he couldn't get away fast enough. Before I knew what had happened, he told everyone I had proposed and picked a Saturday. After that, it was a whirlwind and I almost took off."

"Took off? Eloped?"

She snickered. "No. Ran away. Far away."

"Oh. So you almost pulled a runner?"

"Oh yeah. Had my bestie stand up with me because I knew that if Haka showed up and objected, he would have knocked Clark to the floor to give me time to run."

'I very nearly did show up.'

I thought back to what I said when he finally left.

"What did I say?" I stood there, leaning on the doorway, arms crossed over my chest, fingers tapping on my bicep. The look on my face was thoroughly parental.

"That it would never work."

"And....."

"You were right, I was wrong, I am sorry."

"You gonna listen to me from now on?" My face was passive, but there if she had looked she would have seen the anger in my eyes. I wasn't mad at her, I was more than a little upset with him, though.

"Yes, Dear."

"Good Girl. I'll be home as soon as I can." I cupped her face, kissed her forehead, and said, "Don't do it again. Next time you won't get away with it, my stubborn Wolf."

"Next time?"

I was turning to head back to my body, "First one doesn't count. It was arranged. This one, you got swept up in. Don't do it again. Now, go to sleep."

I had to breathe a minute against the anger building in my chest. Then, I went back to the story.

"You call him 'Haka'? That's cute."

"Yeah, he's Heyhaka, the Elk. Haka, for short. Then there is Sweet Pea, and the occasional Assbag."

"And is he often a jerk?"

"Nah. Only when he is making promises he has no intentions to keep."

'Listen here, Lady! I fully intend to keep them when they are made, Woman!'

"I really don't think he would make them if he didn't intend on keeping them, Sissie. Sometimes, circumstance gets in the way, and then they don't get the focus they deserve. How does he phrase it?"

"All he says is 'Soon'."

I laughed. "The word 'soon' is not a promise. It's an open guarantee."

"What?"

"It's a half promise. He can't put a time on it so he just says soon. You know, sometimes you can be kind of dense."

'Exactly. You are kind of thick sometimes, Darling.'

Bryn's cheeks pinked. "Aww, shut the fuck up," She laughed.

"You've got a potty mouth!"

My jaw dropped. 'Naughty.'

"Like you didn't know or don't have one of your own. Has he not told you the extent of my sailor's mouth?"

"He doesn't know that I know you. I get to hear about everything from both sides. Kinda makes me wanna poke my ear drums out sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. You two are fuckin' perfect for each other."

'I guess we are, huh?'

About that time, the kids started waking up. Davidd was first, followed by Mattie, and then Darryn. I was sitting on the couch, getting the walkthrough of how to turn on the cartoon channels when Mattie climbed up next to me and curled up in my side.

"Morning, Munchkin," I said cheerfully.

She sagged against me and whispered, "Morning, Uncle Joey. Can I have some new milk?"

I was taken aback by the simplicity of the request. "Shouldn't you be asking your mom for that?"

"I would but Daddy called and him and mama got into another fight."

'And that just cashed out my good night.', I thought as I could have sworn I heard a knock at my door.

A-N:) Please don't shoot the messenger. Spirit put up some of the tags. Lol.