#no i'm not okay. i'm in survival mode. my winter lows have gotten lower for the last few years.
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#i cannot say this out loud to any of my friends or family because#i cannot be a burden nor can i seek attention from them#and it's terrifying to say to my therapist (who i don't see until tues anyway)#although at least i can say it bc i pay him to help me with this shiz#but i swear the only thing keeping me alive right now is the fact that i can't leave blue#he wouldn't understand bc he is a dog#i would just be gone. the person who has loved him and cared for him for seven months#been by his side near constantly#i would just be gone and he wouldn't know why bc i doubt he fully understands death#except as the instinct to avoid it#let alone suicide#and idk what would happen to him but whatever it is. it wouldn't be me#and i can't do that to him#i cannot LEAVE him. it scares me more than being alive hurts rn#if for some reason u actually read this pls don't ask me anything#no i'm not okay. i'm in survival mode. my winter lows have gotten lower for the last few years.#i have a therapist and probably more importantly i have blue. i'll survive.#if i talk abt it then i will be a burden and that is worse and ppl saying i'm not a burden won't help#it'll just feel like a lie bc a lot of things do rn#so pls don't ask
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