#nine year old me was devasted by journey's end

[midnightfanatics]

[darlingillustrations]

I'm Gay

When I was eight years old, I wrote my first poem. I remember the moment the words came to me. I was lying in bed at night, the lines rattling through my brain, startling sleep away. I turned on my pencil-shaped bedside lamp, grabbed my pink diary and huddled up underneath the little roses on my wallpaper to scribble the words down before they were lost to me forever. I re-read them over and over, letting them seep into my mind as I drifted off to sleep, so full of mystery and fascination at this new craft that had opened up to me.

The next day, I showed the poem to my mother. It was a love poem, and the only thing she said was, “Why is this written to a woman?”

I didn’t know.

In high school, I also didn’t know why I enjoyed turning around in psychology class to chat with the girl with the cool beaded purse who sat behind me. I didn’t get it why I was so tongue tied around the girl in college with the mousy brown hair and soft floral skirts. After graduation, I still didn’t understand why the scrawny girl with facial piercing who I worked with at the coffeeshop held such a deep place in my heart that I’d give anything to make her smile.

The day I nervously confessed to my parents that I no longer wanted to be in the Church of Christ, the religion they’d raised me in, and that I’d been going to an Episcopal church, they laughed in relief.

“We were worried you were going to tell us you were a lesbian,” they said, wiping tears of joy from their eyes.

It never occurred to me that I could be a lesbian because I was attracted to guys. I didn’t realize that bisexuality was a thing. It wasn’t until 2016 that I started to face the truth about myself. After the attack on the Pulse nightclub, I felt deeply and inexplicably unsafe, and after months of soul searching, I came to realize it was because the people who had been attacked, the LGBT men and women, I was part of their community. They were me. I was LGBT.

As part of my journey, I was asked to exhibit my art at the Pierce County AIDS Foundation. I wanted to share something that was representative of the LGBT community, and that’s how my Affectionate Animal series was born. I chose vintage photos as my source images because I loved the nostalgic feeling they evoked. I wanted to offer the feeling that being gay was a normal thing.

The funny thing is: when I painted these first nine couples, I didn’t yet realize my own truth.

Coming out to myself was about self acceptance. When I told Matt, he asked me what this meant for our marriage. I said it meant nothing: instead of choosing him over half the world population, it meant I chose him over all of the world population. But when Matt left me (for other reasons), some of my close friends whom I’d trusted with my secret blamed me for him leaving. ���He’s been through a lot,” they said.

I was scared to tell anyone. For a long time I only told people who were gay, and I spent a lot of time online, on tumblr, living an invisible life, coming to terms with what my sexuality meant.

That’s where I met my first girlfriend. She flew cross country to visit me and I flew cross country to visit her. We fell in love with each other and each other’s kids, and I was going to fly out with the girls to spend Christmas with her, until she broke up with me suddenly and then blocked my phone number before ever explaining why everything was ending.

They say your first heartbreak after a divorce is the worst. When you get divorced, there’s too much other stuff in the way that inhibits the grieving process, so when your first heartbreak after divorce hits you, all that pent up grief rears its ugly head and devastates you. In short, that’s what happened to me. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I kept throwing up for weeks. I lashed out at people, then became disgusted with myself for acting like such a monster and fell into a pit of despair. My body felt like knives were stabbing me, raking my arms from the inside out. My chest felt cavernous. I felt beyond gutted. I felt like I was in tatters.

God bless my therapist, because she texted with me through the worst of it, assuring me that this is what grief felt like. I’d tell her I was scared of the depression. She said I was strong enough to weather a little depression. I took comfort in that. Deep down I knew she was right.

I started cleaning my house. It wasn’t much, but a little every day gave me a sense of normalcy. I signed up for the Motivated Moms checklist so that I wouldn’t have to think about what I was supposed to do. I could just do it.

On Friday, my checklist said to spend time on a craft or hobby. I spent more time scratching my head trying to figure out what I was interested in than I did playing my guitar once I finally remembered I liked to sing. On Sunday I was paralyzed by the suggestion to pamper myself. How does someone pamper themselves? I googled it and read dozens of suggestions before I felt inspired by the suggestion to give myself flowers.

I’d always thought that, when I was with my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, we’d do some sappy romantic thing, and I’d post sappy pictures & let people draw whatever conclusions they wanted to about our relationship. Now that I’m single again, I guess I’m coming out of the closet anyways. I’m not doing it for another person. I’m doing it for myself. Because, at the end of the day, lovers come and go, but there is one person who will love me for my entire life, and that person is me. And it doesn’t take a parent or a husband or a girlfriend to validate my loveliness. I am loved. I am darling. And I am complete, just as I am.

I don’t know why God made me this way, but this is the way I am. I don’t fall in love with people because of what’s in their pants, but because of what’s in their heart. So, in closing, I’d like to share with you the poem I wrote when I was eight years old, long before I knew what the depths of my heartache might bring:

Beauty Your eyes sparkle in the moonlight, Your legs tremble fast, Your voice can sing the wonders, And your ears can hear me laugh, Your nose smells the flowers that I bring to you in prize, Your legs can run freely, And your hands can hold my thighs. But you’re the one in my mind, The wonders that I dream, For you are so beautiful, The wonders of my dreams.

I like to think that, maybe, the woman I’d written it for was, in fact, myself.

[ This essay first appeared on my blog on February 14, 2019, and it is how I came out publicly to my friends, family and the world. I want to repost it here to tumblr in the hopes that it might resonate with you. ]

[marvelmaniac715]

Here’s what I remember about Modern Doctor Who episodes which I have never rewatched (it’s been quite a while since I watched all the episodes back to back at the end of last year and throughout this year) but there’s a character limit so I’m cut off:

The Unquiet Dead - Ghosts and Charles Dickens and Rose’s first trip to the past with Nine

Aliens of London/World War Three - Farting Slitheen family aliens, politics and Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North then Prime Minister (yes, I know who she is)

Dalek - I screamed when I saw a Dalek levitate up the stairs, Rose imprints on a museum Dalek, the Doctor tells a Dalek to die and we meet Adam

School Reunion - K9, Sarah Jane, brain boosting chips and kids who do coding

The Girl in the Fireplace - Reinette, “I’m the Doctor and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour”, banana daiquiri, ‘I Could Have Danced All Night’, fake drunk Doctor insulting Mickey with the adjective “thick” , a horse that the Doctor can’t keep and a spaceship (I’ve seen so many TikTok edits so I know more about this one despite only watching it once)

Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel - Rich Jackie in alternate world, living Pete, alternate Mickey, Rose the Yorkshire Terrier, Doctor and Rose as waiters, and the Cybermen

The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit - Satan himself, a possessed guy with pen on his face and introduction to the Ood

Love and Monsters - Absorvaloff, “wrong bucket”, LINDA, ‘Mr Blue Sky’, Jackie flirting with the protagonist and Elton John

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday - Cybermen, our first glimpse of modern day Torchwood, “I did my duty” and the devastating loss of Rose

Smith and Jones - Introduction to the BAMF Martha Jones, a platoon of Judoon on the moon and an old lady with a straw

Gridlock - Bad traffic, mood patches, Face of Boe says “You Are Not Alone” and a woman has a basket of cats with a cat man

Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks - Andrew Garfield, pig man, human Dalek, Empire State Building, Tallulah and the Great Depression (I distinctly remember sarcastically asking “is the Doctor going to stop the Great Depression?”)

42 - “Burn with me”, the sun and a quiz, aside from that I really don’t remember (hated this episode)

Blink - The Weeping Angels who give me the creeps, peeling off wallpaper to reveal a message from the Doctor, the Doctor’s dvd messages and Sally Sparrow (I physically cannot rewatch this because I instinctively stop blinking whenever I see the Angels and I don’t want my eyes to dry out so I’ll give this one a skip even though it is great)

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End - Missing planets, Shadow Proclamation, insane vortex Dalek, Davros himself, a major epic team up with everyone from all over the Whoniverse and the devastating loss of Donna Noble’s memories

Planet of the Dead - “Hello, I’m the Doctor, happy Easter”, a bus, “He will knock four times” and Lady Christina (I think that’s her name anyway) being a thief and turned down flat when she tries to be a companion

The Beast Below - Happy and sad robot things and a very young looking Queen in space

Victory of the Daleks - Human Dalek guy, “Would you care for some tea?” and Winston Churchill being involved in a fight against Daleks

The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone - Return of River Song my QUEEN, Weeping Angels again, “That which holds the image of an angel becomes an angel” and the church army

The Vampires of Venice - Fish vampires, Venice, “then we will take your world” and the Doctor jumping out of a stag-do cake

Amy’s Choice - Dream pollen, Peruvian folk band with ponchos, pregnancy and sinister old people

The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood - Silurians, Amy being dressed for a much warmer country and a young boy who I affectionately dubbed ‘Exposition Child’ and promptly forgot the actual name of

The Lodger - Fake upstairs apartment, my city being the setting (not filmed there btw) and James Corden being… himself

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang - Big villain team up, River becomes the sun, a fez is yeeted into the distance never to be seen again, plastic Roman Rory, Cleopatra River and the Doctor gives an epic speech

The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon - Child River, the Doctor dies and it’s very creepy

Night Terrors - Creepy dolls singing nursery rhymes, an old lady eaten by a bin, a man swallowed by his floor and an alien child overreacting to an extreme level

The Girl Who Waited - Old Amy and the Doctor lying to Rory to kill a version of Amy (not a cool thing to do)

Closing Time - Cybermen, Stormageddon, the Doctor working in a shop and James Corden 2: The Cordening

The Wedding of River Song - The Doctor doesn’t time so time goes weird, the Doctor gets hitched and I really can’t remember much else

The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe - Narnia ripoff with trees and Matt Smith falls out of a hammock then attempts to play it off like it was part of the scene in the script

Asylum of the Daleks - Dalek eye stalk on humans, Amy hallucinates whilst becoming a Dalek, a pointless divorce and Clara Oswin the soufflé making Dalek

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship - Dinosaurs and Rory’s amazing dad who has a trowel (also the Doctor has a Christmas list)

A Town Called Mercy - A horse called Susan who wants their owner to respect their life choices, the Doctor in a brand new hat and general Western vibes

The Angels Take Manhattan - Weeping Angel Statue of Liberty, more River and we lose Amy and Rory forever but there’s a nice mystery book with a foreword from Amy so it’s all okay

Cold War - Submarine and an Ice Warrior

Hide - 1970s ghost plot (didn’t like it)

Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS - FINALLY we see much more of the TARDIS!

Nightmare in Silver - Cybermen, ungrateful kids and Warwick Davis

Into the Dalek - Rusty says “You are a good Dalek”, Clara meets Danny Pink and cares so the Doctor doesn’t have to

Listen - Orson Pink, Dan the Soldier Man, the Doctor whips out his dad skills and fear is a superpower

Time Heist - Big bank heist and people with flat heads

Kill the Moon - Courtney from Coal Hill (glad she didn’t come back) and an uncomfortable allegory involving the moon being an egg

Mummy on the Orient Express - A train with a killing Mummy and Clara in a great outfit and bob haircut

Flatline - Rigsy, graffiti, tiny TARDIS with the Doctor trapped inside and scary vibes

In the Forest of the Night - Danny leads a school trip, there’s trees, one of the kids is played by the girl that used to voice Peppa Pig and I think at one point it tells kids not to take their medication? I got a bit confused with this one

Last Christmas - Santa and murdering dream worms

Under the Lake/Before the Flood - Bootstrap paradox monologue straight to camera (“Google it”), and the Doctor’s apology cards

Sleep No More - ‘Mr Sandman’ and eye crust

Oxygen - Capitalist space suits, a blue guy and the Doctor goes blind

The Pyramid at the End of the World/The Lie of the Land - The scary Monks rewrite history, Bill’s mum inadvertently changes things, Missy is iconic as always and Bill makes a bad deal

Empress of Mars - Ice Warriors and “God save the Queen” written on Mars

The Eaters of Light - Crows can talk, and Missy CRIES

The Woman Who Fell To Earth - We meet Thirteen and there’s a guy with teeth in his face

The Ghost Monument - Race and sunglasses

Arachnids in the UK - Spiders and Trump

The Tsuranga Conundrum - Pregnant man

Demons of the Punjab - Yaz’s grandmother and racism to aliens

It Takes You Away - Norway, Wooly Rebellion and talking frog

The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos - Teeth Guy

Resolution - Human woman possessed by a Dalek

Nikola Tesla’s Night of Terror - Boredom

Fugitive of the Judoon - Fugitive Doctor and Judoon

Praxeus - Boring mould

Can You Hear Me? - Nightmares

Ascension of the Cybermen - Irish boy is the Doctor

Revolution of the Daleks - Captain Jack!

The Flux - Boring aside from Dan

The three specials - Timeloop, Sea Devils and regeneration

[acosmicdisappointment]

— zak.

is that SEAN TEALE? oh, no, that’s ZAK TORRES, a THIRTY-ONE year old INVESTMENT BANKER who uses HE/HIM pronouns. they currently live in CASA MACAIRE HOUSING, and the character they identify with most is FLYNN RIDER FROM TANGLED. hopefully they find their own little paradise here in el país de los poetas!

BASICS.

FULL NAME. zachary alejandro torres NICKNAME(S). zak (bc he wants to be cool hence using ‘k’), z AGE/BIRTHDAY/ZODIAC. 31 / october 31st / scorpio SEXUAL ORIENTATION. bisexual BIRTHPLACE. putney, london HEIGHT. 6’2” EYE COLOR. dark brown ILLNESSES/CONDITIONS. has a goddamn smolder face TATTOOS/PIERCINGS/SCARS. honey, would you put a bumper sticker on a bentley? FC. sean teale

PERSONALITY.

hella generous charming confident stubborn materialistic impatient

HISTORY.

— Zak was born as the only child of a Venezuelan-Spanish businessman and an English art teacher. His father met his mother on a business trip and fell madly in love. His family were well-off, but it was his uncle, Eduardo Torres, who truly embodied wealth and opulence. — Eduardo was a self-made millionaire, having amassed a fortune through savvy investments and business ventures. Childless and seeing potential in his bright and ambitious nephew, Eduardo took Zak under his wing. He provided Zak with mentorship, guidance, and, eventually, a significant trust fund that would set him up for life. — As the designated heir to his uncle's wealth, Zak was groomed for success from a young age. Eduardo's influence extended beyond financial support; he instilled in Zak the importance of hard work. He had to prove to his uncle that he was worthy of such a fortune. — Growing up, Zak excelled academically, dedicating himself to his studies and aspiring to follow in Eduardo's footsteps in the world of finance. However, his single-minded focus on his career left little room for personal relationships or indulging in the carefree experiences of youth. — So when he met a girl in one of his elective classes, the boy was smitten. Right after graduating college, he proposed to her. — Everything was going well for him, his dedication in his career paid off and he was climbing the ranks. However, his personal life wasn’t so successful. His fiancée yearned for spontaneity and adventure, qualities that Zak struggled to embrace. Her feelings of neglect ultimately led to the end of their engagement, leaving Zak devastated and questioning his priorities. — Determined to learn from his past mistakes, Zak made a conscious decision to change his outlook on life. He realized that success was not just about professional achievements but also about finding a balance and making time for personal fulfillment. — With Eduardo's guidance and support, Zak embarked on a journey of self-discovery, embracing new experiences and learning to appreciate the value of living in the moment. He moved to Valparaíso as a way to start fresh. He’s been living in the region for about 3 years now.

TL;DR

— if you’re looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6’2”, and brown eyes, call zak

EXTRAS.

to read to see to listen

HEADCANONS.

— he in fact wines and dines before the sixty-nines (he’s not that barbaric, that’s why he’s got such a good reputation bc he lets them know his intentions right away) — has a ‘bedroom playlist’ — he’s a great wingman (guaranteed you’d end up with someone’s number by the end of the night) — although he sleeps around, he’s got his standards (he’s a slut with standards) — doesn’t double-dip or sleep with the same person twice (it’s a rule, no exceptions yet sorry!) — would almost say yes whenever you ask him for money though you gotta convince him first (salesman pitch it to him then it’s a guarantee) — he does have an accent — throw parties on his yacht (don’t ask me about boat stuff bc i have no clue abt those) — definitely dances at parties (like actually dance not the bump and grind kinda thing) — kinda like the funcle you’ve always wanted (definitely spoils his faves) — he is both sassy and sexy — knows everyone’s tea but no one knows his — and yes, he does ‘smolder’ when he flirts (i like to think he practices it in the mirror)

WANTED CONNECTIONS/PLOTS.

your finance friend with benefits — who says people you've slept with can't be your friend? have you met '*y/n*'? — zak has some barney stinson traits so stealing this iconic line; he needs friends or people he definitely helps finds dates for more tbd! dms are open for scheming!

[stefanshub]

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU : STAR WARS !

stefan’s story starts post return of the jedi but pre the force awakens & onward through the sequel trilogy. i'm willing to alter timeline for plotting purposes.

name : stefan salvatore. birthday: unknown, rumored to be around november. age: nineteen - twenty - five. sexuality: bi-sexual. ( no preference ) species: human. home planet: tatooine. current planet: timeline dependent. parents: giuseppe & lilian salvatore. siblings: damon salvatore. occupation: scavenger. ( pre - the force awakens ) , space pilot for the resistance. ( right before the force awakens to current timeline ) languages spoken: galactic basic & droidspeak. force sensitive: no. most prized possession: a medallion he got from his mother. faceclaim : lorenzo zurzolo.

for backstory purposes & what not i am saying damon exists in this verse. however, he will never be i.an s.omerholder to me as he makes me uncomfortable.

stefan & damon were born on the planet tatooine but due to their father stealing from jabba the hutt, the salvatores had to flee so he wouldn’t get caught. they ended up on the planet naboo, in the human capital, theed. once they arrived, giuseppe immediately sold what he stole, gaining enough money for them to live in a decently sized home. their mother became a seamstress to make money while their father continued to be in illegal “ business exchanges. ”

when stefan was nine, there was word going around that giuseppe was being hunted by a bounty hunter who jabba hired. with this news, the salvatoraes once again had to flee, leaving their comfortable life behind.

this time they ended up on the isolated desert planet known as jakku. giuseppe had assured his family that they’d be safe here for good, considering it’s a planet that’s isolated from most. just two weeks past stefan’s tenth birthday, the bounty hunter who was looking for his father found them on the desert planet. this was only a couple months after they arrived. without any warning, giuseppe was put in handcuffs & dragged away from their new home. however, since so much time had passed, jabba thought taking his father wouldn’t be enough of a punishment. this resulted in stefan’s mother being killed in front of him & his brother, fortunately the boys were spared.

the boys had no other family, so they ended up having to fend for themselves. damon had to sell most of their parents things so the two could keep their home. & then he got a job so they could continue living in their home. when stefan was old enough, he started to scavenge as much as he could help damon out with food & everything else they needed. the boys continued to live like this for several years.

five years before the force awakens ( stefan is nineteen at this time ) stefan meets general leia organa. she was quick to see that stefan & damon were orphans & only had each other without much else. she offered them both a place in the resistance & they accepted. she became like a mentor for stefan along with vice admiral holdo, who becomes like a second mother to him.

stefan ended up being trained by poe dameron to become a pilot for the resistance. because he was trained by poe, he is one of the top pilots.

unfortunately, damon dies during the last jedi when the first order starts shooting down the evacuation transports. it devastates stefan as he officially has no biological family left.

during the rise of skywalker, stefan joins the trio, c-3po, R2-D2 & chewbacca on their journey to find the wayfinder & eventually to exegol.

[marjaystuff]

Interview with Terri Parlato

What Waits in The Woods

Detective Rita Myers Book 2

Terri Parlato

Kensington Pub

Dec 26th, 2023

What Waits in The Woods by Terri Parlato has a riveting plot.  Not only does it have a full mystery with many people of interest, but it also explores how an athlete, in this case a dancer, can have their career derailed by an injury.

Esmé Foster forcibly retired from her chosen career as a ballet dancer. Now, eleven years later she returns home to Graybridge.  But her return home is anything but calm, considering it coincides with one of her high school friends, Kara Cunningham, found dead in the woods behind the Fosters’ house. Her crushed skull allows detective Rita Myers to realize it was not an accident, but a murder. 

Now, Esmé’s high school friends, her family, and neighbors are all suspects. To make matters worse the killing has intensified the nightmares Esmé had after her mother was killed in a car accident when she was nine. She remembers a man who showed up at the scene of the car accident and told Esmé he was going to kill her too. Family and friends insist that no man exists and that her memory is faulty. But that never stopped the nightmares or her determination to find the “Phantom” man. 

This story is told in two perspectives which increases the intensity. The neighbors, Mr. York, and the Ridley family, also have reasons to be considered people of interest.  One is a creepy old man, and the family has a drug dealer, a convict who finished serving time, and a sister who has a brain injury from a childhood tumble down a flight of stairs and was suspected of quarreling with her sister and drowning her. 

There are not only multiple suspects but also multiple twists and turns. Readers will be kept guessing as to who the killer is and what was their motive.

Elise Cooper: Why ballet?

Terri Parlato: I had the main character as a professional ballerina, but then her dancing days ended do to an injury.  I explored how does she move forward.  I wanted to give her a professional life and wrote about something I really love.  I vicariously enjoyed ballet and read books about ballerinas.  I went to the ballet whenever I could.  Esmé had to retire at age 27 which is not unusual because they have a short career. Ballet is very hard on the body.

EC: It seems a lot of dancers and sports figures flounder when they must retire-do you agree?

TP:  To be a ballerina and even with sports it is a passion. I wanted to write what happens to that person who devoted their whole life to something and it comes to an end.  How would she handle it?

EC: Esmé and her friends?

TP: They were close friends.  After Esmé graduated from high school she ran away to another state.  Now that she is back home, she wants to reunite with her friends and is devasted that one of them, Kara, was murdered. She feels guilty because she never tried to keep up the friendship and now that Kara is dead, she has no chance of doing it. She had a lot of regrets. All these friends become suspects in Kara’s death.

EC:  How would you describe the victim, Kara?

TP:  Sweet, naïve, trusting, and an addict. Her father left when she was little which made her insecure.

EC:  How about Esmé?

TP:  When she was young, she was selfish.  Her father was an alcoholic which affected her.  But she matures throughout the book. I want my main character to go on a journey, changing for the better. 

EC:  Why different narratives?

TP:  I used to write in third person.  But then I read a book by Mary Kubica that had several points of view.  I thought how it got me into the mind of the character, in first person. It also helps me build suspense as well.

EC: There is a quote in the book by, Esmé describing her family-can you explain?

TP: She felt being home was not great, but it was home sweet home. “There is something deep connecting us to the place where we grew up.  The familiar scenery, smells, memories.  It is a sense of belonging, shared histories…” Looking at my own life, I am very sentimental and nostalgic. Even though everything when I was a child was not necessarily happy, it was still home. I wanted to show how it was bittersweet for Esmé who was gone for eleven years, to now come home. Things might have been sad and scary, but she did find there were good times.

EC:  How would you describe Detective Rita?

TP: This is the second book in the series.  In the first book, All the Dark Places, Rita had another case to solve. I am still flushing out her personality. I wanted to create a detective who was an older woman. She is still vital in her career and is not someone who is pushed to the sidelines.  She is a workaholic that limits her social life.  She is very independent and tough.

EC:  Why the “Sweet Dancer” poem in the beginning of the book?

TP:  I am a former English teacher.  I love poetry.  To me, this sounds so much like Esmé.  It is a poem about ballet, but there is some darkness in it as well. People will have read it before they start the story.  I wanted to bring some artistic sentiment since Esmé is a retired ballerina in an emotional state. I think poetry elicits emotion. 

EC:  Next book?

TP:  Rita will be in the next book.  Same police department, same fictional town. There is no title yet.  It should come out next December.  There will be a compelling case for Rita to solve.  There will be a third point of view. This one does not start with a murder, which is different than the first two books in the series. 

THANK YOU!!

[existentialmagazine]

Review: The singer-songwriter Joey Miceli looks to stir deeper emotion in vulnerable new single ‘String of Pearls’

First stepping into the music industry at only nine years old, Joey Miceli has been slowly but surely on the rise through the last decade, pouring everything he has into his music. Known for his reflective, ethereal, and impassioned work, this singer-songwriter hailing from Las Vegas is unafraid to be real, a staple part of what makes his music so easy to love and connect with. Now sharing ‘String of Pearls’, Joey continues his themes of vulnerability with a slice of something new.

Sweet and sincere, ‘String of Pearls’ flows within a warmth and whimsicality that’s both a little aching and a little healing all at once, almost like Joey has captured the serenity of a solitary walk through nature pondering every high and low through your jumbled mind. With a carefully finger-picked acoustic guitar riff the only isolated instrument in play from the get-go, ‘String of Pearls’ is immediately so effortlessly fragile and yet still complex, flowing out like the pages of a diary kept close and revealed to only those deserving of listening. Joey’s vocals float within an angelic higher range that’s both lulling and comforting, carrying with his tender words just as much emotion and heart as there is confessional outpouring in his words. The chorus climbs through more ambitious heights, shifting into deep, drawn-out piano keys, whirring backing synthetics and distorted backing vocals to fade back into the second verse. Together, this minimal but luscious layering of sound creates such a textural depth to the journey of ‘String of Pearls’ , still feeling close-to-the-heart but padded out nonetheless. Pulsating beats build into the following chorus, all the while the aforementioned instruments rise further and in more prominence, a cathartic outburst of sorts that rescinds back into its more light introductory guitar to close things out. Though nearly four minutes in length, ‘String of Pearls’ isn’t really a song that can be defined by time, instead leaving you feeling deeply and staying with you for a lifetime.

Sharing his own personal philosophy on how we give grace to those who injure us, Joey writes of a heartbreak filled with compassion, healing and the realest of emotion. As one of the opening lines declares ‘I’m sure the next one will say the same’ , Joey straight-away shows a hint of frustration towards the repeated behaviour of someone who did him wrong, knowing it’s a pattern sure to continue. Further singing ‘even when I felt the closest you had me at a distance, like I was so goddamn witness’ , Joey captures the sense of a one-sided romance, feelings left unreciprocated and yet still led on to be something more. Giving his all and receiving only a fraction in return, ‘String of Pearls’ embodies the yearning to be loved we all carry, and the devastation of wholeheartedly loving someone who doesn’t see us quite the same. Placing himself first, Joey reveals ‘I chose a better part of me to end a violent chemistry, you had me at sadistic, I took you with your sickness’, finally prioritising his own happiness above the toxic partnership he had endured. It feels like hints of guilt had kept him stuck in the past though, feeling a sense of obligation to support them through their lows: ‘let your past roam unbound, ‘cause you could never face yourself without my help.’ Even through it all, Joey still finds the strength to show gratitude and love at the core, an ode to his character and the growth we all have to build upon as the complexities of being human will always be a messy entanglement of finding ourselves: ‘when I start to think of you, I’ll think of you laughing, your smile reminds me you’re not vicious, just adapting.’

Check out ‘String of Pearls’ for yourself here to feel deeper touch of Joey’s words with a sound that’ll linger with you long after.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Unknown

// This coverage was supported and created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

[thefirstknife]

Good summary!

I'd also add that Mara's goal has always been and remains to be saving humanity. This is the sole reason she made the Awoken as she did back in the Distributary, to make them willing to leave the safety of the Distributary and return to the system to help humanity. She considered the Distributary to be a temporary haven to escape the Collapse and that the Awoken owed a debt to the rest of humanity for surviving the Collapse inside the Distributary; a debt they would have to repay and one day return to the system:

"It is time that we accept our debt. The Distributary is a refuge, not a birthright; a base to rebuild our strength, not a garden to tend. I ask you, Awoken, to join me in the hardest and most worthy task a people has ever faced. We must leave our heaven, return to the world of our ancestors, and take up the works they abandoned. If some of them survive, we must offer aid. If they have enemies, we must share our strength. We must go back to the war we fled and face our enemies there."

I'm not sure why people forget that; possibly because it was framed in Marasenna as something that made Mara "the devil" because she schemed for this to be possible, as well as for deliberately making "imperfect" people. What people forget is that she had to. If she made the Distributary and the Awoken differently, they never would've left. Why would they?

"I have nurtured and tended the Eccaleist belief so that there will always be Awoken who feel uncomfortable in paradise. Guilty for the gift of existence in the Distributary. People who'll come with me."

She is correct, of course, albeit she did this in the most convoluted and shady way possible. But she was correct in doing so, because the Awoken were needed by the rest of humanity, and still are. Mara's actions further saved humanity at Twilight Gap and with Oryx's arrival. Both of these events would've been devastating to humanity, and possibly would've wiped us out (Oryx sure would've).

Mara has always been our ally, despite her schemes and weird ways of achieving her goals that often hurt a lot of people in the process. She used to be the sort of "end justifies the means" type, but has since changed as she started working more closely with us and, as the above reply mentions, since she had a personal run-in with the Witness. Ikora's assessment of Mara from the Witch Queen Collector's Edition:

I believe Mara has begun to consider that she may not be the prime executor of her own endgame. She may be just one component of the bomb—a payload or a timing device. At the end of her own journey, she is necessary but not sufficient. She can no longer fight alone.

This is why she helps us. She has grand plans to save humanity, but she realised that she cannot execute those plans alone. She cannot fight alone and she cannot win alone.

And of course, to reiterate, in regards to Savathun; nobody knew or even considered the possibility that killing Savathun would actually help her. This was a massive and incredibly wild event that happened in-universe. Mara killing Savathun was Mara using her incredible power to strike down one of our most insidious enemies and it worked. Nobody, not even Mara, could've known that this is what Savathun wanted and that she would be granted the Light. Like, I need to stress that the Hive becoming Lightbearers has to treated as a world-shattering event that it was. Nobody knew this was possible. It was on nobody's radar as possible. Imagine the least likely situation that could never happen on Earth and that was Savathun being rezed by a Ghost.

In the first chronological appearance of Mara, while she's still human and on board the Exodus ship, one of the first things she talks about is how much she loves Earth:

She was nineteen years and nine months old at the moment the ship began its transtellar injection burn, although this is true only if you count by the calendar of a planet she has barely visited but will always love. She thinks you cannot help but love Earth if you grow up in space. You love Earth the way all adolescents secretly adore two-century-old video of nai nai and ye ye dancing on New Year's Eve. Earth does not ask too much. The colonies are demanding parents, but Earth is like a chill old grandma, simmering in weird art and weirder ideas, enthroned upon ecology older than Human time. Earth was the first terraformed world. Life made Earth livable.

What Mara is getting out of this is saving humanity and Earth, the first and only goal she's had since the start.

So do we as a community actually trust Mara Sov? Like, she's definitely been acting suspicious lately. I just got back into the game after being unable to play for a hot minute so I don't know what all happened in the last season past what I learned from the in-game recap, but this season definitely has me questioning Mara's motives.

Aside from Riven's entire speech about Mara not being upfront with us, I've never trusted her all that much. In Season of the Lost, she severed Savathun's connection with her worm, which allowed her to die outside her thrownworld and receive the Light. In a lot of ways, she was responsible for the Witch Queen campaign. And, to be fair, we were all tricked by Savathun in that season, but we had a reason to bargain with her. She had Osiris held hostage. But why was Mara so eager to help Savathun? Last I checked, she's got no reason to risk it all for Osiris (I might be wrong, but I'm not sure if they even knew each other before this). Maybe she did it to get her techeuns back, but why make a deal with Savathun to do it when the Guardian would likely be willing to help her out with that anyway? It just seems like a lot of risk for an unclear motive. The more we look at it, the more we find Mara assisting us while having very unclear motives. A lot of her actions just don't add up. And while I have absolutely no reason to trust a single thing Riven says, she does make a good point. We don't know what Mara's getting out of this. This is the second time she's made a deal with one of our greatest enemies without being clear about what she stands to gain. We know her overarching motive is to remove the curse on the Dreaming City, so maybe she's trying to accumulate power to do so? And if that's true, how far is she willing to go?

Idk, just my random thoughts. I have no idea if any of this is even worth overthinking. But. I do not trust this lady. The vibes are off.