#nikolai doesn't hesitate. he doesn't doubt. that isn't part of the character he plays.

[zukkaoru]

[ID in alt]

when characters with very carefully crafted personas begin to crack and expose the truth behind the mask. nikolai, who has spent the entire time he's known fyodor plotting ways to kill him, is horrified when he actually sustains a life-threatening injury. and not only is this the first time we see him express an emotion like this, but he's also stumbling over his words - both verbally and internally - which is not something Nikolai does. he's confident. he's smug. he's a clown and the world is his circus. he's a performer and the mask stays on for everyone.

until fyodor's death is real. he never expected fyodor to be the one to die. he brought a radio with him to celebrate. he wouldn't do that for dazai. he claims he wants to kill fyodor, and he probably thinks he does, but he also didn't truly believe it was possible. he set a goal he didn't believe was achievable. except it was, it is, and it's happening right now before his eyes and--

it doesn't feel like he thought it would. it doesn't feel like freedom. it feels like a new cage you built for yourself.