#nick cage had the most hair in it i'll give it that

[books-apples-socks]

me on my quest not to rag on francis ford coppola and get pelted in the face/put in the stocks for it part 8348329239: captain's log it's not going well

[flowerbetweenfangs]

Caged

(This is a longer one and will be put under read more. CW: There is slavery, but the reader is looking to free/dismantle the system in their own way)

You came across the caged people in the middle of the day. There were no code words or secret passages to get to the displays. It was like any other booth at the bazaar.

Most of the cages were filled with beastmen. Unlike the creatures who roamed the forest, they would walk on two legs. Some could even speak.

Lionmen, Tigerladies, Avian Sapiens, "Not Deer", Chimera, and even a few Phoenixes all stared at you as you walked. Some grabbed the bars and strained their faces to look at you. A small flicker of danced across your eyes. Maybe a spark of hope that they would be freed.

"How long has this been going on?" You asked your companion.

"What do you mean?"

"The slaves?"

"Ah. Well, my dear blue blood..." Their voice trailed off as they stared at the cages. "Surely you heard about the market for this? They're not slaves..." They wiggled their fingers, brows furrowed as they attempted to come up with an explanation. "Merely.... Indentured servants."

"Why not put an offer up on the boards in town?" You raised a skeptical brow and ventured closer to the cages.

A walking stick slapped your chest. The impact smarted. Wincing, you stepped away to rub the sore spot.

"You shouldn't question this so much." Your companion hissed next to your ear.

"How much are the contracts?" You asked. There wasn't much left in your purse, but surely you could at least free one.

"Sorry?"

"We offer a wide variety of specimens and creatures." A well dressed figure stepped out from behind one of the cages. He ran a walking stick of his own across the bars, causing many who had come forward to retreat and whimper.

"We've broken them in ahead of time," His smile made the hair on the back of your neck stand up. "So they should already be obedient."

"Broken in?" Your brows raised more. So they had beaten or tortured these creatures into compliance?

"Don't worry, little Blue Blood." The man bowed. "We would not want a client to be harmed by the merchandise. If one does harm you or run away, we will send in our own parties to capture and return them, and give you a new one."

Your companion must have seen your scheming expression. The waling stick slammed down on the top of your foot and a quick throat clear was all the warning they could offer while being discreet.

Your eyes went to the Lionman again. They'd shorn his mane. Nicks and a few notches in his ear and surrounding fur showed how gentle they'd been. Dried blood and dirt clung to his body.

Your stomach churned at the fetid stench and sight. The sign declaring his price seemed insultingly low for another life. But considering how much the sellers had damaged the "merchandise", perhaps that was why.

You put down the coins.

The merchant slid over papers. The sloppily applied seal at the bottom hinted at their legitimacy, or lack thereof. Clenching your jaw, your eyes flicked to the top of the page. The spot next to "Name" was blank.

"He's your property, so you get to call him what you want."

"I'll... Think about it."

***

When you arrived home, the newcomer's nose wrinkled, sniffing his new environment.

Setting the papers down, you waved over one of the notaries, who came over with blank pieces of papers and writing tools. While you could read and write, the palace preferred the people they paid to be the ones who crossed the Ts and dotted the Is, along with minding the Ps and Qs.

"What is your name?" You asked the creature once your companion left to the servants' quarters. Laughter and cheers erupted shortly after.

The sudden noise had the Lionman's eyes wide, what little fur he had standing on end.

"They're always off by the seventeenth mark." You explained.

His eyes remained focused on the door. A chalice fell over as his thrashing tail struck it. As red wine sloshed across the table, the notary screeched, trying to save the paper.

Fabric tore and in a golden blur, the Lionman's fist slammed down on the table in front of you.

A filthy rag was clutched in his hand. And he was wearing less clothing than before.

"Forgive me." His hand trembled as he attempted to wipe up he rest of the wine.

"It's okay." You tried to keep your tone gentle as your heart became a battering ram against your chest. He'd moved so fast. Tore off his clothes, just to keep some wine off yours.

"And what is the name of my savior?" You tried again, now that you had his attention.

"I... Do not have one."

You inhaled sharply. Perhaps releasing him back into the wild wasn't the best option, just yet.

"Well... I paid a gold piece for you. You have golden fur. And you clearly are showing you will be worth every piece." You looked to the notary.

"What's another word for gold?"

"Well, an old word for gold piece was "Aureus."" The notary explained as they spread the papers across the tables.

You turned back to the Lionman.

"Is that acceptable?"

He dropped to one knee, arm across his abdomen.

"Of course, Master."

[florenceandthejellybean]

1. "I love you ,its ruining my life" WAS NOT EXPECTION THAT IN FORNIGHT ,A TRACK 1?

I absolutely love the beat tho and I'm so exited for the music vid

2. HOLY SHIT THIS GD TITLE TRACK IS GIVING RED TO ME?

LIKE CAN YOU HEAR THE RED? I MF LOVE IT

"This ain't the Chelsea Hotel ,we're modern idiots"

"You left your typewriter at my apartment ,straight from the Tortured Poets department"

NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING DAMN

3. "I clean up sandcastles he destroys"

NOOOOOOO

"Left all these broken parts ,and told me I'm better off"

STOP IT PLEASE

4. "For a minute I knew cosmic love ,now I'm down back crying at the gym"

TELL ME THATS NOT WOLFSTAR/JEGULUS CODED?!?!?

Actually this whole song is giving wolfstar

"Everything comes out ,teenage petulance"

SIRIUS AND THE PRANK

5. TRACK FIVE OH GOD

"How much sad did you ,think I had ,did I have in me?"

STOPPP HELPNO ILL CRY

(INTERRUPTION TO SAY SHES JUST ANNOUNCED 15 EXTRA SONGS HOLY FUCK?!?!?!? SHES A MACHINE BRO)

6. "I only know these people raise you ,to cage you"

THIS SONG OMDS IT HITS SO HARD

"I'm having his baby ,no I'm not ,but you should see your faces"

Giggled bc that's rlly funny

7. "Now pretty baby I'm running back home to you ,fresh out the slammer I know who my first call will be to"

AHHHHHHHH

8. FLORENCEEEEEE

"I need to forget so take me to florida ,I got some regrets ill Bury them in florida"

9. "My boredoms bone deep"

"Am I allowed to cry"

"Someone told me ,there's no such thing as bad thoughts. Only your actions talk"

"If its make beleive ,why does it feel like a vow"

MARAUDERS FANDOM THOUGH

10. "You don't get to tell me about sad"

NO OMG THE WAY SHE SCREAMS THE TITLE HURTS SO MUCH

"Is it a wonder I broke let's hear one more joke ,then we could all just laugh until I cry"

"Who's afraid of little old me, well you should be"

"So tell me everything is not about me ,but what if it is? Then say they didn't do it to hurt me ,but what if they did? I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me. You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me."

Fuck

11. "But your good lord doesn't need to lift a finger ,I can fix him (no really I can)"

"He had a halo of the highest grade ,he just hadn't met me yet"

12. "Black and white ,all those plot twists"

The noble and most ancient house of black.

"I wish I could un recall ,how we almost had it all"

"It was legendary ,it was momentary"

13. TRACK 13!

"Cuz I'm a real tough kid ,I can handle my shit"

"Lights camera bitch smile ,even when you wanna die"

"I'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday"

"I cry alot but I am so productive, it's an art"

"Cuz I'm miserable ,and no one even knows"

14. "Was any of it true ,gazing at me starry eyed"

"And I don't even want you back I just want to know ,if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal"

"And I would have died for your sins ,but instead I just died inside"

15. "Honestly ,who are we to fight the alchemy"

"This happens once every few lifetimes"

16. Last track before bonuses/the doubke album omgggg

"All your life did you know, you'd be picked like a rose"

"No one in my small town thought I'd see the lights of manhattan"

"You look like ,stevie nicks in 75 ,the hair and lips ,crowd goes wild at her fingertips ,a half moon shine ,a full eclipse"

MARAUDERSMARAUDERSMARAUDERSMARAUDERS

"Promise to be dazzling"

"You look like taylor swift in this life were loving it ,you've got edge she never did ,the futures bright ,dazzling"

I'LL POST A RANKING WHEN I DECIDE BUT AHHHHHH

[muwapsturniolo]

✯𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐒𝐨 𝐆𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐀 𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐫 𝐑𝐨𝐥𝐥✯

IN WHICH... Chris experiences the best head of his life at the freak show.

WARNINGS: NSFW CONTENT AHEAD!!! switch!chris, dom!colby, cuck!colby, switch!reader. clowns, fire, alcohol, sexual escapades, oral (m receiving), slapping, choking.

Chris doesn't know how he got into this situation.

One minute he was at a club in LA with his friends, then he was in some bedroom getting head from Tara's friends who works at the place.

Let's start from the beginning.

Chris was a bit on edge tonight.

The triplets had turned 21 about a week ago, and Tara and a few of their other friends (Sam and Colby, Jake and Johnny, Larray and Quen) had planned to take them to a club. Because Tara was the one who came up with the idea, she decided the club of the night should be ''FreakShow''.

When the triplets heard this, they were all put off by it.

Who names a club FreakShow?

With some convincing, Tara got them to agree. They arrived at the club and instantly were confused with the people they were seeing.

It looked like a rock show with how much leather and gothic faces they were met with. "Tara, what the fuck is this place?" Nick asked as they walked right past the security guard and into the club. Tara answers with a giggle, excitement coursing through her veins.

"Relax! Just have fun tonight!" Colby says clapping his hands and rubbing them together. The group walks through a tunnel that's illuminated in black light, wild scribbles on the wall catching their attention. Chris makes out some of the words scribbled on the wall and he chuckles to himself.

They approach a door where a girl in a clown outfit and face paint greets them. "Tara! Long time no see! How are you?" The girls voice is a bit high-pitched, fitting her clown costume.

"Janey! I know I've been so busy but I brought some new friends since they just turned 21!" The girl, now known as Janey, eyes the triplets. It's as if her mood switches, her body movement becoming more animated. She gives a wide creepy smile showing off her sharp yellow teeth.

"Well, Tara you know the rules. Each new person has to tell the freakiest thing they have done, after all this is the FreakShow."

The triplets immediately look at Tara, their eyes wide. "Tara you did not tell us this!" Everyone laughs as the boys begin to freak out. "Oh calm down! there are no cameras or anything, and this place is free of judgment! Look I'll even say mine!" Tara turned back to Janey and smiled, "I made out with Y/n and Jake watched!" Jake nods along, proving the statement is true.

"Ok, now you guys go! Hurry up I don't want to miss Y/n's show."

The brothers look at each other, speaking with their eyes.

"Fuck it! I blew a guy in the locker room during a fire drill." Nick states.

Chris chokes on his spit hearing Nick's confession. He remembers that day and how Nick was talking about a sore throat. Now he knows why. "Matt your turn," Nick says waving his hand, not wanting the attention to stay on him.

"Umm... Can I like whisper it to you?" He asks Janey. She nods and takes a step closer, allowing Matt to whisper in her ear. She pulls away with an eyebrow raised. "I'm going to find you later, you seem fun to play with." Matt blushes and turns to Chris waiting for him to go.

"Umm, I had sex with a girl wearing a Ghostface mask?" Janey smiles at the group and unlocks the metal door, letting them through with a bow, "Have fun at the FreakShow."

Tara thanked her before pushing the group through the doors.

The sight they are met with is almost scandalous. Multiple people in revealing outfits. Most of them are clown-themed, and others are just straight-up lingerie. Like Janey, some of the faces are covered in paint, and their hair being done up in crazy ways.

There are girls and guys on stages, some dancing on poles and others just dancing provocatively. There are some people in cages and others on aerial hoops.

"This is like a fucking circus!"

Chris states holding onto Larray tightly when a girl walks past him with a snake. Tara guides them to a section that's blocked off and has a perfect view of the stage. Chris immediately notices a wide variety of liquor on the table with a placement card that reads Tara's name.

They sit down and begin to drink, the alcohol instantly loosening Chris up and making him relax.

The group laughs and talks, pointing out the different acts of the "freaks" around them.

"She just shoved a knife down her throat! I definitely think I cou-Holy shit!" Nick jumps back into his seat as a girl walks by, blowing fire out of her mouth. She cackles before bouncing away, literally.

A bit of time passes before a loud voice resembling the Jokers comes over the intercom.

"Tonight we have a special show for you freaks, created by our one and only Y/n, a true freak herself. She loves to scare, and she loves to make all genders crumble. Try not to drool and try not to cream." He lets out a manic laugh that makes some of the crowd uneasy, and the rest shout.

A loud bass fills the club, shaking the whole floor. Chris could feel his insides vibrating along with the bottles on the table. His eyes dart to the stage as the familiar lyrics all over Tiktok makes it's way through his ears.

"Go, go, go, go Head so good, she a honor roll She'll ride the dick like a carnival I done did the impossible!"

A bunch of contorted bodies crawl onto the stage, sending a shiver up Chris's spine. He watches their ragged but hypnotizing movements, the way some of them flip and bend intriguing him.

He sits up seeing an aerial hoop descending down onto the stage, a body attached to it.

"That's Y/n!" Tara shouts as she jumps up from the couch, clapping excitedly.

Y/n does a bunch of tricks on the hoop that has the crowd shouting in encouragement.

Pain all in my eyes, I can't see, huh I'm 'bout to jump out my body, I'm ready to leap, uh

She hangs upside down from the hoop by her legs, two of the dancers beginning to spin her.

Dollar signs all in my dreams, I don't never see Z's, whoa, whoa-whoa That swag cover my body like it's a disease, whoa, whoa-whoa

She sensually lowers her body from the hoops and crawls on the runway of the stage, almost like a lion getting ready to pounce on its prey.

Go, go, go, go Head so good, she a honor roll She'll ride the dick like a carnival I done did the impossible

When she gets to the end of the runway, she arches her back, stretching her arms forward like a cat.

She stands quickly and does backhand springs until she lands in the center of the stage, the rest of the dancers circling around her. One of them grabs her neck, yanking it back harshly and pouring a liquid into her mouth.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

She blows bright pink flames from her mouth, the pyrotechnics on the stage following her lead. Everyone screams in shock as the song ends.

"She finally did it! Holy shit!"

The girl smiles and gives her final bow, blowing a kiss to the crowd before cartwheeling off the stage.

"That was different," Matt says after he stops clapping. The club resumes with random songs playing and people continuing their partying. " Y/n always puts on good shows! Never a disappointment."

Colby jumps feeling a pair of hands caress his chest before sliding down, "Aww you flatter me Colby." Tara squeals seeing her best friend. As the girl walks around the couch, Chris takes the time to examine her. Her outfit consists of black ripped fishnets, a bright pink thong that is covered by a black leather mini skirt, and a leather bikini top that presses her boobs together. Her hair was in some kind of style Chris couldn't exactly name, but it suited her. Her makeup wasn't the craziest he'd seen tonight, but it was still enough to pique his interest considering she had one-star eye-contact in, as well as concealed eyebrows. Her feet were covered in black chunky boots that made her seem taller than she actually was.

She plops down in Colby's lap, smiling at Tara. "So I take it we liked the show?"

Everyone begins to hype her up, expressing how good it was. "I'm glad you all loved it! I had to practice my fire blowing for weeks!"

Suddenly Y/n's eyes fall on the three boys, "I've never seen you three before." Her eyes stay on Chris, making him quickly look away. "They are my friends! They just turned 21 and I wanted them to have a fun night! This is Nick, Matt, and Chris!" Tara explains.

Y/n hums and leans back into Colby who is rubbing her thighs through her fishnets.

"Are you three having fun?"

Chris is too busy watching Colby’s hands, he doesn't answer her, leaving Nick and Matt to do so. "This place is very ...different?" Y/n laughs at Nick's descriptive words.

"It is different, that's the joy of it all. A place for any and everyone who might be into the weird things to come in and relax, have fun, unleash their inner freak."

"What are you into?" Chris suddenly asks.

"Ask Colby what I'm into." Chris’s eyes dart to Colby who is cheesing hard. "Oh yeah, this one is crazy. She asked me to hold a knife to her throat a couple of times."

"Girl what? You're insane." Nick says shaking his head. She does nothing but wink before leaning forward and grabbing a cup of alcohol. Chris can't help but watch the way some of the liquid spills out the side of the cup, and falls down her glimmering breasts.

"Oh my god wait! I haven't seen you in so long! I saw you got your tongue split! let me see!" Quen shouts over the music.

Y/n cheeses and opens her mouth, letting the split tongue fall out of her mouth.

Chris thought he would have been disgusted with the muscular organ, but he found himself adjusting how he was sitting, attempting to hide his rising boner.

Colby notices instantly and smirks to himself, plotting.

“I don’t know if I find it cool or weird,” Larray states, poking the tongue in the process. “It hurt like a bitch but it’s so fun now! I can tie a cherry stem now…I also got to eat a girl out and she said it felt amazing.”

“Wait I need to see the cherry thing!”

She takes a cherry from the jar on the table and puts it in her mouth, chewing on the bittersweet fruit before moving her tongue around.

Chris can’t help but imagine what the split tongue would feel like on his tip, wrapped around both sides as she-

“Done!” She sticks her tongue out, the tied stem on display.

Chris sucks in a sharp breath and abruptly stands up, “I-I have to go to the bathroom.” He announces, walking off without another word.

“Y/n you should show him where the bathroom is.” Colby suggests.

Y/n isn’t dumb, she had seen Chris looking at her and trying to hide his boner since she sat down on Colby’s lap.

She gives Colby a look before standing up and strutting off, her eyes set on Chris. She slides infront of him making him stumble back, “let me show you to the bathroom.” She doesn’t give him an option, grabbing his hand and leading him through the club.

They walk through a dimly lit hallway before she pushes him through a curtain.

“T-this isn’t the bathroom.” He mumbles looking around the room. He notices a bed and his heart begins to race.

“I know.” The smile she gives is anything but innocent. She walks closer to him, her taller stature towering over him. “I also know you were only going to the bathroom to jerk off.”

She trails an acrylic finger down his chest before stopping at his belt,

“Tell me Chris, do you like freaks? Cause I like freaks too.”

Her eyes dart up, making the boy gulp as a sheer sheet of sweat forms on his forehead. She leans down and whispers in his ear, “I’m not stupid, I saw the way you were looking at me, especially my tongue.” She allows the split muscle to lightly lick his ear.

His face burns a bright pink as he whimpers. “Come on, you know you want to.” She taunts as her hand lightly begins to palm him.

“W-what about Colby?”

“What about me?”

Y/n whips around and smiles seeing the tall boy. He walks over and stands behind her, wrapping his large hand around her throat. “Is this s-some kind of joke? Aren’t you guys dating?” Chris asks looking at the two, his heart beating out of his chest.

“Dating? Nooo, me and this one just like to have fun sometimes.” Y/n giggles and nods along to Colby’s words, her hand still palming Chris.

Colby lets go of Y/n and walks over to a chair in the corner, taking a seat. “Now, I’m giving you the opportunity to have fun tonight.”

“Come on Chris, don’t you want to have fun?” Y/n tags on.

Chris looks over to Colby who nods, giving him the ok to agree.

"Yeah...Ok"

Y/n grins sadistically before grabbing a fistful of his shirt, pushing the boy back on the bed. Chris is looking at her as if she’s crazy, he’s never been manhandled by a girl before and he didn’t expect it to turn him on this much.

She crawls over him before settling down on his lap, grinding down on his erection. His hands fly to her hips as he lets out a barely audible moan.

“Tell me what you want pretty boy,” she continues to grind her hips, her own wetness spreading through her folds.

“He wants your mouth,” Colby answers as he palms himself through his jeans. She grins down at Chris, tilting her head to the side.

“You want my mouth?” She leans down, watching his eyes dart to her lips. She sees the temptation in his eyes and she feeds into it. She grabs hold of his jaw and plants her lips against his.

He squeezes her sides tightly as she pushes her tongue in his mouth, a chill running up his spine as he feels the split muscle fighting against his own tongue.

“Quit teasing him,” Colby demands. Y/n pulls away from Chris with an eye roll and looks at Colby.

“I’m not teasing him, it’s called foreplay. Maybe you forgot since everyone else you fuck is trash.” Her bratty response causes Colby to rise to his feet. He yanks her off of Chris and forces her to her knees.

He grabs a fistful of her hair, yanking her head back and looking down at her smirking face.

"She's a brat Chris, always wanting to press your buttons and get you worked up until you go over the deep end-"

Chris's eyes widen for what seems like the umpteenth time this night seeing Colby slap the girl on her knees. Her face whips to the side but her chesire smile never leaves.

He does it again, and again, and again, until Y/n is sniffling softly, her smile slowly falling. Colby grabs hold of her jaw and forces her head upward, "are you done being a brat?"

"Yes," she answers obediently, her once playful and seductive tone replaced with a submissive one.

Colby takes the initiative and shoves Y/n's face into Chris's hard-on, the bulge pressing against her aching cheek.

"Now be good and suck him off. We both know you've been wanting to try that new modification out."

Chris stays frozen, this whole situation being new to him. He doesn't know what to do besides sit and watch.

"Now!" The girl jumps and hastily begins to unbutton Chris's belt. He lifts himself up, aiding her in pulling both his pants and boxers down.

His cock springs up and Y/n can feel her mouth salivating, her lips parting slightly as she examines the phallus.

She grabs the base and inches forward, holding eye contact as she spits on his tip. He whimpers at the feeling on his tip, the whimper turning into a soft moan as she begins to pump.

His moans are like music to her ears, egging her on. They differ from Colby, more soft and a bit shy. Colby's is deep and more dominant. She figures it's because he's not in his element of control in the bedroom, not used to having a girl calling the shot and handling him how she sees fit.

She loves it.

He flinches feeling both sides of her tongue running up his shaft. She wraps her plump lips around his swollen tip, swirling her tongue around it. Suddenly her head is pushed down and held in place, shocking both her and Chris.

Chris groans and clenches his eyes shut feeling her throat clench around him.

"What did I say about teasing? Suck his dick the right way or I'm not fucking you tonight."

The threat of not being fucked into the mattress after not seeing Colby for a month gets to her.

She doesn't hold back, immediately bobbing her head and slobbering all over him.

Chris can feel his soul leaving his body, his toes curling as her split tongue adds even more pleasure. It felt better than he could imagine.

"Shit!" He doesn't know if he wants to push her away or let her continue the assault on his dick. As she begins to fondle his balls, he bucks his hips forward, his dick hitting the back of her throat. He panics thinking he hurt her but stops realising,

She didn't gag.

She didn't gag when Colby pushed her head down either.

She doesn't have a gag reflex.

"You can be rough with her Chris, don't be scared. She likes being used, isn't that right?"

Chris sucks in a sharp breath and bites his lip as the girl moans around him, confirming Colby's words. She pulls away from him, a wide and deranged smile on her face.

"Fuck my mouth Chris, I know you want to." She kitten licks his tip, pushing him to break.

And he does just that.

His hand finds its way to the back of her head, gripping the pink hair and pushing her head back down.

He begins to fuck her mouth, not hard enough to hurt her (his actions still unsure to him), but hard enough to make spit pool out of her mouth.

The drool mixed with precum falls out the side of her mouth, some getting on the bed, some falling on her chest, and the rest trickling down his shaft.

His grunts and moans along with the lewd slurping noises bounce off the walls of the room as his thrusts become more erratic, chasing his orgasm.

She can tell he's close, feeling his dick twitching in her mouth, the way his stomach caves in with the harsher he breathes.

She pushes his hands away and lifts her head, "cum in my mouth pretty boy, you know you want to."

She swirls her tongue around his tip, maintaining eye contact the whole time.

"Ah sh-" Chris cuts himself off with a loud groan and shoves her head all the way down. She feels the cum hit the back of her throat, sliding down with ease.

She pulls off of him with a pop and licks her lips, watching Chris breathe heavily.

She pulls him down and begins to make out with him, standing up slowly and crawling on top of him.

She's hungry for him now, wanting to experience his girth inside of her. Before she could even begin to remove her fishnets, Colby stops them, "Not so quick pretty girl." She stops and looks at Colby, still grinding down on Chris. She watches as he approaches them.

"You think you get to fuck two people tonight?" She giggles, moving off of Chris and closer to Colby, "Greedy girl. He can't even handle you and you want to play with him." He snatches her by her neck and leans closer before planting his lips against hers.

chris watches as the two make out next to him, his body buzzing with adrenaline. "You wanna give Chris a show? Hm? You want to show him how to handle you for next time?" Y/n nods eagerly, not even paying attention to what Colby is saying, just wanting to be fucked dumb.

"Sit on the chair Chris, you're going to learn how to fuck her just how she likes it."

can yall tell where i lowkey gave up? 😭 lmao sorry.

TAGLIST 🍑

@bernardsgf @bernardsleftbootycheek @blahbel668 @mattfrfr @gdsvhtwa @sturniolo-aali @lily-loves-struniolos @kynda-avery @causeidontlikeagoldrush

@st7rnioioss @carolinalikesthings @mattslolita @suyqa @xxloveralways14 @pepsiimaxx @judespoision

@ivonchetooo1239 @imaslut4kehlani @that-general-simp @m4stermindd @itzdarling @gigisworldsstuff @adoreindie @braindead4l @pettydollie @chrissgirlsstuff @alexis007 @ratatioulle @yamamasjumpercables @luv4kozume @sturnioloslurps @kqyslyho3 @j3tblackt3ars @ilovestarz @lustfulslxt @soimightlikeoldmen69 @tastesousweet @slut4sebastiansallow @whicked-hazlatwhore @stasiesturn @loljackwasfat @nicksmainbitch @ninacutebee16 @mayhem-72 @sturniolosmind @breeloveschris @mattslolita @mattsivy @guccifrog @hysteria-things @mrssturnioloo @koris_009 @patscorner @mayhem-72 @worldlxvlys @nickuniversity @luverboychris @thenickgirl @riasturns @imwetforyourmom @junnniiieee07 @realuvrrr @milasturniolo @fwskullz @hearts4tatemcrae @mattandchrismakemewett @chrissystur @canthelpit0 @strnilo @demistyles @junovrsmp4 @heartsforchrisandmatt @maryx2xx @vecnasnose0 @freshsturns @xxsturnxx @pettydollie @crimsoncorpse @sturnssmuts @sturniolovoid @m0r94n

[praphit]

Come Sunday, I'll still be sexy as hell.

In my last post, I talked of wanting to get back into the movie game. I wanted to come back strong with that Quiet Place movie. A movie about apocalyptic monsters who tear people to shreds when they make noise - right up my alley. Unfortunately, life has been a lil cray for me lately, and so I didn't get to see it soon enough. I did see the movie eventually (pretty good btw), but... it's like showing up to a party late, and eating the sloppy seconds of pizza. It has finger indentations on it, hair in it, and toppings have been picked off, but even though it's still good (somehow), it's weird to point that out now, you know?? It's gotta be fresh, baby!

We were on the road this past weekend, and I had some time to kill, so I decided to roll the dice on the Flix! In light of my previous post, I decided option #1 would be "Come Sunday", and stumble across a decent church movie.

OR... option #2 - NIC CAGE!

YES! I love this man like I love deep fried Oreos. When you think about it, it's ridiculous and bad for you. But, if you're in the right mood, and in a moment of weakness, they're frickin magical.

　

Coin flip time, and hence the title of this post, you know Jesus got all up in my coin flip action.

"COME SUNDAY" a simple (based on truth) story of a stereotypical megachurch preacher, who also happens to be a stereotypical black church preacher. At some point he says something crazy at the pulpit, he gets the boot, and has figure out how to keep on keeping on.

But, the real story is in the details:

First detail, this movie stars Chiwetel Ejiofor, as our preacher man (Carlton Pearson). My man CE is sexy as hell in this movie.

I mean he's a good lookin man anyway, but it's like they took time and money (plenty of "Soul Glo" and gold jewelry) into taking him from a 10 to a 15. Now maybe I was influenced by one of the people watching it with me, who kept praising God for CE's sexiness. But, the first scene of this movie confirms it.

He starts talking to some woman on a plane. The way he's looking at her, and she's looking back at him... I'm tryna tell y'all. He is getting her to open up. She mentions something about wanting a baby (keep in mind he just met this woman). Now, the scene ends, and nothing happens, but we all know what went down. The way they were looking at each other, I wouldn't have been surprised if she demanded that they go into the bathroom together and join that club.

Point stands, he's too sexy to be a minister. No way scandal is not happening.

Plus, it's easier for sexy ministers to preach heresy. For example, I love Janelle Monae. If she started a church, and started preaching out of "The Gospel of St Nick", I'd be like, "hmmm... I don't recall that book of the bible, but

(drool)... whatever you say, Pastor Monae."

Speaking of said heresy, it happens when he gets overly emotional while watching some horribleness in Africa vid, and listening to his favorite Christian Album (Snoop Dogg's Gospel Album)

 That's a thing now. No, seriously.

Anyway, you've got to be careful when you're listening to your fave emotional-stirring songs. I listen to N.W.A.'s "Bleep the Police", and I'm like "You know what... yeah! BLEEP THE POLICE!" - if a cop were to be around at that time, I'd get into trouble.

Same thing here, he gets carried away, believes God is speaking to him through this manner, and then COME SUNDAY - he acts a fool, and starts preaching the gospel of inclusion (look it up kids).

Now, regardless of what you or I believe, he should have known this wasn't going to end well for him. Back to my N.W.A parallel. I could get a "revelation" to cover my ride in "BLEEP THE POLICE" stickers, and drive everywhere giving to popo the finger, but at that point it doesn't matter what I believe, it only matters what's going to happen next.

Didn't the Pope say something similar to inclusion recently? But, the people around him kinda left wiggle room. When's he getting his Netflix special? I really hope Nic Cage plays him.

　

More so than the heresy element was the racial element that fascinated me. Like most organizations, the old, rich, white men ruled over our sexy minister, and when he started getting "out of control", they had to step in. Not, only the old, rich, white men, but also the church stepping in. Things get muddy here, because on one hand organizations like churches need rules and structure and discipline, but on the other hand, giving so much power to fallible people... well... y'all know. Of course the old, rich, white people had to have what's known as a "cooler" to help Rev. Dr. Minister Sexy navigate through the muddy waters (Jason Segel, who's really good in this), but even he couldn't take any more.

Another detail of story was the pastor's wife, and her resentment of her husband for being more in love with the church than her, and kinda being disillusioned about being a pastor's wife. And at the same time trying to support him through all of this craziness.

Another detail - a gay music minster. So, you can imagine some of the issues that arose.

This movie is fully loaded!

I only wish that the movie was as fascinating as its talking points.

It's longer than it should be. With 35 mins left, I was ready for it to be over. And I only lasted that long, because I can relate to church culture. And on that note, it was too churchy. Every scene was either in church or a family at a table eating (btw - make sure you've got stuff to eat while watching this movie; it WILL make you hungry - I ain't talkin popcorn and Skittles. I'm talkin fried chicken and yams). I can't believe I'm saying this, but this movie needed Tyler Perry. It needs flair!It needs some side-non-churchy drama! It needs Madea!

The movie also could have used some slaps. If you know me, you know I love my slap scenes. So many missed opps here. The backstabbing, fickle, praying-demons-out-of-everything congregation needed slaps. Pretty much all of the white people in this film needed some slaps. And even Bishop Minister Sexy had a scene where it would have been perfect for him to have been slapped (when he gets kicked out of the church... there is an old man who gets all in the Rev's face; perfect moment for slappage - could have slapped all of that product out of his hair). But... sadly, no. I need to direct!

Michael Bay has his explosions. M. Night has his twist. I want to be known for my slaps!

I also would have played up the struggles of Reverend Sexy's sexiness for sure. Have a scene where he fails the sexy test (meaning he's too sexy for the job). They try things to unsexify him, but nothing works. There's actually a scene in this movie where they dressed my man up like Bill Cosby (pudding pop and all), and still... sexy as hell. All Tyler Perry movies have a cheating no good man somewhere in the storyline - this could have had that too. Minster Evangelist Sexiness has his Tiger Woods moment... possibly having his wife chase him down the street swinging a big thick bible at him. BUT, with some slaps and inspo from Madea, a good soundtrack (thanks Snoop), and the power of God, he's redeemed. But, none of this happens. Sooooo Grade: C

Still without a solid church flick in my memory banks, but that's ok cuz you know what's coming out soon?

Blaow!

We're gonna get away from all of this church and deep talking points soon, and get back to superheroes and aliens beating the holy snot out of each other. As it should be.

Amen.