#new fun game where i find the most ungodly amount of tags GO

[asterekmess]

(I was gonna save this for tomorrow, but FUCK IT) Eyyy, still being salty over here. Pls block the tag ‘rant’ if you don’t wanna see anymore of these. Or maybe ‘anti-scott mccall’ though, tbh, I’m not sure how much fun it would be to follow me if you aren’t anti-scott mccall. I’m pretty vocal abt disliking him.

ANYWAY.

I wanna talk about the concept of Derek being a ‘creeper’ because of all his wandering around the lacrosse field, at lydia’s party, etc. And by talk about, I mean ramble about incoherently. By which I mean, please know that I’m not trying to insult or fight anybody who makes this joke or uses this concept in fic or whatever. I’m just ranting bc I love this boy and his trauma makes me sad.

ANYWAY. (This is insanely long, so I’m adding a “Read More”)

I just have a lot of feelings about people seeing Derek as a stalker/creeper because he keeps showing up at lacrosse practice and in Scott & Stiles’ rooms, etc. It gets mentioned in loads of fics (I see a lot of “Creeperwolf” which I think is supposed to be an endearment?) (And there’s lots of fics that talk about how ‘you used to be/are really creepy, following us around’ Again, not judging) (Dude it’s even a whole tag on AO3 ‘Creeper Derek Hale’) and it’s joked about a lot in fandom (the vine with the ‘every step you take’ song and the swans on the building comes to mind). I see it a lot, and dude, it hurts me.

Let’s look at Derek’s current mental state and what he’s been dealing with, going all the way back to Paige. (Or, tbh, his birth) Derek is a werewolf. He was born a werewolf, to a family of werewolves. He grew up within the supernatural world, in a whole different culture to humans (honestly, my fury at the lack of werewolf culture/history/worldbuilding is worthy of its own post. Let me know if by some ungodly chance, you actually wanna hear my thoughts on it.) and presumably the number one rule in all of werewolfdom is “Keep the Secret.” Now, Derek’s fuckin’ 14/15 (I put his birthday on Christmas, like most of fandom, and if his house burned down when he was 16, in the spring, and he was dating Kate for a while before, he would’ve dated her when he was 15, and we don’t know how long there was between paige and kate, but let’s give him a summer of mourning. So. 14ish with paige) and he starts dating this human. He’s kinda shit at keeping the secret, implying that either he’s only dated werewolves before, or she’s his first girlfriend ever (also implying that maybe some of the people on his basketball team are werewolves, bc they don’t seem to notice his weird way of talking [pack members maybe? fuck, my heart]) and he’s maybe not as careful as he should be. (More implications arise, and we begin to build our own history. If Derek was never taught not to say dumb shit like ‘i caught a scent’ then was he even in public school before freshman year? Were the Hales all homeschooled before high school to help keep the secret? How soon do wolfy abilites arise? Do they hit with puberty? Fuck, I digress.) He says some dumb shit, and Paige gets suspicious. Of course, he doesn’t know that, and he has some kind of meltdown about her eventually finding out his secret. We hear from Peter (who’s villainized, so we’re not supposed to necessarily believe what he says, but what we see in the flashback doesn’t make a huge amount of sense either so *shrug*) that he enlists Ennis to bite Paige, believing that if she is bitten she won’t spill the secret and she’ll be more inclined to accept that Derek is a werewolf. Now, she fucking dies. Paige dies in Derek’s arms because of this, and he finds out at the last second that she already knew the secret. He feels guilty enough abt getting her killed but now he’s got a whole new batch of guilt from finding out that apparently he’s so bad at keeping the secret of his ENTIRE SPECIES that she found out he was a werewolf. She could’ve exposed them all at any time. He had to be terrified. Next, he’s 15/16 and he meets a gorgeous older woman who presumably showers him in affection, and all the horrors that go with that whole situation (I don’t wanna go into detail, because obviously). But again, whether Derek tells her himself or she just knew or she finds out, whatever it is, Kate knows Derek and his family are werewolves. AND SHE KILLS THEM ALL. Derek has no clue what the fuck is going on. All he knows is he is the only link between Kate and his family, which must mean that it’s his fault she knows about them. Once again, he’s revealed the Big Secret and people Died. He and Laura bolt to NY for six years, where presumably they live in hiding thinking the Argents are coming after them to finish off the Hales. Then Laura gets sent a funky letter and goes back to Beacon Hills. Now, we have a lil more confusion (i’ve got a whole buttload of issues with the timeline, but let’s not get into that now) because he says he came looking for Laura, but later he mentions that he knew she was in Beacon Hills and was searching for...whoever burnt down their house...that whole plotline confuses the shit out of me (derek knew kate did it. he blamed All the argents, but he knew kate was involved. So why was Laura looking for the pendant. and if he didn’t tell her then why was he looking for the pendant?? And what did the pendant have to do with the deer and the spiral?? Halp.) but whatever. He shows up and finds his sister dead, the hunters arrive in town the next day, and suddenly there’s an angry alpha Attacking Humans.

We’re finally in the present. Derek has lost what little family he had left, except for a catatonic uncle. He already has two instances in his past where the worry of keeping werewolves a secret has caused deaths. And now there’s this teenager. No, actually, two teenagers. One who was bitten, and one who shouts out “You’re a werewolf!” in the middle of the preserve, instantly figuring out a centuries-old supernatural secret. Derek is fucking terrified, and things are only getting worse. This kid who got bitten? Derek follows him to see if he’s really a wolf, to find out if he knows what’s happening to him, if he believes the other teen. He finds the kid JUMPING OVER PEOPLE’S HEADS in broad daylight in front of everyone. Derek might’ve had a couple verbal giveaways but this is just ridiculous. Then, even better, the kid goes on a date on the FULL MOON with THE YOUNGEST ARGENT. There’s about a billion reasons to follow Scott to the party. It’s a FULL MOON, for one. HE’S WITH AN ARGENT for another. And of course he can’t just walk into the party. He’s fucking 22 for fuck’s sake. This is a high school party. He’d get arrested. And of course he doesn’t introduce himself to Scott beforehand. He has no way of knowing if this kid is on the Alpha’s side. He’s the Alpha’s Beta, it would make perfect sense for him to be obeying the Alpha. OR since he’s with the Argent, maybe he’s working with them. Maybe he’s a plant of some kind. a hunter pet. Laura was used as bait to catch Derek, why not Scott too? But he sees quickly that Allison has no clue what’s going on, at least with Scott, and he takes her home and steals her jacket to lure Scott into the Preserve where he can’t hurt anyone. Then, when he sees Scott get chased by the hunters, with no Alpha coming running to protect him, he decides “Alright, guess this kid’s my ally. Gotta protect him.” Yeah. He says some weird shit. But the evidence points to Derek not knowing much about bitten wolves. He tells Scott that he doesn’t know how to train a bitten wolf, but he does know how to help Scott recover memories (the memory loss appears to only happen in the early days of shifting, which lends more credibility to the possibility that born wolves don’t start shifting properly until later in life [puberty being the most likely milestone] and he therefore has experience with that, but not with the kind of control Scott needs, that he’s known his whole life). Born a werewolf, he’s never considered the bite anything other than a gift. He also just lost his entire family, so sue him for trying to find some kind of connection between them. (It honestly makes total sense for him to use the term ‘brothers’ bc he KNOWs Scott won’t understand the concept of ‘pack’ yet) So, now that’s decided to help Scott, to protect him, he goes back to the school. SURELY now that Scott knows what he is and how dangerous he is when stressed, he’ll reign himself in during lacrosse, or even just back out of it altogether. There are lives at stake here, be them human, or if Scott exposes the secret, werewolves. SURELY this kid wouldn’t put everyone in danger over a fucking game. But no. Not only does he keep flaunting his abilities, but he SHIFTS ON THE FIELD. If Stiles hadn’t Dragged Scott out of there, the entire supernatural world would be EXPOSED by this ONE KID. Derek passed Terrified about a hundred miles back. He’s gotta be fucking out of his mind with fear. I don’t blame him even a little for threatening Scott. If Scott’s not gonna do the right thing on his own, then threatening him is worth it if people don’t DIE. Then, bc Scott’s a pissy baby and goes to shout at him and be a fuckwad, and Stiles is nosey and neither of them have boundaries (I love Stiles, but fucking seriously, digging up a grave?) Derek gets ARRESTED. He pleads with this lanky teen who is brave enough to climb into the cruiser with a WEREWOLF. Who’s FRiends with a Werewolf. Who figured it out so quickly. He pleads with him to understand how dangerous this is, to stop his friend. And Stiles looks like he’s gonna, but Scott bolts bc of the wolfsbane (Which...listen if I’m being really salty, a deep bitter part of me genuinely wonders if he was that freaked out, or if he overheard Derek beg Stiles not to let Scott play, and Scott ran away from Stiles so he wouldn’t get told no, bc he wanted to play.) and by the time Stiles finds him he’s already dressed for the game. And DEREK WAS RIGHT. Scott DID lose control. He DID shift on the field. At LEAST one human saw him shift, and the coach for the other team knew something was up too. He DID expose them, and he did it further bc Jackson is suspicious now. Now, I’ve reblogged a gifset of it before, the moment when Derek shows up at the lacrosse field and finds Jackson standing in it after Scott’s run off, staring at a glove with a claw hole in it. He is watching his worst nightmare come true. Scott has exposed them and Jackson is going to figure out werewolves, just like Stiles did. He knows right that instant that people are going to die. I’ll reiterate what I said in the tags on that gifset. It’s extremely likely that Derek bit Jackson out of self-preservation. Jackson had been threatening to tell the hunters and the entire world if he didn’t get what he wanted. The safest thing to do was give Jackson the bite so that at least he would be putting himself in danger too if he exposed werewolves. He forced Jackson to have to keep the secret for himself because he knew Jackson wouldn’t do it for anyone else. (And he knew Jackson had some self-preservation, compared to Scott, and wouldn’t want to expose himself.)

Listen, I just. I just get so sad watching Derek sneaking into people’s rooms and standing on the edge of the field and showing up in the locker rooms. He’s trying to help. He’s trying to protect. He wants to be there in case Scott does something stupid (which he does, again and Again) to protect him, even after Scott REFUSED to help him stop a SERIAL KILLER because there wasn’t anything in it for him. Even after Scott fucking blackmails him by leaving him hanging on a grate with wires plugged into his side and his abuser on their way back to hurt him, he still helps him protect Allison (who watched him be tortured and did nothing. [He still has the capacity to acknowledge that it’s not her fault. That she couldn’t save him. He doesn’t blame her for it and he certainly doesn’t want her to die.]) He wants to keep his Betas safe. He stands in the parking lot waiting for them to test Lydia because he doesn’t want them to have to go through with killing her alone (and he only tries to kill her because she DOESN’T pass the test [although I admit it’s a dumb test] and because the kanima is KILLING people. More people have died and I don’t know how the fuck Derek manages to keep standing, let alone having such capacity for empathy and optimism and sarcasm after everything he’s dealt with. He’s constantly being hunted by hunters or humans, or fuck even Scott himself, since every time Scott gets upset he blames Derek for everything (I’m still fucking disgusted that he turned up at Derek’s place and accused him of murdering his own sister.) And STILL he shows up. No matter how many times he’s shoved away and ignored and yelled at. He shows up and he stands on the fringes and he waits for the chance to help.

And what’s creepy about that?

[mytwitterisdogtoast1]

Pokken is probably the biggest Pokemon let down in the history of Pokemon let downs.

I'm a passionate guy. I love and hate things pretty hard for many reasons and those reasons usually run deep even if they are only a few words. However, sometimes I'll have a passion so deep that it is specifically against the common consensus and will be viewed as "flawed" or "wrong" or "stupid" or "something I should get over". The point is this is one of those things that every time I explain it to my friends who like Pokken that they get defensive and tell me I'm wrong. Thankfully most of the times opinions can't really be wrong now can they? Firstly I would like to express I am not a game designer in any way and my opinions are just that. My opinion and if you don't like it that is fair. We can all live in the same space and not have to come to blows over these things. So why is Pokken the biggest let down at least for me in the world of Pokemon games? That's because Pokken is not what I expected and what it could have been. When I say it could have been better and possibly better than almost every single fighting game known to man as well better than even Smash than you can only assume my expectations were so high on this game that you could say it is my fault for putting them on the highest level and then being sad when the game doesn't even come to half of what I wanted. Let me take you back to the first time I saw a Pokemon fighting game. For many of you, you already know or have seen the game but maybe don't know the name. That game is Pokemon: Type Wild. Type Wild is basically like every single other fighting game in that you get a roster (9) of different fighters who all fight in their own style. Simple enough to get where anyone can pick it up but few could master. It is a simple game that strikes desire into the heart of fighting game lovers. Which I happen to love fighting games. I may not play the greatest amount of them but I am ungodly at Bloody Roar 3 to a point where picking up a controller is like riding a bike. Short side story. My first time drinking I played a drinking game with friends where if you win you take a shot of hard liquor. We had 4 different types of hard liquor such as Sake, Vodka, Whiskey, and something else I can't remember. Eventually I had won so many games that not only was I shit face to the point of barely able to sit up straight, but I drank so much alcohol that by the time I was half way through the roster people quit because I was still winning and they haven't even felt a buzz yet. We ran out of liquor that day. Point is I love fighting games so I for years hoped that we would get a solid fighting game either like a 2d styles Street Fighter or a 2.5d style in the styles of Tekken or Bloody Roar. Instead we got Pokken. So I'm sure you would ask "what is wrong with the game. I like it." and that is just fine. You can like whatever you want and we can again have different opinions. Hell even if you like a thing people think is bad or a guilty pleasure that's also fine. I love infomercials and they are stupid as hell. You are allowed to like bad things. Let's be honest though. Pokken even if a good game does have flaws. It's not perfect by far and in those flaws I find that I don't for its own merits actually like the game. This again does not make it bad. Here are the things I find bad with the game in no particular order. Fights are too short I hate the switch style of fighting and it tends to make certain characters like machamp unrealistic in that he now needs a ranged attack like everyone else thus he becomes like everyone else. This is bad because you have no choice when it'll switch styles as it sometimes happens randomly (or so I assume, it has been a hot minute since I played but I'm pretty positive it happened without me "triggering anything) It's all style and no real substance. It looks pretty but it is kind of just a flash in the pan when you've seen all the moves over and over and over again. As stated before, all the characters are pretty much the same. What I mean by that is all have a long ranged move and basically feel the same. Yes there is some rock

paper scissors but when machamp needs a long ranged move and you just make it punches then it feels more tacked on and the characters don't really shine much. The roster looks alright at best but since there are 2 mewtwos and 2 pikachus it just feels lack luster. Also the dog and the chandelier don't seem to fit. The little support Pokemon don't seem like they add that much. Lastly and the most important part is that the game seems to lack real actual depth like Pokemon games do. That's the real problem for me. You have the biggest franchise in the world and finally make the biggest spin off for it and you make it lack substance? You might be thinking "well what would you do to make the game better?" and I'm glad you hypothetically asked in this scenario I just made up and forced upon you. There are 2 ways to make a good Pokemon fighting game. One is a rip off and the other is my own creation so to speak. The first is simple. Just make another smash. Make the Kanto region its own smash areas with instead of pokeballs and items and so on (you could cut down on all the extra stuff) and focus on making a pokemon with its own move sets. You could give them each their own moves and just make them fight like they would in smash. Is it a unique game? No, but the roster would be gigantic and it would look dope having a person fight as magikarp against a giant group of people. Also think of the amount of Amiibos they could make. The game wouldn't end there. It would get DLC for each region with new pokemon every time. The problem with this is the roster would be 1000 large and counting. So making this, as fun as it would be, seems unrealistic. So let's instead go with my idea. My idea is more or less the same as the actual game but with fighting in it. What that means is you would take every main important mechanic and throw it into this game. Then you would take the game and make it into a fighting game with those mechanics. Let's start small. First we need a story to get the game rolling right? Let's make it simple. It is a fighting tournament where fighting types can come together and fight in the arena. You know, like the episode of where Ash had primeape fight a bunch of dudes. Instead of in general fighting in a ring, they would have a stage where fights would be held. The story is this is where whoever shows up wants to be the best. Let's say each character is going to also be it's own "person" with it's own personality. That way we can have entry comments when they start the fight because they are talking to each other. You can make rivalries happen, you can also in general say these are the best fighters of their kinds. You have options to make this into a grander stage than the original did by making this the first ever tournament of its kind. That's the setting but we need a roster to fill the game out. So the game could start small in that it generally would have a roster specifically of only fighting types. This means that at most we would if only using final evolutions have without different forms, and megas about 32 different characters. Suddenly we now have a larger roster compared to the actual one we got. sure it is only fighting types but if we only have fighting types no one can complain about not getting their favorite. However, I'm not gonna lie, the roster looks like it lacks main villains and leaving out legends kind of ruins the whole every fighting type and lastly, with what happened to dexit I'm sure people would be mad if they can't use megas as well. So let's instead change that roster to have EVERY single fighting type in the game. (only last evolutions though. Don't need no babies and first forms in here) Now we have a total of 52. Let's also say for fairness sakes that some characters have non fighting forms. Let's add those in if they are before a mega evolution changes them. That's 3 more for a total of 55 in the roster. Now let's also have to force a couple more in there for "reasons" such as it is Pikachu who has to be in every single game. So now it is 56 total and since in general

arceus can every type the roster would be a total of 57 characters at the end of the entire thing. That puts the current roster to shame. Sure we miss out on fan favorites but in the end 57 unique characters? That is one hell of a difference. Yeah they are all fighting types but still. It is 100% better than what we currently have. Also this can be done. There are fighting games with over 60 characters and I'm not talking about a roster of "forms" like in dragonball z games where you can change your move set that is basically the same as other peoples. I'm talking about games such as smash with 58, tekken tag tournament 2 with 59, mortal kombat armageddion with 62, def jam fight for ny with 72, naruto ultimate ninja storm with 119. Suddenly you're up there with the big boys. (at least numbers wise) Some people might say that the game would probably have bad graphics and to that I say it has a simply solution. Make the game 2d. Many people would probably say that the best thing about Pokken is that it looks "tight as fuck" or something in that regard but we all know that 3d doesn't make everything better. Old school Street fighter games look pretty good with smooth animations and also fantastic backgrounds and a lot like anime compared to now which just doesn't look the same. Good in its own ways but different. You can have more things in a game with less "graphics" while looking super great while doing so. It wouldn't lessen the game and would make future versions of the game able to add more into the game as well. It would also add for many more things to be added as well. Which is really good since in general the game is supposed to be deep and not taking the game to look amazing means you can add more into it and allow for more cool things. Let's not get into the nitty gritty just yet because there are a few things I'd like to add. Let's take a step back to the roster. Let's say that they started off with just the first gen leading us to have a total of 9 different characters on the roster. That's not bad. This leaves us open to a ton of DLC and also alternate "costumes" to make our characters look better and more in line with who they want to be. The rosters itself would also have 9 unique characters with different strengths and weaknesses compared to a generic roster who is small but also kind of the same. You could also allow for a stage for every single type to shine through aesthetically. Sure we got some nice looking stages but imagine if we had one based on each type. A normal stage on a beach where it is sandy and has a nice tropical sunny feel to it. The only thing that would make that better is if the beach had some interaction to it. What matters in the game is the style of play. Pokken allows for arena battles as well as side to side battles. Both are fine but would make you have to specifically have one main style of art and dimensions. I think that side to side is better in 2d while arena I believe can only be in 3d. This to me means that we would have a side to side fighter but if for example we did get a 3d arena match then we would get hazards on the field. There was a play at doing so in the actual game where there would be spots where vines and other explosions pop up from the ground but imagine an actual 3d arena where you can get thrown into trees, or walk on hot lava spots or something akin to that. Imagine all the actual things you can do with moves such as spikes, or actual entry hazards. The game would take on more depth and allow for cooler fights. Even then having things in 2d isn't that bad. Having the ability to actually fight in a beautiful place with the character you want there allows for better visuals. The real shame is we could have gotten a battle area for every single type of Pokemon as well as a call back to the ???? typing where it would randomly choose a place to fight. This is all visual things that would make the game pretty but the real depth of it comes from how the game is constructed. That is by it being like actual normal main stream games. So what does it mean to

be a main stream game? Let's quantify to some degree what Pokemon is. It's a jrpg with the largest party roster ever. It's a simple one on one battle style but in essence you got the fighter, the ninja, the mage, and probably a few other things. They just sometimes look like eggs or a dinosaur. Either way roster is huge. The second thing is the simplicity of type matchess and even added abilities. Stats are also a part of the game while equipment and moves that you can customize out of a set list are also there. Personalities and breeding make their way into the game. There are so many things that you can do with normal Pokemon that just allows for the most unique playthrough of the game in any way you want and matches against real people have strategies and styles you might not find everywhere else. That is unless you're not playing random children and are playing adults who use the same stuff over and over except that one guy who used pachirisu but that guy is a maverick. So how would all this work? Simple. Just do the stuff they already do. Let's look at Pokken itself real quick. You have the attack and defense stats that in general make you deal or take less damage. You have your ultimate gauge and your support gauge. Pretty lack luster stuff seeing as we get more in the regular stats of Pokemon compared to it. We have special and regular attack. Special and regular defense. Speed and Lastly HP. That's where Pokken ends in customization. Lackluster in comparison as well when you look at all the stuff you can do in regular Pokemon to build a bond with it. So how do we build into the ultimate experience that we never got but wanted? Easily. Again just do like the game. Pokemon has a couple things that it does for you to customize your single little buddy to take on anyone. Let's look at those things. You have levels, types, items, breeding, evs/ivs, abilities, unique movesets, specific stats. That doesn't seem like much but having 8 different things to do with their own large amount of things is huge. To start with lets go with levels. Levels will be exactly that. They will increase the more you use a specific Pokemon. Not to say that the character would change and then have you start at a lower level, but in general you have the 100 levels and the stats on the character would grow to be that of what you finally get. You would also in PVP be matched up to an enemy of an equal level since you would have played that character and at least that long for that level to exist on the character you are using. This means that stats would also come into play. Stats would act like they normally do however moves would dictate that thing. Normal attacks would work with attack strength while special moves that you add onto your character would use the special stat. Not moves that are special attacks but any and every move. So extreme speed and thunderbolt would both use the special stat while a normal punch or kick would be your attack. This would make moves matter and make you want to make the move set how you would like it. Moves and customized move sets would be next on the list. This would allow for you to actually help your character and yeah this would mean that some characters are more optimal in some ways. If you wanted a move based machamp over an attacker than you have the choice and sure, some characters would be horrible with special attack but in the end all moves are special and would allow certain characters who are long range attackers such as Sirfetch'd who has a sword have to get closer to a machamp who uses focus blast to hit. This would allow for actual move customization too so that things such as toxicroak who uses poison moves to really shine since if we are making the moves than we would in general also wanna add the typings into the game as well. Types would allow for certain Pokemon to shine through more. Yes ghost fighting types would be busted, but thankfully there is only one and that would mean that you would want some anti ghost stuff on your character or it would make for you to have to actually

do normal attacks with a special attacker as they are even if named normal attacks not normal type. As in regular punches and kicks. Things like typing would also come into effect because that means the moves would be of the type and you can get added bonuses such as poisoning people and flinching and so on. Which means that abilities would be handy to fight certain people. If you play toxicroak then you are going to poison people with poison point. Which would go back to typing as an important thing since lucario is part steel. You could slow the opponent with electric moves. You could flinch enemies and so on. You have so many abilities to disrupt the enemy. This will make people go and make a huge deal on trying to perfect their roster of dudes they like to not only get skilled at them but also in general make them better. This is good because items and breeding are going to be a thing in the game. If ev's and iv's are in the game with breeding then that means you can actively max out a pokemon in ways you like. You can get points by winning fights and throw them onto a pokemon and just have like levels unlocked points for that pokemon. That way when you get good stuff for the process of breeding a new version of the character you get it in a way that actually benefits you when you choose a new nature and instead of having to grind even more each time you can just in general work hard while reasonably doing so. How would you get these items? That's simple. Either through constant grind which you are already doing or through mini games. Like the ones they had back in Pokemon stadium. People have wanted those again for such a long time. Even if they are small ones where it is training based it would be something fun to do to set off the monotony of grinding a better character all the time. So since everything is unique in that way how would the roster themselves work? It's big and it seems like we wouldn't be able to make them all 100% unique and as true as that is there is one thing to set them apart like you would in a normal fighting game compared to what it seems Pokken does. EVERY POKEMON HAS A UNIQUE FIGHTING STYLE BECAUSE THEY ARE FIGHTING TYPES. If we looked at the roster some of them are going to be in general a little strange but take it from the guy who is passionate about this idea that I can in some ways write down a style for each of them and that's just what I'm gonna do. Pikachu - Let's get the first and most obvious one out of the way and the most blatant problem in the only fighting type roster. Let's just say Pikachu libre was raised by some fighting types. Hawlucha to be exact and it got let in as an honorary member. It would be a fast attacker and have some good jump attacks. Primeape - A berserker style fighter who attacks very well but lacks real use of the special moves. It can still do them, but it may be open to failing. Like the trip mechanic in Smash cause fuck you it's funny. Poliwrath - A heavy hitter who does big attacks. Poliwrath doesn't have a style so much is just a big beefy dude. Would probably make him a little better at doing specials because of his lack of finesse and real inability to kick well. Machamp - Based on body builders and "able to know every fighting style" kinda makes machamp a little bit of an "eh" choice. Instead of making him fully aggressive and E Honda someone with 1000 punches we could also make him have special button inputs to pose and get power ups. This would make him actually stronger on specials if you wanted to do a special attacker or something else of the like. Hitmonlee - A kick boxer style where he would hardly use his hands. He would still be able to do special moves like the punches but in general this would mostly mean he would just kick normally and have extra blocks with his arms. Hitmonchan - If they can make steve fox do dodges with his feet then they can make hitmonchan the exact same way. Galarian Zapdos - Look, it's stupid that it is a fighting type but it is what it is. So let's just roll with it and say he does a lot of kicks.

Like can't really punch but would use his beak for pecks. They wouldn't be flying attacks but in general would allow for a little long range. Mewtwo - Our first non fighting type (not pikachu) to hit the scene and a real boss. See as much as Zapdos is a boss, Mewtwo would also in general be like the larger boss at the end. A real contender for difficult since his stats would push him a little over. The real threat is when you look at his mega form which would not require an item on the boss in the game and would allow him to not be stopped from this form. He also has a different move set meaning he is just in general a different fighter as well. You could also have it to where they don't even need the players to need to mega evolve and they just choose him. Heracross - This would be a little tricky as beetles generally just fling their enemy. He would probably have moves that did that while also being able to grapple well. His mega form would allow him to hit better like he normally does with multi hit moves and would probably have a better grab based move set. Hitmontop - Being short is its own special thing since he would be harder to hit with high attacks but he also has capoera style. Blaziken - Blaziken seems like it would be another strong boss in that it literally gets faster as the battle goes on and his mega does the same thing. It also has muay thai style fighting. Breloom - It's literally a kangaroo. It punches, it kickes really hard with its tail as support. It's a kangaroo. Hariyama - Besides Ehonda strikes it is also a sumo wrestler. So throws would be a thing it can do. Medicham - One of the more difficult to place styles. Its mega form would allow for also easy punch combos but I think this would be one of the more wonky styles of fighting. Each fighting game has a yoshimitsu style of fighter and I'm sure this would be it. Infernape - Monkey style kung fu. Loppuny - Loppuny is strange in that it is not a fighter. So it should have a generic not that strong looking style of fighting but when it mega evolves it learns Tai Bo and generic defense class style. Lucario - Also strange to place but could have something like Tai Chi or something of the like. Toxicroak - A dirty fighter and probably like that of a yakuza. Gallade - Would be really good at counters and uses a gentlemans style of fighting. Arceus - I don't know man, it's a horse. The people making the game would figure it out. Just steal the horse style from the JOJO fighting game or something. Emboar - Based on chinese symbols and also wrestling. This could be a grappler as well with a greco roman style and theme. Conkeldurr - This would have range over most of the others as well as strength, it would be slow moving but could swing fast. It also uses centripital force. Throh - It knows judo and would be good at grapples and blocks. Sawk - It knows karate and would be really good at strikes and counters. Scrafty - Would use headbutts and kicks. Nothing other than what it says since inner city youth generally don't have a fighting style. Mienshao - Shaolin style kung fu. Cobalion, Terrakion, Virizion - Each would have the same style of fighting. The difference being is Cobalion would have average speed and attack while terrakion and virizion would be slower or faster while weaker and stronger. Keldeo - Would have a style like the others but with some variations to it. It would be kind of bad in comparison as it is not as old and skilled but it's resolute form would make the style come together and make it better. Meloetta - Would have a buff system like Machamp but could also change style to allow it to do better at fighting but lose the ability to make buffs Chesnaught - It's a noble knight. Give it a graceful style that doesn't fit its huge armor or make it a power house. The choices are up to the developer at that point. Pangoro - Big punches and wild swings. Like Poliwrath but handles different. Hawlucha - Luchadore style wrestling, but has a high jump allowing for aerial attacks. Crabominable - Just punches. It

can't do anything else but it should have strong hard to stop punches. Bewear - Based on bear wrestling and bear hugs. It is your modern wrestler. Since we won't have incineroar in the game this would be the closest we get to WWE style of wrestling. Passimian - Tackles and moving. It's a football player. What else would it do? Kommo-o - Honestly this one eludes me since it just is a fighting type and I don't think it was inspired type wise by anything. Buzzwole - Just like Pangoro and Poliwrath. Would just be a big buff fighter. Pheromosa - Would be a kick fighter like Jenny from Bloody Roar 3. Marshadow - Since it mimics it would just be the random fighter each time. Grapploct - A grappler. Sirfetch'd - Uses his spear/sword for doing long range styles of poke. Shield would help block better. Also is small. Falinks - What could it do? I have no idea. Zamazenta - It has a normal non shield form, and it has a shield form. It could be slower in non shield mode but also when in shield mode be harder to hurt. Urshifu - Urshifu has 2 forms. One which would be single strike which is precise and accurate trying to end the fight in as few hits as possible meaning dealing more damage or something like that while rapid strike form could just be an unending combo like Maxi does in Soul Calibur 2. The real thing to know is that in general certain pokemon could have unique abilities not explained. Such as better blocks where they take less damage to no damage compared to other fighters or even more damage even if at the same number or other things like that, This would also make the boss battles more unique. That's mostly how the game would be made. At the end of the day we lost out on what could be the most deep fighter ever made. What saddens me more is that had we gotten this game it would have probably made Nintendo do better with their online services. Either way we will never know what truly could have been.

[nihilnovesubsole]

10 Questions

tagged by @corvyknight​ (a while ago, oops, i just now got around to actually sitting down and doing this), thank you so much!

tagging: @beach-goth-baby​ @dovahhkiin​ @redwing907​ @bulundu​ @bigmountaintransportalponder​ @wasted-bois​ @50shades-of-blue​ @nukasoda​​ this isn’t 10 people, i know, lol, and also, most are these are wonderful mutuals whom i probably have never spoken to, so hi! don’t feel pressured to do this at all, just a fun way to fill up some time during quarantine. 

rules:  answer these questions, then create 10 new ones and tag 10 people!

1. What fashion trend do you hope makes a comeback?

sixties era space-fashion. i have dreams about dressing like this all the time, i would absolutely love wearing outlandish, shiny, glittery looks, and i would love doing my makeup with unnatural highlight, glitter, lots of silver, the WORKS (basically like i was always going to a festival)

2. How do you feel about clowns?

they don’t really scare me, but i don’t think they are funny.

3. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes, i absolutely do.

4. What video game have you spent the most time on? (If you don’t play video games very much, choose anything else you’ve spent a lot of time on)

ok, so, this blog is mostly fallout so i am sure that is what everyone is expecting to hear, and while i have put an ungodly amount of time into fallout 3, new vegas, and 4 (mostly new vegas if we are honest here), my answer is actually the sims 3. I have almost 700 hours logged on steam, and there are probably about 200 more on my xbox. on this laptop, i had a family that extended three generations and had taken over most of sunset valley. i played them so much my laptop had trouble loading their save.

5. If you had a time machine, what time period would you visit? (Past or future - or neither, if you prefer)

the federal period in the united states. i would go to the site i wrote my thesis on and see if my hypotheses were correct (please bully me for this)

6. Would you survive the apocalypse?

probably not, but there’s a chance, since i can be pretty good at hiding/staying out of people’s business.

7. What’s something you could talk about for hours?

either horses or the sims (again, please bully me for this)

8. Would you prefer very hot or very cold weather?

generally, very hot, so i can go find a natural body of water to swim in. i will say i love snow more than life itself so if snow is involved, i will pick cold every time.

9. What skill do you think everyone should have?

highway driving. i know so many people who refuse to drive on the highway and like... how do you get from a to b??????? i’m... confused

10. What piece of media feels like home to you?

fallout: new vegas. every time. i can navigate the game with my eyes closed, pretty much, and i know the mojave like the back of my hand. whenever i feel homesick, i think of two places: my bedroom, and the mojave wasteland. it always calms me down.

My 10 Questions: 

1. Describe your aesthetic to me! I wanna know.

2. Which Hogwarts House are you?

3. Who is your favorite fictional character? What makes you love them so much?

4. Describe your pets, if you have them. If you don’t, describe the pets you want to have. 

5. Tell me about your outfit today!

6. What is your proudest accomplishment?

7. What is your favorite thing about yourself, physically or personality-wise (do both if you’re feeling especially confident today!) 

8. What do you want to eat right now?

9.  Where is your favorite place (real or fictional)?

10. Describe your best friend(s)!

[gottagobuycheese]

Tag Thingy

Thanks @silent--sonata for indulging my terrible sleeping habits XD

(fyi this will probably be unnecessarily long and rambly, so it’s going under a cut (EDIT: whelp the song list got a little out of hand, I’d apologize if I were even remotely sorry)) 

Rules: Answer 17 questions & tag 17 people you want to get to know better  

Nickname: Cheese (or Lactose Wedge, or Dairy Product of Unspecified Origin and Purpose)

Zodiac Sign: Gemini! 

Height: 160.5 cm/5′3″ (Bubbles I refuse to believe you’re actually that much taller than me) 

Hogwarts house: Somewhere between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff allegedly, both of which I’d be honored to get sorted into, but honestly I’d just be stoked to get sorted at all 

Last thing I googled: I think it was something along the lines of “how to speed up audio playback in GarageBand,” but but my train of thought was derailed before I actually looked at any of the results so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (and on a related note, thanks again for the magical audio editing @imperiousheiress!)

Song stuck in my head: The end credits to Legacy of the Wizard (which is SUCH a jam, thank you for enlightening me @jessicafish) Following and followers: 227 (goodness just looking at that number is stress-inducing) and...104?! When the HECK did you all get here??? I think just last summer I was happily floating about in the 50′s. Anyways, to anyone I have not said hello, hello! Hope you enjoy your stay, and I am sincerely sorry if you expected Quality Original Content, or even just regularly scheduled other people’s content. Sadly, neither of these things tend to happen here. 

Amount I sleep: During the school year it’s usually anywhere between 30 minutes and 6 hours (DON’T EVEN START BUBBLES YOU HAVE NO RIGHT), usually landing in the 3/4 hour ranges if I’m smart about it, but now that I am on Unofficial Break, it’s usually at least around 6 hours (except today was 3 because Avatar is an excellent show and the weirdos in this house have regularly scheduled breakfast at 9-something every morning). Sadly my sleep schedule can only be forced to tolerate normalcy for so long before careening back in the other direction, so we’ll see if this is just a blip or if we’re back to normal mid-Atlantic Ocean hours!

Lucky number(s): I wouldn’t say these are necessarily favorite numbers, but I do like 2 and 9. But come to think of it, second attempts at Official Things do tend to go better for me than first attempts, so maybe there’s some merit there after all! Dream Job: Don’t think I’m really cut out for dreaming anymore, haha (unless you are a theoretical future employer in which case I am Extremely Full of Ambition and Passion). The bed-adjacent metaphor has been made, and not to brag, but I can sleep on pretty much any surface. Currently studying my Not Favorite aspect of STEM (was there ever a favorite or did I just like being good at things sometimes) and learning how to People™ properly (and also learning a gazillion convoluted drug names like what the heck dude, did you just fall asleep on your typewriter coming up with these), so I’ll take whatever place hires me and pays me enough not to depend on my parents for everything, I suppose. In an ideal world, that would entail a job where I could make friends, and even more importantly, a job where my shortcomings would not cause Massive and Irreparable Harm, but I don’t think this line of work really meshes with that last one, so I guess I’ll either have to get my shit together™ extremely soon or fake my death, adopt an alias, and flee to a completely new place with no ties whatsoever before trying to get another, less high stakes job. 

(Though I guess, less cynically, I like helping people well enough? And stories are fun! Maybe there could’ve been something with that. Not that there still can’t be, mind, but there’s still a long way to go between Here and There)

Wearing: Black shorts. Navy t-shirt. Brown some-specific-kind-of-jacket-I-forgot-the-name-of jacket. Is it summer? Is it fall? Am I in middle school? Who can say, but they are COMFY so sadly I have no cares to give

Favourite song(s): way way WAY too many to list here, and I do not have them all organized in a handy playlist separately, but to name a few (and these are not necessarily the MOST favorite okay, it doesn’t mean I don’t love stuff not on this list, it means you can’t force me to pick between my children and I am going to find at least one quick thing from a few things I like before I need to hit post and go back to looking like I’m being studious, and also things I think you should listen to right now, but for everything I’ve linked assuming I mean the whole OST), here’s a spam of links in no particular order: 

LoZ Wind Waker - The Great Sea (aka the epitome of optimism) 

Undertale - NGAHHH!! (I was about to link more but then I realized it’d be the whole soundtrack lol) 

LoZ Breath of the Wild - Hateno Village (Night) 

A:tLA - Peace (bad call BAD CALL NOW I HAVE EMOTIONS) 

Legend of Korra - Final Scene/Ending Theme (MISTAKES WERE MADE MISTAKES WERE MADE) 

Kung Fu Panda - Oogway Ascends (I feel like I’m taking you on a whole little album journey now XD) 

PMD: Explorers of Sky - Dialga’s Fight to the Finish (aka the Gotta Shower Fast song) 

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Pursuit ~ Cornered (aka the HURRY UP AND PACK UR SHIT YOUR FLIGHT LEAVES IN THREE HOURS song) 

Apollo Justice: A New Trial Is In Session (very underrated soundtrack imo) and also Apollo Justice: Telling the Truth (because these two are very closely associated in my head and it’s getting harder and harder to narrow things down so maybe I should stop lol) 

Your Name: Katawaredoki (in which I am forcibly thrown heart first into the bedroom of my second apartment at approximately 12-something A.M.) 

Digimon Adventure 01: Butterfly (MASSIVE 90′s childhood anime feels, and also Last Summer Before Everything Went to Shit feels (on a general scale I mean, not personal)) 

Pokémon: Lugia’s Song multitrack cover by Jordan Moore (would that I could have a talent of that musical talent) 

Pokémon the First Movie: Tears of Life (great now I’m on a Pokémon music spiral GUESS IT’S CHILDHOOD NOSTALGIA HOURS NOW) 

PMD: Blue Rescue Team - Farewell and Run Away/Fugitives (you CANNOT make me choose between these guys okay, my brain WILL explode, and whoops now I want to link the whole ost) 

Palette by A Dear Friend (wink wonk) 

Pokémon: Alpha Sapphire - Fortree City (wow talk about mood whiplash)

Detective Conan: Main Theme (I can’t find the specific version since there are so many, but it’s a Good Theme) 

Super Smash Bros.: Brawl - Opening Theme 

Pokémon Colosseum - Relic Forest 

Song for Lindsay by Andrew Boysen Jr. (oh great now it’s time for marching band feelings I guess)

Mt. Everest by Rossano Galante 

Deltarune - Field of Hopes and Dreams and A Town Called Hometown (orchestrated) (aka the Lots of Work To Do song) and You Can Always Come Home and Don’t Forget (hey guess what I wrote a bunch of fake extra verses for) (also it looks my pathetic attempts at narrowing things down are getting even more pathetic so I’ll wrap up soon XD) 

 Guild Wars 2 - Fear Not This Night (never actually played this myself but my friend got me addicted to the music) 

Lord of the Rings - May It Be (Enya) (aaaand now I miss choir, THANKS BUBBLES) 

Lion King - Can You Feel the Love Tonight (Multilingual) by Travys Kim (aka how I remembered how fun these things are) 

Original Song by Anonymous  

(The urge to add all the other songs I’m not adding is so strong but I’ve got so much work to do so just assume I mean all Nintendo music from any game I’ve played, all Ghibli movie music, every musical I’ve ever heard, and even more) 

Random fact:

Apparently as early as the 17th century, you could guess that a child would have a shortened life span if their foreheads tasted salty. Yes, there is a specific reason, and yes, you may already know what it is, and thankfully no, that life span projection no longer holds true, assuming access to Modern Medicine! 

Favourite Authors: Okay I have not read enough various books of enough various authors to be able to answer this, so I’m just gonna go with a few books instead. They are not necessarily all-time favorites, but I enjoyed reading them very much at the time and more often than not go back to them for comfort reads: The Martian, any of first three Harry Potter books, and The Rise of Kiyoshi. (That last one’s not really a comfort read but I am drowning in Loving Kiyoshi juice so here we are)

Favourite Animal Noises: Certain kinds of birds (UNLESS it’s some ungodly hour of the morning and you’re trying to sleep)? Ooh, and crickets! 

Aesthetic: A slob, but like...a comfy slob. An incredibly disorganized hermit who is happy to mill about in the uncontrolled entropy. (Are we talking about what aesthetic I give off, or what I like to look at, visually? Because I like space, and water, and mountains, and forests, and forests ON mountains, OOH and forests on mountains at night where you can see space, perhaps reflected in a body of water. Or just water, idk. Different things are pretty to look at at different times)

WELL THAT ONLY TOOK FOREVER SORRY FOR THE OBSCENE LENGTH 

@pachelbelsheadcanon @averybritishbumblebee @shingeki-no-korra @sailorlock @yeswevegotavideo @soultheta @queenerdloser @ifeelbetterer @rogueofdragons @peppervl @amadness2method @mutalune and anybody else who wants to do this! This isn’t seventeen, and I don’t know if any of you have already done it/been tagged, but I hear people moving around upstairs so that means this break is over XD. And ABSOLUTELY no pressure to actually do this, this is pretty much just me wishing you well! (and YOU of course, my dear reader! I hope everything’s going all right, or if it’s not, that it does soon)

[one-true-houselight]

Monday means Writing

This is an essay I wrote in response to the assignment ‘What is Theatre to you?” (Names taken out for privacy.”

What is Theatre? I sit in the laundry room of my dorm trying to write a paper about theatre that isn’t painful to read. I slowly go back in my memory; I stand in my workplace at 3am, trying to say goodbye to a second family. I cower on a staircase in the same place two years prior, frozen by fear. I explain to someone that I can, in fact, operate a drill. In fact, I do that at my high school for five years. Three years before that, I sing the only song I know on the karaoke machine from the expansion stage a long forgotten middle school parent built in our cafeteria. I learn to coil cables and test microphones as a excitable eight year old in my church. I finally shut up as an egotistical kid at the end of a drama camp in Hawai’i. These are the defining moments of what I have become, and what I’m still becoming, because of theatre. Theatre is my life. It has shown me my strength, it has taught me my limits. It has given me a reason to live, which I have needed. And these snapshots of my life scratch the surface of explaining how this art does that. I lived in Hawai’i for three and a half years. In that time, I learned how to ice skate, saw an erupting volcano, learned and promptly forgot bits and pieces of both Hawaiian and Japanese, and interacted extensively with a community theatre organization. That community theatre was called Honolulu Theater for Youth, or HTY for short. My family did everything from watching shows to attending workshops; from helping renovate their theater space to, and here the story really begins, signing me up for acting camps. Now, it would be easy to expect a story of me taking to it instantly, and finding a new passion in this wonderful thing called Show Business, capital S capital B. This is not one of those stories. I was a short six year old and a horrific diva. I wanted to control everything, I didn't want to play the games. I am grateful I am writing this paper because it is proof that those instructors were imbibed with the grace not to literally murder me. But then why do I even bring up this camp if it did nothing to interest me in theatre? Because it taught me something later down the road. We were doing a final ‘performance’ (read: played improv games) for the parents at the end of the camp, and one of the things we did was play a game called ‘statues’. This game involved staying quiet and still. We had played it many times over the duration of the camp, and it was the bane of my existence. But for this performance, I actually settled down and played. And I enjoyed it, amazingly enough. And though I cringe every time I look back at this time in my life, I can still see that the things I experienced with HTY have stayed with me through the years; I remember plays about the Korean War, about Hawaiian cultural legends who became my cultural legends. I saw my first parodies and satires here. And all this is why when I got back into theatre, I decided I want to eventually open my own community theater. I want to reach people through this art form I love the same way HTY reached me, and have reached thousands of other people. This wasn’t the spark, but it was the fire starter you put in to keep the fire burning once that spark does come along. After we moved to Virginia, we quickly found a nearby church that had fun music and nice people. I was eight, and though I liked church, I was usually pretty antsy. After a few weeks of watching the sound guy set up each week (we sat right in front of the choir area), he came up and asked if I wanted to help. I excitedly hopped up, and started learning stuff. I learned how the channel on the box the mic plugged into corresponded to the channel on the board, how to sound check (making many counting jokes in the process), and what all those darn knobs do on the board. I promptly forgot most of that last one, but the sound guy (whose name is Gerry) was always happy to explain. I got to take home a dead cable and practice coiling, which I enjoyed an inordinate amount. And I still do. This was my first experience in tech. And even though I retained at most 50% of the information, that means I retained 50% of the information about sound. It gave me confidence to go into other situations and say “Hey, I know sound basics”. It was an environment where it didn’t even occur to me that being a girl had anything to do with what I worked on. And I continued to help with sound at that church for over 10 years, even after I became part of the choir I so admired. Lessons I learned from that badly placed sound board still come back to me. I made friends with the adults that helped Gerry. It reminded me that small stuff like coiling a cable could be relaxing and even joyful. It acted as another fire starter for when theatre would become a part of my life. In sixth grade, I thought I was going to play soccer in the spring. So my dad, a track star back in the day, convinced me to try out for track in the fall. Shockingly enough, when I refused to run a mile and could barely breathe after the events I actually did attempt, I was cut from tryouts almost immediately. And I have never been more pleased with rejection in my life. After that, my mom convinced me to reluctantly try out for A Christmas Carol. Fast forward to that spring. After A Christmas Carol, I did Suessical Jr., which was wonderful. At the after cast-party, someone pulled out a karaoke machine, and I volunteered to go first. I got up there and started reading through the song list. And I knew none of them. Until I got to one a friend had introduced me to not four months prior; “Fireflies” by Owl City. I picked it, because I love that song, and started singing. A bunch of people who had become my friends over this show started clapping with beat, and sang all the responses. And in that moment, I knew that this is where I belonged. I had moved four times in my life, so I was used to things in life not lasting. But this was different. Even though I knew I wouldn’t be friends with all of them, I would be friends with some of them for a long time. And everything about theatre worked for me; the show, the performing, the jokes. It was an intersection of everything. It was here where I started to remember HTY, and see what I could do for people. And I have always remembered singing “Fireflies” with those people as the true spark of my love for theatre. I have been woodworking with my dad for many years. I helped build stuff for my sixth and seventh grade shows, as well as just around the house stuff. Lowes was a wonderful place for me. Still is, I suppose. I started going to set builds at my high school the spring before I started attending. And my skills definitely improved over the years, as skills are apt to do. And it was these set builds that helped me realize how much I enjoy tech. There was something about working for hours and creating something that sat with me for longer than acting ever did. But it also started showing me more important, concrete lessons. I learned to know my strengths, when it was good to learn, and when getting things done was more important. I learned when to insist I knew how to do something, and when to not fight that battle. Especially the latter. It’s hard, when you feel like any sign of weakness is a betrayal of yourself and your gender, to let it go when it isn't an issue. And I didn't learn it completely in any sense of the word. I still haven't completely learned it. But those Saturdays were where I learned a lot about myself and the people I was working with in high school. The summer of my junior year, I had accepted a job at my Tae Kwon Do place as a camp counselor for some ungodly reason. I was only scheduled to work the month of August, which is why when my dad asked if I want to do another camp in August I initially said no. He explained that a friend of his tagged him in a post from a local theater we had attended a couple of times. This theater, the Hylton Performing Arts Center, was starting up something called ‘Tech Boot Camp’; a week long thing where you were taught technical theater by the people who work there as technicians. And to sweeten the deal, after the camp you were allowed to volunteer at their shows. My parents finally convinced me to skip a week of work to do this, saying it would help with my goals and be a good experience. This right here is what English teachers call foreshadowing. But I’ll get to that later. Anyway, we start the first day on intros and lights. Which means going up to the fifth floor tech level and the follow spot booth. Fun Fact about Erika <last name>; I am afraid of heights. <Unparliamentary language deleted> terrified. So I hung back in the follow spot booth, and prayed fervently as we walked along. Then we got to another set of stairs. Another woman and I could not continue, so one of the counselors stays with us. Then everyone went downstairs, and I couldn't move. Eventually, the same counselor brought me down the elevator and calmed me down. Throughout the week, I pushed myself to confront the heights with help from all four counselors. By the end, even though it was one of the best experiences of my life, I was convinced I would not be invited back. But the main production person came and specifically said they wanted me back because I had been so engaged, and another person said that they too were scared of heights, and that it was ok. And this camp wasn’t where I learned any lessons, or where I found a new love or passion. Those came later. But it shows a starting point, and it is important to my journey in theatre to see this stop. A little over two years after that camp, I am a paid employee. Those four counselors, along with all the other HPAC production and other staff, are my best friends and a second family. I learned so many things, a mere fraction of which was stagehand related. I have conquered a list of anxieties and fears longer than a cue-to-cue rehearsal. These people helped me decide to seek help for my clinical anxiety, and did everything they could to help ever since then. No activity has helped me more with my self-confidence and esteem. No group of people has taught me more about friendship and family. This was the first place I wanted to go after I reported my parent’s abuse, and it was a haven whenever I needed it. I figured out a lot about myself, and it was (and is) where I could start rebuilding a person I could look at in the mirror. It showed me how much I fit into theatre, how I really could make it in this world. And now I have a gaggle of brothers and sisters who will always be there to lend advice, make a joke, or just listen. I could write pages about this, but I think it is summed up best by how we parted before I came to Tech. It’s 3am. I hug every single person as they walk out, sharing a quick whispered conversation. Until it is just me and the counselor who helped me at camp, the man who was the first to adopt me, who is one of the only ones who knows I might not be alive the next day, who knows everything about me like they all do. And we both stand there, trying not to cry. Tech theatre, like I mentioned above, is an almost magical intersection of many of my complexities. It requires a lot of movement, which is one of the ways I deal with my anxiety. It is ever-changing, and yet still has constants and rules and stuff I can organize. There is always new stuff to learn, and people who can and will teach it to me. It lets my strengths be used, and it lets my limits be set. I have learned to not be a diva, to find the little things I can do, to find families, to do what I can the best I can, and that there is nothing I can’t do if I want to do it. I feel that tech is the best way I have to help people, and I am thankful for all the experiences that have helped show me that. I am excited to keep learning. I am glad I have stayed alive, and theatre is a big reason that is the case. And now, as I sit in the lounge (the laundry long done), I hold back all the emotion from these recollections. I store it, and use it to fuel my journey into the unknown.

At the end I included a note about how I’m getting help for the mental health issues discussed here so I didn’t worry my professors.