#neil's year would be the world cup (obv)

[feelingthedisaster]

AFTG X SCALONETA AU, ANYONE??????

[nickireadstfc]

The King’s Men, Chapter 2 – Welcome Back, I Guess

In which the squad is reunited in the usual heartfelt fashion, Andrew has inquiries about learning curves, we finally find a hashtag for Abby, and Neil gets a makeover.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The King’s Men.

Hello hello hello! It’s been almost exactly three months since I last updated this trainwreck of a blog, holy shit. I have no one to blame but my own lazy ass.

But none of that matters because – here we are! The hellride continues, fucking finally.

In other news: We hit 1,000 followers during hiatus!

Wowzie. I’m still stunned by the number of people who want to read my bullshit antics.

So, if you’ve only found this blog during my hiatus – welcome! If you’ve been around for this shitshow since the beginning – welcome back!

Here’s to the rest of the series.

(Oh boy.)

             [Neil] needed his teammates to think he was okay. That meant going about the day as if Christmas had never happened. He bought himself time to lock his thoughts down by going for the world’s slowest run down Perimeter Road.

Neil, I love you, I truly do. You are a brave, defiant, proud soul, armed with a battalion of wit and a truly unbreakable spirit.

But you are also an absolute, absolute cockhead.

DO NOT JOG WHEN YOU JUST HAD EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY BROKEN, YOU MASSIVE FUCKING SHITBRAIN.

Neil’s body is apparently an inkling smarter than his mush brain, because it immediately punishes him by making him fall asleep in the library. Serves him right.

And how does he wake up? By my absolute, absolute favourite line in this book so far.

             Fingers digging into the back of his skull startled him awake. (…) “Is your learning curve a horizontal line?” Andrew asked. “I told you yesterday to stop making my life difficult.”

IS YOUR LEARNING CURVE A HORIZONTAL LINE, holy shit. Andrew, my boy, my man, never ever ever let me doubt your sass capabilities.

(Not that I ever did, because honestly.)

This may not only be my favourite line in this book so far, but also my favourite line Andrew has ever let past his small rage-filled lips. Is your learning curve a horizontal line.

Tattoo this on my body, paint this on my walls, print this on a blanket and bury me in it.

On a more somber note – this is how our boy Neil wakes up, en detail:

             Fingers digging into the back of his skull startled him awake. He grabbed for a gun, for a knife, for anything close enough to buy him room to flee, and sent the computer mouse skidding across the table.

Does that violent, alert way of waking up ring any bells? Like, any?

The Neil/Andrew parallels are real, you guys, and I am so here for it.

Andrew and the gang fetch Neil to drive to the stadium for fun Fox reunion times, and in the car, Neil makes an interesting discovery:

             A car key was fastened to the adapter head with a rubber band. (…) Either Andrew had confiscated Nicky’s copy or he’d gone out and gotten Neil one of his own. Neither option made much sense to Neil. He’d only used Andrew’s car because Andrew needed a second driver in his absence.

Oh… my… actual… fuck. How can anybody be this OBLIVIOUS. Harry Potter who?

Whether Neil realizes it or not, they are now Car Sharing Boyfriends™ and I am loving the fuck out of this development.

Upon arriving at the Foxhole, Abby confiscates Neil in order to look him over, meaning we’re in for some good good healthy Abby lovin’ in this time of stress.

             “You won’t ask [about the contact lenses and the hair]?” Neil said.

             “I’ve seen you scars, Neil. I’m not as surprised as I should be to find out they’re not the only things you hide. I want to ask, but you told me once already not to pry.”

Excuse me, why is Abby such an actual angel descended from the heavens. We do not deserve her and her absolute kindness. No one does.

(Lies. Neil does. Neil needs that shit.)

And because Abby is a kind and responsible woman with her head screwed on, she benches Neil for a week until he is at least marginally better – which of course, Mr Dramatic Cockhead over here does not enjoy.

             “A week,” Neil echoed. “That isn’t fair.”

             “No,” Abby said, and cupped his face in her hands. “This isn’t fair. None of this is.”

             The pain in her voice killed Neil’s argument in his throat.

Ouch.

             “Sometimes I think this job is going to kill me,” Abby said. “Seeing what people have done, what people continue to do, to my Foxes. I wish I could protect you, but I’m always too late. All I can do is patch you up afterward and hope for the best.”

Oh, ouch.

And then –

             Abby folded her arms around him and pulled him into a hug. (…) The only people who’d ever hugged Neil were his teammates, and those were quick squeezes throughout a good game. His mother had pulled him close before, (…) but she’d never held him like he was something to be sheltered.

Abby, I have never loved you more than in this very moment.

I wanna make a joke about any of this, but I can’t. I’m crying.

Just – #hugsoutforabby

We’ve been searching for three books, and now we finally found a hashtag. Excuse me while I dry my tears with it.

And not enough with that – the Best Hug Ever also makes Neil think on some important stuff:

             [His mother] was gone. Even if she was here, she wouldn’t have comforted him for this. She wouldn’t have held him like he was a hard breath away from shaking apart. She’d have cleaned his wounds because they couldn’t risk being slowed by infection, but she’d hit him for choosing the Foxes over his own safety.

Breaking news: Mama Josten is an actually awful human being, and Neil finally experiencing what real motherly love feels like makes him realize that.

To that, I have nothing to add.

(I do have some hands that Mama Josten can catch if I ever come across her.)

As Neil is released from Abby’s care, he finally meets up with the Foxes, and the usual heart-felt greeting formalities are exchanged – that is to say, Andrew punches the fuck out of Matt for hitting Kevin (Neil intervenes and easily stops Andrew, because, well, obvs), Nicky has exactly 0% sympathy for Matt, Matt calls Andrew crazy and Nicky a monster, and the goalie BFFs have a warm reunion by means of a curt two-second head nod.

So, you know, same old, same old.

             Wymack quirked a brow at Matt, then looked to Neil and Andrew.

             “Didn’t we have a talk about not killing your teammates?”

When. When has a talk like that ever worked, David.

             “[Allison] is not crying,” Neil said.

             Nicky grinned. “Five bucks says she is.”

             Neil should have brushed it off. Maybe a month ago he would have. (…)

             Neil kept the edge out of his voice, but barely. “Don’t you dare bet on someone’s grief.”

HECK YES.

My boy Neil’s development of Not Taking Any Bullshit Anymore has already begun last book and continues to grow, and I am so here for it.

Shortly before Wymack can commence his usual motivation talk, a lil unexpected something happens: As Andrew takes out a knife (which is not unexpected), Neil has War Flashbacks to his father (which is neither), but as he makes a comment about it – Renee drops in.

             “I’ve never understood why he likes knives.” (…)

             [Renee]’d stopped mid-sentence to stare at Neil, but the Renee studying him wasn’t the Foxes’ redeemed optimist. Her sweet smile was gone and the too-blank look in her face reminded Neil of Andrew. (…)

             [Renee and Andrew] stared each other down, soundless and still, oblivious to the bewildered looks their teammates sent between them.

Uhm. What?

I thought we were done with backstory on Renee’s part. Don’t tell me my sweet murder princess has past beef with Mr Chop Chop himself. DO NOT.

What is happening.

But, alas – the moment passes, and Wymack finally starts giving them the ol’ Listen Up, Fuckers, Here’s How We’re Gonna Not Die This Season Speech.

Heads up: They’re most definitely gonna die this season.

The good news: The only reason they’re only most definitely gonna die is because the USC Trojans, the Edgar Allan Ravens and U of Penn – you know, the Three Main Fuckers – are up against each other before semi-finals, meaning one of them will bite it before they have a chance to bite the Foxes.

Yoo-fucking-hoo.

Neil “I’m Fine” Josten, of course, tries to make his case for being let off the health leash once again, but is quickly silenced by, well, every present person with half a brain.

Also – this.

             “A fierce season and ample tragedies means we’re the talk of the town, and this year people might actually root for the underdog. The board want us to encourager that fever with more publicity. Expect more cameras at games, more interviews, and more nosiness in general.”

Oh yeah, because that has always worked out so goddamn well.

Let us reward your charming talent for attracting death threats every time you do so much as smell a camera by supplying more cameras.

             “If I could ban some of you from ever opening your mouths in public, I would, but this is out of my hands.”

At least Wymack agrees.

And last order of today – Mission How To Get Neil To Look Less Like An Actual Punching Bag, which is elegantly solved by everything that solves every problem in a good high school/college movie:

A makeover.

Yup, you read that right, Allison swoops in like an makeup goddess descended from the high Sephora heavens (which, like – she is) and covers up Neil’s bruises like an absolute badass.

10/10 would learn how to contour and colour-block again.

             Neil took [the mirror] from her outstretched hand but let it rest glass-down in his lap. Allison motioned for him to take a peek. Neil shook his head. (…)

             “Not scared of Riko, but scared of your own reflection?”

Clearly, Allison has never looked into the mirror after a night spent getting thoroughly fucked up.

Or like, she just looks naturally flawless even after partying her brains out, which is honestly the more plausible answer.

Also please give me all the fanarts of Neil getting makeup tips and talking about boys with Allison, Renee and Dan, please and thank you.

             Neil was tired and sore and not at all looking forward to his week off the court, but for a moment none of that mattered.

             “We’re okay,” he said to the empty hall. “We’re going to be okay.”

And I’m not.

Happy fucking holidays to all of us! No matter what you’re celebrating - if aynthing at all - I wish you a wonderful time and I hope you’re all well.

Updates will - this time for real - continue in the new year. It’s my resolution, and for once I’m actually set on pulling through with it.

Have a lovely time everyone, take care.

And as always: If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing fun things for you, please consider buying me a coffee. Every lil bit helps, getting me through uni and all that jazz. Thanks so much!

[plant-dad-sulu]

all the even numbers

omfg okay

2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why?

Gillian Anderson because I love her, Deforest Kelley because he’s a delight, and Dan Avidan from Game Grumps because he’s lovely

4. What was the last good thing that happened to you?

yesterday a customer at work saw me struggling and said “you’re doing great” and it was really nice, and the day before another customer found out I was new and said “you’re doing great, sweetie” and I love both of them

6. What do you think is the meaning of life?

dunno, man, I think it depends on the person

8. Do you have any pet peeves?

people chewing with their mouths open, but I have misophonia so I’m not sure if that’d be a pet peeve or a symptom. But also people who just leave stuff everywhere, like they make a mess and don’t clean it up the moment they’re done

10. What was your favorite TV show growing up?

I had a lot because I watched a lot of tv, but I used to be a big fan of Doctor Who

12. What are your favorite movies?

Clue is number one in my heart always. I also love Some Like it Hot, Ghostbusters (new and old), The Voyage Home, and Psycho

14. What do you look for in a significant other?

If I can hold a conversation with someone it’s a miracle so that’s like lowest bar

16. What are some things on your bucket list?

huh, I don’t think I actually have anything tbh which is weird because I swear I did. Get a tattoo I guess? idk

18. Do you have any pets or have you ever owned any?

I currently have two fish names Rodney Dangerfish and Louis, and their snail companion Snailison Ford

20. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you choose and why?

I’m currently in love with Jenny by The Studio Killers as well as Neptune by Sleeping at Last, which are two very different vibes but either one would be wonderful

22. What is your favorite commercial?

do people have those? I don’t even know any current commercials

24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?

A boat.

LMAO no, I’d bring my copy of The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

26. Who is your favourite musical artist?

I’ve never really had one, but if I had to choose then probably the Gorillaz

28. What is your favourite color?

greeeeeeeeeeeen 💚 

30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

transformation obv

32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life?

Gillian Anderson. She looks nothing like me but it’s be cool right?

34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with?

Gillian Anderson. I’d get to be gorgeous and meet cool people and she’d get some much needed time off

36. Who is your favourite author?

Neil Gaiman, but I don’t read much anymore

38. What is your favorite food ever?

pub burgers

40. Drunken story time! Go!

lmao I don’t drink, but one time at a party with a lot of people who were drunk a dildo fell on me from the ceiling, which was really embarassing because I was waiting for it so I could smack it out of the air but I missed and it hit me in the face instead

42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?

well first I stand there for ten minutes doing nothing and then I wash my hair

44. How are you feeling right now?

conflicted and vaguely uncomfortable with a hint of frustration

46. What is the closest red item to you?

my ipod and headphones

48. Do you love yourself?

sometimes

50. Have you ever met a celebrity?

no I have not and I’ve never known a greater injustice

52. What are you listening to right now?

Just finished listening to Fragile World by Alberto Rosende and am about to hit play on Here’s to Us as sung by Paget Brewster and Paul F. Tompkins on Beyond Belief

54. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?

dated a straight guy, it was fuckin wild

56. Did you have a good childhood?

it was okay, would not replay

58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

LICK. I LICK MY ICE CREAM BECAUSE I’M NOT A SAVAGE. GOOD GOD. but i will bit a popsicle cause those things are disgusting when they melt so gotta go fast

60. What are some of your turn-ons?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

62. Would you go skydiving?

Yeah, and maybe I’d break my leg and have to get a metal rod put in just like my mom. Twinning!

64. Do you ever rent movies?

W

When was

What year was this question written

66. What is your zodiac sign?

Nacho Libra

68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now?

Hey Gyllian just answer my question. It’s a simple question. I can’t make it any clearer. I just want an answer, please. I’ve emailed you like three times how can you not understand what I’m asking.

70. What is your stance on abortion?

Pro-choice. 

72. Who do you admire and why?

Gillian Anderson because she’s a great role model, has a great sense of humour, has anxiety but works through it like the hero she is, and is the sourse of like 90% of wlw queer awakenings

74. Have you ever had a near-death experience?

I’ve almost stepped in front of so many cars and also once someone stole my sketchbook

76. Where do you want to live after retirement?

Somewhere quiet and with good wifi

78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her?

I’m agnostic and I would ask them what the fuck

80. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

what’s extrovert, never heard of her

82. What do you worry about most?

my friends

84. Who do you compare yourself to?

my friends

86. What five words would you use to describe your personality?

quiet, funny, petty and anxious

88. What belief do you have that many people disagree with?

If you bite a bit off the tip off a goldfish cracker you can fill it with hot chocolate and have a tiny cheese cup

90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

yeah man, nodding’s a thing

92. If you had to teach an academic subject, what subject would you want to teach?

art or music (or pop culture if I knew more because that stuff is hella interesting)

94. What will matter most to you when you're 80 years old?

probably whatever cyborg pet I have at the time. Good ol’ fluffy

96. Are you a perfectionist?

I used to be, but now I have like 0 motivation

98. What is your guilty pleasure?

i’m not guilty about any of my pleasures

100. What is your favorite social media website?

Fuck, probably this hellsite. I jsut really like memes okay?