#nearly every single day i have 2 pieces of toasted white bread with butter

[mcmansionhell]

2018 McGingerbread Hell Competition Winners

Happy New Year, Folks! I’m pleased to announce the winners of this (past) year’s McGingerbread Hell Gingerbread House Competition!!

First off, I cannot find the words to say how much joy each and every entry to this competition has brought me. Every single one of the participants put their 100% best McMansion Hell face on and the results were charming, hilarious, and, if we’re being punny here, downright sweet. This may be the best idea this blogger has ever had. 

Second, let me say that the when I say the competition was fierce, I mean, it was fierce. So much so that I drafted the fellow judgement of two of my favorite colleagues, my literary agent Caroline Eisenmann, and fellow architecture critic/Editor of Chicago Architect Magazine Anjulie Rao to help me narrow the 43 contestants down to 8. 

Just a note: Last names of the winners have been abbreviated for privacy reasons. If you would like your full name to be published instead, please email mcgingerbreadhell@gmail.com with your preferred name. 

We’re going to start our line up with the 5 honorable mentions in alphabetical order, after which there will be a break to take those of you scrolling through this on the dashboard to the full article where the top 3 McMansions will be revealed. 

Without further ado... 

Honorable Mention #5 : Manoir de emporte-pièce by Anya D.

The judges were impressed by the whimsy, creativity and finely detailed execution of Anya’s house. Caroline summed it up best: “what else is a McMansion if not a bunch of smaller houses wrapped into one package?” 

Anya writes: 

Hi I'm Anya and I'm 12. I made my Gingerbread house from Gingerbread I mixed and baked myself. The house shapes came from a cookie cutter. It's held together with royal icing frosting I made. The shingles are almonds and the house off to the side is the dog house and has candy dog bones on it. The "lights" on parts of it are candy balls. I hope you like it!

Honorable Mention #4: AMAZING Custom Home with Quality Features by Sydney E.

The judges were impressed by the house’s fine craftsmanship, attention to detail (especially the peppermint columns, the gumdrop crenellations, and the chandelier in the back) and great sense of humor. Anjulie remarked: “Love the inclusion of the nuclear family.” What really had us in stitches was Sydney’s wonderfully rich description, especially this part:

 “...You'll know you're living in the lap of luxury when you see the ENORMOUS GOLD CHANDELIER in the dining room. But it's the ROOFTOP PATIO with no discernible purpose or point of entry that will really set you apart from your neighbors. "Hey, how did you get up there?" they'll ask, but you're not telling (mysterious!). The landscaping will make you feel like you're in the countryside, in a sea of royal icing TURF GRASS (shown here, lightly dusted with coconut snow). The FOUR TREES on the property are either too far from the house to provide any shade (stately!) or extremely close to the house and actively obscuring at least one window (posh!). The entire house, the front walk, and the driveway are all bordered in royal icing ENGLISH IVY, which is definitely never going to be a problem for native plants (colonial!).”

Honorable Mention #3: Suburban Hobbit House by Jennifer K. & Cara M.

The judges were impressed by the difficulty of execution in Jennifer and Cara’s house, especially the dome, the cleverness of using almonds as cladding, and the hilariously barren “asphalt” lawn complete with soul patch. Kate remarked: “Pretty sure I saw this exact house in Bergen County, New Jersey.”

Jennifer and Cara wrote about their house: 

Made of solid gingerbread in shape of skulls (had the pans), graham crackers, lots of icing, nuts, chocolate, a candy cane, grape tic-tacs, decorator sprinkles, butter-rum Lifesavers, fondant, Tootsie Rolls, and a loaf of rosemary bread. Round center mass house with back porch nub, two wings, a charming turret. We totally meant for it to look this way.

Honorable Mention #2: European Charme by Núria O. 

The judges were very impressed with the fine detailing (such as the columns, balustrades, and front door), the crisp, clean execution of the design, and total commitment to the McMansion Aesthetic™ from front to rear, including the completely barren lawn. 

Núria describes the house in finely practice Realtor-ese:

Beautiful gazillion-square-feet chalet featuring lots of personality and European flair. This cozy 4-bedroom, 10-bathroom cottage is made of sturdy construction-grade tan-beige gingerbread from top to bottom. Roof plates are structurally tinted, not painted, ensuring a durable color that will last until the last crumble is eaten. Windows glazing is made of gelatine sheets coated with black-coloured blueberry jam to ensure privacy as you lounge by the bay window or enjoy the views from the beautiful faux-balcony. 

All doors are solid gum paste, with royal icing on all window frames as well as the balustrade. This home is ideal for entertaining, with its luxurious two-story entrance featuring genuine Spanish _neula_ columns with doric capitals, ornated pediment and a quaint half-tindered wall that gives true European _charme_. Utilities are housed in a lovely turret next to the service door. The garage accomodates two SUVs or six European sedan cars. The magnificent brown-sugar-paved front yard features icing plants and a signature landscaped crushed-sprinkle turf patch on cookie soil. The same type of grass was used in the large, sunny backyard which also has a patio area.

Honorable Mention #1: Existential Crisis on 34th Street by Caitlin R. 

The judges were very impressed by the house’s clever use of different baking materials and attention to detailing, especially in the icing work. Kate was especially excited by the rounded gingerbread turret, and Anjulie loved the “Existential Crisis” detail and monumental marshmallow columns. The description had Caroline especially in stitches.

Caitlin describes the house:

This nine-bedroom mansion is made from the most exquisite of gingerbreads. Lovingly handmade from scratch, and crafted by local artisans, it's ready for your own sweet family. Grecian inspired columns impose your might on the neighborhood, while a pebble-clad tower with bay windows adds a touch of country charm. Architectural details include a 'stonework' wall and chimney, sweet dormer windows, and a luxurious back porch. A myriad of windows let light into this expanded historic house - the original building dates all the way back to 1982! Come by today, and soon you'll be calling this three-and-a-half story, Greco-Chateauesque Italian Revival Americana, 18,600 square foot mansion - home!

Now on to the TOP 3 PRIZEWINNING HOUSES!

It all comes down to this. It was stiff competition through and through, and the judges deliberated long and hard about who the top 3 spots should go to. Each house showed tremendous ability in craftsmanship, detailing, and McMansion Engineering. Without further ado: 

Third Prize: Saccharin Sanctuary by Christa H.

The judges were wowed by the amazing craftsmanship and attention to detail present in Christa’s house. Caroline was impressed by the use of Cinnamon Toast Crunch as shingling, Anjulie loved the jellybean stone accents, and Kate found the use of sticks of gum as fake-stucco siding to be very clever. The execution of the lawyer foyer, turret, and appropriately nonsensical rear exterior put this house in to the third place slot. 

Christa’s description, in perfect Realtorese: 

This fabulous 1.5 story house features a gorgeous columned entry, double garage, show-stopping turret, and the picture perfect back patio. Built from the finest gingerbread and white chocolate... you can be sure that this house has a superior foundation that you can trust for years to come. Jelly Beans, spear mint Lifesavers, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Double Mint gum among other award winning materials make this house’s curb appeal unforgettable! List Price: 🍬574,900  Est Mortgage: 🍬2,240/mo Listed By: Sugar & Space Reality®️

Second Prize: The Hundred Thousand by Louisa G.

The judges were blown away by, as they say, the sheer size of this lad. The monumentality of such a massive roof must have taken some serious gingerbread engineering, all while perfectly encapsulating McMansion Roof Culture. The engineering, clean execution, attention to detail (millions of nonpareils!!), and true, well, McMansion-ness of this house vaulted (ceiling) it into 2nd place. 

Louisa describes the house thusly: 

The Hundred Thousand has no equal. This 37-piece towering gingerbread edifice was baked and constructed over four days during the heat of an Australian summer, by an Australian and a Finn, using a Finnish gingerbread recipe. Inspired by Mt. Nub, The Hundred Thousand boasts a porcine screaming porch, eight ahoy-mateys windows, a royally-iced gable front that almost but not entirely obscures the front door, and palatial grounds landscaped with topiary sweets, all topped off with a soaring roof tiled with hundreds & thousands. 

So many hundreds & thousands were used that the builders ran out of material - causing the construction project to grind to a halt for almost ten minutes, until the Australian’s father arrived with more much-needed building supplies. The Hundred Thousand was fixed together using high-quality caramel, and is internally braced by two large gingerbread cross-panels. This fantastic abode required nearly 2kg of flour and eight eggs (provided by the Australian’s chickens) and was constructed as large as the oven would allow, measuring a whopping 40 cm across on the front facade, and nearly 30 cm high. 

And finally, (DRUMROLL PLEASE)

First Prize: Casa de McGingerHell by Beth and Tina C.

From the moat, dome skylight, and lawyer foyer, to the rice crispy treat retaining wall, and chocolate rocks, this house, in the words of Caroline, was “truly next level.” The judges were blown away by the incredible attention to detail and clever use of different materials, specially the pretzel railing on the bridge, the marshmallow penguins, and we all freaked over those sugar glass and water elements. From the several different types of windows, bizarre massing, and three car garage, this house encapsulates the deranged opulence of McMansions in the sweetest way possible. 

Beth and Tina describe their house: 

Located centrally and literally dominating the entire living room, this McGingerMansion features over twenty handcrafted stained glass windows, a double sized garage, and three hand laid rock face walls! This gingermansion also has not one, but two incredible water features including a delightful frozen waterfall in the spacious backyard. Boasting several pre-decorated pine trees surrounding the property, this festive gingermansion showcases several dozen strands of lights and as well as a handful of charming wreaths. 

The one hundred percent genuine pretzel log deck overlooking the backyard is the perfect place to entertain friends and family alike, especially during the holiday season! Standing at just over a foot and a half tall, this truly massive gingermansion has a total composition of just over twenty pans worth of gingerbread. Call now to schedule a tour today; this gingermansion won't last long! *Disclaimer: As required of us by law, we must disclose the presence of a minor pest infestation in the form of roughly a dozen cute, but possibly rabid penguins on the property.

On behalf of the judges and McMansion Hell, we would like to thank everyone who entered the competition for their amazingly wonderful houses, and for the funding from McMansion Hell’s Patreon supporters whose generosity made running the competition and supplying the prizes possible. 

Stay tuned for this year’s new and exciting McMansion Hell features:

- The conclusion of the 50 states, starting with Virginia next week.  - A series of essays on kitsch - Looking at McMansions decade by decades - McMansions in film and media - Updates on the McMansion Hell Book

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!

There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!

Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs are used in this post under fair use for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2018 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)

[tonyuk41]

Start Your Day in the Healthiest Way!

Start Your Day in the Healthiest Way!

We all know how important breakfast is. We've been hearing it for years! Fueling your 'engine' at the start of your day is critical to your health and your performance throughout the rest of the day. But, too many people scarf down the wrong types of food in the morning, failing to give their bodies what they need for energy, efficient metabolism, fat burning, blood sugar balance, and so on.

Our focus needs to shift from just filling your belly with 'any 'ol thing' to creating better health at the start of your day.

Cereal, toast, muffins, bagels, scones, cereal bars, donuts, croissants, and all the other starchy, sugary, grainy foods are the most common components of breakfast for so many. BUT, they fail to provide your body with the best ingredients for optimal health.

Regardless of whether you're eating whole grains, organic grains, multigrains or some other form of grain, all grains are converted to sugar in our systems, affecting our delicate insulin balance. This happens more quickly with refined grains, found in the majority of cereals and breads in conventional markets.

Many of the world's leading nutritional experts agree that grains are NOT a requirement for optimal health and, in fact, tend to move us directly AWAY from health due to their effect on insulin and inflammation throughout the body. Others disagree. ALL agree that the grains we see lining almost all supermarket shelves are garbage!

Now, I'm not telling you to eliminate grains. If you feel you'd like to, then go right ahead... you won't be missing a genetic requirement for health, according the top experts. But, it's a tremendous challenge for most North Americans to eliminate grains since so many of us were raised on them! (Not that that should make us feel any better when we consider the health conditions we suffer from now that were virtually non-existent a few generations ago!)

Personally, I haven't eliminated grains in our family. I like to think that if I were a more creative chef and had more time to cook that I'd do this. That's not the case at this point, so I do my best with what I've got!

Instead of eliminating grains, first focus on 3 things:

1) Don't start your day with grains (or end your day with them, for that matter).

2) Reduce your intake of grains. If you do have grains, try to limit your consumption to one serving about the size of your fist per day.

3) Clean it up. When choosing grains, avoid the refined "white" grains. Choose organic whole grain products that have been properly treated for the removal of toxic phytates, like sourdough and sprouted grain breads, as well as soaked or sprouted cereal grains. (I wouldn't bother looking for these with the other breads and cereals in a grocery store! You'll probably need to look in a specialty foods area or go to a health food market.)

So, what's a better start to your day? A better choice is some protein, along with its naturally occurring fat, and some fresh fruit. Ideally, try to have this within a half hour or so of waking. It doesn't have to be much, if you're not a huge fan of breakfast. But the right start will drastically shift your function for the rest of the day. Think of it as making your engine run more efficiently, and working for you rather than against you.

This is how I apply this nutritional know-how in our family: when I first get up I grab a handful of raw almonds and a piece of fruit along with a glass of water. A couple hours later, when the kids are up, I'll make something more substantial. We start with several types of fruit and then get into the protein food.

We cycle between antibiotic-free, nitrate-free, hormone-free, organic, grass-fed and free-range breakfast meats like chicken or turkey sausage, turkey bacon, bison patties, or some free-range eggs (whole eggs, not just egg whites), or our "protein pancakes" loaded with eggs and very 'clean' protein powder, or organic whole milk yogurt (unpasteurized, when I can find it).

They don't have cereal very often any more, as their mom continues to learn - maybe once every 3 weeks or so. If I make them toast with breakfast, I make sure we've got enough other protein along with it to "cut" the effects of the grains. They'll have a sprouted organic bread with organic, grass-fed butter and almond butter. I'll have this every once in awhile, too.

This might be a big shift in the morning meal if you're not a breakfast eater or you've been relying on grainy foods to fill your belly (and your family's).

Start small - add a bit of fresh fruit and a few nuts along with what you're already eating. Or have a non-grain or reduced grain breakfast once or twice per week. You don't need to make a radical sweeping change right out of the gates!

Every little bit helps. So, even if you start your day with some nice, fresh fruit and a bit of healthy protein, but you still choose to have that scone or muffin with your coffee on the way to work... so what! You added health to your day (and to your life) by putting the 'right' things in FIRST! You can't erase the good you've already done!

Are you confused by the overwhelming, often contradictory health information these days? Concerned that your family may not be as healthy as they could be? So you feel stressed out and exhausted... and just too darn tired to make positive, healthy lifestyle changes? I'm here to help! My name is Dr. Colleen Trombley, also known as Dr. Mom Online. I have a knack for simplifying Health and helping busy women restore balance to their lives. (Of course, nearly every single thing I teach also applies to men! Don't worry, guys!)