#naturally; I jest. I do not know if it is 🦊. But I do know that he oftentimes hates me; judges me herself. I don't suppose it would be too

[sepiasys]

Hello, 👑 here, or atleast, that is how I feel I present. Perhaps I am wrong, and I am 👁️🪽 or whomever it may be.

I am here to say that, oftentimes when I am actively attempting to behave how I choose, when I am taking control of front to the best of my abilities, I am met with a critic.

It is a voice, in a sense. But it is more like paranoia combined with the way one daydreams when envisioning hypothetical scenarios and mulling them over. That may be the best way I can explain how it feels in a more commonly comprehensible way/manner.

It tells me that there are others who can see what I do, see that I behave so differently, many times intentionally. It is almost harassment of a sort. That I cannot choose to act how I please, because others will find it strange. And that if those others knew I were contemplating or believing to have dissociative identity disorder, they would claim that I, as a whole, am faking. Fake because my behavior is deliberate.

Is it so wrong to wish to curate and build my own persona? Who I wish to display myself as? Is that not what it means to discover yourself, who you are, who you want to be?

But yes. I am haunted by this frequently when I front, or attempt to do so. When I say it tells me that there are others who judge me for who I am, who I become, I mean that metaphorically. But I can most certainly see and feel the thoughts, ideas and feelings, the concepts it throws at me.

That there are ghosts around, who can see me, who see how I act, who judge me. They cannot say anything, they watch, but they would most certainly tell me that what I am doing is ridiculous, shame me.

It is funny, really. I believe wholeheartedly that the reason this is such a core belief is from all those around us. From 8 onwards, certainly, has been a secondhand experience of the spiritual, paranormal, supernatural. Our mother experienced, and presumably still experiences it, firsthand. Our younger sibling appears to do the same. Our primary abuser most certainly engaged with such things. The two parental figures had refused our curiosity of a book that delved into such things. Even someone close to us, not familial, has experienced things firsthand that fall under such categories.

And yet we never have. Only theorized that perhaps things around us happen for such reasons. But never truly known, never witnessed directly.

I wonder if this voice, belief, telling me that there may be ghosts, spirits, entities I am unaware of that are judging me, if it is a manifestation of such things.

Naturally, I will also mention that this is something, a feeling, that often accompanied us when we were alone or not and wished to do things whilst living with mother. It is the reason we could never write, could not safely exercise. It projects shame and judgement.

Would it be uncouth to claim these are 🦊's doings?