#narf'snamakemonolife

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waaaaah im sad lately for no big reason

i am SO sad lately. oh my GOD. i feel like there’s some sort of bleak mass that’s settled within my stomach and won’t go away. i just wanna run about and scream and scream and scream! i can’t get into anything fun or interesting and i can’t motivate myself to do any work! and if that’s true, what can i do but just spin my wheels, sit here and feel bad and unable to change anything and hope it passes? i was doing so well for ages because i had something to do but now im so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

i miss school, but there’s no point focusing on that. i don’t know WHAT i can do at this point. i guess i need to find some goal to focus on, or maybe even try to figure out if there’s any distance work i can do... or call the mental health people and see if they can help me, i dunno. but it’s just so FRUSTRATING - you know when you’re not really sad for any specific reason (well, im probably actually sad about the pandemic in general to some degree, since it’s limiting my options. but i’m also just sad about being poor and not wanting to do all these works and stuff) and so you end up sad for EVERY reason? i wanna flail my limbs and rattle my bones!

all my hyperfixations have fallen out of my head and i’m left with basically nothing, too, or that sort of frustrating situation where you’re playing your games but you can really tell you’re just going through the motions, reading books and constantly being filled with this feeling of how sad stories all are, trying to look for happy things but not really quite able to absorb them. i could chat with people or try to come up with something but it all feels one step away from me, like no matter what i do it can’t punch through to have a lasting effect on the true me. not even my kitties are making me happy! what does it even mean when i can’t even feel joy from my lovely little cats, who have only happiness and friendliness and silliness to offer?!

i feel like i have to change something. like i have to start getting my life in order or finding some binding rule to aim at or, i don’t know, SOMETHING to obsess over. i’m so close. i want to find it. i want to be free of this MORASS i’ve found myself trapped in. i just want to escape this feeling? i want to live life, to feel joy, to be happy. could it be that i have SADS, i wonder, that struck the moment it started getting dark and cold what could it be, what could it be...

i’ve made little venty messages like this over and over the last, uh, week or so? has it been more than a week? good god, i can’t tell! good lord, it must have been like 10 days now. hrm. i think it definitely was starting as i read steel ball run just a bit ago, especially since the ending was so bittersweet. a combination of that, the pandemic, me doing my last day of election work and settling into having no idea what i’d do after that, having no money, not enjoying some games, aaaagh! what a boiler of madness! i’m reading men at arms by terry pratchett and sort of enjoying it, but i can’t help but feel a sort of sorrow, as if by the time i finish it i’ll have exhausted a vein (it’s one of the last watch books i haven’t read, ironically one of the very first even). and it just seems like i’m seeing the negative side of everything lately, for no real reason at all!

oh, how i want to be happy, how i want to feel better! i think trying to fix my sleep has helped, although an unfortunate attack of tooth decay related sinus nonsense has done its damnedest to harass me back down into hell today. i’ve been trying to watch the original yugioh, but i must admit it’s rather slow paced and as much as i’d enjoy the idea of trying to experience it and its sequels just for the nonsense aspects and curiosity regarding their plot, i am really wearing myself down beyond the brink of caring at some point. is it worth it? i’d like to be able to say it is, but dang, it’s tough too. maybe i need to give myself a break to wander about and find something interesting to look at.

i think something that happened recently is that i’ve fundamentally started finding a lot of stories i was once quite interested in and history itself to be extremely depressing! there was a time when this would never bother me, but alas, somehow it’d decided to do so. must be at least 10 days now, right? ohhhhhh, i wish to moan and flail my arms about and rattle in the wind like a copse of trees. but i cannot! oh, i cannot! i want to get out of the house and just walk around places! perhaps i’ll try to figure out somewhere i could do such a thing. i have songs i need to compose by the end of the month for my patreon, i have art i should try to make, alas, i have so much i need to do! if only i can drive myself to perform those things, and dredge myself out of this muck!

truly, depression is a most sickening thing. i will have to exert all forces available to me to escape it

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is it odd that i find teddie really irritating in persona 4 arena

like i mean i like his campaign the most but i feeL INCREDIBLY IRRITATED AND I DON'T REMEMBER BEING THIS IRRITATE DBY HIM IN THE NORMAL PERSONA 4???

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country anecdote 1: i was walking outside around midnight listening to music when i smell skunk and am like oh no. i take out my earphones and turn around and TWO GIANT WHITE THINGS ABOUT THIGH HEIGHT ARE MOVING IN THE DARKNESS. I SCREAM AND MOMENTARILY PANIC. I REALIZE THEY A DOGS

i run back to the house followed at a leisurely trot by two very large and happy white dogs. i am like   NO GO AWAY and eventually they turn away but they walk right up to my front door before i get them to leave

such is country life. animals just walk by all the time. this is how we have, in my life, obtained 2 kittens and 1 dog

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well, i was going to go to the store, but everything’s disappeared from my top left coat pocket, so i don’t have my keys. i know i unlocked the door, so i didn’t drop them elsewhere... but i don’t know where they went. probably fell out when i was laying down, i thought, but i can’t find them on the bed.

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ive seen dragonflies like this before and finally discovered they’re called the common whitetail skimmer after seeing one outside (my cat attempted to swat it lol)

the brown segments of their wings look really red when they fly around and its cool

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btw here is a fun adventure from our drive today

texas storms are fun, we all get to stop under overpasses on a highway and listen to the great weather robot screech and ramble over the radio

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angry post about losing something

im really angry

i lost my usb to mini usb wire somewhere, probably j2

so i cant fucking charge my mp3 playr

and i have no incentive to take fucking walks if i cant listen to music

i could try the jester lost and found, since apparently thats where they send stuff they find in j2

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T GET TO THE JESTER LOST AND FOUND UNLESS YOU LIVE IN JESTER!!!!!!

and they'd probably not have it anyway so why the fuck do i care.

might as well just order another one online because fuck it

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more life ranting doop

theres some things i find fun, and all of them are pretty much either stuff i dont want to do for a job (video game design sounds like a pain in the ass to get into) or stuff that im not really distinguished in (music et cetera) so it's always a bit of a drag to think about my future cause i know i've been handed a fairly good life and i feel like shit just squandering it? i fucked up calculus and i transferred out of nat sci so i cant even take the "hard job that i dont like but it pays for me to do stuff in my free time" box

i dont want to work shitty jobs all my life so that i never have time to do anything i want to do

hahaha.... i just

i want to make things other people like

and im afraid of ever doing anything on a payroll or for other people because it doesnt feel good enough, nothing ever does

i dont have the skill id need to feel good enough

im just really... im trying my best not to hate it, but i still feel like all my music is amateurish as hell and really mediocre

i wan want want to be good at things

its hard and i dont know what to do and i dont even really have guidance cause im too afraid to ask anyone and i dont know who to ask

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wells its aout time for me to sleep

good night everyone

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MY INTERNETS BACK PRAISE GRIMA I AM FREE FORM THE DAKRNESS HELLO MY INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER WENT DOWN IT WAS A DARK TIME

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my new years resolutions....

i want to be less worried about what others think about my work so im able to post up my creations without being afraid of people laughing at me or disliking it, so that i can get more practice and improve instead of constantly giving up all the time

i wanna get better at art and music, which means looking up tutorials and... asking people, i guess

and i want to pass all my classes again and try to avoid procrastinating, although procrastinating is gonna happen anyway so i might as well focus on the other things

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Gosh, I really don't know why I've been so anxious about friendships lately. Maybe it's because I have free time and so I feel like I should be doing more? Maybe it's because I'm finally trying to make public OCs again and I'm afraid of not keeping their quality high? I just feel like I need to try really hard to keep my current friend level lately for some mysterious reason.

:V Ah well, I'm not full on feeling terrible or anything, just kinda uncomfortable a lot and worried. It's very odd, man.

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so i was gonna mess around with setting up my bandcamp but all my complete .dmfs that i actually like are on my laptop so im just kinda :V oh well

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i dont feel very well

my mom cut my hair really short when i asked her to even it out...

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parents dragging me to churhc tomorrow morning :V

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im dying i had lik e 4 and a half slices of angel fo0od cake i lvoe that shit like i love life of my god