#nah if it were LJ 2010 there'd be a download link

[heartbreaknow]

The Christmas Tradition Of The Vintage Scully Fanmix

In January of 2011, I made a Dana Scully fanmix. I always struggled to find songs I felt really fit her, but I made a fanmix anyway, just for my own edification. At the time I figured I’d probably post it on my LJ when it was finished (because that’s a thing people did in 2011, posted fanmixes on their LJs). But then I guess I wasn’t happy with it, so I didn’t post it.

When Christmas of 2011 rolled around, I was wrapping presents on the floor of my childhood bedroom, and for some reason I decided to put my Scully fanmix on while I wrapped. It’s a deeply melancholy fanmix, so I’m not sure why I did it. It was probably because I loved Scully and Mulder in that bone-deep way that made them feel like family—like people you want to hold extra close to your heart during the holidays.  

So I put on my Scully fanmix, and enjoyed its deep, lingering melancholy as a soundtrack for my Christmas wrapping.

Notably, 2012 was the year I finally moved on to a new OTP, after five long years shipping almost exclusively Scully/Mulder. But when Christmas of 2012 rolled around and it came time to wrap presents—yet again on the floor of my childhood bedroom—I remembered the melancholic pleasure of listening to my Scully fanmix the previous year, and decided to make a repeat of it.

And so I have done every year since. Nine Christmases in a row I have wrapped presents and listened to my Scully fanmix (which in 2011 I titled Quite A Lovely Army, though if I were to title it now I’d probably title it something different). I never made any changes to it after that first year, even though I undoubtedly would make a ton of changes if I were to make a Scully fanmix now.

This Christmas would be the tenth year of the fanmix tradition, but this Christmas it just didn’t happen. I was organized this year; I had boxes to disguise my gifts, which allowed me to wrap them in the living room. And for some reason it just felt wrong to put on my Scully fanmix in the company of other people. So I guess this is the end of an annual tradition.

And that’s why this year I decided to post the darn thing.

It changed a bit, in that first year, as you can see by the fact that Not Only Human by Heather Nova is listed on the back cover art, but was later removed from the mix. Not sure why I removed it, to be honest. It’s a good one (and has the distinction of being used in a particular, much loved Scully fanvid from ye old days of 2004).

I was never convinced anyone would vibe with this mix but me, and after being out of the fandom for a decade, and actively forgoing S10 and S11, I’m all the more certain it is a fanmix with an audience of one. But after all these years, having finally broken the tradition, I wanted to give it a send off of some kind. And I thought, what better way to do that than to finally take the final step I neglected to take back in 2011, and post it? So here it is.

1. Hopeful Hearts by Sarah Slean 

Fiends and devils in the garden

Take their fill and leave me scarred

But I still have my secret weapon

This my brave and hopeful heart

Incidentally, this is also on my Peter Parker playlist. But a decade before that, it was one of my favorite Scully songs.          

 2. Wonderwall (instrumental) by The Vitamin String Quartet 

All the lights that lead us there are blinding, is a very X-Filesean line. I always particularly identified Wonderwall with S5 and S6. The word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out, makes me think of Mulder's doubt in S5, and his apathy and discouragement throughout most of S6.    

3. Notes From The Underground by Sarah Slean 

We're still out on the roof, howling at the moon

Exiled, another exile in the kingdom

Still out on the roof, I'm a dreamer too

Exiled, we are exiles, we two    

Mulder and Scully, the weirdos in the basement. Spooky Mulder and Mrs. Spooky—aka, the world’s leading paranatural cryptozoologist-pathologist*. Partners, first, last, and always.

*borrowing from Parabiosis by Penumbra

 4. Ordinary Life by Kristen Barry 

Heel to toe takes you from my side

In and out, every breath divides

My eyes to your head, I can't go the distance

But when you go you take me in an instant

Could be a CancerArc track, or a S8 and S9 track. Numbing pain and a sense of helplessness.

 5. Sound Of Water by Sarah Slean 

Sometimes the sword is so heavy

The pain has a ravenous mouth

In the pits of my own making

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever get out

Loosely anthemic, but it’s mostly the sound of this one that clinched it as a Scully track for me. Kind of spirited and refined at the same time.  

 6. Red Moon by David Gray 

I'm getting tired of

Being denied of

Things getting in my way

And if I'm quiet that's 'cause there's nothing left to say

Again, it’s more the sound and the emotion of this one than the lyrics specifically. Definitely post-William, though.

 7. My Invitation by Sarah Slean 

She has such an awful lot of soldiers

Quite a lovely army all her own

Night and day they stand before the fortress

Very safe but very all alone

Probably best suited to the CancerArc, particularly towards the end of S4, as things become increasingly grim.

 8. Falling Down The Mountainside by David Gray 

Without a word you set your sights into the sun

When all the world you put to rights is still so wrong

Pin your heart out on your sleeve

Spouting all that make believe

From your lips it seemed it might come true

Falling down the mountainside with you

This is the second of my two quintessential Scully tracks. I was originally going to have this be the last track, because in its own quiet way it's very comprehensive. But to end on such a fateful note, when it’s already such a sorrow-packed fanmix, felt wrong.  

 9. Kissing Song by Dawn Landes 

And it's meeting that will make them love sick

Distinctly a S7 track. This is a Scully song, to me, because it is focused on order and chaos: the unanswered phone, the unanswered knock at the door, the unacknowledged maelstrom outside. That's Scully's challenge not Mulder's—learning to embrace chaos and uncertainty in some situations.

 'Hidden' Track: No Place At All by Sarah Slean 

(One of my favorites on the mix, so of course I can’t find a link to the full song.)

Oh, look at me

Crying in my sleep

No one has to rescue me

It's plain to see

Could it be

I'm following this reverie

To nowhere and to nobody

To no place at all

The first time I heard this song I imagined Mulder and Scully conspiring together at the edge of a dance floor during some formal function they'd been ordered to attend. I imagined this song coming on, and somehow, with barely a word spoken, they end up falling into a (perfectly professional, hands-in-appropriate-places, but nonetheless achingly yearning) slow dance.

*