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loudsuitlover · 4 years

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Doctor Harry XXXII. The End of the Road

A/N: This is it folks! The end of the road... I want to thank you all for every message and for that, especially my love anon (now not anon anymore) because seriously you’ve been the wind blowing on my sail.

Also like I’ve said, I’m all in for blurbs into Harry’s and Indie’s life together so I might surprise you with some when you least expect them ;) Thank you thank you thank you

BLUE’S POV

My hands are sticky and trembling as I wait on the line. The dim lights really give the café such a cosy sense to it and the dark brown of the furniture and the bricks also make it look like you were inside an auburn tree. It also smells delicious, like cookies and cinnamon and berries deliciously mixed with the strong scent of coffee.

My heart stops beating as I stand before her with just the desk and the vintage looking cashier between us. She hasn’t yet looked at me when she asks.

“What would you like to have, dea-?”

Her tone dies down when her hazel eyes finally set on me and mine investigate hers as I swallow the lump in my throat.

“Indie.” She whispers.

I give her a timid smile. Dylan’s mum calls someone named Molly and asks her to take care of the cashier as she comes out from behind the desk. She’s wearing an apples-pattern apron tied around her waist and her hair, shorter now than ever, is barely coming out of a low ponytail on the back of her neck. She lets out what could be described as a nervous chuckle when she stands closer to me. I can tell she doesn’t know how to greet me so I give her a hug. Her arms wrap around me and I feel her sighing against my chest.

“Let me get us a cup of coffee and a muffin.”

I stand there watching her work and hold the cute lilac plate with the huge muffin when she tells me and she takes both our coffee cups with tiny plates underneath to a table near one of the windows. It’s raining outside but it’s nice to watch and hear the rain from inside the café. The fire is lit so it’s nice and warm inside too.

“The place looks lovely, Amalia.”

“Thank you.” She smiles. “You look stunning.”

I smile at her before I add some sugar to my coffee and stir it with my teaspoon. She does the same.

“It’s very nice to see you. This muffin right here is called Indie Blue.” She grins. “It’s got vanilla and blueberries.”

I nod and smile at her but I’m sure she can tell my eyes get teary. I don’t deserve this. The fact that after three years, Dylan’s mother still makes a muffin and names it after me, when all I’ve done is… Move on just breaks my heart.

“How are you, love?” She sets her hand over mine. “Tell me about Med school.”

“I’m good.” I lie. “Med school is fine. It’s getting harder every year but I like it more every year too so that’s good. I feel like we’re all growing up so fast though. I mean Olivia’s leaving, Jason too…”

It almost surprises me how I can still talk to her as if we were family. I guess in a way we are. We went through the loss of Dylan together. She helped me and I think I helped her too, so I think we will always be somehow connected.

“Where are they leaving?”

She grabs a fork and eats some of the muffin after she took the paper of it and I eye the fork she set in front of me. Her kind eyes don’t leave mine and she looks so much like Dylan, even though the colour of their eyes is different, the way they look is the same so I can’t look into her eyes for too long. They look at you as if you were the most interesting person in the room, it doesn’t matter what you’re saying, you can talk about garden dwarfs and still be interesting to them.

“Olivia’s going to Paris. She’s very excited. She wants to be a gynaecologist and she got an internship on the maternal unit so she’s very happy. And Jason’s going to the States. He’s only going to be gone for three months, thank God.” I chuckle.

“Not long.” She grins.

“What about you? How are you and Robert?”

“We’re good, yeah. Robert’s back on the road. He went back last year and I’ve been good, pretty busy with the café and the organisation.”

My eyes drop to the muffin between us when she mentions that and I take a forkful and bring it to my mouth.

“I’m also babysitting now. D’you remember the Holts next door?” I nod. “Well, they had a baby and I stay with her sometimes.”

“Nice. I bet she’s cute.”

“She is so cute, so chubby too.” She giggles.

I giggle and fear the moment when our conversation will die enough so that she would ask me why I came. I don’t need a reason to come see her and I could always say I just wanted to catch up with her, but this woman knows me like my Mum does and I know she knows there’s something I want to tell her.

She asks me about my Mum too but I know they still talk and she tells me about Caroline, Jess and Sean. She keeps in touch with them too and it’s nice to hear life’s good for them. Sometimes I’m sad I lost contact with them after Dylan’s loss but it was just too hard to see them. It was like I couldn’t stop thinking about who was missing.

“How are you, really, Blue?” She asks.

I know what she means. I take a deep breath. There goes nothing.

“I met someone.”

My voice croaks and I didn’t know the tears were so close to falling until they roll down my cheeks. I wipe them away and try my best not to sob and even though her eyes are teary too, her hand rests on mine again and her thumb caresses the back of my hand.

“I’m very happy for you.”

My eyebrows meet and I shake my head. I knew she would be.

“I just wish I could talk to him. I want to tell him I haven’t forgotten about him. I never will…” I let the tears roll down my cheeks. “I love him but… I’ve just been… So lonely and it’s been so hard and I wasn’t looking for him, he just… Showed up and… I don’t know, I guess you’re the closest thing I have to Dylan now… And I needed to take this off my chest, to explain myself to you, I… I wish he hadn’t died, I wish that every day, but he did and I have to stay here and live without him and I thought I had to that alone but… Maybe I don’t?”

“Indie, Robert and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. We love you. And so did Dylan, I know he did, but like you said, you have to live, darling.” She smiles. “He’d be happy.”

I can’t hold it in anymore so I hide my face behind my hands and full on cry. She brings a chair next to mine and wraps her arm around my shoulders and just let me cry like she has done so many times before.

“I miss him.” I confess. “There are so many things I want to tell him every day, you know. I want him to see that Coco’s in love, that I got an A in Paediatrics, that Rio is working at the bank.”

“He is seeing that.” Her arm squeezes me closer to her. “He’s taking care of us. I know you miss him, honey. So do I, but he would want us to go on.”

“Yes, I know.”

“He would be very proud of you. I hope you know that.”

“I just want him to know I love him, I always will, even if I love someone else. It doesn’t change who he is to me.”

“I know.”

She gives me some tissues and I cry over her son’s absence as she rests her cheek on my head and caress my arm. She’s always been a lot stronger than I am and she’s always been a rock to rest upon when I felt I couldn’t go on anymore. When I calm down enough, she sits back in front of me and gives me a small smile.

“Will you tell me about him?”

I can see him in her and somehow by telling her, I feel like I’m confessing it to him too.

“There’s not much to tell now” I raise my eyebrows “it didn’t work out.”

“What? Why?”

I shake my head and shrug as if I didn’t know why when I perfectly know what happened. I tell her a little about him though and she asks mum-like questions and even laughs at some of the stories I tell her.

After about an hour of chatting, we both call it a day and I go home to my dad and siblings. I didn’t tell them the real reason why Harry didn’t come. I told them he eventually got caught up with work and if they didn’t believe it they pretended they did.

The Golden Girls have been checking on me daily but even though I’m heartbroken, I’m somehow calmed. I talked to Amalia and I told Harry what I needed to tell him so I guess I just have this feeling of having been honest with everyone and I don’t feel guilty anymore.

I’m brushing my hair on my pyjamas after the shower when Ollie calls.

“Hi, babe” she chirps. “How is everything at Capitol? How’s your dad?”

“Good.” I tell her. “Yeah, he’s doing great. You wouldn’t tell he had an aortic dissection.”

We both chuckle.

“I knew it. Your dad’s strong like a bull.” She giggles.

“How are you?”

“I’m good. I got a call from Paris. Do you remember I did the interview on Skype?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, they just called me.” She sighs. “I got it.”

So she’s officially leaving. Oh, man, I’m going to miss her so much.

“Indie?”

“Yes.” I get my shit together. “Well, that’s great, Ollie! I’m so happy for you! I won’t lie to you, I’m going to miss you like crazy but I’m happy for you.”

“Maybe you don’t have to miss me…” She says.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I rejected it.”

“WHAT? Where does this change of heart comes from?”

“I don’t know… I’ve just been thinking… Paris is so far away…”

Oh, no. She’s as head over heels in love as I am… It must be the time for us Golden Girls…

“You did it for Mario, didn’t you?”

There’s a certain silence on her end but I can hear her breathing.

“Maybe.”

I smile.

“So you guys are like together for real?”

“Yes… Aren’t we?”

I chuckle.

“Oh, no, don’t ask me! Did you two talk about this? Does he know you took the internship down for him?”

“Of course not! I didn’t do it for him! Olivia Bassot doesn’t reject internships for anyone! I did it for myself.”

“Because you want to be with him.”

“That’s right but still it was for me, not for him.”

“Okay, yeah, great.” I laugh. “May I know what made you change your mind?”

She sighs.

“Actually, I don’t quite know. It’s just when they told me I got it, I wasn’t happy, you know? So I thought wait, I don’t have to go, I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.”

“That’s right.” I smile. “I won’t lie, Ollie, I’m fucking happy.”

She laughs.

“Me too, babe. Now I gotta go, I’m telling Mario tonight. Wish me luck.”

“What do you mean wish me luck? He’s gonna be thrilled!”

“He better.” She laughs. “Anyway, gotta go. Love you!”

“Love you.”

Well, at least there are some good news. Wrapped up on my thick woollen stay at home cardigan, I make my way downstairs where I guess my family awaits. Rio’s reading a book near the fireplace and Coco’s walking towards the door.

“Are you expecting someone?” She asks me.

I shake my head and stare at the door from the bottom of the stairs. My dad shows up at the kitchen door and tells me he made pumpkin and sweet potato cream and I’m about to thank him when my sister opens the door.

“Blue, look who’s here!”

My mouth and my eyes open wide. My heart beats hard and fast against my ribs and my breathing stops until I feel tingling all over my skin.

It’s Harry.

“Hello, Blue.”

I deflate like a balloon when I hear his voice and my breathing resumes. I almost have to hold on to the railing of the stairs so as not to fall. There he is, calm and unfaced, standing right next to my sister and looking stunning on blue jeans and a dark brown sweater underneath his opened grey coat. His hair is a messy mane of curls on top of his head but his warm signature dimply smile is nowhere to be found. That’s the only reason that I don’t run towards him and kiss him.

Hello, Blue. No hello, baby or hello, love. Hello, Blue. Anyone here in Capitol could have said that… But he’s here. He’s cold, but he’s here. That’s already something and I don’t know why I’m complaining.

“Oh, Harry!” My dad walks towards him and offers him his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Blue said you got caught up with work.”

His green eyes search for mine before he looks back at my dad. I don’t know what he’s thinking.

“I was indeed caught up with work but… I got off the hook last minute.”

“That’s great! Isn’t that great, Blue? But get in here!” My dad urges me. “Greet him, honey.”

I clear my throat and run a hand through my hair as I walk closer to him. Harry doesn’t take his eyes off me but he’s seemingly unaffected by my presence. I’m afraid of his greeting. If he flinches I might cry. I don’t know whether he read my note or not but if he did, I don’t know why he’s acting so cold and if he didn’t, I don’t know why he’s here.

Coco’s closed the door after him and I see a small trolley behind him. My heart warms up at the thought that he came to stay. When I get to him, the habit takes the best of me and my lips search for his but he discreetly pulls his face away and instead gives me a hug. I don’t know if he did it out of respect for my dad or because he didn’t really want to kiss me. Something tells me it’s the second.

His hug is short and superficial and when he pulls away I feel like crying. His green eyes avoid staring into my own and I wonder if he came all the way here just to torture me with his coldness and distance. As I turn around, I see Rio standing a few feet behind me.

“This is my brother, Rio. Rio, this is Harry.”

“Hi, mate.” Rio shakes his hand and Harry gives him a lips closed smile.

When my brother pulls apart, Coco slips her thin, woollen covered body and gives Harry a hug. He gives her a dimply smile and I feel jealousy burning on my belly. What is he doing? That smile was for me!

“I’ll put another plate on the table.” Dad smiles.

My siblings follow him inside the dining room and Harry and I both hear the drawers opening and closing and plates and glasses being placed on the table.

“How did you know where my dad lives?” I whisper to him.

“I asked Olivia.”

With that he walks inside the dining room and I hear him asking Coco how he can help. Wait, so Olivia knew he was coming and she didn’t tell me anything? I literally just talked to her!

At least during dinner I get to sit next to him even though I doubt it was his choosing but rather where he was supposed to sit. I feel clumsy with my cutlery as I try to cut the steak. My Dad’s been asking Harry and me questions all dinner and Harry’s answered those about himself but has let me answer the ones about our relationship so he doesn’t have to tell everyone we’re nothing now, I guess.

My dad brings homemade yoghurt to the table and even after the sweetening effect of my dad’s dessert, Harry’s still distant and cold but he only punishes me. He’s all smiles and cavalry to my family and even Rio seems to like him.

“And Harry” Rio asks “do you know my sister Coco’s boyfriend?”

Coco rolls her eyes and blushes and Harry chuckles.

“Yes, I do.” He nods. “His brother works with me. They’re nice guys, good people.”

“Cool.” Rio nods. “Podrías traerlo tú también a casa, Coco.” (You could bring him home too, Coco.)

“Sí, claro. Harry es mayor que tú. No es lo mismo. El está a salvo porque no podrías con él, pero Guido tiene 21, como Blue. Te lo comerías con papas.” (Yeah, right. Harry is older than you. It’s not the same. He’s safe because you couldn’t take him but Guido is 21, likewise Blue. He’d have nothing to do.)

I don’t think Harry’s understand most of it, but I’m sure he got the part of Harry’s older than you and Guido’s 21 and he’s smart enough to figure out the rest.

Harry’s phone screen illuminates as he gets a text and my heart gets warm when I realize he at least hasn’t change his lock screen photo. I can’t help the grin.

“You didn’t send me that picture of the wedding.” I half whisper to him.

“Did you see them?”

“So there’s more than the one…”

He lets out a little giggle that warms my insides and makes me feel like a teenager.

“You meant my lock screen, right?”

I nod.

“Who took it?”

“The photographer. I think he had a thing for you.” He smirks. “He took lots.”

I look down at my empty yoghurt bowl and smirk. I think that was progress. Baby steps, but it’s better than the cold stare and the minimum hug he gave me when he got here.

After dinner, Dad moves the party to the living room and we all take seats on the couches and the armchairs by the fireplace. Harry doesn’t pay attention to me but my family doesn’t find it weird, mostly because they haven’t really seen us together before, but also because Dad and Rio seem so invested into learning about him. They find him as interesting as I do and I think Harry is at ease too, despite all the questioning. I can tell by his body language that he’s grateful for the way my family welcome him. His eyes avoid mine, but I can tell there’s gratitude on them too and I wonder if he’d ever look at me like he used to.

Dad gets up from his armchair and walks towards the record player and Rio and him start a conversation about which album to play. I take it as my chance to have Harry to myself so I jump from my spot on the coach and sit down next to him. His eyes warn me not to sit too close and most importantly not to touch him, so I keep my hands to myself despite my yearning.

“Are you okay?” I whisper.

“Yes, I am. How are you?”

His interest both surprises and softens me and my heart flutters with hope.

“I’m happy you came.” I confess.

“I’m happy you invited me.”

His words are conciliatory but his tone is still dry and I can’t read his expression. His body is tensed though.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“I never said I wasn’t.”

I snort. He’s impossible. We both fall into silence after that and I wait for him to explain himself but he never does so I speak again.

“Are you going to talk to me?”

“I am talking to you now.”

“Harry, please.” My bottom lips come out of its own accord. “Can you stop torturing me?”

His jaw clenches and he looks ahead, away from me. I swallow my willing to yell at him and look down at my feet. I feel belittled and abandoned and I hate that he’s so close and so far away.

“I… Did you read my note?”

Only then he tilts his neck so he’s facing me. His green eyes look at me and for the first time since he arrived, I can see the battle inside him. I can see the part of him who wants to forgive me, maybe there’s even a part that already has; but he’s still holding back. I can work with that, I can respect that.

“I am sorry. I already wrote that to you but I can say it out loud in front of my family if you want. I’ll do anything, please. Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”

“I don’t want you to do that or to keep apologizing, even.”

“Then what do you want?”

I watch him blink. I can tell he’s flabbergasted. He probably wasn’t expecting this behaviour from me and quite frankly neither was I but after talking to Amalia and after getting the peace I needed, I need him to know I would really do anything to take back all the pain I’ve caused him.

“I want you to be fully honest with me and to be yourself for real.”

“Pardon?”

“No more lies, no more hiding things.” He whispers. “You tell me the truth and you tell me what worries you and you tell me when you’re scared and you tell me why. I’ll do the same. I think it’s a fair deal.”

I swallow. I can do that. I meant it when I said I’d do anything. If that’s what he wants, then that’s what he’ll get. I just hope he won’t run away when he hears it all.

“When are you planning on saying it to my face?”

I almost laugh. Is he serious? He came all the way here just to hear me say that? I didn’t think he would want to hear me say it with such fervour. Isn’t it obvious? Is it not enough to show it? Is it not best to show it? I would rather have someone never telling me they love me but showing me every day that the other way around.

But okay, I can do that too. If he wants me to say it that bad, then I’ll say it… But in my own way. From the corner of my eye, I can see my dad’s still busy with the records and Rio’s back on his book and Coco’s on the phone. No one’s paying attention to us. So I get closer to him and I act brave despite the fear of his rejection. He frowns but he gets visibly nervous and he doesn’t flinch and he doesn’t pull away so I keep getting closer, like a kitten, and his eyes drop to my mouth. My lips look for his and Harry relaxes his face and for a moment it seems his guard is down and his lips part. His pupils are dilated and his eyes are set on my lips.

“Blue! I got an A on my essay!” Coco celebrates.

Fuck you, Coco! I mean- good for you but fuck your timing! Harry pulls away from me and I straighten my back despite the way my chest deflates. I give my sister a smile.

“Enhorabuena, hermana.” (Congratulations, sister.)

Dad and Rio congratulate her and ask her on her essay, as if they would understand anything of her engineering, and I try to gain back my reconciliation with Harry but he pulls back this time.

“Wait, Blue.” He whispers. “I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t touch you until you figure your shit out.”

Great. That could take years, genius.

It shouldn’t make me so frustrated. I remind myself of a dog in heat or one of those men that get mad when women reject them at bars. I frown and straighten my back so I sit farther away from him, but after a second I can’t take it anymore.

I stand up and without saying a word I make my way upstairs. Harry’s been all talkative to my family and ignoring me all night, they can show him to his room now or give him conversation. I don’t care anymore.

When I climb the stairs, I open the door to the balcony and make my way outside. It’s freezing out here before the mountains, so I turn on the heater and wrap one of the blankets on the basket between the couches around my body. Looking to the side, I can see my part of the balcony, the one that belongs to my room, and I remember last time I was here, when I sat there with Jason and we talked and talked about Harry and about Dylan and about the same fucking story once and again.

It was all for nothing. After all, it was all for nothing. I tortured myself with the thought that I was leaving Dylan behind, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt guilty and couldn’t recognize myself and all for what? All to be now sitting down all alone because the man who turned everything into a fucking mess doesn’t even want to touch me.

I hear the balcony door opening and my sister’s soft voice almost whispering she’s here and the next thing I hear are footsteps coming my way. The door closes and Harry stands beside me.

“It’s bloody freezing in here.”

I nod but don’t dare to look at him.

“Baby”

His tone sounds tired but the nickname makes my heart flutter. My eyes search his, desperately, and I think he’s done with giving me the hard look and the cold façade. I don’t like that Harry, that’s not him. Harry is kind and understanding and a good listener. He’s not harsh and hard and cold. That’s me.

“I think I’m acting like such a spoiled brat.” I confess. “You’re just giving me a taste of my own medicine and I don’t fucking like it. I didn’t really need you to show me how insufferable I am though. I already knew that.”

He sighs.

“Can we go somewhere alone and not freezing?” He asks. “We need to talk.”

I look into his eyes. He’s standing tall right next to the heater and I’m sitting down with my knees to my chest and the blanket around me. My heart is pounding on the back of my throat and I can feel my pulse on my brain.

“I love you.”

The words come out clean and clear, despite my nervousness, and my eyes don’t leave his until the weight of them fall upon us. That’s the first time I have ever said that to a man different than Dylan, that’s the first time I’ve meant those words in a romantic way after him. I can’t yet read him. He’s just looking at me and I don’t know whether on the inside he’s grinning or whether he’s about to cry.

“Isn’t that what you wanted to hear?” I am whispering now and I guess all my strength and my bravery have gone with those three words that got no answer.

“Is that why you said it?” He raises his eyebrows.

“No” I look down at my knees and think I’m about to cry “I said it because it’s true. I already wrote it down for you.”

He offers me his hand. I don’t understand his silence or why he is barely moving but I take his hand and he gives me a timid smile.

“Will you show us to your room?”

I leave the blanket a mess on the basket and walk with him towards my room. My dad played Miles Davis downstairs but I can still hear the fire and the keyboard of somebody’s laptop.

Once in my room, I take a deep breath and try not to think of what happened here before I met Harry. I try not to see Dylan on my bed, I try not to listen to his voice making fun of me for my decorations. Harry has a look around but he stands right there and he doesn’t move until I tell him he can.

“After your boyfriend passed away” he starts.

I feel my shoulders tensing and my breathing catching on my throat. No, no, no, no. I can feel his green eyes on me, studying me carefully, but I can’t look back at him.

“Did you go to therapy?”

I swallow. I don’t know why it is so hard to talk about this yet I manage to nod.

“How long for?”

“Two years.”

I see him nodding his head before he sighs. I guess he’s figuring out I’m actually really broken. I suppose if I hadn’t been to therapy, then he could hold onto that and he could say well she’s crazy now but she’ll get better but I bet after knowing I am actually the product of two years of therapy, he might give up.

“You said I wasn’t your second boyfriend. How long did you stay with him for?” I don’t answer. “How long ago was this?” He gives me some time to answer but I am still silent. “Why did you two break up?”

I am embarrassed to tell him and I don’t know why that’s even important. Javier is not something that bothers me. He’s in the past and I don’t think he has left any trauma in me and even if he did, Harry doesn’t have to worry about that. He is nothing like him and not even for a second have I doubted that.

“You’re not gonna speak?”

I want to fix things with him and I want to give him what he wants from me but I am embarrassed.

“Say something.”

“I don’t want to sleep here.”

The second I step out of the room, everything seems easier. I hear him taking a deep breath and sighing deeply before he follows me and when we enter the guest room in a second he’s behind me. His proximity covers my skin with goosebumps because I can feel his breathing against my ear shell and I can smell his scent and I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my mouth.

“When you found out about my shit you shut me out and I chased you day and night so you would let me explain. You were mad and, despite the way you treated me, I didn’t stop until I got you to listen to me because you’re important to me and I care. Now, you’re the one who’s hid something from me and instead of getting mad, I’m here, trying to get you to talk to me and you can’t even look me in the eyes.”

His proximity disappears as fast as it arrived and all he lets me se is his back as he sits down on the edge of the bed. I swallow and don’t know what to do. I look at him before my eyes set on our reflection on the glass of the window. He is looking down so he can’t see it but I can see us two and all of a sudden it’s like I know what to do.

Harry doesn’t deserve my silence. I owe him. I owe him a lot, even if he doesn’t know that, because in the last five months, I have laughed a lot more often and a lot harder and I have respected myself and I have actually wanted things. He gave that back to me and he deserves to see me, he deserves to know me and if after that he wants to leave, then I will take that but he will know who I really am.

I take a sit on the bed and cross my legs so my ankles hid underneath my thighs. I have never done this before outside of therapy and I don’t even know where to start. I take a deep breath.

“I met Dylan in this house when I was fifteen years old. Until then I had just been a posh spoiled girl like you thought I was when we met and, to be fair, I think if it hadn’t been for him, you would have been right on every stupid assumption you made about me that day in your kitchen.” I swallow.

“We started dating a year later but really I think I fell for him the very same night we met. I’ve had a… happy life. I mean before the accident. My childhood was good, my family never struggled and I was loved and wanted. I think I’ve always had everything I’ve wanted and still before I met Dylan I always felt like I was never in the right place. It was an uneasy feeling but I just never felt like I belonged anywhere. And then… He gave me that.

He didn’t think of me as a spoiled rich girl, he saw me and to him I was just… Indie. And he made me feel like the most interesting person in the world. I told him once when I was little my friends’ mothers wouldn’t let me play with Rio and the rest of the boys so I never learnt to climb a tree and he took me to his grandparents’ house and had me climbing to this huge tree on their backyard before he got the ladder down from his tree house.” I giggle nervously and hear Harry snorting a chuckle too.

He has turned around and is now staring at me and he’s silent but his body language has completely changed. I have his undivided attention.

“He was my first everything. My first love, my first boyfriend, my first best friend, my first time… And also my first fight, my first heartbreak and my first reconciliation and I guess… There was a part of me who wanted him to be the last too.”

I bit my bottom lip so it stops trembling and Harry patiently waits in silence until I get my voice back.

“When I left for Uni, he stayed in Capitol. His dad had cancer and his mum had to work so he decided to postpone Uni for a year or two until things got better. I admired him for that but then…” My eyes look away but now that I’ve started it’s like I can’t stop. “He changed. He became short-tempered and harsh and we started fighting a lot. I think he felt as if his life was stuck among cancer and poorly paid jobs while mine was moving forward and getting better and I was having fun when he was… I think he felt as if I have abandoned him and in a way, I…”

My face contorts and my throat closes on me to the point where my voice and my breath get stuck inside. I feel pain and guilt and embarrassment choking me and my eyes shut as hot, salty tears roll down my cheeks.

“I did.” I confess. “I was tired of being sad. Whenever I saw him, we ended up fighting and I saw my friends and everyone around me living their best lives and going to parties and I was just the girl with the sad boyfriend and I…” I shake my head. “I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.”

I take a deep breath.

“One day he came to see me and we had a fight and he left for hours. When he came back…” I lick my lips dry after all the talking. “He was high. That was the first time I saw him like that but then it all started to make sense: his mood-swings, his depression, his irritability… I tried helping him.” I wipe my tears and sob before I clear my throat. “I talked to his mum, to my parents, to his friends, to him… I asked for all the help I could get but… He wanted me to go with him to one of his new friends’ party. I didn’t like those people and I was trying to get him away from them because they all smoked and he wasn’t acting himself when he was around them…”

I swallow again but the lump in my throat is getting bigger and bigger and harder to swallow.

“So he went alone. I was in Grad. It was me who called him. I felt bad that I hadn’t gone with him to the party, even if they were the wrong crowd, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do to be there for him… And… He was driving.”

I dare to look at Harry then. His green eyes meet mine but I can’t take it. It’s hard enough to tell the story, doing it under such intense stare would be impossible.

“I lost it.” Even if I had wanted to look into his eyes, everything gets blurry before me now as a new army of tears rolls down my cheeks again. “I begged him to stop the car, I yelled at him, I… I even said if he didn’t then I’d break up with him.” I sob. “And he was mad and he yelled back and then… I heard the crash.”

I stop and my eyes set on the wall. Harry’s hand gently rests on my knee and it surprises me that my body doesn’t react to it. My mind wasn’t expecting that and yet my body seems to be so used to his touch, it didn’t flinch or even jump.

“The doctors said he died on the spot so the last thing he heard before dying was a threat.”

I look at him expecting to find the judgement on his eyes. Maybe he’s disgusted by me. Maybe he thinks I’m a terrible person and he doesn’t want to see me again. But all I find is pain and sorrow and love. I frown.

“I was depressed for six full months after that and when I started talking again, I started going to therapy. I wish I were dead too.” I admit.

I can see the pain flashing through his green eyes but he lets me talk. He doesn’t shush me or tells me don’t say that and I love him for that. He lets me say and he lets me feel and I know he didn’t want me dead but he gives me this moment, he gives me this silence, these words. He lets me owe them.

“And somehow I was; some part of me was. I thought I was never going to feel even remotely close to how I felt when he was with me. For years I felt like I didn’t want anything. I just did things, but I had no desires. I wasn’t hoping for anything or even trying anything… I was just waiting… And it might sound ungrateful or selfish but I honestly was just waiting for the day I die. I felt like some part of me was already dead.

When I met Javier I wasn’t much better than that. It had been almost two years since Dylan’s accident and I guess I just wanted to feel something. We met at a club and fucked the same night and after that he was sweet at the beginning, I thought he was protective but really he was just jealous, possessive and controlling. He was… Bad. He was an abuser and he came across someone dead inside so he could do anything because I didn’t care and he did. He made me feel disgusting and fat and lazy and powerless but I guess in a way it was what I wanted. I have tortured myself for what happened to Dylan for years now. I feel guilty for not having been there for him enough… I guess part of me thought I deserved Javier to some extend… Until one day he tied me up to the headboard of the bed and left me there for three hours.”

Harry’s eyes horrified at that. His nostrils flare and his jaw clenches but he still doesn’t say anything. I swallow and go on.

“I was done with men when I met you but you…” My voice croaks but I want to tell him. I think this is the most important part. “You said I could have blue cheese” I chuckle nervously and so does he “and I… I wanted to see you.” I don’t know why I’m crying now but I feel salty tears on my mouth and my voice croaks all the time. “I hoped you would be in your coffee break when I went to the cafeteria. I mean at the beginning it was just… Orgasms.” He laughs. “But even then, I felt… Alive. I felt my heart beating and the air on my lungs and I felt my blood rushing through my veins and then it was all the time. You look at me and my pulse accelerates and when you’re close my breath gets stuck on my throat and I don’t know what to say and my skin gets covered in goosebumps and my stomach does somersaults…”

I have barely taken a breath while telling him all that but now he’s blushing and his lips can’t help the small smile and his dimple is out and for a moment I thought I would never make him smile like this ever again.

“So… I got scared.” I shrug. “I got scared that I was forgetting about Dylan. I didn’t want to leave him behind. You know, I’ve… I’ve never been able to go to his grave. I don’t think I can see his gravestone.” My voice breaks and Harry’s hand moves from my knee to my shoulder. “I don’t… I can’t remember his voice.” I sob. “I could hear him on tape but I think it would make me depressed again.” I let the lump in my throat win for a second before I fight it again. “I just want to be able to remember him without feeling my heart break into a million pieces. I mean how long does grieving take? It’s been three years and I can’t talk about him.”

“Come here.”

I let Harry pull me to him and in crying to him about Dylan I find a comfort I never thought possible. His hand carefully and lovingly rub my back and his lips press soft kisses against my hairline. I don’t know how long for he lets me cry but he only pulls away when I’m sniffing and my breathing has gone back to normal.

His green eyes investigate mine for long seconds before he takes a deep breath and speaks.

“I don’t know how to say what I want to tell you without sounding harsh.”

I purse my lips. I don’t know either but I get ready to hear it. I know this is too much. He already said I had to figure my shit out before I was in a relationship and he didn’t even know all this shit so now he’s gonna leave for good. I understand. I wouldn’t wanna be with me either.

“When you were depressed, I suppose Coco was there for you, right?”

I nod but frown. I do not know where he’s going with this.

“Did that make you feel better?”

“Of course.”

“Did that heal you?”

I frown. I guess… Not. My doctor healed me, I healed me. Coco just loved me.

“You can’t love someone out of depression, Blue.” He states. “What happened to Dylan was a terrible accident and it’s normal that with accidents we always feel as if they could have been somehow prevented but that doesn’t help anyone.” He sighs. “Death is terrible but it’s also a part of life. We all have to die. Dylan was taken too soon and I can’t imagine what that felt like, baby… Really, I am amazed that you went through that and that you… survived that and came out this… Incredible.” His eyebrows raise on his forehead as his head shakes, as if he really was amazed. “And I am sorry for what I said to you. I wish I had known this sooner but I also wish I could take back the moment where I blamed you for your… Things. This is fucking hard and I wish I could tell you how long grieving takes but I don’t know, love. Yet you don’t have to do this alone.”

My heart restarts and my eyes search for the trap.

“You’re not going to leave?”

“Where?”

“I…” I shrug. “I thought this was going to scare you away.” I frown. “That you’d realize I have deep severe issues and you would just walk away.”

Harry frowns and it’s the first time a gesture of contradiction wakes butterflies up in my belly.

“Sometimes I don’t know who you take me for--.” He shakes his head. “I love you, Blue. And I want to see you happy. I love seeing you smile and laugh and I feel… Important when I make you laugh. You’re intelligent and kind and funny and mesmerising and beyond gorgeous and… So young, love. Why would I ever want to walk away from that?”

My eyes move frantically between his and I choose not to ask him whether he really thinks that. I decide I’ll try to believe him. He shakes his head. I think he can read my mind.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.” He smirks. “Could you please tell me what would be of your friends without you? Do you think Mario and Olivia would be together if it wasn’t because of you? Do you think Marie would have dared to go out with Adam? And what would be of Jason? You helped him get out of an abusive relationship. Do you know how hard that is?”

I guess he’s right. I do contribute on The Golden Girls.

“And what about me?” He chuckles. “You make me not hate myself.”

His green eyes bore into mine after he said that and I know the nodding of his head is just a way to try and swallow the lump on his throat. I can see the tears he’s holding back now.

“Before I met you, I was just waiting too and now I want to live and I want to love you and you’re gonna let me.” He persuades me so I giggle.

“Promise me you’re gonna let me.” He whispers.

“I promise.” I smile.

He nods, satisfied with my answer, and we both stare at each other smiling despite all the emotions we just shared.

“I don’t know how long it’s gonna take for you to be able to remember Dylan without feeling your heart breaking... But what I do want you to know is that I don’t think you need to stop loving him to love me or anyone else.” He shrugs. “I mean... When I think about widows remarrying, I never think of it as a bad thing, I don’t think it means forgetting... It just means... Your heart is big enough to love twice.” He smirks.

I let the tears roll down my cheeks and meet my lips.

“I don’t know why I thought you’d... Like... Not understand.” I shake my head. “I thought you might even get jealous.”

He frowns, like I was speaking some foreign language and it’s his little understanding that makes me smirk despite my tears.

“Getting jealous of that is like... I’m afraid it’s literally sick.”

I even chuckle.

“You’re strong and wonderful” he says “and I have no doubt you’ll get there. I hope it’s me the one you tell about Dylan without having your heart breaking too.” He smiles.

My lips are curled into a timid smile but my head is shaking because there’s a part of me that’s beyond happy, there’s another part of me that’s heartbroken, there’s another part that can’t believe someone this kind can exist; and in the midst of all these feelings, my mind doesn’t have control over my body anymore.

“I love you.”

I let my lips hug every syllable and my heart own every word. Harry’s lips curl until he’s grinning and I think I’ll tell him I love him every morning if he’s going to look at me like that.

I am not scared anymore.

I feel liberated and I love this man in a way that makes my heart skip every second beat. For the first time in three years, I feel like there’s not a single part of me that’s not full of life and love and plans and hope and calm.

“I love you too. And now get ready because I’m going to kiss you.”

The air leaves my lungs through a desperate smile as his hands rest on the mattress next to my thighs and he gets closer to me.

“I’m ready.”

#harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles one shot #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles au #harry styles and reader #harry styles love #harry styles #harry styles new

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capsfirestarter · 5 years

Text

Owen’s Change of Heart: An Owen Shaw Love Story Part 9

Pairing: Owen Shaw x Original Female Character

Time line: after Fate of the Furious and Hobbs & Shaw

Warning: None

Word Count: 1591

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update this story, life got pretty busy recently but I will try my best to update for the next parts.

Part 9:

It’s been a few days since Owen proposed to me and I found out I was pregnant. I was in the living room with Mia, Letty, and Ramses looking at wedding planning books while Brian, Dom, Owen, Tej, and Rome were talking in the kitchen. I was looking at a magazine for wedding dresses when I started to feel sick and rushed to the bathroom to throw up. Owen quickly noticed this and followed behind me pulling my hair into a ponytail and rubbing my back. I finally stopped throwing up and Owen helped me up while he flushed the toilet.

“Let’s get you some ginger ale and take a break from the wedding planning alright.” Said Owen

“Why are we planning the wedding now when we don’t have a date set yet?”

“That was what I was talk to your brothers as you like to call them. Well except for Brian since he is your adoptive brother.” Said Owen

“Hey Owen, is Care okay?” Said Mia

“She’s alright now but she needs some ginger ale though.” Said Owen

“Alright I can get that for her while you get her comfortable on the couch cause the rest of us want to do something special for you two.” Said Mia

“Thank you, Mia.” Said Owen

“Anything to help my sister in law and future brother in law.” Said Mia

Mia went to get me some ginger ale while Owen helped me back into the living room. I was feeling a little bit lightheaded but when I looked up, I seen Hattie, Deckard, Magdalene, Hobbs, and Mr. Nobody in the huge living room with everyone else.

Owen and I looked a bit confused before Letty went to say something.

“I know that you two are confused but since you two are getting married probably before the baby is born. We all decided to give you a small engagement party here since there’s plenty of room.” Said Letty

“Thank you, all of you. Now I know some of you had a hard time accepting Owen into this mixed family of ours, but what I did for him and his family was for a reason. I had to give up my life as a nurse in order to help protect Owen from Cipher because of what she forced him to do. Mr. Nobody isn’t the only one with friends in high places because you see, Magdalene offered me a job after I had Owen and I pardoned for what we did in the past as her personal bodyguard. After a while of working for her, she offered to buy this building for me to open my shop and build this loft above it. We all done some pretty messed up shit in our lives, but we must move on from it and go on with our lives. Now I’m going to marry the one person I can’t live without as well as having his child. I really couldn’t ask for anything else but to have my family here to celebrate. To family.”

“To family.” Everyone said all together

As we were eating and enjoying the celebration, Letty came up to me with a smile on her face. I was a bit confused until Owen nudged me to go with her.

“Go on love, she has something for you.” Said Owen

“Okay Owen.”

I went with Letty and followed her into my bedroom that I now share with Owen. I looked a Letty when she pulled out a big box from under the bed. I walked up to Letty and stood next to the bed.

“Dom and I were going through some old boxes a few days ago to make room for little Brian’s bedroom when I found my old wedding dress from when Dom and I got married in Mexico before I lost my memories. I want you to wear it since it will be big enough for when you start showing.” Said Letty

“Oh my god, Letty, thank you. Now I need something old, something new, and something blue.”

“Care, you truly have changed Owen’s heart and mind because when I knew him, he was nothing but a cruel heartless person. But after we all found out that he was forced to do what he did, I started to feel sorry for him. Now he has you and a new baby on the way, but as your sister in law, I want you to be careful during this pregnancy since it’s your first child.” Said Letty

“I will. Owen and I decided to hold off on having sex for a while.”

“Are you two sure you can wait a whole 9 months before having sex again?” Said Letty

“We can handle it.”

“Letty, Care, hurry up or we’re starting to party without you!” Said Rome

“We’re coming so shut your big ass mouth, Roman!”

Letty and I went back to the others. When we got to the others, I stood next to Owen, who wrapped an arm around my waist and placing a hand protectively over my stomach. We all chatted with each other until Mr. Nobody came up to Owen and I.

“Well I never thought that anyone could change Owen’s heart to do the right thing but Caroline, you got yourself one lucky man and congratulation on the new baby. I know you two will care, love, and protect your child.” Said Mr. Nobody

“Mr. Nobody, if it wasn’t for Care taking care of me while I was recovering in the hospital and helping my brother and I with getting Dominic’s son back from Cipher, I would have never saw the light of things.” Said Owen

“I made a good impression on him and his family when I took down Cipher.”

“That you have, Caroline. How has the morning sickness been treating you?” Said Magdalene

“I have my days, but Owen makes sure that I take it easy.”

“Well that’s good to know that my youngest son is taking care of his future wife and soon to be mother of his child.” Said Magdalene

“Magdalene, I don’t mean to sound rude but if you are going to start doubting Owen’s ability of being a husband and a father then you’re going to be walking on thin ice cause, I will not tolerate disrespect in my home.”

Everyone looked at me in silence and in shock from what I said to Magdalene. Magdalene just smirk and gave me a hug which made me confused. I looked at Owen to see a smile on his face when Magdalene pulled away.

“You kept proving yourself worthy of being in this family every day.” Said Magdalene

“I don’t put up with no one’s bullshit. Isn’t that right, Dom?”

“That’s right. When Brian first became a criminal by letting me go, Care just got out of high school, but Mia wanted to help her get into Med School, so Care stayed at our house with Mia. Care had a hard time in school because of what Brian did so when we did the heist in Rio, Han and Gisele taught Care on how to defend herself.” Said Dom

“Now that’s impressive, but where did she get the ability to smash someone’s head in with a candle stick holder?” Said Magdalene

“When I have so much anger and rage towards someone for a long time and I can’t handle it anymore, I lash out on that person and become violent.”

“Well, now you and Owen can be happy.” Said Hattie

“It better stays that way. I want everything to be perfect for our wedding. I may have an idea of when we should have the wedding. Let’s have the wedding three months from today.”

“That’s perfect, love. Brian, I know that have caused a lot of pain for you and your family, but your sister has shown me that there’s more to life then living a life a crime. You may not be able to fully forgive me for that, but maybe we could get along for Care’s sake as well as our new baby on the way.” Said Owen

“As long as you don’t hurt my sister in any way then I’m fine with calling you my brother in law.” Said Brian

After we all relaxed and opened the gifts that everyone brought, Owen made me a nice relaxing bath with candles lit on the counter by the bathroom sink. I had Owen massage my shoulders and back before helping me out of the bathtub. Owen wrapped my robe around me and helped me to the room.

“Go lay down on the bed while I pick out a movie for us to watch. I know it’s okay to have sex while pregnant, but I want you to get over the morning sickness before we try to do that again.” Said Owen

“I completely understand your concern Owen, but right now I want to focus on planning our wedding and making appointments for my pregnancy.”

“I know. We can just go to bed if you’re tired.” Said Owen

“I want to get some rest right now. We’ll figure out things in the morning.”

“Okay, love.” Said Owen

Owen and I got under the covers and cuddled up to each other. I was laying on my side with a hand on my stomach and Owen’s arm top of my hand. Owen gave me a kiss on top of my head before going to sleep.

“Good night, Owen. I love you.”

“Good night, Caroline. I love you too.” Said Owen

@lukeevansandjdmobession

#luke evans #luke evans owen shaw #owen shaw #owen shaw x oc #owen shaw x care #fast and the furious #fate of the furious #hobbs and shaw

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motherlifesucher-archives · 8 years

Text

In The Name of Jealousy l Shawn Mendes Imagine

(a/n): famous (y/n) is back, yay! thank you to the anon who requested this! Had a great time writing it <3.

prompt: Martin Garrix is (y/n)’s ex, and Shawn isn’t too fond of him after they find each other at Capital’s Jingle Bell Ball.

Shawn knew the hottest DJ in the world had been your boyfriend for almost two years.

He knew he was your first serious relationship, and that you had fallen in love with him, and that you had been absolutely heartbroken when you both had decided to end things due to you never being together, since Martin’s schedule was way crazier than yours, because one day he was in Miami, then on a plane to Ibiza, then to India, then to the Netherlands, to finish his week in Rio. After that you promised yourself to never have a relationship with someone from the industry again, but your words were long forgotten after you met Shawn, who was the sweetest person you had ever met and made it very hard for you not to fall for him.

He was aware of your past, and he dealt with the constant comparisons the media and the fans made between him and your ex, though it did bother him when people brought up that Martin’s latest single, In The Name of Love, was inspired on you, and though the song had been done for a long time, he had just dropped it now, making media talk about how he wasn’t over you and things, but deep down he knew you were head over heels for him and no one was going to change that.

Though Shawn had to admit that when he heard you, him, and your ex were performing on the Jingle Bell Ball he freaked out a little. You were performing on Saturday while he and Martin on Sunday, but Shawn was going to keep you company and you were going to do the same with him during Sunday, although he was tempted to tell you to just stay at the hotel to keep the unavoidable from happening; he even talked to mum, sister, dad, and manager about it, but they all told him it would be too much and that he would have to face it eventually. He even felt bad when you showed on his hotel room after weeks of not seeing each other with a bag of muffins, and a Gryffindor hoodie she had bought him during her visit to Universal Studios with her family.

“I’ve missed you so much, I thought I was becoming crazy since you were always on my mind” you said to him as you laid on the bed, with his arm under your neck.

“I missed you, too” he whispered, but you sensed something was off. You turned your head and stared at him.

“Is something going on?” You asked him and his eyes found yours, but he just shook it off.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it” he answered and directed his gaze to the ceiling, again.

You sat up on the bed and looked for his eyes. “Shawn, look at me,” you said softly, moving your fingers to his soft cheeks. “You can tell me what’s wrong, it’s part of my job of being your girlfriend,” you both smiled. “Maybe I can’t fix it, but I’ll listen to you and I’m gonna stand by you no matter what”

Shawn sighed at your words and sat up on the bed. “I’m just a bit nervous about Sunday” he confessed quietly.

“Why? For the performance?” you asked him not really understanding, since he had done this plenty of times.

“No,” he took a deep breath before continuing. “I know Martin is going to be there”.

“Oh…” You said and silence filled the room. You took a deep breath and positioned your body on top of him, so your chests were almost touching. “Baby, you have nothing to worry about.”

“I know, it’s just…”

“Hey, I understand how you’re feeling, and I’m so sorry that it’s because of me…” You were going to continue but Shawn interrupted you.

“It’s not because of you.”

“Yeah, we probably we’ll cross paths with him, and I’ll talk to him, because I care about him because he’s a great friend. But when that happens I don’t want you to feel bad about it, because at the end of the day it’s you who I want, it’s you who I love” you said and kissed his cheek softly.

He sighed. “You’re too good to me.”

“I know” you responded, making you both giggle.

Saturday.

You arrived to the arena in the morning for soundcheck. You insisted Shawn that he could stay sleeping since he was a bit jet lagged, but he decided against it and went to keep you company. While on the van, you both were falling asleep since it was pretty early, but your manager who was on the van with you, woke you up. People greeted you and Shawn as you made your way through backstage, but neither of you were in the mood to stop and make conversation so you just waved and told them you were seeing them later. You finally found the door that had your name on it; a man welcomed you and pointed a table that had lots of food so you could have breakfast. He left and so did your manager who wanted to check some things before soundcheck, leaving you and Shawn alone.

“God, I’m starving” you said fixing your hair into a ponytail while walking towards the table.

“Hey, is that my sweater?” Shawn said pointing at the grey sweater you were wearing.

You moved your eyes around the room before staring at him. “Maybe” you answered, earning a chuckle from Shawn.

“I had been looking for it and you said you hadn’t seen it” he said placing his arm around your waist.

You whined playfully before answering: “But it’s so warm, and comfy. And it smells like you.” you left a kiss on the corner of his mouth. “Are you staying here or you’re coming to the stage with me?”

“Let me think… Stay here staring at the walls or go to watch one of the best vocalists in the world that also happens to be my girlfriend… Tough choice.” he teased you.

You laughed and walked to kiss him, both your mouths tasted like coffee, and you found yourselves enjoying the little moment you had more than you were supposed to, you didn’t notice when you both were sitting on the couch. You knew you had to stop but none of you wanted to, until you heard the door open and you both quickly separated from each other, though your swollen lips and Shawn’s rosy cheeks gave you away. Your manager gave you a cheeky look before telling you they were waiting for you.

You and Shawn walked hand-in-hand through the narrow halls. Your band was ready on the stage, and it wasn’t hard to spot some flashes from the official photographers from the event. Someone from the radio approached you to ask a couple of questions about the show and how you were feeling to be in London. The guy looked like he wanted to ask Shawn something, but your boyfriend quickly unlocked his phone and acted like he was texting someone so they wouldn’t bother him. The interviewer thanked you for your time before walking towards the backstage area. You giggled quietly at the sight of your boyfriend.

“He’s gone” you whispered on his ear, making him jump in surprise.

“Sorry about that, they’ll get to interview me tomorrow” he said putting his phone back into his pocket.

“I understand, I would’ve done the same” you said and Shawn pecked your lips right when your manager called your name.

“I’ll be standing right there” Shawn said pointing at the seats. You nodded and kisses him one last time before walking to get the wires and your microphone.

You started singing and noticed your boyfriend watching you with a smile on his face, and you couldn’t help the stupid grin forming on your lips even though you were singing. You noticed your manager giving you a look since you looked a bit disconnected, but you re-directed your eyes to Shawn, who winked at your direction and blew you a kiss. He was perfect.

After soundcheck, you went back to the hotel for a couple of hours, where you and Shawn spent your time keeping up with your favorite shows until it was time to get prepared to leave to the venue. You were wearing a white dress, a black leather jacket, and black knee-high boots since there was a red carpet before the show. While you were leaving the hotel you posted some videos on your Snapchat since you hadn’t been very active for the last days because you had been enjoying your boyfriend, and of course your fans knew that.

“You look hot” Shawn complimented you as you started walking to the van that was driving you.

“Thank you, sir” you giggled as he intertwined your fingers.

The drive to the venue was quiet, and Shawn did a great job at making you forget the usual nerves you got before these events. From inside the van you were able to make up some paparazzi, and you noticed the flashed from the cameras through the tinted windows. The van stopped moving and your manager said it was time. You took a deep breath and kissed Shawn one last time; he wished you luck right before the door closed. He was going to be at your dressing room after you were done with the press, and that made the whole process a lot more smoother.

After you were done, you were walked to your dressing room, where your boyfriend was waiting for you while sipping on a glass of juice and a muffin on his hand. Of course. You smiled and sat beside him and placed your head on his shoulder. Your manager said she was going to leave you for a few minutes before you had to get prepared for the show.

“Twitter says you were looking gorgeous, and I have to agree” he said showing you pictures of you just moments earlier.

“You’re so sweet” you left a kiss on his neck, but your lipstick left a stain that looked like a hickey. “Oops, I left you a hickey” you giggled.

“Yeah? but you barely touched my neck” he said trying to take a look at his skin, but of course he couldn’t.

“My lipstick, silly”

“Oh… Well, you know I don’t mind hickeys, so.” he shrugged and his lips were barely containing a cheeky grin from forming.

You tried to remove the stain but your manager walked in and said it was time to get ready. You sighed as different people walked inside to help you get ready. Shawn patted your thigh lovingly and placed his mouth on your ear.

“I can’t wait till we get back to the hotel.” he confessed and your cheeks tinted a light shade of pink.

He was going to be the death of you.

Sunday

It was impossible not to notice that Shawn was different that morning.

He couldn’t keep his hands off you. If your hands weren’t interlocked, he made sure he had an arm around your waist or shoulder, and while you were sitting his hand didn’t move from your thigh, and while you watched him perform during soundcheck, his eyes didn’t move from you, which earned him more than a glare from Andrew, but he didn’t seem to mind.

You knew why he was being like that, even Andrew did as he messed a note when he noticed the staff was fixing the DJ booth, and it wasn’t hard to notice the way his jaw clenched when the producer announced it was Martin Garrix’s turn to use the stage. Shawn quickly motioned you to join him on stage, he told Andrew he was going back to his dressing room as he squeezed your hand and quickly walked yo back to his dressing room. You were almost running to catch up with his pace, and after you almost tripped you decided to stop him.

“Baby,” you said but he kept walking. “Baby… Shawn!” you said and separated your hand from his.

“What?” he said sounding irritated, but it wasn’t hard to see through it.

“Baby, calm down” you said placing your hand on his cheek.

Shawn looked up and groaned in annoyance. “I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t feel comfortable knowing we are on the same place” he muttered.

“Shawn, I’m right here with you, and I honestly don’t know what else can I do to make you feel right” you said in a soft tone, making your boyfriend sigh.

“I don’t know what is happening to me” he said running his hands through his face.

“Hey, it’s okay. Let’s go to your dressing room, okay? Then we can grab our things, go back to the hotel and enjoy ourselves until it’s time to come back here, sounds good?”

“Sounds perfect.” he said and this time you grabbed his hand and walked him to the dressing room, softly running your thumb through his hand.

Today it was your turn to wait for Shawn on his dressing room while he dealt with the press. You and Andrew were walking to his dressing room when you found yourself face to face with very familiar faces. It was Team Garrix, people you knew like the palm of your hand and they knew a lot about you. You couldn’t help the smile that formed on your lips when you saw them. They all greeted you effusively, telling you it was great to see you again and that they often remembered you, even if you and Martin had broken up more than a year ago. Andrew excused himself at the same time most of the team started walking to Martin’s dressing room, but Louis, Martin’s best friend and photographer, stayed talking to you.

“How have you been?” Louis asked you, and you smiled at his accent.

“I’ve been good. What about you?”

“It’s been great, you know how this works” he answered and you nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I know how it works” you said smiling softly.

“I hear you have a new boyfriend…” he said with a teasing smile.

“I do, and he makes me very happy” you said a bit hesitantly, not really sure how to talk about Shawn to your ex’s best friend.

“I’m glad to hear that, you deserve having someone who is as good as you are” he said.

“Yeah…” you said wanting to ask about Martin, but you didn’t know how.

“Martin’s fine.” Louis said like he was reading your mind. “It took him a while to get over you, and releasing ‘In The Name of Love’ reminded him of you a bit, since you were the main inspiration, you know… But he’s fine, he’s happy” he told you, and you couldn’t help staring at the ground.

“You know I never wanted to cause him trouble…” you said feeling a bit guilty.

“You don’t have to apologize, it was going to happen eventually. And he hasn’t found someone to start a stable relationship for now, but he’s just fine” he reassured you. You chatted a bit more until you saw Shawn appear. You said goodbye to Louis before following your boyfriend who had just walked inside his dressing room. You walked in quietly and found him sitting on the couch.

“How was the press, baby?”

“I found your ex,” he blurted and you closed your eyes. “And it looks like you didn’t mind finding his friends or whoever that guy was.” he said and you sighed.

“Shawn…”

“You know what? Let’s just not talk right now, I’m seriously not in the mood” he said just when Andrew walked inside the dressing room.

“God, Shawn. I seriously don’t know what you want for me to do to help you realize I love you, and only you. I’m getting tired of this, seriously.” you said as you watched your boyfriend open a bottle of water before you grabbed your bag and left the dressing room.

You found your back pressed against the wall as people passed by. You tried to mask your anger and sadness as people greeted you, since you knew that if people saw you outside Shawn’s dressing room looking down, they would start talking. The door opened revealing Andrew, you sighed since a bit of you hoped it would be Shawn.

“I’m sorry about that.” Andrew told you but you shook your head.

“Don’t worry about it, just make sure he okay for his performance.” you said and Andrew tried to mask his discomfort of being in the middle of you and Shawn’s arguments.

“Are you still going to watch from the side stage?”

“Of course,” you answered. “I’m always up to see him perform, even when he’s being an ass” you said making Andrew laugh.

“Okay, I’ll let you know when it’s time… Are you sure you don’t want to come back inside?”

“I’ll just stay here for a while, it’ll be good for him.”

Andrew said goodbye and you stayed there until you noticed a pair of blue eyes shyly looking at your way. Great, you thought as Martin appeared in front of you. You separated your body from the wall and slowly approached him since he had stopped walking.

“Hey” you heard his voice for the first time since a long time.

“Hello” you greeted him and a smile appeared on your lips.

“It’s been a long time” Martin said scratching the back of his neck.

“It has…” an awkward silence appeared between the two of you. “I just saw the team, and talked to Louis. And congratulations, you’re officially the number one DJ in the world!”

“And i just saw your boyfriend, and thank you, I still can’t believe it.” He said and you couldn’t help but notice he was the same boy you had fallen in love with.

“He might have mentioned something.” you said and now you couldn’t contain your smile.

“it’s so good to see you… I had planned to talk to you after we broke up, but months passed and then you were with your new boyfriend… I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” he confessed.

“I understand. It wouldn’t have done us any good.” you said and he slowly nodded.

You both stayed in silence for a few moments until Martin spoke up. “I have to go now, but it would be very nice if you could watch the set. The booth is always open for you, you know that”

You smiled at the sight of him. He hadn’t changed at all. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, but thank you”

“Don’t worry about it. You can watch it from the side stage if you want to”

“I’ll try,” you smiled at him one last time. “Good luck”

“Thank you” he said before walking away.

You stayed there and thought about what had just happened. You smiled because it was great to see he was doing just fine, and nothing had happened inside of you at all. He hadn’t made you nervous, or all giddy like he used to. Now the only thing in your head was your boyfriend who was everything you could ask for. You were going to knock on the door, but someone opened it first.

“Walls are thin, did you know?” Shawn said and his bitter tone was obvious.

You sighed, your prior smile long forgotten. “What happened now?”

“You know what? Don’t bother going to watch me sing, and don’t feel bad for going to his booth or whatever. I’ll do just fine without you” he said before walking past you.

Could this day end already?

When you heard the first chords of his performance, you couldn’t help it but go to your spot and watch your boyfriend perform. You couldn’t help the tears that escaped your eyes as you heard him sing with such passion and emotion, knowing he was angry at you. Andrew appeared and gave you a side hug before he disappeared to check something.

A few seconds before Shawn’s set was done, you walked away, not wanting to face him yet, an you found yourself considering Martin’s offer to watch his set, since he was coming right after Shawn, who hadn’t noticed you had been staying there the whole time. Before disappearing, you told Andrew you were going to call an Uber to get back to the hotel so he didn’t have to worry.

You stayed in the shadows as Martin appeared on the stage, making the crowd jump and have the time of their lives, but though everybody was smiling, you found yourself craving for your boyfriend’s touch. You just wanted him by your side, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, running his fingers along your back, smiling at something you said, or humming his favorite songs. Just as Bebe Rexha appeared on stage to sing ‘In The Name of Love’, you left your spot and went to Shawn’s dressing room, only to find it empty. You grabbed your phone and called an Uber to drive you back to the hotel. The man seemed to know you but he didn’t mention it, which you were very thankful for.

You masterfully avoided the paparazzi and fans waiting for the different artists that were staying on the hotel before you made your way to the elevator. You pressed the floor number and in a matter of second you were in front of Shawn’s door. You took a deep breath and knocked the door three times, before a shirtless Shawn opened. He was going to open his mouth but you crashed your lips against his. He didn’t hesitate to respond with the same enthusiasm, and walking you inside the room, closing the room behind you.

He left your body trapped between the wall and his body. You broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against yours. Both your breathings were rapid, making your chests gently touch each other.

“I’m sorry.” you both blurted out, making you two smile goofily.

“I should’ve realized it bothered you the thought of him, but I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and that you’re perfect. You’re a dream come true” you confessed

“I shouldn’t have reacted that way, I’m sorry. I’m so in love with you I can’t bear the thought of you with someone else. I’m so sorry”

You pecked his lips. “You did amazing, I’m proud of you”

“You saw it?” he asked you with a smile.

“Of course. You looked hot”

“I am hot” he joked.

You kissed him again. “I love you”

“I love you more” he responded.

“I highly doubt that” you said furrowing your eyebrows.

“I can show you” he said leaving kisses on your earlobe.

“You never waste an opportunity, do you?” you said and he grinned.

“It wouldn’t be me if I did” he said before colliding his lips against yours one more time.

There was no doubt no one could make you feel the way your boyfriend did.

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes au

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artificialqueens · 8 years

Text

Primary Care (a.k.a the Poundcake ficlet collection) 6/13 [Katya/Alaska] - Spoky

A/N old: If you have not read Ch.5, this chapter might not make a lot of sense in the end. Rupologies. You might want to make sure you know&remember how Ch.5 ended. Thank you for every like and feedback, you really make me feel amazing!! <3

Tw: rimming

Beta: apatheticskeleton, the hardest working girl I know.

A/N new: This was supposed to go up on later this week, as Ch.7 is not quite where I’d like it to be, but as evilqueenslaugh just spent 30 minutes teaching me how to fucking snapchat (and how to follow Katya on snapchat), I wanted to say thanks.

This one’s for evilqueenslaugh, I hope you like it. xx

Primary care (a.k.a. the Poundcake ficlet collection)

Chapter 6/13 - ‘Come to Brazil’

‘Business or pleasure?’

‘Business. No! Pleasure.’

‘You don’t know whether you’re here for business or pleasure?’

‘No no, I definitely know. I’m here for pleasure. Normally it’s for business, so I said business, but it’s for pleasure. This time. Really.’

The immigration officer gave Brian a tired look and glanced back down to his passport. Brian cursed inside, he sometimes really just needed to shut the fuck up.

Arriving to Brazil with just a carry-on was probably not the most conventional of ideas, but as he was absolutely fucking insane, and only staying for two nights before heading back to the US, it should do.

Aaron had texted him to look for a red Toyota and instructed him to wait near the taxi queue. Apparently Needles had himself not only a fiancé, but also a PA in a very convenient and attractive package. Or that’s what Brian thought when Chad O’Connell waved at him from the only red car Brian could locate. He had met the man only once before, very briefly in some backstage, but it was apparently enough for the makeup artist to remember him.

‘Brian. Good to see you. How was the flight?’

‘No idea, thanks to Ambien,’ was Brian’s reply as he lifted his bag into the trunk.

Chad laughed politely, but Brian couldn’t tell whether the man actually found the joke funny.

‘Right then, I need to get some safety-pins, and maybe we should get you some food? The girls are already in the venue getting ready and the show starts in a couple of hours, so we don’t have a huge amount of time. I heard you got a room in a hotel couple of blocks away from ours?’

Brian nodded.

‘Are you fine checking-in after the show or do you want to go there first?’

Brian really wanted to take a shower but at the same time he didn’t want to be any more trouble than he evidently already had been.

‘No no, I can check-in after,’ he rushed to reply. Chad nodded, clearly pleased.

They stopped in two convenience stores on the way as the first one did not have safety-pins, and then drove straight to the club were Justin and Aaron were performing. When Chad pulled into the reserved parking slot and Brian saw a very familiar figure smoking at the door, he cursed silently. He had totally forgotten to check why exactly the men were in Rio.

‘Well well well, ain’t it the sluttiest crackwhore in town,’ came Ginger Minj’s greeting and Brian laughed.

‘Ribbit, ribbit,’ he replied as he walked to Ginger, hugged her and promptly took a long inhale from her cigarette.

‘God that was good!’

Ginger chuckled. ‘I’m surprised to see you here,’ she glanced to Chad who was unpacking the car. ‘But maybe I shouldn’t be?’

Brian shook his head slightly, ‘Long story.’

Ginger nodded and stumped her cigarette bud to the ground. ‘Well, let’s go then.’

Brian helped Chad with his bags and suddenly a feeling of uncertainty filled his stomach.

‘Aaron did tell Justin that he invited me, right?’

Chad glanced at him briefly. ‘I would assume so, but I don’t really keep tabs on their conversations.’

Brian swore colorfully. He had no idea whether Justin even knew that he was coming. What if he hated the idea? Why hadn’t he checked with Justin himself? He could only pray that Aaron had done the decent thing and his visit wouldn’t be a surprise to Justin, or that if it were a surprise, Justin would like it. He really had screwed this one up.

Chad opened the backstage door and with one glance Brian identified Adore, Jinkx and Roxxxy Andrews. On the other side of the room Sharon and Alaska were fixing their makeup, and Ginger pushed her way next to them to take a seat. Chad had walked to greet Sharon, and Brian didn’t really know what to do with himself.

‘Oh my god, Katya!!’ Roxxxy squealed then, and the entire room turned to look at him.

‘She brought Red Bull!’ Adore continued in the same high pitch and ran to Brian, who was examining the small bag Chad had given him to carry. There really seemed to be a can of Red Bull for everyone. Wow, Chad was thoughtful too, Sharon was lucky, Brian thought to himself, but was quickly interrupted by Adore, who was reaching into the bag. While she was pulling a can out Adore looked at Brian suspiciously, glanced quickly over her shoulder to Alaska and then smirked.

‘I’m taking two, I might need a back-up can later on,’ she declared cheekily and reached for another one.

‘Bitch,’ Brian laughed and walked around the room, giving everyone a Red Bull from the small plastic bag he was carrying. Ginger reached to the last can as Brian walked past her and Brian was left with no Red Bulls when he was faced with Alaska, the only girl in the room he hadn’t already provided with a can.

‘You didn’t save me anything?’ Alaska said sadly and peeked into the bag, pouting.

‘Oh no, I saved the best last,’ Brian said. He wasn’t entirely sure where the idea had come from right there and then, but it was perfect. ‘I brought you a bracelet,’ he continued and proceeded to squeeze and roll the plastic bag into a string. He then wrapped it around Alaska’s right wrist and tied it into a bow.

Alaska examined the trash around her wrist for a moment, ruffled it a bit and then smiled widely.

‘Oh! I love iiit!’ she drawled and presented everyone in the room her newest accessory.

Only Brian was able to catch Ginger’s guiet: ‘Disgusting,’ remark, which was clearly aimed at him. He knew exactly what Ginger meant. It really had not been planned as a romantic gesture, but that was exactly how it had come across. He chuckled. Making Alaska smile was the best feeling in the world, Brian thought to himself and had a feeling that he had heard something similar somewhere before.

‘So, Katya, you part of the show then?’ Roxxxy asked and Brian felt little lost. What was he supposed to say? No, I just came to Rio to take care of Alaska’s mental health, by fucking her brains out, you know, no biggie. Brian couldn’t resist the temptation. Didn’t the best jokes come out of half truths anyway?

‘Nah, I just came to see whether Alaska would suck me off again, it’s been pretty lonely in LA lately,’ Brian said with a straight face. The air in the room seemed to freeze and Brian could feel all eyes once again turning to him. Roxxxy was staring at him with her mouth slightly open, her expression spoke of utter disbelief that he had just said, what he had. Brian smirked before bursting into a howling laughter and the others joined him, some awkward, some confused, some clearly amused. Alaska’s laughter was the loudest, most genuine. She really got him.

‘No, truthfully speaking, Sharon invited me,’ Brian explained then and threw the ball to the Queen of Shadows. It was her idea in the first place, so she should have an explanation ready.

Sharon nodded and did not seem bothered by Brian’s tactic.

‘Yes, I find it extremely important to get to know all the queens who enjoy giving public sex performances in any shape or form, as I consider it part of my legacy,’ Sharon continued in the theme Brian had started: ‘And so I invited Miss Zamolodchikova to come and enjoy our lovely company,’ she explained, making everyone even more confused about why Brian was actually in Rio.

Roxxxy sighed in annoyance and turned back to her makeup, lifting her hands in surrender: ‘Geez, sorry for asking! Gotta get all defensive about it.’

Brian patted her shoulder appeasingly. Roxxxy rolled her eyes, but smiled nevertheless. The girls turned back to their personal projects of makeup and an easy chatter filled the room. Brian walked to Ginger and examined her reflection. ‘Girl, you sure you wanna go with that?’

‘Oh bitch, the day I start taking makeup tips from you is still long time coming,’ Ginger snorted. ‘How’s Brian?’

Brian looked at her in confusion. ‘Tracy, how’s Tracy?’ Ginger clarified.

‘Oh, right! Yeah no, she’s good. We’re shooting UNHhhh again on the fifth.’

Ginger halted. ‘Fifth? You realise that’s in three days, and you’re in fucking Rio.’

Brian nodded with huge eyes and an awkward grin that basically read: I know, I’m fucked.

Ginger rolled her eyes. ‘Geez girl, I heard the story, but didn’t know you got it that bad.’

‘You don’t know the half of it,’ Brian confessed and Ginger looked at him, surprised. Brian shook his head slightly. He didn’t want to explain. Not here, not now. She took the hint.

‘Well, I’m happy to see you anyway,’ Ginger said and then raised her voice for everyone to hear: ‘It’s nice to have some decent company around!’

Someone threw a wig that landed half on Ginger, half on Brian.

‘Wig abuse is a punishable crime!’ Sharon yelled.

Brian spent the following hour chit-chatting with the crew and the owner of the club. He helped Jinkx with her corset and re-pinned Adore’s ponytail. He had a conversation with Ginger about her new boyfriend and whilst doing all of that, he also took note that while Alaska never approached him, she was also always just a couple of steps away, exactly so that he could see her in the corner of his eye.

When the show finally started and the girls made their way to the stage, Alaska finally turned to Brian. In six inch heels and already taller than Brian, Alaska towered over him. She took a gentle hold of his left ear and ran her thumb over it in caress. She then smiled, lowered herself to whisper into Brian’s ear and said: ‘You need a shower, you stink.’ Brian’s laughter sounded like cat having a seizure.

After the show it didn’t take the queens long to undress, pack and start moving towards the hotel. They still had one more show in the same club and could leave most of their belongings in the dressing room. Brian was the only one who grabbed his bag when they left. Aaron and Chad offered them a ride, which Justin skillfully declined by insisting he wanted food and didn’t mind walking. Brian agreed with Justin, who informed him that he knew the way to his own as well as to Brian’s hotel.

‘Yours is basically on the way,’ Justin said and nudged his head to show direction. ‘This way.’

Brian nodded and fell into an easy step next to the taller man. They chatted about the show and Alaska’s stage presence. They laughed about lipsync-mistakes and stopped in front of shop windows to rate the display. They got slices of pizza from a small takeout place and shared a coke. They talked about easy things, like snake hearts or Trixie’s makeup. They talked about Bro’Laska and how the series was slightly different in it’s dynamic to the other WOW series. They talked about what UNHhhh was actually about: anything, everything and nothing, in every episode.

‘So she banned Contact, even a reference to the film and she gives me this look. Like she’s my mother, and she’s just caught me smoking pot while wanking to animal porn - the disappointment and disapproval is real girl, so real!’ Brian cried, pressing his right fist to his chest.

Justin laughed and looked up to the building next to them. ‘This is yours.’

Brian glanced to the building and could feel the awkwardness set between them - a feeling that had not entered to their interaction once during the walk. Brian worried his lower lip.

‘Do you, do youwannacom’up?’ Brian blurted the words out with such a speed that they tangled together. Justin turned to face him and smiled slightly. Then he nodded once. Yes. Yes, he wanted to come up.

Brian felt relieved and answered with a wide grin: ‘Well, good, because otherwise that would’ve been fucking mortifying!’

Justin chuckled.

They checked Brian in and got a keycard. The trip to the ninth floor seemed to take weeks, months even, as the sexual tension between the couple thickened with every step toward the room. Brian unlocked the door and let Justin walk in first. He followed suit and closed the door. It was dark. The lights of Rio lit parts of the small parlour that led to a bedroom, which seemed to lead further to a bathroom.

Brian dropped the keycard into the slot provided for it and the lights turned on, revealing Justin, who stood in the middle of the parlour, staring intently at Brian. He was breathing shallowly and Brian could read want in his eyes - maybe even lust? Not wanting to break the moment Brian bit his teeth together. He had a tendency to say inappropriate things at inappropriate moments and really wanted to avoid that. He walked slowly to Justin, who closely followed his every step. Brian felt like a hunter, trying not to scare his prey. He looked straight at Justin as he drew closer and placed his palms gently to his hips.

‘I don’t enjoy quiet, shy or awkward sex. I want communication. If you want something, you need to tell me, and I’ll pay you the same courtesy,’ Brian said gently, but sternly. Justin nodded.

Brian was very conscious of their difference in height, but decided that he would still be setting the tone. If Justin wanted to lead, he would have to ask for it. Brian doubted the lanky boy had any such aspirations, so he just lifted his chin a little and waited.

Justin could feel hands on his hips and was staring down to Brian, who had not proceeded to kiss him like he had expected. Justin blinked and repeated Brian’s words in his mind. It all made sense, but it fell flat on Justin – he didn’t know how to ask for such things. Usually sex just happened. Mostly little outside of his control. It was a feeling rather than a rational choice, and to be put into a situation where he had total control and had to reason it felt strange. Sure, he had begged to be fucked plenty, he had even demanded to be fucked in a couple of occasions. But never had he ever made a request for sex, a request that he knew would be respected – and that was exactly what Brian was offering. It made Justin hot, bothered, and a little hard.

‘I want you to fuck me.’ Saying the words out loud, clearly, sober, free of obligations, totally in control – it felt empowering. He wanted this.

‘I know,’ Brian smirked, but did not move.

Justin traced Brian’s right cheek with his fingertips, lifted his both hands to Brian’s neck, placing his thumps behind Brian’s ears and then bent down to meet his lips. Soft, hot… Intruding. Brian smiled, opened his lips and kissed back. They were exploring, tasting, feeling. Learning what worked, what felt good – and what didn’t.

‘I want you,’ Justin breathed into Brian’s mouth, and Brian chuckled.

‘I want to fuck you so deep and hard that you come screaming your own name,’ Brian whispered. He kissed Justin’s neck and said quietly against Justin’s skin: ‘But before that, I’d really like to wash you and eat you out.’

Justin startled and took a step back. He looked at Brian, who was now biting his lower lip.

‘Too much?’ Brian asked, worried. ‘Fuck, I knew I’d say something and you’d freak out. Shit.’

Brian closed his eyes in frustration. Why the fuck couldn’t he ever keep his mouth shut? Then he felt fingers on his cheek. Carefully, he opened his eyes.

Justin was smiling. There was traces of blush on his cheeks and neck. Brian raised his eyebrows, questioningly. What was the snake up to?

Justin licked his lips quickly and took an indifferent pose. He pretended to be examining the nails of his left hand as he drawled slowly: ‘Well, you do need a shower…’

Brian’s jaw dropped. Justin smirked and he took another step back. Brian could see the glimmer of humour in Justin’s eyes and knew they were on the same page.

‘You better run, or I’m going to fucking spank you for that,’ Brian threatened, smiling.

Justin snorted: ‘Promises, promises,’ but took yet another step back. Brian burst into a howling laughter.

Now, Trixie would’ve seen it coming, but Justin was not as familiar with Brian and was therefore completely taken aback when the Russian Hooker abruptly stopped laughing, closed their distance, grabbed his shoulders and growled in an extremely low voice: ‘Shower, now.’ And then Justin was being pulled towards the bathroom. They stopped right at the door and Brian turned to unbutton Justin’s jeans while the taller man just stared.

‘You are allowed to help, you know?’ Brian commented.

‘Nah, I’d rather just watch you do it,’ Justin drawled and made absolutely no effort to help.

Brian snickered. ‘Christ, you’re a handful.’

‘My, thank you,’ Justin purred and Brian laughed.

‘Oh, shut up,’ Brian snorted but continued to undress the younger man, giving soft kisses and gentle caresses to the newly revealed areas of skin on his hips, thighs, knees… Coming back up he traced a path all the way up from Justin’s hibone to his armpit with his nose and tongue - kissing, licking, smelling - while lifting the younger queen’s shirt up. Justin helpfully grabbed the shirt’s hem, pulled and threw the garment over his head, onto the floor. He then lowered his arms onto Brian’s shoulders and leaned in for a kiss.

Brian let his hands fall to Justin’s naked ass as he pulled the man closer. Justin smelled like a weird mixture of cigarettes, dust and something sharp Brian couldn’t identify. Through the kisses Brian could feel Justin moving his feet and getting rid of his shoes, socks and the jeans and boxers that Brian had earlier pushed around his ankles. Brian smirked around the kissing and could feel Justin smiling as well. They broke apart and shared a smile.

‘We look beautiful,’ Justin said then and glanced somewhere behind Brian’s left shoulder.

Brian turned to look and saw a reflection of them in the bedroom window. Justin stood naked, but came across rather modest as his body was half covered by Brian’s own, fully clothed reflection.

‘We look like a balding horny elf wanting to fuck a non-suspecting fairy-princess,’ he commented dryly.

‘That’s what I said,’ Justin noted, pretending to be confused. Brian’s laughter filled the bedroom.

‘You’re wearing awfully lot for a shower,’ Justin said after Brian had reached some composure and raised an eyebrow.

Brian snorted and started to undress, ‘You start. I’ll be there in a second.’

‘Okurrrr,’ Justin replied and turned to the bathroom.

Brian shook his head and couldn’t resist admiring the view the taller queen offered whilst walking to the bathroom. Brian undressed and glanced at his own reflection on the window. He had slightly narrower shoulders than Justin, but by some miracle the younger queen still had narrower hips and skinnier legs. Justin might not have been the most conventionally handsome man, but he definitely was a work of art.

Brian walked to the bathroom and took a long look at Justin, who was standing his back towards the door. Justin was letting the water run over his shoulders and back, while leaning to his hands. He had bowed his head down, eyes closed. Brian had never seen anything so alluring. He walked behind Justin and gently placed his right hand onto Justin’s hip to signal to him that he was in the shower.

‘Mm,’ Justin acknowledged his presence and Brian pressed a gentle kiss on his shoulder blade. He then took a step closer and pressed his hips against Justin’s backside, wrapped his left hand around Justin’s waist and only when he was certain of his balance, he pressed his chest to Justin’s back. He started to drop small kisses and bites onto Justin’s shoulders and upper back. He wasn’t quite tall enough to reach his neck in this position, but didn’t let that bother him. Instead Brian let his right hand wander all over Justin’s body; his chest, stomach, crotch, balls, inner thighs… Where ever he could reach; through Justin’s side all the way up to his right armpit and arm. Justin answered to every touch either through small sighs of pleasure or by squirming into or away from the touch. Brian was mentally mapping the places that produced the most positive responses.

When Brian was content with his explorations he took a small step to the left and reached for the soap from a container he had previously noticed on the shower room wall. Justin was stirred from his trance and turned to look what was going on. Brian just smiled and gently guided his head back between his hands, bowed between his shoulders. He then adjusted his left arm slightly higher on Justin’s waist and laid his soaped right palm on Justin’s lower back. In small gentle circles Brian moved his hand over Justin’s hips, buttocks and inner thighs before reaching further down and tracing his gouch from behind the balls all the way up, back to Justin’s lower back. Justin squirmed and let his head drop completely.

‘Do that again.’

Brian smiled and obliged, this time he took his time and went slower, playing with the amount of pressure. Justin was vibrating in his embrace.

‘That feels so good.’

Brian took a step closer, pressed his own half-erected cock between Justin’s buttocks and thighs and continued to soap the man all over. When he reached to Justin’s cock, he noticed the younger queen was fully erect and decided to give the man only one firm squeeze before continuing to soap his balls and lower abdomen.

Justin had his complaints about Brian ignoring his erection, but Brian just laughed.

‘Patience.’

Brian was getting harder and took a step back. He needed to calm down if he wanted this to last longer than the following five minutes. Standing now little left to Justin, Brian took a firmer hold of the younger man and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. He reached for more soap and spread most of it again on Justin’s lower back.

‘Now, you’re going to tell me if you’re uncomfortable, right?’

Justin nodded in affirmation and sighed as Brian reached down and brushed his fingers over his hole, massaging gently. Justin adjusted his legs wider and Brian smirked. Someone was eager. He kept playing with different pressures, different finger movements and when he finally dipped his index finger into Justin, the man groaned. Brian took good time making sure Justin was comfortable. His own erection was throbbing with precum before he added a second finger. Justin groaned again.

‘More.’

Brian was happy to take orders. He licked Justin’s shoulder blade once before crouching down behind him, spreading Justin’s cheeks apart and taking a long lick. Justin moaned loudly and grabbed a firm hold of his own cock with his right hand.

‘More,’ Justin repeated and started to pump with firm slow strokes. He could feel Brian’s mouth on his entrance. He could feel the licks, the sucks, the teeth scratching gently. He pressed his backside more firmly against Brian and enjoyed the attention. He could feel Brian’s tongue pushing inside and then disappearing again, all while the warm water still dripped to his shoulders and back, finally hitting the floor. Justin could feel the tension building, his thoughts started to scatter and there was not enough, not enough of anything. There just needed to be more, more of everything.

‘Fuck me,’ he pleaded, on the edge.

Brian could hear from the voice that Justin was close. He needed to be quick. And that was the moment Brian realised that all of his condoms were packed into his bag, which was probably still next to the front door. Brian swore at his own stupidity and stood up. He pressed his cock against Justin’s thigh, wrapped his arm tightly around Justin’s waist and pressed his forehead to his shoulder.

‘Come for me,’ he whispered to Justin and pushed three fingers as deep into him as they would reach. Justin moaned.

‘Don’t, don’t stop.’

Brian kept a steady pace and could feel the tension building. Justin was vibrating and his breaths sped up. Brian could feel his own orgasm approaching as he fucked the man in his arms with his fingers.

‘Let go, come on, come for me,’ Brian repeated and watched in fascination as the man in his arms, with the help of his own hand, reached his climax. It was beautiful.

The image alone threw Brian over the edge and he came with a groan.

* * *

Brian grimaced as the cum on his stomach started to cool. Dry cum was not his favorite thing on skin, so maybe he really should start moving towards the shower that had been waiting for – he glanced at his phone – for approximately 25 minutes. Daydreaming really was a talent and he couldn’t even remember the last time he had come so hard without actual visual aids. He sighed and tried to reach for the t-shirt that was lying on the floor, just a couple of feet away. He stretched his right foot towards it and as he tried to pick the shirt up with his toes he felt shooting pain on his big toe.

‘Ouf-ffffuck.’

He glanced down to his toe, which had dried blood all over it. Some of it had already turned ugly brown and it seemed the floor also had gotten its share of it.

‘Shit.’

Brian took a deep breath and groaned while getting up. His cock had shrunk back to its normal size and he could feel the after-climax tiredness creeping in. He needed to get into the shower. Now.

He took a couple of careful steps and as the big toe did not hurt too badly, he made it to the shower. While the warm water was washing away the sweat, the blood and the cum, Brian kept thinking about his Rio fantasy. It was obvious that he was sexually attracted to Justin, and to Alaska on some level, which was weird - even for him.

He thought about Aaron’s request and whether or not his short fantasy had any chances of being close to reality, had he actually gone to Brazil. Probably not. He had no idea why Aaron had even called him. The fact that Justin had once sucked him off didn’t mean that the man had any romantic feelings for him. Brian doubted Aaron knew about their other interactions or the social media flirting - how could he? Or maybe Justin had told him? Brian had no way of knowing how much the ex-royal-couple-of-drag still shared with each other.

When Aaron had actually uttered the words ‘Come to Brazil?’ less than an hour ago, Brian had immediately thought about going. Because, why the fuck not? Luckily for him, Brenda was having a good day and informed him with confidence that to get into a plane for someone whose feelings and intentions he wasn’t sure of, was equal to volunteering for Hunger Games with non-existent survival skills. On top of that he had three clubs gigs and an UNHhhh to shoot. There was no possible way he could’ve gone to Brazil and even if he could’ve, it would’ve been absolutely fucking insane to do so.

‘I don’t know, Aaron. Look, like you said, I’ve got work. I don’t even know why you’re asking me,’ Brian had said.

Aaron had been silent for a while. ‘I thought you guys had a thing. I thought you cared?’

Brian had gotten upset by the comment because it had sounded like an accusation. Of course he fucking cared! Had he not specifically asked Aaron to go and check that Justin was alright? And how exactly was Justin’s mental health suddenly his responsibility? And it wasn’t like they had a thing, had they had a thing the story might’ve been different, but they didn’t, they didn’t have a thing.

‘Listen, one blowjob doesn’t make me his caretaker, and for you to assume that Justin would even want me there is rather presumptuous.’

‘I didn-’

‘No? Didn’t assume, presume or just didn’t care enough to consult with him? I asked your help today because I thought you guys had an understanding, and I thought that it was based on mutual respect for one another. I don’t know what you want from me, and how I see it, whether or not I care, and whether or not we have a thing - that’s none of your business. I bet you mean well, so to save us both some dignity, I’m just going to end this phone call right now and pretend it never took place. Good night.’

Afterwards Brian had regretted losing his cool. It had taken him quite a while to calm down as, for whatever reason, yelling at Aaron Coady on the phone in the early hours of the night left him hot and bothered. He had decided that the easiest way to relax would be to masturbate and as he was already naked, half of the job was basically done. He’d taken a seat at the living room sofa and closed his eyes in concentration. The first image behind his closed lids had been Justin’s smile and Brian’s imagination had ran with it - taking him all the way to Rio like Aaron had suggested.

Brian sighed and stepped out of the shower. He had only wanted some innocent flirting and discussion about snake hearts - instead he had been given a three hour ride on the emotional rollercoaster of doom. A fucking nightmare. He dried himself off and walked to his phone in the living room. He wanted to send Justin a message, but didn’t know what to say - what could one say in such a situation?

His head hurt. He really hadn’t asked for any of this. He wanted to call Tracy, but knew that the queen was out on a date. Fuck the situation, fuck Justin and fuck Needles in particular. He could barely keep his own shit together; he was not cut to deal with someone else’s. Brian felt nauseous just thinking about it. He pulled on a pair of college pants he happened to find in the kitchen and opened the window a little. He really needed to smoke. He opened the kitchen cabinet he kept his weed in, only to come empty-handed. Shit. He was out. He tapped his nails to the kitchen counter nervously. What now?

He glanced to the clock on the wall to see the time. Could he still get some? Probably not, not today. He glanced outside of the kitchen window and saw that the liquor store across the street was open. He glanced back to the clock, it wasn’t 2am yet. He could just drop in, buy a beer, not a big deal. Brian stopped his thoughts. This was dangerous. The thought pattern was dangerous. He started pacing back and forth in the kitchen, glancing at the store every now and then. Fuck. He left the kitchen to the living room; at least the window was facing another direction. A small mercy. He took a deep breath to calm himself. He had options, he knew that. The things he needed to do were really simple: eat, sleep and talk. Simple. At least now he knew the emerging signs. Addiction was not something to play with; he needed to calm down. He walked back to the living room and took a seat at the sofa before dialling the number he knew would pick up at this hour.

A 45 minute chat made him feel better and more stable. He fiddled with his phone and wondered about Justin again - would it be worth it? If he wasn’t willing to risk it now, would he ever be? And truthfully, maybe that was all that Justin wanted, harmless flirting and some sexual tension to keep them both energised? If that was the goal, it was definitely working.

Brian sighed and opened WhatsApp. It was true, whatever this thing was with Justin, they could figure it out later, but they were first and foremost friends, and a friend deserved a ‘I hope you’re ok’-message after a panic attack – and in the end, that was all that mattered.

* * *

It was 7 am in Rio when Justin’s smartphone vibrated as a sign of a new received message.

Brian: ‘Interacting with Needles really makes a man want to angry-fuck something, I can see why you kept him around for so long. I hope sending him to check on you wasn’t a shitty move, if so, I’m at your mercy.’

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