#my terminal ileum be hating me

[wildyoungsoul]

Brain dump in a dead blog

My tummy hurts and I’m stuck in the bathroom, so why not have a brain dump? I’ve been perpetually stuck in a book that I’ve read thrice over by now called “The North Wind” by Alexandria Warwick; no one in my life has read it, so I’m just swirling, stuck in the story. Like a snow globe that I refuse to leave because books are so much better than reality.

BUT

One of my favorite webcomics, “Under The Oak Tree”, just published volume 1 of the comic as a book, AND the original book has finally been published as a hard back. I absolutely ADORE Riftan and Maxi, and I love being in their story (though it has me stressed because “season 1” ended on a bad cliffhanger and I haven’t had the fortitude to keep reading the series). I bought the kindle versions of this story over a year ago and made myself ill by binge reading the books and only sleeping 12 hours over the course of a week, so I’m thankful only the first book is out.

BUT

My TBR is in stacks all around my room, and every time I turn around I’m adding new books to my TBR. I don’t know where to start; I’m honestly enjoying just looking at the books.

BUT

I’m also going in circles about the political climate in the US right now, how my birthday is in a week and I’m wondering how much I care; how my mind can’t seem to focus on a single thought beyond the survival mode items, about how my “best friend” barely feels like my best friend anymore and how I won’t cut her off because losing her daughters (my nieces) steals my breath and makes me feel like I’m passing out…. I keep thinking about my Crohn’s Disease and I’m beyond anger at this point about the fact that I can barely eat vegetables. All I want is a salad, but digesting lettuce feels like I’m digesting a cheese grater, and I HATE how aware I am of my terminal ileum. I keep thinking about how fucking lonely I am; how I want to have a movie marathon and cuddle with someone- but not cute cuddles, I want to be an octopus. I want to wrap myself in someone as much as they wrap in me, and I have no one. Does anyone know if professional cuddling is a thing in the US, because I need it? Idek at this point. Maybe I just need to lay in a forest and disassociate for a bit.

Later