#my spine is still in okay condition this time but I keep subluxating the bones in my feet and it's driving me nuts

[cookinguptales]

a few nights ago I had two (2) beers and decided to do Online Shopping and I wouldn't say that I was drunk or anything, but I was buzzed enough (and ADHD enough) that I did forget about it the next day.

anyway, a box of chocolate cookies that I really like just appeared on my doorstep roughly two hours after my period started and I'm like. thank you, buzzed!me. you are a superstar.

[newhologram]

If I've learned anything about having a lifelong illness, it's never stop looking and pushing for solutions if you know in your heart you could be functioning better. Of course we'll never be cured but I think a lot of doctors see a diagnosis and go, oh okay you have that. That's just how you function now. And of course we're taught to trust and have faith in our doctors so we just go along with what they say. It's tough.

Exactly, never stop pushing. Even if a procedure like this can’t 100% cure some of the stuff I have that’s hereditary or that I was born with, if it gives me like a 40% functioning boost because now my body is better able to HANDLE those illnesses, then that’s absolutely huge and I can catch up. I just feel so behind, I didn’t get to have so many “normal” life experiences because of illness, and I know better than to compare myself to others but I still just feel it, man. I just turned 27. I’m old now??? I feel so old, oh God, I know in reality I’m still a spring chicken but Jesus, Joseph, I feel like a cruster on this site, hahahaha

Like, I was always sick and uncomfortable as a kid, as a teen, and then as a young adult it just got so bad that my body buckled under it all, and dragged my brain down with it. I feel like I’ve just been so developmentally delayed because I grew up ill and maybe that’s why I have such a hard time feeling like an adult or relating to people. I feel like a Martian and it upsets me a lot. I feel like I didn’t have a 20′s. But I know that’s not true, I had one, but it was different. My hologram is different and that’s okay.

And there are probably millions just like me who feel this way. It’s incredibly lonely being sick, a lot of people stop bothering with you, working is hard, dating is haha no, and being strong enough to hold yourself up through this is something to be so proud of. We wear invisible badges. Don’t be afraid of speaking out.

It’s like a cat ran by and unplugged a bunch of vital things on a robot and no one thought to check back there and instead just kept patching up little spots uselessly while he broke down over the years because they still expected him to function like his peers and called him a whiner, a hypochondriac who just wants attention, lazy, “ugh, but you’re always sick!”, and then they’d called the tech guy and he’s just like *opens robot* “hmm well I see some things are not working but I don’t see WHY, so, what do you want me to do?” and he also never checks to see if something got unplugged. 

This lady plugged my spine back in correctly, basically, because she knew how to look “back there”.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It’s like, it’s so simple

The first vertebrae that touches your head, when misaligned, compromises the flow between your brain and your body, and over time you get sick. Whether you fell and broke a bone, got into a car or skiiing accident, got hurt on an intense rollercoaster, got punched too hard... I mean, these horrible symptoms and intense illnesses sometimes take 10-15 years to actually fully turn your body into a failing mecha suit while you burn up inside alone. 

No doctor ever told me about it, ever. I never knew about this and neither did my dad and neither did so many people. If it was more common knowledge to check the health of the cervical spine because it can cause and exacerbate so many illnesses, then it would be checked more after accidents and injuries.

And even though they kINDA looked because I had to harass doctors into doing it (literally what the fuck!!!! over periods of MONTHS! “please check my spine, please do an x-ray or something, please get me to see a chiropractor, please help me, please” UGH), they didn’t see it because I guess this really stupid simple obvious solution is just not a thing, according to our healthcare system. It doesn’t occur to them to check for the very mobile and important literal first piece of your spine!!! For misalignment.They think chiropractors, especially ones who specialize in the atlas, are witch doctors. That’s what it boils down to. And if I could’ve just gone to one of those, had insurance cover it, and continued with my life, then I wouldn’t be in constantly needing help. 

They turn spoonies into cash cows because they can. But, it’s the ones without a lot of money who are suffering horribly because like. Listen, I had to accept that the paychecks I always work so hard for end up just going to constant appointments to try to lower my pain levels because high pain levels equals... well, you guys know the drill by now.

My dad is so excited and telling absolutely everyone just about how different I look visually now that my spine has been fixed. I’m taller, the world looks higher up, my face even looks a little different somehow. I should try to take some proper pics for before and after. I’ll definitely try to get better pics of the x-rays at least after my next appointment so I can show just how drastic this change is. And I didn’t even need surgery or anything scary. She saw me, talked to me in DEPTH about literally everything, took x-rays, took time to educate me on everything about how this specific thing, atlas subluxation, makes people very very sick over a long period of time and ends up wrecking their body. 

For a while I thought I had to accept that by my 40′s my condition would be unmanageable. I had to just accept whatever time I could and do my best and work hard and even though I’m pretty open about my illnesses, I still have this complex like I have to be really strong and perfect all the time. But I fall apart hard like everyone else. My body was trying so hard for so long to work for me to take me where I need to go in life to be happy and to achieve my dreams, but it couldn’t keep up anymore right as I transitioned into adulthood. 

I’m sorry, body. :( I just feel so sad for it, like. I FEEL IT obviously it’s how I feel the world. But it just tried so hard. If you’ve been following me more than a month you know already just wrecked I always am from such little activity. 

I mean, imagine if you knew you were gonna work 5 hours you had to take it super easy and rest and medicate all day long beforehand. And the 5 hours is agonizing, it’s glass in your feet, it’s acid down your spine, it’s mood swings you do your best to keep zipped away WHILE providing emotional and physical labor for customers and being watched like a hawk by bosses. 

I did all that for so long even though my body was fuckin’ just

ALL THE TIME

I’m so sorry, bad me, mean to body. But I had shit to do, like. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know.

I felt strongly that this year was gonna be different for me but I didn’t know in what way, I was just ready to work through tears for another year and repeat the cycle and try not to give in to the despair of hurting so badly literally 24/7 

I gotta take it easy, I can’t push myself too much. That many years of illness, Idunno how under-used my organs are. *sweats* I just gotta let it take its time.

But yeah, it’s gonna be a good time. 

GET YOUR FUCKING ATLAS CHECKED

Love,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spoonie, Newaka Lord Bitch Skeletonaka SPINE MOM SUPREMEaka Lamb: Resurrection 

P.S.

Beloved spine witchdoctor says I am not allowed on coasters anymore...... sob. I was really post-procedure high when she was telling me this but I’ll ask again if like. Disneyland ones at least are gentle enough. Wahhh, I love coasters so much. I asked if I could do archery and she said NO LOL not for a long time, and she was so funny when I asked if I could do martial arts bc I want to sooo bad.

Also my dad and I were talking and he was just like, “you’ve always had bad posture. I’ve never seen you standing up like this.”

Dumbass doctors omffff g bless