#my right hand. i have 6 scars from that alone. at 14 i stabbed myself in the palm with the tip of a (rounded) butter knife and still have a

[paracosim]

There’s so many I can’t fit them all in the tags (I literally just hit the 50 tag limit). I have over 30 scars on just my hands alone @citharaposts

scars in fiction: I got this trying to save my lover from an assassin- but tragically, I was too late. now I carry the mark of my failure with me always, and I can never forget~

scars in real life: so I was trying to open macaroni sauce with a paring knife

[helliontherapscallion]

What is Real? (Adrenaline Junkie Part 4)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7     Part 8     Part 9     Part 10     Part 11     Part 12     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 16     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: PTSD, memory loss, swearing, angst, panic attack

Word count: 3,509

You opened your eyes to the dim sunlight pouring through your curtains. You tried to move your arms to push yourself up, but strangely your right arm felt incredibly stiff. Furrowing your brows in confusion, you looked down at it. Nothing was off about it, so why was it so stiff? It made no sense. 

With great difficulty, you slowly maneuvered your legs over the side of your bed. Everything felt incredibly stiff, especially your right wing, and your head felt like it was filled to the brim with cotton. Groaning, you heaved yourself off the bed into a standing position. You wobbled slightly on your feet, but you steadied yourself with your nightstand. What was with you today?

Hobbling out of your room with a steadying hand on the wall. You let your wings thump and drag across the ground behind you. You didn’t have the energy to hold them up and your right one felt very off. You should ask Philza to brew you a potion of healing and maybe ask him why you woke up like this. Were you in for a really bad molt?

Stumbling your way down the hallway and dragging your feet, you almost fell over a couple of times. The stairs were going to be a massive pain if you could barely walk down the hall. Your body lurched forward as your foot caught the edge of a rug. You yelped as the ground quickly met your face, your arms not cooperating when you tried to move them to catch yourself. 

Feeling a stabbing pain in your nose, you laid there for a little bit hearing the door next to you swing open. Without looking at him, your scratchy, muffled voice called out.

“Wilby, thank god you’re here. Can you help me up? My legs aren’t working today for whatever reason. I think I’m gonna molt soon.”

He gently pulled you up and wrapped his arms around you in a hug, smooshing your face into his shoulder. You pulled away slightly to look up at him. He was smiling widely at you and his face looked blotchy. Wilbur never cried in front of anyone, so naturally you were incredibly worried for your older brother.

“Wil, are you crying?”

He just pulled you into another tight hug. Hissing in discomfort, you felt him push on your sore muscles.

“Wil, as much as I love you, can you please let me go? Everything feels really sore.”

He pulled away again, giving you a little confused smile. “I’m so sorry, do you want me to take you downstairs? We can get Dad to make you a potion.”

You returned his smile. “I’d appreciate that. But can you carry me? I don’t wanna move anymore.”

“Of course.”

Chuckling, he turned around and crouched gesturing for you to get on his back. A few unsteady moments later, you were successfully on Wilbur’s back and started your much quicker journey downstairs. You rested your cheek on his back and hummed in content. You found comfort in hearing his heartbeat, even if it was beating faster than usual. 

Quickly reaching the couch, he gingerly put you down on it and made sure you didn’t lay on top of your wings. They sprawled behind you over the back of the couch. 

“Stay right here, I’m going to get Dad.”

He walked outside with large strides, leaving you by yourself in the living room. You closed your eyes and pondered why today was so strange. First, you couldn’t move this morning. Second, Wilbur, your collected older brother, was crying. Third, Philza was up and outside. Usually he’s basically unresponsive in the mornings. He would never be up and about this early. 

Opening your eyes when you heard hurried footsteps rushing toward you. Why’d you get déjà vu? Why did you feel so… so scared? Your panicked eyes landed on your dad running towards you with all your brothers following suit. You relaxed seeing your family. But why did they look at you with relief and tears in their eyes? Even Technoblade looked relieved. 

Philza landed on his knees next to the couch before placing a gentle hand on your cheek. His worried blue eyes scanned you and he stared at you with a gentle smile.

“...Hey hun, how are ya feelin’?”

“I’ve had better days. I just feel really stiff, I think I’m going to have a bad molt this year.”

Your brothers looked at each other with confusion. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear, Philza crinkled his brows. “Hun, do you not remember what happened? You-”

Tommy interrupted, “You died. SOMETHING KILLED YOU AND YOU RESPAWNED. HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT?”

Flinching back, you deadpanned. “Gremlin, I think I’d remember if I lost one of my lives. My entire body feels like shit, but I sure as hell didn’t die. That’s just absurd.”

Philza gently grabbed your wrist and pulled down your sleeve. Instead of the usual three red hearts that were etched into your skin, only two stared back at you. You stuttered as your brain processed what you saw. You... died? How? Why couldn’t you remember your own death? 

Your thoughts were interrupted as Philza spoke up. “You died, (y/n).”

“I… How?”

Philza pursed his lips together. “You were killed by The Warden. You were out mining.”

You looked at your hands. “Who’s The Warden?”

“It’s a mob that usually spawns in subterranean caves. We’re not exactly sure how you died, but… but you died down there, (y/n). You lost a life.”

You took in a shuddering breath. How could you be so damn careless? Were you falling back into your dangerous stunts phase? Did you get yourself killed? Why couldn’t you remember anything?

“Hun, do you want me to get you a potion for the stiffness?”

“...Yes please.” 

“Tommy, can you please go get them a potion of healing? WIlbur, can you get a glass of water for them?”

Without a word, Tommy and WIlbur ran out of the room, leaving you with Philza and Techno. The piglin hybrid wouldn’t even look at you. Philza ran a comforting hand through your hair as he waited for your brothers to return. 

When they came back, Wilbur helped prop you up so you could drink the potion and water. They soothed your scratchy throat and you felt your body fill up with warmth. It was always nice to drink a healing potion when you were hurt. Most of the stiffness and soreness that was previously rooted deep in your muscles was alleviated and you felt some of your nerves melt away. Now only your right wing was sore. You stretched, feeling a tugging sensation on the skin of your back around the base of your right wing. 

“That’s better. I think I’m going to go shower, I feel absolutely disgusting.”

Not giving your worried family any room to argue with you, you swung your legs over the side of the couch and shakily stood up. Philza tried to help steady you, but you wove him off. If you were weak enough to die, you thought, you needed to prove yourself to your family that you were strong. You needed to do things yourself. 

As you were shakily making your way up the stairs, Philza was following you, probably making sure you don’t kill yourself again. He was fussing over your wellbeing, you did just die and you were acting surprisingly calm about it.

“At least let me help you preen your wing.”

“Dad, I can preen my own wings. I’m 17.”

“I know hun. I just want to help you.”

“Dad. I can do it myself, I’ve been doing it alone since I was 10, and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.”

Without giving him any more room to try to convince you, you closed the bathroom door in his face. You understood and appreciated that he was worried about you, but you needed to do things on your own if you were going to prove your strength to your family. You were angry that he thought you couldn’t do a simple thing by yourself. You could still hear him breathing from the other side of the door.

Peeling off your jacket, you ran your fingers along your left wing. The feathers were more out of place than usual, you must’ve gotten pretty fucked up by The Warden if they were this messy. After about 10 minutes of frustrated preening, you twisted your torso around slightly to reach for your other wing, but you couldn’t see anything. Why couldn’t you see anything? Your wings were large enough for you to completely wrap your body in them twice and then some, so it didn’t make sense to you. 

Turning around to face the wall across the bathroom mirror, you spread out your wings and craned your head around to look at your right wing. Your eyes were met with a featherless nub that matched your skin tone. An ugly, discolored scar covered the entirety of the right side of your back. Without warning, memories flashed in front of your eyes at rapid fire.

A monsterous being towered over you, standing completely still. You held your breath as it just stood there. It walked away so you started to walk away. Everything lit up as you started to run from the thing chasing you. Blood pounded in your ears as panic engulfed your entire being as you tried to fly away, but you were caught. It effortlessly swung you around as it screamed. You felt your wing rip from your body and you flew across the cave. You couldn’t breathe. What did you do to deserve this?

“../n).”

You reached around to feel your wing, but you only grabbed the bone sticking out of your body. You felt anguish as you realized that you just lost a limb. You watched it drag your wing into the depths of the cave, leaving you completely and utterly alone as you slowly died.

“...(y/n)..”

You were crying in pain as you felt everything that happened crash down on you all at once. You laid there for what felt like hours as you sobbed and dry heaved. You prayed to whatever god was above that you would be put out of your misery soon. You felt as your body slowly got colder and colder. You were drifting in and out of consciousness. You couldn’t breathe. Please, for the love of god, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it sto-

“(Y/N).”

You saw a hazy figure in front of you. You felt someone’s hands gripping your shoulders in a firm grasp, you thrashed about trying to get out of it’s grip. You saw the monster that took your wing from you. The thing that killed you. You threw your arms about blindly in a desperate attempt to land a hit to try and get it to let you go. The only reason it let you go in the cave was when your wing was torn off, was it going to take your arms too?

You felt a smack as your hand collided with what you guessed was its grotesque face. It yelped and jumped back, releasing its grip on you. Its yelp strangely sounded like your dad’s voice. Your mind was probably playing tricks on you, your dad wasn’t here. You needed to get out. You scrambled up to your feet and bolted. You weren’t going to get killed again, especially by that thing. 

“(Y/N)!”

How did it know your name? More importantly, how was it talking to you? You were probably still in the cave bleeding out as your delirious mind turned stone into the comforting walls of your home. You were probably imagining hearing your dad’s voice in a last chance to comfort yourself as you neared your impending doom. 

Running down the hall, you made your way to the stairs. You couldn’t jump over the banister, you would probably break your legs again without both of your wings. Your vision was tunneling as you only focused on how to get out and away from the monster. When you were halfway down the stairs, you saw Tommy sprinting up to you looking panicked. No one deserves to die in the way you did, especially not him. 

“Oh my god, Tommy we need to get you out of here, it’s coming for us.”

He grabbed your shoulders and bent over to look you in the eye, “(y/n), whatever you’re seeing is not real, you-”

“We need to go now!”

He was cut off as you grabbed his hand and drug him down the stairs. You could hear the thing coming closer. It started to come towards you and Tommy. You yanked him along with you as you reached the living room and sprinted towards the front door. You could taste the freedom. It tasted sweet. 

Right as you grasped the door handle, you felt Tommy wrap his arms around your waist and pull you back. What the fuck, did he want to die?

“Tommy, if you don’t let me go now, it’s gonna get us. Please, you don’t wanna die the way I did.”

He said nothing as he turned you around and blocked the doorway with his body. The monster turned the corner and entered your sights. You’d be damned if you let Tommy die. You were determined to protect him even if you ended up dying a second time. 

You puffed up your wing and shifted your body into a stance that you hoped was threatening. Pushing Tommy behind you and shielding him with your wing, you harshly glared at it.

“You fucking bastard, ya here for seconds? Was my wing not enough for you? Well, I’ve got bad news for ya, I won’t let you kill me again. I won’t let you near my brother.”

“(Y/n), it’s me,” it croaked out in your dad’s voice and started to slowly walk towards you, holding its arms up. Why wasn’t it shambling like it did in the cave? You felt more fear well up in your gut as you stepped back.

“You’ve got a lotta audacity to use my father’s voice against me. I’ll rip you to shreds if you step any closer to us. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU.”

It stepped back, it’s mouth impossibly frowning more as more drool pooled from its mouth. Tommy wrapped his arms around yours as he bound you to his chest. Thrashing, you desperately tried to get out of his hold.

“TOMMY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU WANT TO DIE? THAT THING IS RUTHLESS, IT WILL TEAR YOU APART LIMB BY LIMB JUST LIKE IT DID TO ME. DO YOU WANT THAT?”

He once again said nothing. You felt your hair on the top of your head start to dampen. You heard more footsteps running to you. Techno and Wilbur appeared behind the monster. They looked absolutely terrified. Were you going to watch your older brothers die?

Your chest heaved as you looked at them with wide eyes. “Tech, Wil please, for the love of god run while you still can. It’s in front of you.”

They glanced at each other before Wilbur grabbed the monster’s arm. You screamed in horror as it looked at him. To your confusion, Wilbur wasn’t grabbed. He just gently led the monster away into the kitchen.

“I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU TOUCH A SINGLE HAIR ON HIS HEAD, YOU’LL MEET A FATE WORSE THAN MINE. I WILL MAKE SURE YOU SUFFER MORE THAN I DID, YOU GODDAMNED FREAK.”

Your hoarse screaming was interrupted as Tommy squeezed you against his chest tighter. Techno slowly approached you, making sure that you saw his every move, and bent over to look you in the eye. Tommy’s arms tightened around you, scared that you were going to lash out at Technoblade.

“(Y/n), The Warden isn’t here. You’re home, you’re not in the cave. You’re safe.”

You studied his face. Was he even real? Was any of this real? He looked real. Then again, everything around you looked real.

“I… Tech, are-are you real? Is any of this real?”

Techno pulled you out of Tommy’s arms and pulled you into his own tight embrace. He pressed a hand on the back of your head and pushed your face into his shoulder, rocking you back and forth. Your forehead tickled where you felt the end of his braid brush against your skin. You started to sob into his chest.

“Tech, I was so scared. I… I thought I was gonna die again. Please don’t let me die.”

“The Warden isn’t here, (y/n). I’m real. The house is real. You are home. No one else is here besides Dad, Wilbur, Tommy, me, and you. You’re safe. We won’t let you die again.”

He repeated the same things over like a mantra. With each reassurance, you felt yourself calm down. Techno’s soothing, monotone voice gave you something that wasn’t too overstimulating to center your focus on. You cried until you didn’t have any tears left to cry. Even after you were done crying, Techno continued to rock you back and forth, caressing your hair on the crown of your head like he did when you were kids. 

The voices in his head have been screaming at him nonstop since he saw that they had lost a life earlier in the day. They were telling him that he was stupid for letting you go mining alone. That he was a failure for letting you die alone. He couldn’t hear his own thoughts. He could only attempt to comfort you while trying to ignore the voices.

Tommy stood stiff at the door watching you two. For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do. His older sibling was always calm and collected. He’s never seen you react like that. He’s never seen you so terrified. You were always the one to comfort him, never the other way around. You were there to give him hugs when he scraped his knee as a child. You were there when he’d have nightmares. You always made sure that he was alright. He was truly stumped.

Meanwhile in the dining room, Philza sat at the head of the table staring blankly at his folded hands placed in his lap. Wilbur had pulled up a chair to sit next to him, rubbing his back in small circles. The two didn’t speak to each other. Instead, they were listening to your heartbreaking sobs as Techno’s deep voice rumbled lowly underneath your sobbing. 

Wilbur didn’t know how to comfort his dad. Hell, he didn’t know how to comfort himself. His little sibling just died, forgot about it, and remembered it in the span of six short hours. Your death must’ve been traumatizing if you were reliving it. He didn’t know how to comfort you, he always was the one, besides Philza, to comfort you when you were upset as a kid. He felt completely lost.

Philza remembered how he felt his heart drop when he heard you start to scream from the other side of the bathroom door. The instinct to comfort his child overpowered his rational thought as he opened the door. He found you curled in on yourself on the ground with your only wing tightly wrapped around you mid panic attack. He asked you multiple times if it was alright to touch you, but you never responded. You just kept your eyes screwed shut. He was crouched in front of you trying to get you out of your trance before he decided to put his hands on your shoulders. That made you finally open your eyes. He tried to give you a smile, but you started to flail your arms. He dodged the best he could, but your movements were too erratic and you ended up smacking him across the face.

He felt so scared for you when you ran away from him in a panic. He thought you were going to hurt yourself when you reached the stairs. He felt like someone tore his heart out and stomped on it when he realized that you were afraid of him. You saw him as your murderer. When you started to threaten him, he saw just how terrified you were of dying again. How terrified you were of him killing you. You didn’t react when tears started to slip down his cheeks. He didn’t care that you were threatening him, he cared that his own child was terrified of him.

At the moment, you were slowly fading out of consciousness in your brother's hold. You felt completely drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. You barely registered Techno picking you up and carrying you up the stairs to your room, laying you on your bed. He even covered your wing with your blanket.

Taglist (comment if you want to be added to the series taglist): @acecarddraws   @goldenstarofthunderclan  @ravennightingaleandavatempus @dirtydiavolo  @immadatmostthings  @hee-hee-haw  @jackalopedoodles  @m1lkmandan  @vanhakirja  @im-a-depressed-gay  @coolleviauchihadreamerlove  @questioning-sanity @bongwaterflavoredgatorade  @kakamiissad  @lifestylesleep  @speedymaximoff  @sun-shark-tooth  @camisascam  @yeiras-world  @jayistrash  

[guernsey-island]

Please answer 1-98 >:3

Weird asks that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?      water bottles 2. chocolate bars or lollipops?      chocolate bars 3. bubblegum or cotton candy?      cotton candy, though I don't like either very much 4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?      I don't know 5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?      plastic cups??? 6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?      sportswear I guess 7. earbuds or headphones?      I only have earbuds right now, but I like both 8. movies or tv shows?      tv shows, but that doesn't mean I don't like movies too 9. favorite smell in the summer?      the ocean 10. game you were best at in p.e.?      capture the flag 11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?      whatever I can find 12. name of your favorite playlist?      "Good Songs :D" 13. lanyard or key ring?      key ring 14. favorite non-chocolate candy?      I don't particularly like any non-chocolate candy. Too artificial and sweet :/ 15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?      Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes 16. most comfortable position to sit in?      leaning back and with my legs out 17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?      white converse 18. ideal weather?      raining or a mild temperature like 80 degrees F paired with high humidity 19. sleeping position?      I fall asleep on my side and wake up on my back 20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?      Google docs heheh 21. obsession from childhood?      I was one of those warrior cats kids (no, I didn't pretend to be warrior cats at recess) 22. role model?      Snickers 23. strange habits?      popping my back, checking sunset/sunrise times 24. favorite crystal?     all crystals are great 25. first song you remember hearing?      Counting Stars by OneRepublic 26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?      hiking 27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?      reading 28. five songs to describe you?      Modern Loneliness- Lauv // Scared of Heights- Loving Caliber // backpack- slchld // By Now- Will Jay // Come True- khai dreams, Forrest., Biskwiq 29. best way to bond with you?      don't annoy me 30. places that you find sacred?      the beach when no one is there or deep in the mountains 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?      ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 32. top five favorite vines?      road work ahead, jared 19, damn daniel, 2 bros chillin in a hot tub, x files theme 33. most used phrase in your phone?      probably >:3 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?      that spotify ad about peter and jumping/skipping rope. IF you knew what an 8track tape was!! 35. average time you fall asleep?      ~2:30am 36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?      the pepe the frog memes 37. suitcase or duffel bag?      suitcase 38. lemonade or tea?      lemonade but tea is also superb 39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?      lemon cake bc I've never had lemon meringue pie 40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?      I don't really remember. Let's go with Mr. Rightmyer and Mr. Mikow in general (ig matrix_multiplication). or maybe the time Sami put a lamp on her head and pretended to be Shaggy 41. last person you texted?      Snickers 42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?      jacket pockets 43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?      hoodie 44. favorite scent for soap?      hmmm something tropical 45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?      sci-fi 46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?      clothing 47. favorite type of cheese?      swiss or colby jack or parmigiano-reggiano 48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?      peaches bc they're the best fruit 49. what saying or quote do you live by?      "you become what you think about" "success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal"- Earl Nightingale "the opposite of courage is not cowardice, it is conformity" "sanity and happiness are an impossible combination"- Mark Twain "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading"- Lao Tzu "failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough" - Og Mandino 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?      let's go with https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TilHylia7rE and more recently, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voncdcV648g 51. current stresses?      upcoming exams, writing essays 52. favorite font?      My current favorites are Frank Ruhl Libre, Overlock, and Rajdhani 53. what is the current state of your hands?      good, though I perpetually have a bump on one finger from writing too much 54. what did you learn from your first job?      job?? what job? 55. favorite fairy tale?      three little pigs 56. favorite tradition?      sleeping 57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?      I don't know 58. four talents you’re proud of having?      Freestyling (ground moves and juggling), shooting knuckleballs, popping my back really well, running a 5-6 minute mile 59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?      I don’t know what my catchphrase would be 60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?      a shonen where the protagonist is trying to survive in a crazy world, become the best at something, or master some special power (examples: tower of god or solo leveling if it was an anime) OR something with a mafia 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?      "Well, if you only knew how little I really know about the things that matter"- Elio in cmbyn the movie (think about this quote all the time) "Let us cultivate our garden"-Candide in Candide by Voltaire “The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas.”- Sinclair in Demian by Hermann Hesse “I wanted only to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult?”- Sinclair in Demain by Hermann Hesse “Know yourself and go in swinging.”- More than this by Patrick Ness “Just leave me alone. I’m not myself. I’m falling apart, and I don’t want you here.”- Charlie in Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes Tons of quotes and references from Arthur, httyd, and other media 62. seven characters you relate to?      Lance (vld), zuko (atla), okonkwo (things fall apart), nwoye (things fall apart), bokuto (haikyuu), sinclair (demian), hiccup (httyd) 63. five songs that would play in your club?      Wednesday Girl- Elijah Who, Aso, Peachy!, Kudasaibeats, slchld // Way Back Home- SHAUN, Conor Maynard, Sam Feldt // Let Me Down Slow (Acoustic)- New Hope Club // Crush Culture- Conan Gray // All Night Long- TAEYEON, LUCAS 64. favorite website from your childhood?      animal jam 65. any permanent scars?      I have a ton of scars on my legs and knees. I ran into a cart at staples once and have a big scar from that. I have a few scars on my elbows too 66. favorite flower(s)?      columbine (CO state flower) 67. good luck charms?      none 68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?      I have no idea 69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?      I don’t know 70. left or right handed?       right 71. least favorite pattern?      cheetah or zebra print 72. worst subject?      hmmm biology but only bc I don't put in the effort 73. favorite weird flavor combo?      I don't know. I like food 74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?      I don't think I've experienced enough pain to accurately answer this question. I've only taken ibuprofen once (when I got my wisdom teeth taken out), but I didn't think it was that necessary to take 75. when did you lose your first tooth?      probably when I was six 76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?      scalloped potatoes, hash browns, Spanish tortillas, potato salad, mashed potatoes 77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?      aloe vera 78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?      sushi from a grocery store 79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?      school ID 80. earth tones or jewel tones?      earth tones 81. fireflies or lightning bugs?      they're called fireflies 82. pc or console?      pc 83. writing or drawing?      writing 84. podcasts or talk radio?      podcasts 84. barbie or polly pocket?      no 85. fairy tales or mythology?      mythology 86. cookies or cupcakes?      cookies 87. your greatest fear?      Accidentally biting off my tongue and then choking on it, seeing things in mirrors, being stabbed with a knife as I enter a hotel elevator, receiving emails 88. your greatest wish?      Happiness??? I don’t know 89. who would you put before everyone else?      Snickers 90. luckiest mistake?      I don't know 91. boxes or bags?      boxes 92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?      sunlight 93. nicknames?      let's not talk abt that,,, 94. favorite season?      spring or summer 95. favorite app on your phone?      google play books, goodreads, tumblr, kakaotalk, spotify, google keep 96. desktop background?      it's a slideshow. the background at the moment is a photo of Manarola, Italy taken by Peter Hegedus. It's one of my favorite photographs of all time 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?      three not including 911 (so four) 98. favorite historical era?     1300s in the Mongol empire or around when the spice trade was at its peak, 1800s in America during westward expansion, 1920s, ancient egypt, Harlem Renaissance 

[lazingonsunday]

Tag Game!!

I was tagged by @gretavanfic and @bigthighsandstupidguys , thank you, lovelies!! 💛

1. What is your middle name?

Starts with G lol

2. How old are you?

20

3. When is your birthday?

Dec 2

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Everyone is putting like moon and sun and rising and I have no idea what that mean lmao, sorry! I think I’m a Sagittarius though

5. What is your favourite colour?

Orange or Yellow 🧡💛

6. What’s your lucky number?

Don’t really have one, but I always tried to be #10 on my volleyball jersey

7. Do you have any pets?

An old border collie named Riley

8. Where are you from?

Canada! 🇨🇦

9. How tall are you?

Like 5’7 ish

10. What shoe size are you?

Usually 9.5 or 10. I got big ass feet :(

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Way more than one human being needs

12. What was your last dream about?

I went to IT chapter 2 last night so safe to say I was having some freaky clown dreams all night lol

13. What talents do you have?

Um, I can say the alphabet backwards, which is super random lol. I can also kinda play guitar, bass, ukulele, and harmonica, but I’m not very good at any of them yet lol

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I used to think so when I was little, but not so much anymore

15. Favourite song?

Ooh, this is hard. Right now I really love When The Curtain Falls by GVF, but I would say an all time fave might be Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond because it reminds me of my mom

16. Favourite movie?

Oh, also a tough one! I think either Rocky IV or The Sandlot

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Jake Kiszka, obviously. But in all seriousness, anyone who is genuinely kind that I feel comfortable and happy around.

18. Do you want children?

I never thought so, but now a bunch of my older cousins are having kids and they’re pretty cool, so maybe one day if I found the right person to raise them with

19. Do you want a church wedding?

No, even though my mom will kill me if I don’t lol

20. Are you religious?

I was raised Catholic, but I don’t consider myself religious anymore.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes, I’m asthmatic af lol, and prone to breaking my fingers playing rugby

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

No, I am a well-behaved child

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I met the magicians Penn & Teller if that counts haha

24. Baths or showers?

For practical purposes of actually getting clean, showers, but I l o v e baths

25. What colour socks are you wearing?

Black

26. Have you ever been famous?

No

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

While I daydream about it frequently, realistically I know I would hate it

28. What type of music do you like?

Literally the most random taste in music, it changes all the time. I don’t even have certain genres that I like, just certain artists or albums from a variety of genres

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. I was very drunk lmao

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Three normal ones and a body pillow

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

On my side cuddled up with the pillows

32. How big is your house?

Typical white suburban neighbourhood house

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

I typically pout in the kitchen for 10 minutes before I give up and make something completely inappropriate for breakfast lmao. Usually grilled cheese. This morning alphagetti. I hate breakfast so much lol

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Nope. No desire to.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes, we did it in school a few times

36. Favourite clean word?

Love

37. Favourite swear word?

Idk if it’s a swear word, but I say ‘goddammit’ a lot

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Not long, I’m a sleepy bitch. Probably 24 hours

39. Do you have any scars?

Yes

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

In 9th grade I found out this guy had a crush on my and told literally everyone but me lol

41. Are you a good liar?

I don’t lie very often, but mostly because I am a terrible liar

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Yes. I frequently get such strong vibes off of people and I can tell right away if they’re the kind of person that’s gonna stress me out

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Not well

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I guess I probably have a Canadian accent, but not super strong. The region I’m from has a pretty neutral North American accent

45. What is your favourite accent?

Certain regions of Irish accent are so beautiful. Like Hozier’s accent

46. What is your personality type?

Quite shy, but generally very kind

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

I have a shirt that I got for work that was like a hundred bucks and I never wear it cause I sprayed foundation on it once and now I’m scared I’m gonna ruin it lol

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes

49. Are you an innie or outie?

Innie

50. Left or right handed?

Right

51. Are you scared or spiders?

Not really scared of them, but I don’t like them to be close to me if that makes sense

52. Favourite food?

Probably burritos

53. Favourite foreign food?

Mexican

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

Fairly clean

55. Most used phrase?

I really don’t think I have one?

56. Most used word?

Completely. I say it like to agree with someone or acknowledge what they’re saying

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Depends what I’m getting ready. For school or something I don’t really care about, maybe half an hour. For work or going out, probably over an hour.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think so

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck until I get bored and crunch it lol

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes, a concerning amount. Like full conversations with myself at full volume, constantly when I’m alone.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Occasionally

62. Are you a good singer?

Not really

63. Biggest fear?

Never learning how to make meaningful connections , pushing all my friends away, and dying alone.

64. Are you a gossip?

No, I hate it! My friends try to tell me about people we went to high school with, and I just genuinely don’t care and don’t want to know lmao

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Idk what classifies as a ‘dramatic’ movie, but I guess the Rocky movies again

66. Do you like long or short hair?

I love long hair, I’m so jealous of people with really long hair. Mine grows so slow :(

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Maybe, if I thought really hard about it? I can barely remember Canadian provinces lmao

68. Favourite school subject?

I always really loved some topics in science, but then hated others. I was probably best at English.

69. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert af

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No, even snorkeling freaks me out. The ocean is some scary soup

71. What makes you nervous?

Pretty much everything lol. But mostly any social situation where there’s people I don’t know, or I don’t know exactly what to expect.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Really depends where I am. Usually no, but if I’m outside then usually yes, and after watching It last night, yes lol

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Depends who it is and what the mistake is

74. Are you ticklish?

Honestly, not really

75. Have you ever started a rumour?

Not intentionally

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Kind of? At work they have like hourly leaders who are in charge of the sales floor, and I did that a lot, but it’s not really a lot of power or responsibility. Also babysitting I guess

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yes

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Honestly, this is gonna sound so stupid, but I’ve never done anything other than alcohol and cigarettes. I actually high key wanna try weed, but again the whole ‘not knowing what to expect makes me anxious thing.’ Not even so much that I’m nervous to try the drug but that I’m nervous to try to buy it or get it, even though it’s fully legal in Canada and there’s a dispensary on every corner lmao

79. Who was your first real crush?

The first one I remember was a boy named Evan in first grade

80. How many piercings do you have?

Just my ears, and I rarely wear earrings so I always have to stab through them again when I do

81. Can you roll your R’s?

No, and I can’t whistle either! Which is deeply infuriating!

82. How fast can you type?

Fast enough to not look foolish

83. How fast can you run?

Not fast at all. I’m asthmatic and out of shape lmao

84. What colour is your hair?

An ugly medium mousy brown. I always wanna dye it a little lighter, but I go to the hairdresser like once every two years so it would look stupid when it grew out lol

85. What colour are your eyes?

Hazel-y greenish

86. What are you allergic to?

All sorts of environmental allergies; dust, pollen, animal hair, etc. I’m always sneezing and watery eyes lol

87. Do you keep a journal?

I carry a notebook, but it’s more like an agenda than a diary

88. What do your parents do?

My dad owns a drywall company and my mom is a stay-at-home mom, but she volunteers a lot now that we’re older

89. Do you like your age?

No. I think that being in your late teens and twenties can be really stressful because you feel like there’s certain things that you should have accomplished or experienced and it can be very overwhelming, feeling like you’re competing with all your peers to get your life together

90. What makes you angry?

Rude and disrespectful people

91. Do you like your own name?

Not really

92. Have you thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I’ve definitely thought about it but I don’t really have specific favourites

93. Do you want a boy or girl for a child?

I don’t have a preference. I’d probably like to have one of each

94. What are your strengths?

I think I’ve become a lot more kind and open-hearted in the last few years.

95. What are your weaknesses?

I feel like I have let fear dictate my entire life, and there’s so many things I haven’t done because I’ve been afraid. I need to step outside my comfort zone more often.

96. How did you get your name?

There was a character on a TV show called my name that my parents liked

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Not that I am aware of

98. Do you have any tattoos?

I changed the question because scars was an earlier one. I have two tattoos on my right arm

99. Colour of your bedspread?

Because it’s summer, I have a lighter blanket that’s light blue. My winter duvet is navy

100. Colour of your room?

Light blue

That was LONG lmao but really fun! I’m too lazy to bold the questions so sorry if it’s hard to read!

Tagging: @frcmthefires @sweetkiszkadreams @okietrish @sammyscherub @gretavanbobatea @jake-thomas-kiszka @mr-stank-i-dont-feel-so-dank and anyone else who wants to do it!!

[mojo562j]

My Living Nightmare Caused by Liver Disease

My nightmare started overnight, sometime in the spring of 2013. After 4 straight days of binge drinking, I woke up and immediately noticed my stomach was swollen as an 8-month pregnant woman. I lifted my bed sheets and saw a mixture of blood and pus running down my thighs.

I immediately rushed to the restroom to clean up the mess. Then, I urinated. The color was rusty looking- a mixture of orange and dark brown. I looked in the mirror and noticed that the whites of my eyes and the color of my skin was yellow.

I panicked. I knew I had a major medical problem.

I immediately rushed to the ER. The nurse drew blood, then the technicians performed an MRI and an ultrasound. About an hour later, the doctor sat beside me and regretfully informed me that I had liver cirrhosis. I quickly said, “please doctor, tell me that I can still drink?” He replied “yes, but you won’t live longer than three months” I went into shock. I couldn’t imagine my life without alcohol. Next, he inserted a thin plastic tube into my abdomen and drained about 9 liters of fluid.

Liver cirrhosis is a relentless, nasty, barbaric painful disease with no mercy whatsoever! Compared to others with this disease, my case was more severe. When I arrived home from the ER, I had a massive sharp pain running down my lower back and upper thigh, similar to a sciatic nerve, except the pain was much more intense.

The decades of alcohol and drug abuse suddenly caught up with me.

The doctor that diagnosed me with liver cirrhosis told me that he strongly recommended that I take the next flight back to the US. He informed me that the Philippines is a developing country and doesn’t have medical technology as advanced as the US. He said if I stayed there, I’ll probably die.

So, I bought a ticket for the next flight to the US, then walked to the nearest bar. It was July 18th, 2013, my birthday. It would be the last time I ever drank. I sat alone. I needed to mourn. I was devoid of any emotion. I remember gazing at the people in the bar. Most of them were smiling and laughing. However, for some strange reason, I couldn’t hear them-they were on mute.

I knew this was going to be my last drink ever. I suddenly felt like I lost my closest loved one. I relived the first time I took a sip of beer, at the tender age of five-Budweiser in a can. I remembered all the times I got arrested as a teen (13 times), for alcohol related offenses. I  reminisced getting hooked on heavy drugs because of alcohol. I recalled my head getting bashed in the middle of the street by five Blood gang members from South-Central L.A. because of alcohol. I remember attempting suicide because of alcohol. I recalled the countless problems associated with alcohol. And now I am dying because of alcohol. It was at this moment, that I realized I hit rock bottom. The game was over.

So, I stared at the empty beer bottle. I had to say good-bye to something that I desperately clung onto for the past 35 years. I love the taste of alcohol. Until this day, I crave alcohol. I would much rather lock myself in my room and drink a 12 pack then go on a world cruise. You see, alcohol was my best friend, a substitute for a girlfriend, a father whom I’ve always wanted and most important, an escape from reality.

I am 53 years old, single and no kids.  

I knew once I stopped drinking, I would feel like I was on national television, naked for the world to see. I would be exposed. There would be nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run. How would I adjust to living sober? What would I do every day?  

When I returned to the US, my condition worsened. For the next three years, I suffered the following:  nausea, vomiting, flu-like symptoms, anemia, insomnia, swollen feet, ankles and calves, Hepatitis C, type 2 diabetes, kidney failure, several infections, two hernias, gallstones, whole body itching, permanent loss of body hair, except scalp and facial hair, a constant metallic taste in my mouth, jaundice, sluggishness, bruises on my arms and legs, craters in my cheek bones and neck, nerve pain in my feet, excruciating abdominal pain, severe weight loss (went from 210 lbs. to 136 lbs.), swollen belly, diarrhea, anxiety, paranoia, massive hallucinations so intense that I fell into three comas, partial brain damage, muscle atrophy, severe leg cramps, extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, and sharp “stabbing-like” pains all over my body. I never imagined a dreadful disease with so many symptoms and so much pain!

Imagine having all of these symptoms for three years straight. Imagine having only one of these symptoms, such as the flu for 3 years straight. After a few months, I could no longer stand the pain. I wanted out. While in the hospital, three times I asked the doctors to put me under, permanently. They stared at me for a few seconds, turned around and walked away. There was nothing the doctors nor anyone else could do. If a liver is more than 75% damaged, it’s irreversible and irreparable. A liver transplant was my only option.

I recall never feeling warm. I was anemic. Even in the summer, I would wear a tee shirt, a long-sleeved shirt, 2 sweaters, and a jacket. No matter how many clothes I wore, I would still feel like my bones were in the freezer. The chill was relentless and wouldn’t go away.

There were many instances when I didn’t know my name, who I was, where I was, or what year it was. Every time I blacked out, the EMT always asked me what year it was and who is the current president of the US. I usually replied something like “1948. Bill Clinton.”

In late 2013, I had the scare of my life. My muscles were so weak, I couldn’t get out of bed for four days. I had no water during that time. I screamed for help, but to no avail. At the time, I was living alone in the Philippines. My parents hadn’t heard from me. They were worried and called the local Red Cross chapter in Long Beach, CA. A gentleman named Mike contacted the Manila, Philippine branch for assistance.

Suddenly, I heard my front door open. A doctor, nurse, a Red Cross volunteer and my landlord appeared at my bedside. I was briefly examined, then rushed to the ER. The doctor informed me that a human can go without water for about 6 days max. If it wasn’t for the Red Cross’s quick response in coordinating my rescue, I may not be alive today!

 During my two-year waiting period for a new liver, the doctors refused to give me morphine. They gave me two reasons why: one, my liver was so scarred, they were afraid I may die since opiates damage the liver. Two, I was an addict. No need for further explanation. I was prescribed only small doses of Tylenol, which did nothing to alleviate my pain.

In December 2013, my kidneys started to fail. I was on dialysis to clean my blood 3x a week for about 18 months. I couldn’t urinate for about 15 months straight. My kidneys failed to extract urine from my body. All the fluids I drank remained in my abdomen. This condition is known as ascites.

Every 5–6 days my stomach would start to balloon. As a result, my abdominal organs would suffocate from the weight of the fluid. I suffered a constant shortness of breath. I would keep my mouth wide open, gasping for air until my jaws ached. I felt like a fish out of water. Worse, I would experience massive abdominal pain. It felt like an elephant stepped on my stomach and wouldn’t get off.

My most painful experience was after my liver and kidney transplant. My surgery took about 17 hours. I ended up with massive amounts of blood clots settling at the tip of my penis. The nurses had to remove them. Every 2 hours around the clock, for the next 14 days they used a motorized pump with a plastic tube the diameter of a drinking straw, shoved it inside my penis and sucked out the blood clots. The pain was excruciating and barbaric.

You have no idea how sensitive the inside of a penis is. Extracting the blood clots felt like ripping off a finger nail and repeatedly stabbing the top of the skin with a sharp knife!

When I was in the hospital, prior to my transplant, my step- father collapsed right in front of the nursing station from a heart attack. I think it was from all the stress. What better place to have a heart attack?

I felt so helpless. My mother is old and there are just the three of us. Shortly after I was diagnosed with cirrhosis, my step-father quit his job and didn’t work for four years, so he could help my mother take care of me. I was a handful. It took around the clock supervision to take care of me. I would constantly scream in the middle of the night from either scorching pain or hallucinations. Since my mother is old, my father didn’t want her to be my sole caregiver.

The scariest events were the hallucinations. These were worse than nightmares. Unlike a nightmare, you’re awake during a hallucination. In your mind, it is real- it doesn’t just feel real.

I suffered what is known as hepatic encephalopathy. This condition occurs when the liver loses its capacity to eliminate toxins from the bloodstream. As a result, massive amounts of toxins flowed through my brain. This causes mass confusion and ultimately hallucinations. At higher toxicity levels, coma and even death may occur.

The feeling is very similar to a bad PCP trip. Every time my toxin level would skyrocket, I had a horrendously bad trip. One older ER doctor told my mother he never seen a patient with such high levels of ammonia. He said that normal ammonia levels are 15–45. My level was 503!

Once when I was at the hospital, I thought the walls were infested with snakes. I could hear the constant hissing sound. I knew I had to get rid of them. I didn’t want them to swarm me. So, I grabbed my walker and strolled down to the cafeteria. Next, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife and began cutting out the hospital walls! Pieces of drywall were everywhere. People were staring at me as though I had lost my mind! Security rushed me, tackled me and I ended up in restraints- one of 17 times during a three-year period.

Another time, I believed my sitting nurse was an alien trying to kidnap me and take me to another planet. This guy was intimidating. He was about 6′3′’, 270 lbs. I saw a syringe filled with what I believed to be poison in his left hand. I could hear the drops of liquid splattering on the tile floor as he glared at me.

My “captive” had an identical twin brother standing about 5 feet to his left. His twin was also holding a poison-filled syringe. They somehow managed to communicate to each other not through words, but via thoughts! I was horrified. They both had a stern look on their face. They constantly glanced at each other, then glared back at me. I sensed they were discussing which one was going to put me under. It was so bizarre.

I screamed and kicked so violently, security and staff had to restrain me. Without fail, the next day I awoke, strapped down with a rubber ball in my mouth, not knowing what the hell happened.

There was, however, one comedic event while hallucinating. At home, I was in the restroom for a very long time. When I came out, my mother asked me who the heck I was talking to. I paused, then replied “Calvin.” She said “Calvin who?” I replied “Calvin Klein.”

When I was on the toilet, I was staring at my underwear, which were down to my ankles. The name Calvin Klein was embroidered at the top. Apparently, I thought my underwear was the famous designer in the flesh! So, I’m sitting there, having a one-way conversation with my underwear! Don’t ask me what “we” discussed. I have no idea.

Another time, I believed several of my male nurses were posing as DEA agents. They were trying to arrest me. The DEA suspected me of assisting the Columbians with developing strategic drug smuggling routes to the US. The nurses wouldn’t stop staring at me. So, I waited until one of them wasn’t looking, and snuck up behind him. I stripped off my hospital gown, wrapped it around his neck and proceeded to choke him. Someone called security. When they arrived, I threatened them that I would choke the “agent” to death if they approached me.

I felt like an absolute madman. I recall that my eyes widened, and my facial expression looked like Charles Manson when he was pissed off. I remember possessing this enormous amount of strength. I had no idea where it came from. I threw the nurse to the floor like a ragdoll. For some odd reason I remember being extremely angry and paranoid. My toxin levels were through the roof.

Security kept their distance. I recall the presence of doctors, nurses and hospital staff in the background. The doctors were calm, but a couple of the nurses were hysterical. Security was ranting on their walkie talkies. About 5–6 minutes later, a handful of cops stormed through the hospital doors and surrounded me with their weapons pointed at me.

I kept hearing a doctor telling the police not to shoot-that I was hallucinating. A few minutes later, a nurse that took care of me and whom I was closest to started talking to me in a very calm manner. She kept telling me to relax, that everything was going to be ok. She kept telling me that I was under an enormous amount of stress and that I’m just having a bad day.

She kept asking me to slowly loosen my grip and relax. She then told me that my doctors will take care of me-that everything will be ok. At first, I thought she was part of the conspiracy. I was suspicious. However, I kept recalling how she always cared for me. I recalled the numerous times when she went beyond her duties as a nurse and was always there for me in my time of duress. She felt like a second mother.

About 20 minutes later my hallucination started to wear off. Since I trusted my nurse, I loosened my grip on the nurse that I had a stranglehold on. Next, the cops told the nurse to slowly stand and walk away. After that, the police started barking instructions at me. They told me to drop to my knees with my back facing them. Next, they told me to keep my arms raised high in the air. I complied. After that, they slowly approached me and told me to put my hands behind my back. Then, they proceeded to handcuff me.

A nurse arrived with a gurney. A couple of nurses lifted me on the gurney. The police immediately handcuffed both my wrists to the side bars. They wheeled me to the ER. A moment later a nurse injected me with a sedative. I immediately felt very relaxed and drowsy. Once again, I woke up the next day strapped to my bed wondering what the hell happened.

My ammonia levels were so high that I fell into a coma three times. The longest period was 23 days. About the 20th day, my doctors advised my parents to “get things in order.” They didn’t think I would make it. They feared my toxin levels were so high that if I awoke from the coma, I would be a vegetable. So, the hospital called hospice and they spoke with my parents about my living arrangements for my final days.

My mother fumed and told both hospice and my doctors that no matter what, she was not giving up. A while back, I told my mother if I was ever in a situation where I couldn’t make a life or death decision on my own, I didn’t want the doctors to pull the plug-no matter how much pain I was in.

When I awoke from my 23-day coma, I had no idea where I was. I felt as though I was a million miles from earth. Everything was extremely peaceful. I asked my sitting nurse where I was. He informed me I was in the hospital. I had no idea what a hospital was.

After I awoke, I was immediately bumped up the transplant list from #247 to #2. My failed kidneys were a blessing in disguise. My doctor told me that since both organs were failing, I had a much higher chance of dying. As a result, I was moved up the list very fast.

A couple weeks later, I was elevated to #1 on the transplant list. My nurse informed me that any day I should be expecting new organs. Cool. I asked her “how are the organs  delivered?” She told me via helicopter. She said there’s a landing pad on the top of the hospital. I recall I would get excited every time I heard a loud noise outside.

Approximately 10 days later, my nurse rushed in my room and cheerfully informed me that the organs are on their way. She told me the doctor will call me soon to discuss the details. I found it odd that a physician would call me on the phone.

About 20 minutes later, the doctor called. He told me that he was at blah blah prison. He said a 41-year-old male just committed suicide by hanging himself in his cell. He informed me the prisoner was an organ donor. The doctor told me that the prison officials gave he and a couple of other physicians with him only 15 minutes to visually inspect the organs. The doctor told me the organs appeared to be fine. He asked me if I wanted them. Since I was very confused at the time, I replied “what would you do if you were in my shoes?” He paused and said, “I would take them.” So, I did.

Later, the doctors told me they had a difficult time deciding whom shall receive the organs. It was between me and the patient next door. They informed me they select the beneficiary that has the greatest probability of surviving the operation. I was told I had about a 50% chance of surviving the surgery. That was higher than the other patient. My doctor said the other patient was weaker than me, hence the reason they chose me.

Prior to my transplant, the strangest thing happened. Thoughts continuously flooded my mind, at least 500 times during a two-year period. They kept telling me to share my story at AA, NA and high schools. Never in my life had I experienced recurring thoughts with no apparent ending. What am I supposed to make of this?

I spent hundreds of hours thinking about this and the only conclusion I could make is that God put these thoughts in my head. What other logical reason could it be? So, I made a covenant with God. I begged Him if He let me live, I would spend the rest of my life helping other addicts get clean.

On August 5, 2015, at 11:00 am, I had a liver and kidney transplant. I must admit, aside from the hallucinations, it was the scariest event I’ve ever endured. I never felt so alone in my life. I never forgot what I was up against: heads I survive, tails I die. My destiny was completely out of my hands. At this point, there was nothing my family, the priest or the doctors could say or do to guarantee me that I would survive.

Well, the surgery was a success. It took 17 hours. I had no complications, except massive chronic back pain that shoots through my body whenever I move.

After the transplant, I often wondered how I lived. Why did I get so lucky? Was God looking over me all this time? Was it His plan? What did I ever do for Him to deserve this? For some strange reason, I feel that I am destined to live. Maybe He’s telling me that it’s just not my time to go. I don’t know. Even three years later, tears stream down my face for no apparent reason. Like now. I’m not quite sure if they are tears of happiness, sadness or the trauma I suffered. Perhaps, it’s a mixture of all three.

On July 18, 2018, I accomplished something I never ever imagined- I celebrated five years of sobriety from alcohol. It’s been an incredibly difficult journey. The old Joe always succumbed to temptation. But I’m not the same person anymore. I’ll be damned if I’ll go through another living nightmare again.

I’ve been in bed for the past eight years. It’s so frustrating because there is nothing I could do about it. My inactivity has caused my muscle atrophy to return. My legs are like jelly again. Also, my lower back scorches with pain whenever I move. As a result, I have to sleep sitting up. The pain is so severe, I’m in bed an average of  23 and a half hours a day. The only time I get out of bed is to visit the doctor. I tried walking a few times, but my knees buckled, and I fell each time.

I’ve seen three doctors so far. They did x-rays, MRI’s, and CAT scans but can’t find the source of my back pain. My insurance company won’t allow me to see a back-pain specialist or get physical therapy because I already seen three physicians. With your  help, I plan to see a specialist and get physical therapy soon. Also, not only will I be able to walk again, but you’ll indirectly save other drug addicts’ lives. I know by sharing my story with addicts and high school kids, some of them will be able to realize the extreme psychological and physical trauma that alcohol and drug can cause and turn their lives around.

I always wondered what’s the purpose of life. I spent many years trying to figure it out. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know what mine is.

My Living Nightmare with Liver Disease. Liver cirrhosis is a relentless, barbaric, non-stop, excruciating painful disease with no mercy whatsoever! Witness the real horror as it unfolds prior to my liver and kidney transplant. Please help me walk again by donating now-even if it’s only $5, it would help me tremendously! www.gofundme.com/dreaming-to-walk-again  

Please share my story with friends and family so that I may walk again. Thank you so much!

[eris0330]

Hiraeth - Thirteen

☽Pairing☾ ; BTS | Reader

☽Genre☾ ; Angst

☽Word Count☾ ; 2.1k

☽Summary☾ Returning back to Korea after years of being under the ground, to see your parents. You wished it was all it took, to feel complete again. The aftermath of confusion, betrayal and sorrow was the reason to never come back into the boys presents. But it wasn’t until, seeing one them enter the same cafe, at the right time.

☽M. List☾ ;  1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 [ongoing]

As most of you know, I got RSI in my wrist and I wrote this chapter with mainly my left hand (non-dominant), so please bear with me if there are any typos or grammatical errors. (well, I always have grammatical errors so that shouldn’t be a surprise lol)

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Walking behind broad shoulders and his light blonde hair resembling every lamp above. You could only think about what was going to happen, when you couldn’t read his thoughts. It’s not that it was awkward, because you have known him for years but it was the idea, of going alone to a hotel together. You know what people meant, going to a love hotel and luckily, this one was rather luxurious like any other hotel, it must cost a fortune just for one night. His proposal of wanting a platinum room, probably made the premium cost become a lot higher. Wondering, if he even thought about the crowd of strangers outside that could have seen the scene progress to here. Even though you’re just friends, sometimes enemies, your heart felt like it was going to explode.

“569, Sir.” Standing to catch the glimpse of a golden door, the receptionist bowed once of respect before opening the door to watch the light flicker on. The man walking away with a light smile, to treat his other guests. Your silhouette lingering by the entrance as it didn’t take a second before Yoongi had settled for the edge of a king size bed to rest. His sighs were loud, but his voice was deep and rusty that I shook your bones.

“Are you going to come in, or what?” Shuffling inside as the door closed silently behind, it was like stepping into a new world. Your felt out of place and shocked of the fact, that this was how you were going to meet for the first time after so many years. Your coat put on the arm chair next to his leather jacket and your shoes properly displayed next to his by the door, you stepped over to sit beside him. The weight of the mattress wavering, making your hips budge against each other. Yoongi’s face was buried in the palm of his hands, unable to read his expression or thoughts. His cologne filling the room, sending old memories through your mind as time went by. Your legs squirming of the awkward silence, unknown to what the next thing was going to be.

“So… looks like Army could win a Hidden-things-game competition?” He spoke with a light smile, finally letting his face reveal from his cold hands. Your eyes meeting in a warm light, letting your sight fall upon his chocolate brown orbs. God how you missed it when he pouted while talking.

“Heh… yeah… I guess so…” Your words became unsettling, still nervous of the whole ordeal. Your true self was convinced they didn’t know you were back, but it was all a lie. Biting on your bottom lip, unsure what to ask about of all the things. How he was doing? What happened after the incident? Will you be able to meet the others? Did he still love yo-

“You look like Jungkook with that scar…” He blurted out, letting his finger trace along your cheekbone. Your own skin to skin contact, got you to automatically back away. He didn’t seem to be affected by it, but letting you settle back in position for him to continue stroking your cheek. It felt warm and nice, like home. There were no words exchanged, than the eye contact you kept.

“Well… The kids will be happy to see you” He spoke, retrieving his hand to his lap. An awkward smile formed on your face, while trying to laugh off the matter.

“Kids? Does that mean you call me a kid too? You’re not much older than me” You commented, finally feeling your body relax. But, something in every nerve were twitching. There was something missing and you couldn’t tell what it was.

“Well, no. Not always, but they are like kids. Like you, taking childish actions” He muttered, while blinking so painfully slow that you were unsure how to react. He didn’t show any emotions and for the first time, you felt like hitting him.

“Childish actions?” You questioned with narrowed brows, feeling the anger boil in your body.

“What do you want me to call it? Selfish?” He continued blurting out but kept his straight face. His hand forming to a knuckle, in the dim light on his jeans. He was angry and you could tell, this wasn’t a matter you would like to talk about either. But your own anger that build of the true fact, didn’t help to keep yourself calm.

“selfish???” Your voice was higher and threatening, making his lips form into a thin line. Arrowing his eyes on your body with a powerful clenching jaw, he took a deep breath before sticking his hands into his pockets.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Get some sleep, I’ll be going now.” He spoke, raising himself from the now, cold bed. His back turned your way and not being able to see your shocked expression of anger. You were now furious, of his sudden statement and then leaving you? Did he not have anything else to say? Nothing at all? There was a tiny bit regret in letting yourself follow him to here, but also that he didn’t miss you as much as you missed him. Your body responding quicker than your vocals could present words of how ungrateful he was, you caught the back of his collar to pull harder than ever. His body crashing upon the giant bed, as you straddled him with your weight and tying his hands down by force. You were slightly amazed of your strength, being able to pull him this far. A shocked expression formed on his face, noticing the tears that pooled in your eyes.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Calling me selfish to make a choice, that would leave me out of pain?! Don’t you think I know already?!! I regret it, alright?! Telling me it’s selfish, is the first thing you can say to me?! I come back and it’s like you don’t even fucking care! Like I was never away!” Your words were practically falling out, as you yelled into his face. His eyes growing wider by every sentence you played out and at every crying word, it felt like a stab into his chest. His brows scrunched in anger, before feeling the strength of his own body, overpowering you. Your arms locked above your head and suddenly, you became the damsel in distress.

“Don’t care?! I’m a fucking nervous wreck right now, because of you!-” He practically yelled with gritted teeth, but strangely held upon his deep vocals as a threat. It was nothing more, than a cry for him to continue speaking. It was now easy to sense his vibrating palms on your cold skin and his muscles tensing, by every little movement.

“-I know what it feels like, to not want to be in pain anymore… But that evening, that horrible evening, you decided to lock us all out. With just that, you were gone. Every day, I thought about you! Every day, I fucking thought I had a chance of seeing you! Every day, I blamed myself!... Every day… I missed you…-” You were in shock, seeing his emotions expressed in every fibre of his body. Anger, regret, betrayal and sorrow, a cocktail of grief. It was all in the tears of his eyes, mirroring your own before it fell upon your cheek to become one with the rest of your tears. Everything in your head didn’t make sense, but it also made a light flash upon a path you could remember. “-Every god damn time… I think about you… I always regret not being there sooner… Why didn’t you let us help…? Why didn’t you let us be a part of your pain, to find happiness together…? Why did you suddenly decide… that your demons were better than us…?” Crying, louder and louder. With tears continuing to fall and forced to watch Yoongi fall apart. Blood shot eyes, looking down on you with misery that you expected to come. But you never knew, it would be so hard to watch it unfold.

“Yoongi…” You tried to call out with the shakiest voice, for him to come back. To see that you were here, right beneath him. Letting him know, you wouldn’t walk away like that, ever again.

“Why…? Did you really think I wouldn’t miss my favourite person in the world…? Was my tears every night ever since then, a waste…?” People think that he’s bad at showing his gratitude or emotions like sorrow to others, but that’s wrong. Yoongi was always open to be soothing himself on your shoulder, after break ups, home sickness and horrible thoughts about everything that was wrong about him. He was always there to be by your side and even though you have had your tough sides, as friendly enemies. It was always weird, to see the tears fall harder each time. Right now, you could barely look at him. But you had to, he was broken and you needed to realise that it has always been like that. Watching the expression of grief display right before you, it never became easier to confront it. Hyperventilating, is the only definition you could explain of his breathing. He was shaking, like a cold puppy in the rain. His face puffed from the crying and eyes flashing, unknown what was going on with him. His body becoming weaker, to release his powers in one shout of cry. Your hand getting free without a struggle, you reached out for him. His warm cheek, embraced by your cold palm of comfort to see his eyes shut slowly of your touch. His breathing becoming deeper and calm, letting your hand drag his body closer to your own. It was peaceful, quiet and your arms surrounding each other to keep amenity. The emotions you were unable to express, shown in the way his head were placed in the crook of your neck. Unspeakable word, that were inexistent to any language other than your body. The way his fingers dug into your shirt, afraid you will leave him like before. Letting his demons get the best of him, to have them on his back every day and unsure when it will ever stop. For once, in a long time, it felt peaceful. No more demons, just you.

“I’m sorry…” You whispered softly, letting the heated atmosphere disappear. Without a response, you were unsure if he heard you or not. But the way his finger clenched tighter, told you he heard everything he needed to hear. Your heart was beating fast and it continued to skip beats, but knowing he was right there, made everything easier. Fingers running through his soft blonde hair, receiving slow breaths of warmth hit your skin. It didn’t surprise you, that this was the way you would meet Yoongi again. You were always the worst for each other, but also the most loyal. You were each other’s horrible truth, when no one else was there to punch reality into your souls.

“…I missed you, Yoongi… There was never a day that passed, without you and the others on my mind…” You continued to speak, not receiving a response than his body snuggling closer. Legs intertwined and your hearts beating slower, feeling every vibration and time flying by like a bird.

“...I’ll never leave you guys again… I promise…” You finished, not expecting an answer as he never gave one so far. Your body feeling heavy and throbbing of ache, as if you have never slept for days. Getting ready to close your eyes, indulging into the weak part of your presence you felt a stroke against your hand. Recognisable fingers sliding through your own, to hold them tightly to get warm.

“Good.” Simple, easy and fast. A quick deep response, that led you shed your last tears. Even though it wasn’t a huge sentence, you know that one word, could have many meanings behind it. For now, it put a huge boulder off your shoulders. Knowing he was sound asleep in the crook of your neck, that he claimed to be his safe spot back in the days. Fingers intertwined without the slightest fear of letting go again and contentment, that you once longed for. Being so close to him, was nostalgic as his heart beat against you. That was one, now only six more to go. It’s been a long time since you have fallen asleep so quickly and for him too, like a sweet dream. Even the incoming mountain of messages on his phone, couldn’t wake any of you...

[twerkhammett]

1-154

Holy fuck, good thing I have a long train ride😂1. Full nameAngelica DeLillo2. Age213. 3 fearsFailure, getting snatched up one of these nights im on the train alone, losing the people i care about4. 3 things I loveNik, food, and our cat5. 4 turn onsBiting, slapping (ass face and tits), being tied up or held down, and when he gets that mean look on his face and i know hes gonna be really rough with me ugh6. 4 turn offsI have had these experiences with almost every person I've been with except Nik..bad hygiene, being rushed (you cum yet?), bad oral and when i tell them what would feel good they dont listen..and worst of all sex that feels half assed. They just want to cum real quick, theres no passion or effort, they don't care if they please you at all. Fucking horrible..7. My best friendIn cali my best friend here besides Nik is Ashley, and I get to live with them both its awesome! In Florida I cant choose one cuz ive known them all forever and love those dudes..Mels, Denzel, Brauston, and Alicia8. Sexual orientationBisexual9. My best first dateWith Nikolas obviously 😉10. How tall i am5'611. What do I missMy friends and family back home12: What time were I born3:55pm13: Favourite colorGreen14: Do I have a crushOn my boyfriend😂15: Favourite quoteIdk man16: Favourite placeHard to choose one, maybe my bed😂17: Favourite foodI hate favorites..pizza and wings18: Do I use sarcasmNever :)19: What am I listening to right nowSlayer 20: First thing I notice in new personIf they're fuckin rude or not21: Shoe size822: Eye colorBrown23: Hair colorLight brownish? Auburn?24: Favourite style of clothingBlack25: Ever done a prank call?Yup27: Meaning behind my URLKirk twerkin28: Favourite movieKung Fury29: Favourite songCant choose30: Favourite bandStill cant choose my dude31: How I feel right nowMeh32: Someone I loveNik33: My current relationship statusIn love af its disgusting34: My relationship with my parentsPretty good these days35: Favourite holidayHalloween36: Tattoos and piercing i haveNips, lips, and ears37: Tattoos and piercing i wantA lot, whenever i get the money..38: The reason I joined TumblrMels made me join lol39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?I don't think he hates me, but i hate his bitch ass..40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?I used to get them from Nik but we live together so now he can just tell me lol41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?This morning42: When did I last hold hands?Yesterday43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?15mins, its caffeinating myself that can take time44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?Noooope45: Where am I right now?On BART46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?Nik, been a while since thats happened tho47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?Loud48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?Nope49: Am I excited for anything?For class to be over so i can relax lol...haven't even got there yet50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?Nik, Denzel, Brauston51: How often do I wear a fake smile?At work lmao52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Does my cat count? An hour ago lol53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?This would never happen, but I would go to jail if it did lol54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?Not that i know of?55: What is something I disliked about today?Nik had to work early and I've been sexually frustrated af56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?James57: What do I think about most?Nik and food are tied i think58: What’s my strangest talent?Idk59: Do I have any strange phobias?Eh not really60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind61: What was the last lie I told?Not sure, probably at work lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?On the phone63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Aliens yeah64: Do I believe in magic?Nah65: Do I believe in luck?Not really66: What’s the weather like right now?64 and clear skys67: What was the last book I’ve read?Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Yesss69: Do I have any nicknames?Besides the ones Nik has for me no70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?Cut my knee open71: Do I spend money or save it?That shits gone pretty fast dont get to spend it on anything fun tho haha72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?Nah73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?My backpack has some pink on it74: Favourite animal?My cat😂75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Fucking76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Trump77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Nightcrawler78: How can you win my heart?Be Nikolas or James Hetfield79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?Nothing80: What is my favorite word?Fuck81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrIdk man i like a lot of yall82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?Someone please assasinate the orange one83: Do I have any relatives in jail?Not that i know of84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Invisibility or time travel85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Not sure86: What is my current desktop picture?Some nature pic bc i havent change it87: Had sex?On a daily basis my dude88: Bought condoms?Yes89: Gotten pregnant?No90: Failed a class?Yup91: Kissed a boy?Yup92: Kissed a girl?Yep93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?Yes, Nik94: Had job?Sadly95: Left the house without my wallet?Fucking yes!!!96: Bullied someone on the internet?No lol97: Had sex in public?A few days ago lmao98: Played on a sports team?Yep99: Smoked weed?This is where my extra money goes..sigh100: Did drugs?Nothing crazy but yeah101: Smoked cigarettes?Yes102: Drank alcohol?Yeah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?Noo104: Been overweight?Nope105: Been underweight?Nope106: Been to a wedding?Yep107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?Yes lol108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Yeah109: Been outside my home country?Not yet, but I plan on it110: Gotten my heart broken?Yeah couple years ago111: Been to a professional sports game?Yep112: Broken a bone?My finger lol113: Cut myself?A while ago114: Been to prom?Nope115: Been in airplane?Yes116: Fly by helicopter?No but I want to!!117: What concerts have I been to?Megadeth, Metallica, Exodus, Testament, Carcass, Slayer, Midnight, Kreator, Obituary, Children of Bodom, Rammstein, and a few more but those were the best ones118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Quite a few times119: Learned another language?Some German and some ASL120: Wore make up?I wear mascara121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?Yeah122: Had oral sex?Yupppppp123: Dyed my hair?Yes124: Voted in a presidential election?Yep!125: Rode in an ambulance?Nope126: Had a surgery?No127: Met someone famous?Nope128: Stalked someone on a social network?A while ago hahah129: Peed outside?Yep130: Been fishing?Yes131: Helped with charity?I donate to greenpeace monthly132: Been rejected by a crush?Sorta133: Broken a mirror?Im sure I have, I def had a big ass mirror fall on my fuckin head one time tho!134: What do I want for birthday?Some dick😂135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?2 max, no idea about names, havent thought about it much136: Was I named after anyone?No137: Do I like my handwriting?Its a bit sloppy but yeah138: What was my favourite toy as a child?Barbies lol139: Favourite Tv Show?DBZ😂140: Where do I want to live when older?The forest, somewhere in Colorado maybe141: Play any musical instrument?Not well lol142: One of my scars, how did I get it?Accidentally stabbed myself at work143: Favourite pizza toping?Mushrooms144: Am I afraid of the dark?No, I need it to sleep145: Am I afraid of heights?A bit146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?Yes lmao, many times by my dad usually147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Did you mean my last relationship😂😂148: What I’m really bad atProcrastination149: What my greatest achievments areGetting the fuck out of fl, some of my artwork, learning to cope with my depression150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to meProb something my ex said lol151: What I’d do if I won in a lotteryQuit my job, build a house, and open a cave bar (me and Ashley were just talkin about that)152: What do I like about myselfWell i guess i never stop trying even tho i fuck up a lot hahah153: My closest Tumblr friend@stalkhome-sindrone probably😁154: Something I fantasise aboutA stable income...Thanks for that big ass ask my anonymous dude!!😂To the rest of my followers, sorry for the long post and some of the tmi questions😊

[thecantabilelife]

Favorite Quotes of Age of Youth 2 (K-Drama, 2017)

Forever young… Forever lovely… Forever Belle Epoque :)

Ep 1 (Get Mad Over Little Things #We)

But, you’re not living with us. You’ll visit us occasionally. Then, you’ll stop coming. Then, we’ll stop seeing each other. We’ll end up going our ways like that. – Yoo Eun Jae

Ep 2 (I’m A Coward)

I’m a coward. I’m like a child swinging punch in the air with eyes closed. Like a dog barking out of fear. I’m a coward. I’m always scared. Everything’s unfamiliar feels strange. Everything’s strange becomes scary. And what’s scary becomes bad. And so… what’s unfamiliar becomes something scary that I must avoid. I’m scared again… that I’ll look unfamiliar to others. Strange to others. So, I’m desperately… trying to be like everyone else. I’m scared again… that someone will get hurt by the punch I throw with eyes closed. And I’m scared that… I might not be the good person that… I think I am. – Yoo Eun Jae

So what? Did you expect me to be cold even when I’m dating? – Yoon Jin Myung

Ep 3 (I Decided to Hate You #Crime and Punishment)

Don’t worry. Everything will pass. I know that it feels like everyone is talking about you. But, that’s not true. People don’t really care. Only you care. – Song Ji Won

Let’s be simple minded. Thinking that she might be a good person or that she had her reason. It’s just too complicated. It’s either I like her or I hate her. A friend or a foe. Either this or that. I don’t want to know too much. If I do, I’ll feel pity for her. Then, I can no longer hate her. I don’t understand her. I won’t. I’ll never… I’ll never do that. I’ll have my revenge. – Jo Eun

Ep 4 (I Survived #Selfish Gene)

Why should the woman avoid the man after a break up? I don’t like that. So don’t. – Song Ji Won

There are things that you can’t learn. If efforts always paid off, I’d be Kim Yuna.  – Song Ji Won

The one that hurts never knows. Only the one that is hurt remembers. – Yoo Eun Jae

I always keep a distance so I don’t get too close. I always keep a distance so they don’t get too close. Keeping a distance is isolating oneself. With that distance, one decides to be lonely. Survival… Right… This is my survival strategy. I’ve run like a racehorse wearing blinkers. That’s how I survived this far… and that’s how I’ll survive in the future. I had to keep a distance. – Yoon Jin Myung

Ep 5 (My Heart is Like Reed #First Love)

I don’t want to hurt anybody. Especially the person who love me. – Jo Eun

I pretend that I don’t know. If I get caught that I know that, then I can’t pretend that I don’t know. I just want to see what I want to see, if I see too much, I will get lost. I don’t care at all. Even if I do care, it’s no use. I just want to believe what I want to believe. Then I will be happy with that. I just want to remember what I want to remember. Because I want to protect myself. – Song Ji Won

Ep 6 (I am A Miracle #Searching for The Lost Time)

I’m not successful yet because I’m not doing my best. – Heimdal

Be careful, because… Be careful when it’s nighttime. Don’t walk around by yourself. Don’t go to some isolated places. – Kwon Ho Chang

Two little girls that look alike, at the same time they have different paths. What makes the different between these two little girls’ destiny? Even though we don’t know what caused this… But my guts tell me that this is a very unimportant thing. Very… Very… unimportant. Too unimportant that the reason are missed from everyone’s attention. There’s a possibility that my life is going to a different way to what it was. I’m scared. But there’s also a relief. Those unimportant things didn’t happen to me. I’m feeling lucky, but at the other side, I’m feeling guilty to that kid. – Song Ji Won

Ep 7 (I was The Center of The World #The Scarlet Letter)

Taking the initiative and being obsessive are different. Being aggressive after you broke up is just scary. – Seo Jang Hoon

If you’re nice to someone like me, then you’re a good person. – Kwon Ho Chang

It’s because that person is bad. That person that hates you is bad. You’re a nice person. You’re nice and pretty. – Kwon Ho Chang

When I was younger, I was the center of the world. I thought the world would stop when I fell asleep. I thought the world would stop when I fell asleep. Everything moved for me. I couldn’t imagine the world without me. Everything moved for me. I couldn’t imagine the world without me. Back then… everything existed to love me. When did I realize… that the world still moves even without me? When did I realize… that I’m not the center of the world anymore? When did I realize… that I’m just one of many from my heart. And since when did I… start to put others at the center of my world? When did I realize how much I desire to have things I can’t have? When did I start to rather choose to hate myself… out of anger? Once again today, I painfully realize that… I can also be hated… just like I can hate someone. – Jung Ye Eun

Ep 8 (I Deny Myself - Confession)

You’re the victim. Why are you being blamed?  – Yoo Eun Jae

Why must I be responsible? How can I be responsible of other people’s life? There’s no one. You’re also, Ma’am. Ye Eun’s life is her own responsibility. That’s the only way. That’s why… you choose yourself. – Yoon Jin Myung

I hate myself sometimes. That’s why I don’t expect others to like me. A half hate. A half regret. A half hope. It’s better if I can be honest. Maybe someone would like a person like me. – Jo Eun

It’s better to be alone than be laughed at. If there’s no feeling, it won’t hurt. If there’s no wish, there won’t be heartbroken. Don’t hope anything. Don’t wish anything. Close each door tightly. If I pretend to not know anything, then I could starting over. If I don’t give attention, then I won’t be cared. Pretend don’t know anything. – Jo Eun

Ep 9 (I Became A Scar #Paradise Lost)

It all started, then. It was by chance. By chance, we happened to sit at the same place. We didn’t share beliefs or the same hobbies. We didn’t grow up in similar situations. We just happened to sit at the same row. That was all. And that was enough. That day… we became friends.  – Jung Ye Eun

Ep 10 (It Might Be Me #Hunches are Not Wrong)

Maybe hatred is like a snowball. It starts as a little ball but it grows bigger and bigger and it rolls over different emotion. We hate because we like too much. Because they don’t like is back. Because they have too much, because we feel too guilty, because we have no choice. When the bitterness grows too much, it gets out of our hands.  – Yoon Jin Myung

Ep 11 (I Betrayed Myself #Fall)

The inflection point. A point of a curve at which a change in the direction of curvature occurs. Yes, it’s a curve. And one point of that curve has no direction. No meaning either. Only after we link each and every point, we can find out the meaning of that moment. At that moment, we don’t know. We only find out later… that we just passed the inflection point.  It could be like the Nazca Lines. Lines that look meaningless can become a hummingbird… or an alien when we look at them from afar. – Yoo Eun Jae

Ep 12 (I Affirm Myself #Stand By Me)

Do larva live to become cicadas? The life of a larva could be happier than that of a cicada. And a cicada is just a larva that is old. – Yoon Jin Myung

As if nothing happened. To be honest, I wanted to scream. To be honest, I wanted to run. I thought I’d get caught if I screamed. I thought I’d be chased if I ran. The misfortune that was hiding like a tagger… could catch our ankles… so we walked as slowly as possible. – Yoon Jin Myung

Ep 13 ( I Saw Myself #All Beautiful Words)

Sunbae… Can I ask you a favor? When you date another girl, don’t tell her that she disappointed you. If you date another girl, wait a little bit before you start dating. Don’t treat me too well, or I’ll get confused. But don’t treat me too poorly either. I’m so glad that you were my first love. – Yoo Eun Jae

The longer we drag it on, the harder it will be to say it. – Jo Eun

What kind of future did that child once dream of? Was it an ordinary life? Or a special life? To be provided for? Or to be loved? Though I’m a bit late, I grieve for her. I grieve for her dream that’s now become nothing. The things I remember, the things I can’t remember, the things that can’t be helped… My friend, Moon Hyo Jin. Today, I pray for them. I hope that they don’t have to suffer, that they won’t have to go through more than they can bear. Even it may seem boring, I hope they can live an ordinary life. And I also pray, even if they have no way out, they will get through it. Even when they’re scared to death, I hope they can walk forward. I’ll do my all the become the person I wanted to be. – Song Ji Won

Ep 14 (They Have Their Own Mirror #Goodbye See You Tomorrow)

I will not apologize. I can’t. I didn’t do anything wrong… to apologize. – Song Ji Won

Don’t think about what others do. It’s not like there is one answer, like you have to kiss in one month or a year… and if you don’t, you’re behind. It’s not like that. – Yoo Eun Jae

We swore to never change. We swore to never change until death. I never thought that we’d change. I thought the two of us were enough. Who is the bad one? The one that has changed… or the one that couldn’t? You and I are like puzzle pieces that don’t come together. If we force it, we’ll only get hurt. If I shrink myself so that I won’t hurt the person that I like, I’ll be stabbing myself. It hurts if we get closer, but if we grow apart, it feels like I’d die. – Ahn Ye Ji

Final Impression:

This Little Gem!

I’m glad that Season 2 has the same vibe as Season 1. Even though this sequel is felt more comedic, and is not as mysterious as Season 1, but Belle Epoque Girls are still lovely and relatable. I was disappointed first when my favorite character, Kang Yi Na, only appeared as cameo, but new character, Jo Eun, is also charming in her own way and can give new color in Belle Epoque. And of course, this season is the time for Ji Won to take the spotlight. Her character has the most development and her arc is surprisingly very heartbreaking. I loved Ji Won and her quirky personality in Season 1, but in this season, she took my whole heart with the revelation of her hidden trauma, and I just wanted her to be happy with Sung Min. I was a bit mad when watching Epilogue of 8 years later, but I realized that this drama just stay true in showing the “Slice of Life” element. It’s bittersweet yet realistic.

I felt that 14 Episodes are a bit draggy and the plot is not as tight as Season 1 (12 Eps), but I like how the ending is really “Age of Youth” thingy. We can see how Belle Epoque Girls continue their daily life and start to enter new chapter of their journey, and it seems there is no impactful changes in the ending, but it gives the familiar feeling. It’s like whenever we go to Belle Epoque, these 5 lovely girls will always greet us with their relatable stories.

                   I know the possibility of Season 3 is very small especially because all characters already has their own ending, but I still have this tiny faith that there will be Season 3, based on how this show cruelly gave a vague hint of Ji Won & Sung Min relationship (SsongSungmin Couple). I’m OK if they decide to end this drama in Season 2, but I’ll be happier if they continue for Season 3, as I will never bored watching this little gem *of course with the same ensemble of Belle Epoque*. And if there is Season 3, please… please… please… give more development for SsongSungmin. We cannot wait till forever only to see this OTP as a couple, right? Kekekeke….

My Girl, Song Ji Won! She shows many sides of her in this season :)

Sung Min’s Gaze >.< My Fav OTP <3 <3 <3

Until next year, see you again Belle Epoque :)

-AquaMarine-

[starstomakehisheart]

!!!!!!!!!!!1-100!!!!!!!!!!!

1. What is you middle name? Alan 2. How old are you? 15 3. When is your birthday? November 18th 2001 4. What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio 5. What is your favorite color? Deep passionate red 6. What’s your lucky number? 42 7. Do you have any pets? 2 birds, Azir and sunny, and a toy poodle named Ellie 8. Where are you from? Bumblefucksville Nebraska 9. How tall are you? 5'11" 10. What shoe size are you? 10 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? like ~6 12. What was your last dream about? I met someone I miss and it made me sad when I woke up 13. What talents do you have? I am part of theatre, i play bass guitar mandolin drums piano and sing abhorrently 14. Are you psychic in any way? Sometimes i feel like i can use dreams to see future or just deja vu i guess 15. Favorite song? This is fluid, mostly it's the memories and people I attach to songs, like some are linked to relationships and those give me the most meaning. 16. Favorite movie? sos I can't think of one 17. Who would be your ideal partner? Someone who makes me feel like I'm always wanted, is willing to do cute things with me, and is willing to cry with me. 18. Do you want children? This is tough because I enjoy spending time with children, but I currently dont want any, nor can i forsee it. But i'm sure my values will change 19. Do you want a church wedding? For my parents, plus that means they provide the cake >:D 20. Are you religious? Recently I've been drifting away from the catholic church I've belonged to since I was born. I still read in mass, and play in the band, but i don't feel as sincere as i once did 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Not for an injury, I'm too stronk 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? I once got a protection order from a divorced step parent (whoops) 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? I met the guy who worked on pirates of the caribean, he had hair down to his ankled and it was cool 24. Baths or showers? showers in a rush, baths when i have a whole afternoon of privacy and relaxation (that and i don't fit in my bathtub :( 25. What color socks are you wearing? Invisible 26. Have you ever been famous? I want to say no, but i've done some noticeable things 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I'd like to be recognized for doing cool things, but not so much I cant live the life i want 28. What type of music do you like? I go from heavy core metal to flute solos, i dont even know what i like 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Not yet 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two, one for my head and one to hold 31. What position do you usually sleep in? Fetal position i guess 32. How big is your house? Midsize, it's really nice for my situation 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Two poptarts, microwaved, and milk 34. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes, my brother and i shoot a .22 and a glock at a farm occasionally 35. Have you ever tried archery? Ehhhhh not really 36. Favorite clean word?a disapointed "Oh" 37. Favorite swear word? Shiet 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 23 hours, i was close but I am weak 39. Do you have any scars? I have a black mark in the middle of my hand because I stabbed myself with a pencil once. On my temple and my galendilil, idk why tho. 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? I think, but i usually find out eventually 41. Are you a good liar? Depends on who i lie to, friends see through me, but adults are ez 42. Are you a good judge of character? Not really, I see too much good in everybody 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Name it and i'll try 44. Do you have a strong accent? God i hope not 45. What is your favorite accent? Jersey accent, not because it's pretty but it makes most things funny 46. What is your personality type? Enfp-t 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? My suit 48. Can you curl your tongue? like a hot dog 49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innies for the winnie 50. Left or right handed? Right 51. Are you scared of spiders? Only if they fite me 52. Favorite food? Spaghetti 53. Favorite foreign food? I lik indian 54. Are you a clean or messy person? Messy 55. Most used phrased? Oh, okay 56. Most used word? Uhhh 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 30 mins tops 58. Do you have much of an ego? Yeah, it's starting to be a problem 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? a good succ 60. Do you talk to yourself? Too much 61. Do you sing to yourself? TOO MUCH 62. Are you a good singer? uh uh 63. Biggest Fear? Being hated and alone 64. Are you a gossip? More than i should be 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? The beginners 66. Do you like long or short hair? depends really on who it's on 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? uhhhhhhhh no 68. Favorite school subject? Math or band 69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Nope 71. What makes you nervous? Being judged and answering 100 questions but it's okay i love you 72. Are you scared of the dark? I'm afraid ill trip or step on something 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Yes but i try to be nice about it 74. Are you ticklish? y e s    i t s   a   p r o b l e m 75. Have you ever started a rumor? Not one that is untrue 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Not really 77. Have you ever drank underage? Hell yeah, it was peach schnapps and a shot of ginn 78. Have you ever done drugs? kinda? hard to explain 79. Who was your first real crush? Eighth grade, A fellow percussionaist. When i asked her out i said the stupidest nerdy thing and got shot down real hard. 80. How many piercings do you have? none yet 81. Can you roll your Rs? Not sexily 82. How fast can you type? Fast enough i suppose 83. How fast can you run? I wouldn't be very good in a slasher film 84. What color is your hair? Blonde 85. What color is your eyes? Blue green 86. What are you allergic to? Cats 87. Do you keep a journal? I write down things tht bother me and look at them later and analize them 88. What do your parents do? one teaches the other sells insurance 89. Do you like your age? I realize that all my friends were met because we were born all at the same time, and the ones i wish i were older for I wouldnt know either 90. What makes you angry? People being rude for no reason, rare but happens 91. Do you like your own name? My names sounds like a frat guy, but i cant complain 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I wouldnt be very good at choosing 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? A girl probably 94. What are you strengths? Being willing to volunteer for others, being forgiveing but not forgetting, lying when i have to, pain tolerence 95. What are your weaknesses? Feeling rejected, i judge myself based on ohters, Emotional vulnrebility in general 96. How did you get your name? My mom just like the name Brad, But my middle name comes from Alan alda (like from mash) cus they liekd him a lot 97. Were your ancestors royalty?I come from the clan O'Donovan of Ireland, not really loyalty, but coolio trivia 98. Do you have any scars? One in my hand, two on my head 99. Color of your bedspread? Blue 100. Color of your room? Like eggshell it is really boring not gonna lie one wall isn’t even painted yet

[jooheonies]

“SHOULD WE KNOW US A LITTLE BETTER” TAG 📜

das like a strangely worded title(?) but ayee i was tagged by @honeyheonie and @youngjaesloudlaugh! thank you guys so much!!

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people minus 6

THE LAST:

1. Drink: vitamin water 2. Phone call: my gf 3. Text message: "fuk u 2 biNC H” (i type like im 12 pls dont hate me) 4. Song you listened to: You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift 5. Time you cried: like a month ago while i was watching how to train your dragon 2 and hiccup’s dad died i legit cried 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: not rlly  8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yes 10. Been depressed: nope 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: ye it was nasty

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: grey, white, black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: oui oui

16. Fallen out of love: nah

17. Laughed until you cried: do u mean every day of my life

18. Found out someone was talking about you: i mean ya but liek what r u gonna say abt me im an enigma

19. Met someone who changed you: oui

20. Found out who your friends are: kind of? i just cut some ppl out of my life

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: negative

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i know all of them

23. Do you have any pets: oui oui i have ten fish that go by the names: toast, eggo, doggo, my lEg, my EYES, snort, loaf, tinfoil, mattress and simbabob. i have five snails: rekt, buddypalfriend, deodorant, nite, and lamp. in addition i have a moss ball named juandissimo. i also have a cat named merlin (i named the fishies and snails and moss ball nd my sister named the cat u can tell which sibling is cooler)

24. Do you want to change your name: ya tf kind of name is nawar i wanna change it to kiara

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i liek,,ate good food

26. What time did you wake up: weekdays at 6:30 am and weekends are like 11:00 am bc i go bed around 3:00 am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i watched hsm 2 again das like my fave one

28. Name something you can’t wait for: ur mom

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a week ago?

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: intelligence/motivation i never have enough intrinsic motivation and its why im failing at life

31. What are you listening right now: Ms.New Booty - Bubba Sparxxx (pls dont judge me its on shuffle and it makes me laugh)

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: nope but like does talking tom the cat count bc then yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ignorance. we live in the 21st century. like ppl who fully have the resources and abilities of educating themselves but refuse to do so are the reason we will never advance and flourish as a society.

34. Most visited Website: google drive lmao

35. Mole/s: I have like 2 right next to each other on my forehead and then one right beneath my left collarbone

36. Mark/s: i have one scar on the top of my left wrist from when i surprised a friend and she stabbed me w her pencil

37. Childhood dream: I always either wanted to be a paleontologist or work at NASA and those dreams havent changed 

38. Hair color: black/dark brown 

39. Long or short hair: fairly long it goes down to my waist

40. Do you have a crush on someone: nah

41. What do you like about yourself: i have small feet so i can buy from both the kids section and the women section

42. Piercings: one on each ear but they prob closed bc i havent worn earrings in like two or three years

43. Bloodtype: O positive

44. Nickname: narwhal, narquaad, nawar bawar, nawar bawar bowser, nawat, near, nut (pls give me cute nicknames what r these)

45. Relationship status: single and not lookin

46. Zodiac: libra (so is jacob sartorious and kim k im liVING)

47. Pronouns: she, her

48. Favorite TV Show: jane the virgin, friends, how i met your mother, just stupid sitcoms that fill up time usually

49. Tattoos: none but i plan on getting a lotus flower on the back of each ankle to symbolize my heritage and my roots (get it)

50. Right or left hand: right

51. Surgery: nooooo

52. Piercing: answered already in #42

53. Sport: i used to do high jump as part of track but then i fucked up my ribs and no more!

55. Vacation: i like vacations alright, but i prefer staying home alone at those times and cooking for myself and watching tv rather than going somewhere new and exploring - unless its a museum i love museums!

56. Pair of trainers: yeah like 2 pairs of nikes

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: im a lil bit picky w my food but ill try just about everything! fave foods are shrimp, pesto pasta, chicken, fries, and burgers! i hate bananas w a passion and ill literally take your head off if u come near me w one

58. Drinking: water and juice bc alcohol smells bad to me like ew y does beer smell like piss

59. I’m about to: cook

61. Waiting for: when i can eat

62. Want: to like have so much money i can go grocery shopping and buy everything i want ik it sounds stupid but like imagine being able to eat whatever u want from the grocery store that right there my friend is tru happiness

63. Get married: idk maybe

64. Career: paleontologist or anything at nasa literally anything nasa is my ult but also i really like learning languages so thats another option

WHICH IS BETTER?:

65. Hugs or kisses: kisses im not a hug type of person

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller

68. Older or younger: older

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms

71. Sensitive or loud: loud

72. Hook up or relationship: hook up

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: nope

75. Drank hard liquor: oui

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes

77. Turned someone down: yep

78. Sex in the first date: no i dont think so

79. Broken someones heart: noooo i dont think i have

80. Had your heart broken: nah

81. Been arrested: nope

82. Cried when someone died: yeah

83. Fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: i do but liek also im stupid so no

85. Miracles: hahhahahha absolutely not.

86. Love at first sight: no.

87. Santa Claus: i am an adult.

88. Kiss in the first date: yeah? if it feels right

89. Angels: nope

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: lily and ana

91. Eyecolor: brown

92. Favorite movie: Howl’s Moving Castle

I tag: @jinkimon @jooheontbh @shownud @tomatoholmes @jungnoir @bunnyjins @sleepyw0ns @@guksuu @arigathanksgozaimuch @lostinmonstax @wonkyuna @nottechae @ukihyunnie @kihyunswife

[cristayleeswiftlpt-blog]

30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

by: Taylor Swift © @taylorswift @elle

1. I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my

brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

2. Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

3. Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching.

That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

4. I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

5. Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

6. I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and

everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

7. My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade

bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

8. I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right

for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important

lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

9. I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

10. I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie

Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game

changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

11. Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

12. Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

13. It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

14. When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

15. Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

16. Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

17. After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

18. Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living

embodiment of them.

19. Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

20. Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like

your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

21. Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

22. How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t

give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

23. I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

24. I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

25. I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

26. I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

27. I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a

troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

28. I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that

affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

29. I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest

hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

30. My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

[brownthrussy]

1-85

Wade you got me fucked up smfh jk

1.) Are looks important in a relationship?:To some extent yes, since its kinda a attention grabbed. Eventually the personality is what becomes more important.

2.) Are relationships ever worth it?:Most are, as long as they’re healthy, but some are better off ending.

3.) Are you a virgin?:I hope my mom doesn’t see, but no. If my mom ever sees this then hell yeah I am lmao.

4.) Are you in a relationship?:Surprisingly yes

5.) Are you in love?:Considering my lack of love interests and mainly unhealthy relationships surrounding me, its hard to tell for myself but I believe I am yeah

6.) Are you single this year?:Jeez I hope not lol

7.) Can you commit to one person?:Yes.8.) Describe your crush:Hmm normal lenght hair, dark eyes, average height and thicc

9.) Describe your perfect mate:Sounds similar to 8 but I guess someone I can be comfortable and relate with.

10.) Do you believe in love at first sight?:No lmao im pretty sure thats a crush.

11.) Do you ever want to get married?:It’d be nice someday so sure lol

12.) Do you forgive betrayal?:Depends on the situation and how the person thats asking for forgiveness acts. If they learned their lesson and understand what they did wrong then I could forgive possibly but if not then no.

13.) Do you get jealous easy?:No lol its cause im bad at taking hints so I cant tell when someones hitting on me or el bae

14.) Do you have a crush on anyone?: Mi novio lol

15.) Do you have any piercings?:Nope lol

16.) Do you have any tattoos?:Nah lol

17.) Do you like kissing in public?:Nah lol i dont like being the center of attention

ERROR: 18 and 19 DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST??

.

20.) Do you shower everyday?:Si

21.) Do you think someone has feelings for you?: Well I hope my bf likes me lmao

22.) Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?: hmm its possible so sure lol

23.) Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?: Well i’ve been doing it so yeah lol

.

24.) Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?: i don’t think so but hey who knows what future me will do lol

25.) Do you want to be in a relationship this year?: i want to keep it so yes lol

26.) Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?: Si

27.) Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?: Not that I know of lol

28.) Have you ever been cheated on?: Officially no, but I had a few suspicions from my ex so it wouldn’t surprise me

29.) Have you ever cheated on someone?: No

30.) Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?: I’m ok really lol

31.) Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?: lmfao yes sadly.

32.) Have you ever experienced unrequited love?: Yeah. With my “ex”, we weren’t officially in a relationship we were just dating.

33.) Have you ever had sex with a man?: no homo but yeah lol

34.) Have you ever had sex with a woman?: tbh i just don’t support that lifestyle… i have straight friends tho so es cool

35.) Have you ever kissed someone older than you?: si

36.) Have you ever liked one of your best friends?: Nah lol I love them in a platonic way

37.) Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No lol

38.) Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yeah lifes pretty wild

39.) Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?: yeah lmao its terrible 0/10 would not recommend

40.) Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? No im not an artistic person

41.) Have you had sex sex so far this year? Si but im staying a virgin til marriage

42.) How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Depends on the mood I guess???

43.) How long was your longest relationship? Lmao the current one so almost a year!

44.) How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 1 lol

45.) How many people did you kiss in 2011? Lmfao 0 I was an awkward disaster back then. Now i’m slightly less but with a better fashion sense.

46.) How many times did you have sex last year? Idk I wasnt counting lol but life fucked me over alot so that counts too right?

47.) How old are you? Believe it or not, but i’m 21 lol

48.) If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Well rip my relationship then but it’d be something like “she ain’t ugly but she ain’t me”

49.) If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Hmm I like the attentiveness and los jokes

50.) If your first true love knocked on your door with an apology and presents, would you accept? If its just forgiveness then probably yeah. Regardless im taking the presents tbh as compensation

51.) Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes

52.) Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Nah they usually leave me first before I can say im done

53.) Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No lol my business is my own

54.) Is there someone you will never forget? My ex and former close friends tbh

55.) Share a relationship story: well we went to olive garden cause I had never gone. So I was feeling like a rich white woman cause it looked fancy and the waited asked if he could toss the salad for us. My stupid ass thought he either meant in a sex term or literally flipping it. Guess what I mentioned out loud. So homeboy leaves and I realize I can never return here without realizing that i assumed that the waiter wanted a fucking threesome because I spend too much time looking at memes smh. Oh and he spilled drinks on the people next to us including this lady and her phone so guess who got tipped good cause id die if i were in his position smh. Moral of the story is this is why I shouldnt go out

56.) State 8 facts about your body: I have a fat stomach, yet skinny arms and legs lol, i got a birthmark by my right shoulder that looks like hawaii apparently, if one hand moves the other tends to attempt to do the same thing, i got my apendix removed, theres a scar from said surgery on it, I barely have body hair but it grows quick, i accidently stabbed myself with a led pencil. The led remains up to today

57.) Things you want to say to an ex: Someone is contradicting themselves lmao sorry for not being what you wanted but you could’ve treated me like a decent human being. But I guess im unreasonable for wanting trust and communication lol oh well

58.) What are five ways to win your heart?: food, pokemon, more video games, trying ya best and being direct with one another.

59.) What do you look like? (post a picture!): so like do i post a new selfie in a seperate post or???? Eh ill do that later

60.) What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 6-7 years 😥 lol

61.) What is the first thing you notice in someone? How they react to situations lol says alot as a first perspective

62.) What is the sexiest thing someone has done for/ to you? Bought me food 😍

63.) What is your definition of having sex? Well it involves a penis usually afjvhadaish

64.) What is your definition of cheating? Well besides doing it physically, by lying to your S/O about not seeing anyone else and talking to others with the intention of cheating

65.) What is your favorite foreplay routine? Loving jesus

66.) What is your favorite roleplay? Reading the bible together.

67.) What is your idea of the perfect date? It involves eating, going out doing anything since anything can be fun if you’re with the right person. If it gets everything that is stressful about life and makes it seem irrelevant at the moment then this is the moment

68.) What is your sexual orientation? No homo but men are ok. So un homosexual

69.) What turns you off? Well acting like a child or being rude and dismissive.

70.) What turns you on? Communication and trust can I get an amen

71.) What was your kinkiest wet dream? Ok so there I am in battle wearing regular armor but with channel boots and I destroy my enemies by walking on them since they wronged me. There’s also lesbians.

72.) What worlds do you like to hear during sex? Are you feeling it now, Mr.Krabs???

73.) What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Anything really, its mainly the thought that matters

74.) What’s the most superficial characteristic that you look for? Hmm facial features and eyes lol

75.) What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Gave me the pink power ranger pop lol my girl

76.) What’s the sweetest thing you have ever done for someone? I gave a rare pop as a gift for christmas. It cost $50 lmfao

77.) What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? As long as its legal and consensual then its alright

78.) What’s your dirtiest secret? Dont got any lol not any that come to mind atleast

79.) When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Idk middle school lol crush had the nerve to talk to someone that wasnt me smh. Im glad i grew up and learned

80.) When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Whenever I see my best friend and hes about to do some dumb shit

81.) Who are five people you find attractive? So is this like from tumblr or anywhere?. Hmm theres mi novio, my best friend and fuck it like 3 of my mutuals lmao i almost tagged em

82.) Who is the last person you hugged? My younger sister

83.) Who was your first kiss? An old friend lol we dont talk no more

84.) Why did your last relationship fail? I have no idea. My ex was like “i gotta be alone” then pulled the “we’re different” card. And I figured it was both until my friend showed me that he was on tinder with an updated bio and photos that he had sent to me initially. So I guess ill never know lol

85.) Would you ever date someone off of the internet? Yeah why not lol if the connection is there

[embracetheapocalypsewithme]

Embracing the Apocalypse 25: Bird on a Wire

Before I post the final installment of Embracing the Apocalypse, I want to say a huge and very sincere thank you to all of you who have read, liked, commented and otherwise supported this fic over the past few months. I seriously have loved hearing your feedback and ideas about the story, and I know that the experience of writing it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun without it so thank you all so much!

I don’t know exactly where I will go from here, but I know that I want to keep writing Negan fics, so hopefully you guys will keep reading ‘em! I may return to Negan and Rebecca (#Nebecca!) at some point, but I think I will be taking a little break from this paring for a bit, as much as I love them.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading as much as I’ve enjoyed writing this weird pile of words and attempts at jokes. ;)

Summary: Will Rebecca and Negan be able to convince the Sanctuary’s inhabitants that killing Julie and Ted is ok? Can Rebecca convince herself that it’s the right thing to do?

Word Count: 2,798

Content Warnings (or selling points?): Smut, Negan, Negan being Negan, language, death, and violence.

Part 1: The Tale of Thelma Facefuck

Part 2: What’s Up, Doc?

Part 3: A Successful Job Interview Begins with a Firm Handshake and Ends with a Salty Surprise

Part 4: A Crack in Everything

Part 5: Sorting Duty Sucks

Part 6: A Faint Whiff of Bullshit in the Air

Part 7: Turn and Face the Strange

Part 8: Poor Life Choices

Part 9: In Which Negan is a Total Jerk

Part 10: No Plan

Part 11: Negan Settles Rebecca’s Hash

Part 12: I know Where That Hand Has Been, Negan

Part 13: Gimme Danger

Part 14: The Loneliest Hours of the Morning

Part 15: Well, Fuck You Too, Kitty!

Part 16: That Escalated Quickly

Part 17: Well Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw

Part 18: Shards of Glass

Part 19: Donkey Heaven

Part 20: Morphine Dream

Part 21: Promises to Keep

Part 22: Are You a Killer?

Part 23: That the Hill You Wanna Die On?

Part 24: Keeping Up Appearances

Part 25: Bird on a Wire

Read on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8807527/chapters/23270409

Part 25: Bird on a Wire

The Sanctuary’s cafeteria echoed with the din of voices bouncing off of the concrete walls and rebounding over the heads of the building’s inhabitants as they waited anxiously for the announcement to begin. As Negan had promised, attendance was made mandatory for the town hall meeting he had called to announce the fates of Julie and Ted to his citizens.

“What was that about not being dramatic or making a show of this?” Rebecca whispered to him out of the corner of her mouth.

The couple stood in the shadows, on the far left of the large, metal catwalk that overlooked the cafeteria. The narrow metal grating, which hung several feet above the floor, served as a stage for announcements, as well as the occasional performance on Saturday nights from those who could play an instrument, even shittily. From their hiding place, Rebecca could see that the room was completely filled, and her stomach flipped at the thought of standing before all of these people to tell them that they had decided to condemn two of their own to death.

“It has to be done, Fuckface,” Negan murmured back, taking her hand in his to squeeze it, “I’ll be right here with you, doing all of the talking. You’re just here as Exhibit A. And because you’re fucking cute as shit, and it’ll help the news go down better than if I did it alone.”

It had been less than a week since Stephen had attacked Rebecca. She had healed somewhat, and no longer needed painkillers to get through her day, but she was still visibly scarred from her encounters with the less savory element of the Sanctuary.

Julie and Ted had been kept in the basement of the building, under 24 hour supervision by only Negan’s most trusted men and women, since that time. But the waiting was over now. Today was the day that they would atone for their crimes at the end of a gun.

“Fair enough,” she sighed, “Let’s just get this over with, shall we?”

“Whatever you say, Fuckface” Negan replied, leading her out of the shadows by the hand and into the centre of the catwalk.

As the crowd grew quiet at the sight of their leader, Rebecca felt her knees go weak, and she feared that she might faint in front of the sea of faces peering up at them. Taking a shaky breath, she closed her eyes for a moment to compose herself, as Negan began his speech:

“A lot of you probably people know me from the bad, old days,” he began, “The first time I ran this place, I was wrong about a lot of stuff. I used fear to control you because I thought that it would keep you safe. I didn’t respect your intelligence. I didn’t think that you, the collective ‘you’, had the brains to keep yourselves alive without some kind of negative reinforcement keeping you in line. I apologize for that. You’ve all proved me wrong.”

His voice was atypically calm and you could hear a pin drop as those assembled below looked on. Rebecca let her hands rest against the cold metal of the railing in front on her, the sensation drawing her back into reality and rooting her to the moment.

“When I was put back into power by Rick, I promised myself that I would find another way to lead you. I don’t want to punish anyone who doesn’t deserve it. I don’t ever want to go back to the old ways again. But, sometimes violence cannot be avoided. That is one of the sad realities of this new world that we’re building. Sometimes there are exceptional circumstances that call for punishment. And that is what I am here to talk to you about today.”

Placing a hand on Rebecca’s back, Negan motioned toward her with his head as he continued to speak:

“This is Rebecca. She came here not long ago from the forest. She had lived there since the outbreak, and believe me when I say that this lady has been through more than most of us could ever dream of out there. When she came here and joined us, she hoped for a better life and for a fair chance to make her way in the world. And she has. Since coming here, she’s joined the ranks of our Scavenger team and has proven herself to be a great asset to us. She’s helped us to find valuable medical supplies that will help some of you live better lives.”

He paused, Rebecca supposed for dramatic effect.

“But someone didn’t like the fact that she and I spent some time together and got close to one another. Julie, one of our commissary workers, took it upon herself to ask two men, Ted from the sorting team and one of my own Saviors, Stephen, to beat the holy fucking shit out of Rebecca one night. Her only alleged crime was associating with me. And she nearly died because of it. Twice. Because after they had beaten her nearly to death, Stephen decided that it would be a good idea to attack her with a knife while she was bedridden. I’m proud to say that Stephen is no longer a threat to any of us thanks to Rebecca’s bravery. She took the fucker out with her bare hands, even while recovering from her injuries stemming from the first attack.”

A murmur arose from the crowd, as a chorus of curious voices began. Rebecca felt as if every eye was on her, scrutinizing her, inspecting her body to see if her injuries were bad enough to justify the murder of a Savior. Had he really meant to kill her? How did they know she hadn’t instigated the attack? What did Negan mean by “spending time” and “getting close with one another” anyway?

“And that is why,” Negan continued, raising his voice above the crowd to quiet them, “We have decided to execute Julie and Ted for their crimes. Not simply because they attempted to take the life of an innocent woman, but also because they have shown no remorse for their actions, and I believe that they would attempt to carry out something similar again if they are allowed to live.”

The crowd roared up at them like an ocean wave crashing upon the rocks. Angry questions and abuse was hurled at them. Their words hit Rebecca like a thousand tiny knives, none of them doing much damage alone, but the cumulative effect causing her stomach to turn and bile to rise in her throat. She took a step forward and bellowed above the noise:

“Hey! Hey! Everyone shut the fuck up for a minute! I have something to say!”

The crowd grudgingly quieted, their voices descending to a dull murmur once again.

“Most of you don’t know me, but everything Negan said is the truth. I did come here from the forest looking for a better life. I came here after my fiancé died because I didn’t know what else to do. I love it here, and all I’ve ever wanted to do is to make this place better for all of us by helping us to get the things we need to survive. That’s why I wanted to become a Scavenger. And I know that Negan feels the same way that I do. He made some really bad mistakes in the past. You know it and so does he. But can any of us truthfully say that we would have led the Sanctuary perfectly, given the circumstances? Bottom line: He kept you alive. He paid for his mistakes and he changed because he wanted to change. Julie and Ted though? They don’t want to change. So fuck them.”

The voices grew restless and angry again, causing Rebecca’s heart thump in her chest until she thought that it would explode. But she persisted and continued.

“See this?” she gestured to the side of her face, which was still marred with healing cuts and bruises, “That’s where Ted kicked me in the head while I was already on the ground after he punched me and Stephen knocked me down, all because Julie told them to do it,” she lifted the side of her shirt to show the large swaths of bruising that still covered her ribs, “This is where Stephen and Ted both kicked me while I was on the ground crying for help. And this?” she lifted her leg over the railing and pulled up the leg of her shorts to reveal the healing knife wound, “This is where Stephen stabbed me the second time he attacked me while I was still fucked up from the first attack.”

The voices diminished and the room fell silent, and Rebecca lowered her leg back to its original position.

“We didn’t come to this decision lightly. Neither Negan nor I want to kill Ted and Julie. I didn’t want to kill Stephen, but I was backed into a corner. I had to save myself. And now we need to save the rest of you from the people who only want to disrupt what we are trying to build. If you want to go back to living in a world where power is taken by the one with the pointiest stick, and no fucking empathy for anyone else, then that’s your choice. But I’m choosing to help make this a place where the strong protect the weak. Where people who try to victimize and terrorize are put in their place, or put down if they can’t be reformed. I’ve said my piece, and I hope you believe me when I tell you that this decision is not coming from a place of hate for those we plan to execute today, but from a place of love for this community.”

As she stepped back from the railing, Rebecca noted that the room had gone silent once again. She looked over a Negan to find him staring at her in a way she had never seen before, eyes wide with an expression she couldn’t quite place. Looking out at the crowd, she caught the eye of Ryan, her old friend from the sorting room, just in time to see his face break into a smile as he began to clap. Eventually others joined him in applauding her speech, much to her surprise.

Not everyone clapped for them. Some people simply walked away shaking their heads in dismay. But the wave of searing hatred seemed to have abated, dissolved by her words and her story. At least for the time being.

Turning to leave, Rebecca felt Negan’s hand wrap around hers again as they walked from the catwalk’s centre, and back into the shadows.

“Jesus Christ, Fuckface. Why didn’t you tell me you knew how to do that?” he asked, eyes still wide.

“Do what?” she said with naked confusion.

“Make speeches. Calm people the fuck down like that. That was fucking amazing. You sure you weren’t a hostage negotiator before?”

“Pretty sure. And I’ve never done that before. It just…came out. It was what was in my heart, I guess, as fucking silly as that sounds.”

“Not fucking silly at all. Not ever a little bit,” he bent down and kissed her forehead before pulling her into an embrace, “Are you ready for the really shitty part now?”

“Are you sure you want me there?”

“Yeah. I think you need to be there.”

“Then I’m ready,” she said, as they descended the metal structure and made their way to Julie and Ted.

***

The walk to the field where the execution was to be held hadn’t taken very long, but it felt like an eternity to Rebecca. The still-warm sunlight of early autumn painted her shoulders and face pink as the delegation comprised of herself, Negan, Julie, Ted, and Chris walked in silence, finally coming to a stop in the open area of over-grown grass and wildflowers.

Looking into a sky so perfectly blue that it seemed hard to believe that today was the day that she would help to end the lives of two people, Rebecca noted a flock of birds passing overhead. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to take flight with the birds, and to leave her obligations to her adopted community. But, alas, her feet stayed firmly on the ground.

(like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir, i have tried in my way to be free)

She lowered her gaze to look directly at Ted and Julie as Chris led them a few feet away from where she and Negan stood, making them kneel in the grass with their backs to their three captors. When the gun came out of Negan’s jacket, shining with a sick, dull lustre, she found it hard to breathe and her pulse began to thump in her ears. She could only imagine the anxiety that Ted and Julie must be feeling at this moment.

(if i…if i have been unkind, i hope that you can just let it go by)

Neither Julie nor Ted showed any emotion in their body language as they continued to kneel, even as Negan approached them, his legs rustling the tall grass. They must have known that it was coming, and yet they never wavered or wept. They only stared straight ahead in quiet defiance in their final moments.

(but i swear by this song, and by all that i have done wrong: i will make it all up to thee)

Rebecca stared on in wonder as Ted reached over to take Julie’s hand to comfort her as they waited for the end. Negan readied the gun behind Julie as Chris did the same behind Ted. Rebecca remained rooted in place, unable to look away from the scene or even blink. Chris turned his head to look at Negan and a slight nod passed between the two men as they coordinated their shots. The deafening blast of gunpowder ripped through the serenity of the day, propelling both targets forward in the grass.

Rebecca felt her knees give out and tumbled to the ground, tears falling from her eyes. She had needed to be here, that much was true. But she took no pleasure in what had been done. A sob broke the quiet that had fallen over the field, and it took her a moment to realize that it was her own voice making the noise. Everything felt so far away, the colours draining from the sky and grass, boiling it all down to chromatic grey nothingness.

(oh like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir, i have tried in my way to be free)

And then he was beside her, a hand on her shoulder shaking her, bringing her back to herself again. Warm brown eyes peering into her and filling up the broken places, helping to hold her together.

“Rebecca? Wake up.”

His voice was like velvet in the darkness. Rebecca awoke to Negan looking down at her. They were safe and warm in bed. Though the night pressed against them, it was ultimately staved off by his arms snaking around her and pulling her close to him.

“You ok? You were making fucking terrible noises in your sleep,” he murmured sleepily in her ear.

It had been two days since they had executed Julie and Ted, and while the memories were easily overcome in the light of day, her dreams offered her a nightly replay of the horrid experience.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a nightmare,” she rotated to face him and wrapped her arms around him, trailing her fingers lightly against the small of his back, “Thank you for waking me up. They fucking suck.”

“I know,” he kissed her lightly, the freshly shaven skin of his chin brushing against her, “Go back to sleep. You need all the rest you can get for tomorrow. We’re off at the fucking ass crack of dawn again.”

“Good thing you’re a fucking morning person,” she mumbled, letting her eyes drift closed again.

The next morning they would leave with the Scavengers on a week-long trek into the surrounding area, looking for items they could use to make preserves for the fall and to build greenhouses for the colder months. Rebecca was tentatively optimistic that a Wal-Mart their scouts had spied a week prior might provide them with the supplies they needed.

“I’ll convert you yet,” he said, his voice fading down into a weak drone, “You just have to give yourself over to the change and you’ll adjust to it.”

“Turn and face the strange,” she sighed. They both drifted into the nothingness of a peaceful and dreamless sleep.

[diableriepervert]

1-99

I didn't know if you meant 1 and 99 or 1 through 99 so I just did 1 through 991: 6 of the songs i listen to most are Drugs - Eden, Season 2 Episode 3 - Glass Animals, like real people do - hoizer, I know those eyes/This man is dead - count of monte christo, obsessed with you - the orion experience, strangers - halsey2: If I could meet anyone on this earth, it would be Keanu Reeves3. The book closest to me on page 23 line 17 says "that is really cute and not at all surprising"1: 6 of the songs i listen to most are Drugs - Eden, Toes - Glass Animals, like real people do - hoizer, I know those eyes/This man is dead - count of monte christo, obsessed with you - the orion experience, strangers - halsey2: If I could meet anyone on this earth, it would be Keanu Reeves3. The book closest to me on page 23 line 17 says "that is really cute and not at all surprising"4. The thing I think about most is what my life will be like when I live all alone and nobody remembers me5: My latest text message from someone else says "beef" and that's all6: I sleep in just my underwear and bralette 7: my strangest (best) talent is that where ever I go there's always a dog somewhere and I always spot it8: Girls… are amazing; Boys… are also amazing I just like girls a wee bit better because I'm biased and gay9: I've never had a poem or song written about me but I would die of happiness of someone did but that's unlikely so (shrug emoji)10: The last time you played the air guitar was two or three weeks ago11: I don't have any strange phobias12: Ive never stuck a foreign object up my nose13: I'm agnostic 14. If I were outside i would be (depending on the time of day) stargazing, watching the sun rise/set15. I prefer to be being the camera16. I don't have a favorite band, just a jumble of playlists that in no way relate to each other17. The last lie I told was telling someone that I would cut ties with certain toxic people in my life 18. I sorta believe in karma19. My url just sounded cool to me, if you want you can make up a background story about it for me20. Greatest weakness - wanting to help so many people no matter what they've done, greatest strength - not getting heated in arguments 21. Celebrity crush is Mike Faust 22. I almost went skinny dipping with a girl once but then the weather got to bad to do so23. I bottle my anger24. I have a rock collection and a shell collection that I've had since I was really little25. I prefer talking on the phone over video chat so that way no one's gotta sea my freaky face26. I am happy with the person I've become but still recognise I could be better27. A sound I hate is an alarm clock and I love the sound of falling rain28. My biggest what if is what if I had decided to confront more people about things they've done to me or if that would've just made things worse29. You better believe that I am a strong believer of ghosts and aliens30. Sticking out my right and left arm I touch air with both31. The air I'm breathing smells like smelly dog 32. The worst place I've ever been to is this little house my mom was rebuilding that we'd visit every summer in LaSalle 33. East coast because I live there34. Most attractive singer of opposite gender is Brendan Urie35. For me the meaning of life is what is the best story you can make before time runs up36. Art is something that can convey emotion without through sound/display/ect.37. I believe in luck38. The weather right now is slightly rainey39. The time for me rn is 6:38 AM40. I don't drive 41. The last book I read was Emergency Contact42. Oddly enough I love the smell of gasoline43. I have one nickname (sommie)44. The last film I saw was mamma Mia: here we go again45. The worst injury I've ever had was when I was bike riding with my mom when I was little, we were going down a very steep hill and I lost control and hit a rock a flipped, pulling myself up I felt allot of pain in my hands and knees but only when I saw blood covering my hands and running down my legs did I start screaming, the second worst would be when I tripped over my down feet and my bones in my hand just sorta disconnected from my arm a little46. I've never caught a butterfly because I know they are fragile and I would hate to hurt them47. I have a current obsession with little nightmares at the moment 48. I'm bisexual 49. I had a rumor go around after I hit my head on a metal bar and fell of the play castle in elementary school that I was faking it50. I'm not to sure I believe in magic, I'd like to though51. I do hold grudges 52. I'm an Aries 53. I try to save money but then I see a nice book and suddenly all my money is gone54. The last thing a purchased was a book, and before that it was a different book55. Love over lust most of the time56. I'm single 57. I've been in 3 relationships that no one counts because with the two guys I only dated then two days and the girl I only dated a week, it's just that I try to give people chances when I get asked out but because there's no history or chemistry there I always break it off58. I cannot touch my nose with my tongue 59. I was at the movies yesterday 60. There is a pink bowl on my desk that I made61. I'm not wearing socks rn62. I love jellyfish63. My secret weapon to get someone to like me is to pretend I'm allot more interesting than I actually am64. My best friend is with her boyfriend rn65. My top 5 blogs on Tumblr are ikimaru, smileknife, cryptedspoon, roseebottes, and softwhispersinthenight66. I am half white half native American 67. Last night at 12 AM I was listening to music and reading 68. Satans last name is either something really deep with an intese meaning or something sad meaning69. Yeah but I don't every really do it that often, maybe once every three-four months or so?70. I am not the kind of friend I would want to have add a friend but only because I despise myself71. "You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?" You bet your ass I'm saving that dog, job be damned72. "You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?" I tell no one but I make sure there last memories of me are pleasent, and I'm not just afraid, I'm terrified 73. I would rather have love over trust74. A song that always makes me happy is Francis forever 75. My last four phone digits are 465376. A great relationship is built off of communication 77. Win my heart by loving me selflessly, talk through things with me, home with me, and understand me78. Insanity can spark more creativity 79. The best decision I've ever made was pushing my mom to getting me a dog and getting to know the best good boy in the world who I love more than everyone80. I wear a show size of 9 1/2 - 10 1/2 81. I want on my tombstone that I was loved by friends and family and will be remembered by many82. My favorite word is flabbergasted 83. When I hear the word heart I think love84. Something I say a lot is "Okie dokie" and "sorry"85. The last song I listened to is Diablo - Simon Curtis 86. My favorite color is red87. My desktop picture is of Homra from K project 88. If I could press a button to make anyone in the world explode it would be the leader of the group of people who bullied me89. A question that I would be afraid to answer honestly is "who do you hate the most"90. "One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?" I freak out a little on the inside but when I see that they're not really doing anything I try and make conversation with them91. "You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?" My super power would be to make people burst into musical numbers like the demon from once more with feeling92. A half an hour past experience I'd like to relive is just talking with all my friends when we all used to be friends with each other93. If I could erase any horrible experience from my past it would be when i got stabbed with a pencil in elementary school because i still have the scar94. If I could sleep with any music celebrity out my choice it would be kesha, no reason other than I feel like she'd be good in bed and nice to me95. That free airplane ticket takes me to Portland so I can visit my brother96. I no longer have any relatives in jail97. I have not thrown up in a car98. I've never been on a plane 99. If the whole world were listening right now I'd give some dumb speech about how we're all dumb and we all need to get along