#my parents once pulled me aside in a very racist moment and concernedly asked me why all my friends and my brother's friends were asian

[wallabywannabe]

Not being allowed to watch TV as a kid aside from public broadcasting really socially isolated me in ways that still affect me in my 30s. It's so dumb but it's true. No one's favorite show was Arthur after 1st grade. It was SpongeBob and Hannah Montana and Pokemon, all things that my mom thought were stupid. That was the objection. She didn't want us to watch stupid stuff. She also didn't want us to play video games or listen to popular music for the same reasons.

Which I understand! I eventually did sneak in some TV time as a teenager when I wasn't as carefully watched, and after the thrill wore off, I kind of thought, wow I do think this is stupid. Probably because I was watching stuff aimed at a much younger target audience, but it was still a big part of the cultural lexicon of my peers and I was desperate to understand what they were talking about.

But when I was younger and most impressionable all I felt was ostracized and I learned quickly it was easier to laugh along and not be genuine in the moment than ask questions and get a lot of astonishment and negative attention in return, and ruin the vibe. I very profoundly knew I was different and not fun to be around. Some of that was my natural personality, but even the nerdy kids with strict parents watched Pokemon. It was a huge part of all play time. I hated being a kid.

No one should hate being a kid! I value independence and freedom to make simple choices for myself SO highly now it's on the unhealthy side. I don't like to rely on anybody, even when I need it, because independence is too intoxicating.

I also have a ton of social anxiety that expresses itself in depression now. Is it all due to not being allowed to watch Disney channel? Probably not. But I do think my outsider mentality still contributes a lot. And it's still a little painful because the type of friends I gravitate to who are around my age STILL have a lot of SpongeBob or Pokemon references in many, many conversations. I could watch them now, and I know many 30 year olds do, but honestly, not having been raised on cartoons, I don't find them appealing.

I don't know what a good parenting strategy is but whatever I had wasn't it.