#my name is Tony de Killer B and i've been afraid of insects my whole life. stop stop stop where? where's the bee? THERE'S A BEE !?

[inspector-montoya-fox]

hi happy new year, how are you? to start off 2022 i’m gonna rank my top 10 favourite guards from the Sly trilogy. let’s take a look:

10. Card-dealing Dalmatian: honestly made the list mainly because of the outfit - it’s a look - but overall just a funny lil boi, a jokester

9. Basset Hound Pirate: this guy wants to take a nap but he can’t because LeFwee will probably cut his dick off idk. he’s not groundbreaking by any means, but i love the vest and the eye-patch as well as the fact that he has his own little mini cannon

8. Japanese Culture Aficionado Walrus: ok this guy... when Sir Frogger told his guards to wear overalls, this guy didn’t listen. fuck overalls he said. he prolly watches hentai and reads Naruto, and owns a scooter like Furio Tigre. god knows his income isn’t enough to buy a proper motorcycle, so he chose to settle. also, he feels really uncomfortable around his squid coworker

7. Janitor Rat: so imagine it’s late in Paris and you’re stuck cleaning the disgusting club floor, trying to get muddy footprints and gum out of the carpet (great choice Dimitri) while all your friends are out clubbing, and this cane-wielding dude in blue who doesn’t wear pants comes in and trashes the place. i mean, i’d be mad too tf ?? honestly, props to the janitor rat for standing up. you go, janitor rat.

6. Wolves: a silly lil guy, a cutie. why would you want to pick a fight with him? for shame.

5. Gays: listen. if it wasn’t for Tony de Killer B, these guys wouldn’t have made it on the list. but he paved the way, he put in the work. the outfit... mama mia ! 100% absolutely, he’s ready to vogue, he’s ready to death drop, it’s very John Galliano. the mask? it’s giving camp. skipped leg day for the past 8 years? that too. what’s there not to love exactly?

4. Y2K Monke Gurl: is she good at her job? no, she’s actually abysmal at it. but did she slay with her fit? i think she deserves a raise, Mr Panda. from the bandana to the blush, the braid, the gloves, the flame detailing on the sides, the sandal. GIVE US EVERYTHING, we stan. we have no choice but to stan. also, very good at finding excellent hiding spots, i’ll give her that too

3. Bomb Cock: i love these guys honestly. they’re just here to have a good time even though it might be their last. they’re doing the most and it’s ok, no judgement. very much Looney Tunes rejects with their comically huge bombs. they want to protect the hens in the coop but they’re way too destructive for that, it’s hilarious. if they were a lyric, they’d be When other bitches tryna get with my dude and when other chickens tryna get in my coop from Streets by Doja Cat

2. Moose Dude: ok hear me out on this one. very controversial choice but i couldn’t place them lower, i’m sorry. they’re lovable idiots/ jocks. they wear jock straps because they’re comfy, they probably smell like sweaty balls, they drink beer all the time. it’s the type of oblivious, dumbfounded straighty you see in gay porn. they’re pea-brained, they wanna play RC battles all day because they never finished high school despite being the best at PE. the poor things had no other option but to become guards. absolute goons. the way Murray just waltzed into their man-cave with a moose head on and they didn’t even bat an eye is so charming, these dudes drive me nuts. i’m a furry

Honorable Mention: Carmelita: she’s not a guard, but her patrolling the hubs always puts a smile on my face. what an absolute legend, what a ki. the mega threat herself, not letting anyone out of her sight, no matter the weather condition, the hub architecture, the surroundings. nothing.

1. Doberman Flashlight Guards: this is elite tier guard, no questions asked. these guys understood the assignment. they don’t care that their coworkers are wearing jailbird attire or that some of them even come to work nude; they’re gonna wear that fucking tuxedo and rock it. the way they walk is so funny, the way they run too, and if they catch you they’ll just waste an entire round of bullets because they’ll howl and shoot at the sky. that’s a good doggy !! they’ve been working hard and they’ve been cashing Muggshot’s cheques, because they’ve always got that cigar in their mouths. i love them, 10/10