#my mom does a lot of writing and if i ever compiled her journals on her behalf i would never want authorship credit bec it's not mine

[caffeineheroes]

I could absolutely see the estate or publisher trying to claim this in order to eek out more money, but agreed that they would lose that legal battle. The best they could probably do is retain ownership of the passages of commentary Christopher Tolkien wrote.

Putting JRR Tolkien down as the author was not a strategic move on the publisher's part - they could have sold just as many copies under Christopher Tolkien's name. But there's a difference between scholarship and authorship, and the work is JRR Tolkien's despite and because of the incredible effort Christopher put into compiling all these writings over his lifetime.

I need to live another twenty years purely to see what kind of bullshit the Tolkien estate gets up to with respect to The Silmarillion in 2044.

[purplesurveys]

483

Is there a bus stop near your house?: No, buses don’t stop around my area and I only ever see them on EDSA, which is like the main highway of Metro Manila.

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?: I hate the shit out of wine but if I absolutely had to drink some, it has to be red. And it has to be more sweet than bitter.

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?: NAIA. I’m literally at the Starbucks right across the airport right now because my mom is arriving from Hong Kong in an hour and I have to pick her up. 

Who do you live with?: I live with my family. That’s a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a cat, and a dog.

Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?: Yessssss all the time. I always browse through the Popular filter since it already compiles the best recent posts, but I’m a huge fan of the r/AmITheAsshole subreddit. People who turn out to be the assholes are hilaaaaarious.

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?: No. I ‘broke up’ with Aya as a friend when she was being abusive to Jo, but she’s since started working on getting better and has apologized to our friend group, so she’s back on my good side.

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?: It’s 29ºC. I’m glad we’re not in the 30s, but I don’t appreciate how warm it still is.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?: As far as I know, no.

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?: [continued from earlier because I had to pick my mom up lmao] Yes, I used a pen today. It was to write my name on a requirement that I needed to submit to complete my class.

What does your last text message say and who is it from?: "Can I call?” from my girlfriend.

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film?: Must be near a hundred. I talked about this in a recent survey but there was a time I watched Two for the Road everyday for like 2-3 months. I still make it a point to watch it several times a year. 

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?: I have no idea. I don’t like marshmallows; I’ve always hated the texture.

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?: Uhhh no, not really. If I REALLY REALLY like the guest, I’ll sometimes listen to Colt Cabana’s Art of Wrestling or Chris Jericho’s Talk is Jericho. But other than that, I’d rather watch YouTube videos.

How old will you be in the year 2030?: 32.

How often does the kettle in your house get used?: My mom never got one.

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?: Yep, super. I don’t have a bruise right now but I do have a mysterious cut below my right knee. Have absolutely no idea where it came from, but apparently whatever cut it cut it deep and it hurts.

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?: I’ve never spent that amount of money on anything.

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?: Open-ended. If I sense that a survey is becoming too yes-or-no I usually quit it halfway; it’s too boring.

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?: My mom buys the toiletries so I’m not aware of what brands she gets.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed?: Yes. I just got home and haven’t changed out of my jumpsuit.

Why did you leave your last job?: Never had one.

What colour were the last socks you wore?: It’s like a faded green.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?: Yep! I’m an incoming senior in my BA in Journalism.

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?: No, that’s terrible.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?: Probably something from Buzzfeed Unsolved cause I’ve been rewatching it lately.

What’s your favourite scent of air freshener?: Meh, I prefer the natural car smell. Scents make me dizzy.

How many weddings have you ever been to?: Four, I think. All of those when I was a kid; I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007.

Do you know anyone named Nora?: I don’t think so.

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? My fingernails can be trimmed, but it’s not like a mess or anything. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play?: We played a math version of Scrabble when we stayed over at Laurice’s house. I’ve never seen a game like it before lmfaaaaao it was so intense.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol?: Nope. I don’t think that would be my kind of scene, either.

Do you own a record player and/or vinyls?: I don’t have a record player so I don’t have vinyls.

When was the last time you went out for drinks?: Third week of May. Have you ever been to a strip club?: NO I really want to go to one though.

What’s your favourite kind of smoothie?: I don’t take smoothies.

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? (Google it): Hmm I don’t think so, but I know someone who wants to name their kid Prudence.

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?: Never.

Have you taken out the trash today?: Nope, I don’t do that around the house. How often do you wear make-up?: Very seldom. I had my face made up several times over the last few months because Kate sometimes gets bored and she’d want to give me a makeover, but other than that, I rarely get my face done for events.

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?: I have a very soft spot for that episode where Homer sits on the hood of his car and looks at the stars after he separated from his mom. I don’t keep track of the rest of the show.

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?: Horizontal. I don’t think I’ve ever worn vertical ones before.

What’s your favourite brand of deodorant/antiperspirant?: I don’t have a favorite.

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?: No. We don’t have divorce in the Philippines. So it’s not because all the couples I know are staying strong – it’s literally because no one is allowed to divorce by law.

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?: No, taxi drivers can be creepy. I’d rather drive by myself.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?: Nope. I don’t need it.

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?: HAHAHAHAHA WTF, that’s so messed up and such a shitty thing to do. Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out?: It’s always clean. My mom doesn’t let any spot in the house go messy for long.

When was the last time you washed the dishes?: This morning before I left the house.

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?: Nope, I haven’t read one in months.

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?: No, not in Antipolo. That’s why I love it here. Once I get to the city though we do have to pay for everything, yes.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?: Take a Biogesic. Takes it out immediately.

Tell me about your responsibilities at work.: I don’t have a legit job yet, but at my latest internship I did news monitoring, press releases, research, and made briefing forms for the media.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?: No. I live in a gated subdivision so it is very quiet here. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?: I have never tried poutine, what a damn shame. I wish I can encounter a restaurant that serves it cause it looks SO GOOD. Canadian cuisine is not very prominent here though so idk when I can ever get an authentic serving of poutine :(

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?: My dad is very techy, more so than me. My mom uses her phone for her Facebook and camera and nothing else. She still asks me to Google stuff for her even if her Chrome app is right beside Facebook.

How old are your parents, anyway?: My mom and dad are both 1971 babies so they are turning 48 this year.

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?: No. My skin can get very allergic to the environment (especially if it’s humid), but it’s not an allergy or anything.

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?: I haven’t been thinking of a song.

Do you hate it when people try really hard, or do you kinda like it?: Idk how to feel about them...like sometimes I’d think it’s hilarious but other times I’d feel sorry and just cringe. But I’m certain I don’t hate it.

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?: My boss at internship is named Dessa. I call her that but I address her with Ms. before her name too so that it’s respectful.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? I wore my old school uniform last year for funsies because I spotted it in our storage closet and felt a little nostalgic. No reason to wear it, just wanted to mess around. The blouse ws white, the necktie and skirt are plaid.

Do you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?: No. After this, I’m torn among a) getting a midnight snack, b) taking another survey, and c) watching RuPaul’s Drag Race since I started getting into it last night, hahaha. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?: I probably have, except I wasn’t actively trying to achieve that.

What’s your favourite kind of bread?: White and brioche.

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?: Last Thursday. We got a cheese pizza and a barbecue chicken pizza.

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?: We don’t. I don’t know how to play Monopoly haha it always seemed just so boring to me.

What was the last thing you said out loud?: "Whatcha doing?”

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?: Dogs.

Would someone being either a cat or dog person affect you dating them?: It probably would. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wants to own a cat with me. I love cats but I would never want them as a pet.

How do you travel to and from work?: I drive myself always. I don’t work yet, though.

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?: Cash, because I don’t have a card.

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?: I’ve been to arena concerts, if they mean the same thing lmao.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #206

“have you ever wished for death and prayed all night for your last breath?”

Do you always read the book before you see a movie based on a book? No. When you’re out with friends, do they ever encourage you to spend money you should be saving? 1.) I don't hang out w/ anyone now, 2.) but even when I did, they all knew I didn't make money. Is there anything you’re trying to save up money for? What? Perpetually tattoos, I want a PS4 super badly to play a novel of games I've been dying to play (SotC and Spyro trilogy remaster, I'm @ing you so hard), I need a car soon as I plan to at least try and get my license in the near future, I'd love to always have enough to immediately go to Sara's in case of an emergency, a trip to South Africa... but those are gonna take a good while to complete. I have my priorities straight for when I get a job. Have you ever watched a movie you didn’t really want to see just because a friend asked you to? Yeah. Did you end up liking the movie, anyway? There's been many cases of the above situation, so I'm sure in some instances I have. Heard any great songs for the first time lately? What songs? Hmmm, quite a number. "Radio" by Rammstein is great, and I love "bury a friend" and "bad guy" by Billie Eilish. What is your favorite urban legend? m o t h m a n and the joysey devil. Probably top two. GAH I love so many though????????????? Like Skinwalkers?????????????? And WENDIGOS????????? Have you seen all the cool shit?????????????? Do you remember the last nightmare you had? What was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever hopped on any bandwagons? HAHA. Freshman year, high school... I "liked" screamo or alternative-type bands I'd barely ever listened to or even enjoyed to fit in with the emos aldkjfalkwejr. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? Definitely not a complete one, but I can get pretty annoyed if in WoW we're in a heroic dungeon and people don't know the mechanics you should have already learned + read new ones that're right there in the goddamn journal laksdjfaoweir and then some people just totally ignore your advice and alskdjfwleiruwqoeif x2. Then again I've been that confused asshole in a couple raiding situations BUT LOOK they're harder and I had too much to catch up on okay. Still no excuse by WHATEVER. Have elitists on a fansite ever intimidated or talked down to you? I don't believe so. Is there anything you swear you will never do again? A few things with certainty. How late do you usually stay awake? I can literally go to bed as early as 7 to as late as 11 or rarely later. I do NOT have a schedule. Started months ago, and at first it frustrated and stressed me out quite a bit, but by now, I've just accepted it for me. Do you have pets? If so, how did you choose their names? Teddy: sister named him, but I'm sure it was the "cute as a teddy bear" type thing; Bentley: no clue; Roman: it sounded majestic, cats are majestic; Venus: pretty, and her coloration is similar to the planet; Kaiju: totally badass for an iguana that's gonna grow to be a big 'ole scaly boy; and Mitsu: I had a theme of giving my rats cutesy "M" names. Do you ever buy special treats for your pets? Occasionally. Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? Did a middle school student write this? If you're pretty fond of something, there you go, you're a fan. Sure, some are more intense, but that doesn't make the more casual ones not "real." What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? Idk, I don't pay attention. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? Christ, without. If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? HA. No. It is RARE I'll find a cute one, and that's always only online. Make pretty ones for plus-sized women a normal find, jfc. Idk why, but I am very picky with bras. Like good fucking luck seeing me without a shirt, so like,,,, why do I bother????? What length do you like your shorts to be? UM you will NOT see me in SHORTS. Have you ever cut off jeans or other pants and made them into shorts? Perhaps Mom has when I was a kid? But I have no memory of this ever happening. Have you cut the sleeves out of T-shirts to make tank tops? I don't think so. Have you ever modified a piece of clothing and hated how it turned out? ^ What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Ah jeez, what's the last time I even watched one. Idk. What was the last disappointing book you read? And I haven't read a book in even longer. Is there anything you’re really excited about? JOB. OPPORTUNITIES. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Vines, like shit dude. I can go on massive binges. What was the last thing you rolled your eyes about? I don't recall. What would you consider the greatest song ever recorded? Why? Yeesh, that's a big thing to decide. I recently discovered "A Reason to Fight" by Disturbed though, and it is. Incredible. Just read the lyrics to refresh my mind, and yeah, goosebumps. Do you like Hellboy? If so, do you prefer the old movies or the new one? Never seen any. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Dory, probably. But man, there's too many to choose from. Last thing you purchased just for fun? *shrugs* Do you even like behind-the-scenes stuff or does it ruin the magic for you? IF I'm real into the product, I love that stuff!! I've seen like every little BTS Silent Hill thing there is, probably, multiple hours' worth. What is your favorite thing about Mac computers? They're small and lightweight. What is your favorite thing about PCs? They generally hold much more memory. What are some errands you need to run soon? I don't have "errands" yet. Have your parents ever tried to convince people there was something wrong with you, when their “diagnosis” wasn’t accurate? No. List 3 of your best memories, times you wish you could go back and repeat. In no order, just as they come to me: 1.) First hug with Sara when we met at the airport; 2.) THE LOOK ON SARA'S FACE when she saw me in her room on her birthday (probably fave memory of all time, actually); 3.) seeing meerkats for the first time at the zoo. Ohhhh or maybe the true realization I was happy without Jason. But idk, that was SUCH a gradual process where I didn't feel ecstasy in like one moment. What color was your high school graduation gown? Ew, it was this obnoxious red. The majority apparently voted for it, while I was on the navy team. Are your parents’ dreams for your life different than your own? Mom's pretty dead-set on me being a vet, but she doesn't try to push me into it or anything. I know she just wants happiness for me. I haven't got a clue about Dad. Have your dreams for your life changed? Of course. What are your dreams now? HAPPY, stable job that I thoroughly enjoy, well-off financially (I don't aim to be rich, just "safe," you could say), healthy marriage, own my own home, travel to a few places, did y'all think I was gonna forget "meet Mark???"... stuff like that. What was your dream as a child? It changed plenty of times, but my earliest goal was to be a paleontologist. Do you feel safe in your country? Sure, I guess. Safer than most places. If applicable, do you feel safe at your school? N/A Would you ever want to learn sign language? It'd be cool, sure, but it's not something I'm interested in pursuing. How many meals do you eat a day? 2-3. Sometimes just one "real" meal. Do you own any succulents? No. What color are your walls? A hideous puke green. Why. What color were the walls in the bedroom you grew up in? I don't remember at all. What was the last song you listened to on repeat? "Love Falls" by HELLYEAH. What is your favorite style (or styles) of dance? Modern. Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No. Have you ever sung a solo? No. Which insects are you afraid of? Most, really. Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of an insect, when it’s so tiny? It depends on the insect, of course. Even if I do know what it is and it's "safe," I'll still typically freak if it surprises me. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Hmmm. Sara, I believe? What are you waiting for? Jesus FUCKING Christ on a bike a job. What do you usually feel like doing the most at home? Stuff on the laptop. What grade were you in when you had your first crush? I don't remember... For "puppy dog love," I believe maybe the 4th grade, but I may be wrong. I'd say my first *real* crush was on a guy named Sebastian in my freshman year of high school. Shit man, did a lot go down my freshman year. I'm just reminiscing and crushes jumped between like five dudes 'til Jason won. At what age did you start experiencing sexual attraction, if any? Some time in middle school, I think? Like that's when I had my first bisexuality crisis: 6th or 7th grade. Have you ever split open a rock with a hammer, to see the glitter inside? No, but FUCK I WANNA. What type of tree do you see the most of where you live? There's a pine tree outside my window. Oh, and there's a pine tree in my back yard. Oh, what's that across the road? Woods of pine trees. Where do all birds in NC live? In pine trees. What does our air smell like? Pine trees. Where is your favorite place you’ve lived? My previous home as far as location; house itself, where I am now. It's got its issues, but it's cozy and a perfect size for just two people. What states have you lived in? Just 'ole North Carolina. Take me awaaaaaaaaaaaay- Do you wish you were someone else? Sometimes. What is your favorite thing about the month in which it is now? Literally just flowers. That's it. It. Everything else can suck a legion of dicks. Who were your best friends in high school? Hannia, Girt, Jason (if he counts), Alon, Maria... I had a few "best" ones. ^Are they still your best friends now? Girt is my closest thing to a "best friend" if you don't include my girlfriend. Do you live near the mountains? No, they're on the opposite end of the state. ;___; Do you live near a beach? We're like, two-ish hours away. What is your favorite beach that you’ve been to? Idk and idc, beaches aren't my thing. Do you collect seashells? Not seriously, but I'll keep a cool one if I find one. If you were to start a new collection, what would it be? If I was not ashamed of looking like a 23-y/o pre-teen in love with Just Bieber, I'd have more Markiplier merch than you'd fucking believe. (One of my biggest regrets in life was not buying the tasteful nudes calendar; I will eternally smite myself for being too embarrassed to have to explain why I would have that hanging above my bed rip.) If you had to pick one year and describe it as the best year of your life that you want to relive again, which year would it be? 2017 was fuckin litty titty. Is your world view the same as your parents’? In some ways with Mom, and I do know Dad and I differ on a few things. Well, if I learned more about his more political beliefs, I feel I'd probably disagree with most. What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Are you the person you thought you’d be when you were younger? No. Are you a confrontational person, or the peacekeeper? I'm a massive peacekeeper. I avoid confrontation like the PLAGUE. Do you like to read? Not nearly as much as I used to. Like all I ever read nowadays are RP posts as I obviously have to reply to them, but if they're long, it is common I procrastinate on reading it... ;_; Do you sleep too much or not enough? Probably too much, especially when I go to bed early. Although, I do wake up throughout the night and sometimes officially pretty early. Then some days I have a 1-2 hour nap, so that just adds to it. Who is your best friend? Sara. <3 How did you two meet? YouTube. How did you meet your current bf/gf? ^ How far away is your closest family member? Well I live with my mom, but she's at work atm. The last time you did something with BOTH of your parents was? BOY OH FUCKING BOY. My mom's the most bitter witch towards him, so even for family events, Dad usually only stops by to avoid creating a goddamn wreck, such as at birthday dinners. I think the last time they were in the same house was for my nephew's birthday half a year ago, I believe. What’s your favorite holiday? Halloween!!! Now that I have a niece and nephew who grasp the concept of Santa, Christmas is also really special to me. I don't want kids, but watching those sweethearts get so excited over their presents is magical. For me personally, the holiday has grown more and more about celebrating family, especially as we continue to branch out/go our own ways. So I guess I like the idea of Halloween better and would enjoy it more if I actually had something to do, but as far as joy goes, Christmas. Do you like pumpkin pie? I hate anything and everything pumpkin-flavored. The last time you went to the doctor, what were you there for? It was the see my psychiatrist. Do you take any medication regularly? Yeah. Is there any particular view you have on insane people? I see "insane" versus "sane" as far more of a gradient shift instead of a direct split; there're levels. I actually do legitimately think I at some juncture in the aftermath of the breakup qualified as slightly insane, yet I wasn't dangerous or entirely out of touch with reality. So if you tell me someone's actually insane, I'm going to fear them being the explosive, entirely unpredictable and loopy kind, but I know the person may be calm and somewhat stable on the outside, too. You gotta consider the severity. Do you believe in any conspiracies? 9/11 was orchestrated by the government and you cannot change my mind. I'm not totally sold on this one and lean more towards "nah" (I think), but the "we live in a simulation by a future civilization" is not that far-fetched at all if you actually look into it. It's very interesting, whether or not you're sold on it. Hell, Neil deGrasse Tyson firmly believes in it. Out of your friends, who is the funniest? Girt makes me laugh at the snap of his fingers, it seems. Anything you need to get rid of? I'm sure somewhere... Do you have any wasted talents? Animal knowledge and compassion, probably... I know I could make a fantastic rehabilitator for animals, among a plethora of other animal-related preservation and protection actions I could actively engage in. Well, I'm going back to school for zoology, but even now, I want to do more. There is a wildlife rehab place I may be able to volunteer at soon, tho! Mom's talking to a guy at work about me helping there. DAMN, livin a dream. Do you let the little things get to you? The issue could be as small as a single cell and it could still bother me. How often do you cry? Maybe once in a week, possibly longer. I don't know if you mean like really cry or just tear up/lightly cry. The latter is pretty common, but the other, not so much. Even if I want to cry, my jaw just entirely locks the hell up and I physically can't get it out. Is there anything you’re trying to prevent? I mean besides the common sense things everyone takes action to avoid, hm. I feel like there's so much, yet nothing is coming to me? Well, actually, it's usually a daily struggle to prevent at least one OCD cycle. When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrug* When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life? It's been quite a while... At least over a year ago, when I began to get antsy with wanting a job and later going back to school. It just all started when I realized I was healed from the breakup and ready to move forward in life, but I wasn't. Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? Multiple people. What colors has your hair been? Dirty blonde, brown, red, and purple. I've had red and purple highlights, and I naturally have blondish ones, too. I'm ready to dye it again, jfc. Most attempts are failures because my hair does NOT take color well whatsoever. It's only ever worked perfectly with the brand Splat, and my hair soaked in the dye for a LONG time before washing it out. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? We share interest in plenty of the same bands, Mom especially. Is there any food in your bedroom? What? No. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? MY LITTLE SISTER. Haven't seen the woman in three years, but I can promise you Jason's mom still has it to a legendary degree. How expensive is too expensive for a pair of shoes? I haven't looked for shoes in so long that I don't even know the average price. What kinds of cereal are in the cupboard? Honey Nut Cheerios, normal Cheerios I think, and we have a little bit of the chocolate chunk Special K cereal left over. It's got to be stale by now (it's not even closed fully); I need to remember to toss it. What’s the last thing you spent over $10 on? Ummm I'm not sure. Over $30? I think my tongue piercing was $40? Maybe even lower? Or slightly higher?? I don't remember. Do you know who lives three houses down from you? I think so. The one time I was locked out of my house in the snow with Teddy and I waited like a fucking hour until I broke down, absolutely freezing (I was in my pajamas, dude), and walked down the road to try and get help (I needed to call my mom, obviously, and I didn't have my phone), I believe it was the third neighbor who answered. Turned out being a retired deputy who was super intimidating yet kind at the same time; he let Teddy and me stay in his house (mind you, Teddy is incontinent and didn't have his diaper on, which I warned him about) while Mom was on her way home. He gave me a jacket and some water, even when I said I was fine, but you could tell he wasn't totally sure about trusting this random, sobbing girl at his door because he asked me a thousand questions about my story and quizzed if I really did live in this area. Obviously a good cop, but after a day like that, I was just terrified of an old man who appeared a bit gruff. But thankfully Mom got there to save the day and I am forever grateful for that guy. WOW what a story for a simple question. Is there a bulletin board in your room? No. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? "Health freak" seems a bit extreme for both of them, but Mom is more concerned about health in general. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We just have tortilla chips, I think. I try to keep snacks out of the house to avoid temptation, and who eats plain tortilla chips. Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Mom's. What’s the first thing you see when you walk into your bedroom? Most would probably notice my Nightmare Before Christmas poster first, being as big as it is and on the wall opposite the entrance. Do you prefer the truth, even if it’s harsh? YES. I NEED to know this kinda stuff, even if the truth is really hard to hear. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I don't think so. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? I think I did when my very first band teacher did. EVERYONE loved him. Like, the entire school. Does your kitchen look like it was designed in a completely different decade? No? When’s the last time you wore heels? Great question. Probably not since my sister's wedding in '16. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? My grampa's on Mom's side. What’s the best date movie? Probably a rom com? Have your parents ever been out of the country? No. How many pairs of jeans, all together, are in your house? Zero. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I'll swear under my breath or seethe in frustration, but I never yell. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? No. Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Whenever she starts dating a guy, she dips, and whenever/if ever we talk, she rambles absolutely endlessly about him. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't possibly care less about how your eyebrows look. Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman and Bentley sure do. Bentley is a Professional Fly Moncher, specifically. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Uhhh good question. Probs the night before Sara got here for my b-day. What is your mom’s favorite movie? Hm, good question! I'd ask her, but I don't want her to ask me why I am lmao. What TV family reminds you of your own family? Probably none. Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? No. I don't remember what I thought, but I know it wasn't that. Do you have any relatives who really spoil you? No, I think? Well Dad gives my sisters and me way too much money for Christmas and always tells us to ask him if we need anything, but I pretty much never ask him for said things, so I don't know the extent he'd go. Are there any drawers in your house that are just filled with junk? Pretty much. Is the last person you spoke to in love? That's my mom, so I doubt that with all I know. Do you know anyone who has security cameras in their house? I don't believe so. What was the last movie to make you cry? I think the last was Coco. Moana may have made me tear up, but I can't remember... Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? Not to my memory. What time do you usually go to sleep at sleepovers, if ever? I haven't been to a sleepover in God knows how long. Who was the main character in the last book you read? Alice Liddell. Who are the last people you saw kiss? Via YouTube, Jeffree and his boyfriend. Irl, I don't know. Have you ever posted a fan fiction on a website? No. Do you ever fantasize about your future wedding? Who’s the bride/groom? Not very much. Like I've had brief daydreams about it, sure, but it's not something that's on my mind a lot. Still got a long time before that happens. What was the last unpleasant thing to wake you up? My cat not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Well, it depends; stars if we're in a completely isolated area where you can see them crystal clear or the clouds are boring, but otherwise, clouds if their design and colors are cool. Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No. Do you ever wonder what the opposite sex do at sleepovers? No. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? My mom, no questions asked. When’s the last time you broke plans? Why? I wasn't feeling well. I was supposed to see my VR coach that day. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? Yes, my sister's. I was a bridesmaid. It was an absolutely awful experience because I was hot as fuck, it was triggering as HELL with me still grieving Jason, and I felt positively hideous in a dress when I was at such a horrible weight. I wish so dearly I could redo that day; I fell like I put a serious damper on my sister's big day. Would you feel safer with an alarm system or security cameras? Hm, depends on the scenario... I guess an alarm system? Like security cameras will show a murderer climbing through my window, but they're not gonna wake me up to save my ass. Does it matter to you what kind of shampoo you use? So long it smells nice, isn't watery, and doesn't only add oil to my hair, I don't care much. Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No. When riding a bus, do you prefer to sit in front, in the back, or in the middle? Hm... idk. When I took the bus home with Jason, we always sat in the back, and that's really the only time I took a bus regularly. I think otherwise, I'd prefer the middle, closer to the front? I think I usually did that on occasions like band competitions and such. Have you ever been on a cross-country train ride? No. Are you normally a person to tell people off? No, that's rare. Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Meerkat Manor. Though I would hope they'd lessen down on the false story-telling. Stick to the true KMP events. When you feel stressed, do you take things out on the wrong people? Sometimes. Do you even wear any jeans other than skinny anymore? I don't wear jeans period. What did you talk about at lunch today with your friends? N/A Are you sensitive to caffeine? Definitely not. My system's too used to it, probably. How do you usually get around? Mom drives me. I'm 23. :^) Which languages do you wish you could speak fluently in? German. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? SURPRISINGLY no, at least to my memory. Do you like Vitamin Water? Never tried, don't want to. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Dad and me on his birthday. Do you know anyone that uses Sprint as their phone carrier? Idk. Well, I think. When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? Sometime during Bobby's visit literally days ago. I already forgot who took it... and who else was in it lmao. Do you own a pair of slippers? Yeah, two. A meerkat pair and then a far less extra pair that're closer to socks. I think they have cats on them? I got them for Christmas I think and haven't worn or seen them much. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? Not a fan of either, but Carrie Underwood is more tolerable and even has a couple songs I enjoy. Name something negative that you hate about yourself: I'll jump to a conclusion within .02 seconds of something negative happening. Or not even "negative" or something that's purely in my head. Is your house currently hot, cold or just right? The house itself is fine, and my room is just right because I have my fan on. Is there a Dead End road near where you live? I can't think of one off the top of my head, but it's likely, really. There's lots of those here. Growing up, did you see your cousins often? No. We live many states away on both parents' sides. Where was your first job at? GameStop. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot? (Celebrities) It's been like two days and I'm over seeing the James Charles/Tati drama everywhere. You can't be interested in the YouTube community without being drowned in that shit right now somehow someway on any YT-coverage page and YouTube itself. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? I personally haven't. Would you date someone who’s shorter than you? I very openly and severely judge you if fucking height means that much to you. Do you mind being the third wheel? Not really, no. I'd only feel uncomfortable if they were getting pretty intimate. Has a kiss ever made you weak in the knees? Um I didn't know that was actually a thing so no. Do you feel comfortable buying condoms? Never been in that position. Have you ever dated two people at once? No. Have you ever been tested for STDs? No. Well wait, that time I gave blood I probably was just out of safety protocol. Have you ever run into your ex with his/her new sweetie? No. Have you ever felt guilty after doing something sexual? When I was in that "wait does this break the abstinence rule" phase, yeah. God was I technical. Have you ever had a condom break during sex? N/A Do your parents know if you’re having sex? Well considering I'm with a girl and she lives states away, that answer's obvious. Do you eat chips or crackers more? Chips. Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? A dancer. Would you rather be a musician or a painter? A painter, maybe? If I could play the electric guitar, though... idk. What social media sites do you visit the most? Facebook. What did you hair look like in high school? Long, thick as fuck, brown (or dyed black) with some sort of highlight, and it was split to the left with the hair swooped over my right eye. Basically "I want the emo swoop but my hair is too fucking thick to obey hairspray." :^) Which dollar store do you shop at? Depends on what's closest, usually. We rarely ever stop at one unless it's for candy to bring into the movie theater, seriously lol. I think usually Dollar General? Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? WE DON'T KNOW EITHER. Skeletons or scarecrows? s k e l l y b o y s Has anyone ever given you the silent treatment? Yep. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? I learned on that day I hate giving blowjobs. Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No, thankfully. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you ‘shortie’ instead of girl? BOY I would fucking cackle. I hate that word. No. Do you ever watch The Simpsons? No. Have you ever sent an embarrassing moment of yours into a mag to be printed? OH MY GOD I remember that!!! But no. What IS your most embarrassing moment? Too lazy to go through the novel of 'em to pick the worst. Do you think you’re more cute or sexy? You assume I find myself either. Do you own any mini skirts? I don't own any skirts period. Do you draw little hearts and stuff with eyeliner next to your eyes? No. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever lost? Idk. Has your mom ever lied to you? I'm sure she has before. Do you have a deep voice? For a girl, yeah. When’s the last time someone made breakfast for you? *shrugs* Exclusively for me, probably never. Do you do something new with your hair practically every day? No, it's the same everyday. When someone knocks on the door, who do you think it is? Delivery guy. Has anyone ever licked your foot? Ew no. Do you play games with boys/girls, like ‘hard to get’? I'm not 15. Has a guy ever quoted a romantic Shakespeare line to you? No, and I'm glad, as I'd cringe into another realm. Is there a Sonic where you live? Yes, I LIVE- Do you smile with your teeth? Usually. I look less high, at least. What did you eat for lunch today? A pb&j. What do you like on your pizza? Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers. What is in the back seat of your car right now? I don't own a personal car. Mom has a a load of stuff in the back of hers, at least I think... That's super rare, but she's been so ungodly busy idk if she's had time to clean it out. I haven't paid attention so can't recall. What was the last thing you threw up? Idr. Menthol or regular cigarettes? I don't smoke and never have, so idk. What is your favorite episode of Friends? I don't watch it, and I haven't seen many episodes at all if for whatever reason I was in a room and it was on. Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you been to a strip club? No. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Hell if I remember. It had to either be my 16th birthday when Jason's family was all together watching the Super Bowl, or a hockey game with my dad. Last person’s house you were in? Besides my own, my sister's. Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? Nicole. Ever go to camp? No. Were you an honor roll student in school? Yeah. Do you have a tan? HA no. How old do you want to be when you have kids? I don't want kids. Are you someone’s best friend? Yeah. Favorite gemstone? Dragon's breath opal. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru, almost always. Does your first memory involve your dad? No. When was the last time you went swimming? Last summer at the beach. Holy fuck the water was so perfect. Has your luggage ever gotten lost? No. Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar? No. Like... just why. Do you ever get flu shots? No.

[waveridden]

FIC: wave my hand, reveal the stars (brooke/noah/stavo)

MTV Scream. Background Audrey&Noah and Emma&Noah. 3.6k. cws: canonical character deaths and trauma; panic attack

“Because it’s March,” Brooke says, like he should know this. “And we’re not going to have a lot longer to take ill-advised weekends off school and just be normal teenagers.”

Noah comes dangerously close to saying something stupid, something like “we’re not just normal teenagers,” but he sees the way Brooke is looking at him and stops. Because she knows and has the scars to prove it. She definitely doesn’t need him reminding her.

(Or: the Lakewood Five go on a road trip.)

[read on Ao3 | title lyric]

By the time college acceptances start coming in, Noah has a resume twice as long as most people twice his age. Between the graphic novels and The Morgue, people have heard of him, and that’s apparently… something he’s going to have to deal with.

“It’s because you’re good at what you do,” Audrey points out when he tries to - not complain, he’s definitely not complaining about the scholarship offers and the admissions, but at least point out that this definitely isn’t normal. “Lots of high schoolers probably have shitty podcasts and bad graphic novels, but you-”

“-have Stavo doing the art?” Noah quips. “And Piper Shaw’s audience? My success has never been because of me.”

“It’s because of you and the people you choose to surround yourself with. Or steal listeners from, as the case may be.” Audrey shrugs. “You take what you can get.”

“And you get what you can take,” Noah mutters. It’s nonsense, maybe, except he’s both gotten and taken in his life and he’s not sure what’s brought him more. But maybe he’d rather take listeners and readers and notoriety, because he’s earned a bit of non-killer-based notoriety by now, right? Right.

Audrey rolls her eyes. “You still didn’t answer my question,” she says, which is… true, actually. “Have you decided what you want to go to school for yet? Writing? Journalism? Broadcast?”

“Underwater basket-weaving,” Noah says, and Audrey bumps her shoulder against his. “What, just because I didn’t get into some neat little West Coast film school-”

“California film school, thanks, there’s a difference.”

“And SoCal, no less.” Noah grins. “My awesome best friend.”

“Which is why you need to pick a school. So I can brag about my awesome best friend.” Audrey looks at him expectantly. “Do you need to talk through it?”

Noah does not, because he can recite the conversation they’ll have, word for word. Well, everyone knows me for the graphic novel, but that’s kind of Stavo’s thing, isn’t it, so I don’t think I can do that. So you’re going to do the podcast then? No, there are other murder podcasts, and hopefully I never have new murders to broadcast about. Then what are you going to do, Noah?

Yeah. What’s he going to do?

 #

 Brooke plans the entire road trip, which is why Noah trusts it instinctively, maybe, even though it kind of sounds like yet another horror movie in the making.

“My dad owned a cabin upstate in the mountains,” she explains, and Noah is fiercely proud of the way her voice doesn’t catch as she says it, even though it’s not his to be proud of. “We can take a long weekend, we’ve earned a nice, normal vacation.”

“I’m bringing a gun,” Audrey says, ever practical.

Emma shifts closer to Audrey. “How’s the cell reception?”

“Never had a problem,” Brooke promises. “And it’s close to a town, so it’s not like we’ll be all alone. It doesn’t even have to be this weekend or anything. But we have to go.”

“Have to?” Noah repeats. “Why?”

“Because it’s March,” Brooke says, like he should know this. “And we’re not going to have a lot longer to take ill-advised weekends off school and just be normal teenagers.”

Noah comes dangerously close to saying something stupid, something like “we’re not just normal teenagers,” but he sees the way Brooke is looking at him and stops. Because she knows and has the scars to prove it. She definitely doesn’t need him reminding her.

Instead he looks at Audrey. “I already know you’re in.”

“I’m bringing a gun,” Audrey says again. “And I’m researching this place for spooky ghost legends, just in case.”

Brooke beams and Noah can’t help but look at her. It kind of feels like staring into the sun, where he knows nothing good will come out of it but he wants to look anyways, just so the after-image will stay with him. “Stavo said he’ll drive,” she says, because of course Stavo did, he’s the kind of guy who likes driving, who’ll drive his friends upstate just because.

“I’ll have to tell my mom,” Emma says thoughtfully, which is as good as a yes. Emma and Maggie have reached some kind of understanding, the kind that Noah gave up on having long ago because an understanding involves parents who care, but it means she’ll be there.

“Noah?” Brooke says, and Noah realizes that he’s definitely just been staring at Brooke, shit. But she doesn’t look bothered by it. She’s just smiling at him. “You coming?”

Like he ever had a choice. “Of course,” he says. Emma smiles and Audrey bumps her shoulder against his and all Noah can see is Brooke’s smile widening.

 #

 An incomplete list of side-effects of serial-murder-based trauma, compiled by and pertaining to one Noah Foster:

1. The nightmares. That’s probably obvious.

2. He doesn’t like texting anymore. Not that he texts people very often, but he’s figured out that there’s no way to be sure that the texts he gets are from who they say they’re from. (They have security questions, codewords. It’s Emma’s idea, but Noah definitely uses it the most. Nobody ever judges him for it, either, which is… probably a side-effect of collective trauma, really, but Noah likes to think that it’s because he has good friends.)

3. He doesn’t like calling very much either. Or, specifically, the first few dozen times he got a call from an unknown number after everything went down, he threw his phone into a wall.

4. He changed his ringtone. All of them did.

5. He doesn’t like small spaces. That’s probably also obvious.

6. Small spaces apparently includes cars, sometimes, which Noah finds out the July between junior and senior year. He’s an hour into a car trip on the way to visit family when something underneath his skin lights on fire, and suddenly everything is too small, too close, too much for him all over again, and nothing his parents say helps at all.

(He calls Brooke, because if anyone knows anything about dealing with trauma-based claustrophobia it’s definitely Brooke, and she talks to him about school nonsense, all the way across the state border and into Utah. Stavo shows up at some point and talks to him too, about the graphic novel and The Morgue. By the time Noah crosses into Arizona they’ve all started talking about family, mostly Noah’s, after some questions from Stavo. It’s not until his phone dies that Noah realizes how far he’s driven, how far they carried him.)

7. Sudden loud noises are a no-go.

8. Anything with a mask? Also a no. (He and Stavo go to a horror convention in December, to promote the graphic novel, and they’re both jumping at shadows the whole time. Or, well, Stavo does for a while, and while PTSD isn’t a competition Noah thinks that he wins this round - loses, maybe, whichever means he has it worse - because he can’t calm down. But Stavo does, and he steers Noah around the convention center with a hand on his elbow, never letting go if he doesn’t have to.)

9. He doesn’t trust tall scruffy dudes in leather jackets. Actually, that one’s mostly Emma’s, but he co-opts it anyways.

Tenth but not last - and this is probably the one that matters the most, in the long term - is dating. Between Riley and Zoe, he doesn’t have a great track record, and he knows there’s no reason to assume there’ll be another killer that’ll come after them, but there was no reason to assume it would happen the first time, either. And it’s not his fault, except - maybe it is? Maybe he feels responsible for it. So he’s not going to date someone who hasn’t survived a serial killer, just on principle, which limits his options. Emma’s just a friend, Audrey has surpassed “love interest�� and catapulted straight into “cool sister,” and…

And nothing. That’s the end of it.

(It’s not the end. When has saying that ever made something end? It’s just that Brooke and Stavo are already dating each other, and he’s never going to be able to get in the middle of that. He doesn’t even know which one of them he would want to date, which is… a whole other issue, honestly, and he’d burn that bridge if he ever got to it. So it’s good he’ll never get to it.)

 #

 Emma shows up to the road trip with three fully-packed picnic baskets, all courtesy of Maggie. Audrey shows up with four audiobooks, two comedy podcasts, and seven albums of different genres. Stavo brings his dad’s minivan. Brooke, in all technicality, brought the road trip.

“Oh my god, I didn’t bring anything,” Noah whispers, quietly enough that only Audrey can hear him. “Do I need to go get something? What do you bring on road trips?”

“You can buy groceries once we get to the cabin,” Audrey suggests. “Or you could bring nothing, and let the rest of us be as extra as we want.”

“You’ve never been extra before in your life,” Noah says boldly. Audrey rolls her eyes at him. “Seriously, though, are we going to need groceries? Because I can get-”

“Everyone get in the van or we’re leaving,” Brooke shouts. “I get shotgun, Noah gets the backseat.”

Audrey’s jaw drops. “Hey, I wanted the backseat!”

“Tough,” Stavo says. He and Brooke are standing next to the van, dressed up like springtime and something idyllic, his arm wrapped around her waist. Staring into the sun, Noah thinks. “You and Emma are in the middle row.”

“Bullshit,” Audrey half-whines. “Noah doesn’t care if he’s in the middle, right, Noah?”

Noah opens his mouth to say that no, he doesn’t care, actually, and then stops. The backseat is definitely going to have more room than the middle seats would - maybe not leg room, but enough that if he gets antsy again he can move around and swap positions without bumping into anyone. Brooke and Stavo definitely did this on purpose. For him.

“Actually,” Noah says apologetically, “I definitely care, and I’m not looking this gift horse in the mouth.”

Audrey glares at him. “Traitor.”

“But I get the backseat,” Noah sing-songs. Audrey rolls her eyes and starts towards the van. “Aw, c’mon, Auds, you can pick the first album we listen to.”

“I was already going to pick that,” Audrey says. “But you’ve lost your album privileges.”

“For the way there or the way back?”

“Depends on whether or not you behave.”

Noah wrinkles her nose at him. “Do you ever get to critique someone else’s behavior?”

Audrey flips him off as she climbs into the van. Emma’s already waiting in the other middle seat, so Noah goes to the van, looking at Brooke and Stavo as he does. “Thank y-”

“Just get in the van,” Brooke says, but she’s smiling at him like she’s pleased with him, or with herself.

“Enjoy the extra leg room,” Stavo adds, with a flicker of a smirk, and Noah feels warm. He’s not sure if it’s blushy warm or wow-my-friends-care warm, but he knows he has to get out of this situation, stat.

“I will,” he says, and Stavo’s smile widens, and Noah smiles back out of reflex before he climbs in the back.

Audrey kicks his shin as he climbs past her. It could mean any number of things but Noah decides that it must mean she forgives him for taking the backseat. Yeah. That’s definitely it.

 #

 Noah does pay for groceries once they’re at the cabin. It’s one part out of guilt, one part because he can pay for it (thank you, podcast sponsors), and one part because he wants to go into town.

Emma comes with him. She doesn’t say much as they walk into town, or as they get the groceries, but on the walk back she says, “Is it weird that I’m glad the air is thinner up here?”

Noah blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Like I have an excuse to have trouble breathing,” Emma says, conversationally, like she’s not making batshit crazy comments about PTSD. Noah kind of likes it. “I know it sounds awful, but it’s nice to have the excuse, you know?”

“Yeah,” Noah says, because he does know. “Do you still get panic attacks?”

“Not as often as I used to.” Emma brushes her hair behind one ear. “I know it’s a big step forward, you know, daily down to every other day.”

“Down to once a week?”

Emma laughs. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, alright?”

“Never.” Noah grins at her. “We’re gonna be messed up till we’re not anymore.”

“And when can we expect that?”

“I don’t think it’s something we can expect so much as it’s something that’ll happen.”

Emma nods, looking thoughtful. “It’ll happen,” she says. Noah’s not sure if she’s talking to him or to herself. “Noah?”

“Yeah, Em?”

“We’re gonna get through this, right?”

Noah thinks that the rest of the world probably expects them to be through it already. It’s been five months since Halloween, over a year since Piper. But that’s not enough time. They’ve buried too many people to be done digging through the wreckage, let alone rebuilding.

“Yeah, Em,” Noah says softly, and Emma smiles at him like she might even believe him. “We’re gonna get through this.”

 #

 The problem with not being through this is:

Noah wakes up at 4:17 in the morning and his skin is too tight around his body. There are three bedrooms in the cabin: the one Brooke is sharing with Stavo, the one Emma is sharing with Audrey, and the one Noah is sharing with his suitcase and his post-traumatic stress. It’s that same stress that wakes him up and he knows, instantly, that the room is too small for him. There are no windows, it’s too dark, and he needs to get the fuck out.

So he does. He grabs his phone, he scribbles something on a sticky note that he leaves on the kitchen counter, and he bolts out the door. The air is too thin up here and it doesn’t help, and the sun isn’t out and it doesn’t help, but he can walk. And that always helps.

“Okay,” Noah says. His ears are ringing. “Okay. What can I do?”

He walks to town, because it’s something to do. It’s a mile and some more away, and it feels longer in the dark, without Emma there. And he loves the mountains - god, he loves the mountains and living in Colorado - but the thin air and the breakdown don’t mesh super well. And every time he thinks he’s worked it out of his system he’ll have some stupid thought, like Riley would love the stars up here or Zoe talked about camping once and it’ll set him right back off, and he walks in circles, into the woods, out of the woods, into the streets.

Noah’s phone starts ringing at - and he has to check, to make sure - 6:32. He blinks at the screen slowly before answering. “Brooke?”

“Password,” Brooke says, voice tight.

It takes Noah a couple seconds to think of it. “Skinny jeans. Password?”

“Watermelon sorbet.” She sighs. “You okay?”

He wants to say yes. Instead he swallows, throat feeling too thick. “I don’t know.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in town. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Do you want to get breakfast?”

“I don’t know if I can eat.”

“Stavo and I can eat, you get coffee and steal our food if you get hungry.”

Something about that makes Noah’s stomach drop. “Brooke-”

“We were going to drive into town anyways,” Brooke says. It’s not quite gentle, but it’s gentler than she normally gets. “I couldn’t sleep either.”

Noah takes a deep, dizzying breath. “Okay.”

“Good. Meet us at Wallflower Diner?”

“I don’t know where that is.”

“It’s a block from the grocery store. We’ll be there in like ten minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” Noah says. He feels more centered than he has all morning. Brooke has that effect. “Tha-”

“Don’t,” Brooke says sharply. “You don’t have to thank us for anything, okay? We’re all just working our way through this together.”

Noah closes his eyes and swallows hard. “Thank you anyways.”

Brooke sighs. “You’re impossible.”

“And you’re not?”

She hums. “Maybe. Ten minutes?”

“Ten minutes,” Noah repeats, and doesn’t say goodbye before he hangs up.

 #

 Stavo waves him over as soon as he’s inside the Wallflower Diner, already sitting in a booth. “Brooke’s talking to the waitstaff,” he explains as Noah approaches. “She apparently knows them all.”

“Because of her dad,” Noah guesses. Guesses correctly, if the way Stavo’s eyes flicker is any indication. “Shit.”

Stavo shrugs, gestures at a mug sitting next to him. “We got you coffee. Four cream, two sugars.”

Noah looks at the coffee warily. Stavo has done enough coffee runs during graphic novel plans that he knows how Noah takes his coffee, just like Noah knows his, and Brooke’s, and the sheriff’s. “Sitting… next to you?”

“Uh, yeah, that was the plan.”

“Okay,” Noah says, too fast but not squeaky like he was afraid of, and plops down next to Stavo. This is fine, totally fine. He’s still jittery but he feels like an actual person again, and he can definitely handle sitting next to Stavo, his friend, his business partner, the dude he would totally date if he had the chance but that’s not the point because he can platonically sit next to a guy-

“You look cold,” Stavo says, and before Noah can protest Stavo’s arm is around his waist, tugging him over, and Noah’s so tired that he lets himself be tugged because he’s not initiating it so it’s definitely not weird, right? And besides, Stavo is holding onto him and that’s something solid, something reassuring.

“That note freaked you guys out, huh?” Noah takes a sip of the coffee. His hands aren’t shaking but he still feels like he’s going to drop the mug.

Stavo shrugs. “Our last group vacation didn’t end so great.”

“Yeah, our standards are kind of out of whack now. Nobody died yet, so we’re doing okay.”

“And you brought your phone with you, which made our lives easier.”

Noah takes another sip of his coffee. “Brooke said she couldn’t sleep.”

“Woke up around an hour ago. Dreaming about her dad.” Stavo shifts his arm around Noah’s waist and he knows, knows it’s a bad idea, but he leans into Stavo’s side anyways, head dropping onto his shoulder. “She’s tough. You both are.”

Noah snorts. “She’s tougher than I ever was, and we all know it.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Stavo says lightly. “You took something awful and you made it into art. Two different kinds of art. Not a lot of people can do that.”

“Not a lot of people have enough awful things happen to them,” Noah says dryly, and Stavo laughs at that, soft and genuine and Noah kind of wants to live in it. He can hear footsteps approaching them and he knows it’s Brooke, and that he should get up, but he thinks he’ll be selfish. Just for a few seconds.

“You two,” Brooke sighs. She sounds tired as hell, Noah can hear it just like he can hear that she’s been crying. He looks up just as she slides into the booth next to Noah, without hesitation, putting her head on his shoulder. One of her ankles hooks around his, and Stavo reaches out the hand that’s on Noah’s waist, and she takes it, and Noah thinks a little hysterically that this is never what he imagined when he thought about being caught up between them.

“You good?” Stavo asks, voice low.

Brooke makes a noise that might be yes, might be no. “I’m glad you came with me,” she says. “Both of you.”

“I didn’t,” Noah starts, only he’s not sure how to finish that.

“You’re here,” Stavo says, with finality. “You showed up. That’s more than a lot of people do.”

“And you’re okay,” Brooke says, jostling his ankle.

Noah takes a breath and thinks about passwords, phone calls, car rides, backseats, diners, horror conventions, Brooke, Stavo, him. Always making room for him. And if he’s going to ruin this he knows it’s unfair to do it now, when they have the rest of the weekend together, but nothing about the past year and a half has been fair.

“Guys,” he says around the knot in his chest. “What are you doing?”

“Getting breakfast,” Brooke says. “Asking you out, maybe, depending on how breakfast goes.”

“But we don’t have to talk about that right now,” Stavo says, before Noah even has the chance to tense up. “Seriously, first priority is getting some food in you, because you look like you need it.”

“But-”

“But we can talk about it later,” Stavo says a little more firmly.

Brooke scoffs. Noah can’t see her face but he knows she rolls her eyes. “If you want to talk about it,” she clarifies, softer than Stavo.

And Noah - Noah doesn’t know where he’s going to college, or what for. Noah doesn’t know when he’ll wake up in a bedroom feeling trapped. Noah doesn’t know when the panic is going to fade. But he knows that he wants this. Whatever it is, he wants it.

“Okay,” Noah says, and he can feel both of them relax against him. “Jesus, were you that nervous?”

“I was absolutely that nervous,” Stavo says, tugging Noah closer. Brooke doesn’t answer, just curls a little closer against him.

“Huh,” Noah says. He shouldn’t be surprised. He knows what it’s like to have something worth losing. Maybe now he is that something.

[juggieheadcoopers-blog]

I was wondering if you could write a fic (inspired by the Extra gum commercial) where for every momentous event that happened in their life (First meet, first kiss, etc), Jughead writes about his feelings about her and he compiles all his little notes until the end where he gives it to Betty before proposing to her Ps. if you could have it where Jughead includes his proposal note for Betty to read before he actually proposes to her, I'll probably die from the feels

Ah! Sorry this took so long, I loved the idea so much but I wasn’t sure how I wanted to execute it so I hope it does this amazing request justice!

A/N: I wasn’t sure of when they first met in canon, so I just made something up. Sorry if it’s totally wrong lol. Also, I referenced a fic I wrote about their first date so you can find that here. Hope you like it @jeemyjamz!!!

–

Betty stepped into Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe expecting to find Jughead waiting for her in the same booth they had been meeting at since they were kids. Instead, she found the entire restaurant decorated the way it had been on their first date nearly ten years ago, twinkle lights and candles illuminating the entire room in a beautiful white light that made everything glow.

“Juggie?” Betty called out to the empty restaurant, scanning the room from one end to the other for any sign of him and realizing that he was nowhere to be found. In fact, it looked as though there was no one working in the kitchen or behind the counter either. She was completely alone. And it was starting to make her nervous.

“Okay, don’t freak out, you’re fine,” Betty muttered to herself, shrugging off her jacket and tossing it into a booth next to her. But instead of landing in the booth, the long black coat missed the seat completely and landed into a heap on the floor. Frustrated, Betty bent down to retrieve it when she noticed markings on the tile that hadn’t been there the previous day. “What’s this?”

Betty leaned forward to find that a line of arrows were drawn in thick black marker all along the tiled floor. Curious, Betty followed their lead until she ended up standing in front of the same booth she had thought she would find Jughead when she first entered the restaurant. But instead of her boyfriend, she found a thick, leather-bound journal waiting for her on the table. Picking it up, she noticed the sticky note stuck to the cover and smiled to herself, reading the words slowly as she took in the familiar slant of Jughead’s handwriting.

“Betty Cooper, if you weren’t such as grade-A super sleuth, I wouldn’t have trusted you to find this - but luckily for me, you’re a much better detective than I ever was so I suspect you have found the journal and are reading this note right now. I guess I should tell you that I’m giving this to you because I’ve been writing in this book since I was ten-years-old and every single entry is a memory of our time together. I’ve marked the ones of the most interest and am hoping that you will read them and not think less of me. Once you’ve reached the last page and you have followed the directions, you will find me waiting for you. Have fun traveling down memory lane. See you on the other side.”

Taking a deep breath, Betty opened to the first marked page and began to read. 

The First Day of Kindergarten (Age 5)

This is the day I first met you. I saw your parents dropping you off in the classroom and remember thinking that you had the shiniest blonde hair I had ever seen. All I could think about the entire day - during nap time and recess and snack - was running up to you and pulling on that curly blonde ponytail of yours. So I did. And while most of the girls in our class would have cried or screamed or thrown blocks at my head, you simply turned around, smiled that sweet smile of yours, and said, “Hi. I’m Betty Cooper. If you want, you can sit with me on the carpet during circle time. I’ll even let you touch my ponytail. All you have to do is ask.” I couldn’t believe it. A five-year-old with better manners than most of the adults in my life. My mind couldn’t fully grasp it, and I knew, even if I didn’t fully understand it at the time, that my entire world was about to change. So once I learned how to write in complete sentences without fully botching the grammar - that’s when I started this journal for you. A journal of all the times you changed my life. A journal of how my world continues to change everyday because of you.

Betty flipped to the next page and immediately noticed that the handwriting had changed. These were the entries that he had written when he was a kid. And they were addressed to her.

The Day You Let Me Sit On Your Swing Set (Age 10)

I spent most of the day crying. My dad’s drinking again. He’s so angry at mom and Jellybean is scared and I just needed to get away from them. So I took Jellybean and we just kept walking until we found ourselves in front of your house. You saw us and without saying a word, you led us into your backyard. You got Jellybean a popsicle because you saw that she was sad, and then we just sat on your swing set thinking of silly names to call the birds landing in your yard until your mom came home. It made be feel a little better. That was really nice of you and I’ll never forget it.

The Day of the Middle School Dance (Age 13)

I hate participating in school sanctioned-activities. I would rather stick a dozen pins in my eyes and beat them down with a hammer than be seen in a ridiculous suit and tie, parading through the cheaply-decorated school gym like I’m oblivious to the way everyone is looking at me like I’m the scum of the Earth but talk to me anyway because I’m friends with Archie. But anyway, I saw you sitting on the curb outside of the school, looking down at your shoes like there was a piece of gum stuck on the bottom. (But there wasn’t, I remember checking when you lifted your feet off the ground so Reggie wouldn’t run over them with his skateboard). So I sat next to you and asked you why you were sad. You said you didn’t want to talk about it, but I could see you staring at Archie from across the parking lot and I knew you were sad he didn’t ask you to the dance. I knew how badly you wanted to go. So I asked you to come to the dance with me instead. To my surprise you said yes. And we had a good time. And I think that if you wanted me to ask you to another dance, I would do it. Because I think you look really pretty in a dress. (Well, I always think you look pretty). But seeing you in a dress was different somehow. It made my heart beat really fast. And I think I liked how that felt.

The Day of Our First Kiss (Age 16)

Something has changed between us. Something I could never put into words. Something that, if I even tried to say it out loud, I would never be able to explain it in a way that would do it justice. So I climbed into your bedroom to see if you were alright after visiting Polly and I wanted to make you feel like everything was going to be okay. I wanted you to know that things had changed and you could count on me to be there for you. So I kissed you. And it was like a weight being lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe again. It felt so natural. It felt like I was meant to kiss you like that everyday for the rest of forever. And who knows, maybe I will. Although, let’s face it - we both know I’m not lucky enough to deserve that - to deserve you. I never have been.

The Day I Told You I Loved You (Age 17)

Today was the best and worst day of my life. My father’s funeral felt like it lasted an entire lifetime. It was cold and wet and gave every indication that it was recreated from a scene straight out of a Poe novel. But you were right by my side the entire time and it made it (almost) bearable to be standing there watching him get lowered into the ground. You held me when I cried. You pulled me away when I let my anger get the better of me and punched my hand through the stained glass window of the church. And when you were wrapping the bandage around my wound I felt this voice screaming at me - you have to tell her. You have to tell her before it’s too late because too late might be tomorrow and life is just too short to waste any moments. So I told you. I told you and you smiled and you said it back. And I cried again because I didn’t think anyone could ever love me like that. But you do. And I know I don’t deserve it, but I will never take it for granted.

The Day You Left Riverdale (Age 19)

I should hate you. I should be glad you’re gone and hope you never step foot on this godforsaken town’s soil ever again. I should want to wish the worst for you and hope you never succeed in anything you do. But I’m not the person I would have been if I had never met you. You changed me. So I can’t hate you. I’m too in love with you to hate you. And it kills me to write this so bluntly, but there’s no other way to put it - This sucks. And it’s you’re fault.

The Day You Came Back (Age 23)

The moment you stepped into my office, I knew I had to be having one of those hallucinations one gets when they’re stuck in the desert for days without food or water. You couldn’t be real. You couldn’t be walking towards me with your hair pulled back and your face even more beautiful than I remembered. But there you were. You were you. And I was me. And I had so much to say. So much you needed to know. But instead, I took a step towards you, and you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I realized that I couldn’t stand another second of not touching you. So I took your face in my hands and I kissed you and suddenly we didn’t need words. We just needed each other. And that was enough.

Betty wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to the next page. “Flip to the last page and close your eyes,” the words read, causing Betty’s head to swim with so many thoughts and emotions she couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

Doing as the journal instructed, she skipped to the very last page and shut her eyes before she could read what was written. She could hear faint footsteps coming towards her and her palms began to sweat as she clutched the journal with both hands.

“Open your eyes and look at the journal.” Jughead’s voice made her heart skip a beat as she slowly did as she was told and lifted the book to read the title of the last journal entry.

The Day I asked You To Marry Me (Age 25)

…To Be Continued

Betty’s heart stopped as she dropped the journal onto the floor and looked down to see the boy she had loved for so many years, kneeling before her with a velvet ring box in his hand.

“Bets, there are a thousand eloquent speeches I could have written to express how much you mean to me, but I don’t think we need the fancy words or heartfelt soliloquies anymore,” Jughead began, his hand shaking ever so slightly as he held the box out in front of him for her to see. “I think that all I need to say to you is this. I’ve been in love with you since the very first entry in that journal. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but I think the fact that I felt the need to start it in the first place is proof enough. You’re my world, Betty Cooper, and I want to be able to fill a hundred more journals just like this one with every memory that we share together for the rest of time. Will you marry me?”

In that moment, every memory she had of Jughead flashed across her mind just like the pages in his journal. The boy who loved playing with her ponytail, the boy who needed a swing to swing on and a friend to watch birds with when he was feeling sad, the boy who could tell when she was sad and needed someone to go to the dance with, the boy who lit up her world like twinkle lights and decorative candles illuminating Pop’s. She had spent most of her life with this boy - this man - kneeling in front of her and she wanted to spend everyday that came next, right by his side.

Without a word, Betty took the journal from his hands and lunged for the pen on the counter, her hand shaking as she wrote furiously in the journal. Jughead’s throat closed up as he watched in anticipation, waiting for the girl he loved to answer the most important question he had ever asked in his entire life. Betty turned the journal so he could read it and he stood from his kneeling position to scoop her up into his arms, tossing the journal onto the floor so that it slid across the tile and revealed Betty’s words to the empty diner.

She said yes.

[ecotone99]

[RF] Across Dreams

Hello everyone, I have been exploring writing from quite some time, This particular piece was a long pending one to compile. I pulled out my dream journal, took the details and built a readable story around it. The entire story is my personal experience and experiments towards exploring dreams.

I would be really happy to know your thoughts.

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CHAPTER 1 — CHILDHOOD

I remember a dream, should I call it a nightmare? obviously, it wasn’t my first dream, but the first dream that I remember. It was a horrible one, I was just 4 years old, I was in my school classroom, all alone, the teacher closed the main door and left for the day, without noticing that I was in my classroom while she left, she could have just peeked into all the classrooms before she closed the main door, but she didn’t.

I walked towards the main door, shouted, banged it, but none of those mattered as the school was quite away from the crowd. Unfortunately, it was a time when security guards were unnecessary for a kindergarten after the school is closed. I came back to my classroom, I sat in a backbench, I didn’t empty my afternoon lunchbox that day, so I was lucky to have dinner. While I was reading what written on the blackboard, things went darker, the lights got dimmer, the desks in front of me were vanishing one by one, and a scary image appears out of nowhere in the blackboard, giving me an evil grim, it started to gravitate me towards it as if the whole world lost its gravity and took its side.

I held my bench tighter as if my life depends on it, obviously it did at this moment. The image was still there when all my front benches vanished, I was slowly pulled towards it. In an inch near to its face, I woke up in my bedroom, relaxed, relieved that I am now safe at home, but only to realize that I was paralyzed, my voice box was paralyzed as well. Somehow I tried to make a muffled scream, but It felt like I lost my voice for life. When all these were already scarring a 4-year-old kid’s life, there stood a dark figure in the corner of my room, that’s when I burst into a scream, waking my parents, and neighbors.

I wondered what was all these experiences, why would a child want to experience all these? after so many years, it’s the only dream that I couldn’t forget or that I couldn’t understand.

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CHAPTER 2 — IN MY TEENS

Girls, dreaming of girls in every dream, what else would a teenager do? Study books?

Youth comes but once in a lifetime — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Having a lot of dreams, I don’t remember any of them much as they were all kind of cliché, meet a girl, talk to her and kiss on her cheek or she does the kissing part in some dreams. All those beautiful identical dreams. But with a slightly different plot on each one those dreams, as if someone wrote a dream screenplay for me for every night. Every single one of those dreams gave a good day after waking up in the morning.

One day, or should I call it, one fine night? The same plot of meeting someone in my dream was going on, but it looks like the director was a bit of a horror fan this time. He pulled me out from the currently running dream and threw me into my room, I haven’t opened my eyes yet. But, I can sense that I am in my room, but I couldn’t feel my bed, pillow or my blanket. But, I was feeling light as air, felt as if I was floating in my room. I am still hesitant to open my eyes due to my childhood episode. The fear surrounded me, I somehow gathered some courage that I am currently an adult, so I am ready to face anything, even if that evil grimmer comes in front of me, I can punch on its face.

With gained teenage courage, I slowly started to open my eyes, I couldn’t understand the thing that is in front of me at the beginning, it was blur and fast-moving, I tried to calm down and observed it again, tried to see what is that blurry fast-moving thing in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe my eyes that I am seeing my bedroom fan just a few inches away. For a moment, I thought the fan is falling on my face, but it still didn’t, while it should have hit my face already. I now clearly saw the fan is still intact to the ceiling. I slowly turned my face backward to see myself lying in the bed. I woke up immediately with a burst of scream with all of that teenage courage gone.

It took me 3 whole nights to get a good night's sleep, Until then the 17-year-old kid was in the arms of his mom like a 4-year-old child.

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CHAPTER 3 — POSSIBLE DOORS

Raised in a religious family, praying and singing Hymns to the unseen Gods daily in the morning without missing a single day along with studies in science. I wondered every single day, what if Gods were just astronauts from another alien planet. When they reached Earth, the possibility that they might have helped humans to kickstart the civilization with their teachings of science and tech which are unknown to us even now.

These were the days I opened and entered all the possible doors of all the multiverse in the whole existence while I was still haunted with two of the most significant non-meaningful dreams, trying to find it’s meaning. I wasn’t entirely sure if I have to agree with Freud’s view, that all dreams are forms of “wish fulfillment”, while I still couldn’t understand what kind of wish the 4-year-old boy had with the blackboard evil grimmer to fulfill.

I then explored into Jung’s view that dreams need not be interpreted to perform their function, he suggested that dreams are just doing their work integrating our conscious and unconscious lives. I didn’t even understand what he meant back then. I questioned myself whether I am living two lives, one that is my waking life and another while sleeping?

One that even said, I had an out of body experience, although it felt real, I was still doubtful about accepting this kind of idea. I duly noted in my notebook that “This can also be a possible thing, but yet to explore more about it”.

While reaching all the doors, opening and seeing through it, none of them gave me the confidence to explore by entering into the room. The search still continued.

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CHAPTER 4 — MEETING DEAD PEOPLE

It was a new college year, acquired a new privilege. The privilege of being a senior is to see the junior girls joining the college while being lifeless with seeing the same classmates face again one hundred times.

Somehow acquainted with a couple of girls, in a just few days, we were all so close that even if I don’t meet my classmates, we used to gather and chat a lot about random things, missing classes along with the cherry blossoms. Typical college kids. Exchanged our numbers, no time for anything else except chat and talk. In a week, we were all so close that we exchanged a lot of personal matters. It was all good until the day when there were no Sakura’s in the tree or the road, the day when those two lovely people lost their lives in an accident. The one didn’t leave the other’s hand even at that moment.

The first death experience, the experience of losing loved ones, when the pain was still haunting me daily against the question of life’s existence and the purpose of death. I opened my classroom door and stepped outside to meet those two young ladies again, happily laughing and walking towards me in the same college corridor, but only that they did not recognize me at all, as if they have never known me or never even met me. I ran behind them and stood in front with blush and happiness that they are alive and alright, but they instead looked at me like a rogue. Again, the usual, I woke up wondering what did I just experience and why it’s always me who gets these confusing dreams.

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CHAPTER 5 —EVIL GRIMMER — PART 2

By this time, I accepted the spiritual principles who talk about past lives, the afterlife, souls, karma and quantum mechanics which gave infinite possible universes for each decision that we take in our life on each step. The idea that consciousness can exist across universes. The idea that the universes that continue to exist with those other decisions that I didn’t take. The universe where the rogue didn’t meet those two ladies. But instead, I took the front seat controls of a man from the other universe because of the excitement of seeing them alive, hijacking the body of an innocent.

I crossed my legs to half lotus pose, closed my eyes to meditate, I sensed that I am floating, only to the relief that I know I am meditating and that floating while meditation is possible to experience. But opening my eyes to see I was really floating, panicking, woke up in my bed. I was all asleep all these times. I was a bit dizzy because of suddenly waking up due to panic. It was 4:02 AM when I checked the wall clock, but the clock was making some funny movements, I ignored it as I knew I was dizzy. I got out of my bed, went to the living room, greeted my dad who woke up so early today, sitting and watching TV silently with a cup of coffee. It is very rare that my dad and I wake up this early.

I walked past the kitchen, noticing a strange noise in the dark, entering in, I see the same evil grimmer laughing at me, but this time taking a form of an LPG cylinder, I realized that this might be an indication that there’s a gas leak, I tried to check if the knobs were closed correctly, but failed to understand the meaning once again, I shouted dad and woke up in my bed.

While, I am already haunted by the idea of dreams, nightmares, out of body experiences, here comes another couple more things “meditating inside a dream” and a “dream within a dream”. I added these items to my bucket list of later explorations.

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CHAPTER 6 — PRECOGNITION

When the undergraduate exam madness was already driving me crazy, and with my dream and conscious exploration program getting crazier than ever, life’s becoming harder to comprehend. It's more than what a 20-year-old young adult can take in his life.

After all the stress, having a deep sleep is really a boon. Suddenly woke up wide awake with an urge to get out of bed. The wall clock said 4:02 AM, continued to greet my dad who was watching TV in the living room with his cup of morning coffee. Suddenly remembered the evil grimmer dream which I had a day before while I was crossing by the kitchen, heard a very subtle hissing sound, I was awed that my ears can pick up a sound so subtle while my parent shouting near to my ears to pick up the ringing phones next to me while watching the TV program.

Entered the kitchen in dark, a usual reflex to switch on the lights, but common sense stopped the event of a burning house by a spark. I understood the meaning behind the evil grimmer taking the form of an LPG cylinder. Did follow the rest of the reflexes of checking the knobs to know that they are fine, but found that the leak is from the evil grimmer this time, I shouted dad and we both took the cylinder, kept the leaking cylinder outside.

After all the event, I wondered how a simple dream that I got just a day before, happened in my reality in an exact sequence and with the exact details that happened which ultimately saved my house from burning. These are called precognitive dreams.

I wonder how many experiences like this people might have all the time with no knowledge of it afterward or without the knowledge that it had any significance.

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CHAPTER 7 — DOORS AND MIRRORS

The infinite door of the possible universe unfolds in front of my eyes. I opened the door, walked in, trying to recognize myself in the mirror in front of me, looked little different than my normal appearance, A bit better, I would say. I had this feeling in the back of my head, the feeling that it is me, but I can sense a totally different personality here. Turning back to see the room that I came from, realized that it was not my room, the house looks totally different too. But again, a feeling that the room is mine.

I had this other personality forcing me to put me out of his mind with rage, the personality in back my head went mad looking at the mirror, took a chair and threw at the mirror. The personality in the back of my head was confused in a rage with sadness that it doesn’t have much control over the situation. I somehow managed to suppress those thoughts. I just used my fingers to cut that specific cord to detach that personality from my brain.

I happened to open another door after all these, just after opening a door, there was a mirror in front of me again, as if I was in a loop or something. This time, it was a beautiful feeling, the feeling of bliss, a feeling of some kind of achievement. Again, I can see there’s another personality trying to hijack my true self. This personality looked really happy for some reason. I managed to see those cords running in front of me and cut them out again. I was filled with relief.

I heard a doorbell, I double-checked that I am not imagining things, the doorbell rang again. I went near the door, asked “Who’s this?”, but with no reply. I opened the door, went out to see a mirror again, but this time turned to the sides to see the infinite doors on both sides of the corridor. I imagined, what if I opened each one of those doors? will I find a different personality of myself? do I have to hijack another personality’s body again?

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I imagined what if I could walk in the corridor of infinite doors silently, like an observer. Seeing those engravings on those doors, It might not look like the language that I read in my reality, but I will have the ability to comprehend the meaning behind those. What if I find a door which said: “The evil grimmer, part — 1”. What if I opened the door to see my younger self sitting on the backbench and what if I become a voice in the back of his head, the personality of fear and the hopelessness riding in the front seat.

Would I wake up in my childhood bed, helpless, voice choked, body paralyzed and see those shadow being standing in the corner?

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I have compiled my life experiences as a short story, with no extra additions, keeping the details intact, added words to make it readable. All the details are true with a journal that I have been maintaining for years.

I am still exploring the possibilities of different realms, what it’s like to be in a body of yourself but in a different universe with a different version of yourself. Exploring the possibilities to jump across the universe, if at all those things are possible.

That being said, I end this short story with my favorite quote by a wise man.

Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think. - Werner Heisenberg

submitted by /u/oldspacesoul [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2JYJgXe

[fem-mem-mine]

Every year, I wake up on March 8 to a flurry of tweets from men wishing me a “Happy International Women’s Day!”

And every year, I find myself thinking: Well, thanks, but is that it? Is that all the support for gender equality that you can muster? For the entire year? It’s a nice sentiment, but at a time when the gender pay gap means that women in the UK work for free for 67 days each year, Black women in the US are three to four times more likely to die in childbirth than white women, and trans women in the US are four times more likely to be murdered than cis women, it doesn’t quite do it for me.

So, to ensure that men aren’t missing direction, a few years ago I started compiling a list of easy actions that men can take to meaningfully support gender equality. Every year, I would post it on social media. Slowly, other women started contributing suggestions. So the list grew. And grew. It will likely never stop growing.

The suggestions cover many realms of life—from home, to work, to the ways we interact with strangers, to the language we use—but it is in no way comprehensive. Below, I’ve included a mere 100 entries out of the several hundred I’ve crowdsourced and personally compiled.

To the men reading: You may already do some of these things, and others you may not be in the position to do. But a good place to start is by, at the very least, reading the list through—in its entirety. And remember: These apply all year, not just during the annual 24 hours dedicated to half of the planet’s population.

1. Before explaining something to a woman, ask yourself if she might already understand. She may know more about it than you do.

2. Related: Never, ever try to explain feminism to a woman.

3. Trans women are women. Repeat that until you perish.

4. RESPECT PEOPLE’S PRONOUNS. It’s not hard.

5. Remember that fat women exist and aren’t all trying to get thin. Treat them with respect.

6. In fact, just never comment on a woman's body.

7. Be kind to women in customer service positions. Tip them extra. (But not in a creepy way.)

8. Trust women. When they teach you something, don't feel the need to go and check for yourself. And especially do not Google it in front of them.

9. Don’t maintain a double standard for… anything, ever.

10. CLOSE YOUR LEGS ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, OH MY GOD.

11. Trying to describe a woman positively? Say she's “talented,” “clever,” or “funny.” Not “gorgeous,” “sweet,” or “cute.”

12. Examine your language when talking about women. Get rid of “irrational,” “dramatic,” “bossy,” and “badgering” immediately.

13. Don't think to yourself, I describe men like that too. A) You probably don't. B) If you do, it's to criticize them for acting like a woman.

14. Do you love “fiery” Latina women? “Strong” Black women? “Mysterious” Asian women? Stop. Pick up a book on decolonial feminism. Read.

15. Stop calling women “feisty.” We don't need a special lady word for “has an opinion."

16. Recognize women's credibility when you introduce them. “Donna is lovely” is much less useful than “Donna knows shitloads about architecture.”

17. Think about how you describe the young women in your family. Celebrate them for being funny and smart, not for being pretty and compliant.

18. Examine the way you talk about women you’re attracted to. Fat women, old women, queer, trans, and powerful women are not your “guilty crush.”

19. Learn to praise a woman without demonizing other women. “You're not like other girls” is not a compliment. I want to be like other girls. Other girls are awesome.

20. Share writing by women. Don't paraphrase their work in your own Facebook post to show us all how smart or woke you are. I guarantee the woman said it better in the first place.

21. Buy sanitary pads and tampons and donate them to a homeless shelter. Just do it.

22. How much of what you are watching/reading/listening to was made by women? Gender balance your bookcase.

23. Feeling proud of your balanced bookcase? Are there women of color there? Trans, queer, and disabled women? Poor women? Always make sure you’re being intersectional.

24. Don't buy media that demeans women’s experiences, valorizes violence against women, or excludes them entirely from a cast. It's not enough to oppose those things. You have to actively make them unmarketable.

25. Pay attention to stories with nuanced female characters. It will be interesting, I promise.

26. If you read stories to a child, swap the genders.

27. Watch women's sport. And just call it “sports.”

28. Withdraw your support from sports clubs, institutions, and companies that protect and employ rapists and abusers.

29. Stop raving about Woody Allen. I don't care if he shits gold. Find a non-accused-abuser to fanboy over.

30. It's General Leia, not princess. The Doctor has a companion, not an assistant. It's Doctor Bartlett, not Mrs Madame First Lady.

31. Cast women in parts written for men. We know how to rule kingdoms, go to war, be, not be, and wait for Godot.

32. Pay for porn.

33. Recognize that sex work is work. Be an advocate for and ally to sex workers without speaking for them.

34. Share political hot takes from women as well as men. They might not be as widely accessible, so look for them.

35. Understand that it was never “about ethics in journalism.”

36. Speak less in meetings today to make space for your women colleagues to share their thoughts. If you're leading the meeting, make sure women are being heard as much as men.

37. If a woman makes a good point, say, “That was a good point.” Don't repeat her point and take credit for it.

38. Promote women. Their leadership styles may be different than yours. That's probably a good thing.

39. Recruit women on the same salary as men. Even if they don't ask for it.

40. Open doors for women with caring responsibilities by offering flexible employment contracts.

41. If you meet a man and a woman at work, do not assume the man is the superior for literally no reason.

42. If you're wrongly assumed to be more experienced than a woman colleague, correct that person and pass the platform to the woman who knows more.

43. Make a round of tea for the office.

44. Wash it up.

45. If you find you're only interviewing men for a role, rewrite the job listing so that it’s more welcoming to women.

46. Make sure you have women on your interview panel.

47. Tell female colleagues what your salary is.

48. Make sure there's childcare at your events.

49. Don't schedule breakfast meetings during the school run.

50. If you manage a team, make sure that your employees know that you recognize period pain and cystitis as legitimate reasons for a sick day.

51. If you have a strict boss (or mom or teacher) who is a woman, she is not a “bitch.” Grow up.

52. Expect a woman to do the stuff that's in her job description. Not the other miscellaneous shit you don't know how to do yourself.

53. Refuse to speak on an all-male panel.

54. In a Q&A session, only put your hand up if you have A QUESTION. Others didn’t attend to listen to you.

55. If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against trans or non-binary people, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for cis women, too.)

56. If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against women of other races, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for white women, too.)

57. If you see women with their hands up, put yours down. This can be taken as a metaphor for a lot of things. Think about it.

58. Raising a feminist daughter means she's going to disagree with you. And probably be right. Feel proud, not threatened.

59. Teach your sons to listen to girls, give them space, believe them, and elevate them.

60. Dads, buy your daughter tampons, make her hot water bottles, wash her bras. Show her that her body isn't something to be ashamed of.

61. But dads, do not try to iron her bras. This is a mistake you will only make once.

62. Examine how domestic labor is divided in your home. Who does the cleaning, the childcare, the organizing, the meal budgeting? Sons, this goes for you, too.

63. Learn how to do domestic tasks to a high standard. “I'd only do it wrong” is a bullshit excuse.

64. Never again comment on how long it takes a woman to get ready. WE ARE TRYING TO MEET THE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS OF A SYSTEM YOU BENEFIT FROM.

65. Challenge the patriarchs in your religious group when they enable the oppression of women.

66. Challenge the patriarchs in your secular movement when they enable the oppression of women.

67. Trust women's religious choices. Don't pretend to liberate them just so you can criticise their beliefs.

68. Examine who books your trips, arranges outings, organizes Christmas, buys birthday cards. Is it a woman? IS IT?

69. And if it is actually you, a man, don't even dare get in touch with me looking for your medal.

70. Take stock of the emotional labor you expect from women. Do you turn to the women around you for emotional support and give nothing in return?

71. Remember that loving your mom/sister/girlfriend is not the same as giving up your own privilege to progress equality for women. And that gender inequality extends beyond the women in your direct social group.

72. Don’t assume that all women are attracted to men.

73. Don’t assume that a woman in public wants to talk to you just because she’s in public.

74. If a woman tells you she was raped, assaulted, or abused, don't ask her for proof. Ask how you can support her.

75. If you see a friend or colleague being inappropriate to a woman, call him out. You will survive the awkwardness, I promise.

76. Repeat after me: Always. Hold. Men. Accountable. For. Their. Actions.

77. Do not walk too close to a woman late at night. That shit can be scary.

78. If you see a woman being followed or otherwise bothered by a stranger, stick around to make sure she’s safe.

79. This should go without saying: Do not yell unsolicited “compliments” at women on the street. Or anywhere.

80. If you are a queer man, recognize that your sexuality doesn’t exclude you from potential misogyny.

81. If you are a queer man, recognize that your queer women or non-binary friends may not feel comfortable in a male-dominated space, even if it’s dominated by queer men.

82. Be happy to have women friends without needing them to want to sleep with you. The “friend zone” is not a thing. We do not owe you sex.

83. Remember that you can lack consent in situations not involving sex—such as when pursuing uninterested women or forcing a hug on a colleague.

84. Champion sex positive women but don't expect them to have sex with you.

85. Trust a woman to know her own body. If she says she won't enjoy part of your sexual repertoire, do not try to convince her otherwise.

86. Be sensitive to nonverbal cues from women, especially around sex. We’re not just being awkward for no reason. (You read “Cat Person,” didn’t you?)

87. It is not cute to try to persuade a woman to have sex with you. EVER. AT ALL. Go home.

88. Same goes for pressuring women to have sex without a condom. Go. Home. And masturbate.

89. Accidentally impregnated a women who doesn't want a kid? Abortions cost money. Pay for half of it.

90. Accidentally came inside a woman without protection? Plan B is expensive. Pay for all of it.

91. Get STD tested. Regularly. Without having to be asked.

92. Examine your opinion on abortion. Then put it in a box. Because, honestly, it's completely irrelevant.

93. Understand that disabled women are whole, sexual human beings. Listen to and respect them.

94. Understand that not all women have periods or vaginas.

95. Believe women's pain. Periods hurt. Endometriosis is real. Polycystic ovaries, vaginal pain, cystitis. These things are real. Hysteria isn’t.

96. If a woman accidentally bleeds on you, try your absolute best to just keep your shit together.

97. Lobby your elected officials to implement high quality sex education in schools.

98. Uplift young Black and Indigenous girls at every possible opportunity. No excuses.

99. Do not ever assume you know what it’s like.

100. Mainly, just listen to women. Listen to us and believe us. It’s the only place to start if you actually want all women to have a “Happy International Women’s Day.”

[dashfire2-blog]

My London Semester Journal I: Tuesday, January 16, 1996

Tuesday, 1-16-96 8:06 PM London 2:06 PM E-Town

Didn’t get to writing in here yesterday… In the morning I had a very interesting International Business class. After class I went to the Birkbeck library & browsed & wandered… I realized through discussion w/ Nathan & Andrew (the somewhat clueless, somewhat cool Welsh guys Lori & I met Fri. at the club) this weekend that, outside of school, I read very little. The Oscar Wilde play “An Ideal Husband” inspired me to read one of his works, bu then I passed some Elizabeth Barrett Browning books of poetry & was drawn in… I ended up taking out 2 compilations of her letters & 1 of her books of poetry. I really enjoy reading the letters.

Then, in the afternoon, I caught up on some of my correspondence & then went grocery shopping at “Sainsbury’s.” Things have been kinda awkward between Lori & I since Sunday’s long day w/ Nathan & Andrew… We are relating better, but our friendship lost something. I personally don’t desire to spend as much time socially w/ her. But this may pass. I guess I really didn’t know her as I thought I did… I realize this now & take it as a lesson. I tend to attach myself to people — new friends quickly in situations such as this. I know this is common.

Last night for study break I went w/ Adam, Paul, & Erica to the “Churchill Arms” pub for a beer. I enjoy their company. Adam is a pretty funny guy & really likes attention. Paul is less outgoing, but is a real genuine guy, and is funny in his own way. Erica often seems older to me than 20. She is fun to hang out w/ & talk to.

Today I had my Modern British Society class which wasn’t extremely exciting… But I was able to finally log on to a computer and do e-mail! Telnet isn’t working, but knowing when I check tomorrow morning I could have mail is exciting! I wrote Mom & Dad, Meg, Gwen, Deborah, & Cheryl. But I misaddressed Deb’s, so I’ll have to write again tomorrow.

After class Jill & I went to daily mass at Newman House. It was nice & I really enjoyed Fr. Tim’s sermon on the readings. The 1st reading talked about how God looks at us differently than others do. “People look at our appearances. God looks at our hearts.”

He (Fr. Tim) encouraged us to do 2 things: 1) Recognize that God sees us for who we are & loves us unconditionally. 2) To try to see other people as God does, not to judge them till you know them…

There is a guy from U of I at Birkbeck named Dave Heron who I talked with today. He attends 4:30 PM mass at St. John’s often & we talked about churches here. I was pleasantly surprised to learn of his faith. 

A guy named Matthew, that I sat next to on the plane from Chicago, asked me to go on a day trip to Oxford w/ him this weekend. I would like to go, but I am not sure if I would like to go this weekend or with him. He is a nice guy, but I just ate dinner w/ Adam & Paul who say he can talk your ear off & might take away from the experience.

Molly, the GR, just stopped by to see how everything was going. We got to talking & I asked how she & Will, the other GR here at Pembridge, met. She said in 7th grade, but they didn’t date till after their Sr. yr. in college. Reminds me a bit of the Ray & Margie story… Not that I won’t find “that special someone” in due time… But, stories like that give me even more hope! I suppose I am no hurry though… & on that note the words to a great Blues Traveler song called “Just Wait.” ☺︎

JUST WAIT by Blues Traveler

If ever you are feeling like you’re tired And all your uphill struggles leave you headed down hill If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you And your appetite for pain has drinken it’s fill.

I ask of you a very simple question Did you think for one minute that you are alone And your suffering a privilege you share only Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

If you think I’ve given up on you you’re crazy And if you think I don’t love you well then you’re just wrong In time you just might take to feeling better Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud I say this without fear of hesitation I can honestly tell you that you make me proud.

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle And your appetite for pain might all but be gone.

I hope for you and cannot stop that hoping Until that smile has once again returned to your face There’s no such things as a failure who keeps trying Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note from Present Day Kathy: It’s interesting what vivid memories our brains hold onto, for whatever reasons. I can still picture walking through the stacks of books in the library that day and zeroing in on Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s letters and poetry. I read now, as an adult, more than I have ever in my life, mostly via listening to books on Audible, while I get things done around the house (such as laundry). I recall back then feeling pressure to read things for school, which was always more of a struggle for me vs. getting to read for pleasure. It’s that difference between the things we have to do vs. what we choose to do that continues to challenge me, even at 43, and I know so many others.

I also appreciate my commentary on how our relationships, especially friendships, grow and evolve, even through difficult times. Spoiler alert: my roommate and I ended up working through the tension we felt then and continued to become closer throughout our time abroad together.

I mentioned the Churchill Arms pub again in this entry and after my last post I looked it up online, to see if it still exists. I was excited to find that out it does! I definitely want to get there if and when I return to London someday, our family is still aiming for late Summer 2020.

I find it funny to read my descriptions of my experiences with email, especially knowing in it was in its early days/years of use. I had to Google what “telnet” meant, as I didn’t recall. Apparently it’s “a network protocol that allows a user on one computer to log onto another computer that is part of the same network,” which certainly makes sense/sounds familiar.

I continue to get a kick out of how I was navigating looking for “that special someone,” which was definitely a theme for me throughout my college years. I didn’t go to U of I to get my Mrs. by any means, but I was hoping to find love and someone to spend my life/build a family with eventually.

I am pretty sure I transcribed the lyrics to Just Wait by Blues Traveler by listening to the song from a mix tape on my Walkman, as there were a lot of scratches out and re-writes, a few mistakes (I had “your eyes no longer seem a struggle” instead of “your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle” and “I hope for you and cannot stop that heartbreak” instead of “I hope for you and cannot stop that hoping”), and even some blank spaces where I must not have been able to tell what they were singing. Things have really changed, when it comes to stuff like that. Now we can just Google song lyrics anytime we are curious!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reminder: Unless I’ve been given permission to use people’s actual names, in most cases I’ve removed or replaced the names of the real people who were part of my journey/experience there, in effort to protect and respect their identities/privacy in my London Semester Journal entries. I will also not share details that I think and feel are too personal for anyone I interacted with, my loved ones, and me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s the back story of My London Semester Journals from 1996, including what prompted me to revisit and decide to share them here in 2018. And here’s a list a list of the entries, which I will update as I share them.

  Source: http://bereavedandblessed.com/2018/10/my-london-semester-journal-i-tuesday-january-16-1996/

[paulpowder2-blog]

hCGChica’s hCG Diet Journal – Round 5 – Final round

Read/Watch my own hCG Diet Journey As It Unfolded:

September 23, 2012

I considered loading for 3 days since I’m a “smaller” person now, but after 2 days I felt I loaded extremely well- I consumed 4000 calories and 300 grams of fat EACH loading day. I think that’s sufficient. My stomach and intestines seemed to let me know that anyway, so I called it good.

My net loading gain for Round 5 of HCG Injections was a 1.6lb gain. I gained 2.2 lbs after the first loading day, and lost .6lbs the following day. Here are my stats for the 2 days (compiled into 1 list) of what I ate and their nutritional values. The total breakdown for both days combined was 7938 calories over the course of the two days, 600 grams of fat, 452 grams protein, 168 grams carbs.

HCG DOSAGE FOR THIS ROUND

I am injecting 125iu’s this round and this dose seems to work best for me in general these days. I feel very not hungry on 125ius.

NO EXERCISE (FOR ME) WHILE ON THE HCG DIET AND WHY

I have seen a lot of people manage to exercise while on the weight loss protocol with no problems or side-effects. If you are an average healthy person, just overweight (ie. You don’t have any obvious autoimmune, thyroid or other chronic illness problems) when you embark on the protocol, and you have already been pursuing an exercise protocol prior to starting the protocol, you very likely may be able to continue that exercise while on this diet plan.

I don’t fit into that “average healthy person” category- even though I’m actually very healthy- I’m not average. I have a couple of autoimmune conditions- hashimoto’s for one (where your body attacks your thyroid) and while I have gotten the point where most of my conditions are non-existent in that they don’t give me symptoms, I still seem to find that I simply cannot tolerate exercise while on the diet- it just appears to be too much for my delicate system- to lose so much fat AND exercise at the same time appears to be too much “stress” for my body to handle.

When I personally try to exercise while on the diet plan, I find myself having enormous uncontrollable cravings to eat, the diet feels mentally and emotionally very difficult, and I’m extremely exhausted. All things I simply can’t handle on the protocol if I want to be successful on it! So I forego exercise while on Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, even though I’m an avid Crossfitter (check out this video to see what Crossfit is all about- it’s THE best training program I’ve ever seen and my own results prove it!) in normal day to day life. Taking a simple 3 or 6 week break is worth it to me to lose several pounds of fat (Round 5 I lost 10 lbs of fat!) that I can’t otherwise lose in regular life.

My pre-hcg diet:- 7-10 days before starting the hCG Diet protocol

I’ve done this before and it’s worked well for me to break sugar cravings and to get into Ketosis right away. I take about 7-10 days before loading for the diet, and I eat very low carb, high fat diet. No fruit, no grain, no starchy veggies, no sugars at all. I keep the fats very high- this creates a feeling of satiety and makes the switch over from a diet higher in sugars and carbs much easier, for me at least.

I am very sensitive to sugar and before Round 5, I found myself feeling a little out of control with my eating habits for about a week while we were moving and things in life were a bit stressful. Doing the pre-hcg “diet” cuts the sugar/carb cravings almost immediately and really gets my body and my mind in the right place for starting the weight loss protocol in the best possible way.

September 24, 2012

2 lb loss for my first vlcd day. That puts me at 132.2 this day. Body fat monitor showed a drop in 1 lb of fat. There is always some water weight loss at the beginning of any diet- you can’t expect all fat loss right from the beginning, so I’m ecstatic for the 1 lb fat loss.

I think I fat loaded well enough because I haven’t experienced almost any hunger on the first vlcd day of the diet which is great because even though on the majority of the weight loss protocol one should experience almost no hunger if they are on the right dose of the hormone, the first few days of being on the very low calorie portion of the diet DOES often include feeling some hunger that is a little hard to deal with as your body adjusts to the new diet and the hormone circulating in your system.

While I wasn’t hungry this first day, once I again I did experience a small bout of low blood sugar in the later part of the afternoon- for me that’s anything under 80 on a blood glucose meter, and I was at 75 when I tested it about 5:30pm. This often occurs for me during the first few vlcd’s because I don’t eat the fruits on p2 and I never include the grissini/melba, which makes the diet extremely low carb- thus getting low blood sugar is more likely at the beginning. The low blood sugar always does go away on it’s own however after the first few days, despite the fact that I continue to not eat the fruits and grissini/melba.  If you decide to try this please do be careful- if you are prone to low blood sugar I would full research trying this first as I’m not sure just anyone could do this and feel well.

To fix my low blood sugar I ate a chopped cucumber salad and yogurt with salt and that brought my blood sugar up to a normal level for me which is about 90 on a blood glucose meter.  Nice that I didn’t have to eat a spoonful of sugar huh!

As usual, I was ketosis right away after the first vlcd day- I am always able to achieve this when I eat low carb for about 7-10 days prior to starting Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, then load clean aka low carb. I like the idea of getting the most accomplished as possible when I’m on HCG Injections round and I feel by clearing excess carbs out of my system in advance, my body is able to get into fat burning mode more quickly since there are very few carbs to burn first.

September 26, 2012

XNJKHGQWBQHU – A little more about HCGChica- HCG TAG on YouTube

My real name?

My name is Rayzel Lam here on YouTube and the web

RX or Homeopathic HCG?

I have always done prescription hCG and in fact, I’ve used a total of I think 6 different brands of RX hCG now as well- I feel in general like they all worked equally well. The only difference I noticed was that depending on the brand, I might need a slightly higher or lower dose of the hormone to get that “no hunger” effect.

hCG Injection or sublingual HCG?

I have always done injections- the reason is 2 fold- one, I’m cheap and injections are cheaper because you only need the half amount of the hormone as for sublingual, and two, and most importantly, hCG injections ensure 100% delivery of the right amount of hormone to the right place (your fat, not your stomach and gastric juices!) I generally don’t like to take chances with my body when there’s a way to be sure I get the best result.

The first two rounds of HCG Injections I injected the hormone into my stomach, but about the time of Round 3 I found it actually causing me some paint to try to inject in my stomach which causes me to think I either didn’t have enough fat there anymore or possibly I had built up some scar tissue or had some excess skin- whatever the case, starting with Round 3 of the diet I began injecting in other places- outer and inner thigh, buttocks, arm- pretty much wherever I could find a nice meaty patch of fat!

What do I do for a living?

For the most part, I’m a mom. I have a 3 year old son, and a husband I’ve been married to for 12 years and I take my role of caring for my family pretty seriously. I treasure that I can raise my son the majority of the time. That said, I also work part-time on this website and diet “things”- responding to emails and writing quality helpful content on my website and recording YouTube videos to help you guys get the best out of your weight loss journey. It’s changed my life enough that I find a lot of joy in helping you guys get similar results.

What was your most interesting job?

I used to teach singing and rhythm classes to children at park and recreation centers in my area. The age ranged from 18 months to 7 years old. I really enjoyed seeing especially the little ones learn basic singing and rhythm- I find little kids in general to be pretty darn cute. The other kind of interesting job I used to have was a painting business that involved faux finishing- things like painting clouds on ceilings and distressed/aged plaster finishes on walls. The part that makes me feel all “cool” and proud of myself is that a couple times I used some 3 tier scaffolding that put me up about 20 feet in the air to reach the top of some taller homes. Scaffolding is not rigid- it has movement to it which feels very scary and unsettling at first, but after a little bit you get used to the movement of it and pretty soon I was swinging up and down and around that thing like a little monkey! I think my painting business was one of the things that contributed to my developing my chronic illness though as I was young and stupid and never took the proper precautions when handling all the different chemicals and fumes involved with painting.

Are you the only one in your family who has struggled with weight?

No- I wish. My mom and her entire side of her paternal family have all dealt with weight struggles. Almost all of them were pretty big people and most of them died from complications of diabetes. I think there’s a genetic component involved as I naturally have a very big appetite for such a little person. I can out eat my 6′ husband any day no problem, and I know my grandfather was quite the eater as well. Thankfully since I’m not aware of how sensitive I am to sugar and avoid it like the plague and have lost so much fat with the diet, I can say with 100% confidence I’m nowhere near being even pre-diabetic anymore. It seems likely to me that many of my ancestors were also very sensitive to sugar which pre-disposed them to all getting diabetes later in life, but of course at that time it was an unknown. I’m very thankful for all the knowledge and research that can now be done with the advent of the internet to discover what to do best for my personal body.

Have you tried any other weightloss program and what were the results?

I have tried WeightWatchers about 3 times. I never experienced much success with this program at all, although I know many have. I don’t think I ever lost more than 5-7 lb with it. It’s sad that I was so misinformed at the time- the 2nd time I tried weight watchers, I wasn’t really “overweight”. I had a few excess pounds I could shed, but was in good shape otherwise. I remember we went backpacking into the wilderness for 9 days. During that time I hiked many many miles up and down steep grades with about 40 lbs or so on my back and of course we didn’t eat a whole lot- just the notorious freeze dried backpacking meals “just add hot water” stuff. When we got back I went into my weight watchers meeting and was dismayed to see I had gained 2 lbs. I got so discouraged I quit after that. If I’d known then what I know now, that wouldn’t have happened. NOW I know that anyone who spends 9 days doing exteme physical activities is going to have some water retention going on, as well as some muscle building. That 2 lb gain was nothing to be ashamed of! At the time I couldn’t figure out how I could possibly do all I did for 9 days and then “gain weight”- what I thought was fat. Thankfully I’ve educated myself enough now to know that when I know I’m doing the right thing for my body- eating clean and working out- I don’t have to worry about a scale change like that- it’s my body doing something good. It’s sad that I wasted so much of my younger years getting discouraged by instances like this that would then cause to give up in some way and start doing real damage to my body like stopping the workouts or eating sugar because “I was fat anyway” or because “I already gained weight and failed, might as well finish it off.” That’s one of the reasons that I touch on the topic of body composition and muscle vs. fat more than lightly on this website. I’m trying to bring an awareness to us women that my mother’s mother didn’t have and thus wasn’t able to pass on to my mother or to me. I still wouldn’t choose to weight watchers again even with my current knowledge, as my personality just doesn’t work well with a daily “counting” of anything like calories or other numbers- it just feels too limiting to have to do that on a daily basis for extensive lengths of time. However, I do feel the meetings that weight watcher groups have and I like to think that the hCG community on YouTube is able to achieve the essence of these “group meetings” to support and help each other stay motivated.

Funniest or Worst Weightloss Program You’ve Ever Tried

This is a weight loss “program” of my own making. One time in order to lose weight for a fast approaching recital that I was dancing in, I walked 8 miles a day, every day, for like a week. I would walk 4 miles in the morning, then come back and walk 4 miles in the evening. It’s possible that I combined that with the master cleanse where you drink just water and lemon with a little maple syrup. Needless to say I got some pretty major shin-splits doing that much of just one activity. I did lose about 6 lbs or so and felt “thin” for the show, but of course it came right back on afterwards. The things that we’ll do to look good in front of people right?

Do you have any chronic health issues, do you believe they are a result of abnormal fat?

I do have chronic health issues- thankfully I can now say that despite still having the autoimmune “condition” known as hashimoto’s thyroiditis, I am now symptom free so I don’t really consider myself chronically ill anymore. However, since about the age of 21 for about 6 or 7 years, I did deal with varying degrees of chronic symptoms without knowing the cause. Some of my symptoms were extreme fatigue, inability to exercise without getting extremely depressed afterwards, not being able to handle even the excitement of family and friends around because it would make my fatigue too profound and debilitating. Originally my illness was not caused by abnormal fat as I wasn’t overweight to start with. I think I have a predisposition to autoimmune disorders and there are few things like the chemicals and fumes I was exposed to without protection in my painting business that may have been a trigger for them. However, as I got sicker, I did start putting on weight and toxins are stored in fat- its very plausible to me that my body getting fatter and storing toxins that I was exposed to like mercury (I had a blood testing showing dangerously high levels of mercury in my body which I had to detox from) increased and made my symptoms worse. Losing all that fat that no doubt had a lot of toxins bound up in it I have no doubt has contributed to better health for me.

Do I have my Vitamin D levels tested/checked?

I have had it checked a few times and it’s always been abnormally low- my last test I think was around 20 or 25. I have supplemented with high dose vitamin D drops in the past. However, the nature of my body is that it’s just very….autoimmune. I have discovered that my body is so sensitive that I cannot take supplements in general without having bad health symptoms. I have to be careful about being in the sun as well- the sun makes my symptoms surface and get worse. So even though I have low Vitamin D levels, I feel much better not supplementing as of now. Perhaps that will change in the future.

What does hCG mean to you, how did you learn about?

This diet plan has changed my life. Originally I learned about it quite by accident while researching the topic of Candida on a health and wellness site. While on the site I happened to notice a forum that with a thread titled something like, “does the hCG diet really work?” or something to that effect. I was curious because I had never heard of that diet before, and of course I was overweight, so naturally I was curious. I started reading and the whole idea was so foreign- I had never heard anything remotely like it which really piqued my curiosity. It sounded too good to be true, but I came across the youtube vlogs of real people doing the diet, showing their actual results that I knew wasn’t some fake, manufactured advertisement. The clincher for me was that I could really tell when looking at the before and after photos of hCG dieters that these individuals were really losing fat because their bodies just looked so well balanced and well formed when they were done. There was none of that skinny on top fat on bottom look. They looked toned and smooth. So I made the jump and the rest is history- size 16/18 to size 2 now. HCG helped me to get in control of other areas of my life as well. While Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) is the not the sole reason that I’ve recovered my health, it’s an important component. For instance, removing gluten from my diet forever was something that has made a difference in my health as well, but I never had the willpower to full remove gluten until I did the hCG diet. Since I didn’t eat the melba/grissini while on p2, I inadvertently ended up being off of gluten for close to the 3 month mark between phase 2 and phase 3, which is the amount of time doctors say you need to remove gluten for in order for your gut lining to heal before reintroducing it to see if you are really allergic to it or not. Losing a lot of weight quickly was motivating enough that as a side benefit I was off gluten long enough to see that I really was allergic to it.

September 28, 2012

After 5 days on the hCG Diet, I’m down 5.6 lbs for Round 5 of HCG Injections. Pretty snazzy! Keep in mind I did have my loading weight to lose, so my net loss so far is about 4 lbs- which is still super snazzy!

HUNGER SCALE AND HCG DOSE

I’ve really been trying to use the hunger scale from Robin Woodall’s Weightloss Apocalypse and I’ve been finding myself not even eating the entire 500 calories most days so far. Which, by the way, is okay, as long as you’re not hungry and you eat your 2 proteins for the day. Dr. Simeons did state in his original protocol for the diet that you may omit anything you wish from the diet on a given day, except for the 2 protein portions which you must always have. I’ve pretty much only been eating 350-400 calories the first portion of this round when I eat based on hunger. Which brings me to being very glad I started my dose at 125iu this time because I really have not been hungry at all pretty much from day of this round of hCG.

FINDING THE RIGHT PLACE FOR AN HCG INJECTION

I’ve been observing that it’s best to find a place to inject that is nice and fatty, wherever this may be, because my belly area has lost a lot of fat so I’ve been searching for other places to inject. My arms actually have quite a bit of “padding” so I injected the hCG in my arm and I found myself having some of the least hunger I’ve had when I did that. Throughout the rest of round 5 I also injected in my inner and outer thigh and my bottom- as long as the place had plenty of fat, my hunger was nil.

INVESTIGATE AND MAKE ADJUSTMENTS WHEN NEEDED

Now that I’m seeing myself lose fat a bit more quickly this round as opposed to last round, it’s helping me come to some more conclusions. Round 4 of the protocol I lost very little weight and it’s the only round that I have experienced this- 7 lbs in 23 days on this diet plan is considered super slow. Now as I see this round go so much faster, I feel perhaps the cause of my slow losses in Round 4 is due to trying to keep exercise in the picture while on the vlcd. Round 4 is the only round that I continued trying to go to crossfit while on this protocol- the first week on the vlcd I went to crossfit 2 days and kind of “gave it my all” in class. Also that first week, I lost about 2 lbs net in the first couple vlcd days and then my weightloss pretty much grinded to a screeching halt entirely for the next 9 days. This is pretty abnormal on the diet. Typically weightloss on the diet is fastest during the first week, while it gradually gets a little less with each passing week (although of course it’s still a lot more weight than one would lose on any other diet!) What I think now is that trying to exercise so intensely while on the protocol was not something my body could handle. My body either needed to be losing fat or building muscle- I was asking too much of my body to focus on both at the same time. I have noticed that some on this protocol have been able to exercise while being on the diet with no problem, and to you guys- great! But if you are anything like me and have any autoimmune disorders or other chronic health issues (like adrenal fatigue or low/hypothyroid), you may want to think twice before lifting that barbell or jogging 5 miles while on Human Chorionic Gonadotropin.

Listen to Your Body On hCG

Even on the diet, as straightforward and strict as the protocol is, it still shouldn’t be viewed as a one size fits all plan.  It really is important to listen to your body when you’re going through this weight loss journey- if I tried to copy what others were doing over and over even though it kept not working for me, I would never get anywhere. Take all the information you find of people’s experiences on the diet, see what seems most similar to how your body would react, and try it. If it doesn’t seem to work well, investigate and adjust.

Below you can see a comparison of how much weight I lost in the first week of the hCG Diet on each of my 5 rounds:

Round 1 of hCG:  lost 8 pounds the 1st week- starting weight 172 pounds, 34.5% bodyfat Round 2 of hCG:  lost 7.8 pounds the 1st week Round 3 of hCG:  lost 8.2 pounds the 1st week Round 4 of hCG:  lost 4.4 pounds the 1st week (this was a weird round where I hardly lost anything) Round 5 of hCG:  lost 5.6 pounds 1st week (this is with starting weight of 134.8 pounds, 23.2% bodyfat) As you can see Round 4’s 1st week of weightloss on the diet was rather pitiful.  I can’t be sure it was the exercise, but it could be one factor.

The point is to keep track of events and numbers throughout your hCG journey so that you can get the best results in the long term.

This time I left the exercise out, even though I missed it dearly, and I lost a lot more fat this time. Now I’m right back Crossfit, swinging those barbells and working on the next phase of building a health new me.

hCG Diet: Avoiding Food Allergies on the hCG Diet- R5P2VLCD6-10 from hcgchica on Vimeo.

October 3, 2012

Update on my 5th round of HCG Injections. As a reminder, I am taking prescription hCG, as i have with every prior round.  I always test my hCG to make sure it’s potent.  This particular round is my first round using ushcginjections hCG, which hCG comes from a compounding pharmacy right here in the United States.  As of VLCD 11, I am down 7.4 lbs in 10 days. I’ve been eating to hunger and thus finding myself eating even less than 500 calories most days- probably more in the 400 calorie range. 125Iu has been my sweet spot dose for no hunger the past 2 rounds. I have great energy and no cravings. So I’m very happy with the way this round has been going. 127.4 this morning. I started my round at 134.2 after loading. I actually lost .6 after my first loading day.

This round has been pretty easy except for this past weekend, which brings me to talking about the importance of pacing yourself while on this diet. If there’s something that you know really tires you out or drains out, it would behoove you to try to avoid that situation. I let myself get into one of those situations over that weekend and found myself so spent and exhausted that the diet felt almost unbearable for a couple days. It’s much better to spare yourself for the short period of time you are on the diet and save stressful/draining situations for after the protocol. I know this isn’t always possible, but whatever you DO have control over, put those types of things off till later.

If it’s too late and you already find yourself feeling horrible on the diet because of getting too tired or something similar, drinking tea with stevia is kind of my fall back to get through it. Drink tea and more tea. And more tea.

Everyone may not be like me, but when I don’t feel well, I find myself really wanting to eat something. Since I can’t do that on the diet, drinking lots of hot tea sweetened with stevia makes things manageable.

There’s something else I’ve done very differently this round. I recently had a comprehensive food allergy test through a company called ALCAT. They test hundreds of foods, spices, dyes, supplements, herbs, etc. Since I have a couple autoimmune conditions (Hashimoto’s is the main one) I really felt that it was appropriate for me to investigate this aspect of addressing my health. I have already been fairly symptom free for some time now when it comes to my Hashimoto’s due to a variety of other things I’ve done. There are a few posts on this here. I have found the testing results to be pretty accurate- there were a number of foods that I was already suspicious of before taking the test and the test confirmed my intolerance to all of these very foods. Of course, there were also a number of foods on the test that I was unaware that I was unaware of having a sensitivity to.

What’s interesting to note regarding my test results and how that has to do with the diet is that I discovered I apparently have an intolerance to many of the foods listed on Dr. Simeon’s original protocol for the diet. Many of the foods. Like literally, most seafood and at least 3/4’s of the vegetable list that Dr. Simeon’s left for us. And as we all know, the list of foods that’s okay to eat on the diet is already strikingly small- am I right or am I right? You can pretty much count the veggie option on 2 hands and the meat choices on 1 hand.

So I had to really think about how I was going to do this round. I already knew that I didn’t want to eat the foods that I’m allergic or intolerant to while on the protocol this time. Allergies = inflammation = less weight loss. I felt that avoiding these allergen foods could cause me to have a better round on Human Chorionic Gonadotropin because of not causing inflammation in my body.

I chose a number of alternative vegetables to eat instead of the ones I’m allergic to (hint: this is off protocol- proceed with caution- don’t do this unless you have good reason as I did). I was still careful with my choices- I checked the nutritional content of the veggies to make sure their calorie and carb content was still in line with the other vegetables on Dr. Simeon’s original list. The vegetables I ended up including almost daily on my 5th round of the protocol are mushrooms, broccoli, red bell pepper, zucchini and crooked neck squash.

Since I don’t eat the grissini or fruit on p2, the diet is very low in carbohydrates the way I’m doing it, so I feel that I have a little more leeway with my vegetables without causing harm to my fat losses, and I’m careful to eat reasonable amounts of these protocol vegetables to make sure calories and carbs don’t get out of hand. So far this has been working great for me this round. Regarding meats I have been having the chicken breast, but also have included Trader Joe’s nitrate and nitrite free Ham lunch meat. Again, this is off protocol, but my test said I was allergic to many of the protocol meats, so I had to come up with some other alternatives.

So far so good!

Remember, eating off protocol foods on this diet plan is not something that you would do needlessly.  However, it’s good to be open to alternatives should you find, like myself, that your body doesn’t tolerate certain foods or supplements.

October 4, 2012

Drumroll please…..2 lb drop on VLCD 12 of Round 5 of HCG Injections. 125.4 down from 127.4 yesterday. That’s 9.4 lbs in 11 days now. Yup. Pretty happy if I do say so myself.

Also wanted to give you a bodyshot in my size 2 jeans (you’ll have to watch the vlog for that)!

This pair is actually comfortable now- I did manage to squeeze into them before this round started, but they certainly didn’t fit well enough to leave the house in.

I have been quite surprised to be honest to be 125 lbs and to be both losing so quickly still and to have so much non-hunger. Keep in mind I’m just over 5′ tall so I certainly have room to go lower still, but honestly, it’s still surprisingly that the fat is coming off so easily at this point in the game.

This round I have been using a new hCG source- ushcginjections – they dispense hCG that is actually made in the U.S. At a compounding pharmacy right in Florida. I’ve been very impressed at how I feel on this Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, so I can happily recommend them to others.

The other difference about this round is that I’m avoiding foods I’m allergic to. You can see my post on this here.

The last thing thing that is different about this round of the diet is that I’m injecting in a variety of other places than usual- I’ve injected in my upper arm and my inner and outer thigh. I find that when I find a nice fatty place to inject, my hunger is the least.

That’s it for this day’s update on my own personal weight loss journey.  Now I’m going to go find something to help you guys with….

October 5, 2012

Occasionally I get requests to see some of my Crossfit skills in action. I’m still a total beginner at Crossfit, but I am proud to say that certain things like my pushup capability has increased astronomically since I first started.

Had a .8 weight loss this morning, putting me at 124.6 on VLCD 12, so in honor of that I thought I’d do 8 pushups (watch the video for that!)

I have had excellent energy on this round of HCG Injections, which I’m loving. That has not been the case of every round on the diet- some rounds my energy has been horrible and I’ve been very fatigued, and other rounds, like this one, I feel great.

I could be wrong, but I think part of it could have to do with the fact that toxins are stored in fat and at different points on the HCG Diet journey, one may feel yucky as their body is releasing fat that may have higher amounts of toxins stored in it- thinks like heavy metals (mercury), and other chemicals. I must be to the point of losing fat that didn’t contain anything too nasty since I’ve been feeling so good. Don’t take my word for it on this topic- I’m just ruminating on this thought- I still need to research this idea more myself.

October 12, 2012

I’ve been very happy with what I’ve accomplished with this round of HCG Injections.  At this point I had intended on ending my round, but ended up extending it to a full 6 week round.

I may not always have a factual answer for your hCG questions, but I’ll give you the from-my-experience-and-what-I’ve observed-in-others answer. To be honest, sometimes it’s these types of answers that I find to be the most valuable anyway.

That’s how I learned the most about this weight loss protocol to begin with. Just doing my research on the forums and on youtube and just seeing what people were experiencing in real life.

Sometimes I find that supposed “facts” about the diet– for instance those “studies” that hCG haters like to mention that have been done on th e protocol are pretty useless to me (and to you) because they didn’t do any hydrostatic body fat testing in those studies, so there was no comparison done between how much fat and muscle loss there was in the two groups- the hCG takers vs. the placebo takers. “Weight” is deceiving. That’s why I think seeing what actually happens to people in real life is what is most useful and most reliable when it comes to information.

October 13, 2012

I was down to 123 lbs today! That’s a 1.4 loss on the scale since the previous day. Pretty cool ya?

INCREASE IN CALORIE INTAKE HALFWAY THROUGH HCG ROUND

Earlier in this HCG Injections round I found I didn’t even need the full 500 calories when I ate to hunger and felt good. As this round continues I find myself eating the full 500 and even a little bit more and that is what my body wants right now.

I’ve started incorporating the miracle (shirataki) noodles again this round.   I had decided to wait to use them this round until I really needed them, and that time has come! Incorporating them made me feel more satisfied and even more relaxed and less stressed as a result.  I have used the shirataki noodles now on almost a daily basis for 4 out of my 5 rounds with success.

Update on Off-Protocol (Rogue) hCG Eating of Foods

I’ve done quite a bit of experimentation on myself this round because of my food allergy test that I had done a couple months ago telling me that I was actually allergic (or I should more accurately say had a food intolerance) to many of the foods on Dr. Simeon’s original protocol list of foods.   For more info on that see my post here.

As a result I’ve been eating many off protocol veggies this round as a trial- foods that i’m not intolerant too. So far this seems to be doing well with my body. An example of my off protocol meal yesterday was a soup of mushrooms and chicken breast simmered in water with salt, then add the miracle noodles at the end. It’s super yummy and very satisfying.

If you decide to make any changes to the original weight loss protocol as I have, just do it in an informed way. It’s probably not a good idea to just randomly start eating different stuff, because you can hurt the outcome of your results on the diet, but certainly there are times when changes may be necessary.

People are pretty in tune with their bodies sometimes. For instance, I’ve heard a number of hCGer’s mention on their youtube vlogs “oh I can’t eat cabbage on p2, it makes me gainl”. To an outsider this might sound totally silly. But you know what? Don’t knock it. Very likely what they are saying is true- probably they have a food intolerance to cabbage that causes inflammation when they eat it thus causing problems with weightloss. So it’s worth it to trust your body a bit and to realize that no one size can fit all people. Sometimes adjustments do have to be made.

I have lost more fat this round eating off protocol vegetables than the last round eating the designated p2 foods. Again, the foods I choose was done strategically though- I’m very careful with the carb count of the veggies, etc. and since I don’t eat the fruits or melba on the diet, I feel that enables me to have a little more freedom when it comes to my vegetables.

One other thing I do incorporate while on the diet is 2-3 teaspoons of half and half each day in my black tea.

Getting Back to Family Life Soon

There’s a time and place for everything. I’ve been feeling like I need to get back to my family life now as this round of protocol concludes. I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes on this diet planI tend to be not nearly as useful to my family members. I don’t cook nearly as much and my husband has to kind of fend for himself and I find myself making a lot more sunbutter and jelly sandwiches for my son than usual. Breakfast? How about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Dinner? How about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My guilt gradually increases until I think to myself it’s time to start cooking real food again before my son’s muscles fill up with jelly.

I know some of you guys can identify with this. But you know what? It’s okay for a period of 3-6 weeks to be focused on you while you get yourself to a healthier place- that will give you many years of good health to then share with your husband and children after your done with Human Chorionic Gonadotropin right? You sometimes have to look at the long range scope of things in order to put yourself first temporarily without guilt. But there comes a time when you feel you’ve achieved enough to accomplish this and you’re ready to get back to being the hero of the family.

October 17, 2012

I had planned on ending Round 5 of HCG Injections at the 3 week point, but after TOM (time of month) came and went, I felt much better (after feeling really crabby and yucky pre-period), so I decided to continue on Human Chorionic Gonadotropin.

As long as I can feel fairly well while on the protocol I have no problem continuing. It’s when I start feeling to unwell or too grumpy for too many days in a row that I start thinking that it’s time to get off the protocol for the time being.

RESULTS FROM PAST FEW VLCD DAYS:

VLCD 20 results: -1.4 lbs

VLCD 21 results: + 1.4 lbs (TOM- always gain water weight from TOM coming)

VLCD 22 results: – 1.6 lbs to 122.8 lbs

VLCD 23 results: +.2 lbs to 123 lbs

VLCD 24 results: -1.8 lbs to 121.2 lbs

So far I’ve lost 13.6 lbs total in 24 days, which includes the fact that I lost ground for a few days due to the 1 day I cheated on the diet this round (it happens you know?)

In the video I mention the weird observation that it seemed as if the hormone injections was affecting where I lost fat- almost like spot reducing.  In retrospect, I don’t think that was occurring and I think it was just a fluke- so please ignore that part of the video will ya?  Hey, a girl can dream can’t she? :)-

Lastly, my average weight loss for this round has been .5lb/day which is excellent considering that is the normal average weightloss for any woman on the Diet, and to still be losing this average when I’m getting quite tiny is great.  I’ve lost so much in my hip and thigh area this round that previously somewhat large skirts (in the size 8 and 10 range) that I could still wear, just lower on my body, no longer can be worn at all- they just fall off they’re that huge.

October 23, 2012

I am 120.2 lbs on Day 35 of the VLCD of Round 5 of the HCG Injections.  My video has a bodyshot of what I currently look like at this weight.  Since I started at 172 pounds and a size 16/18 and in this video you’ll see me wearing a size 2 pair of jeans, I think that speaks volumes for what Human Chorionic Gonadotropin can do if you follow the protocol properly from start to finish.

I didn’t really mean for this to turn into a long round, but since I was feeling better this last week and I won’t be doing another round of the protocol for quite some time, I felt it might be nice to make the most of this current round.

I’ve lost 14.6 lbs in 30 days and so far 9 lbs is fat. I’m very happy with this ratio

My omron monitor is showing that I’m at 19.8% bodyfat which equals out to 24 lbs of fat on my body out of the 120 lbs that I currently weigh and what’s interesting is that I just had a hydrostatic body fat test done a couple days ago and it actually lined up perfectly with what my Omron handheld body fat monitor said. This was my first time having a hydro body fat test being done while still on phase 2 of the Diet. Usually I wait until I am in Phase 3 to have the test done. I have discovered as I’ve gotten leaner that when I’m NOT on the Diet, the omron body fat monitor is not as accurate as when I am on the diet. I think the extra food, fluids, and glycogen etc, that my body has when I’m in my normal living state change the monitor’s readings a bit, although just as a reference I still find it useful.

What Shirataki Noodles Package Looks Like

Shirataki noodles are also called Miracle Noodles- the miracle noodles can be purchased online and are a bit pricier purchased under that name brand. The Shirataki noodles as you see here in this video can be purchased as most local asian markets or ethnic markets- you will find them in the refrigerated section. It will often say “yam noodle” or “yam flour” in paranthesis on the package. There has been some confusion over people seeing this and then thinking the shirataki noodles contained actual yams as we americans think of them and thus starch but this is not the case. The asian shirataki noodles are actually made purely from soluble fiber (fiber meaning our body does not digest it as any calories to us) from what’s called the Konjac Root in Japan- whoever translated this onto the package from chinese put it as “yam” but it’s really this Konjact root that it’s made from.

MAKING USE OF THE HCG YOUTUBE COMMUNITY

I have found the hCG community on youtube to be a wonderful place to both get and give support on the Diet.  It seems like many useful and successful protocols for things like losing weight, getting fit, or getting away from an addiction involve a group of some sort.  There’s cycling groups, jogging groups, AA for alcoholics and weight watchers meetings to name a few.  People do well with a support system in place- especially people who are in a similar situation to you.  That is why if you are doing the protocol, the youtube community of vloggers and commentors is what I think of as an irreplaceable resource.  I address how to go about getting and giving support on the protocol on my FAQ page here:  Where to Find Support and Help on the hCG Diet

Since the Diet is somewhat controversial (ie phrases sometimes heard: you are INJECTING? or….you are injecting WHAT???  or…..you are eating HOW MANY CALORIES???  Oh my goodness you are going to STARVE YOURSELF!!!) many find they don’t care to tell too many in their immediate network of friends or family they are doing this diet because they don’t feel like dealing with all the questions and/or well-meaning warnings that come across as put-downs since they have not full researched the protocol.  So many us like to wait to let the results speak for themselves, at which point sometimes the minds of those around us become a little more open.  Before this happens though, you need a support network- the protocol is NOT easy as some might say.  It’s FAST but not easy.  I treasure and hope you will too, the Human Chorionic Gonadotropin youtube community.

OCTOBER 23, 2012

Let me put your minds to rest- I am not re-losing weight, but let me explain my unique hCG journey.

I got a question from someone on youtube who was a little confused by my weight loss journey at first (after all I have 175+ videos!) so I wanted to make a video and blog post that gives you a synopsis of just what I’ve personally been doing with the hCG Diet protocol and why it could appear at first that I am re-losing weight (ie losing weight with the protocol, then re-gaining weight, then re-losing that same weight again with the protocol, and so on), when in reality, I’m losing new fat with each subsequent round of the protocol. I’d like to show to you here the unique way I’ve been using this weight loss protocol.

If you were to watch every single one of my 175+ videos it probably would all make sense, but let’s face it, I’m not that egotistical to think that most of you will have time or even want to do that!

So it can appear on the surface as if I can’t keep the weight loss off as I keep re-visiting similar numbers on the scale- ie. 127 lbs, 124 lbs, 122 lbs, etc. So let’s get started.

I Have Maintained Almost 100% Of All My Fat Loss from the hCG Diet…

aside from Round 2. I have done 5 rounds of the diet plan now, and 4 of them I have done well and maintained almost all the fat loss from them, without having to go back on the protocol to “re-lose” weight. So I have not gained back fat after doing the diet. Here’s a chart that shows everything in a nutshell. As you can see, how many lbs of fat I have has continued to drop with each successive round, despite re-visiting similar scale weights.

Comparison Chart of hCGChica Body Composition on each hCG Round:

(Round 2 was a wash so it’s left out)

April ’11/End of Round 1:       144.8lbs   34.5% bodyfat    49 lbs fat       95.8 lbs lean mass

Dec ’11/End of Round 3:      124.8 lbs     27.5% bodyfat     34 lbs fat       90.8 lbs lean mass

May ’12/End of Round 4:      127.5 lbs    23.91%bodyfat   30.5 lbs fat    97 lbs lean mass

No ’12/End of Round 5:      118.8 lbs      17.9% bodyfat     21.3 lbs fat      97.48 lbs lean mass

Dec ’12/Currently off hCG:   124.5 lbs   18.8% bodyfat     23.49 lbs fat   101 lbs lean mass

My 1st round of the weight loss protocol started in February of 2011 and it’s now December 2012. I take really long breaks between rounds of this protocol as well, and during that time I eat really healthy but I eat a pretty good amount of food quantity-wise, I don’t count calories, and I maintain my fat loss- I don’t gain back fat while on the protocol. I know this because I have period hydrostatic body fat tests done to show how much fat and muscle I have on my body (as shown above).  I’m getting close to my 2 year anniversary since starting the weight loss protocol, and I’m happy to show you how far I’ve come, while spending the majority of the past 2 years NOT on a diet at all, hCG or otherwise.

My Journey with the hCG Diet Is Unique

My hCG Diet journey is a little bit unique I guess you could say because I have certain goals in mind that don’t necessarily have to do with being a certain scale weight or a certain size in clothing. I have in my nature that I love to do things that require being fit like hiking and doing pushups. I’ve always enjoyed sporty type activities, even as a little girl. I was a daddy’s girl all the way and I spent many a good hour biking, fishing, jet skiing and hiking with my dad. I was definitely the ultimate tomboy down to hating lace and the color pink.  In high school I was 1 of 3 girls in the weight training class, and 1 of only 2 girls actually lifting weights (ie not just sitting around flirting).

So once I realized what this protocol could do now as an overweight adult in her 30’s with a chronic autoimmune illness, I’ve been trying to see how far it will take me.  I’ve basically been trying to cycle my way down to a lower and lower body fat percent, not to a lower weight necessarily. This means I’m trying to achieve a high amount of muscle mass compared to fat mass on my body, which in turn makes doing things that require being strong and fit much easier.

When my husband and I were dating he used to call me a deer because of the way I would bound down the hiking trails on the way back- my quads were nice and firm and strong and my body fat was low enough that I didn’t feel heavy to myself so I could easily almost run along the steep downward trails. As I got overweight and out of shape, I could no longer do this and just walking carefully on a downward slopping trail would often feel scary as if my thighs weren’t strong enough to hold me up and that I might actually collapse under the weight of my own body.

hCGChica’s hCG Rounds Timeline- Sort Of

Round 1 of the hCG Diet

My 1st round of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin I lost about 27 lbs in about 42 days and I had no problem keeping this weight off for the next 3 months while I was off the protocol. I ate pretty much low carb during that time, went to Zumba a few times a week, and did not count calories.

Round 2 of the hCG Diet

Round 2- that is what I would call a failed round because after losing weight on round 2 I re-gained most of that weight in the following 9 weeks after that because I did not adhere to phase 3 nor did I eat healthy (ie. I was living on sugar again for that entire 9 weeks). So I did have to re-lose this weight. What can I say? I messed up that round, I think most of us mess up at one point or another on our weightloss journey. I think that just means I’m human like the rest of you.

So I re-lost this weight plus more with Round 3 of the diet.

Round 3 of the hCG Diet

December 2011 I finished Round 3 of the diet and lost about 21-ish pounds during this round. At that point I ended up at about 124.8 lbs when I went in to have my bodyfat tested hydrostatically. My results showed I was 27% bodyfat with 34 lbs of fat and 90.8 lbs of lean mass adding up to the 124.8 lbs total that I weighed.

4 Month Break

I took a 4 month break from the protocol after this. During that time, I spent 3 months trying out a new fitness thing called Crossfit, a high-intensity interval training (HIIT) and heavy weightlifting type program. Which I love and still do regularly to this day. You can look for a Crossfit gym in you area by googling it. During my 4 month break and going to Crossfit regularly, I gained “weight.” However, almost all of this “weight gain” was muscle, not fat. AHA!!! The light is coming on now right?

When I went in to have my hydrostatic body fat test at the end of March, I weighed 132.5 lbs, a gain of 7.7 lbs in 4 months. Out of that 7.7 lbs, 7 lbs was muscle, so only about a half lb of my weight gain was fat. This put me at 25.91% bodyfat, which if you’ll notice is actually now a smaller bodyfat percent than at the124.8 lbs I was 4 months prior because of the high amount of muscle gain with almost no fat gain. So I actually maintained 99% of my fat loss from the diet plan during that 4 months, despite “gaining” almost 8 lbs, not to mention all the fat I lost from round 1 as well.

So during that whole 4 months, I was not counting calories, I wasn’t even eating low carb anymore- I was eating a healthy amount of fruit and some rice products, going to Crossfit 3-4 times a week for 1 hour each time, and I kept off almost all of the fat loss, no problem.

Round 4 of the hCG Diet

April 2012 I did Round 4 of the protocol. This was my first “short” round of just 3 weeks long on the diet. I only lost a little over 5 lbs this round, down to 127.4, but I actually have LESS fat now at this higher weight, than I did at 124.8 lbs at the end of Round 3. Let me show you the comparison here.

End of Round 3:      124.8 lbs         34 lbs fat

  End of Round 4:      127.4 lbs          30.5 lbs fat

So here I weigh 2.6 lbs more but have 3.5 lbs less fat after doing Round 4. Since muscle is pretty much always a good thing, you can look solely at my pounds of fat to see if I was now in a better place with my body or not, and the answer if you look is decidedly yes! After Round 4 I was now 23.91% bodyfat, a loss of 3.1% bodyfat during that 3 weeks of the diet.

5 Month Break

I took a 5 month break this time from the protocol. During the next 5 months from all May through the end of September I again was going to Crossfit 3-4 days a week, not counting calories, eating healthy but a lot. I don’t eat no 1200 calories okay? I eat very liberally, and I eat a lot of fruit as well (after phase 3 of course). I eat a lot of fat, meat, veggies, fruit, nuts, and dairy. I probably take in at least 2000 calories if not 2500. I’m not saying anyone can do this, but I believe because since I was going to crossfit, my body was funneling this into muscle growth. During that 5 months I once again “gained weight” and went from 127.4 to 133 lbs. That’s a 5.6 lb “gain.” Out of that 5.6 lbs however, 5 lbs was muscle.

End of Round 4:  127.4 lbs     23.91% bodyfat      30.5 lbs fat        97 lbs lean mass

5 months later:    133 lbs         23.2% bodyfat       31 lbs fat           102 lbs lean mass

So once again almost all the weight gain was muscle, and I had kept off ALL but a half pound of fat that I lost with the hCG Diet. Keep in mind that not only am I keeping off the fat from the latest round of the diet, but pretty much all the fat from the previous rounds as well.

So hopefully you can see so far throughout this whole weight loss journey, except for Round 2- that one’s a wash- we’re tossing that one out of the window- I’ve maintained almost 100% of my fat loss with the Diet.

Round 5 of the hCG Diet

October 2012 I started Round 5 of the diet and finished it in November 2012. I’m writing this blog post some time after making the video so I can give you the full stats for Round 5. I lost over 9 lbs of new fat during Round 5, putting me at 118.8 lbs and 17.9% bodyfat with 21 pounds of fat at the time my hydrostatic body fat test which was a few days into phase 3.

End of Round 4:      127.4 lbs        23.91% bodyfat     30.5 lbs fat           97 lbs lean mass

5 months later:        133 lbs           23.2% bodyfat        31 lbs fat               102 lbs lean mass

End of Round 5:      118.8 lbs        17.9% bodyfat        21.3 lbs fat            97.48 lbs lean mass

1 month later:          124.5 lbs       18.8% bodyfat        23.49 lbs of fat      101 lbs lean mass

Now it is the middle of December 2012 and I “gained weight” again, but as you can see above, 2/3rds  of it was muscle when tested hydrostatically.  I did gain a couple pounds of fat at this point, but at 18.8% bodyfat which is getting fairly low for a woman, I’m very happy to be stable where I’m at and am very happy with the fat loss that I am keeping off, which is the large majority for it.

I’m basically maintaining a fat loss of 35.5 lbs out 37.7 lbs of fat lost. And this is all actual FAT my friends. Not water weight, not muscle, not glycogen, not just weighing less because I haven’t eaten yet and my stomach is empty.

Is 124 lbs the same as 124 lbs?  Not Necessarily…..

The last thing I’d like to leave you with which is pretty exciting to me because I couldn’t have achieved this without hCG Injections is the following stats:

Dec 2011/End of R3:          124.8 lbs      27.5% bf   34 lbs fat       90.8 lbs lean mass Size 6

Dec 2012/ 1 mo. after R5:  124.5 lbs   18.8% bf   23.49 lbs fat  101 lbs lean mass   Size 2

If you compare these two stats, you’ll see that my weight is almost EXACTLY THE SAME, about 124 lbs, yet now I have 10.5 lbs less fat and 10.2 lbs more muscle at the same weight!!!! Okay, sorry, I should kick the enthusiasm down a notch I guess, but this is huge!

Let’s break down just this past years’ results from December 2011-December 2012

Lost 10% bodyfat and stabilized at 8.7% bodyfat lost- from 27.5% to 18.8% bodyfat

Gained 12 lbs of muscle

Lost over 10 lbs of fat

Was on a “diet” for only 9 weeks of the entire year

10 months- the rest of the year- eating 2000-2500 calories (my guesstimate) NOT on a diet.

Went to Crossfit just 3-4 hours a week

Enjoyed my life

Walked around in size 4 jeans all year long

Almost all fat loss with protocol kept off with ease

This is not to say that after the diet plan you can go back to eating cartons of ice-cream and extra large fries 3x’s a week and expect to maintain your weight. But you won’t be able to maintain you fat loss if you do that after any diet. You must seek and find healthy replacements to your old comfort foods- that is what I have done and that is what the rest of those who are maintaining their hCG weightloss have done as well. It’s not as hard as you might think. Pinterest is a great way to find sugar free, gluten free, grain free recipes, and you will be more motivated to do this once you are happy in your thinner, fitter body.

Summary of This Mouthful of A Story

Anyway- this is a really long story to share a very short point which is that the weight I’ve “gained” this past year after doing the diet has been muscle, not fat. So even though I’m about the same weight that I was a year ago, I’m much smaller visually. I was a size 6 at this weight a year ago, and now I’m a size 2 at this same weight. Not to mention much stronger and healthier.

It was important to me to share this with you out there researching this diet, because the protocol has proven SO effective for me (as my results and statistics show) and I really want everyone out there to know what can be achieved with it’s proper use.

Of course, I cannot attribute my strength and increase in muscle to the Diet, and going to Crossfit has been a huge part in re-shaping my body- the definition and solidness I have to my body now has a lot to do with Crossfit. But let me point out that not 1 single solitary ounce of my fat loss came from Crossfit. 100% of my fat loss was due to Diet alone. That is why I have really enjoyed cycling Crossfit and the Diet because they go hand in hand- crossfit is great for building muscle, at least for me, and Human Chorionic Gonadotropin is great for losing fat.

I’m all about using the most effective technique to reach my goal. How about you?

October 24, 2012

LOST ANOTHER 1 LB OVERNIGHT ON HCG INJECTIONS

I was down 1 whole lb on both the scale and my Omron handheld body fat monitor. That puts me at 119.2 which is CRAY-ZY. I haven’t been under 120 lbs in many years. I think I was about 120 lbs when I got married, and that was 12 years ago when I was 19 years old. So being 119 lbs is a distant memory from my late teens.

I have discovered with the way that I usually do the protocol (replacing the fruits with 0% Fage greek yogurt which makes the diet very low carb- I don’t recommend this for just anyone), that the body fat monitor is very accurate for my body while I’m actually on the protocol when compared to hydrostatic body fat testing- when I had a hydro done while on Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, my Omron monitor actually matched up exactly to the hydrostatic body fat test results which was surprising. When I’m off the protocol it’s not as accurate- somehow having a higher amount of perhaps carbs, glycogen, food in instestines, etc. makes it so that the body fat monitor is off by 2-3%, but that’s still not bad and overall is still a useful little tool and it’s consistency is fantastic- for me anyways.

CHEATING MY WAY TO A PULL-UP

I have something exciting to report today! Pull-ups are typically not easy for women to do. Even when I was thin and fit back in my teens I remember trying to do pull-ups for a long time and eventually I managed to do 1 pull-up once, and then I could never do it again! Obviously once I was out of shape and overweight I couldn’t even begin to pull my body up on a pull-up bar, much less actually do one.

As I’ve been attending Crossfit now for close to a year, I’ve been gradually getting stronger but still couldn’t do a full pull-up. Not even half a pull-up. When I took a break from Crossfit to do my 5th round of the diet in October 2012 I left with enough strength to pull myself up maybe about 1/3rd of the way to the bar.

So I was totally dumbfounded when the other day, a few weeks into being on the protocol, I walked up to my pull-up bar at home, and proceeded to do an entire pull-up, all by myself! I really had meant to just check where my strength was and make sure I hadn’t gotten a lot weaker from being away from exercise and from losing weight with the diet for a few weeks (ie. I know there is very little muscle loss with this protocol but it’s something I am always “watching out” for). There’s a little video clip of my “re-enacting” my first pull-up. I actually did almost 2 in a row.

I feel like I’ve totally cheated and it’s awesome! Who can not workout and go from a 1/3rd pull-up to a full pull-up almost overnight? An HCG Dieter I guess! I guess what has happened is that I’ve lost enough body fat and my body fat percent had sufficiently lowered quickly enough to then allow my upper body strength to suddenly be strong enough to pull my whole body up, whereas before I still had too much body fat compare to strength to do so.

WHY CAN’T WOMEN DO PULL-UPS?

I could be wrong, but I think perhaps one of the reasons that it’s so difficult for women to do pull-ups is that we are all fairly bottom heavy, compared to men. We carry a higher percentage of fat on our hips and thighs, and typically our upper body is also not naturally as strong as men, so this creates a situation where it’s rather impossible to do a pull-up without first changing your entire body composition. Thankfully, with the diet, this is totally possible.

As an example of how fat and body fat percent plays a role in pull-ups, there is a woman trainer at my crossfit gym who does Oly Lifting (olympic weightlifting). She is getting super strong and can lift really heavy weights, even overhead. She is not super stocky either- she looks very good, but looks like your average woman, with a good amount of fat on her hips and thighs that is not unattractive. She recently told me that she gave up trying to do a pull-up. She’s very strong, but apparently her body fat percent and the amount of fat she has on her lower half is too much for her upper body to be able to pull herself up to do a full pull-up.

Fat Loss Is Not Easy or Not Possible for Many Women without the hCG Diet

That’s why I say I feel like I totally cheated my way into doing a full pull-up. And I’m proud of it! It seems that for some women, it is easy to gain strength, but losing fat is another story. For all those women who cannot lose fat by other means, this diet is in my opinion the answer. This lady has been living on almost a zero carb diet in order to try to shed a few pounds of fat, and I don’t think it’s gotten her very far in that department.

I have discovered I am like her. Going to Crossfit, I find I build muscle and get strong VERY easily. But I do not lose fat easily. I haven’t lost a single ounce of fat going to Crossfit for the past year. Now of course, I wasn’t eating to lose fat which is really where fat loss will occur- with changes to diet- but this female crossfit trainer HAS made those dietary changes with very little to show for it.

Fit the Tool to the Job

It makes more sense to me to match the tool to the job doesn’t it? That is why I use Crossfit for getting strong and building muscle, because Crossfit is what does that best for my body, and why I use the Diet and HCG Injections for losing fat, because that is what accomplishes this most efficiently (or as it appears, it’s the only thing that will help me lose fat at all, not just most efficiently).

October 27, 2012

I had no intention of this turning into a long round of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, but that’s what’s happened. I’ve been feeling great and continuing to lose fat and have no hunger, so there really wasn’t any reason to stop under those circumstances.

I have about 5-7 VLCD days left with the HCG Injections, and then the 72 hours of VLCD without the hormone.

I was down 1.4 lbs on the scale today, but 1 lb down overall as I had a .4 gain yesterday. That puts me at 118.2 lbs! I’m just over 5′ tall so for anyone who is feeling that weight seems awfully low, it’s not awfully low for a shortie like me.

As of today, I’m 54 lbs lighter than when I first started the weight loss protocol, and technically I’ve actually lost quite a bit more than that if you add in the 1 round of this protocol that I didn’t do too well and gained back that weight and the had to re-lose it, and also the loading weight I had to of course lose with each round- all things considered I’ve probably lost more like 70 lbs. But who’s counting?

Transcript:

Hey guys! HCGchica! I’m just checking in. Today is VLCD 35 of round 5. I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I had no intention of doing a long round this time but I ended up feeling so good and I’ve been continuing to lose fat so I figured you know what I’m just gonna go ahead and go as long as I’m feeling good so technically I’ve got about maybe 5 to 7 VLCD days left with the shots and then I’ll probably be going into P3 after that.

I was actually down 1.4 this morning so that was really good. I was actually up .4 yesterday so technically I’m down another pound which puts me at 118.2. Oh my goodness! I just, I can’t believe that. I haven’t been that small since before I got married actually. I think I was about 120 when I got married so again I’m just over 5 feet you guys not even 5’1 apparently. I thought I was 5’1 then I went to have my Dexa scan and they measured me and she said. Well you’re actually not 5’1 so I don’t know. I’m either already shrinking or I’ve just been wrong all this years.

Anyway my body fat, pounds of fat, is down to 22.5 pounds of fat. Hopefully I’ll continue to see that go down even a little bit more for the weight that I’ve lost. And my ketones where actually a little higher today at 10 and I think it’s just cause didn’t drink quite as many liquids yesterday. I still drink enough but just a little less than usual. So anyway I’m really happy about that I’m still feeling so energetic and so good. 3 new people to sub to I wanna mention real quick. The first 2 I think are on their first round just started blogging recently- I’m sorry if you hear planes on private airport like right next to our house and on Fridays everyone is flying maybe out to their vacations homes or something, I don’t know. So anyway the 2 ones are msnomojo and Pinskygirl and I will have the link to their actual channel below in the description box and then the 3rd one is HCGbeautyvlog she’s not new to this protocol but she’s somewhat new to blogging but I really would like you guys to check her out because she is both a make-up artist and a skin care specialist and so she is doing a lot of work to discover the different types of products that are safe to use on the protocol and she’s checking in to all the different brands. The drugstore brands, the high-end brands and she’s putting a lot of work into it so she’s gonna be doing some of that information on her blogs and she’s just a wealth of information on that topic and I know she’s gonna be posting a lot of information about that. You know I have got a lot of questions from some of you guys about what products to use and that’s just something that I just don’t know the answer to so she’s gonna have a lot of good answers for that and I’m actually going to be having a wonderful comprehensive report of all of her different brands that she’s checked out and the different products that are okay to use on my website in the near future, so I’m really excited about that.

Anyway, so that’s my update. Again my website is HCGchica.com if you guys needs to just answer questions about the diet there is a link on there to email me privately if you want. For anyone who has emailed me you know that I take quite a bit of time and respond to each of your emails in a very lengthy in depth ways so I really do care that you guys get the best out of this protocol. So anyway, as of today I’ve lost 54 pounds lighter than when I first started the weight loss protocol and technically I’ve actually lost quite a bit more than that because I had 1 round that I had to re-lose that way and of course there is loading weight and all that kind of stuff so all and all I’ve technically probably lost closer to 60 or 65 pounds or maybe even 70 but as it stands today I’m 54 pounds lighter on the scale I’m somewhere around 19% body fat which is totally phenomenal that actually puts me into the athlete category which is really cool. I never expected this weight loss journey to be able to get me that far but it has so I’ll just keep it short and sweet today and I’ll talk to you guys soon. Take care. Bye.

October 31, 2012

Today’s vlcd 39, which I just can’t believe! I was down 1.8 lbs on the scale today. I have only really been checking in on my “good weight loss” days, which is usually every few days. On the days in between I often will lose nothing or even have small gains- for instance the last 3 days in a row I was up on the scale .2 each day, but then today had a huge 1.8 lbs loss. That’s just how my body rolls it appears. A quick explanation on partially why this occurs is that, TMI, I don’t have a bowel movement everyday while on this protocol. There is simply so little food and my digestion is rather slow anyway, that on this protocol it slows down to once every 2 or 3 days. So there is some build-up on my non- elimination days that will contributed to my zero or small weight loss days. Additionally I eat miracle noodles (shirataki noodles) on the diet, and depending on what time of time I have them or how much of them I eat, that can affect my scale weight temporarily as that bulk is in my stomach and intestines processing. Sorry I know this is kind of gross, but when it comes to this weight loss protocol, it’s best to divulge everything you possibly can because you just never know when it may help someone else.

Anyway, my big loss of this morning puts me at 117 lbs today!

I am undecided if I will stop the diet tomorrow or go a couple more days.

See, I am getting very close to having 20 lbs of fat on my body, which is kind of a bit of a special marker to shoot for. You see, the hydrostatic body fat test technician I spoke with told me that no person, no matter their size or height, needs more than 20 lbs of fat on their body. It’s okay to have less than 20lbs of fat too, but you don’t need any more than 20lbs. Since I’m getting so close to that number it would just be really neat to reach that major goal.

However, in the end, it’s important to me to make my decisions like this based on how my body is feeling, not on a number.

My total losses to date from Round 5 of HCG Injections alone so far is about 17.4 lbs. I’m very happy with this at my smaller size. If you are just starting out on the diet and have 40-50lbs+ to lose you will lose weight much more quickly than I on hCG.

Novermber 2, 2012

Today is  R5P2D41 (round 5, phase 2, Day 41) which is technically my LDW (last day weight) for the hCG Diet with HCG Injections. I’m a comfy size 2. I seriously NEVER thought I’d see the day I was this small again- I’d written that off forever a few years, especially after being pregnant and giving birth. But crazier things have happened I guess.  I’m thankful just about every day to have so much of my health back, in part due to this weightloss journey.

I had a huge 2lb weight loss on the scale this morning putting me at 115.6 lbs (I’m just over 5′ remember? S’all good). BUT as I realized later, I was coming down with a nasty cold and I believe the large drop was just dehydration, as my weight went right back up to 117.6 lbs the following day.  So I did end up making my adjusted LDW weight 117.6lbs.

While I’m not happy to be coming down with son’s cold, I’m glad that I managed to stay well till the end of my round. For any of those of you who’ve experienced it, being sick while on the protocol is neither fun nor advisable. Usually if you continue to stay on the protocol while sick, you’ll find that you stay sick a lot longer AND you don’t lose as much weight. So it’s just bad on all accounts.

If I get really sick while on hCG I would get off the hCG Injections and start again later once I was better.  Yes, it can suck to have to put a pause on losing weight, but I have found that I have much better long term weight loss results when I stick to logic and leave my feelings out of it (ie. I want to hurry up and lose all this weight now! Today!)  Being more methodical about it has proved to create more lasting results for my body.

Because I was feeling so yucky yesterday (sore throat, very bad headache, etc) I found myself eating more than usual- it just felt like my body needed it. I tried to be smart about the extra calories though (no momemts of madness where I run through Mcdonalds or anything) and ate extra 0% fage greek yogurt and extra meat protein. I’m guessing my calorie count for yesterdays’ VLCD was probably more like 800-900 calories.

I didn’t take any before and after measurements from this particular round- just felt lazy I guess! But I am so much smaller from the start to end of this round. Some of the pants that were quite snug when I started Round 5 using human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) shots are now literally almost falling off they are so big in the waist, hips and thighs.

I did take many measurements of course before and throughout my hCG Diet journey, and I highly recommend measuring many different places on your body that you might not naturally think of. That’s because I found I lost inches in many places I would have just skipped over entirely had I not seen someone else on youtube suggest it. My neck for instance. From the start of the hCG Diet until now I’ve actually had my neck circumference drop 1.25 inches! Who knew? It was 13” around at the start at 172lbs and now it’s 11.75” at 115lbs.

Now that I am a comfy size 2, I found myself a pair of $1.99 Calvin Klein jeans in a size 2 at the thriftstore- yay me! Great find.

That’s all for my update today- happy losing hCGer’s!

November 16, 2012

FINAL BODY FAT TESTING RESULTS FROM ROUND 5 OF HCG

A few days after the end of Round 5 of HCG Injections, I went for hydrostatic body fat testing once again. That day I was 118.8 lbs (about 1.2 lbs over my ldw), and my hydro results were as follows: 17.9% bodyfat, 21.3 lbs fat. Woot woot! Better results than I would ever have expected.

Adjusted LDW

While I found myself at 115.6 lbs on the day of my LDW (last day weight) of the diet, it so happened that this was a special 1 day dip into the 115 territory, before my weight went right back up to 117.6 lbs the next day and stayed there. In retrospect, I had come down with a nasty cold, taken some aspirin, didn’t eat much all evening, and was dehydrated which lead to that 115 number the following day. So it wasn’t a real number to go by, although it was fun to see such a small number on the scale, if only for a day. So my adjusted LDW is 117.6 lbs.

Current Weight in P3

As of now, I’m 123.2 lbs, a couple weeks into P3. I’ve been eating super clean and I’m pretty sure that most of that weight is muscle and glycogen stores. Since I wasn’t eating any fruit on Phase 2, that made the diet extremely low carb and now that I’m eating a little more carbs, my muscles are filling back up with water.

Navigating Successfully through P3 on the hCG Diet

After my 3rd round of this protocol I had this same experience where my weight seemed to want to fly up several pounds right away, and at that time, I kept fighting it by doing steak days and fast days, etc. Of course my weight would temporarily drop from these days, but then shoot right back up. I had started going to Crossfit by then, and at one point my wise husband told me that maybe I should just trust my body- I was eating clean and working out, probably my body was just gaining muscle. After that I tried to relax a little instead of forcing my body to stay at one number on the scale so much. A few months later when I went to have my body fat tested I found that my husband was right- out of a whopping 7.5 lbs gained during 3 months after the 3rd round of the protocol, 7 lbs of it was actually muscle! Only a miniscule half pound was fat.

Since I experienced this back then, when I found my weight doing the same thing this time after Round 5 I decided to work with it and not try so hard to force it to stay at 117 lbs. I knew I had lost about 5 lbs of muscle (turns out I didn’t actually lose 5 lbs of MUSCLE as in the actual muscle fibers- a 2 week follow up hydrostatic body fat test showed I had already re-gained almost ALL of that “muscle”- it must just be glyocen stores as there’s no way that I could really gain 4 pounds of solid muscle in just 2 weeks, working out just 3 times), so I was expecting that my body was just wanting to gather this back quickly, which again is what proved to be the case.

I’ve also had some other crazy factors to consider- having a cold and TOM (time of month) approaching.

Thanks for reading you guys!

My entire hCG Diet journey has occurred with the use of hCG Injections only.

November 22, 2012

This is one blog post where you really MUST watch the video. I can’t write for you here how big my big pants are on me just after 1 round of hCG. The pants I’m wearing were snug both in the hips, thighs, and waist right before I started Round 5 of human chorionic gonadotropin at 132.5 lbs. The day I have these pants on in the video I’m about 124 lbs and you can see they are pretty much falling off they’re so big. There’s at least 3 inches of space in both the thigh and waist area.  This is a good example to show that we don’t want to shoot just for weight loss but rather size loss.  That’s why this protocol is so great, because you are actually losing a high percentage of actual FAT on the diet.  You can see my before and after weight loss journey photos here.

I just want you guys to see how much can be accomplished with this weight loss protocol in just one round of 40 days (I used HCG Injections myself) even if you are technically not “overweight” or already what you might consider “small.” Ie. you look normal to everyone, but still have fat on your body you could safely and healthfully lose.

Sometimes we think of losing weight as being more difficult the smaller we get, but that has not been my experience on this weight loss protocol this round. I did not expect to lose as much fat as I did- almost a full 10lbs of actual fat this time in fact.

December 4, 2012

I apologize, this particular blog post is sorely late- for the record, the date of this video is actually December 3, 2012, close to 2 months old.  But I really want to have my whole HCG Diet story on my blog for any small benefit others may get from it.

I had a follow up hydrostatic body fat test about 1 month after the end of R5 on the protocol.  I wasn’t sure that my LIW which was 117.6 was something that I could really stabilize or maintain- as it turns out I did end up reaching 124.4 lbs before my weight became more stable, and at that time my hydrostatic bodyfat test said that I was 18.8% bodyfat fat, with 101.2 lbs of lean mass, and 23.2 lbs of fat, 124.4 lbs total.

In the first two weeks of Phase 3 (p3) I gained 7 lbs.  It’s nice to know that out of this 7 lbs, 5 lbs was muscle and/or glycogen stores and just 2 lbs was fat.  Not that a 2lb fat gain is great, but I think I probably ate too much right out of the gate in P3 (I tend to get carried away sometimes) and also, I wasn’t sure if 17.9% bodyfat would be easy for me to maintain long term or not.  So I’m currently 18.8% bodyfat which is still fantastic.  Honestly pretty much anything sub-20% bodyfat is just icing on the cake.

I’ve been in the 124 territory for about 2 weeks, so I feel like it’s fairly stable at this point (lets hope!).

Weight doesn’t fly up on the scale for most once P3 of HCG Injections comes, but for me I kind of knew it would at least to some extent, mostly because since I usually don’t eat the fruits on P2, that makes the diet extremely low carb and I knew my glycogen stores in my muscles would be depleted- as soon as P3 comes and there is an increase in calories and a small amount of carbs in vegetables, nuts and dairy, that glycogen would come back, and that weighs something.  So I know that 5 lbs of muscle I gained in 2 weeks isn’t just actual muscle fibers- I just don’t think that would be possible- but I do think it makes sense that it could be a large percentage glycogen.

January 2, 2013

SYMPTOMS OF LOW THYROID AND ADRENAL FATIGUE

Well, it’s officially two months since the end of Round 5 of HCG Injections on the HCG Diet for me.  I’m in Phase 4 (P4)- which is basically just normal, healthy, everyday eating.

I want to discuss my own personal health today because I think it could help others reading it to possibly recognize if they have any hidden health issues themselves. Sometimes we get used to what we might think of as certain little “quirks” to ourselves, that in actuality, are simply health symptoms, that if addressed, could let us lead a happier more full life.

If you have some of the symptoms that I mention below, but your doctor says your thyroid lab tests are normal, please don’t leave it at that. I have discovered many many people go untreated because they really DO have thyroid or adrenal issues- the standard tests that are done are woefully inadequate- the following are some resources to research this important topic. In fact, my own lab tests came back “normal” for a long time, until my condition finally got SO bad that it finally did show up the generic testing- but you shouldn’t have to wait several years to get treated as I did.  The following are what I consider to be the best information out there on hypothyroidism, adrenal fatigue, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia.

Dr. Mercola’s Interview with Dr. Lowe regarding Low Thyroid

 Stop the Thyroid Madness Website- a wealth of information on thyroid and adrenal fatigue and all the things “they” never tell you.

 Natural Thyroid Solutions – check the latest updates and news section and Q&A

I have been dealing with some chronic health issues for several years now and went untreated for most of it because I didn’t know what was wrong with me for many years (this was not for lack of diligent searching for a cause). But I’ve been pretty much symptom free and off all thyroid medication and adrenal support for over 9 months this past year. I never actually expected to be off my thyroid meds as usually the condition I have (hashimoto’s) and the resulting low or hypothyroid condition isn’t curable.

HOW I GOT OFF THYROID MEDICATION

My improved health happened over a number of months as I lost weight with this weight loss protocol, attended Crossfit and got more fit, completely eliminated gluten 100% from my diet, and saw a holistic “dude” (he’s not actually a “doc”) who helped me to address some chronic infections he discovered through muscle testing and treated with homeopathy and rife machine frequencies (google that one).

The only reason I even considered getting off my thyroid medication at all was because I was suddenly feeling very sick and yucky, in a way I’d never felt before, and the holistic guy I was seeing confirmed that my body was functioning very well on it’s own and that I no longer needed the thyroid meds technically. It made me very nervous to wean off it as I visualized what I used to feel like pre-medication, but as soon as I did, I felt much better, and spent the next 9 months living like a normal person- having normal energy, working out, all without medication, which was shocking to me considering how I used to feel without my thyroid medication (couldn’t work secularly, had to sleep many hours each day, had chronic fatigue and some fibromyalgia symptoms- extreme pain in my feet after standing in my kitchen to cook a simple dinner, etc.).  That entire 9 months of 2012 I spent most of it feeling great with great energy and none of my old symptoms.

THE 3 AMIGOS: STRESS – LOW THYROID – ADRENAL FATIGUE

But stress is a killer isn’t it? Or maybe we should say stress is a life-sucker.  You’ve probably heard that adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” right?  I have yet to see this happen in my case.  My chronic health issues started at just 21 years of age, when autoimmune triggers were turned on in my body from different stressful situations in my life.   Stress and difficulties in life have always seemed to wreak a havoc on my body that have permanently changed how my body operates.  My husband and I both came to the realization recently that I have not been myself the past couple months.  Back in September we lost our house to foreclosure and the process of that, along with the stress of finding a new home and moving our whole home ourselves with a small 2 year old in tow wasn’t exactly stress free.  I got through the actual process very well and was pretty proud of myself- almost felt like a small version of a female super hero, but I believe my body is now experiencing the delayed stress response to that period of time.  Along with the fact that I now work secularly again- something I haven’t done in years.

I didn’t notice it at first because the symptoms were a bit subtle and infrequent, but after considering the past couple months, we realized that many of my old familiar symptoms that I used to experience when untreated were there again.

Uncommon Reaction to Social Interaction

For anyone who doesn’t know, one symptom of low thyroid function, which I experience in full force when my condition is not being managed well, is the inability to handle social interaction and feel good still. Even though it’s what you might call a “good stress”, social interaction is a stress on the body. If you’re a normal person, you might spend some time with family or friends and come home feeling happy and refreshed at the good time you just had. Or even if you didn’t have a good time, you might come home kind of irritated, go to sleep and wake up and go about your normal business just fine the following day.

What happens to me specifically is that after hanging out with people, whether I had a good time or not, I will later become very depressed for seemingly no reason. It will last for a couple days, before the depression cloud lifts and I feel normal again. The depression is bad enough that it’s pretty debilitating and something that makes you want to avoid scenarios that cause that. I want to mention this because it’s one of those things that is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it and even harder for them to understand. If you are reading this and realize that you experience this, please consider that you may have some unresolved health issues, that if addressed, could enable you to enjoy people’s company again.

I haven’t experienced this in quite some time, but lately noticed it was starting to happen again.

Uncommon Reaction to Physical Activity

Another symptom of low thyroid and or adrenal fatigue that I would experience is the same resulting depression after taking a walk on concrete for any length of time. I haven’t put my finger on it completely yet, but I have discovered a slow walk on the sidewalk for a half hour or more will cause me to feel very bad later- debilitating fatigue and depression. This seems especially silly to me now considering I still attend Crossfit 3-4 times a week, for an hour each time where I sweat like nobody’s business and my whole body get’s worked super hard, and I feel good after these sessions, yet a slow walk will cause me fatigue later. It’s a strange anomaly that I still don’t understand why it happens, but it does. Years ago before being treated this symptom was bad enough that any physical activity caused the chronic fatigue and depression reaction, no matter what it was. There could even be an endorphin rush initially, but within a matter of a couple hours, this dark cloud of depression would descend.  We are not talking a mild case of the blues- we are talking an I-don’t-know-how-I-can-go-on-living hopeless kind of feeling.

More Cold Than Those Around You

Thirdly, I’ve been extremely cold again lately, and I don’t live in a snow state. I’ve been so cold that I’ve actually found myself googling “warmest coat” and considering specialized jacket options that only researchers in the antarctic usually wear because I can’t seem to find a coat that keeps me warm enough to enjoy the outdoors this winter.

There are many more symptoms that I won’t detail here today. These are the main ones that I’ve been experiencing again.

Treatment of Low Thyroid and Adrenal Fatigue

So what this means is that I’m trying myself back on a small dose of thyroid medication. I take Cytomel– also called T3 or active thyroid hormone.  This is very different from what the majority of thyroid patients are put on by their doctors- most take T4 medication like Synthroid, Levoxyl, Levothroid or Unithroid.  If you haven’t researched this yet, please look into the differences between T3 and T4 thyroid medications– it can mean the difference between feeling symptom free and feeling like crap.

I have yet to know if my current symptoms are mostly thyroid or mostly adrenal or a combination of both, or maybe it’s something entirely new or different.  It’s a bit of a guessing game sometimes at this moment and takes time to figure out.  I have experimented with taking small doses of cortisol again too in the form of Isocort. The results are mixed. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse, so I don’t know all the answers yet. The important thing though is to do something.  If I do nothing, I definitely won’t figure it out.  By trying different things I hope to find the solution and the right balance for best wellness again.

What I will tell you is that, even though I’m once again experiencing a blip in my health, between taking Cytomel thyroid medication for 2 years and then somehow recovering my health and not needing it for almost a year, I have spent the last 3 years of my life feeling REALLY GOODcompared to the previous 6-8 years before that.  If you can get proper treatment, you CAN feel good again.  Don’t give up on yourself and finding wellness.  Make the above links in this post a start to your research on this.

February 22, 2013

Hello everyone!

So it’s February 21, 2013, and it’s been about 112 days since the end of my 5th round of HCG Injections – so almost 4 months now.  And actually, my 2 year anniversary since I started my weight loss journey is tomorrow I think.  I can’t believe it’s been that long.

I have been extremely stable in the 126-127 lb weight range for over 2 months now.  I’m not eating low carb now- I’m eating very healthy but it definitely doesn’t classify as low carb.  I just think that’s important to mention because sometimes I hear people claim that you have to eat low carb the rest of your life to maintain weightloss from the diet plan which is totally not true.

Every person’s body is different, and I don’t doubt that some individuals may need to eat low carb long term, but not everyone since I don’t have to.  I get 3-4 hours of intense exercise a week, in the form of Crossfit, and I eat baked potatoes, rice, and rice milk, corn tortillas, refried beans (from the can), and fruit as carbs.  Sometimes I even have 2 baked potatoes (with butter and full fat sour cream) in one day.

Some days I eat quite a bit of food, and some days I don’t feel as hungry and I eat far less.  It has really varied, but overall, it seems to be working for me as my weight is extremely stable right now.

I am not counting calories, so I have no idea how many calories I’m taking in, but on the days I more, I’m positive my calorie range is somewhere between 2200-2700 I bet.  I’m not a bird eater.

However, I do eat very healthy- even though it’s not low carb, I don’t eat any kind of refined sugar at all, and I’ve been 100% gluten free for 2 years now.

I like to make these updates now and then so that you can see the living proof of long term maintenance of a healthy body after Human Chorionic Gonadotropin  is totally feasible, and not difficult.

Have a nice evening!

Rayzel

April 9, 2014

This is the first of a series of quarterly updates now on how life is going in maintenance mode since ending my last round 16 months ago (actually I just realized it was 17 months- sorry guys- some of these posts I’m working on for 2 months at a time so the timeline gets skewed). Mainly because there is not enough information out there for AFTER hCG. You know, that decades long part of life?  Seems kinda important given the time period it spans.

While I have maintained my weight loss, it’s not like every single day of the last 16 months I’ve been the exact same weight. So I’m hoping that perhaps by sharing my triumphs, my struggles, and how I work at keep things in balance without gaining large amounts of weight back and bringing things back to level on my own when needed, this might aid you in doing the same.

I’ve been pretty much between 123-125 lbs for the most part.  A few highs and a few lows here and there.

So what I have been up to, aside from taking….

80 photos of asparagus

48 photos of yogurt

166 photos of spinach

92 pics of fennel

91 photos of lemons

114 photos of cucumber

and 168 photos of onions?

168 pics of ONIONS??  Yup, true story.  For an up and coming gallery of P2 protocol foods! Now you’re thanking me.

I reached 15% bodyfat.  Man oh man.  I completed hCG 16 months ago at 17.9% bodyfat with 21.3 lbs of fat, and really my goal the majority of this past 16 months has simply been to maintain my level of fat but to gain additional muscle and get stronger at crossfit.

This was after a not so pleasant body fat test done on February 15th, showing a 1lb fat gain and 1lbs LOSS of Muscle – WHAT???

I sat down to analyze what went wrong.  The 1lb fat gain was not such a big deal to me- it’s easy to overeat and the 1lb fat gain was over a period of 4 months since my previous body fat test in October 2013 – that’s easily fixable and understandable.  What didn’t make sense was the muscle loss.  There should have been a muscle increase with 4 additional months of crossfit, a couple which were 4 days a week, and not only did it stay the same, it dropped.

I narrowed down the 3 things I felt may be contributing to this odd outcome:

I was still on a low dose of thyroid medication and realized I probably no longer needed it.

I had gotten lazy about eating protein after workouts – sometimes not getting around to eating a meal till 2-3 hours after crossfit, on a regular basis.

Was fasting intermittently about 1x a week.  Once I bumped up my crossfit to 4 days a week I thought perhaps it was too much for me?

I got off my thyroid medication (that day in fact).  Since the medication I took was active thyroid hormone, T3, also called cytomel, it is a known muscle stripper if taken in excess of what the body needs and can definitely cause muscle loss.  I had other indicators that I no longer needed the additional thyroid hormone, but I had been nervous to actually get off of it.  In fact, I had tried several times in the past several months, but always got nervous that my weight would go up so I would resume taking it.  This time, I felt this was enough proof that I really didn’t need it anymore and that now it was actually making things worse for my body, not better.

Warning!  I was only on a tiny dose so it was okay for me to get off overnight like this.  Had I been on a higher dose I would have had to wean off slowly over time.  Obviously, most people do this with the aid of a doctor.  I have come to find for myself that dosing by symptoms has been better for me, and I got my t3 from Mexico.

I decided to be more responsible about eating soon after my workout – the last 6 weeks I have made sure to come home and cook up some chicken or ground beef right away and eat it, along with either kale salad or some clementines.

I only fasted twice in the past 6 weeks.  However, I actually AM still kind of fasting on a regular basis in the sense that I still don’t eat breakfast and I still often don’t eat before 2pm.  But as far as an actual all day fast where I don’t eat until dinner, which I was doing about 1 day a week prior, I am rarely doing at the moment.  Since I’m crossfitting 4 days a week and then of course on recovery days I feel the need for some fuel, I’m finding there just aren’t as many good opportunities to fast – a day where I’m recovered from a workout and not working out that day are few and far between.  So I made that adjustment to fast less often.

These changes obviously were the right choice for me since I dropped an entire almost 5lbs of fat in the last six weeks and had a gain of 2lbs of muscle.  VERY PLEASED.

The only other thing that changed in the past 6 weeks between these two tests is I had some follow-up lyme disease treatment, and it’s possible that it may have allowed my body to do better.

First I want to make it clear that I have NO testing to prove I have lyme disease.  The testing for this disease is notoriously poor with frequent false negatives.  I came to this conclusion myself after researching the various symptoms and seeing my health decline in a similar fashion over the past 10 years.  I strongly feel that’s what I’ve had all this time.  Back in November, I spent a whole month out of town getting an alternative lyme disease treatment involving cold laser and rife frequencies.  I can only tell you I came home a changed person.  I’ve been so much better since then that it’s like night and day.  But in the last month, I had started to feel like I might be regressing just a tad.  I went in for some follow-up and there did seem to be indication through the muscle testing that I did have some residual lyme going on in the “hatch stage” of the lyme organisms’ life cycle, which I’ve been getting treated for the last 4 weeks.  Once again, I feel improvement in my symptoms.  Whether or not this contributed to such a great body fat test this time around I don’t know.  I’m including it because it’s another “different” thing that was going on during this time.

Dairy free Nut free Gluten free

What I do eat (examples further down): Veggies Meat Occasional grain- usually white rice (when I eat Thai- yum) and organic corn (tortillas and popcorn mostly) Fruit

Eating more raw veggies.

I am eating whole heads of kale for a salad- stuff like that.  Warning though!  This is not something you can just jump into- you need to gradually increase raw veggies you’ll experience some major painful indigestion (don’t ask me how I know).

Getting to Crossfit 4 times a week.

I have been a solid 2-3 time a week crossfit gal for 2 years, but as I’ve gotten stronger and my body has changed I have found I can easily handle going more often without too much soreness.  That being the case, I got in a pretty solid 4 day a week crossfit routine this month- it just feels good and really is something that keeps me grounded.

Occasionally I buy packages of dried fruit- the unsulphured kind- dried mango is a favorite of mine- however I can only do this now and then because invariably I eat way too much it in one sitting and have this sensation that my stomach is fully of a bunch of gummy stuff.  So yes, I do not have completed control over something so sweet at this time, so most of the time, I simply don’t buy it.

I’m a total wuss when it comes to confrontation- no need to explain the details, but in short our landlady got very confrontational with me over a misunderstanding and it was hard for me- I’m a sensitive soul- always have been and I’ve learned to except it.  Since I live a pretty sheltered life- husband treats me great, I work from home so I don’t frequently come into contact with rude strangers etc, it’s rare for me.  I was an emotional mess- the kind where you wander around the house crying and aimlessly cleaning up at the same time while trying to process how you feel.  It was challenging for 2 reasons- first, the fact that I could turn to food to comfort myself, which would have been super bad timing for my body and my emotional health as I had just resolved that day to do some super clean eating for the next week, and 2ndly it happened about an hour before I was supposed to leave for crossfit.  I contemplated not going- I felt horrible and really didn’t want to leave and go work out.  I wanted to sit with my pillow and watch tv with a big bowl of popcorn and one or two P3 smoothies to top it off.

I triumphed on both accounts in the end- my son and I both headed to crossfit (he has his own kids crossfit class once a week as well now and I hated to disappoint him).  I told myself I should at least get myself there and I could always choose to not work out once I was there.  I worked out.  It felt good.  Didn’t take the sadness away but what’s important is that I took care of myself  instead of harming myself because of being hurt by someone else.  I stuck to my commitment to eating clean that day as well- now tears in popcorn bowls that day.

As you can see, I’ve been to crossfit 4 days a week steadily most of the past 3 months.  And it’s felt great!!  Many new accomplishments and PR’s during this time.

Here’s a fairly large meal I had about 4:30pm after coming home from crossfit around 2pm.  It’s leftover pasture raised chicken, sweet potatoes, and hummus for the chicken, with several pats of butter strategically placed all over the dish.  I was full when I finished it.

I thought it would be fun to record my weight before and right after this meal.  Just because we ladies take scale weight a little too much to heart sometimes and forget how much our food weighs when we eat it.

And this is literally at 4:52pm, less than half an hour later after I finished that meal:

Amazing huh! 2lbs worth of food was in that plate.

Here’s some more examples of meals and snacks I eat:

Read/Watch my own hCG Diet Journey As It Unfolded:

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[fashiontrendin-blog]

A Career Q&A With Amelia, Man Repeller’s Head of Creative

http://fashion-trendin.com/a-career-qa-with-amelia-man-repellers-head-of-creative/

A Career Q&A With Amelia, Man Repeller’s Head of Creative

Whether you want to be a scientist, a stylist, a writer, a professional juggler or you have no idea yet, there’s something cathartic in hearing about the multitude of winding paths. That’s why Man Repeller is launching a new series wherein various team members answer your career questions — anything from how they got to where they are to what they wish they’d done differently or what they still hope to do one day. There’s always a lesson to be learned somewhere, a helpful takeaway (even if it occurs to you later), or at the very least, relief in knowing that it’s more than okay if you’re still figuring it out. First up, Amelia Diamond, Head of Creative. Below, she answers nine of the questions recently posed to her on Instagram.

What did you major in in college and did you do any internships?

I was a journalism/mass communication major at Saint Bonaventure University with a minor in visual arts. I loved it but, ironically, by the time I graduated I wanted nothing to do with writing.

I had four internships: One at StyleCaster.com, which I found out about through a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend. I went in as a fashion intern (with no prior experience, which was fine given the initial responsibilities), then switched over to the editorial team, and eventually transitioned onto business development team (and worked on music sourcing and licensing). It’s worth noting that to request a department switch at an internship is murky territory, but you are there to learn, so if you find yourself curious or more interested in another department, talk to your intern manager about other areas where you could be of help on top of your prior commitments. Use your best judgement in terms of what feels appropriate.

I also interned simultaneously at Shumaq, a small clothing label, through that same friend-of-a-friend connection.

I later interned at a fashion PR company Black Frame, which I applied to via Ed2010.com, and got the internship because the hiring manager found my “background” in music interesting; I was editor-in-chief of my school’s campus radio “zine,” and one of my responsibilities at StyleCaster was to secure songs for the website’s videos. Goes to show that you just never know what’s useful on your resume, you don’t have to have identical resumes to everyone you’re ostensibly competing against, and there’s always a way to spin what you’ve learned into useful application for something entirely different.

Finally, I interned at Vogue. I was a fashion assistant first, then became a fashion market intern where I learned about the fashion logistics of photoshoots, which ended up helping me greatly in my first full time job in PR. I got to Vogue thanks to a recommendation made by a former boss at Black Frame. Best way to do this: be open and communicative with your manager about your intended trajectory, goals and end dates so that you don’t catch anyone by surprise. This helps establish the inevitable future conversation where you ask for recommendations and support in your next steps.

I was very, very lucky that my parents supported me through these unpaid internships. One day I would like to repay my parents by buying my dad a pool and my mom a fancy trip to Italy. And a pet lamb.

Was this the career path you expected/had in mind in college? If not, could you explain the journey of getting to where you are now?

No. I wanted to go into advertising for a while, and was very sick of writing by the time I graduated. Also, you should know that I graduated without a job and was terrified. I felt like I was floundering, like I’d never figure it out, like I wasn’t good enough. I was embarrassed to talk to friends who’d started working right away.

If you’re in the same boat, repeat this over and over: There is NO one right path, and while “things happen for a reason” (my favorite thing to say even though it’s admittedly much easier to tell others than myself), you have to seek out opportunities like a truffle pig, be open to the weird openings, and have really honest talks with yourself, constantly, about where you are, where you want to be, and why you want to be in those places. Your first internship does not have to have a fancy name attached it. Your first job does not have to be your dream job. You do not have to make Forbes 30 Under 30, ever.

My first two jobs (the first of which I finally landed thanks to a former boss at Vogue who recommended me) were in public relations, and they were crucial in terms of “fashion world” experience, time-logging within the industry, and contact building. They also taught me that I did not want to do PR!

…And that I was starting to feel the writing bug again.

From there I went to New York Magazine where I sort of had three jobs at once: I was the fashion market assistant, the fashion editor of the twice-yearly New York Weddings, which included styling the cover story — a rare opportunity for sure — and a sometimes-contributor to The Cut where I put together small fashion market stories. The bits of copy I got to do for these reminded me just how “at home” I felt while writing, but the caliber of talent at New York Magazine and The Cut intimidated me to no end. I had zero idea how anyone generated ideas all the time like they did there, and I thought it laughable that I could write anything worth publishing, so I mostly kept quiet about my growing writing aspirations. It was like having a secret talent that you suspect might not actually be that impressive, but really wanting someone to dare you to perform it.

That someone ended up being Leandra. She and I were friends before I started working at Man Repeller, and she brought me on (alongside Charlotte Fassler and Kate Barnett) as the first full-time writer besides her. Here I am, five years later.

Do you feel like a “grown-up” yet? What does it mean to you to feel like an adult? Is it important to you?

Absolutely not, although I have grown up considerably. I had two wild growth spurts as a human: 22 to 26, and 27 to 29. Both of those two chunks feel like different people from the person I am currently typing this at age 30.

Feeling like an adult, to me, means “have your shit together.” Some days I do, most weeks I don’t. Yes, it’s important to me, and I compare myself to others constantly. It can be torturous or motivating depending on the hour.

What do you do when you get writer’s block?

I had the worst bout of writer’s block I’ve had in a while last week, and I’m still in the middle of it. It’s not only infuriating, it can have a terrible effect on your confidence, concentration and mood. The first thing you have to do is ask someone you love to remind you that this is a phase, that it will go away — and that it will return again in the future! But that that’s okay, because it’s part of the process. You have to “forgive yourself,” put in quotes because that sentence makes me feel like Dr. Phil.

You also have to push through it. If you’re on deadline for work, write an outline of what you are trying to say, with a thesis, supporting points, and a conclusion — just like in school. Then fill in the blanks and ask a trusted editor to read. It won’t be your best thing you’ve ever written, but at least you got it off your desk. Pretending you’re texting or emailing a friend is another way out of it because it helps you just SAY WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY when your brain is like: Let’s overthink and overanalyze this.

If you’re blocked on a personal project, write what actually is in your head, even if it’s, “There is nothing in my head. This is stupid. Why am I writing this.” Keep going. Keep going, still! You’ll get something. I learned that trick from The Artist’s Way, which I highly recommend to literally every human on this planet, regardless of creative aspirations.

What is your go-to snack in the MR headquarters?

I usually want something chocolate, but wind up eating whatever free/for-all thing is on the kitchen counter. However, you have to be careful at Man Repeller that you are not accidentally eating a prop before it’s been shot!

When I work from home, I eat a lot of Bagel Chips and peanut M&Ms. Pad Thai as I write this.

How did you learn to have confidence in yourself (your ideas, your decisions, etc.) at work? 

Cheesy answer: I am lucky in that I’m surrounded by people at work and outside work who encourage my ideas and support my decisions. They also challenge me to think about my ideas and decisions in a way that helps me grow and learn.

But also: I have a habit of focusing on the one bad thing (where work is concerned, but also in life!) rather than all the good stuff that happened, all the accomplishments and successes that accumulate over time and are easy to forget. So when I am really down or freaking out or convinced that any moment now, someone will realize they made a massive mistake in hiring me to do XYZ, I try to imagine that am a proud parent…of myself, and I brag to myself about myself. Sometimes I do this in my head, sometimes I write it down, sometimes out loud if I am sure I’m alone.

Also, weird thing to say, but a paycheck helps: no one gives money away out of the goodness of their heart. They pay you because they need your skillset. If you’re not feeling confident about what you’re accomplishing, talk to your manager, because she might have some encouraging words/solutions, then remind yourself that someone is paying you for your skills, that you learned, that you’re able to perform.

How does a young writer get their first byline? Tips for pitching stories to editors?

There were a lot of questions in this vein, and there’s no one “right answer” because there’s a million ways to go about this depending on where you’re pitching, but a short version:

Make a website for yourself. Compile all your published links, if you have them, organized by category: Personal Essay, Reporting, Beauty, etc.

Now, whether or not you’ve been published already, this is important: Upload two to three (to start) clips that adequately show your voice and your technical writing skills — no matter if you wrote them for yourself and no one else. I would rather read something unpublished that gives me a sense of your style and technique than something published but indistinguishable from another writer. Make it clear these are your most “you.”

When you’re pitching stories to editors:

– Email the proper editor. Pitching a culture story? Figure out who the culture editor is and email her directly. – Keep the email short, your pitch clear and well-thought out. – When pitching, think about: Who am I pitching to (is my pitch relevant to this publication, to this editor?) What is the story I will tell, and what’s my point? Why does this story need to be told? How will I tell it, and in how many estimated words? (Will this be reported out, written as a personal narrative?) When can I have it in by? – Link out to two clips in the email that are most relevant to the publication, the editor, and the story you’re pitching. – This is cliché, but despite rejections, keep pitching! Reach out to all sorts of publications until you get your first yes, and then, keep going.

What’s the best career advice you’ve taken?

Best career advice (although I wouldn’t say this applies to a first or second job): Look at your boss, and your boss’s boss. Do you want their jobs? If so, that’s a good thing. If there’s no way in hell you’d want their careers in a few years, then start thinking about the person who does have an appealing job or career to you, and begin researching what she did to get there. Then figure out how to apply that to your life/current situation. Take your vacation days and your sick days. And always ask for help!

Ketchup or mustard?

Mayonnaise! But preferably ketchup, mayo, a mix of the two, and spicy mustard if available.

Photo by Simon Chetrit.

[butterccupp]

1-100 do all those questions u posted a long time ago

1. Is a kiss considered cheating? i think it depends? context is everything2. Have you ever faked orgasm? ,,, yes3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? invisibility maybe? idk maybe mind reading would be cool4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? probably not? i mean hopefully but idk where i will be or what i will be doing5. Tell us some funny drunk story. i have never been drunk yikes6. Why are you no longer together with your ex? just reasons? things weren’t working out7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? SHARK ATTACK8. What are your current goals? idk??? i have a lot but also i don’t really have any9. Do you like someone? u silly10. Who was the last person to disappoint you? myself what’s good :-)11. Do you like your body? very rarely ??? i am v large in many senses and it makes me really self conscious 12. Can you keep a diet? no13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? probably “uhhhhhhh” bc i’m so indecisive and couldn’t think of one thing14. Do you work? i babysit and watch dogs but i don’t have like, a formal job15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? pizza16. Would you get a tattoo? yes there are a few that i want17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? tbh most of mine goes to food and gas18. Can you drive? yes i got my license as soon as i possibly could19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? u tell me all the time babe !!20. What was the last thing you cried for? idk i cry multiple times a day over stupid shit probably bc i was just overwhelmed or sad21. Do you keep a journal? i own lots of journals and i would love to keep one but i’m too inconsistent22. Is life fun? life is what u make of it my dude23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant? yes? everybody does it like ???? wtf24. What’s your dream car? a range rover would be nice, but i also want a big jeep wrangler25. Are grades in school important? idk i mean i have a 5.0 gpa so yes??? but also in the grand scheme of things no26. Describe your crush. brown eyes, curly hair, the most STUNNING smile i have ever seen, cute dimples, u27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? i don’t really remember? i haven’t been interested in a book or movie for a long time rip28. What was your last lie? uhhh last night i told myself i was going to get up and write a speech this morning 29. Dumbest lie you ever told? idk?? i’m not a great liar so nothing too bad30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing? yes but it happens so frequently that i don’t really care anymore31. Something you did and you are proud of? worked my butt off for four years & i’m graduating 2nd in my class32. What’s your favourite cocktail? nothing33. Something you are good at? school34. Do you like small kids? yes my 2 yr old twin cousins are my favorite thing35. How are you feeling right now? tired and overwhelmed. i think frazzled is appropriate 36. What would you name your daughter/son? florence!!!! i lov that name37. What do you need to be happy? minimal stress. u don’t hurt either :’)38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? no i’m not a violent person tbh39. What was the last gift you received? a gift from my kindergarten teacher for graduation40. What was the last gift you gave? i bought the new urban decay palette for my mom today for mother’s day41. What was the last concert you went to? julien baker in pittsburgh42. Favourite place to shop at? like for clothes?? i get a lot of them at tj maxx or marshall’s or target or even charlotte russe43. Who inspires you? my mom, my english teacher, u44. How old were you when you first got drunk? ?????45. How old were you when you first got high? also ???????46. How old were you when you first had sex? 1647. When was your first kiss? 13 maybe ?? it was this boy in my neighborhood bc i was starting to get real feelings for girls and i thought if i kissed him it would fix it. clearly that didn’t work48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? date u :)49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? i wish i wouldn’t have wasted so much time & energy on ppl that didn’t matter50. Post a selfie. idk how to do that in this on the app ??? i guess i could actually post one after this51. Who are you most comfortable around? u52. Name one thing that terrifies you. not being in control of my life, bugs living inside of me, moving water, disappointing the people i love, not meaning anything to people, idk i’m really scared of a lot of things53. What kind of books do you read? memoirs & biographies & nonfiction in general54. What would you tell your 12 year old self? tell your mom how you’re feeling, get into therapy now and maybe things will be easier down the road55. What is your favourite flower? i really like sunflowers and peonies 56. Any bad habits you have? so many, i gnaw my fingers until they bleed it’s pretty bad 57. What kind of people are you attracted to? people named hannah :)58. What was the last thing you cried for? didn’t i already answer this idk it was probably because i was stressed59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? no i’m usually really open to trying foods 60. Are you in love? yes wow61. Something you find romantic? when u rub ur thumb on my face, it’s v small but makes me feel v happy and safe62. How long was your longest relationship? how long have we been dating idk63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? high school girls in particular are v caught up in irrelevant things and like to start useless drama64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? literally everything men just annoy me in general65. What are you saving money for? traveling to london this summer!!66. How would you describe your bad side? i’m very particular and controlling and obsessive and perpetually stressed67. Are you actually a good person? Why? i like to think so68. What are you living for? lots of things69. Have you ever done anything illegal? i mean i’ve probably run a red light once or twice, i’m not a very risky person70. Do you like your body? didn’t i already answer this too?71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? never, i think that’s a pretty shitty thing to do72. Ever sent nudes? yes73. Have you ever cheated on someone? no74. Favourite candy? sour patch kids 75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!@tyegerlily :)76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? no i don’t really play games77. Favourite TV series? the office78. Are you religious? Does God exist? no, yes79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? uhhhh probably the color purple for my junior AP english assignment, i really liked it yes80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? i wish that it was more feasible for me but i just can’t pull it off currently81. How long have you been on Tumblr? only a few months w this blog but like 5 years in total82. Do you like Chineese food? yes83. McDonalds or Subway? subway84. Vodka or whiskey? neither85. Alcohol or drugs? neither86. Ever been out of your province/state/country? i’ve been out of the state, and i’m going out of the country for the first time this summer87. Meaning behind your blog name? it’s something that u call me :’)88. What are you scared of? i already answered this too wtf89. Last time you were insulted? idk honestly90. Most traumatic experience ? my grandma’s death rlly fucked me up, also my experiences w aforementioned first kiss boy91. Perfect date idea? spending time with u!!!!!92. Favourite app on your phone? sandbox it’s a coloring app and it’s v relaxing93. What colour are the walls in your room? ugly brown wood paneling94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? yeah but most of the time it’s just ted talks or vine compilations95. Share your favourite quote. “we all impact the world around us every day. we have to decide what kind of difference we want to make.” or something like that from jane goodall96. What is the meaning of life? i think it’s to make each other’s lives a bit easier97. Do you like horror movies? no they give me panic attacks98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? idk she cried when i came out to her and sometimes she cries if i tell her that my mental health isn’t great99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way? yeah i think i’m a pretty lucky person100. Can you keep a secret? yes