#my knee really fucking hurts bc my JOINT is INFLAMED bc I'm an ELDERLY WOMAN at the ripe old age of NINETEEN

[daydadahlias]

it depends on the story for me. i once read a fan fiction where the entire thing was basically an ace and allosexual character traumatizing each other over and over because they just couldn't make it work. and a lot of them revolve around forcing compromise that leaves neither party happy or fulfilled even if the writer insists that they are. asexual characters are not a full stop do not read but a lot of times how they end up reading makes me feel sick with guilt for both parties if one character is ace and the other is not. personally i would like more fics where both characters are ace or where sex/intimacy is explored safely and without trauma because most ace fics revolve around trauma. and even ace/allo fics where the characters are just content to be.

ok it's jessay time bb

I have so many thoughts about this and I'm trying to figure out the best way to organize them. I'll just go right out and say that I don't commonly trust fics that are tagged with an asexual character. Not because I don't love asexuality awareness (I do!) but because I worry about how the author will portray the character's asexuality. Because - like in the fic you're referencing - they do it in a very unhealthy, problematic way. They often do it in a way that greenlights dubious consent and coercion without calling it by that name (often disguising it as compromise).

So many fics with asexual characters at their center hinge on the idea that a person owes their partner sexual intimacy. These stories waste their narrative having their asexual character fret about sex (and in often cases, forces their asexual character to attempt sex with their partner and traumatize themselves in the process which is so fucked up and also so fucking triggering).

The fic you're referencing isn't the only fic I've seen do this. I always get VERY concerned when I see a fic with the tag "asexual character" that's also rated explicit or mature because (in every case I've seen) that is code for "one character is about to force themselves to attempt having sex with their partner despite not wanting to (just so they can break it off at the end so their partner truly knows they're asexual)." And the authors of these fics treat this as if it isn't a very serious form of assault.

When I was going off about consent so heavily several months ago, this was one of the fics that was at the fore-front of my brain considering the author of this fic didn't realize this was dub-con. Most readers wouldn't either, though! (Hence all my frantic postings about the subject). Because the allo person isn't forcing themselves on the ace it doesn't come off as so wrong; the ace is forcing themselves to please the allo person as a display of love, so surely this can't be assault, right? Wrong! That is assault! If a person doesn't want to have sex, they shouldn't be having sex!

You never owe your partner sexual intimacy.

I think most asexual fics focus so much on the sex portion of things that we lose any other type of intimacy between the characters, just as you said. Do these characters even have chemistry outside of trying to sexually traumatize each other?

I understand that part of the asexual experience is worrying about finding a partner who will be okay with the whole "no sex" thing (considering literally only 1% of the population is ace and the rest of y'all experience sexual desire which must be crazy, how's that going for you?), and I'm not saying it shouldn't come into play when writing an asexual character (bc I do like reading about that perspective considering it is my own! I don't experience desire/lust whatsoever and it would be nice reading about it because it would make me feel less alienated). But I hate that in 90% of asexual narratives, the asexual's only personality trait is "oh my God, oh no, how can my partner ever love me if I can't sexually please them?" and then use that as an explanation/excuse as to why they force themselves into uncomfortable sexual scenarios for their partner (oftentimes without telling their partner that they're uncomfortable which I can't express enough is Not Okay At All. Intimacy is a two-way street. You have to tell your partner if things get scary/too much for you. There's no other way they'll know to stop).

I would personally really like to not read any more fics about asexual people being forced into predatory/unsafe sexual situations just to "prove" that they're actually asexual.

I don't need to see an ace character almost get raped every fic to know they're ace. They can just say "I'm ace" and I'll believe them.

I personally would like less drama surrounding ace characters. Now, obviously, I'm all for stories that discuss sexual trauma because I think those stories need to be told (and are so rarely told honestly/correctly in widespread media). But not all ace people are sexually traumatized. Some ace people just, shocker here, don't want to have sex. Not because they're scared of it, even. Just because it doesn't interest them. And you can tell their stories too.

Sex doesn't need to be scary to all asexuals. Literally all asexual means is (n) a person who has no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone.

Where in that definition does it say they have to be absolutely horrified of sex? (Now, ofc, some aces are vehemently sex-repulsed (hi my name's Jess, nice to meet you) but not all are).

I would like to just read a normal fic about a normal couple that reads the same as any other fic does. And then, at some point in the story, one or both of the characters can go, "oh, btw, I'm ace so I don't want to have sex with you. But I love holding your hand/kissing your cute face," or some dumb simple shit like that. I just want it to be easy for them. I don't need the ace character to break down crying and claim they're unloveable and a failure of a partner every time they confess their identity.

And I also don't need the allosexual person to give up sex for them. People should be allowed to enjoy sex. And a lot of the problems I see in ace/allo fics is that the allo person formerly loves sex but then entirely gives it up for the ace person because the ace person makes them. And, I'm sorry if this sounds rude to some, but that's not fair nor is it okay. If the allo person loves sex, they shouldn't have to give that up. So I would like fics of ace people falling for other ace people, or sex-indifferent people.

I don't need sex to be the ultimate sacrifice. Sex is completely natural. Sex is a beautiful thing! And I think if a person loves sex, they shouldn't have to give it up for their partner. But I also think that an ace person shouldn't be forced to have sex either. There are healthy middle grounds between those two ultimatums. It doesn't have to be so sacrificial all the time. And it's really problematic that so many narratives claim that it does.

Y'know, I've said multiple times that I hate soulmate aus, and this mindset regarding asexuality is why. Because I can't suspend disbelief enough to not think about what if I were in a soulmate world and I was ace and my soulmate was allo. I can't not think about that and it's why I will never feel safe reading those fics.

Ace people have relationships with allo people. Not all asexuals are aro and not all asexuals are sex-repulsed either. Some are rather sex-positive because they enjoy seeing their partner experience pleasure. I wouldn't mind reading a fic like that!

I would, in general, just like to read more fics about asexual characters where, y'know,,, the asexual character isn't assaulted at some point in them to prove the validity of their asexuality. But sometimes it seems even that's asking too much.