#my inability to function like a normal person in group settings......... i'd say it should be studied but ig it has been 💀💀💀

[indigodawns]

.

[0thsense]

5/27/2023

Welp it's been about a month since I've returned from Korea. I've decided (for now) to not follow a consistent format for these posts and just write however I feel like for that day. For today I just wanna snapshot how im feeling. Yesterday I went on a hike with Carter and Martin which was nice since I havent talked to Carter in a while. He might move away soon and so might Martin, which makes me sad. I've thought about it for a while but I need to make new friends if both of them leave. I guess I should build up the willpower to go to church with Austin. I also saw James recently, maybe I can be closer with him.. but he will always have a different core group of friends.

What really triggered me to write a blog today was the fact that at this point in my life any attempt to derive self-worth from any external or even *internal factors is unstable/failing. by internal I mean things like my own capabilities or value props to society. Clearly from an outside perspective my value is in question, being unemployed for like 2.5 years now. From an internal perspective I also feel worthless a lot of the time because of my inability to work towards any of the goals I set for myself. So where then can I derive any sense of self-worth? I think it's not viable to live life thinking that I'm worthless. So I guess I have to try to believe that I and by extension everyone has innate self worth, regardless of their value to anyone else. Sounds suspiciously close to christianity lol. so yea I just have to believe it. My current desperate line of reasoning for it is that everybody has a story and everybody's story is beautiful. The implication of this is that you have to even believe people like serial killers are not exempt from having this innate value. I remember reading about Albert Fish and his quote "I don't even know why I'm here". Obviously an extreme example but the world isn't built for everyone. Some people are a good fit for today's society and others like me struggle some more. It is an easy way of thinking to judge people's worth in the context of today's society, and for many people thinking like that is perfectly functional. Probably they look down at least subconsciously at copers like me and just think we are weak for not being able to succeed in the current world parameters. For me it just brings sadness, and I'd rather think that everyone's human story is beautiful.

I remember that I used to derive self-worth just by knowing that I'm smart. taking IQ tests was therapeutic seeing the high number affirm myself. more and more though as I realized IQ is only one of a long string of coefficients in the formula of your productive worth, and as I realized some of my other coefficients are sorely lacking, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to change them, this store of self-worth eroded. wow that sentence was terribly constructed but it is what it is.

Not related but I want to clarify that my self-worth idea is one step further than the surface level online advice, which is to not base your self-worth on what others think of you. The normal idea is that you should have a stable idea of your own self, for example let's say you believe that you are good-looking, then if someone insults you and says you're ugly you will not be too affected by it. But what if your stable idea of your own self is both accurate and also not very worthy. For an extreme example what if you know that you're an ugly stupid mean person who brings no value to society? Then you must believe in the innate value that all humans have, and believe that you are worth just as much as anybody else in this sense. Otherwise how can you live a viable life?

I guess for some quick updates I still go to the gym though I need to go more regularly, and I'm trying my best to do things like going out on hikes, etc. I'm not as depressed as I was earlier this year though it's still tough sometimes. I tell myself I will move if nothing changes in a year, and that really scares me. I'm deathly scared of moving and just failing at a normal job. Then I'll feel like all my doors are truly closed. Pray for me if that happens. Writing this wasn't as therapeutic as I thought it would be. I wonder why. Maybe this reflection of myself is too dull. I am struggling deeply to really believe in my own self-worth. If I can't do this step then it feels doomed. I will have to try to find self-worth in the conventional fashion which I've been failing at for so long.