#my god she is just so exhausting
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no cause i thought abt the talk i had with this gender psychologist or whtever the hell she is and got so mad again
#it was so infantilizing#that she thinks my social anxiety is the reason i dont go out a lot#and not the fact i just dont want to#which ive told her multiple times#and ive said my anxiety is under control im fucking fine and she suggests i go back to therapy#are you even listening lady??#she thinks because i dont give a shit that im in a little safety bubble no maam i just dont give a flying fuck#i say i do weightlifting and she says i should do sports???#i just feel like she has an image of all her patients and has her sentences and things prepared#and i dont fit into it so she tries to force me into it#i asked her if we could do these talks via zoom in the future cause its a 1 and a half hour ride to see her and the same back home#and mind u our talks are like 30 minutes long#and she says no she thinks its better i come there so i get out of the house#literally go fuck yourself#youre not my therapist and im here because im trans not because i have anxiety#which is under control. which ive said multiple fucking times#my god she is just so exhausting#and she makes it so awkward i come in and shes just like looking at me and waiting for me to talk#wtf am i supposed to say i didnt do shit and my genders still the same#and she asks me every single session about getting my name and gender legally changed#and i say maam there is no fucking rush i am very much still seen as a woman itd be weird if my id said male as of now#also i dont have the money#she says well its only like 75 franks. I DONT HAVE THE MONEY I KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS#MEINE GÜTE
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what a fucking week (it’s 2 pm on a monday)
#i’m gonna have a very therapeutic lay on the ground for an hour tonight#i’m so fucking exhausted#also unrelated but vaguely related#the other day i told my supervisor i didn’t know how to do something she asked me to do#which was very hard for me! bc i’m not good at asking for help bc i don’t like to be annoying#anyways i asked her on friday and she never responded and i was like ‘ok she’s probably gone for the weekend and she’ll answer on monday’#then i looked today and she just reacted with a 👍 to my message instead of. telling me how to do it#so i’m still stressed out about that but. girl i am so tired#i also promised myself i won’t get high in the middle of the week this week. so this is a test from god#and i may fail that test#we’ll try again next week#personal
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omg sparrow fur just got confirmed to become the second leader of skyclan
Ok, that's good. I'll have to think of how to go foward from here.
If Sparrow Heart had died before taking leadership, I was going to write that as her being INFURIATED by it. Remembered forever as Skystar's stooge, his general, his loyal servant, but never having power of her own. And, generations later, she'd grab for it in any way possible.
With her being Sparrowstar, I'm going to keep her ambition and desire for power, but she had a chance to enact her vision in life. She was the first cat to inherit 9 lives, even, with how BB!Skystar is the first leader to die. She continued his "legacy," not out of any actual love or respect to him, but because it's HER TURN.
All these years of groveling, of having to bend and bargain around the desire of stronger cats, now it's HERS. She is the one who bargains, who makes others grovel. No one will make her scared and powerless ever again.
It's going to continue the ferocious rivalry between SkyClan and ThunderClan, especially as Owlstar takes power. Sparrowstar is definitely gone by the time of the River Kingdom's succession crisis, though, she's too battle hungry to rule for so long.
Or maybe Sparrowstar will end up inventing some kitty war crimes and become one of the first Dark Forest cases. After all, it's very in-character of BB!Skystar to not officialize an heir, and force Sparrow Heart to have to carve a path through his bio-kits for the power she is owed...
(Mumbling to self: and then that makes a pretty interesting claim for SkyClan during the River Kingdom succession crisis... "we need no claim to your throne to take it from you")
We'll see!
#better bones au#BB!DOTC#BB!Sparrowstar#Your honor. Women.#Still really fond of the 'arent you tired of being nice. Dont you just want to go apeshit' characterization#In any case I promise to treat her right I love violent women <3#Her mom bumble is so conflicted OH my god#Juicy juicy juicy setup#Brother vs Sister as their exhausted mother who has had so much loss watches on helplessly#All of her friends are gone#She's just got her Emotional Support Grand High Priestess of a Slain God#Obsessed with this whole little overhauled family actually#Dyspraxic translator mother. Tragic angel guardian. Blood God Enthusiast who is actually a chill stepmom#And their children. Become-What-You-Hate and her brother Autistic Owl Man. They are powerful dictators.
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Let her grieve
#since we've been uh. deconstructing prism's mental state..have some sad ship art.#it's been a hot minute since I last properly did digital art but i have found my drawing tablet pen and.....oh it's good to be back#sigh i just. i don't think i want prism to grieve alone she deserves better than that#her bobots are gone...phoenix go hug her...please ..#i originally had her crying but idk..the pose changed by the time I finished the sketch she looked more exhausted#and i was like yeah i'll roll with that and she probably just calmed down or something#also um! never drawn two human characters ineract before (properly/intimately) so! obligatory it might look a little off#and directional lighting. god im not used to doing it outside realism#i digress... i love they#ieytd#i expect you to die#[agent moose's art]#agent phoenix#roxana prism#roxanix#creator and me
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^_^
#very very excited about surgery like i know in a year it wont even be an issue and ill be extra happy i did it#I've kinda gotten past the anesthesia fear and i lived thru the MRI needle in my awrm so#the IV wont be too horrendous.#so right now my biggest worry is the After....#ive seen ppl say they were mostly resting in bed for like 2 or 3 days#and after that they just had to take it easy to get around but idk. im so nervous about That Part.#+ i cant. fall asleep on my back. lol. im terrified#i rly hope im so exhausted on that first day that i jst knock out upon getting home ykwim#being too aware of pain in the body makes me feel cornered in it sometimes ykwim. like i want to jump out of it ! nervous#i rly hope it doesnt hurt too bad!!!!!!! i know ppl say it feels like sore abs after workout but idk. idk nervous#talkys#especially since i have work to do! i hate feeling lazy. i dont even take naps bc i feel like its laziness i cant be out of commission for#a couple of days. WAH.#my friend had an adjacent surgery and said she woke up in a lot of pain! they obvs administered pain management#immediately but oh god. ykwim. im scared of waking up in a lot of pain being in a lot of pain
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Local parent visits child and comments on the shyness of one of the cats in the household, child decides not to mention that said cat has literally never met a human she didn't try to climb like a cat tree while headbutting them for attention, more at 11
#gee mom i wonder why lup wouldn't like you#would it happen to have anything to do with your approaches to cat training and child rearing which involved a lot of screaming?#maybe she smells it on you that if she tried to meow at you#you might try to 'train' her out of it by yowling in her face like you did to all of YOUR cats#maybe she just smells it on you that you slapped the shit out of me one time because I flipped you off during an argument#anyway lup hates mom and yelled at me about having let her take over lup's space for like 10min after they left#i apologized and will fo so again tonight with catnip and dehydrated salmon#amara did great tho! mostly disliked rene (lmao correctly smelling the man on her I think but that's a whole separate thing that happened#god my parents are exhausting#they weren't even over for 5 whole hours and I have a cramp in my shoulder and a fuckening migraine#oh! she did at least bring me a better migraine abortive#i'll take that when I get home and massage some oil into my neck before heating it#oh man#a massage oil heatpack on my shoulders and hips sounds incredible right now I really should make a rice sack for that eventually#should buy myself some yarn this month and knit things
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there is a toddler in a stroller on the bus and he's being mostly behaved, occasionally yelling or whatever. but he just stuck the entire toe of his shoe in his mouth. and I looked up to see a random middle aged woman sitting across from us is just making direct eye contact with him and silently shaking her head so disapproving.
#u just KNOW she's a mom#hasn't flinched once at the screams#she looks so exhausted too. ma'am it's only monday but god damn me too#ace txt#guys i love the bus so much#i return to my night bus journeys next week everyone wish me luck
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how do u say hi without being super awkward... anyways hi!! hru!! I literally had to force myself to click the ask button from how high I am, haha :D
Half jokes aside, just wanted to check up on you. Kinda worried i guess?? Idk my older brother instincts were SCREAMING at me to send an ask. So um... Here I am. Just wanted to say, I care abt you a lot and i love you sm /p despite not interacting much. I know you already have people you trust more than me but, I'm always here if you ever wanna vent/rant.
Thought I'd let you know because, idk I consider you a close moot, as weird as that is
Hi um wow this is kind of impeccable timing because my parents are being my parents and not trusting me to handle my life again and they got mad at me for taking a “two hour” break (I was working on my hw throughout that said break) and calling my friends when I literally am stuck in school for nine hours all day and like. Idk sometimes I don’t think they understand how much I’m trying to not ruin my life!! Because if it were completely up to me I’d just do whatever the fuck I want and then end it once I’m like 18 or something but I’m trying my best not to go that path and I don’t. I don’t think they realize that!!! So!! 😬
#I told my mom I’m stuck at school for nine hours and she went “well I’m stuck at work for over ten”#Okay. Cool. So what does that have to do with ME feeling tired??#Yeah!! You’re also tired!!!!! I get that!!!!!!! But??? Your exhaustion doesn’t negate or dismiss mine??????#I’m just so done with their parenting#My dad is always like “we’re trying our best”#Okay yeah I’m also trying MY best but for whatever reason you guys aren’t satisfied with that??#Why do I have to deal with your shitty ass parenting and be okay with it when you people aren’t okay with me “ruining my life”#I just. God they make me want to give everything up so bad#They trap a wild bird inside a bird cage and berate it’s singing when it’s doing the best it can in it’s conditions#And then they get mad when it stops singing#Sorry I didn’t mean to ramble um anyways yeah thanks for checking in big bro we don’t chat much but like#You’re a really comforting figure in my life#We don’t have to talk often to be close dw#purple.txt [👾]
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people doing this whole "look at how rhaenys acted with corlys's bastard son vs how catelyn acted with jon snow" to demonize one or the other is weird because, like, maybe it's just me, but i think that catelyn and rhaenys had different reactions because they're different people in different situations.
#personal#like they're clearly very different people with different personalities#hell even the situations are different#rhaenys kinda stumbles upon corlys's bastard whose name i don't know cuz i'm not watching this season just kinda in passing#she knew he existed but didn't really have to deal with it at all#meanwhile ned comes home with this baby he says is a product of cheating and just goes 'he's living here now'#there's no space for catelyn to separate herself from the betrayal of fidelity the way that there likely was for rhaenys#like i'm not catelyn's biggest fan#not just because of her treatment of jon (altho yeah i'll be honest i'm not a fan) but there's stuff about her personality#and how she views the world and what being in her head is like that can rub me the wrong way#(she's just so constantly judgy and rude about nearly everyone she doesn't know and even some that she does and it can get exhausting)#but she's a different person to rhaenys and also occupies a different role than she does#rhaenys has a lot more going for her in her marriage than just being corlys's wife#she's got the bluer blood as a targaryen princess she's got a dragon she's got power and influence in her own right#meanwhile catelyn doesn't have nearly as much#she's a lord's daughter yeah but in this entirely new kingdom where she is now her power comes from being ned's wife#and mother to his children#in her head jon is a threat to that power due to being not only a reminder of ned's infidelity but also how his placement could supplant#her children and thus herself by extension#along with her just having a different personality to rhaenys that makes her harsher about it#(i mean i still don't LIKE that she takes it out on jon who certainly didn't ask to be born but i at least understand from characterization#and again: they're different people! no shit they'd react differently!#i'm just baffled at this attempt to pit GOT characters against HOTD characters all the time it's so weird#like now there's people arguing who's better between jace and robb stark and i'm just left baffled#do y'all literally not know how to consume content in any other way except petty fandom wars? my god you're annoying
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maybe i'm just a failure of a person but working full time means i genuinely have trouble keeping my damn place clean not to mention make doctor appointments so i put them off for weeks but it's fine it's all good lol
#like the past two weeks its also just bc of constant extreme migraines for sure#& that happened to be in the same time period my dog reacted badly to new wet food i got her so she spent 4 to 5 days shitting on the floor#so that did a number on me lol and i have not been doing any cleaning other than cleaning after her those couple days and so now its like#oh my god theres so much to clean and dirty laundry and cutlery i didnt bother washing immediately#anyways ignore this i needed to vent a little bc im exhausted and idk when im gonna do this now bc i have only two free days#until this month ends#and not in a row#and one is for vet visit with my dog#so.
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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode
#crow.txt#the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god#can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done#be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else#i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later#i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now#what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today#including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus#like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted#and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn#its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care#but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either#bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual#and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just#walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was#guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm
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based on your asks responses & characterization of yuuta this is what i’ve gathered — yuuta is like that one high school senior who looked at the new coming freshman’s & just adopted them on the spot. there’s no out. now his friends sees the kid & adopted them too. it’s a family now. a very young, close in age family. (i was yuuta in this situation 😔 i was use to be megumi in this situation but i carried the tradition out. as i should. high school & middle school was wild.)
YUUJI THOUGH. we will probably never see him in your sea glass garden au but your asks is killing me. like his one sided beef with yuuta? he’s just like me fr. i too would fight over megumi if it comes down to it.
i just know yuuji thought that yuuta & megumi was a thing at first cause of the whole “his boy thing”. i know he screamed into a pillow about it. i know he went to gojo to ask for permission to court megumi & gojo was flabbergasted at such a medieval act so he had yuuji do the dumbest shit to get his blessing (ha).
i just know nanami is sighing at the idea of his son yuuji being a jealous little brat because of his other son yuuta. i just know yuuta was so confused until he witnessed yuuji & megumi awkward ass flirting. i know he acts like a little shit to get on yuuji (& sukuna) nerves.
you know what. this is my jujutsu kaisen. this is my sorcery fight. gege who? i only know you. PLS TAKE THE PEN FROM GEGE.
Yuuta is absolutely that senior who adopted that new student and made a little family. That is His Kohai now okay megumi is their collectively raised flour sack baby and they will kill for him.
Yuuji came back to life finally met the second years had just leveled up with his cursed energy and gained a new dad got his old friends back he was so so ready to go live his best life and then his new self appointed brother opened his mouth and started rhapsodizing about some impossibly beautiful and perfect man named okkotsu yuuta and yuuji is absolutely whacked in the face a la rubber squeaky hammer that there’s some gorgeous son of a bitch out there already living his best life.
His death sentence was overturned. He’s so powerful that he can save everyone if he wants. He is the legally adopted child of Nanami Kento. The curse attached to him 1) actually liked him and 2) moved the fuck on which some people (Sukuna) could take a few notes on.
Fushiguro Megumi is his boy.
This could not have devastated him more thoroughly. Even his newly acquired self appointed brother thinks okkotsu yuuta is the perfect man, which he manages to express at length in between warnings from the second years that Yuuta’s going to fly back from Africa purely for the sake of kicking his fucking ass for touching His Boy, which yuuji simply cannot handle.
Yuuji lowkey had a new lease on life and thought “hey! Fushiguro tried to kill someone with an elephant for me! Maybe I have a shot and he’ll let me hold his hand!” and then there’s god’s perfect man off in Africa who’s enticing megumi away from movie marathons with his fucking FaceTime calls right when yuujis almost hyped himself up enough to try the yawning arm stretch thing.
He spends at least three weeks trying to figure out if Megumi’s His Boy because they’re in a long distance relationship and it only ends because maki starts finding it more annoying than funny and establishes that it is not in fact a romantic arrangement. She thinks. (Okay it’s still kind of funny.)
Yuuji resorted to a terrible wikihow on how to get someone to date you and it insisted “get their parents approval” was his in and gojo could NOT have been more of an asshole about it. Nanami had to intervene to get it to stop. He is very tired and very confused. Why are you so upset about okkotsu he’s a lovely young man why is this making you more upset
Of course if yuuji ever found out that megumi became Yuuta’s boy after Yuuta personally restarted his heart he’d instantly understand why everyone acts like Yuuta’s the best thing since sliced bread. He is that amazing.
Yuuta and Megumi are completely oblivious to all of this.
Gege pls call me I just want to help gege pls
#sea glass gardens#just remember YOU can forcibly displace gege and turn the creative property over to me#I will be making several. SEVERAL. changes.#yuuji absolutely goes back into his room and screams into his pillow over Yuuta#he was going to try to hold Megumi’s hand and Megumi left to go talk to Yuuta just because he was ‘calling all the way from Africa’ and ‘the#movie ended five minutes ago why were you just sitting there looking like you were really stressed are you okay itadori’#nobara is exhausted just watching this#she’s the most homophobic lesbian alive why do lgbtq things happen to people who don’t deserve it#god she just wants a girlfriend with a sword and these fucking assholes are the ones who get their high school romance they don’t even#APPRECIATE the gay things happening to them#ignoring all canon since we’re never getting there in sea glass gardens#when Yuuta’s coming back from Africa Megumi’s very simply stating that Yuuta’s an important person in his life and he’s glad yuuji wjll#meet him soon which might as well be a DECLARATION OF UNDYING LOVE yuuji has a total crisis#yuuta gets off the plane and fucking hugs megumi yuuji had to get boyfriend privileges to do that who is this son of a bitch#gojo watching this: do you think I can get yuuji to wash my car again if I tell him I’ll distract Yuuta so he can take Megumi on a date#Nanami: why on earth would okkotsu need to be distracted for that to happen#gojo: that’s the beauty of it it is in no way necessary but yuuji doesn’t seem to know that
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never stops being funny to me how everyone at the gym assumes im FAR more competent than I actually am without question. went to a roped sesh w one of my clubs bc they asked for novices to come along so the ppl training for the climbing qualification could get some hours in teaching ppl the basics & I wanted to learn. two climbing friends ask me if I've memorised the handbook for the assessment yet and are genuinely surprised when I tell them I'm not on the course. the instructor running the qual course (again, who I'm friends with) goes around and points out who's on the course and who's here as a novice to the assessor who had just dropped by, gets to me and goes oh yeah you're on the course too right? nope. then he goes ah but still they're a competent climber. nope again. pure novice. literally here bc I don't even know how to tie in and belay mate, u know that bc you've rope climbed with me before and had to fill out a supervision form bc im not signed off!! theres not even that many ppl DOING the course i dont know why he associates me with it. the first time I rocked up at one of the rope sessions the same guy (who, btw, has a hyperfixation on climbing safety & gear and is a fucking stickler for it & calls literally everyone else out abt it!!) asked if I could lead belay him - IM NOT QUALIFIED. TO LEAD CLIMB LET ALONE LEAD BELAY!!!!! then today they move on to gear and everyone is surprised I don't have my own belay device or harness. IM NOT SIGNED OFF. TO BELAY. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW. THATS WHY IM HERE. I EXCLUSIVELY BOULDER. YOUVE NEVER SEEN ME DO ANYTHING ELSE. WHY WOULD I OWN ANY ROPED GEAR???? also bear in mind I'm a solid 10-15 years younger than the instructor & most ppl doing the course like where the hell are u getting this impression from guys 😭😭
#i know these ppl thru bouldering at the same gym & im a solid climber but i have no formal training whatsoever#ive never sent a v5 (difficulty level) yet and EVERYONE IS SURPRISED WHEN I SAY THAT. ive been bouldering w u guys for MONTHS#if i could climb v5 you wouldve SEEN ME DO IT !! im not holding back !!#ppl gush abt my technique like girl let me state again i have zero training no knowledge and am intermediate at best. youre all insane#ppl outside of the gym rly assume im a 14 year old boy while ppl at the gym assume im in my mid 30s and a grizzled climbing expert.#zero middle ground. maybe its just bc im butch and generally come across very confident & self assured in person....who fucking knows#im not a bad climber and i think ive naturally picked up some technique bc good technique makes climbing smoother n easier but pls...#had to put my birth year on the form for someone to supervise me today and she was like oh my god youre a babe. i thought u were my age#GIRL YOU JUST TOLD ME U PUT A MORTAGE ON A HOUSE DOWN TODAY. WE ARE IN CONPLETELY DIFFERENT LIFE STAGES#not mad or anything i think its rly funny just so baffling ajdkfjfk#ANYWAY I NEED TO SLEEP IM SO EXHAUSTED GOODNIGHT LOVE U ALL BYE BYE BYE#.diaries
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My gf and I just completed an extremely taxing move almost entirely on our own that was made even more difficult bc we were moving out of a roach-infested apartment and trying to make sure we didn't take any with us. We weren't able to pack anything up in advance bc roaches love cardboard boxes so we had to pack everything day-of (after thoroughly inspecting it all) and then immediately load the boxes into my car. One of my friends got COVID and another was having a chronic pain flareup so they couldn't help, and Trixie's friends who had all said well in advance that they were going to help us move on Saturday all bailed on us when the day actually came. Saturday was also the only day we could take our old furniture to the dump, but due to no one showing up to help we took too long to load it and missed our window and had to pay junk movers to come get it from us instead. My partner and I have spent the last five days doing nothing but packing and moving furniture and boxes (up and down stairs at both locations) making countless trips back and forth, and in between all of that I've also had to deal with pet sitting AND my college assignments. We were down to the wire today on our very last day to vacate our apartment, on a Monday when both of us had to go in to work bc we didn't know we would still be moving after not having any help on Saturday. We are both mentally and physically exhausted, and now that it's all over here we still have to unpack all of our everything
BUT! We're in a nice new apartment now with no roaches! It's bigger and it's pretty and it has two (2) bathrooms and a balcony and a fireplace and lots of windows that let in natural light and we (and our cats) absolutely love it. We're so so happy to be here and to no longer have to put up with our old place
And although we had to get rid of our couch and mattress for fear of roaches, we found a new couch and a new mattress that are even better than our old ones at very good prices (the mattress is queen-size! the couch folds out into a sleeper for our friends!)
And while I was carrying a box in I ran into one of my new neighbors who was walking his dog and he gendered me correctly, confidently, multiple times without hesitation. His puppy started pulling on its leash to try to run over to me and he jokingly told the dog "You can't help them. You can't help them! You don't have any hands, you can't help them!"
And then when I went to the store to pick up more supplies a woman stopped me to really excitedly tell me that my hair (side-shave mullet) was "so fly"
So yeah. All in all. I think I've had a great weekend
#rambling#i was genuinely surprised by getting gendered correctly#i was the only one there at the time so i know it wasnt just a plural they#like. im used to people correcting themselves back and forth between she and he (maybe even landing on an uncertain they? in the end)#im used to people giving me a hesitating almost scared ...they... when they cant decide if he or she is right and they dont want to offend#but this is only the second time ever that a complete stranger has confidently referred to me as they with no hesitation whatsoever#and he did it multiple times in a row! im still happy about that#AND the person who compliment my hair#and of course. being here in whats basically the apartment of our dreams. with no roaches!#im so fucking exhausted rn and theres still more to do#but im thanking god or the fates or whoever is out there that i get to sleep good tonight on a new mattress#(after i shower first in my new clean ROACH FREE bathroom of course)#🙏
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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I'm just always a bitch to everyone apparently and I'm told to go upstairs... certain people wonder why I stay in my room all the time
#el speaks#delete later#this is about my mother lol#I just can't be exhausted#she needs to learn that I just sound like a bitch all the time seriously I just talk like this (especially tired)#god I'm sorry I'm not always happy and feel comfortable talking to you or your boyfriend#he can't even talk to me face to face he always runs and hides behind you#“I asked her something and she was grumpy :(” like omg dude seriously? did I hurt your fucking feelings? oh gee I'm so fucking sorry#“things never go my way” -my mother#oh yeah? how do you think I feel? oh you don't#I try to care about you all the time but you never give me the same treatment#god you have no idea how much I wanna speak my mind fully#I try to fucking spend time with you even in small ways like going grocery shopping but that was still impossible#I can never get a word in about anything you're a broken record#“my job sucks and my boyfriend won't be here for my birthday :(”#sorry but shit happens sorry my presence isn't enough#I really do try... but man#also I think I got triggered or something? dogs get to me man#maybe I am just a bitch and if so? all well#wonder why
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