#my friends just love clowning me tho so I can't really blame them.

[ghostboyjules]

@queerofthedagger Hiii 💕✨ finally back with the promised shared rambling abt the National 😅 this is my second attempt, because after formatting the first one exactly how I wanted it, tumblr decided to eat the post and not even save a draft.. or anything. almost made me cry. just a little bit. ajcjsjfjg I'm gonna put the bulk of the ramble under a break because it's going to be very dumb and messy because I'm very Sleepy and my brain just. started throwing word spaghetti.

(before that tho I did wanna say; when I said "albums/songs" and "favorite" in the same sentence, I knew you were gonna do the incredibly reasonable and sexy bi brain energy move and choose multiple.. 😏 fell into my trap of getting you to talk about multiple things hehehehe 😌💕✨)

If I'm not mistaken (which I very well could be) I think I started listening to them in 2017 - which when I went to look at their albums, really tripped me up cause iaetf came out in 2019 apparently???!!!?? it feels like it's been. so much longer than that.., what.. but then when I thought about it a little more I do remember the day it dropped, listening to it for the first time and accidentally crying at work 💀💀 (me: -headphones in and quietly weeping while trying to take pictures of a part that goes into a helicopter engine- my coworker: bro are you good??)

Also, basically SINCE 2017 I've been referring to them as my "Sad Dad" music, because what I didn't have words for then, I do now. and what it really is, is that the Gender I feel while listening to this band is so.. specific. and the only way I can describe it is Sad Dad. like, it's a nice gender feeling for me IDK WHAT IT MEANS AJDJSKFK I had to explain cause like, I'm not calling THEM sad dads.. I'm calling ME the sad dad in a very gender queer way because apparently that's just how my brain works sometimes. on that note, lemme stop speaking gibberish and get into the music, beginning with the albums

Trouble Will Find Me (NO SKIPS. NOOO SKIPS NO SKIPS... god this album... THIS ALBUM....)

Sleep Well Beast (I think this was actually the first album I fully listened to of theirs.. changed my whole goddamn life - unironically.)

okay I'm choosing High Violet for this one but it was SO CLOSE to being I Am Easy to Find. it's just that for *me* High Violet is more of a 'no skips' album, whereas with iaetf, there's like 4 songs (or more) that are. just. so so incredibly impactful to me but then others that I'm just kinda 'meh' about. (but meh in the way that I still absolutely love them, I just don't listen to them as much as I do the specific 4)

I think I'm gonna have to combine my "fave" song section with the lyrics, because they're just so... they go together in my brain.. AND this is gonna go in no particular order because I literally could NOT rank them if I tried, it's so goddamn hard 😭 this selection is. probably gonna tell you a whole lot more about me than anyone ever wanted to know but HAHA

Pink Rabbits

It wasn't like a rain, it was more like a sea / I didn't ask for this pain, it just came over me

what am I supposed to do with this Matt Berninger? huh? and then skip a few to closer to the end and you get:

You didn't see me, I was falling apart / I was a white girl in a crowd of white girls in the park / You didn't see me, I was falling apart / I was a television version of a person with a broken heart

at first listen this part kinda made me laugh a lil bit. but then I kept listening. and got older. and then really thought about what he means here. and THEN it started fuckin me up. sleeper cell of a song. I stg.

Oblivions

It's the way that you're gonna stop needing to tell me / You want me as much as I want you to tell me / I'm over the threshold / Everything is gonna be totally okay into oblivion

and then the way they sing this next part makes me LOSE IT, it's so so beautiful and moving and has soooo much feeling in it..

It's like a tide in the city lifts me and carries me around / And oh, my mind is made up out of nothing now / If nothing scares you about me and you, never put me down / Oh, my mind is made up out of nothing now

this will probably be one of my forever favorite songs. it makes me so goddamn emotional. I couldn't listen to this song without crying at one point. and now it only happens if I think too hard :') it's just. SO. BEAUTIFUL..

Hey Rosey

I will love you like there's razors in it / And she'll love you like a radiant flame / There's never really any safety in it / Please do it again

this whole song... just. this whole song... my god.

Demons

Can I stay here? I can sleep on the floor / Paint the blood and hang the palms on the door / I do not think I'm going places anymore / I wanna see the sun come up above New York

this whole bridge. just the whole bridge. the bit at the end? when I walk into a room I do not light it up? I *wept* when I heard this song. WEPT.

Don't Swallow the Cap

I'm not alone / I'll never be /And to the bone / I'm evergreen / And if you want / To see me cry / Play "Let It Be" / Or "Nevermind"

and also the part you posted, careful fear and dead devotion... I remember being fuckin STUNNED when I heard that lyric for the first time...

This Is the Last Time

You're the only thing I want / And I said I wouldn't cry about it

😐. this one fucks me up. and the outro?? fuck dude. get me outta here.

Graceless

I am not my rosy self / Left my roses on my shelf / Take the white ones, they're my favorite / It's the side effects that save us /Grace / Put the flowers you find in a vase / If you're dead in the mind, it'll brighten the place / Don't let them die on the vine, it's a waste

there's so many things I could talk about with this song but jfc.. just... whew

Slipped

I don't need any help to be breakable, believe me / I know nobody else who can laugh along to any kind of joke / I won't need any help to be lonely when you leave me / It'll be easy to cover, gather my skeletons far inside / It'll be summer in Dallas before I realize

this song breaks me. still breaks me. will always break me. just like that fuckin line says, I don't need any help to be breakable, believe me. 🙄 sjdjskf FUCK. and the way he delivers the 3rd verse. ruinous. why does this song hurt so goddamn much jfc. but it's so so good.

Lemonworld

I'm too tired to drive anywhere / Anyway right now, do you care if I stay? / You can put on your bathing suits / And I'll try to find somethin' on this thing that means nothin' enough

this is the part that's always stuck with me, but the chorus loves to get stuck in my head too.. makes me wanna lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling

okay, that's all for now.. literally took out like 3 songs because I just.. couldn't get my brain to work any more 😅 but we can always talk abt the ones we didn't get to later 🥰

anyway, thank you so much for answering the original ask, I was so excited to see your answers and I love love love seeing someone else talk about a shared interest, it makes me so incredibly happy, and I hope my answers can bring you as much joy as yours gave me <3 ttyl Mona 🥰✨

Hiii Mona <3 I couldn't help but notice that we were both losing our minds abt the new National song, and because I always need ppl to talk to abt them, I simply *must* ask. do you have a favorite album/song of theirs?? 👀 maybe even favorite lyrics? 👀👀

Jules!! <3 Oh this is such a pandora's box question because the National is just one of my favourite bands... 😭😄

God so albums is already so hard but with it all being very close it's

1. Trouble Will Find Me 2. Boxer 3. I Am Easy to Find

and for songs.... oof. i am bisexual why would you make me choose anything ever 😭😭

Don't Swallow the Cap

Graceless

Weird Goodbyes

Slow Show

Rylan

About Today

Mr Novemeber

Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks

Mistaken for Strangers

Light Years

and i could go on but. i. yeah. top 10 it gonna be 😭😂 and if i got into lyrics we'd be here forever but generally speaking I just really love the way they understate things and then make those punch your teeth out, like in Weird Goodbyes the

your coat's in my car, I guess you forgot / it's crazy the things we let go

or like, in Tropic Morning News (which honestly would deserve a place on that list... anyway) the

oh, what happened to the wavelength we were on? / oh, where's the gravity gone?

AND in Don't Swallow the Cap the !!!!

I have only two emotions / careful fear and dead devotion / I can't get the balance right / with all my marbles in the fight

ALSO because I can't NOT mention it the fucking line in Graceless that makes me want to eat glass namely

There's a science to walking through windows without you // plus // God loves everyone / don't remind me

Like ugh there's so many more this feels blasphemous but!! also please please please tell me all of yours I want to hear them ALL they just make me INSANE (and thank you so much for making me ramble about them I'm really terribly normal about them����❤️)

[henshin-4]

I still almost can't believe it finally happened.

I've been planning my rebirth for almost three years, wanting to be ready to really make a change but constantly failing, planning dates but knowing I wasn't ready yet and thus cancelling.

To now know that the main thing that had to happen was that I had to get rid of the people holding me back, dragging the worst out of me... I should have left them way sooner instead of waiting for them to leave me. I shouldn't have held on to the people that made me mad almost every week, that made me feel like I had no value, just because I thought I would be lonely without as my other friends aren't online as much.

I always thought it was probably my own fault, that something was wrong with me... but now that they are gone and I instantly feel so different, so much better... it wasn't me, not for the most part, at least, but I won't ever let that happen again. And besides that, I don't act the same way towards my friends as I did to them, because my real friends treat me right, treat me fair. They always like to blame me but I now know they were the cause, they always found ways to piss me off, to make my feelings not matter at all. I won't miss them.

This is the main thing I have now changed. No longer will I let myself get attached to people. Of course, I will cherish the friends I have now, I love my friends, but only for as long as they want to stay. If they want to leave or we start having too many issues, I won't hold on. I'd rather be alone than be stuck with the wrong people, but I think all the wrong people are now gone from my life. I think the fact that I feel much less stressed than I have in years is the evidence that the friends I have now are real friends.

Of course, this won't be the only change, for a rebirth I needed a lot more, but this enabled me to move on and change everything I wanted to change. I've always tried to change for people, but always for the wrong people. I will only change for myself now, to be the best person I can be for myself and if someone doesn't like it... door is there. Now I need to keep it up, not fall back to who I was, but the peace this have given me the past week... I want to keep it up. I'm not sure if I can say it yet, but for now I'm happy.

It did not happen on the day I wanted, it did not happen the way I wanted. I could not properly prepare, I could not perform the full ritual I had in mind, but something about a sudden rebirth that I FELT I was now ready for and decided to just do the day after with whatever I was able to use and do in the house, like a sudden birth, is somewhat funny as my normal birth was also a sudden, too early, homebirth XD

Another funny part is that I was born about 5 weeks too early, and this rebirth was almost 5 weeks later than the date I originally wanted, regardless the year.

Somehow it was just in time, tho, as another person has told me they don't want to talk to me anymore. But in absolutely no way can I even blame myself for that one. I've done everything for that clown for the past year but I forgot to reply once and overall reply a bit later than I did in the beginning cause I got busy, and now they claim I don't care, no matter what I say XD they also don't want to talk to me cause I don't give them enough attention (didn't like and reblog ONE post), like ok, bye XD.

If I still had the mindset I had last month this would have ruined me. Now I will laugh about it. Some people are so fucking pathetic. I know damn well some people have only been using me, and if I don't give them enough they will leave cause there's nothing to use anymore. And to then claim I don't care when I was only ever seen as an attention and content machine XD sure.

For a while I felt bad about how I treated people, but then I remembered there are people I don't treat that way at all. Those I treated poorly treated me like shit too but expected me to worship them like gods. Nah, they were trash and deserved the way I treated them. BUT I won't do that again. If someone treats me poorly from now on I will leave. I won't fight and argue, I will just be gone, for my own peace.

I am so ready for this new life. Ready to be happy regardless of others, but also happy with those who enjoy and appreciate my company.

I used to hate myself, but I am ready to become the best version of me and learn to love myself. I am not as worthless as they have been making me feel for years, and never again will I let someone make me believe that. And to those who still care about me, I will prove that I am not a bad person, I am simply a fair person but I won't waste energy on people treat me wrong anymore.

[jenosdaemi]

so imma drop the feedback now for bad reputation!

as you said that bad reputation is your favourite and the playlist's first story, it makes sense for the story to be written so smoothly. the order of scenes and events feels complete.

ok so first scene was heart warming. y/n the saviour saving jeno. it was cute. jeno leaving cookies was so cute too, he was shy and not social but dang, what a sweetheart was he.

as you stated, hyuck did loved y/n but he was young and immature so he chose to leave y/n's side. he was selfish and we can't fully blame him.

tho i would be lying if i said i wasn't mad and disappointed in hyuck. sure he had his own future and was still young but the way he assumed that y/n slept with someone else (i know he panicked) was not okay. He could have given himself time to deeply think and be responsible for his actions, but man. i know he's just a character but the pent up frustration is still in my body

the scene when y/n was surrounded by stares and rumours, i could feel how it would be being in her shoes. nobody tried listening to her version of the story and assumed things. it's terrifying how friends turn into strangers in a matter of one blink.

again, being drove to nearly having a miscarriage due to stress was predictable. if i were y/n, i would have also felt that i was a burden to taeil and my sister. they spent half of the savings for their wedding so selflessly just for y/n and her baby. i love them.

a moment for jeno: jeno. oh my god. jeno. this man's character was probably the most loving one. first of all, he had a crush on her since pre school which grew into love, he watched her fall in love with someone else but this man was happy for her. lemme say that's absolutely rare. jumping off to the next scene, i love this man. he was fast to act and save y/n.

y/n attempted to jump off the rail because of being assaulted has something to do with opening up and having a shoulder to cry on. she didn't wanted to drag taeil and her sister in her problems since the had done more than enough. and didn't have a single friend cause of the stereotype of single parents people have. the pent up frustration resulted her to do something foolish but jeno was able to save her.

the hospital scene and guilt start building up. taeil and y/n's sister are saviours. of course, jeno too!

jeno understood that y/n needed a friend and the way he offered also the moments between dasom and jeno were uwu. overall it was a warm scene.

jeno is a gem. asking his dad to secure for a job place for y/n, loving dasom as his own, flushing out the stereotype the world has and giving y/n the much needed love. this man be setting my standards higher. and i relate to the guilt y/n has *inserts the clown emoji*

haechan showing up back!? something unexpected. jeno being scared that haechan will steal dasom (and maybe y/n too) completely expected.

i seriously didn't know how y/n made the decision of whether to make dasom know about haechan or not. like i would be so confused. but ok, i started liking/understanding haechan once again when he interacted with his daughter.

“There’s an issue when there’s no father. Still an issue with two fathers. Can’t really please people these days.” this was personally one of my favourite lines.

the ending and the "our daughter" was sooooo cute uwu. and they lived happily ever after.

----

fav. character: y/n. she's so strong. sure she did felt like giving up sometimes but the way she coped up and accepted life, wow. jeno came really close with his personality and selflessness tho.

fav. scene: the hospital one after y/n attempted to jump off. it was really warm, it made me feel butterflies and what not.

lots of love and hugs,

luna

Sorry it took me a while to respond because I always try to stay away from tumblr whenever I upload a new story 🙈

The original plan was to leave Haechan out of it after he left reader and her daughter, but as I progressed to Jeno and reader’s relationship I feel like there’s something missing. Like a rock left unturned. Then I found myself writing the scene in the park where Haechan showed up and just went on with it 😭 Yes, Haechan was supposed to be a character everyone should/would hate but damn I got a lot of people asking about him!!! Well done, Haech.

The scene where the reader was getting a lot of unwanted attention at school was the most personal with me. I experienced bullying first hand, worse than just stares and whispers behind my back (physical) that I had to drop out of school and move provinces. I always try to detach myself from the characters I write but at that part, her feelings, emotions and the scene? They’re my ghosts.

Omg the darkest scene in the story shows how paying attention could save lives. We don’t have to remember their routines like Jeno did but paying attention on how our love ones talk, smile, move, could help! Never hesitate to ask someone if they’re okay.

Jeno went above and beyond 😭 I don’t think I wrote a realistic character here but he reminds me of someone I know so that keeps me grounded, but damn Jeno?!?!?!

The reader’s decision to introduce Haechan to her daughter was for the sake of her daughter. I firmly believe that everything that relates to the child’s birth parents should be opened up to them while they’re still young, not everything at once but slowly. It’s easier for them know them gradually through the years than dumping everything on them 15 years later just because they’re an adult and they can “understand” things better now. Yes they can probably understand what happened, but how about the emotional damage? 🥺 That’s why the reader decided to let Haechan meet his daughter. Sorry if it was a bit unexplained in the story!

YEAH THE ENDING WAS SO SWEET AND FLUFFY LIKE A UNICORN RUNNING OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE 😭🤍

Thank you once again, Luna!!! 🥺 For taking the time to give me feedbacks. They’re all really helpful and I’m happy that I get to know your opinion in my stories. Love u!!

[smutty-ki113r]

well yes it was heavenly and I am pure- ok that's a lie lmao. dude I had sex irl once and that's it lmao so i also got barely any sexual interaction.

ofc I love educating ppl on polyamory :> dude I love lj too, i barely interact with him tho but if we do he always compliments my outfits and stuff...he's so charming (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) and u know I am obsessed with him cuz I love clowns!! I would love to meet candypop but as I said before...I am not sure if he's ever there. yoooo also I met jason and helen for the first time yesterday. they r so nice but pretty weird (not that the others aren't lmao)

I don't know if I said this already but in my dr they all live in this abandoned village?? it's like multiple houses that r pretty trashy ngl. but daddy slendy renovated them by manipulating some ppl lmao

so I read a lil thingy on the webs abt all the attributes of scorpios and u r right. almost everything is accurate wth

DUDE U R SO PRETTY WHAT?? those pictures oml I am drooling. u r really testing me rn. what if i just snatch u? ben would be mad i am sure (* ￣︿￣)

I am also super forgetfull, so I get the struggle, and I blame myself for every problem ppl I like have...even if it's not my fault. for example my best friends cat dissapeared and I keep blaming myself..idk why it can't be my fault but I keep telling myself it is.

DUDE IF BEN IS EVER MEAN TO U ONCE U SWITCH I"LL KICK HIM IN HIS BALLS!!!! COME INTO MY ARMS <3 ILY BBY

I already like blue :> they seem nice and funny just like u

-🃏

IM PURE BUT NOT IN THE MIND. As you can tell. OML tell us about your interaction with Helen and Jason PLZ! Fuck I wanna get into clowns so bad, like especially makeup, I think it’s so cool.

I wanna sex Ben up so bad.

DADDY SLENDY WHATTT HAHAHAGAG. Yep a lot of times zodiacs are very accurate!!

You wanna snatch me?!!! Me?!! Ben would be angry?? I wanna put a tehehe emoji but I can’t find one so I guess they are these.. 😵🤤☺️☺️. DONT TELL ME HOW HE LIKES ME CAUSE THEN IMMA START SAYING “yeah he really is gonna be disappointed” or “he’s just gonna stop liking me eventualky”. I’m just kidding sort of. Please tell me more. I’m not scared that he’ll be mean to me, more just that he will get bored or think I’m annoying.

You’re totally right. You cannot be at fault for everything. It’s literally impossible. Plus, the fact that you do think like that shows you’ve been gaslighted so many times and people have victimized themselves so much around you that now you internalize it.

But I’m proud of you. So so proud