#my first funeral as a child was traumatic cause i didn't understand it and then it...just kept happening to our family

[peachsukii]

Might be a little radio silent today and tomorrow, but I'll be back soon. Gonna run off a queue & pop in and out. 💜

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Buzzfeed

Published: Feb 12, 2023

We recently asked Black members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the reason they left Christianity. Here are their insightful replies:

Warning: This post contains mentions of sexual abuse. 

1. "First, I never wanted to go to church, it was something my mom made us do. Second, homophobia. The last time I went to a church it was a lovely and inspirational sermon until the pastor started disparaging gays for absolutely no reason. Even at my grandfather's funeral, the pastor there managed to blame gays for the state of the world. Just random unnecessary hate."

—justchillman

2. "When I was younger, the pastor at the family church was allegedly involved in a scandal with a child and no one would do anything because he was a 'man of God.' I was instantly turned off of organized religion after finding out. That was the catalyst and the more I grew up and did some soul-searching, the more I realized I could not believe in a God that would protect a monster over a child (amongst other things as well)."

—sdhendrix182

3. "I stopped believing because my ancestors were forced to convert to what their masters believed. Plus, we pray so much and are some of the hardest believers, yet our lot in life remains the same generation after generation. I didn't understand why we were suffering so much even though we went to church and prayed so much. So, I stopped believing, stop praying and start doing and became very successful."

—Anonymous

4. "The amount of gossiping that went on in my church was astounding to me, even as a child. I always felt I had to be perfect or else I would give everyone else even more to talk crap about. The irony of the 'judge not lest ye be judged' Christians being the judgiest people I ever met was lost on them, but it made me really evaluate if I actually believed or if it was just putting on a show so I could fit in. I found out it was the latter."

—afinallullaby

5. "I was raised Catholic but as I got older, I questioned the church and its teachings more and more. A lot of it started to not make sense. When I discovered that I was nonbinary and pansexual, the church responded by forcing conversion therapy on me rather than accepting me. A God that supposedly loves everyone is not going to force that sort of hell on anyone."

—Anonymous

6. "I am a 60-year-old heterosexual African male and was increasingly bothered by the comments and jokes about gay people from the pulpit. I was a devoted and tithing member of a non-denomination mega church. My childhood years were spent every Sunday in a southern Baptist church. But I began to feel more and more uncomfortable with rhetoric that was justifying why gay lifestyles were 'unacceptable.' In short, I asked myself is this what Jesus would say or do with anyone or any group? My answer was no. This caused me to have enough doubt to question a number of teachings and stories in the bible that I was now able to look at with open eyes."

"I began to research the origins of religion and came to understand it is all about a belief, not facts. I then asked a basic question is there any area in my life where I operate on belief and not fact? With that in mind, I had to get honest and admit, I have no concrete data or facts that clearly show me there is a God. The idea of attributing what we don't understand to a God is no longer acceptable to me."

—Anonymous

7. "I grew up in church with pastors on both sides of my family. It's overwhelming as a child to be told all the things you can't do because it's a sin and you'll go to hell. Don't get me started on the teachings about relationships and sex. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and once I turned 17, I was suddenly supposed to be okay with openly dating without feeling conviction. Religion played a huge part in me not dating or having significant relationships until my mid-20s and even then it still felt wrong."

"Additionally, end-time prophesy teachings (the rapture) were genuinely traumatizing. I was under constant fear that the rapture would happen and I would be left behind for some unknown sin I committed. I now have a child of my own and I REFUSE to put any sort of religious teachings in her head and I've told my parents that I will decide what's appropriate for her until she's old enough to make her own decision about religion."

—Anonymous

8. "At a very young age, I was forced to attend church. It felt like a cult. I was cognizant of the so-called church body I convened with. All I did was look and listen. Attending church continued until I was in my early teenage years. After all that I have experienced and been through I made a conscious decision that I did NOT want to be in the same place with any of those people which I will never do."

—Anonymous

9. "I didn’t grow up in church or a religious household, I was just told God exists, sin exists, and went to a few summer bible schools. As an adult, I wanted to grow my faith. The more I started reading, researching, and contemplating, I called bullcrap. It took about three years of combing through Christianity, Black Hebrew Israelites, and belief in God with no attached religious text before I settled on atheism. Honestly, I never felt more at peace or free."

—Anonymous

10. "As I got older, a lot of things in the bible just didn't add up (no mention of dinosaurs, no one could give an exact timeline of the events in the bible, the fact that the whole origins of the bible itself are a matter of debate). Not to mention that Christianity was used to keep slaves in check. I definitely have been persecuted for my stance, but I will never go back to any religion."

—Anonymous

11. "I did research on the history of the church and became very knowledgeable on all its past. Once I understood the roots of the faith, it became impossible for me to logically subscribe to it."

—Anonymous

12. "I grew up in a Baptist church in a religious extended family. My belief in some higher power diminished because of multiple reasons. Multiple friends of mine died in the same year and I just can't fathom how a higher power allows so much grief and hurt (at a personal level as well as across all of society). Mass shootings, violence, homelessness, assault, and so many heinous acts get explained away by free will, but why let people suffer if an all-powerful being could make it better? Modern Christianity is so far from the teaching of the bible. Looking at the mega-churches and the pastor and their lavish lifestyles, they're businesses."

—Anonymous

13. "I was raised in the church and the older I get, the more it seems to me how religion is used just to control the less fortunate."

—Anonymous

14. "I would say that actually reading the bible for myself without someone else's interpretation led me out of Christianity. Once I read it fully, I saw how humans created a God in their image depending on their circumstances and state of mind. While Christians will believe their God is going to save us from ourselves, the work of being better stewards of the Earth and each other falls on us. We must evolve into better humans."

—Anonymous

15. And "I was baptized at 12 and literally a year later I started to question my faith. So I read the bible in full. So many questions that many refuse to logically answer besides the usual 'Have faith.' I have not found anyone that can explain to me why God needed to kill all the animals except for the only two of own their kind on Noah’s ark when it was the humans who sinned. So many inconsistencies and not to mention man has touched the bible. What better way to control people than saying promises of heaven or being condemned to hell? I consider myself an agnostic atheist."

—Anonymous

Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity. 

==

Black Americans have consistently tended to be more religious and slower to leave their religion per capita than white people and other ethnic groups, and more likely to regard religious faith as being personally important.

[ Source: https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/religious-landscape-study/racial-and-ethnic-composition/ ]

But perhaps that trend might change.

[madsmikkelsenschesthair]

I’m sorry... ch.4 (Final chapter unless I decide there’s an epilogue)

A/N: woooo! Finally chapter of this mini series! I want to write an epilogue but uh...I don’t think I will since after this it will just be OC. Anywho, thank you so much for reading!!!

Warnings: traumatic birth, violence, death, angst, fluff

Pairings: General Hux x Reader and Kylo Ren x Reader

Y/N sighed as she looked out the window into the world beyond her. She was alone in her and Kylo's quarters; only the sound of the refrigerator could be heard and the wind outside rattling the windows. She was watching the world outside to pass the time, what else could she do? Armitage had sent her to her quarters and wouldn't explain why.

"Just stay there until either I or Ren come get you" he said. His face was paler than usual and he looked afraid. Terrified. What was going on?

And where was her husband?

Ben.

Y/N looked around the room, alarmed her eyes wide with fear looking at the door as if Ben was going to come bursting through the door at any moment. A kick coming from her womb broke silenced her thoughts, she looked down at her swollen belly and caressed it.

"I know," she whispered "I miss him too but I don't know where he is little one." The baby kicked again then three more times, moving inside her. She suddenly felt a jolt of pain coming from her abdomen, it caught her by surprise and she jumped slightly at this. Y/N frowned and the pain returned again this time more intense, she gripped her hands to the window seal when she felt warmth rushing down her legs. Y/N lifted her dress and a big puddle of fluid lay on the floor. Another pain seized her this time more intense than the last two. She did her best to keep her breaths even as she looked around for her husband's data pad.

"Oh gods please help me!" She rummaged through his things on the coffee table scattering books and papers on to the floor. Tears blurred her sight as she practically tore the place apart. Another contraction hit her much harder dropping her to her knees, she placed a hand on her belly and cried out in pain. This pain was worse than menstrual cramps, a thousands times worse it felt like she was being ripped in half. Where was he when she needed him?! She screamed again louder, loud enough for someone to hear her. Anyone. She could already feel the child practically ripping her in half.

During Rey and Kylo's fight against the guards, Armitage managed to escape the scene unharmed. He was leaving for good and taking Y/N back to her father in the Resistance. He didn't care if he was going to be arrested; Ren had other plans now and Y/N seemed to not be part of them. When he arrived at her quarters he was about to knock on the door when he heard a scream coming from the other side.

It was her.

He punched in the code to open the door and the sight before him nearly made the Great General Armitage Hux break. Y/N was covered from the waist down in her own blood, hunched over the sofa, a puddle of blood oozed around her. It looked like a murder scene to him. When she saw him she started to cry. He immediately went to her and cupped her face with his hands, "Don't speak my love, don't speak, everything is going to be alright" he kissed her cheek lovingly. He noticed tears were in her eyes, her breathing slowing down.

"just take me to the medical center, Tij. I'm dying..." she whispered between gasps. Armitage swallowed back a sob and picked her up bridal style and carried her away to the medical center. He didn't notice the bloody trail left behind.

"Push love you're almost there!"

Y/N screamed in agony as the pain inside her spread through her like wildfire but she pushed anyways. Armitage held her hand and watched in horror as the bedsheets underneath her went from a snow white color to a crimson hell. Her beautiful peach dress was soiled in the angry red color and her dear face was damp with sweat. Y/N gripped the hospital bed as she pushed as hard as she could before flopping back on the bed still screaming. Blood dripped out of her like a faucet. She was hemorrhaging badly. Armitage tried hard not to cringe at her pain but he couldn't help it, the love of his life was in agony and he couldn't do anything about it. The droid at the other end couldn't do anything either but wait for the baby to come out.

It was just her and her pain.

Y/N gave one finally scream when the droid was holding something. Something red and slimy with kicking feet. And a small voice that opened up to a wail. A tiny, tiny voice. While the baby was being cleaned up, Armitage could see it was a boy. A wave of relief washed over him, it was finally over and Y/N would return to her father with her son beside her. The baby boy was wrapped in the softest wool blanket he had ever seen and taken to his mother.

The droid handed the baby over to Armitage, who gladly took it and lowered the child so a dying Y/N could see. He had a head full of black hair and Armitage could already tell he was Kylo Ren's exact copy.

"It's a fine boy" he said in a low tone, "Pick a name for him, love."

Her voice was barely audible now. Her weakness was taking over but she managed a small smile at her son. "Kes. Kes Han Solo" she said. Armitage was confused at this, "Solo? No Ren?"

"Promise me," she whispered fiercely holding on to the baby's tiny hand, "Promise me my son won't be raised to be like my husband."

Tears started to form in his eyes. She continued, "Promise me my son won't be raised in the hands on the First Order. In the hands of Kylo Ren." He stroked her hair softly her, soothing her during her final moments.

"I promise, my love. I promise you."

Her eyes were pleading, "Take me back to my father. Tell him I love him and I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused" Hux's bottom lip trembled but he refused to let go of his tears.

"Take my son to my father Tij...."

The darkness was finally taking her, "Tij...there's still good in him..." she looked at her son one last time with a weak smile on her lips and closed her eyes forever. This time he didn't stop the tears from coming. They rolled down his face and on to hers; even in her death she looked so beautiful. He knew she had found peace in her eternal slumber; nothing hurt anymore, her heart was no longer broken by the man she once loved, no more worries. Sobs shook his entire body, a scream built up in his throats and he let it out. He lost her for good now.

Everything he did was for her and he didn't understand why fate had to take her away. She was so young and beautiful then she birthed his enemy's son.

He looked down at the baby; it was mewling away in his arms. Remembering his father, Hux knew Rose was right; her son couldn't be raised in the hands of the First Order. She wanted a different story for him, a different life. A place where he wouldn't be raised in the dark side or an angry man. She was right and he was keeping her promise.

The door to the labor room hissed open and he could hear Ren come in. His back was turned to him, Kylo couldn't see his wife's body but he could see the bloody pool surrounding Hux's boots.

"Where is she General?" His voice was full of suspicion.

He didn't answer instead he was crying silently.

"Hux..." Kylo said and stepped closer to him "Where is my wife?" Instead of answering he stepped away from her body.

Kylo lost it; he ran to her almost slipping in the blood on the floor. "My love..." he choked "my love please wake up....please wake up I'm here now" he started to cry, loudly. Loud enough for the entire medical center to hear him. "Wake up and tell me you're not leaving me...please don't me leave me I can't do this on my own, please" Hux didn't say anything but watched as his rival lost his sanity. Kylo screamed into the night, he took out his light saber igniting it and began to tear the room apart sending red angry sparks everywhere. To Hux, this was pathetic. He lost the girl he truly loved and begged for her attention only for her focus to be placed on a man that hardly looked at her anymore. Kylo knew that he was the reason she was no longer alive and he couldn't do anything but cradle her body and cry. Cry like he never did before.

Hux noticed Rey watching the entire scene go on before her and he stepped outside with the baby still in his arms. There was a moment of silence between them. He was sure that she had never imagined the great Kylo Ren to loose his mind; he had to admit neither did he.

"Her son's name is Kes" he said in a cracked tone, "Kes Han Solo Dameron. Named after his great grandfather and grandfather." Rey's gaze turned to the little bundle in his arms and walked closer to him. She held out her arms and he gladly gave her the baby. "She said she didn't want him to be raised in the hands of Kylo or the First Order. She wanted me to take her body and son to her father in the Resistance..." Rey rocked the baby in her arms never taking her eyes off him, "I'll take them. They'll be in safe hands." Hux gave a curtly nod and looked back at Kylo; he was no longer crying but rocking his wife's body back and forth like a mother putting her child to sleep.

No parent has to see their child's dead body. Every father imagines his daughter lowering his body to the grave not the other way around. When Rey first arrived to the Resistance base, the first thing Poe noticed was his grandchild and after a brief happy reunion he looked behind Rey looking for his daughter. Waiting for her to come out of the Falcon but the look on Rey said it all. He cried, fell to his knees and cursed the gods; he felt guilty for treating her so badly after her mother died. But Rey told him what Hux wanted him to know, that she forgave him and that she was sorry for leaving and causing him great pain. This made him cry even more. To have her body brought back to him was a great relief; he no longer had to wonder where was she buried or where were her ashes thrown. His daughter's funeral was beautiful; there were blue roses everywhere, she was wearing a light teal green dress with chiffon lace, her long h/c hair loose with white flowers on it. That day was warm and sunny to Poe it was perfect; he didn't want his only daughter to be buried on a rainy day adding more gloom to her funeral. Y/N was buried on a hill somewhere, under a fruit tree, with the sun and clouds above her and the rain to wash her clean. It was perfect. Poe was beyond happy when he learned his daughter named his grandson after his father and her father in law, refusing the surname "Ren". Leia, Rey, Rose Tico and Finn all promised he wasn't raising little Kes alone; that he had them.

-15 years later-

Kes Solo sadly watched the snow fall down on to his mother's grave. It had been fifteen long years since her death.

"Here lies Y/N Y/M/N Dameron. Granddaughter, daughter, wife and mother. May the Force be with you" he read aloud. The wind blew and he could almost feel his mother's hand caressing his cheek. He came to see her almost every day since as long as he could remember, always bringing her flowers or a peach because he was told that was her favorite fruit. This time he brought her hot chocolate to fight against the cold winter afternoon. Through the Force he sensed his papa walking towards him. Before he could speak Kes said, "He's not my father you know," he was referring to Kylo. Poe sighed defeatedly but Kes continued to speak, "I don't have 'Ren' at the end of my name. It's Solo Dameron; son of Ben Solo and Y/N Dameron not Kylo Ren." Over the years Kes, grew an intense hatred towards his father, bowing to kill him for ruining his mother and killing his grandfather and many innocent lives to stay in the Dark Side. He was often told he looked like his father which to he replied that he had no father; that he died when his mother died. Ben Solo was no more and he wasn't going to accept Kylo Ren into his life.

Poe rested a hand on his grandson's shoulder, "So do you want to be a Jedi like your mother and father?" Kes shrugged, “Maybe. Uncle Luke says I’m already a pro but I also want to become a pilot like you or a General like my grandma. And when I do I'm going to bring peace and justice to the galaxy like it's supposed to be." Poe smiled softly at his grandson and ruffled his hair, "You remind me of your mom, Kes."

The boy looked down at his mother, "She was beautiful wasn't she? And kind..." he muttered. Poe nodded agreeing with Kes, "Yes she was pal. Now," he patted Kes's shoulder and said "let's go home kid. Grandma Leia invited us over for dinner." Kes nodded and his grandfather began to walk away, leaving him alone once again. Through the trees and the snow, standing a few yards away from his mother’s grave was the man himself. Kes sensed him staring but he ignored him. The boy knew Kylo wanted talk to talk to him, Kes wanted nothing to do with that man. He kissed his mother’s grave one last time and ran after his grandpa.

Somewhere above the clouds and into the galaxy, Kylo watched his son through holograms. His heart shattered every time Kes refused him through the Force bond they shared. Locking the door in his face or running away from him as soon as he spotted him. Hux watched him, satisfaction running through his veins.

"You deserve it. You deserve being torn apart by your own blood" he sneered at Kylo.

The Supreme Leader huffed and said, "You were a damn fool to listen to her. I should be training my son...at least a piece of his mother would still be with me."

"Yes, but I think this is the reason why she wanted a better life for him. Your boy doesn't even want to talk to you, he's aware of who you are and what you've done." Hux earned a glare from Kylo. The Supreme Leader turned his attention back to the hologram this time Hux joined him. They both watched the boy train with his mother's white lightsaber breaking a vase in the process. Both men chuckled.

"He looks like you Ren" Hux said quietly. Kylo sighed and nodded, "Yes but he has her spirit" he was referring to Y/N.

"That fire inside him...isn't mine. This fire is more intense, stronger, bolder than mine. His light will never die. It's the spark of it all."

Kes was now being scolded by his grandmama for breaking the vase. She pointed a finger at him angrily while he cleaned up his mess. His dark curls covered his face so Kylo wouldn't see. He did that often knowing his father was watching and didn't want him to his disgruntled face.

"He'll have to forgive me one day..."

Maybe he would but for now, Kylo would do everything to bring his son back.

@dtftheavengers @angelcvsmic