#my first day off in a month finally gave me 0.2 seconds to reflect very very briefly on the past 7 months
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i need a real diary but the online public one will have to do. im feeling so many things lately and have had such a crazy year of intense sudden growth and change and im trying to keep my head above water while also trying to appreciate and enjoy the new challenges as they come but also trying to synthesize and learn lessons not just go from one fire to the next without learning anything from the one I just put out. I want to be an intentional leader who leads in a pre meditative and considerate way and not in whatever instinctive and reactionary way first springs to mind when im in a situation. I want to make good decisions, not just acceptable ones, I want to build good habits, not just easy ones, I want to act, not just react. I’ve done a lot of maturing, but not enough. I’ve made a lot of progress, but there’s still so much room to grow. I’m proud of the decisions I’ve made, but I know I’ll look back on some of them in the future and see all of the ways I could’ve done better. I’m proud of myself and impatient for the future version of me that’s better at all of this.
#my first day off in a month finally gave me 0.2 seconds to reflect very very briefly on the past 7 months#and boy howdy am I feeling some type of way#two more intense months of busy season and then October will let me actually digest this year#I really do need a real diary#I think that’s the only way I’ll work through all of the things I’ve learned this year#and will help me concretely remember the things I want to improve and change and adjust for next year#im constantly torn between the thought of wondering if im secretly fucking everything up but everyone is just too nice to tell me#and the knowledge that no one I work with is nice enough to care about not hurting my feelings#if I was fucking up no one would hesitate to tell me#which is good and the way I prefer it#none of this is cohesive and will make sense to anyone who doesn’t know what my new job is#which is fine I just needed to work through some emotions#not only is this the first day off I’ve had since July 1st but it’s also the first day of my period#so#that should explain some things
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