#my bio is kind of the end of the summer ish to me because it's been my bio since literally the day i went back to school

[redwinterroses]

For the road trip, on a personal note (and thus the separate ask so feel free to delete or what have you): I noticed the Christian description in the bio and out of curiosity as a Christian myself, were you raised as such? Did you convert later in life (either to a different denomination or Christianity as a whole)?

I guess I'm just asking about your testimony because I like hearing them. :) BUT I get it if you don't want to share or if I've misunderstood your bio lol

In any case have a safe trip today!

This ask makes me so happy, but I'm going to stick it under a cut due to general conversation of religion and some religious trauma. :)

So -- first off, sorry for taking so long to answer this. I'm like an infant with no object permanence as far as asks go. The minute I look away it ceases to exist, lol.

But! Answering now.

Yup, there's Christian in my bio. I'm not very in-your-face about it but I occasionally mention church or my pastor's wife or something on stream. I think I started humming a hymn the other day before I caught myself lol.

My dad's a pastor, and I was raised in church. Literally. Like -- every time there was an event, and half the time when there wasn't: I was at the church. We lived next door to the church(es) most of the time, and in later years we would sometimes go spend the day there in the summer because the church had AC and our house did not. XD

But yeah: churches. Plural. Being a PK is no bed of roses -- we were chased out of one church by an assistant pastor who bullied the congregation and scared them into "asking" my dad to resign, and in another my then-best-friend's mom led a ring of conspiracy theorists who thought Dad was part of a cult out to take over the world. (I wish I was exaggerating. I'm legitimately not.) We were forced out of our house (because the church owned it) two weeks before Christmas, no one from that church would speak to us ever again, and though I still live relatively close to that town I refuse to drive through it.

I'd lived in ~8 different houses before I was 12, and that particular event ended with us being homeless for 8 months and living in my grandad's basement. it was bad, I still have nightmares about it 20-ish years later, and I've legitimately blocked out a large portion of that year from my memory -- which can lead to some fun discussions sometimes with parents or sibs who remember something I don't.

And because of all that, I... don't have a lot of trust in the church, as an organization. I teased my dad the other day that, frankly, he's lucky all of us didn't ditch the whole shebang. He didn't laugh, actually. He agreed.

These days I'm dealing with what certain circles call "deconstruction" -- dunno how in on Current Popular Christian Lingo you are, but basically I'm going through the (very arduous, very stressful, often very emotional) process of picking apart everything I've ever been taught and trying to evaluate what's really true, what's just tradition, and what's outright wrong. So my testimony is kind of just starting, honestly. I don't have any dramatic conversion story (though I was baptized in January in a church where they forgot to turn on the heater in the baptistry so that's a vivid memory XD) but I'm in the middle of some kind of reformation, rediscovering the beauty and hope of my faith, and we'll have to see what comes out the other side.

Sooooo... yeah. That's the answer there. Probably a bit heavier than you were expecting, so sorry about that. :) Being a Christian on this webbed site isn't exactly... a popular option, so I feel a leeeeettle defensive about the faith that I've worked dang hard to keep and am working even harder to grow like some stunted little bonsai tree LOL.

But thank you so much for the question! And we had a lovely and safe trip back, so thanks for those well-wishes too. <3

[twopoppies]

Thank you to the very talented (and always kind) Maggie @disgruntledkittenface for tagging me in this. It’s been a weird year, but I think I can come up with five things

RULES: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work.

1. Whoever, However. I don’t know what came over me, but the promo video for Harry’s Beauty Papers shoot dropped and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That obsession became my first fic and it, more or less, wrote itself (with a lot of encouragement and fine tuning from @indiaalphawhiskey). 

2. gathered on wings. This one was meant to be a short PWP based on a fic prompt from the bottom Harry fic fest, but it quickly became something else entirely. Before I knew it, my PWP had a plot twist and angst and thoughts about art and vulnerability. While I found writing it to be really challenging, in the end I was really happy with the result.

3. An Invincible Summer. I think this is what I feel most proud of having created this year. Again, I had intended to write a PWP about barn sex and instead it became so much more. The challenge of trying to write something quiet and intimate and sexy, but set in a time period where I had to do it in a very different way than I’d done before, was intimidating. More than once I was tempted to stop writing because I was sure no one would want to read it, but once it was posted, the comments I got from readers simply blew me away. 

4. I finally dusted off my tablet and drew something for the fandom for the first time in almost two years. But @indiaalphawhiskey gave me the most wonderful inspiration when she wrote Our Lives, Non Fiction so I couldn’t help but draw a few things for her fic. My favorites are Louis and Marcel’s first kiss early on in the fic

and then a little sexy moment between them towards the end of the fic. You can see the full drawing on my Instagram.

5. And last, I’m really proud of the hundreds and hundreds of fic recs I’ve compiled this year. I love helping promote all of the wonderful writing from authors in this fandom and the messages I’ve gotten from people about how much my fic recs have helped them get through this shitty year, has really made all the hard work worth it. All of my recs are listed alphabetically on the masterpost linked in my bio, and I’m continuously updating it!

This has been a super challenging year in which to be inspired, and I’m so impressed by how many people created such wonderful content for the fandom. However much (or little) you created, I’d love to see it and hear you talk about it! I’ll tag @sashinalash @hazzabeeforlou @gaycousinlarry @lapollypocket-detianguis @pinkcords @thewestishharpooners and @absoloutenonsense (if you’re in the mood)!

[zuucc]

PLATONIC BED SHARING: W. NYLANDER | BLURB

Words: 2K

Summary: When your best friend sneaks into your bed after a long road trip and kisses your shoulder after he thinks you’ve fallen asleep. And when you confront him about it.

Warnings: Smut-ish. Steamy. Don’t think there’s any cursing actually. (Be proud of me). 

Author’s note: You know when you lie in bed trying to sleep and you make up all sorts of unrealistic romantic shit in your head? Yeah, this is what I thought of the other night.

Masterlist linked in bio. __________________________

You’re almost asleep when you hear movement in your apartment. If you weren’t already used to your best friend calling ‘the need for human contact’ an emergency and using it as an excuse to use the key you gave him for emergencies at least once a week during the weeks where he was actually home, you probably would have been scared to death by now. But you know the sound of his steps, and you know that he’d missed you while he was away on a two week road trip - he’d told you at least four times - and that he would definitely tell you that Kappy didn’t give him any cuddles if you asked him what he was doing here.

“Mm, if you’re trying to share this comforter with me you need to get me a t-shirt,” you mumble once you feel the bed dip behind you, and his hand on your back, lifting up the comforter that you’d wrapped around you. He’d tiptoed into your room thinking that you were asleep already, planning to just slip into your bed without waking you. He never managed to do it without waking you, though, you just pretended to be asleep and let him believe that he did.

He sighs, and you can tell that he is rolling his eyes behind you. Two seconds later a t-shirt hits the back of your head, and you know he didn’t have time to get it from your closet - and by the smell and the warmth of it you can tell that it is definitely the one he’s been wearing. You shoot him a look over your shoulder as you grab it, sitting up slightly with your bare back facing him and pull it over your head. You lay back down again and he crawls under your covers, his arms sliding around you - one under your head and another around your waist - his body pressing against yours.

His arms really wrap you up and pull you into his warm body, and the annoyance you felt about him waking you from your almost slumber and thinking that he could just crawl under the same covers as your just about naked body is all gone. His legs tangle with yours and you think to yourself yeah, I really did miss you.

His face is pressed against your neck, and his steady breath against your skin is soothing you to fall asleep. Your eyes fly open, though, at his lips pressing against your shoulder where his big t-shirt had slid down.

You don’t think he noticed the gasp in your breath, or how you tensed up. He thought you were asleep and he kissed your shoulder. Your mind starts racing and sleep is long forgotten. Maybe he’s done it before, you don’t know, but there’s a possibility that this isn’t the first time. You know he’s never done it when you were awake, at least. Other than a kiss on your temple or your cheek during moments of celebration or post playoffs, summer kind of good byes, and that one time you were drunk and Mitch dared you to kiss and you both giggled your way though it - there had never been anything like it.

Your hand wraps around the arm that is resting across your waist, holding you to him, and you can tell that he tenses up by how he holds his breath for a little bit and how his limbs feel a little heavier against yours. You swallow hard before you turn around in his arms. His breath feels a little heavy with his chest against yours but he tries to play it cool with a tight lipped smile.

“Why did you do that?” you ask, softly. You look up at him, and he surprisingly keeps his gaze on you, even if you can tell he wants to look away. He only shrugs lightly. “You thought I was asleep?” you try to make it sound like a question but it comes out as more of a statement. He still doesn’t say anything, but rips his eyes away from you, looking out in your dark bedroom. His arms are still around you as you lay there in silence, waiting for him to say something. One of his hands are on your naked hip, where the t-shirt has ridden up, the other on your shoulder as his arm is curled around your neck.

“Honestly, do you think this is platonic?” he says, finally breaking the silence. He looks at you again, but this time it’s you who can’t give an answer. You end up shrugging, just like he did. “I think we’d be lying to ourselves if we said this was completely platonic. We don’t just sleep in the same bed, we cuddle. You’re wearing my t-shirt. It’s not even weird that I lock myself into your apartment at night and sneak into your bed anymore,” he says, and even if you hate to admit it, you have to agree with everything he says.

“Tell me what you feel,” you speak again, your voice lower and softer, but still not a whisper. “What I feel?” he asks, as if he doesn’t understand your question. “Yeah. What do you feel?” you repeat. “For me,” you add, this time, as a whisper.

He’s looking up into the ceiling now, and you see his Adam’s apple bob when he swallows, as well as his chest rising and falling. “I’ve tried to not think about it too much, tried to just shove it to the back of my mind, really. But there’s obviously a reason why I come here so much. I try not to, but especially after road trips, I just miss you so much when I’m away,” he looks at you again. “I know I say that I like to sleep next to you because I need human contact, but if that really was all that it was to it I could just, I don’t know, get a dating app or open some of my DM’s, and I’d get more than I get here, if you know what I mean,” he shakes his head at the last part. “Not that I expect that from you, and that I come here with that in mind... Or, I mean, I’m not saying I don’t - fuck it, I’m messing it all up. Uhm, my point is that I don’t crave human contact, I crave you. I need to be next to you,” he finally gets to the point.

You’re quiet for a while, thinking, desperately trying to push ever single sign of danger to the back of your mind. And you’re about to speak when William speaks again, anxious for what you’re going to say. “Why don’t you tell me what you feel... for me?” he asks, and your ever so confident best friend all of a sudden sounds vulnerable. You look up at him for a second, meeting his nervous eyes, before you lean in and place a kiss on his shoulder. You look up again and his brows are a little furrowed, and his bottom lip is tucked between his teeth.

“Does that mean...?” he sounds hopeful, but also kind of terrified. You let your lips be tugged into a smile and you watch as a smile grows on his lips as well. You place a hand on his jaw and you push up on your elbow, pressing your lips to his for the first time since that drunken night with rounds of truth or dare at Mitch and Steph’s.

He follows you when your head falls back to your pillow, falling over you - his lips dancing against yours while his hand finds its way back to your hip. He pushes himself closer to you and as his arms wrap around you. You’re being pulled into him - legs tangling with yours, chests pressed together and his kiss deepens. Your hands are already lost in thick blonde locks when his tongue meets yours.

You want him even closer. At least, the heat pooling between your thighs want it. The butterflies in your stomach as well. Your head might think that it’s moving a little bit too fast, but you’re about to be convinced by the want between your legs that it is a good idea. You spread your legs a little bit and Will takes the hint, lightly pressing his thigh between yours - but it is not enough. You let one of your hands trail down his chest and disappear to his back, where you proceed to push him against you. He is, once again, understanding of what you want and presses his thigh further up, making a moan vibrate against his lips.

“Do you want this?” he asks, his breath labored as he pulls away from the kiss. “Yeah,” you breathe just as heavily, desperately trying to get your lips back on his. “And it’s not because of my stupid comment about getting more somewhere else?” he asks, and you can tell that it haunts him - but you knew very well what he meant. “Of course not, I know you didn’t mean it like that. To be honest, I kinda think this is moving a little bit too fast but... I don’t want to stop,” you whisper the last part. “Good. And we can stop. We can wait if you want to,” he says, always so thoughtful, his hand coming up to move a strand out of your face. “I want to wait, but I really don’t want to stop,” your cheeks heat up at the last part - the heat between your legs just not giving you a break.

“Then we’ll wait, right? I don’t want you to regret anything,” he makes the decision, and even if you think it’s the right one and you completely agree, you can’t help but feel a little disappointed as well. “Okay, good night then,” you say, letting out a deep breath before you press a kiss to his lips, one that isn’t as deep, but still lingers. “Good night,” he says it back to you, pressing another kiss to your lips, and you turn your back to him, letting him spoon you again.

But the feeling between your thighs is a lot, making the touch of his fingers feel like so much more than just a hand on your waist and his breath on your neck is no longer soothing. Instead it feels sexual and it only adds to your discomfort. Just knowing that he is behind you in nothing but his boxers is too much on its own. With a tiny wiggle of your butt you could feel the outline of his erection through his boxers, and there’s no way you can go to sleep like this.

“What do you want from this?” you ask, your voice coming out as a little harsh, even if you didn’t mean it to. “What?” he sounds confused and you once again turn around in his arms, your face ending up way too close to his. “I mean, what do you want with us... like, do you want a relationship? Or?” you explain, but he stops you right there. “Of course I want a relationship,” he bursts out, his hand coming up to cup your cheek. “A relationship where you hold my hand in public and tell your friends about it, or, like, behind closed doors?” you ask, hoping that you’re on the same page. “I mean, I’d understand if you didn’t want it but I would like a public relationship,” he says, and once again he sounds vulnerable, probably thinking about the thousands of girls following him on social media. “No, I’d like that, too,” you smile, leaning in the last few inches and kissing him.

You don’t stop kissing him, though, coming back for more after every kiss. “I don’t want to wait,” you mumble against his lips, and to your surprise he doesn’t try to fight you on your sudden change of mind, instead he hums against your lips and kisses you deeper.

[werevulvi]

Not the anon you replied to but I think the nonbinary argument falls apart for me because no one can be truly sexless nor a hermaphrodite person so this idea that they "should" be is like someone feeling they should be a minotaur or a fairy. It's so disconnected and almost entitled to bend reality that it grates on me, especially when its combined with some flavor of "but it's not a mental illness!".Even from a health pov there is no viable HRT that makes u both. And no gonads+no HRT = bad

Well, that's alright. I might just not see it from the same perspective as you. I don't really view nonbinary as one specific thing, but rather as on a greyscale kinda between male and female. It is not saying that mixing male and female traits on the same body in various ways necessarily "makes" a new gender, or truly sexless. The "gender" is merely personal interpretation.

I still battle this with myself, so it's difficult to talk about, but since I'm the only nonbinary person who's brain I know well enough to speak of... I guess I'll try.

First off though, usually the point with nonbinary isn't to be a specific "third" sex, sexless or to be some mythological hermaphodite. Humans cannot become truly sexless or be both sexes for real, but at the same time females cannot become males or vice versa either. So is it pointless to transition (with hormones and surgery) at all then?

Because at the end of the day, we're all just bio males and bio females, regardless how we feel about it, and regardless if we transition or not. That's what the reality is. But wanting to look different and putting a gendered meaning into that difference, isn't necessarily wrong, bad or illogical to me.

Like I have a teddy tiger which I sometimes refer to as simply "my tiger" even though she's not a real tiger. Because the toy resembles a tiger, and was made to resemble a tiger, it's logical enough to call her a tiger, even though it might sometimes be important to specify that it's made of fabric. Likewise, a nonbinary person might just be a female who looks partially male and partially female, due to hormones and surgery, like myself. To then say that me looking both male and female and liking it "makes" me nonbinary is no more untrue than saying that the soft toy "is" a tiger.

Because I resemble a mix of both sexes, just like the soft toy resembles a tiger. I cannot produce both sperm and eggs so I am not of both sexes for real; and my tiger cannot roar nor scratch, and is not a living creature, thus it is not a real tiger. Often times we call things not only what they are, but also what they resemble. Especially when it comes to art and other creations, but really all sorts of things. Like comparing someone's red hair to fire, or calling my balcony during hot summer days a sauna, even though red hair is not actual flames and my balcony is not an actual sauna. Why? Because it help with communication. Parables are important to describe things or to make a point. I even made another parable to describe a parable, to prove a point with a parable, just now.

Granted that most nonbinary (and binary) trans people do not view themselves as a parable to the gender of the sex they consider themselves to be, but I do.

So, consider the fact that transition doesn't actually change the person's sex, only polishes the surface to either look like the opposite sex, and/or some ambiguous variant of both/neither sex, but it can still make that person feel better about themselves. Is it then pointless for them to do things that make them feel better and find ways to lead a more functional life, regardless of how redundant it might seem to you? Because to me, the point of transitioning is not to become something else (whether that be male, female, sexless or a hermaphrodite), but to reduce dysphoria to improve over all life quality for the dysphoric person. And yes, dysphoria is a mental illness. I wouldn't wanna argue against that. I view my dysphoria as the defect, not my sex. And no, transitioning doesn't help every dysphoric person, but I think it's pretty clear that it helps for some. So then there's just not that much of a difference between... say, transitioning with T and top surgery to live as a self-perceived man - and transitioning with only T to live as a self-perceived half man-half woman. Because neither of those two examples can truly become anything other than a female anyway, so why does it matter? It might not matter to you, but it probably matters to them.

Also, I don't think anyone "should" be of the other sex or some other variant either. I just think people can do whatever they want with their own bodies if it makes them happy, and call themselves whatever they want if they feel that's useful for them somehow.

Both males and females, as well as intersex conditions that look ambiguous exist. Fairies and minotaurs do not. Even if they might be loosely based on bulls and fireflies. I could literally fool people to believe that I'm both male and female by simply saying some stupid shit like "I was born with both a dick and a pussy" because a lot of people have heard that can be a thing, even though they would know it's rare, they likely know it's humanly possible in some way. Getting people to believe I'm a fairy or minotaur would probably be a lot harder, unless they’re 5 years old.

How much or what kind of dysphoria somehow has doesn't really matter, I think. Dysphoria is dysphoria. And yeah, I would at least be willing to possibly extend that non-dysphoric people who seem genuinely more satisfied with themselves post-transition. Because then so what, good for them.

But yeah, I know even I have an easier time accepting certain types of nonbinary more than other types. Someone wanting no genitals, I would personally find very concerning, but someone wanting both a dick and pussy, I wouldn't be nearly as worried about. Someone wanting physical changes that can realistically be acquired through hormones, surgery, etc, would not be as concerning for me as someone wanting... say for example a big beard but not a deeper voice, and start dabbling with testosterone anyway.

You're right that there is no hormone that makes you "both" but it's possible to look androgynous in various ways with the hormones available. Sure, I may pass as male, have a beard and flat chest, but I also have a curvy figure and a pussy. To me, that's kind of a way to look like "both" sexes at once. Not evenly, and not like a hermaphrodite stereotype, but it is a combination of male and female sex characteristics that together makes me look kinda half and half. How I "achieved" that was simply by first going through female puberty (naturally) and then taking testosterone (on standard, "full" dose) for a significant amount of time, and get a mastectomy. Totally doable. Although my personal results depend highly on my genetic as well, of course. For other variants of androgyny, some manage to achieve that with low dose hormones, or going off the hormones after a shorter time on them. Some also go on and off hormones (not sure how healthy that is though.) Not everyone gets their intended results, but I have seen many variants that have looked good to me. I’m not advocating for getting one’s gonads removed and then not take any sort of hrt, or doing hrt without a knowledgable doctor’s supervision.

So really all I can say is I'm generally okay-ish with the concept of nonbinary, but some aspects/variants of it does concern me, make me uncomfortable, make me roll my eyes, or even viscerally upset me. I'm still quicker to critisise nb than I am to defend it, however... I do both critisise and defend it.

Whether I want to admit it or not, I'm practically nonbinary myself, even though I scoff at the concept and can name a hundred things wrong with it. I don't wanna label myself that, though. I hate it.

Let me put it this way: In an ideal world I'd just exist as myself like this, take my testosterone just because I like it (and not because I'm x, y or z gender), dress however I want (without it being questioned to mean I wanna be x, y or z gender), and be openly proud about my bio sex being female (without people telling me they don't believe it), without having to label myself anything at all. Alternatively, I'd also be fine with carrying a label which doesn't exclude ANY of those things I like being/doing with my body, style, name, etc.

But thing is I don't live in an ideal world. I live in Sweden. And in Sweden, we call freaks like me nonbinary. Because women don't wanna take testosterone to look like bearded men in dresses, and (trans) men don't love being female. Only nonbinary people do. So I’m only really nonbinary because I don’t fit any other label, and well, most people I know/come across dislike it too.

At the end of the day my body is just me and I just am like this. It doesn't actually "mean" anything, other than that I had dysphoria and acted on it. I love being female and I love being transitioned. Thus, I feel like I am in some highly abstract and vague sense "a little bit of both" sexes, and I don't think that's a particularly strange conclusion to come to, given my situation. I don't mean it literally. It's just how I relate to my body, and it's how the world relates to me. Sure, far from everyone “reads” me as nonbinary, but the sheer number of people who have told me I should identify that way... is flabbergasting, seriously. It’s like 20+ people who told me that, unprompted. Both people I’ve known, and strangers.

So, as I'm reluctantly trying to slap the uncomfortable nonbinary label on my own ass... perhaps I "shouldn't" invalidate my own kind, while I'm at it. However, the only thing I'd kindly ask of others to "validate" about me is my humanity, and to respect my bodily autonomy. If others think of me as a man or woman, both or neither, I truly do not care. But would I ever truly advocate for the nonbinary community? No, I don't think so. For the most part it’s regressive and goes against my values. I'd rather have gender be done away with, because ultimately I think that's a much better goal... even though it’s a pipedream. We can all dream, right?

So I mean... I'm probably not the best person to come to for some solid argument in support of nonbinary.

[padalickingood]

-NEED HELP MOVING OUT-

Hi everyone! This one’s gonna be a long one but I hope I can implore you all to take a quick minute of your time to read this and hopefully share it with others TvT. I’ve really been taking my time procrastinating from writing this because I never liked talking much about my own personal situation and dumping that on people, but I’ve unfortunately reached a point where I'm a bit desperate for any kind of help If I am going to try and make this happen.  

Recently I’ve started a serious goal of saving up enough money in order to move out by early next summer. I have attempted to make plans to move from my family home many times in the past couple of years and unfortunately have never managed to get anywhere near to achieving that goal due to my financial situation. Things have gotten increasingly stressful and emotionally exhausting in my current situation and I’ve officially hit that point where I’m willing to ask for assistance online.  

As a freelance artist, even with my Etsy, Patreon, ko-fi, and commission work combined I barely manage to make enough for basic living essentials which doesn’t include any sort of insurance or homeowner/apt owner expenses. Currently I do my very best to pay for as much as I can on my own and even so I still require support from my parents by them allowing me to live with them and them providing internet etc. What I pay for out of pocket is limited to things I need personally such as food, clothes, basic living supplies, art/store supplies etc. I’ve also recently limited myself from buying anything that is not completely necessary for essential living like eating out, movies, buying gifts over a certain price limit for friends, as well as canceling any travel plans from here on out. 

At this point I feel like It’s important for me to explain why I am a freelance artist as opposed to having any other type of job that could potentially be easier and pay better. This may be a bit of a tl;dr but I feel like it should at least be mentioned because the impact it’s had. Several years ago (I wanna say 2013 ish?) I dropped out of my community college because of essentially having a breakdown. The entire experience had left such a negative impact on me that my mood had very noticeably 180’d from high school to 2nd year of college. It was probably the closest I've come to being any level of depressed, which is not a word I throw around lightly as it’s something I don’t think I've felt anywhere near the level of those who struggle with it. Overall those years were so incredibly demoralizing and difficult for me that I made the tough decision of leaving school, something I had never even considered doing in my past (I never even skipped class in high school up until last day of senior year lol). Deciding to leave when I did though was probably the right decision because to this day, I still feel the lasting negative effects those years had on me. After I left school, I picked up a retail job and worked there for about a year and half. It wasn’t something I was really eager to do but was necessary as I wasn’t going to school anymore. With no degree though a minimum wage job was my only real option. Unfortunately, my experiences working weren’t all that positive either (as something I'm sure many of you also experience). I struggled to maintain motivation and continued to feel incredibly negative. It got so bad that it effected my relationships with family and friends as it kept me in a very antisocial mood. I ended up quitting that job shortly after and decided to try and go full freelance. Ever Since then I've worked on building up my store, commissions and anything else I could to try and make money from my art. To this day I still struggle with building up my online presence to the point where I can make a living off of it, but one thing that drastically changed for the better was my mood. My mental health has always been an absolute priority for me and I make a conscious effort to never force myself into anything that I know will have a negative impact on my health, which is why I dropped out of college and quit that job. I knew that if I stayed there it would have absolutely gotten so bad that It would have left much deeper scars than it has. And Although working in Freelance is no easy task and comes with its own degrees of stress, I find it far more rewarding and worth managing that stress. 

But as a result of those years I’ve been afraid of going back to either school or a minimum wage job. I know if I return to a job like that it will pull me back into a mental space that I'm just not willing to sacrifice myself to, and as far as College goes, I simply can’t afford it. However, with deciding to become a freelance artist I've dedicated my time to trying to build myself back up with my art and create a presence online where I can simultaneously do what I know makes me happy while also earning a living off of it. My progress has been slow and over the years I've felt like I've hit a standstill which brings me to my overall goal of wanting to move out. As I mentioned before I had been making attempts to move since around the time I worked in retail. Things haven’t panned out since then as I am still struggling to try and build up my store/Patreon/overall customer basis online. Unfortunately, also within these past few years tensions have been at a pretty constant high in my household because of it. There’s an added weight of still being so reliant on my parents after all these years and it being used against me, that the stress I’ve accumulated from it has kept me from being as productive as I would like. Recently with some current events I’ve just about hit a breaking point and am willing to do anything I can in order to save up so I can officially move out. I’m incredibly tired emotionally from still being here and I’ve started to take serious steps to making this move happen. Luckily I’ve been able to find a friend I can move out with so I won’t be paying rent on my own and I’ve calculated how much I could potentially make a month if I stick to a packed workload schedule. It’s not ideal but I’ve committed to this freelance work and I’m willing to work as hard as I can to reach my goal, and if all goes well then by this time next year i’ll be able to move out.

In writing this I hope that I can ask for support in helping me raise enough so I can try and move out of an unhealthy situation into hopefully something better.  

And to be clear I'm not doing a kickstarter or gofund me. That’s just simply not something this warrants. I know have options and I know that all I need to do is to work much much harder than someone with a 9to5 in order to earn what I need. The only reason I decided to write this out is to share WHY your support is so incredibly important to me and why sharing my work to anyone you can is very essential to my livelihood. Right now, I am very far away from earning nearly enough on a monthly basis in order to move out within a year, but I'm hoping that can change for the better. I simply ask for those who support my work to continue to do so and for those who haven’t and are absolutely financially able to consider supporting my work and share it with anyone you know. Whether it’s commissions, store merch, Patreon rewards, ko-fi etc. Every tiny bit helps me so much!  

---------------------------- 

Here are the ways you can support me!

✪ Patreon: With the cheapest tier being 2$ a month you guys can get early access to all of my artwork a month in advance as well as other bonus content at the 2$ and above tier that is exclusive to patrons only. I have details about my rewards and goals on my Patreon that you don’t have to pay to view! Simply visit my homepage and browse through the rewards and bio to see if it interests you! 

✪ Ko-fi: I recently added a moving goal fund there which will show its progress with each kofi donation! The goal is ambitions and I don’t really expect to reach it but I wanted to just aim high and try and earn as much as I can. Also, I do sketch commissions there occasionally and may do other types of small commissions. So, if you’d like to support me while also getting something for yourself keep an eye out for my announcements on my twitter! 

✪ Commissions/adoptables: I’m going to officially be opening up my commissions soon but before that I wanted to try my hand at selling some adoptables! I’ll have more information about them after I finish up my current batch of commissions but I'm going to try and stick to those for now with some small YCH commissions sprinkled in between. After those though I’ll be opening up regular commissions again ^^ 

✪ Etsy:  I’m actually not sure If I'm going to keep my store up for much longer since I get charged a fee on each listing but before it closes you could help support me by buying merch from my store! 

-------------------------- 

And lastly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read through this and for those who follow me/support me in any way that you can. Even your reblogs/retweets on my work mean so much to me and help me so much I could never fully express how much I’m thankful to have such an amazing and lovely following of people <3 Thank you for your time

[taliatremblay]

❝ flowers freshly cut and wrapped in newspaper, / that’s how I want to rest, my dreams / like white petals absorbing ink. ❞

❄ · · · TALIA TREMBLAY has been in Ellingham for 19 years and they look exactly like MOLLY GORDON. Having turned NINETEEN years old on their last birthday, they are currently a SECRETARY AT A NURSING HOME and ARE HAPPY WITH THAT. Known as the TEEN MOM, it’s no secret that they're OPEN-MINDED & HARD-WORKING, but also UPTIGHT & SENSITIVE. If you’re to meet them, please remember that they are a CIS WOMAN and use SHE/HER. { SAM + 24 + THEY/THEM + EST }

♡ CHARACTER PARALLELS — Helen Parr ( The Incredibles ) + Rory Gilmore ( Gilmore Girls ) + Pam Beesly ( The Office ) + Martha Jones ( Doctor Who ) + Sandy Olsen ( Grease ) + Sookie Stackhouse ( True Blood ) + Princess Peach ( Super Mario Bros. ) + Lisa Simpson ( The Simpsons ) + Emily Fields ( Pretty Little Liars ) + Padme Amidala ( Star Wars )

STATS PAGE + PINTEREST BOARD

TWs: teenage pregnancy, grandparental death, alcohol, drugs, alzheimer.

talia had a pretty good and regular childhood. her parents had her when they were thirty years old and settled into their lives, and she was an only child all her life. her dad worked a job that often took him out of ellingham, often needing to go to london, vancourver, toronto, nyc, paris, etc. but wasn’t a big executive that made a lot of money, and her mother worked from home, and they belonged to the middle class. therefore, pretty ordinary childhood. she had a good relationship with her parents, they talked about everything openly, and though they did argue from time to time, of course, they had a pretty good lil family. 

she did start to party a lot towards her last two years of high school, though, and got pregnant after hooking up with WANTED CONNECTION #06 at a party. talia decided to keep the child, and though she told the other parent that she didn’t necessarily want their financial support, since they were just as young as she was, she did ask them to be part of their child’s life. the rest of talia’s relationship with that person will be determined once someone applies for this connection!

she was seventeen years old when her son, leo, was born, and luckily enough for her, he was born the summer right after she had graduated high school (since high school ends at 17 in québec). she decided not to go to cégep, and to find a job instead, so that she could help pay for all the things she and leo would need. her parents offered to help, and they did help a lot in the beginning, but talia didn’t feel comfortable with that, and now only lets them spoil leo (they are his grandparents after all) and pay for 25% of her rent. 

she lives in an half-basement-ish type of apartment with leo, now, which is only a five minutes drive away from talia’s parents’ house. they do have boundaries about when they can visit each other, though, as they want talia to feel like a real adult tm since she literally has a child. also, they respect her privacy, so!

talia currently works as a secretary at the maison des marguerites, aka ellingham’s nursing home, and is well loved by all its residents and their visitors. she’s just???? really agreeable and kind to people, and a good person overall, and it shows.

ALCOHOL, DRUGS & ALZHEIMER TW. can be uptight, though. like, when she partied in high school, she had to get really drunk and/or high to be able to let loose and have fun, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to. she never had black outs, though, always managing to keep control of herself, as losing control was a big fear of hers after seeing her grandma deal with alzheimer’s. 

ALZHEIMER & GRANDPARENTAL DEATH TW. her grandma was probably talia’s favourite person in the world, so it was very difficult to lose her last year. she was the one who had managed to convince the nursing home’s manager to hire talia, before the alzheimer took over. i won’t go into details about the whole alzheimer thing, because my own grandma suffered from it and it makes me a sad sam tm, but i’ll just say that it was very hard for talia in the last two years of her grandmother’s life. it’s why she keeps a picture of her grandma, and a picture of leo, in a lil heart-shaped locket that she wears most of the time. 

i’ll be making a wanted connections page soon, and will link it both on here and in the discord chat! also, i’ll eventually write a bio for talia and some more info, and will share it with y’all when that’s done!

[cure-candy]

Sweet! Dreaming Precure

Hi!  My name is Ellie and I am creating a Precure fan series.  I discovered Precure over the summer and was instantly drawn to the colorful optimism that the show presents.  I recently thought of the idea of making my closest friends and me into Cures!  This started off as a powerpoint presentation with ideas, names, reference pictures, and small bios.  I’m not an artist, otherwise, I would have just drawn them.  But when talking to a friend about this, she suggested that I turn it into a school project where I can learn to draw and animate a show.  I immediately took this to the independent study teacher and signed up.  So now, here I am!  This blog may become part of my final project even!  I’m going to talk about what I know so far, and put it below the cut!

Basics

Sweet! Dreaming Precure has the typical dream theme.  Following your dreams no matter what, because that’s just what inspires me.  Other themes are creativity, self-expression, and candy!  There are 6 main characters: Cal, Elle, Amira, Lizzie, Sabrina, and Hannah.  (Sweet! Dreaming Precure will be in English, located in the town where my friends and I live, simply because it’s what we all know best.)  

Characters 

Please note that I do not know some of the finer details just yet, or have drawings for these characters.

Cal/Cure Aria - Cal is non-binary/agender.  The bubbly, outgoing, cheery protagonist!  Loves to visit the candy store and share candy with their friends!  Civilian wear, they dress pretty casual, somewhat edgy.  Often wears a headband and sometimes even a cat ear headband!  Hair is short, straight and light brown.  Cal is an actor!  They love being in musicals and singing and dancing on stage!  Cure Aria - The Pink Cure!!! Hair turns bright magenta and grows a bit longer too.  Two little pigtails?  Undecided.  But definitely a feminine outfit.  Fancy ruffle skirt, pretty lace things, and pink!  

Elle/Cure Candy - Elle is happy and extroverted but also a crybaby and very pouty.  Elle is a dancer!  She loves ballet the most.  She works at the candy store and loves to hang out with the kiddos that come by.  She loves kids!  Her civilian wear is very pastel and soft.  She wears cute sneakers and skirts and little hair barrettes!  She has dark brown curly hair, that she wears in two pigtails!  She has bangs too!  Cure Candy - The Yellow Cure!  Hair turns yellow, like a pastel yellow and grows longer but sticks with the pigtail & bangs look.  She gets a kind of ballet tutu/bubble skirt and bubble sleeves.  Lots of tulle accents in pink.  Pink hints and candy bows!  Ballet slipper shoes!

The Cure Candy & Cure Crystal friendship.  Elle and Amira have been best friends since 2nd grade and are basically inseparable.  So naturally, they kinda have a duo transformation.  That’s just the thing.  Their outfits aren’t too too matchy but that’s alright.  They’re kind of opposites so it doesn’t make sense for them to be perfectly matching all the time.

Amira/Cure Crystal - Amira is quiet, friendly, artistic and rather introverted.  She loves art!  She’s really good at all art forms and loves to make art for her friends.  She looooves her little Civilian wear, she wears loose, flowy clothes usually, sometimes cuffed jeans and converse.  Glasses.  Amira wears a hijab in the civilian and Cure form because she is Muslim.  Cure Crystal - The Blue Cure!  Still has her hijab!  Angelic vibes, very flowy, soft and pretty.  Light blue, tulle accents.  

Lizzie/Cure Flower - Lizzie is pretty serious on the outside, caring, quiet and friendly.  Secretly, she is very sassy and sarcastic.  She loves baking!  Long, light brown hair, always kept up in a messy bun.  Sweaters and turtlenecks, flowy dresses.  Floral!!!  Cure Flower - The Green Cure!  Hair turns a light green and one very long braid with flowers!  Flowy, off the shoulders and elegant.  Kinda floral, nature-ish themed.

Sabrina/Cure Mystery - Grumpy, defensive and very protective of her friends!  She has a real soft spot for Elle.  Sabrina is a singer/songwriter!  She plays the guitar!  She also enjoys fashion and dressing up!  Civilian wear, she dresses very edgy, pop-punk.  With skirts and combat boots!  Black straight hair with bangs, kinda long?  But not too long.  She has a cat, named Kay, who is friends with Lucky.  Cure Mystery - The Purple Cure!  Hair turns galaxy and grows out longer and curlier.  Purple dress with black tulle accents.  Dramatic and long.  Edgy and mysterious.

Hannah/Cure Alchemy - Hannah is the 6th ranger.  Moves in town midway through the season.  She is sassy, serious, funny and memey.  Hannah likes photography/filmmaking.  Hannah’s biggest passion though is science.  She wants to be a scientist and make a change in the world.  Androgynous style.  Wears button-ups often, usually flannels or hawaiian shirts. Hair is similar to Cal’s but light blonde and straighter.  Cure Alchemy - The Red Cure!  Hair grows longer and the tips are dyed black.  She has a shorts/skirt look going on.  Pretty androgynous style still.  Epic boots.  Red with dark red tulle accents.

The Lore (ig)

Candyland is the world of Princess Emily and her lover, Prince Aaron.  When Queen Nightmare and her workers attacked, Princess Emily used up the last of her power to send her away, damage her health close to death and to send her prince and her cat fairy, Lucky, to earth to find the legendary Precure who can save Candyland. 

Queen Nightmare.  She wanted to make it big, make people proud.  But she failed and people laughed her off stage for because they didn’t like her idea.  She decided from that day on she would make sure that no one could express themselves, so no one can get hurt.  No one can reach their dreams because no one has dreams.  Her henchmen are as follows:

James: The edgy one, angsty, funny.  James so far is the only villain with a backstory.  I won’t say it here as for spoilers but let’s just say, he lost someone close to him.  Eventually, the Cures will befriend him and convince him that he doesn’t need to destroy the world’s dreams.

Alice: Genius one, smart ideas but backfires.  Wholesome.  She uses magic to lure the Cures into traps but it fails.

Nina: The one with history with the fairy/prince/princess, hates them

One aspect of Precure series that I love to see is a Cure Hangout!  So here ya go!

Elle’s candy store!!! Her boss (turns out her boss is Prince Aaron) doesn’t care that all her friends are over all the time, they all get along great with kids for the most part and can help out!  They all talk about things, the mysteries of Candyland, Princess Emily, and everything.  The kids sometimes overhear and they play it off as a make-believe story.  Prince Aaron also overhears and discovers their identities.

Random ideas for the series

- Sabrina is difficult to get to join the team.  She doesn’t want to do something like that with people, she’s kind of secretive and is worried about letting people in.  Elle is the key to getting her, she has a real soft spot for Elle.

- Lucky and Kay get along well.  Lucky decides that she likes Kay and does some magic and now Kay is able to talk.  Sabrina is shocked but not overly upset.  Kay is spunky, sassy and adorable.  Lucky is more serious.  The two of them make up the mascots.  

- An episode where Elle’s sister, Gale, will have an episode where she finds out about Elle’s powers and steals them.  She becomes Cure Calculous.  Everyone is shocked and Cure Calculous has to fight with them for a little bit.  Elle is upset with her sister and Gale learns that being a magical girl is harder than she thought.  She gives Elle her powers back.  Lucky though, isn’t satisfied.  Lucky wipes Gale’s memory of her sister being a magical girl.  

- Gale is a 5th-grade genius.  She is very smart, has read War and Peace and is on the high school Mathletes team.  

- An episode where everyone has a crisis about college.  The girls are seniors now and realize that when they all go to their own colleges, they won’t be able to fight as a team anymore or see each other.  This divides them for a little bit but eventually, in the midst of a fight, the remember that their friendship is stronger than distance and they become stronger.

- Each girl will have an episode near the end where they overcome a personal struggle and unlock a special power that ends up being the pieces to the puzzle to defeating Queen Nightmare.

[sophocused]

not so mini academic update

I feel like I've been on hiatus as a studyblr for a very long time that I'm an entirely different person than who I was when I was active.

I was an unemployed, grungy, lil ball of anxiety going into first year of uni, aspiring pharmacist. not two months into my first year, my SO of two years and I broke up because we were just growing into too diff of people.

the emotions of not having someone to depend on for romantic "sustenance" aka the withdrawal after 2 years of that type of love was a mountain of growing pains.

I dove aggressively towards wanting to be my own unlimited source of love, support, courage, security, and empowerment. I was driven by the unmoving desire to become the version of myself I could say I love.

Finishing my first year of uni doing a full 5x5 course load, I didn't pass the application process to get into the Pharm program because my GPA was too low. Beaten down because that was my plan since I was in junior high, in came big mental numero dos.

I was thinking, "Oh I can just apply again next year and boost my GPA in the meantime."

HOHO then my university decided to add another 8 required courses to apply to Pharm, AND also required to take and get a good mark on the +$500 PCAT.

I'll skip the long drawl of my mental battle within myself and hours of meditating over what to do about my future now.

I realized I didn't want to do pharmacy. I love science; chem, bio and all that, but pharmacy was only my first pick bc it made $100k a year. I didn't pick it with passion for the career, really. With that, I realized money like that isn't what I'm after in life.

My personality and soul is driven to be connected to others and be given the opportunity to help mold others into their truest selves. (This'll be important for when I get to what happens in 2nd yr uni)

So from 1st year, I moved into the faculty of science for the general science degree program. The plan was to keep doing science, specifically bio and chem, and with that I could be some form of technician or be able to work in a lab after I graduate.

I'll skip the depressing summer of 2018 when I couldn't get a job and I felt so inadequate about it, in that I was 19 and had never worked a day in my life.

On Oct 1st, 2018, I had just by chance applied online to a bunch of jobs even though I had low faith in getting into them since it was already a month into the 2nd uni year.

On Oct 2nd, 2018, I got a call from the private school for a job interview. I went, spoke to the principal for 5 min, she told me I was the last interview and that she was worried she wouldn't find someone right for her kids, but that she was lucky to have found me. I got hired to a job well above minimum wage for my first job and started Oct. 3rd. It was. so freeing.

Then came the 3 months of treating myself to things I could never afford hehe, given this new area of expression unlocked.

I failed a class for the first time in my life, because I kept having to leave that class early to get to my job on time. Mini mental breakdown. Then recuperated and adapted, as I always do.

I became inspired by my role in the students' lives and realized it was the kind of environment I wanted to be in. In a position to help mold characters into the truest, freest, best versions of themselves.

So now, I'm aiming to become a high school chemistry teacher. Or a biology teacher. Or a pre-calculus teacher. Either way, this career path, I'm once again excited and ambitious for. It has felt true to me, and as I keep revealing myself to myself piece by piece, it proves to me more how much it's the right career for me.

After working at the school til the end of the school year, they asked me if I wanted to come back and I said you betcha, now I have a secure employment from sept.2019-june2020 yaher

Onto 3rd year uni I go this September 2019, paying my tuition all on my own for the first time, and money no longer being an issue for the first time.

SO THAT WAS MY PERSONAL-ISH UPDATE

As for studyblr's sake update, I'll be taking biochem 1, ochem 1, and behavioural psyc in fall 2019, then genetics, cell biology, microbio 2, and stat 2 in winter 2020

I've begun my reviewing for ochem, and also already found a pdf for the psyc textbook. As a uni studyblr, I'm not sure if I'll go back to making physical notes but I'm trying it out again.

I'm working a full time summer job this summer from beginning of july to end of aug, and since they actually give me 9 hour shifts, I get 2 hour breaks. Ya girl has been in an insanely productive mood lately, so you betcha bottom dolla I'm using majority of that time to study in a nearby café.

Seriously, I had a long weekend, and I spent it voluntarily deepcleaning and organizing my room. It's been great. I've been a great big ball of sunshine for the past three weeks and counting 🌻

Thank you kind person for reading 💛 I appreciate.

[bartsugsy]

anon under the cut - my answer gets pretty heavily spoilery so take this as your warning:

What do you think we are inching closer to?...   

What do you think we are inching closer to? A reunion seems impossible with Rebecca and the baby sticking around. I wish I could want Robron together no matter what like other people, but I don't want Aaron to have to help raise her child.

lmao anon - rebecca isn’t sticking around? emily isn’t filming anymore (and hasn’t been since the end of november, i think) 

and robron... are literally getting back together. soon(-ish).

don’t ignore the basic facts, dude 😂

i have no idea what’s going to happen to the baby, because we don’t... actually know yet.... but if you want my honest take on it?

i really don’t personally mind him staying given that rebecca is leaving? soap babies are rarely seen or heard unless they’re plot relevant so i don’t think the boys will get do bogged down in baby drama forever more - and also i think they would make a conscious effort to show that aaron is ultimately ok with things? like, we’re probs not gonna watch aaron suffering in silence for the rest of his life/relationship with robert about a baby? that seems... really implausible???? tbh? more likely is that they’ll have aaron be ok with it and grow to love the baby? 

they’ve literally just had a whole (sort of in the background with iffy pacing, admittedly, but we can’t have it all) story about the glacial pace change in attitudes around the kid

aaron’s still not there yet, but i don’t think they’re going to take him back to a darker place after they’ve spent over a year telling a story about him getting better. that’s completely illogical? and i’d imagine they’ll sort of want to move on to something else? 

i don’t, really don’t, understand why people don’t think they’ll write him in a way that shows him... what? getting back together with robert but resenting the small baby? people can forgive and move on - that’s literally where we’ve been in this story for a while now yk

(again, i do think they would have benefitted from giving aaron a stronger pov but that’s one of many storytelling criticisms i have for this show and i’m sure i’ll have many more as the years go on - it’s never gonna get everything right, i’m really not too pressed about it lmao) 

and fine if you yourself don’t feel that way or don’t want to accept that of aaron, but that’s sort of.... more your problem than the show’s? and they’re sadly never going to cater to any one of us specifically.

i just don’t think that it will be as big of a deal as people make it out to be, in all honesty

if the baby stays, then it will be with rob and then robron and rob will love the baby and aaron will love the baby and they’ll probably struggle or whatever and i’m sure there will be drama bc it’s a soap 

but we’re not going to revert to aaron circa summer ‘17 here

that’s sort of the point

he’s a fictional character and they’re telling a story, so they’ll have him react however they want him to - and given that we know that robert and aaron aren’t gonna grow any further apart for the forseeable

i reckon he’ll be fine lmao

and they’ll have new storylines and be a lil (actually now five person u can’t take gerry away from me) family

give us the liv storyline u losers

and rebecca’s name will probably never be mentioned again, in all honesty (which - how many kids are raised by people who aren’t their biological parents on this show and how many times does the show talk about that? it might be mentioned occasionally, particularly if the bio parent is still around, but.... actually, biology on this show kind of means nothing - it’s all about who your family really is and that aligns so perfectly with the way i view family that i’m always genuinely sort of offended when people say aaron could never love the baby lmao. like. robert never talks about his biological mother, for instance)

i mean.... u can list on one hand all of the adult characters who don’t have at least one child that they’re responsible for/helping to raise on this show (harriet, vic (and she’s trying), pete... and tha’t it, i think?). soaps love babies - because they need to continue to grow families and create future generations, especially for characters and families that they want to keep around. they love throwing children at characters. 

robron are the last major couple who don’t have a kid (and i can’t even really count liv because they don’t actually have much of that kind of parental relationship with her at all)

so it was gonna happen

hate how it happened all you want but... babies out of cheating is also a soap staple and that’s not gonna change because it was your otp that was affected, yk?

i just

i don’t think it’s gonna be the horror show that everyone seems to expect it to be. the whites are all leaving. seb is... staying? maybe? i guess? robron are getting back together. i’m sure the show will join those dots in an interesting/not so straightforward way as always, but at the same time... 

dad!rob with the whites in tow isn’t going to exist anymore

it would be dad!rob and then dad!robron. the whites are just gonna be a long and distant memory.

apart from lachlan who will inevitably come back to get his serial killer revenge in four years

he better

(i mean, it’s hilariously offensive to rebecca but i’m just setting aside my outrage as a woman for the sake of a quieter life, as one does, lmao) 

uh, but yeah. i think we’re inching closer to a reunion. i’m actually writing a whole post on that bit right now (and i stopped halfway through to answer this haha) so i’ll cover that in there, but

we’re honest to god getting there

but this is all just my opinion yk

[madelinecoffee]

The Right People Ch. 2

Summary: Its Junior Year of college and after the break-up with her ex-girlfriend Riley Matthews wants to focus on school and her friends, most especially her new friendship with Lucas. She’s hoping that with the right people this year will be a great one. Fancast: x A/N: In this Riley is bisexual, and this fic does deal with emotional abuse. If you’re sensitive to that proceed reading this fic with caution. Next time: Girls’ Night In, Riley gets some texts, Girls’ night gets crashed  Word Count: 2,651 Ch. 1 

A large part of Lucas liked Wednesdays, he had class with Riley and it was the day they met up to do reviewing and their partner assignments for their shared class. They were in the middle of the third week of classes and Lucas and his friends had fallen into a schedule, they almost always ate diner together and they would mostly each lunch together. But every other day usually ended up being Riley and him and one of their friends, usually Farkle. He of course loved hanging out with his friends, and being with Riley anytime was great. He was sure she was quickly becoming his best friend. But he loved when it was just the two of them and she would talk with him. They were never at a loss for things to say and he felt like he could tell the pretty brunette anything. And their assignment they were working on today would involve a lot of back and forth, idea bouncing, one on one time with Riley and Lucas could not wait.

           What he could wait for was his science class he had Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the morning. The class itself was interesting but his current lab partner was the devil re-incarnate, he was sure of it. She had red-ish blonde hair that was straight as a pin and was constantly turning her head and hitting him in the face with it. She also never did her share of the work, always trying to get him to do it. And she never stooped talking. Today she was rambling on to Jessie and his partner Abby who sat across from them about this girl she had hooked up with this past weekend.

“So we’re getting back to my place and things are getting heated…” Lucas tried to tune her out as he got his stuff out, he really didn’t care until Jessie spoke up,

“Wait…I thought you already had a girlfriend? I liked her she was always nice” Lucas liked Jessie they had previously had classes together and Jessie too seemed to want to stop hearing up her sex life as much as he did.

His lab partner scoffed, “No. We broke up before summer.  And of course she was nice to you, she probably wanted to get in your pants. Thank god we’re over she was awful. She was so insecure and was always doing the wrong thing.  I mean man she was so gorgeous. Those cheek bones and her legs. But her looks couldn’t save the insecurity that dripped off her. Plus she was bi and I just don’t need to deal with that.” Lucas couldn’t help but scoff at her statement and speak up.

“What do you mean she was bi and that was an issue?”

“Just ya know, bi girls are usually cheaters. They can’t be happy with just one gender they’re greedy and want it all.” Lucas was about to loose it, but he counted to ten and kept his temper under control.

“Well I don’t think that’s true at all a few of my best friends are bi girls and neither of them is a cheater.” Before his lab partner could respond the class started. Of course they were assigned a group project. Lucas was thankful that after this project they would be switching up partners, and that Abby and Jessie would be working with them too. They had to rush off to class but talked about meeting up later that week to start.

An hour or so later Lucas was in his room fuming once again at his lab partner. She was being so uncooperative  in making plans for their project and he was still pissed about her earlier comments. It was just boiling inside of him and this was the last straw.  He tired to do his coping skills but the rage took over and before thinking forcefully punched the wall.

“Fuck!”

“Oh my god Lucas!” Riley ran over and grabbed the hand he had just used to punch the wall, in his fit of rage over his lab partner he had forgotten that Riley was coming over. Zay or Farkle must have let her into the apartment. He felt so embarrassed he didn’t want Riley to see him like this. But she was already sitting him down on his bed before brining her backpack over. She ducked her head into it and came back up with a white box.

“Let me see your hand, we gotta clean up these cuts.” Riley gave him a small smile as she cleaned up the wound.

“Not that I’m not grateful for this Ri but why do you carry a first-aid kit?” Lucas asked as she dapped his knuckles. Riley gave him a knowing look,

“Luc. You know how clumsy I am, after a while I just stared carrying one around. It’s helpful. Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry for just taking care and” She looked mortified as she realized what she was doing

Lucas cut her off before she continued, “There is no reason to apologize Riley, and I really appreciate it. And I like the take-charge Riley, she’s pretty cool.” He gave her a wink and a nudge enjoying the light blush that coated her cheeks.  As she started to wrap his knuckles she gave a sigh,

“Paula hated it when I took charge so I kind of re-learned not to. But I’m working on it…” Riley looked away as she shrugged, she always felt like she had to explain her apologizes to Lucas because he hadn’t known her before Paula and she really hadn’t told him the whole story yet. Lucas knew not to ask he tried to subtly once but she had just shut down and gone cold and he didn’t want to see her like that ever again.

Riley finished wrapping his hand and gave him a smile as she put her first aid kit back in her bag. “So do you want to tell me why you punched the wall?” Riley asked giving him a hopeful look, she loved talking to him and loved learning new things about him. He was quickly becoming her best friend and favorite person to talk to and if she could help him not punch any more walls she would.

Lucas sighed deeply before facing her, “Um. It was a few things. I’m stressed about this group project for Bio 2 and my lab partner was being awful today. Like extra awful she was making some biphobic comments and I just urgh. I did try to correct her biphobic comments but either way she still made them and it made me mad”

Riley gave him a look, “Okay that explains why you were stressed and mad but not why you actually punched the wall.”

Lucas took a deep sigh, “So when I was in middle school I had really bad anger problems. I got into fights constantly half the time just because some dude made a snide comment at me. When I was going into 7th grade my parents put me in therapy and it helped, a lot. I didn’t fight in school as much, but when I was stressed or upset I still took that emotion out with my fists.” Lucas had started play with Riley’s fingers well he told his story and Riley couldn’t help but grin at his gentle touch, “So I kept going therapy and eventually got some coping skills to help with the anger. But its still like at the surface when stuff like this happens and usually I’ll go to the gym and beat the living shit out a punching bag. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m trying not to deal like this but old habits die hard ya know?”

Riley nodded her head, “Yeah I know what you mean. Um when I get overly anxious I don’t really eat. Like I can only hold down toast and like I don’t want to eat anyway. And like I’m trying to be better and Maya knows so she’ll make sure I eat my toast. But like days like today…I’m anxious for no reason and I don’t even want to eat. And just haven’t been able to anyway. So I get the old habits die hard.” She gave him a smile hoping to reassure him that she understood the ‘old habits die hard’ but it slowly disappeared at the look on his face

“You haven’t eaten today? Its like 2 pm Riley.” He pulled up her and brought her to the kitchen still holding her hand as he sat her at the table, “I’m making you some toast and you’re going to eat it.” Lucas told her leaving no room for argument.

Riley tried to keep the fluttering of her heart at bay but she was so touched by the worry of Lucas, she simply gave a quiet okay as he made her toast. Once it was made it cut the two pieces into eight little triangles and sat down next to her. She looked at the toast for a moment and then at Lucas.

Lucas saw her give the toast a look and he sensed her discomfort she had, she was anxious for no reason but he hadn’t done anything to ease that he was too hung up about the fact that she didn’t eat. He wanted to make her smile so he took a piece of the toast and started flying it through the air like an airplane,

“Open wide for the airplane Ri, its needs a landing patch” He smiled at her giggling form as he fed her the toast enjoying the feeling of taking care of her like she had done for him moments before She took over once the first triangle of toast had been eaten slowly and continued to eat the rest at her slow pace.

As she ate in comfortable silence with Lucas a thought popped into her head, “Lucas? Can I tell you something I haven’t told you before?” Lucas gave her a curious look before gesturing for her to go on

Riley took a large breath before subconsciously grabbing his hand hoping for some comfort, “I’m in therapy.” She took a peak at him waiting for this reaction

He just gave her a look, “Okay?”

“I just… I haven’t told you and I wanted to, even before you told me you had been but… I was…never mind it’s dumb”

“No no, Ri. What is it? You can tell me anything” He gave the hand she had placed in his a reassuring squeeze

“Um so I was just wondering if like I could sometimes talk to you after? I try to talk to Maya about it but she’s never been before so she doesn’t get it. But some days are just really hard and…” Riley trailed off worried of Lucas’ response  

“Of course Riley, you’re my best friend you can tell me anything. Do mind me asking why you’re in therapy?” A look of fear crossed Riley’s face “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just want to help you in anyway…”

He was cut of by Riley, “Paula.”

“What?” Lucas asked unsure of what she meant

“Paula, she wasn’t…. she wasn’t always the nicest to me. Plus I have some anxiety issues anyway…so after we broke up I started therapy. It helps.” Riley shrugged

“Well Riley whenever you want to tell me what went on with Paula you can okay? I’m here for you.”  Riley nodded

“I know Lucas, thank you.” Riley flashed him a smile, “We should probably brainstorm like we were supposed to do. Isn’t it due in an hour or so for class.”

Lucas was about to answer when their phones both went off with emails. Their professor had canceled class because she had a meeting she had forgotten about and needed to prep for. She sent her apologies and hoped it wasn’t an inconvenience to anyone.

The pair high fived, “Awesome! How about this; we do our brainstorming. We’re supposed to figure out 4 topics that our class could write a personal narrative on right?” Lucas asked confirming with Riley when she nodded he continued, “And when we’re done we can just watch a movie or something. It’s obviously been a day for the both of us so why don’t we relax. Its our last class anyway.” Riley agreed and they brainstormed quickly, and then went to decide on a movie.

Riley was looking through their movies, “Oh! 21 Jump Street I love this one! Can we watch this one?” She bounced on her toes a little as the excitement took over Lucas couldn’t held but admire how cute she looked bouncing her brown and purple locks pumping up and down with her.

He chuckled a yes and popped the movie in, as they got comfortable on the couch. Lucas had learned very early on that being friends with Riley meant physical affection and snuggles, not that he was complaining. She quickly put her head on his shoulder and about an hour into the movie he looked over and noticed she was asleep and after admiring her for a few minuets he too drifted off himself.

When he woke up about an hour later he had never more comfortable in his life. Riley had snuggled herself into his side and was still sleeping soundly. Just then Zay had walked into the living room to get something from their fridge, talking at a quiet volume he gave Lucas a look,

“Well don’t you to look mighty cozy” Zay said, “Also good lucky waking with Princess Snuggles over there. Remember we’re all getting diner together in like 2o minuets so you better start” Zay gave Lucas a wink before retreating back to his room.

Lucas spent another minutes watching the peaceful fall of Riley’s chest, she never looked this peaceful awake. She usually looked like something was weighing on her shoulders.

He started by softly saying her name, “Riley, Riley” then using the arm she wasn’t on top of he slowly started to shake her and her eyes started to peel open as she grumbled. Riley hated waking up, it was one of the worst parts of her day especially from an unexpected nap. But waking up snuggled into Lucas side felt nice and being woken up by him wasn’t so bad either.

“Mmmm” she snuggled further into his side completely hiding her face, “I just want to sleep forever don’t make me wake up.” Lucas laughed at her muffled speak

“Hate to break it to you Ri, but you’re already awake.” Lucas smiled down at the brunette who grumbled as she sat up “We gotta go meet the rest of the gang for diner, Zay’s here too.”

Riley started stretching and grabbed her backpack ready to go as they waited for Zay Riley turned back to Lucas, “Thanks for letting me sleep all over you, Paula always yelled at me when I did stuff like that.” Riley gave him a smile

“Well you are quiet cozy so of course and you don’t have to thank me its no big deal.” Lucas stated with a shrug slightly bothered by her statement. Riley started joking with Zay as they walked leaving Lucas to his own thoughts.

He definitely didn’t like this Paula at all, how could anyone yell at Riley she was so kind a nice and pretty. The more he thought about it and the more he thought about Paula the angrier he got, her name sounded really familiar too but he couldn’t place it. But Riley pulled him out of his thoughts and his anger as she pulled him down to sit next to her telling him excitedly about the odd dream she had while they had napped. He smiled softly at her getting lost in her brown eyes.

[paisleywraith]

Curses, curses Chapter 1

Junior year is often considered the most difficult year of high school. Kyle would agree with that on a regular day, he didn’t need some magical bullshit wriggling its fingers at him and turning him into an ass-old Bill Murray movie reboot.

It wasn’t like the day started differently. It started normal-

Up early, breakfast, ruffle Ike’s hair goodbye and jump into his car- warm thanks to the remote starter he got last Christmas- and on his way to school.

He’d offered to drive Stan to school nearly every day since he got his license, pretty much, but as the brunet was “on” again with Wendy at the moment he was taking the opportunity to spend as much time with her as possible. So he had his own chauffer.

Kyle shivered despite the heated seats, reveling in the chilliness that came with being up early in South Park’s winters. The sun was still behind the mountains, streaks of light just barely starting to peek over the peaks.

To be honest, most of the guys on his street could probably walk to school. Or carpool. But Kyle preferred to actually get to school early, organize his books and triple-check that his assignments were completed. High school was when everything started really fucking counting, after all, what university he got into was totally reliant on what he did right now. New year was almost on them, and Kyle was determined to finish up his second-to-last year with just as much effort as it begun.

He pulled into the parking lot to find his normal spot open, parking evenly without needing the guidance of the yellow lines- which was good, considering no one cleaned off the damn lot after last night’s snow.

Dressed smartly in a new military-green coat, worn and falling-apart green hat pulled tightly over his ears, Kyle kept his head down and hustled into the school past the flakes. School was quiet, with mostly teachers and a few straggler students the only beings in the high school. Kyle reveled in the soft murmurs. Enjoy it while it lasts, once the rest of the population showed up, you couldn’t hear yourself think over the din.

Blip!

Kyle glanced at his phone, free hand digging in his messenger bag for an AP Bio book.

Stan M: You still have my notebook? History? Left in the library?

Kyle B: Yes. I brought it.

Stan M: thanksss :)

Kyle shoved his phone back in his pocket. To be honest, Stan was probably the only friend he still talked to often from elementary. Around middle school, Cartman got real fucking impossible to get along with. For his own health, Kyle began ignoring him. Well. Trying. With lots of intervention by Stan to let things go. As for the fourth of their childhood group-

Kenny was always at school early as well. Why, Kyle wasn’t sure, he sat in the hallway on his phone until the bell rang. Kyle said hello to him at times, but somewhere along the line, he, Stan, and Kenny kind of…drifted.

Normal, people said. For friends to drift apart. Cartman he could deal with (and celebrate). Kenny was- a regret, but by now it was kind of awkward to even talk to him anymore. Especially since the guy shot up like a fucking weed sometime last summer. Kyle hadn’t stood next to him but he’d swear the blond had at least five inches on him. It felt weird to look up at Kenny McCormick, the guy was a runt up until lately.

Blue eyes darted up from an ancient-as-fuck flip phone, meeting Kyle like he knew the AP student was observing him.

Shit. For all his smarts, Kyle felt like his social skills were lacking, at least among peers. And ex-friends. Ish. He offered an awkward smile and the habitual nod every young man seemed to offer when they felt waving was too sissy.

Kenny grinned, mouth now unobscured from old parkas and offered the wriggle of fingers Kyle felt too manly to perform.

Fuck. Did he talk to him now? Go over and chat about- classes or something? What was Kenny even taking? He’d feel stupid to ask the end of fucking December, Kyle bit down on his tongue as he tried to decide what to do.

“Hey, dude.”

Saved by Stan. Kyle whirled, the nervous pinch of awkwardness flooding into affection for the rescue. Back to calm cool and collected Kyle Broflovski. Cool and smart. Not awkwardly staring at people across a hallway.

“Notebook.” Kyle intoned, presenting it with a flourish. “You’re lucky I knew it was yours. You’d be running your ass to the library and miss first period. You need to watch your shit, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re great and all that.” Stan shoved the book unceremoniously into his backpack with rolling eyes. “I’ll keep track of my belongings, Mom. That good enough for you?”

Kyle gave him a wry look, drawing himself up to his barely-inches-taller-height. “Some gratitude.”

“I even had breakfast today. Brought a jacket. Proud of me, Mom? Want to check if I packed a healthy lunch?”

“Don’t sass your mother, Stan.” The voice called over the hallway, twinkling as brightly as the eyes of the person who used it.

Kyle gave him a look too, as Stan grinned.

“What’s up, Kenny?” Stan said easily, as if they’d hung out the night previously or something. “Good Christmas?”

“Fine.” Kenny shifted where he leaned back against the locker, long legs stretched out as hazards in the hallway. “How was Chanukah, Kyle?”

“Fine.” He stood awkwardly, feeling feet smaller than Stan. Kenny was one of those people who didn’t blink enough, staring right at you with too-blue eyes until you felt like crawling off. Or maybe that was just him, because Stan clearly didn’t have a problem.

Kyle broke the gaze, throwing his bag in his locker with unusual abandon and grabbing his AP English text.

“Homeroom,” He said aside to Stan, forcing himself to not look at him. They’d been friends for too long, Stan would be able to read his expression too well. His discomfort.

He walked past Kenny, determined not to look at him. That was broken when he tripped, long legs stretched over the hall having moved quickly with the purpose of causing a hazard.

Kyle sputtered as he stumbled, catching himself barely and nearly running into a guy in a football jersey. “Dick.”

Kenny winked, clearly unapologetic and grinning like a Cheshire as Stan laughed in the background.

Dicks, both of them.

 After-school activities consisted of tutoring, (Extra pocket money and resume building) basketball, (Got to keep in shape and sane in some way) texting Stan, (Sometimes helping with the sane thing, sometimes not) and his actual job. Kind of.

Kyle preferred to stick to the library, the older he got the less he liked being home. He felt more than ready to finally strike out on his own, about a year from now that would almost be a reality. For now, he spent his time in the library doing homework on the computers and checking books in and out. A slow job, a boring job. Just what he liked.

After a thoroughly irritating conversation with a girl over what book she was trying to find-

“I’m looking for a book.”

“Okay, what kind?”

“It’s for English.”

“What’s it called?”

“Ummm…it’s blue.”

“…Which English class?”

“I don’t know.”

“…Okay, what’s the teacher’s name?”

“I dunno. It’s a guy.”

-Kyle was ready to flee quick as he could. Enough bullshit today. A good dinner and a (unappreciated) pat on Ike’s head later, Kyle was curled up with a book for pleasure reading and finished assignments stacked neatly by his clothes for the next day.

Blip!

Stan M: hey, can you find me a book?

Kyle B: ???

Stan M: It’s red. Got words on it. Know which one I’m looking for?

Kyle B: Oh, fuck you. Where’d you hear that?

Stan M: Bebe was in the library. :P Told Wendy. Said you looked like you wanted to punch the kid.

Kyle B: Nearly.

Stan M: Hey, if I asked you for help in English tomorrow for the Atlas mythology thing you’d say….?

Kyle B: I guess.

Stan M: Cool. See you tomorrow, dude.

-And ended just as boring as it begun.

[get-the-treasure]

school log #1

9-5-17

Happy last ‘first day of high school’ I’m finally a senior let’s fuck shit up.

Assembly: i came in and first went to hug taylor cause jahsbfjfaks i havent seen her all summer nd did i tear up? yeah kind of lmao i missed taylor sm what a gem. then i went by like. the squad (for memory reasons: ???? ppl on the side, jade, bean, yadi, eren, rye showed up, dalon showed up, sammy showed up, ashley showed up, might be missing someone?). eren gave me a bitching smoothie (bless ty) nd i think we all just talked like we normally would. its nice to just slip into normal conversation with people wou havent seen in what feels like forever.

Hour 3 (Homegroup): sat in hg for like 2 hours. we got some new freshman of whom i only can name 3 because i missed the others names. nd i also only kno one of the sophomores by name cause i forgot the others. maybe we should talk w maya sometime? ive seen her around a few times and she looks like shes mostly alone? we got our lockers too. sike some middle schoolers took our lockers and now we have to wait until tomorrow to figure out if we can get them b a c k. then i knocked over the smoothie eren gave me nd like a little came out but not much so um thanks god. we filled out this helping sheet thing that were going to be checked on every monday soooo better keep up on work i guess. also there was a lot of talk of grilled cheese up the ass???

Hour 1 (AP Bio): i turned in my poster board and we just went over the same rubric we went over when i signed up for the class smh. doesnt seem like itll be hard tho? sammy might have to drop it if she doesnt do her entire thing over and turn it in tomorrow and even then he might say no. so heres to hoping. also sabastion sat by our table nd honestly w h y do we have to have mutual friends i hate my life.

Hour 2 (ROPE): went over like oNLY the autobiography part of the rope packet tbh. also amy said we should know who our thesis paper advisors are but 1. i didnt even know what the thesis paper was and 2. the day ended and i still have no idea who my thesis advisor is weLL GUESS ILL SUFFER. im worried i wont have a good autobiography and that i wont be able to keep up with rope, but if i just dont goof around (lol) then it shouldnt be a  w  f  u  l. i notice a big student mood is being like ‘i want to die’ when school starts but christ its not rlly that bad? u get a normal ish sleep schedule, its easier to hang out w friends imo, and the work isnt even that hard you just have to pay attention and do it. it kind of bugs me honestly when school breathes and someones like THIS IS THE WORST THING ON EARTH FUCK SCHOOL FUCK ALL THE WORK THIS SUCKS cause its literally not that bad if you just idk. dont goof off all the time. sometimes u can goof off im sure everyone does sometimes. just. do ur work nd dont get so uppity about it. also idk if nyone will even read these but this isnt directed at anyone.

Hour 4 (English 12): our class is huge lmao. sammy and i got seats by jimmy, josselin, and ariel but i think eren wants us to get to class earlier tomorrow so we can sit together w yadi at the back of the room. but we get out of hg when peter lets us out soooo we cant rlly control when he lets us out.

Lunch: there was a lil spider where i sit so i kind of shooed him away so i could sit and i ended up cramping a lot. the worst part abt school imo is the chairs are just as hard as the floor and i have awful pelvis issues so my entire lower half starts to freeze and lock up and it hurts rlly bad getting up or shifting after sitting still for a while, so i fidget a lot and shift positions a lot so i can try and reduce the pain. nyways i played music nd sidney nd alexis sat down by us and theyre really quiet (whenever i would see them in the halls on the way to class and they had a free hour or it was lunch nd id see them they were always quiet then too) and sidney left her chapstick and i hope she remembered to grab it (i told her at the assembly at the end of the day because i forgot to grab it to give back to her). i cant rlly remember what else happened honestly??? thats of noting at least.

Hour 5 (Free): eren and i are probably going to sit in michelles room for this hour since she has chairs and 3 hours in a row on the floor is going to bust my ass so bad. eren started doing work but we ended up just talking and eating and listening to a vine comp.

Hour 6 (Free): sammy came down and we did basically the same as the previous hour but more talking and laughing. i cant remember what we talked about tho?? or nything else?? (edit: we tlaked about fucking and spanx)

Hour 7 (Government): eren sammy nd i had put our stuff down in michelles room early to save our spots (but i bet ill be the only one still at the table tomorrow because they have to go to the front) and then eren nd i left to go to the bathroom then fill sammys water bottle and by the time we came back in michelle was like ‘please arrive on time’ like 1 we were in here first nd 2 the bathroom was packed nd were supposed to go between classes i couldnt piss any faster thanks tho. we got the syllabus and an intro to the class/classroom and thank god jared isnt in this class fuckkkk. also we have to do debates like in front of the class?? no t h a nk you i hate it

Hour 8 (Advanced Drawing/Painting): we just sat around ny amy was like ‘heres what well do’ but ariel sammy nd i basically talked the entire time we all know how art works.

Assembly: a final assembly to wrap everything up with all grades together (since middle nd high had separate assemblies this morning) and i dont kno if we got any important information i think it was just things only 6th graders nd new students need to know cause we hear the same spiel every year. then i guess we all left??? 

After School: my dad picked me up and hell be picking us up every day from now on (unless like smthn comes up u kno its whatever). he didnt say anything on the ride home unlike when he and mom would both pick us up and theyd both ask a lot of questions. i thought he was angry and i ended up being right. he and my mom got into a bad argument she told me later on and now shes changing the locks so he doesnt have a key. its kind of upsetting how she said i should be civil with like whoever my parents may end up dating nd the entire family and whatnot but she (vise versa) cant even be civil with him or the rest of our family so??? nice example you set for your kids, parents. anyways my dad is also apparently switching up stuff he says like what hell pay and what theyll keep asset wise and how theyd cooperate for our sake and now hes changing what he said during court and all this mess and i feel like hes doing it to spite my mom but hes also spiting us in the process because we rely on our mom. ughhhhh this is stupid difficult to deal w id rather just not have to hear this stuff but moms always on the phone talking about anything and everything and were forced to hear. nyways lol

[7fics]

Markson friendship jackjae Romance. Jackson doesn't really know YJ but he knows he's kinda weird but still kinda cute and he sits next to Jackson in science so Jackson texts Mark and says "the Youngjae kid is cute tbh" and Mark being a dick takes a screenshot of their messages and sends it to Youngjae, who is still sitting next to Jackson.

Warnings: mark pov lol

Word Count: 2.5k ish

Author: Chewy’s back! and graduating high school oh my god

managed to sneak some markbum in there lol whoops hope ya enjojojoiiiii

grades: JB: senior Jinyoung: senior (skipped a grade) Jackson: junior Mark: junior (redoing a grade) Youngjae: sophomore Yugyeom/bambam: freshmen

“Bro, you hype? First day of school jitters? Whatchu gonna eat for breakfast?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jackson, why are you calling me at 6 in the morning,” Mark groans. It’s too early for this shit. It’s always too early for Jackson’s shit, but “That’s just the impact of the Wang” or so “the Wang” says.

“It’s the first day of school! You should be up and getting ready, don’t you want to start off the school year refreshed and excited?” Mark can practically hear Jackson jumping up and down through the phone. Oh, wait, is that the sound of springs squeaking? Then never mind, Mark can legitimately hear Jackson jumping up and down.

“More like dead tired. School doesn’t start until nine.”

“Whatever. Have you looked at your schedule yet? Did you see what classes you had? Do we share any classes?” Jackson’s talking non-stop, and from the sound of it he’s also trying to chew his breakfast at the same time. Mark’s not really into that ASMR shit.

“I already sent you a screenshot last night, keep up,” he responds, groaning as he finally crawls out of bed. With Jackson this hyped up, he knows there’s no chance of falling back asleep so he might as well get ready. “We have a few classes together, I think. Check again?”

“Oh, right!” there’s a pause as Jackson scrambles to his laptop, and Mark thanks the gods above for the short moment of blessed silence. “We have the same lunch period! And Humanities and Numbers for Nerds, thank goodness. You’re going to need to tutor me again.”

“No.” Not until you stop calling “math” “Numbers for Nerds,” Mark thinks. It’s too early to voice opinions, though, so he keeps that to himself.

“And Euro, yass, this is nearly fully booked Markson, get pumped! But wait, aw man, no science together. Why would you ever take Physics? And it’s first in the morning, too!” Jackson continues.

“God bless,” Mark’s not sure if he would have been able to handle Jackson so early every morning. Especially not after the copper incident last year. “Now I’m hanging up, gotta shower. See you at school.”

“Bye~~~ Markie pooh,” Jackson calls, but by then, Mark’s already ended the call.

—

“Jaebum, please,” Mark says the minute he enters the Physics classroom that morning. “Save me.”

“Babe, what’s wrong? It’s only the first day of school,” Jaebum grumbles, barely lifting his head from his desk to greet Mark.

“Exactly. However,” Mark says, handing his phone over to Jaebum. “Some asshole thinks that I should care about his choice in sock color today.” There are somewhere around, oh, just about hundreds of new text messages, voicemails and snapchats from Jackson, updating Mark on the every second of his first day of school prep. And that’s just the preparation; the school day hasn’t even started damn it.

“Aw, yikes. I got a picture of a flowchart of first day of school possibilities from Jinyoung last night. And then earlier this morning he sent me a selfie of himself setting the same flowchart on fire, so I’m not sure what that means.”

“Seriously? It’s only the first day of school why is he stressing like it’s finals week again,” Mark groans as he lays his head on the desk. Jaebum only pats him on the back and gives a shrug in response, and Mark is eternally grateful. He decides that now is a great moment (and the only moment) to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet before the madness called “High School” and “Being Wang Jackson’s One and Only BFFL For Life” (“Jackson you repeated for life” “Shhhh”) begins.

Moments later, the beautiful calm is shattered by the sound of Kara blasting through the air. “The fuck Jackson, we’re in class,” Mark says, opting to hit decline. Jackson apparently doesn’t get the message, however, and Mark’s phone spends the rest of class buzzing violently in his backpack.

Mark of course dutifully ignores everything. (At one point, a girl in front of him freaks out because she’s sure there’s a swarm of bees in the classroom. It’s just Jackson, though.)

—

“Hey.” Mark takes his lunch tray, which is literally piled to the sky with only french fries, and slides into the bench between Jackson and Jaebum. He looks down the table and nods at the kid at the end of the table. “‘Sup?” They’re not friends, but the kid sells some fine “herbs” if you know what I’m saying. Imported. From Thailand.

Mark doesn’t drink coffee. He drinks tea. And he’s ready to beat anyone (meaning Jinyoung) who mocks him for it. It’s not like he fucking reads books like some nerds (meaning Jinyoung).

“Hey, Mork, what’s up?”

“Can you not.”

“Nope! Those are a lot of fries buddy, I’m really kind of worried about your health, you know?” Jackson says, reaching over to grab a handful.

“I hope you choke.”

Jackson doesn’t choke, but he does snort and get some caught in his nostril. While Jackson is whining and screaming for help, Mark turns to Jaebum, “Hey.”

“Hey babe,” Jaebum responds. He also takes a french fry, but actually manages to look pretty sexy eating it, so Mark will opt to forgive him this one time.

“Do you think you can get senioritis when you’re a Junior?” Mark asks, shoving the plate of fries to the side so that he can lay his head on the table. And then push the fries directly into his mouth without actually lifting anything.

“Dude. It’s been three days since we got back from summer break,” Jaebum gives him a look, although really, he has no right to judge.

“I didn’t do any of my summer Humanities assignments, so I already have a zero.” Ok, so maybe Jaebum does have some right to judge. But only a little.

“Holy fuck YOU GUYS!” Jackson screams, and then immediately makes a shushing noise, “Shhh! I can’t let him notice me!”

“Jackson. You are the loudest one in this group right now.”

“Ah, sorry, I forgot. But look!” Jackson whisper shouts, vaguely gesturing toward some corner of the cafeteria. “Look at that!”

Mark squints, but isn’t really sure what Jackson’s freaking out over. He doesn’t see any signs for free pizza, or anything remotely worth getting hyped up over.

“That kid! Over there!” Jackson’s voice is steadily rising, but they’re in the middle of a public school cafeteria so Mark decides to not give any fucks for now. “The one that looks absolutely beautiful and basically is probably the Sun on the Teletubbies but all grown up! He’s in my Bio class and I swear you guys, I am in love.”

“Oh hey, that’s Youngjae,” Jaebum remarks.

Hmmm, Youngjae. Mark’s sure he’s heard that name somewhere.

“Remember? He’s the really loud tenor in my choir class. Tried to bring his dog to school last year.”

“Oh yeah. Coco. He’s my neighbor.”

“You know him?” Jackson gasps. He crawls over Mark and grabs Jaebum by the collars. “Please. Tell me more. I must know.”

And so the rest of lunch continues just like any other day, with Mark trying to ignore Jackson and continue eating french fries. It’s a hard task, but nothing that Mark can’t handle.

—

Another week of dozing through classes has passed in a blissful blur, and Mark settles into Physics, pulling out his notebook. He’s just trying to decide whether he should use the book as a pillow or what it’s actually meant for when his phone goes berserk again.

from: wangster

holy sheet mark

do u remember that incredibly cute ball of sunshine underclassman I was talking about

the one that probably farts pixie dust

and is CuTE as bALLS???

YOUNGJAEEEEE god kill me now even his name is lovely

he just got assigned to the same lab group as me

ME

the fuq is this, a fucking rom com??? i M SO READY to NOT embarrass myself infant of this kid

**in front ha fuck u 2 autocorrect

“What is that?” Jinyoung asks, peering over Marks shoulder.

“It’s just Jackson, talking about his new crush. I’m just gonna ignore it,” Mark concludes, setting it on vibrate and then tossing it to the corner of his desk.

“He just texted you again,” Jinyoung says, picking up the phone. “What does he mean by ‘THE THING’?”

“Shit, give me that,” Mark says, suddenly alert and scrambling for the phone.

from: wangster

do you think he’d think i was cool if i did THE THING again?

Mark furiously types.

from: mark

NO!

DO NOT. DRINK. THE COPPER. SOLUTION.

It takes a minute for the reply to come back.

from: wangster

aw cmon man, it wasn’t that bad

and don pretend like u didn’t take a taste too, i’m not the only criminal here

anyway i wasn’t talking about that

like

what if i “accidentally” spilled a chemical on my hot bod

and then i have to rip off my shirt and show off my sexy abs ;)

Mark groans and lays his head upon the desk. “Help. I think I have a migraine coming on.”

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum asks, sliding into his seat with 34 seconds to spare. Mark just holds up his phone in response. Jaebum sighs and formulates a response in Mark’s stead.

from: mark

your abs won’t be sexy anymore with a god damn acid burn on them. don’t do that shit. —JB

Before Jaebum can hand the phone back to Mark, Jinyoung snags it out of his hands. “Oh boy,” he giggles. “This is gold. Do you mind if I screenshot this and airdrop it to myself? Just for when I’m sad, I promise.”

“Go ahead,” Mark waves him on. At this point, he doesn’t think Jackson has any dignity left to muster up. “Just don’t accidentally send it to Youngjae or anything.”

There is a beat of silence, as three pairs of eyes meet. Then they all break, chuckling to themselves. Mark wheezes a little. “Nah, I wouldn’t. I’m not that kind of friend.”

There’s another moment of silence, as Jinyoung takes one long look at the messages, and then back up at Mark, then Jaebum, then back at Mark. “Aren’t you?”

“I mean, we’re best friends, come on,” Mark says. He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly sweating in this freezing air conditioned classroom. “Right. Best friends. Who forgive each other no matter what,” Jaebum muses, half to himself. They meet eyes, and then break. Nervous laughter fills the air around them.

“Nah, nah, nah. We’re cool,” Mark says, taking back the phone and going to delete the screenshots. But, Jinyoung is right. This is kind of gold. “Maybe I’ll just start a message to Youngjae, but not actually send it, just to freak Jackson out.”

“Oh yeah!” Jinyoung agrees, aggressively nodding. “Take a screenshot of you you pretending to send those to Youngjae. Jackson would die. And it’s good revenge for him stealing my last twizzler.”

“Alright, I’m doing it,” Mark says. They’re all three cackling at the message, Mark’s hand hovering over the phone, when the teacher walks in and slams the door shut. Hard.

All three students jump in their chairs simultaneously. “Put you phone away!” he demands, and Mark sheepishly pulls his phone off his desk, but not before seeing what’s on the screen.

“Oh shit,” he looks up at Jaebum, wide-eyed.

“You hit send, didn’t you?”

—

Three hours later, Mark finds himself on the floor of the cafeteria, groveling at Jackson’s feet. “It was an accident, I swear, you know I would never do that to you. I would never even think of doing that to you!”

“How. The fuck. Do you accidentally send screenshots of my text messages to the guy who just happens to be the subject of my messages?” Jackson asks. His eyebrows are halfway up his face at this point.

“Ok, fine,” Mark concedes, “Maybe I did think of doing that to you. But I swear I only thought! I never actually meant to hit send. Tell him, Jinyoung!”

Jackson’s menacing eyebrows swivel to face Jinyoung, who currently has his nose buried in a book, with only his ears peeking out. No matter how much of a bookworm everybody says he is, no books are that interesting. “Well?” Jackson asks, leg shaking the table.

“Uhh… It was Mark’s idea!” then he slams his book shut and bolts.

Mark gasps, “That bastard.”

Jackson grabs at Mark’s collar, and as Mark flails, he looks over to Jaebum in an attempt at one last plea for help. Jaebum just raises his eyebrows, and scoots his tray further away down the table.

Just as Mark resigns himself to his fate, he is saved by the bell. More specifically, his text alert, which is actually a four second clip of a recording of Jackson screaming for five minutes straight. Everybody in the whole cafeteria looks over at them, including Youngjae (an important detail for Jackson) and the security guards and other adult staff (an important detail for Mark). “Dude get off of me before we get in trouble,” Mark whispers. Jackson only complies because Youngjae is looking and he can bet 99.999% that Youngjae probably hates violence and sings about flowers growing as a past time.

“Ugh, whatever, I’m still mad. You better buy me chocolate milk for the rest of the school year.”

“What are you, Kim Yugyeom?” Mark scoffs, but knows that he probably will, even if only for a few weeks instead of the whole school year. Anything to get his friend back. Even so, he slaps Jackson’s hands away as they drift toward his tray of fries. While battling Jackson over his lunch with his left hand, Mark unlocks his phone with his left (unnecessary AN: this was supposed to say right, but I was totally zoned out when typing this, and, my dudes, it is so wicked funny to imagine Mark with two left hands). “Oh my god, Jackson!”

“What now?” Jackson grumbles, slipping through Mark’s defenses and filching a fry or two or three or twelve.

“Jackson, look,” Mark gasps breathlessly, handing his phone over to Jackson.

“Holy fuck.”

Right there, on the screen (surrounded by way too many emojis and stickers) are the following words:

from: c youngjae

aww, can you tell jackson hyung thank you for the compliments

and also that i don’t want him hurting himself!! i’m sure he looks better shirtless on the basketball courts than in a science lab *winky face blushing emoji*

oh! also mark hyung, my family is going out of town for labor day, can you watch coco? thanks!

Mark grins, looking up at Jackson’s shining face. “Am I the best wingman ever or what?”

“Yes!” Jackson shouts, drawing looks once again. “But you still owe me chocolate milk for the stress that you put me through for this past hour.”

“Yo, lunch period isn’t even an hour long.”

[iheartsurveys]

157

What is your name and how old are you? Brianna, 23 Do you talk on the phone a lot? What kind of phone do you have? I talk on the phone maybe once a day, if that. It's an iPhone 7 Is your house ever creepy? What does it do? Not really Who’s your favorite rapper? And your favorite song by this rapper? I'm not sure if I have a favorite rapper... I don't listen to a ton of rap, I know what's popular basically. There's no one artist I know everything by. I Don't Fuck With You by Big Sean is my jam. I like some Drake. I can rap the entirety of Donald Trump by Mac Miller How about your favorite band? And your favorite song by this band? I like way too many bands to have a favorite. I am really into Glass Animals still, even after seeing them at Firefly. They're just so great. My favorite song is The Other Side of Paradise Did you do any drugs this past weekend? Which ones? Nope Are you hungry? Why don’t you eat something? I'm fine Do you have any cousins that you’re jealous of? Why? Nah What year will you be/were you a senior in high school? 2011-2012 Have you ever broken up with someone and then regretted it later? Nope Has anyone ever made a promise to you that they’d change? Who? Probably Do you have an online blog? What do you write about in there? You're looking at it Do you know anyone that has a multiple personality disorder? I know someone who says they do but I'm not sure if that's a self diagnosis or a real thing...not to discredit their mental health but like I'm genuinely not sure Have you read anything educational today? What was it? Nope Do you watch more of the Discovery channel, or MTV? Or neither? I don't watch either really...I'll watch discovery during shark week, and MTV if they're showing a movie or something Have you ever had the cops called on you? For what? Nope Do you hate your last name? Do you want to get married so you can change it? I actually enjoy my last name, it flows nicely. I don't want to get married solely to change my name lol that's dumb. Honestly I'd have to see whether or not I'd change it since I'm kind of content as is. If I married someone with an awkward last name I might not change it Did you wake up to an alarm clock this morning? What time? Nope I woke up because it got really bright in my room How old is your favorite teacher? Just guesstimate. I'm not in school anymore What’s the background picture on your phone? Do you change it a lot? It's a black and pink pattern, I change it whenever I feel like it Would you rather be home alone, or have people with you? Why? Either is fine honestly. I'm fine alone I chill with my dogs and do whatever. And when I'm not alone it's fine I hang out with my mom or whatever Do you live near a highway? Can you hear the traffic at night? I'm not super close to a highway, I don't hear cars at all at night Have you ever dropped a class in school? Which class, and why did it suck? I dropped this hard bio class in college because it was super difficult. It inspired me to change my minor Are you a MAC or a PC? My PC laptop is dead and I'd like a MacBook or the new iPad Pro so I guess that makes me a mac now Has the snow melted away in your yard? Did it even snow in the first place? It hasn't snowed in months, and when it did, it melted super quickly Have you ever taken someone back, who ended up just hurting you again? Nope Music is playing right now, isn’t it? What song? Not listening to music How many cell phones have you gone through in your life? 7 or 8 Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? I don't Do you need spellcheck in order to spell things correctly? No I'm a decent speller. I notice sometimes after I post a survey my grammar will be off and it's totally not on purpose like sometimes my phone autocorrects. Sometimes I fix it because I don't want people to think I can't spell but sometimes I say fuck it and leave it What was the last thing you printed? Is there even ink in your printer? A ticket to a beer and wine festival. We're running low on ink Do you go to concerts? What was the last one you attended? I love going to concerts. I was at Firefly festival almost two weeks ago, I saw a bunch of great bands. Technically the last one we saw was misterwives Do you shop online? With your own credit card, or someone else’s? I love online shopping, I use my own card Who’s your best friend? How long have you known each other? Britt, 5 years in like a month Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Why did you break up? Haven't had an actual "boyfriend" yet. The first guy I dated, he stopped talking to me out of nowhere, so I'm not really sure why. Though he's asked since then if I want to know why we didn't work out and when I said yes he was like ummm gotta pee brb. So I still don't know, boys suck lol Have you ever gotten your nails done? Or do you get them done regularly? I hate getting them done I prefer to do them myself Have you been outside yet today? What were you doing? Yep, going to and from the car to kick boxing and then back home Do you have or want any tattoos? Of what? I don't have any, I've wanted some in the past and I still kinda do but idk what I'd get or where 
Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yep, I was maybe 15 with my dad in the parking lot of a church. My mom didn't find out about that until fairly recently Do any of your friends drink excess amounts of alcohol? Do you? I have a few friends that don't really know their limits... I've learned mine after trial and error How many pairs of shoes do you have? Are they under your bed? Maybe 20 something. Some are in a shoe organizer on my door, the rest are in my closet or in the closet downstairs What exactly is under your bed? Is it a mess? It's not too messy, just a little dusty. I have an art portfolio from high school, and a rolling duffel bag Have you ever been in handcuffs? Why, exactly? I haven't Have you ever had to be put to sleep at a hospital? Why? Yes. I had my tonsils removed when I was like 10 Do you actually have a calendar on your wall? What are the pictures of? No When are you planning on moving out of your parents' house? Hopefully in a year ish Tell me about your day today. It was chill, I was at home for most of the day watching tv, I napped for a bit, I fed the animals, went to kickboxing, showered, ate dinner, watched the bachelorette, flipped the channels for a little after and now here I am Have you ever been on a cruise? How many? Where did they go? I haven't. My mom and stepdad are going on one without me in a few months What was the last thing you purchased for yourself? Conditioner, shaving cream and razors, face wipes What was the last thing you purchased for someone else? Food 
Do you have a favorite author? Nope How about a favorite book? I like a lot honestly, get back to me on that Do you have a significant other? Nope Have you taken your Christmas tree down yet? It's been 6 months since Christmas so yes When was the last time you took a shower? Few hours ago Is any part of you sore right now? My nonexistent abs Do you have any clothes that are uncomfortable, but you wear them anyway? Not really How many people are currently in your home? 3 people 5 animals Is green your favorite color? Nope What kind of music do you mostly listen to? Alternative and pop Have you ever fallen asleep laying on your boyfriend/girlfriend? Single What was the last vacation you went on? Tbh firefly doesn't count as a vacation...it was fun but camping was stressful. So I guess, maybe last summer? When’s the next time you’re going on vacation? No clue How tall are you? 5'9 Do you drink coffee? I do

[mbrl]

junior year is officially over!

it was really hard (evidenced by the frequent hiatuses from tumblr) because academics, friends, and extra curriculars were becoming way too... smothering. but at the same time, i’ve gotten a lot more grateful. i wrote thank you letters to all of my teachers for the first time, ever. next year i’ll try to get them actual presents haha, but i guess i have more realistic (aka lower) expectations for how life is like. there’s just a lot of pain out there! 

(this post is not that personal so i don’t mind ya lurkers lurking!) (the break is just so it doesn’t clog anyone’s dash)

stats from throughout the year:

gpa: 4.0

months i spent convincing myself it was okay to not maintain the 4.0: 3

officer positions i have this year: 2

officer positions i have next year: 2

times i could’ve been a president of a club but fucked that up: 1

times i wrote an application but fucked up in submitting it/application portal glitched: 1

awards won: 1

avg hours i’ve spent doing test corrections per test for bio: 6

clubs i’ve started: 1

avg attendees for the club i started: ~12?

things i want to fix with my club next year: hellllla

proms i’ve attended: 1

rally and/or hc dances participated in: 2 (last year was only 1... hopefully next year is 3!)

relapses: 2? i think. that’s not too bad

times i’ve referred someone to the school counselor: 4

number people who i’ve been interested in for longer than a 2 weeks: 5

number of people who i’ve dated: 0 (YIKES BUT BEING SINGLE IS OKAY!!!)

number of streaks on snapchat: ~20 more or less

number of newly acquired pink articles of clothing in my closet: 8

frequency of spending 70+ clothes online shopping: once every 2 months

conflicts i’ve had with teachers: 2.5

teacher recs that i’ve solidified: 2

times i’ve made a teacher cry: 1 for sure, but probably 3 because i wrote some good thank you cards HAHA (and now i don’t make teachers cry bc they’re sad but bc they’re like happy so the bigger this # is the better!)

times a teacher made me cry: 4.5

frequency i wanted to fold in on myself and isolate from something: every few days

number of friends who i’m not close with anymore: 4

number of new friends: idk but i think i got a lot more friends this year, not like super super close friends which is fine, but like just people i can talk to at school :) 

and since i turned 17 recently, here’s 17...

good things/milestones(?)/experiences that happened in the last school year:

(for the first time) made out with someone who i was really physically attracted to

started my social justice club

became a lot more comfortable with hanging out with people/socializing

learned to do my eyebrows

accepted my body a lot more!

restarting therapy

got an internship, then got rejected, then got it back 

didn’t lose my nalgene for the entire year!

damn, abba, 4 your eyez only, nxworries came out

grew out my hair kind of ish

got more comfortable with speaking japanese

regularly ate rice, bread, sweets, etc (my fear foods)

no one i personally knew died

had significantly less fights and conflict with family

took lots and lots of naps (of the 2+ hour variety..)

failed (lost elections & competitions, failed tests, and fucked up on applications) which is just good experiences to have, in my opinion

complemented people and helped people!! 

bad things/milestones

(for the first time) got hella hung up over a loser who didn’t deserve it

had trouble sleeping whenever re-starting school (after summer vacation, winter break, spring break, etc)

summer camp at carleton was just a hot mess lol

idealizing people who really shouldn’t be idealized

gotten sick multiple times

did not start driving

did not end up getting high ever...

letting people drift away

helped a friend after getting assaulted, which was the fucking saddest and worst thing ever

been shittalked & having screenshots of stuff i said shared & mocked

march through may was the Dark Days; still trying to find my mojo

“low grade depression”

wasn’t able to continue doing track :( or running :( (mainly because i didn’t like my shoes and i really should just get a new pair of my old shoes that i liked)

expectations

generally became more pessimistic? like shallow, complacent with a lot of stuff because i know i can’t change it. i’m fine keeping up relationships that i know are really... fake

getting fucked over by male privilege that keeps FUCKING me over and everyone i know

not trusting people out of self preservation ig

fun things i would like for next year (this is not stuff i’ll necc. do, just thoughts to entertain):

falling in love and/or dating because the latter is probably more realistic

maintaining a 4.0 which would be dumb and unrealistic as fuck

3-4 events for my club; generally improve quality of meetings

have a hella lit summer with.. 6-7 people i can think of hanging out with. omg i’m going to a separate list for this because i love thinking of hang out/(mAYBE A DATE) ideas

commit to a college by december! (with ED)

write cards for hella people to show gratitude :) & celebrate more people’s birthdays

expand circle of friends and hang out with new people? although that’s hard and i’m not really sure how to infiltrate some gangs

LEARN TO SMOKE lmao

go to senior prom with people i love :) 

learn to cook the food i like

talk abt black lives matter, sexual assault, “pc” / “sjw” culture at my school

trusting someone and being vulnerable with said person

get better at isolating and not feeling like shit for isolating

stay healthy! with stuff like fruits and exercise (yuck @ exercise)

stand up for myself/be more self centered in how i communicate/stop yielding to other people who are hellllllllllllllllllllllllla self imposing and don’t even know it

not relapse! and continue therapy and set up therapy for when i go to college. maybe convince more ppl to seek counseling

prod friends/acquaintances to become more mindful

fun things for the summer

BEACH

HIKING

FOOD: PHO, DIMSUM, JAPANESE FOOD, COFFEE/BOBA SHOPS, PIZZA

MOVIE- OUTSIDE OR IN EITHER IS OKAY

BINGE WATCHING NETFLIX

MALL/SHOPPING =) OR LIKE IKEA HAHA

HANG OUTS AT MY FRIEND’S MANSION 

^ + POSSIBLY WITH HIS DOGS???

STUDY DATES

STAR GAZING??

BAKING/COOKING TOGETHER

WATCHING THE SUNRISE AND/OR SUNSET

AQUARIUM

ART MUSEUMS AND/OR LIKE SCIENCE-Y/ANIMAL-Y MUSEUMS

WALKS

(NAPS lmao)

(cuddling)

[itsjayyyy]

June 26th, 2019 11:50 am

holy hell it’s been a long time since my last update. First of all: that last update ended at a really climactic moment and I’m mad that I don’t remember what happened next, or even that it ever happened. It’s like reading a book that ends on a cliffhanger and has no sequel.

So I did end up getting everything from the last update resolved. Rose took a week but finally responded with “you’ve made a lot of valid points, I want to work harder to repair our friendship.” Regardless of whether I believe her, at least I had this exchange to hold her accountable. I got my tire changed a week after I said I would. My mechanic looked at it and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because the strip became a continuous 2.5-inch wide belt of smoothness. We passed the apartment inspection, but they did charge me the $250 for the pet fee. No big deal tho.

Recently mom has been wanting to move back to michigan. She’s tired of florida and the market is perfect for selling the house now. But dad says he won’t move until he can see for sure that rose gets her degree and can move out on her own terms, financially stable. Mom wants to give rose a hard deadline to move out. I agree with mom, rose is getting far too old to be living at her parent’s home rent free considering she makes almost double what I do, and I’m entirely independent. Like seriously, where is her money going? An ounce of weed a week? Buying her boyfriend a new xbox and games? Fixing her piece of shit car which broke down again a week later? (she wants to buy a stick shift this time. I’m not gonna tell her it’s a bad idea, bc she’ll prob sell it to me for cheap after she gives up learning to drive). Now iris and I are trying to apply gentle pressure on her to get her life together, and by that I mean I lashed out pretty strongly over text and now iris is gonna come by and comfort rose while also subtly agreeing with me.

I just barely passed my classes and kept my scholarship with a 3.008 gpa. tell me that ain’t god’s work. I failed calculus with a whole F again, but I’m gonna really give it a better shot next semester. I *will* at least get a C. 

My comp 2 professor nominated me for the stylus award. I don’t think I’ll win because personally I think my essay was a rushed mess, but it’s nice to know that he thought it was that good. I picked up my portfolio from him, but haven’t reread it yet. Also, I stopped browing r/braincels like I used to. Even after the semester ended, I would still read every post for a long time, but I finally stopped when I felt like my mental health was declining. I mean, I don’t need to keep reading it anyways, the project is over. Sometimes I’ll go back on it and read a few posts, but not often.

This update is just pure procrastination btw. Not only am I procrastinating studying for my two midterms tomorrow, but also because I got back on Tinder last night and got three messages. I’m really an all-or-nothing kinda guy, I don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at once. which apparently isn’t how tinder is supposed to work; some online articles say “it’s best to have 10 conversations going at once” which I hate because it makes people seem so disposable. I swear, straight people treat dating as a business transaction, they’re always trying to shop around and discard what they have for a better thing. Anyways I don’t know how to respond to the messages, especially since I really only want to talk to one person at a time.

So anyways. Last semester ended, the summer semester began. Do you remember the first semester of college, how that one guy at a club meeting was a total creep and followed me (us?) onto the city bus and couldn’t take a hint to leave? Well I’m pretty sure he’s in my comp sci class, and he sits three seats to the left of me and looks over at me like once every 5 minutes. Also, two weeks into the semester, savon figured out I’m in discrete structures and has since then come to sit in on the lectures. And last thursday he loitered around the bookshelves near my seat in the library for an hour. I mean really, is he SO interested in plant diseases that he stared at the spines of the books for a whole hour?? I hate men.

Because of that, I had to study in HPA instead. It brought back memories, from when I thought I wanted to major in social work. Still love that vending machine they have that can make a latte for $1.50, I wish they had more of them on campus. Anyways as I was sitting there, this guy walked past me, then turned around and was like “oh I think you’re in my comp sci class.” He asked what we did in class and tbh it took me a hot minute to remember because my attention span has been shot recently. Dude didn’t even know we have an exam on thursday. He seemed kind of friendly, he’s majoring in computational physics. He asked me what my discord username and I hesitated before telling him bc like 2 hours prior, I said “man, that’s the first time anyone has said they love me in years” (in regards to the professor telling us he loves us).

I’m doing pretty decent in my classes. Definitely gonna get A’s or B’s in them. I’ve become more cordial with my parents too, I visit them once a week/every two weeks-ish. Rose and I had an argument on memorial day. She was basically delegating me to permanent third wheel, because she says she “never gets to act like a couple with peter in front of other people.” Apparently I’m a second-class citizen to “other people” since I’m the one that gets excluded. And it’s even worse considering the fact that rose is pretty much the only person that I talk to these days, like I have no other friends, so the few moments we do hang she wants to ignore me. I told her about this and all of a sudden she started saying “oh well you don’t even care about me anyways” like wow that’s not gaslighting or anything. 

That was about a month ago, and I’ve been in virtually complete isolation since then. I’ve hung out with heather for about two hours total in the last month, and other than that it’s just utter loneliness. Honestly I’m pretty sure my vocal cords are gonna grow weak from disuse; I mean I’ve rarely spoken my entire life and now it’s just getting worse. Severe isolation like this really feels like it’s deteriorating my brain; my memory is getting weaker, I can’t focus, all I think about is how I’m completely ugly and unloveable and nobody wants to be my friend because I’m such a horrible person. 

This lasted for all of gemini season, and at the start of cancer season I just started crying at everything. On sunday before I went to work I started watching she ra on netflix. By the second episode I had already cried twice; once because I thought it was so great that adora had friends who cared about her, once because I felt bad for catra for feeling abandoned. Then I cried at work because this family came in, dumped off their son in a wheelchair with a laptop, and then never came back for him the rest of the night. Then I cried the next morning because I felt lonely. Then I opened r/sad, read the most upvoted story, and cried again at that. I hate cancer season.

My life (financially and academically) is going fine, but the loneliness is what’s still making me feel like shit, which is why I got back on tinder. I mentioned that already, right? yeah, I still don’t know how to respond. There’s this one girl who also looks hapa like me, and by her bio I really want to talk to her but I’m nervous. Last night I was like “lemme smoke a little to relax then I’ll message her” but then after smoking I was like “lemme have some vodka and punch” and then I decided to do a hair mask, followed by a long shower, followed by taking nudes (it was a lot of vodka, man). And by then it was 10pm and I couldn’t respond without looking sleazy. So now, here I am, at 1:17 pm the next day, and I still haven’t responded. Or studied for my midterms tomorrow. I’m gonna die.