#moth write a drabble without the 'child abuse' tw challenge

[senerist]

alazia: the fear that you're no longer able to change.

obscure sorrows || accepting

Things are the same as they are then.

As a child, soren had screamed. he could understand the thrown rocks and vicious stares. What he couldn't understand was the cold, purposeful ignoring. he had no words back then to beg them to look at him; he couldn't ask them to acknowledge his existence, so he'd screamed instead. The laguz never did, even though it must have hurt their ears. Instead, a beorc inevitably tried to drive him away for being 'annoying'. 'Inconvenient.'

It's like an instinct that takes him over now. he has words, though.

The sub-human bitch delivers hers at Ike, and soren both wants to protect him... and wants to know.

"...Typical sub-human."

Her head swivels on a point and her violet eyes narrow with violent intent at him. She sees him.

his heart pounds in his chest. he digs the knife in deeper. Sub-human.

he feels the adrenaline of excitement, then of the fight. The larger one means to attack - she says kill - and so a wind spell is easily readied on his tongue. They do mean to kill him, and that intent fills his entire being. Fight or flight is a familiar feeling, but this time he has a choice.

It isn't rocks that aim for him, it's claws, and he can protect himself - he doesn't have to cry and run, he can kill them back, and he can -

"Soren! Stand down!"

And then Ike's in front of him, grimacing against the tiger's blow.

"Why did you stop me? He hurt you! He could have killed you! We can’t let him get away–"

"If you hadn’t provoked him, none of this would have happened. Right?"

...Right. The adrenaline makes him want to argue, but it dies quickly. There's no arguing with Ike, and as soren's focus shifts to him, he finds it so much harder to seize the feelings he'd just acted on.

he feels... sad.

he is sad. Stuck in the past, he's nothing but a pathetic child acting out against the ways of the world. Eyes are on him. Eyes are judging him - but they are on him.

Why now and not then? Is it speech? Is it the words chosen?

When the meeting ends, soren slinks away to be alone. he usually does anyway, no one will think it's strange that he needs a moment. Ike even implies, in his apology to the beasts, that soren is grieving Greil, too.

What's wrong with him? Something inside of him must be fundamentally wrong, for Ike to raise his voice to him. he wants to cut it out with a knife, make himself better, but how? The drive he felt to scream - to beg the attention of those beasts that shunned him - was so overwhelming...

And what if he can't?

It feels as though his heart is being crushed in his chest by a hand squeezing slowly. 'Can't' simply isn't an option for him. he has to. he has to.