#more than anything I'm worried abt leaving my car alone hours away from my house for 5 days

[kittlyns]

Went ahead and booked my train and hotel for New York in March. Exciting stuff.

[hazel-core]

I have decided that I trauma dumb on here too now so hi <3

(feel free to skip. Tw: homophobia, misogyny)

My parents have always been conservative, in their values moreso than their actions, which isn't rly any better. I decided a while back that I didn't wanna be hedgemonically/generically masculine; that I liked wearing nail polish, hairclips, etc. Self discovery was - is !!! - a concept that is as banal to them as it is foreign. But still I tried. I never even came close to telling dad cuz he would just NEVER understand. Mom I had some hope for, almost even came out to her once after watching Love Simon too many times one weekend. Only for her to call me into her room for a serious conversation on how she's 'worried' at the PROSPECT of my brother being gay because he hangs out with male friends too much ! Glad I didn't tell her. Definitely won't sigh. I'm 19 now, i feel everything I felt at 16 but with a little more caution now. I understand that she has generations of trauma and conformity pushing on her and I can (try to) empathize with that ! But I can't justify her crocodile tears anymore.

After getting scolded not so lightly after telling her abt me wearing nail polish I decided to not wear it in front of her. For months I'd put it on in the car take it off before coming home, it was a hassle but it worked. Yesterday I went to this concert with a fren and my bag (with the remover and everything) was in his car when he left early due to safety concerns at the concert. Sidenote: my dad was then suppose to be my ride back but it was so crowded outside that after telling him it'd take me atleast an hour to get out he jus...left. Which, infuriating and worrisome a little, was fine because I was with female friends and I was NOT leaving them alone in that crowd. I ubered home after they were in their car. Anyways, over the years I've built myself a v holistic fren group (ly'all muah) and some who live near me so I called one of them and they lend me her remover and I went home. It was late - and I didn't have cotton - so I didn't remove them before going to the house cuz I thought every1 would b asleep, and they were. But I was so tired I passed out after getting home and forgot I had it on b4 mom saw in the morning. Dad wasn't home thankfully. and she was surprisingly calm Abt it (just said to take it off in her passive aggressive tone) which meant that I (stupidly) didn't go to the store to get cotton and she didn't have any. And then I slept again sigh. Waking up, she came into my room, shouted at me for a min, and sat silently cutting my nails and removing the nail color. I don't think I've felt this... humiliated??? Idk inhumane. I couldn't move, I couldn't say anything. cuz whatever I said wouldn't have mattered to her. so I jus sat there, wanting 2 die <3

I wanna understand ppl like her uno, like u're son likes wearing nail polish, Is that really a war crime? You're worried about what people will say, or that THIS is how someone starts to be gay etc. Idk I don't have the mental capacity for such disdained conversation anymore. It's one thing for them to not know any better because they couldn't - and ofc there are sm choices their parents took away from them, and I've tried my best to empathize as best I can with those dreams of theirs, but i think wanting u're own life and not one of ure parents' unfulfilled dreams isn't selfish either ! That doesn't justify any of what they pass onto me. It stops here. One way or another it stops here !

This isn't coherent with anything byeee <3