#mods; put her brain in a washing machine and turn it on high

[ilaiyayaya]

🤔i don't know what to do now.

I was gonna look into getting HRT, and I'm probably still gonna do that pretty soon, but then my car died and I had to spend nearly 4k on a new one, which luckily I saved enough to where I'm still fine, but it did completely interrupt my streak of productivity towards doing trans stuff. On top of that, having to be around both my father and one of my uncles almost every day for the last 2 weeks to deal with said car has caused a massive drop in mental health and I've especially been in kill mode for the last 48 hours, which makes it kinda hard to get anything else done.

Overall tho, getting a car now is probably a net positive, I'm not gonna have to worry about panicking to get a car as quickly as possible after I moved out because if my old one had died after I left, but before I was able to get a new one, I would've probably been really fucked. Not great timing to happen at this exact moment though.

And on the topic of moving out, I don't really have any reason to not just move to an entirely different state now. I'm not entirely sure where to move, wherever it is, realistically it'll probably be relatively short-term, but every reason I had before to stay in my current area is kinda gone, I have a car now and thus won't have to worry as much about dying on the road while driving 500,000,000,000 kilometers to another state, I pretty much exclusively talk to all of my friends online now, even the ones that I do live near, so that won't really change much, I kinda hate my job now and have been heavily considering quitting since like, November so like, don't really care to stay here just for that. The only real reason I have to stay here is that living expenses are fairly cheap, but this is far from the only area in the country where that's the case, and I know there are other places that are even cheaper. My reasons for needing to leave keep increasing too, the core general reason is just, my family live here, and I want most of my family dead (and some of them want me dead too!) but more specifically, my mother almost certainly knows I'm still living here by this point, I learned about 6 months ago that she had moved back here after being in another state for the last 5 years, and while I'm not in contact with her at all, it's not unlikely that she's heard from someone else that I'm here, possibly even where I work or any other information, and her knowing literally anything about my current location pretty much puts a timer on my life because she really does not want me to be alive. Tension with the rest of my family has also gotten significantly worse in the last few months (which is largely my fault but like, what am I supposed to do, not tell my uncle to kill himself???), which really I don't care much about, most of them I normally see 5 times per year max, and even the few I do see more often than that have extremely little impact on my life, but the bigger concern is that a couple of them have definitely, at least to some degree, caught onto me being trans. Or maybe they just think I'm gay but like either way it's a potential problem for me, my family is extremely bigoted (the uncle I told to kill himself literally prompted me to say that by going on a massive rant about electric cars being bad because, something about them all being made by f*gs??? idk being in the same room as that man is like being in the same room as a stereotypical 4chan user, but like, the worst kind) (that uncle btw is not one of the relatives that have probably caught onto me being trans, he is so incredibly dense that I could probably directly tell him I'm trans myself and he probably just like, wouldn't even process it and then somehow use it as an opportunity to tell me to remove all of my money from the banks because the blog he read says joe biden is gonna pass a bill tomorrow that makes banks disappear). Biggest reason why I think some of them know is because a couple of them (one in particular, a different uncle than the one i told to kill himself) have really started to enjoy bringing up conversation topics related to trans and gay people, and my answer is always just complete neutrality, but in a way where it is so extremely obvious that I am just trying to say whatever gets them to shut the fuck up. If any of them, or especially my father who I currently live with, had 100% concrete proof that I'm trans, it would become completely insufferable, I would actually end up murdering one of them within a week I am certain of it, even just being in the same area and them knowing where I live, they would make my life hell immediately, and I'd really rather just not deal with that, and it's really hard to fully cut contact with those people if I'm living in the same town as them, even if I try to.

Another one of the other reasons I had for just getting an apartment where I currently live was that I had a few options for potential roommates, which would make paying rent a lot easier, but that's not the case anymore, some of those options went away once I came out as trans, some I am absolutely not comfortable with living with anymore, a few have since found other roommates or just moved out on their own, and the rest are all just other miscellaneous reasons. I don't really have any viable options for roommates in other states either, but since I don't have any here either, it doesn't really make much of a difference. I technically do know people elsewhere that would probably be willing to live with me, the problem is they're all either in other countries, which I'd be fine with eventually, but not right now, or they're in texas or florida, so, so many in texas and florida, texas especially, why is everyone i know in texas i am not moving to texas especially when most of the people i know that already live there hate it. so yea I'm pretty much on my own unless I want to move to the UK or Texas and I'm not doing that, luckily I expected and prepared for this so I should be fine financially for at least 1 year even on my own, even if it's not ideal. Financially I'm probably fine moving somewhere else, the main concern is everything else cuz like, I'm dumb. and stupid. and incompetent. and i fuck everything up and am bad at everything. Me being stupid and incompetent still applies to living the same state i currently do but like, 🤔idk i just feel like i'd be more likely to have actual consequences for being a massive fuckup somewhere that isn't here. But like yea I'm an idiot.

I don't even know where I would move, for the last few months I was looking into apartments with the intent of temporarily living here for like 6 more months, but again, new car, no more reasons to stay, I think it'd kinda just be a waste of 6 months at this point. But if I commit to moving to a different state I'll have to completely restart the process of searching for an apartment, except it'll be even harder because I don't even know where to look for an apartment at, like I don't know where I want to go I just know I can't be here for much longer. Plus moving states probably requires a bunch of paperwork stuff, like, I probably need a new license for that state and like uhhh new bank account because the current bank i use only has locations in this state and i don't know how hard all of that stuff is to do, like I said I'm a stupid idiot that's incompetent and dumb and should die. Guess I'll die then cause as I've been writing this I'm becoming more and more committed to the idea of just saying fuck it and leaving, I have no clue how much longer it'll take to find a place and get everything sorted out in order to move states but like, if I stay in this town for another 6 months or more like my original plan I am absolutely going to end up killing myself, and that would not be fun so I'd rather not do that.

Idk whether it'd be better to just start hrt after finding another place, or go back to trying to get it now, because on one hand finding somewhere in another state could potentially take a lot longer than it would've taken to find a place in this town and each month that goes by without me being on estrogen is another month closer to the guillotine, but also if I try starting hrt immediately after I move out it'd just be adding to the pile of things to be stressed about because I'd be going through the whole process of trying to get it while also trying to figure out everything else. I was trying to list reasons why both starting hrt now, and starting hrt later have downsides, but I think I literally just gave reasons for why starting hrt later would be bad, but like trust me there are reasons why looking into getting it now would also be hard and potentially bad, it's fine it's fine I have the excuse of being kinda tired and extra mentally ill after just getting out of one of the worst meltdowns I've ever had over the last 24 hours so like it's fine if everything I say is completely incomprehensible verbal slop I get the free pass to be unhinged right now if you yell at me for being insane right now you're being mean and unfair and i'll cry. Mods decipher what anything said in this entire multi-paragraph rant means even I, the writer, the author, the director, the lead actor, do not understand what literally any of it means. I should probably sleep but mania hittin too hard to do so so instead time to listen to the Colress battle theme on loop and walk in circles (a normal tuesday (chewsday innit)).

I am so confused