#mistalintu's thoughts

[mistalintu]

The first and so far the only time I was involuntarily in a psychiatric hospital was this autumn.

I started having problems in September and I hoped to solve them with a psychologist, with whom I could not make an appointment. When I finally succeeded after a month and a half, in the middle of the conversation she took me out of the office and took me to the doctor, who simply told me that they would take me away now.

There they took away all my personal belongings, including clothes, and took me to the ward where I was to spend the next few weeks.

As a heavy smoker, it was very difficult for me to smoke just once a day in the evenings. But for exemplary behavior and help in the department, several of the nurses' pets were allowed to smoke more often. I was not among them. They could get an extra cigarette for mopping the floors, washing the dishes, or giving a nurse a back massage.

In three weeks, I only managed to wash myself completely once. The rest of the time I had to wipe myself with tap water. In the toilet without any partitions, there were three toilet bowls in a row. There were no chairs either.

It was impossible for anyone to visit me, the only contact with my relatives was limited to the evenings, when they called to the nurse station. The conversation was limited to two minutes. This is extremely little. I felt isolated. Every evening we gathered at the telephone waiting for a call, but not everyone who was waiting was also called. It was the only thread connecting us to the world. A thread that is so easy to break if you just forget to call. For people outside, this is trifle, but for those who are locked up in compulsory treatment, this is the only ray of light, the only breath of air, the only moment when they can feel your love.

[mistalintu]

The first case of delusion I remember happened a few years ago. Perhaps there were more before that, but I don’t remember myself until I was 17 years old. At that time, I had already been dealing with a depressive episode for half a year. I cannot restore the logical chain that led me to the fact that blue objects are scary, that they pose a threat. For several hours, I was terrified that my gaze accidentally fell on a blue object. It happened outside on the day when I had to go to the neuropsychiatric dispensary for my antidepressants. There was so much blue around. Road and street signs, buses and cars, people's clothes, packaging, book covers in the windows, advertising posters, even my hair... I tried not to look around, but my eyes kept falling on something blue. The blue objects seemed to glow, they were much brighter than the usual while the rest of the world dimmed, leaving me in a blue nightmare. I was so scared, but I didn't tell my doctor about it. I was so afraid that I would be taken away for compulsory treatment. It seems to me that she saw that everything was not all right with me, but nevertheless she let me go. I can't blame her. Please always tell your doctors about your concerns. They can't help you if you don't tell them about your problems. In my case, everything went quite alright, but who knows what would have happened if I had not taken the pills at the time. I think that was what saved me, although I convinced myself that the problem was in my dyed hair, which I cut off in a fit of delirium when I returned home. I don't know how harmful the advice is to treat delirium with delirium, but it worked.

[mistalintu]

Hi, everybody. Let me tell you about my schizophrenia experience. I was first diagnosed with it when I was 15, but I went into remission pretty quickly and forgot about it for a few years. But due to problems with studying at the university, I had a relapse, in which I have been continuously for three years now. All my life I have had a misunderstanding of social norms, but only recently have I begun to realize this and work on it. I am prone to compulsive lying and I can't even explain why I do it, I don't even understand how unpleasant it is for other people. I had to be explained that as well as that I should ask people how they are doing and how they feel. I just don’t understand when that is required. I've been such an asshole all these years.

I have a lot of trouble keeping order. There is always chaos around me, as well as in my head. Sometimes I can't hear my thoughts, sometimes I hear them too loudly, sometimes I don't hear them at all, sometimes there are too many of them. One thing that does not change is that my thoughts are always tangled. It takes a lot of work for me to even write one sentence.

As for the more obvious manifestations of my illness, hallucinations and delusions, fortunately I am able to be aware of them. And my mind just splits in two. It's too scary. Feeling like I'm going crazy. I no longer understand what is real and what is not. Usually, I just wait for it to pass. It always passes. It is very good if there is someone nearby who can explain what is really happening, and I am very angry at people who, in moments of enlightenment, say: "what if this is really so?" I try not to let myself think that my delusions are real. It's all in my head. These are not ghosts, not an attempt by the secret services to contact me, not signals from outer space, etc., these are just manifestations of my illness. It is very important for me to maintain a sense of reality, so in the moments when I feel bad, I try to be in touch with someone close, not to experience it alone. If you have people with schizophrenia in your life, never discount them or what you can do for them. Your support is much more important than you think.

[mistalintu]

Hi guys im having a hallucination that my family came to visit me, turned on the light and are making noise, they don’t want to wake me up. I hear voices outside the door, I see a light in the corridor, I go out and there's nothing. When I'm back in the room, it starts again. I'm scared. Morning doesn't start with fucking coffee

[mistalintu]

For as long as I can remember, I have always had trouble falling asleep. Every time it's an adventure. I go to bed, I lie on one side for a while, then on the other, then on my back, then something begins. Instead of having dreams or coming up with some cool or not so cool ideas, my imagination seems to be outside of me. I see images, I hear voices talking to each other about something. I was told it's called hypnagogic hallucinations.

In general, I feel like I can’t think of almost anything myself, as if most of my thoughts are foreign, coming from the outside and not from me. Many of my ideas and decisions were also dictated by something outside of my consciousness. Of course, it was me, but I perceive it as if it were coming from a stranger, something foreign. As if someone else does all the thought processes and gives me the result. This is how my mind works.

And so I watch and listen to a movie directed by someone else for several hours. I am conscious, I am not sleeping. I clearly understand where I am and what is happening. In the morning, I finally lose touch with reality and fall asleep. I almost don’t dream, and what I hear before falling asleep, I forget. Once I tried to write down what I’ve been hearing, but it turned out to be some unreadable nonsense.

Reblog if you think or fall asleep in a similar way. I want to know that I'm not alone.