#mental' 'you're just too focused on it so that's why you notice' crap

[running-in-the-dark]

well. that was. something.

I saw a different doctor at the ENT practice that I usually go to (I had to reschedule the appointment a couple months ago so I guess they scheduled me with this other guy). and he was just... the absolute worst, most condescending asshole doctor I've ever seen! wow! what an achievement! I want to punch him in the face and break his jaw so he can never talk again :)

I've got an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow....

it doesn't really matter, she doesn't have any free spots currently or in the foreseeable future, but I'm still really nervous about it. I've been to six therapists, and of those three were absolutely awful (two were great - one of those became my therapist for like 5 years, and the last one was just very overwhelmed with what I told her lol). so I'm hoping this appointment won't be as bad as the previous bad ones 😬

[pastel-peach-writes]

Attracted | KorrAsami x Reader

╰┈➤ PLOT: After a close call of losing the two girls who mean the most to you, you decide it's time to cut the crap and face the music, your feelings.

╰┈➤ WARNINGS: Not Proofread, No Use of Y/N, 3500+ Words

Part One | Part Three

⍣ ೋ Enjoy!⍣ ೋ

Their stares dug into your soul and pulled out every sense of hiding and masking you've held in for the last few years. Their slight frowns, and disappointment in their colored eyes; it was too much for you to bear.

Were you so prideful in keeping your feelings secret that you'd risk losing Korra and Asami? Was it really that serious to let them think you didn't support their relationship?

You didn't know. You had no way to know.

Now the three of you were staring at each other in the courtyard of Air Temple Island. All parties eager for an answer from you.

However, just because they were eager to get an answer from you doesn't mean you had an answer ready for them.

Just now, in this very moment, you realized you had a crush on the two bisexuals. You just realized that going to bed thinking about kissing the both of them, holding their hands, and making them laugh wasn't as platonic as you thought.

You hated to admit it but Bolin was right. You hated when he was right, especially since you're often so stubborn. He was never going to let you live this down now.

But that's something to worry about in the future. Right now you needed to worry about the present. Korra and Asami are staring at you with hurt and almost distant eyes. The longer you let the silencer linger, the deeper you hurt them.

What could you even say or do in this moment? Make up some silly lie? Confess to them right on the spot? Make them think you're not accepting of their love? All three options were terrible. It was a lose-lose-lose situation.

"Uh," you nervously chuckled, scratching the back of your neck. The bright sun on Air Temple island shone into your eyes, nearly blinding you from the sight of the red-and-blue-coded girlfriends. You wondered what color you would be if you were added to the pair. "You know, I think I need to attend one of Tenzin's meditation classes. Learn how to ease up and become one with my chi."

"One with your chi?" Asami echoed.

"Yeah. If I'm so tense all the time and not noticing, obviously something is off. Maybe even wrong with me." You gave them another shrug. "I can't be one of the best members on the Krew and not be one with my chi."

Korra let out a chuckle. "'One of the best members'?" You nodded at her statement, a cocky smile growing on your lips. Korra shook her head, her smile from her chuckle staying on her face as she crossed her arms. "Who said you were one of the best?"

"Oh, isn't it obvious, Avatar?" You mimicked her stance and Asami did the same, matching the teasing smiles on your faces.

"Must not have been," Korra rebutted. "Sounds like you still got some work to do."

You could only laugh at her playful words. Although her statement was true, it was for the wrong situation. You did have some work to do. You had to work through and process your growing crushes on Asami and Korra in hopes you can get over them and have them never find out about your crush.

That should be easy. What's a little crush going to do to you?

-

"You're right," Tenzin said as he waved his palms over your torso. You were serious about taking meditation classes from him. You were too tense, hyper-focused on the sapphic pair. You needed mental clarity and hopefully with mental clarity comes a way to get over them.

The Airbender was using reiki, some form of spiritual healing that used energy and intention to ease the human mind and body. He decided to use the technique on you when you came to him about your stress problem. He said he rarely used this technique but given that you're a new student of his, he decided why not?

The man had his eyes closed and waved his arms and body around as if he were airbending. The only difference is that he wasn't airbending at all and in fact was getting a feel of your stress and anxiety levels. "You are very tense," he continued. "The tension lies within your shoulders and sits in your gut. Your chest, too, is tight. If you were an Airbender, you'd be blocked from your ability entirely. It would take months, maybe even years to remove this type of stress."

You heaved a sigh as the monk opened his eyes and returned to his natural standing stance. "Months"? "Maybe even years"? By the time you mastered your chi or removed most of the stress in your body, Korra and Asami could very well be married. Or even worse, forgotten about you.

It was extreme to think of those two scenarios but it's what your mind went to. You're doing this to be better for them, not to risk losing your friendship. If it's going to take years to return to the person you were before you started having feelings for them, they were gone for good.

"Well," you said as another sigh escaped your body. "We better get started."

-

Because of your circumstance, Tenzin decided to add airbender training to your "Stress Relief Regimen". Like he mentioned, you would be blocked if you were an Airbender but in addition to the spiritual and worldly connection, Airbenders also have a physical outlet. They use their body to navigate through the winds and courses of life. It acts as another way to release whatever your body is holding in.

It's been a few weeks since you started training with Tenzin and you can admit things are a lot better now. Well, physically. You're still blocked mentally and spiritually, but the airbending training traditions were getting easier for you. You ran into the equipment less and stayed on the balls of your feet more often. Even Jinora was impressed.

You practiced day and night while leaving space to meditate and to connect with nature in between. But the cause of your vigorous schedule to train and relax, you've pulled yourself away from the Krew. You rarely hung out with them outside of work and only said hello to them during meals. Day in and day out, you were training.

It was ironic though. You were training and practicing these techniques to become one with your emotions and get clarity on the KorrAsasmi situation but all the training seemed to be doing was making you avoid them.

You were actively running away and towards your emotions at the same time. How you mastered that skill, not even Tenzin knew.

He watched you prance and elegantly move around the spinning panels on the Airbending arena with your eyes closed and your arms in the offensive position he taught you. While you were physically correct, he could still feel a weight of heaviness and emotion rest on your shoulders and sink into your body.

Korra saw it too. That's why she was here standing next to Tenzin and monitoring your training. She knew Tenzin to be a good teacher so she didn't understand why his training kept you away from the Krew so long.

She already went through that teenage rebellion phase with him so she figured he eased up on allowing you to go out and such. Especially since you're not under his care and a grown adult. And as she watched your practice, she knew Tenzin's methods had changed for the better and the pressure lessened. So, if it wasn't Tenzin keeping you away from her. What was?

When practice was over, there was a meditation session immediately after. It wasn't a one-on-one session like you usually had with Tenzin, but actually an open session for the new Airbenders and anyone who wants to learn more about the art. In fact, it was taught by Jinora. Tenzin wasn't a part of it at all.

Korra assumed you kept your schedule busy with not only Tenzin's agenda but the other Airbenders too. To her it made sense. You're pretty much training to be an Airbender just without the bending. So to her surprise when she walked into the class and saw you weren't there, something was up.

-

"And you're sure they weren't there?" Asami asked as she unmade the bed for the night. She and Korra were in their room, the midnight moon shone through the window and provided natural light for the girls. Korra, just slipping on her white tank, nodded.

"Yup. Now we know Tenzin isn't keeping them away from us. I think it's them who wants to stay away from us." Korra's feet shuffled across the wooden floor, her tush melting into the mattress after she plopped.

"Come on." Asami frowned. "They're not like that. I'm sure it's something else." The paler woman sat beside Korra and placed a well-manicured hand on her shoulder. Korra only sighed again with her head hung low. "They haven't even spoke to Mako and Bolin and they're like brothers to them."

Korra shrugged. What Asami was saying made sense but there was something deeper going on. There was something you weren't telling them and Korra was killing herself trying to find out. "Does it not bother you either?" Korra's sad blue eyes struck Asami's green. "Don't you miss them? Their laugh and how they used to look at us with those eyes? Like we were the world to them. Now we barely get a glance when we pass each other in the halls or in the street."

Asami sighed. Of course, she did. She missed all of it and how you used to compliment them or poke fun. She missed watching you interact with Mako and Bolin and playing with them like they were your blood kin. She missed so much and more. She only placed a kiss on Korra's cheek and moved some hair behind the Avatar's ear. "Come on. Let's get to bed." -

"Good, now breathe while you lift your leg. Your opposite arm follows." You followed Tenzin's notes, lifting your leg and doing a fan kick while your opposite arm follows. When your arm follows, the momentum carried you throughout the move and when your leg landed on the ground, you spun around and nearly womble to the floor.

"Good," Tenzin said walking through the plush grass. "When you use that move, your weight shifts between your standing leg and then the led that lands on the ground. Because of your arm and force of the air, you spin around and when mastered, it's a great move to switch the play on your opponent." Tenzin then cleared his throat, the tops of his ears going red. "You know. If you airbent."

You gave him a slight chuckle. Almost four months into training and Tenzin still forgets you're not an Airbender sometimes.

"Sorry, force of habit." You waved him off and repeated the move, still stumbling when your lifted leg hits the ground. Tenzin instructed ways to land and poses to land into but no matter the note or correction, you continued to wobble.

"Ugh, I don't get it. I'm doing everything right. I'm making sure I'm light on my toes and transferring my weight between my legs," you complained to Tenzin as you took a swig of water.

The Airbending master interlaced his fingers and held them near his diaphragm. "Well, are you emotionally light? Spirtually, mentally?" You nodded as you wipe excess water from the corner of your mouth.

"Yeah. I mean, I think so? I mediate in the morning, evenings, and join some classes at the other Air Temple. I don't know what I'm doing wrong." You walked over to the cemented benches which were really short walls of concrete painted beige. You took a seat, crossing your legs and placing your heels at the edge of the wall.

"Hm," pondered Tenzin as he followed you to the wall. While he can admit your dedication is impressive, he can't help but feel there's something else blocking you, stopping you from achieving your greatest.

It was similar to what he experienced when training with Korra or his failed attempts at connecting to the spirit world but heavier. Almost as if you were avoiding the emotions that kept you planted deep into the ground. If you were an Earthbender, he predicted you would be one of the best.

"Tell me, young one. Is it possible there's something else bothering you? Perhaps problems with family, friends, work even?" He took a seat by you as you contemplated your answer to him.

You've felt good. The feeling of jealousy or even anxiety changed to what some would call a rock. It was as if a flat rock sheet lay on your chest and stomach. Some had a heart of gold and steel, yours wore stone armor.

You gave him a shrug and sipped your water out of avoidance. Your lack of eye contact, expression, and words told Tenzin everything he needed to know.

You were stuck emotionally and he had a hunch it was about the Avatar and her girlfriend. And perhaps the fact that they weren't your girlfriends. Tenzin wouldn't have come to that conclusion if it wasn't for his older sister, Kya.

One day, Kya came to visit and Tenzin told her all about your training and dedication to the craft despite not being an Airbender. When Kya observed your practicing, she could tell immediately you were struck with something emotionally tolling. Something you took Airbending techniques to work through but ended up avoiding.

She did the same thing with Waterbending when it came to a crush of hers.

Also, Kya overheard the Krew express concern and longing for you. More specifically, she saw the faces of Asami and Korra and how their eyebrows knitted together in hurt and confusion. It was the same face she wore when she found out Lin liked Tenzin.

"You need to talk to them," Tenzin spoke. "Avoidance or whatever you call this dance of yours isn't going to better your ability to meditate or to perform such exercises. In fact, it'll stifle your chances and ruin whatever you have left of your friendships." With a deep sigh, Tenzin put a hand on your shoulder. "Take this from someone who focused so hard on training that he almost lost his family. Isolation is not the key to working through hard emotions. You have to work and realize it's not going to be easy."

When your eyes met Tenzin's, you could see his brows downturned as if he was frowning with them. His eyes glossy yet held this certain look in his eye, as if he saw you as his own. His family.

The look stirred a certain guilt in your stomach. It was the same guilt you felt when you watched the Krew interact while you purposely lingered in the shadows. In hopes of bettering yourself, you ended up self-sabotaging.

"Hey!" Bolin chirped as he strode over to you and Tenzin. You quickly blinked away tears and looked at him with a smile, responding with a greeting. "We're going out to dinner tonight. You coming?"

-

Dinner was nearly normal. The five of you, the Krew and yourself, went to this fancy-ish restaurant where they served everything from Water Tribe food to Fire Nation goods. They also included the more modern dishes that Republic City had to offer.

It was like nothing had changed when you first ate. Everyone was chipper, happily munching on their meals, and cracking jokes like no time had passed between your group.

But then, just as you were almost done with your meal, the mood switched. A metaphorical cloud full of darkness and heavy rain washed over your booth and wind dared to blow you away from your seat.

Korra sighed, putting down her eating utensil and putting her hands on the table in an interlaced fist. "Okay, we have something we need to talk to you about." You barely looked at her to continue. "You've been kinda distant lately and we know it's not because of your training. Tenzin was adamant in easing the intensity of his training schedule, especially now with the new addition to the family and the new Airbenders."

You shrugged for what felt like the fiftieth time today. "I'm taking my craft really seriously. Is that a crime?"

"No," Asami said in a calmer tone that Korra could've given the sass you had in your sentence. "But it worries us. Especially now that you're not even attending Avatar duties anymore. We're a group and we need you. We're empty without you."

You threatened to scoff but instead shoved down the urge with another bite of your food. "I don't know what you want from me."

"Your training was supposed to help you ease up and not be as stressed but it looks like it's doing the opposite," Mako spoke. "You're distant, eat meals alone, and I've never seen someone train so hard for Airbending when you're not even an Airbender."

"Okay, so what? Look, it's my training, my schedule. You guys don't have a clue of what's going on with me so just drop it. Okay?"

Bolin glanced around his table of friends. Nervously picking at his pants, his eyes landed on you and gazed into your eyes. With a tone soft and gentle, he spoke. "So, something is going on."

You sat up a little straighter, eyes on the brown wooden table in front of you. You didn't realize you said that out loud. All that work of being alone and trying not to talk about your feelings nearly came undone with one measly slip-up. "No. Drop it."

"No, we don't want to drop it. What's going on? We can help you." Asami reached a hand out to you but you just snatched your hand away.

The Earthbender at the table sunk down in his seat. He knew what was going on now. He doesn't know why he forgot the last genuine conversation you had just a few months ago.

Your crush on Korra and Asami were eating you alive. What was supposed to be an outlet became a distraction. A distraction from the possibility of hurt, rejection, and loss. If he remembered this earlier, he wouldn't have suggested this confrontation dinner.

The only person who could help you in this situation is yourself and Bolin could see you didn't want that. Not anymore at least. You were perfectly fine losing your friends if it meant the protection of your relationship and feelings.

Although, it's a bit counteractive letting your friends slip away just to avoid a blowup over emotions you couldn't control. Bolin wasn't going to let that slide.

The Krew's been in messy romance drama before. What's a little more? They've prevailed over three times and they could do it again.

"I'm sorry," you took money from your pants and placed enough to cover your meal on the table, "but you can't help me with this. I'm sorry."

Following your departure, Bolin followed you out of the restaurant. Your friends exclaimed and called out for the both of you, but you were too far to hear and well Bolin, he was on a mission.

You stumbled behind yourself as Bolin took hold of your wrist and snatched you back. Your eyes met his, the orange-yellow lighting of the restaurant shining through the windows and making the sidewalk glow.

"You don't have to do this," Bolin spoke in a whisper. "You don't have to hide and pretend you're something you're not just to avoid rejection."

You pull your wrist out of his grip, your brows knitted defensively. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not avoiding anything."

"Please, I've seen it multiple times before. I lived it. The crushes you have on Korra and Asami won't change anything. They won't be weirded out or throw you out of the friendship if that's what you're worried about." The green in Bolin's eyes sought out to comfort you. As before, he kept his voice gentle and nurturing. "Crushes are scary and can leave you vulnerable but you shouldn't avoid your feelings because of it. You'll end up holding things in, the hurt turning into resentment, and the resentment turning into hate."

The Earthbender's palm found its place on top of your shoulder. Like his eyes, voice, and now touch, Bolin comforted you. His words, though similar to Tenzin's, had more meaning. You've seen Bolin get rejected before and heard horrific stories but he never let the embarrassment get to him. He learned, grew, and eventually got the partner of his dreams.

You patted his hand. "That means a lot. I'll try, okay? I can't promise it's going to be a good try, but I'll try and face my feelings instead of avoiding them and letting them turn into something ugly."

Bolin smiled, the joyous expression reaching his eyes. "Good. You won't regret it and you'll always have me to lean on. Don't forget that." Before you could say anything else, he pulled you in for a bear hug and lifted you off the ground.

Maybe Bolin was right. Facing your feelings head-on would make them less scary and who knows, maybe Korra and Asami would get a confession out of it.

To Be Continued. (Last part coming soon!) | Part One

WC: 3,569

[rezdragon]

Project Updates (August 8th, 2024)

Art Show So the BIG news with RezDragon is that YES! My art has been accepted into a fine art show. Like a REAL fine art show, with judges and WINE. It's to promote the local artists of the Inland Northwest, which includes ME THIS YEAR! I tried to submit to this last year and I did not get in, but that's changed this year and I am VERY EXCITED AND HAPPY ABOUT IT! So what does this mean? Well, it means I'm going to be HARD focusing on preparing for the show for the rest of August (aside from one project, you know what it is). I have to get everything ready by September. One of the pieces I put in is an installation piece and that is the biggest prep I have. So kinda expect me to maybe go more dark than usual? I dunno, I might post pics as I work on shit.

The One Other August Project (You Know What It Is) It'll be out tomorrow.

TDA - Everyday With how shit my mental health has been lately, I haven't had the motivation to work on this. Rez keeps trying to drag me back in, but it's just not coming back to me yet. I want to start writing the script and I was GOING TO in August, but then the Art Show Acceptance letter showed up and WELL. Sorry Rez, best wait till September. I have been taking notes occasionally when I think of something new. She's on my mind, I swear.

Running With the Devil (what the fuck is this) RWTD is Ash's story that started out accidentally. I was writing up a lot of facts about Ash herself and then the next thing I knew, I started writing scenes and then a month and a half later, I had an 87 page novella. Oops, how'd that happen. This has VERY much been a comfort project to help keep my spirits up while I've been so unhappy lately, and it's been doing a good job of it. It is not meant to be good, it might be, I dunno. It's me giving in and writing cute romance between a demon girl and her lesbian girlfriend. But uh... you won't see it, at least not all of it. I'll be real with you as to why: it's an erotica story and I don't want erotica associated with the RezDragon name. It's not that I'm ashamed of writing it, I'm not, but once you start down that path, that's all you're known for and I do. not. want. that. So I will only be showing the non-horny chapters, or perhaps the story censored. Anyways, chapter 1 (30 pages, yes 30, 20,000+ word count) is available on Sheezy if you so choose. I didn't advertise this because I was a little too depressed to when I posted it.

Next Album Project(s) I have two new albums to place on the stove, or at least their concepts. First one I plan to have it be as raw and uncomfortable at Kintsugi and Tasukete- DE aka more depressing harsh noise crap. Working title right now is "Nothing Has Changed." Second one is another "story" album, i.e. like Horizon. Instead of space, this one takes place in the woods and back in the 80's. I won't talk about its full concept yet, giving myself a break from music work (and also I can't really work on music right now)

Not a Project, but a Health Update So I've been griping about it lately, but my left hip/pelvis/leg area has been in a lot of pain since April of this year. It went away near the end of May and I was able to return to work, but then it came back after a week. I tried to work through it, which only seemed to make the problem way worse. Since June, I have been in non-stop pain, with barely anything relieving it (it's why I've had a lot of extra time to write as of late). I've actually been in a lot of money trouble because of not being able to work and disability being a nightmare, but I've avoided talking about it on my RezDragon accounts (except for Sheezy) to keep that kind of stuff away from my art. I've started physical therapy, which has been going well in giving me some relief. I've been using a cane since April just to get around. I can't say I've noticed any improvements and I'm afraid I might be out of day job work until at least October. I can't even get a new job where I sit all day, because if I sit up for too long, that spikes up my pain; I have to sit reclined or lie in bed. I missed the whole summer, I wanted to go swimming :( So anyways, that's why I've been mostly focused on writing, it's the easiest thing for me to do atm.

[new-jersey-high]

Motivation

As Niff's mom returned to pick her up, another week passed. However, on the latest assignment, there was something... different. As hard as he focused, as much as he paged through the latest assignment, Carlos simply could not understand it. Nothing of it looked familiar. The hour passed at a torturously slow speed, but he managed to finish, however unsure he was of his work.

After the class was done-

"Mr. Allende," Mr. Jackson called, "could I see you for a second?"

Crap, I'm done for.

As the rest of the class left, he stayed behind.

"Are you okay?"

"Uhh, yeah; why?"

"Well, I know that you had your strokes of genius, but you're falling behind again." Despite a seemingly neutral demeanor, Carlos could tell he was disappointed. "I do want to see you succeed, Carlos, but if you start slipping now, you'll continue to slip, until the goal is out of sight." He stood up and walked Carlos out. "Can I count on you to get your grades back up?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good; now, off you go." He guided him out. Carlos sighed. Niff's gonna be pissed.

...

When Niff arrived for tutoring, she noticed his sheepish demeanor as he helped her manage her dyslexia.

"What's wrong?"

"I… no, nothing, Niff. Now-" he tried to return to help her, but he then felt her hand on his. He lifted his sights to see Niff's match his.

"Now?"

"Now, we'll work on the 'o's versus the 'a's, Niff." As he went over the differences, Niff could feel his hands shaking.

“You okay?”

"Yes, I'm fine." Not like I could ask you to help again, he thought.

“How’d you do this last week?” She asked.

"Uhh… good."

She could tell he was lying. Niff gripped his hand angrily. "Tell me."

"Ah; okay! I'm... I'm falling behind again."

The anger in her grip went to her face. "Show me."

"Show you... what?" Carlos asked.

"Your dick-" she glanced down. "pull it out. Now."

His eyes widened. "What?"

"You heard me." There was a pause as Carlos still let what Niff told him to do sink in.

"Look," she said, as she began to strip her ragged leather jacket during that pause, "I'm not actually helping you learn anything; I'm just letting you use my body for motivation." She slid it off and tossed it aside before moving onto her top. "So, if you fail, then I can't be a tutor, and I probably get sent to juvie." She reached underneath her shirt and began to undo her bra, which she slipped underneath and tossed it the same way of her jacket, revealing to Carlos that it was the same fire red bra she had on the last time he saw it. "You cannot fail. Now, get your dick out."

"No, wait; Niff, I don't want to put you in that position anymore-"

She grabbed onto the sides of her shirt and began pulling them above her chest. "Also, I think your mom wants to kill me. That's terrifying, too." She finished pulling off her shirt, her breasts left hanging from her chest. "I'd honestly motivate you with a titjob than either go to jail or die at the hands of your mom."

"Uhh..." Too in shock about what was unfolding in front of him, Carlos froze as Niff fell to her knees, her breasts in front of his crotch, as she prepared to 'service' him. She looked up into his eyes.

"This will help you... right?"

"Uhh…"

"Hello?" She waved her hand at him. "Yes? No? What?"

"Uhh…"

Niff grew annoyed as she started to tell that Carlos' brain was shutting down. She began to roughly rub his crotch, pawing for his dick.

"N-Niff, I... hah..." Carlos could barely gather enough mental energy to think of something to say.

Niff undid his belt and zipper, pulling his dick out as she did. However, before she moved on, she got his binder and handed him his notes.

"Read," she commanded, as she returned to her knees, leaned forward into his lap and rested his dick in between her breasts. With her hands, she squeezed them together around it and began rubbing and massaging his full length.

As Carlos tried to read, he had no focus. Niff's hands, while firm, were about as soft as her tits and her painfully slow massaging rhythm drove him wild. Her tits were soft and warm in Carlos' hands, but felt even softer and warmer around his cock. "N-Niff, I…hnn~"

"Focus and get motivated, dumbass."

While it was a slow uphill climb to gain focus, Carlos was able to recenter himself on his classwork and avoid busting his nut all over Niff. I'd hate to see her angry over that, he thought, or have to explain why she needed to wash off in the bathroom to my mom.

In his attempt to stall his ejaculation, he managed to grasp the concepts again, as well as applying the answers to the textbook's questions at the end of each chapter, while Niff kept up with her titjob, steadily holding his cock in her grip. However, after a while Carlos' focus began to slip.

"N-Niff, I'm… I'm gonna-"

"You're gonna, st-study, right?" She asked, keeping up her stroking, though at a faster pace.

"I'm- nnn-" Carlos couldn't hold back and let his thick spunk cover Niff's chest in thin, dense ropes. She looked down at the ropes of cum that covered her chest. "Okay," she said, how do you feel now?"

As she saw him nod his head, she quickly brought her chest and body away from him, trying to keep her breasts pressed together with her arms so that no cum dripped onto the floor.

"Tissue, tissue, tissue," she continued to chant, partaking in a involuntary balancing act with Carlos' cum.

"Uh, uhm, uh-" he quickly reached into the dirty clothes pile he had hidden in his closet and grabbed a sock, which wasn't terribly dirty, but nevertheless still smelled like day-old foot.

Niff looked at his offering, then up to his face. "No."

"Niff, look; I don't usually jerk off or cry in here, so I don't have tissues at the ready, and I know that if I leave now, my mom's gonna start badgering me about how the 'tutoring' is going with the hot goth chick who totaled her car, so the best I can do is 'sock'."

Upon seeing the seriousness of Carlos' face, hers shifted from slight annoyance to perturbation to a final gritted-teeth acceptance. "Fine," she grumbled. "Give the stupid sock."

He handed her the sock, which she snatched and quickly began wiping the spunk off. Despite being an average sock, Carlos was surprised at its absorbency, as - with a single wipe - it managed to remove a solid 2/3 of the cum.

Once Niff finished wiping her breasts, she was left holding the sock with as little of her fingers as possible and held it at her arm's length.

"Take. Get rid of it."

"Okay." he grabbed the sock, walked over to the closet, found its twin, wrapped the dirty sock in it, then tossed them both back into the pile. He pulled up his pants and returned to his textbook in a feeble attempt to pretend as if the hot goth chick of whom he'd grown quite fond of didn't just have to wipe his baby batter off of her perfect tits with a day-old sock.

"So-" Niff reached for her bra, which she began to put back on. "Are you gonna be able to focus now?" She grabbed her shirt, and began to slide it on. "Is it your dick just getting bad grades?"

"I'll focus," Carlos said, not lifting his sights from the book and shifting to not even see her face in his peripheral.

She gave a thin smile, which fell as soon as it appeared. "I'll be right back; wash 'em in the sink. I think your mom would find it weird to hear your shower running."

Carlos gave an approving grunt as he heard the door open and close, hoping that Niff would be able to slink around to the bathroom at the end of the hall while his mother continued chopping up the meat in the kitchen. After a brief moment, Niff returned, her expression remaining neutral. "So, what's the deal," she asked flatly.

"Nothing," Carlos replied.

Though she heard his answer, she could see his leg bouncing like a jackhammer.

"Getting you off seemed to help you focus now, so is that all you need to improve your grades?"

Silence. Carlos continued to bounce his leg as Niff saw his gaze glued to the same page. The same page he had been on since they started.

"Hey," she says, as she approached Carlos from in front of the closed door. "Are you even reading?" As she took a closer look at his eyes, she could tell they weren't moving. "It doesn't look like it." She pulled the chair away from the desk, so that he could look him in the eyes. "What's going on?"

Niff, in the span of, like, a MONTH, you've flashed me, let me grope your tits, and given me the first and subsequently BEST titjob of my life, is what he thought.

"Nothing," is what he said. "I need to focus now, so… just sit tight; I'll get around to helping you."

“Fine,” she responds. What’s this feeling in my chest? she thought. I can’t be starting to like this loser... can I? She looked him over and gave the tiniest of smiles. Well, he is the first person I opened up to about my dyslexia… is this… trust?

The rest of the 'tutoring' session was spent in silence as - after a while - Carlos managed to refocus on actually studying. While the concepts were still vague to him, he was able to get the gist of each topic of the subsections in the chapter.

Niff, however, spent the silence pondering what it meant that she decided to open up and trust Carlos. She knew that it had never gone well before for her to trust people and because of that, she'd wrapped chains around her heart tightly. She hadn't let anyone else in, and Carlos was no exception; she wouldn't let him any further, since helping him with history - or at least motivating him - was just a means to an end to avoid prison. However, time with Carlos had been kind of nice...

Once Carlos managed to finish the chapter, he went to face Niff. he adjusted himself so that there wouldn't be anything that would distract him from helping Niff; not even her big... soft... breasts...

"So, are you ready to help me now?"

"Uhh, yeah; yep," he answered, not looking her in the eyes.

"Alright." She scooted closer tom him, causing motion in her chest. However, Carlos closed his eyes, so as to avoid seeing it jiggle.

As the dyslexia tutoring continued, Niff's mind wandered to other places, thinking back to when she used to trust people. It resulted in her mom calling her dumb as she herself acted more and more like a child. In resulted in her stepdad laughing in her face, while she was accused for something that he did. It resulted in her so-called "friends" making fun of her. Her mother and stepfather screaming at her for bringing the paperwork that would get her help at school.

No, she thought, fuck that. I don't want to get hurt like that. Not again.

She imagined herself; pure, naked, and free and with her heart glowing. However, the chains of the pain, thorns of hurt, and vines of betrayal wrapped itself around her heart, dimming its glow.

"Alright, so-"

Carlos continued on where he and Niff last left off from last week, but as he did, he noticed that Niff was... less receptive to the management lessons.

"Niff."

Silence. As he looked at her, she seemed too in her head to have heard him.

"Hey-" he gently reached for her hand. As he made contact, Niff snapped back to the moment and sharply pulled back his hand. "What is WITH you?!"

"What?"

She stood up from her seat. Her demeanor was stern and her face began to redden under her makeup, but Carlos could see tears forming in her corners of her eyes.

"Why are you being so FUCKING nice to me? Are you talking SHIT behind my back? Are you USING me for something else? What is it?!"

"Niff," he said, as he stood up, "I barely know you, and the only thing you've done to me was flash me, let me grope you, and give me a combination handjob and titjob - both excellent, by the way; thank you - so what purpose would I have to talk shit behind your back?"

"It's what everyone I've ever trusted always does!"

There was a vacuum of silence only broken by her panting.

"I haven't had a girl ever pay attention to me, much less stay in my life for longer than a conversation, so forgive me if I've been a bit of a dumbass."

As Niff caught her breath, her blinding anger subsiding, she was caught off-guard to Carlos' statement. "Huh? Why not? You're a good guy," she said, her tone quieter.

"Because... because every time I do, I open up my stupid fuckin' mouth and say dumb shit."

There was a pause. "You haven't said anything shitty to me."

"So, my comments about your tits haven't bothered you, then?"

She raised her left eyebrow. "What were you saying about them?"

"That I was under a lot of pressure when you first promised to flash me, how I thought they were nice, and asking if your piercing and tattoo hurt."

Niff looked at them. She held them in her hands, and looked back at him. "All you did was compliment them and ask questions. You did nothing wrong."

Carlos paused as he thought about what he wanted to say. "So, then... are we good?"

"That depends; are you talking about me behind my back? Or using me?"

"No; I mean, that was why I asked if you wanted anything from me for working with you." He paused. "I wanted to pay you back for the... for your help."

There was a pause as Niff let what he said sink in. Her demeanor returned to depicting anger, as she slowly raised a fist. "A-and you're not laughing at me, either?" Her tone began to quiver.

"No, Niff."

Carlos saw as Niff's face softened and her fist lowered. I guess she believed me. "Then... then we're good, I guess."

"Alright." he paused. "Do... do you want something from me, now? To be even?"

"Just help with my dyslexia stuff." She paused. "Do YOU want something as a reward for getting good grades next week?"

"No; I mean, not if you want to give me anything."

"Well, it was kind of fun, giving you a titjob." She paused. "D'you want another one?"

Carlos paused. "Sure," he said. This all feels like an elaborate set-up.

"Okay... then, do well in Jackson's class." Her face softened for a moment, before hardening back up. "And next time you come on my tits, have something that I can use to wipe it off, other than a dirty sock."

"Okay." As he moved away, Niff saw him mumble something under his breath that she couldn't make out.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'okay'."

She paused as she briefly racked her emotions. Eventually, she simply said "Okay."

Immediately after the moment, the voice of Carlos' mom cut through it like a knife through cloth, calling "Jennifer" to leave.

"Well, I guess that's my-"

Carlos cut off her sentence as he gave her a hug. Or rather, he pulled her in for a hug, catching off-guard. She wasn't used to hugs, and wasn't entirely sure what to do, so she... gingerly brought her arms up and hover-handed his back, before feeling more confident and putting her hands on him.

"Thanks, Niff."

"You're... welcome?"

"Jennifer!" Carlos' mom called again, her tone sounding more insistent and her footsteps sounding closer. Not wanting to test your mother’s patience, Niff released her already light grip on Carlos, and moved to be free of his suddenly tighter grip.

[liljungie]

Classroom 11 | Kim Namjoon

Pairing: Namjoon × reader

Word count: 4170

Warning: none

Summery: your 2 year of university takes a turn when the guy who helped with your essay in the library turns out to be your teacher.

[A/N : if you guys like this I'll make a part 2 please excuse any mistakes you find I'm so sorry I didn't want to leave you with nothing to read this week so I thought I'd post this and let me know if you're okay with me writing for TXT as well]

Masterlist

_

You were a university student who was rushing in a crowd to get to the nearest library, you had an essay to write and you forgot all about it, frat parties never did you good and you always regretted it the next morning because you had to go back to studying but you loved the rush you felt when you let yourself get lost in the music while you dance with your friends.

"Excuse me...sorry" you kept muttering as you make your way through the busy streets, did everyone have an essay to write on the same day as yours?! It drove you a bit insane but you tried your hardest not to lash out on anyone.

You were holding papers and books in one arm and the other was holding the strap of your bag so you don't lose it in the crowd

you felt your phone vibrate meaning you got a text your heart started to flutter at the thought of him it made you giddy and excited, you have been crushing on him since you got into university but he never noticed you until this semester which was your second year Soobin was everything you wanted in a guy, sweet, kind , witty how in the heavens wouldn't you crush on him?! you reached in your pocket which was hard because you also kept walking to get to the library

[Wanna grab breakfast?]

You groan in annoyance, you wanted to see him so bad but you couldn't, this grade is important because it was your sink or sail class and you really need that A or something close to it

You started to type a reply, your eyes only focusing on your phone not noticing that the girl infront of held the library door open for you, if she didn't it would slam shut in your face when you walked past her still imuresd in your phone she let go of the handle and went on with her day

[Hey I'm sorry I can't I have-]

You bumped into someone which caused you to lose your composure and knock everything you were holding down when you looked up frantic you saw a guy lay on the floor and books were scattered all around him.

'Crap' you mentally whined "I am so sorry oh god" you spoke reaching for his hand to help the poor guy you knocked off the ladder up, he chuckled and everything around you stopped when you saw his dimples

"it's okay... I thought no one is as clumsy as me, it happens" he told you as he took your hand and you helped him up he smiled down at you and boy he was tall "I'm really sorry I didn't even notice that I was inside.." you glance around finally realizing you got inside the library he shakes his head "don't worry about it.." you smiled sadly at him "are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?" You ask looking around for a blood stain or a bruise anywhere on his face or body but you found nothing "I'm okay really I was at the bottom of the ladder so it didn't hurt" he nodded your lips were in a line obviously you felt awful about it

"I'm sorry again this essay is just-" you groan and kneel down to pick up your things you feel him kneel as well, he gathers your papers and the book you were carrying "life through the decades?" He reads the title outloud you turn your head to him and nod "are you studying the exact same thing?" You asked he shakes his head "I graduated a year ago and no I studied marketing but I love reading"  he smiles while telling you "oh really? Lucky you I can't wait until I graduate" you sigh he gives you the papers and the book back and you thank him "I can help you with the essay if you want" he says after it was silent "oh no I don't want to be a bother" you smile "thank you so much though!" You add smiling at him he shakes his head "I insist besides you need all the help you can get" he smiles

truth to be told; you had no idea what to write in that essay because you never opened this book and only attended the classes so you wouldn't fail the class because of your attendance but you also barely went to that class and you had no idea what was the professor was babbling about when you did go, So yes you needed his help

"well...I do really need the help..are you sure it's not a bother?" His stare lingers on you, it feels a bit intense but then he tells you it would be his pleasure you both make your way to a table in the far back you told him your name and he told you that his name was Namjoon, Kim Namjoon, you recognized his name because everyone praised him for his intelligence and you always wondered how he looks like, the professors all over the university praised him, now that you were in his presence you could feel the knowledge pour from the guy

You didn't want to lie and say that it didn't turn you on in the slightest, because God he was charming and charismatic he spoke in way that made you get lost in him, it almost forced you to focus on him and what he's saying even if he was talking gibberish

You told honestly that you had no idea about what to write you didn't even read the book he chuckled "I struggled a lot with this subject as well no worries" he says "so ______ how about you read the book and I'll write your essay for you and we can add to it together after you know a bit about it does that sound okay?" He asks fixing his glasses

You were in a trance but quickly snapped out of it and nodded furiously he giggled and started to write away on the paper

You were a sucker for guys with dimples because soobin has them too, soobin!! You quickly grabbed the phone and saw a few messages from him

[_____?]

[You have been typing for an hour]

[Okay I'm getting worried]

[Cat got your tongue?]

You roll your eyes at his snarky comments and continue to type the reply you left not complete

[Hey I'm sorry I can't I have to write an essay I'll text you later]

You hit send and felt namjoon's eyes on you you turned to look at him to find him glaring at you "I told you to read not text.." you giggled "sorry boss I'm on it!"

He snickered and continued writing away on the paper

You had no idea how he 'struggled' in this subject at all he looks like he ate the book and all the information was digested and printed in his mind

You opened the book and started reading it you saw your phone light up your heart was bubbling, you wanted namjoon to write the essay for you and you could excuse yourself and go with soobin to get breakfast you would hit two birds in one stone; getting the boy you liked and your essay, but that would be an awful thing to do, soobin and the feelings you have for him can wait for now

Namjoon noticed you looking at your phone then back at him and he heard your phone vibrate against the wooden table he didn't take his eyes off the paper he was writing on "don't even think about it missy go on read the next line" he scolds you you huffed and continued reading

From that moment he knew that he is in for a lot with you he can't lie and say he wasn't excited.

_

Namjoon took you out to grab a snack and so you can take a break from reading, he saw how much you were struggling trying to process all of the information in the book and he felt bad for you

He took you to the bakery across the street but a bit further down away from the library, you both sat down on a table for two after you ordered coffee and muffins.

You were rubbing your forehead a headache was just settling in and it was hurting you slightly

He had a pout on his face seeing you like this, he wanted to send you off to do whatever you wanted and he'd call you after he's done with the paper so you can come and take it, all ready and done but he wanted to get to know you and spend more time with you

He was genuinely intrigued by you and he couldn't give up the chance of getting to know you

"You okay ______?" You heard him softly ask, you smiled at him "I'm okay, just a little headache" he frowns and reaches in his pocket and hands you two small pills, pain killers, you noticed them "I get headaches from working in the library there's a lot of things I'm responsible for there and it wears me down so I keep them in my pockets just incase I get one" he explains smiling "they're not drugs?" You playfully ask he threw his head down laughing while shaking his head "I would never drug you in public" he winked a playful smirk made it's way onto his face

You took them and swallowed them down right away, he was shocked to say the least he had the water bottle open for you and was going to hand it to you but when he saw you swallow the pills down without water it baffled him slightly

"You get drunk often?" He asks, you raise your eyebrow at the question but you nod "yeah why?" He nods "Hangovers taught you how to swallow pills without water it seems" you couldn't help but laugh a little "yeah I guess swallowing pills without water is a bit weird" you say resting you head in your palms.

"I can't remember the last time I got drunk..." he laughs "really?" You ask a bit shocked at his words he nods "I like being in control of my actions and the thought of not being sober or not being in control over my own self terrifies me" he told you "but life is pretty boring without drinking at least once a week" you say "I leaned to survive without it" he says and then the waiter places the tray with the food and the coffee you ordered and then both of you dig into the delicious muffins, both of you were starving

As the both of you ate you asked him why he worked for the library if he studied marketing you learned that he was counting his masters degree to pass time he decided to work for the library and to have fun while he was studying.

You admire him more and more talking to him came naturally you didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable around him it's like you knew each other from a long time after you both finished eating you both had an argument about who is going to pay and why it should be you because you bumped into him but he insisted that it should be him because he was the one who suggested to go out.

After a while he won and paid for the both of you, you thanked him but made a mental note to ask him one day in this week out for lunch or something.

_

Night rolled over pretty quick, your essay was done, you and namjoon were pretty close, you didn't know him well but you knew enough about him for you both to be good friends or so you would say that you were

He walked you to your dorm, you swooned inside he was such a gentle man he didn't want you to walk all the way back to the dorms by yourself at night, it even was a bit windy he took off his jacket and made you wear it

His secent was intoxicating and strong, you nuzzled in his jacket it was so soft and cozy...and definitely was too big for you

He smiled, seeing you in his jacket made him feel some type of way, it was so nice he didn't know why but suddenly he felt like he had to be there for you whenever you needed him he wanted to be there for you to protect you and help you whenever

It upset him slightly that you had to go home but he couldn't be more grateful for this chance

Both of you stood in front of your dorm door, the moonlight was shining on both of you illuminating the hallway

"Thank you namjoon for everything...I wouldn't have got it done without you" you tell him smiling softly adjusting your bag on your shoulder, you felt an odd feeling of nervousness taking over but you didn't know why...

He gave you a warm smile "I didn't do much..I was just trying to help" you smiled at him "you helped me so much I seriously don't know how to thank you"

The wheels turned in your head and you thought of a way to think him you just hope that he doesn't deny you

"How about umm.." you start to say looking away from his eyes for a brief moment trying to not trip on your words "we go out again...for lunch?" You say closing one eye unsure of how he'll react

He smirks as his stare pierce through you

"Are you asking me out on a date ____?"

Red hue covers your cheek 'ah God why did I say it like that' you mentally groaned but saw him chuckle "I'd love to go out with you again" he says quite gently

you could still hear the words loud and clear in your head so you lean closer to him and kiss him on the cheek your eyes fluttering shut

Your kiss lingering for awhile then you pulled away from him opening your eyes again "night Namjoon" you send him a playful smirk closing the door after you

You left him stunned he just stood there not believing that you did what you did, girls never found him attractive they always thought he was a nerd or a geek, surely he slept with girls before but never dated anyone thinking that there was something wrong with him.

Nothing is ever complete, human beings should lack in something but he kinda wished he had a bit of luck when it came to love

He walked home with the biggest smile on his face, could it be you? the one who is going to love him for who he is The geeky nerdy man? he kept thinking about you and your smile and your eyes that made him melt they were so inviting and pretty he could stare at you all day and night and never get tired

That night the both of you slept with smiles on your faces and you couldn't wait for Tomorrow to come, surely you had classes but you were going to see namjoon again at lunch and that made you fall asleep quickly so the morning comes faster.

_

Loud ringing woke up Namjoon he was startled by the sudden noise but he grabbed the phone and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Kim Namjoon I'm the head teacher of VXU I'm sorry for the disturbance"

Namjoon sat up in his bed recognizing his head teacher's voice "no sir it's okay, how can I help?" He replied

"I need you to fill in for professor Joshua he went to the ER yesterday and I can't find someone qualified enough to give the classes until he recovers and the students are about to have their midterms"

Namjoon was nodding but he just remembered that his head teacher can't see him, clearly he was still sleepy "I see, sir,when do you want me to start?"

"Today! your first class starts at 8:30 and it ends at 10:30 you can come by my office to get everything you need" he informs

"But sir I still don't know what class I'm gonna be teaching" namjoon spoke a bit frustrated because while he carried on with the phone call he started to get ready it was 7 am he barely had time to get there

"you'll be teaching 2nd year students life through the years as you're the only one of his students that got A+!"

Namjoon mentally groaned about teaching history, not his favourite subject if he's honest and he's going to teach students around his age and younger so that's going to be fun...not, he remembers how students made fun of young upcoming teachers and never took them seriously

"I'll be there in a few sir" Namjoon said ending the call then he took a deep breath, dredging the thought of being a teacher until God knows when.

_

Your alarm went off at least ten times before you finally woke up it was 8 and you started to rush to get ready so you can be there on time for your lecture that starts at 8:30

No matter how much you make promises with yourself that you'll get up early so you don't tire yourself rushing you never learn you keep going to bed late and regret it when you hear that haunting alarm sound

You mutter apologies as you run through the crowds afraid of being late then you remember that you barely went to this so you pull out your timetable from your back pocket to see what class you're supposed to walk to

Classroom 11 where your first lecture was at, you whined at the thought of taking history class this early it was almost impossible for you to pass it, not only did you go to it out of breath and on the verge of dying because you were always late but you barely understood the book yesterday, sure Namjoon was a great tutor but your brain couldn't take all of his explanation in.

You cursed yourself for getting distracted by his looks and the way he talked, you pray and hope to God that your professor talks about what namjoon explained yesterday because you were not in the mood for a new lesson about how life was before you were born.

_

Namjoon reads his schedule for the day, 'history this early in the morning?!' He mentally groaned it was even more tiring for him as a teacher now, he was new to all of this and to give him such a subject like history as a start was overwhelming for a guy in his twenties who graduated not four months ago

He manged to scan through the lesson he was going to give,silently thanking the heavens that you bumped into him yesterday and refreshed his mind, he almost was starting to forget this subject and what it contains but since he explained it to you yesterday he had a pretty good idea of what he's in for,he felt excited and confident and started to make his way to the classroom to give his very first lecture 'I hope you're proud mama' he mentally snickered at the thought of him being a teacher

You made it on time and luckily your professor wasn't in the classroom yet you almost cried of happiness that you actually made it and that you weren't going to be yelled at infront of...well many students..

The classroom was full of students since all majors had history and that was the only class you met people who were studying something different from you, it was the perfect opportunity to make friends since you were outgoing it wasn't that hard to make new friendships and getting to know people just means more parties in the future

You heard girls gossip about your professor but you didn't pay it much attention, some girls would do anything for an A+ and they always had eyes for older men which rubbed you off in the wrong way but again their life their choice but you swore across your heart you won't ever suck dick for a grade or have one night stands for a benefit

That was just not you and not your thing,

Not to mention if anyone from the university authorities knew about a professor sleeping with a student or even another professor they'll be facing a major lawsuit the university was very strict when it came to that subject and they were brutal

It happened before the art teacher fell in love with the music teacher and were dating when they were off campus but as soon as the head master found out about their relationship both of them got fired and because the authorities made it look like they broke the law the other universities couldn't hire them because if they broke a simple rule like that they couldn't imagine what other rules they'll take lightly which was very unfair and brutal, all they did was love each other!

Everyone accepted that and knew that they shouldn't question it they learned when to stop arguing when it came down to that stupid rule,you didn't want to know to what happens if a student and a teacher was caught together

"Morning class" a stern deep voice spoke the whole of the class fell silent, you looked up raising your eyebrows questionly..that wasn't professor Joshua voice. you're used to your professor coughing his lungs out when he entered

You lift your head up to be met with the same guy you bumped into yesterday, the same guy that helped you write your essay the one and only Namjoon, the dimpled librarian.

There's no way he's going to be teaching you and everyone else history?! He is a marketing graduate! What does he know about teaching?! You were puzzled and your mind was swirling with thoughts

"My name is teacher Namjoon...I'll be the substitute teacher until professor Josha returns" he smiles showing his dimples,your heart fell you felt it shatter..you were starting to like him but now that he's your..teacher you can't..

You felt angry how could he not tell you? You spent all day yesterday together he had plenty of time to say that he was going to be your teacher he didn't even reject the date! How can he do that? It was practically illegal what would happen if they saw you and him together? You didn't know why you even thought of that the whole thing was pissing you off you wanted to get up and leave

You didn't care anymore, you were starting to like him 'damn it!' You thought then his eyes met yours and the world around you paused you can see the shock fall down on him you saw his eyes get wider and his mouth was slightly open with disbelief

he felt like a mutant he wanted to rewind time and politely decline he didn't care how amazing this would be for his resime that means he can't be with you for the time being and who knows if professor Joshua will ever recover?

Namjoon filling in for him might take years because well.. all of you know that professor Joshua was on the edge of his death and that his trip to the ER yesterday could be fatal which made Namjoon want to tire his hair out, he can't afford losing the chance of being with you for a job like this.

Yes, he will get paid better than working for the library, yes this job would be perfect in his CV but that potentially could mean that he'll kiss his dreams of being with you goodbye

Your heart was hammering against your ribcage you felt so..betrayed that he just let you fall for him and in the end you'll never have him because he was your teacher.

You can't even be friends with him anymore because that would definitely raise one too many questions and you didn't want to be targeted by anyone nor did you want to be kicked out of uni

You saw him shake his head "I apologize I lost my train of thought.." he laughed nervously and every girl swooned over him which made your blood boil "ah let's see today we're talking about the midevils.. please open your notebooks and follow me through because I won't repeat myself.." he gave them a fake smile and nodded turning his frame and began writing on the white bored.

You roll your eyes and open the book nonetheless this is going to be one hell of a rest of semester...

[peterpanfromlemonland]

Angel of Arkham

"So," Paris Beckett, one of Arkham's newest therapists and psychiatrists clicked her pen as she stared straight into Jerome Valeska's eyes, "Why did you do it?" she leaned back in her chair as the crazy eyed ginger, wiggling in his restraints, smirked. This wasn't the first time these two have met...

6 months ago...

Paris was watching the circus with her niece that calm Sunday evening, not much was going on that night, just the regular acrobats and clowns. That was until a fight ensued between the clowns and acrobats. "Oh dear," Paris muttered as her niece grimaced and looked away, "I don't think this is supposed to happen..."

"GCPD!" A voice rang out through the circus tent, a cop, "Everybody freeze!" The string of events that happened next caught Paris off guard, she was hoping for a relaxing evening but instead she got a case placed on her hands. Sadly, her "people" skills wouldn't be needed until later.

"C'mon kiddo," Paris picked up the child, "Let's get you back home before your dad scolds me for getting you involved in my work." as the two of them left the tent a young ginger, no older than Paris bumped into them- literally- and dropped his bag of cherry flavoured candies. "Oh," Paris muttered as she knelt down to pick it up, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, I wasn't looking where I was-"

"No, no," the ginger man replied as he knelt down at the same time, "It was my fault-" their hands collided and their eyes locked onto each others. The two of them stared at each other for a moment, Paris felt the warmth of his fingers brush against hers as he blindly fumbled for the bag, until the scene before her finally began to process fully.

"Oh shit!" she jerked her hand away suddenly, her niece yelping at the random movement, "I'm so so sorry... again... I didn't mean-" she stuttered as her face flushed red, rising to her feet as her niece glanced around curiously. The ginger smiled awkwardly, that smile brought butterflies to Paris's torso, it was then did the man's features jump out at her. He was kind of cute...

"Again," he chuckled grabbing the bag and hopping to his feet as well, he was a few inches taller than Paris, "It was my fault, I wasn't watching where I was going." Paris was about to say more but the pressure of her niece gently banging her head against her shoulder stopped her.

"I- uh," Paris muttered shyly, "Sorry again- crap!"

"No worries, sweets," the ginger chuckled, "I'm Jerome, by the way."

"Paris," she smiled with a slight bow, "Nice to meet you." Jerome smiled back at her before taking his leave, her eyes followed him until he faded into the darkness. A smile still on her face.

"Aunt Paris," the small voice of her niece broke through her thoughts, "Can we go home now? I'm sleepy." Paris finally remembered why she was outside, she hummed in compliance and headed to her car. The trip to Paris's brother's house was 15 minutes, it was a quiet 15 minutes, time seemed to fly by without a moment's notice.

The next thing Paris knew was that she was pulling into her brother's driveway, she shuffled out of the car with her niece in her arms, "Paris," her brother smiled as he opened the door, "Thanks for taking care of her."

"It was no trouble at all, Jack," Paris replied softly, "We had fun." she placed the young girl in her brother's arms. She could see he wanted to say more but she quickly nodded a goodbye and rushed to her car.

"Paris!" Jack called out before she could leave, "Take care of yourself, kid." Paris stared at him before flashing him a smile and driving off...

The next day Paris was called to the scene, her job was to evaluate people's mental state after a crime as well as help out the detectives gather evidence. She pulled up to the circus parking with no knowledge of what happened after she left the previous night. When she got out of her car, a detective by the name of Gordon approached her, "Ms. Beckett?" he stopped her in her tracks.

"Yes?" she replied flatly as she took a sip of her coffee.

"I'm detective Gordon with the GCPD, you were here when the commotion started correct?"

"Yes sir." Gordon looked much older than Paris, maybe around his late 20s to early 30s, "One of the circus members attacked a fellow circus member." the two of them began walking.

"That," the detective said through gritted teeth, "And we happened to stumble across a dead body." Paris nearly tripped over her own feet. Turns out that the body they found was the mother of Jerome, Paris could feel her heart plummet to her stomach. She couldn't imagine the pain that sweet boy was going through.

"So..." Gordon focused his gaze on the girl, "We want you to talk to him..." his tone was cold and blank.

"That's my job, detective," Paris replied, "But something in your tone says that you don't think I can do my job." Gordon scoffed and bit his cheek.

"How old are you again?" he cocked his head skeptically.

"18," she replied with confidence, "Should that matter?"

"Look, I have no problem with you- really- I just think you're a bit-"

"-Too young to be a psychiatrist and therapist?" she smirked, "I assure you, sir, I scored the top of my class." and with that she walked off, leaving the detective dumbfounded, a smirk crawling across her face.

Paris made her way to find Jerome, asking here and there about his whereabouts, he was sitting outside of his trailer hugging his knees with his face buried. The poor thing must've been crying all night. She approached him gently and quietly, "Jerome?" she chirped softly, causing him to jolt in his seat, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you-" she noticed that his eyes were red and puffy, probably from crying, she gazed at him warmly with a small smile.

All the boy did was sniffle and look away in shame and grief, "What do you want?" he grumbled, aware of the girl taking a small step closer to him.

"Mind if I sit by you...?" she tilted her head quizzically. Jerome just scowled in response, yet she still sat by him anyway. The boy didn't protest or argue, he just scooted over a bit to make room for the girl.

"Why are you here?" Jerome finally spoke, "You don't look like a cop..."

"That is true," Paris shrugged, "But I do evaluate people."

"What? So you're like a shrink?" he scoffed.

"I guess. But I'd also like to be your friend."

"Did they tell you to say that?"

"No," Paris chuckled, "I actually do want to be your friend."

"What's in it for you?" Jerome muttered.

"Another person to share jokes with and eat icecream with?" Paris noticed a change in Jerome's postrue, she smiled softly. The two of them sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Paris spoke again. "You doing okay? With all that happened?" Jerome sniffled and shrugged, rubbing his eyes against his sleeve.

Paris shifted to give him a hug but he jerked as if he was expecting her to smack him in the face. Her eyes met with his, once he saw no malicious intentions he calmed down and allowed her to gently hug him. Jerome cried into her shoulder for what seemed like hours, Paris rubbed his back soothingly and rocked back and forth softly. When he finished crying Paris hopped to her feet and extended a hand out to him.

"Walk with me?" she asked with a childlike wonder in her tone, Jerome couldn't refuse. The ginger took her hand in his and was quickly yanked to his feet and dragged away. The two of them weaved their way around the circus, Paris taking in the scene around her.

"Were you two close?" she asked, Jerome tilted his head in confusion, "You and your mother?" Jerome hissed in disgust as she mentioned his mother, that hiss was enough to answer Paris's question. Jerome began to tell the girl about his relationship with his mother and how she would always beat him, he told her about how he would often find his mother in bed with another man, about how she would get drunk and hit him again and again for no reason at all. Paris jotting down notes as a therapist would.

"'Jerome'," he mocked, "'Go take out the trash!' Or 'Jerome, it's always your fault!' followed by her banging a clown in the other room. I'm sorry, I'm rambling again."

"It's quite alright," Paris reassured him, "As a friend, and a therapist, it's my job to listen." Jerome stopped and smiled at her, she was quite different than the others he had met.

"My mother's love life never really bothered me at all," Jerome continued, "I mean, it's the reason I exist."

"True." Paris shrugged in agreement.

"I just hope that they find whoever did this..."

"I do as well..." Paris's voice grew quiet, Jerome noticed that her gaze darkened so he quickly changed the subject.

"I gotta go run some errands soon," he scratched his neck, "But I kinda wanna talk to you more."

"Thank you." Paris beamed at this comment.

"Mind if I get your number, sweets?" Paris didn't refuse, she quickly scribbled her number on a fresh page in her notebook before tearing it out and handing it to the ginger. Jerome said his thanks as he shoved the piece of paper into his jeans pocket, "When's a good time to call you?" he asked before he left.

"Around 5:30-6ish," Paris hummed, "Weekends I'm free to talk all day."

"You wanna go out to dinner with me tonight?" Jerome asked before she left.

"Sure, surpirse me!"

"I'll call you later tonight."

And with that the two said their goodbyes and headed their separate ways...

Back to present day, in Arkham...

Paris waited patiently for an answer, Jerome's frenzied gaze burning a hole through her composure and confidence. The silence was suffocating.

"Well?" she urged, "I'm waiting for your answer." Jerome only laughed, if it were during other circumstances Paris would've adored that laugh of his. But in that moment his laugh brought fear.

"You remember the time I took you out for dinner," Jerome started, "Right, sweets?"

[umccall71]

The Arrangement:Til you come back to me

Book: The Royal Romance

Characters:King Liam x (mc) Queen Sexy

Rating:mature

Disclaimer: All characters used are sole property of Pixelberry. I am simply borrowing them for entertainment purposes.

Warning:The contents of this series includes nsfw, profanity, adult content, talk of sexual harassment and loss of a child. By reading this post, you acknowledged you are 18 +.

Requested Tags

@ownworldresident

@hopefulmoonobject

@3pawandme

@blackcoffee85

@carabeth

@lauradowning29

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@silviasutton1989

~~~~~

The minutes seemed like hours trapped in the study with the two people that hated her most.Hana… “how the hell did Hana make it here, undetected?”,she internally thought to herself.Sexy felt lightheaded, but fought through it… she had to keep her wits about herself.

“Madeleine… I am really confused as to why you're here… with Hana of all people.”

The blonde bitch looked at her… or through her depending on the moment. Sexy could see a profound hatred when she skimmed Madeleine’s eyes. Maddie tried to mask her disdain for the former commoner turned Queen.Staring into her gaze, all the time from the moment she landed in Cordonia until Liam proposed flashed through her mind. In front of Sexy sat the epitome of all the torment, torture, feeling less than, the whispers, the smirks, the dismissing attitude all wrapped in a crusty green designer dress.

“You say your confused like that’s a hard feat to pull over your head.”, she smirked, “what’s confusing you dear?Perhaps sitting in the chair that should have been mine … in front of the two women you have wronged?”There was no way She could really believe this load of crap she was spewing.

Sexy felt her phone buzz,.. another text from Liam.

“Is that my king reaching out?Madeline was taking please in taunting Sexy .

“It’s nothing… it’s a little late, he’s probably wondering how soon I’ll be there.” Sexy felt her stomach tightening as if she had to retch.She breathed in deeply, composing herself trying to figure out how long before the guard returns.

Madeleine continued her symphony of her windbag concerto. Her voice was sounding a lot like an old phonograph playing at the wrong speed. She focused her attention on Hana playing with her braid by the French doors.

“ Hana… how are you holding up? I heard about your loss, I can only imagine what you must be feeling.” Sexy’s voice registered low and calming, which created the opposite effect on the manic woman that felt she had nothing to lose.

“What Do You know about loss?, she screeched like a banshee. “ you took everything I ever cared about from me.Madeline wouldn’t have cared if Liam and I were lovers, she would have welcomed it. Had you gotten on that plane, both of lives would be so different.” Sexy noticed that Hana’s face was devoid of any emotions. Her words did not match her features.

Madeline chimed in , bolstering a frantic, upset Hana to continue her version of the truth. “ Hana … tell how you know that she’s the reason everybody was tricked into believing the baby was not Liam’s.Tell her how you know she had the results changed in order to get you out of his life even though he loves you.”

Sexy heard a knock on her study door… security guard on the other side. How does she get him to help her without jeopardizing her safety? “ I’m okay… I still have quite a bit to do.” She uttered through the locked door. “ Why don’t you go get some coffee for yourself? I am still wrapped up in things.”

Sexy felt her heart racing although her voice didn’t betray her.She knew she had convinced him there was nothing out of the ordinary occurring.

“ Yes ma’am… I won’t be long.” She held her a breath she did not know she had inside praying that he would go… no questions asked.

“Bravo bitch… I guess your better at deception than I thought.”, Madeleine spit out.

Hana started approaching the desk with desperation in her eyes and disparities.

“Why couldn’t you just leave us be Sexy? Hana’s hands.. raw and skin peeling… her body draped with a T-shirt two sizes too big and jeans loosely fitting from the numerous meals that had been skipped. Sexy could help but notice a crimson stain on her jeans… blood. Blood that was purging from her body , evidence of the miscarriage. Hana was not focused on the here and now. She was fueled by delusions and anger fed to her like a eight course extravagant meal. Sexy’s heart broke for this fragile being detached from reality.

“ Hana… you were there when we worked together to clear my name of the false scandal… remember?” Sexy rose from the chair and slowly moved around the desk , nearing Hana clueless how she would make sense to the senseless.

“Hana … you know perfectly well she stole Liam from me and then from you. He has always saw both of us as kindred spirits and perfect candidates for Queen. Do not let her convince you otherwise.” Watching Madeline manipulating Hana was surreal. Sexy had a lot experience with this woman twisting scenarios to suit her own purpose. “ I will give you some privacy to make damn sure she understands what she has done. Sexy feels she entitled to king Liam, but she must learn her place.

Madeleine stood up from the chair and walked over to Hana giving her a fake hug and smiled wickedly st Sexy. “Ta Ta ladies, I will show myself out and I will be waiting for you Hana once your done.” Madeleine disappeared behind a false wall that had been installed years ago. This was how she managed to get into the palace… unseen. Her years spent at social functions and being engaged formerly to Leo, afforded her free movement around the majestic building.She orchestrated her and Hana movement in and out of Cordonia and Shanghai. “ I’m sure there’s a trail bribes from here to Shanghai allowing her to get a mental patient out so easily.”, she thought to herself watching Hana as three women , became two.

Sexy steadies her breathing and tries to collect her thoughts.She paces back and forth landing in a lean against the front of her desk.Sexy grips the desk edge so tightly, her knuckles turn white.The room is illuminated with a Tiffany desk lamp and moonlight breaking through the doors leading to the balcony. She scans the room and notices the light from her screensaver flashing a notification from Liam. She focuses on the photo locked in her phone of her loving husband holding their son and daughter flashing his crooked smile when he’s up to mischief.Her mind goes to them….God how much she loves them … needs them.. they are her world.Sexy takes her lead from the unstable woman standing in front of her hoping that reason will win out… sanity will win out.She watches Hana pacing the room… anger flashing in her eyes.

“You didn’t want me to give Liam a child… our child. He loves me, but denies it because of you. We were bred to have similar lifestyles and duties. But YOU…. you turned him against me and against our baby. I know… I know you had them kill my baby… you bitch!” Hana frantically rubbed her head, rubbing her forearm as if trying to rid her skin of a poison and fire.

“ Hana… in your heart of hearts you know that not true. You’ve been fed lies to make you feel I was against you. We were friends… once upon a time.I realize you have a lot of emotions floating in your head and it’s hard to make sense of it all.”Sexy tries to coax her to sit together on the couch. She feels if she stops talking, things will go south … fast. Keep talking Sexy, distract her, take her mind off of the lies Madeleine fed her.Sexy’s thoughts are running a hundred miles a minute. She thinks of all the methods she will take advantage of to make the blonde , desperate bitch pay. She knows she has built this powder keg.

Outside the door the guard receives a call from his majesty inquiring about the whereabouts of his queen.

“Sir… her majesty is still inside working and wishes not to be disturbed.”

“ I’m fairly that does not apply to her king.”Suddenly there was a sound of glass crashing to the floor. “What was that!” Liam has a panic stricken voice choking to come out. He knew that the guard was mere feet away from his Queen.

“Sir… I’m going to check on the disturbance now.” The line goes silent and Liam’s heart races not knowing what’s going on. Fear is something his wife spoke so eloquently about weeks ago when the news of Hana was delivered. He promised her that they indeed… they have each other. Fear would no longer dictate his actions. He needed to focus on staying calm and trusting his guards. He knew in his gut that the men and women that protect his family.. do so at great peril to themselves. Liam found himself rooted in the nursery staring down at his children, whispering to them how much he loves them and their mama. He slides his tall stature frame to the floor zoning out waiting to hear back from the guard, better yet his wife.

Back in the queens study, Sexy tries to get through to Hana.The queen failed to get Hana to be seated , but she was jumpy.. this scared Sexy a bit.

Hana moves closer to Sexy’s face glaring… fear flashing before her eyes.

“ You stole my life Sexy.. you stole my child!”, she grimaced and locked her jaw speaking through gritted teeth. Hana out of the blue smiles .. diabolically,” Perhaps… I should become mommy to the twins and join Liam every night in bed… making love all night long. I would ravish him into the early morning hours.” She laughs as she grips sexy hair pulling her head backwards.

Sexy felt her scalp on fire from the location where her hair follicles were in distress. “How would you ...How could you take my place with my family, don’t you think they would notice I’m missing?”

“ Oh Sexy… you wouldn’t be missing, you would be gone… dead. Of course Liam would feign grief for awhile, but he will need a new queen to rule at his side. The twins are so young… they won’t miss you at all… I will be the mother they deserve.First… you have to go.”Sexy felt enraged by her words, she would never leave her family to the devices of a deranged woman.She felt Hana’s hand starting to grip at her throat.One hand soon joined by her second hand, squeezing, droplets of blood drawn oozing down her slender neck.

Sexy found difficulty in breathing, but knew she needed to focus on getting home to her family.. to keep them safe. Images of the time she’s shared with the love of her life and their babies flashed through her … driving a response to fight . Sexy reached for the lamp on her desk finding it hard to reach. Her body slid back on the desk knocking the lamp to the floor sending it to crashing splintered grace. “Damn… I can’t get to it.”, she uttered to herself. While fighting to hold on to consciousness she gripped at anything on her desk when her delicate, manicured fingers found their way to her letter opener. Suddenly fight or flight, Sexy slashes at Hana’s arms trying to free the grasp on her throat.

“ You bitch!”, Hana shouts but this motion creates a window to get away from her grip.

Sexy twist in a tenable position trying to make it to the door … to help.The letter opener falls to the floor.. Sexy’s head slams to the side of the desk incapacity has her momentarily. Hana manages to get ahold of the letter opener and jabs it into Sexy’s back shoulder, before she could lift bit to repeat the action the study door flew open and Hana was tackled by several members of the king’s guard.

Bastien flew into the room on the phone with an ambulance to get help for the Queen.The room was spinning and finally grew dark. Sexy had lost consciousness … she felt a coldness running through her head, blurring her vision.

“ We have to alert his majesty that the queen is in trouble and we are en route to the hospital.Get a staff member to the royal residence to watch the children while the king makes it to her side.

After about 15 minutes, Sexy was rushed through the entrance of the hospital where an urgent care staff waited for her arrival. They raced to get her into the building as quickly as possible avoiding any press. The staff worked in precisioned focus to get to the source of the blood and pinpoint the injuries.The doctor ordered blood test and matching In Case of transfusion necessity. A full battery of standard testing was ran on the Queen while liquid stitches were applied to seal the slight opened gash on the corner of her head. Within minutes the doctor had results in hand on order properly diagnose and care for the Queen.

The doctor’s eyes stretched slightly at the results, “ Are all of these results conclusive? These results here… the levels are elevated. I would like to get an ultrasound ordered immediately.”Medical staff flying around in a flurry tending to the VIP patient.

Liam’s SUV came to a jaunting stop in front of the private entrance that had been communicated prior to arrival by Bastien. The head of his King’s guard met his majesty outside the entrance. Bastien opened the rear door allowing quick exit .

“Where is she ?!Take me to her now!” Liam composes himself as he took long strides through the corridors to find his wife.The ever stoic king could not breathe until he laid eyes on his Queen.Panic setting in not knowing what happened and the status of the love of his life. Bastien ushered him into a private waiting room set aside for royalty and nobles. “ Bastien … tell me how the hell we ended up in the hospital when I had my Queen in her study working!”He ran his large hands over his head , finally allowing for his breath to escape. The door opened after a quiet knock, “ Your majesty, I am Dr. Ashton the attending physician caring for the Queen. We have managed to seal the wound on her head.”The doctor paused allowing Liam to process the information that was just conveyed. “Sir… May I speak to you in private regarding her majesty?”

Liam’s blue eyes darted between his personal guard and the doctor.Bastien bowed and exited the room allowing the two men to speak freely.After several moments the doctor continued with his train of thought.

“Sir… her majesty was bought in unconscious . She has not regained consciousness since being here. We are wanting to perform a cat scan on her head to check for internal injuries, but we first need to make sure there are no adverse risk to her.”

Alarm flits across Liam’s face at the nervousness to complete his thought. “ what is that.. what risk?”

“ Sir we ran several test to determine blood type and possible mitigating factors that could complicate course of treatment.Your majesty...we need to perform an ultrasound to determine how far along her majesty is.”

Liam felt his heart race and the sound of the doctor’s voice fading away. “Did… I hear you correctly? We’re pregnant?” Liam smile was quickly replaced with concern, “ so you feel the scan can pose a risk to her and the baby?”

The doctor led Liam over to be seated while addressing his concerns… “ the scan will not be performed on her abdomen, so there is minimal exposure to radiation. We will first determine how far along the pregnancy progressed. If you join me in her room , we are about to do an ultrasound.”

“Let’s go… she hasn’t been feeling well , but we thought she had a bug.” Liam felt such a swell knowing that another child was created from their love. Here she was fighting her way back to him… and fighting for the life of their child he was unaware she was carrying. Liam and the doctor, followed by Bastien madd their way into the room holding the Queen setting up for an ultrasound.

“ Your majesty when her results came back, her HcG levels were extremely high.The ultrasound should give us an indication what’s going on.”Dr. Ashton moves the rolling table holding the machines around to the side of the bed exposing Sexy’s stomach.He squeezes a gel on her stomach to enhance the imaging.Liam took hold of her hand, thumb absentmindedly stroking her skin.within minutes of moving the probe over her abdomen… an image appeared on the screen.Liam was now eyes locked watching the first glimpse of his child, their child. His breath hitched in his throat knowing this blip was a manifestation of the love they share.

“Sir… right here is baby# 1… and here is baby # 2.” Liam’s fist flew to his lips trying to conceal a scream from escaping. His eyes glossy with tears threatening to spill over.He moves closer to the bed as the doctor continued to check measurements and approximate due date.He leaned down and placed a chaste kiss to side of her head.Liam closes his eyes briefly taking in the moment of hearing that he would be a father again.

“ Your majesty, based on the measurements, I would say she is about 12 weeks pregnant with twins.Dr. Ashton smiled warmly, “ congratulation to you both.I am going to make arrangements for her scan right away.”, I will give you a minute alone with her majesty.

Liam smiles, “thank you, just make sure she’s okay… they’re okay. I’m trusting my extended family to you.Dr. Ashton nods and exits the room.

“Bastien…. please contact duchess Olivia and request she go to the palace to stay with the twins until morning when the nannies arrive. I don’t want just anyone with them. I need to make sure Sexy doesn’t have to worry about them when she wakes up.”

Bastien bends deeply at the waist and proceeds to satisfy his King’s request. Suddenly the room was eerily quiet, he leaned down and whispered in her ear.

“My love… there’s so much going through my mind, but first I need to see you open your beautiful eyes.”, he sniffs trying to hold back the tears again. “ I need to see the look in your eyes when you learn we are need to prepare for twins again. Did you know you we’re with child? That doesn’t matter now… I never thought I could be happier than the day you shared with me we would be starting our family. Sexy … you are my dreams personified. I need you… to wake up so we can plan the biggest celebration Cordonia has ever seen.I need to be able to hold you and thank you for everything you have given me , as a man. I remember you telling me titles are not important, it’s not the measure of the man. You were happy to love me… just Liam.”He felt his heart breaking and overflowing with love at the same time. “ You asked me what I desired for my birthday… there is no greater gift than to learn we are expecting again.”, he chuckles to himself quietly. Suddenly realization setting in.. twelve weeks… he grins thinking back to when they shared paradise. “ Elafonissi, we started anew and lord and behold… new additions to our family.”

Liam moves further down the bed , leans down and kisses her stomach. “I can’t wait to meet you two… welcome to the family my newest angels” He gazed up and silently prayed for his mother’s spirit to watch over his unborn children, her would be grandchildren. The door opened slowly… “ we are ready for her your majesty.”

He watched as his heart in human form is wheeled down the hall , “ Bastien… you all had damn well better make sure that crazy bitch doesn’t escape again. I tried showing compassion and where did that get me… with my Queen in a hospital fighting to protect our children.I need this handled… Now!”

Bastien quickly retreated outside to make calls and get the ball rolling to find out… what the fuck just happened.

“ Don’t worry my love.. I’m here and I’m not leaving without you.”Liam slumps in the chair awaiting her return … pondering where he failed her, he knew he had to make this right.

[strictly-script]

This is so hard to do though. For me anyway. I've been trying to replace that crap in my language for a while now, and I've gotten a lot better but I'm still really really bad about it. It's a process. What I've found helps me is to not beat myself up about it, but to make a point of correcting it. In the moment. When you slip up, don't make a mental note to do better next time. Fix it then. If you're in the company of friends who know you're trying to have better self talk, there's no harm in correcting yourself out loud in that moment.

"God why am I such a shitshow? Wait, no. Sorry. What I mean by that is that I'm frustrated by my attempts to manage my health but I know my body and mind are doing their best to function and I know I'm doing my best to work with them."

"Haha kill me. Well no, don't do that. I just wish I didn't feel this way. A hug might help."

"I have such crappy focus I'm never going to be able to operate on my own as an adult. Well, I guess that's not true. Maybe I'll find tools that help me focus and even if I don't I am learning to recognize that sometimes being bad at focusing is just the trade off I have for being good at having lots of ideas and being able to manage lots of projects at once even if none of them can receive all of my attention."

This feels weird and clunky at first, and certainly there are conversations where it's not appropriate to have that kind of dialogue. But a lot of my friends have gotten used to me doing this and I'm really grateful for that. When I slip up, I can pause, and then out loud dissect what I said and correct it. And I really find that this has helped me slip up less. I need to do it more. I don't do it enough. It's hard. And it's hard to slip up and then correct yourself without slipping up again, like, "God I'm such a shitshow. Oh, I shouldn't say stupid crap like that, what an idiot I am." I do that sometimes. And then what do I do? Correct that. "No, I'm not a shitshow and I'm not an idiot, I'm just struggling to take care of myself but I'm doing my best and my best gets better every day."

This stuff is hard. Rewiring your brain is hard. My brain was wired by bullying and emotional abuse from my mother, and it was wired to continue enforcing that wiring. So yeah, undoing that is really difficult and can require a lot of work. But it's work that can be done in the company of my friends, and it's work that has noticeable positive effects on my mood both in the long run and in the exact moment that I make the corrections. So I do it. And you should too.

I really like the suggestion to make the ironically over the top positive jokes about yourself!

And all of this also makes you a much more pleasant person to be around! Doesn't it make you uncomfy and sad when your friends say stuff like this? I know it makes me uncomfy and sad. I want to help them and correct them and make them know they are beautiful and loved, but that can be exhausting. I think my friends feel much better about spending time with me when I correct myself instead of them having to do it, or when I just don't say those things at all. And that's not to say I be pretend I'm okay. I don't. Sometimes I'm not okay and that's fine. But instead of saying "I'm such a worthless piece of shit sorry you have to hang out with me" I try to say things like "today is a particularly bad day for my depression, I feel sort of worthless, but thank you for your company, it really helps."

Which brings me to two more simple things you can do. First, if you must say "I'm a failure" say "I feel like a failure" instead. One of those things is false and the other is true. You are not a failure. You just feel like one. If you need to acknowledge that feeling, make sure that you acknowledge that it is a FEELING. Second, replace apologies with thank yous. It's not, "I'm sorry I'm like this," it's "thank you for helping me take care of myself." It's not "I'm sorry I'm so incompetent" it's "thank you for being patient with me." These things really help. And these two things and the kind of thing you're allowed to correct yourself out loud with as I explained earlier.

It also helps to end your comments with a look to the future. "I'm struggling but I'm going to keep trying my hardest." "Taking care of myself is hard but I'm better at it than I used to be and I'll be even better at it a year from now." "Right now this feels like a very low point in my career but I think when I look back on it I will be able to see some humor in it or be happy I learned the lessons I did."

This post is getting way longer than I meant for it to be but I want to finish it by acknowledging again how hard this stuff is and how I probably haven't even managed to replace a quarter of my negative self talk so I've got a long way to go. But even the amount that I have changed it has made a positive impact on my mood and self esteem. So seriously. Try it. Just a little bit. It feels good to be kind to yourself.

a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore

by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore 

never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.

find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.

talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore

picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else

if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.

[myvelouri]

Have I really changed that much? I thought I did, physically, but just thought it was noticeable only to me because it was all subtle.

All I can think of his how positive everyone treated me back then versus how terrible I'm being treated now, including some of the people who treated me well back then who treat me extremely poorly now.

I just remember my family, cousins, would reply to my selfies on my story and be like "hey stunner." I remember my cousin, she'd do that, she stopped caring about me or talking to me... Idk why... We were close and suddenly I'm just crap. The other cousin, she'd be like "yeah he was handsome before, but NOW look at him" and I felt sort of surprised but elated that I looked good to everyone.

One thing that breaks my heart is that friend I had, she was so, she liked me a whole lot. She'd message me randomly saying she thought she ran into me but it turned out to be someone else. Ya, she thought it was me and surprise-hugged the dude. That's how much she liked me that she's hug me. I used to text her a lot. She used to send me heart eye emojis on my Snapchat stories, my selfies. She used to give heart emojis. She thought I was hot af. I remember a post in a suit for a wedding and she just said "omg kill me, end my life" haha. I remember she'd be like "omg selfie of the year keep this one" to other ones. I remember texting her and I'd tell her I've got to go to work and she'd be like awww okay. I remember some funny crazy huge coincidence type shit happening and we'd flip out! We were friends man. I loved her. She was hilarious. Yeah well, suddenly she became extremely mean and she out of nowhere responded to me in a very crude and degrading way with f bombs and all. I haven't talked to her since then. It was weird. Like a different person. She's a total bitch. And I'm thinking she was only ever nice to me because she thought I was hot, and now that I'm apparently not, she treats me like subhuman crap. I guess.

I feel so much suffering from my bad health, bad luck and the scars I've mentioned, the situations I've mentioned. It's all serious. But this relationship and friendships issue is killing my mental health too. When did I become so ugly all of a sudden. I've been rejected by 900 girls, that doesn't happen if you're cute. You'd get a few girls. But I get 0. It shows that I'm not cute anymore. I feel conflicted. All that is putting me into a deep suicidal depression because of itself and all the extremely bad luck, bad health, freak accident-level type bullshit I'm going through. Nothing is normal. I have no one. No one talks to me. Like, not for real. I'm left ghosted. Girls leave me immediately. They only pity-add me on social media.

What is it about me physically now that makes me so atrocious that I didn't have just 3 years ago when so many girls hit on me. I remember working and all the girls wanted me. Some were open about it. I remember one, she was like, "look at his face, look at that beautiful face" and she'd say my GF was lucky. She'd be sweet to me. Cause I was pretty. Uh. Other girls would ask me if I had a brother because they wanted me but knew I had a GF and they couldn't. Customers would glare at me and girls would just say shit. Like, "mmm I like your beard" "it's so dark" and straight up tell me I'm hot.

There was such a big contrast from then to now. Like, how could I be hit on so much every where I went, and then suddenly in 3 years become so insanely ugly and atrocious that every single girl rejects me? Wtf?

I liked it better back then because I didn't have a lot of the health problems I have now. All I had back then was my irritation at my dick not fully getting hard, my issue with it's size, and the very real but bizarre condition in which sex and masturbation would cause break outs that in turn would leave permanent scars on my face. Hard to deal with, really hard, mentally, especially when you're just a 18 year old. But yeah. I mean I ain't counting my face being damaged via my condition, that's real too but, yeah. And I'm not counting my loose skin from fat loss, as well as not counting my depression. I was better off back then by a long shot. I've become awful now.

I wasn't really suicidal back then. But I am now. Hell I was even better at guitar back then but I can't muster up the will to play now and I'm losing my skill... But..

I'm so very unhappy. If maybe people still treated me kindly, lovingly, acceptingly, and thought I was cute as well as funny... Then it'd be much easier. I was funny too, I was fighting my depression. It was better back then.

Um

Wow yeah I can't believe I've got scars on my dick from a freak accident virus. Nor can I believe I've got hsv-1 out of nowhere. And I can't believe I keep getting sick over and over again. My chronic back pain is brutal too. My depression is worse. My life at home situation, financial situation is terrible too. All stability is gone.

I'm teetering

It's not looking good

I don't want this

Yo I'm still in shock that my dick is scarred, I'm shocked I got a virus there to begin with, and then shocked that a virus known to not scar ACTUALLY scarred my dick brutally. It makes me want to cry. I already did cry. But wow. This is all overkill. I'm cursed I swear.

I called out of work today. I'm still sick. I gave my shift to kassie. She's chill.

I um

I'm confused about what people see me as

I'm still acting like my goofy funny self. But

But no one is responding like they used to... I'm being rejected friendship as well as hookups. And I see my buddies getting hit on and laid constantly every week... So I'm the odd man out... I'm the ugly shit. And all the girls who rejected me. 900 isn't an exaggerating. That's literally how many girls rejected me in the past months. Hurt my ego. Whoever says I did it to myself is kind of ridiculous. I mean... You're not entirely wrong, but... Why the fuck would I stop hitting on girls if I haven't gotten one? Like, wtf, it's at 900 because I'm apparently UNLUCKY or ugly or BOTH. clearly it wouldn't be such a high number if I was actually cute and I'd be getting women like everyone else and therefore never bitching about being rejected. I'd not be saying my ego hurts and shit. What I'm saying is, is that it's not my fucking fault I got rejected that many times... Most guys aren't rejected that many times. It's not me hurting my own self by getting rejected so much because I keep hitting on girls. Why aren't we focused on what is actually wrong with me that's causing me to be rejected so much, cause that's not exactly normal. Instead of telling me to "just stop hitting on girls." Um yeah. Ok. And just be lonely while I watch all my friends fucking and getting into relationships and shit everyday as if I don't want the same things, and so you just want me to stop? It's annoying cause I actually did stop for a long time, half a year or more. But yeah. I don't know what is wrong.