#men are so heckin handsome i swear

[embracetheapocalypsewithme]

A Slippery Situation

This fic was borne out of a silly conversation with @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash on this post. I hope that I did the idea justice. :)

Summary: Negan eats some questionable soup while working late and encounters an alternate version of himself. This “Other Negan” may be a little older and shorter than him, but he might just have some things to teach Negan about oil wrestling and the love that a man can share for his ruggedly handsome TV clone. 

Word count: 4,301

Warnings: Smut, Negan, Negan being Negan, Comic Negan being Comic Negan, submission, domination, anal sex, unsafe sex, oral sex, semen, drugs, mention of incest, mention of masturbation, and oil wrestling! Enjoy!

A Slippery Situation

From the very first spoon-full, Negan knew that the soup tasted funny, but went right ahead with his meal anyway. Hell, most things that came in cans had started to taste funny as they exceeded their best before dates by months and years. Besides this, the Sanctuary’s cooking staff were notoriously terrible at their job, so everything that left their kitchen tended to taste a slightly “off” at best, and barely edible at worst.

“I’ve gotta find some new kitchen bitches like fucking yesterday,” he grumbled to no one in particular as he raised the spoon to his lips and grimaced at the slightly sour taste that invaded his mouth.

The soup was so bad that on another day he probably would have had one of his men bring it back to the kitchen and tear a strip off of whoever was in charge of that night’s meal, but he was far too busy for those kind of shenanigans today. He braved his way nearly to the end of the bowl, trying to fill his empty stomach with the disgusting liquid while actually tasting as little of it as he could manage. He mostly succeeded and only retched once near the end when the soup had begun to cool to room temperature and the taste could no longer be masked by its initial scalding temperatures.

“Fucking good for nothing, lazy asshole fucking, so called fucking cooks. Fuck, fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck!” he exhaled a long sigh of profanity after regaining control of his gag reflex, and pushed the nearly-empty bowl of soup away in disgust.

As he sat alone in his room, going over battle plans in preparation for another day of squabbling with Alexandria, he felt his mind wander back to the god-forsaken soup. Fucking Christ, how he wished he had time to personally march down to the kitchen and force-feed the cold leftovers of his meal to the first member of the staff he laid eyes upon. A tension headache began to gnaw into the centre of his forehead and he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, slamming his eyes shut.

“Oh fucking great! Just fucking marvelous! A fucking headache is all I need now…”

But it wasn’t just a headache that he was feeling. His stomach turned over and he felt another wave of nausea hit him as his vision began to dance slightly. Staggering to his feet, Negan shuffled toward one of the long, velvet couches that sat against the wall of his office. These were typically inhabited by a wife or two, but he had dismissed the women in order to focus on his work this evening, and was totally alone.

“Just need to lie down for a minute and let it pass. I’ll be right as fucking rain if I can close my eyes for a goddamn minute. Not like I have a fucking choice at this point.”

He let his large body drop into the couch dramatically and groaned in frustration at his plight. Of course he would get food poisoning the night before he had to deal with Rick the Prick and his merry band of dickwads. This did not bode well for them at all.

“Well, shit, you fucking pussy! Why don’t you just bash another one of their heads in and break his spirit a bit more. Get him back in line, man!”  

The voice that came from inside the room was deep and not entirely dissimilar to his own, but it had a strong southern drawl and was rougher around the edges. Negan’s deep brown eyes sprang open and he sat bolt upright, ready to confront the intruder.

His gaze fell to a man he knew he had never seen before, and yet he felt instantly familiar to Negan. This was because he was dressed in his characteristic uniform of green pants tucked into black boots, a white t-shirt with a leather jacket draped over it, all topped off with a bright red scarf around his neck. He was even carrying his beloved Lucille in his hands. The man was several inches shorter than Negan and much slimmer, but still managed to look imposing as he loomed over his current place on the couch.

“Good morning, sunshine!” the man drawled smoothly as a shark-like grin spread across his face, which was undeniably handsome and adorned with a fair amount of silver-tinged scruff. He leaned back at an angle that seemed just a little bit too extreme to be comfortable and slung the wooden symbol of the only bitch Negan had ever loved over his shoulder.

“You must have a fucking death wish, asshole!” Negan bellowed, springing to his feet, ready to follow the man’s advice and start cracking skulls at this disrespectful display, “What the fuck is this? Halloween for Doucehbags? Get my fucking jacket the fuck off of you and get the fuck on your knees! Now!”

“Oh, sweetheart, you know I can’t do that yet. Ya gotta buy me dinner first!” the man said, taking a step closer, “Besides, this ain’t your jacket, prick. Look down.”

Negan did as he commanded, against his better judgment, and was stunned to find that he was still wearing his leather jacket. In fact, he was wearing the exact same outfit as this man, right down to the biker gloves that partially covered his large hands. He gaped in confusion, at a momentary loss for words, before his head sprang back up to meet the other man’s hazel eyes.

“Alright, fucker, who put you up to this? Was it Dwight? Is this some kind of weird dominance display to retaliate for fucking Sherry? Because if it is, I’ll Freddy Kruger the other side of his ugly face!”

The slightly older man with the scruff scoffed at this, “Do you really think Dwighty-Boy has enough creativity to pull this shit off? Not heckin’ likely! I’m you, Negan.”

“What the ever-fucking-shit are you talking about? You’re not me. I’m me. The world can only handle one fucking Negan and I am it!” he bellowed at the man.

“Well, shit. Tell that to Scott Gimple,” the Other Negan said with a smirk.

“Scott who?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he replied dismissively, stepping uncomfortably close to his younger and taller counterpart, “Let’s just say that I’m an alternate version of you. I’m kinda like…what you would be if they made a TV show of your life.”

“Well, it’s fucking flattering that they think I’m so goddam handsome,” the larger, Original Negan said, inspecting the Other Negan’s face, “but I’m not nearly as old as you are, asshole.”

“That may be true, darlin’, but that just means I’ve got more experience,” the handsome TV Show Negan drawled, placing an arm around Original Negan.

Original Negan ducked out from under the arm, shaking his head, “If you’re me then why don’t you fucking swear. I swear all goddamn, motherfucking, cocksucking day! It’s kind of my thing.”

“Censorship,” TV Negan said simply, looking slightly annoyed, “Jesus, I wish I could swear like you. Might get rid of some of these anger management issues I seem to have. Maybe I’d stop having to bash in so many heads.”

“Nah, there’s sadly always some fucker who needs to be put in their place,” Original Negan sighed, “It’s unfortunate, but some pricks just deserve it.”

“Well, at least that’s one thing we can agree on. That, and the fact that I’m fucking handsome as shit!” TV Negan said, the grin returning.

“Uh, yeah. Ok. Fine, we can agree on that. I’m man enough to admit when I find another man attractive. Nothing fucking wrong with that…” he trailed off in thought for a moment and then came back to himself, “How-fucking-ever, I am going to need you to return my lady-friend you have there. I don’t like other fuckers touching her, even if they do look a bit like me.”

“I’m afraid that I just cannot do that, sweetheart. This Lucille is mine, and I am not letting her go for anyone.”

“Well, it looks like we’re at a fucking impasse here because if you don’t return Lucille this fucking instant, I’m gonna have to kick your ass, and I’d rather not do that tonight. Got shit to do. You know how it is,” Original Negan said as a cold look spread across his eyes.

“Rick the Prick being an asshole again?” TV Negan asked with a twinge of sympathy.

“You fucking know it. God! He’s such a fucking dick sometimes!”

“He does suck ass. A whole lot of ass.”

“Fuckin’ A!” chuckled Original Negan, “You’re alright in my books if you hate Rick, but the fact still remains that I’m about ten seconds away from stabbing you in the gut and taking Lucille back by force if you don’t hand her over.”

The shorter man held up is free hand in a placating gesture, “Calm down, ya big asshole! I think there’s another way to go about settling this.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Original Negan asked, skepticism creeping into his tone.

“I’ll wrestle you for her,” TV Negan replied, his expression grave, “Whoever wins gets to keep the fair lady, Lucille. How about it?”

Original Negan stroked his smooth chin with two gloved fingers, considering the other man’s proposition for a moment, “Yeah…Ok! You got yourself a deal. Hell, I’ve got at least a few inches and more than a few pounds of muscle over you. This ain’t gonna be much of a fucking challenge!”

“Plot twist!” TV Negan exclaimed as he stripped off his leather jacket and tossed it aside, “This isn’t just any kind of regular wrestling, you know. That’d be too easy. This has to be oil wrestling, just to even the playing field.”

“Are you fucking shitting me right now?”

“Do you want the chance to win Lucille back or not, asshole?”

Original Negan shook his head slowly, “I can’t believe I’m actually gonna do this…” he mumbled as he pulled off his own jacket and tossed it  into the couch, followed shortly thereafter by his t-shirt and pants, “I’m not ruining perfectly good clothes just because you got it in your head that getting all greased up gives you an advantage. I suggest you follow suit and we do this in our fucking undies.”

“Whatever you say, big boy, only there’s a bit of a problem with that plan,” TV Negan said as he unbuckled his belt and tugged his zipper open.

“And what exactly is th-“ Original Negan’s words cut off abruptly as he quickly discovered the issue for himself.

“I’m not so much a fan of underwear, ya see,” TV Negan said with a grin that contained not even a trace of bashfulness.

Original Negan stared blankly at the other man’s naked form, taking it all in before stripping off his own underwear and squaring up to his opponent.

“Ok, so where’s this fucking oil then?” he asked.

“Behind you,” TV Negan said matter-of-factly.

Original Negan turned to see a large bottle of baby oil sitting on the end table beside the couch, its powder pink label blaring out at him. He reached for it and grasped it in his hand, turning it over hesitantly before flipping open the cap with a shrug and pouring a generous amount of the viscous liquid over his chest and arms.

After passing the bottle to TV Negan, who followed suit, he began to lather the oil across his upper body, eventually trailing his rough hands down to his thighs and calves. He took in the sight of his muscles glistening in the light, the oil highlighting every curve, and then raised his eyes to look at the other man just in time to watch him finish applying the oil to his own body.

Somehow, looking at the attractive older man naked and covered in oil caused an unexpected flood of arousal to take root in his stomach, and Original Negan felt his cock twitch to life ever so slightly. Hoping that TV Negan hadn’t noticed, he shook off the feeling as best he could and readied himself for the fight.

“Ready for me, big boy?” TV Negan inquired, licking his lips slightly and looking Original Negan up and down. Shit! Had he noticed after all?

“You fucking know I am, asshole. The question is: are you ready for all of this?” he responded, gesturing to his large frame.

Without saying a word, TV Negan lunged for him, tackling him to the floor and straddling him before pinning his hands down next to his head. Caught off guard for a moment, Original Negan stared up at the man in a daze, wondering how someone smaller than him had managed to knock him on his ass so quickly.

After he regained his composure Original Negan used his legs to flip the man off of him, causing him to land with a thud on the floor to his left. Before TV Negan could get up, Original Negan had climbed on top of him and used his knees to pin the other man’s hands by his side.

“Well, shit! You’re pretty fast for such a big guy!” TV Negan’s gaze drifted down Original Negan’s body, landing firmly and obviously at the man’s crotch, “And I do mean big! Holy shit, man! You appear to be a grow’er, not a show’er,” he said with a wink.

“What are you-“ Original Negan looked down at himself, flustered by TV Negan’s accusation,  only to find that the part of his body he affectionately called Lucille Two had betrayed him again and was standing firmly erect, pressed fast against his lower stomach. In the heat of the moment, he hadn’t even noticed.

TV Negan used this temporary distraction to break free, his slick body pressing into Original Negan’s as he escaped his grasp, sending the larger man scurrying forward in an attempt to re-capture his opponent. Original Negan’s oil-soaked hands slid out from under him on the wooden floor, causing him to sprawl forward and his chin to connect with the hard surface with a thud as he crashed down.

“Ha! Made you look, shit head!” TV Negan called out from behind him. Fuck was he ever fast!

Before he could get back on his feet, Original Negan felt the other man land on top of him from behind. His chest pressed into his back as he threw his whole weight into Original Negan, ensuring that he would stay on the floor.

“So, I take it you like what you see, huh?” TV Negan practically purred into his ear, his mouth was less than an inch away and his silver-streaked stubble brushed against Original Negan’s smooth cheek, “You might try to cover up your…tendencies…behind that harem of wives we’ve got going on, but your dick ain’t doing such a good job of keeping up appearances, Neegs.”

Original Negan felt his hips buck almost involuntarily as another wave of arousal hit him at the older man’s words, and his ass connected firmly with something hard yet soft behind him. TV Negan’s cock dug into him from behind as the he ground his hardened member against Original Negan.

“Heh. That’s what I thought. You like this, don’t you?” TV Negan inquired.

“Fuck you, douchebag!” Original Negan boomed from below, his face still pressed against the cold wooden floor as TV Negan continued to pin him down. He tried to sound furious, but his voice wavered. He knew the truth, just as TV Negan did, that he was in fact very into this.

“That’s the idea, dollface,” TV Negan replied in a low tone.

With that, TV Negan lessened the pressure against Original Negan just long enough for him to roll over before straddling him again, this time higher up on the large man’s muscular chest, which brought his sizeable cock within inches of Original Negan’s mouth.

“You sure do have a pretty mouth, you know,” TV Negan beamed down at him from above, “It’d be a shame if we didn’t find out how it feels wrapped around my dick, now wouldn’t it?”

“I-uh…what the fuck?” Original Negan felt his eyes go wide as his face grew hot with embarrassment, a sensation he had not felt in ages.

There wasn’t much that could embarrass the boisterous man, and yet the sight of TV Negan straddling him and offering him his cock was almost too much for Original Negan. Oh sure, he had done some same-sex experimentation in college. Lord knew that the long nights on the road with his table tennis team had led to some pretty wild shenanigans, which often devolved into homoerotic romps with some of the other men.

Original Negan hadn’t ever really thought hard about his sexuality or put a label on himself. His motto had always been “If it feels good, do it!” So why was he balking at the chance to literally go fuck himself now? Or, at least to fuck an alternate version of himself.

With these thoughts racing through him mind, Original Negan locked eyes with the man on top of him and raised his head off of the ground far enough so that his mouth hung just in front of the head of TV Negan’s cock. Without breaking eye contact, he trailed his tongue over the slit, flicking it up quickly at the end. He felt a shudder of pleasure radiate from TV Negan as a small moan, almost too faint to hear, escaped the man’s lips.

“Mmm. Good boy. I knew you would find a way to put that mouth to use.”

TV Negan lessened his grip on Original Negan just enough for him to free himself. Once his large arms were able to move, his first instinct was to flip the older man to the ground and fuck his shit up royally for pinning him down like that. Instead the lust won over, and he grabbed the other man’s ass firmly and forced his cock closer to him so that he could fully insert it into his mouth.

The sensation of TV Negan’s thick cock filling his mouth caused another wave of lust to hit him and a slight whimper made his throat vibrate against it. TV Negan must have enjoyed this because his rough hands quickly found their way into Original Negan’s thick, dark hair where they grabbed on tight and forced his mouth even further down the shaft.

A sigh of contentment left TV Negan, “Mmmm…Now how did I know you’d be so good at this? Must be that slutty, filthy mouth of yours? Hmm?”

Original Negan continued to suck the other man’s cock vigorously, taking him all the way into his throat, but his rhythm was broken by a sharp tug on his hair that forced his face to look up at the man who was still perched above him, “Answer me when I’m speaking to you!” TV Negan warned, slowly extracting himself from Original Negan’s mouth with a pop.

“Yes!” Original Negan answered.

“’Yes!’ what?” TV Negan asked.

“Fuck yes, my filthy mouth is great at sucking cock. Now, can I get back to it?” he replied, more than a little bit annoyed.

“Oh, I don’t think so, darlin’,” TV Negan grinned down at him, “I think I’m good and warmed up now, and I want at that ass of yours. Is that gonna be a problem for you?”

Original Negan considered TV Negan’s proposition for a brief moment before giving his answer in a low growl, “Fuck no, it’s not. Let’s fucking do this.”

“Good!” TV Negan said simply, standing. Original Negan relished the sight of the man looming over him, his cock bobbing just above him, glistening with his saliva. TV Negan’s eyes darkened as he regarded Original Negan, who was still sprawled on the floor below, ”Get on the couch and get that cute, little ass in the air for me then.”

Original Negan did as he was told, placing his knees on the cushions and gripping the back of the couch. Within only seconds he felt TV Negan take his place behind him, his body radiating heat against him and the hair of his happy trail brushing across his ass slightly as he lined himself up with Original Negan’s opening.

“Now, normally I’d use some lube, but…extenuating circumstances seem to have left us fresh out of such luxuries…so I guess I’ll just have to improvise!” TV Negan said gleefully. Original Negan heard the unmistakable sound of TV Negan spitting into his hand, and only a few seconds later he felt the man’s hard, slick member pushing against him from behind. A sharp gasp of pain caused him to jerk forward as TV Negan’s tip trespassed his tight hole, and suddenly the man’s hands were on his hips, pulling him closer.

“Ah! Fucking fuck! Be gentle, asshole!” Original Negan growled in anger.

“I’m sorry, baby doll. I’ll go easy on ya. Just relax,” TV Negan cooed.

Original Negan took a deep breath and allowed his muscles to relax a bit as the other man pushed himself further inside. Now fully buried in Original Negan’s ass, TV Negan began to thrust into him slowly but firmly, his fingers digging deeper into the skin of Original Negan’s hips. Original Negan moaned deeper, letting the initial discomfort melt into pleasure as TV Negan quickened his pace.

“I knew you were gonna like this! What a filthy, little slut you are – just letting me waltz in here and fuck you right away,” TV Negan punctuated this with a playful slap to Original Negan’s ass.

Original Negan moaned deeper, feeling his cock dripping with arousal, desperately needing release. As if he was able to read the large man’s mind, TV Negan grabbed a handful of his hair with one hand and pulled him backward far enough to force him into an upright position. With one arm across Original Negan’s chest, TV Negan slipped his hand down to grab the other man’s cock, never slowing his pace as he fucked the younger man from behind.

“Oh fuck, that’s perfect! Keep fucking me and make me cum!” Original Negan moaned, lying back against TV Negan’s chest as the man pumped his cock expertly.

Shudder after shudder of pleasure coursed through Original Negan’s body at the feeling of his cock being milked while his ass was being fucked relentlessly by TV Negan. He knew that he was close to orgasm as his large thighs began to shake uncontrollably with each pump. His breath hitched in his throat and his eyes shut tightly while a low growl left his mouth.

“That’s right, baby. I know you want to, so why don’t you just cum for me?” TV Negan whispered in his ear.

The feeling of the other man’s breath against his cheek was just the sensation that Original Negan needed to push him over the edge. In a flurry of curses that would make a sailor blush, he released himself all over his lower stomach and TV Negan’s hands, the streams of fluid pooling into the fabric of the couch.

Once the last few aftershocks of orgasm had subsided, he felt TV Negan slowly pull himself out of his ass as he simultaneously pushed Original Negan back down into the couch so that his ass was in the air. Seconds later, Original Negan felt TV Negan’s copious, warm release hit is ass and upper back as the man came against him, his breath erratic and labored.

“Oh fuck that was good!” TV Negan allowed himself to slump against Original Negan, still breathing heavily, “You have such a nice, tight ass. I couldn’t help myself. Had to mark my territory. Now everyone will know that I screwed you raw.”

“Mmmm. You know what? I think I’m fucking ok with that. Quel fucking surprise,” Original Negan admitted.

It was at this point that some of the Saviors burst into his office, but Original Negan was too far gone to notice them. They had been sent on an urgent mission to notify him that the cooks had added a special ingredient to the soup that evening: wild mushrooms. Unfortunately, the person who had found the mushrooms growing in a field that morning was not a very adept mycologist, and had mistaken psychedelic mushrooms for edible ones. In doing so, roughly half of the Sanctuary’s residents had been accidently dosed and were tripping balls. Evidently, this number included Negan.

They found Negan alone and naked, slumped against the back of his couch, and completely covered in baby oil and his own semen. As they toweled him off, throwing subtlety amused glances at one another, they caught a few words from the dazed man about “alternate time lines” and a “sexy, fucking old dude” who “needed to shave that shit”.

At one moment, Negan locked eyes with a young man in a moment of apparent clarity, “Hey! You! Riddle me fucking this: If you fuck your clone, is it masturbation or incest?”

The young Savior’s eyes widened momentarily, preparing to answer one of the most important philosophical questions of the post-Apocalypse, but one of his comrades managed to quiet Negan down first, and he was spared that pleasure.

After finally getting Negan to lay peacefully on his couch and covering him with a blanket, the Saviors who found him vowed to one another to never speak of the “magic mushroom incident” to anyone for fear of Negan’s wrath. The next morning, their leader woke up with a splitting headache and vague memories of some very sexual, homoerotic dreams involving a man with a greying beard and dimples for days. He smiled to himself over coffee with his wives, deciding to keep the dreams to himself as future spank-bank material.