#mehhhh its better than monday's

[kitconnor]

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[alittlebitofeverythingg-blog]

stablity

i really don’t handle stress well. i mean, i think i got the hang of it much better than before now but it’s still a struggle. who doesn’t struggle while dealing with stress anyway, right? i forgot it makes things harder when you’re struggling with mental health as well. fucking anxiety always stir things up. 

last week was the peak week of semester and i would say i handle pretty good because i was able to complete 3 assignments way before the due date. but i also have dead lines the coming week which was on monday & tuesday. monday was like the major one, one that always drain me because it involves a lot of reading and i don’t know why it just kinda mehhhh whenever it has to do with that subject. it’s research, so like, yeah. but because of that, i think somehow there was still pressure that exist and if anything comes in my life at that moment, i would just lose it. and that exactly happened. 

i lost it. i broke down, hard. after keeping my feelings all in me and please don’t ask me why i have a bit of processing things slow but i just do. “are you okay?” “yeah, i’m okay.” and next thing i knew, few hours later, i will fucking tear the fuck down. i’m not guilty of it, though. usually when shit like this happens, its all accumulated emotions that i did, unconsciously and if my emotions are expressing through me right at that moment, i would just take the opportunity to let it all out. i learn this was the only way i could let things go. 

after that, i kept myself busy with deadlines and basically took some time out for myself, spending time alone, doing things that calms me down. i realize, i’ve been having mini anxiety attacks but i’ve been able to handle it much better. the way i see it was there’s 2 parts of me: i) anxiety  ii) fuck off, you  and i’m so happy so far i’m able to calm myself down with ii) . like just few hours ago, i have this presentation thing going on and i just sat for few minutes trying to breathe when i was actually excited to present what i have or know to my lecturer. i could feel my heart was pounding, i saw it too. and then when i started speaking, everything just started flowing and it went well. even though my score was not close to perfect but it was a score that i take pride of. i really do love what i’m learning. i enjoy it so so much but there are times it just frustrates the heck out of me. 

i also had a dream. a dream of being comfort by someone. i fell asleep right in front of this person and for some reason, he just started hugging me and it felt so real that i felt as though i’m cheating. i thought about it, the hecking dream and i think i just really miss being comfort by someone i could lean on to whenever i need to. i know i’m independent but we’re fucking humans for goddamn sick and we survive through fucking communication and fucking Maslow’s hierarchy of need where there’s always wanting to sense of belongingness. i dont crave to belong but i crave to be love and care too. 

i’ve been thinking about my yoga and fitness journey. how i feel stagnant about it and even though i knew i took some time off mainly because of wanting to heal my body and physically, i realize, the growth i was craving for was movement. I WANT GROWTH IN MY MOVEMENT. my body is screaming for it. i want to be inspired by my teachers again through their practice and the flow. i want to move and be inspired and motivated. i love being home early but goddamn it, i crave for movement too.

a list of things i need to do (or plan to): 

reading // listening to podcast // attending yoga classes, especially from new teachers // journaling 

my soul craves for the ocean.