#megan's occasional depression post comes back with a vengeance!

[hihoneyimdead]

Storytime because I’m procrastinating writing fic yet again!

Under the read-more because this is kinda more rambling about toxic internet bullshit (sorry if you’re on mobile or whatever)

So I only got into po/yg0n in April of last year because a then-friend told me, hey, these two dudes are in a relationship!

And I was like :0 and immediately latched on

Cue like two days of watching gng and realizing, wait, no

Huh

Wait a minute

This ain’t. The hell?

So I was like “Hey what the fuck Jimothy”

And Jimothy was like “Oh yeah I meant sarcastically man”

And my autism-having ass was like “Ah so I was a dumbass!”

And Jimothy was like “Yeah man but imagine-”

And so I got roped into writing fic. At first I was like yeah sure. Then, later on, I was like. Wait a damn minute-

Meanwhile, I got detached from previous internet friends, as is what happens with hyperfixations. So I haven’t spoken to any of them in like a year, which sucks, but that’s whatever. And these new fandom friends were like. Very sex-driven, which is fine if you’re like that! I may be ace, but I’m not an ass. 

Until they got into Gross Shit. Which is about when I met a new internet friend, who scared the ever-loving shit out of me. They’re a punk, told me I couldn’t be punk. Even though punk, tbh, just means that you’re badass as hell. And I’m badass despite not listening to punk bands and looking absolutely terrifying. I’m soft. I’m a soft punk. I protest via emails to senators and by not burning down fucking buildings (and that shit’s fine if it’s very much deserved.)

Their friend group terrified me, but this person gave me praise for a fic I got roped into writing. Which is 50k and is not good at all and the only reason I haven’t taken it off my ao3 yet is cause I’m still somehow proud of it. So I was like. Bffs. 

So I dumped that original friend and joined up with this new group (we were drifting apart anyway). Meanwhile, those sexual bros of mine were getting gross and tearing me apart for saying that porn should be in its own place and not in the general public. Which, admittedly, was kinda a dick move on my part. I didn’t consider their side of the situation at the time. But that punk friend and their friends backed me up and told me I did nothing wrong.

So I then lost the friends I had made during that fandom phase. 

But I still had the punk friends! Which, admittedly, were punk friend, punk friend’s friend, and a friend who I’m still on good terms with. I was fucking miserable. Like, there had gone most of my friends for half a fucking year and almost my entire support network. 

And then, slowly, I dropped the fandom. The content wasn’t exciting and it just brought up bad memories. I stopped writing for it, thankfully, because like. That stuff can be toxic. 

So I was adrift for a good moment, depressed, and then that one new friend told me to listen to a certain british horror podcast, and I realized. Huh. I fucking love podcasts, and especially this one. 

Y’all know this podcast by now, it’s certainly blown up enough, and it’s badass as hell and I will never shut up about it.

After finishing that podcast, I started another, and then I deleted my po/yg0n blog and my old r0o$ter t33tH one and my old bfu one. And then tumblr brought up that weird groupchat thing and I joined the first tma one I found and met a whole new group of friends!

So I dumped punk friend and punk friend’s friend, got vagueposted about (yeah, I’m a fucking hypocrite, I did it to them too). Blocked punk friend on everything, left the discord servers I was too scared to leave, and finally stopped seeing everything so negatively, just for a while. 

I haven’t been in healthy online friendships in, like, ever. I joined too young. 2018, the sp7 friends I had all dumped me for something toxic someone else did. 2019, I dumped an rp friend, then I dumped the other rp friend (who was my only friend for a good bit). I dumped an entire fandom that used to bring me joy (tbh i couldn’t even watch pat streams by the end and anyone who’s been following me for a while really knows i have an undying internet crush on that man despite him being like human ginger beer). 

And then I made new friends, and, yeah, it’s fucking hard sometimes. I feel bad about dumping a lot of relationships since April because punk friend told me they were toxic even though, looking back on it, they were just fine! They were toxic to that person, not to me and my friends/so (to my ex: i’m sorry, if you see this, which you won’t, but i’m so sorry and i’m glad you’re having a good time at college). But I have new friends! I have great rl friends, I’m in a motw campaign with some of these new internet friends, and I can be creative again! I have so many ocs now! Someone, if you see this, ask about my tma avatar-sonas! They’re all great and I love them!

This is all to say:

I’m procrastinating writing fluff for a podcast fandom, I’m planning on deleting my po/yg0n fics off ao3 (or orphaning them), I’m kinda happy for the first time in a while. Sure I got a bit of an eating disorder last semester, but I’m in counseling. I have an original novel concept I’m slowly working on. I’m in two tabletop games, and I’m loving it! Punk friend and punk friend’s friends, if you see this and are like >:( stop vagueing our friend/me!

Well

Sorry my dudes, stop being fucking buzzkills and let me be a soft bitch that cries over the mechs and gets sad when anyone thinks about being mean to me

Also live your lives and stop being petty