#me: but ur right she’s so pretty (just……soprettylikehaveyouseenher???) i MUST be jealous of her (god I’m a terrible friend who would do this
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I can’t even talk I have a Best Friend I’m in Love With™ voice and only recently did I become consciously aware of it
#do we know that Mike is conscious he has a will voice#I seriously don’t remember#I became aware of mine when I realized how I talk to her differently than my friends#and also just the nights I would spend obsessively thinking about her like (this isn’t normal it’s not normal to think about some this much)#dear reader this is what is commonly referred to as a crush#but I was convinced I was actually secretly jealous of her for *garbage disposal levels of incoherent* reason#actual thought process goes as follows:#brain: u think about her so much u must be jealous of her#me: yeah i guess I must be#but why am I jealous of her I really like her#brain: because she’s prettier than you and that means guys like her more#me: right right I’m following#so I want guys to like me! I want to be liked by guys#brain: wait what Ew no. can you imagine how much work that would be to get them to stop that would be INSANITY to wish that on urself#me: but ur right she’s so pretty (just……soprettylikehaveyouseenher???) i MUST be jealous of her (god I’m a terrible friend who would do this#to someone they supposedly cared enough about to be such close friends with. wtf im so evil)#brain: ur right. ur a terrible person and a terrible friend but if you tell her any of this she’ll think you’re a freak and then you’ll lose#her for real and she’ll probably be fine with it while you’ll be devastated#anyways (: it’s time to wake up sweetie (: /fin#look who’s oversharing in the tags again#personal posting#it’s really so funny how I can just recite this thought process almost automatically#it would happen ALL the time#anyways Ofc the real tea is I was actually jealous of her bfs/ guys who could confidently say they were attracted to her without shame and#the urge to fling themselves off the Brooklyn bridge#like it was so common for guys to be attracted to her it was just a given (to both of them tbh) and I went insane bcus I thought I was evil#when really I was just constantly enamored and going wow she’s so fucking hot#mind you this was happening pre 2015 so things were getting better but still not great (not gonna get into how things are now) but#let’s just say it was a joke that I was a lesbian before I ever ID’d for a reason and the joke was bcus lesbians are hot bcus men say so#anyways fuck high school fuck white cisheteropatriarchy and fucj internalized lesbo/homophobia. Godspeed and goodnight
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