#me when i vent to my friends about asoiaf like how has this become the only thing i think about

[pickalilywrites]

Can I get some wholesome Jeankasa? Any au is fine. I just need more of these cuties.

gotta write them into my GoT au somehow!

A Shining Knight

Jeankasa. ASOIAF AU. 

2262 words. 

Buy me a ko-fi!

It takes years to become a knight. Jean knows this more than anyone. He served as a page in his youth, and he’s still serving his time as a squire. His master works for the Royal House Tybur, although the knight has yet to be bestowed with the honor of becoming a part of the Kingsguard. It was unlikely that his master ever would. Only a few knights were trusted enough to become a part of the Kingsguard, and one spot has been reserved for one person in particular even though she has yet to be knighted.

“Mikasa Ackerman,” a voice behind Jean spits. It’s not uncommon to have the name said with such disgust, although most people don’t speak as loudly as the boy behind Jean does. When he glances behind him, he sees that it’s a boy that’s a year or two older than him, but the boy speaks as though he’s been serving at the castle for years. “I don’t see how anyone could possibly climb the ranks so quickly, and a girl at that. She must have done something to have people favor her so much.”

“Well, she does have the Ackerman name,” another boy says, his voice much quieter than his companion. He’s another boy who works at the castle, although Jean recognizes that the both of them are newly appointed squires despite their age. It makes Jean wonder how they have the audacity to speak so disapprovingly of a person when it’s unlikely that either of them have ever held a sword or put on armor. “They might not have much wealth or land, but they are highly respected because of their history of serving the King. Most people from House Ackerman end up serving the King in some way. Many of them even become knights and eventually serve on the Kingsguard.”

“That may be true, but even a woman?” the first speaker asks incredulously. He reaches up to ruffle the messy brown curls on his head. “Even if she has inherited some skills from her family, I doubt they would be enough to allow her to be invited to the Kingsguard so early. Usually knights serve for years before being allowed the Kingsguard, but there are rumors that she’ll be put on the Kingsguard as soon as she’s knighted. Don’t you think there’s something strange about that?”

Hearing such talk makes the back of Jean’s neck burn. Although he would hardly consider himself a friend of Mikasa Ackerman, he’s been acquainted with her for years because both of their masters serve in the castle. They had gotten off on the wrong foot, but he’s come to know that she is an honorable squire, and that she will become an even more honorable knight. If there is anyone who deserves to serve on the Kingsguard, it is her.

“Well, it is a bit strange,” the boy’s companion admits. “But the Royal Family does favor her. Perhaps she does deserve a position on the Kingsguard.”

“No, no, no,” the boy says, shaking his head. He leans over, lowering his voice but only a bit, and whispers with a wicked smile, “Don’t you think that the Royal Family favors her a bit too much? There’s no reason to spoil a squire as much as they do her, but I heard that she gets invited to the balls and dinners that the Tyburs hold despite not being a knight yet.”

His friend squirms in his seat, not quite liking where this is going but too intrigued to tell his friend to stop. “I suppose that is a bit strange…”

“And she’s quite close with the members as well,” the boy continues eagerly, not noticing that Jean has turned his head to the chattering boys and is now glaring at them with a deadly fire in his eyes. “They call her by name, isn’t that strange? King William seems especially taken to her. Apparently, they’ve been close ever since she had first been brought to the castle, even before King William ascended the throne. I wouldn’t be surprised if she were relieved of her duties as a knight as soon as he ascends the throne and made a lady. It’s a wonder that they just don’t make her a lady right now, or perhaps there’s something thrilling in a forbidden romance.” The boy laughs as if this frivolous gossip is somehow amusing.

“I see,” his friend murmurs as if this all makes sense. Is it that difficult to think that a woman possesses more talent than they ever will? Ah, listening to this senseless gossip is beginning to make Jean’s blood boil. “She is quite pretty, although women like her should never put on armor. It’s unsightly.”

“She’d probably look even more ridiculous in a dress. Not at all slender and fair like Princess Edith was,” the boy says even though hardly anyone mentions the name of the exiled princess in this castle. Perhaps he has had too much wine or maybe he’s never had any brains to start with because his words only get worse after this. “Ladies should be like Princess Edith or the Queen Mother, shouldn’t they? Or else they turn into the bad sort, sleeping around the castle. With people like her around, this castle may as well just turn into a brothel.”

“It is a pity,” his friend agrees after a bit. “Girls like Mikasa need to learn how to behave.”

“That’s right, that’s right!” the other boy says, nodding up and down. “She should be put in her place before she starts taking advantage of people in the castle.”

“Shouldn’t you think about your own place before you start deciding where others belong?” Jean’s voice is so loud in the dining area that it startles even him. He hadn’t known that he was capable of harboring so much fury. He’s gotten angry before, yes, but nothing to this degree. Before he knows it, he’s standing up and facing the two squires, who are looking up at him in surprise. “What gives you the right to judge her? She’s far more talented than you give her credit for. Is it that you two are so incompetent and insecure that you feel the need to talk poorly about her in order to feel better about yourselves?”

The first boy turns red, embarrassed to be insulted so rudely by someone younger than him. He pushes his chair back, the wooden legs scraping against the stone floors. Angrily, he turns to Jean, grabbing him by the collar and spitting, “What is this? Are you perhaps another poor fool that that wench has seduced?”

Not one to be easily intimidated, Jean grabs the boy by his thick, curly locks and yanks his head back. “Everything Mikasa has ever gotten, she has gotten on her own. She doesn’t need to trick anyone for anything,” Jean snarls. He pulls back his hand and balls it into a fist, hitting the boy across the face with a loud crack.

Jean will admit that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. If he were, he would not have felt compelled to fight two lowly squires over foolish gossip. Unfortunately, he is exactly that stupid, which is how he ends up getting held back and kicked over and over again in the stomach. Although he’s had far more combat training than most other squires his age, he cannot win a duel of numbers. Still, he does not regret his actions, feeling a sense of pride over that one lone punch he was able to throw even as his body is being brutally kicked.

The boys, of course, feel no remorse for their words. They only see a younger squire meddling with their conversation. Of course, that boy must be taught a lesson. Like the girl they had been so cruelly discussing, this boy must also be put in his place. It doesn’t matter that the way they do it is dishonorable - teaming up on a boy that is younger than them - but they see nothing wrong with that. They only want someone to push their frustrations onto, and Jean had conveniently volunteered himself with his outburst. Unfortunately, they are so preoccupied with venting their frustrations that they don’t notice the girl behind them.

Jean had been knocked nearly unconscious by that point, so he cannot completely recall what happened that time. All he can remember is that the boys were startled at someone else’s appearance. The last thing he recalls is his head hitting the floor as the two squires scrambled to escape. The other bits and pieces are what he collects from people afterward - that Mikasa had arrived and had knocked out the other boys senseless. He doesn’t have to have seen any of that to believe that it happened. He knows far too well what Mikasa is capable of.

When he finally awakens, he finds himself in the infirmary with a wet cloth pressed to his forehead. He turns slightly to see Mikasa beside him, dabbing gently at the wound on his head where he had hit the floor. She smiles at him gently and presses him back against the bed.

“You got into a fight,” she tells him.

He blinks at her, the only person who could have saved him. “So did you,” he says, “but you don’t seem to have a scratch on you.” His tone is a little jealous, but it’s tinged with admiration. That’s often the tone he takes when he speaks about her.

Mikasa shrugs. “You did most of the work.”

He knows for a fact that he didn’t, but he knows Mikasa will never admit to saving him. She’s never been one to brag about her accomplishments. Ah, but that’s just another one of the many things he admires about her.

After she’s satisfied with his wound, she places the rag she was using in a nearby basin. She looks at him, her gray eyes studying Jean carefully. “It was my fault that you got into that fight anyway,” she tells him.

“That’s not true,” Jean says. He tries to sit up, but a sharp, stabbing pain makes him clutch at his ribs. After he’s managed to catch his breath, he repeats, “I just … couldn’t stand what they were saying about you. But it’s not as if you need anyone to fight for your honor. I did it because it pissed me off. That’s all.”

“You needn’t mind what they say about me, Jean,” she says. She picks at an invisible thread on her trousers, a somber expression on her face. “I know what they say about me. It doesn’t bother me one bit.”

“But it bothers me,” Jean snaps. Realizing that his tone is too harsh, he looks down at his lap and mumbles an apology. He shouldn’t be taking out his frustration on her. That would make him a hypocrite. He sighs, rubbing his face with a hand. “It’s not that I did it to protect you. I did it because … the words they said reminded me of things I used to say about you.” He hangs his head as he says this, but Mikasa is smiling.

“Is that so?” she asks. “But that was so long ago. We were practically children.”

It may have happened years ago, but Jean still remembers it as if it had happened yesterday. He was young - hardly even twelve years of age - and he was fuming because Mikasa was being appointed to squire even though she had only served as a page for three years. He had observed her over the years and knew she was talented and hardworking, but he couldn’t believe that she would be so talented as to become a squire in such a short amount of time. He was convinced that there was something else at play - favoritism because she hailed from House Ackerman, her special relationship with the Royal Family, her master going easy on her because she was a girl. Infuriated, he had confronted her, demanding that she prove herself by dueling him in a sword fight. It hadn’t even taken her five minutes to have him pinned to the ground, the heel of her boot digging into his chest and the tip of her sword pointed at his neck. He knew how much of a fool he had been as soon as she disarmed him, and he still regrets doubting her abilities.

“I was flattered thinking you fought them to defend my honor,” Mikasa says, interrupting Jean’s thoughts. “It felt a bit like I had my own shining knight, but perhaps I’m thinking too much of myself.”

Her words surprise him, although he’s not sure why. Perhaps it’s because it has never occurred to him that Mikasa would have such thoughts. He had assumed that she was too invested in her goals - working at the castle, becoming a knight, protecting the Royal Family - to think about such things, but maybe he had been wrong in that assumption just like he had been wrong to assume all those things he had thought about her so many years ago. She is a lot of things - strong, resilient, a knight-to-be - but she is also a girl, Jean remembers. It makes him want to protect her even more.

She is not wrong in thinking that he had fought those squires off for her. That had definitely been part of the reason after all, but he doubts that he can become any sort of knight to her. He doesn’t deserve that honor.

[killthebxy-archive]

hey fil. first i wanted to say i truly appreciate your spirit of positivity & kindness in the game of thrones community. i know you’ve helped so many people through your words of encouragement and your listening ear. while i’m no longer in the got community, i thought i’d point out that some may take to heart you saying people who deem that community problematic as ‘knowing nothing’. i was there, and i know how bad it got for me, to the point i had to leave for my own mental health. it’s frankly hurtful to be invalidated in this way.  it is lovely that you’ve had a good experience, but not all can say the same. to hold your experience higher than others, to the point you would say people with bad experiences know nothing, is an egoic way to approach a community at large. people like me, who have been hurt & burned by other got roleplayers, deserve respect and understanding, not to be told we know nothing. i just think it’s important to see both sides. please don’t take this as hate. i think you’re a great person, but i wanted to share my thoughts. 

          hey friend! first, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, for doing so in such a respectful manner, and for your kind words. and i’m sorry that your experience in the fandom wasn’t good, especially if it got to such a point that you felt the need to leave in order to be comfortable again. 

          when i mentioned in that one post “tell them that they know nothing”, i by no means intended for it to be demeaning or to minimize experiences that were different from mine --- my intention was for it to be a joke, associated with how often this is told to Jon. however, i thank you for bringing this to my attention and for pointing out that, even though my intention was harmless, it is absolutely reasonable and legitimate that other people may not interpret it in the same way --- and, if by doing so i accidentally made you upset or made you feel invalidated, please accept my sincere apologies.

          the same thing if i somehow gave you the vibe that, just because my personal experience was/is good, this has to be the norm and other people who may, unfortunately, have had it differently, are wrong or did something wrong. we are all different and we all live through things differently, and a good experience does not invalidate a bad one the same way a bad one does not invalidate the good one. again, my intention was never to claim that i’m somehow superior and that my experience is THE experience --- and, again, if my choice of words made you feel invalidated, friend, you have my apologies once more. words are a tricky thing, especially words in written text that carry no emotion attached and it’s hard(er) to tell the other person’s meaning or intention. this is why i want to make clear what mine were. my good experience, or anyone else’s, does NOT invalidate yours. it does NOT change the fact that you were hurt by whatever happen at the time, it does NOT mean you had no right to feel like the fandom was a negative space and that you were better off away from it.

          the main point underlying that post, other than a random appreciation post for my ASOIAF followers, was to oppose the idea that our fandom (or any other fandom) is inherently bad or problematic or toxic --- a fandom is what the people who are part of it make of it. there will always be “good” people, there will always be “bad” people, there will always be people who are in between and don’t take part in the so-called drama or the so-called positivity. and that’s how things work, that’s normal. but, the same way you tell me i shouldn’t generalize a good experience over to a complete fandom (in which you are absolutely right, and, once more, thank you so much for having this talk with me), my post was born from the opposite reason --- because we also shouldn’t generalize a bad experience over to a complete fandom. and that’s what happens more often. you see some sort of issue caused by person A or B, and you immediately see a ton of posts like “this fandom sucks”, “people are pricks”, “i don’t want to be here anymore because this is full of drama”. please note that i am not saying such reactions are bad or wrong --- at all. people have the right to express their discomfort --- the problem is when this generalization becomes the norm. because i see so many ASOIAF muns starting positivity projects, showing themselves as available for people to talk to and vent to, going out of their way to message others and try to help --- so why do we only value what’s negative? why do we make posts like “this fandom is toxic because there’s a different drama every week” but we don’t make posts like “our fandom has drama every week but it’s still wonderful because, every time there’s drama, so many people jump up to defend others and to try to turn that drama into something better”? by saying that “this fandom is toxic”, are we also not invalidating the efforts of those who try to make it a friendly and safe place? 

          THIS is why i felt the need to make that post and THIS is why i felt the need to praise our fandom for reasons that, in my personal opinion at least, are worth being praised but rarely are so. was my choice of words to express myself inadequate? it’s quite possible, especially with that last sentence with the “you know nothing” joke. does this erase the fact that some people, unfortunately, only have bad experiences and seem to only contact with the unsafe side of the fandom? no, not at all. no, not at all nor will i ever want it to be so --- that’s exactly why i have my own positivity project, which isn’t exclusive to the ASOIAF fandom. and, to you personally, if you ever would like to talk to someone about those bad experiences, i will be more than glad to listen --- even if i can’t change what happen, and without having the presumption to change your personal views on the fandom as a whole, if you feel like it make be useful to you, i will always welcome it.

          ps --- ...please forgive me for having rambled so much, i am only now noticing how long this got. jesus. but i really wanted to make myself clear. and you approached me in such a nice manner, which always encourages me to want to debate these topics, because i think it’s very important --- not always in a fandom but everywhere. assertive communication is always our best weapon to make any place a better place. therefore, thank you so much for this message, and if you’d ever like to talk to me again (about this matter or about whatever, really), please always feel free to :)