#me remembering i'm an adult with a job and i can buy myself fanart if i want to:

[adhd-merlin]

Look at the beautiful piece I commissioned the talented @irishyuri to draw! Based on the ending of my merwenthur fanfic, because that scene kind of wrote itself and I ended up liking it a lot, actually. So, if you've read and liked it, here's a lovely visual to go with it <3 (If you haven't read it, I won't spoil it. You know, just in case you want to check it out).

[shyve3]

Deacon Anaylsis

Once again, I'm joining the fandom in yet another post about character analysis! Idk how I feel about posting my fanart at the moment because it's all traditional art, but i'll get to posting that too...someday.

Please bear with me if you're a major Deacon simp like I am or just someone who likes reading character analyses, because it's so much longer than I expected. I have never written so much in my life, holy shit. (EDIT: I probably have. But this is 3000 words. so it's a lot!)

Also: everything I say in this post is just my interpretation of his character. I've littered a few headcanons here and there. And while some of this may sound harsh, I swear I'm not trying to demean him in any way. I love him because I relate to him, so half of this is me calling out my behavior as well, just indirectly :3

Let's start at the beginning.

We see Deacon as Chase's cousin, who's frankly an annoying, nerdy older brother figure in Chase's eyes. He's always *cough* studying *cough* and most definitely not reading hopeless-romantic-fairytale-books-where-there's-a-random-hero-saving-the-damsel-in-distress. I remember when I first saw him, I thought he was the most pathetic dude ever. In a good way of course. But, eventually my opinion of him built up to be a lot more complex.

We see a glimpse of his ACTUAL character in Chapter 10, when he first goes with Chase and Grandpa Ralph to meet Aunt Myra. His mom, Beth, is seen to be pretty strict towards Deacon. She immediately points out the fact that his shirt isn't tucked in and Deacon's dad immediately goes to ask Chase if he has a job before even saying HI! (Can we get a hi, hello, how are you doing???)

His parents are on the stricter side, and we can see how it affects him in many ways:

Deacon is always dressed in super "nerdy" clothes: button ups, slacks(?) if that's what you call them, plain sweaters. He doesn't really get to express himself to them, and his mom most probably still buys his clothes. (He's literally 20! A young adult!) Ouch.

He's scared to stand up to them for the right reasons. Even though his parents are kinda harsh on everyone Deacon doesn't really retaliate back. That type of strictness towards kids can make them a so-called loser who's extremely awkward and can't stand up for himself. It's evident with how Deacon reacts towards his parents, immediately getting shot down the second he tries to say anything.

Deacon working to be a doctor. Even though it's not what he wants, he goes along with their wishes. After all, people would kill to have as much money as his family. He is humble and grateful, which I think is so important in helper archetypes. He understands their reasoning, that they just want him to be successful, even if it goes against what he wants emotionally: freedom.

Even though Deacon HATES the fact that he's the helper, because it's what he's been doing his whole life, he is still on the journey to learn that being the helper isn't always the bad thing.

Helping others doesn't mean you can't be the hero: Deacon has this secret fantasy of being the hero and proving himself to people: it's why he always consumes media related to "saving" someone (like Ship of Sorrows or any other of his romance novels he reads.)

It kinda also ties into why he's such a hopeless romantic. While it seems funny how he's always dreaming of women and saving them and what-not, it reveals a big truth about his character:

He's pretty f'ing lonely. Most people who look for romantic partners in literally anyone (like Deacon idolizing every single GIRL he meets), are usually lonely. He just wants the comfort in knowing, "yay, I finally proved myself to someone!"

I truly believe that he's asexual or somewhere along the aro/ace spectrum for this reason. His "crushes" on women are truly because of his hero complex, idolizing saving them rather than real love. It's silly, but real. I think he's just experiencing a horrible case of limerence with any woman he meets. (That, and I NEVER see him crushing on real life women. We also don't get a chance to see him with women in real life, but ya know. Anyways, this is just a HC.)

When he first started going into books with Chase, he was extremely excited to be a part of something. His fantasy to prove himself the hero became true: for two seconds.

He feels like his role was a "lame sidekick." Bronze was kinda salty to Deacon's closed off attitude, leading to a little miscommunication between them. (As Punko confirmed, in Toffee Break he purposely sent Deacon into a story with an outfit that didn't include underwear. He must've been reallll salty!) Deacon constantly dodges his role, and he's not ready to be a helper, both in real life and in books.

Deacon's self-worth kinda gets worse when they first go into Toffee Break, getting into the way of his story-going adventures. I love how narratonin is such a journey that really relies on emotional intelligence. It's also the reason he struggles to make it through Toffee Break.

He hates when people point out how his help isn't enough and isn't working, even when it's the smallest indication or a tiny jab. Deacon and Chase start arguing about how Deacon's help wasn't "enough", and it digs at him worse than Chase expected. He's extremely sensitive.

"Toffee Break" stressed him out immensely because of the fact that he learned that he didn't actually know how to help out in the story. He struggled with the fact that this story was extremely counter-intuitive.

Usually, his help consisted of careful strategic planning, like what to say around his parents, making sure they are satisified with whatever he does or says, and also hiding the fact that he's not actually interested in the career path his parents chose for him...

Now, his help consists of adhering to the story and what the heroine does. He has to follow behind her (Chase, in this case), and whatever random path she goes down, something that he's never done.

Buddy makes a second dig at him after his squabble with Chase, saying "Guess no one needed your help", to which he says, "Yeah. Guess you're right." and leaves immediately after. While I love them as a duo, their indifference to each others' characters is what makes them so hard to get along with each other.

I talked about in my Buddy analysis how Buddy takes pride in his role as a villainess, something that probably took him months or even years of discipline. Even though he's closed-minded to "changing the story" like Deacon, what sets them apart is his passion for his archetype in stories. In the beginning, Deacon is inexperienced in embracing his role as a helper and it’s what holds him back. That combined with his lack of knowledge of deviating from the story (much like what Buddy suffered with) was double damage. It's one thing to not be able to deviate from the story, but you can make up for it with your passion to a role despite being "confined" to your role. That's something Deacon needs to learn to have.

After leaving the story, he confides in Bronze with how he's always had everything laid out for him by his parents (proving my point to what I said earlier: That type of parenting changes a kid forever. And he's stuck with a closed-off mindset.) After he comes back into the story, he's feeling a little better about his role, and he's able to realize that sometimes, the best thing to do in life is to wing it. After all, you don't get schooling on how to be the helper, sorry Deacon. While he felt like his life and attitude towards helping others was "laid out", he subconsciously learned how to help others in the way they wanted him to.

After this arc, Chase and Deacon bond a lot more over stories and how to go about hunting for narratonin. Deacon's helper role represents him a lot in real life, and he's the voice of reason to Chase's energetic and spontaneous personality. They balance each other out perfectly, spontaneity with reasoning. Basically, they're the perfect storybook duo with Deacon's book-smart and Chase's street-smarts blending together.

I'm pretty sure I saw this in another analysis, but I'm adding it as well because it's such a good point. (EDIT: I can't find who posted it. PLEASE comment so I can tag you...!)

Deacon plays an important role outside of stories as well. In Cinderella Boy, we get a lot of Chase's insights of his life and traits from, who else but DEACON! He's literally a storyteller.

In Dreams by Day, he tells Silver (and us) about Chase's projection habit, which is extremely hilarious. But it's also an indicator of his personality and his little quirks that "Deacon got used to."

He's also a BIG lore dropper for Chase's life. After all, how would we know about Chase's dad, his mom, his selflessness, his quirks and personality that make him a true heroine?

The two keys also play important roles to him outside of stories.

Bronze is essentially telling him all the time: "No Deacon. Being a helper doesn't mean you neglect your own needs to help others. It means putting yourself first and taking the time to reflect on what you really want and THEN throwing yourself at the oppurtunity to help others. And also, stop being a huge people pleaser. I'm salty enough to know that you're a helper because you feel the overwhelming urge to forget about your own needs because you've been taught to put others first." Also the way that Bronze jokes on Deacon's rigid and insecure perspective of things is also kinda funny. While Bronze is mainly joking, he's also saying: "Dude. Are you serious? You have a life and emotions too!"

Silver also helps him. While the heroine key wouldn't seem like the wise advisor, she's wise emotionally. She always looks on the bright side, and after Deacon tells her that "People fail all the time", she says that hoping and wishing sometimes is enough. Passion is enough for someone to succeed. She is optimistic and believes in everyone, much like Chase. these words make Deacon feel better about himself. Surrounded by Silver and Chase will do that to ya! Leave it to a key and your cousin who's also extremely right about believing in yourself to make your life a little brighter. I believe in ya, Deacon!

He goes through a little bit of a mishaps during the Sick Day arc, getting a little too carried away. Once again, he wants to be the hero, and what better way to do it in one of his storybooks? He's also kinda upset about the fact that he's "always working hard for someone else", basically stuck in a moment of self pity. And so, he thinks, extremely in-the-moment: "hey! I should be the hero right now!" and so he does what Chase does: deviates from the story.

Except, he doesn't make it work. With the helper, deviating from the story doesn't go the same way it does with the heroine. This isn't to say that Deacon shouldn't be deviating from the story: it's just more-so how he goes about it. With the helper key, deviating from the story is a lot more risky. You can deviate from the story, just make sure it works with the plot. (and no, don't try to change your role in the story when it’s not subconsciously happening…Sorry Deacon, it won't work.) With the heroine, she can deviate from the story because her role kinda depends on it. She GETS what she wants, because most fairytales and stories GIVE the heroine luck.

Deacon's hero complex got to him again. He followed his fantasies and it backfired, and it's why deviating from the story just in a frenzy of praying you can change your role doesn't work. (It's also extremely unexpected that Buddy has to be the hero of Sick Day, saving both Deacon and Chase. But that's a whole other spiel to go off of...Someone pick it up from here.)

Buddy starts to play a more important role in Deacon's life, something I'll continue to talk about later on in this anaylsis!

The most important lines are "Maybe for once, I wanted to be the hero!" and to which Buddy says, "A real hero takes on his role because he has to. Not because he wants to. There are times we must be the hero, and many times where we need to be a helper."

Basically, he's clowning on Deacon for glamorizing the role of a hero. The whole idea of the hero archetype of the media in general is fed into the magic-guy-saves-the-world, ignoring the fact that heroes do their role for a purpose, a REASON. Not to get a wish. Again, this is another thing he must come to understand. Deacon's a rational guy, but when it comes to proving himself to others, he's an idiot. Once again, his wretched hero complex!

Even after the entire Sick Day arc, he still wants to be put in the spotlight and looks for some way to prove that he's cooler or better in some way, which is kinda funny.

In All that Glitters, Deacon isn't too big of a focus but we can sorta see him piecing together the shift in Chase and Buddy's relationship.

Stargoth are getting closer, and he's kinda smart so he goes, "Wait a minute. Their relationship is mutual. But they're too dumb to realize it." and he senses that shift. With the advice he's been following all his life, which is to think "realistically", he tells Chase to be careful about telling and not telling Buddy things.

As much as they could just tell Buddy about Prunella, to make sure he doesn't get his feelings like he did when he found out about the helper key, Deacon realizes what's more important. He knows Ex-Libris would most probably punish Buddy for getting another key-holder for another key that went missing. Therefore, he encourages Chase not to tell him, but he feels extremely guilty for it.

Also another detail I didn't really talk and I just noticed as I went to read "All That Glitters" was how Deacon has an obsession with horses. Once again, he wants to "change" the horses with his heroic complex that he has despite having the helper key. (Funny, yet goes along with his character perfectly. He really is something.)

The Honor Among Thieves arc is another important aspect that also ties in with Stargoth and Deacon’s perspective of it. He SEES things. He sees stupidity and these dumb pining idiots fighting with each other. Being the voice of reason, he's absolutely fed up with their bickering and their antics at this point. It's also accidentally hypocritical of him:

He's always the guy to get carried away with fantasies of meeting fictional women who he proves himself to. Yet, when he sees Chase absolutely losing it at Buddy's *cough* *hotness* he is SO done. When it comes to Stargoth, Deacon's fitting into the role as a helper perfectly. C'mon! At least it's not a fictional character, DEACON! /j I don't blame him as a very sapphic Cinderella boy stan...

At the end of Honor Among Thieves, they manage to give the story its happy ending despite the crazy antics and curveballs thrown at them. Good job for Deacon being able to deviate from the story AND help Chase. It's a win-win!

He also essentially tells Chase at the end to not feel bad about the fact that they hid Prunella and Goldie from him, because they had reasons to. Even though they would hurt Buddy emotionally, they could physically keep him safe from what would happen if they DID tell Buddy. And of course, Chase goes to sniff the hoodie right after, saying "You ever feel really wrong even when you're doing the right thing?" *cough gay* *but also foreshadowing. Yikes, Deacon. You were right for directing Chase, but it backfired after he found out :(*

The Book of Deacon is the closest we get to seeing Deacon's perspective. And there's many things I have to say about that episode:

First, the dry texts he sends to his mom. He is so tired of being the helper, and while he's writing out the notecards for the stories? Ow, double damage. He's tired of being the helper once again, constantly shifting back and forth between feeling better about himself and his role as a helper, both in stories and in real life, to having it constantly shut down the next second. The texts with his mom confirm, once again, he feels pressured and forced to help other people. That definitely doesn't help him feel better about himself.

The fact that he TOOK the hero key to go into a book as a hero: he's trying so hard to change his path again, only to feel better about himself. His fantasies and desires to be a hero are what help him avoid the role of a helper...

It's also kinda insane as many people have noted that he immediately resorts to CRUSHING on silver in the book. Dude, that's a key! But it also plays into his stupidity and hopeless-romantic character. No, I'm not saying him NOT EVEN SNAPPING OUT OF IT AND ALMOST ASKING OUT A KEY was justified. Just that he is SO irrational when it comes to chasing after women (whether it be fictional or out of his league, like literally. Girl, that's a KEY!), completely forgetting about everything else. After all, it's why he's so unsuited to being a hero when he forces himself to be one.

He comes to the realization that he HATES being a hero. Now THIS is the first token of acceptance we see him getting towards the helper role. This is where he fully accepts his role. He doesn't really like having a set path for himself. While it's probably because of how he hates set paths, possibly hinting to him standing up for himself later on...

He decides to help Chase in Requiem of Blood and Moonlight (finally, and without any sorta self-doubt or worry.) First, he starts with taking him into the story, and a part of him is happy with seeing that Chase is happy with it as well. It's so adorable seeing Deacon actually accept his role, and it's so attractive I SWEAR! Like oh my gosh, he's finally loving himself more!

Buttt it kinda backfires when he disregards Deacon's info on the story and warnings altogether. His help and usual voice of reason is useless to Chase, who is a gay IDIOT (see, there's a pattern here: love fantasizing about relationships that you'll never have makes you stupid.) Now we're faced with the question: what is Deacon's role now?

And that's where Buddy steps in.

Deacon and Buddy bond with their mutual desire to end the story, and they do this by taking on other roles. Even though Buddy's the villainess, he won't hesitate to fit into other roles in the story, and ends up being kinda like the helper. "The keys can take advantage of certain...loopholes." Similarly, Deacon is kinda the hero of the story now, without it being forced. (See Deacon? You can't force yourself to be the hero! Now, you HAVE to be one :) )

Deacon unknowingly becomes the hero after fighting off the wolves when he's locked outside the castle in this arc.

He steps into the scene of Buddy and Chase trying to tackle down Lucifier in the book. It's a parallel to Honor Among Thieves where Deacon was the one helping.

This story is the first story where we see him bonding with Buddy and unknowingly being the Hero without boasting about it nor making a big deal out of it! I'm so impressed.

To sum it up, I think Deacon's a character with a big hero complex built on his insecurities and he's so keen on proving himself to others. His insecurities come from his parents and rigid mindset that you must be realistic even if it's not what you want. The fact that he's so insecure also makes him a hopeless romantic, searching for unattainable standards of romance. He has a hard time accepting the fact that he can help others while also making room for himself, but he's growing to stand up for himself, not just others. My guy is going places! He serves as a voice of reason to Chase, even though sometimes he has to be reasoned with...And his role in stories changes when he isn't busy wishing for it. And, he's extremely book smart, slowly building up street smarts with the help of Chase and Silver as well.

Anyway, that's all the anaylsis I have on him so far.

I can't wait to see what advice he'll have for Chase after Buddy found out about Prunella and the Hero Key.

I just know next arc is going to be ROUGH. Praying for everyone's mental stability! (Can't guarantee we'll get any though.)

[blynxee]

Kinda an offshoot of thoughts from my last post but man I think being online and posting my art since I was a kid has definitely done something negative to my brain chemistry and how I see the art I create. In a lot of ways I've definitely changed for the better over the years, like when I was a teen I remember always trying to bargain what kinds of fanart would get me the most followers like I was buying stocks in visibility, and now as an adult I'm happy that I've grown out of that and value my original art a lot more. However I feel like that energy has been redirected to different places, like I'm not necessarily expecting tons of engagement online from just my original work but now I'm extremely hard set on drawing things that will "advance" me in some way whether that be my portfolio or my ability to make it into art shows or generally anything that I see as a pathway out of normal day job life and into an ~art career~.

A lot of the time against all reasoning I'll genuinely see more value in artistic output than my own health (after all I can always rest AFTER my massive projects are done!) and I don't think a day goes by where I'm not thinking about what big project I can finally finish that will get me to a place where I feel "successful". It would be nice to pin these feelings on just personal goals unrelated to my general life but I think the hard reality is that I want to accomplish these things because I want to become an artist as a career so I don't have to work low paying jobs that suck away my energy and free time while not giving me enough to provide for both myself and my partner. I want to have income from art jobs and gigs that allows me to survive similarly to how I would at a typical job while simultaneously pursuing a craft I love. Like...it feels so much different than when my teenage brain just wanted engagement online because I feel like my personal comfort and happiness relies on the amount of hours I can pour into detailed comics and illustrations and animations and all of those things take so much time that I have so little of.

I love making art so much! I love creating characters and paintings and animations and most of all I love it when anything I make can positively affect another person even in the smallest ways! I just wish so much of my self worth and future didn't hang on how many hours I can pour into my work and how monitizable that work ends up being.