#me just highlighting 'nathaniel' when he appeared. very in character for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

artzychic27 · 4 years

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Pure Knight/Blood Knight

As he put his books in his locker, Nathaniel kept staring lovingly at the photo of Marc he kept inside. A few months after the Reverser incident, he and the writer started dating, and Nathaniel couldn’t be happier.

Marc was so sweet, cute, and just thinking about him always left Nathaniel a blushing mess. Especially when he saw that beautiful smile.

And hopefully, he’d be seeing that smile today. Nathaniel had been noticing something off about Marc- he’s more quiet than usual, he’s been wearing his hood over his head more often, and whenever Nathaniel asked if he wanted to hang out with his friends from class, Marc would either change the subject or say he had plans that day.

—

“Hey, Rainbow-“

He pauses when he sees his boyfriend, clearly upset. Marc was just lying on his bed, and looking up at the ceiling while listening to music on his headphones- Now Nathaniel was concerned. Marc would only do this whenever he was upset.

He walks over to Marc, pauses the music, and Marc turns his attention to him “Marc? Is something wrong?”

“... No, I just...” He sits up “... It’s just something that someone said.” Nathaniel sits down next to him and kisses him on the cheek.

“C’mon, tell me what happened.” He urges “I’m really worried about you.”

Marc smiled at his boyfriend’s concern, “Well, you know Lila?” Nathaniel frowns at the mention of the She-Demon’s name. She’s wronged the redhead too many times to count. Marc notices his expression “Nath?”

Snapped out of his thoughts, Nathaniel focuses back on Marc “Sorry. What about her?”

“I posted a story on Tumblr that I was proud of, but I guess Lila copied and pasted it on her Tumblr, then she told everyone she wrote it.” A few tears stream down his face “And they all believed her!”

“Oh, Rainbow.” Nathaniel cooed, then kissed him on his forehead “It’ll be okay.”

“No, it won’t. When I tried to tell everyone, they didn’t believe me, and Alya said I was jealous!” He wipes a few tears away. “Only Mari, Alix, Rose, and Juleka believe me.”

“And so do I.” He reminded, then wipes a tear off of Marc’s cheek using his thumb “It’ll get better, okay?”

Marc smiles “Okay.”

“Come on. Let’s work on the comic.”

After three hours of coming up with a storyline and character designs, Nathaniel went home, glad that his boyfriend is happy now. But he wasn’t. That lying fox had wronged him so many times, all because he doesn’t believe her damn lies!

“Accidentally” spilling drinks on his sketchbook, claiming to know a writer who could help improve the Ladybug comics, trying to frame him for stealing art she claimed was hers.

He could forget all of that, all of it, but making Marc cry was something he would not tolerate. He wanted Rossi to perish, not just her though, all of her followers. He just wanted them all to...

Nathaniel remembers he’s in Paris right now. A place where having negative emotions would turn you into a monster. So, he breathed in and out a few times and thought about positive things.

Being with Marc

People loving their comics

Mari having people on her side

Alix, Rose, and Juleka

...

From where he’s standing, Nathaniel glared at the sausage-haired girl sitting on the bench as she told more stories to her clueless followers flocking around her. He almost pitied them... Almost.

Alix sees what he’s looking at, and rolls her eyes “Just let it go, Nath. They’re all lost causes.”

“Yeah, I’ve done everything I could to help them, but they won’t listen.” Marinette says “If they wanna believe that I’m a jealous bully, let them. No more free clothes and food for them.” She folds her arms

He groans “Fine. But if she says one more thing about Marc again, I’m gonna-“ Rose interrupts him and asks “What’d she say about Marc?”

Answering her question, the Akuma class made comments such as:

“I still can’t believe he tried to steal my story!” The Italian whined

“He’s a fake!”

“He wishes he could write like you!”

“As if you could even call that writing!”

Marinette, Juleka, and Rose stared with their mouths hung open.

“Oh. My. Fucking- Ugh!” Alix exasperated “What the hell is wrong with them? That bitch doesn’t even write!”

Nathaniel continued to glare at the Italian, still trying to think about positive things so he won’t get Akumatized again

Being with Marc

People loving their comics

Mari having people on her side

Alix, Rose, and Juleka

“You should give that fake some lessons.”

... Lila getting what she deserves

“I bet that’s not even his work.”

Alya’s tabloid blog getting blacklisted

That lying bitch getting killed by an Akuma.

Those assholes falling off a big cliff!

His anger diminished when he saw Marc, halfway down the stairs. He was visibly crying, meaning he had heard everything they said. Nathaniel wanted to be angry right now, he did, but seeing Marc like that just made the redhead want to comfort him and tell him he loves him

His anger returned once again when Marc ran upstairs in tears.

It was probably enough to attract an Akuma, but he didn’t care. Those idiots deserved what was coming to them... But he didn’t want Marc to get akumatized...

Before Alix, Juleka, Rose, or Marinette could go over and tell them off, Nathaniel grabbed an apple out of Marinette’s lunch bag, silently thanked his parents for making him participate in two years of baseball, and chucked it at Lila while she wasn’t looking, hitting her right in her fat forehead, and ran out the courtyard while his classmates looked for the culprit.

—

Nathaniel could hear the wings flapping as he ran, and knew an Akuma was after him. The flapping got louder, and Nathaniel prepared to get akumatized once again, but the butterfly flew right past him... Marc!

He picked up more speed and ran right past the Akuma. After about a minute of running, Nathaniel found Marc crying in the art room and ran in to comfort him.

“Don’t cry, Marc, please don’t cry.” He whispers to Marc, hoping to calm him down before the Akuma would sense his negativity. “They’re wrong! You’re an amazing writer! I love you, Rainbow.”

The sound of the flapping of butterfly wings got closer. Nathaniel and Marc saw that the Akuma was in the room with them, and trying to pick which out of the two it would Akumatize. It was so hard for it to choose. Nathaniel’s anger and frustration were tempting, but it has originally been sent to go after Marc.

Being with Marc

People loving their comics

Mari having people on her side

Alix, Rose, and Juleka

“You should give that fake some lessons.”

“I know a way better writer.”

“As if you could even call that writing!”

Nathaniel pushed those thoughts in the back of his mind, got up, and stood between his boyfriend and the Akuma.

“Stay away from him!”

He couldn’t let Marc get akumatized again, he just couldn’t! He tried to keep his negative emotions down, but they were too strong. He kept thinking about his classmates. How they’ve hurt his friends, his boyfriend. How Lie-La made Marinette and Marc’s lives a living hell. The rage consumed him, that was enough for the Akuma to finally chose its target, and go in Nathaniel’s yin-yang necklace.

“Nath!” Marc cried as he saw Hawkmoth’s symbol appear on the face of his boyfriend. “Don’t listen to him, please!”

“What you did for the one you love was very noble of you. Almost like a Knight. I’m giving you the power to protect your love at all costs from those who dare try to hurt him.”

“Get out of my head!”

“You will go by two names. Blood Knight, a rage-filled seeker of vengeance. An unstoppable force to be reckoned with. The other, Pure Knight, protector of the innocent, and the defenseless.”

Nathaniel thought about Lila and Alya. Their smug faces whenever Marinette looked miserable, and the lies they spread about his friends. They would all pay...

“You yearn for justice, and to protect the one you love. In return for this power, you must give me Ladybug and Chat Noir’s miraculous’. Do we have a deal?”

“I will protect him with my life.” He swore as the black and purple mist bubbles up from his necklace and surrounded him. When it lifted, Nathaniel was replaced by an armored figure, about a foot taller than him. The armor he was wearing was pure white with blue highlights. The helmet’s visor has a blue butterfly-shaped mark, and the helmet’s comb is a light blue. In his hand is a golden shield with a red and white yin-yang symbol. And around his neck was a necklace with a light blue orb.

Pure Knight heard shuffling from behind him and turned to see Marc has backed himself into a corner. He walks over to the crying boy and kneels before him as if he were royalty.

“Nath?” Marc whispered in horror.

He shook his head “I am Pure Knight. Your protector. I vow to be your shield, and smite those who have wronged you.” He takes Marc’s hand in his armored one

“They all will pay for their transgressions. No one shall ever harm you again, my prince.”

—

Marinette, Rose, and Juleka were trying to hold Alix back from knocking some sense into their idiot classmates.

“Alix, you said it yourself! They’re lost causes!” Marinette said as she pulled Alix by her arms

“Fuck that! They can mess with us all they want, but when they talk trash about Marc, I get crazy!” She argued, still trying to pull her limbs free, but stumbled when the sound of something metallic rang through the air.

Everyone looked to the middle of the courtyard and saw a large broadsword drop down, the point embedding itself on the floor. Holding the sword was Blood Knight. Unlike Pure Knight, his armor was black with blood-red highlights. The orb on the necklace was black. The same yin-yang symbol that was on the shield is now in the middle of the cross-guard of the sword.

Everyone took a step back as Blood Knight pulled his sword out from the floor. He looked at the Akuma class before his eyes settled on Lila. Then, something overcame him, and he surged forwards, pushing away the others to grab Lila by the front of her shirt and hold her up

“Put me down” She wailed “I didn’t do anything!”

“LIES!” He yelled, “Every word you say is nothing but a lie!”

“Nath?” Alix asked as she slowly walked over to the red knight “O-okay. Look, just put Lila down-“

“I have no quarrels with you, Alix. And unless you wish to meet the business end of my sword, you will let me do what should have been done long ago.”

CLANG!

“OW!” Everyone turned their heads to see Kim, clutching his fist in pain, possibly caused by trying to punch the Akuma.

Blood Knight throws Lila to the floor, then faces Kim. The athlete tries to look intimidating, but fails due to the height difference “...You weak, disposable maggot.” He said as he pointed the broadsword to Kim’s neck “You claim to be a defender of the bullied, and yet you aid one.”

Kim frowned “Lila’s not a-!”

In a split second, Blood Knight’s broadsword cleaved right through Kim. Everyone watched in horror as Kim’s figure disappeared in a puff of red smoke. Many students fled the courtyard, not wanting to be next.

“One down...” He turns to the rest of the class, who are still in shock “So many more to go.” He points his sword to Lila, who’s being held protectively by Alya “You are a danger to my Prince!”

Lila once again brought out the crocodile tears “But he’s the one bullying me!” She added a lip quiver for effect “He steals my stories and claim they’re his!”

Blood Knight growled under his helmet “Speak the truth now, or I will show you no mercy!” He pulled Lila out of Alya’s hold

Bring her reign to an end!

“I’m not lying!” She insists

“... Fine.” Thinking she’s won, Lila sighs with relief “Then your dark soul shall perish!” He raises his sword, the metal gleams in the light. Lila pales, knowing she, for once, won’t be able to lie her way out of danger.

Students look away, not wanting to see this again.

A second before he could bring this lying fox to justice, he felt something wrap around his armored wrist. ‘Who dares to defend this lying witch?’, he thought

“Nath, please!”

Hearing the cry of his prince, he turns his head to see that he’s the one holding onto his wrist. He takes a look at Marc’s face and sees the look of distress.

Kill her. Do it now!

He’s upset. Protect Marc! Keep him safe!

Blood Knight’s armor fades from red to white, and a bright light consumes the sword. When it dims, the shield is in its place.

“I know you’re still in there, Nath. You’d never want to hurt anyone...”

“My prince... I... I...”

Marc smiles, believing he’s getting through to him.

“I should’ve known!” Lila wailed, “You got Nathaniel akumatized so he could hurt me!”

The Akuma class, sans Alix, Rose, and Juleka, start hurling insults at the boy.

Kill them! All of them!

They hurt the prince!

Do you want to protect the prince? Kill them!

Rage consumes Pure Knight, and he becomes Blood Knight once again. Instead of the liar and her posse, he turns to Alix, Juleka, and Rose. In a flash, the blade sliced through them. But instead of them disappearing into smoke, their clothing transformed into pure white and gold armor, and in their hands were gold shields with yin-yang symbols

“Shieldmaidens, dispose of this lying fox!” Blood Knight commanded

“Yes, Blood Knight.” Alix, Juleka, and Rose responded in emotionless voices, then turned to the Akuma class. Before they could strike, Ladybug’s yoyo wraps around Lila’s waist and pulls her towards the spotted and leather-clad heroes, who are at the top of the steps

“I didn’t need your help! I could’ve taken them on myself!” Lila complains

Instead of Ladybug rolling her eyes, she just says, “You know, maybe I’ll just let Blood Knight take care of you, make our jobs a whole lot easier.”

Chat Noir plays along “Yeah, you get akumatized a lot, so this would be a win.”

“Okay! Just get rid of them!”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Ladybug says as she retracts her yoyo. Then she and Chat jump down in front of Blood Knight. Ladybug addresses the rest of the students still in the courtyard “Everyone, get out of here!” The students either took cover in the classrooms or run out of the school.

Marc is about to run but he was suddenly pushed into Blood Knight’s chest, his arm around him in a protective hold

He sighs, “And here I was thinking you two defended the weak!” He turned to the shieldmaidens “Don’t let them leave!” He hoisted Marc in his arms and jumped to the roof of the school as the writer screamed for dear life.

“FOR THE PRINCE!” The three shieldmaidens let out battle cries and surged forward to duel Ladybug and Chat Noir.

One short battle later, and the shieldmaidens are trapped in the lockers with no way of getting out, thanks to Chat Noir put a broomstick through the handles.

They make their way outside where many students and teachers are gathered

“Is everyone alright?” They all nod and say that they’re okay.

Aurore walks up to the two heroes

“Two more students were turned into shieldmaidens, and kidnapped Alya and Lila!” She explained frantically

“This is their fault!” One male student yelled as he pointed to the Akuma class. “If it weren’t for that lying bitch and that damn tabloid writer, we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“She’s right.” A blonde girl agreed “I heard the shit you guys said about Marc, that’s why Nathaniel got akumatized! All because you believed some lying skeeze!”

“You’re all idiots!”

“Why don’t we just let Nath kill you right here, right now?!”

The students of the Akuma class who were on Lila’s side got into a verbal brawl with the other students over if Lila is a liar or not, and whose fault this was. As the commotion gets louder, a loud whistle sounds out. Everyone turns to see Chat Noir with his thumb and pointer finger in his mouth.

“You can all this discuss this later! Right now, does anyone have an idea where Nathaniel took Marc, Alya, and Lila?”

“Alya might be live-streaming for the Ladyblog.” A boy calls out “You can see where they’re going.”

“Of course! Someone bring up the Ladyblog!” Ladybug ordered

Aurore did so, and the live-stream was running, showing Alya in the clutches of one of the shieldmaidens jumping on the rooftops

“Hey, viewers! Once again, I’ve been kidnapped by a supervillain!” She said while blowing out some of her hair that was getting in her face “At least this one is less handsy!”

“She’s not the best journalist, but you gotta admire this girl’s commitment.” Chat Noir commented, to which Aurore rolled her eyes.

Alya then panned her phone around to show Marc, now in Pure Knight’s arms, looking terrified from being up so high and flinching every time Pure Knight landed on a roof.

“If this faker hadn’t stolen Lila’s story, we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

She phone pans to show Lila, also terrified as she’s hoisted over a shieldmaiden’s shoulder

“Lila, care to comment?”

“Ladybug and Chat Noir, get off your fat lazy butts and HELP ME, YOU IDIOTS!” Lila screamed in response

Alta pointed the camera back to her. Confusion is visible on her face. The superheroes scowled. That girl had some nerve. The Akuma class also looks confused. Wasn’t Lila supposed to be Ladybug’s best friend?

“It looks like he’s heading for the Tower. And before he left, I think I heard him say something about the perfect kingdom for his prince.” Aurore says

—

We’ll have our kingdom, my prince.

It will be perfect like you.

What about our revenge?!

Justice will be brought shortly.

Pure Knight turned his attention to Marc, still cradled in his arms with his eyes shut tight. Ever since he became Reverser and almost plummeted to his death, Marc had a terrible fear of heights. Pure Knight gently put Marc down, and when he opened his eyes, he found that they were at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Noticing his uneasiness, Pure Knight pulls Marc closer to his chest “It will all be over soon, my prince.” He turns to the shield maidens and gives a small nod. At that, they drop Lila and Alya with an audible thunk

“You clumsy idiots!” Lila screeched

“I’ve had just about enough of you.” His armor becomes blood-red, and the broadsword returns, much to the two girls’ horror

“S-so, Blood Knight. Any reason you brought us to the Eiffel Tower?” Alya asked, pointing her phone to the Akuma

“So all of Paris can witness the downfall of this liar! She’s going to tell everyone who she really is!”

Alya was becoming frustrated “Lila is not a liar! Why does everyone-“

“SILENCE!” He is about to silence the reporter with his sword but froze when he felt Marc hold onto his arm. He looked into the boy’s pleading eyes and sighed in defeat, “You should be grateful my Prince is merciful, otherwise, I would not hesitate to slice both your necks open.”

The sword starts to glow a bright red

“It is time for you to tell the truth once and for all, Rossi!” He yelled

Lila was about to get up and run, but the two shieldmaidens held her by her wrists. Blood Knight approached her with his sword still aglow. He points the tip of it to her forehead, and Lila began to glow red.

The light dimmed, and the shieldmaidens released her. Lila fell to her knees, clutching her head in pain. Alya was about to help her, but she was met with the sharp tip of Blood Knight’s sword and went back to recording.

“Now tell all of Paris, Rossi. What have you lied about?”

“I... I... I HATE LADYBUG! I WANT HER DEAD! I CAN'T STAND HER!” Lila screamed against her will

Blood Knight nearly dropped his sword out of shock, clearly not expecting that.

“When Adrien’s friend got akumatized into Oni-Chan, I tricked Chat Noir into leaving Ladybug so she would face the Akuma alone. That sword should’ve killed her!” Lila snarled “And I’ve been working with Hawkmoth ever since so I could finally get rid of her!”

Alya and Marc’s jaws hung open. Seeing just how dangerous this girl really was, Blood Knight transformed into Pure Knight and held his shield in front of Marc

“Continue.” He ordered

“That bitch ruined my chance with Adrien! So what if I lied about being some stupid fox hero? She should’ve minded her own fucking business!”

Alya scowled and watched as the comments rolled in on the Ladyblog. A few were jabs at her, but almost all of them were aimed towards the Italian

“Then there’s Maribrat! She’s just as worse as Ladybug! I tried to get her expelled, but look how that turned out! God, I just want those two idiots dead!”

Alya shuddered at that statement. She was now starting to regret how she treated Marinette for so long.

“All she had to do was fall in line like the rest of that dumbasses! But she decided to start a war, same for that skater girl, the pink idiot, the freak, that loser artist, and that f*g!” She pointed to Marc, whose eyes widened in shock at what he had just been called

Pure Knight’s armor began to fade from white to red “What. Else?” He growled

“I’ve never been to Achu! Jagged Stone never wrote a song about me, Clara Nightingale didn’t steal my dance moves, I never saved Jagged Stone’s cat!” She yelled

Alya’s confusion and horror morphed into rage. If her grip around her phone got any tighter, the screen would probably crack.

Back at the school, everyone is watching the live stream on their phones. Every student gives the Akuma class smug looks while they just look away, embarrassed and ashamed for believing the Italian’s lies

“And Adrien’s dad hired me to spy on him in exchange for a modeling contract! He wanted me to keep Adrien away from bad influences, and I was trying to isolate him away from those losers so he’d only have me!”

Chat Noir, who was vaulting from rooftop to rooftop scowled as he heard the live-streams from people’s phones. He knew his father was an ass, but this was just sick.

“Then I stole that sissy’s story and claimed it was mine!” She glared at Marc, who was still in Pure Knight’s protective hold “He had the nerve to call me out when I said I wrote his dumb Ladybug fanfiction! If I could, I’d push him off the railing right now!”

MURDER HER!

Pure Knight let out a yell, and Blood Knight was back in his place, somehow appearing more menacing than before. He’d gotten what he wanted- For all of Paris to know the truth about this wretched girl. Now to do everyone a favor, and deliver a final blow, then his prince would be safe from her lies.

The sound of Ladybug’s yo-yo whizzing by is heard. Before Blood Knight could react, the end of the spotted hero’s weapon wrapped around his wrist, refraining him from using his sword. The heroes land between him and Marc. In Ladybug’s other hand is a tube of lipstick

“You dare to stand in the way of justice?!”

“Nathaniel, this isn’t justice! It’s revenge! Ladybug tried to reason, but to no avail

“Don’t call me that! I am Blood Knight! And as long as I’m here, no one will harm my prince ever again!”

Blood Knight pulls on his sword and flings Ladybug over the railing. She manages to hold on by one hand

“Shieldmaidens, advance!”

The two shieldmaidens surge towards Chat Noir who uses his staff like a sword against their shields. Alya rushes towards Ladybug, making sure to keep an eye on Lila in case she tries anything, and pulls her up

“Thanks, Alya.” Ladybug looks around for any way to use her Lucky Charm

Chat Noir Cataclysms the sword so Blood Knight will be forced to be defensive

Have Marc distract Pure Knight

Take the necklace while Pure Knight is distracted

“That’s it! Chat, cataclysm his sword!” She ordered

“On it, m’lady!” Chat nodded and called out “CATACLYSM!” He maneuvered past the shieldmaidens, knocking them down with his staff along the way, then ran over to Blood Knight and touched his sword just before he could swing it at the hero. The sword disappeared in his hands into black ash.

Ladybug looked over at Marc, yelled, “Heads up!” then threw her yoyo at him. Pure Knight rushed in front of him with his shield up and deflected the weapon. Repeatedly, Ladybug threw the yoyo at the shield, making Pure Knight keep it up.

While Ladybug does this, she tosses the lipstick over to Marc. He looks confused for a moment until Ladybug winks. He gets the message.

Protect him!

They won’t take him away!

“Pure Knight?”

Is the Prince okay?

Help him!

Pure Knight kept his shield steady as he turned his head towards his prince. Marc couldn’t see it, but he was blushing under that helmet. How could he not when his prince looked so... So innocent. He was clinging to his arm for safety, he had dough eyes, and... Were his lips always that shade of pink? He looked so beautiful...

Pure Knight felt the writer’s hand reach up to the visor of his helmet, and lift it to reveal his red face. Marc smiles, relieved to see Nathaniel under the cold armor. He tenderly strokes his cheek and stood on his toes so he could reach his lips.

Pure Knight’s grip on his shield loosened as he kissed the soft lips of his prince. The shield fell to the floor with a thunk as he wrapped his arms around his Prince’s waist, and lifted him to his face so Marc wouldn’t have to crane his neck up.

They were so oblivious to the world around them. They didn’t notice Alya was still live streaming, Chat Noir trying not to squeal, and Ladybug, sneaking up behind Pure Knight, grabbing the necklace, and throwing it to the floor.

The Akuma flew out, only to be caught by Ladybug’s yo-yo.

“No more evil-doing for you little Akuma. Time to de-evilize!”

The purified butterfly fluttered out of the yoyo

“Bye-bye, little butterfly.” Ladybug told it, then threw the lipstick into the air “MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!”

The thousands of ladybugs flew around the town, fixing any damage caused by the Akuma. Alix, Juleka, and Rose returned to normal and were standing outside with the other students. Kim was brought back. The other two shieldmaidens reverted back to their former selves. And the truth curse on Lila was lifted.

Black and purple mist engulfed Pure Knight, then lifted to reveal Nathaniel, his head resting on Marc’s shoulder. He looks around, confused

“Rainbow? Where am I?” He asked, but then noticed his yin-yang necklace on the floor, Ladybug and Chat Noir, and realized what happened “Oh my God.“ he looked to Marc, concerned “I didn’t hurt you, did-“ He didn’t finish as Marc hugged him tightly

“Don’t you ever do that again.” He whispered

“I... I didn’t want you to get akumatized again.” Nathaniel said as he ran his fingers through Marc’s hair “I love you, Rainbow.”

”I love you too, Nath.”

“You could’ve gotten here sooner, you know!” Lila screeched “I HATE YOU LADYBUG! HATE YOU!”

“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE FUCKING CUNT?!” Ladybug cursed, much to everyone’s shock “I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH YOU! I can live with you getting akumatized five dame times, hurting an innocent student, but I will not tolerate homophobia! Don’t think I didn’t hear what you said about Marc on the live-stream!”

Lila backed away, actually afraid, but bumped into Chat Noir who was snarling

“I should’ve cataclysmed you instead.”

Lila scoffed “Like you’d hurt me! Imagine everyone’s reactions when they see Ladybug and Chat Noir hurting an innocent civilian!”

“You’re just a little dumbass, aren’t you?” Ladybug asked coldly “Did you seriously forget that Alya has been live-streaming this whole time?” Lila paled as she saw the phone in Alya’s hands, and the news-choppers recording the scene “All of Paris heard every. Fucking. Thing.”

Chat Noir places a hand on her shoulder, and dug his claws in “And I’m sure the feds would love to hear how you’ve been working with a terrorist for the past three months.”

Lila tries to lie her way out of this once again “Th-they were all lies!” She claimed as she brought out the crocodile tears “The Akuma made me say them! He was just doing what Marc told him to because he’s jealous-“ She’s finally silence when a fist collided with her face. She falls to the floor with a thud.

Everyone looked at Alya, shocked.

“That’s for turning me against my best friend!” She yelled. No one noticed the touched look on Ladybug’s face

—

The police arrested Lila, and she was sent to life in prison for working with a terrorist, forging signatures, stealing money from students that were meant for charities, and many more. She went to a prison in Italy, because she was still kinda pissed about being exposed, and Hawkmoth could easily send an Akuma and allow her to break out.

Alya was the first to apologize to Marinette. The bluenette accepted her apology, but it would be a while before she could forgive Alya and the rest of her classmates. Adrien also apologized for giving her such stupid advice. It would also be a while before Marinette could forgive him.

Nevertheless, she still hung out with them, and their friendship slowly rekindled.

Marc and Nathaniel also received apologies, same for Alix, Rose, and Juleka for being treated as outcasts and badmouthed for months. Like Marinette, it would take time for them to forgive the Akuma class.

And Marc made Nathaniel swear to never be stupid and take an Akuma like that again. If the redhead weren’t so cute, Marc would gladly knock some sense into him.

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous #marc x nathaniel #Pure Knight & Blood Knight #lila rossi exposed #lila rossi bashing #alya salt #alya redemption #class salt #class redemption #lila salt #ml salt fanfic #alix sugar #marinette sugar #protective Nathaniel Kurtzberg #rose sugar #juleka sugar #nathaniel sugar #marc sugar

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soveryanon · 4 years

Text

Reviewing time for MAG167!

- I did appreciate a loooot that little “break” to deal with (past) interpersonal problems and how they intertwined with the Fears. Characters-of-the-day in this season have been feeling mostly interchangeable since they’re rewritten/decontextualised from their past lives, and the narration covering multiple individual nightmares doesn’t really help, so… It felt safer and more comforting to go back to characters being themselves, even when that also ended miserably?

- I got super excited on first listen because !! New names!! New random tiny tidbits of lore regarding the past of the Institute! Pre-Gertrude era!

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “When she first joined the Archives, she took the place of a man named Angus Stacey, whose face was torn from his skull by a creature of masks and smiles. Gertrude had thought of it as “The Grinning Wheel”, and it was one of the first things to fall at the hands of the Institute’s new avenger. Appropriately enough, Gertrude used fire. […] Angus Stacey had, in the long tradition of Institute Archivists, been a disappointment to the man whose eyes then sat in the smirking face of one ‘Director Richard Mendelson’. Angus had been too keen to learn, too ambitious in his academic legacy. He had had grand plans to revise Smirke’s Fourteen and, in trying to do so, burned through his resources; his luck; and ultimately all but one of his assistants. When Gertrude was appointed to the role, there was a single survivor left in the Archives: a woman by the name of Fiona Law.”

So:

* Angus Stacey was the previous Archivist, killed by a creature of The Stranger… which, aouch (Gertrude wasn’t killed by one, but had spent a good amount of time thinking about their ritual before her death, didn’t feel like she was putting out as much energy against The Dark honestly? And Nikola wore her skin during The Unknowing. The Stranger was all around there at the beginning and at the end, uh…).

* Interestingly, Angus was aware of Smirke’s taxonomy, and so was Gertrude at least towards the end of her life (since Gerry mentioned that he liked to use his classification in MAG111); I wonder if there used to be documents about it in the Archives, potentially by Smirke himself, before Jonah possibly hid them away to ensure that Jon would be kept in the dark about it…? (It’s also possible that such documents exist and Jon didn’t have the time to stumble upon them: he’s been Head Archivist for only three years).

* OOFT that the Archivist pre-pre-Jon wanted to “revise” Smirke’s classification… which highlights, once again, that that classification was subjective and an interpretation, but not something set in stone – despite what Smirke was attempting to do with his architecture.

* Confirmation that Gertrude knew another one of Jonah’s identities when she began to work in the Archives! James Wright was Head from 1973 to 1996, so that had always been a possibility. When Elias commented about how “Fifty years is a long time! [CHUCKLE] End of an era.” in MAG158, it really wasn’t an exaggeration. Gertrude lived through three of his identities.

- I’m really glad to know that, since Jonah used to be a “Richard Mendelson”… his nickname must have been “Dick”.

As Jon, master of redundancy, said in MAG096: “Cocky prick.”

(My only regret is that Tim didn’t live enough to know that. He would have made Elias’s life hell about “Dick” TT__TT)

- Laughing very hard that Jonah’s main characteristic is definitely… his way of smiling.

(MAG092) ELIAS: Now, you have something to ask me? BASIRA: Go for it. DAISY: Before I strangle the grinning bastard.

(MAG108) PETER: I have a meeting with him today. He suggested… I’m sure he’s watching from his office, grinning from ear to ear.

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “Angus Stacey had, in the long tradition of Institute Archivists, been a disappointment to the man whose eyes then sat in the smirking face of one ‘Director Richard Mendelson’.”

HOW the heck did he manage to attract and to give that aura of seriousness to his peers back in the 18th century? Is it a case of arrogance being perceived as confidence back then, when it’s just making Jonah obnoxious and insufferable nowadays? (It’s also SUPER FUNNY that Elias was, at the beginning, identified as kind of… bland and unremarkable, passive, a bit lazy, thanks-for-nothing-dude? While, once he reveals himself, it seems to go hand-in-hand with grinning/smirking faces. Gods. Basira, you should have punched him some more.)

- I recognised the name “Fiona Law” on the spot, since MAG029 was one of the first episodes to mention past details of the Institute, with the Elias Timeline Problem! Statement of Nathaniel Thorp, left on June 4th 1972:

(MAG029) ARCHIVIST: Fiona Law, the research assistant who took the statement, passed away in 2003 from complications following a liver transplant, and with two exceptions no-one else working for the Institute at the time is still employed here. Gertrude Robinson was there, of course, but we can’t exactly ask her, and Elias was working as a filing clerk at the time. I followed up with him, and he does remember there being something of a commotion around that time about someone self-harming while giving a statement – rumours said they’d cut off their finger or something – but he wasn’t directly involved and didn’t know much more about it.

Regarding “Elias”, since he’s meant to sound “middle-aged” (and not “old”): I’m still choosing to assume that MAG049’s information was correct, and that Jonah slipped up and mentioned a time when James Wright was working as a filing clerk, since he would become Head of the Institute the following year and that’s probably when Jonah took his body. The strange thing is still that Jon just accepted without a question that Elias was 20+ years older than he looked, but eh.

The HILARIOUS and accurate detail is that, regarding Fiona’s tendency to pass out when in danger?

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “Fiona was the most fascinating combination of curiosity and cowardice, pushing forward and forward into the unknown, until the very first moment of threat… crystallised. And then she was away. Of course, retreat is not always possible in such a line of business, and when that proved to be the case, there was a single trait which Fiona possessed that saw her surviving encounters which had killed far braver souls than her. Because when she was pushed to the very limits of her terror, Fiona Law… would faint. And while there are those things in the dark that would kill you as you slept, most get no real delight from it, unless you are awake enough to know what is happening. And so, through cowardice and unconsciousness, Fiona had survived an entire generation of Archivist.”

It may have been A Thing that happened in MAG029!

(MAG029, Nathaniel Thorp) “The end, I suppose. Thank you for indulging me, you’ve been very patient. I’m well aware I came in to tell you my own story, and instead have rattled off some old folktale, which you’ve dutifully taken down. I do feel now, though, that I’m at a place where I can tell you of myself. But for one final bit of context, I need you to watch this. Pay attention.”

ARCHIVIST: Archivist’s note: After this point the rest of the page is covered in what appears to be a large bloodstain. The statement resumes on the page afterwards, in a somewhat shakier hand.

“Apologies for that. A bit dramatic I know, but I always feel a demonstration is best in these situations.”

She might have passed out and then resumed taking the statement when she woke up x”)

- Sarah Carpenter took me a few more seconds on first listen, but given that Paul McKenzie had been put back on the foreground with MAG146, the name still quickly rang a bell (statement given on August 24th 2003):

(MAG027) ARCHIVIST: When this was originally logged, apparently we did send a then-member of the research staff, one Sarah Carpenter, to take some readings of the house. Apparently she felt there was little enough danger to justify an overnight vigil at the place, but like everyone else in Mr. McKenzie’s tale, she encountered no strangeness or intruders on the upstairs landing, or in any other part of the building. […] The only other thing that stands out from this as strange is that Sarah Carpenter, the researcher originally sent to look into this back in 2003, took some rather detailed photographs of the interior and layout of the house. Looking through them now, it strikes me that the bedroom door, to which Mr. McKenzie refers so often, does not appear to have a keyhole, or any sort of lock.

“Research staff” (Fiona was also identified as a “research assistant” in season 1) but, given that Jon didn’t even know that Gertrude used to have assistants by MAG080, it’s likely that the data about (past) Archives staff is… hard to get / hidden a bit.

HEAVY SOB IN GERTRUDE/AGNES that the thing Gertrude saw in Sarah was her “fire”:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “Eric was replaced by another assistant, not so young as Michael, and hardened with some encounters of her own. She was eager to prove herself, and exactly the sort of person to intrigue the ageing Emma. There was a fire to Sarah Carpenter, perhaps the one which led to Gertrude hiring her, and Emma’s curiosity ignited once again, this time keen to find out exactly what it would take to break this brave investigator of the unknown.”

Like, wow, Gertrude, please, you had a type.

- I love how, with just tiny brushes, it really felt like Emma-Eric-Fiona-Gertrude were indeed once upon a time a team, with their own dynamic?

It gave me season 1 flashbacks, with Tim&Sasha commenting a lot about Martin being jumpy, Jon groaning about Tim’s April Fools Prank, etc. Own team with its own flavour.

It also reminds me that Jon had mentioned that some files were in better order:

(MAG060) ARCHIVIST: The mid-to-late 20th century seems marginally better filed than most of the archives, so we haven’t seen as many rogue statements cropping up from that period.

So: Emma-Eric-Fiona-Gertrude used… to do the work, back then, probably? Eric, at least, had the qualifications.

- I was really hoping that we would learn about “Emma” since Eric had mentioned her, Jonny had announced in the season 4 Q&A that we would:

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma.

But WOW, I. wasn’t expecting her to be that bad. It’s really strange, because for the first half of the statement, I thought that Emma was the quintessence of Beholding? Scheming bad things to experiment and observe them from afar? And turns out she was going Web?!

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “But Emma had a sickness. As much as she might have despised the ageing Fiona, it was the same one that plagued her: curiosity. That desperate, grasping need to know. […] The experiments were simple enough. When a statement was close enough, and real enough that finding its source seemed a possibility, Emma would volunteer herself and Fiona to investigate it. […] Once out near danger, Fiona would always find herself… ever-so-slightly ahead; always seeming to be inexplicably the first through the door. And more often than not, it would close behind her. By the end, the poor woman genuinely believed spontaneously locking doors were a tell-tale sign of the supernatural. Emma would do her best to observe from safety, making notes, only retrieving the often unconscious Fiona when the danger passed. She watched, as her poor guinea pig stumbled through a maze of whispering grubs; she timed the intervals at which Fiona emerged from a hungry fog; and recorded her barely escaping the Sandman, who came to take her eyes. Poor Fiona never suspected a thing. […] When Emma came to tell Gertrude what had happened, she found the first of the cobwebs in her hair, the ones she would wash from it every morning for the rest of her life. And Gertrude mourned the first of many losses, and did not suspect the truth. […] And all through it, Gertrude could not see what was happening. And certainly the Spider smoothed things, elided questions, wiped away evidence, but it barely had to. Far better to feed Gertrude a steady string of plans to foil, and rituals to derail. […] When Emma Harvey awoke to the searing heat, she knew she was already dead. As the fire took her, and left her flesh running off her bones like oil, all she willed was not to give it the satisfaction of being afraid.”

* Down to the detail of Gertrude dealing with it with fire, when it’s been highlighted by The Lightless Flame that The Web is vulnerable to it (Eugene’s statement in MAG139, Agnes against Fielding at Hill Top Road, the spiderwebs burning in Jack Barnabas’s flat when Agnes was waiting for him).

* It’s interesting that Emma didn’t seem to be aware that she was going Web-y? Or, at least, had no particular devotion towards The Web as a concept, and felt like she was simply doing her stuff – like she got involved with the Fears, and they twisted natural traits into something terrible. Or is it that The Web was using her and hollowing her out without her being aware?

* We know that Raymond Fielding’s house burned on Hill Top Road around 1974, and that Annabelle was “created” (shortly?) before November 2010. There was a gap in Web avatars/activity in that time, potentially filled by Neil Lagorio (culminating with Annabelle visiting him in 2012). But Emma’s activity does coincide nicely in-between Fielding and Annabelle – was the Web focusing on her in that time, until the tree got uprooted at Hill Top Road?

* It was already a surprise in MAG145 to learn that The Web had been active in the Archives during Gertrude’s youth (it didn’t arrive there with Jon and Neil Lagorio’s original cuts), I’m even more surprised to learn that it had rooted itself this deep and so close to Gertrude back then. It couldn’t have been closer to an Archivist than by touching an assistant! (Well. Or by touching/marking/digging its roots into an actual Archivist. *squint at Jon*)

* Emma really reminded me of Leitner experimenting on his assistants, and of Annabelle’s creation? It’s interesting that “arts/stories” and “experiments (on humans)” seem to be the two main Web-related activities. It’s also interesting that Emma’s experiments… led to Fiona and Sarah being touched by multiple Fears (and just barely escaping them), as if prepping the modus operandi for Jon?

* I’m still REALLY surprised that Emma didn’t turn out to be the Quintessence of Beholding budding associates; Webholding…?

* … My main question being: if Emma turned out to be Web, HOW COME Jonah Magnus is officially of the Beholding. I MEAN.

(MAG092) ELIAS: Jonah Magnus did leave him in that place, Jon. He got the letter, oh yes, and was on good terms with Mordechai Lukas. He could have interceded, perhaps even saved him, but he did not. And it was not out of malice, or because he lacked affection for Barnabas Bennett: he retrieved those bones sadly enough when the time came. Bones that you can still find in my office, if you know where to look. No, it was because he was curious. Because he had to know, to watch and see it all. That’s what this place is, Jon, never forget it.

(MAG160, Jonah Magnus) “When Smirke first gathered our little band – Lukas, Scott and the rest – to discuss and hypothesise on the nature of the things he had learned from Rayner… I felt what I believe we all felt: curiosity, and fear.”

Down to the “curiosity”?? Sacrificing people just to see what would happen??? That’s textbook what he did??? (But then, I’m REALLY not sure that part of Elias’s head hasn’t been filled with cobwebs for a loooooong time.)

- I’m gonna laugh for a looong time that Elias gracefully allowed murder as long as it didn’t take place within the Archives.

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “It was a trivial matter to convince the man who now watched from the skull of Elias Bouchard to allow it, so long as the deed did not take place within the Archives itself. But it didn’t need to. An employee’s home address is a simple thing to acquire.”

Too much paperwork to fill? Or afraid of fire in the Archives? (I was surprised that he allowed it in the first place, because… what were his feelings towards Emma? Loving that little monster? Annoyed that this little shit was killing off employees and that he had to work on the cover-ups? Frustrated that The Web had invited itself within his Institute? Irritated that their methods looked so alike? With MAG145/MAG158, I had gotten the feeling that Jonah might have tried to smooth over his relationship with Gertrude with the death of James Wright – since Gertrude had identified that he was spying on them, and that Elias&Gertrude seemed to collaborate from time to time afterwards (Gertrude had realised he was Jonah, but Jonah only understood that right before killing her). So maybe it was just to appease Gertrude?)

- Regarding the “curiosity”, really loved how it felt like a form of disease taking hold of the assistants and pushing them to their dooms (taking risks / experimenting on them):

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “Fiona was the most fascinating combination of curiosity and cowardice […]. She had never got deep enough into the mysteries that plagued her to slake that burning curiosity. And she never would. […] But Emma had a sickness. As much as she might have despised the ageing Fiona, it was the same one that plagued her: curiosity. That desperate, grasping need to know. […] There was a fire to Sarah Carpenter, perhaps the one which led to Gertrude hiring her, and Emma’s curiosity ignited once again, this time keen to find out exactly what it would take to break this brave investigator of the unknown.”

And… crying a bit about Sasha and Jon, once again ;;

(MAG026) SASHA: I should really quit, you know. We, we all should. I don’t think this a normal job. I, I don’t think this is a safe job. ARCHIVIST: You’re probably right. Do you want to quit? SASHA: No. I’m just… I’m just too damned curious, I suppose. You? ARCHIVIST: No. Whatever’s going on, I… need to know. Get some rest.

“Curiosity” was something Jon&Sasha both shared… if Sasha had stayed around for longer, would she have turned like Emma over the years/decades…?

- The episode’s title seemed to refer both to Emma (and the assistants)’s “curiosity”, and to Martin’s own – Martin deciding, after the story, that he didn’t want answers to some of his own questions (he learned! ;;). But also, it puts to mind what Jonah had said about Gertrude:

(MAG160, Jonah Magnus) “More than once, I thought [Gertrude] must secretly be of The Hunt, but there was never that sick joy in her, that thrill of predator and prey. She had simply decided that this was her position in life, and went about it with a practicality that even I found disconcerting at times. I once asked her… what drove her, what had started her down that path. She told me The Desolation had killed her cat…!”

Curiosity Kills The Cat. (Though: in this case, it was The Web/curiosity which “killed” Emma.)

I’m also CRYING because this exchange took place in 2013-2014, so after Gertrude had already got rid of Emma:

(MAG162) GERTRUDE: Find anything [ITEM FALLING ON THE GROUND] interesting– GERRY: Oh…! GERTRUDE: –back there? [DOOR CLOSES] GERRY: Yeah, sorry, I was just, hum… yeah. GERTRUDE: Curiosity is a very dangerous trait in our line of work, Gerard. GERRY: So is ignorance.

And what did Gertrude THINK and FEEL when she saw Gerry trespassing and taking an (unauthorised) look at her things? When he looked like he himself was succumbing to “curiosity”?

- Regarding The Web’s threads being involved in the derailing of rituals…

(MAG111) ARCHIVIST: And Gertrude wanted to stop [the rituals]. At… any cost. GERRY: She worked out they’d all be happening quite close together. She’d already been doing it a while, and the Unknowing was the next on her list. That and the Watcher’s Crown.

(MAG134) PETER: There are two Powers that, to my knowledge, have never attempted to fully manifest, never had followers set them up for a ritual: Mother-of-Puppets, and Terminus. The Web, and The End. The Web, I’ve never really been sure about: if I were to guess, I would say it actually prefers the world as is, playing everyone against each other, and so on.

(MAG151) SIMON: And honestly, the idea that this is all some… “grand cosmic joke”, thousands of us running around spreading horror and sabotaging each other pointlessly while these impossible, unknowable things just lurk out there, feeding off the misery we cause… [INHALE] I find that interpretation quite appealing…!

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “By this point, Gertrude was fully lost to her plots and plans and struggles, and as long as her assistants played their parts when asked, she paid them no more mind. And the frequency of genuine encounters grew, as the season of hurried rituals came nearer. […] And all through it, Gertrude could not see what was happening. And certainly the Spider smoothed things, elided questions, wiped away evidence, but it barely had to. Far better to feed Gertrude a steady string of plans to foil, and rituals to derail.

Was it to ensure that they wouldn’t succeed? Or was The Web having its kick with organising and derailing the rituals around? It really reminded me of Simon’s words, the idea that even if rituals weren’t successful… they were still feeding the Fears with the overall commotion.

- Was the man who killed Sarah Diego Molina? He fits the description:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “He was bald, dressed in dreary office clothes. To a cursory examination, unfit and unremarkable, save for his peculiar surroundings. […] He split open like a flower bud blooming, and inside there was only the most terrifying heat. She had no time to run, and by the time she thought to scream it was too late as the thing enveloped her, closing tight – until she was simply more ash, trapped forever inside that charred and hollow shell.”

… And ;_; Gerry killed Diego Molina in December 2011. One or two years before Gertrude would contact him and offer to free him from Mary, and they began their collaboration. Did she feel some gratitude that he had avenged Sarah, back then…?

- Regarding Gertrude’s collaborators, I’m surprised to see Salesa included in the list:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “And with that, Gertrude Robinson was without assistants. She never hired another. She worked with those that seemed useful until they were no longer so: Leitner; Dekker; Keay; even Salesa on occasion. But she never again allowed herself to trust.”

From what we know, Salesa was occasionally selling items to the Institute and had given a few statements (MAG115), but I don’t recall clear-cut examples of them working together. Are we meant to learn a few more things about Salesa…? There is still the mystery of his death (?), the explosion (MMMMM…), the absence of body and the camera being retrieved in Floyd’s statement (MAG141)…

- Alrighty, elephant in the room with this episode: ~*timeline problems*~!

This is the information we had so far regarding the chronology of events surrounding Hill Top Road, Agnes, and the Archives/Institute drama during Gertrude’s tenure:

* Since 1957: Raymond Fielding inherited a house on Hill Top Road, where he raised teenagers for spider egg sacks material. (MAG008)

* In the mid-60s, in the middle of a winter: Agnes was send to Raymond Fielding’s house by The Lightless Flame. (MAG059, MAG139)

[* For the estimated date above: Ronald Sinclair was born in the late 40s and saw Agnes’s arrival before he turned 18; he lived for three years with Raymond Fielding, just managed to escape after Agnes broke the threads binding/puppeteering him. He gave his statement on November 29th 2005. (MAG059)]

* 4th of June 1972: Fiona Law took Nathaniel Thorp’s statement, and Elias “was a filing clerk at the time” – possible slip-up of Jonah who had trouble recalling which body/identity he was using at the time. (MAG029)

* 1973: James Wright becomes Head of the Institute. (MAG049)

* In 1974, a five-year-old named Henry White goes missing near Hill Top Road, is not found; the house burns down shortly after, and Raymond Fielding’s corpse is found, missing its right hand. (MAG008)

* Shortly after (since Gertrude was around 25 years old): Gertrude found “a tin box in the ashes of Hill Top Road” containing strands of Agnes’s hair and, thinking she was working on a counter-ritual, was manipulated by The Web into binding her existence with Agnes’s. (MAG145)

* 1991: Elias Bouchard began to work at the Institute, in Artefact Storage. (MAG049)

* 1991–1996: Eric managed to quit the Archives, before getting killed by Mary Keay a few months afterwards. He had crossed paths with Elias before he became Head of the Institute, and remembered Emma and Michael fondly; Gertrude was already suspecting (and had shared that information with at least Eric) that James Wright was spying on them through eyes. (MAG154)

* 1996: Elias Bouchard became Head of the Institute / Jonah Magnus body-hopped from James Wright to Elias Bouchard. (MAG049, MAG154, MAG158)

* 1999: Statements were leaked to the public, deteriorating the Institute’s reputation. (MAG068)

* 2003: Fiona Law died “from complications following a liver transplant” according to Jon’s follow-up. (MAG029)

* August 2003 and some time after: Paul McKenzie left his statement on August 24th 2003, and Sarah Carpenter was sent to investigate, took pictures of his house. (MAG027)

* Autumn 2006: Jack Barnabas went on a few dates with Agnes Montague, as described in a statement left on March 18th 2007. (MAG067)

* Mid-November 2006: Ivo Lensik reported the strange occurrences happening in a house on Hill Top Road, crossing paths with Father Edwin Burroughs. He left his statement on March 13th 2007. (MAG008)

* 23rd of November 2006: Agnes Montague and Jack Barnabas went on a final date; on an impulse, Ivo Lensik hit Hill Top Road’s tree, which started bleeding, and then proceeded to “destroy” it. He found a wooden box containing a green apple, which turned into spiders; Agnes made a phonecall about a “tree falling” and gathered members of the Lightless Flame in her flat in Sheffield, one of them bringing a container full of tiny spiders; Agnes told Jack goodbye, kissed him at his request, and was later found hanged in her flat, with a human hand tied by a chain to her waist. (MAG008, MAG067)

* 30th of November 2006: Eugene Vanderstock was sent on Arthur Nolan’s behalf to tell Gertrude about Agnes’s death. (MAG139)

* 2nd of September 2007: during one of Gertrude’s recordings, her assistant Michael is heard on tape. (MAG099)

* 3rd of July 2008: Mary Keay visited Gertrude in the Archives, left Eric’s page with Gertrude. (MAG062)

* 21st of July 2008: Gertrude invoked Eric’s page and had a conversation with him. Eric mentioned that Emma and Michael were “nice” to him when he was working in the Archives. (MAG154)

* June 2008: Gertrude fed the Vast-touched Jan Kilbride to the pit, stopping The Buried’s ritual. (MAG097, MAG126)

* October 2008: Gertrude, with Adelard’s help, stopped The Flesh’s ritual. (MAG130)

* 2nd of February 2009: Arthur Nolan was ~invited~ by Gertrude for a talk, and they discussed amongst other things Agnes’s death, Eugene’s report of it two years earlier, Gertrude’s protective ritual having been disrupted and things having gone badly for the trespasser. Gertrude told Arthur that she had never met Agnes. (MAG145)

* “in the middle of February” [2009]: Jason North discovered and disrupted Gertrude’s ritual hidden in a forest in Scotland, was cursed by The Desolation, left his statement on August 6th 2009. (MAG037)

* Early October 2009: Deborah Madaki reported having received an invitation to assist The-Worker-In-Clay in Sannikov Land. She left her statement on October 11th 2009 and said she had received the letter a week earlier. (MAG126)

* ??? in-between: Gertrude took Michael to Sannikov Land and used him to disrupt The Spiral’s ritual, making him fuse with The Distortion. (MAG101)

* By 2011: Gertrude had lost all her assistants – Leitner mentioned in February 2017 that he had met Gertrude “about six years ago, after she’d lost the last of her own assistants”. (MAG080)

* 14th of August 2013: Adelard Dekker sent a last message to Gertrude, informing her of his incoming death. (MAG157)

* Around 2013: Gertrude and Gerry began to work together, for two years until Gerry’s death. (MAG111)

-> Michael replaced Fiona. Since Eric had left before Elias became Head of the Institute and worked with Michael, it means that Fiona was imprisoned by the Coffin before 1996 – although she was reported dead in 2003 from complication following a liver transplant (MAG029).

Proposition: anyway she was a prisoner in the Coffin, so there was no body found, and the operation-thing was just a cover-up. Back then, seven years were necessary before a missing person was presumed dead; so she could have disappeared anytime, and the Institute/Elias finally decided on a cover-up years later, when it was safer, to clean the records. (+ given how Jon asked Elias directly in MAG029, it’s possible that Jon got the information about Fiona’s “death” from him, and he could have falsified/provided whatever).

-> … really really more bothering: the idea that Agnes and Gertrude met after Gertrude had fed Michael to The Spiral. Considering that the day of Agnes’s death was reported multiple times as being the 23rd of November 2006; that Michael-as-an-assistant was recorded in September 2007; that the Great Twisting happened after October 2009. So, when Agnes had been dead for three years.

Jonny’s allusions to it doesn’t feel like it was intentional, but rather that it was a genuine mistake, which ;; (What is the fun in trying to unravel some mysteries if some information is accidentally contradictory, aarrrrg…). If it were to be intentional, I would suggest that Agnes… actually managed to free herself from The Desolation by self-sacrificing for them (in the same way that Eric quit the Archives by blinding himself), and hid from them afterwards? Or that she was a fire ghost, or that Gertrude met with her at Hill Top Road, where we know from Ivo Lensik and Anya Vilette that time is weird (Anya experiencing time differently, Ivo meeting with a young Ray Fielding and catching a glimpse of Agnes as a kid)?

If the Great Twisting indeed happened circa late 2009-2011, and Gertrude met Agnes “in some manner or shape” afterwards, it would mean that her declaration to Arthur in February 2009 wasn’t a lie:

(MAG145) GERTRUDE: Well, for all The Web bound us together, I never actually met her. What was she like?

Since she would only meet Agnes after making that statement.

- SOBBING a lot about the concept of Gertrude and Agnes meeting, since:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “The rage she felt was ice-cold. And so, Gertrude went to the one person she was certain she could trust on the matter. Agnes Montague and Gertrude Robinson only ever met once in their lives. Even if The Lightless Flame had allowed it, what would there have been to say? The bond between them, real as it was, was no one’s choice but The Web’s, and neither of them were keen to play its game any further than they had to. Their discussion was brief, and tinged with a melancholy, an awareness of mistakes, of their choices and duties and destinies. Neither of them smiled. But Agnes did confirm what Gertrude knew, and the details of Sarah’s suffering only sharpened that deep and wounded hatred.”

It’s so powerful and beautiful and sad? My shiiiiip…

- Speaking of fire ghosts: could the one mentioned in MAG100 actually be Emma…? (Since it didn’t match with the location of Agnes’s flat.)

- I really liked how this statement humanised Gertrude: season 2 had shown her more in control than Jon previously thought, aware of what was happening around her; season 3 cemented that she knew how to navigate and survive around the Fears, cruelly efficient (feeding Michael to The Spiral and then able to protect herself from him, being work-orientated in Gerry’s eyes…); season 4 had shown her in control, but also needing to think and discover things (learning that The Slaughter didn’t need to be one of her concerns in MAG137) and not immune to getting manipulated (The Web binding her to Agnes in MAG145). I like how this episode really conveyed that Gertrude… hadn’t grown out of thin air; that, yes, she impressively managed to survive for so long in that world (around fifty years!), but that what we heard from her… was mostly her last twenty years of life. She used to be young! To operate slightly differently! She made mistakes, and hardened herself, and even though she traded sentimentality for a form of “efficiency”, it wasn’t perfect, she made her choices and they had consequences:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “Alongside this inherited survivor, Gertrude would add two more assistants: Eric Delano, and Emma Harvey. They were young, like her, keen to delve deeper into those strange secrets that back then were spoken of more openly. To them, Fiona seemed something of a joke; a middle-aged chatterbox who told stories of the Blitz and jumped at the long shadows in the corners of the Archives. Emma in particular was Gertrude’s confidante, the one whose knowledge and instincts she trusted, and the only other member of the Institute who ever knew of the strange bond between Gertrude and Agnes Montague. […] This time, Gertrude did have an inkling as to what was happening, but had her own escalating conflicts to concern herself with, and recognised the potential in a truly ignorant assistant. […] By this point, Gertrude was fully lost to her plots and plans and struggles, and as long as her assistants played their parts when asked, she paid them no more mind. […] And all through it, Gertrude could not see what was happening. And certainly the Spider smoothed things, elided questions, wiped away evidence, but it barely had to. Far better to feed Gertrude a steady string of plans to foil, and rituals to derail. […] And with that, Gertrude Robinson was without assistants. She never hired another. She worked with those that seemed useful until they were no longer so: Leitner; Dekker; Keay; even Salesa on occasion. But she never again allowed herself to trust.”

True, Gertrude worked as an Archivist wayyy longer that Jon; he probably would have worked differently over time too, experienced more losses, changed his mind about a few things over decades. But it’s interesting that Jon’s trajectory, right now, has been the reverse of Gertrude’s; where she decided to stop trusting, he…

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: Still, it does sometimes make it hard to… fully trust them, I– [SIGH] You– you know what, no. I’m… I’m done with that. No more paranoia. It’s almost got me killed more than once, and… Georgie was right. If I am… slipping, then I need people I can trust. And I… I don’t think that can happen naturally for me an–anymore, so… I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them.

(It wasn’t pitch-perfect trust: he dissimulated that he had been attacking people from Daisy&Basira&Melanie in season 4. He trusted Martin but ultimately decided that the news of Adelard being dead and acknowledging that he might have been wrong about The Extinction was a deal-breaker and that he needed to help/save Martin from Peter’s plans. But he also decided to save them at all costs: rescuing Daisy in the Coffin, sharing the information about how to cut oneself from the Archives to Basira and Melanie, allowing Melanie to escape, and saving Martin in The Lonely.)

- Aaaaand the answer to whether or not Martin was going to immediately tell Jon about Annabelle’s call seems to be… no. Since Jon used his powers to find out about it.

(MAG167) [CLICK–] [FOOTSTEPS] [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: Help us with what? MARTIN: ‘xcuse me? ARCHIVIST: Annabelle, help us with “what”? Our–our, our journey, killing Elias, vanishing the Entities – what? [FOOTSTEPS STOP] MARTIN: Please don’t do that. ARCHIVIST: Do what…? Oh! Oh. Right, I, I see, yes. [STATIC FADES] Well, I– … [FOOTSTEPS RESUME] Sorry.

But it was apparently still on Martin’s mind, so… even if she had told him things he already knew, it had been enough to make him insecure/ill-at-ease. And to not share with Jon. (Because he feared that Jon would panic over The Web and what Annabelle was doing, trying to second-guess and getting lost in interrogations? Confirmed by the way Jon erupted into questions as soon as he Knew about the exchange.)

- The fact Jon did another breach of privacy, while confirming that he had more control, felt very well-handled to me?

(MAG167) MARTIN: It doesn’t… feel great, having someone looking inside your head…! ARCHIVIST: You can… feel it? MARTIN: No, but that’s hardly the point– ARCHIVIST: Oh! MARTIN: –Jon… ARCHIVIST: No, I see. Sorry, hum… Alright…< MARTIN: I mean, I don’t want to keep secrets from you, but– ARCHIVIST: You should at least… be able to. MARTIN: Basically, yeah…! ARCHIVIST: I–I suppose that’s fair. […] MARTIN: You said you could control it now. ARCHIVIST: I can, I–I just… It… [INHALE] You’re absolutely right. I will refrain from knowing anything about you. MARTIN: Thank you. ARCHIVIST: Unless you’re in danger. MARTIN: Physical danger. If I’m in danger of being mad at you or something– ARCHIVIST: I… [SIGH] MARTIN: –you’ve got to figure it out the old-fashioned way. ARCHIVIST: Fine, agreed.

* “It doesn’t feel great having someone looking inside your head” => HI. REMINDER OF WHAT ELIAS DID TO HIM IN MAG118. It’s trigger-potential territory for him, so Martin honestly took it kind of well, considering his own experiences?

* Mmmm, setting up a situation where Martin will be in physical danger and Jon would have to use his powers to try to reach him again…?

* ! Jon messed up on his first instinctive preoccupation (whether his powers were hurting Martin and/or whether the subject could feel something when he did), but he quickly understood the nature of the problem – that Martin should have the freedom to choose to keep things for himself, that there is an imbalance, and that, plainly, it’s making Martin uncomfortable so, if Jon values Martin’s comfort, he should stop. I like how it felt like both of them worked on finding a consensus? Overall, I really liked how Martin managed to express his discomforts and when Jon’s powers were bothering/frightening him; he didn’t shame Jon for it, but didn’t fall in the trap of bottling up his feelings either. At the core of it, he still has the fear of losing Jon – so, it’s good that he was able to convey his discomfort.

(I feel like next step should be about Jon’s own discomfort about using Beholding powers to murder monsters, but I feel like they might be laying groundwork for this and for Martin to acknowledge that Jon… is still ill-at-ease with it and about his situation, and that clinging to his discomfort has also prevented him from going full-monster until now. We’ll see!)

- There is a discrepancy about Martin’s description of Annabelle’s call, and the call itself, and I’m not sure what to think about it:

(MAG166) MARTIN: Hello? ANNABELLE: Hello? Is that Martin? MARTIN: Don’t do that. ANNABELLE: What? No stomach for games? MARTIN: Well, your “games” aren’t exactly fun for everyone, are they? ANNABELLE: Very few games are…! MARTIN: [SIGH] Look, look, look, I’m talking to Annabelle Cane, right? ANNABELLE: You never gave me your name – so why should I offer mine? MARTIN: Just, what do you want? ANNABELLE: I want to help you, of course. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … No. Thank you. ANNABELLE: It’s a hard place to find yourself in, maybe I can be of some… assistance…! MARTIN: You can assist me by giving the… “creepy phone” thing a rest…! ANNABELLE: He is more powerful here than he’s ever been, isn’t he? [PAUSE] And you’re not sure what that means for you. MARTIN: [INHALE] I’m hanging up now. ANNABELLE: Does he even need you at all? MARTIN: Bye! [BEEP]

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … So. What did Annabelle say? MARTIN: She offered to help, but she didn’t say what with; she… asked us where we were going. I didn’t tell her, but… [SNORT] it was pretty obvious she had a good idea. ARCHIVIST: Did you… feel like she was… influencing your mind at all? MARTIN: I don’t think so, but I mean… who knows? ARCHIVIST: I could. MARTIN: But look. She didn’t control me into asking you not to look into my head, if that’s what you’re thinking. That’s all me. ARCHIVIST: Martin, I’m not… looking for a l–loophole. MARTIN: Well, good! ‘cause this isn’t one.

Jon had already uncovered the bit about Annabelle offering her “help”; but after that… on the one hand, Annabelle didn’t ask about their destination at all (contrary to what Martin said); and on the other hand, she needled Martin about Jon’s powers and whether or not Jon needed him (which Martin didn’t mention at all).

It could be faulty memory – that Martin got the impression she was probing about their destination, and that it became part of the exchange for him. It could be to test whether Jon was still using his powers (he wasn’t, we didn’t hear static, but Martin couldn’t have known). It could be a deliberate lie.

Personally, I would lean towards the interpretation that Martin was indeed checking whether Jon was still using his powers (it’s not a damaging lie: Annabelle knew when and where to contact him, so they’re quite clearly monitored already and Annabelle probably does know where they’re heading to and why); and didn’t mention the other part of his exchange with Annabelle because… he managed to get his answers in his own ways, without having to “involve” The Web in his discussion with Jon. If Martin had mentioned that Annabelle had asked him whether Jon needed him, would Jon have answered this easily that Martin was his reason? Or would Jon have panicked, thinking The Web might be manipulating him into saying it?

- Anyway, I feel like this episode might have been exactly what Annabelle was trying to instigate last time, which is… to get Jon&Martin to talk about their feelings, and for Martin to get a reassurance from Jon that he wasn’t managing to ask for, and that Jon had trouble wording without being pushed by the context.

(MAG167) MARTIN: [INHALE] [SNORT] Ssso. If you say Gertrude wouldn’t have been able to go on without a reason… ARCHIVIST: Yes, Martin, you are my reason. MARTIN: Just wanted to make you say it…! ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] MARTIN: Cool.

Not sure that it was what Annabelle was aiming for, but it’s a possibility: that she needed Martin to be reassured before they would reach The Lonely’s domain or something, because she wants them to get through.

(I loved Jon’s tone! I pictured him rolling his eyes because there was no way to say it without sounding too sappy to his own ears =D)

- Jon The Theatre Kid confirmed.

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: … Methinks the Spider doth protest too much…! [BAG JOSTLING] MARTIN: Jon. ARCHIVIST: Joking! Just joking.

(Fun fact: in the play, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks” is pronounced… by Queen Gertrude. Jon, please.)

(It’s a joke, and a bit of truth and self-derision at the same time: how The Web… made Jon second-guess everything. When The Web tells you to go into X direction, is it reverse-psychology? Reverse-reverse psychology? So Martin denying being under influence could just be the proof of influence, or genuine. No way to know! But Jon has made the choice to trust him.)

- I felt like Martin was still… touched-by-Beholding in this one, mainly because of his probing, but also learning to keep his own curiosity/questions in check to not fall into the Fears’ influence?

(MAG167) MARTIN: [DEEP INHALE] Why did it have to be us? ARCHIVIST: You’d rather be a bystander? Trapped in… one of those places? MARTIN: I don’t know. “No”…? I just… [INHALE] I bet Gertrude would be able to do this, you know? She, she would eat a hellscape like this for breakfast…! [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: I… don’t think she would have done very well here… MARTIN: No? ARCHIVIST: No… MARTIN: Do you… know that…? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: [DEEP INHALE] “To say that Gertrude Robinson never had a friend would not be true. […]” MARTIN: Well, let’s… try to avoid that next time…! ARCHIVIST: … Yes. Quite. MARTIN: [EXHALE] So, what? Without assistants, she’d be bad at the apocalypse? [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] ARCHIVIST: Wi–without… trust, without a, a reason… Gertrude needed both the purpose her mission gave her, and the control her position allowed. To be here, like us, without a, [INHALE] a reason, without someone to ground her, she… She’d have power but… no control. No real… purpose. Perhaps she’d dedicate herself to a, a doomed quest like us, but– … [QUIET] No… I think this would have broken her. And she’d have resigned herself to… ruling her domain. MARTIN: What domain? [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] ARCHIVIST: We all have a domain here, Martin. The place that feeds us. MARTIN: Oh. [PAUSE] Where’s yours? ARCHIVIST: [MIRTHLESS CHUCKLE] I mean, we’re… traveling towards it. MARTIN: Oh! Right, obviously. [CHUCKLING] Duh. Hum… What about me? ARCHIVIST: … Would you… like me to… ? MARTIN: No, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. ARCHIVIST: … Okay!

* I felt like there really was a progression from Martin, from asking and asking (and accidentally making Jon spill about Gertrude’s life) to… refraining himself and choosing that he would rather not know about things that are not impacting him right now.

* ;; So, Martin has a “domain”, “the place that feeds us”. I’m… not sure about what Jon meant by “us”: monsters and avatars? That would be acknowledging that Martin indeed is regarded as one after his involvement with The Lonely? Or is it about everyone, and the places are “feeding” people through their own fears? After all, they don’t need to drink or eat or sleep – what is sustaining them? Are the Fears “feeding” them in turn through the pain they cause to each other, following the “feed it or it will feed from you” that Jude had told Jon?

* If Martin has a domain… Where? Hill Top Road? The Panopticon?

(MAG158) PETER: It’s a significant site of power for The Beholding. From the tower in the centre of this room, you can see everything. MARTIN: But there’s nothing in the cells…! PETER: [CHUCKLING] I don’t mean the cells, Martin – I mean everything. […] I want to use the powers of this place to learn about The Extinction: what it’s doing, where it’s manifesting. Then we can stop it. MARTIN: And you need me for this? PETER: Correct! Without a connection to The Eye, any attempt to use it would likely end… very messily indeed! But thankfully, it just so happens that you hold such a connection. MARTIN: So that’s it… Both “lonely” and “watching”. PETER: You must admit you’re the perfect candidate. MARTIN: I suppose I am.

“Both Lonely and Watching”, so…

* I really loved how that episode made it clear that… right now, Gertrude wouldn’t have been able to do what Jon & Martin are doing. That Gertrude was good at some things, bad at others. That there are things that only Jon&Martin can do, that they don’t have to live in her shadow. It follows what Jon said at the end of MAG162, that Gertrude didn’t think there would be a way to reverse the apocalypse – but also that they’re not her, and will try to find one themselves.

(* I’M WORRIED, THOUGH, THAT JON SAID THEY WERE ON A “DOOMED QUEST”? NOT VERY OPTIMISTIC ARE WE ;;)

- Gertrude might have crumbled if she had been plunged into the apocalypse, and Jon&Martin aren’t since they have each other… So there was this part of relief, of removing one’s guilt a bit about not being “enough”, that we also found with what happened this episode:

(MAG163) MARTIN: Jon… ARCHIVIST: They sit here – [STATIC RISES] the image of everyone they hold dear locked in their mind, knowing they’ll never see them again. Waiting for the order; dreading the bullet or the drone or the barbed wire that will tear them to shreds and leave them nothing but a bloody– [STATIC REACHING A PEAK] MARTIN: J–Jon, enough! Enough! [STATIC FADES] … Please don’t tell me these things.

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: I… don’t think she would have done very well here… MARTIN: No? ARCHIVIST: No… MARTIN: Do you… know that…? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: [DEEP INHALE] “To say that Gertrude Robinson never had a friend would not be true. […] . But she never again allowed herself to trust.” [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] [STATIC] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] I, I–I’m sorry, I–I didn’t, hum… MARTIN: No! No, it’s, uh… I–it’s okay. [COUGH] I just… I couldn’t… not listen, or interrupt, or… ARCHIVIST: I–I–I promise I–I didn’t know I was going to do that…! MARTIN: I, I understand…!

Back in MAG163, Martin had managed to interrupt Jon, which was not the case this time around – probably because he didn’t recognise what was happening as a statement soon enough? But since Martin was “trapped” in the flow of the story… it’s also confirming something that wasn’t addressed, but could have been a cause of guilt on Martin’s side: the thought that perhaps, if he had been there in MAG160, he could have stopped Jon from reading Jonah’s letter. If this episode was any indication, no, he wouldn’t have been able to. His not being there didn’t change anything.

- Reaaaally curious because the way Martin described it reminds me of Jonathan Fanshawe in front of Albrecht:

(MAG127, Jonathan Fanshawe) “Again he ignored me. Instead, he took the seat opposite me, and started to tell me… a story. And then another. And another. A stream of… strange tales began to pour out of him, and I just sat there, transfixed, [STATIC] desperately wishing I had the strength of will to stand and leave, but all I could do… was listen. […] He told me so many terrible things. [STATIC FADES] And at the end of it all, the only thing I could think to ask him… was where he read them. […] [STATIC] ‘You do not understand,’ he said to me in German. ‘I do not read the books. They read me.’ [STATIC FADES]”

Was Albrecht Jonah’s first attempt at creating an Archivist…?

- I’m still wondering WHO is narrating in Jon’s statements this season… a few “you” and “I”:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: [DEEP INHALE] “To say that Gertrude Robinson never had a friend would not be true. She was close in her way to many people but, looking back, [STATIC FADES] I wonder if she ever realised just how strongly she herself reeked of The Lonely.”

Is it Jon-as-an-omniscient-entity-that-might-be-The-Archivist/Archives? Is it something else…?

- I feel like this episode also brought an interesting contrast to season 4 overall. On the one hand, we had Jon admitting that Martin was his “reason” (anchor?) to not crumble, to keep moving forwards as long as they’re together; that’s… a healthier approach than Jon being Martin’s “reason” in season 4:

(MAG158) MARTIN: I… When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. Jon was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into had trapped me into spreading evil, and I… I really didn’t care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but honestly? We didn’t even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed. And then… [SHAKILY] Jon came back, and… and suddenly, I had a reason: I had to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control, so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away… so what? I’d already grieved for him, and if it meant now saving him, it was worth it!

… where Jon was Martin’s “reason” to push forwards into sacrificing more bits of himself. (A shift might have happened with Jon making Martin see him in MAG159, but I wonder if we’ll go back to Jon-as-Martin’s-reason too, and whether Martin has changed his opinion about it. In what aspect is Jon “Martin’s reason”, nowadays?)

The other contrast is about Jon’s self-destructiveness – I’ve seen a lot of discussion about it, but I didn’t really feel like the end of episode was tense, or horrible for Jon, or that Martin was being insensitive by twisting the knife in a wound?

(MAG167) MARTIN: Oh, ju–, uh, just, uh… Before we do. ARCHIVIST: Mm? MARTIN: A moment ago, when you were talking. ARCHIVIST: Right. MARTIN: The old Archivist, Angus. ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] MARTIN: You said Fiona was… “released”– ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: –when he died. ARCHIVIST: … Yes. MARTIN: If you had died… ARCHIVIST: [FAINT EXHALE] MARTIN: … Would the others have been able to quit? ARCHIVIST: … Yes. [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] I didn’t know. MARTIN: If you had… would you have told them? Would that have, have changed what happened? ARCHIVIST: … [SIGH] I don’t know, Martin. I… [PAUSE] I don’t know. [BAG JOSTLING] [FOOTSTEPS] [CLICK.]

… I actually felt like it was Progress regarding Jon, and how he valued his own life.

First of: there is a possibility that Jon didn’t want to answer Martin because he knew, was convinced, 100% sure that he would have killed himself to free the others, with or without telling them first. But I find it interesting to think that Jon answered genuinely, that no, he truly doesn’t know if he would have! That he’s slowly admitting to himself… that no, he doesn’t, and has never wanted to die, even when he was ready to take risks, harm himself, endanger his life:

(MAG159) ARCHIVIST: Listen – I know you think you want to be here, I know you think it’s safer and w– … well, maybe it is… But we need you. I need you. MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] No, you don’t. Not really…! Everyone’s alone, but we all survive. ARCHIVIST: I don’t just want to survive! MARTIN: [DISTANT, VOICE ECHOING] I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: Martin… Martin, look at me. Look at me, and tell me what you see.

I still feel like Jon has always clung to the hope that he could make it out somehow, and the end of season 4 had him… acknowledge that he didn’t just want to “survive” – that is, he wants to “live”. He wants some quality of life. He wants something out of living.

But more importantly: season 5 began with a string of interrogations of hypothetic scenarii. What would have happened, if Sasha had been chosen as the Archivist? What would have happened, if they had listened to Gertrude’s testament at the beginning? Here, Jon was able to tell that one of the “what if” scenarii (Gertrude being thrown into the apocalypse) wouldn’t have been better; so him also admitting that he didn’t know whether he would have told the others… might be saying that no. He can’t know. It didn’t happen, since he didn’t know. And if he had known, maybe it wouldn’t have changed a thing; maybe it would have made things worse, too. I feel like it’s more optimistic than “I regret that I didn’t know, because then, I would have done it in a heartbeat”? So, I don’t know, but I felt like Martin’s probing was a way to try to get Jon to acknowledge that… maybe Jon telling the others would have changed things, maybe it wouldn’t have; but mostly, things wouldn’t have been necessarily better if Jon had chosen to sacrifice himself.

(I’m not convinced that Jon would have done it, and I’m not convinced that the others would have tried to kill him (even Tim!), and I’m not convinced that it would have made things better for everyone – by the time there were tensions, Tim probably wouldn’t have wanted to feel like a murderer when he had just been accused of being one, and would still want a shot at revenge for his brother; Melanie was already curious about the ghosts and was already infected by The Slaughter when enrolled; Martin didn’t have many other options for a job and wouldn’t have had a reason to not fall into The Lonely with Peter’s guidance; Daisy would have still been under The Hunt’s influence, and Basira involved with her.)

MAG168’s title is MMM again. I really love how last titles make a lot of sense in retrospect but were so hard when trying to guess! It feels like a lore-heavy one, but probably not twice in a row? But if it’s the case, it could relate to the Institute, to Jon, to Jonah, to Martin.

Fears-wise: could be The End (it has… a connection); I’m obviously thinking about Hill Top Road/Albrecht’s end again, so could be Web-y…

#the magnus archives #tma season 5 #mag167 #tma liveblog #long post/#tma spoilers/

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pass-the-bechdel · 5 years

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend season four full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

100% (seventeen of seventeen).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

47.22%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Thirteen, distinctly over half, and with nine of those hitting or exceeding 50%, and two of those making it to/over the 60% line.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero, unsurprisingly.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Thirty-nine. Sixteen who appeared in more than one episode, five who appeared in at least half the episodes, and two who appeared in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Forty-three. Twenty who appeared in more than one episode, seven who appeared in at least half the episodes, and one who appeared in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Nothing to write home about. It isn’t devoid of good qualities, but it also isn’t half as good as it seems to think it is, and it rarely makes any genuine effort to try (average rating of 3).

General Season Quality:

Patchy. Never regained the highs of the series-best third season, though it showed some potential now and then; likewise, never dragged down the way the show did at its worst in series-low season two, but still definitely wandered in that direction time and again. Comes to a conclusion as predictable as it is boring.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Ok, since full-season reviews for the final season of a show have a tendency to take on strong full-series overtones, I’m gonna keep this simple, and just focus on the way the character’s storylines came around (or didn’t) by the last episode. Considering that they used that abominable time-skip technique to neatly skip major developments yet again, they made it very easy to reflect on what the narrative has positioned as core to the character’s lives.

First, a note on time skips: like any technique, they have their place in a storyteller’s toolbox, and it is completely possible to use them to strong effect. Time skips, in and of themselves, are not the devil, nor are they automatic signs of lazy storytelling - they just need to exist for a good reason. Having serious changes take place in the interim, and dropping the audience into the chaos on the other side so that they can unravel all that change and work out how things developed and how they fit together now after the fact? Great use of a time skip, because it still uses the interim developments for active storytelling, and drives viewer engagement by making you pay attention to put the pieces together. There’s heaps of potential in that, plus you can bring vitality to plot development that might actually have been laborious to watch in real-time; when viewed in retrospect, it can become much more interesting than it would have been as a chronological thread. The two big time skips we had in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Categorically not that. The first one, in season three, was essentially a way of going ‘nothing interesting whatsoever happened in these character’s lives for eight entire months’, which is just abysmal storytelling, and the only real explanation for why they bothered with the time skip at all was that they wanted to fast-track the pregnancy plot (which, I’ll say again, I am still really disturbed by - it meant declaring that absolutely nothing that happened - for Heather, as a pregnant person, or for Darryl as an expectant parent, or for Rebecca as the egg donor who never really addressed her own feelings about her decision (this season limply acknowledged that in one episode, but you know what would have been better? The inclusion of emotional ups and downs over time! It’s only EXACTLY the kind of thing which is deeply pertinent to Rebecca’s mental state!) - none of it was meaningful enough to be worth telling a story about, and that’s depressingly lazy and insulting to the characters, frankly, and NOT just because of my own pregnancy-related feelings). Skipping eight months of your own story without using that missing time for anything is ridiculous (and if you don’t want to waste time on a plot thread, don’t include it in the first place - since the entire baby storyline came to a big zero on character and narrative development anyway, they might as well have not bothered pretending). The entire year they time-skipped in the final episode of this season? Kinda the exact same problem, even though they did include little flashback scenes this time to pretend that anything meaningful happened. If it actually mattered, you shoulda built it into the course of the actual season, instead of handwaving it in at the eleventh hour without any development or fallout. This is not how storytelling works.

And what did we get as the sum total of our character development in the time-skipped year, what action was jumped over and then treated as the culmination of each individual’s life and time on the show? Well, Josh got a new serious girlfriend. One of the better characters on the whole show, a highlight when there was sometimes little light to be had, and he...got a girlfriend. Wow. Josh’s story really went places, huh? Nathaniel? Quit his job and went to work at his favourite place, the zoo, which is a much more interesting development and easily my favourite one, but also, they didn’t build towards that at all. You could be forgiven for forgetting that Nathaniel likes going to the zoo when he’s sad, because that was just a bit from a song one episode, long ago, and the show never reinforced his interest in the zoo outside of that. Objectively, I love this as an end-place for his character, but in the context of his development on-show, it’s kinda out of left field, they did not incorporate it in to his narrative the way they should have if they were gonna use it in this way. Similar problem: Paula, whose Great Achievement was bringing pro bono work to her firm, only, we’d never had any real indication that she was passionate about it before, it was just something she started doing to support Rebecca. This doesn’t feel like a development that actually has anything to do with Paula at all, and it certainly doesn’t bring things around on any part of her personal plot in a way that could be considered meaningful. Valencia finally gets to be engaged, she makes it happen for herself by being the one to propose, and that’s nice but hardly less of a bland culmination than ‘and Josh has a girlfriend’. Darryl’s relationship and child-in-the-making is also ho-hum, and kinda reinforces the idea that they coulda just skipped the stupid Hebecca plot since it was seemingly just a way to preoccupy Darryl while they couldn’t come up with any real story for him, only to have his story end with achieving the same thing he had already spent the previous season achieving, just with a partner involved this time. Heather, Hector, White Josh? No meaningful developments, they were never important. Greg? Something restaurant related? I literally can’t even remember already, that’s how much I don’t care. Why was he even here? Nope, still don’t care.

And then of course, Rebecca. She sure did ‘resolve’ her BPD as a plot point by taking medication, so, not impressed by the way they handled that in the end, and in the meantime she finally realised that her happiness was not and should not be defined by relationships and that she should pursue the things in life which actually make her happy within herself, and that is...exactly the basic conclusion that I assumed this show would come to back when it started. I somehow foolishly thought they would have to have something more up their sleeves than ‘don’t define yourself through your relationship with someone else’, especially after they doubled and tripled down (get it, tripled? Because of the three guys?) on the idea that romance was part of the endgame for Rebecca, literally to the last episode; turning around and pulling a ‘but romance isn’t the most important thing!’ after THAT MUCH time and energy spent on forefronting it in the late stages of the show doesn’t feel like some kind of clever twist, it’s something really obvious that the show had various leaned on at other points in its run, only to return to the romantic centre with a greater and greater vengeance. By this point, blowing off the romances with all three of these other characters that Rebecca had already blown off - numerous times! - in the past isn’t some revelation of character development, it’s just pattern repetition. For the sprinkling of other plot threads they wrapped up for Rebecca this season, each of them applauded to some extent for whatever catharsis they brought, this ultimately ended her story in the most redundant of ways, placing at the core of her story the very same thing that the show had already denounced and restored time and time again. But anyway. This all sounds awfully series-review-ish. The moral of the story is, I hated the final episode with a passion and it made me feel like the entire show was largely pointless viewing, and that’s unfortunate because there were various glimmers of thoughtful wrap-ups across the rest of the season. Anything else, I guess I’ll talk it out in the only place left for it: the full series review.

#Crazy Ex-Girlfriend #Crazy Ex-Girlfriend season four #Bechdel Test #female representation #full season review #Crazy Exgirlfriend

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glitteriztical · 6 years

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Miraculous Fanfics

Hi @ofdragonsandpaladins. Sorry I have to type them here to make it look organized.

Here are the finished fics in my “My Favorite Fanfics” folder:

A Host in Paris by Otoshigo

A friend from Adrien’s past has suddenly appeared after years out of touch. Not only that, but he’s determined to wreak chaos on the model’s love life (or lack of one). Misidentities ensue! Will the students of the Collège Françoise Dupont be able to handle one largerthan-life playboy, Tamaki Suoh?

daydream by clairelutra

you're my daydream you know that i've been thinking about you lately

In which Adrien finds out Ladybug is Marinette, and beats the 'this is fine' dog at his own game.

Girls Night Out by LNC, Squabbler

The fate of Alix Kubdel’s birthday party rests in the pants of one Adrien Agreste.

Glory by Leisey

It was hard to believe, but Chat Noir didn't want to know who was under his Lady’s mask.

If At First You Don't Succeed by Leisey

The course of true love never did run smooth...especially when it involved thirteen wellmeaning classmates, numerous failed plans, a butterfly-loving maniac, and two oblivious lovebirds who won't do as they're told.

In other words, fed up with how Marinette and Adrien refuse to admit their love for one another, their friends band together to play matchmaker.

Macaron kisses by KryallaOrchid

It’s always the little things people notice when they fall in love.

People Write Fanfiction About Me? by TerminalMiraculosis

After the fight with Prime Queen, Marinette and Alya have a chat about whether or not people actually think Ladybug and Chat Noir are dating. One thing leads to another, and suddenly Marinette is reading slow-burn romance fics about her and Chat, feeling very uncomfortable about the whole ordeal. Then she reads one particular story, and things quickly become infinitely more complicated.

Sixty Minutes by mikochan_noda, peonydee

Alya Césaire, award-winning pursuer of truth, is honored with an intimate interview with Ladybug and Chat Noir. However, she doesn't count on finding out certain things that are making her regret asking in the first place.

Stop Doing That by Leisey

When Emma Agreste arrives from the future, Adrien tries to stop her from blurting out spoilers. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Trouble in White by imthepunchlord

Finding your soulmate is supposed to be uplifting, and amazing, and just... miraculous. But for Marinette, it wasn't any of that. Her soulmate, he... he was... What does one do when your soulmate is an akuma?

Unraveled by overworkedunderwhelmed

When her holiday family obligations leave Chat Noir more than willing to pick up the slack, Ladybug comes to a rather startling observation -- one she was shocked to realize she hadn’t picked up on before.

Resolved, Marinette gives her all to make Christmas extra special for her partner.

But even the best laid plans can unravel.

Draw me like one of your French Girls by Baneismydragon

When Chat Noir and Queen Bee get into an argument over who is the hotter superhero, things quickly spiral out of control. Marinette and Nathaniel find themselves drafted into the contest, drawing the strangest commission of their lives and learning a lot more than they ever expected.

THIS FIC WAS THE FIRST ML FIC TO EVER MAKE ME CRY (back in 2016):

My Last Thoughts are of You by SKayLanphear

When a freak accident sends Marinette into critical condition, the only thing she can think about is Chat Noir. Someone had to tell him. Otherwise, he'd never know what had happened to her-why his lady had never returned. And, as it just so happens, Adrien is there with her near the end, so she decides that he can take the message to Chat just as well as anyone. No character death

These are in-progress ones in my bookmarks:

History Repeats Itself by JazzGirl123

Felix Beauchamp and Bridgette Cheng did not have the sweet love story of their successors. Instead, they had one filled with heartache and misfortune.

Years after retiring as Ladybug and Chat Noir, they are reunited in the city of London with the arrival of his nephew and her cousin's class, still oblivious to who was behind the mask.

As they watch Adrien and Marinette dance around each other, old feelings arise and Felix and Bridgette wonder if the answers to their questions are closer than they thought.

Bring Me Back Home by tournee_de_la_ladybug

When an akuma sends Marinette flying into a parallel universe, she can’t help but think her life can’t get any worse. From the strangers surrounding her to the mysteriously cold Félix Agreste, she can’t seem to catch a break. Back home, things are no better as a displaced Bridgette Dupain-Cheng cleanses an akuma and finds her whole world changed with a Chat Noir that doesn’t seem to understand that they aren’t partners - they’re enemies.

You Don't Know Me by Ferisae

When Ladybug suffers a near-fatal accident and is presumed dead, it is up to Adrien - who has discovered Ladybug's secret - to help her through her painstaking recovery and reacquaint her with herself. All this while trying to save Paris on his own without losing himself in the process.

The Kissing Contest by Icedcoffeeslut

*POST REVEAL*

"Are you sickeningly sweet lovebirds up for the challenge?"

when their classmates confront marinette and adrien for being overly affectionate, they challenge them to a kissing contest to see who can refrain from kissing the other the longest. both adrien and marinette must attempt to seduce, trick, and set up their partner so that they won't suffer the consequences of losing

Lucky Fox Paradox by imthepunchlord

After the failure with Stoneheart, Marinette had successfully given up the earrings and thought that was that. That she was done with the hero business. Done with anything miraculous. She was wrong. And her actions sparked off a great change of events.

There are several more here on my bookmarks but I recommend checking these out first!

Oh before I forget, the following will be fics I haven’t read yet but are loved by the fandom:

Lucky Us by PrincessKitty1

-AU- Marinette Dupain-Cheng's life isn't going as planned: twenty-six, recently dumped, and running her parents' bakery. The highlights of her day are the emails sent by her mysterious pen pal, Chat Noir. That is, until handsome model Adrien Agreste starts swinging by the bakery after hours. But how is he to know the Ladybug he loves is standing right in front of him?

Serendipitous Fate by SKayLanphear

Adrien is excited to reveal his true identity, while Marinette is terrified. But Master Fu says they can't afford to be distant any longer. Chat Noir and Ladybug are meant to work in tandem both in and out of uniform, their strength stemming from the bond created between them. Yet, teenagers are sometimes better at dancing blind than running with wide open eyes, even with the steps laid out before them.

Steps in the path of an expanding world. Apart, they'll flounder. But together, they might just stand a chance.

Takes place following season 1.

Enjoy reading!

#fanfic rec #ml

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frmartinshomiliesandreflections · 4 years

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26th July >> Fr. Martin’s Gospel Reflections / Homilies on Matthew 13:44-52 for The Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year A: ‘The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field’.

Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year A

Gospel (Europe, Africa, New Zealand, Australia & Canada)

Matthew 13:44-52

He sells everything he owns and buys the field

Jesus said to the crowds, ‘The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field which someone has found; he hides it again, goes off happy, sells everything he owns and buys the field.

‘Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls; when he finds one of great value he goes and sells everything he owns and buys it.

‘Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a dragnet cast into the sea that brings in a haul of all kinds. When it is full, the fishermen haul it ashore; then, sitting down, they collect the good ones in a basket and throw away those that are no use. This is how it will be at the end of time: the angels will appear and separate the wicked from the just to throw them into the blazing furnace where there will be weeping and grinding of teeth.

‘Have you understood all this?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ And he said to them, ‘Well then, every scribe who becomes a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like a householder who brings out from his storeroom things both new and old.’

Gospel (USA)

Matthew 13:44–52

He sells all that he has and buys the field.

Jesus said to his disciples: “The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field, which a person finds and hides again, and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant searching for fine pearls. When he finds a pearl of great price, he goes and sells all that he has and buys it. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net thrown into the sea, which collects fish of every kind. When it is full they haul it ashore and sit down to put what is good into buckets. What is bad they throw away. Thus it will be at the end of the age. The angels will go out and separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.

“Do you understand all these things?” They answered, “Yes.” And he replied, “Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old.”

Reflections (5)

(i) Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

I came across a quotation from the nineteenth century American novelist Nathaniel Hawthorne recently, ‘Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you’. Is happiness something to be sought, or does it find you? Hawthorne suggests that happiness finds you if you dispose yourself to receiving it. His insight is reflected in the first of the three parables in today’s gospel reading. The poor labourer who was working in someone else’s field wasn’t seeking after a treasure that would bring him happiness. In a sense the treasure found him, happiness alighted upon him, without any seeking after it on his part. When he stumbled upon this unexpected treasure, in his joy he sells all he had so as to purchase the field and its treasure. The joy of receiving the treasure gave him the energy and freedom to take the risk of selling all he owned, so as to keep possession of this wonderful treasure which brought him so much joy.

Jesus says that the kingdom of heaven has something in common with this situation. By the term ‘kingdom of heaven’, Jesus doesn’t simply mean eternal life in God’s kingdom. The kingdom of heaven is as much a present reality as a future one. It is life together under God, life lived in response to God’s love for us through Jesus. It is life lived in relationship with God through our shared friendship with Jesus. It is a life shaped by the Holy Spirit who empowers us to befriend others in the way that the Lord has befriended us. Such a life brings us a joy that no earthly reality can bring us, a sharing in the Lord’s own joy. In the parable, Jesus is saying that this wonderful reality of the Lord’s loving relationship with us and ours with him is a treasure that is often stumbled upon. It is not always the end result of a long search. In the words of Hawthorne, this treasure and the happiness it brings can alight upon us when we are least expecting it, perhaps when we are sitting down quietly somewhere. Somehow, without looking for it, we have a sense of grace touching us, of the Lord alighting upon us. We sense not so much that we have found the Lord, but that he has found us. We have allowed him to find us, perhaps even in spite of ourselves. The Lord seeks us out even when we are not seeking him. In the gospel of Luke, Jesus refers to himself as ‘the Son of Man came to seek out and save the lost’. The Lord is always seeking us, which is why we can stumble upon him at any time, in any place, just as the labourer stumbled upon treasure in another man’s field. The Lord seeks out all. The third parable in today’s gospel suggests that his gracious love is like a great net thrown over all.

The second short parable in today’s gospel reading is very like the first parable, but it differs from it in important ways. The primary character is not a poor labourer but a wealthy merchant. He too finds a treasure, a pearl of great price. However, he doesn’t stumble upon it. He has been looking for a pearl like this all his life. The finding of this unique pearl brings him such joy that he too is prepared to sell everything he owns to possess it. Again, Jesus begins this parable by saying, ‘the kingdom of heaven is like this’. Life under God, life lived in friendship with Jesus, life inspired and shaped by the Holy Spirit, is like this. There is a pearl of great price here that is often found by those who seek it. Whereas the first parable highlighted the priority of the Lord’s search for us, meaning we can stumble upon him when we are least expecting to, this second parable acknowledges the value of our own seeking the Lord. Both are important in the gospels. The Lord who came to seek out the lost also says to us, ‘Seek and you will find’. In the gospels the Lord is very well disposed to all who were searching for a fuller light, a greater truth, a more generous love. The person of Nicodemus comes to mind who came to Jesus by night, stumbling out of the darkness towards the light. He would eventually help to provide Jesus with a dignified burial. The rich young man is another seeker who came to Jesus asking, ‘What must I do to inherit eternal life?’ The gospel says that Jesus ‘looking at him, loved him’. The Lord will always respond to our searching spirit, offering himself to us as the treasure, the pearl, who can satisfy our deepest longings and as the source of present and ultimate happiness. The two parables suggest that when we do find this treasure, whether by accident or after a long search, it is worth sacrificing a great deal to hold onto it. We have all been graced in some way by this treasure of the Lord. Today’s gospel reading calls on us to value the Lord and all he offers us, to invest ourselves in this treasure.

And/Ore

(ii) Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

You sometimes hear it said that he or she is very ambitious. As a rule, such an observation is not meant as a complement. Yet, ambition in itself is neither negative nor positive. What determines whether ambition is praiseworthy or blameworthy is the object of our ambition. Today’s first reading presents us with an expression of praiseworthy ambition. In response to the Lord’s invitation, ‘Ask what you would like me to give you’, Solomon replied, ‘give your servant a heart to understand how to discern between good and evil’. Solomon’s desire to have the wisdom he would need to govern God’s people justly was an acceptable ambition in the Lord’s eyes.

The Lord’s invitation to Solomon, ‘ask what you would like me to give you’, finds an echo in the question that Jesus once asked of his disciples, ‘What is it you want me to do for you?’ In responding to Lord’s invitation and his question, we reveal what it is we really value. The first two parables in today’s gospel reading suggest that our primary ambition as followers of Jesus is to be for ‘the kingdom of heaven’. What is meant by ‘the kingdom of heaven’, or, its equivalent, ‘the kingdom of God’? The clue to its meaning is to be found in the opening petitions of the Lord’s Prayer that Jesus gave to his disciples, ‘Hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done’. To be ambitious for the kingdom of heaven is to be ambitious that God’s will be done. The disciple of Jesus is someone who wants what God wants and who lives accordingly. It is Jesus who revealed God’s will for our lives and who embodied that will in how he lived and died. To be ambitious for God’s kingdom then is to be ambitious to become true images of God’s Son. This is certainly God’s ambition for us; in the words of today’s second reading God always intended us to become true images of his Son. Our task is to make our ambition for ourselves and for others conform to God’s ambition for us.

According to our second reading, God wants his Son to be the eldest of many brothers and sisters who bear the image of his Son. God wants a universal family every one of whose members bears the image of God’s own beloved Son. God’s ambition is essentially communitarian in nature. To that extent our ambition for ourselves is inseparable from our ambition for others. We are to be ambitious for a community of people who are living images of God’s Son, because this is what God wants. This is the treasure in the field, the pearl of great price. Such a community is what the Book of Revelation speaks of as the heavenly city, the new Jerusalem, which will emerge at the end of time when God has overcome all the powers of evil. Yet, it is God’s ambition, and ours, that the shape of such a city would be visible among us now. That is why Jesus calls on us to pray, ‘Your will be done on earth as in heaven’. Our earthly communities are to reflect the heavenly community of the end of time.

We can sometimes, to our amazement, stumble upon the kind of community that God wants, where God’s will is done, like the poor farm labourer who unexpectedly came upon treasure hidden in the field where he was working. He was not looking for any treasure at the time; without searching, he found something of great worth. Like this farm labourer, we too can be surprised by joy as we unexpectedly discover an expression of God’s kingdom in the here and now. Like the farm labourer, we may be moved by this joyful discovery to let go of our old ways of living so as to embrace this treasure that speaks to us of God who is Love.

The main character in the second parable Jesus speaks is not a poor farm labourer but a rich merchant who does not unexpectedly stumble upon a treasure he had not been looking for. Rather, he had invested a great deal of himself in searching for a pearl of great price. Eventually, his painstaking search paid off and he found what he was looking for. His reaction to the find was the same as that of the poor farm labourer. He sold everything he owned to buy it. Like the merchant, our own finding of the earthly expression of God’s heavenly community can come at the end of a long search, in response to the Lord’s promise, ‘Seek and you will find’. However we come upon what is of true worth, the gospel reading calls on us to take all necessary steps to grasp it.

And/Or

(iii) Seventeenth Sunday of the Year

It is probably true to say that there is something of the searcher/the seeker in each one of us. We are restless by nature; we are rarely fully satisfied with where we are; we like to look beyond. This is one of the reasons why people do so much travelling. We like to see places we have not seen before, to do things we have not done before, to learn more about a particular city or country or people. We are open to new interests, new experiences, new challenges, and that can be true at any age of our lives. People can develop a whole new interest quite late in life. The concept and the practice of life-long learning have come very much to the fore in recent years. We have come to a greater appreciation that we are always learners and seekers and that it is never too late to immerse ourselves in some new project.

One area where this restlessness can show itself is in the spiritual domain. We can experience within ourselves, at any age in life, a restlessness of spirit. We may feel some dissatisfaction, for example, with the way we pray. We experience a desire to pray in a different way. We can become aware of deeper hungers and thirsts in our lives that we have not paid much attention to in the past. At a certain stage in our lives they can become more present to us and we feel that we need to do something about them, respond to them in some significant way. The first words Jesus speaks in John’s gospel take the form of a question, addressed to the disciples of John the Baptist, ‘What are you looking for?’ Jesus was addressing those disciples as seekers, as people who were searching for something that would satisfy their deepest hungers and thirsts, their spiritual longings. The second set of words that Jesus spoke to those disciples took the form of an invitation, ‘Come and see’. In a sense, Jesus was placing himself before them as the one who could respond to the longings of their spirit and heart. The something they were looking for was, in reality, someone, and Jesus was claiming to be that someone. Jesus would go on in John’s gospel to speak of himself as the source of living water and as the bread of life, the one who could satisfy our deepest thirst and hunger. The gospels suggest that Jesus was always very responsive to those who was searching, even when others were unresponsive to such people. When a blind man cried out to Jesus, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me’, and the people around Jesus scolded him and told him to be quiet, Jesus insisted that the man be brought to him. Here was the cry of someone searching for light, and his cry would not go unheard.

This morning’s gospel reading from Matthew puts before us three parables. The second parable is the story of a seeker. A merchant has given his life over to searching for fine pearls and when he when he finds one of great value he sells everything he owns and buys it. Jesus offers this parable as an image of the kingdom of God. A little earlier in Matthew’s gospel, in the context of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus had already said, ‘Seek first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these other things will be given to you as well’. Jesus was saying there that everything else we search for in life is to be secondary to that primary search for God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness. We can understand God’s righteousness as God’s will or God’s way of being, God’s way of doing things. Because that is to be our primary search in life, Jesus places it as the first petition in the prayer he gave to his disciples, the Lord’s prayer, ‘Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven’. The kingdom of God makes itself present on earth when God’s will is done, when we begin to live according to God’s purpose for our lives, as revealed to us by Jesus. According to this morning’s gospel reading, that is something really worth searching for, and, even, selling everything else for. In a sense Jesus is saying in this morning’s parable: ‘The coming of God’s kingdom - the doing of God’s will - is God’s priority. This is what God is searching for. Let God’s priority become your priority; let the object of God’s search become the object of your search too’. The one thing that is worth our while searching for is what God is searching for, what God wants.

In this morning’s second reading, St Paul puts his own words on what God is searching for, and, therefore, what deserves to be the object of our own searching. Pail says that God ‘intended us to become true images of his Son’. This is God’s will for our lives, to become true images of God’s Son. When we all become true images of God’s Son, God’s kingdom will come. Here, indeed, is a goal that is worthy of the deepest longings of our heart and spirit, to become true images of God’s Son. This is the pearl of great price that is worth searching for and sacrificing everything else for.

And/Or

(iv) Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

I sometimes watch the programme called the Antiques Roadshow on BBC1. I love watching people’s faces when they discover that some object they have had on a sideboard for years is worth thousands of pounds. Recently a man was interviewed who had been digging in his garden. He found a ring which turned out to be a medieval love ring with a ruby stone in the centre that was worth about 20,000 pounds. Sometimes people can hit upon something of great value, a true treasure, purely by accident. I was reminded of that by the first parable in today’s gospel reading. The scene is that of a poor labourer working in someone’s field; out of the blue he hits upon this great treasure and, shrewd man that he is, he scrapes together whatever few bob he can afford and buys the field off the man he was working for.

Jesus says that the kingdom of heaven is a bit like that. In other words, we can stumble upon the kingdom of God without having had any intention of searching for it in the first place. Jesus seems to be saying that God can touch our lives out of the blue, without our having done anything much to make it happen. The Lord can come to us even when we are not looking for him. There are examples in the gospel of Jesus taking an initiative towards people who had made no effort to make contact with him. He sees these people and goes towards them, even though they have not seen him. As a result, such people discover the kingdom of God almost by accident. That can be the way for many people today too. They might find themselves at some event that relates to the message of the gospel, a prayer meeting, the Eucharist, some form of outreach to those in need. They suddenly find themselves touched in some way that surprises them, perhaps touched at a level of their being that is new to them. They are moved in some way. They leave with a strong desire to explore what they have stumbled upon; they set out on a journey which gradually opens up a horizon for them that casts a new light on all that they do in their lives. Jesus is saying in that first parable that God can come to us even when we are not looking for him. We can be surprisingly graced as we go about our daily business. When that happens, when God unexpectedly touches our lives, that first parable suggests that we need to take decisive action. We need to seize the moment, to respond with all we have, because it is a moment of profound significance. That first parable suggests that the Lord’s search for us is paramount. He seeks us out even when we are unaware of him. He finds ways of offering us the treasure of the gospel even when we are not looking for it. In today’s second reading Paul speaks about God’s purpose for our lives, which is that we would become true images of God’s Son. That is God’s intention, God’s desire for us and God will find ways to bring that purpose of his for our lives to pass. God will find ways of breaking through to us, in and through the ordinary tasks that we engage in every day. Like the man in the parable going about his daily work, it is in the ordinary circumstances of our lives that we often stumble upon the treasure of the kingdom, the treasure of God’s purpose for our lives, of God’s presence.

If the first parable in the gospel reading recognizes that sometimes wonderful discoveries are made by chance, the second parable acknowledges that sometimes they are made at the end of a long and painstaking search. The man at the centre of the second parable is not a poor labourer but a rich merchant. He did not stumble upon the pearl of great value. He had spent his life looking for the finest pearls. One day, after years of searching, he found a pearl which was more beautiful than any other pearl he possessed. He gladly sold all that he owned to purchase it. Jesus says that the kingdom of God is also like the rich merchant. If the first parable suggests the primacy of God’s search for us, the second parable highlights the significance of our own search in our relationship with God. At some level we are all searchers. We seek after love and friendship; we search for truth and justice, for meaning and purpose in our lives. In the first reading we find Solomon actively seeking out wisdom. In the beatitudes at the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount Jesus declares blessed all those who hunger and thirst for what is right, who seek after what God wants. A little further into the Sermon on the Mount Jesus declares, ‘seek, and you will find’. The second parable encourages us to keep faithful to that task of seeking, especially seeking the Lord, the ultimate source of all that is good. We seek the Lord in the knowledge that, as the first parable reminds us, the Lord is already seeking us out and will often grace us when we are least expecting it.

And/Or

(v) Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

Treasure hunts can be a source of great joy to children. Something is hidden in some place and clues are left in various other places which, if properly followed, will lead to the hidden treasure. When someone finally makes it to the treasure, there is great joy at discovering the hidden treasure. There are different sorts of joy, and the joy of discovery is a very special joy. This joy of discovery is not confined to children. As adults we can experience that joy too. The first two parables that Jesus speaks in today’s gospel reading is about the joy of discovery. In the first parable we have to imagine a poor day labourer who is working in someone’s field. Out of the blue, without looking for it, he suddenly stumbles upon a treasure. He gathers his few possessions and happily sells them so as to have the money to buy the field with its hidden treasure, which no one knows about only himself. In the second parable we have to imagine a rich merchant who actively searches for the finest of pearls. One day his searching leads him to a pearl of much greater worth than all his other pearls put together. He gladly sells them all to buy this pearl of great price.

Both the poor labourer and the rich merchant experience the joy of discovering something wonderful. Apart from the fact that one was poor and the other was rich, they differ in one other way. The poor labourer accidentally stumbled upon the treasure while he was doing something completely unrelated to it. The rich merchant found his treasure after many years of diligently searching for it. Jesus is saying that the kingdom of God is like the experience of both of these people. The opening words of Jesus’ ministry were, ‘the kingdom of God is at hand’. Jesus was announcing that God was powerfully at work in and through his ministry, in and through all he said and did. Jesus revealed God’s presence to us, God’s love for all of humanity, God’s purpose for our lives. Jesus brings this wonderful treasure from God. Indeed, it could be said that Jesus is this treasure from God. He is the treasure hidden in the field; he is the pearl of great price. Jesus is saying in these two parables that those who encounter him as God’s treasure will experience a tremendous joy. The slight difference between the two parables suggests that some people will stumble upon the treasure that is Jesus unexpectedly, without really doing anything to find it, a little bit like the day labourer whose shovel just happened to hit upon the box of treasure. The person of Saint Paul comes to mind here. He was engaged in his work of persecuting what he considered to be a heretical Jewish movement, when suddenly Jesus came to him out of the blue. He wasn’t searching for this treasure; he literally stumbled upon it. Others will discover Jesus to be the treasure of God after much searching. The gospel character that comes to mind here is the elderly Simeon in the opening chapter of Luke’s gospel. He had spent his life searching for the Messiah. Then as he approached the end of his life he finally set his eyes on God’s Messiah, as the child Jesus was carried into the Temple of Jerusalem by his parents.

We are all here at this Eucharist this morning because, at some level, we have come to appreciate Jesus as a wonderful treasure, as a pearl of great price. For some of us, this treasure may have come to us without any real searching on our part. It came to us through others, our parents, our grandparents, those who journeyed with us in life. Others among us may have come to this treasure after much searching. Indeed, both parables may apply to some of us. Perhaps we were given the treasure of Jesus by others, just as the day labourer was given the treasure by the field he was digging, but we may have lost what we had been given. Then we may have set out on our own searching journey, like the rich merchant, and through our own searching found what we had once been given and had lost. Either way, Jesus is saying in those parables, that the treasure of the gospel is there to be discovered and to be rediscovered, and those who experience the gospel for the treasure that it is will find a joy that the world cannot give.

The day labourer and the rich merchant gladly sold all they had to preserve the treasure they had discovered and the joy that accompanied the discovery. Jesus is suggesting that he and all he stands for is a treasure that is worth sacrificing lesser treasures for. A great deal that comes our way in life can threaten this treasure of the gospel. That is why Jesus taught us to pray, ‘Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil’. We have been given this treasure not just for ourselves but for others; if we lose it or allow it to be taken from us, those who cross our path in life will be the poorer for it, and not just ourselves.

Fr. Martin Hogan.

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unpopcorned · 6 years

Text

“How would thee count the stars?”

No response.

“I said, how would thee count the stars?”

Nothing.

Khalil looks as if he’s close to having a migraine, “Hayden, say your lines.”

Hayden looks up, surprised to see that pretty much everyone in the room is looking at her. The Drama Teacher - Mrs. Reed - Khalil, Jade, Nate, and the rest of the theater kids. One glance down to her paper, Hayden can see that she was indeed next. Nate, in front of her, is giving her the stink eye.

So, raising her voice, she says, “By only one and two and three--” Her eyebrows crease, she looks towards Khalil for help, “Do I have to count all the way to ten?”

“Do what you think is best, Miss Winters,” Mrs. Reed tells her, hands on her hips, “Improvise.”

She’s guessing that means she doesn’t have to. Hayden looks back down towards the paper, “By only one...and two and three. If you were ask for more, I would not be able to...bear the weight...? My body is weightless, as in - Bethany falls to the floor to show her distress - do I have to fall to the floor?”

This time, Khalil speaks up, “Yes, Hayden. Fall to the floor.”

Hayden hesitates for only a moment. She has something to do after this, she doesn’t want to get her clothes dirty. But, she falls to her knees first ( carefully, of course ), curling her legs underneath her before lying on her side. Nate is giving her an even worse look, throws an exasperated glance in Khalil’s direction. Her friend only makes a ‘go-ahead’ motion with his hand.

Nate, knowing his lines far better than her, continues, “Oh, beloved, you must feel what I harbor for you. Your loves pricks thy heart like a stubborn rose, and I can only fall for each one,” And then Nate is on the floor with her, much more graceful and dramatic with it, “Each night I pray and wonder, why thee love hurts the most.”

Hayden sits up straight after a moment, “I don’t like being on the floor. It’s cold.”

“The rest of the scene is on the floor, Hayden,” Khalil says, he’s standing from his chair now - his own script is sticking out of the back of his jeans, “We can’t make anymore changes,” He steps onto the stage next, and Hayden takes that as a chance to stand. Nate appears disgruntled, but he does the same, “If we do, we won’t be able to start doing costume rehearsal next week. I’m not pushing it back anymore.”

Hayden could forget how bossy Khalil could get. He was one of the leads in almost every play Mrs. Reed put on. This time, he decided to go a more backseat approach and keep to a stage manager presence. Still, he drafted almost every scene, he took care of lighting, and he was always on time for rehearsal. Hayden can’t help but wonder how he manages it all - schoolwork, rehearsal, and band practice.

“What do you expect?” Jade mutters from the end of the stage, she’s sitting cross-legged, “Hayden is a replacement. You can’t expect her to get it all in three days.”

“She can’t act!” Nate’s voice has become high-pitched, as if that statement has been sitting on his chest for weeks now, “We should just call Jessica. If you just talked to her nicely--”

“I’m not going to baby her,” Khalil’s tone is final, he even crosses his arms, “If she wants to be a diva and hold up production, then there should be a replacement.”

“Hayden is nothing like the character,” Nate isn’t finished, “She’s...” He looks towards Hayden, catches her beginning to doodle on her script with a yellow highlighter, “It isn’t going to work. Bethany’s character is described as--”

“Hardworking, attentive, beautiful,” Khalil names off each with his fingers, “Hayden’s all those things.”

“Let’s agree to disagree,” Nate makes a face at him, “we should’ve held auditions. Cast understudies.”

“Understudies are for people with no talent,” Jade pipes in, looks a little too amused to watch them go back and forth, “If you want to quit, Nathaniel...”

“I’m not,” Nate presses his lips together, trying to control his tone, “I’m not quitting. It’s just...Johnathan and Bethany are supposed to have chemistry. Do you see anything like that with me and Hayden?”

“No,” Khalil shrugs a shoulder, “But you could try a little harder.”

Hayden isn’t paying attention, she’s stopped doodling on her script, and is now paying close attention to her shoes. She draws stars on them, big stars and little stars, she wishes she’d had more colors. Tonight, she’ll probably wash them so her mother won’t complain. With one glance, she can see they are all still arguing, Jade has joined in now and Nate is growing red in the face. Well, she wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for Khalil - Nate was right about one thing, she was nothing like the character. Even if they put her in a wig and dress ( which they would be doing when they started costume rehearsals ) she wouldn’t come close. After Jessica had thrown a fit and decided to quit in the middle of production, Khalil had come to Hayden with the favor.

She supposes she still owed him for last time.

“--fine! Fine,” Nate is huffing, moving past Jade and Khalil both, “This is unprofessional.” He ducks behind the curtain, Mrs. Reed looks worried and she goes to follow after.

Khalil rolls his eyes, turns to face Hayden, “Don’t listen to him,” ( she wasn’t ), “He’ll get used to it.”

Jade snorts, mutters something under her breath that Hayden can’t catch, “He’s a drama queen. Always begging for attention. If I could try out for guy roles, I would’ve taken Johnathan. I gotta bigger dick than Nate, trust me.”

Khalil nudges her, even when she keeps laughing, “Go and see if you can find Peter, I need help with the lighting later. The orange and yellow are too bright,” When she is gone too, he returns his attention to Hayden, “You’re doing a good job, don’t worry about it.”

She doesn’t think that. She doesn’t think she’s a very good actress, it reminds her of lying. Which she is also bad at. But she shrugs her shoulders a bit helplessly, “I’ll practice more tonight.”

“I thought you had a date.”

Hayden blinks at that, seeming to recall, “Oh--”

“Hayden!” The call of her name is from the side of the room, towards the two main doors. Hayden and Khalil both look up and over, find Luis standing there. He heaves his book bag up higher on his shoulder, looks fairly annoyed, “You comin’?”

“Hey, what did I tell you?” Khalil points a finger at Luis, “No interrupting rehearsal.”

Luis flips him off, “Fucking bite me, asshole. You’ve been in here for two hours, it takes you this long just to figure out your lines?” Khalil starts to say something back, Luis doesn’t let him, “Hayden, let’s go.”

When Luis is in a bad mood, it isn’t very wise to say no to him. She stands from her spot, grabbing her script and backpack on the way down. Khalil says after her, “Thursday, same time, Hayden.” She’s nodding, even when Luis takes her arm and drags her out of the auditorium.

Luis seems talkative, she notices it only a few seconds in, “I was thinking, since we’re going to be covering the song anyway, we should get Khalil to try and change the sound. Lyle’s been--”

“I can’t practice today,” Hayden tells him quietly, lingering when they stop at his locker for something, “I have something to do.”

“Like what?” Luis gives her a dirty look, “Don’t tell me you’re meeting with that guy again. You like him or something?”

“Luis,” she says, “we’re dating.”

“You don’t even know him,” he slams his locker closed with far more force than necessary, “He’s probably playin’ you.”

Hayden hesitates before following him - because that hurt a little, “...he’s not. And I know enough.”

“Like what?”

“He likes soccer.”

“Yeah, that’s fuckin’ obvious. Probably all the meat-head talks about.”

“He likes movies.”

“Who doesn’t?”

“He likes studying.”

“Whatever--”

“He likes me.”

That makes Luis stop for a moment, he turns to look at her, must spot a bit of frustration because he sighs, looks off to the side, “I’m just sayin’ - I’ve never met him.”

“Because you don’t want to.”

“I’m your best fucking friend, he should extend some courtesy to me.”

“Courtesy?”

“Yeah - buy me a fucking fruit basket or somethin’.”

They stop as they get closer to the practicing room, Lyle and Finn are already inside, bickering over something. Hayden rocks on her heels and toes, stares at Luis as he seems to think, “Fine, I’ll let you skip this last time. But no more after this - you guys need’a go on dates every day or something? It’s fucking weird.”

Hayden’s lips tilt up at the corners, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

Hayden ends up going alone. And the walk is pretty uneventful, she keeps her headphones on and the music loud enough to drown out any noise. She waits in her usual spot, only looking up when her headphones are tugged on gently. Pulling them from around her head, she lets it rest upon her neck.

Hayden can’t help but smile when she sees him, “Hi.”

Andrew looks a bit winded, she hopes he didn’t rush to get here, “Hey. Sorry, I’m late - practice ran a bit longer--” He stops talking when she reaches out, takes his hand in her much smaller one, “My bad.” Still, a smile blooms across his face at the contact, and he doesn’t shy away from her.

“It’s okay.”

Around thirty minutes later, they sit together on a bench, both with ice cream cones. Hayden had chosen strawberry with sprinkles, and she wishes she hadn’t because the sprinkles had a bitter aftertaste. Andrew lets her try some of his, helps her with cleaning her face when she smudged chocolate onto her nose. He looks at her almost strangely ( or, it seems strange to her ), affectionately maybe.

And it makes her feel a little weird - like this light feeling inside of her chest that won’t go away. She feels as if she may float away sometimes.

“Did you have fun at practice?”

Andrew looks up at the question, “Oh. Yeah, I guess.”

“What’s wrong?” She tilts her head some, he blinks at the question, “Did something happen?”

“No - just...sometimes, the guys can be at odds when they’re frustrated. It doesn’t help that...Osmond is so headstrong too. I try to keep things easy, but when you’re training so much and you’re stuck with the same guys all day...I guess sometimes things can be frustrating,” He stops there, seems to consider his words, “You know what I mean?”

“Sometimes Khalil and Luis argue. When we’re practicing. Is that the same thing?”

“Yeah, just like that,” There’s a small break in their conversation, not because they are bored or are too busy to talk, but because silence is always welcomed between them. It’s not awkward or strange, Hayden likes that she can still think when she’s around Andrew. That he gives her opportunity to speak whenever she pleases, “When’s the next time you guys are playing?”

“Hm?” She looks up from her ice cream, her fingers are getting sticky.

“Your band.”

“Oh,” Hayden frowns some, shifts in her seat, “Khalil has been really busy with...the play. And I’m in it now--”

“You’re in a play?” He sounds surprised, staring at her now, “When is it?”

“Not until next month. Khalil doesn’t cast understudies, so he asked me to take the lead role for him. The character’s name is Bethany,” and then her nose wrinkles up some, “But I’m nothing like her. I don’t think.”

Andrew is watching her a bit fondly, “What’s so different between you and Bethany?”

“Well,” she thinks on it, licks at her thumb to get some of the ice cream off, “she talks differently from me. And...she’s smiling all the time. And she has really, really long hair. Khalil is making me wear a wig, since before Jessica had long hair.”

“A wig?” Andrew frowns now, he’s done with his cone so he chucks it into the nearby trash, “Did you tell him you don’t need one? A wig, I mean.”

“Yeah, but he says I do,” Andrew doesn’t seem pleased with that, but he more or less keeps it to himself, “He wants me to look like Bethany, at least. Jessica looked more like her than I do.”

“You look fine,” Andrew reassures her. And he does that a lot. Though, it seems, a lot of people disagree with him. Nate, her mother, most of the people in school. Hayden’s ears feel warm, she looks back down at her ice cream, rocks her legs back and forth underneath her.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

Andrew reclaims his seat next to her, a little closer than before, “Okay. Go ahead.”

“My mom...” Hayden trails off at first, she feels a little nervous. Which should be silly, but she supposes it’s normal, “My mom really wants to meet you. My dad, too. And they wanted you to come to dinner on Thursday.”

Andrew doesn’t say anything for a moment.

So, Hayden opens her mouth again, “You don’t have to--”

“Really?” To her surprise, he looks a little - excited, “Your parents want to meet me? You want me to?” Hayden nods, she doesn’t know why that would come as a shock, “Thursday is good. Thursday is perfect, actually.”

“Really? You don’t have practice?”

“No. No, it’s fine. I’ll definitely be there.”

And Hayden’s shoulders relax, she smiles some, “Okay.”

“So what’s he like?” Hayden looks up at the question, blinks for a moment. As if Urja can tell she’s confused by the question, she smiles, “Andrew. I haven’t gotten to meet him.”

Hayden thinks about it. What was Andrew like - she thinks of him very fondly whenever he’s brought up. Her expression softens after a moment, and she scribbles at the edge of her notebook in thought, “I guess he’s--”

“He’s great,” Imogen butts in, leaning towards the both of them, “Andrew never dates, I didn’t know Hayden was his type.”

“Type,” Jade pipes in, raises her eyebrows high on her forehead, “Do rich people hear themselves talk?”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Imogen says, rolling her eyes, “I only meant that the last girl Andrew dated - well, she was nothing like Hayden. Which is a good thing in my opinion.”

Hayden grows curious, she’s watching Imogen now, “What was she like?”

“Point is, it’s a good thing they broke up,” Imogen tells her, tossing dirty blonde hair over her shoulder, “He’s better off.” The four of them sit together in Hayden’s room - with all of the people, it seems a bit cramped now. Jade had commented on the lack of decoration ( and she’d said it looked like the room had been put together by a twelve-year-old, and well, Hayden guesses that’s right since the last time she’d decorated her room was when she was ten - but only because she never left it ). Now, all four of them worked on their schoolwork - besides Imogen, she’d finished hers much earlier.

Jade stays on the bed, leaning forward to be able to hear their conversation. And Urja stays beside Hayden, on her back and hair spread out around her like a dark halo. Sometimes, Hayden feels like the odd girl out, they seem to know a lot more about being - normal maybe, was that the right word?

She bets Jade’s parents don’t argue. And she’s sure Imogen has kissed a few boys before. And she’s absolutely certain that guys don’t mistake Urja for a boy all the time. But she keeps her thoughts to herself - she’s never been so self-conscious of herself, not since meeting Andrew. She wonders what type of girls he’s dated before.

“Have you kissed him yet?” Imogen asks, the question reminds Hayden of her mom for some reason. In reply, Hayden shakes her head silently. Imogen’s mouth falls open, “What? No way - he hasn’t made a move on you?”

Jade pulls a face, “Can this conversation get any straighter?”

Imogen ignores her, “Well - it is Andrew we’re talking about here. He’s the perfect gentleman, all the time,” She thinks on it for a few seconds, “You might have to just kiss him. I mean, you do want to kiss him, right?”

Hayden blinks again, “I’ve never kissed anyone.”

There’s a beat of silence, Imogen is staring at her, Urja has slightly sat up, and Jade looks interested now. Jade is the first to speak up, an impish grin coming across her face, “I could show you.”

Imogen speaks up next, “Really? Never?”

“It’s not that surprising,” Urja gets comfortable again, touches Hayden’s knee briefly, “And it’s not a big deal, Hayden. Trust me.”

“Lemme guess,” Jade interjects, amused, “You’ve never kissed anyone either, Urja.”

Urja ducks her chin, “I mean - no. But that’s not important. It’s not important. Boys aren’t important, in general.”

“I guess so,” Jade concedes, shrugging her shoulders.

Imogen huffs at the both of them. Hayden watches, quiet. And then she says, “Do you like kissing Osmond?” Imogen looks taken aback by the question, Urja raises her eyebrows, “You’re dating him, right? So you kiss him.”

Imogen pulls a face. For the first time, she doesn’t seem to like the spotlight. She pulls at a loose thread on Hayden’s floral-printed rug, shrugs one shoulder, “It’s...nice, I guess. I mean, he’s not bad at it, you know?”

Hayden doesn’t know.

Jade wrinkles up her nose, “Guys kiss like wet dogs.”

“Not Osmond,” Imogen states, “If the right guy is kissing you, trust me - you’ll like it.”

“And if the right girl is kissing you--”

Imogen faces her, “Thanks for the input, Jade.” Jade only sticks her tongue out at her.

Hayden hadn’t really thought about it - kissing Andrew. It was like a foreign concept, uncharted territory. She’d never been interested with those kinds of things, never really crossed her mind. But she guesses it isn’t that bad to think about, not if it’s Andrew. Her stomach feels warm, so do her ears. She’s so distracted that she almost misses the sudden fixation on her bedroom window. Urja jerks upright in a sitting position, Jade is frowning, and Imogen looks alarmed.

“Someone tapped on the window,” she whispers to Hayden, “What kind of--”

“Maybe it’s a pervert,” Jade says, though she doesn’t seem that fazed by it.

“In this neighborhood?” Urja mutters, “Likely. Very likely.”

Hayden is the only one who isn’t that bothered. She stares over at the window, sitting up straighter when she spots the face peering back at her, “Luis,” she stands from her spot, crosses the room to get to her window and unlock it. When it’s pulled open, she speaks, “You could fall.” Her room was on the second floor, after all.

“Lemme in,” Luis grunts, and without waiting for her permission, he pulls himself inside of the room. Hayden moves aside to give him room, the girls are staring now, “Hell took you so long--” When he notices the others in the room, his frown deepens, “Fuck is this? A slumber party?”

“Oh,” Imogen admonishes, “What’s he doing here?”

Urja looks surprised to see him, holds her textbook close to her chest, “Luis?”

“Oh, great,” Jade mumbles, “Just what we needed.”

Luis looks around, spots the backpacks and textbooks all over the floor. He kicks pointedly at Jade’s bag, which she protests at, “You buddy-buddy now?” He directs the question towards Hayden, she looks up at him. He appears irritated, she doesn’t know why, “I need to--”

“Girls? Everybody decent?”

Hayden starts - her father’s voice is just outside the room, very close to the door. Jade makes a face, Imogen stands, and Urja throws a panicked glance towards Luis, “Hide!” She whispers quickly, pushing herself up on her knees to point towards Hayden’s bed, “Get under.”

“What--” Luis looks offended that she would even say that, “No fucking way.”

The girls don’t give him much of a choice. Hayden is quiet while Imogen and Urja work together cramming her friend underneath her twin bed. Trying to make the covers look as neat as possible ( and cover Luis ), Urja turns back to her book, Imogen reclaims her spot on the floor, and Jade picks listlessly at her nails.

“Girls? Hello?”

Hayden looks towards the door, “You can come in, dad.”

He does, peeking inside tentatively before he offers a smile, “You guys still doing homework?” Her dad seems happy to have people over - a distraction, if anything. It’s really rare for Hayden to invite students to her home, especially girls. He places his hands over his hips, looking around, “Anyone staying for dinner? I can whip up something.”

“Uh--” Imogen exchanges a look with Jade, “Actually, Mr. Winters, I have to get home soon. I have swim practice in the morning.”

“You’re heading out?” Jade pipes in, “Mind dropping me off at home?” Imogen shrugs a shoulder, nonplussed, “Then I better get going too.”

“Yeah,” Urja says, “My dad will start to worry if I’m not back by nine.”

“Oh,” he watches them all gather their things, doesn’t seem that upset over it, “Well, alright. Come back anytime, really. I’ll make my world famous tacos, huh? How does that sound?”

Imogen cracks a bit of a grin as she stands in the doorway, “That sounds really nice, Mr. Winters.”

“I love food, especially free food,” Jade tells him, “So count me in.” Urja merely nods along with Jade, glancing over Mr. Winters’ shoulder to stare at Hayden’s bed. Hayden follows her gaze, spots Luis poking his head out. When he notices her staring, he lifts his head, hitting it sharply against the bottom of her bed.

“Ow!”

Hayden’s father looks up, turns his head. Hayden stares back at him, expression neutral.

“You okay, sweetheart?”

She blinks. And then nods, “...yeah. Bit my tongue.”

Jade looks close to laughing. When her dad walks them to the door, Urja lingers behind, looks at Hayden, “See you tomorrow?” Hayden merely nods, she looks at Hayden’s bed next, “See you, Luis.”

There’s a muffled reply from underneath, and she’s soon following the rest of the girls out. When they are gone, her dad comes back upstairs to her room, keeping by the doorway, “I didn’t know you had so many friends.” Hayden doesn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not, “You should invite them over more often, it’d make your mom happy.”

Hayden only nods her head again.

His eyes drift from her, and something catches his attention fast, “Oh, Hayden, don’t leave your window open,” he crosses the room, past her, and closes the window firmly before returning his attention to her, “Don’t want anyone peeking in, okay?” Again, another nod. He smiles, “You said Andrew will come Thursday, right?”

“Oh,” Hayden murmurs - she didn’t think he would remember. It was more pressing for her mom, though, “Yeah. I think he’s excited to meet you guys.”

His smile widens, “Let’s hope we make a good impression.”

Yeah. She’s hoping that, too.

When he finally leaves and closes her door, Hayden gets down to her knees, crouching beside her bed and pulling up the comforter. Luis stares back at her, agitated. She helps him up, mumbling an apology. Luis doesn’t linger on that, “Fancy guy is coming to your house?”

“You mean Andrew? Yes.”

“Why?”

“To meet my parents.”

“Yeah - why?”

Hayden only tilts her head at him.

“I’m just sayin’. It’s only been a month, ain’t you guys moving a little fast?”

“I don’t think so. My mom’s been asking to meet him for the last couple weeks.”

He rolls his eyes, “Yeah. Sure,” he stops there, considering her for a few seconds, “You really like him?” Hayden nods her head, “You guys...doin’ anything?” She must look confused, because he continues speaking, “Like - kissing and shit?”

Hayden doesn’t understand why everyone’s so interested in that type of thing. Even her mom had asked her before. She shakes her head though, shrugging her shoulders listlessly, “No,” she pauses for a moment, “Is it important?”

“If you’re datin’, yeah. You’re not supposed to make the move though - you’re a chick. He’s supposed to. Probably ain’t got any balls.”

“Make...a move,” Hayden repeats quietly.

He frowns at her, crosses his arms, “I’m not gonna explain first base to you.”

“First base.”

“Look - this isn’t why I came here.”

“Okay.”

“I need you to talk to Khalil. Tell him you can’t do the play anymore.”

“Why?”

“It’s cutting into band practice, that’s why. I can’t play without drums.”

“I’m sorry.”

He huffs at her, seemingly annoyed, “Tomorrow, talk to Khalil.”

“I can’t back out. I already promised him.”

“Ask Jessica to take the spot back.”

“Khalil doesn’t like her.”

“Khalil doesn’t like a lot of shit, the asshole.”

“I can’t, Luis. I made a promise,” When he continues to glare at her, Hayden opens her mouth again, “Is it something else?”

He looks a bit put off when she says that, “What.”

“Is something else bothering you? About the play.”

“No,” his response is quick - a little too quick. The customary defensive look comes over his face, “I don’t give a shit about the play.”

“Okay,” a pause, “But if something was bothering you, you could tell me, okay?”

He presses his lips together, stares at Russo’s cage for a few seconds, and then back to her, “Yeah, sure.”

Hayden does bring it up to Khalil the next morning. He’s waiting for her by the school entrance, and greets her as soon as he spots her. Hayden shoulders up her backpack higher, turning to face him, “Luis wants me to quit the play, I think.”

“You think,” Khalil says, “He’s such a--” He stops there, shakes his head, “He just doesn’t know when to quit.” Hayden follows Khalil to the auditorium, and both are surprised to see Luis and Lyle both sitting on the stage, they looked as if they’d been waiting for them. Lyle is the first to stand, Luis lifting his head slightly to glance in Hayden’s direction before he looks away, “You guys aren’t allowed in here during rehearsal hours.”

Luis scoffs, “No one’s here.”

“We scheduled to use the auditorium for blocking the set for first period. Me, Urja, and Hayden.” Khalil tells him pointedly, setting his backpack down, “So you can leave.”

Lyle looks between the both of them apprehensively. Even Hayden is a little confused, her eyes haven’t drifted far from Luis though, “Luis,” he looks over at her at the sound of his name, “what’s wrong? Why’re you being...” She isn’t sure how to finish it, but Khalil catches her drift.

“Yeah, Luis. Why’re you being such a jerk?”

Lyle speaks up before Luis can, “He just thinks--”

“Luis can talk for himself,” Khalil barely glances in Lyle’s direction, “Go ahead. Say it.”

“Why don’t you stop actin’ all high and fuckin’ mighty all the time,” Luis snaps, clenching his jaw, “If you got somethin’ to say then say it.”

“You’re the one who told Hayden not to do the play.”

“That’s ‘cause it’s a load of shit! Suddenly you all care about who lives and who fucking dies! Just ‘cause of Junior!”

Hayden blinks several times - she can’t really follow the turn of the conversation. What did Noah James have to do with anything, with them arguing? Luis spits his name so venomously, she almost flinched. Khalil’s expression doesn’t change, he only crosses his arms over his chest and regards Luis and Lyle both with a cold look.

“The school board thought it’d be refreshing to switch it up once and awhile--”

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Khalil.”

“You can’t bully Hayden, you can’t push anyone around. We’re your friends, Luis.”

“Sure doesn’t fuckin’ feel like it,” Luis says, stepping closer to Khalil in the process in an almost threatening manner, “I’m tellin’ you right now to cancel it.”

“I’m not canceling the play. Not when Hayden’s put so much work into--”

“I’m not gonna tell you again--”

“You should watch what you say, Luis.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you should remember who’s on your side here.”

“The only reason you still talk to me is ‘cause the band.”

Khalil’s expression becomes harder, he narrows his eyes, “So?”

“So! You’re just fucking pretending, too!”

Khalil’s voice is suddenly so loud, it makes Hayden’s shoulders jerk up, “I could tell everyone! I could tell everyone what you did!”

“Yeah? Why don’t you go ahead and do that, huh! Tell everyone how you covered it up, too! How you know why Junior tried to kill himself in the first place and didn’t say shit to anyone!! Go ‘head and tell ‘em!”

Khalil goes quiet. Hayden is staring, Lyle has kept his eyes down throughout the entire argument. She watches Khalil closely, his shoulders have lifted in a defensive manner, and she’s never seen such an angry look on his face. Yanking his backpack from the floor, he shoves past Luis and Lyle, “Fuck you, Luis!”

And then he’s moving towards the double doors, forcing them open. He leaves quickly, and he must’ve bumped into Urja along the way because she peeks her head in curiously, glancing over her shoulder the way Khalil had went, “...is everything okay? What’s wrong with Khalil?”

No one answers her. Luis is tentative with turning back around and glancing Hayden’s way. Hayden stares right back at him, eyes filling up her face. She looks as if she’s never seen him before, and it’s enough to make him curse and grab his things as well.

He leaves the both of them there without another word.

“Hayden!”

She looks up, surprised to see both Finn and Lyle, already at her locker and waiting for her. It’d been a couple days since she’d last gotten the chance to talk to them, which was abnormal enough in itself. They were all such a close-knit group. She comes to a slow stop at Lyle’s side, head tilting curiously in questions, “I have rehearsal today.”

“Skip it,” Lyle tells her, and he looks very serious. He hasn’t been in the best mood either ever since what happened. Meanwhile, Luis and Khalil prefer to avoid it all like the plague, Khalil hadn’t even sat with them at lunch, “This is much more important.”

Lyle doesn’t really give her a chance to ask just what the big deal is, he moves past her swiftly and down the hallway. Perplexed, she glances in Finn’s direction, but he doesn’t give her much to work with either. He follows after Lyle, and after dumping the books she doesn’t need for the night into her locker, she’s going after them.

Lyle’s in such a rush, he almost runs straight into Brent and Amos, “Hey, slow down.”

“No running in the halls,” Amos mumbles, he’s pointedly not looking at Lyle, though. Even as he scolds him, “Ms. Rucker will see.”

“Not if you don’t tell,” Lyle says, crossing his arms. And then his attention is on Brent, “Can you make up an excuse for Hayden? We have practice today.”

“Thought you guys only had practice on Mondays and Tuesdays,” Brent notes. Of course, he would be the type to remember something like that, even though they don’t talk to him very often, “Khalil’s gonna be pissed if you can’t make it. You’re the lead, Hayden.”

Before she can apologize, Lyle is speaking up for her, “She doesn’t want to do it anymore anyway.”

Brent blinks fast, casts Hayden a frowning glance, “Why not?”

“‘Cause!” Lyle shrugs his shoulders in a defensive manner, “It’s not like...the play is a big deal or anything, geez.” He’s starting to sound like Luis.

Brent lifts a brow, “It’s to raise awareness. For Junior. Suicide prevention is kind of a big deal, man.”

“The faculty is just shoving it down our throats. Which is why we’re gonna talk to Principal Bailard today. He’ll hear us out,” Lyle seems very sure of that outcome, even though Principal Bailard is pretty much notorious for being a grouch. Hayden can’t help but doubt he’ll ignore whatever they have to say.

Though he seems hesitant, Amos speaks up from beside Brent, “He...he probably won’t listen,” He adjusts his thick-rimmed glasses, “Last month, he denied Jared and Erin’s idea to start a gardening club at school.”

Finn looks curious enough to ask, “Why?”

“He said it wasn’t good for budgeting or something,” he says, shrugging his shoulders, “And the band was supposed to have this big showcase last week, it got cancelled. Which sucked...we were all practicing a lot for that.”

In comfort, Brent nudges Amos a bit on the shoulder with his own. Hayden didn’t know they were such good friends, “I don’t think they’re shoving anything down our throats,” Brent aims it mostly in Lyle’s direction. It wasn’t very hostile, but Hayden can tell Brent is far from agreeing with him, “In fact, more people should care. Like you.”

“I do care,” Lyle protests, his voice sounds an octave higher, “It’s just--”

“And, Hayden,” Brent is looking at her again, “You should do the play. If you want. You make a good Bethany.”

She blinks again. The statement is offhanded, because it sounds a lot like a compliment. Many times throughout the script, Bethany is described as being very beautiful and kind, people naturally gravitate towards her. Like Jessica, and definitely not like Hayden. She finds herself ducking her head, focusing pointedly on her shoes.

Lyle doesn’t like that. He’s already finished with the conversation, continuing towards the office. Finn follows after him again, and Hayden is left alone with Amos and Brent. Brent watches them go, “What’s up with them?”

Hayden shrugs her shoulders.

“They’re not pressuring you to drop out, are they?”

She shakes her head.

“Well,” Brent looks as if he wants to ask more, but he doesn’t want to pry, “I’ll give Khalil a good excuse for you. Doubt he’ll believe it though.”

“You’re going to lie?” Amos seems offended at even the mention of it.

“White lie,” he assures him, “Not a big deal.”

“Still a lie.”

“Thanks,” Hayden says to the both of them. After that, she’s going the way Lyle had went, albeit much slower and preferring to take her time. The school is emptying out at a snail’s pace, most of the jocks are gearing up for the season.

In the principal’s office, there’s a long line of students. Some discussing their new schedules, others checking the announcements for the week, and most in trouble. Mel, Jenny, and River are occupying the might-be-suspended seats in the far left corner of the office.

“Melvin,” Mrs. Rosher says from her desk, she’s one of the assistants that handles most of the students, “Are you going to call your mother this time? Or should I?”

Mel pulls a face, Jenny whispers ‘good luck’ to him, and River looks close to falling asleep in his seat. He makes it to the front desk, before Hayden, “She isn’t gonna answer.”

Mrs. Rosher crosses her arms, “Humor me,” and then leans around Melvin to point a finger in Jenny’s direction, “You’re next, Missy.” To which Jenny only rolls her eyes. While Mel makes his phone call, Mrs. Rosher turns her attention onto her, “Did you need help with something?”

“Did Lyle come in here?”

“Already left,” Charlene says, she’s standing behind Jeremy in line, who’s clearly hashing it out with Ms. Alan, the principal’s main secretary. Over what, who knows, “Told ‘im it was a lost cause.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?” Mrs. Rosher butts in, “Stop bringing your skateboard to school, young lady.”

“It’s how I get around.”

“Get a bicycle.”

“Forcing me into your conformative box, I see.”

“Next time I see that skateboard, you’re getting detention.”

Hayden doesn’t stick around to listen to the rest. By the time she leaves the office, the halls are more or less cleared. She takes a look around, moves to the window across from her, and from there - she can spot the football field. The jocks are already starting their laps and tosses, there’s a couple kissing underneath the bleachers ( she’s pretty sure it’s Zach Hill and a girl, she can’t get a good look of her face at this angle ), and the cheerleaders are busy lining up for roll call.

A few feet away from the bleachers, Hayden can see Lyle and Finn. By the time she makes it to them, they both look terribly intimidated to take a step further. Finn is the first to voice his concerns, “I’m scared.”

Lyle gives him a look, “Don’t be. Not like she’s gonna bite you or anything.”

“What if she does?”

“She’s a cheerleader. Cheerleaders are supposed to be nice.”

“I guess...”

Hayden watches the both of them. And true to his word, Finn does look fairly anxious. Lyle is really the only one who can keep him from running off. She looks away from them, towards the main field, where the cheerleaders are beginning to practice.

“This is useless,” Lyle finally concludes, Finn is hiding slightly behind Hayden, even though the cheerleaders had yet to notice them, “She’s not gonna listen to us.”

“Brent said I’m fine as Bethany,” Hayden tells him, her voice quiet. He gives her a semi-frustrated look, “I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“Jessica would play it better. Besides, she needs the ego boost. Probably.”

“How do you know?”

“Girls like her love to be talked up. If we just make her feel like the play needs her, she’ll come running back.”

“But--”

“Hayden should do it,” Finn says suddenly, his hands are curling nervously into the fabric of his Spiderman t-shirt, “Girls listen to girls, right?”

Hayden frowns. She’s never talked to Jessica before. Unless you counted the time in the beginning of the school year - Jessica had bumped into her and told Hayden to watch where she was going. They aren’t exactly best friends. She’ll probably have as much luck talking to a brick wall. But, if it means the group will stop constantly arguing, she supposes she can make an attempt. She crosses the field before either one of her friends can stop her, Becca and Brooke are the first two to notice.

“Oh, gosh,” Becca is already rolling her eyes, “Can we help you?”

“Try-outs results are final,” Brooke speaks from beside her, “Better luck next year.”

“I didn’t try-out.”

Both Becca and Brooke stare at her, like she’s grown a second head and they’re unsure of how to take it.

Jessica doesn’t look happy to have practice interrupted, “Band geeks aren’t practicing today. What do you want?” Even though the blonde is only a couple inches taller than Hayden, she is awfully intimidating, she guesses. And pretty, very pretty. Maybe she’s the type of girl Andrew would date, “Earth to weirdo, are you listening to me?”

Hayden blinks at her, “You should come back to the play.”

“Excuse me?”

“The play. You should be Bethany.”

Now, she looks amused, pink lips quirk upwards, “Khalil sent you then?”

Should she lie? She guesses so, “...yeah.”

“I knew it,” Jessica tosses blonde hair over her shoulder, “I mean, I heard he got a replacement, but I didn’t think he’d come crawling back this fast.”

Hayden kind of wants to tell her that she’s the replacement. But Jessica probably wouldn’t believe her. And if she did, she would laugh outright in her face, “So you’ll be Bethany again?”

“Sure,” Jessica shrugs her shoulders, “When Khalil apologizes.”

Hayden stares at her for a long time. Because there was no way that would be happening any time soon. But she nods, watches as Jessica turns ( she almost smacks Hayden with her hair ), and walks away. Brooke is still making a face in Hayden’s direction, “Are you brain-dead? Convo over. Move.”

Hayden does what she says, goes back over to join the both of her friends.

“So what did she say?” Lyle is the first to speak up, “Was she mean to you or anything?”

“She said Khalil needs to apologize.”

Finn’s expression visibly falls, “Totally not going to happen.”

And they were right. Because when the three of them caught Khalil during rehearsal, he barely acknowledges them. He’s busy talking with Nate and Urja when they enter the auditorium - Urja is covered in paint, Nate is already taking off his overly stuffed costume to reveal his pink t-shirt underneath, and Khalil has his customary rolled up script in his hands.

“Hayden!” Urja is the first to eagerly greet her, a jarring turn-around to the cheerleaders outside, “You made it.”

“You’re late,” Nate’s tone is sour, he pulls Johnathan’s prop crown from off his head, “If you’re not going to take this seriously--” A pen is suddenly thrown in his direction, nails him right on the shoulder, “Very funny, Brent.”

Brent, from the piano, gives him a thumbs-up.

“I hope you have a good excuse,” Khalil says, glancing at Hayden, “Better than Brent’s anyway.”

“I...was busy.”

Urja appears curious, “With what?”

“Talking to Jessica,” Finn blurts before anyone can stop him, “She wants an apology from Khalil or she’s not coming back.”

Khalil barely blinks, “An apology? For what?”

Hayden can already tell by his tone that he’s nowhere near in the mood. She shifts on her feet uncomfortably, Urja is glancing at all of them in surprise, and Nate definitely looks amused. Lyle leans forward, “Who cares. She wants the stupid role back, so let her have it.”

“It isn’t stupid,” Urja protests quietly, “And besides, we already have Hayden.”

“And she doesn’t want it back. She just wants an apology,” Khalil says, “Which isn’t going to happen. Ever.”

“Look, I get that you’re--”

“Do you? Do you really get it, Lyle? Or do you just do whatever Luis says all the time? I don’t think you understand the meaning of the play.” He lobs the questions at his band mate like projectile spit-balls, and Lyle is defenseless, “Have you even asked how Hayden feels? Do either of you even care?”

Finn looks sheepish, Lyle has stopped talking.

“Hayden,” She looks up at her name and surprisingly, everyone is looking at her. Even Brent, from across the room, “Do you want to be Bethany or not?”

The question isn’t that hard to answer. She takes a look in Lyle’s direction, who’s staring over at her pleadingly. Back to Khalil, he’s waiting. Brent, Urja, Nate - all watching, giving her plenty of time to reply. And after a pause, she does, “I think so.”

“Then it’s settled,” Khalil says, fixing Lyle with a cold look, “So, if you’re not apart of production, the auditorium is for cast only right now.”

When Lyle leaves with Finn, she feels bad. Every decision she makes, it seems, just makes it worse for the group.

The doorbell rings.

Almost immediately, her mother is quick to rise from her chair. She takes one more sip of her wine, then she’s scampering off to the door, only to make a sudden U-turn and wave Hayden over. She feels too dressed down now, after taking a good look at her mother ( who has on heels, a nice skirt, and pearls ). Hayden hadn’t taken the time to even change out of her clothes from school.

“You do it, sweetheart,” Hayden casts her a confused look, “Answer the door, answer the door! It’s your boyfriend, remember?”

Oh. Hayden didn’t know that was a rule. So, she stands from her seat as well, goes to the front door and pulls it open. Andrew is there, he’s dressed pretty casual, but he always looks nice. He lights up when he sees her, “Hey, am I too early?” Hayden lets him in, he shrugs off his jacket and hangs it on the coat hanger by the entrance.

Hayden shakes her head, “You’re on time. My dad isn’t here yet.”

“Oh,” he takes time looking around. She imagines her home is much different from his - small living room with couches too big that stretches into the dining room, the throw rug that her mother refused to throw out because of the sentimental value, and the many, many pictures of family dotting the wall over the old fireplace that they never used, “Is this you?”

He’s moved closer to the portraits on the wall, pointing to one in particular. It’s Hayden around her tenth birthday, skinny beyond belief and giving a less-than enthusiastic thumbs up from a hospital bed. Her hair has more or less grown back to ear-length at that point, and she remembers the summer she lost it all over again. Her mother had opted to shave it, rather than let it fall out on its own again. Hayden has a feeling that the hair loss during it all was harder on her mother than herself.

She nods, “It is.”

From a quick glance over the wall, she can see there aren’t many pictures of herself. Maybe three or four. One is more recent, a school picture from eighth grade. Other than that, just her in a hospital gown. She can see the questions on Andrew’s face. But her mother interrupts before he gets the chance.

“You must be Andrew,” she’s eager to greet him, holding out her hand for him to shake. And he takes it, “I’m Hayden’s mom. It’s very nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Winters. You have a lovely home.”

“Oh, you’re so sweet. Hayden, you didn’t tell me he was such a sweetheart,” She touches Hayden’s shoulder affectionately, but doesn’t look away from Andrew, “I was just about to finish up. You’re okay with--”

The front door opens, and in steps Hayden’s father. He spots them fast, removing his jacket and stepping further into the sitting room to shake hands with Andrew as well, “Hey! Andrew, right?”

“Yes, sir,” Andrew takes his sudden arrival all in stride, polite as always, “Thank you for having me for dinner.”

“Sorry I’m late,” Her father says, “Got here as fast as I could.” He takes a glance in his wife’s direction, only to see she’s pointedly ignoring him, “Is dinner ready, by the way?”

“Yes,” Mrs. Winters purses her lips sourly, “Let’s all go take our seats.” Hayden can tell that she’s trying, at least. She can’t remember the last time she actually sat at the table with both of her parents present, not in the last year or so, “As I was saying, Andrew, I hope you’re okay with roast.”

“Anything is fine, Mrs. Winters,” Andrew assures her. He waits until Hayden takes a seat, and goes out of his way to sit beside her, even scooting his chair closer by a couple inches, “It smells great.”

Her mother takes her time serving them all. First Andrew, then Hayden, dad, and herself. Prayer next, and then they’re allowed to eat. Hayden has found her appetite diminishing over the week because of the constant pile of stress. But she tries hard to not to let it show, taking hearty bites out of her steamed carrots and potatoes.

“So, Hayden tells me that you play soccer at your school,” Mrs. Winters pipes in, “Is it fun?”

“Oh, yeah?” Mr. Winters seems interested, “How long have you been playing, Andrew?”

“Awhile now. And yeah, it’s really fun. Once you get good at something, it’s kind of hard to stop.”

“I used to play football when I was your age,” Her dad gestures at Andrew with his fork, “Was gonna get a scholarship.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear about that,” Her mom says, smiling, “That was ages ago.”

“Yeah. We ended up having Hayden right after high school,” her dad continues as if he hadn’t heard her, “I said I was just gonna take a year off, and well - you know.” He laughs some, but there’s a certain edge to it. It’s quiet some after that, Andrew is poking his tongue into his cheek and casting Hayden a meaningful glance, “Anyway, so what about your team, you guys any good?”

“Andrew is Captain,” Hayden says, “And...I went to his games before. He’s really good at it.”

“You don’t even like sports,” Her dad points out, like her mother had done a few weeks prior.

“I like watching Andrew play.”

Her mother practically beams at that, “That’s good, that’s really good. It’s always good to have a girlfriend that supports you, you know.”

“I know,” Andrew is looking in Hayden’s direction again, he looks close to smiling. Underneath the table, his free hand nudges against hers. She’s almost tempted to take it, but maybe her parents would notice, “Ever since I invited her the first time, she’s been coming to every one since.”

“If you’re as good as you say you are, I might head on over to that fancy school of yours too.” Andrew and her dad laugh together, even though Hayden didn’t find it very funny. They must’ve done their own digging, or at least heard gossip around their very small town. Hayden hadn’t ever mentioned that Andrew’s school was an expensive one, she doesn’t even think she told either of them the name.

The conversation continues on pretty normal. Her parents could be a little embarrassing, but they weren’t being rude and overbearing, and that was all that mattered. Well - until her mother took a hearty drink of her wine to finish it off, and reached across the table to refill her glass.

Her father speaks up, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough of that for tonight?”

“This is my first glass,” Even Hayden can tell she’s lying from the flush in her cheeks, her dad makes a face at her, “What? You don’t believe me?”

“You really want to be wine-drunk now? While we’re having dinner?”

“I’m not--” She looks outright offended, glancing fast in Andrew and Hayden’s direction before she redirects her anger at her husband, “I’m not drunk.”

“How many glasses have you really had?”

“You would know if you were home on time.”

“Oh. So that’s what this is about--”

“Don’t make this about you, okay?”

“You just said--”

“You were the one late to meeting your own daughter’s boyfriend. And you think you have the right to use that tone with me?”

“I’m not using a tone. Let’s not do this now.”

“You started it.”

Hayden has already stood from the table. And Andrew hesitates before following her. Done with her plate, she dumps it in the kitchen, along with his, running them both under the faucet to soak. Andrew appears to be increasingly uncomfortable as the anger escalates, Hayden is pretty sure she even hears her mother curse.

So, she decides to take his hand, ducking them through the living room and up the stairs.

In her room, it’s much more quiet. Peaceful almost. When the door is closed, she can barely hear them. With that thought in mind, she turns to face Andrew, who’s lingering by the foot of her bed, “You can close the door.”

He appears hesitant, “You sure?” She must look curious because he says, “To close the door, I mean. We aren’t going to get in trouble?”

“Why would we get in trouble?”

He stares at her for a beat longer, then decides to do what she says. He closes the door, steps further in the room and takes a look around. She tries to see her room through his eyes - the walls are pink, the floor is an old wood, and her bed is small. Barely decorated, and with the limited decorations, it does look like a preteen lived here. Like Jade said. Hayden had never really thought of it that way before.

“It’s...cute,” Andrew finally says, his lips are tugging into an amused grin, “And pink.”

She tilts her head.

“I didn’t know you liked pink.”

“It’s an okay color. My mom painted it. I think she likes it more than me.”

He smiles wider, “What color do you like?”

She has to think on it, “Blue.”

“Blue.”

“Yeah,” Hayden takes a seat on her bed, its so old that the springs creak to life. When Andrew continues standing, she pats the bed for him to sit. He plops down beside her, he’s not as close as he was at the dinner table, but Hayden’s fine with it. She turns to face him halfway, he’s still looking around in interest, “I have something to show you.”

Her tone is enough to catch his attention, “You do?”

“It’s very important.”

“I’m listening.”

“Close your eyes,” His amused grin grows, he eyes her for only a few seconds before he’s doing what she says, “Keep them closed.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

There’s some shuffling, “Okay, open them.”

And when he does, there’s a very hairy face staring at him. Andrew blinks, Russo blinks right back at him. Hayden leans him close enough where his twitching nose touches Andrew’s, and he laughs, carefully taking the rabbit into his arms, “Who’s this little guy?”

Hayden reclaims her seat beside him, keeping a eye on the two of them, “Russo. Do you like him?”

“Sure,” Andrew holds him closer, lifting him to eye-level so he can get a good look at Russo’s face, “He’s cute. I mean, not as cute as you or anything, but comes pretty close.”

Hayden’s ears grow warm, she doesn’t think anyone is more cute than Russo. Or maybe, well, Andrew. Maybe.

“He likes you.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. He bit Lyle the first time he held him.”

Andrew’s eyes get wide, “Geez. Remind me not to get on his bad side.”

“Russo doesn’t have a bad side.”

“Mhm,” She watches Andrew for awhile - Russo is docile in his arms, sniffing curiously at his face when Andrew allows him to get close enough. She smiles some, she can’t really help it. Because she likes Andrew, and it’s a little bit of a relief to have him here, especially when the week’s been so hard.

“Thanks for coming over,” She says, “I’m sorry about my parents.”

“It’s okay,” Andrew reassures her, he lets Russo down to explore the expanse of the room on his own, “I’m glad I could meet them. Seriously, Hayden. Your parents are really nice.”

Not to each other, but she doesn’t say that out loud. She only looks to the floor, “And...I’m sorry I haven’t called you. I’ve been busy with the play.”

“You don’t have to call me every day or anything, it’s cool.”

“My mom says I’m supposed to.”

“You can call whenever you feel like it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Just to say goodnight?”

“Yeah,” He shifts closer, his hand is lying on the bed and is really close to hers, “Whenever you want.”

She watches Russo stop by Andrew’s feet to sniff at them, and speaks up again, “...I think Luis is mad at me. Lyle, too.”

“For what?”

“Because of the play,” His eyebrows lift, “They don’t want me to do it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” And she really doesn’t, nobody ever really tells Hayden anything unless they’re confiding into her. Because she’s just Hayden - she has two working ears and she never tells anybody anything, so she’s good with secrets. But she always feel out of the loop at most points, like everyone knows something and she’s the only one oblivious. People only really tell her stuff when its convenient for them, “I feel like I’m doing the right thing by being in the play, but no one else seems to think that.”

“Are you okay with being Bethany?”

A lot of people have asked her that question, or something similar to it today. And she thinks she’s just been saying what people want to hear in hopes it won’t stir too much trouble. Most of her life has been that way - doing whatever she could to satisfy the people around her. Luis, Lyle, Khalil. And there’s never been a point where she asks herself what exactly she wants, in life and in her friends and practically in general. Because she can’t remember a time when her opinions really mattered in the same sense everyone else’s. She’s more of a fade to the background type of person, someone you didn’t really look twice at, or expect to speak much. Like an extra in a movie.

Andrew doesn’t make her feel like that though. Even when her own friends, her own parents do. Andrew never has.

“Yeah, I thi - I know I am okay with it.”

Andrew looks at her, “Then you should do it.”

“Mm.”

“I believe in you. I’ll even help you practice your lines.”

Hayden blinks at him, “You will?”

“You come and support me at my games all the time, right? It’s the same thing,” She must look unsure, because he smiles at her gently, “I’m serious. Anything you wanna do, I’m behind you one-hundred percent.”

She eyes him, “What if I want one-hundred-ten percent?”

“Oh? That’s pretty high.”

She thinks he’s trying to get her to laugh, and it’s working. Soft smile comes first, he’s watching her, and the familiar warmth is back to her ears. Stomach too. That’s the first time throughout the conversation that she notices how close the two of them are, her knee is pressing delicately into his thigh, he’s angling his upper body towards her, and his face is close. His eyes drop down and then back to hers, and he’s leaning in, and she thinks she’s okay with that until -

“Hayden, sweetie--” Her mother opens the door and immediately stops when she sees the two of them. Andrew nearly dives on the other side of the bed, Hayden merely looks up at the call of her name. She stares for a long time, “Don’t close the door when you have boys over,” Hayden nods, “Andrew, are you staying for dessert?”

“Ah, no,” Andrew is quick to right himself, standing from the bed and sliding his hands into his jeans. He makes sure not to step on Russo when he does, “No, thank you, ma’am. I should be heading home, it’s getting pretty late.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” her mother says, expression slightly falls, “I wanted to at least apologize for earlier. We didn’t mean...It got out of hand. But we’d love to have you again.”

“Of course, Mrs. Winters. And it’s fine. Thank you for having me.”

Hayden is the one who walks Andrew to the front door. Her dad gives him one of those boyish handshakes and a goodbye. It’s a little cold outside, Hayden grabs her sweater on the way out and shrugs it on. As soon as the door is closed, she’s apologizing again, “I’m sorry.”

“About what?” He stops on the stoop, glancing over at her.

“Them.”

“Are you trying to ask me not to come over again?”

“I want you to come over again. I do really need help with my lines. I’m not good at...acting.”

“I’m sure you’re a great actress.”

She makes a face at him. He grins. She’s starting to like his smile more and more, which she finds a little strange. She’s never much paid attention to anyone’s features, much less their smile, “I like you coming over.”

“I like spending time with you. I like you, Hayden.”

In all those books she’s read, there’s been plenty of times where the lead compares the warmth in their belly to butterflies. Hayden can relate to that some now, “...I like you too.” It’s quiet between the both of them, Hayden is back to studying her yellow-striped socks - she’d left her shoes inside since she’d only be standing on the porch. But she can feel him staring at her.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?”

The question causes her to look up at him. He’s staring back, expression open. The butterflies might as well be compared to wasps at this point. She’s unsure of what to say, heart in her throat, mouth opening and then closing. It’s the first time someone’s ever left her speechless, not that she ever really has anything to say.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to. It’s just - I thought I’d ask. Because I’ve been thinking about it.”

“...really?”

“Nonstop.”

She smiles timidly, and he smiles back. Without a word, Hayden nods.

Andrew looks visibly relieved to see that. He’s slow with stepping towards her, he’s close enough where she can see each freckle across his face and the specks of different color in his eyes. Carefully, he leans in, holding her eyes. It’s only a second or two of a pause, and then his lips touch hers.

She’s unsure of what to do, hesitant to close her eyes just yet. And Andrew pulls back slightly, touches her cheek, his voice is very gentle, “Is this alright?” Quietly, she nods, swallowing once. He’s watching her closely, “You okay?”

Again, she’s nodding, “I want to...try again.”

They do.

Andrew’s lips are really soft and tender, coaxing with her own. After awhile, her eyes do fall shut, without a thought. She focuses on the feeling - of his lips pressing against hers, his hand curling around her cheek and big enough where his fingers touch her nape, his warm breath when he pulls away for just a second. This time, she’s the one kissing him again, lifting on her toes to get a better angle.

Once. Two times. Delicate kisses to his mouth until she is satisfied. When she opens her eyes, Andrew is smiling again. It’s kind of dazed and goofy, and she flushes a warm pink. He touches her hair, pulls her closer into his chest. Hayden likes how he seems more comfortable touching her by the end of the night.

And when he says goodbye, she watches him go.

Imogen was definitely right, kissing a guy that you really liked was nice. Very nice, and she hopes they get time to do it again soon. After awhile, Hayden glances over her shoulder and spots her mother peeking out the window, only to swiftly duck out of the way once she’s caught.

“How about this one?”

Hayden is unable to see, but only for a moment. Bangs are swept aside from her eyes, and she stares at herself in the mirror. From behind her, Mrs. Reed is peering over her shoulder, waiting ‘

“It’s...big,” The wig was big, or maybe Hayden’s head was too small. The hair is almost too-shiny, the curls large and princess-like, and it was blonde, “Is there anything else?”

“Sorry, Hayden. That’s all we’ve got. This school doesn’t exactly put all of its money into drama clubs,” She gives her a toothy smile, braiding her fingers through the wig, making it even bigger and fluffier, “It looks great on you.”

It doesn’t. Or rather, Hayden is just used to seeing herself on way. She hasn’t had long hair since she was around six. She vaguely remembers that it used to reach her lower back before it started falling out. She used to wake up with chunks of it sticking to her pillow. She stares at her reflection, and her reflection gazes back, nonplussed.

“This is how Bethany is supposed to look?”

“It says it in the script,” Mrs. Reed leans over her to pick up a can of hairspray, “She’s a blonde.”

“What’s so great about blondes...”

“Who knows! Ask my ex-husband,” The spray momentarily blinds Hayden again, she can feel Mrs. Reed plucking and tidying up the hair to her liking, “Okay. Let’s go get the stamp of approval from our trusty stage manager.”

Khalil is currently backstage, digging through an old chest of props. Urja is sitting on the floor at his feet, blowing dust on a particularly worn-out stethoscope prop. She holds it up for Khalil to see, “We can use this.”

“It looks like it’s from the sixties.”

Urja, optimistic as always, puts them into her ears and stands. Then proceeds to try and listen to his heart, “Works just fine to me.”

Mrs. Reed interrupts them, “What do you think?” She gestures melodramatically in Hayden’s direction. The wig definitely looks off-putting on her, in the casual clothes and makeupless face. But Khalil and Urja don’t seem to think so.

“I like it,” Urja says, removing the stethoscope from her ears. Khalil looks as if he’s relieved to have the attention off of him for once, “The curls are so pretty.”

“Yeah,” he obviously agrees with her, “All we need to do is get you fitted for the dress. Then we can start dress-rehearsal finally.”

“Oh! I forgot the glitter,” Mrs. Reed suddenly exclaims, turning on her heel. Urja goes to follow her, but not before putting the props back.

Hayden is quiet. Khalil takes that chance to touch her shoulder, “Don’t look so nervous. You look fine, Hayden.” She gives him a dubious look, “Okay, yeah. We can work on the disco curls. Other than that, you don’t look bad blonde. Your boyfriend might even like it.”

“Hey, Khalil!” Matt pokes his head behind the curtain, “Khalil, hey!” Lightly, he jogs over to them, but stops short when he catches sight of Hayden, “Nice hair.”

“Didn’t I tell you to check on lighting with Peter?” Khalil’s tone is exasperated. From her short time in the drama club, she can tell Matt is the one who needs the most guidance. And also has the most energy.

“Yeah, but I thought I should tell you--”

It’s too late, whatever he’d been trying to warn them about makes an appearance. Jessica Crimson practically tears through the curtain, Nate trailing after her to try and calm her down, which he is obviously unsuccessful with. She’s pink in the face, coming to a stop in front of Khalil.

“Are you serious?” Her voice is seething, “Are you really serious?”

Khalil isn’t bothered, it seems, “Cast and production only, sorry.”

“You can’t replace me, Khalil! You know you can’t. To even have the guts--”

“You quit, Jessica. Finding a replacement was my only option.”

“You’re full of it. Who even--” She catches sight of Hayden, it stops her dead in her tracks. She’s quick to move around Khalil, stopping in front of her, “You cannot be serious. You’re totally joking,” Hayden leans away from her. Like she thought earlier, Jessica is awfully intimidating this close up. Even more so when she’s angry, “This? This is my replacement, really? Who even are you?”

“You quit and then throw a tantrum,” Khalil points out, “How many times do we have to go over this?”

“She can’t even act!″

“How would you know?”

“Just look at her! And by the way, she’s shaped like an eleven-year-old boy.”

“I don’t know why you’re still here when I said cast and production only.”

“Classic Khalil and Jessica Argument 101,” Matt says from beside Hayden, he’d slunk away as soon as the arguing became louder, “Always stay outta the line of fire.”

Hayden doesn’t listen to that, she watches Khalil and Jessica go back and forth for awhile longer before she speaks up, “I think...” Both of them glance over in her direction, “I think I can play Bethany better than you.” Nate’s mouth falls open, Khalil’s eyebrows go up in surprise, Matt takes two steps back, and Jessica turns even more pink.

“What did you just say?” Her words are threatening, precise. If looks could kill. Before Hayden can say anything, Jessica continues, “You don’t talk to me. Girls like you, don’t talk to girls like me. And by you, I mean girls that look like they belong on my brother’s little league team. And--”

“You heard her, Jessica,” Khalil says, crossing his arms over his chest, “Guess this conversation is over then.”

Jessica looks as if she wants to say more, she’s darting her eyes back and forth from Hayden and Khalil. Finally, she tosses her hair over her shoulder, makes a show of bumping her shoulder with Hayden’s on her way out. This time though, she actually does smack Hayden with her hair. Khalil follows her out, just to make sure she actually leaves, and Nate is going after the both of them, but not before giving Hayden a slightly impressed look.

“Whoa,” Matt says, he looks mesmerized, “You’re way cooler than I thought you were, Hayden.”

Hayden doesn’t know whether she should take that as a compliment or not.

When rehearsal is over, Hayden is beyond tired in every way possible. Khalil is waiting for her when she comes out, standing from his chair, “Good job today. You’re getting better at your delivery.”

“Heard what happened,” Brent speaks up from the piano, he’s playing a short-lived tune that he seems to have written himself but never finished, “Stick it to the man, Hayden.”

“She told Jessica off,” Khalil is rolling his eyes at him.

Brent shrugs, “Same thing.”

Khalil returns his attention to her, quirking up at the eyebrows, “I’m serious, by the way. You did really good today, Hayden.”

She glances at him, he’d been a little stern today. She’d thought he was angry with her, maybe she’d been a little unprofessional with Jessica. Maybe she should apologize. She’ll consider it more tomorrow, “You really think so?”

“You’re kidding, right?” He has a small smile now, “The role was written for you.”

Those words stick some, even as she’s leaving the auditorium. The walk to her locker is a very quiet one, just her and her thoughts and her near-silent footsteps. When the school is empty like this, it almost has a post-apocalyptic feel and she’s always kind of preferred it like this. Near her locker, she slides down and takes a seat against the wall.

She hadn’t been lying when she said she was tired.

The last thing she expects is someone to sit next to her. When she lifts her head from atop her knees, she spots Luis. He’s quiet, not looking at her, pointedly staring at the row of lockers across from them.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“You just got outta rehearsal?”

She nods, watching him.

He works his jaw for a moment, “I’m sorry. About before. Snapping on you and everything.”

“...you should probably tell that to Khalil. He still seems pretty mad.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

Curling her arms around her legs, she brings them closer to her chest. Even with him so close, he still feels painfully far away. Which is something she isn’t used to, out of the entire group, Luis and her have always been fairly close. That’s just how things are. But recently, she’s beginning to realize she doesn’t know much about him anymore, not like she used to.

“What did you mean when you brought up Noah before?”

Luis pulls an ugly frown, scoffs underneath his breath.

“...I guess you don’t have to tell me now or anything. But soon, okay?” He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, gives her the smallest of nods. Quietly, she asks, “Will you walk with me to work?”

He’s quiet. And then he snorts some, “If I don’t, you’d probably end up kidnapped and on the eight o’clock news or something.”

After she retrieves a few things from her locker, the two of them walk together. First, a little distance. And then, Luis throws his arm over her shoulders and practically yanks her into his side.

“So, how did dinner with meat-head go?”

“Can you not call him that?”

“What else am I supposed to call him?”

“His name. Maybe.”

“Yeah, right. I don’t even know the guy.”

“You should. Get to know him, I mean. He would like you.”

“I doubt it.”

“I don’t.”

“You really think so, huh?”

“I know so.”

#hayden #writings #pda /#suicide mention /

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