#me in my first couple of years as an exvangelical

[cookinguptales]

are you forreal acting like youre some wise elder because youre 30? 😭 saying shit like "i thought people would get the context bc i lived back then" and "the early 90s were a different time" as if you lived it. your bio says you're 32 so you were born in 1990 at the earliest. you would've been a toddler when this was happening 💀💀💀💀💀

I'm acting like I knew these things because I knew these things...? And yes, I'll be 33 in a couple weeks so that time period checks out. When do you think I would've been in the target age group for the Disney movies that were coming out back then? Like, really do some math on when my relatives would have been most concerned that I'd be exposed to Disney movies. Do you think maybe it might be when I was 5-6 years old? You know, in 1995-1996 when Disney was first putting these policies into practice?

Like I'm genuinely glad you didn't have to grow up in a situation where you had to know about these things from a young age, but I did. I grew up in a family where my grandmother was a bigoted Sunday School teacher who went to Disney and abortion protests, my uncle was a pastor who preached intolerance from the pulpit, and my grandfather became legendary for his homophobic comics online.

I learned what being gay was from reading those comics when I was a child. Like -- I'm talking a seven- or eight-year-old child. Comics about HIV and AIDS and how gay people were going to kill us all by transmitting those diseases through mosquitos, if they didn't sexually assault everyone first. I didn't know any different because my parents, while less bigoted than their parents, still wouldn't allow me to consume media about gay people. They never even talked about them. That means that when I started puberty and started realizing I wasn't like the other kids, I had to start unlearning all that myself. And every morning on the way to school, I had to listen to my dad listen to talk radio about how people like me were ruining America.

Indoctrination often starts from a very young age, and like -- again, I'm happy if that's not a life you had to live. But I'm not sure why you're acting like it's an unbelievable one. Lots of people have lived that life, and my notifications have been full of them for the past 48 hours. I can't say I'm surprised that so many exvangelicals with shitty childhoods are on tumblr, but I've been saddened to hear the same story over and over and over.

I'm not sure what your story is, anon, but this seems like kind of a pitiful chapter in it.

[exvangelicalrage]

I took a couple weeks off from writing about christianity, and in that time, I decided to also take a break from therapy.

I've been going to the same therapist for the last two years, and I learned a lot from her. She helped me understand the true impact of religious trauma, introduced me to IFS and some other techniques that have helped me manage the maelstrom of feelings inside, and told me I was neurodivergent, which I'd always wished to be but thought the term didn't apply because I didn't have autism or adhd. 

But something about my therapist has been bothering me more and more lately, and that's this: she's an exvangelical, but still christian. 

When I started going to her, she told me that she had begun doing therapy focused on people with religious trauma, and then went to divinity school to help them more, which I fully appreciate and respect. She said she wanted to help heal the damage the church has wrought. But she remained christian throughout it all, and is even now a pastor. 

It didn't bother me at first. She was the first person I'd found who specialized in religious trauma, she was located in my state, she was clearly very smart, and she was obviously not trying to convert me back. 

But I realized recently that I've been holding back. I'm afraid to fully criticize christianty in front of her. 

In one session, I told her I flip off churches when I drive by—and christian billboards and yard signs and flags. And she flinched. Just a little. I noticed and said, "It helps cool the rage," and then moved on.

But I've never forgotten that flinch.

And now, every time I want to criticize christianity, I feel like I have to add the caveat, "Not all christians, though." But the truth is, I'm not sure I agree with the "not all christians" bit. Maybe I do a little—I recognize that there are nuances and gradation to christians, just like in every other group. But if I don't feel fully safe shitting on the ideology in front of her, how much more can I get out of my sessions with her?

The thing is, the closer I examine my rage, the more I realize it's not a simmering pot of boiling water; it's a raging inferno. 

A raging inferno I can't tell my therapist about.

christianity stole so much from me. Not just my childhood. Not just experiences and opportunities. Not just my self esteem and personal agency, which I've had to fight and claw to get back. But it took my peace. It took my calm. It ripped away my ability to have a normal, healthy life. It left me alone, isolated, and stranded, when it promised to do the opposite. It left me rejected and hated, when it promised to love me. 

I can't even have a simple conversation with my parents without knowing in the back of my head that they think I'm going to hell. 

They say they love me, and they do in a limited way. But that unconditional love they promised? It's not there. It can't be. 

It's not just rage swirling inside me. It's sadness. And grief. And deep, abiding pain. 

And for the most part, I suffer that pain alone. 

Aloneness isn't scary; in fact, overall I'd say it's a pretty safe place for me to be in. I'm an introvert. I've always sought it. And I'm not alone in every way. I'm married. I have atheist/non-christian friends. I still talk to my family.

But in this pain, I am alone.

christianity promised fulfillment, and instead, it left emptiness. It promised peace, and it left fury. It promised hope, and it left an empty chasm.

I guess I'm a little sad today.

But luckily, quitting christianity is a lot like quitting booze. It leaves you feeling sad, empty, and alone, a lot at first and less as time passes—but on the other side, there's a whole new world of beauty to fill up the hole with. Art, exercise, animals, people, life. And in the end, it's a million times better than the beforetimes.

But just for today, I'm gonna let myself be a little bit sad.

[sadgirlnoga]

looking for people who can volenteer as sensitivity readers for my ao3 story!

i have this story on ao3 called dancing in the devils auditorium, its the first ever story i wrote and it has a pretty diverse cast. the story takes place in late 2012 and focuses on julian, a 13 year old cishet white boy that comes from an evangelical christian household, on his first day of 7th grade he notices this other girl in his class named aya, a mixed jewish girl(ashkenazic father and cuban jewish mother) with a unique style that can pretty much be described as a mix of many types of jfashion, alternative fashion and inspired by cartoons and anime. they bump into eachother and start talking, afterwhich she makes him a tumblr account. but when he comes home and mentions her name to his parents they snap, out her as a "homosexual male" and forbid him from talking to her ever again. so he decides to investigate after his friends, marco and ben, convince him to keep talking to her. 2 days later and julian is sitting with his extended family, in which his dad mentions that julian talked to aya, while also outing her as trans in a very dehumanizing and degrading way, which aya overhears from the table across them. the next day julian is forced to stay inside the house because he isnt feeling well, yet he isnt contagous, alloing him to do his on research about the trans community and also allowing allowing aya and her friend tina to sneak past his clueless housekeeper and visit him, tina gives them some alone time and they end up talking, and than julian asks aya about her trans identity. aya reveals that shes not only trans, but shes also intersex and has klinefelters syndrome 48, XXXY. she opens up to julian about her bullying, religious trauma and mistreatment by the town she used to live in. after talking some more they both kiss but before they can establish their status aya has to walk tina home. tina and marco create a plan to set julian and aya up on a free movie date, which they end up successfully as the date ends with a kiss and they become a couple. as the story continues, both of their world begin to collide. aya helps julian think for himself and be a good boyfriend, and julian makes aya feel loved and helps her get over her past trauma and expiriences with horrible online relationships. there are also other characters that play pretty big roles in the story.

Im looking for:

Exvangelical sensitivity readers

Transfem sensitivity readers

Nonbinary sensitivity readers

Intersex sensitivity readers(preferably ones with Klinefelter Syndrome.)

Jewish sensitivity readers

Muslim sensitivity readers

Latinx sensitivity readers(preferably Cuban and Dominican)

black sensitivity readers(preferably darkskin black girls)

East asian sensitivity readers

Southeast asian sensitivity readers

South asian sensitivity readers

Bipoc sensitivity readers

Readers with cluster B personality disorders(preferably ASPD and HPD, also people with conduct disorder can really help)

Indiginous sensitivity readers

Genderfluid sensitivity readers

WLW sensitivity readers

Pansexual sensitivity readers

Transracial adoptee sensitivity readers

Sensitivity readers who are children of divorce

Shut in sensitivity readers

Physically disabled sensitivity readers

Intellectually disabled sensitivity readers

Sensitivity readers with all kinds of mental illnesses

Low income sensitivity readers

Older Gen Z sensitivity readers who were on tumblr during the early 2010s

And sensitivity readers who were in middle school from 2010-2014.

if your interested you can either comment, DM me on here or simply read the story on ao3 and comment there.

[pickledchickenetti]

I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye documentary

Tonight I finally watched the documentary I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. This documentary, released last fall, is about Joshua Harris admitting that he no longer supports the courtship model he pushed in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the followup, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. The first book, released just over twenty years ago, was released when he was an unmarried 20 year old, and the second was released three years later after he got married. A week and a half ago he and his wife announced they were getting divorced, and two days ago he announced that he no longer considers himself a Christian. I hesitated to write about the documentary given that he’s seemingly done more soul-searching since then, but I decided to share my thoughts on the documentary with a disclaimer that (unless otherwise stated) these thoughts are not about any of his beliefs that have changed since then. The process of leaving a faith system that ran your life up until then is not an easy process, and even if it often turns out to be a good thing, I still don’t wish that struggle on anyone. It’s a painful process full of soul-searching, and when you finally come out on the other side you’re met with people claiming you never truly believed anyway, which is a huge slap in the face. Coupling that with divorce must make it even harder, and I hope he seeks the help he needs and is able to pick up the pieces, move on, and build a new and happy life for himself.

That being said, I really disliked his documentary. I will admit that I had heard mostly negative things about it beforehand. While I tried my best to go in with an open mind so I could form my own opinions, I did go in knowing that a lot of people whose opinions I respect took issues with it. Now that I have watched it, I can see the basis for a lot of those issues. 

Early on in the documentary, we see a conversation between Joshua and his wife Shannon where they talk about the fact that they fell and love and married after the book was already popular, which forced them to adhere to the standards it outlined. At one point in this conversation the two of them laugh at why anyone would listen to marriage advice from an unmarried twenty year old. It’s a fair argument, and one that my friends and I had already mentioned earlier in our viewing. In the context it was presented, however, it almost seemed to set the tone for the rest of this documentary. Joshua pretty regularly expressed sentiments about how his book hurt people, only to turn around and give some sort of but. This book hurt a lot of people BUT they didn’t have to take my advice. A lot of folks felt it really damaged their lives BUT they could have just stopped reading. Many of my beliefs at that time maybe weren’t the greatest BUT it was other people’s fault for taking them too far. At no point in this documentary did I feel that he truly felt he was to blame for the hurt that others felt. 

In the months since I heard he had changed his beliefs and made this documentary, I have often questioned how much he should be held responsible for the effect his book has had on the last couple generations of kids raised in the church. It’s true that other people took the book to a much bigger place than he likely expected at twenty years old. And he and his wife were right in expressing the absurdity that anyone would listen to an unmarried twenty year old’s marriage advice. A lot of us wouldn’t even listen to a married twenty year old’s marriage advice. But does that absolve him of any and all blame? I’m honestly still not sure what I feel on this subject. 

What I do think is that this documentary did more harm than good. If he had simply come out and said “I understand that my book has done a lot of harm. I know longer believe in many of the things I wrote twenty years ago, and the book will no longer be printed. I hope all of those who were victimized by the things I wrote and said are able to find the help they need and move on” I would likely feel differently about him than I do now. All I saw from this documentary was a man pretending to apologize by placing the blame elsewhere. No one called for him to apologize, he offered it. Then instead of a real apology he gave the typical gaslighting apology of “I’m sorry if you felt hurt by my actions” which does not mean at all the same thing as “I’m sorry for my actions”. If he had never given a fake apology I wonder if I would have even felt that he needed to apologize, but because he did, I do. 

The other day I posted screenshots of tweets from Elizabeth Esther, a writer who was one of the interviews featured in the documentary. In a TED Talk, Joshua Harris cites a twitter conversation with Elizabeth as the starting point for his change of beliefs on the contents of his book. In her tweets, she says she regrets her participation in the documentary, as he did not seem to truly have changed his beliefs and edited things in ways that took her words out of context to make himself look good. She directly says “I feel used” in her tweets, and I feel for her. I paid special attention to her interview, and can understand why she might not like the way it was cut. I’d love to see the unedited interview. The sentiments expressed in her tweets almost directly contrast her message of forgiveness expressed in her blog post on the subject a year earlier, which was written in response to their initial interactions on Twitter. Knowing he was pulling that sort of editing trick less than a year ago does make me question his motives in being open about his faith journey in the time since. 

I want to believe he is genuine in all of this, and that he’s sharing this as a way to be encouraging. But for whatever reason I can’t shake the nagging doubt that he is the first of many who will say what they need to say to capitalize on the exvangelical movement that’s currently taking off on Twitter and in blogs. One thing that stands out to me in particular is that his recent post included his affirmation for the LGBTQ community and the fact that that post went up pretty shortly after Elizabeth Esther’s tweet saying he directly said to her that he didn’t affirm LGBTQ folks blew up on twitter. (An old tweet from December, yes, but a couple key exvangelical leaders on Twitter recently retweeted it.) I hope that in the time since he released the documentary he has come to feel differently. But in the documentary, which came out less than a year ago, he said folks who have acted on their same sex attractions “need to deal with that with God” before moving onto the next steps. I’m always wary to believe when people make a complete 180 on this subject very quickly because I am gay myself and it still took me years to shake off the negative opinions on LGBTQ folks that I was raised with. (I fully acknowledge that perhaps being gay myself makes it harder to do that 180 because it’s not just this concept you’re trying to stop hating but a part of yourself. I don’t know if that means straight folks can come around so much faster or not but I struggle to accept that it happens in the matter of months.) 

A friend asked me this afternoon if I had even read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which made me realize that I’m not actually sure. While I know I grew up very aware of it and the message it preached, I was given a lot of purity culture books and materials as a teen and I now have a hard time distinguishing which ones I did and didn’t read. For that reason, I am considering going in and reading it in the near future just so that it’s fresh on my mind and I can have a clear idea of exactly what is in that book in particular. I have a feeling that Joshua Harris and his journey is a subject that will still be relevant for awhile to come and I don’t like to share too many opinions on a subject without being as informed as possible. (I likely won’t post a long post about my thoughts when I do that simply because I don’t expect my opinions on purity culture to change much from re-reading an old book.) 

As someone who grew up in purity culture, this documentary just seemed condescending. He expressed the sentiment that “no one was forcing anyone to read this book” multiple times, only to finally admit closer to the end that “maybe some people were forced by their parents”. He regularly expressed that the reason his book became so harmful because of the way other people chose to use it, which doesn’t take ownership of the fact that he still was the one who gave them that tool. There were other books on the subject, sure, but none quite as well-known as his. And that makes him a leading voice on the subject, whether he wants to be or not. 

[bloodycrushedvelvet]

Hi, for the ask game, 3 and 7

3. Have you gotten emotional support from friends in deconverting/deconstructing? Would you like more support? Have you found any online?

My first year of actually deconstructing was during the 2020-21 lockdowns. During this time most of my support came from exvangelical tumblr. It feels like I went through the thick of it alone irl before I was able to get myself to therapy, and into a place where I could have in-person friends.

I'm still in therapy (and will be for a very long time lol) and that helps immensely. My closest friend grew up in a secular family so there's some disconnect there, but they have been incredibly supportive and willing to talk through things with me. One of my other friends also comes from a culty background; we get together every couple of weeks and chat about deconversion stuff.

If it were safe to do so I would love to help start a therapy group for ex-religious people at my university, but it has a LOT of christian organizations and a corrupt student government so that's not the best idea.

7. Do you like angels or demons?

Not really. I reblog creative and interesting depictions every now and them, but that's about it. I currently don't believe in a spiritual world. I especially dislike the concept of spiritual warfare (where the armies of angels and demons are literally fighting everywhere 24/7). Media where angels and demons feature prominently freak me out. Probably because it implies christianity is "actually correct" in that world.

[cumbersomelift]

Spiritual First Aid (Resources Pt. 1)

When I was deconverting at university, I spent months poring over sacred texts, spiritual commentary, and works of philosophy to try to find what’s true. I thought what I needed was a theological rehab – to detox from harmful ideas and to replace them with healthier ones. But what I really needed was more like spiritual first aid – something to immediately address the frustration and guilt I was experiencing right then and there. I mourned the death of God even as I rejected him, and I felt tangled up in this ambiguous sense of loss.

Apart from a few close friends, I deconstructed privately. I thought the more open I was about my questions the less social support would be available from my community. (This was only half true.) I had also internalized the idea that I was responsible for the spiritual well-being of those around me, so I should keep these potentially destabilizing questions to myself because to do otherwise would be morally irresponsible. I would have said that it’s like throwing the biblically inexperienced into the theological deep end (which is patronizing and ridiculous). So, I often felt alone. Years of immersion in evangelical culture made me blind to the shame-loops that fed that sense of isolation and deaf to the language I needed to describe my own experience.

Even years later I’m still figuring that out. But I’ve found the trick to unlocking that language is just tuning in to the right conversation. These days, they are happening all around us in podcasts, books, and other media. Some of the best advice to those deconstructing—and in general— is simply to keep reading.

So here are some of the resources that I had (or wish I had) when I was deconstructing, and a map to show how they meet different needs. After all, someone reshaping their faith (deconstructing) needs something different than a someone dropping it entirely (deconverting). Those of us who are hurting need something different than those who are rebuilding. So, here’s the chart I’ve used to help catalog the books I’ve found most useful.

The reverent/irreverent x-axis describes whether the author sees religion as sacred and useful or delusional and hurtful. So, on the reverent side, you have secular pluralists who see religion as a force for good and Christians boldly asking the hard questions in an authentic attempt to deepen their faith. On the irreverent side, you have secular thinkers who say organized religion is mostly just harmful, but it’s normalized in ways that make this hard to see. If you’re deconstructing as a Christian – because you think the earth maybe wasn’t created in 7 days or because the Bible is hard to make sense of – then I’d point you to the reverent side of this map. For those deconverted or deconverting, you might find the irreverent items more relatable.

The processing/structuring y-axis captures whether the writer is exploring the personal experience or writing about the structure of beliefs that follow. Writers who are “processing” are often those who have abandoned a formerly cherished belief and are working through that change out loud with friends. “Structuring” writers are a few steps removed from the tension but can help answer the question "What am I supposed to believe now?" These writers can help us replace bad theology with a healthier, coherent alternative.

For brevity, this post is focused solely on the processing quadrants – I’ll pick up the structuring quadrants another time. These are a handful of resources that I’d describe as being Spiritual First Aid because they help make sense of pain and can even provide community for those struggling. I have a few books listed, but many of these are literal conversations in the form of podcasts. As you’re reading these consider adding them to your Facebook feed, Spotify rotation, or Amazon wishlist.

Oh. And one last thing: the point of this series is to encapsulate for the church what it’s like to deconstruct and how that impacts relationships. If you’re a person of faith reading this, I encourage you to listen in on some of these podcasts yourself – not because I think they’ll deconvert you but because they’re a primer for bigger conversations. They can be immensely helpful if you want to know reasons people leave the faith, why they might harbor resentment toward the church, and whether your church is participating in these harmful practices (I know that I was). So, even if the quadrant is “for you” it can offer a sense of what experiences others are up against.

Irreverent and Processing 

These are conversations where people explore personal experiences of religious trauma syndrome, process the emotional damage of belief, and reject their spiritual upbringing with varying degrees of force. These can be useful for knowing you are not alone when you feel betrayed or hurt by religion in ways that are hard to express. They may even supply language to better articulate those experiences. Everything I listed here is produced by deconverted Christians who have firsthand experiences deconstructing their faith and fishing out the toxic ideas they once accepted.

The Life After (Podcast)

Here, two deconverted pastors interview courageous people about their journey of faith deconstruction, unraveling religious indoctrination, spiritual abuse experiences, religious trauma, mourning the death of God, and what it's like rebuilding a community after leaving Christian fundamentalism. Their trauma-informed approach and irreverent humor add levity to a series of heavy topics. (If this paragraph is the first time you've ever heard of spiritual abuse or religious trauma then you can read a short blurb about religious trauma syndrome (RTS) from one of the lead researchers on the topic, here.)

I found two episodes on purity culture and RTS with sex therapist Jamie Lee Finch to be especially illuminating. These are the episodes "Unbuckling the Bible Belt" and then “You Are Your Own.” The best introduction to this podcast might be the episode called “Born Again Again” with Katie and Joe Bauer who talk about deconstructing as a couple and what it’s like for spiritual leaders to leave the faith.

The Life After also has a Facebook group that began as a trauma-informed home base for listeners to relate their deconversion experiences, but now it hosts book clubs, a mentor network, and a stream of blasphemous insights from those who have deconstructed into non-Christian spirituality or secular humanism. They even have affinity groups focused on specific challenges like how to be body-positive after living in purity culture or deconverting in a marriage where one partner stays a believer. 

Born Again Again (Podcast)

Two former worship leaders talk through their own deconstruction experiences and how they make sense of their spiritual upbringing as secular adults. They have some fascinating stories about their experiences with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Hillsong movement. In fact, in "This Is Your Brain on Worship" the hosts share how they had a formula to help congregants speak in tongues based on hypnosis. Wild!

Another is "A Personal (or Abusive) Relationships with Jesus?" where the hosts show the dark side of trading religion for a "relationship with Jesus.” They start with the descriptions provided by Campus Crusade for Christ, John Piper, and Billy Graham to define what a relationship with Jesus means, then they break down how these definitions in any other context are textbook cases of abuse that are just normalized through false consensus. They also talk about what it did to them to buy into this relational framework themselves, and how Cru’s organizational structure can pressure young college students to do the same.

r/exvangelical, r/exChristian, e/TrueAtheism (Reddit Boards)

r/exvangelical and r/exchristian are moderated communities of post-fundamentalist Redditors. This might be of use for those who describe themselves as something like "culturally Christian but theologically agnostic.” It’s a moderated group of individuals that works like the Life After Facebook group. People share their experiences, seek advice, and connect on the process of deconversion. It’s a very welcoming, affirming community where pretty much every trepidatious Redditor is met with a chorus of supportive replies. 

r/TrueAtheism is similar but not specifically made up of post fundamentalists. It was recommended from the Born Again Again hosts. This particular thread of “honest questions from an atheist” is an incredibly exhaustive list of troubling bible verses and hard-ball questions about the faith that many of us may find relatable or articulate a dissonance we’ve experienced before.

Reverent and Processing 

These may be good resources for people who grew up Christian and have an active personal faith but aren't sure where they fit anymore. After all, the church has changed a lot in the last ten years. Maybe you describe yourself as a Christian mystic, agnostic, or just a believer trying to find your place. If the phrase "spiritual nomadism" resonates with you, you might feel at most at home exploring questions of faith with these spiritual thinkers. 

The Liturgists Podcast (Podcast)

Michael Gungor and Co. are believers in the in-between talking about faith issues and modern events in this podcast. Sometimes we conflate deconstruction with deconversion and overlook the ocean of gray area between Christian fundamentalism and secular humanism. This podcast is hosted by a community of believers that live in that space. 

In "Is Deconstruction Bad?" they talk about the emotions felt in deconstruction, the social cost (especially for spiritual leaders), and how to embrace a healthy outlook in the midst of it. It's a serious look into what is lost when we challenge our assumptions about faith and why it becomes hard to stop. A similar episode is called "Does Being Good Mean My Beliefs Shouldn't Change?" 

Among my favorites, though, is "Swapping Fundamentalisms.” Sometimes we move from one restrictive, dogmatic set of beliefs to another because we've internalized fundamentalism so thoroughly that we take it with us wherever we go next.

Faitheist: How an Atheist Found Common Ground with the Religious (Book)

Chris Stedman was raised in a staunchly homophobic faith community when he began to realize he was gay. His memoir is a story about his unconventional deconversion experience. Stedman would say that the hostility expressed by his church toward the LGBTQ community is hard to too similar to what new atheists express toward the church today. Stedman rejects militant atheism for a more pluralistic approach to interfaith relationships. He believes that mutually incompatible religions can exist in harmony and not just competition.

He's an atheist committed to interfaith organizing and believes that rallying faith groups on the common ground of our humanist ethics can help us create a better world together. If you think the new atheists are too harsh on religion or overlook the good that religion has does for the world, then you might be sympathetic to his approach. 

The Sacredness of Questioning Everything (Book)

David Dark a Christian writer who thinks that if you read the Bible and don't have any questions then you weren't reading very closely. "The God of the Bible not only encourages questions; the God of the Bible demands them." In The Sacredness of Questioning Everything, Dark talks through why interrogating our belief is a spiritual discipline and what believers fall prey to once they stop. 

Importantly, Dark shows how deconstruction isn't just for the deconverting. Instead, it's an act of theological hygiene. If the God we believe can’t accept protest, interrogation, or dissent, then we’re in trouble. In fact, without the right questions, our conception of God can exist strictly to keep us in line and keep our heads down so we don't get burned. Dark is a Christian who wants to disabuse Christians of that narrow conception of God and show why questions are essential for spiritual growth. 

Conclusion 

So there’s my spiritual first aid kit. Hopefully at least one or two of these resources will resonate with you. I can say that at different points in my life, each of these things provided an insight that made deconstruction less shameful and more clear. If you have other books, podcasts, or communities that have helped you process in deconstruction, then don’t hesitate to add them in the comments.

[thetwofour]

First Reformed

Release: May, 2018

Director: Paul Schrader

Production/Distribution: A24

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Amanda Seyfried

I finally got to see First Reformed and I cannot stop thinking about it. The film is viewed from the perspective of Ethan Hawke’s character, Toller, a pastor of a small, 250 year old church. As viewers, we see nothing outside of Toller’s scope (with the exception of maybe two scenes in the third act). We watch him struggle with his hope, not his faith, but hope, as he becomes involved in the lives of two environmental activists (Amanda Seyfried and Phillip Ettinger).

There are so many rich and potent conversations between Toller and the couple and Toller and the other local church and city leaders. In Toller’s conversation with activist Michael (played by Ettinger), Toller explains that the essence of life is basically holding “hope” and “despair” in the balance. We can’t have life without both of those things. I think that we see this later in the film (to be explained). In this conversation, Toller fumbles to defend Michael’s hope, arguing that “we are a scientific people” who can make progress for the environmental tragedies that have ensued and that “95 percent of scientist are in agreement” on climate change. This moment hit me. As a progressive, science believing Christian (who was once very conservative), it made me wonder if I am putting the lack of environmental progress too heavily on the shoulders of conservative, right winged, science deniers. If it is true that a large majority of scientist are in accordance and a majority of people around the world believe in climate change, do we really get to blame those who don’t “buy it” for our slow moving progress? Or are we not creative enough? Passioned enough? If a small minority of people’s “agenda” or mere disbelief is enough to put a stop to vital progress, how much do we genuinely care? Or maybe we too quickly become the Michael’s...whose empathy to the problem quickly turns to despair.

Later in the story, after Toller has become empassioned by Michael and Mary (Seyfried), he attempts to have a conversation with the other larger, contemporary, lukewarm church pastor in town. Toller is immediately shut down, Pastor Jeffer’s (played by Cedric the Entertainer) claims that they ought not to get involved in such political things. Toller, like many that identify as progressive Christians (hey, I’m talking about you #exvangelicals), is perplexed at Jeffer’s response. Taking care of the earth is quite literally one of the least political things one could do, as it hurts nor supports no one individual or party. The only people that benefit is everyone. Yet, the American church continually turns its ear away from any discussion of the environment. In my 21 years of going to church, I have only just starting going to a church that prays for the environment and a pastor that engages with his congregation about the environment (important to note, this pastor is not from the US, but South America). While Toller’s actions (more so, his intended actions) are extreme and dark, I can, unfortunately, sympathize with his need to be drastic. After being shut down and delegitimized for so long about something that should be so unanimous to those who claim to be Christians, his anger and frustration is understandably going to come to a head. Are his solutions helpful? Hopeful? Probably not, but there’s that despair again.

Without giving away too much (I’m sorry if I already have), I’m going to talk about the ending. When I was sitting in the theatre, watching the film end for the first time, I was livid. What a trope. How predictable. Of course that would happen. However, after considering the whole movie again (especially the statements of hope and despair), it felt less and less like a contradiction. However, after listening to Paul Schrader and Sofia Coppola discuss the ending on A24’s podcast, I love the ending even more. Schrader admits even he isn’t sure what the ending means, it could be that at the very last minute, all despair was returned to hope and all is well (sort of, with Toller needing some serious therapy). Or, in the words of Schrader, the Lord finally comes to Toller, for the first time in the whole film and says “you wanna know what heaven looks like, it looks like this”, and that’s what the ending means. I think the second option fits much better considering Toller’s character and spirituality as a truly devout Christian. I believe in that sweetness of paradise at our end. And I believe God is just as excited to welcome us to it as we are to get there, as Toller is.

The story is, obviously, one to chew through. One to sit on for a while.

On the other hand, the filmmaking is exquisite. The colorgrade, the shots, the minimal (yet effective) score, the vision, and the delivery from the cast. Absolutely astonishing. Hawke and Seyfried’s best performance possibly. Please watch this when you’re ready to think, listen, ponder, and feel the despair with the hope.

Thanks for reading!

Check me out on Letterboxd if you give a shit.

[exvangelicalrage]

I Dream of Demons With The Light Brown Hair

5/20/23

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare about demons. They were possessing all kinds of random things—clothes hangers, shirts, rugs, furniture. And I couldn't burn it all fast enough.

A couple of years ago, I dreamed that atheist-me moved to a new city and walked into a bar, only to discover belatedly that it was a bar for demons. The only way I could banish them was by becoming born again again. So I prayed for the first time since my Exit, and a brilliant blast of light banished all the pursuing demons back to hell.

I also have a recurring dream of wandering down a street and seeing a faceless someone pass me, and instantly knowing it is a demon.

And I swear the demon dreams never correlate to the evenings I spend watching Supernatural.

I do, however,  dream about demons more often than I'd like.

Honestly, demons was one of the weirder parts of the christianity I was raised in.

Because the thing was, I believed in demons. I believed they were roving the earth. I believed they were wolves disguised in sheep's clothing. That anyone around me could be possessed by a demon—especially non-christians. At least christians had the power of jesus to call on if ever faced with a demon. Non christians? Always at risk.

When I was 12, I read the screwtape letters by cs lewis. It's supposed to be an allegory about the nature of temptation or some such thing. But here's the thing: I was 12. I didn't know what an allegory was.

I understood that it wasn't strictly true. After all, how could cs lewis have gotten his hands on actual letters written between two demons? But I believed it to be a representation of the truth. And not the truth of temptation, but the truth of demons.

You'd be surprised where demons lurk.

For example, exvangelical-me can't do yoga. Nor meditate. Because doing so causes an intense spike of anxiety to rise up in me.

Why? Demons.

god it sounds absurd to say it out loud

But I was told that yoga & meditation open your mind to demons. Close your eyes, relax your mind, and they'll swoop right in and take over.

It's complete bullshit, but knowing how ludicrous it is doesn't stop the anxiety from boiling over every time I try.

You know where else you can find demons? Buddhists. Real tricky, those demons. They make themselves look soft and fat and squishy, so tolerant and caring and kind. But the moment you turn your back? They'll getcha.

You have to beware of pagan iconography and symbology too. "That which holds the image of an angel becomes itself an angel." That's actually a quote from Doctor Who lol, but the point is clear. "That which holds the image of a demon becomes itself a demon."

Sometimes I'm surprised by the potency of evangelical shrapnel. Demons? Really? How could such an absurd belief still haunt me? It seems like, upon stepping away from the religion, the first things to be exorcised would be the most ridiculous ones.

But the thing about demons, is that in the real world, people don't talk about them. There are plenty of cultural messages saying, "Hey, sex is okay!" and "No, you're not a bad person if we can see your cleavage!" and "Speeding isn't a guaranteed path to hell!" and "People aren't inherently evil," and "Who the fuck reads the bible every day? Nobody normal, that's who."

There aren't, on the other hand, cultural messages that say, "Hey! Demons aren't real!" or "You know atheists aren't actually humans possessed by demons?" or "Satan isn't literally literal."

So the memory of the belief randomly pops up—surprising, unwanted, unwarranted. During discussions of yoga, Buddhism, playing music backwards. And in my dreams.

I guess this is just one demon I have to exorcise on my own.