#me being able to cry is thanks to only taking 1/4 of my usual anti-depressant dose

[dummerjan]

today couldn't be more not-my-day i just want to scream and have a cry

[saddie-to-baddie]

January 15, 2023

Before I start my little A.I.P. experiment, I need to be honest about what my starting point is, otherwise I KNOW I'm not going to think there's any progress and quit.

For anyone stumbling across this and cares for a little background info, I have Multiple Sclerosis (Dx 12.2019) and have now been off medication since 11.2022 (thanks to an insurance hiccup/moving) and I'm eager to resume treatments because things have been ROUGH.

But being off meds has reminded me that I can and still need to take steps to keep myself under control as much as I can. So I decided to try out the Anti Inflammatory Protocol elimination diet again. 😅

So here's my baseline check-in:

1. I'm absolutely tired. I'm sleeping like trash, sometimes my own fault (energy drinks, going out, scrolling on the phone) and sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night and that's it, I'm up. Right now I've been up since 530am after going to sleep around 1am.

Fatigue: 7/10.

Quality of Sleep: 4/10.

2. Physically I don't feel as symptomatic in terms of loss of sensation and balance, but I feel SO bloated all the time, very 'crunchy' and constantly cracking and popping my back, fingers and more often than usual, my left hip. The hip is always unintentional but is loud and takes me by surprise. My skins been a dumpster fire and was breaking out all over, especially jaw/neck (most painful and persistent), back, side and shoulders and especially my hairline.

My left tonsil has been swollen and painful and producing a LOT of tonsil stones, body constantly aches, feet hurt, seems to be a permanent headache at play.

Bloating: 8/10 (Definitely look pregnant, but not very painful).

Pain: 6/10. Only occasionally using ibuprofen.

Weight: 191 lbs /pant size~16

I really am considering tracking body measurements but I feel like I'm going to lose my focus on feeling better if I don't end up losing weight so I'm going to try not to focus on these areas as much. Weightloss would be a welcome side affect of the diet since I've been struggling there, but my overall goal is to find the foods that make me feel so bad.

3. I've been trying to increase my water intake by using teas and Mio to flavor it but I have not really felt any improvement. My mouth is always dry, and I feel like no matter how much I take care of my teeth right now, my breath smells.

Hydration: 4/10

4. My mental health feels like a JOKE. There's not been a lot of time for just me, to be able to breathe. Between work, momming, struggling to square out my medical needs, and just life, I feel like I'm constantly in a state of panic and on the verge of bubbling over. I either cry or shut down completely mentally. Still have to be mom and take care of the dog, and get work done. But I don't even have the energy to stay up after the little one goes to sleep. I'm pretty confident that I'm asleep before she is lately. My patience is soooo thin.

I've been considering trying to get back on antidepressants but the idea of that scares me because I know it's a guessing game until we figure out the right dosage and med. The last time I tried antidepressants certain thoughts were at an all time high so I completely quit cold turkey.

Happiness: 4/10

Anxiety: 6/10

Depression: 7/10

Mental Clarity: 3/10

Ability to Focus/Understand: 4/10

Overall I feel like a trash bag of a person, mentally and physically. I don't feel like me, so let's see how much of that improves. 😬

[dee-nda-blog]

surviving withdrawal symptoms: day 1-6

okay so i have thought about it and i decided to make a simple journal of how i (barely) survived the first week of withdrawal symptoms from cipralex (escitalopram) dan abilify (aripiprazole).

- basic data

what i took: cipralex (escitalopram) as antidepressant and abilify (aripiprazole) as antipsychotic - occasionally clobazam as anti-anxiety and sleep inducer (but i dont really take this prior to withdrawing the first 2 drugs, but still)

how long i took them: abilify for almost 5 years, cipralex for a bit more than 3 years, clobazam for ~3 months

why i took them: basically in 2012 i was diagnosed with schizophrenia with the main reason was audio hallucination, and was prescribed to abilify with increasing dosage for months, and peaked at 25 mg/day (10 mg in the morning, 15 mg at night). after that i lowered the dosage and went off cold turkey in early 2014 because i thought i was getting better. however, later that year, my family had some issues that hit me hard enough that i was admitted to another psychiatrist in the city where i stayed for uni. the diagnose changed into major depression with psychotic symptoms (as i showed some tendency of being psychotic, but not severe enough to be schizophrenic). at this, i was prescribed to both cipralex and abilify. in late 2016, i had some sleeping issues and was prescribed to clobazam, which i only took for about 3 months as i thought the issue is not too disturbing to my daily life.

what issues did i have while consuming them: weight gain (like, i gained so many kilos i would rather not mention how many), gastrointestinal problems, sleeping problems, suicidal thoughts now and then (and the bravery to actually attempt some)

what benefit i gained after consuming them: my mood was kept in check almost the whole time (except prior to my decision to withdraw, i was in a very vulnerable state), i was able to function nearly normal most of the days

why i decided to stop taking them: expensive. they ruin my body slowly. i become slightly attached to them. i know i have said this but it’s fucking expensive i’d rather not spend any money on this anymore.

day 1-3 / 29.04.17 - 01.05.17

still not feeling any changes. i guess it’s because i still had it on my blood? idk, but from what i remember, i don’t really feel any change in my body. emotionally, i just felt kind of lacking motivation to do anything, and don’t have the will to interact to everyone. i had shut down my internet, leaving my worried dad thinking i might have done something dangerous. i didn’t.

at the end of day 3, i started experiencing brain zap and my body started to realize that something was off.

day 4 / 02.05.17

this day was pure physical torture. i hardly could move, as i would get brain zaps now and then. it happened so often, that sometimes i’d fall when i walk from the bed and the bathroom (fyi it’s only 4 steps away). my mind was hazy almost all the time (i remembered i answered my mom’s message on my group chat). my emotion was very unstable, sometimes i just felt empty and emotionless, the next thing i know i’d be a crying mess. not even ounce of happiness i felt on this day. i started to get very hungry from time to time, and craved salty foods very much. i would eat until i felt sick and vomit everything i just ate. my mouth felt very, very dry that it had hurt. i became too sensitive at light, so i never turn on my bedroom’s lamp until this very second (yes i am typing this in darkness and only have light from my laptop and bathroom). i tried to drink water as much as possible. i started to curse at everything and was very, very irritable.

at the end of day 4, i couldn’t seem to organize my thoughts very well, as i found myself rambling about nonsense things or spoke in a very distracted manner. my mind was all over the place and i couldn’t pick it all up and was very frustrated at this. i could hardly concentrate or focus at anything. i became very confused at simple things and that stressed me a lot. i had cried before i slept because i was hungry (it sounds silly but yes, it did happen).

one thing that was good that happen this day was having one of my housemate taking care of me by buying me lots of water. i had difficulties of explaining what is happening to me, and i don’t know if she understands what i’m going through, but i sincerely feel very grateful to her. you know who you are.

day 5 / 03.05.17

i had taken sleeping pills before i slept at day 4 (because i was hungry), so i woke up a bit later than i usually did. i had called my mom in the morning after i woke up and was a crying mess without a reason. my crying spell was worsening. i’d talk normally as i could but tears kept streaming down my face. i was very sorry that my mom had to witness that kind of state of myself, but i had no one to turn to. some suicidal thoughts had started to creep on my mind, but i was still sober enough to shrug them off. in the afternoon, my mood had become a bit better with some crying spells here and there, even i was able to joke around with my mom. i actually took proper bath and ate some vegetables and was feeling very drowsy. the brain zap still occured but not as much, but i started to get severe tremors and felt numbness at the tip of my fingers.

at the end of day 5, i took a sleeping pill again as i was being restless and all i wanted was to supress everything down to a sleep.

day 6 / 04.05.17

today i woke up at 6, drank juice and ate some vegetable, and unknowingly fell back asleep as the sleeping pill was still working. today the brain zap has lessened but not so much, but still, i think it’s a progress. i braved myself to go out to buy some water, but it was so hot and all, and i think it’s because i haven’t exposed to strong light and all that thing that happens outside my room, i felt very dizzy and started to regret my decision to go out. i was out of breath and i was hella tired even though all i did was only 15 minutes of being outside (and buying foods and water, but still).

i didn’t sleep as much today, but my body felt very, very sore. i wanted to move as much as i can to get my blood regulates normally, but i’d get dizzy everytime i stand up even with 5 minutes of sitting before i did so. i got very tired doing everything, even just lying down. i can’t seem to think properly, and as i’m typing this i had to type and retype everything so it would at least readable to whoever who’s going to read this. actually, this is one of my attempt to properly organize my thoughts. if you are never grateful of your mind actually think everything in order, please do. it’s so frustrating to have your mind betrays you, even worse if your body makes an alliance with your mind. if you think you had control over your body and mind, please be thankful.

it’s close to 9 p.m right now, and i think i won’t take any sleeping pills tonight. i will continue to write tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on, until i (hopefully) can be free of this withdrawal symptoms. some people said it’d take weeks, months, or even years, but i’ll try to write as much as i can. i just hope my fingers will always be able to type everything (because even now it just freezes every 5 minutes).

cheers!