#me and the edits where the second half of the song is just the same line over and over and it's all just will's face and the line is a vari

[gayofthefae]

Mike and Will - Subway by Chappell Roan, Mike POV

Yes, I did an edit to an unreleased song. If it's right, it's right.

@throne-of-crows @your-local-bi-guy @imatotallynormalteengirlok @best-thing-at-this-party

[moondancediner]

Love of my Life

summary: the dagger squad meets hangman's best-kept secret

jake seresin x reader

word count: 1490

warnings: no editing, fluff

a/n: this popped into my head the other night... enjoy! also this gif makes me CHOKE ohmylord

song rec: love of my life - harry styles

masterlist

It wasn’t on purpose. Nights when you and Jake ended up at the same bar were never planned, mostly because your friends from work always wanted to go somewhere downtown, and Jake’s friends from work always wanted to go to the Hard Deck so there was never a chance for the two groups to intersect. 

Tonight, however, your friends had enough of hearing about all your nights at the Hard Deck with your fighter pilot husband who drops by work every once and a while with lunch or a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. They decided to venture out to the Hard Deck tonight for your monthly get-together and you weren’t going to miss an opportunity to ogle at your husband from across the bar while he played darts and pool with his Dagger Squad friends who just so happened to be in town visiting. 

And that’s exactly where you found yourself on this lovely Friday night. Your friend walked over to your standing table with another drink for you and you thanked her with a smile. She immediately started diving into some workplace gossip, keeping her voice quiet since so many of your colleagues had managed to make it out tonight. You half-listened to her go on how bad the break room refrigerator smelled the other day but your real focus was on Jake who was playing pool with Phoenix, Fanboy, and Bob. He had Bob on his team and you were surprised to see him actually give the man a chance to play without correcting or coaching him. 

You knew all about the Dagger Squad, when Jake was first sent out here you followed him, even knowing this wouldn’t be a permanent duty station, and he talked about everyone he was competing against non stop. From the moment he came home after training you were getting a full rundown of the days happening (you were sworn to secrecy of the top secret events, of course). You learned quickly who was who, even if you never got the opportunity to meet them. 

After the mission, you were pulling out boxes and getting ready to move what little belongings you brought over to the island when Jake came home and surprised you to your core. He accepted a teaching position here on the North Island and you were staying for the foreseeable future. 

You were shocked but over the moon. Jake would be in one spot for at least a couple years and wouldn’t be off on deployments and missions so often. You could start a family and he could actually be there for all of it. 

“Hello? Anybody home?” A hand waving in front of your face brought you out of memories and a trance you hadn’t realized you were in. You laughed and smiled at your friend, but not before catching the eye of Phoenix, who totally caught you staring at Jake. 

“Sorry, sorry, got a little lost there.” You waved her hand out of your face and took another sip from your drink. 

“I’ll say,” she laughed, “I mean, I get it.” Her eyebrows wagged and you laughed heartily, throwing your head back. She was always complimenting your choice of husband and you had to agree with her, he was fine as hell. 

“Fuck, I think one of his friends just caught me staring,” you said once the laughter died down. 

“Remind me again why he doesn’t tell them about you?” 

“It started off as a joke,” you start, “he wanted to see how long it would take one of them to notice, and now it’s just an ongoing bet we have.” 

“A bet I am about to win, by the way.” Jake suddenly appears behind you and you’re happy to see him until his words sink in.

“You’re not allowed to interfere!” You point at him and he just laughs. 

“No interference, I promise.” He leans on the table you two are standing at and you almost forget about the bet for a second because his green eyes still captivate you even after all this time. 

“Well, what are you doing over here then?”

“See now, that’s where it gets interesting because someone caught you looking at me,” he tips his beer over in the direction of his friends, who scatter like chickens when you turn your head to look at them, “and they bet me $20 that I couldn’t walk over here and get your phone number.” 

“Hmmm, seems like fair play to me.” Your friend interjects, looking contemplatively between you and your cheating husband. 

A noise comes out of your mouth, somewhere between disbelief and betrayal. You only had one month left before the bet was yours and you could claim your prize and now this happens, the perfect opportunity falls right into Jake’s lap. 

“Did none of them notice the giant ring on my finger?” You hold up your wedding rings, which glint even in the dim bar lighting and Jake takes your fingers in his hand, bending them towards himself before placing a kiss on your knuckles. You swoon. It’s impossible not to. “Don’t try to distract me, you’re in trouble.” 

“Come on darlin’,” His hand fell away from yours but moved slyly around your hip, where it curled around the belt loops of your shorts, and just then, while his face was inching towards yours, your wedding song came on. 

“When did this song get added to the jukebox?” 

“I may have put in a special request.” His smile did you in. You met him halfway and when your lips met that familiar kaleidoscope of butterflies took flight. Jake pulled away just to smile at you some more before pressing a few quick kisses to your lips. When he backed away enough, you took the chance to look over his shoulder and see what his friends thought. 

The entire group was standing around, completely gobsmacked at what just occurred and you could only imagine what was running through their minds. 

“After you, Mrs. Seresin,” Jake whispered in your ear. You gave him the best glare you could but he just laughed and grabbed your hand to walk you over to the group of people you already felt like you knew. 

Jake chuckled as you got within ear shot. “Everyone, I’d like you to meet someone,” he pulled you under his arm and you automatically slid your own across his back, “this is my wife.” He said it with genuine pride, a stark contrast to his usual cocky tone everyone was used to. 

“Wife?” Rooster repeated, dumbfounded.

“Pick your jaw up off the floor, Bradshaw.”

You ignored Jake and introduced yourself to everyone with a quick wave. “It’s nice to finally meet you all.” 

There was a beat of silence while you watched everyone process what was happening, but Phoenix broke it with a laugh. “You’ve been holding out on us, Bagman!” 

“Yeah, what the hell, man!” Rooster seemed downright offended that Jake would keep such a secret from them and you couldn’t help but laugh. 

“It’s not all Jake’s fault,” You come to his defense, “we had a bet going, which I just lost.” 

“What bet did you two have?” Bob asked, coming forward to introduce himself to you properly. 

You shook his outstretched hand, smiling. “We wanted to see how long it would take for someone to figure out he was married.”

“You… you don’t wear a wedding ring?” Rooster seemed to be having the hardest time with this revelation and it was cracking you up. 

Jake pulled his dog tags out from under his shirt, proudly turning them around to display his gold wedding band that perfectly matched the one around your finger. They both belonged to his grandparents and he was so proud to give you his grandmother's band on your wedding day. 

Phoenix studied the two of you for a moment, watched the way you started to sway to a song and Jake immediately joined in, watched how his attention always drifted back to you, and how his entire cocky dimenor melted away as soon as you were near. 

“So, what’s the story? How did you manage to bag Hangman?” Natasha asked, leaning her hands on the pool cue in front of her. 

Jake pretended to be offended. “I’m not that wild.” 

You roll your eyes affectionately before diving into the story of how you and Jake met. It was nothing spectacular or anything you would want to make a movie about, but it was a whirlwind romance that ended in the two of you married in the Seresin family’s backyard three summers ago. 

When you finished your story, all smiles for your husband, Rooster raised his beer in a toast. “Welcome to the family, Mrs. Seresin.” 

Jake couldn’t help but smile. It felt good to let the team in on his best-kept secret, even if he was gonna pay for her losing the bet later on tonight. 

---

thanks for reading ily

Requests are open 🫶🏻

[valeisaslut]

Hi beautiful Val I have a quick question... did Ellie become obsessed with reader after or before knowing each other or even knowing about her? because I might've got it mixed for all of the info in previous chapters but was it like the type of 'I know about you but I'm gonna pretend I don't' or 'I know about you and I want to know more' if that makes sense... it's keeping me awake babes xx

hi my beautiful angel 😭💗 buckle up because this is actually such a fun part of their backstory and i’ve been waiting for someone to ask.

DID ROCKSTAR!ELLIE AND POPSTAR!READER KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER'S EXISTENCE BEFORE COLLIDE?

let's start: ellie had 100% known about you before you ever actually met. not in a stalker lurking through your spotify wrapped kinda way—more like… you were just one of those names that wouldn’t. shut. up. always on someone’s lips, always popping up on another feature or getting tagged in some thirst tweet. she couldn’t possibly not know who you were. especially because the word on the street was that you were a real songwriter, which, in her world, was rare enough to clock.

she first saw you at one of those bougie-ass industry events where everyone pretends to like each other and drinks taste like soap. you were standing under half-dead chandeliers, lit just right by the overheads, wearing something stupidly perfect—maybe velvet, maybe glitter, maybe both—and laughing like you’d never had to fake it. just… owning the room like it came with your contract.

ellie didn’t even meet you. didn’t get introduced. just watched from a distance like a freak and thought, great. another industry plant with a god complex. but then you threw your head back laughing—no cameras, no one looking, just you being you—and it hit her in the gut like, shit. that’s real.

that night, she half-jokingly asked dina, “is she cool or just hot?” and then promptly googled your entire discography when she got home, under the guise of “checking if the music’s mid.”

it wasn’t. it was really fucking good. and it stayed stuck in her head like a curse. made her want to write better. or kiss you. or both.

from then on, every time she was at an award show or some exclusive party, there you were. different dress, different hair, same effect. it became a little unspoken game—side glances across champagne flutes, catching each other’s eyes from across the stage, lingering a second too long when one of you passed the other on a carpet. no words. just tension.

and ellie? she played it cool. stone face, drink in hand, pretending she wasn’t absolutely clocking your every movement like a sniper.

your perspective? oh, you definitely knew about the fireflies. and you definitely knew about ellie. everyone and their mom did. that gorgeous woman with a voice like smoke and a band that made breakup songs feel like war chants. there wasn’t a single pop girlie alive who didn’t know her name, and you were no exception—even if you liked to pretend you didn’t care. but the truth? you cared a little too much.

one day, out of nowhere—half-drunk, hair still pinned from a red carpet event, makeup smudged just right—you fell into a very dark, very chaotic tiktok hole. you were supposed to be taking your lashes off. you ended up watching ellie williams thirst edits instead.

there she was. shirt half-unbuttoned. guitar slung low. sweat dripping off her jaw in 4K slow motion as some unhinged fan account played Arabella in the background. you watched it at least five times. maybe seven. saved it.

“okay,” you muttered to yourself, lying flat on your over-the-top-expensive satin sheets, phone three inches from your face. “so that’s fucking illegal.”

then came the edits of her talking—on stage, backstage, messing around with jesse and dina in grainy behind-the-scenes footage, mumbling into a mic mid-set like she didn’t just ruin the lives of thousands with one glance. there was one where she said, “this next song’s about hating someone so much you’d still fuck them,” and the crowd screamed. you sat up in bed like you’d been shot.

you didn’t even like rockstars. that wasn’t your brand. your brand was clean, curated, chart-topping bubblegum pop with just enough edge to keep the internet guessing. ellie? ellie was messy and grungy and covered in tattoos she refused to explain.

and yet.

when the next thirst edit rolled around—her in one of the fireflies music videos, a slow zoom of her in a wife pleaser, sipping a beer and staring into the camera like she knew—you slammed your phone face-down on the mattress and muttered, “okay. ENOUGH.”

spoiler: it was not enough. you watched ten more edits. saved all of them.

then, like a curse, you caught her watching you while you performed. she didn’t clap. didn’t even blink. just stared, jaw tight, drink in hand like she wanted to devour you or disappear. you weren’t sure which.

but you never talked. not once.

not until chapter one.

and when you did finally meet—when ellie sat on that leather booth in that club, all sharp jaw and sharper attitude—the energy wasn’t: oh, nice to finally meet you.

it was i know you. and you know me.

[aerynwrites]

Lost For Words

Gale Dekarios x gn!Reader

A/N: for the anon that sent in this request - I hope you and everyone else enjoys! I had such a fun time writing this haha.

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: sexual content (not explicit), grinding, reader is a tease, gale is a flustered mess, suggestive talk, kissing, fluff at the beginning.

*I tried to keep this gender neutral, but please let me know if anything slipped through my editing!*

It’s not often you get any downtime, what with the parasite in your brain and all. 

But this evening has afforded you and your companions a rare but much needed free night. Most everyone has decided to spend the evening down in the tavern, drinking or gambling or whatever other pastimes happen down there. However, you and Gale have opted to stay upstairs, reveling in the unusual peace and quiet. 

Gale had been reading to you for a while, a fantasy book of some sort, but you’d excused yourself a few moments ago. Not because you were enjoying lounging in bed with him, but because a certain item in your bag has been calling to you since you received it. 

The Wavemother’s Robe. 

It has been a gift for getting ride of that machine that was polluting the bay waters, and you hadn’t really had a chance to look at it. 

But now, after you’ve retrieved it and stepped behind the dressing screen, you find that there isn’t really much to look at, at all. 

As you slip into the delicate yet butter-soft fabric, you can’t help but notice that it leaves very little to the imagination. So, in that sense, there is a lot to look at depending on who’s doing the looking. 

The neckline of the detailed collar of robe plummets down in a tragically deep neckline, the end reaching your navel. And the skirt of the robe is much the same, the slits in the sides coming up all the way to above your hip, leaving the fabric covering yourself hanging dangerously loose in the front and back. 

For half a second, you're tempted to rip the thing off and get rid of it. The whole outfit is somewhat absurd. 

But, despite your question about the functionality of such a garment, you can’t help but admire the beauty of it. The blue, scaled fabric sparkles in the dim candle light of the room, iridescent light bouncing off the walls whenever you turn. Even the small delicate chains at your hips and resting against your sternum twinkle gently. 

When you look in the floor-length mirror you can’t help but let your mouth drop open slightly. 

You look…good. If not a bit exposed. 

Without thinking much about it, you turn and come out from behind the screen, approaching Gale where he still sits on the bed reading. If he hears your approach he doesn’t acknowledge it, only flipping a page every so often as you watch him in silence, a small smile on your face. 

He’s sat propped up against the headboard, legs outstretched in front of him and crossed at the ankles. He cradles the book gentle in his hands atop his lap, eyes trailing over the page quickly as he consumes the story. 

You take a couple steps closer to the bed, now just an arms length away. 

He still doesn’t look up. 

“Gale…” you call in a soft sing-song voice. 

The wizard merely hums, inclining his head your way ever so slightly, but never takes his eyes from the page. 

“Yes, my love?” 

You huff, rolling your eyes as your smile tugs further at your lips. 

“I wanted your thoughts on my new clothes.” 

You watch as his brows furrow, his thumb sliding down the page to hold his place as he closes the book before slowly turning to look at you. 

“Your clothes-?”

His questioning is cut off with the audible clack of his teeth as his mouth slams shut, his eyes going wide as they finally take you in, trailing from your head to your toes before whipping back up again. 

He blushes. Actually blushes - his cheeks turning several shades darker as his eyes flit over your form once more before he’s back to looking at you all wide-eyed and scandalized. 

A shit eating grin overtakes your earlier soft smile as you take the last few steps to the edge of the bed, reaching out to pluck the book from his hands to toss it to the side. 

“So…what do you think?” you ask, voice dripping sweetness. 

“W-what do I-? I - ehm…it’s certainly - revealing-“

You drop your lips into a pout as you crawl onto the bed, your nose barely brushing his own as you swing a leg over his hips to settle on his lap. The robe pools between you, but the position causes the silken fabric to rise up your hips even further. One wrong move and even less would be left to the imagination. 

Something Gale must take notice of, as he instinctively reaches out to tug at the fabric on your hips, keeping it in place as his fingers dig into the flesh beneath it. 

“Do you not like it?” you ask, feigning disappointment as you reach down to toy with the chain running down your chest. “I thought it was pretty.” 

Gale clears his throat and shifts his hips, the evidence of just how much he likes it evident against your inner thigh. 

“N-No not at all I -“ He coughs, the blush reaching down to his chest now, making his orb mark stand out against the flushed skin. “I simply was not expecting…”

His words taper off as you begin to trail a finger over the mark on his chest, following the tendrils up over his collarbone and onto the sensitive skin of his neck, making his breath hitch. 

“Not expecting…what?” 

“Well - I was deeply entrenched in m-my reading and then you come out like t - that!” 

His last word pitches up when you grind your hips against his own, his fingers now digging into your hip bones. 

You lean in close, lips brushing his cheek as you speak. 

“Thats a very…lackluster description,” you pout. “Have I left the great Gale of Waterdeep lost for words? What happened to your supposed verbosity? And I remember something about a practiced tongue -“ 

Your teasing words are cut off sharply as Gale's arms wrap around your waist and he flips you both over on the bed, your back hitting the mattress with a soft this just as his lips claim yours, swallowing your gasp of surprise. 

He wastes no time, his tongue pressing against the seam of your lips, demanding entrance. 

Something you happily grant him. 

The kiss is eager, frenzied, leaving no room for the teasing banter you had established earlier.

His hands move to slide down over your bare thighs before hiking one of them up over his hip and holding it there as he presses his hips down into your own. 

Only when his hips meet your own in a desperate grind does he pull away from you, lips moving instead to trail kisses down your cheek and jaw. 

“If you had given me a moment to collect myself,” he chastises lightly. “I would have gathered my wits enough to tell you how magnificent you look.” 

“Ravishing.” He presses a kiss beneath your ear. “Captivating.” Another on the junction of your shoulder. 

“Absolutely sinful.” 

A sharp nip to your collarbone has you gasping, just as a calloused hand slides up the exposed expanse of your chest, fingers hooking beneath the delicate chains there. 

“So…” He trails off, his lips traveling down to where his hand lays and then lower, pressing lightly to where the deep plunge of your robe ends. 

“Since you were so impatient, I suppose I’ll just have to show you as well. To make up for my lack of…verbosity.” 

A moan slips past your lips at his words, and you can't stop the shiver of excitement that runs through as his hands slip beneath the fabric of the robe. 

Maybe you’ll keep the robe after all. 

[hp-hcs]

• smut (?) • like a record, baby [soulmate au]—poly! simp! mattheo riddle x poly! simp! harry potter x poly! gn! reader

hey sorry i fell off the face of the planet for like two and a half months i fell back into my old hyperfixation and started a new blog just for that and lowkey forgot abt this one and kinda fell out of the fandom lmfao anywhore—

inspired by that one Dead or Alive song

tws: sort of smut? it’s mostly implied and also like two sentences and also doesn’t involve the reader whatsoever?, lowkey bottom mattheo tbh, blink-and-you-miss-it reference to potential harry self harm :(, so fucking ooc omg

not edited if you see any mistakes shhh no you didn’t

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

If I, I get to know your name / Well, if I could trace your private number, baby

Mattheo huffed, resigned. It was official; he’d finally have to talk to Scarboy.

Eight years.

Eight years of avoiding the damn boy. Eight years of ignoring the sudden sharp pains that would slice across his forehead, right where Potter’s famous scar was. Eight years of waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares that weren’t his own.

His fingers reached down on instinct to mindlessly trace the prominent soulmarks etched into his wrist. His fingertips skated over the sprawling lightning bolt mark that twisted its way up his arm, its branching lines crossing over part of his faded Dark Mark.

His fingers then marched their way across his scarred skin to the other soulmark. It was an odd black circle with a smaller red circle inside, and an even smaller circle in the center. Thin white lines following the curve of the circular shape were intermittently drawn on the black part, giving it a ridge-like visual texture.

He had no fucking clue what it was supposed to be. Neither did his mother, the one time he’d worked up the nerve to ask her about it.

Potter might, a little voice in his head whispered. He was raised by Mudbloods. If it’s a Muggle symbol, he might know what it is.

Fuck. He really would have to get over himself and talk to Scarboy.

~~~

I, I got to be your friend now, baby

“It’s a vinyl.”

Mattheo paused. “What?”

“The mark. It’s a vinyl.” Harry pushed his glasses up his nose where they’d started to slip down. “It’s an old-fashioned way Muggles used to play music.”

“Music? Is it an instrument?” Mattheo asked, his eyes lingering for just a second too long on Harry’s slender fingers. Potter had taken the news of being Mattheo’s soulmate surprisingly well. He’d just shrugged and nodded, saying he already knew.

Mattheo looks between his and Harry’s exposed forearms. His skin itches to pull his sleeve down, to cover up the shameful mark of his father burned into his flesh for eternity. Harry’s arm is also scarred, but in a much different way. Both bear the same circular soulmark—the vinyl, as Potter had called it—although their other soulmarks differed. Mattheo’s was the obvious lightning bolt, while Harry’s was a cigarette, puffing out a cloud of smoke that formed the shape of a snake.

And I would like to move in just a little bit closer

“Sort of,” Harry answered his original question, doing his best to explain as his fingers tracing the identical vinyl soulmark on his own wrist. “It’s just a plastic disk. When you put it on a record player, it spins, and a little needle follows the grooves. It plays whatever music was recorded onto it.”

“Uh huh,” Mattheo hummed in acknowledgment a half-second too late, too busy focusing on Harry’s fingers. Had they always looked that good?

Harry smirked and reached over, lacing their hands together. Mattheo’s skin promptly heated up about ten degrees and the skin under his soulmark sizzled with a pleasant buzz before radiating a soft silver glow.

That’s it. They were together; now, until forever.

~~~

Mattheo’s legs shook, his teeth digging into his lower lip hard enough to bleed. “A-ah~ P-Potter—”

“Nuh uh.” The man in question, currently hidden underneath a library table, pulled off. “That’s not my name, and you know it.”

“Harry!”

“That’s it. Good boy.”

~~~

All I know is that to me / You look like you're lots of fun

They refused to call it the Yule Ball this year. After all, the war was over, there was no reason to continue separating Muggleborns and Purebloods with something as silly as a school dance.

So, much to the horror of many a Pureblood parent, Hogwarts was hosting Prom this year.

Open up your lovin' arms / Watch out, here I come

Harry was having a blast. Admin had insisted on only playing Muggle music at Prom, and it had been a wonderfully painful mix of *Nsync, Outkast, and Ricky Martin.

“You have to dance with me,” Harry demanded, pulling Mattheo out onto the dance floor by his arm.

Mattheo stumbled, still not used to the odd formal attire Muggles wore. (A tuxedo, Harry had informed him it was called.) Although he’d never say it aloud, he preferred the tux over his usual dress robes. So much easier to move around in; why were dress robes ever on the table as an option?

~~~

You spin me right ‘round, baby, right ‘round / Like a record, baby, right ‘round, ‘round, ‘round

You spin around in a circle with Hermione, both of you doing your best to teach Pansy Parkinson—Hermione’s soulmate—how to dance anything other than ballroom-style.

All three of you were laughing like mad, spinning around and around until you all got dizzy.

All three of you tried to stumble off the dance floor and back to the table you’d called dibs on earlier in the night. As you’re stumbling back, dizzy, you bump into a pair of men.

Suddenly, your outfit feels a lot stuffier than it did before. You feel hot all over.

One of the men grabs your bicep to try to steady you. His hands are slick with sweat. The other also looks rather warm, his face flushed. All three of you stare at each other as a bright silver glow emanating from three people’s wrists suddenly cuts through the dimmed lights of the dance floor.

I want your love.

[dangermousie]

Middle (sort of) of 2024 list - cdrama edition.

Yeah I realize it's neither the end of the year, nor half a year, but what's the point of being predictable? It's also gonna make my end of year post easier. This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2024; if I watched it but it was made in a different year, it’s not on the list.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

42 My Divine Emissary - it's actually a pretty good drama year when the worst cdrama I've checked out this year is merely utterly shrill and brain dead but not horrifyingly offensive to good taste.

41 Fight for Love - they had wonderful actors and a great premise and utterly wasted it. There might someday be a good drama about a female general torn between a royal and an enemy general but this ain't it.

40 Peacock in Wonderland - I am a few decades too old for this brain dead fest but I am glad Zhou Jun Wei is not canceled at least.

39 Her Fantastic Adventures - honestly, this, MDE and Revenger are all the same type of subgenre - they aren't offensive they are just as empty as air. This also suffers from casting an utter dud as ML and a charisma boat as SML. Why?

38 Lady Revenger Returns from the Fire - the main thing I remember from this is that Miles Wei must have stolen the wig maker's parking spot. That wig is the one that should have gone into the fire.

37 Your Trap/Imprisoned Love - the plot of this mini made no sense but the softcore vibes of sanitized 1990s cinemax were on point!

36 Fox Matchmaker: The Red Moon Pact - it's so pretty, so full of gorgeous costumes and actors and I enjoyed the first few eps, but ultimately it was like watching colorful paint dry. It was so dull, I couldn't even hate watch it, and that is more damning than anything.

35 The Unexpected Marriage - cutesy dumb period romcom. Could be worse, not that this is much of a praise.

34 Love’s Rebellion - so twee, so precious, so full of cutesy awful CGI and actors who aren't bothering. I am not sure why Zhang Linghe and Jing Tian are in this mess that looks like rainbow vomited on a xianxia set.

33 My Wife's Double Life - her life may be double but her brain is only half.

32 Jade's Fateful Love - I lost some braincells trying this one, but (a) it's gorgeous and (b) no transmigration say you? Multiple transmigration in first ep alone! Good for you, makers!

31 Follow My Heart - how do you have Luo Yunxi, Song Yi and Cheng Lei and waste them so utterly? First few eps were nice and then it's like exercise in how much you can tolerate before you call it quits.

30 Sword and Fairy 4 - it's kinda a mess but I loved the actors and some of the plots and you can do worse.

29 Blossoms in Adversity - dumb as a set of particularly dumb bricks and ML I don't think could act if his life depended on it, but it was strangely addictive and I watched it often before better dramas. It's just a genuinely good time somehow!

28 Judge Dee - it's not you it's me in action. It's smart and gorgeous and well acted, I just don't do procedurals.

27 The Substitute Princess’ Love - it's like some of those trashy web novels I enjoy. It was clearly cut, its budget was equivalent to loose change found in the pockets of makes of Fox Spirit Matchmaker, but it was a surprisingly fun watch, though I enjoyed the first half better than the second. Also as a drama old, it was a fun blast from the past seeing Dylan Kuo (if you have never watched the old twdrama The Outsiders, what are you even doing with your life?)

26 Rise from the Ashes - a wacky as hell mini where reborn FL wreaks revenge with help of her fake uncle as they carry on as some sort of Borgia/Phillip II of Spain fame hybrid. If you don't need to use your brain, you could have a worse time.

25 The Legend of Heroes - it suffered from me seeing other versions of this tale before that I liked more and not loving how dark looking it is but that cast is A+ and Wang Hongyi was a revelation as Yang Kang.

24 Beauty Strategy - a mini of what a few years ago would have been a proper angsty drama of palace scheming enemies while lovers, powerless emperor etc etc. Honestly, I loved it.

23 Lovesickness - this year's gender-reversed Ancient Love Song, not as artistic or good but still a good time about a woman traveling back in time and falling for a powerful but doomed duke.

22 Fragments of Kylin - demon slayer falls for a demon; this one came out of nowhere and didn't have much of a budget but is surprisingly lovely.

21 Enslaved by Love - the only reason it's not the most fucked up drama on this list is because Shadow Sect, Palace Shadows and Burning Flames exist. The ML is toxic enough to be banned by the Geneva convention but FL does get some of her own back and also if you ever wanted to see blindness curing sex, boy do I have a drama for you!

20 Secrets of the Shadow Sect - head of sect lady and her very very subby bodyguard. What's not to love?

19 Palace Shadows: Between Two Princes - ML pretends to be his own twin, bdsm and sluttiness ensues. I cannot even explain how wild this drama is but the acting is on point and way way fun!

18 Dashing Youth - I had no expectations of this drama (either indifferent to or dislike everyone in the cast, wuxia and wuxia-adjacent is rarely my genre, the number of characters is huge) but I loved how under its bright colors, it eventually gets very dark (it's quite old school that way) and somehow I am invested in everyone in the huge cast. This being a prequel to The Blood of Youth makes us know the fates of many of the characters and this adds the air of tragic inevitability to it all.)

17 The Last Immortal - a surprisingly sweet and touching xianxia that works largely because Zhao Lusi and Wang Anyu are so so so so solid separately and together.

16 Burning Flames - the most gonzo drama on this list. I love it for committing to insanity as it should (if you pick insane source material, commit.) Humans taking on the worst Gods since Olympus, fur and chains, sentient crystal FL, ML who goes from Crown Prince to mine slave to rebel leader, bare chests and fur, demon elves, a villain that leaches color from the world - this drama has everything and I loved its unhinged glory.

15 Lost You Forever 2 - it would have been higher except it fell apart in the last third so badly I am still wondering how the makers could misunderstand their own characters and their own narratives so badly. The first season was a masterpiece. This is a hot mess.

14 The Princess Royal/The Grand Princess - I am in the minority of finding this drama very mid. The acting was fine (except for former eunuch dude), the writing was fine, but I never really got invested alas. I don't even know why. I think it's just not my type of narrative; there was no intensity.

13 Different Princess - a ridiculous amount of fun and ship about an author falling through to her own novel and falling for the villain.

12 Sword and Fairy 6 - I love this tale; the young OTP (a whale weapon and a clone of her trigger? More wholesome than you think) who are so ride or die for each other, the other amazing characters (sect leader who has to live as a man and her "twin" who is an ancient trapped spirit, a wolf demon, etc...) It's just genuinely good and proof that targeted to younger audience doesn't have to be bad.

11 In Blossom - sure, we all know JJY can't act, but the narrative was so fun and the visuals were so gorgeous and Liu Xueyi so gorgeous and magnetic in his first proper Male Lead role, it was all worth it. I liked the first half when they were still cautious of each other more than the second but this is just a good time!

10 Hard to Find - my second favorite mini on the list, this is an aesthetic feast. The doomed couple from enemy kingdoms, the vengeance, the twists - if ever a mini deserved to be a proper drama, this would be it. But alas, if it was they'd probably not let it.

9 The Double - unhinged web novel vibe done so perfectly in the inimitable Yu Zheng style. The leads were so good even the amazing villains didn't truly steal the show. Like with a lot of cdramas, it lost a lot of steam in second half for me, but still a great watch.

8 Fortune Writer - the best mini this year and better than most "proper" cdramas (Douban raters agree), this tale of villains in love fighting the narrative has a lot to say about writing cliches and writing conventions. I love how clever it is and how it actually made me care for the characters.

7 Tender Light - except for that ending, this was in the running for my favorite 2024 cdrama. The writers' lack of ability to commit and carry through pushed it lower but otherwise it's a genuine masterpiece. The acting, the chemistry, the looping narrative, what it has to say about abuse and complicity of society and blazing your own moral path is something else.

6 Derailment - who knew a little quasi scifi modern would be this high but this one is amazing. If you watch one modern this year, make it this one. Our FL is a rich girl a little in the future who somehow wakes up in a different timeline a few years back in the body of that universe's version of her (who is poor and has been missing) and her one connection is a young man who was in love with that universe's version of her. I don't want to say more so as not to spoil because the twists are twisty but this is EVERYTHING and also addresses transmigration, what it means to love, what is ethical etc etc. And that OTP!

5 Snowfall - a fever dream of a vampire narrative set in an alternate universe of the Republican era, it's gorgeous, passionate, hella queer and just like watching the most amazing fanfic come to life.

4 Heroes - a complete masterpiece about three men about to be on the scrapheap of history in the Qing Dynasty about to fall (a constable devoted to obsolete norms, who spent his whole life studying for the imperial exam which got canceled, the world's best swordsman in the era of guns, and a former imperial guard who emerges from prison into a different world) whose stories intersect as they search for treasure and the women and other people in their lives. This is smart, impeccably acted, filmed in a stunning way, bleak and funny at once and - I don't use the term masterpiece often but I will use it here.

3 The Legend of Shen Li - I am often indifferent to xianxia that suffers from too much CGI, hella immaturity and not enough stakes. Shen Li is everything. It's gorgeously filmed, it's adult, it gives the story time to breathe and centers it on characters and relationships. And the OTP is everything you can ever dream of - it reunites Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin, totally healing those Princess Agents wounds - their chemistry is still utter fire but the narrative supports them every step of the way.

2 Eternal Brotherhood - if JoL2 did not come out this year, this would be my favorite cdrama of the year. It's clearly a passion project with a small budget but this complex and grim tale of three rather different sworn brothers in a world at war is gorgeous, smart, well acted, dark and inspiring at once. There are shots that take my breath away, the love stories are amazing, the pace is perfect, and ohhh our complex mainsssssss.

1 Joy of Life 2 - nothing can beat this masterpiece. The first season was perfect and somehow the second is even more perfect. It's smart, it's funny, it's heartbreaking, the cast is still impeccable and Zhang Ruoyun still gives a completely jawdropping performance as the focus of all the madness Fan Xian. If you watch only one cdrama this year, make it this one.

FAVORITE DRAMA

Joy of Life 2 - there is not one second I forwarded, not one unnecessary scene, not one weak link character. It's a smart, fierce masterpiece.

Eternal Brotherhood is a runner up - it came out of nowhere and owned my whole heart. It's the sole other cdrama this year where I did not ff a second.

WORST DRAMA

My Divine Emissary - honestly, this is a decent year because even this drama was just "forget it" not burning hate.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Fan Xian (Zhang Ruoyun), Joy of Life 2 - how could it ever be anyone but smart, irreverent, fierce, broken, idealistic, funny Fan Xian. The man who fights against the horrors of the universe, who remains human while being so larger than life. This character is everything.

Runner up: Zhou Luo (Zhang Xincheng), Tender Light - idealistic loner who refuses to compromise his principles even as it would be easier to, even as it destroys his life, ZXC has always been a solid actor but here he is beyond.

Alternatively, Zichuan Xiu (Yang Xuwen), Eternal Brotherhood - only way to describe Xiu is "trauma sunshine." He's funny, he's irrevocably fucked up, he is magnetic and intense and he fights for his hopeless ideals and he breaks and he keeps going.

or Xing Zhi (Lin Gengxin), the lonely ancient god discovering the pleasure of life for the first time in aeons.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Shen Li (Zhao Liying), The Legend of Shen Li - so fierce, so certain, so alive. She is a goddess but ZLY made her feel so real.

Runner up: Nan Ya (Tong Yao), Tender Light - an abuse victim who keeps trying to find a way out, she's strong and damaged and complex and honestly, one of the best performances this year.

Alternatively, Jiang Xiao Yuan (Liu Haocun), Derailment - she makes a character that in other hands would be boring or trite, someone I want to reach through to the screen and protect and love.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

99% of the denizens of the town in Tender Light - selfish every day denizens monstrous because of their very everydayness - they watch abuse and choose to blame the victim and gossip and enjoy the view. I hated them all.

FAVORITE SHIP

Shen Li x Xing Zhi, The Legend of Shen Li - the chemistry, the yearning, the slow inevitable collapse into admittance, the way he protects the world and she protects him, the way they dance around each other, her being the aggressor, his surrender to forbidden emotion, their utter mutual belief in each other's competence. They are everything to me.

Runner up: the OTP in Derailment. Those two went through some mind and soul breaking stuff and made it out.

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Amusingly enough, Fu Xin Bo is the male actor in both - the crossdressing sect leader x wolf demon OTP in Sword and Fairy 6, and First Prince x Eldest Princess in Joy of Life 2. What can I say, man knows how to pick them. Those OTPs are both utterly adorable!

If we are talking about an OTP where it's not that it's not the main but it's not a ship-centric drama so they don't get much time, then we have either Fan Xian x Lin Wan'er from Joy of Life 2 - she is his peace and sanity

and Si Yilin x Ka Dan, Eternal Brotherhood - they are both such desperately good people in a mad world, tender with each other despite surrounding cruelty.

NOTP

The couple in Fox Spirit Matchmaker - such pretty people, and so bland and boring and pointless together. It was kinda amazing.

FAVORITE SCENE

God, so many good scenes this year so far - Fan Xian watching the death of the old censor and the aftermath, in JoL2; his confrontation with Wan'er after she finds out about the truth behind her brother's death, the scene where he poisons Second Prince, his scene with the registrar. Xiu giving up his future to protect the surrendered soldiers only to come back and find Di Lin executed them all in EB, the scene in Ning's bedroom when he tells her how he really feels because she can't hear, the very end of that season and Di Lin striding into the light, Ka Dan and SYL's night. The last scene of LYN and his girl in Heroes, the way Heroes always intercuts the golden past of the guard and princess and the dreary present (especially when we see her bicycle spin out of control back when and her husband lose it in the present and this time there is nobody to catch her), the big reveal in Derailment and the hairwashing scene, Mi Lan touching Vamp Daddy's face as their thing in Snowfall, and the cage stuff etc etc.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Shen Zhiheng (Gao Weiguang), Snowfall - Vamp Daddy made me hormonal in a way I haven't felt for a cdrama lead since the heady days of Darren Wang in The Wolf. Those outfits, that hair, that height, that restraint, that lack of restraint. THE CHAINS

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Liu Duan Duan as Second Prince in Joy of Life 2 - what a performance! Unhinged, magnetic, pitiable, terrifying and always mesmerizing. The Second Prince is Fan Xian's foil and a worthy one. LDD is always a great actor, and with a role that actually gives him something to sink his teeth into - wow!

MVP OF THE YEAR

Liu Yuning (Heroes, Eternal Brotherhood) - there is only one actor who somehow managed to be a main character in two of my five top 2024 dramas. His ruthless, driven Di Lin in EB, who knows he's doomed as the ruler's executioner but has no other way forward, and the man out of time (best swordsman in a gun era) in Heroes are both unforgettable characters in amazing dramas.

ACTING SURPRISE

Ouyang Nana - Li Muge performs miracles. He made Yang Chaoye be good in Heroes (2022) and now Nana, who was always as wooden as a post, is a revelation as blind abused girl who becomes a vampire in Snowfall.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

Joy of Life 2 of course - I need to see the looming confrontation between Fan Xian and the emperor, though not sure how that will pass censorship.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

FF button has cured me of finding contenders for this category, but perhaps cutting out a lot of terrible acting and lack of stage presence of "not yet a eunuch" dude in The Princess Royal, would have improved it.

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

Lost You Forever 2 - there were other issues with it, but all the cuts couldn't have helped with coherency.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Same as last year - the emperor cannot be irredeemable. WTF, China, you are a communist country! Though they are nibbling at the edges this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Men (and women) knowingly fighting for a doomed cause because otherwise they'd cease to be who they are.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Lost Your Forever 2 - the first season was my favorite drama of 2023 but LYF2 just fell apart so so so badly, it was almost fascinating. It totally eviscerated the characters and the meanings of the story.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

Three out of the top 5 dramas on my list are not dramas that were on my radar at all before airing - Heroes, Eternal Brotherhood and Snowfall were not anything I anticipated, let alone I realized how much I'd love them. Same for Derailment and Tender Light. This has been a year of surprises.

2024 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

I have honestly watched almost everything I wanted. Strange Tales of Tang Dynasty 2 will be the one I will list since I still need to finish s1.

BEST NON-2024 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2024

Strange Tales of Tang Dynasty - I, a procedural and mystery hater (especially when there is close to no romance) somehow fell like a ton of bricks for this gorgeous, smart, impeccably acted show.

MOST ANTICIPATED

This is always a bad idea and kinda a curse but I really really want The Story of Pearl Girl, with Zhao Lusi and Liu Yuning because I love them separately and together and the thought of them reuniting is a dream come true. Also Eternal Brotherhood 2 (it's filmed but they can't air it until a year from EB1), Love of Nirvana with Ren Jialun and Li Landi, and Snowy Night: Timeless Love with Li Qin and Zheng Shunxi.

[seeingivy]

better than revenge

actor!eren x f!reader

**part of my method acting fic

previous part linked here

an: this is 11k and tweets on tweets. buckle in. if you find the typo in the tweets shut up

songs mentioned: see you again by tyler the creator ft. kali uchis, end game by taylor swift, and vampire by olivia rodrigo

--

The following morning, the buzzing energy in the townhouse is almost palpable. Not only because you’ve finally completed the set and the last four people have arrived – Erwin, Bertholdt, Ymir, and Historia – but it seems that your intense energy from the night prior seemed to have transferred over to everyone else. 

You’re almost too embarrassed to walk downstairs to the frantic chatter – that coupled with the fact that you’ve heard Connie name drop you almost four times – and it seems that Eren seems to be feeling the same when you walk out into the hallway to find him awkwardly lingering by his  door. 

“Hey.” 

Eren looks up, thrown out of his spiral of thoughts, as he gives you a smile and then looks down at your lip. It’s a little sore, the tiniest bit swollen from the tattoos that you got yesterday, and you can see that his is the same. 

“Hi princess. How’s your lip?” Eren asks. 

“Good. I guess I should be thankful that your name is only four letters and not nine letters like Bertholdt or something.” 

Eren smiles. 

“Let’s see it then.” Eren responds. 

You oblige his request, pulling down to show him the inner of your lip and watch as he smiles at the little ink. He follows suit after, making a rather dramatic display of crouching down to your height before pulling his own lip and showing you his. 

“You know, life really does imitate art. Because now, my name really will be forever on your lips.” you respond. 

“I sure hope not. You’d be slashing my head off sometime in the near future if that were true.” 

You smile. 

“You know, that doesn’t sound that bad to me.” 

“But you have to kiss me after. You know, if it were up to me, I think life should imitate art. Like at least ten times, for scientific purposes.” Eren responds, shrugging as he gestures for you to follow him. 

You shake your head, inexplicably unable to respond to the harmless flirting this time around, as you gesture for him to join you downstairs. The two of you walk in tandem down the steps, sparing each other one last smile, before you get hounded by the likes of Connie and Jean. 

And surely enough, the second you make it down to the kitchen and the dining table at the side, you’re met with the sight of Connie air-playing fan edits on the TV screen for everyone to watch. 

You and Eren take the spot behind Connie on the couch, and Eren smacks him on the backside of his head, before you two watch the edit. It’s of Eren singing Glimpse of Us in the background, except the video’s edited to be showing videos of him and Hyla, before juxtaposing them with videos of him and you. 

“Speak of the fucking devils. Don’t tell me you actually got matching lip tattoos? I’m half convinced you assholes are just lying to piss me off at this point.” Connie asks. 

The two of you look over and grin at each other. 

“Why are you watching fancams of us on the TV?” you ask. 

“Edit accounts are a form of art. Look at this one.” Connie responds, sliding to the next video on his phone. 

This one is in a similar vein, videos of you and Eren from the red carpet to the backdrop of you singing Style. You’re not sure what it is, but the video fills you with an insurmountable amount of joy, especially when Connie scrolls up the comments – most of them being about how people can’t stand how Eren seems to look at you. 

“Connie. Why have you watched this entire YouTube video?” Eren asks, pointing to the little thumbnail at the side. 

You follow the line of vision to where he’s pointing to an hour long video, entitled “eren and y/n creating love for an hour straight.” 

“There’s no way you watched that entire thing.” you respond. 

“Watched it? Bitch, I recorded half of those videos for Y/N-Jaegers back in the day. Please put some respect on my name.” Connie sneers, as he leans forward to put the video on. 

You turn to Eren, as the gears start turning in your head. You can tell that he’s following your lead – in fact, thinking the same exact thing as you – as you discuss it over. 

“I mean, kind of makes sense. S’how we did it the first time.” Eren responds. 

“I’d argue that it’s almost poetic to do it the same way. Plus, the resurgence of Y/N-Jaegers would be crazy, just for PR sake.” 

“I agree.” 

Eren reaches forward, yanking on Connie’s ear to catch his attention. He leans back, before swatting Eren off, and standing to face the two of you. 

“Do you have your phone, Connie?” Eren asks. 

“Yeah.” Connie responds. 

“Then, use it.” Eren responds. 

You give him a grin, waiting for Connie – who albeit, in his confusion lifts his phone – before you both pull down your lips and show off your new tattoos. You watch as Connie’s eyes nearly boggle out of head as he moves closer to the two of you, his excited voice filling the entire room as the group of them all start huddling around you. 

Mai and Mikasa look positively appalled, quietly whispering about how painful that must have been, while Reiner and Sasha break out into their own side tangent about how oppressive lip tattoos must be since they limit your food options so greatly. 

You and Eren laugh as you shuffle back into the kitchen, leaving the group of them to their devices as Connie uploads the video, and the two of you reach for the yogurt in the fridge. The piping hot, spicy ramen seemed like it was just going to burn your entire lip off, so you decided against that for today. 

You lean forward to read the little schedule on the fridge, though the filming is considerably light for the week. Considering the fact that almost everyone was here now, or arriving within the next hour, you were going into serious rehearsals for the ensemble showcase that you had planned. Though you were really only in it for one verse. 

Wednesday, March 27th, 10:00 

Eren and Y/N - REDACTED #1 

You frown. 

“What the hell is redacted number one?” 

Eren spins to the side, crouching down so his chin is just hovering over your shoulder. And the fact that he lowers his voice, to the gravelly octave, makes the hair on your arms stand up on its ends. 

“Levi not talk to you about this yet?” 

“No. We’re too busy talking about award show stuff. You know how he loves to lecture.” 

Eren looks over at you, his eyes borderline smoldering, as you can’t help but look away. It was getting harder and harder to look at Eren after your godforsaken realization last night.  

“From what I hear, what they’re lecturing you about is actually very valid.” Eren responds. 

You scoff. 

“You know, they’re so annoying. I’d appreciate it if they kept my conversations with them as private as they keep their conversations with you.” you respond. 

“Well, they were actually trying to get me to convince you to not use your triple threat performance on me. Not when you’re already performing twice that day, with me at the centerpoint.” Eren responds. 

When you had first pitched your idea for the awards show to them – and humbly begged them to give their ensemble showcase moment up to include the Jujutsu Kaisen cast – you had let them know that your intentions were from the get go. 

And when Eren had created the perfect segway for them with the song requests, Hange had slipped theirs in a week prior with maybe the most difficult request that you had been given yet. 

write a song about danny and sareen 

And even more than just writing it, Hange had made it very clear that they were expecting you to sing it at the award’s show at the end when you finally got to do your triple threat performance. That you couldn’t sing another song about Eren, when winning that award, was always going to be about them. 

Hange’s more theatrical than Levi. Because Levi just gave you the cue card that they have read off of that night, that had your name on it. But Hange had gone the full ten miles and given you the little trophy that you never even got to hold, with the note that came attached from the Institute. 

You can still see it now in the dull, gold looping. 

Dear Y/N, Danny, and Sareen,  Congratulations on your accomplishment! Included in the box is the trophy and a golden glass case to display it in. Please call the offices on Glass Avenue to discuss timings for interviews and your performance at one of our four award shows next year.  Best,  The Institute 

And annoyingly enough – despite the fact that it was your name on the trophy, their names were inscribed on the box. 

It was enough to irritate you into writing the song that Hange wanted you to sing. And at this point, you were itching to give them a run for their money too. 

“They didn’t need you to convince me. I gave in eventually.” you respond. 

Eren shrugs, before dipping his own spoon into your yogurt. Eren had instinctively given up the last strawberry one because it’s your favorite, but clearly, wasn’t very attached to his decision.  

“I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to make it about Danny and Sareen in the first place.” Eren responds. 

You shrug, leaning against the back of the fridge. The metal is cold on your back, as you let the freezing cold yogurt soothe the burning in your mouth. 

“Well, I only came back here for Marco. Because he won’t ever get to act again. Then when I started to do this, I was only doing it for you – because you did it for me first.” you respond. 

“And now?” 

“I thought back to what Historia had said to me, when she finally dragged me out of that house the first time. She had brought up Hange’s speech, the one way back when that made me even interested in acting in the first place. About showing the real you and all that.” you respond. 

“And?” Eren asks. 

“Well, Hange brought that up to me, when I originally said I wanted the third song to be about you. Not that you’re not important to me, but…being a triple threat was what I always wanted. And really at the core of it, I just wanted to be as unapologetic as  Hange was. I guess when they put it that way, it was almost stupid not to make the song about them when they’re the one who got to take the sanctity of that award away from me.” 

Eren smiles. And before he can respond, you’re tackled by two pairs of arms nearly strangling you around your neck, your line of vision telling you that Eren’s experiencing the same bombardment. Ymir and Bertholdt are shaking his entire frame and jumping at his side – and your ears don’t deceive you when you hear Historia and Erwin bellowing in your ear. 

You pull back, wrapping your hands around Historia’s face. 

“You crazy bitch. Don’t tell me you actually got a fucking tattoo again?” Historia asks. 

You grin, pulling down your lip to show the group of them. 

“Well, I’d be a fucking liar if I said that.” you respond. 

Erwin, in his theatrics, places a hand over his chest and the other one on the top of your head. 

“That’s my girl. Always had such a sound moral compass.” Erwin responds. 

You can’t help but wrap your arms around him as Erwin lifts his hand and gestures for Eren to join him at the other side. He still smells the same – the lingering scent of Old Spice deodorant and a very husky perfume. And when he pulls back, you can’t help but feel your heart squelch when he puts a hand on both of your cheeks and beams down at you two. 

“You’ve always been our little trail blazers, you two. I’m so proud of you two.” 

You turn to Eren and smile, before looking back at Erwin. 

“We’re proud of you too, Erwin!” Eren responds. 

You turn your head to the side, giving Eren a confused look. 

“Don’t flatter me, Eren. I’m not above crying in front of you children.” Erwin responds. 

“I’m offended you would even think that, Erwin. Don’t you know who I am?” Eren responds. 

You shake your head as you turn towards Ymir and Bertholdt at your side and leave Eren and Erwin to hype each other up for what was probably going to be the next thirty minutes at your side. You had already given up trying to understand Eren and Erwin’s relationship years prior. 

“Hey, kid.” Ymir says. 

“I’m older than you.” you respond. 

“Yeah, yeah whatever. I have someone I want you to meet.” Ymir responds. 

You follow her line of vision to the opening of the kitchen, to find someone lingering against the frame of the door. There’s a girl standing there, with tan skin and a short pixie cut – nervously knitting her fingers together. She’s smiling at you, rather brightly, and you can't help but feel like you’ve met her before. 

“Y/N. This is Sofia, my fiance. Sofia, this is Y/N.” Ymir states, gesturing for the two of you to shake hands. 

You oblige, her hand warm and the shake firm, as you try to hide the shock in your face. With the rush of everything that was going on, the information that Mikasa had shared with you days prior had been floating around in the back of your mind but you were never able to ask Eren to put it to rest. 

And now there was another lingering question mark hanging. 

That Ymir had proposed to Historia, but that she said no. That she begged her and Historia couldn’t bring herself to do it. But even despite that, they were still sleeping on the same mattress when you came back for the first time, for Marco’s funeral. 

And now she’s engaged to someone else. 

“Hi Sofia. My name is Y/N. It’s really nice to meet you.” 

Her eyes light up as she squeezes your hand, which you now realize is still locked in with hers, as you look back up at her and smile. 

“It’s really nice to meet you too.” she responds. 

“You know, you look really familiar, but I can’t exactly place why.” you murmur. 

You look to your side to find Ymir grinning at Sofia, as Sofia can’t help but groan in response. 

“I told you she would remember you.” Ymir states. 

“That doesn’t count as remembering me! A lot of people can look familiar to people!” Sofia responds. 

You smile, rubbing your palms together, as you look at the two of them. The thought of Historia a few feet away talking to Jean and Mikasa has you sweating, nervously passing your eyes over just to make sure that she wasn’t watching the entire interaction go down. 

“Have I met you before?” you ask. 

Sofia sighs, the slightest pink tint in the apples of her cheeks. 

“This is so embarrassing. I met you and Eren a couple years back, at one of those conventions with the panels and stuff and –” 

The recognition is instant. 

“Oh my god! You were wearing a shirt with my face on it! With your sister, right?” you respond. 

“I fucking told you she would remember! She has really good memory.” Ymir responds, this time goading her on. 

You shake your head at Ymir, before placing your hands on both of her biceps and squeezing. 

“Sofia, wait. I really remember that because it actually meant the world to me at the time. I’m sure you…know about Scott Clarkson and all that mess and –” 

“I want that man dead and I’m so serious.” Sofia deadpans. 

You laugh. 

“You and me, both. But yeah, that day was actually the first time that Eren and I had ever met him in person. And the entire event in general was just so uncomfortable and left a weird taste in my mouth and you…you really made me feel like I was doing something important and I actually thought about it for a really long time.” you respond. 

Sofia smiles, before she reaches forward and wraps her arms around you. The embrace is overwhelmingly warm, as you eye Ymir behind her back, who's just shaking her head at her demeanor, almost insinuating that this was what she did all the time. 

“I’m really glad. I really meant what I said back then and I’ve always been a big supporter all this time. You’re really brave and courageous and –” Sofia stars. 

“Okay, Sof. Enough. You’re going to make poor Y/N’s head bigger than it already is.” Ymir groans, as you turn back to your side. 

“That’s really sweet of you. How is your sister?” you ask. 

You’re not sure what it is, but it’s almost like you’ve thrown ice on the little warmth that was pooling in the conversation. Because her face slightly droops and Ymir’s quick to put a hand on her shoulder in comfort. 

“Ah. She passed away a few years ago.” Sofia mumbles. 

“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up and –” 

She smiles, enough to give you the faintest glimpse of her dimples. They remind you of Eren. 

“That’s okay. That’s actually where I met Ymir. At the grief group.” she responds. 

“You went to a grief group?” you ask. 

“Well, not originally. I was there with a friend, a while before Marco died. Met her there. We were already dating when Marco passed away, but…we just figured it wasn’t the best idea for Sofia to come to the funeral with…you know. Historia.” Ymir responds. 

So why did she sleep with Historia on the mattress? 

“I’m glad you’re here with us now. It’s really nice to meet you. And I love weddings, if Ymir can humble herself enough to invite me to hers.” you respond. 

“Shut up, bitch. You’re so annoying.” Ymir responds. 

That’s what she says. But it sounds more like are you crazy? Of course, you’re invited. 

“Anyways, I hope you come to set later. Eren and I are going to be filming something if you want to watch.” 

“For sure. I’d love to see it.” Sofia responds. 

You look over your shoulder to find Levi, Hange, and Eren waiting near the edge of the kitchen island, gesturing for you to come over now that you’ve caught their attention. And as the four of you embark out towards the set, Levi explains what redacted scenes are to you. 

You spare Historia one last glance as you walk off the set and can’t help but feel a bitter taste in your mouth at the longing look she’s giving Ymir. 

--

--

“You know, this sounds an awful lot like method acting to me.” you murmur, spotting the sly grin on Levi’s face. 

“Eren told me not to call it that. He said you might strangle me. Or him. Or both of us combined.” 

“He would be right about that.” you respond. 

He’s leaning against the edge of the vanity, as the makeup team tasks themself with drying and prepping your hair to perfection, while Levi coaches you through what you now understand are the two redacted scenes that Levi has asked you and Eren to film. 

You just think it’s lazy script writing. Levi thinks you’re annoying for calling it that. 

With your combined permission of course, Levi has decided to let you method act through the two scenes that he originally had planned out. While he was allegedly entirely faithful in your ability to deliver lines, he wanted to see if what the two of you could produce out of real shock, in the moment as your characters, was something better than what he could write. 

Hence, the vague scene that you and Eren were going to be filming. To your understanding, the pair of them were each going to give you and Eren a set of prompts and you were just supposed to act your way through the scene based on what they told you to do. 

“Can I know my prompt then?” you ask. 

“You understand, right?” Levi clarifies. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just supposed to go based on what you tell me.” 

Levi hops off of the counter, this time leaning closer so that you can actually make eye contact with him in your line of vision. 

“But really. I don’t care how badly you want to say something else. You…you have to go based on the direction that I tell you.” Levi responds. 

It’s almost annoying, the way he’s coddling you through the entire thing. 

“Okay, I get it. This is my entire job, you know?” you respond. 

Levi scoffs. 

“Fine. Eren’s going to ask you something. I want you to shoot him down.” Levi states. 

You lean your head to the side, much to the annoyance of the makeup artist, who moves your neck back into place. You shoot her an apologetic smile, before thinking back to Levi. 

“You want me to shoot him down?” you ask. 

“He’s going to ask you something. Or insinuate it – and no matter how badly you want to do whatever it is, you have to tell him no.” 

Levi gives you a curt nod before he walks back out to the set to put things in place, as you put the outfit resting on the hangar on. You reach up to mess with the little fringe of your bangs, pulling down the undershirt and the jacket as you prepare yourself for the scene. 

When you walk out on set, the group of them are all sitting on the sidelines, giving you excited smiles. You give Sofia a little wave at the front of the sidelines, returning the little finger hearts that Gabi and Falco point towards you as you reach for your cue. 

And when Levi calls action, the lights on the entire set dimming and the chatter breaking down to silence, you can feel your heart pounding in your chest as you see Eren at the top of the little landing, his back facing towards you. 

“Eren! Everyone has been looking everywhere for you!” 

At the sound of your voice, Eren lifts his hand to his face and sniffles, almost like he’s wiping away tears, before you stand at his side. He refuses to meet your eyes and now that you’re standing at his side, you’re not sure how you missed this before. 

They cut Eren’s hair. 

A small part of it – because it’s out of the usual man bun that he’s been sporting since you came back to set and instead loosely frames the sides of his face. 

It might be your favorite look yet. And all you can do is stare. 

He still refuses to meet your eye, withholding it from you. You follow his gaze to the bottom of the landing, to see the kid that Levi had introduced you to a week prior, who was going to play Ramzi in the script. You had yet to film the scene – since you’re almost positive that Levi was going out of order at this point to save time and note it. 

“The boy from the market? What happened?” you ask. 

“Nothing yet.” Eren responds. 

Eren’s voice has that same gravel, almost hollow, like he did the day that you filmed the table scene. It’s almost haunting when his voice sounds like that – so devoid of motion and strained that it makes your chest pang. 

You wonder if that’s what he sounded like in the years that you didn’t talk. 

“What do you mean? Wh-what is this place?” you ask. 

“After the war left them with no home, they all gathered here to live. They’re just like us.” 

Eren’s throat bobs at your side and you can feel his eyes clenching in your peripheral vision. 

“One day, their regular lives ended and everything was taken away from them. They were deprived of all of their freedoms.” Eren states. 

And almost in a split second, Eren finally averted his gaze from looking down and meets your eyes for the first time. You’re not sure what it is – surely something from the makeup team that’s making his eyes look fuller, rounder – but the eye contact is almost excruciating this time. Your first instinct is to turn away. 

“Y/N. Why do you care so much about me?” 

You can feel your cheeks burning. That was the last thing you were expecting him to say. 

“Huh?” you repeat. 

“Is it because I saved you when we were little? Or is it because I’m your family?” 

You swallow hard, the block in your throat stifling. It’s almost like you can’t even push air out of it, like you’re opening your mouth to try and nothing can make it past – enough to fill you with a panic like you won’t ever speak again. Because you have the faintest inkling of what’s going to come next…why Levi was so adamant on asking if you would be able to follow his instructions. 

“I-” 

“What am I to you?” Eren asks. 

Everything. 

It’s the first word that comes to mind when he asks. 

“Ev–” 

You pause, as you feel the sweat accumulating on the edge of your hairline, fighting the urge to reach up to wipe it off. Levi’s voice is excruciating in your head. 

He’s going to ask you something. Or insinuate it – and no matter how badly you want to do whatever it is, you have to tell him no.

It’s almost painful. Having to say it when it isn’t true. When in reality, you know that you’re acting and Eren knows that you’re acting too – that this is just part of your job. But to even strike him down in the fake way, after weeks of building it back together, seems cruel. 

You sigh, shutting your eyes and taking a deep breath, before you look back up at his eyes. The deep green is enough to accumulate the thinnest film of tears in your eyes. 

“You’re family, Eren.” 

And after you mutter it, it’s visceral…an almost physical reaction from Eren. Because you can see the way his breath hitches, the way he hesitantly steps back – quite literally physically recoiling. And the regret sits heavy in your chest and you have to drop your eyes – because you can’t even bear to look at him. 

“Cut!” Levi calls. 

It’s enough to snap you out of the heaviness, as you shake your head at the resounding amount of chatter that follows. You can still feel your heart racing as the makeup team is quick to rush to your side – quickly powdering the sweat that had accumulated on your cheek as they do the same with Eren – and you can hear Connie and Reiner mumbling about how brutal that was to watch on the side. 

You look back up at Eren, whose hollow look hasn’t left his eyes and you give him a halfhearted smile – which he doesn’t return. Instead, he turns back to Levi and Hange, who are murmuring over the shot in the viewfinder. 

“Did we get it?” Eren nearly shouts.

“We got it. You killed it guys.” Levi responds, still fixated on the shot. 

“Do you still need me or can I go?” Eren asks. 

“Eren–” 

“You’re good, Eren.” Hange responds. 

Eren’s almost too quick with it, the way he yanks the little mic pack off the little sleeve in his jacket and hands it to the crew. And with his long bean stalk legs, he’s disappeared from your side before you can barely even process that he was standing there in the first place. 

--

You can’t bring yourself to talk to Eren until two days later, on the eve of his birthday and two days before the award show. Not because you’re actively avoiding him, but it seems that he gets so wrapped up in quite literally everything else he has to attend to. Though really, it feels like that the slight air of comfort that you had was completely shattered by filming the scene together. 

There’s a quiet knock on Eren’s door. He’s preemptively pissed off…and the quiet irritation that had been festering in his chest for the last few days was about to come to a head on Connie and Lana, who refused to take a hint. 

He had made it infinitely clear that he wanted to spend the early hours of his birthday alone. That he would be fine and dandy to celebrate with everyone the day after, but he needed the time to process some things alone. 

The tension diffuses when he realizes that it’s you at the door. There’s an almost timid look on your face, as you balance a little white box in your hands, and peek your head past the closet. 

“Am I disturbing you?” 

“No, of course not. Come in.” Eren responds, patting flat on the comforter for you to join him at his side. 

You give him a smile as you set the little box down, crossing your legs over each other to sit at his side. You lock your hands into the pits of your knees as you turn over towards him, taking a second chance to admire that his hair is the slightest bit shorter. 

“I really love your hair, Eren.” you respond. 

There’s an immediate flush in the apples of his cheeks. He reaches up to it, nervously pushing a hand through the strands before he drops it all together. 

“Thank you. The length was starting to get really fucking annoying.” Eren responds. 

“I liked the man-bun but I think this type of thing really suits you.” you respond. 

Eren looks over at you and gives you a halfhearted smile. And that quiet ease returns, maybe faster than Eren would have liked. The quiet moment of hurt that he was holding on to was absolved the second you smiled at him. 

Eren can hear Connie’s voice in his head – calling him down horrendous. 

“What can I do you for?” Eren asks. 

“It’s almost your birthday.” you state. 

“Congratulations, Y/N. You know how to read a calendar!” 

You scoff, before lightly shoving him in his side. 

“Shut up. I wanted to do something for you.” you respond, before lightly pushing the box in front of him. 

Eren gives you a weary look, before he opens up the little box. It’s a frosted green and white cake – with four candles in it. It’s a strange arrangement since they’re all numbered candles, making the number 2,345. 

“I guess I stand corrected. You really don’t know how to read a calendar.” Eren responds. 

Eren turns to the side, with the most annoying look on his face, as he turns to you and grins. 

“Okay, Y/N. Repeat after me. The year is 2024.” 

“Shut up, asshole. I was trying to be sweet.” you grumble, as you hike your knees to your chest. 

Eren rolls his eyes. 

“What’s so sweet about getting the age wrong on my cake?” Eren asks. 

“It’s actually to make up for every birthday of yours that I missed, dumbass.” you respond. 

Eren can feel his heart pounding in his chest. 

“What?” Eren asks. 

You shrug, before reaching down to adjust the candles from pushing into each other. 

“The last birthday I got to spend with you was your twenty-second birthday. I can imagine that the years’ that followed weren't exactly pleasant…that…that they might have been a reminder of what happened on the beach.” you start. 

That was the understatement of the year. 

“And it’s my fault that I missed your birthday. So, I thought that…we could make them up now. Hence the candles for three and four, for your twenty-third and twenty-fourth birthday. And today’s your twenty-fifth…it’s the least that I could do.” you respond. 

Eren thinks it’s rather unfair that he always seems to be at a loss of words when he’s with you.  Instead of being able to spill out what was really racketing through his brain – that it was getting infinitely harder to swallow down his feelings, that this was almost melting the resolve that he had made with himself to let you make the first move – he opens up his arms instead. 

You oblige, leaning forward and resting your chin against his shoulder, as you feel Eren scoop his arms around your waist. It’s almost like he’s resting his entire body weight on you, because you can feel his face digging into the softness of your neck, as you absentmindedly reach up for his hair, feeling the edges that were just freshly cut. The faint scent of the hairdressing spray still lingers. 

He’s quiet for sometime, but it’s only fitting that when he does break the silence, it’s with something annoying. 

“A cake with no plates is crazy, Y/N.” Eren mumbles. 

You laugh, as you reach inside the box for the two forks you tucked inside the box. You hand him one, as he tucks the ends of his hair behind his ears, and looks up at you. 

“Game plan. You eat all the frosting and I’ll eat all the cake.” Eren states. 

“Huh?” 

“Okay, that’s a little selfish. But it’s my birthday. And I just really hate frosting.” 

The thought that comes to your mind is enough to startle you, just in the slightest. 

Eren really is your soulmate. 

It’s stupid. A stupid comparison to make when the person that you’re comparing him to is Ricky James of all people. But you can’t help but think about that stupid memory, from before the Met Gala. Ricky had bought you that stupid cupcake – and very irritatingly swiped the frosting off of your finger. 

And the two of you bickered because you both preferred the frosting as opposed to the actual cake. And naturally, Ricky was never going to be the type to give up his frosting for you. 

It was sweet that way, with Eren. And you’re sure that the thought of invisible strings and single threads of gold tying you to Eren are really only on your mind because that’s what you sang to him the last time you got to spend his birthday with him, but it almost seems too perfect. 

That Eren likes the cake, but you like the frosting. That you’d always finish the cake if you were eating it together. 

Unbeknownst to you of course, Eren is fully aware of the fact that you are overly fond of the frosting on the cake. And that you have no idea that he really hates eating the spongy cake part and prefers the frosting too. 

But he doesn’t like the frosting nearly enough to not even think twice before offering it to you. 

--

--

You only grace the red carpet for five minutes. You and Eren are above that at this point. But from what you were able to discern from Twitter backstage, after practicing your first set with Eren, it was eventful enough without you there. 

Sukuna splashed a glass of wine in Ricky’s already swollen eye from last week. Hyla tripped and fell when she got out of the limo. You and Eren spend a good amount of time reading through the stuff on your feed – and the perfectly timed blind items that you had submitted to every paparazzi company but the WBS were coming out just as you planned them. 

And surely enough, every single one of them was getting caught off guard when they were asked on the carpet – and couldn’t scramble a perfect PR response out. 

There were three blind items that were yours and the rest were strays. And you were fully intent on making sure that everyone, Danny and Sareen, knew that it was you who submitted them by the end of the night. 

First, that Ricky James had thrown an insanely murderous bitch fit at the front of the Institute Offices in New York when he found out that he had been replaced as the opening act, by Eren of all people. 

Which, according to your sources, was true. 

Second, that the producer for the critically acclaimed Ribbons album, Sareen Clarkson, had been cheating on her husband with industry plant John Stasny, who is twenty years her junior and had previously been linked to several famous actresses, like Historia Reiss. 

Which was also true. It had only been a few hours since it had been leaked, but the shit train that followed wasn't pretty.

If you were going to call her a fame fucker, you were going to make sure that everyone was going to understand the reference. 

And the third was that stupid magazine cover that Scott had mailed you and Eren. 

This was seemingly the last pillar that had to fall in taking down Scott Clarkson and his empire – or at least putting the tiniest bit of a dent in it. 

The only reason that the WBS was successful in the first place was the same reason that his label and movie company thrived the way they did – they were big enough to eliminate all the competition. 

But when it came to something like a tabloid, that centered around reporting on drama, it was almost natural to take them down in this way. If they were the only ones that lacked the information, then they’d be the only ones who would drop the ball on reporting it – and therefore, people would have to divert their attention away to someone else to get the information. 

The foundation seemed a bit bare, but you were already too far in to oppose it at this point. 

You feel a little tap on your shoulder and you turn around to find the two people who were going to be accompanying you for your first performance. 

The dopplegangers of you and Eren – from the Girlfriend and Because I Liked a Boy Performance. 

“Hi guys!” 

You reach forward and wrap your arms around both of them as they return the gesture and warmly hug back. Thankfully, they were more than happy to oblige with your second request – third for Penelope if you counted Girlfriend – to pretend to be you and Eren. 

You almost felt bad for marking this as their legacy so many times, but they were more than happy to oblige – citing the free food and the hefty paychecks as more than enough compensation. 

“Right, well. Eren, this is Penelope.” you state. 

“Yeah. Yeah, we’ve met before. Hi.” Eren responds, the look on his face so painstakingly awkward that you almost feel bad for the prank that you’re about to play on him. 

“And this is Scott.” you respond. 

It’s insanely bad timing, since you accidentally mention it while Eren’s taking a swig of his water bottle. And due to the shock, he consequently spits the entire contents back into the bottle and gives the three of you wide eyes. 

“Your name is fucking Scott?” 

“No, it’s Jason. Y/N paid me three bucks to say that.” he states. 

Eren looks at you, giving you a downright murderous glare, as he puts the water bottle down. 

“You bitch.” Eren grumbles

“It’s funny!” you respond. 

You shake him off as you turn back to Jason and Penelope and eye the little wardrobe rack on the side. 

“Okay. Hair and makeup is ready for you two whenever you are. And just remember, that if anyone asks you about the outfits –” 

“Mine is based on Selene, goddess of the moon.” Penelope states. 

“And mine is Poseidon, god of the sea.” Jason adds. 

You grin. The two of them give you a passing wave before they walk off to the other side of the stage and Eren makes a dramatic display of shuddering. 

“What?” 

“Don’t they like…freak you out?” Eren asks. 

“Why would they freak me out?” 

“They literally look like us! And they’re literally dating too which makes it even weirder!” 

You give him a weird look. 

“They aren’t dating.” you respond. 

Eren wraps his arm around your shoulder, before twisting you to the side of where their dressing rooms are – where the two of them are standing, kissing. 

“That looks really friendly to me.” Eren states, tone dripping with sarcasm. 

“What the hell?” 

“It’s weird!” Eren whispers. 

You shiver. 

“Ew. I don’t like that.” you respond. 

“Levi should hire them to do the kiss next week instead of us. Sure, they’ll enjoy it more than we will.” 

You can feel your cheeks burning. You know that it’s not what he meant – surely, that it couldn’t have been what he meant in the slightest but the sting still hits all the same. 

“Jesus. Didn’t realize you were so opposed to kissing me.” you mumble. 

Eren’s eyes go wide.

“I’m not opposed to kissing you!” 

“You just suggested that Levi and Hange should literally offer a salary to two people who kind of look like us just so you wouldn’t have to kiss me.” you deadpan. 

“No! I didn’t mean it like that!” 

“Well…don’t be weird about it! You don’t have to…want to kiss me. I know we’re just working and that it’s all like method acting or whatever. I’m not going to get offended if you don’t want to it’s just–”  

Eren looks agitated. If Sukuna was standing here, you know that he would have no self control and probably piss him off more by asking him if he needed to take a shit. 

“Y/N, just listen. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable because I wrote a kiss into the script and told Levi and Hange that they can’t write it out this time.” Eren responds. 

And just as fast as his eyes go wide, his cheeks are bright pink this time as he suddenly busies himself with worrying about his costume to change the subject. 

It’s a hopeful thought and you’re clearly speaking faster than you’re thinking. Because it’s probably against your better judgment to assume that he wrote the kiss in just because he wanted to kiss you. 

You say it anyway. 

“You wrote the kiss into the script?” you ask, giving him a grin. 

“My costume seems like it’s going to be tight, right? It looks a little short at the legs? We should see if we can get this fixed in the next twenty minutes before we go on, so I don’t look like an idiot, you know?” 

You place a hand on his shoulder, to stop him from bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, and keep him standing on the ground. 

“You can relax. I was just messing with you. And your outfit looks fine, I think we should change now so we can make sure I don’t go swinging into the audience with the equipment.” 

Eren waits for you to finish changing before you walk over to the little makeshift hang-glider that you guys requested. He chooses to ignore commenting about how much he loves it when you wear red for the time being and focuses on making sure you don’t plummet to your imminent death from the moon you’re going to be hanging off of. 

Eren watches as you shuffle on the little seat, before he reaches around you and secures the little belt around your waist. You watch as he tightens it not only twice, but three times, before he reaches for your hand and secures the microphone around it next. 

“You know, I understand securing me to the moon but I think the microphone is a little much. I’m not going to go dropping it.” 

“I’m sorry for being overcautious. I’m not a big fan of…stints that include hanging in the air for so long.” Eren responds, as tightens the strap around your hand again. 

You pale. Of course he hates these type of things.

“No. No…I’m sorry. I totally forgot about that…I-I didn’t even realize that this might be really nerve wracking for you. We can take this part out if–” 

“No, no. I like the set design. How about you just promise to come back to me in one piece?” Eren asks. 

You sigh. 

“Of course.” 

And Eren gives you a gleaming, two dimpled smile in response, before he taps your side and walks over to his cue. As they send your little glider into the air, you can actually see the entire audience from the little break in the curtains at the top – and can spot a very annoyed Ricky James sitting front and center. 

With pink wine stains on his shirt. 

You look down at Eren, who looks up from his spot, and spares you one last thumbs up before the music stats. 

You have to give your props to Eren’s team for working out the set exactly as he wanted it. With the ocean on the left, you in the moon on the right, and Jason and Penelope doing their little slow dance on the beach in the middle. 

Eren:  You live in my dream state Relocate my fantasy I stay in reality You live in my dream state Any time I count sheep That's the only time we make up, make up You exist behind my eyelids, my eyelids Now I don't wanna wake up

Eren:  20-20, 20-20 vision Cupid hit me, cupid hit me with precision I wonder if you look both ways When you cross my mind (Yeah), I said, I said I'm sick of, sick of, sick of, sick of chasing You're the one that's always running through my daydream, I I can only see your face when I close my eyes

And surely enough, they lower you from your little vantage point behind the curtains to the bright flashing lights and the resounding cheers of the crowd – that are barely muffled out by your ear pieces – as you sing your part. 

Y/N:  Can I get a kiss? And can you make it last forever? I said I'm 'bout to go to war And I don't know if I'ma see you again

As Eren sings his second verse, they’re quick to lift the moon back up and off the stage in time for you to climb off – and for you and Eren to replace Jason and Penelope on the beach in the center. 

You and Eren hadn’t really practiced this part, though in hindsight it was simple enough. You just had to keep leaning in until they dimmed the lights – to make it look like you and Eren were going to kiss each other. 

Y/N:  Can I get a kiss? (Can I get a kiss?) And can you make it last forever? (Oh, forever) I said I'm 'bout to go to war (Go to war) I don't know if I'ma see you again (See you again) Can I get a kiss? (Can I) And can you make it last forever? (Can you) I said I'm 'bout to go to war ('Bout to) And I don't know if I'ma see you again

It’s excruciating to do it. To pretend – and in that second, you decide you’re going to kiss him anyways. Because he wraps his hand too perfectly around your neck to pull you closer and instinctively closes his eyes. 

And then it’s overwhelmingly embarrassing. Because the exact second you time moving forward is when Eren leans back, because they’ve pulled the curtains. And runs off to the side curtains, as you awkwardly stalk back. 

You try to swallow down that pit of shame in your throat as he turns back towards you, handing you an ice cold water bottle. 

“That was great! But was it really hot up there? Your face is all pink.” Eren asks. 

“Uh, yeah. I kind of had a panic up there.” 

Eren twists the cap off and instructs you to drink, biting cold enough to taper that burning heat in your cheeks, as he instinctively shakes his head. 

“I said come back in one piece.” 

“I am in one piece.” you grumble back, getting ready to go stalk off to your dressing room until you had to face him again four performances later. 

Eren doesn’t follow when you make it all the way to the little room, as you lean back in the chair and resort to massaging your temples. 

Too close. That was way too close. 

“Hey?” Eren asks. 

You can see Eren poking his head into your dressing room, bright green eyes curious as he looks down at you. 

“What?” you ask. 

“The answer is yes.” Eren responds. 

You glare, in irritation. 

“To what?” 

Eren bends down, pressing a kiss right into the thrumming pulse of your temple. 

“You asked me if you could get a kiss. Well really, you asked me seven times if you could get a kiss, but I’ll spare you the entire show.” Eren responds, tapping the frame of the door and giving you a bright smile before he steps back out. 

You sigh. The quiet moment of hurt that you were holding on to was absolved the second he smiled at you. And multiplied into the biggest, searing feeling in your chest when he kissed you. 

--

--

There’s seven people in your dressing room after the fact. And one of them is Satoru Gojo, who counted as an additional ten people, which is when you take the sign that it’s probably time to duck out of there. 

You had three options – Connie and Eren who were having way too much fun with your special props, a group that had both Historia and Ymir in it, or Sukuna – who was standing by himself in the corner. 

There was a very obvious choice. 

He gives you a noncommittal nod as you walk up to his side and link your arm in with his. He’s nursing a tiny glass in his hand, which he offers to you. You know him well enough by now to know that it’s going to be some taste buds descreating drink, but decide to drink anyway. 

And surely enough, it burns all the way down to your esophagus, making you physically recoil as you hand the glass back to him. 

“Jesus. I feel bad for your liver.” you respond. 

“I actually don’t drink that much anymore. My liver is just fine.” Sukuna responds. 

“There’s no way. That just destroyed like…a quarter of your lobule.” 

“What the fuck is a lobule?” 

“The functional unit of the liver!” you respond. 

If looks could kill, Sukuna would have murdered you then and there. It’s at that moment that Eren and Connie run up to you, Eren quickly placing his hands on your cheeks to angle your face up towards him and place the little crown on your head. 

“Très magnifique!” Eren murmurs. 

“Wow. Who taught you French, Ratatouille?” 

“Does that count as a self-diss? You taught me French, ma lune.” 

You lightly shove him in the side, as everyone reaches for their cues on the stage and you crawl to the revolving stage underneath with Eren and Sukuna. And surely enough, Levi and Gojo delivered well on their promise with their prop guy. 

He perfectly replicated that god forsaken throne Scott was sitting on in that stupid magazine cover. You snag the little crown Eren placed on your head off to admire the work on it – the gold handiwork. You place your hands in the middle and test the fragileness, noting that it takes little to crack the pieces – before you place it back on your head. 

“So, who was on the right? Eren or Lana?” you ask. 

“I was on the right.” Eren responds. 

The group of you flinch as the music starts blaring above and take it as a sign to stick your earpieces in. And right on timing with the chorus, you can hear the screaming get louder – which you’re positive is people just overreacting to the fact that Gojo’s the first person in the ensemble showcase when he shouldn’t even be in it in the first place – and tap your hands nervously on the handles. 

I wanna be your endgame I wanna be your first string I wanna be your A-Team (whoa-whoa, whoa) I wanna be your endgame, endgame

“Sukuna. There’s pins right there, there’s no way she’s not going to jostle the crown off before she hands it to Lana.” 

“Got it.” Sukuna responds, shuffling away as you look back up to Eren. 

He looks down at you, tucking your hair behind your ear, which has your heart pounding in your throat. 

“Pretty dress.” Eren whispers. 

You give him a shrug, before laying down the fringe at your sides. 

“Nice suit.” you respond. 

“Eh. It’s kind of digging into my neck.” Eren responds. 

You stand up, rocking back on your heels, as you turn to face him. You reach forward, reaching for the top buttons of his dress shirt and task yourself with unbuttoning them. 

“You know, you could at least take me on a date first.” Eren grumbles. 

You hum in response, giving him a smile, as you stop at the third button and reach forward to readjust the layers of his necklaces. His skin is soft and warm underneath your fingertips and it gives you an insanely inappropriate thought. 

“What are you thinking?” Eren murmurs. 

“Nothing.” 

“You’re thinking something naughty.” 

“Ew. You have such a disgusting choice of words, Eren.” you whine. 

“What was it?” 

“Nothing, Eren. I was thinking about how pale you are.” you respond, letting go of the chains and reaching back to sit in your little chair. 

Eren reaches forward, grabbing you by the wrist and pulling you back. He’s quick with his other hand, securing it around your waist and holding you steady against him. His lips hover right by your ear, the gravel of his whispering makes you nearly squirm. 

“What were you thinking?” Eren asks. 

“Nothing, Eren. Really.” 

“I’m not an idiot. I’ve seen that look in your eyes before…and I know what it means. What were you thinking?” Eren asks. 

You groan, squirming out of his embrace. 

Where the hell did Sukuna get lost? 

“I just thought about something that people would notice, that's all. But we don’t–” 

“What was it?” 

You groan, before tucking your hair behind your ears. 

“I’m wearing red lipstick. And that’s a fairly…exposed patch of skin. People would notice if I–” 

“If you kissed me. Alright, go ahead and do it then.” Eren responds, angling his neck closer to you.” 

“Eren.” 

“C’mon. It’s almost our turn. You have to be quick with it.” Eren responds, gesturing frantically with your hands. 

You awkwardly step forward, placing your hands on the sides before you pinch your eyes shut and press a lingering kiss to his neck. You can feel Eren lightly tilt his head back and inhale sharply the second you make contact – but you chose to ignore it. 

You pull back and examine the mark, though it’s rather faint. Eren clocks it fast enough, as he gestures with his hands again. 

“Another one won’t hurt. C’mon.” Eren whispers. 

“Okay, yeah.” you respond. 

You press your lips to his neck again, this time earning you Eren’s hand squeezing into your side – where it was resting at your waist – as you pull back and admire the mark. You look back up at him, feeling an itching sensation all over as you give him an awkward smile. 

“You guys are fucking insane, you know that?” Sukuna mutters. 

“Sukuna! Where the fuck did you go?” you respond, angrily snatching the little pins from his hands and securing them into your hair. 

You sit back down on the throne, as you hear the little countdown ringing in your ear, and prepare yourself to sing the last portion of the song. You can feel both of their hands on your shoulders – squeezing hard – as you lift the microphone to your lips. 

Big reputation, big reputation Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations, ah And you heard about me, oh I got some big enemies (hey) Big reputation, big reputation (yeah) Ooh, you and me, we'd be a big conversation, ah And I heard about you, ooh You like the bad ones too

You rustle the crown off of your head and hand it to Sukuna, who walks over to the edge of the stage and tosses it right to Lana in the front row. Who takes it in her hands and breaks it in half before throwing it behind her back. 

I hit you like, "Bang" We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't And I bury hatchets but I keep maps of where I put 'em Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me And I can't let you go, your handprint's on my soul It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold You've been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks So here's the truth from my red lips  

I wanna be your endgame (endgame) I wanna be your first string (me and you) (first string) I wanna be your A-Team (be your A-Team now) I wanna be your endgame, endgame I wanna be your endgame (oh, I do) I wanna be your first string (first string) I wanna be your A-Team (A-Team) I wanna be your endgame, endgame

--

--

The last part is the most nerve wracking. You had to abandon your sweet post of sitting in between Eren and Mikasa at your table for your last performance of the night – which was going to be announced by Danny and Sareen. 

It’s like sitting on pins and needles, getting your hair done and slipping into the sparkly but scratchy dress. And surely enough, when you wait on the edges of the curtain and watch them stage your set – of a grand piano and little star decals – they join you at your side. You can feel your hands shake, nearly dropping the trophy in your hands, as you spare them a glance. 

They’re shorter than you remember and frankly, less intimidating too. That coupled with the fact that Danny has a bright pink eye and the slightest bit of dried blood around his nose.

“What happened to your face?” you sneer. 

Danny rolls his eyes. 

“Ask your boy-toy.” he responds. 

You fight the urge to smile, and make a mental note that Eren deserves every bit of your praise when you see him next, as you turn your head back to the stage, where the announcer is presenting the highlights of your career on the back screen. And surely enough, the two of them awkwardly jostle their arms in with yours as the three of you walk out together. 

You stare blankly out in the audience. And refuse to smile. 

You can see Eren sitting front and center as he gives you the smallest thumbs up in support.

“One of our crowning achievements is getting to work with this lovely young lady right here, on some of our most famous albums, like The Lucky One. Please give a well deserved round of applause for the unstoppable Y/N L/N, who will finally be gracing us with her triple threat performance.” Sareen states. 

You note the drag in her voice when she says the word finally. And you fight the acidic feeling that accumulates in your mouth as you’re suddenly acutely aware of the fact that you’re standing next to the two people you hate the most – who continue to take credit for the one thing that’s yours. 

“Out of the three, Y/N has chosen to mimic the signing performance that awarded her this coveted prize. She will be playing her brand new song, vampire, on the piano. A true testament to all the work that the three of us put together as a team, in molding her into a skilled pianist.” Danny states, sticking his hand out to Sareen as the two of them walk off and take a seat right at the front. 

You can feel your skin steaming as you place the award on the top of the piano and sit down at the keys. You’re able to catch Sukuna’s striking pink hair moving on your left – to the seats behind Danny and Sareen – as you take that as your cue to start performing. 

Hate to give the satisfaction, asking how you're doing now How's the castle built off people you pretend to care about? Just what you wanted Look at you, cool guy, you got it I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes Six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise I loved you truly Gotta laugh at the stupidity

“Eren. You okay? You’re shaking the entire table.” Lana asks, leaning over to whisper in his ear. 

Eren absentmindedly looks down and notices the nervous shaking in his leg, as he turns to his side and spares her a glance. He can note that Lana's concerned because this is starkly similar to the last time the two of them were here together.

When you were singing your isolating, heart-shattering piano ballad about him, while he was hanging his head in between his legs. After you had slapped him, after you had yelled at him after everything that had happened.

That was far from it. It was the way your hands were shaking on the piano keys that was stressing him out. He needed you to make it through the entire thing. Desperately.

“I’m nervous. I think she’s going to cry.” Eren whispers back. 

'Cause I've made some real big mistakes But you make the worst one look fine I should've known it was strange You only come out at night I used to think I was smart But you made me look so naive The way you sold me for parts As you sunk your teeth into me, oh Bloodsucker, famefucker Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire 

You’re crying. 

Because all you can think about is how the two of them were just standing there, arms linked in with yours, in a moment that was supposed to be yours. That every moment that was supposed to be yours was theirs – and that even at the end of all of that, their still the one standing their proud with their careers when you had to suffer at the hands of it. 

That taking your career was one thing, but taking advantage of the fact that you knew nothing was another. Because you were a teenager, who was so attached to her dream that she'd do anything to get it, especially when people at the top – were promising it to her.

All at the expense of Eren and his feelings. At the expense of your relationship.

You can feel your hands shaking, your vision entirely blurred as you feel the tears start to pour out of your eyes – your singing voice coming out entirely strained as you continue to push your keys on the piano. And you’re able to strain enough until you get right to the bridge and pause. 

They had a responsibility to look out for you as an adult. And did the exaxt opposite.

You reach back to the slicked back bun and snag the pink ribbon that was secured into the little hair tie. The same pink ribbon that was dangling from your hair the day you were stranded in that godawful rain. And yank it straight out of your hair and wrap a little bow around the bottom of the award. 

You wipe the wetness on your cheek, coming back with the slightest smudge on the back of your hand, before you press your hands into the keys and continue singing. The continuation has people rising out of their seats – and you don’t fail to notice that Eren’s the first one to do it – as you finish the song. 

You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart I tried you help you out, now I know that I can't 'Cause how you think's the kind of thing I'll never understand

I've made some real big mistakes But you make the worst one look fine I should've known it was strange You only come out at night I used to think I was smart But you made me look so naive The way you sold me for parts As you sunk your teeth into me, oh Bloodsucker, famefucker Bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire

You take the award and stand up from the bench of the piano to walk straight off the stage, directly to where Sareen and Danny are sitting in the front. Sukuna’s taken the hint to leave the open chair he was sitting in between them and retreats back to his original, as you place the award in between the two of them. 

“Congratulations. I hope it was everything you ever wanted, assholes.” you seethe. 

You slam the award down onto the open space between them, enough for them both to jump up in their seats and spill a glass of wine down the length of Sareen’s dress, as you angrily march back to your seat. And surely enough, Eren and Mikasa are waiting there with open arms, ready to wipe your glittery tears away. 

And as the cameras drop and they cut to commercials for four minutes, you lean your head against Eren’s shoulder as Mikasa pours you a glass of water. 

“So fucking good. So fucking amazing, Y/N you–” Eren whispers.

"Eren even punched him in the face earlier, Y/N! It looked like it really hurt." Mikasa murmurs.

You look up at Eren, and he's grinning so hard, that you can't even fight the urge to not smile back.

"Why'd you punch him?" you ask.

"You slapped Scott Clarkson for me. Why am I not allowed to punch Danny for you?" Eren asks.

You feel a tap on your shoulder and look to your left to find Hange and Levi standing at your side, which really only brings on a more powerful stream of tears. Levi instinctively opens up his arms as you lean against his shoulder instead, Eren standing closeby with Sukuna at his side now.

“Was that everything you wanted Hange?” you groan. 

Hange smiles. 

“And more, kid. I, uh. Actually have something for you.” Hange responds. 

“What’s that?” you ask. 

Hange gestures to Connie at the side, as he produces a small, golden trophy in Hange’s hands. 

“I really don’t give a shit about this anymore. S’kind of how it goes with this type of thing. But, I know this award, this one in my hands specifically meant the world to you back in the day, so I want you to have it.” Hange murmurs. 

You frown. 

“Hange. You can’t just give that to me.” you respond. 

“You gave yours away because it gave you more pain than it was worth. Mine did the same for me at the time too. But, it gives me joy to give it back to you, because really, you deserved it. Back then, but even now too.” 

You take the little golden trophy in your hands, noting that it’s much smaller and really not even as shiny as the one that they had just handed you, and press it close to your chest. 

“Hange, thank you so much. You have no idea what this even means to me.” you whisper, as you wrap your arms around their neck. 

Hange spares Eren a glance over the shoulder and gives him a big thumbs up, coupled with Levi’s approving smile. 

It’s the rare times that Eren’s overthinking habit comes in handy. When he’s able to think ahead and fix things before they happen. 

“I have an idea, kid.” Hange responds. 

--

--

Levi and Hange give you a three day break when you get back to set. You’re not sure what exactly it was that came out of you when you did your last performance, but it was almost like it drained the life out of you. Eren nearly had to drag you back onto that plane and consequently, to your room, when you made it back to the set. 

He thinks that you’ve finally let go of what you’ve been holding on to. And that you can finally move forward now. 

You told him that Marco must have been haunting him overtime for the past few days, which earned you a hearty laugh from him. 

And surely enough, on the fourth day, you’re able to muster your legs down to the kitchen – to a group of well meaning cheers from the group of them – as you read the little slots on the schedule pasted on the fridge. And surely enough, Levi was going to throw you right back into the thick of it. 

Wednesday, April 6th, 8:00 AM 

Eren Head Decapitation 

It’s a stupid caption. If you didn’t know what it meant, you would even laugh at it. 

But you had read ahead already – and knew that it meant that it was finally time for you and Eren to get that kiss scene out of the way.

--

next part linked here

taglist: @k0z3me @kayleegomez @yihona-san06  @bsenpai @sweetenertea @mykyoon @violetmatcha  @rebeccawinters @cutiejg @bokutosthings @bookwrmm @mblrrr @wheredidmycrowngo @somethinginyoureyes7 @chilichopsticks @okaystopwhore @you-always-made-me-blush @itzmeme @firelordazulaaa @whoami-72 @g-ghostly @intimacywithceline @erensmoodygf @cocomellxn @princess-ackerman @jaegerfiles @cacapeepee @rui-0836 @moonmalice @invisible-mori @sofiasber @bbybeeb @timetobegone @tee4str @ttokki2 @leave-rae-alone @ec3lipsy @officialsimp @gojojang @yookayyo @lordbugs @multiplefandomthings @iobeyfandoms @camilo-uwu @justanotherkpopstanloll @mel-star636 @fvckingeetar @ttalgi @najaemism @ilovekimchi123 @youraggedybitch @xoyumiqls @leafguitar @spiidergirlsworld @luvs4kim @levin4nami @florichun @hoonmyluv

[korraofthereef]

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE AN EDIT OF TIMEBOMB TO “Not a lot, just forever” by Adrianne Lenker AND ILL LITERALLY GIVE YOU THE EXACT WAY TO EDIT IT I DON’F EVEN NEED CREDITS I JUST WANNA SEE IT

Not a lot, just forever

honestly this part is optional but I feel like the audio is too much of a kickstart to start with the line below

And your dearest fantasy

stick with me on this. So it’ll be Ekko heaving and conflicted in this scene:

For the entire duration of the lyrics until it’ll transition into the next set of lyrics where… (continue reading under the next lyric)

Is to grow a baby in me

it’ll tradition to Jinx’s face in that scene also for the entire duration of this set of lyrics:

Then slowly fading into the next scene of… (continue reading under the next lyric)

I could be // a good mother

(For the “I could be” part)

Isha running towards Jinx when Vi is abt to kill her (!)

(Now for the “a good mother” part)

Jinx holding onto/trying to push away Isha when held under Vi’s fist.

So the faces are like a parallel of scenes. I would have really liked for the clip shown directly above of Jinx holding Isha to come right after the scene of Jinx on the ground after fight Ekko because then the parallels would’ve matched better but the edit needed more clip transitions and more clarification so it’s kind of a must with this order. So if y’all could maybe make it very clear it’s supposed to be referencing a parallel that would be amazing (!)

And I wanna be your wife

For every syllable we’re gonna transition to a different scene with young Powder and Ekko specifically with these scenes in this order:

I tried my best to explain the syllables=scenes lmao

So I // hold you // to // my knife

(For the “so I // hold you” part)

We’ll start with the quick panning from one scene to another because the lyrics go by quick in this part of the song—so we’ll start with the scene of Jinx holding her gun during “So I” before cutting to Ekko standing there all angry during “Hold you”

(Now for the “to // my knife” part)

The reason I separated the lyric is because “to” drags on for about the same amount of time “my knife” is sang for. So it’ll be the part where Ekko is charging at Jinx with his board and stealing the hex orb thing, then quickly panning to the part where Ekko is getting the upper hand in the fight as he leaps towards Jinx.

Kind of like the first part of the entire lyric block where thy change scenes in between the double slash mark (//)

…also I know all of the clips in this part are very out of order from the actually scene in the show but it needs to be like this in order for a complete poetic masterpiece…

And I steal // your letter

(For the “and I steal” part)

Nowwwww is where Ekko will be looking up at the mural of Powder in the Firelight Base because it’s supposed to be sort of suggesting that he stole one last memory of Powder:

(Now for the “your letter” part)

This is just the second half of the explanation above. It’s just the mural y’all. And honestly, use whatever clip of the mural you want like you could use the one where it’s zoomed in on Powder’s face, or you could use the one where it’s a wide shot that captures Ekko and Vi in the frame.

This is obviously the close up on Powder on the mural,(which is preferred) but honestly if you guys are going through the trouble of making this edit then choose whatever clip for this part bc I’m eternally grateful.

Not a lot // just forever

Because I’m running out of the amount of photos I can add to a post, I’ll merge both side of the double slash lyric scene separation (//) into one photo for explanation

The top clip of young Powder and Ekko will be running for the duration of “Not a lot” and then after that lyric has passed, then the bottom scene of them fighting it out as their older selves in real time will play for the duration of the lyrics “Just forever”

Intertwine // some together

I couldn’t really choose one parallel scene from the finale fight because there’s so many so you guys just take your pick from the groups.

P.S. the scene on the top with the the one playing during “Intertwine” and the scene connected on the bottom half with be the one playing during “Some together”

(I’ll repost with the final photo bc I’m at my photo limit 😭)

ANYWHOOOOO

I was thinking that all the clips should start with high velocity and then quickly move into slow motion for the clips especially because they’re short clips and they’ll go quickly… yeah if you don’t understand what I mean, I guess what I’m trying to say is make it twixtor and then speed it up at the beginning so it’s like smoothing transitioning Ykwim??

Feel fully entitled to transition the clips however you want, you can fade into other clips for more drama idk. Just suggesting slo-mo clips because the scene are short 👍

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

Happy Birthday, little finch.

Gif credits

Pairing: Jackson!Joel X AFAB!reader

Words count: 6731

Rating: +18 NSFW, Minors please don’t interact

Summary: Everyone forgets your birthday but you receive an unexpected invitation (wink) that will change the fate of the day.

Warnings: POV second person, smut, little power dynamic, little brat taming, begging, unprotected P in V (please, always use protections in real life!), Reader's age is intentionally unspecified, you can imagine an age gap between her and Joel or not, oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), nipples play, Joel comes on reader's tits, just a little of pulling hair, soft!Joel, grumpy!Joel, pet names (little finch, honey, baby, babe), mention of fasting as a sarcastic joke (I don’t condone joking about no one’s eating habits), reader has hair (It is not specified how long they are or what they look like), reader can be lifted by big and strong Joel, reader has a able body, breasts and vagina and she wears a dress, apart from that no other description is given, reader is part of the Jackson community, I don't know anything about Jackson, I only know a few details about second game’s plot (including that detail, yes) so everything I describe is purely from my imagination and may have no bearing on the original Jackson, brief appearances by Maria, Tommy, Ellie and Dina, drinking, swearing, Joel calls reader “little finch” (I came up with this nickname just because my grandpa used to call me with a bird name when I was little and I always found it sweet, so here we go ❤️), Joel can draw (I don't know if it's true but for me it is, okay, allow me). I hope I haven't forgotten anything but if I do I'll add it as soon as I notice.

English is not my first language so please be kind, I always try to do my best, no proofreading (sorry), very little editing, I apologize for any mistakes. I'm writing on my phone, I hope the formatting isn't too bad 🥲

Thank you so much to anyone who will read this, I really hope you’ll like it, kind comments and advices are really appreciated ❤️

I've been listening to Hozier's "Talk" heavily while writing this so here it is, I'll let you know. It's such a beautiful song and I love Hozier so much 🫠

Archive tags: @pedrostories ♥️

You wake up struck by a ray of sunlight that enters faintly through the half-closed shutters and dies right on your face.

You have no idea what time it is and your head feels heavy and confused, you turn over in bed thinking that maybe you can give yourself another 5 minutes but then you hear voices outside already awake and ringing and then you think that maybe it's really late. You sit up and retrieve the clock from the bedside table, it's 7 in the morning.

You get up and go to the kitchen to make some coffee and from the window you see some people already busy doing their work. Some children head towards the building designated as school in Jackson, happily laughing while they chase each others.

You yawn and open the cabinet in the kitchen where you keep the coffee filters, a precious supply recovered during an exploration that you jealously preserve.

The coffee is also the result of a find and therefore it was carefully rationed with the other members of the community.

You are grateful that it exists because this morning you really need it, last night you slept badly, continuing to toss in your sleep and always dreaming of the same thing again and again. You being swallowed up by a hole in the ground and no hand reaching out to help you. Just a great dream.

The coffee maker burbles a few minutes later, releasing the drink you crave.

Temperatures are milder in this season so you no longer need to put on a heavy jacket and snow boots, there is a bit of fresh wind but nothing compared to the harsh winter that has just passed.

Today in particular you feel like dressing better than usual, you go back to your room and open the wardrobe, carefully inspecting the few clothes hanging there.

You obviously don't have much choice because they're all salvaged second-hand clothes, but Maria gave you a nice pair of denim shorts a month ago and they look very nice on you.

You take it out of the closet and place it on the bed along with a white tank top that highlights your boobs just right, it’s nothing particularly fancy but it makes you feel good, you head towards the shower humming softly.

The shower helps you wake up, you dress and you leave the house feeling a bit better.

You meet a couple of people who greet you as you make your way to the library.

You enter, smelling the familiar smell of books and immediately get to work cleaning and dusting the shelves and the floor, like every day.

The morning passes peacefully, only a couple of people come in to borrow books, so after doing your chores you took the opportunity to rearrange thriller’s books section.

You're a bit shocked by the fact that no one told you anything particular but you don't mind, these people have a lot to think about and a lot to do.

When you leave it's lunch time, so you head to the common room.

The crisp air caresses your face and the sun gives you a little warmth that you missed so much, you really love this season in Jackson.

You enter the room filled with chatter that echoes off the walls. You take your place in line and once you have had your portion you sit at one of the tables.

No one reaches you yet. You're alone in a room full of people.

You see him in a corner, sitting with Maria and Tommy and you get lost for a while observing the way he moves his large hands, how his hair rests at the base of his neck, his big brown eyes, so communicative, the way his flannel shirt - which has practically become a distinctive trait of Joel - hug his muscles, the way his lower lip slightly twitch while he’s talking.

You’re totally captivated.

You can't help it and you know it.

Every time he spoke to you, even for just a few minutes, your body reacted unequivocally at his deep low raspy voice, his proximity always caused you trouble.

You like this man, much more than you are willing to admit.

Joel Miller.

You're friends, you might say. As much as it is possible to be friends with a man like him.

He's friendly, but always with an undertone of detachment that you can't define, as if he's afraid of letting himself go with someone and let his feelings flow freely.

And just as you're thinking this, he turns and looks at you for a moment.

You are sitting, yet your knees feel weak and you feel your cheeks redden knowing you've been caught.

You turn your eyes back to your lunch, quickly finishing your meal and bringing your tray back. You leave the common room feeling in a bubble.

It's stupid that he makes you feel like a little girl with her first crush but it always happens, by now you're resigned to always making a fool of yourself with him.

You walk home to do your household chores and then go to the patch of garden you've been assigned to take care of.

You meet various people along the way but again everyone just say hello, you see Ellie with Dina and they both wave at you and nothing more. In the meantime, Maria has left the common room and the only thing she asks you is how the courgettes you planted a month ago are coming along.

It's strange, but you shrug your shoulders and think that deep down today is not such a relevant day for others even if you hoped it would be because you now consider these people as your new family.

You stop thinking about it and focus on the things you have to do but a tiny piece of your heart hurts a little, just a little.

What the hell is wrong with people today? Only a month ago they throw a big party for Tommy and now nothing, not even a hint.

Okay, Tommy is higher rank, he is married to Maria, everyone sees him as a guide just as they see his partner.

And he goes on patrols, certainly offering others a greater sense of security and protection, unlike you who deal with less dangerous things.

That's probably why, you're just a minion in Jackson's pecking order.

You let off some steam by plowing your field with more force than necessary, small drops of sweat slide down your forehead and you end up hot and with your arms aching from the effort.

Stupid girl, stop thinking about it, it's not that important to have a birthday, not in a post apocalyptic world where everyone is struggling to get ahead.

But still, they acknowledged every single special day of everyone’s here before, except yours and nothing particularly relevant is happening, it’s been a couple of quiet weeks.

You're wiping sweat from your forehead with one hand when you hear a voice behind you.

"What are you doing tonight?" It's his voice, you'd recognize his among a thousand.

You turn around stuttering “uh, what?”

And there he is, flannel shirt, curls slightly blowing in the wind, mouth curved in a smirk, dark piercing eyes.

Fuck.

“I asked…what are you doing tonight?”

You feel the nervousness rising in your chest, it's the first time he's spoken to you in a week and you weren't ready in the slightest.

“Uh…oh…nothing special, I guess, I think I'll read a book and go to sleep early”

you say trying to maintain a certain apparent nonchalance.

“You didn't mention dinner, are you going to fast?” Oh, great. Sarcastic jokes, classic Miller behavior.

“No, of course not,” you reply, rolling your eyes.

He chuckles “okay, so, would you like to come to my house? I cook”

Fuck. Is that, a date?

You instantly feel your mouth dry as you try to reply “Well, it’s not like I have something better to do so yes, why not”

You don't want to make it obvious to this man how he makes you feel. There are worse things to worry about in this world, but letting yourself go with someone who always shows restraint only to be rejected - on your birthday, no less - doesn't seem as pleasant.

And that's how you usually communicate anyway, bickering.

Maria often laughs about it, you are both stubborn and neither of you ever wants to agree with the other.

One day she told you that she thinks you'll end up together and you practically laughed in her face. Not because you don't want to, but because you thought Joel didn't even see you that way.

Maybe Maria was right all along, who knows.

“Good, see you at 7”

And he goes.

You watch him walk away for a while, still with spade in your hands.

Suddenly this day became interesting.

You run into the house and take off your dirty clothes throwing them in the basket you keep in the bathroom and go to the shower.

While you're soaping yourself up you wonder what came into his mind.

As you rub your hair, you think that maybe he's making fun of you but Joel doesn't seem like the type to make a prank, he's always quite sarcastic but not a proper prankster.

It's part of his charm, he always looks grumpy but you know he's not bad, the way he looks at Ellie or his brother says everything about him.

He would do anything for the people he loves.

And he’s not mean, he was kind to you too.

You've spent more time looking at him, analyzing every chat you had with him than you like to admit, so yeah, you're pretty sure he's okay.

Once you get out of the shower you open the wardrobe and find yourself contemplating the usual clothes with which you have to make the best of things.

There is a cute dress that you have never worn because you have never found a particular occasion. It's quite short and low-cut, definitely not suited to Jackson's lifestyle, here everyone wears jeans and sweaters or t-shirts.

You think that maybe tonight is the time to dare even if you don't want him to burst out laughing and ask you what you've got in your head.

It's just a dinner.

He never mentioned anything romantic.

You're obviously nervous, because you like him and if it doesn't go well you should continue to see him every day anyway.

In the end you decide to wear the dress anyway but to tone it down with a cardigan and a pair of boots, so as to make it look less like "please fuck me" style.

You shake your head, how much trouble are you going to for Joel Miller.

However, you have to admit that it's the first really exciting thing that's happened to you since you've been here. You thought that surviving was enough so you obviously never complained about it.

You fix your hair after drying it, you look at yourself in the mirror and you think that you're not that bad after all.

It's almost time, you leave the house and walk the few meters that separate you from Joel's house with your heart beating wildly in your chest.

You climb the few steps to his porch feeling insecure and stupid for accepting, who knows what you expect from this lonely man.

You shrug and knock on the door, snuggling into your cardigan in the cool evening air.

You consider going back and pretending you had a mishap, but Joel opens the door.

“Hey, come in” he smiles at you. You cross the threshold timidly as a delicious scent invades your nostrils.

Who knew Joel Miller could cook?

You follow him into the kitchen and Joel pours you a glass of wine.

“Where did you find this?” you ask in surprise. Wine is a luxury that you haven't been able to afford many times in Jackson, usually the only thing they bring back after searches and patrols are bottles of cheap whiskey.

“I found it two km from here in an abandoned shop. It was stuck under a shelf, probably for years”

“Oh, great”

“Well they say that aged wines are better. Like men, don't you agree?” He smiles, winking at you.

He winked.

Fuck.

You try to hide your surprise by taking a long sip from your glass.

While Joel is busy checking on the stew you take a look around the living room.

It's a nice house, simply furnished like all the houses in Jackson, tidy and clean.

There are some sheets with drawings on the coffee table in front of the couch. You know Joel made them because you've seen him several times on his porch busy drawing animals. A squirrel, a deer, a small bird. He's really good at it.

And obviously his guitar, resting on a stand in a corner near the couch.

In a totally cheesy way you would love to hear him play something for you.

“So, do you like wine?”

You turn and see that he is a few steps away from you, glass in hand.

“Uhm, yeah, it’s good”

He gives you a smile “stew is almost ready”

“Can I help you with something?”

“No, don’t worry, you’re the guest”

You see him linger with his gaze on your legs and up to your breasts and you think that the dress wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He is wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans and is breathtaking.

You scan each other for a few seconds, without speaking. You are like two predators sniffing each other to see who will give in first.

“That dress looks good on you” he finally says and for the first time you notice that he is slightly embarrassed. He looks down at his glass and stares at it harder than necessary.

You still don't know why he invited you tonight but honestly at this point you don't even care. He's more handsome than ever, his hair still slightly damp from the shower and pulled back, that little scar on his cheek that you'd be eager to find out the story of, that smile he's giving you and his hands nervously gripping the glass, everything about him draws you in like a magnet.

"Thank you. You're not bad either." You giggle and you know that it’s definitely what you needed tonight. To feel attractive. To feel seen.

He comes back to the kitchen and after a few seconds he calls you “Dinner’s ready”

You sit at the table in the kitchen and he places a plate in front of you that smells of home, of memories and takes you back to when you were little and your mom cooked for you.

It's like Proust's madeleine.

Evoking sweet feelings with food is one of your favorite things to remember who you were, who you loved, and what was before this debacle.

It's melancholy but also comfort in a certain way, it's like holding on to the truest and most authentic part of you, the one that made you who you are today and probably allowed you to survive.

You take a bite as Joel looks at you in anticipation.

“Wow, this is good!” you exclaim “extremely good. Who knew that you were a chef”

“Ha! I’m really not, it’s just a stew and I’ve done it so many time that I can’t get it wrong at this point”

“It's still the best I've had in years, I need to get invited to dinner more often”

You chuckle and then you blush, because you've made it clear that you hope it's the first of many times.

Damn you.

You hadn't had a love interest in years, obviously, there wasn't time to think about that while the world burned and you had to fight to stay alive. But here, in this little bubble, where people have welcomed you and you have recovered crumbs of normality, it doesn't seem too stupid to feel something for Joel.

Is he grumpy? Sometimes. But he is also incredibly generous, to be honest. When you asked him, a formal contractor, to help you create the library he snorted, he told you that it wasn't necessary, that no one would ever go there anyway.

You shrugged and said that you would have done it anyway with or without his help, Maria had already given you permission.

The next morning you got up early to go and clean up the designated building and found him there, he was repairing a damaged window that wouldn't go up or down.

He grumbled when you asked him ironically what he was doing “someone has to stop you from opening a crumbling library”

You smiled, feeling your heart warm.

And so it was every day until the place was ready. Joel showed up early in the morning or in the evening, spent a few hours fixing the steps, eradicating moths, building shelves and cabinets, even a desk for you.

You've never talked in depth about your lives but you still know something you've heard through the grapevine. He's very secretive about his past so you never asked him any uncomfortable questions, the last thing you would want is for him to never share anything with you again.

The time he helped you with the library was the most enjoyable time you've had here so far and that's when you realized that your crush was more serious than expected.

“Do you want another glass of wine?”

“Why not, i don’t have to drive home”

He laughs “Yeah, no fines for you”

“At most a headache, but I'll think about that in the morning”

“Were you surprised when I invited you?”

he leaves you speechless for a moment and then you find, you don't know how, the strength to use irony, like you always do "I've known for a long time that you want me" you giggle and brush your hair away from your face while you say it.

"Oh yes? How strange, I actually thought it was the opposite” the smirk and the deep chuckle he gives to you goes straight to the most private part of you. Right there. It sits on your clit and you feel it tingling.

Fuck, this man.

You never experienced a flirty Joel Miller before and you were actually quite sure he wasn’t even capable of being so but he is.

“Oh shut up, finish eating” you scoff, feeling your cheeks turn on fire.

He lets go for a while and watches you amusedly fill your mouth with his stew.

“It's a pleasure to see you eat, little finch”

He started calling you that when you couldn't move the furniture in the library on your own. "I don't know how you thought you could manage on your own, little finch."

At first you hated it, now you pretend to hate it but you actually like it.

“Stop calling me that!” you still have to keep up a facade after all.

“Oh come on, finch is the cutest bird, don’t be offended”

“I’m no bird” you pout.

“Yep you are, finch. Delicate. Elegant. Pretty. You walk like you’re floating in the light air and your voice is a lovely chirping sound. It gets on my nerves sometimes, but I actually like it. A lot.”

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

You can't believe he said that.

You feel your heart melt like snow under the sun, your lips involuntarily curl into a smile, your hands tremble with the desire to touching him and between your legs a lustful heat invades you all over.

His face is relaxed, his eyes sparkle mischievously and his smile…his smile pins you to the chair.

You raise your glass in an attempt to drink some courage while he doesn't stop looking at you silently.

Just enough time to bring your lips close to the glass and you find yourself coughing, you're too distracted and the wine goes sideways.

Obviously.

You can't help but look like a fool in front of him, you don't even know how he thinks you're elegant.

“Jesus, are you okay?” he asks in alarm as he reaches up to wrap his arm around your back and pat you lightly.

To your surprise, his large, calloused hands can be very gentle.

“Oh my god, yes, yes I’m okay” you reply between coughs "I'll get over it now"

Now that he knows that you will survive he sits back down to his chair and scrutinizes you with an amused expression.

“Did I go too hard on you?”

“What? No, not all” you reply red-faced, while trying to regain some composure.

“Okay, if you say so” he places a hand on yours gripping the table “Has it passed?”

“Yeah, I think it is” You pour a little water into the other glass he has set and drink, this time slowly.

Finally you feel your breathing return to regularity and your cough gradually subside.“Thank goodness, little finch, think if I should have taken you to the doctor in that lovely dress” and laughs.

You've never seen him laugh so much.

He is intelligible most of the time but tonight he is an open book.

“What's wrong with this dress, Miller?” you ask, ironically, you may be clumsy but not to this point and you want to try to get back at him.

"Nothing. You don't see many of them in Jackson, that's all."

“It doesn't look like anything special to me,” you say, as you realize he's staring insistently at your tits. “Do you see anything special, Miller?”

He shrugs “It’s pretty low cut for nothing”

You bend over slightly, resting your forearms on the table smiling at him, exposing your boobs even more. He is sitting in front of you and still watching at them.

“You're pretty good at it after all, little finch” his eyes have become darker and it's as if a small flame is burning inside them.

You feel a certain pride rising in your chest.

“Now you look like the embarrassed one, Miller, have you seen how things have changed?” Your smirk doesn't go unnoticed by Joel who squirms in his seat as if it has suddenly become uncomfortable.

"Can you tell me something? Why did you invite me tonight?” you’re pushing him, and you know it. And actually, you like it, for once you feel like you have the upper hand.

“Isn't it obvious, finch?” he mutter.

“Maybe, but I'd like to hear it from you. Use your words, Miller, I know you can."

“When you asked me to help you to arrange the library I thought you were crazy. Then I realized I was wrong. It was a nice idea. It was a great idea actually. No one here can go anywhere anymore, and in any case there is nowhere you can go so it is comforting to know that there is always a way to take refuge elsewhere, at least for a few hours, reading a great book. So yes, finch, I like you. I like you because you gave us back some beauty.”

“Fuck Miller, you can make speeches whenever you want”

“It's just one of the reasons I like you, you’re also smart and thoughtful and gorgeous but yeah, that’s it, I’ve said it”

His gaze is languid, you'd almost say longing. Maybe you managed to scratch a small piece of the invisible armor he built to protect himself.

One moment you were bickering as usual and the next Joel fucking Miller left you speechless.

No sarcasm, not an ounce of irony, he sounds sensitive and vulnerable.

It's so strange to see him in this light, the only other time it happened to you you were in the library, he found a children's book and held it in his hands looking at it in silence.

For a moment you could have sworn you saw tears in his eyes, he looked helpless and hurt and then it was the usual Joel, complaining about the mess and the weight of the boxes you had made him lift that gave nightmares to his back.

You get up from the chair without even realizing it, as if it were an involuntary movement that your body needs.

You stop in front of him, who is still sitting, his arms abandoned on the table, his gaze following you questioningly.

You put a hand in his hair and let it run through his dark curls while he instinctively closes his eyes, abandoning himself completely under your touch.

You would like to say something but you don't want to ruin the moment and in any case you can't find any words suitable to describe how you feel.

Moved, yearning, grateful, overwhelmed?

All these things together at the same time.

You let your hand linger on the base of his neck, stroking softly

“Look at me” you whisper.

And his gaze turns, his whole body turns, and you've never seen him so clearly. He rests his large hands on your hips and his gaze pierces you as he lands on yours.

You feel his grip tighten as you lean over him and leave a shy kiss on his lips. Small. Brief. And another, instinctively. And yet another.

And another until his lips part on yours and fit perfectly in a long sigh. He tastes like wine and loneliness and desire.

It’s manly but tender and demanding for more.

Your tongues meet and it's like an electric shock that surprises you but at the same time it's inevitable like when two surfaces rub together generating energy, it is an unwritten physical law that holds you together despite having used all your strength to keep each other at a distance for months.

Now, all you can do is give up.

You kiss him like it's the last thing you do in your life, his eager hands roam your hips, gripping your ass and squeezing tightly.

He part from your lips just the time to stand up and wrapping you entirely in his arms, his mouth searching for yours again, eager, his hands stroking your back while you feel just like a little finch in the most comfortable nest you could find.

“God, I want you” he mutter in your ear nuzzling at your sensitive skin.

“Take me. Just… take me, Joel”

It’s a dreadful need that you feel deep in your bone, the last shred of love you could find in this broken world, a sweet feeling of release that you desperately wanted.

You can’t think straight and don’t want to.

He take off your cardigan and reaches for the hem of your dress and lifts it up roaming your thighs feverishly, squeezing and stroking, his fingers digging into your flesh as you moan softly into his ear. He pulls it up to your waist and you help slide it off your head.

He bends down to take off your boots and throws them on the floor in an unspecified place, then he gets up and takes you back in his arms. He's still dressed while you're almost naked and exposed in a pair of black lace panties and a matching bra. You might be intimidated but you're not. You let yourself be held and explored by his hands. His calloused fingers, rough but gentle, touch you everywhere, giving you goosebumps. He lifts a hand to one of your breast and squeezes it through the fabric.

You can't help but let out a muffled moan while he is filling his hand with your flesh.

“Do you like it, finch? Me squeezing your boob?” he says in a whisper, looking into your eyes.

“Y-yes” you mumble “give me more”

There's a smug, lecherous smile painted on his face as he reaches for your bra and unclasps it with a single gesture.

He slides it off and drops it on the kitchen floor. Your nipples stiffen in an instant, hit by the air, he takes one between his fingers and pinches it, pulling it gently and then his mouth is on it swirling his tongue and sucking it. You squirm at the sensation, digging your hand into his hair again, pushing his face into your breast “more, more” you stammer. You feel his smile spread across your skin and his teeth bite lightly into you.

“You’re ravenous, aren’t you?”

You pull his hair and tilt his face slightly to regain eye contact. “Do you mind?”

“Absolutely fucking not.”

“Good, you can continue doing what you were doing” you smile defiantly. You like to provoke him, especially now.

“You're bossy for a little finch, I like that”

he smiles back, his eyes shining bright with thrill and anticipation.

He returns to greedily licking and sucking like a thirsty man on your nipples, another loud moan escape from your lips.

“Fuck, you’re so good”

“I just started with you, you have no idea what awaits you” he whispers.

“Mmm then less talking, Miller, show me”

Without having to be told twice, he picks you up, much to your surprise, and places you on his couch in the living room.

“Woah, Miller, easy”

“You told me not to waste time talking” he shrugs. chuckling.

He pulls you to the edge of the couch “spread your legs”

You open your legs a little but he is visibly not satisfied, he takes your knees and opens them more "Like this. Now stay still” he orders.

He kneels between your thighs and pulls your panties aside.

You feel his fingers trail up your thigh, slowly, taking the time to slide lightly over your skin, causing you a mixture of tickling and excitement.

You writhe when you feel his index finger grazing your pussy lips, wandering up and down caressing for a little bit before sliding it between them and wetting it completely in your juices.

“You’re soaking wet, baby”

You can literally feel your cunt dripping when he keeps going up and down, briefly sinking into your hole with the tip of his finger and then on your clit, moving in circle with two fingers over your bundle of nerves.

You’re whining again, you’re growing impatient and he perfectly knows that

“Joel…”

“Yes, Finch?”

“You're doing it again”

“What”

“You know what. Do you want to torture me?”

"No. I just want you to beg me."

“God, you’re impossible” you roll your eyes out of exhaustion and arousal.

He stops completely.

“So are you, babe. Can you please let me do what I know best?”

He presses on your clit with two fingers and you squirm.

“Fuck. Okay”

He starts teasing your clit again, moving his fingers up and down to gather your wetness and spread it all over your lips.

“The thing is, finch, your pussy is so good. Look at her, I can’t rush it. She deserves to be loved nicely and slowly”

He is sitting on his heels just taking his time with you and you can’t be more eager to have him in your hole but you breath, resigned to wait for his pace.

He teases your entrance again, this time with two fingers, pushing in a little deeper.

His thumb is still taking care of your clit, moving a little faster than before.

“Eyes on me, babe”

And you do, you lock your eyes with his and you see hunger and lust and wonder.

He’s admiring you and you feel flattered.

He brings his face closer and sticks his tongue out, licking you from bottom to top and then again, letting it slide between your lips.

His beard is scratching you, his tongue stops on your clit swirling around it, jerking it slowly, again and again until you see him closing his lips on it and sucking gently.

He’s devouring you at this point and you mewl and cry and scream for more.

“Jesus - fuck - oh my goodness”

Your fingers are entwined into his curls and you’re pushing his face against you as much as you can, his tongue is fucking your hole now, he delves into you and lick all he can and you start to feel an incredible warmth rising from your core, in your tummy, to your chest.

He finally lets his index and middle finger sliding into you, pumping slowly in and out of your dripping wet cunt.

“Joel, oh my God I - ha! - I can’t, oh God”

“Yes, you can. Just like that, baby, give it to me” he whispers softly against your skin.

You’re on the verge of coming, the most incredible orgasm is knocking at your senses, overwhelming and brutally crushing into you.

“I’m com - oh GOD - yes,Joel, fuck”

He praises you again “come for me, soak my fingers, come on”

And you do. You gush all over his fingers like it was the last thing you do in the world, your legs shake and your heart reach an impossible pace that leaves you breathless.

He keeps licking and pumping into you until you calm and you can’t take your eyes off him bowed between your thighs, he drives you wild.

He stands up grunting at his poor knees and you giggle, he raises an eyebrow at you

“I wouldn't laugh considering the fact that I just made you scream my name”

He sits down on the couch next to you, circling your waist with his big strong arm and pushing you against him.

You bury your face in his chest “Aw, you’re so touchy, Miller” and you giggle again.

“You’re such a little brat.” He says, stroking your hair “But see? I wasn’t lying. It's been many years since I last did this but I still know what to do”

You raise your eyes at him “yeah, I give you that. You’re fucking good” and you place a kiss on the hairless part of his beard “but I-”

“What?” he interrupts you, looking at you maliciously

You bite your lower lip, feeling hot again just for the way he’s holding you tightly watching you with lust in his eyes.

“I want your cock”

“Oh. It’s time to beg, baby”

“Joel…”

“Beg for it, little finch” he’s smiling but his voice is firm and slightly authoritative

“I never beg” you scoff

“You will start now, sweetie, if you want to see me naked”

You look at him with exasperation, rolling your eyes immediately after “okay, Jesus. Can you please give me your cock?”

“Manners, babe. Ask gently”

You ask yourself what have you done wrong to fall for such an unbearable man “Good Lord”

“Beg with conviction”

“Joel Miller, could you do me the courtesy of fucking me? Please?”

You’re smirking hard. You definitely love to get on his nerves.

“You’re getting into trouble with this attitude, you know that?” He reaches one of your nipples and pinches it hard making you whimper into his arms.

You turn serious, looking him in the eyes intensely, licking your lip before saying “Fuck me, Joel. Please.”

“Mmm yes, just like that baby, it didn't take much”

He finally stands up in front of you. He takes off his shirt, revealing a strong, broad chest.

You can see a thin strip of hair disappearing under his jeans but apart from that he is almost hairless, his skin is delightfully dotted with freckles that make your mouth water.

He throws off his shirt and bends over to remove his boots.

Your eyes linger on his back, on his tense, rippling muscles, you can't believe how gorgeous he is, after all you think it was worth begging for this but you will never tell him.

He unzips his jeans and takes them off, remaining in his boxers. The sight of his deliciously soft tummy drives you completely insane. You’re craving him like you never did with anyone before.

“Kneel on the couch for me, baby” he orders and you immediately do, you turn your head just in time to see him taking off his boxers, freeing his already hard and swollen cock. Your knees sink into the pillows and your hands rest on the armrest, you are completely exposed to his will.

He gets behind you on his knees, gripping your hips and pulling you towards him.

“Fuck me Joel, please, fuck me now” you cry

“Such a good girl, begging for my cock like that. You learn quickly, little finch”

You only feel the tip poking at your entrance, he slides his cock against your dripping folds “Beg once more, babe”

You writhe, it’s more than you can take right now, you want him desperately.

“Please, Joel. Please” your voice sounds distraught but you don’t care, not now.

He enters you with a single thrust that makes you scream “Fuck!”

He’s big, so big that his cock burns in your center.

“I told you you were getting into trouble, baby, if you wanted me to be gentle you should have behaved better”

It's a small punishment you can bear, after a few seconds you already got used to his intrusion, you never felt so full before and right now you couldn’t ask for anything better.

He begins to move slowly, in and out of you, sinking deeper each time and reaching that spot that makes you see stars.

His loud grunts numb your head, his fingers dig into your hips as he thrusts into you, maybe he will leave some marks and the thought excite you even more.

“Oh God, please don’t stop, please”

He’s pounding into you incessantly, every thrust more deep leaving you short breath, you’re so wet that every lewd sounds coming from your cunt is making you feel like you’re on the brink of falling apart.

“Fuck, you look so pretty like that, babe, the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen, so perfect for me”

You whine even more at his praises, feeling your pussy clenching hard around his cock.

“Joel please I’m-”

“I know baby, I know, I can feel you, squeezing my cock just right, God you’re taking me so good”

You basically spasm on his cock right now, legs trembling as your sink your fingers in the fabric of the couch desperately trying to hold your posture.

He holds you tightly by your hips, grunting with each thrust into you, hitting your cervix again and again.

“Come for me baby, come all over my cock”

You’re quivering so hard that you almost think of being on the verge of losing your mind.

You cry his name feeling so full and dazed while your orgasm explodes inside you.

He pumps into you until you calm down but he’s still throbbing against your walls “Where do you want me?”

“On my tits - please”

He comes out of you and you lie down on his couch, his throbbing cock is in front of you, he takes it in his hand, milking it a couple of time before releasing his cum all over you. He moans loudly as he paints your tits and chest with his pleasure.

He lies down on top of you, groaning “God, this was amazing”

You feel his sticky seed spreading on your skin but you don't care, you wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him softly.

He moves to the side so as not to weigh you down and takes you in his arms again.

You hide your face for a moment in the crook of his neck, inhaling his woody, citrusy perfume, with a hint of the natural sweaty scent of his skin. He smells amazingly.

“I could get used to it” you giggle

“Me too, little finch” and he leaves a kiss on your hair.

“Oh, you made completely forgot about it, do you know what day it is today?”

“No, should I?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you. It’s my birthday.”

His eyes widen, “Really?”

“Yep”

“Well then happy birthday. Did you like your present?”

“It’s the best I’ve ever received”

You kiss him again, knowing how true it is.

“We should take a shower,” he laughs.

“Yeah, you’re… well…all over me…but to be honest, I like it.”

He smiles widely “Come on little finch, I might have another gift for you in the bathroom”

“Oh, then I can’t wait to unwrap it”

[apeninastory]

ivan as a tragic-love character (pt.4d?)

Part 3 here (Nowhere's analysis). I should be almost done. I think. Not sure. I'm keeping it brief this time, I have no energy to deal with Cure now.

Mind-blowing discovery related to Nowhere: Ivan can compose and write songs alright. We know Till is a genius when it comes to it, but look at Ivan being an excellent talent as well! I keep thinking about Ivan moving his fingers as if he was strumming a guitar, same way Till does when he composes, and my heart feels full.

10] Black Sorrow.

We go back where this madness of mine started. Top 1 (now slightly Top 2 for me) song from Alien Stage, and what can I say that I haven't already written in the past? I love Ivan's husky, expressive voice here, so different from the plain (equally expressive) and numb tone he uses in Nowhere, like two sides of the same coin. The talent this boy has... Infinite and vast, just like his heart - only, he doesn't quite realize that.

Black Sorrow is the song that brings him victory in Round 3. It is a song deemed good enough for his character, for the Ivan the aliens wanted and he himself built, piece by piece. By the time he steps on the stage and sings it, Ivan is who what he should be - the puppet, the valuable smile, the charming participants in the Top 3 of ALNST 50° edition.

Black Sorrow is also the song that marks and anticipates Ivan's disobedience. It once again presents us with Ivan's dream, "I can’t reach you, so I imagine alone You who shines, I stand next to you", because in the face of their impending doom, imagining something that will never be is all that's left to him. Just like falling stars, Ivan understands that Till is similarly ephemeral, that he won't be by Ivan's side forever - that Ivan himself can't stay by his side forever. That's where the black sorrow reaches its climax.

Ivan gives so much with this song - not only with the lyrics, but with the way he sings them. The way he rages against the final verses, saying "You are my Black Sorrow"? It's heart-wracking, a memento of the person he has been, a slice of what he had in his heart, what he wanted, what could have been, what he discarded and held on tight until the end but never truly managed to get out.

You know what I also love about Round 3 performance? Toward the end, Ivan extends his hand. At first he points in front of him, and he has this expression - mocking, aggravated, like he is making fun of someone or accusing him of hurting Ivan so much. First case, he is moking himself. Second case, he is accusing Till.

The he turns serious, eyes dark, half-lidded, and he opens his hand - palm up, like an invitation, like he is trying to reach something - someone.

What blew my mind is that he doesn't close his hand. Doesn't try to grab that thing, that person, doesn't try to drag it toward himself - no, he just reaches out and keeps singing until his voice curls and scratches and takes everything out of him. He only reaches out and gives all of himself and maybe, probably hopes for someone to finally turn and take his hand (again). He doesn't force it - he never had. Ivan is willing to be left behind, alone, willing to see Till love someone else, willing to die for him because he knows he can't have any of that - because he knows his palm will forever be cold and empty.

Wow. I am my own nightmare.

11] Ivan, love and shallow emotions

I said the dissonance in ivan starts with the metor shower and is mirrored in Nowhere - that it is the song where Ivan tells about himself, about the Ivan he intertwined, about the story of himself he wrote.

Ivan is a kid who built his unlucky life on survival skills, but then here comes Till, and Ivan is basically at war with himself. The numbness that helps him survives takes emotions (their comprehension) away from him, and at the same time, feelings he doesn't understand and has no rational labels for emerge, and he doesn't know what to do.

In the end (and I literally mean "the end", the time approaching his death, when he knows he'll have to compete against Till), it's about what he refined all his life (his ability to survive) and Till, who evokes Ivan's most human and chaotic side.

He calls them "shallow emotions", but my love, there is nothing more intense and deep than giving up your life willingly, as we all tend to self-preservation.

Why does he call it "shallow"? How could he not? He had a very specific definition/example for love, and he never felt like he fit in. He never felt deserving. He probably considered it, at a certain point, "can I be loved? Is this feeling I am reading about/seeing something that will ever touch me?" and the answer was most certainly "no". We know it is, Vivimeng told us in the fan meeting, but it is obvious. There is a big wall between Ivan and love, and he built it. It's not his fault that wall appeared, but he helped out in leaving it in place and fortifying it.

Conclusion? Since his love and affection toward others are strange and obsessive and lack the beautiful, shiny, rose-tinted lively intensity that he clearly sees portrayed in other people's eyes, his feelings can only be shallow in comparison.

What is ultimately devastating about Ivan is that he loved Till so much and he didn't fully realize. We know it, we can say it with stark clarity, it's written all over his face, in his eyes, in his twisted actions. He loved slowly and deeply and breathtakingly, with crying eyes and a smile, and he still thought it all to be shallow.

Don't you wanna just... bang your head against a wall?

PART 5!

[thinking-through-some-things]

Curious about your EPIC rework because I was also disappointed by it

like i mentioned in my other post here (before i gave up), this definitely isn't the only possibility; you could focus the musical around something else. for my version, though...

as i said, i would build the musical around the idea of duty vs desire, and tie that into mercy vs ruthlessness. i think it would focus less on odysseus's guilt overall, which seems to be the real focus of the musical, and focus it more in this direction. still plenty of angst, but a little more pointed.

a lot of my changes probably take the musical further away from the odyssey. i'm actually not too concerned about trying to faithfully follow the source material; i think it's more important to actually tell a coherent story, and when you're abridging the material, you need to cut stuff. just be clear that's what you're doing.

(also i'm not going to cover everything i think needs to be fixed. mostly just elements to support my theme.)

i think it's a given that the saga format doesn't work for the final draft of a musical. no shade, it was a really smart way to gradually release the musical. ultimately though, it limits the story because then they were blocked into sticking with a theme, and you end up with too many epic finale songs... but i'll stick with it to help organize here. i'm just not sticking with a "theme". mostly because i'm getting rid of the wisdom saga to better distribute its songs.

unsurprisingly, i've written far too much and it's poorly organized, so this is just act one. i'll reblog with act two.

act one

overall, i would say act one is by far the stronger of the two. i'm probably going to cut at least 30% of the current act two, but act one mostly just needs editing. some songs might need more work, but mostly they still get to stay in the same place. add some spoken dialogue and you've got a pretty decent start.

the troy saga:

most of the troy stuff is fine. i think it helps to set up this idea of ruthlessness, and shows the peacekeeping side of odysseus. could it be stronger? yeah. but i like it setting this whole thing up. i have 2 main changes here.

1) every time odysseus mentions penelope and telemacus, he needs to mention anticlea. the musical has a bad habit of not introducing characters/elements until they're relevant, and i think it suffers for that. including odysseus's mother in the list of people he wants to get home to makes her death more impactful. i was so confused when she showed up the first time; she needs to be in here from the start.

2) to go with my theme, i would do this: the reason odysseus needs to kill the baby is because the baby would grow up to kill him; however, that doesn't necessarily mean ithaca would suffer. zeus can word it really carefully - i don't think that distinction needs to be immediately clear to the audience, but after you know how the story ends you can go back and realize that when you re-listen to it. this doesn't require much tweaking, but it helps to really set up the idea of making decisions for the greater good vs for selfish reasons (maybe he could have raised the kid? and only he would have died in the end? i want the audience to question this!)

moving into the second half of the saga, i think we need to introduce odysseus's men earlier. maybe a scene of him commanding them in troy? since i'm talking about a full musical instead of the current format, this might just be dialogue, not a song. but i think we definitely need a little more of polites before he dies. i don't really like having odysseus start out untrusting and jumpy, which is how he comes across to me in open arms. it doesn't make sense for this to be a lesson he needs to learn now, after being king of ithaca for well over a decade. originally i was just going to cut him, but my fiance persuaded me to let him stay. plus his death to polyphemus is a very brutal turning point.

instead, i would have a song/scene where we set up eurylochus and polites as odysseus's two advisors, two different sides of his leadership. you could rewrite open arms to fit here. polites argues for presuming peace, and eurylochus views things with suspicion and wants to attack first to keep the men safe. this really helps set up mercy vs ruthlessness. it shows odysseus is already a leader who balances peace and action, and it makes polites's death all the more tragic, because he represents the death of odysseus's inclination towards peace.

finally, i find athena's introduction and focus on being ruthless in this and the next saga confusing. she's mad at him for not being less emotional and more ruthless, but i don't see what that has to do with him being a "warrior of the mind". instead, i would make it clear that she thinks he isn't being cautious enough. she's mad because she thinks he isn't being shrewd, not because he's being nice.

athena and eurylochus should be coming from the same place: we need to be overly cautious and strike first, because that's how you stay safe. and rather than having a jumpy odysseus being taught to trust people by his soft bestie, i think he should be a general, exhausted from fighting for 10 years, jumping on the idea of relying on trust so he can relax and not feel so jumpy. his duty is to balance these two ideas, mercy vs ruthlessness, but because he chooses only mercy without remaining vigilant, polites dies and now he only has eurylochus to give him advice, meaning no one else is trying to suggest mercy. (i don't think eurylochus is bad - actually, he clearly prioritizes the crew and is always suggesting whatever is best for them. but often what is best for you isn't the best for those you come across, which is why it's the leader's job to balance those two things - again, the theme i'm going with in this version.)

anyways, athena needs to focus on pushing odysseus to be more suspicious and calculating, not more ruthless. she scolds him at all the same points, but now it actually makes sense. i don't love their flashback, but i don't have suggestions to fix it, so we'll leave it alone for now.

the cyclops saga

not too many notes here. getting to see the crew more gives it a little more weight (the stage production needs a tiny dialogue scene where you get quips and comments from nobodies so they're a little more recognizable when they die! make people even sadder!), but this is a really chilling series. the exposition bits need rewording (and again, a stage production has the benefit of 1) spoken word, and 2) stage directions so you can just show things happening).

odysseus's convo with athena needs work. as is, this doesn't seem like a good place for "what good would killing do when mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use." this is supposed to be the stance athena takes at the end of the musical, but this particular act of mercy seems to lead to the death of most of his men in the very next act - which really makes it weird that athena apparently agrees with that sentiment.

i don't hate everything about this line, especially if we actually see athena ruminating over the line over the next 10 years. but it needs to be clear that it is not mercy but pride that leads to the death of his men. or, if we want to make it about mercy instead of pride, it shouldn't be as the sort of threatening brag that it currently is; instead, frame it as "even now, when we've beaten you, we're still choosing to let you live. because i, odysseus, king of ithaca, have chosen to show you mercy." obviously yes it's still his pride, but then when everyone blames his "mercy" for getting his men killed it makes more sense.

(coming back to really hone in on the idea that mercy isn't the problem here - maybe eurylochus notices something is off before polyphemus starts singing, tries to point it out, and gets brushed off as being too suspicious and bloodthirsty? yet again, i find the musical's stance on mercy confusing. is it good? they seem to want it to be - that's definitely what open arms implies, especially since it gets repeated so often. except the musical stresses that mercy is *why* everything went south here, and it rarely actually shows mercy working. it's confusing. i think this whole thing should feel more like odysseus was reckless, the only thing athena calls him that actually makes sense, and that's why this didn't work. the characters don't need to say it directly, but the musical needs to better frame it that way.)

(an aside, but they still grab sheep on their way out? obviously they're still starving but like. i'm side-eyeing the way everyone (in the musical) acts like he was so "merciful" for leaving polyphemus alive, but even after he learns the sheep are polyphemus's friends and their deaths are what drive him to violence, he still makes a point of stealing and killing them... this isn't a serious criticism i'm just poking fun at it. but hypocritical much?)

athena's anger in my goodbye makes no sense to me - not that she's not justified, but that her reasons make no sense. she calls him "sentimental" and "soft", but that's absolutely not the problem here. she should yell at him for being prideful and cocky. accuse him of sparing polyphemus just to feed his own ego, or of being short-sighted - she mentioned the danger of leaving him alive in the last song, why not bring that up again? why doesn't she scold him for foolishly giving up his name? it's really weird that she keeps harping on the idea that he's "emotional".

odysseus's retort is good, but also a bunch of people just died so it's weird that he's so confident about how right he is. "my friend is dead, our foe is blind. the blood we shed, it never dries" from the last song, and "unlike you, every time someone dies I'm left to deal with the strain" in my goodbye are really good lines. more of his position needs to come from his exhaustion, because odysseus is smart. he's a brilliant general. this does a better job of explaining why he's making so many mistakes early on, and why he's pushing back against athena so hard despite the fact that he just fucked up real bad. he was wrong. he should have acted faster like she warned him to. but making him a man, exhausted from a decade of fighting, desperately trying to grant mercy where he can? his pushback makes more sense.

also, him jabbing at her for wanting "to be known" and being alone? really weird. the musical frames athena as this loser whose only friend was odysseus. i don't get it. especially when you're calling her a goddess who doesn't understand feelings right before that? which is she, a powerful goddess or a lonely girl? stick with him accusing her of not understanding human emotions and interactions. it still gives her a reason to stick around - she can be offended by the insinuation that there's something she doesn't understand, and it gives her a reason to dwell on his comments and eventually change.

the ocean saga

eurylochus needs to call odysseus out; if he'd listened to him, if they'd acted faster against polyphemus, they might not have lost those men, including polites. obviously that might not be true, but it feels like that's what his position should be. it's really weird that they're nervous about the wind god because "your luck might run out" rather than "you did just make a bad call that got people killed". especially when odysseus says "i took 600 men to war and not one of them died there." sure, not there, but you just lost a couple to a cyclops. this more deliberate questioning makes the sidebar with "i can't have you planting seeds of doubt" a little more serious. it's not just "what if you're not lucky," but also "what if you're not as sharp? what if you're making mistakes and bad calls?" the luck thing works for the rest of the crew, but eurylochus's role in this musical is to question odysseus and challenge him as a leader, to make sure odysseus is doing what will keep the men safe.

eurylochus questioning odysseus more pointedly makes the betrayal in the next song make more sense. we should already have the sense that he's starting to doubt odysseus's judgement. his "luck running out" doesn't really explain why you're doubting him with the wind bag; but if you think he's hiding things or making bad decisions, suddenly it makes a lot more sense. i think the implication in the show is that it's just curiosity, and we don't even hear eurylochus asking about it. now, if we have already established eurylochus is already questioning odysseus's judgement, it's a little less weird when we learn he's the one who opened it.

again, we need a mention of anticlea, and she should sing with penelope and telemacus.

honestly? basic take here but i like ruthlessness. i'm fine with not changing my theme to use a better word because this one is a banger. and the one animatic with him as a creepy horse? more horse poseidon imagery, please.

i think poseidon needs to call out specifically how hypocritical odysseus is more. lean into that "false righteousness". the problem is that he isn't being "nice" or "merciful", at least not in those moments, not in how he's currently behaving. most of this interpretation is already there; honestly, just changing the delivery of some of the lines would go a long way. "you are far too nice" needs to have the last word almost spat out - poseidon doesn't actually think odysseus is nice; nice is just a word odysseus is hiding behind to justify his actions. i'm sure it could use more work, but at a glance i really like this one.

it goes without saying that the ending sucks ass though.

i can't imagine anyone thinks that was a good ending. idk how to fix it because the current one is so bad it's hard to think of any way to have something good there. you just can't have the jaunty "open this bag" music in there at all. i know they like to mix in motifs and call back to other songs, but it fucking kills all the momentum in what is otherwise a very dramatic song - and we need to be able to take this song seriously, because it's what the entire rest of the musical is based on. i'm open to a completely different ending, but if you want it to stay relatively close to the current staging: poseidon and odysseus stare each other down. poseidon asks "any last words?" and you think odysseus is about to say something dramatic and instead... he yells "eurylochus!" poseidon is confused, but eurylochus responds with "captain!" and, understanding what he's asking for, throws odysseus the wind bag (he helped odysseus close it, so maybe he got it then, or at some other point, idk). and then odysseus opens the bag in poseidon's face. then everything poseidon does is the same, the effect is the same, you just don't get the musical equivalent of a wet pool noodle slapped across your face.

the circe saga

first! an addition! the musical wants athena to be a foil to odysseus, but they do such a poor job of exploring her character or logic at all, it just doesn't work. her character revolves way too much around odysseus. she says goodbye, and then we see her 4 sagas later (half the musical) where, apparently, she's decided odysseus was right because... maybe if she'd agreed with him they would still be friends. and then she defends everything he's done... look, i'm getting rid of god games, so i won't go into that now. yeah, odysseus is still what prompts her to change her mind in my version, but he's just the start of that journey. she's going to have other reasons. i want to add in a couple songs throughout the musical, just to show the transition a bit. additionally, they can help show time passing in odysseus's story by breaking it up a bit.

this first song is a small one. it's just telling us what athena is thinking and what she's going to do. it's basically her mopey and angry that odysseus insulted her. but she's a goddess of wisdom and intellect, so she's kind of intrigued - maybe there is something to learn about leading with kindness. i haven't decided how she ends up back in ithaca, but she's decided to investigate this. i know the popular (not academic, more fandom-related) interpretation of greek gods is that they're all stubborn and that's the whole point, but for the sake of this story and the theme (and also the character), i think athena should take the stand that if there is wisdom to be gained, it is her duty to learn it. again, this one is pretty short - a verse of angry, and then she talks herself down, and then she's setting out to investigate - a little bit to learn something new, maybe a little bit to prove odysseus wrong.

the athena song can also go at the end of the circe arc. i was going to put another one in there, but the pacing and time line don't match well, and monster is definitely the finale to act one. i wanted to fit something along the lines of the start of the wisdom saga in here, but i think i'm going to put it at the beginning of act two, so. only one extra song for now.

onto the actual saga: i think it's done pretty well. some of the phrasing is awkwardly fit into songs, but that might just be me, and it's overall not egregious. i will confess that "she had us in just two words" "come inside" "damn" does make me giggle every time like a 12-year-old boy. i didn't mention it in my post on the musical's women because i don't think the text directly addresses it, but there's a definite implication that circe is as harsh as she is to protect her nymphs from sexual assault, which they might have faced before. removing the undertones of that from her relationship with odysseus was the right call - i don't think that's a conversation this musical actually wants to have, and it muddles her justification for how she handles the men.

circe is also gives us someone to compare odysseus's leadership to; she's basically the only other leader of a cohesive group that we see. her harsh policy stands in direct contrast to odysseus's earlier choice to start with unchecked "mercy". in turn, her nymphs are safe. we see her later learn that there are times where you can extend mercy and trust, so she even has character growth. (you could make a very interesting comparison between circe & her nymphs and the sirens, but that's a discussion for outside of the musical, so i'll leave it for now.) i wouldn't be surprised if other people have criticisms, i just haven't been able to find basically any critical discussion of the musical, so.

you could mostly leave this saga alone, but i'm inclined to take my red pen and make some bigger changes. i'm just not sure how to. i really don't like hermes and the flower being inserted here - again, i think there's too much bloat in the musical of "oh here's a thing that's in this specific bit, clearly just because that's what happens in the odyssey, and then we won't talk about it again." hermes does appear in two songs, but actually, does he need to? i'm of the opinion that the musical needs fewer characters so that it can better focus on developing the ones that actually need to be in here. the only problem is that odysseus needs the flower from hermes to explain why he has magic in the next song. okay, so what if no magic is used, and he just uses his wit to convince her? except that's basically what the plot of the next song is. so at this point i've basically gotten rid of two songs and completely changed the third, and that doesn't really work. or need to happen.

i stand by wanting to remove hermes. i think you can just give odysseus some line to eurylochus about having heard about a plant on these islands that makes one immune to being transformed by magic for a time. i don't think it's important - it's literally a small, one-time detail just to explain why circe doesn't immediately turn him into a pig. he doesn't need magic in done for - he can just fight with a sword while circe is slinging spells at him. and then you can still go into there are other ways.

the one change that i think does need to be made is that odysseus needs to spend a year on the island. he needs to be stuck here. it does mean you have to basically cut the song in half, but that just means the second part, where circe decides to help odysseus, needs to be a reprise. i think you have circe trying to seduce odysseus, and then she's shocked when he rejects her. the difference is that he doesn't fully win her over; instead, she decides to give him and the rest of his crew one year. for one year, his remaining crew recovers on the island and rebuild the ship, helping the nymphs with whatever tasks they ask and basically proving "not all men" are terrible. finally, odysseus shows that there's payoff to being a merciful leader! he saves all of his men! as they're finally preparing to leave, penelope shows up, we get the reprise, and she sends them to the underworld. all is well!

the underworld saga

or, all is not well.

this is where i spell out my theme: while a good leader is merciful, mercy takes time. and that extra time can be detrimental to personal goals.

this is why it's important to mention anticlea earlier, and why the crew spends an extra year on circe's island trying to save the rest of the men. taking a year to save his men makes odysseus a good leader, yes, but it might have cost him a chance to see his mother before she died. it doesn't matter when she actually died in the odyssey - what matters is that this is really what makes odysseus question the cost of mercy. this is where he starts to put his own desires over the safety of the crew, because the cost of taking too long is suddenly real - as is the cost of taking time to be merciful.

i actually don't have too much to add. some edits might need to be made to fit with other changes, but overall it's fine.

okay, there's act one! this is definitely long enough, so i'll reblog with act two. suggestions and conversation are welcome; again, my fiance already changed my mind on one part. i haven't actually see any discussion on changes yet, so i'm happy to consider other changes, or for mine to be challenged (by something other than "actually this is perfect").

[concert-bflat]

I need to rant about Ivan guys guys I neeed to rant about Ivan (<--- keeps trying to write fics of him but Never finishes him) like God this man is so gay and so in love it genuinely hurts it Hurts and I am Injured by it and the imagrey is Sooo Good (and Yes this is probably me just parroting stuff Everyone has already said before but shut up it's my turn now!! (aka please I've been holding in these thoughts for Months now I must let them out of their cage before one of them Dies)) [Edit I am Not fucking proofreading this I spent 2 hours on it if there is a mistake you Imagined it </3]

Just like,

You can see it in the way he sees the stars in Till. His own hopes for freedom and the only real light in this world that he lost sight of in Till. He is the hope and wish for freedom that he has shut away and repressed and it makes him fall So Hard

Or how you only really see that red in his eyes (after. Almost Dying) when he's with or singing/thinking about how Till has Inspired him, like a fire has been lit inside him. A fire lit in the darkness. . hmm...

even at the end of the song, where he knows full well that he absolutely Crushed his opponent and also knows full well that Till is his next one. I'm sick. I'm so sick.

Or like. When he frees Till and everything is just Engulfed in that red now. How Till has that same fire in his eyes, he and Ivan are on the same page now. They see that same hope for freedom and they both share it. They're running towards the light (like the sky's lighter there, more on that in a sec), hell, the corners of the right side of the screen are literally tinted in LIGHT GREEN. Till's color. God dammit the whole scene is tinted in red and green. They are literally Complementary Colors. I'mmm soooooooo (God these scenes are soo pretty too I was genuinely Stunned when I first saw this)

DID YOU EVEN NOTICE I ONLY NOTICED NOW the Stars are fucking green. You can see it better in some of the Later Images but they are Literally Green because Ivan sees the stars in Till and uuuughsdfbshb

OR LIKE WHEN TILL TURNS BACK?? AND. And that red is no longer in his eyes and before The Realization hits Ivan his eyes are just Glowing with red. Because he was just Filled with that hope. Freedom was, potentially, Right There

Did you guys even notice in that like. 5 frames in the half-second animation of Till turning away he's totally engulfed in his shade of green. Like of Course. That's such a Till thing to do because of Course he's running back he never actually liked Ivan that way in the first place.

And also the lighting of the sky Flips. Because the light has always been with Till. And Ivan's left in the darkness. In the. Haha. Ha. Black Sorrow. Aha *sits down cries*

And Again with this mf's stupid eyes how they revert to just black because that hope's been stripped away again, how it's even reflected in his present self singing as he reminisces on it. Fucking. Ivan's Expression when Till runs away.T here's so fucking much like the irony. Like did he even see Till hesitate or did he just see him turn and run away.

Like the irony that the guy who's always breaking the rules and fighting and defying and clearly hating living in a world like this won't run away with him, who has always been passive and obeying the rules and just accepting captivity and has been repressing his desire for freedom is so Bitter and Awful but also he always Knew this would happen what the Hell was he thinking this was such a stupid idea like

this man gets No Breaks No Breaks Ever oh yeah btw they're facing off against each other in a literal Death Match. That they might've had a Chance of avoiding if they ran away. Ahah. Hh *sob*

Also this art brings me so much Joy as much as it hurts me on a visceral level like. Ivan Always has his eyes on Till but it goes from a fond smile. Like So Fond flat out lovestruck affectionate gaze because he loves this man and loves spending time with him to a grimace once they're on stage. How Till never really changes or really Has Changed, and that's why Ivan loves him as much as he is resentful towards him. How that's what brought them here, to the stage. How Ivan changed for Till and Because of Till but still Till is like a god damn immovable object with how he stubbornly sticks to his ways. There's such resentment but isn't he himself also stubborn for always sticking to Till anyways? Hell, he's singing all about him in Round 3 and loses control over his own emotions and expressions during it I'mmm Guhhh

Also the first image is titled Observation while the second one is titled Decision(? I think). Like mf What are you deciding. What happened Last Time you decided to do something I'm going to punt you into the next planet

Speaking of observing,

Just. How Ivan's Always Observing. I saw one person point out he's like a background character and it's like he sees himself as one too. He is a passive observer in his Own Life. How he watches all the other children in Anakt garden play. How his childhood leading him to Anakt Garden just kind of. Happens around him while he watches indifferently.

How he's always trailing behind Till. Or how he tends to just. Observe quietly and is portrayed as such.

Not to mention how he doesn't appear in the memories of Anyone else's rounds, not even Till's, even when he literally (temporarily) freed him from the city. He doesn't even appear At All in Luka's round even though we get a clear shot of Till getting his hopes and dreams shattered (though it Does parallel another shot of him from Round 2)

And then the One Times he tries to take action. Or start something. It gets rejected and he's resigned to just. Trailing behind again. Because of Course he'll always follow after Till. And of Course he's fucking bitter about it and bitter about himself because he Knew this would happen and Till is Always looking at someone else and that Never Changes but. He just thought for a moment that he could change something. Man.

Oh I forgot to talk about the competitions themselves huh? Wellll, (and I'll Attempt to keep it brief because I've been writing this post for Much too long but)

Till spends his first round singing completely devotedly to Mizi. Hell, his song wasn't even in the program, it's likely- no, almost definitely something he wrote entirely for her, and Ivan has no part in it, just watches bitterly as he passes out after his, er, stunt at the end

And continues to be passed out for almost the entirety of Ivan's song

Oh but he woke up for the emotional/musical climax at least, going over Ivan's most important memory of them together, that's cool at least right?! Surely Till felt something from that

Maybe they can talk something out, or at least acknowledge their relationship in Some way. Maybe Ivan could at least be seen by Till-

Aaand Till's Actual love interest Supposedly gets shot and now he probably thinks she's dead. His attention is turned to her once again, like it's always been from the start. He never really changes huh?

Better luck next time Ivan--

Just. This mf Never Wins and it makes me Laugh as much as it makes me So Sad

Gets hopes and dreams and future crushed by aliens (standard stuff). Sold off in an auction. Put in prestigious singing school and up to that point he hasn't really cared about Anything and has simply been going through the motions.

Meets boy that basically embodies the freedom and hope he used to have. Falls badly in love. Boy loves someone else. Tries to free him and give him the thing he'd surely want most. Rejected. Back to school you go loser.

Oh btw this school is to train you for a competition to the death. Btw you're facing off against that boy you love in the semi-finals of said death competition. And you might kill him or he'll kill you. Because you didn't run away when you had the chance.

Also he didn't sing or think about you at all during his round. In fact I'm pretty sure he wrote a whole ass song that wasn't even registered in the Alien Queue or whatever for someone else. Also he probably has hardly looked at you. Also he was unconscious for almost the entirety of your song. Except for the part where you lost control of your emotions.

Oh but that doesn't matter now because now he thinks the person He likes was just killed. So he's kiiinda gonna be distracted by that. And that might fuck up your round with him. Sorry man

This was Originally a rant about how much I love Black Sorrow's imagery and the portrayal of Ivan's love because this man clearly has Complex Emotions and then Kinda derailed into me just ranting about how many L's he's being handed before getting the executioner's blade. Uhhhhh oops. Congrats on sticking to the end though?

I just love Ivan very much. He is So Bitter and so Horribly In Love and looks up to and is inspired by Till So Much and I wish people explored him on a deeper level/more personally.

I wish I saw more deep looks at Ivan/Till, there's clearly Complicated Things going on there. Hell, we don't even know what Till's pov on the whole thing is aside from that One scene of him hesitating before running away from Ivan. As much as I love fluffy interpretations of them, I (did I mention that I'm an angst addict btw. Could You Tell) wish all their Complexities could be acknowledged. Like how Ivan Clearly puts Till on such a spotlight and it is Such a downfall for him through and through and he Kinda knows it but also What Else does he Have and he really looks up to him Sooo Much (just. Look at them in that official art of them in Anakt Garden !!!) and deep down just wants to run away from this horrible place and wants to run with Till, the Light of his life the fire in the darkness the fucking stars the universe his black sorrow just. Oh My God I need to end this post already I was supposed to be studying but spent those 2 hours Writing instead

But anyways yeah uuhhh long story short? This guy is a gay loser. He tries to look sooo cool and smooth but he is suuuch a gay lovestruck loser and his rose tinted glasses are so thick he can't see shit (I'm pretty sure I quoted that from something (but also no genuinely when I first got into alnst after just watching the first 3 rounds videos and saw Ivan in official art I was So Surprised like "Oh he's actually That kind of mf that tries to look Cool and Hot but is actually just Pathetic and Sad and Gay I thought he was Just Sad and Gay")) he's probably also touchstarved as hell idk and his love is doomed by the narrative (unless Hyuna saves his and Till's asses. Buuut we'll see </333)

Love ya Ivan keep taking L's <3333 mwah

[karasukarei]

Miscellaneous WinBre-adjacent Experiences

I did lots of random stuff during my recent trip and I thought some of them would be of some interest to the WinBre circle 👀

Edit: Omg I forgot to put everything under a cut I'M SO SORRY FOR MAKING EVERYONE SCROLL

Stuff under the cut:

WinBre x Sanrio

Natori's concert

Shizuoka's tea fields

Other random things of some note

WinBre x Sanrio collab

Yeah the title says it all. If I were to be brutally honest I didn’t really like many of the collab designs… The only one I found that was pretty nice was Suou x Kuromi.

The chibis really weren’t that cute imo ;-; 

Also the collab was held at the TV station, so they had the original promo standees on display too!

Yeah this is me simping.

Ok but this was both unhinged and genius. Whoever decided to put the standee in the aquarium. You are my new hero.

Natori’s concert - 劇場〜再演〜

I managed to score tickets to Natori’s concert in Osaka! This is gonna be a mini concert review (and some mild simping, cos I followed Natori even before Wind Breaker). (Just in case you’re not aware, Natori was the artiste for Wind Breaker’s opening Zettai Reido)

Overall, it was REALLY GOOD. He’s one of the rare singer/songwriters who isn’t just a musician, but is an actual performer. I’m not even kidding when I say that he sounds way better live than in any of his recordings, and the way he changes the notes between cadences on the fly really makes each live performance unique. He’s also really big on dancing and enjoying the music, multiple times he’d tell everyone “踊ろうぜ” (let’s dance!) and he’d just start dancing as he sings, it’s just so chill and enjoyable. They also had a brass triplet on stage, they were SO GOOD, the sax player even switched to flute for some songs!

The stage decor was pretty cool as well, you can essentially split the performance into two halves. For the first half, it was a sort of halloweenish sort of situation, where there was like grey cloth (I think to mimic grey stone or thick cobwebs) draped over the stage pieces and overhanging the projector. Once he starts Gekijou (song 11), all of that falls off and you can see all the intricate wooden detail on the stage sets!!! It was SO COOL, and the different decor really complemented the two halves of the setlist.

Setlist

(source)

Commenting on just the memorable parts or areas that I found of note:

Song 2 Sleepwalk was where all the dancing started! It’s so groovy and the easy swing is SO CATCHY, I really admire how he just sings all these long run-on lyrics effortlessly! (I must admit that the way he sings the endings of a few lines, even in other songs, quite erotic cos of how he growls a bit and alters the notes x_x)

Song 6 EAT was SO GOOD live. I heard the demo before and the quality wasn’t great so I couldn’t really appreciate it, but this version was GOOD. It was so much more polished and had better mixing, and you can feel the high and low tension points in the song now, instead of it sounding a bit flat in the demo.

Song 9 Terminal wasn’t a really big favourite of mine when I first heard it, but it’s SO GOOD live OMG. The tension points were a lot clearer, and singing along with the repeating "da da da la da da da" makes it so much more immersive. This completely changed my perspective on the song, I really like it so much more now!!!

Song 10 Seishatachi I REALLY like this song (it’s the B-side to Zettai Reido), from the live you can tell it’s a pretty technically difficult song cos of the all the off-beats x_x I also realised that the very last syllable in the song is a very very long “da-“ that you can’t hear in the recording cos of all the mixing ^^; he just screams “DA——“ into the mic and holds it for a few seconds, it was SO COOL.

Song 11 Gekijou’s true stars were the brass triplet in my opinion, hearing them live was really what turned the performance into a theatre!!! Natori also welcomes you by saying “劇場へようこそ！” (Welcome to the theatre) while striking the same pose as the key visual, it’s just so cohesive and well thought-out and I was SO IMPRESSED by all the planning that went into this one song.

Song 13 Overdose had an extended mix with the chorus repeating at least 2-3 times at the end (I didn’t count cos I was having SO MUCH FUN). I must admit I wasn’t that big a fan of Overdose (yes I’m a weirdo, my favourite songs are Eureka and Cult), but DAMN the party atmosphere in this mix was amazing.

Song 15 Melodrama is his new collab song with Imase, the only note I have is that you get to hear Natori sing both parts instead of splitting with Imase hahaha (I do actually prefer Natori’s voice over Imase for this song).

Song 16 IN_MY_HEAD is an unreleased song and it is SO WILD, the video they showed with the song felt like something out of a Kyary Kyary Pamyu MV with brains spinning around on neon coloued backgrounds x_x But it’s pretty different from his previous songs, it’s far more rock-influenced with more repetitive choruses and head-banging. Part of me likes to think that Kitani Tatsuya might have had some influence on this www.

Song 17 Zettai Reido was one of the only songs he played guitar for (I can’t remember the other one but I do remember it was an acoustic guitar for that), and damn this is a REALLY hard song. I do think this is one of the few songs where his recordings were slightly better, but tbh I do very much prefer the live version because his voice wavers a bit and gives the song so much more flavour.

Songs 18 and 19 Eureka and Cult - DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HAPPY I WAS TO HEAR MY TWO FAVES IN A ROW. THE JOY AND EXCITEMENT. THE ACCOMPANYING VIDEOS WERE SO NICE TOOOO. I especially loved the one for Cult, it was an animated view of a town from up on a hill, and you can see the seasons and day/night cycles throughout the year, and was just so chill and poignant ;-;

Song 20 Itoudenwa sounds SO GOOD live, I already liked the original version but I LOVE the live version, he really sounds like he’s serenading and crooning you ;-; This was also the song where they popped streamers!!! I was surprised at how well they timed the pop, it blended seamlessly into the music and was just such a pleasant surprise.

Merch and goodies haul

GINTAPE (i.e. streamers) - THEY ARE SO PRETTY. This one is pretty beaten up after I tried to get into the case (oops) but I do have spares (might consider a giveaway in future… let’s see how things go.)

Chiitara snack collab - it’s a cheese snack (that I don’t really like…) but they gave out one to each person at the end of the concert! The packaging is limited edition, and the Osaka and Tokyo performances have different designs! The Osaka design I have reflects the food in Dotonbori, while the Tokyo one includes landmarks such as Tokyo tower. Imma be honest the collab is super funny, cos the company that sponsored the snack is a completely unrelated food company called Natori (HELP). 

Gacha album cover art pins - kinda sad I didn’t get Zettai Reido or Eureka, but at least I have Cult and Overdose!! Overdose appears to be especially in demand lmao (for obvious reasons), but I must admit it had the nicest design too.

Zepp tour early bird code - the little card you see includes a code to get access to the earliest round of balloting for next year’s Zepp tour!!! Still wondering if I should just try… Idek if I can take leave ;-;

Shizuoka’s tea fields

In one of Suou’s daily character question, he mentions that a place he’d like to visit is the tea fields of Shizuoka. For personal reasons, I really did make a trip down to the tea fields ^_^

I went tea picking here!!! It is very back breaking work and I have ever greater appreciation for the farmers who grow and process tea now (they are my true heroes; I don’t drink coffee www)

Also here’s the mountain with the word “tea” (茶) on it! It used to be planted with pine, but then weevils destroyed it so they switched to cypress ^^;

Super random but we got lost while looking for this, we ended up too close to the mountain so we couldn’t get good photos ^^; there was a tea shop there with a really kind owner that served us different types of tea and showed us the way to the best photo spots! 

^ this was the original spot we ended up in but you can't see the word really well ^^;

Random merch and other stuff I guess

Yeah I found the vegetable curry, it was the LAST ONE in store. Maybe this will make me start eating vegetables.

I also had a chance to try Wasanbon in some tea snack I bought from Ise Shrine:

It certainly tastes expensive 😳

Thanks for listening to my simping. Please have a nice day ^_^

[fuutaprotectionsquad]

So I've been thinking about the Milgram remix

And the first time I watched it I noticed that theres 4 times where they do this weird remix-ey noise that I can't explain in words. They do it during the pauses between lyrics.

Putting this under the cut :)

Two of the times, it sounds really similar. From 0:12 - 0:22 during Undercover, right after part of the chorus and before the actual start of the song (I'll call this one #1). And from 9:25 - 9:41, during Bring It On right after the intro/prechorus thing (which I'll call #4).

It happens again in Undercover from 0:33 - 0:42, after the "FUTURE" line (#2). And then once more from 1:33 - 1:42, during Harrow right after the intro chorus (#3). Which timestamping made me realize is exactly a minute after #2, and is the same length.

Before I start, why does this matter?

Well, artistically, it doesn't make sense to have it three times in the first 2 minutes, then only once after that. They had more opportunities to use it too. After the intro chorus in half, there's a pause they just leave as is (notably the only pause like that in the remix, aside from when it transitions). And in TIHTBILWY, the pause after her intro chorus is edited out. If anything, it'd make sense to edit out the pause during Bring It On, because it's significantly longer than the rest. But they didn't. And I think that's intentional.

So let's start with #1 and #4. Undercover and Bring It On. Es and Fuuta. They're both the same, as Fuuta says in his t2 voice drama. But more specifically, we the audience are like Fuuta, judging people from behind a screen, deciding their fates and enjoying it. "Shouldn't you look beyond your ego, before it all ends?" It was Fuuta's ego that drove him, something he couldn't look past until it was all over and his sin had been committed. I don't think I need to yap about those parallels more, so lets continue.

Next we have #3, which is clearly different from the rest. It's Kotoko's vocals, not the voice(?) we hear in the other ones. Showing how innately, she is not like Es / us. She's trying to be, as we can see very well in Deep Cover, but all she's doing is innaccurately emulating Es.

But what does her repetitive vocals sound like, then? This one may be a stretch, but listen to the transition between Fuuta and Amane from 10:52 - 11:10. That's the only other time vocals are looped. "Now let's be reasonable."

Obviously, Fuuta and Kotoko acknowledge their similarities and differences, which also tie into their parallels with Es. As for the line itself, it sounds like something Fuuta would be saying to Kotoko, in response to her "harrowing." But what does Amane have to do with it? Well, small tangent for a second but in Kotoko's part, she's repeating the chorus of her song (i think). Which obviously represents her goals. What if the repetition in vocals represents repeating your ideologies to yourself, in particular, the ones that mirror those of someone else?

And this is pure speculation but maybe, in the same way that Kotoko is doing with Es, this represents Fuuta wanting to emulate Amane. She could be his definition of reasonable, and the line he's repeating could be directed towards himself. He sees her as more put together than he is, asking why she can bare the voices and he can't. These two instances of vocals being looped aren't particularly similar, because Kotoko and Fuuta are striving to emulate different people, but they're still doing the same thing. And they're the only ones doing it, hence why its the only time it happens in the remix.

Another detail I noticed is Haruka, Yuno, Muu and Amane are the only ones whose songs start at the beginning, but then cut out a chunk of the middle after the first chorus and play the bridge next. They're also the only ones who aren't really involved in what happened with Kotoko in t2.

There could also be something said about what I mentioned earlier with half and TIHTBILWY, if we're saying that the editing in the songs symbolizes their roles in Kotoko's attack. But idk what so I'll leave it at that.

[likeadevils]

Speak Now Timeline

This is a very long post that puts all the songs on Speak Now in order of Taylor creating them. I’ve also added a few other songs she wrote while writing Speak Now and quotes from Taylor and her collaborators talking about her process.

If you don't want to read all that, check out this playlist of the album in order or this playlist of her entire discography.

Due to a surprising amount of digital decay and her life not being highly documented yet, exact dates are bit harder to come by then they are with following albums, but you can still find a few! I’ve added this color coded scale of how sure I am of the date: 

Confirmed: There is some type of official source for the date

Inferring: Nobody has officially said “This is when we wrote it,” but everything points to that date

Speculation: This date is based off pure vibes and guesswork and is highly likely to change.

Unknown: All that is known is the year (from the US Copyright Offices)

More notes: I will probably be editing it as information about vault songs and new details about old songs get come out, so it probably won’t be finished until July, so check back in with this post and/or follow me if you want updates. Most tweet dates come from crawling through the wayback machine, but if you want further sourcing, feel free me an ask/dm.

Without further ado...

Sparks Fly: Late 2006 (Inferring)

Taylor opened up for Jake Owen on October 31, 2006 In Portland, Oregon (the secret message for the song), and wrote Sparks Fly about the experience shortly after. I’ve seen a few second hand sources say she wrote it on the airplane ride back to Nashville later that same night, but I can’t find Taylor herself saying that, so it might just be an old fandom legend, or the source has been lost to digital decay, or I just haven’t looked hard enough. She first performs the song in May 29, 2007.

Haunted: 2009 (Unknown)

Taylor: "Haunted" is about the moment that you realize the person you're in love with is drifting and fading fast. And you don't know what to do, but in that period of time, in that phase of love, where it's fading out, time moves so slowly. Everything hinges on what that last text message said, and you're realizing that he's kind of falling out of love. That's a really heartbreaking and tragic thing to go through, because the whole time you're trying to tell yourself it's not happening. I went through this, and I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and writing this song about it.

February 17, 2009: Tweets "It's 3:58 am in London.. And I accidentally fell asleep at 6:30 pm, so now I'm wide awake and have no idea what to do. Write a song?"

It’s possible that this was what Taylor was referring to when she said she “ended up waking up in the middle of the night and writing [Haunted]”, but it’s also very possible that Taylor didn’t write a song on February 17, and waking up in the middle of the night and writing a song is not a rare occurrence in Taylor’s life, so one tweet doesn’t really prove anything.

March 13, 2009: Tweets "A day off in Sydney. Drove two hours out of the city and spent the day on the beach. Wrote a chorus you'll hear on the next record. :)"

Pure speculation, but I think she was working on Mr. Perfectly Fine. It was created in 2009, and in my opinion, of the possible songs it has the most notable chorus.

March 19, 2009: Posts on Myspace “I’m wiped out. I’ve been in the studio all day ( I know, I know.. We JUST put out a new album. I think I have a problem, I cannot stop writing songs.) It’s so much fun knowing that you can take your time, because you have like a year and a half to make something you’re really proud of. I love recording a few songs, waiting a few months, recording a few more.. Instead of devoting a few weeks to “record the album” and then it’s just done. I like dragging it out, that way you can be meticulous about every detail. Daydream about different ways to put the songs together, and then take them apart. I’m pretty obsessed with the whole process. So needless to say, it was good to be back in the studio with my redheaded producer who I missed terribly.”

If This Was A Movie: April 2009 (Inferring)

Taylor has literally never talked about this song, but April would be six months after and Joe Jonas broke up in late September/early October 2008.

April 24, 2009: Taylor plays in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and possibly writes a song: "I'd get my best ideas at 3:00 AM in Arkansas, and didn't have a co-writer around and I'd just finish it. And that would happen again in New York [likely Enchanted], that would happen again in Boston [likely Long Live], that would happen again in Nashville." (x)

May 23, 2009: Taylor records Half Of My Heart with John Mayer

On March 1, 2009: John Mayer tweeted: “Waking up to this song idea that won’t leave my head. 3 days straight now. That means it’s good enough to finish. It’s called Half of My Heart and I want to sing it with Taylor Swift. She would make a killer Stevie Nicks in contrast to my Tom Petty of a song.” On May 23, John Mayer tweeted "I couldn't get Taylor Swift on my record so I found the world's greatest impersonator, Laura Jacksheimer" with a picture of Taylor.

Superman: Spring 2009 (Speculation)

This could have been written any time in 2009, but due to it's general sound and the following quote, I’d guess it was written sometime in spring, when her and John Mayer first started working together. Taylor: “This was a guy that I was sort of enamored with, as usual. This song got its title by something that I just kinda said randomly in conversation. He walked out of the room, I looked over at one of my friends and said, ‘Man, It’s just like watching Superman fly away.’”

May 29, 2009: Posts on Myspace “Tomorrow, after the performance on the Today show, I’ll fly back to Nashville and record a lot of new songs I’ve written in the last few weeks. I’m really excited about that.” (She also posts "Tonight I went shopping at Top Shop in New York with the band. I got purple shoes. I’m really excited about the purple shoes, and I just needed to tell someone. I got purple shoes. Ok. That’s done." Which. If I had a nickel for everytime Taylor teased her new album by posting about shoe colors I'd have two nickels, which isnt a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.)

June 4, 2009: Posts on Facebook "In the studio. I don't know whose computer I'm using. Pssh.. Such a rebel right now.."

June 9, 2009: Tweets (about recording Thug Story) "If I said I was in the studio with T-Pain, would you believe me?"

Better Than Revenge and Let’s Go (Battle): June 2009 (Inferring)

These were probably written sometime between June 12, when the Jonas Brothers released “Much Better”, and July 1, when Taylor posted on Myspace: “What else is new.. Recording a bunch of new songs. Lots of new things to write about…..”

Last Kiss: 2009 (Unknown)

Taylor: "The song "Last Kiss" is sort of like a letter to somebody. You say all of these desperate, hopeless feelings that you have after a breakup. Going through a breakup you feel all of these different things. You feel anger, and you feel confusion, and frustration. Then there is the absolute sadness. The sadness of losing this person, losing all the memories, and the hopes you had for the future. There are times when you have this moment of truth where you just admit to yourself that you miss all these things. When I was in one of those moments I wrote this song."

July 22, 2009: Tweets "Hanging with my producer Nathan, discussing the next adventure" and then in a separate tweet "...album #3."

August 25, 2009: An interview with Nick Buda, Taylor's go-to drummer, is posted and he says: "Sitting here in Blackbird right now in the process of starting Taylor Swift's new record I guess. We've been here the last couple days and we're here today again." Throughout the interview, you can hear If This Was A Movie playing in the background. (Thank you to @taylor-on-your-dash for finding the interview!)

Never Grow Up: Fall 2009 (Speculation)

Lover Diary Nathan Chapman: "The song 'Never Grow Up' is just she singing and I on acoustic guitar. We recorded ourselves live. That song probably happened in two hours." This could’ve been written at any time in 2009, but I put it here because she bought her Nashville apartment sometime before October.

September 8, 2009: Tweeted "Last night in nash before heading out tomorrow for 4 shows, then VMA's. But right now I can't put the guitar down."

September 13, 2009: VMAs Incident

Enchanted: September 15, 2009 (Confirmed)

On September 15, Taylor attended an Owl City Concert in New York Taylor: "It was about this guy that I met in New York City, and I had talked to him on email or something before, but I had never met him. And meeting him, it was this overwhelming feeling of: I really hope that you're not in love with somebody. And the whole entire way home, I remember the glittery New York City buildings passing by, and then just sitting there thinking, am I ever going to talk to this person again? And that pining away for a romance that may never even happen, but all you have is this hope that it could, and the fear that it never will. I started writing that in the hotel room when I got back. Because it just was this positive, wistful feeling of: I hope you understand just how much I loved meeting you. I hope that you know that meeting you was not something that I took lightly, or just in passing. And I think my favorite part of that song is the part where, in the bridge, it goes to sort of a stream of consciousness of ‘Please don't be in love with someone else/Please don't have somebody waiting on you.' Because at that moment, that's exactly what my thoughts were. And it feels good to write exactly what your thoughts were in a certain moment.”

September 26, 2009: Taylor plays in Little Rock, Arkansas, and possibly writes a song: "I'd get my best ideas at 3:00 AM in Arkansas, and didn't have a co-writer around and I'd just finish it. And that would happen again in New York [Enchanted & Back To December], that would happen again in Boston [Long Live], that would happen again in Nashville." (x)

October 17, 2009: Tweets "Travis: you look so out of it. Me: I'm writing a song in my head. Travis: oh, I apologize. I didn't realize you were working."

November 19, 2009: Bob Lefsitz (the guy from Mean) publishes his impromptu interview with Taylor:

Taylor laughed.  Said she could handle being criticized for having a bad voice, for missing notes. But she couldn’t live with being criticized for being inauthentic. Those songs are written in real time. About real people. Her cowriters edit more than contribute. Her next album she’s not planning to write with anyone. Not now, anyway.

November 30, 2009: Tweets "If I had a dime for every time my producer and I blurt out the same thing at the same time, followed by an awkward, uncoordinated high five..."

Ours: December 6, 2009 (Inferring)

Myspace Post on December 6: “I just got back to Nashville this morning after being in LA all week. Today I was out and about and in the studio all day” Taylor: "I wrote this when I was about to turn 20. I was in a relationship I knew people wouldn't approve of, and it was just a matter of time before everyone found out. When you're first getting to know someone, it's a fragile time, and then you add newspapers and magazine covers and it can get kind of rough. I wanted to have this song to play for him when it got difficult. Singing it for him was one of the sweetest moments I can remember."

December 22, 2009: Tweets "I was writing a song and my pen fell into the piano. Still trying to figure out if I should do anything about this."

January 2010: Starts polishing up the demos made in 2009 into fully produced tracks

Billboard: "Swift and Chapman had begun recording new songs almost as soon as "Fearless" was released. The two cut demos in his basement studio and would only take those songs to larger facilities once they felt they had an emotional foundation in the basic tracks. Still, it wasn’t until early 2010 when the album truly began to coalesce." Nathan Chapman: "We stripped it down and made the demos first. Taylor came to my studio and I played all the instruments on the demos, and because I have a good vocal booth, her demo vocals ended up being the vocals you hear on the record. After finishing the demos, we went out to different studios, and tried different combinations of engineers and musicians to replace some of the elements of my demos, mostly the programmed drums, and to do additional overdubs. [...] A pop artist would probably release what we'd done after five hours, but country artists don't want to hear programmed drums, they don't want to hear fake stuff. So once we had recorded the demos, we would book whatever studio we wanted for each song, to replace the drums, in many cases the bass, and to add whatever overdubs we envisioned, like fiddle, keyboards, percussion and strings. After we got the demos right, we opened it up and allowed ourselves to spend money and cut a big record." Taylor tweets on January 11: "Studio-ness with all the same boys who played on Fearless" and on January 13: "More recording. So excited. So excited. So excited. See, I said that three times. Once for every album we've made in this studio."

January 13, 2010: Posts on Myspace “Thank you January. I have had this month off. I have walked on snow-covered grass and discovered new coffee shops and laughed hysterically with friends about things that probably weren’t technically funny. I’ve written songs on napkins and sat at a giant table with my whole family on my mother’s birthday, all of us in one place for the first time in too long. I’ve gotten to take what has happened to me and process it to my full capability, and celebrate it the way it deserved to be celebrated. I’ve made new music. I’ve gone over the memories and jumped up and down with my producer and floated around with nothing on my schedule other than just appreciating what my life has somehow turned into. [...] Getting back in the studio with the same guys I trust and know and love.. (right, the pointing one: my producer Nathan Chapman) (Left, the waving one: Bass extraorinaire, Tim Marks. Clearly marked on his road case.) [...] Nick Buddha is in charge of the drums.”

February 13, 2010: Writes in her diary "I’ve been obsessing over the new album. I always do that until it’s just right. I don’t know if I have the formula just right for this one yet. I know there are great songs. I just need to figure out the strands that bond them together into a great album. And I will obsess until it’s there. This album, any album, is the next 2 years of my life. It has to be more than amazing. It has to be great enough to keep my attention for 2 years."

February 22, 2010: Posts on Myspace "I’ve been writing lots of songs"

Mine: March 10-12 2010 (Inferring)

Taylor (above interview, at 5:17): "I wrote Mine somewhere on the road, I think in Texas, actually." Nathan Chapman: "The demo for 'Mine' apparently took less than five hours to record, and sounded, according to Chapman, "almost identical to the record. After that we worked on the track for another four months, off and on, and spent $30,000 to make sure it sounded perfect in the real world."" Taylor: "This song is the first single because it has this…there was this moment between Nathan and I, my producer, when I brought this song in and when we made this demo in one day in his basement and we just kinda looked at each other and we were like, "This is it. This is the one. All of the times that I've had "The Moment" with songs of "This is the one," it's been a good call, so I'm hoping for the best on this one. Wish me luck." Scott Borchetta: "Mine" was a turning point in the album’s development. Swift and Chapman had begun recording new songs almost as soon as "Fearless" was released. The two cut demos in his basement studio and would only take those songs to larger facilities once they felt they had an emotional foundation in the basic tracks. Still, it wasn’t until early 2010 when the album truly began to coalesce. Swift presented "Mine" to Borchetta in his office [...] "We probably played that song four or five times," Borchetta recalls. "I’m jumping around playing air guitar, she’s singing the song back to me, and it was just one of those crazy, fun, Taylor teen-age moments."

March 13, 2010: Taylor records Mine, brings it to Scott Borchetta, and says she’s done with TS3

Scott Borchetta: "I said, ‘Keep going,’ [...] She kind of looked at me like, ‘You’re challenging me.’ And I said, ‘Yeah. You’ve found true north here. Keep going.’ " Taylor: “During Speak Now, when I went to (label head) Scott Borchetta and said, 'The album’s finished,’ he said, 'No, it’s not – you need to keep writing.’” (Right after playing in Texas, Taylor leaves for a vacation in the Bahamas, meaning Taylor likely had about a day in Nashville between the two trips).

Innocent: Late March 2010 (Inferring)

Billboard: “It was some time in the period after that challenge — between February and June — that Swift wrote “Innocent,” her response to the Kanye West incident.​​” Taylor: “Some songs take 30 minutes to write, and some take six months, which was the case with “Innocent.” When things affect me intensely and really hit me hard, it can take a while to figure out what I think about it and what to say about it.” (March would be just over 6 months since the VMAs).

March 24, 2010: Taylor goes lunch with Taylor Lautner and both of their publicists, inspiring Back To December.

Taylor: Swift says she based the song on a conversation she had with the guy about whom she's singing. "It's not loosely based," she says. "It's almost word-for-word. It is a song and a conversation that needed to happen, because I don't want to hurt people. If you unintentionally do so, you've got to make that better."

Speak Now: Early April, 2010 (Inferring)

On April 3, Taylor attended the wedding of Josh Farro as Hayley Williams (who is Josh's ex) plus one. That day she also tweeted: ""Nathan you smell really good! Is that a new cologne?" "Thanks! Actually it's a two in one shampoo and soap. From Dial." My producer rules." implying she was in the studio. The conversation below could have happened any day after the VMA awards in September, when Hayley first reached out to Taylor, but I think Taylor probably wrote the song fairly close to naming the album after it. Taylor: "This song was inspired by one of my friends who was telling me about her childhood sweetheart, crush guy. They were kind of together in high school and went their separate ways, and it was kind of understood that they were gonna get back together. Then, she one day comes in and tells me he's getting married. He had met this girl who was just this mean person who made him completely stop talking to all of his friends, cut off his family, had him like so completely isolated. And I just, kind of randomly, was like, "So, you gonna speak now?" She was like, "What do you mean?" And I was like "Oh, you know, like storm the church, speak now or forever hold your peace? I'll go with you. I'll play guitar. It would be great." She was just kind of laughing, and later on I just was wrapping my mind around that idea of how tragic it would be if someone you loved was marrying somebody else. Later I had a dream about one of my ex-boyfriends getting married, and it just all came together that I needed to write this song about interrupting a wedding. For me, I like to think of it as good versus evil, and this girl is so completely painted as the evil one. So this is "Speak Now.""

April 13, 2010: Names TS3 Speak Now

Lover Diaries: "So I’ve been obsessing over the new record to the point where it’s all I can focus on. I’m majorly stressed and borderline losing it, with all these lists and chronic dissatisfaction. Perfectionist-ness. I keep growing tired of songs because I know I’ve raised the bar and I can beat half the songs. Scott and I had lunch the other day. We were talking about the record and I had this epiphany. I didn’t talk in interviews about how I felt about much of what has happened in the last 2 years. I’ve been silent about so much that I’m saying on this album. It’s time to Speak Now. Scott freaked out. He loved it. We have a title, ladies and gentlemen!" Scott Borchetta: ""At one point, the record was not called ‘Speak Now.’ It was called ‘Enchanted,’ [...] We were at lunch, and she had played me a bunch of the new songs. I looked at her and I’m like, ‘Taylor, this record isn’t about fairy tales and high school anymore. That’s not where you’re at. I don’t think the record should be called "Enchanted."’” Swift excused herself from the table at that point. By the time she came back, she had the "Speak Now" title"

Dear John: Spring 2010 (Speculation)

This was likely written sometime after February 2010 (Taylor implies she's single in her vlog and her diary). Beyond that, it could have been anytime between February and June 2010.

Brief Interruption: The next two songs (Back to December and Mean) are going to use quotes from this interview that @1989worldtour found. If you've already listened to the interview attached to the Mine section, then it's the same interview

Back To December: Early May, 2010 (Inferring)

Taylor (above interview, at 5:12): "Back to December was written in New York City. Taylor was in New York city from May 3-5, and May 12-15 2010. she was not photographed in New York any other time in early 2010, and given her busy touring schedule, I doubt she was in New York at another time. USA TODAY: “Swift says she based the song on a conversation she had with the guy about whom she's singing. "It's not loosely based," she says. "It's almost word-for-word. It is a song and a conversation that needed to happen, because I don't want to hurt people. If you unintentionally do so, you've got to make that better."”

Mean: May 29, 2010 (Speculation)

Taylor (above interview, about 6 minutes in): "I started this song called Mean on my, like sitting on my kitchen counter, just playing it, and then, you know, took a plane and flew to the venue where we were gonna play that night and finished it in the dressing room." Now, this may be a too literal interpretation of "took a plane and flew to the venue where we were gonna play that night," but if we want to theorize: the only tour date (that Taylor could've conceivably written Mean during) without another show right before or after it was in Baton Rogue on May 29, 2010.

Long Live: June 2010 (Confirmed)

Lover Diary She likely wrote this around June 5, when she ended the Fearless Tour at Gillette Stadium (Wikipedia counts two festivals as being part of the Fearless Tour but Taylor doesn't, so I'm going with her opinion), since she said that she wrote a song for Speak Now in Boston (which is the closest major city to Gillette)

The Story Of Us: June 9-16, 2010 (Confirmed)

Taylor attended the CMT Awards (Which goes on to be the secret message for The Story Of Us) on June 9 and was sat very close to John Mayer. Taylor: "The people closest to me are used to me deserting a conversation and bolting into some corner of the room with my phone out, hunched over, singing some melody or lyric or hook into my phone. I wrote “The Story of Us” about running into an ex at an awards show, and I came home and sat down at a kitchen table and told my mom, “I felt like I was standing alone in a crowded room.” She tried to console me, but I was gone at that point." Lover Diary: "So I’ve been a little studio rat since the tour ended [...] Ever since, I wake up to my cell phone alarm around 9:30 each morning. Throw on a sundress, skip make up, tie my hair in a messy side braid, and head out the door with no shoes on. Because the only walking outside I’ll be doing is from my house to my car, then from my car, three steps to Nathan’s basement studio. [...] I worked on a song for a few days, then basically finished it in the car on the way to Nathan’s this morning. It. Is. So. Good. And I can safely say I am DONE writing this record!! This song is up-tempo, and hooky and sort of torn-sounding … like this horrible stressed confusion that comes on when you knew the person you’re pining away for is in the room. And for some reason, there are these invisible walls keeping things from being ok. So you’re not fine. And they’re not fine. And I’m so happy I wrote that song!! Footage of Taylor working on TSOU

June 30, 2010: Taylor tweets “@amosjheller is SLAYING a bass part in the studio right now. http://twitpic.com/21am7t” 

Footage Nathan Chapman: “We tried several bassists until we had a bass part that worked, which was played by Amos Heller, of Taylor's live band. In Nashville, it's rare for a road musician to be on the record, but he earned his way into this record by kicking ass. In fact, all Taylor's road musicians played some parts on the album, which was important for me and her.”

July 15, 2010: The orchestra for Back To December and Haunted are recorded (footage here, same outfit as these candids)

Taylor (talking about Haunted): “I wanted the music and the orchestration to reflect the intensity of the emotion the song is about, so we recorded strings with Paul Buckmaster at Capitol Studios in Los Angeles. It was an amazing experience - recording this entire big, live string section that I think in the end really captured the intense, chaotic feeling of confusion I was looking for."

And that's all for this timeline! Check out my others:

TIMELINES: debut • fearless • speak now • red • 1989 • rep • lover • folklore • evermore • midnights PLAYLISTS: debut • fearless • speak now • red • 1989 • rep • lover • folklore • evermore • midnights • entire discography GENERAL: tag

[yuzurujenn]

[2024.12.02] ESSE January 2025 Edition

New Year Special Interview Yuzuru Hanyu

The person who graces the cover of the New Year issue is figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu, who continues to challenge himself with new expressions even after turning professional. He shares a message to welcome a fulfilling year ahead.

“Entering his third year as a professional, he has become able to rely on those around him.”

Yuzuru Hanyu, heading towards the crimson-themed photo shoot set, picked up his smartphone and chose the background music for the shoot: the songs "Ryakudatsu" and "Last Ambient" by his close friend, Taisei Miyagawa, with whom he had previously collaborated in an ice show. The staff cheered as he moved his body gracefully, just as if he were performing in a real show.

Since starting his career as a professional in 2022, Hanyu has continued to take on unprecedented challenges, including becoming the first-ever skater to hold a solo show at Tokyo Dome and successfully completing a national tour. Now entering his third year as a professional, he shared, "I've become able to rely on the people around me."

"During my competitive days, there was pressure to carry the expectations of everyone and deliver results. But after getting involved in directing and planning shows as a professional, I’ve been able to expand my world by leveraging the expertise of professionals in various fields. I guess that’s a sign I’ve grown up (laughs). Because I’ve learned to cherish the people around me, I feel like I’m also able to take better care of myself."

"I believe that an athlete is someone who pushes themselves to their limits."

His current challenge is how to create the world of his national tour "Echoes of Life," which will take place from the end of this year into next year.

"I’m nervous about how the upcoming show will be received, but right now, I just want to get better at skating (laughs). Depending on the program, the way I use my stamina changes, so I need to figure out how to manage it this time, and I also need to create the choreography... Right now, I’m in the most intense, tight situation."

The ice shows Hanyu has been involved with since turning professional have all been physically and technically demanding.

"The structure is such that after the show, I’m often so exhausted I can’t stand, so it's hard every time. Actually, I saw something on SNS today that said: 'Even if you can run 10 meters per second, you shouldn’t think you can run a full marathon at the same speed.' I thought that’s true... but I’m the type who tries to run a full marathon at 9.5 meters per second (laughs). But I believe that pushing yourself to the limit is what makes an athlete, and if you compromise, it can't be called art."

 "It's important to acknowledge your own hard work."

Yuzuru Hanyu, who is pursuing his potential even more stoically than during his competitive years, has put in an unimaginable amount of effort behind the scenes.

"But I don't think it's just me; everyone is doing their best in their own places. I have dreams to pursue and a stage to perform on in front of people, so I'm giving it my all, using up all my lung capacity... But even if someone's way of using energy is more subtle or long-lasting, I believe that’s their own form of giving their all. We live in a world where it’s hard to understand the meaning of our existence right now. That’s why, rather than comparing themselves to others, I want everyone to recognize the efforts they've put in and acknowledge their own hard work."

In his 25 years of skating, Hanyu has sometimes felt discouraged, but he has always managed to pick himself up and move forward. One of the keys to maintaining a positive mindset is "falling into despair to the fullest."

"I believe that if you don't half-heartedly suppress your feelings and just let yourself hit rock bottom, a chance to find hope will eventually come. That could be a phrase from a podcast you happened to hear or lyrics from a song playing on the street. I’d be happy if it came from my performance too. But that kind of opportunity doesn’t come just by waiting for it. No matter how down I feel, I make sure not to stop reaching out so I can grab the chance when it comes."

“Nabe and ozoni with ponzu sauce are wintertime delights.”

The performance of "Echoes of Life" is coming up early in 2025, but will there be time to enjoy New Year's food?

"I love ozoni. Ours is soy sauce-based, with chicken, seri (Japanese parsley), and shredded daikon radish and carrots called 'ohikina,' topped with ikura (salmon roe). In the winter, we often eat nabe (hot pot) as well. I'm not good at eating a lot of raw vegetables, so nabe is perfect because I can get plenty of cooked vegetables. It's also easy to make. I like to eat it with a refreshing ponzu sauce."

The first day of the tour, December 7, is also Hanyu’s 30th birthday. When he was a teenager, he thought, "People in their 30s are old," but does he have any habits that help him stay youthful, contrary to those words?

"Keep seeking freshness in both hobbies and work. This is something I've been conscious of since my competitive days, as there is data showing that people are more likely to focus better on new things. For example, in beauty, instead of applying lotion out of habit, I believe that if you learn new knowledge about the right temperature or method of application, it can motivate you. I think accumulating such experiences helps you stay youthful."

Hanyu is constantly evolving. We can't wait to see what new frontiers he will show in 2025.

Source: ESSE January 2025 Special Edition, pg 71-73 https://esse-online.jp/articles/-/30880 Info: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B0DG5GJCC7