#maybe the problems is not our emotions but that we're being almost too fact based when we need to like

[rabbitindisguise]

it's my post and I can make it as long as I want to :3 (it's really long)

hm this might be a weird thought but I wonder how much misinformation has contributed to positive things in society?

a lot of human rights activism is a game of telephone where someone will say something like "I would like to use the restroom" and then someone else is like "my god someone can't even pee in peace why do we even have gender signs" and then it's all "gender signs should be removed!" which is 1) not what they said and 2) very much a part of mob mentality type of deals where everyone is so upset and repeating the worst most ridiculous parts they ping pong around until bigger, more concrete and radicalizingly basic ideas are established

in academia this is often seen as a negative. Like, "no good progress will ever be made until people can communicate perfectly an telepathically and it's only a major con," and not "perhaps an important feature in the ability to mediate social conflict because it's existed long past our attempts to remove it"

but yeah your cause getting picked up by well meaning middle aged white women has, historically, been a wonderful thing in general. Abolitionists, gay rights, suffragettes, etc are all movements that have had significant support in this area. And almost universally, these women tend to badly misunderstand some things and yet those misunderstandings, while they might incite rage in oppressive groups, also tend to rally lots of support by being emotionally gut wrenching.

I think the important part of misinformation is not that it's wrong but what the purpose of the falsehoods are. It IS true that we use gender signs on bathrooms, so while that's not the most pressing concern, why is it such an effective way to stoke resentment towards the kind of person who defends actively attacking trans people? If boiling something down to surface level arguments that barely scratch the surface is not doing due diligence, why does it so often pan out correctly more often on the side of the oppressed than the oppressor?

Words are wonderful and important tools but tbh I wonder if trying to logic our way out of human emotions is not just a fool's errand but actively harmful. One thing important about trauma processing is not just learning to properly identify emotions to wrestle with them, but to learn TO feel. At all. Since PTSD causes irritability, panic, anxiety, restlessness, etc because of repressed emotions, disassociation, and avoidance, I think it's a sign that emotions serve an important and even arguably necessary evolutionary purpose to intelligent thought and sensible action.

We get tired when we need a break, we get happy when good things happen (typically). These cues are important bodymind communication tools and intertwined with lots of chemical reactions and complex psychological responses that control everything from perspiration to metabolic rates to oxygen saturation. When someone says "they're being mean!" and we get angry, that's regarded as purely interpersonal emotion but I think perhaps there is something deeper going on wrt to the social aspects of humans as a species. We talk about hiveminds (literally: bee hives), chemical signals, ultraviolet lights, etc as exotic compared to "rudimentary" human speech. But I think perhaps like gut microbes communicate with human bodies, humans in social groups communicate with the larger social groups. And things like democracy, anarchy, communism, capitalism, etc all fundamentally fail to answer how DO we actually make decisions anyways? Stripped down to the bare essentials, we appoint moderators/diplomats/instructors/skilled professionals into roles to handle disputes or take care of particular tasks.

But like . . . that's weird right? We don't really learn what it means to evaluate someone for something like that. "How do you know that Sam is good at teaching math?" There's nitty gritty How Many Kids Pass or Who Learns What but ultimately we sort of know what we're looking for and often laws and regulations aim to fix things . . . and make them worse sometimes in some aspects. But in addition to that, there's pressures for people to fill roles that they are not suited to fill because there is a huge amount of economic draw so they need to successfully remove people from the group that are interfering by not being good at it, causing risking making it worse to be worth it. So in a sense there's a pressure to self police at a global scale what's difficult to police even in a 1 to 1 interaction. And it's weird that it actually works at all. It means on a 1 to 1 level we have a shakey but effective system to determine who does what and what's in or out of line socially that is being replicated on a global level, with global level errors.

Take like . . . food labels, unions, and banks. People died and got sick when things were improperly labeled "not full of sawdust." When people found out about it there was outcry and regulations happened. Simply knowing was all that it took to get angry and the anger was effective at creating action. With unions on the other hand, disputes are mediated so that it doesn't turn into a shouting match and stuff can get done by sharing the facts, and just by mutual agreement unions will represent workers and not double cross them by lying a bunch. What? Trust, honor, and integrity are the only things standing in line of that, people say stuff like "if this union doesn't stand by their workers they're not a union" and that's like a fallacy or whatever but it's also decreeing what can be true and acceptable through regulating through social force of will. Laws like these are effective from punishments, sure, but what makes punishments effective is the social will to make it so- and shocking someone from touching a button doesn't really have a lot of social impact, even if you tell them it's the button that shocks them. Similarly, banks are methods to hold a currency's value on mutual agreement of value that's agreed upon by an entire country. Gold is typically used as a metric of value behind the dollar, but why did everyone agree gold was valuable?!?!? There has to be some utilitarian purpose- part of it is that it's rare to find, and effective for some status symbols like jewelry worn by people who can afford to pay for people to do luxury labor for them, as well as the value as a metal that is fairly hypoallergenic and can be used for protecting teeth to all sorts of other functional uses. But there's lots of other things that are similarly valuable that aren't globally seen as important (water for example). It doesn't make sense until I reconsider it in the context of humans being a living organism with social instincts, and gold being a tool and not something essential to survival.

On some level, problematic discourse could be considered in the same vein as an algae bloom or a rock slide or a migratory pattern change.

I think ultimately the answer to why misinformation works effectively to hear out oppressed people is that the facts of the matter are irrelevant to the intention of the interaction. The issue of the matter is Not if trans people can use the restroom, it's to draw the gaze of the entire country on the problems faced by an iiiiitty bitty tiny fraction of the population. Using the most inflammatory language possible, even if it's egregiously wrong, increases the attention- it's why trolls are such a big problem. It would also explain outcry, social change, reactionary behavior, and post reactionary behavior cycles. The outcry is the problem, the social change solves some and creates new ones, the reactionary behavior focuses on the problems, and after the reactionary behavior there's a bunch of chaos until Everyone Has Been Briefed on The Issues. Understanding this through the lens of a social group makes sense- individual birds will nest closer to a sunny spot, and others will follow to maintain the protection of being in a group. Cats will share nursing duties between themselves and raise kittens together. Strip away the complaining and infighting that happens, you can see regulations shifting towards informed consent HRT over time, then backswinging to it being outlawed, to a national conversation and protections from people fleeing the punitive laws. I don't think that California and Massachusetts would have such firm stances if they had not hear the (flawed) reasoning of republicans, or the pleas from trans people, or the very angry middle aged white women campaigning for trans rights with things that don't really make a whole lot of sense but are surprisingly effective. There's a huge push and pull across entire countries that looks like a nice flock of birds in the distance or a swarm of bees shifting course or a bunch of fish dodging a shark, if we didn't have to listen to insults and angry back and forth about it. We stare and wonder at ants making anthills and don't stop to think that it's incredible that we have people build houses that we can live in.

All this to say, I'm really curious about the bird discourse that may or may not be happening in light of this realization. Are there ant taxes? Are there ant fines for ant littering?

[ilikekidsshows]

Do you think we're headed for a reverse love square? I'm curiuos coz while I can kinda see it happening, it doesn't aline with what I thought they were going for with the whole moving on stuff in the S3 finale? I thought they were supposed to grow past their own issues separately before they could come together for real. Or maybe it's like "you first need to learn to love both sides before you can appriciate the whole"? Any thoughts?

Outside of thinking there’s more storytelling potential in other avenues, my issue with the idea of a Reverse Love Square is that I don't personally believe that Adrien and Marinette aren't already in love with the other sides of the mask. Never mind how reversing the Love Square doesn't solve the issue of loving only one side, it reverses it, since the idea is that they'd move on from the first halves they loved to do so. Never mind that both Adrien and Marinette believe something about these potential suitors that would make it impossible to progress with the Love Square by reversing it.

1) Adrien has been personally told by Marinette repeatedly that she kinda likes him as a friend but would in no way be be interested in him romantically. He also voices a belief in 'Stormy Weather 2' that Marinette is with Luka or very much interested in him. Adrien would never pursue a girl who's actually dating someone else.

2) Marinette believes her and Cat Noir getting together would destroy the world, because Cat Blanc told her that.

It is true that Adrien and Marinette are too focused on Ladybug and Adrien respectively to consider anyone else properly. This is why the idea of "self love" is the only way for the Love Square to actually progress: Adrien and Marinette need to stop thinking about everything they feel in terms of the people they’re in love with.

Adrien is too blinded by his love for Ladybug to realize he's in love with Marinette too. And he is blinded, since the fact that he does love Marinette is clear as day to Kagami, who's been convinced since day one that Marinette is her main love rival. And, as we've seen with her succinct summation of Marinette's issue of "hesitating", Kagami sees things the other characters don't. The reason Adrien needs to move on from thinking he must love Ladybug just because he loved her first is that it blinds him to other options and limits him.

My brother and I made jokes during the liveblog about how Adrien never gives up on anyone because every other relationship he has goes back on the one he has with his father. "I can't give up on X, otherwise I'll have to give up on my father." However, considering how much Adrien's relationship with his father gets projected onto his other relationships, Adrien really does need to learn to let go of his father because he's gone beyond Adrien's reach a long time ago. However, accepting this fact would be very hard for someone who doesn't know how to let go.

Adrien's mother is dead, for all he knows, so he can let her go enough to accept Nathalie. However, letting go of Ladybug is harder because she's still there. But letting go of his pursuit of her doesn't mean losing her, since they'd still have their friendship and partnership. This relationship isn't like the one he has with his father, where accepting that Gabriel can't be reached anymore means a lack of relationship because then the burden of expressing affection would be on Gabriel, who even Adrien isn't hopeful to be able to carry that burden. The threat of getting only apathy from the people he loves if he stops hounding them for gestures of affection is a real thing that can happen to Adrien, so letting go of Ladybug means overcoming the fear that it would happen in every relationship he has.

The reasons Adrien can't move on from Ladybug with Marinette specifically have a lot to do with the reasons he has for not even considering her a romantic option that I covered earlier. However, from a storytelling perspective, Adrien getting with Marinette, while trying to get over Ladybug and trying to grow past thinking he has to be with her, could be very damaging to his growth. Once he found out Marinette was Ladybug all along, he'd go right back to thinking they were soulmates and meant to be and that he has to be with Ladybug instead of him thinking of the relationship as him being with the girl he wants to be with.

Marinette, on the other hand, needs to move on from Adrien for different reasons. Marinette's problem is a refusal to self-reflect. Marinette needs to learn to consider her own wants and needs and then make a decision based on those. This is why the idea of liking two (or more) boys at once has her stuck in such a rut; making a decision and reflecting on what that decision should be is a great challenge to her. I used to wonder what the hold up was with the Luka-Adrien conundrum, but with the theme of self love hinted on at the end of season three, it makes sense. Marinette needs to learn to love herself so that she can give herself what she wants. Marinette needs to be confident that she's a nice person who deserves nice things.

We only give ourselves what we deserve. If we don't think we deserve something we tend to self-sabotage our attempts at getting it. Marinette sabotages herself in various ways in the show when it comes to her pursuit of Adrien. She flubs her words to the degree she tells Adrien things like "You're not exactly a good friend", and her plans to win him over are so complicated Adrien could never decipher the romantic intention behind them. When you pair this with the way many characters, Marinette included, repeat how "perfect" Adrien is, it's not difficult to consider that Marinette might think she doesn’t deserve Adrien. This is why, in 'Félix', Marinette is actually afraid of every possibility for Adrien's answer to her confession "What if he tells me that he loves me? Or that he doesn't love me? Or that he likes me but not in that way?" Marinette is scared of succeeding, even if not as scared as she is of failing.

Tim Kreider once wrote: "If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known," and Marinette seems scared of being known. She's so in love with Adrien, but she started the series incredibly scared of anyone finding out. The fear of being mocked is common in people with strong feelings about anything, and Marinette is also a former bully victim, who used to get mocked by Chloé often. However, by the time Chloé does find out about Marinette's feelings in 'Animaestro', Marinette is no longer as worried about her reaction as she is about Adrien's. And this makes sense, Marinette almost burst into tears in season one when she thought Alya had told Nino about her feelings for Adrien in ‘Animan’ but, by ‘Gigantitan’, she was ready to bring in Alix, Myléne, Rose and Juleka into the secret and she's been getting even more relaxed about letting people know.

Despite all this progress, however, Marinette still fears Adrien's reaction. She's incredibly invested in Adrien's opinion of her and that translates into a fear him and her emotions when she's around him. Marinette is basically afraid of love itself. This is why moving on to a more casual relationship with Luka, where she isn't as invested so that she can relax around Luka, would help Marinette get used to the idea of being in a relationship, of caring for someone and being cared for in such a way. She couldn't do that with Cat Noir, considering how strong their emotional bond is. Of course, the downside of this is that Luka would still keep mainly being a vehicle for Marinette’s character development, which I’m not too keen on.

[blueboltkatana]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

GUrll ur so sexy... Like you're Hot. I don't care if you were bullied in school, you're sexy, they lied.

Also bitch I KNEW i related to you too much our ascendants are both in leo we're so hot.

Ok ok no now I'll stop complimenting and start with the roasting here we go:

So the sun is your sense of "self" it represents you on the more base level i guess you could say, like what most people think you're like is represented by your sun. With Sagittarius being your sun it means you're very energetic Especially for those things you are passionate about, you might have gone through a LOT of hobbies, only a few of them stuck around but you like to try things. You're curious about the way people's minds works, you wanna figure them out. If the conversations you have don't involve some form of psychoanalysis or philosophy you might loose interest. You are a Talker, maybe you talk very fast or you are often told to lower your voice but you don't do it on purpose you're just very very animated. You are kina volatile, in the sense that you value freedom in everything, love, work, hobbies. You have a huge rebellious streak and you kinda like testing your luck. Think adrenaline junkie. It's cliché but with this much Sagittarius in your chart you prob love traveling, like i said you will chase freedom because you associate it with happiness. If you find people that make you feel free then you feel happy. Rules don't go well with you. You don't really like being involved with fights per se but you LOVE debating, if you can beat a motherfucker with nothing but facts and logic you will and you will enjoy it.

Your way of flirting or making friends is "lowkey bullying" or my favourite "verbally throwing hands". If they shoot back you get heart eyes (my mars in sag agrees). You can be tactless as fuck tho. Like you will say some outrageous shit that MIGHT be funny if the timing is right or MIGHT make everyone in a 5 mile radius mad.

I NEED to talk about your moon in sag bc Babe, babe the moon tells us about our emotions and how we deal with them, how we express them and how they shape us. But BABE. Sagittarius moons are so bad at comforting people it's embarrassing, trying to make them think of smth else or do smth else to distract from the situation is NOT a good way to deal with your emotions... Avoiding your emotions like the plague is not gonna invent a vaccine... Saying "everything is fine :)" DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING FINE PLEASE GO TO THERAPY. ok to give you some credit, you don't let shit bring you down, no matter what you always get up and that is a *strength* that i admire, but love you're burning the candle at both ends, especially if you get yourself in More problems by trying to distract yourself from One problem.

Also you've had a horsegirl phase or a dog obsession phase or both huh. AND your love language is sarcasm but the type that you will make someone laugh when you're insulting them. You're also hilarious irl you're prob the "funny friend" but with that scorpio mars and venus baby inside ur sad and dark as fuck ripp.

I also wanted to talk about your mercury in sag... Babe... Do you know what a brain to mouth filter IS?! do you recognize that word?!?! Cuz you have never used yours i think. Like you are hilarious but that's because you have dolphins in the head cavity baby. Not trying to say you're stupid, you're actually very smart and opinionated, probably have been told that you'd be a great lawyer or smth. But miss gurl please think before you speak for the love of god ur gonna make someone cry. Also ur mouth is foul. Have you ever spoken a sentence without a "fuck" or a "cunt" somewhere in there?! God bless.

Now for your scorpio Venus I'm just gonna say, more confirmation that ur Sexy as Fuck, scorpio venuses are just sexy, amazing partners, VERY passionate, whoever dates you will never forget you, for better or for worse you'll forever be on the back of their mind. You had a harsh emo phase huh, maybe loved some obscure shit like witchcraft or just love dressing all black like someone's mother died, i bet you wear silver jewelry a lot, maybe necklaces or rings or chockers. If this isn't how you dress now it was prob a major phase in your life. Or maybe you just love horror movies idk

Being as passionate as you are you don't take well to being mistreated or lied to, you might like to plot revenge and things like those, you wouldn't do anything... You actually prefer letting things go but you WILL make an elaborate scenario in your head at 3am or even as you stare right in the persons face.

With mars in scorpio you might be kinda passive aggressive, maybe you act like things don't really bother you but you throw a comment or two once in a while just to stir the pot bc you can't move on lmfao.

You are attracted to people that are introverts or generally just mysterious, like i said above the nature of the Sagittarius is to Learn and to Study. People that you can't immediately figure out intrigue you. All your crushes are either on geminis or water signs lmfao.

The best careers for you are the ones that allow you some freedom of either movement or expression and something that can keep your mind from flying away, something that keeps you intrigued, like research or writing. You're a very "all or nothing" person and it can sometimes scare people away, i advise you to work on compromising, being less stubborn and more open with your emotions and desires.

(part one bc I'm taking too long and I don't wanna keep you waiting so much) I'll reblog this with part 2

Alright here we go part 2 of Roasting hella until she finds out I'm hiding in her walls.

I will skip over some planets that are Very slow moving and usually don't talk about you as an individual but refer to your generation as a whole.

I wanna focus on lilith for a sec bc worstie lilith talks about our fears, our more "darker" side that we hide from ourselves as well as the people that we love. Lilith in aries in the eleventh house tells me you might be afraid to take charge, you gravitate towards positions of leadership but you let go on the last second, almost afraid to have too much control, very often self sabotaging your own success. Your anger and you own ambition might scare you, you might be afraid of appearing too aggressive bc under your skin you have a deep rooted anger and rebellion that you wish to relieve but you can't find a good enough outlet, some things soothe it but you always feel like it never leaves. It might be related to some form of resentment that you never truly dealt with and now it sits uncomfortably with you and you just can't get over it and it bothers you. You might have been shy in groups as a child, maybe you talked a lot but it was always from a fear of the silence not always because you had something to say. The eleventh house is that of groups and friends and social awareness, technology and your hopes and wishes for the future, having lilith in this house talks about someone who had a hard time feeling comfortable around people OR someone who wasn't very accepted. You might have desperately wished for friends but have found it hard to find any. Or if you did, you deep down felt very alone. I would advise to learn to accept your anger and deal with it in healthy ways instead of brushing it off and repressing it.

The north node talks about what you need to focus more in your life for example in your case with Gemini in your North node you need to focus more on your communication letting go of anxiety and your relation with other people you need to become more interested in intellectual pursuit and growth. You need to let go off the need to always be right and look more at details instead of focusing on on the bigger picture all of the time. When your North node is is in Gemini then your South node is in Sagittarius which tells me that what you should focus less on is your pursuit of freedom and your rebellion. Be more aware of your words and use them with maturity.

Now let's have some fun with the ascendent in leo which we share and now i see why ur so relatable. The first house or the ascendant is that very superficial layer of our personality, it includes the way we carry ourselves, our style, the little habits or quirks we have. One thing about leo ascendants is that we have an obsession with our hair. Hair is important to us, some have huge hair that might remind you of a lions mane, others just have very unique style or color but we ALL are lowkey or highkey obsessed with it, either constantly touching it, pulling it, chewing on it, cutting it or dying it in unique ways you name it. You might have a rather large nose or cat like eyes.

This ascendent is full of life and light, very funny, light hearted and luxurious, you want to live that good life and i don't blame you. A negative aspect is that we come of as intimidating to others. ALL of my friends AND my ex have at some point told me I was intimidating to them. It makes us prone to overcompensating for it later in life so maybe now you're super outgoing and extroverted and you approach people first and try to be super friendly. Also you're an attention whore (affectionate) with a flare for the dramatics, very flamboyant, you basically fill the room with personality, it attracts attention and you love it. You're what people would call a "sunny" person.

You're hella competitive (get it lol) and you LOVE fighting your way to the top and crushing the competition. You're probably a weirdo that low key likes school. Not the way it's run or the teachers or whatever, but the "idea" of school. If you could just learn all your life you absolutely would.

Second house in virgo. The 2nd house is the house of money, work, income, daily routines, values, material possessions, habits, work ethic ect being in virgo it means you can have an extremely good work ethic, you put a lot of thought in planning and mapping your work, you might get overly critical on your work though and often undermine your own success and efforts because they didn't fit your impossible standards. You can be very organized in your work, you want things to be a certain way and if they don't follow your plan you will Make them. Its a good position for virgo but yoh need to be aware of not overworking by trying to do Everything on your own. Let others help you, and let people in your work do their own things don't try to help if not asked to because you will overwork yourself.

The third house is that of the mind, thinking, communication, siblings, interests and early education, in your case it is in Libra which means that you're early education might not have been very stable or it was a period of time that you look back with a lot of fondness but not much substance. You are a good talker but you get lost when it comes to details, you are indecisive when it comes to settling on an opinion on something if you don't have All the facts first, you always want to be right. You are pretty open minded and easy to talk to but you might have the bad habit of rambling off topic. You change interests constantly and you prob like to talk about others, you wanna know the tea if it kills you. You prob had a crush on a childhood best friend or on a hot neighbor. Your relationship with your siblings might be pretty good, friendly, no particular resentment or anything like that, you might be the one that everyone treats a little better, people let you get away with things more often, you might be the one that takes 2 hours in the bathroom lol.

Oof fourth house in scorpio babe how are the mommy issues? 😬 How is your relationship with your femininity? Having trouble with keeping secrets? So the fourth house is the one responsible for your home roots, your family, self-care, emotions, your mother, women and your femininity and having Scorpio here tells me that you might have very strong ties to your family, but they weren't healthy or emotionally supportive. You have grown with people that might have undermined your emotions, people that didn't teach you to set healthy boundaries and maybe even manipulators and gaslighters. You might have been the type to put your foot down a lot a home, assuming a very dominant role as well as the defender. You're very private about your family life and don't want to let people too close.

Ah i just noticed u have like 3 planets in this house including ur Sun and Moon, babe this house is what you need to focus on when you go to therapy. This almost secretive, guarded approach to understanding your own emotions is very prominent in how you see yourself, how you feel and with Pluto there, how you change. I could say the biggest changes in your life have happened in these areas and they have left the biggest impacts on you. Yes you are passionate and protective but don't let bad feelings marinate forever, address them and then move on from them because they're just weighting you down.

Fifth house in sag, also the house of your mercury. This house represents Love, romance, creativity, self expression, joy and childlike spirit. It tells me the way you express your creativity is through words which makes sense since you're a great writer, but not only, the way you express Love is also through your words, expression and free thoughts are your way you tell your loved ones how much you mean to them, think poetry, long rants, music recommendations bc of specific song lyrics, you have been writing form childhood and it's one of the ways you express your view on beauty as well, to you love is freedom and freedom is expression.

Capricorn in the sixth house paired with both uranus and neptune being in it tells me there is something about your knees, joints, bones or teeth in particular that stands out when it comes to your health, maybe you tend to break your teeth, maybe you like chewing on crunchy foods, maybe your joints crack a lot, idk but I'd drink my milk if i was you, take care of your joints and bones. Also for you, being emotionally unwell often translates to being Physically unwell as well, so be mindful of your emotions because they do affect you physically. You need to keep hydrated also and your health plan needs structure for it to work bc that neptune makes everything very chaotic and uranus constantly makes you bored and wanting to spice things up. Take care of your emotional needs just as much as you would with your physical ones. And for the love of jesus be CAREFUL with alcohol or smoking because that neptune in ur health house could mean serious trouble if you let it become an addiction, don't push it.

Aquarius in the seventh house of relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners ect means you are untraditionally traditional. That makes sense in my head let me explain. Aquarius is a sign that seeks individualism desperately, it likes to feel like a special person, impossible to understand. Yet always feels comfortable in the structure of traditional and safe paths. So for example you might marry someone in a way that is not traditional but at the end of the day you wish for your marriage to have a stability you would feel safe falling into. Also it says ur gay. Air signs in the relationship house says ur gay i Make the rules.

Pisces is in the eighth house of sex, intimacy, shared finances, inheritance, taxes, loans, property, mystery, partner's resources. This tells me you fuck with feeling lmfao. Or you simply make your love life something "special", a connection that only you and ur person can share, it's what makes you an amazing lover and an unforgettable one as well. But as amazing as you are at creating a otherworldly atmosphere, ur just as shit at setting boundaries and saying something when you don't like something. You don't like to see things that you love ending and a failed relationship makes you blame yourself too much, you have the tendency to stay in situations where you are being mistreated but you tell yourself It's on you.

A recurring theme I'm seeing is some weakness when it comes to liars or manipulators in your life. So either you irrationally fear people are lying to you because you "lie" to them about yourself or a lot of people in your childhood might have used lying or gaslighting as a way to keep you under control. I would advise to try not to overthink and become paranoid, people love you and they believe in you and they aren't deceiving you, they don't secretly mean something different from what they have said. Listen to your intuition about people sure, but don't confuse it with anxiety.

With lilith and aries in the 9th house of travel and higher education and religion I'm gonna assume you might have religious trauma. Religion might have been a way that people used to try and control you, if not religion then some form of system or government law. Being queer i completely understand the sentiment but in your case it's take a step further because you Value the ideals of this house so much, with lilith here, it's like at som point in your life you were finally awakened to how much injustice there was in the world ant that has made you very inclined to take action, you cannot stand unjust government or non tolerating religions. You might have felt crushed under an unjust system and it took you a lot of will and conviction to find your individuality and build yourself how you wanted once you were free.

Your midheaven in taurus tells me you are one that will achieve any goals you set your mind to. It might take you time, you might procrastinate around it, but at the end of the day, you will do it and you will do it well and it will be rewarding. If your father isn't a Taurus then he was a stable figure in your life, very much a rock for better or for worse. In your career life people will see you as very competent, very down to earth and helpful but you know you just procrastinated till the last second possible and stayed up all night do finish your work... You will seek careers that you believe will guarantee you stable income and a comfortable life. You might indulge in luxury from time to time because you think in order to get the position you want at work you need to look the part. Ultimately it's your sheer stubbornness and spite that gets you all the way up to the top of the food chain.

The eleventh house of groups, friendships, humanitarianism, and social awareness is in your case in gemini. It tells me you value friendship extremely and you surround yourself with a diverse cast of friends, you couldn't mix your different friend groups if you tried and you have tried. You have the habit of being too friendly to everyone which makes you end up with more friends than you know what to do with. You are approachable but people can get the impression that you are putting up a show or a facade and your emotions arent genuine, it's not always the case but you need to be more truthful and assertive, put some boundaries and don't let people get away with shit you don't like. Your public persona is very well liked, seen as fun and bright and smart and overall a joy to be around.

Now that last placement... 12th house cancer, i have the same placement and babe I'm sorry for all the shit you have been through. You deserve the freedom to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness in healthy ways. You deserve to be given unconditional love and support no matter how many mistakes you say you have made no matter how overly pessimistic you are about yourself it doesn't matter you're amazing and i love you and you deserve the world.

With jupiter the planet of expansion in the 12th house of endings, spirituality, solitude and karma?! Gurl i did say u were a cult leader but i didn't think it was astrologically backed up rippp. But it also says you might have a hard time getting the motivation to finish things, you might take a long time to finish a project. This house placements also tells me you're amazing at writing emotional ass fantasy stories which by now we have confirmed, but if you have like, an original idea for a book don't hesitate to get it started babe bc u have a very promising placement for that. Don't get too dragged into a sad whirlpool of emotions and daydreams but bring your creative ideas to life and you'll be fine.

This is all I'm doing today and i think it's enough lol. I'm posting this I'm sorry to my followers for the long ass post I'll tag it so you can filter it. This was a whole psycho-astrological analysis of our favourite writer Hellspawn1975. I have wanted to study her like a new lizard species for a while and i finally got the chance thank you hella for the opportunity.

Final words to @hella1975 i hate you and I'll fuck ur mom tomorrow, gn babe <3

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.