#maybe some of this is 'middle kid' projection or school-related-trauma projection or any kind of projection under the sun

[rotatedaxis]

such love for "you're begging for tissues, all you get is confetti" like, you're in need of something so simple but you're given this ineffectual thing that can't actually help you at all. it just reads as your needs are forgotten or minimised to their smallest possible point and if that isn't being treated seriously then it's mocked or can be dealt with by something small. in line with the song, your nose is bleeding and the best thing for this is tissues, but all you have is confetti, just this little thing that really isn't going to help whatsoever but it's all the help you're gonna get. And the way this comes just after "but [your friends are] all bloodsucking vampires", just adds bc it's like, well they're getting something out of your struggles but you, it's safe to say, are not having a good time. it gives this impression of people taking joy in your suffering but acting as though they aren't or are doing the absolute barest minimum in giving something that might help but, in reality, doesn't, if anything makes it worse, emotionally-speaking.

and maybe it's just me, but the whole thing feels very defeated. like whoever the character of the song is, has just been putting up with all sorts of crap for however long and is just exhausted by it all, but cover it all up "wave hello 'cause nothing's wrong" and take their "heart off of their sleeve" and just act carefree and like everything's okay when nothing is, just bury it all, they don't "get tragic" anymore (perhaps suggesting that they, along with taking their heart off their sleeve, they don't show any of their emotions anymore)

. again, maybe it's me, but "i'm gonna die before you, it's the first race that i'll win" doesn't inspire a particularly hopeful ending and maybe that ties in with being carefree and "hectic", suddenly - people who know it'll be over soon tend feel okay about it, without getting too deep into it right here right now.

maybe, the whole lot reads as a bullying narrative. talking about giving the kids "something to shout back / as the books fall out of my rucksack" and not being "everything to everyone", by trying to please everyone you please no one, so that type of people-pleasing behaviour never worked out for our character, and just resulted in, at least, teasing. "I don't take my phone off silent anymore" could suggest, if you follow this theme, that they don't want to see what people are sending them or saying to them, so you could call them but they probably won't see it or notice. And then, of course, "while your friends sing happy birthday / but they're all bloodsucking vampires" suggests fake friends and people who turn their backs when you're in need, when you'd give them your time and energy and care - they act like they care, shallow things like singing happy birthday, but won't actually help when it's needed, like our character's nosebleed for which they 'beg' for tissue, but all they get is confetti. (and the word beg suggests that they're really trying to get what they need, but to no avail, so they just have to make do with what they can get their hands on)

anyway. I don't know how much or how little sense any of this makes. all I know is all you get is confetti is an excellent song that has me in a chokehold (despite only being out for not even 5 hours at this point) and it deserves to be heard and read into and loved.

[anxiouswritingbitch]

Do you have any head canon about where and what would the Hacketeers counselors study if they go to university or where they would work after the summer camp?

Yep ! Hope you enjoy !

Requests still open in my inbox

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕠𝕣𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕘𝕖 + 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕜 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤

Ryan

I feel like after all the nearly dying and killing of the night at camp, he'd somehow start to think like "fuck it. you only life once" and decide to go to the animation school he was talking to Chris about.

So yeah, he would feel bad for his family for a bit, but he'd enjoy his education I think.

Probably would start working as soon as he can for small projects that are animation related. I feel like he'd enjoy making cartoons ?

Dylan

Same as Ryan, the boy's going to follow his dreams and major into quantum physics in college. And heck yeah he's going to be good !!

I feel like he never was a big fan of school, except for the science subject. But now that he's only got those, he really excited to be in class, for the first time.

I think he'd do great as a teacher. Science is his passion, and even if he's shy, he loves to share it with others. He wants to prove that math and physics can be fun.

Probably teaches for high school, maybe middle school too.

Abigail

Art school all the way babey ! She was a bit insecure about it first, because yk, not the most stable life, and she's an anxious cookie.

But after the traumatic events of the night, art became her only refugee. The only way to get better was to draw, paint, anything to get the nightmares out of her system. She then realized she wanted to do that for a living too.

Once she graduates, she probably goes from project to project for a while. Testing stuff, living her life and enjoying it.

I feel that she would become a teacher a some point too, maybe later in her life. She was great with the kids at camp, and they loved her class.

Laura

Girl followed her dream ! She was so sure of herself, and so happy when she finally started her vet studies. After the hellish summer she went through, this felt like a huge victory.

After years of study, she started working in a cabinet and she was great there. I feel like she'd want to open her own at some point. She's a badass she'll succeed.

Max

Getting rejected from uni was hard for him. Without really knowing what to do, he started doing a few jobs here and there to save a bit of money. Get a bit of experience too.

The year after, he tries college again. He didn't think he could do it, but Laura tutored him a lot. He got in !

Majored in psychology. He's good at listening people, he's an empath you know. Wants to be a psychologist, or anything related in the field. He wants to help people, especially those with strong trauma.

If he and Laura ever have children, I'd kinda see him as a stay-at-home dad though.

Emma

Majors in communication or something. She is great at being an influencer, she knows how to sell a product. Talking to the people is her thing.

She's still going strong on social medias, and that definitely helps her getting a job later.

Probably was in marketing for a while, but she didn't really fit there. That world wasn't for her.

She then works in the communication team for small enterprises that she likes (people that organizes events, or things like this). She's the social media manager of this kind of stuff.

Kaitlyn

She has no idea what she wants to do with her life. She's a free spirit, and having to decide what her path will be right now is scary.

So she follows her parents' advice and go to college. She majors in law studies. It was bit of a random choice, but in the end she likes it quite a lot. She's good with people, and not afraid to step up.

Thinking back, during the trials against the Hackett family, she was amongst those who fought the hardest to bring the truth out.

Later, she specializes in all the case that don't have a rational explanation. She's been there, she knows what it likes. She's the best lawyer in town.

Jacob

Doesn't know what he wants to do with his life either. But unlike Kaitlyn who spent hours thinking about it, Jacob is way more chill. He goes with the flow.

He tried college. But with all the trauma and his guilt at somehow having caused them to stay, along with the breakup with Emma, the boy had it quite rough. He wasn't the best at school before, but with all the shit, college just didn't work out for him.

Like Max, he tries a lot of small jobs to get a bit of money.

Eventually he gets back on his feet and remembers what he was good at : sport. He trains and spends a lot of time in gyms, and starts working there.

Later, he either continues this way in the gym world, or becomes a sports coach in school. He was good with children, and he still is !

Nick

Nick loves cooking. But cooking schools aren't the best on resumes, at least not to his parents. So they make a deal : Nick tries college.

He and Jacob stayed tight after this summer. Thankfully, they don't even life that far, so they just went to the same college. As mentioned before, Jacob didn't stay long. Nick finished the year, but he really didn't like it.

Against his parents' wishes, he dropped and started culinary school. He moved in with Jacob, he had enough of his parents as roommates. He also took a part time job at a restaurant to afford it all (still had help from his parents though).

Stayed in the restaurant and climbed the ladder. He's happy with his cooking.

Lmao I realize that I hc a lot of them as teachers. Imagine them all teaching in the same school. Hilarious.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Help.”

Based on a discussion I saw between some readers last night. It gave e some ideas, and I thought I would take it and run with it :) Hope you guys enjoy!

He pulled a crate behind him. It rattled over the tarmac of the launch field as his boots pounded against the concrete. Cargo trucks and fuel tanks passed him on either side, their occupants waving in recognition as they passed him. He raised his hands to them in greeting, wincing slightly as his arm dropped back to his side. 

He glanced back at the crate, nondescript. If Krill found out what was inside…. Well he’d throw a fit, he would have called it a bitch fit, but for some reason that title seemed way too funny for what Krill would probably do to him when he figured it out. He sighed and stretched his aching back. Despite the heat out, he was wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up. He knew it probably looked suspicious, but the longer it took the others to figure it out, the better.

The Harbinger loomed overhead, all black lines and cold metal. He paused at the base of the ramp closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Even the smells were comforting.

He dropped his hand back to the handle of his cart and began rolling it up the ramp, a task which turned out to be a little more difficult than he had foreseen, and he struggled with both hands to drag his cargo up the incline. Suddenly his load lightened, and he turned to find Ramirez pulling with him.

“Morning, commander, what the hell do you have in here, bricks.”

“Actually I have your mother.” he grunted, pulling harder.

Ramirez snorted, “Dare you to say that to my mother’s face, she’ beat you about the head with her sandal.”

He laughed, “Why doesn’t that surprise me.”

Together they made it to the top of the ramp panting, “Seriously though, where have you been. You’ve been gone for like a week. Krill and sunny have been freaking out.”

He smiled slightly, “They would, and don’t worry. I’ve been requisitioning some stuff for the ship.”

“More jetpacks I hope.” Ramirez muttered.

The commander smiled, “Don’t I wish, but no, all the important boring stuff.”

“Where-have-you-been.” His smile grew stiff, and he sighed turning around to find doctor Krill marching up the deck towards him.

He stepped in front of the crate, “Participating in all kinds of heinous debauchery I assure you, you know like, gentlemen’s clubs, and drug houses, smoking shrooms and whatever the kids are doing these days.”

A hand patted his shoulder, and he looked over to see Ramirez smiling, “You eat shrooms commander, you don’t smoke them.”

“Hmm well shit, that’s why they weren’t working.”

The doctor stormed up, “You always think you're funny, and I never do. So where were you!”

“Like I was telling Ramirez. I had to step out to requisition some parts. I should have left the Lt. in charge, so I don’t see why everyone is so hot and bothered about it.”

Krill stepped forward, looking suspicious, “Why are you wearing that…. In the middle of summer?”

“Pure laziness Dr.” he said waving a hand, “Besides, I was overnight in the car, and just woke up as we were getting here, still trying to wake up. Now if you don’t mind.” He pulled the crate after him and down the hall greeted by other members of the crew as he passed. The spiderlings rushed to say hi, but were on their way almost as soon as they had said hi heading down the hall and out to make mischief. Following behind them, conn floated with extra interest, his eyes seeming to bore into the commander.

“You won't say anything? Will you?”

“I don’t give up internal secrets, but you need help.”

“Yeah and you need to stop being creepy as fuck, but we all have our little problems.” The two passed each other continuing forward. HE had almost made it to his quarters when a new figure stepped up before him. He sighed sufferingly and pulled to a stop as Sunny stepped up in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest, “Where have you been.”

He threw his hands in the air, “Does anyone realize these days that I am a grown ass man who is allowed to go leave and do things without telling everyone about them.”

She looked at him suspiciously. Perhaps a little confused.”

He kicked himself, he never usually talked to her like that.

He let his voice soften, “Don’t worry, I had to requisition some equipment, had a long night.” He motioned to his door, “Don’t mind if I slip in to catch a few winks.”

She eyed him, and he frowned; he did not see why everyone seemed to concerned, but she stepped aside and let him through holding the door open for him as he pulled the crate inside.

The door hissed shut behind him, and he locked it closed with a snap.

He sighed dropping the handle to the crate and walking over to the floor’length mirror along one wall.

He pulled back the hood and stared at his face for a long moment. He looked tired, bags under his eyes and sunken cheeks, but nothing too bad beyond that, maybe just a little pale around the eyes.

He grunted in pain again as he reached up tugging at the zipper of his sweatshirt pulling it down to show he wasn’t wearing anything underneath.

He pulled it off and dropped it to the floor giving himself a closer look.

This is what he couldn’t let krill see.

“Well shit. He muttered to himself turning this way and that to examine the hundreds of small red patches over his chest and abdomen. He reached a hand down to touch them, small red and slightly scaly in nature. He hadn’t had hives since he was in elementary school, but he supposed physical manifestations of stress were better than the mental alternative, besides while Krill wouldn’t have liked to see him covered in hives, he definitely wouldn’t have  liked what was above that.

Tiny disks of clear polycarbonate under a tiny metal rivet. 

From here the little pieces were visible on his chest, biceps, forearms, back of his hands, hips and stomach.

He turned around where to see where a line of them went down his spine from the base of his skull to the upper part of his tailbone, which he couldn’t see 

He took a deep breath and stepped towards the mirror, “Come on, do better.” He muttered to himself. Time to grow up and do what needed to be done.

No one trusted him to make these decisions, which is why he hadn’t told anyone. If he trusted them o trust him he would have asked krill to preform the procedure, but he knew the doctor would never have agreed.

He turned back to the crate and knelt to flick the lid open. The lid popped with a hiss, and he paused with a deep breath before pushing back the lid. He paused to look down at the contents breathing hitching and speeding up. His body went cold and then warm and then cold again.

He had to shake himself as he reached down and ran his fingers over the metal.

Now to test it out.

He took another deep breath. 

No one understood just how much he would do for the UNSC, for Earth. No one could understand what he was willing to do. All of them would just assume he was insane or…. What? Broken? Desperate? Confused?

He wasn’t any of those things.

He Tugged off the rest of the clothing and, Like the scientists had directed, he sat on the edge of the crate and slid backwards positioning himself just right before lying back. He closed his eyes listening to the sharp snap as the first rivet fell into place at the base of his skull. 

More sharp snapping noises came, and he expected agony to come with it, but when nothing did he cracked an eye and looked about. He was fine, no pain at all, though maybe a little pressure.

He sat up using his hands to secure to the rivets around front, locking them around his feet and then his hands.

He stood, the cold metal of the ship hard under his bare feet. Hydraulics hissed and clicked with him as he walked slowly back to the mirror. He paused before it’s reflective surface.

Project Iron eye, the progressive follow up to steel eye (though their choice of name was questionable.

A painless, drug less evolution of the first model, but that required permanent implants into the body to work.

He had made the decision upon learning about the project.

He had consulted no one, spoken to no one and visited with no one.

This was his choice, this is what he needed to do. Whether people liked to admit it or not, he was one of the few people standing between the entire GA and a universe full of threats. He needed to be prepared for anything, he needed to be stronger faster and more prepared than anyone else to make ready for the things he might be asked to do in the future.

The scientists had been hesitant to allow him to participate. They had no idea what a project like this would do to someone with trauma related to Steel-eye. He was, in essence stepping back towards his trauma and forcing himself to wear it like a rope around his neck. Where therapists and psychologist would have suggested moving on from his trauma, he had done the exact opposite.

He looked away from the mirror.

It was alright, as long as he didn’t look at himself he would be fine. His ody clicked and hissed as he moved around the room. Memories battered at the edges of his mind, but he stood firm forcing them back.

Not this time.

Not this time.

He-would-NOT-break. He was done with that. He was done being a loose cannon, he was done relying on other people to help him through his own personal issues. He was done being a child.

He was a man and needed to start acting like it.

He turned back and walked over to the mirror forcing himself to look, forcing himself to stare at the steel that encases his limbs and hands, forced himself to stare at his augmented body covered in that parasitic leaching thing that had destroyed his life so many years ago.

He would look until it stopped bothering him.

Even if he had to sit here all day 

He nearly leaped out of his skin as a knock came to the door. He yelped pushed violently back and nearly went flying across the room as the IE suit responded. He staggered fell over metal clattering against metal with a horrendous crash.

“Adam! Adam are you ok! “

He cursed violently and got to his feet, “yeah! Fine ! You just startled me. What do you need.”

“You sure you’re ok, that sounded like a pretty big crash.”

“Fine, knocked the table over.”

“Can I come in.”

“No I’m naked.” he announced hurrying back over to the crate, sitting on the edge and swinging his feet up, allowing the mechanism to pull from his body and hiss into place inside the crate.”

“You serious?”

“Yes I’m serious.” The rivets clicked open with sharp hisses.

“What is that noise?”

“Are you going to keep interrogating e, or do I get to change in peace?”

He was growing frustrated with constant questions. The last piece clicked into place, and he opened it up crawling form the locks and allowing it to click shut. Then he pushed the crate under he bed and hurried to the closet to grab his uniform quickly pulling on the pants, undershirt and jacket adjusting the cap on his head hoping that none of the rivets would be visible.

He walked over to the door and unlocked it.

“Now you can come in.”

Sunny poked her head into the room, “I thought you were supposed to be sleeping.”

“Just remembered I have a meeting.”

He saw her eyes flick down towards his hands, and he quickly turned away from her to secure his jacket into place discreetly pulling on the gloves before she could see.

“Maybe you should cancel. You need your rest.”

He stepped up to the mirror straightening out the last pieces of his uniform, ‘I can sleep when I’m dead.” He turned on his heel and walked past her patting her on the shoulder. Her eyes were still narrowed as she looked around the room.

He hurried past her out the door adjusting his cap.

***

He suppressed a yawn as he sat in one of the USNC conference rooms surrounded on all sides by brass both higher and lower in rank than he.

Someone raised a hand quieting the voices.

“Our first order of business, Commander.”

All eyes turned to look at him, and he straightened up hands clasped on the table before him.

“We’ve discussed our most recent missions, and I don’t know if I speak for everyone , but I am worried about you, and your crew. That is…. A lot to take on in such a short amount of time.”

He nodded his head doing his best to channel his father, calm and collected, “Yes Ma’am which is why I have requisitioned R&R for my men as well as full pscyh and physical evaluations to be run before our next deployment.”

“And you, commander?”

He felt his face tingle with nerves, “I have a lot to do for our next deployment, but I am sure I can fit something in.”

“Something you might want to consider doing sooner rather than later.”

He turned to look at the man who had spoken, “I’m sorry, Major, but perhaps I don’t entirely understand your implication.”

“I am saying that you are a loose cannon commander.” He sat back in his seat glancing around at the others who shifted nervously clearly agreeing with the man but unwilling to say it.

“I have a near perfect mission record, if not perfect.” He said calmly.

“But your methods are extreme.” Another voice protested.

“I would prefer extreme methods to dead men.” He forced his voice to stay calm.

“Have you been counting the amount of times you have almost died. The amount of missions that should have been suicide. Commander, I am beginning to think you are determined to martyr yourself to the cause. Some of our consultants have suggested suicidal tendencies.”

He sat back in his seat unable to contain his surprise this time around, “Suicidal tendencies.” he repeated, “I think you misunderstand. I have no desire to die, in fact dying scares me, as it does most people. That is why my  missions are successful, because I will do everything in my power to avoid dying.”

“Commander, the only reason we haven’t already grounded you is due to your popularity with the GA, and your integration into their command structure.”

“Grounded!” He took another deep breath. No he had to stay calm, they would take any outburst even understandable as a sign he was off his rocker, “On what grounds?”

“On Every ground commander. First we should ground you simply on principle of what you have gone through these past few months, war, imprisonment, returning to the steel eye project, The incident with the jetpack. You have been showing erratic behavior both physically and emotionally. You are not well enough to be making decisions for a military vessel much less the entire universe.”

HE took a couple of deep breaths, “Grounding me would be a mistake.”

“Why is that.”

He tilted his head, “Simply sir, space is where I am most comfortable. To ground me here on earth would only cause added stress to what I already have. It would be counter-productive.”

“That simple admission just demonstrates why you can’t be rusted.”

“No. if you took someone who loved the forest more than anything and put them in an urban environment it would cause them stress. That is a normal human reaction to being put in places one does not want to be.”

This is not your decision to make commander….”

“No, but maybe I should remind you of a few things.” he stood slowly, “Perhaps you intend to release me from my duties,or move me into a job where I can do no harm, but there is a simple reality you have not considered.” He rested his hands on the table, “I am the most valuable man in the universe right now and this is not simple narcissism on my part, it is a logical fact that I have been forced to accept. I speak three alien languages to near fluency Drev, Vrul, and Tesraki, I am sentinel of a Drev clan, and part of a second. After the debacle with the hybids, I am the only person the adaptid queen will speak with. If I am grounded the entire Tvek homeworld will dissolve into chaos.  I am familiar with and well-informed as to the Rundi command structure and the proper way of addressing, interacting, and making suggestions to the council. I am the only person who can communicate with the starborn. Lord Celzex will treat with me only. I have thousands of valuable contacts who owe me favors, who gather information, and who trust me with their lives. I am, unfortunately, one of the most popular and well followed men on earth. If I am grounded it would cause a media and civilian uproar. Recruiting would drop marginally.” he paused. He could have continued but it was getting almost excessive.

“You seem to think highly of yourself commander.”   

He shook his head, “Not that, I am simply giving you facts. If I were to speak while thinking highly of myself, I would simply remind you that I am the most accomplished pilot in the galaxy, I have more flight hours, more simulation time, and am the only person who can out-fly a burg frigate in open combat with an overheated warp core.” 

The room sat silent before him.

“As this goes on I will only get more experienced and by the time I am a proper age with the proper maturity you all wish for, I will be the single most valuable man in the entire universe.”” 

More silence.

The commander took a seat, “One last addition to my list.” he said quietly.

They all stared.

“I have the lowest mortality rate of any UNSC vessel despite being the longest operating. My ship has the highest ratings of moral and ob satisfaction. My men are loyal to me, and I am loyal to them.” He looked up at the surrounding table, “I would do anything for the UNSC, and anything for my men. You have seen what I will do,s o ask yourself if it is worth loosing what I can bring.”

***

He sort of just wanted to throw up.

The hives were beginning to itch, which wasn’t a good sign, but he had kept himself together during the meeting, and, as of yet, he had not been grounded.

He walked up the ramp and back onto the ship smiling weakly at those he passed.

He needed a nap, so he made his way straight to his room.

He was already thinking about his nice soft pillow as he threw the door open simply intending to pull off his jacket and hat and sleep in his uniform pants, but when he stepped in, he froze.

Eleven pairs of accusing eyes stared at him from the interior, and flicking his eyes around he saw the crate lying open on the floor.

Shit

Shit 

Shit 

Shit!

Ramirez stood up and approached to where he was standing in the door. The commander tried to crack a smile, “This some kind of intervention.”

Ramirexz didn’t crack a smile, instead grabbing him by the arm and pulling of his glove tossing it to the ground.

The little metal disks glittering in the iridescent light above.

The eyes around the room grew even more accusatory, but he didn’t bother to hide it. This was going to happen sooner or later, he had just hoped it would be later rather than sooner.

When he looked up, he saw that Ramirez’s face was twisted into an expression of pain, rather than the anger he had been expecting.

“Ramirez?” He asked in confusion, but the other man  cut hi off placing his hands on his shoulders to look him in the face. It seemed as if he was trying to say something, but gave up and suddenly hugged him, tight.

Adam went with surprise into the crushing hug feeling the man’s desperation as he whispered, “Commander, please, you need help.”

He tried to find words, but it was harder than it should have been.

“Please, you need help.”

[lisalowefanclub]

Multiplicity and what identification and representation means to Us

Madeline: I don’t remember there being many cool, attractive, and overall desirable but not fetishized (bye yellow fever) representations of Asian people in mainstream media while I was growing up in the early 2000s. The Asian media I did consume was introduced to me by my dad, so you can imagine the kind of outdated and endearingly weird characters I was exposed to as a kid. Think blind Japanese swordsman Zatoichi or humanoid child robot Astro Boy, both of which originated in Japan around the 60s. As for celebrities, I occasionally heard people talking about Lucy Liu or Jackie Chan, but only as defined by their stereotypical Asian-ness. My point is that this kind of cultural consumption fell into one of two categories: that of obscurity, which suggests that cultural objects are created by Asians for Asians (bringing to mind labels like “Weeb” for Western people who love anime), or that of hypervisibility grounded in stereotypical exoticism. You’d be hard pressed to find a film that passes the Asian Bechdel test.I didn’t discover K-pop until coming to college when I became curious about who my white friends were fawning over all the time. Since then, it’s been really neat to see how K-pop has become popularized as one of the many facets of America’s mainstream music and celebrity culture, especially when artists write and perform songs in Korean despite the majority of their audience lacking Korean language fluency. This suggests that something about the music is able to transcend language barriers and connect people despite their differences. Today it’s not uncommon to see Korean artists topping Billboard’s hot 100 hits, being interviewed on SNL, winning American music awards, gracing the cover of Teen Vogue, or being selected as the next brand ambassador for Western makeup brands like M.A.C. If you were to ask your average high school or college student if they know Blackpink, BTS, or EXO, they would probably be familiar with one of the groups whether or not they identify as Asian.What does this mean, then, for young Asian-Americans to grow up during a time when Asian celebrities are thought to be just as desirable as people like Timothée Chalamet, Zendaya, or Michael B. Jordan? What does it mean to see an Asian person named “Sexiest International Man Alive”, beating out long-time favorite European celebs? What does it mean for popularity to exist outside of the realm of the racialized minority and for it to build connections across minority cultures? Of course, fame can be toxic and horrible-- it is, at times superficial, materialistic, gendered, fetishized, and absolutely hyper-sexualized-- but I for one think it’s pretty damn cool to see people who look like me featured in mainstream American culture.I’ve found that throughout the semester, my understanding of Asian presence in America (American citizen or otherwise) has been deeply shaped by our discussions of identity politics and marginalization, another class I’m taking on intergenerational trauma, and my own identity as a Laotian-American woman. Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the similarities between American proxy wars in Korea (The Forgotten War) and Laos (The Secret War), both of which involved US bombing of citizens in the name of halting communism. Taking this class has challenged me to reconceptualize how we make sense of mass atrocity in relation to a pan-Asian identity, especially when contending with how trauma and violence can act as a mechanism for cultural production, and I look forward to exploring this more in my thesis. 

Cyndi:  K-pop is always just the beginning. Enough in and of itself, any interest in the genre at all reinvigorates the consumer to become more engaged with the world in which it exists. Two years ago, I got into a big, but in hindsight pretty silly, argument with my mom when I started going to a Korean hair salon (because of my K-pop delulus / Jennie prints) instead of seeing Maggie, our Vietnamese hairdresser who I can usually only see twice a year on our bi-annual visits to California to visit extended family. My mom told me the Koreans don’t need our money, they are already richer than we will ever be. Who are ‘the Koreans’? Who is ‘we’?? Is every person of Korean descent doing better than every person of Vietnamese descent in America? And #why is my mom being A Hater? Surely, sharing our identity as ‘perpetual guests’ in America should create some sort of solidarity, or at least, allow for transitory economic collaboration??? I give my money to white people all the time: to McDonald’s (Cookie Totes), to Target, to Swarthmore College. 

K-pop cannot be the end. As much as I enjoy the music, the show, and the celebrities, I also know in my heart that the current international interest in K-pop will not last. As an almost perfect and perplexing exemplification of modern global capitalism, the industry will over-expand and thus wear itself out. I always see the subtle disappointment on my language teachers’ faces when they ask me how I came to take interest in Korean, and I have to answer ‘K-pop’, because that is the truth; that is not where I am at now, but it will always be how I began. It has become clear to me that this disappointment is not just a generational difference. Maybe these old people are jealous of pop stars like how I also have to question whether I am secure in myself when I see a 14 year old accomplishing things I as a 21 year old could never accomplish in my long life. I am coming to understand that part of their reaction comes from the fact that there is a fine line between cultural appreciation and cultural appropriation, that pop culture is ephemeral, but they have lived their lives as entirely theirs. Casual or even consuming interest for the parts of culture that are bright, and clean, and easy cannot ever stand in for true racial empathy, though it is where many of us start. Identity in K-pop is merely another marketing technique, but to the community of fans and lovers, it is something that is real, lived, and embodied. I find that looking at K-pop always brings forth my most salient identities in terms of gender, race, and sexuality. As much as female group members express affection and jokingly portray romantic interest toward one another, would it ever be accepted if these jokes were no longer jokes, but lived realities? Even if the K-pop industry itself did not seek to produce fan communities of this magnitude, these communities that have been founded in response to it are here to stay.  Lowe argues that “to the extent that Asian American culture dynamically expands to include both internal critical dialogues about difference and the interrogation of dominant interpellations” it can “be a site in which horizontal affiliations with other groups can be imagined and realized” (71). A recent striking example is Thai fans’ demand to hear from Lisa on the protests -- a primarily youth-led movement against the government monarchy--going on in Thailand. Although she is, of course, censored and silenced on this topic, the expectation is still there; fans are holding their idols to a standard of political responsibility. 

Jimmy: I haven’t really paid much attention to K-pop until working on this project. Sure, my cousins would do anything to go see BTS perform in person, but I didn’t care so much. Or maybe, I was just not saturated with the cultural zeitgeist. Whereas they live in the center of a cosmopolitan city which imports and exports, my hometown hums white noise. Increasingly, though, K-pop has entered into my life and the wider American cultural space. Now, K-pop tops the charts and is featured on late-night talk shows. Whether or not you are a devout follower, you have probably encountered K-pop in some form. It was not until I went to Swarthmore that I have “become” Asian American. Back home, my friends are primarily either white or Vietnamese-American. And even though I did recognize that I had an “Asian” racial identity mapped onto me, I did not consider it to be based on any politics. After engaging with and working within  Organizing to Redefine “Asian” Activism (ORAA) on campus, as well as taking this course, I have a better grasp of what it means to rally around an Asian American identity. It is a way to organize and resist. Reflecting on my political evolution, I feel comforted and alienated by the cultural weight of K-pop in America. It is amazing to see the gravity of cultural production shift away from the West. And to have global celebrities from Asia is great. Yet, K-pop is limited as a platform for Asian Americans to create identity. What are the consequences when mainstream ideas about contemporary “Asian” culture are still perpetually foreign from America? Is Asian American community just built around transnational cultural objects like K-pop and bubble tea? Does the economic and cultural capital of K-pop held by its idols obscure or erase the heterogeneity and multiplicity of Asian Americans? 

Jason: The first time I heard K-Pop was when Gangnam Style came on during a middle school social event when everyone is standing in their social circles doing their best not to be awkward when teacher chaperones are constantly staring at the back of your head seeing if any wrongdoing would occur. At that time, I could never imagine the K-Pop revolution that would occur within the American music industry.  Anytime I turn on the radio it is only a matter of time until a BTS song will start being blasted from the speakers. It is crazy to think that K-Pop has become so widespread within American popular culture that mainstream radio stations in Massachusetts are so willing to play K-Pop, even the billboards of 104.1 “Boston’s Best Variety” are plastered with BTS, because they know that is what their audience wants. Eight years ago, during that middle school social Gangnam Style was more about being able to do the dance that accompanied the song rather than the song itself. This has completely changed as more and more people are finding themselves becoming devout supporters of K-Pop. This class and project have continuously been pushing me out of my comfort zone by engaging in literature that I would never have read and discussions that I would never have imagined participating in. I have even listened to more K-Pop over the past couple of weeks than I had ever before in my life. I was impressed by myself when a song by BLACKPINK came on and the radio host said here’s some new music that I knew that the song was from their first album that came out around a month ago. I am grateful that I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and “forced (by having to actually do the homework)” to engage in the material of the class. Who knows how long this K-Pop fascination will last in American popular culture, but I am glad that I could be a part of it rather than letting it pass me by and staying within my comfortable music sphere of country, pop, and British rap.  

[bookdragonlibrary]

Third Tuesday YJ appreciation

1-3 ; 4-6 ; 7-9 ; 10-13 ; 14-16 ; 17 ; 18 ; 19 ; 20 ; 21 ; 22 ; 23 ; 24-26

—————————— Early Warning

- Star Girl is back.

- We didn’t see their mission in Chicago :(

- “The Outsiders are bigger than the Big League.” Seriously? So Gar has reach his goal to inspire people.

- We’re 21 December. Will we have a Christmas episode? 

- Santiago de Cuba. Is this the whole city name or it’s just to specify is the Santiago located in Cuba, because you know USA have a lot of countries which names already existed in other countries, so it’s confusing...

- Mother of Goat xD

- 04.31 is indeed too early to go to school...

- “You mean I’m Gabrielle’s corpse brought back to life by the energy of a dead motherbox.” Violet, you need to chill. It’s really sad you see yourself this way :( 

-  What do you mean she’s dying? She has better superhealing than a speedster!

- I like that the first thing she does is healing herself. 

- Months left? Well, all her previous dead must have been painful... But I’m sure Jace had misinterpreted what she saw. Maybe Violet has a high metabolism like a speedster with a fast regeneration of her cells so maybe they would discover this later by her aging slowly. 

- Her mentor? Who could that be? Was they the person she called in the 15th episode?

- Wait to tell them? How is this supposed to be a good idea? One secret is enough of a burden.

- A funeral? Who’s funeral? :’( 

- They are up against who to make Zatanna worry? Maybe she would bring Traci with her *finger crossed*

- What is this big pink cloud? It’s up to no good...

- Klarion? Of course Zatanna would be worried! The Team never succeeded to win against him! It was always Dr Fate.

- So he was the one who chose Project Rutabaga name? It’s difficult to understand which only one side of the conversation, more difficult than with Jaime and Scarab actually.

- “Stop to ruin my fun, Teekl.” He’s indeed the Witch Boy with that pouting xD How old is he to still be considerated as a child?

- I didn’t know human can have a reddish brown skin. Where is she from? 

- It’s me or he’s dumb not remember what he’s supposed to do?

- No need to explain it to us, I’m pretty sure we all understood as we are now in an adult plateforme...

- So the teen could speak? I thought she was mute. Because of trauma maybe?

- Change of eye and hair color plus... gills? She can’t breathe? Can’t she be like Kaldur and has a double breathing system? :( 

- So that’s where the mark in the forehead comes from... So he already sent teen in to Granny before. How could he forget if it’s not the first time he does it?

- So now she’s a red gaz and... does it where the big cloud comes from? 

- That monster looks like the one in FMA. So the Light is trying to create a mix of metateen with different powers combined for one super powers soldier? We already saw of terrified it could be with Amazo in season 1...

- So the minidrones come indeed from Blue right? 

- RIP  minidrone :(

- “We saw so pretty weird days.” Does he speak about the Reach? :( 

- The way Gar said funeral shows he’s so used to it...

- Joan is dead?! So quickly? From what? Aging?

- Virgil is so cool with blue eyes!

- “Outsiders away!” “Dude, that catchphrase, need work.” You mean “Outisiders go!” right? it was an easter egg right?

- Klarion seriously didn’t recognise them? Or never be against them? 

- “Flesh Monster” I know you are sadistic demon, but it was really disrespectful :( 

- Gar is so clever to attack Teekl! Mouse to elephant, the two opposites! 

- Klarion, we really don’t need your explanations, everyone had seen season 1... (why are you watching season 3?)

- No don’t use a bazooka on those kids! :( Yeah Geo-force! o/

- “No, not in the house.” New Team catchphrase?

- Did he just killed Beast Boy? Desintegrated him? It’s not possible! :’( Not another funeral! 

- Yes he’s alive! Stop with the fake deaths! 

- No Cassie! :( Did anyone how the monster become huge with Wonder Girl addition? She’s really strong!

- Virgil horrified to see his BF like that :( 

- Yeah! They are free! Except for the girl who still can’t breathe. 

- We need to bring Zatanna to Granny’s place so she could free the other teens. 

- Klarion is still busy with a hornet? Seriously?

- They are in Tower of Fate? So the balance between order and chaos are unbalanced in the place of power of one of them?

- “Still in the Tower? *meow* Dang it!” It shouldn’t be that funny! xD

- Virgil, you’re hanging out with Ed and Jaime, your Spanish should be better than this... 

- Yep, the girl still can’t breathe! :( Gar save her! :D She said “Thank you!” :3

- “Where is Violet?” Probably not well after learning she’s dying... 

- Tara’s struggle with English vocabulary (especially oral expressions) feels so real!

- We’re going to see Harper? :D 

- Is that guns and alchohol? Seriously? Is that beer or stronger alchohol? --’ Violet doesn’t seem at ease....

-  It’s cool Harper ask about the alchohol being allowed for Muslims. She’s the first one in the serie to ask VIolet about Islam. You can’t learn about it if you don’t ask to people :) But maybe Violet isn’t the best to ask as she probably doesn’t know much. Wait, does she know about alchohol by the way? 

- “I’m not a Muslim.” Is Violet rejecting everything about herself because she’s dying? Or is alchohol a way to cope with the big new? Or is she rejecting everything about Gabrielle’s identity because of the murder or Brion’s parents?

-  She doesn’t want to talk to Brion and doesn’t like the taste :/ 

- What? 

- “I have a boyfriend.” She clearly doesn’t need this to her emotions... And she sounds surprised? Is this a reminder or a news for Harper? It’s like 2 months she’s dating Brion so she should have told Harper right? 

- “So do I.” The bi cheating trope, really? I HC a lot of characters as bi or pan and it’s not the first rep I wished... And it could have been handled better. Like Harper not kissing her a second time after she said no (I have a boyfriend so I’m not available for kissing someone else, if it wasn’t clear for everyone...). Harper not having a boyfriend but a crush on Violet for a long time, for example? Because the kiss seem to mean nothing to Harper, just a funny thing to do... You know, because bi people can’t stay in a relationship and get bored... --’

- How Violet could be so good at firing? Thanks to her training with Artemis? Motherbox senses? 

- Wait, they are in Mount Justice beach, isn’t it private? How a cop could be there in the middle of nowhere or almost? Why didn’t she show up when Dick were firing with an ever bigger gun? It doesn’t make any sense! Or it’s just plot convenient...

- Violet’s hesitation really show how much she became self destructive because “I’m dying so why not? I have nothing to loose” kind of logic...

- Why they made the General so heartless? :( The cliche of the male soldier who is heartless and the female soldier who cannot do her mission properly because of love/mother instinct...

- I need to check YJ comics because I’m sure I can find some of them in it. *check* Ok I just found Serpenteen...

- Colonel Ramon Bracuda. So he’s indeed a Colonel xD

- Tara and Artemis! 

- The slap at the end was unnecessary, Slade. She was already down... è.é

- Artemis is so good as a mentor! She understood what Tara had been through!

- Tara is surprised and afraid Artemis discovered she was trained. Maybe Artemis will be the one who understands she’s a mole and try to reason her. (Like she tried with her sister...)

- I love how Artemis shows her she can relate to her trauma and reassure her she won’t do the same.

- Tara’s smile again!

- Police station. Right. 

- So Harper’s father is an alcoholic? That would explain why Harper want to forget about her life too... And where she found the bottle. Did she try to take the bottles away and wanted to try it instead?  

- A whole day waiting? That parental abusive!

- I’m not sure Violet truly understood what happened to be honest... It’s a lot in a day! She’s sure having a bad one :( 

- Guess it was an animated error last episode: Wendy still has her collar :( 

- Of course Kaldur will find a solution for the girl :) 

- Virgil, awkward... When he said “excuse” and then close his eyes because he realises it wasn’t the best word choice and Bart reassuring he understood he meant no harm :3 I love the Team dynamic :)

- With Ed, I’m never sure he’s looking at Bart or Wendy...

- “I want in.” In the hug? Of course he’s talking about the Outsiders xD Wait, what?! Doesn’t it seem out of character?

- Even Virgil  didn’t seem to know. 

- So Ed went to the funerals to support/confort Bart?

- So he talked to Bart and Jaime first? Ouch for Virgil... 

- So half of the Runaways in the Outsiders. When do we get to see Tye and Asami? They should have been there in episode 16! Are they ok? Are they kidnapped again? :( 

- “The kids here just don’t know you.” Yet! Come on, Ed, you could have invited all the Runaways, the first abducted metateens so the kids could relate to someone who go through the trauma. Virgil should be known in the Center! He is one of their own already! And that should have been Virgil’s character motivation to be part of the Outsiders and not the skin color... Black characters are more than just black they’re humans, you know? Where are the writers who wrote the other POC characters in the previous seasons? Anyway, the reason to do this for the kid would have been unnecessary if it was written properly with this character arc for Virgil because Ed was fine as a peer councelor to show to the kids there are other ways to use your powers than fighting bas guys, the living example for Paula’s point. 

- So great everyone supports Ed’s decision. 

- Yeah Virgil, his dad would totally freak out...

- Wendy is so small compared to the others! She seems to be 12. And Ed seems to have a big brother reaction who wants to be praised by the little sister ^^

- The comments said “The Outsiders are the best” in Spanish, no idea for the second one and “The Outsiders are unbeatable” in French :)

- “the Outsiders are bigger than the JL.” *Kaldur raises an eyebrow* priceless xD

- Klarion is still trapped in the Tower and it’s still so funny xD 

[darkzorua100]

So I honestly didn’t know what to expect from episode 41 of Vrains going into it. We knew it was going to be the first half of the Playmaker vs Revolver rematch but I honestly wasn’t expecting to be getting the plot dump this episode. I just figured the first half was mainly going to be focusing on the duel while the next two episodes were going to be major plot related. I’m very glad I was wrong because oh boy, this episode and the next two that follow are going to be so good I believe if we continue to get some answers and Revolver backstory.

And boy Revolver. We have a lot to talk about him because he is giving us some answers and the major thing we have been wanting to see from him since forever.

So first off, he confirmed the theory about the children being used to create the Ignises. We also got the silhouettes for all six of them shown and yeah. We know who three of those six are and this really is leaning towards the theory that Go and Aoi are two others since we saw what they looked like when they were younger. The final one is more than likely Revolver but that one wouldn’t be much of a shock honestly. I’m just wondering how they are going to BS Go and Aoi into being the last two kids if they are them since we know their backstories. Someone pointed out that this happened to Aoi before her and Akira’s parents got married, so that’s why Akira doesn’t know about this, and Aoi doesn’t remember herself since she repressed the memory of her trauma (as if she didn’t have enough problems already seriously). Go, on the other hand, I feel like is just going to be BS. However, Go doesn’t know about the Hanoi Project so maybe when someone finally brings it up to him, that might trigger something. I don’t know how they are going to handle that with those two honestly if they are confirmed in the future. I mean, I’m not surprised or will be surprised if/when they are confirmed, I’m just kinda disappointment since I was looking forward to two new characters coming out of this. I mean, I don’t want to have a big cast of characters since that always tends to screw Yu-Gi-Oh over at the end, but I hope we do get some more in the future because I love seeing new characters for this show and what they will add to the show as a whole.

We also found out that Ai was the sixth Ignis to come from this, making Yusaku the final child to be kidnapped more than likely since he was the one used to create that one. Ai’s real name, or code name I guess, is IGN006 and is making me wonder if this is why he was hated by his own kind, because he was the last one to be created and had flaws in him that the others didn’t or maybe he was more advanced then they were. Also, I wonder what the order was that these children were taken. If it was in the order that they were placed in their cells, then it looked like it would be Jin, Spectre, Go, Aoi, Revolver, and finally Yusaku. What I find strange about this order is that Revolver is number 5. You would think he would be number 1 but he isn’t, as far as we know anyway. It makes me wonder if Revolver willing chose to be apart of this against his father’s wishes, who didn’t want his son to get harmed from this or maybe he felt bad for the victims and felt like he had to take some form of responsibility for his father’s actions. Either way, if he is number 5, this would have been before Yusaku was here and if he was in the middle of during these tests, how could he have also been talking to Yusaku if he is indeed his “special person”? Again, this is hypothetically speaking because again, we really don’t know the actual order of the other Ignises just yet, or which Ignies were created from which children (even though some are more obvious then others) and Revolver could have finished his testing early to speak to Yusaku or maybe Revolver used his Link Sense, since he more than likely has it as well, to communicate with Yusaku even in his own testing room. Also, if Revolver was one of the kids, why was he rescued along with the rest of them if Yusaku stated it himself that his “special person” wasn’t one of the other kids and why would Revolver be apart of the kids in the first place if his father was running the project and should have just taken his son with him when it was over? More questions and not enough answers.

Also, no shock to anyone, Ai has been lying his butt off to Yusaku from the start. For what reason? Well who really knows at this point because Ai is continuing to lie and Playmaker and Revolver are both just done of his crap at this point. Hopefully we will get the full story for him in the next two episodes and after that, we will see who they real villain of this show truly is.

For someone who hates the internet so much, Revolver has just become the biggest meme for Vrains with his Mirror Force now. His deck is based around the card now and I wouldn’t be shocked if in the future, hopefully in this duel too, that he has/uses the other forms of Mirror Force because I would love to see what they look like in the anime since Mirror Force is just a pure light that destroys all the monsters, I want to see if Storming Mirror Force is just a giant wind storm that blows the monsters back to the hand or Drowning Mirror Force makes a giant wave and washes the monsters back into the deck. 

So this episode ends with Playmaker’s life points being below a 1000. He still has a face down so I’m sure he could have saved himself from the first attack without taking so much damage but did it to use his Skill. I’m thinking he’s going to use it and pull out out the upgraded form of Firewall Dragon during this duel, giving us our first Link 5 of the show. Revolver has the same skill but still has all his life points. Watch as he uses a Blazing Mirror Force to cut down some of his life points to use his skill if the trap doesn’t end up taking out Playmaker, which it won’t, and if he does use his skill, watch as the Link Monster he pulls out has something to do with Stardust in its name. Or maybe that’s what Firewall Dragon’s upgrade is going to be called...oh wait, we already have a Stardust Dragon...Starlight Dragon maybe? The title is called "The Stardust Road's Guidance" for a reason. I don’t know at this point. I’m still trying to figure out how this duel is going to end since after 43 summary, I’m starting to think this duel is going to end in a draw, like the first time they dueled, and they are going to have a rematch in the real world (which I would VERY much want to see).

Oh and speaking of the RW...

WE GOT REVOLVER’S FACE REVEAL! HOLY CRAP! HE’S ADORABLE! LOOK AT HIM! GREY EYES! I WASN’T EXPECTING GREY EYES, really fitting if anything since he is such a grey area character, BUT THEY LOOK SO GOOD! 

I wasn’t expecting this at all. I mean, I was thinking to myself that they could just randomly throw in Revolver’s face at any moment now but I didn’t think they would just do it in the preview. I mean, they did it for Ray but at least we had an idea what she looked like because of the Bracelet Girls but nothing for Revolver in terms of face wise. 

The best part about this is that they technically still hasn’t revealed his face yet. This is Revolver in the past, not present day Revolver and boy, if people aren’t freaking out already, Revolver after puberty is going to be Zarc all over again. 

I really hope this isn’t just a flashback of Revolver just narrating but actual events we are seeing from Revolver’s past. I want to hear his younger voice and if it is identical to the one that was talking to Yusaku so we can finally get our answer to that question. I also want a name reveal finally. We at least know his last name has to be Kogami, you know, if Revolver is actually his son, but as for his first name, I very much want to know what they are going to pick for him and the meaning behind it. We could also be seeing present day Revolver this episode so get ready for that if they aren’t saving that for the big face to face meeting of Yusaku and RL Revolver.

Also, another flashback I would like to see is if Revolver was present when his father was killed. Like did he actually see SOL killing his father right before his eyes? Revenge isn’t much of a character trait for Revolver, that is Yusaku’s thing after all, but I just want to see if that affected him or not in his way of thinking. Plus I would like to see just why he is doing this and just why he hates the online world so much. Was it due to his father being killed or is more to do with the Ignises? 

I like to also bring up Revolver’s age in this. Five years before the start of Vrains, he was the Revolver we see today, since it looks like avatars don’t age since they are just avatars after all, that attacked the Cyberse. Five years before that was the Hanoi Project. Yusaku was six when that happened. If the Revolver we see in the preview was him during when the Hanoi Project happened, he clearly is much older than him, as most of us had expected. He looks around the same age as the Yuus and Bracelet Girls were when they were shown in flashbacks and they had to be about 11 I believe since the events that happened in ARC-V before hand were three years ago before the main story started and they were 14 in Yuya and Yuzu case in present day if I remember correctly. So Revolver has to be around 18-21 in age I would guess. I’m for sure my math is off and let’s watch as he turns out to be Yusaku’s age.

Speaking of which, when this whole thing over and Revolver is redeemed, because I would be more shocked if he isn’t, watch as he purposely transfers himself into Yusaku and Aoi’s school just to keep an eye on them (since Revolver knows who Blue Angel actually is as well). Yusaku would lose it and the shenangians that could come from that would be amazing. You just see Revolver sitting in his chair, minding is own business, and then out of nowhere, you see Yusaku coming up to him, asking to talk in private (since they would both know who the other is by this point), and everyone else is just so shocked because here was Yusaku Fujiki, the person who is known to not have any friends, let alone talk to anyway, starting a CONVERSATION with someone, with the new kid of all people, and then them leaving to go talk in private like on the roof of the building or something. That is just funny to think about seeing everyone’s surprised, especially Naoki if he is trying to start a conversation with Yusaku and he just flat out brushes him off to go talk with Revolver. I can’t be the only one that wants to see this happen and not just because of ship bait either. I feel like that could lead to some character development for both of them and we would be able to see more of the real world after being in Link Vrains for so long. 

So there’s my inside of episode 41 for Vrains. I’m really happy we are getting some answers again and hopefully the next two episodes will be just as good with said answer giving. 

[kareenvorbarra]

alright after thinking about things more and seeing the movie a second time (even though i fell asleep for the last half hour because i went to a late showing and bought a giant dumb movie-themes cocktail at the theater) i am ready to talk about TLJ in more detail. I am still feeling pretty torn about it, there were things i loved and things I hated, so here are some lists:

things i liked

the diversity!!!! TFA did this too and again it was such a joy to watch a Star Wars movie and see all these female and non-white background characters everywhere. heroic female Resistance pilots and gunners, female First Order bridge officers, the fact that a good chunk of the Resistance leadership is apparently made up of middle-aged women, i love it

Paige Tico was great, and I loved that Lt. Connix got some lines, Tallie aka Blue Leader is my new space girlfriend 

Vice Admiral Holdo and her purple hair and flowy clothing and no-nonsense attitude and the way she fucking HYPERSPACED THE FIRST ORDER FLEET IN HALF which was one of the coolest scenes in the whole damn movie

every single scene Leia was in was gold and I love her and miss her and i’m so afraid of what’s going to happen in the next movie, and I miss Carrie so much ;___;

Poe and Leia’s relationship was very very good, the part where she bursts onto the bridge in her hospital gown and just stuns him very lovingly was another one of my favorite scenes 

Snoke dying was v satisfying and good, get rekt you evil motherfucker (though i hope we find out what his deal was eventually because i’m still curious, who is this clown) 

the Luke + R2D2 reunion made me so emotional, i legit cried a little the first time i saw the scene where R2 plays the old recording of Leia ;__; my poor kids

same with Chewie breaking down Luke’s door, and Luke asking about Han, and Luke’s last scene with Leia, and the part where he turns out to have been fucking astral projecting himself from the island

i like the possibility that Rey’s parents are just randos (v Taran from Prydain) and i really hope they stick with that and don’t pull a “psych she’s actually related to someone important” because lbr Kylo doesn’t know shit about her parents, he was just saying that because it was the thing most likely to make her come with him. 

i loved Rose, she’s a real sweetheart and it’s cool to have a major character who would be a random background tech in any other story

Poe fucking crank-calling Hux was absolute comedy gold, also Hux pretty much did nothing in this movie except get dunked on which was incredibly satisfying

things i didn’t like

i uh try not to talk about how much i hate reylo because it wasn’t A Thing onscreen in the first movie and i don’t begrudge people shipping whatever they want to ship even if i don’t get it, but i really hate reylo you guys. i don’t mind them becoming friends or helping each other out but if they date in canon the new trilogy is dead to me, i really won’t be able to handle it.

i’m totally on board with Kylo turning but i still don’t give a damn about him compared to so many other characters. why does this movie treat him like a child when he’s almost 30? i really wish he wasn’t the focus of Rey’s storyline, I want Rey to be the focus of her own storyline. I want her relationships with Finn and Leia to be moved to the forefront. I want her to interact with people who aren’t white men

my one consolation is that Rey didn’t go with Kylo at the end, and she didn’t buy his bullshit about her not being important to anyone but him, because that was a gross thing to say and she has multiple people who care about her for real and aren’t just projecting their trauma and insecurities onto her 

one of the reasons I loved TFA so much was the strength and depth of the relationship between Finn and Rey. That was the emotional heart of the NT for me and i didn’t expect them to interact much in this movie but their relationship was shoved aside way more than it needed to be. i do ship them romantically, but whether they get together or not i want their relationship to continue to be a big part of the story, and whoever wrote this movie clearly didn’t think that was a priority. 

as much as a loved Rose and Kelly Marie Tran’s performance, Finn/Rose makes me sad. after what i personally saw onscreen in TFA, this movie felt like a reylo fanfic where the author pushed one half of my OTP aside and gave him a new love interest to get him out of the way of their OTP.

Finn, who was one of my favorite (if not my favorite) characters in TFA, just didn’t get much depth in this movie. I really enjoyed most of his storyline while I was watching it, but the more i think about it the more disappointed i get. his desertion plotline was the most compelling part of TFA for me and this movie didn’t have any kind of satisfying emotional follow-up to that; his fight with Phasma was cool to watch but ultimately hollow, and i’m not pleased that she died after getting maybe ten minutes total of screentime in the whole series. Where is my stormtrooper uprising? where is Finn continuing to grapple with the trauma of his past? i guess i can hope that ep. 9 gives me some of this, but i’m nervous now. 

This movie left me with a lot of pressing questions, like where the fuck is Jessika Pava? i guess i’m supposed to assume she died somewhere offscreen but that’s super unfair to her as a character, until i get some confirmation i’ll just hope that she was off on a mission somewhere during the First Order attack on the base and will rejoin the Resistance when she can  

and this is getting its own separate list because i have a lot to say about it:

structural/worldbuilding problems i have with the new trilogy that began in TFA and that TLJ only exacerbated

one of my least favorite things in TFA was the part where the First Order blew up the Hosnian System, where the New Republic government was based. Planetary destruction is a potential anxiety trigger for me personally, so i found the fact that it was included in TFA on a larger scale than in ANH both upsetting and derivative. i also didn’t think that movie explored the aftermath of such a massive disaster adequately, and i think it did an even worse job than ANH did exploring Leia’s reaction to the destruction of Alderaan. 

TLJ, rather than taking any time to rectify this problem, gives the viewer no specific information about the destruction of Hosnian Prime and its effects on other Republic worlds. instead we get “The New Republic has fallen and the First Order controls everything.” i’m sorry, what? the New Republic is (presumably) very large, and while the destruction of the Senate must have been a massive blow, what the hell is happening on the Republics hundreds of member planets? did they all just roll over and submit to the First Order without putting up a fight? because that’s sure as hell not what happened after the destruction of the Old Republic. and how is the First Order even ruling anybody? they don’t seem to have set up any kind of new central government (which the Empire did pretty much immediately when it rose to power) and all of the First Order’s top leadership is busy personally pursuing the Resistance. 

The prequel trilogy and the Clone Wars show dedicate hours and hours of time detailing the events that led up to the fall of the Old Republic, a sprawling and complex institution whose members cannot be pacified overnight even by someone as powerful as Palpatine. Surely the New Republic is no less massive and diverse - i understand that it’s not the focus of these new movies but they really can’t give the audience a single detail? afaik there isn’t even much supplemental material where i can go to find this information, and i’m mad about it. 

i also have a million questions about the Jedi and Luke’s school and i don’t know where to find this information in new canon because it sure isn’t in the movies at all. Luke comes out of ROTJ knowing basically nothing about the Jedi’s history and philosophy - does he study them after the war? what does he decide to adopt, and what does he ignore? he’s obviously invested enough in the label to keep calling himself a Jedi, but what does being a Jedi mean to Luke Skywalker? also, what the fuck happened to the students who left with Kylo after he destroyed the school? 

this complaint has a lot to do with the fact that i’m very invested in the Clone Wars and Rebels cartoons, maybe more invested than i am in the movies right now. i don’t expect my favorite cartoon characters to appear in the movies, and i understand the desire to keep the movies highly accessible for people who don’t engage in other Star Wars media. BUT. to me it felt like TLJ went out of its way to severely limit the scope of the kind of stories that could potentially be told outside the movies in the NT era. 

I’m going to make a lot of comparisons here with the OT, because the OT also sticks closely to a few core characters and has a narrower narrative focus than the prequels, but it does so in a way that leaves a lot of room for additional stories. The Rebel Alliance is big and sprawling and has lots of bases and cells and operatives who exist perfectly well alongside the main action even though they never appear onscreen. this openness allowed for later stories like Rebels and Rogue One to exist unhindered. but the world of TLJ has no such openness - we are told that this is the Resistance’s only base, that the 400 people who evacuate and the handful of people who actually survive the movie are all that remains of the organization. there’s some vague talk of allies in the Outer Rim, but we have no idea how closely tied to the Resistance they are and none of them seem willing to respond to an urgent call for help. unlike the Rebel Alliance, the story of the Resistance is a small story that will never be bigger (though i hope to god one of the groups of “Outer Rim allies” is some sort of offshoot of the Free Ryloth movement, because if there’s one thing i know about the Ryloth of the last several decades is that it never fails to resist oppression). 

similarly (and to me, even more distressing) is the way this movie handles the possibility of a Jedi remnant. there are a few lines in the OT about Luke or Yoda or whoever being the last of the Jedi, but that hasn’t stopped Star Wars from telling canon stories about other Order 66 survivors who are engaging with the Force on their own. these people can exist during the Empire’s last days without interfering with Luke’s story - the galaxy is a big place, and with Palpatine in charge it makes sense for them all to be in hiding. but wouldn’t they have come out of hiding during the New Republic and tried to find each other? i don’t want to believe that every possible ex-Jedi or former padawan or hidden Force user secretly developing their talents died before TFA. even if Ahsoka is really dead or ascended to some other plane of existence, even if Kanan dies in the Rebels finale, what about Ezra? are they going to kill him, too? what about surviving Jedi like Jocasta Nu or Quinlan Vos? what about kids who realized they were Force-sensitive during Imperial rule, like Dhara Leonis or Jai Kell? obviously i don’t mind these characters not being included in the movies, but i want a movie-verse that doesn’t make it impossible for them to exist and continue to have stories of their own. i don’t want Luke to be the only person who tried to develop his powers after the Empire fell, or who tried training a new generation of Force users.

[wholockedcumberwumber]

Welcome to the Shadows ~ Part 3

Part One  Part Two

Author’s Note: the picture i found when i googled AHS Coven House. i plan to introduce Queenie Somewhere in Part 4 since i didn;t have her here. My Fave coven Members are Misty and Queenie

“I still don’t understand why i am here. I understand that ou want to give Kyle a job renovating your property but I.......” she gets up because she was startig to feel antsy and she goes over to the mantle somethign felt like it didn’t belong there.  

She picks up small object “The energy coming from this. It belonged to someone who died a violent death and i see a beach.” she drops the item on the floor “The face that pop into my head looked like Kyle.” 

Cordelia looked at her “that is hte reason you are here. You were blocking your emotions and your Paternal grandmother’s Family is related to a witch known to have lived during the Salem Witch Hunts.” she paused “Before she passed Away Josette contacted us. Well actually the high council and said she sensed you had powers. I think your emotional trauma forced the powers into hibernation.”  she picked up the small metalit object “this is connected to mass shooting in LA . in 1994.”

Kyle Looked at the older woman “Miss Foxx. Are you offering her spot on the high council.”

Cordellia “Specificially i am hiring her to be be my representative at vents in other cities. I know she can sense spirits and astrol project. She is an empath. it is probably the reason she is more comfortable a home.”

“Part of the reason.” she said “If you really think i can do this, Ms. Foxx. I will take hte Job. I want to start a charity one day but i need to learn to deal with people first.”

Lucy looked at Zoe. and Zoe looked down She recognized her vaguely from the events surrounding the accident.

Kyle “Where is the bathroom?”  MIsty shows him to the bathroom

“You were at the party that Night.” she said as she looked at Zoe after Kyle left. when Zoe, Queenie and Cordelia had came into the room she had vaguel recognized them. 

Zoe “I thought you looked vaguely Familiar. Aside from all the memorials for the victims.”  she wanted to tell someone but she was afraid of what would happen if she did “Kyle is very fortunate to have you in his life.”

_______________________________

Kyle “Have I ever told you about the last time before the party i remember going out with my friends.” he sat next to lucy on their couch. Lucy’s grandmother had decided to move to Florida and she had given them her house. 

“You haven’t. I think you tried once but their deaths were too fresh and you started crying.” she cuddles into his shoulder as he started to talk.

“Well some of the guys wanted to get tattoos. and the radio was playing Toto.” he looked at her as his mind drifted back to that day. they had been his family. his father had left when he was a kid.. BY the time he ha finished the story he was smiling and hugging her 

“I am so glad you finally made it through the story wuthout crying.”  She rested her head against his. she giggled as they fell back onto the couch 

“Let’s go to our bedroom.” they had slowly beed redecoratign the master bedroom, a short time later  “Let’s just cuddle. What did Miss Foxx’s council member tell you while i was upstairs.”

“We promised not o keep secrets but i don’t want to ruin your memory of your friends. She said  three of your frat brothers attacked her friend and the one in question had hte power of telekinesis and sh caused the bus to flip.” she said “she also told me that while everyone was trying to figure out who the next Supreme was that person in question died.” 

“It is okay Lucy at least i understand it now. I:ve been tryign to figure out why my friends died. I am not saying this was justification but as they say Karma is a bitch. I suppose the scales balanced out in the end. those firdt few nights i had dreams that i was on the bus.”  he said

“thiose were the nights you woke up screaming and couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“I was glad you were there on those night where i had hard time sleeping.” he looked at her “you never have told me how you got that scar in the middle of your forehead.”

“In the fourth grade i was walking in the space between the school cafetria and hte main building and tripped and split my forehead open.”

“I remember that.  You were that girl who kept to herself on the playground in elementary school. I always wanted to talk to you but i was never sure if you were afraid of people or not.”

“that was shortly after My mother and I came to New Orleans. i was afraid to talk to people.” she reaches over onto the nightstand and grabs the phot album that sits there.  “these are photos of me from newborn through the third grade i think.” he looks through hte photo 

“so you’ve had the same pretty eyes and hair since you were born. If i wasnlt avoiding Alicia i would get my photos and show them to you.” Kyle said.

She placed her hand on his cheek “All in good time all we can do is make our own memories. I heard somewhere that it takes 5 good experiences to erase bad one. All we need to do it create good memories.” 

“Let’s create memory now?” he whispered in her ear as he placed the photo album on the nightstand “You are the only light in my life.” he said 

after they were done making love for a few hours “Now i am hungry.” she aid smiling as she slipped on shear top that she only wore when they werenlt planning on goign somewhere “I will be right back “

“You look sexy in that how come you never wear it outside the house.”

“I don’t want to.” she truns about 15 minutes later with snack “Here you go.” 

He took the tray from her and held it untilshe sat on the bed “Have you ever thought about marirage as general topic.” 

“No. Not much intil we started Dating.  Leo convinced me no one would want me after finding about what he had done.”   once Lucy finds out about Zoe’s powers she would have brief momnt where she would debate asking Zoe to  Seduce Leo. But that would would happen later on. 

“That’s wrong. You are sexy and i love you.” he caressed her cheek.

____________________________

“Make sure these young ladies know you’re not single. Because i don’t want my handsome boyfriend having a bunch of girls hovering around him.” they had decided to accept the job Offer after thinking about it for a few days.

Misty looked at Lucy “Here have one of my shawls. you need somethign to make you look little less nervous.” she knew what it felt like to be unlike the other members of the Coven. She felt like it was necessary to watch over Lucy “I need to run Errands for Lady Cordellia i will be back later if you need a place to decompress. the green house is calming.”

Lucy Sighed “Be careful, Misty.” she said, as she was sitting i nthe kitchen drinking a soda Kyle sat next to her

“I can’t figure out hw to get this many people to fit comfortable i nthe school without tearing down the house and rebuilding it from the foundations.” 

“Maybe the answer isn;t changing hte house itself but designing furning that allows the room to hold more people.” Lucy said “You will figure it out Kyle. You are studyign to be a nebineer you are clearly brilliant or Lady Cordelia Wouldn’t have hired you.” 

“You look uncomfortable.” He said as he started thinking. Double duty furniture, her suggestion had actually been brilliant idea.

“i was a little nervous about how i should dress to work here and i am little over dressed and now i am hot.” Lucy explained she smiled “I think i remember seeing you at school dance freshman year in high school you were kind fo hyper.” 

Flash back about 8 years ago at the high school, Lucy had been told to go because it was landmark event she was a wallflower and the only thing that had made it interesting was when two girls had gotten into  fight and a cute guy with cuirly hair who had looked a little out of place had started dancing.

Kyle “Par-tay!” he said as he continued dancing, he  had seen Lucy out of hte corner of his eye. before he could speak to her she had left.  He went outside to cool off and looked around “Is that girl my imagination. i swear i saw her in elementary school too.”

At her grandmother’s house....

“How was the Dance Sweetie?”

“Fine I just got bored. i am going upstairs, to read, before i go to bed.” she hugs her grandmother. 

Present Day.....

“I remember that Night i had  half convinced myself you were something in my imagination.” that had been before her mother had met Leo. After that everythign would change but would end with Lucy and Kyle being together 

“until you and i started Dating i only went to school and work and then went home and hte support group.” after he moves the tray off the bed she straddles his lap “i am so glad i went to the support group. the first time i looved in your deep brown eyes i knew i was going to be safe there.”

He smiled at her “I remember durign the first meeting you just sat in the corner and no one thought you were paying attention.” he said “ou never have said why your parents got divorced.”

“Quentin Collins is slave to his hormones. I love my dad but, mom caught him in the kitchen making out with one of the maids.” she said “I am surprised i donlt have any other younger siblings.” she said and she paused

“My dad sent me his journals. It seems like he was self destructive. and his brother didn’t like him very much.”

“is that what you were reading when i came home from school the other day?”

She grinned “You Called it home. that’s the first time you;ve called it that since we started living here last month.” she paused “Yes. I never pictures my dad as soeone who keeps a journal.” she paused “he specifically sent me hte journals he kept when i was a baby. My mom was only 17 when i was born so when she went back to get her GED he took me to college with him and he refused to leave me in the campus daycare so he took me to class with him.” 

he grinned as she spoke “You like reading the journals of your relatives because you understad them a little better i can see it in your eyes.”  he started yawning they were unware that they had beentalking for two or three hours “we should robably get some sleep. you have classes in the afternoon and i need to work on my plans for renovations at the school

To Be Continued........

[sending-the-message]

My wife and I are being stalked by a psychiatric patient from my paramedic days. Help! by thinkscotty

First, I have no idea how something like this happens to me. I went to a pretty tame Christian college in the Chicago suburbs. I come from a normal, well-off family and live a docile life working for a charity. All that said, here’s what’s up.

After college I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so I decided to do something “exciting” and become an EMT. Only, as anyone who’s been an EMT will tell you, you don’t start off doing the “fun stuff”. You have to put in your hours as a private medic driving nursing home patients to the hospital when they slip and fall or when they get pneumonia. You also have to drive psychiatric patients to the ER or psych ward when they become suicidal or combative. So that’s where all this starts.

I worked for a private ambulance company with contracts with facilities all over the Chicago area. Here's a picture of me in my EMT days, for anyone who cares. I'm not a great looking guy so I never thought a stalker would follow me. It's just surreal.

Anyway, my partner Tim and I pulled up for a completely routine call at a nursing home in northern Chicago. The whole facility is psychiatric patients - people who have severe mental illnesses and can’t care for themselves but who are “stable” for the most part. There are people of all ages there, and most of them have been mostly abandoned by their friends and family because of their illnesses. It’s actually really sad and it’s one of the reasons I went into charity work - but I’ll get to that in a bit.

It was pretty cold that night so we got inside as quickly as possible. These places smell bad, like body odor and cafeteria food, so we wanted to get out as quickly as possible too. The patient was sitting there right by the front nurse’s station, which was weird - they are usually in their rooms. She was young and actually kind of pretty if you could get past the disheveled hair and cheap, dirty clothes.

Her name (a pseudonym) was Mary, and she had severe depression (among other things). That night she’d tried to kill herself for the hundredth time (probably) by literally diving down a concrete staircase. Her forehead was bleeding, but by the time we got there she seemed pretty calm and the nurses had her bandaged. Still, we had to put her on a backboard in case she had a spinal injury from the fall, and we put her on oxygen just in case. She didn’t answer any questions or make any eye contact either, so we couldn’t determine her level of consciousness, which can be concerning for a head trauma patient. Mary wouldn’t say a thing, wouldn’t acknowledge our existence, wouldn’t help us by moving - we had to lay her on the floor and roll her onto the backboard without any help from her. Whatever, we’ve seen it before.

That day, I was riding in the back of the ambulance, caring for the patient while my partner drove. I was pretty sure Mary was fine, but since we couldn’t determine her level of consciousness I asked Tim to use lights and sirens to get to the ER, which we wouldn’t normally do. This was at like 2 AM so it wouldn’t make much difference, but I wanted to be done with this call.

We were like halfway to the hospital. I was filling out paperwork sitting on the bench beside Mary, and as normal, taking her vitals every few minutes. While writing, I suddenly felt a hand on my thing, rubbing me gently. I pulled away and looked up at the patient. She was still staring straight up at the ceiling, her neck collar holding her head still, but she was smiling this really huge smile. Her hand followed me and kept rubbing. Instead of saying anything (this was a psych patient after all and they do strange things) I just moved to the seat behind her where she couldn’t see me. Then, just a minute later or so, she started making a really weird groan. Well, that’s the best sound for it, but it was not a normal sound. I moved back to the bench and asked if she was okay. She didn’t answer. But she reached back for me and so I jerked away and went back to the seat behind her. We were almost at the hospital anyway. Then she made a really loud, similar groan and a few second later I heard dripping from the stretcher. In short, she peed her pants. Like, a massive amount of pee.

Well, cleaning up the ambulance was a normal thing, so however creepy that was I just ignored it. But she continued to make these really weird sounds, so much that I worried she really was injured. But that smile on her face and the way she’d rubbed my thigh...it was just all really weird.

We dropped her off at the ER without further incident, except the nurses being pissed at us for bringing in a patient covered in urine. Just one of many strange calls I ran in those days.

I saw her several more times at the same psychiatric home. But believe it or not that wasn’t the weirdest of my patients - not at all - so I’d kind of forgotten about her in time.

Three years later, I’d just finished graduate school and was working at a nonprofit training people about interacting with people with mental illness (see my AMA, which was on the front page last year).

I used a lot of volunteer speakers for my programs, people with mental illness who told their stories to audiences and answered questions. It was important work, especially since we were doing a lot of work with police departments training them about how to keep situations from turning bad. Seriously, it was a really great project.

One day, I had a volunteer interview. Guess who showed up? Yep, it was Mary. I recognized her immediately, even though she was very cleaned up and put together. She recognized me too. She said, “I remember you helping me at (insert psych home name here). I’ve always remembered that.” Which was a bit weird since she was so out of it that night, but whatever. She really seemed like a different person and wanted to speak to audiences about her mental illness to help them better understand. With some reservations, I trained her to become one of our speakers. Her showing up at my work was a coincidence - but after all, I was in the same area and was working with people with mental illness, so it wasn’t THAT strange. I was working very closely with many people with severe mental illnesses, so the strange behavior that night on the paramedic call I'd simply written off as a psychotic episode, not indicative of the "real" Mary. I don't want this story to make anyone think people with mental illness are "bad", only that they need more help. Anyhow.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS WEIRD!

My wife and I lived in a cheap apartment by a train station. Like RIGHT by the train station, one of the Metra lines. And I’d see Mary there like seriously all the time. She said she was commuting to her home in downtown Chicago, which made sense because that’s where the train led. But she was there on days when she wasn’t volunteering too. She said she was going to school at a nearby community college, so I guess it made sense. But a couple of times a month I’d see her there out our window at the train station at weird times, like the middle of the night or the very early morning, and always where I could see her sitting even though most of the benches were hidden by the station building. I didn’t really think much of it, just thought it was strange. Then again, Mary was obviously strange so...whatever. I’m a big guy, an ex college lineman, and I don’t get scared easily. It freaked my wife out a little more, but not enough to say anything or look into it further.

A few months later, though, my wife had a note on her windshield in the morning. It was stuck under her windshield wiper. It didn’t say anything except one word: LEAVE. She kind of freaked out and I didn’t blame her, but I thought it was maybe someone who put it on the wrong car. I didn’t connect it with Mary. Why would I? I gave her some pepper spray and walked her out to the car if it was dark, but we didn’t really do anything else about it.

We kind of forgot about it until almost 6 months later. There was another note. This one said, “leave him hes not right for you.” That made me angry and creeped us out a lot. We called the police but they didn’t care very much.

Just later that week, we started getting woken up at night by a bump on our windows every once in awhile. Our cats would jump up and run to the windows but it was just a “thud” on the window in the next room, and nothing ever happened. I did notice that it only happened on nights that it rained, so I thought it was related to that possibly. But finally I decided enough was enough and put up one of those wifi security cameras outside our door and covering that window. I also put a dash camera in each of our cars, the battery powered kind that records when the car is off. I basically had to at that point, my wife was so freaked out.

The cameras on the cars never caught anything. But the one on our back porch did. One night I heard a “thump” and got up quickly to look out the window, but there wasn’t anything. It was dark and raining so I didn’t want to go outside. I logged into the security camera site and re-wound to the time the thump would have happened. It was a red water balloon. I saw the thing bounce off the window and break on the concrete.

Very weird, but it was something tangible finally. We called the cops again, and they were a little more interested. They thought it was probably just some kids or someone messing with us, but given the notes, I didn’t think so. It happened twice more in the next month, before our lease was up, a red water balloon each time. The last time it happened I went outside with pepper spray, and I immediately smelled urine. I suspect there was pee in the balloons though I could be wrong. We moved immediately after our lease was up and didn’t tell anyone where our new address was (except for friends and family, obviously) and registered the place under my parent’s name. We were seriously creeped out.

Around that time, Mary stopped by my office and started chatting nicely with me. She asked where I’d moved to, which in hindsight was strange because only a few people in the office knew we’d moved. I didn’t tell her our address, but told her the town. She said, “Oh my friends live in that town, which street are you on?” I didn’t tell her the street but did tell her it was close to a nearby hospital. Incidentally, I also changed jobs around that time but it was unrelated to Mary or the stalking.

Two months later, my wife came in and woke me up very distressed. She’d been leaving for work and found her car window was covered in ice (nothing else was). Yellow ice. It was urine. Maybe from an animal, I thought, but there sure was a lot of it. The car camera hadn’t captured anything, probably because it was below its operating temperature. But in the ice was written a note: “leave!”.

This was like a couple of weeks ago.

After that, we installed three more cameras and had a company put in an alarm system.. Within a couple days, I saw her: Mary. And all these weird incidents became clear. She pulled up in a car across the street and just sat there for hours, from like 2-5AM, just sitting there. The camera records her getting out of the car and walking up to our front door and looking in for like 10 minutes. That was seriously disturbing footage. We called the cops and showed them the footage. After telling them everything that had happened and them cross-checking with the department in our first town, they issued an arrest warrant for her for trespassing (they said there wasn’t enough for a stalking or harassment case). But she was never caught. We keep checking in with the police, but they say she has no known address and she’s stopped going to her job or volunteering or anything. She also doesn’t have a car, so she just be borrowing one from somewhere.

I’m writing this now because something just happened again. We woke up last night to the cats meowing and staring out the rear window. We looked in the footage again, and there she was: walking down our alley, looking in our windows, and finally, pulling down her pants and peeing on our back porch. I’m just in shock and my wife is about to go crazy. I have NO idea what to do. Obviously we’ve got a real security system setup now with cameras and alarms everywhere. My wife has to sprint into the house now when she gets home from fear. The police are driving past our house a few times a night. But unless they get lucky, for now we feel helpless.

I don’t know what to do.

EDIT: She was just here. I called the cops and they're searching the area. I'll update as I can.

[autumn-kitten]

Alright so life right now is kinda hell and today was just such a shit day on top of whats been going on lately. Its been a rough two months and I’ve been more miserable today than I have in a year or so, and on top of this my mother, whO IS NOW STAYING WITH ME FOR SOME REASON, comes back from her marriage counselling just now and now is apparently a pro when it comes to BPD? The counsellor told her she thinks, based on my paRENTS’ DESCRIPTION AND HAVING NEVER ACTUALLY MET MY SISTER, that my sister has BPD. Which, okay, whatever. I’ve suspected it, who knows. so my mom goes and reads, she tells me, three different articles, and now shes an “expert”. Her findings? People will BPD are “evil”, “horrible people” and like all this really damaging stuff? and need I remind you, mother, that I have BPD? shes fucking projecting all these negative traits shes seen in my sister into the disorder, AND, yes maybe there are some accuracies here in the symptoms, I still think she was reading some biased fucking articles. 

I try to like, give my point of view, since she’s just tearing into ANYONE that has bpd even though she KNOWS I have it, and she tells me I dont know anything and that “Well, I read that _______”. Okay sorry, forgive me, liviing with BPD for years obviously means I have less knowledge on it than someone that never cared to look into it when it was first suggested that I had BPD and now has read three (3) articles on it. 

Oh and miss expert is like “well your father and I must have some recessive gene bc no one in our family history has that but the kids do, i read it can also be related to enviroment but I know that’s not it (laughs)” HAH YEAH BECAUSE MEGAN AND I HAD THE HAPPIEST, MOST TRAUMA FREE FUCKING CHILDHOOD MHM YEAH dont fucking KID yourself, or do you truly believe its a coincidence that your only two children are both extrememly mentally dysfunctional? It’s just some weird bad luck? You two had nothing to do with it? Megan calls me crying all the time asking why we had to have childhoods like we did, she tells me she hates that stuff she couldnt control because she was a kid is what has “fucked her up”. but yeah, must be some weird gene that skipped every known ancestor we have. okay. I have tried, so so hard, to rebuild my relationship with my mother. I went from using a different last name and not talking to any of my relatives to actually going to family events and making an effort with everyone. But this kind of thing is really frustrating. Made better by the fact that this morning she was INCREDIBLY disrespectful to me, and it makes me realize that though often lately she treats me like an adult (/not quite as an equal, but something more than “inferior, stupid, mentally ill child that is a failure”), when she feels like it, she’ll make me feel just how she did when I was in middle/high school. And it feels the same. Its fucking frustrating, if i had to describe my life right now in one word it would just be frustrating. I just typed out what happened this morning that was so disrespectful but I got too fucking angry and started crying. I am so angry. Every time I think we’ve made progress we havent. I try so hard and she doesnt try for me at all. It’s fucking exhausting. I cannot afford to move right now but I’ve decided I’m going to either way. I cannot handle what it’s like at my house anymore. I feel so fucking foolish for thinking she’d changed at all from when I was a kid.