#maybe it's an overdue essay maybe it's alcohol maybe it's the maybelline
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#delete later#my friend is dead#and her obituary is up and there's a section to offer condolences#and ofc i'm going to write something but it's just#see the thing about shame is that it's lonely and dark#and you wade through it blindly and hitting yourself on edges battered and bruised and but you can't stop#because you have to outrun the thing dogging your heels#maybe it's an overdue essay maybe it's alcohol maybe it's the maybelline#and she knew that she knew it intimately#but the thing about the light at the end of the tunnel is that when you've been running in the dark for so long#the light hurts right like your eyes have to adjust and shit#because you could really hurt yourself with all that light#and my friend - she wasn't the light at the end of the tunnel#she was more like a flickering lighter#smaller. less intense. inviting. and you don't cringe away.#but i can't say all that lmao#because my friend is dead#and a few years ago her brother died too#and that changed the course of her family's life#my friend majored in thanatology in undergrad#the study of death and dying and bereavement#because when she was a little girl her big brother died and she carried that weight all her life#so obviously it gets easier i know it gets easier#because she said so and she was the person we went to for grief#but it feels like a betrayal to someday not hurt this much#and i want to ask her about it right#but i can't#because she's dead#ain't that some shit?
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