#maybe i'll delete this later when shame kicks in

[lenichque]

first class aob cherik thought below

they fall in love pretty quickly with all those late night conversations and chess and stuff, which leads to erik giving charles the claiming bite somewhere during the recruitment trip. which is way too soon by social standards but they just felt such a deep connection with each other that it made them think would never part.

charles only realizes how reckless that was after cuba, when someone sees the mark and asks 'you really allowed the guy that you've known for a couple of weeks bite you???'

cue charles suffering from bond withdrawal on top of all he has to go through between fc and dofp and erik suffering from the same thing in prison.

[toyyy80]

Dear mum,

The forever one sided conversation.

Do you hate me? Is there something I said or did to cause this? you say you love me sometimes yet only mere seconds later you change your mind and wish that I didn’t exist. Do you love my brother because you don’t talk or act like you do? you fight all day long you kick him out and say horrible things. you twist things no other people would consider insults into degrading comments you claim those whose beliefs that differ from yours are evil and need to change to fit your mold. I am afraid you will treat me like him if I tell you what I believe so I put up this ruse that I agree with you 24/7 sometimes I break and i'll tell you what I believe or let it slip and your whole face changes and begin to yell and say horrible things to which I often yell back.

Do you remember when he was mugged? or when I was kidnapped? Irrelevant as it may sound when this happened my body felt frozen over. I couldn’t move by my own free will. Maybe I did move but it didn’t feel as if I was the one doing this I felt almost possessed. I often feel this in our arguments. What it means I don’t know. it’s scary and I know you will never listen to my pleas but please stop screaming if not for my sanity then maybe for everyone’s ears.

Honestly, do you believe me to be a robot? Why do you believe me to not cry? Why is it when I cry you call them crocodile tears? You say I'm acting but do you truly believe me to be that talented? You say I cry to manipulate you yet when I don’t show my emotions and maintain all the composure I can muster I am stonewalling you and am the reason for your suicidal thoughts. Why do you claim to want to kill yourself whenever I disagree? Why did you hold a knife to your stomach claiming I am the reason for your death because I ate a bagel?

You say im anorectic you say that I must eat and I must go downstairs yet you fail to see why I do not go downstairs the fact the kitchen reminds me of your attempted suicide. the door reminds me of all those fights between you and dad and now you and my brother. when he went missing and the desire to leave and run away I have felt the need to do it many times and the feeling of standing outside shoeless without contact to anyone and practicly naked making my journey to my dads as quick as possible hopeing im going to be able stay with him. the sinking feeling of returning and knocking on not knowing how you feel that day leaving the feeling that you may start a fight any second. the living room reminds me of sitting with star and squeak and relaxing only to have you run in fighting with someone and you waving a machete/ax/hammer or some other dangerous weapon while yelling bloody murder. the kitchen doors remind me of you walking in angry and screaming at me it reminds me of hiding on Christmas morning because you and dad were fighting making me never claim christmas a happy day it reminds me of when you destroyed my stuff to teach me a lesson, burning it in the back garden and snapping my phone's in half to stop me calling the police and the times when you would rant about how much someone I love is evil. the hallways remind me of the feeling of you chasing me and tackling me to the ground and the feeling of being utterly powerless against your attacks.

 Hell, the entire house reminds me of these horrible moments the bathroom reminds me of when you suffocated me and wrestled me down leaving bruises all over my legs arms, and back so you could delete a recording of you saying how much you hate me off my phone, it reminds me of wanting to kill myself as I hear screaming outside and always hiding in the unlockable backroom back to the floor for hours hopeing to avoid getting kicked out never knowing when I would be able to return home.to avoid the shame of being unable to go home. the doorway to your room reminds me of you dragging me twisting my ankle then saying you didn’t hurt me despite i couldnt walk for months and stumbled and hoped everywhere and I am a no-good lier it reminds me of all the times that I’ve snuck in your room to try and find my phone to either call the police or call anyone to help and to run and leave. The stairs remind me of all the times you’ve tried to push me down. They remind me of sitting and waiting to see the outcomes of fights or running right back up to my room because I see you in a bad mood. his room reminds me of walking into a screaming match. It reminds me of realizing he is gone.that he me left alone and unprotected. Hell, my room reminds me of being forced to lie on the floor crying as i watch as you destroy my stuff it reminds me of all the times I feel as if you are going to kill me properly this time .it reminds me of the time you destroyed my floorboard with a chair right just inches away from my head, rolling and avoiding the shot after saying you hated me and  I am selfish and I am going to drive you to suicide you still have that chair, it was mine, i painted it, my joy, you can still see the damage on it.. 

Sometimes i wonder if i staved myself for a sebilance of control and stability, or its something more silly. I suppose I just got used to not eating.after you would leave for weeks on end with absolutely no warning so you could go to parties and festivals and do the most horrific things,as we were left with no money to buy food, nothing left in the house and the four of us kids begging him for food, Jim eating a packet of crisps as I sat there hoping.

Why do I want to see you despite being scared and hating you? Why do I miss you yet not wanna see you for reasons even I don’t understand.

Why do you lie? You always twist my own words and opinions to me, my family, and your friends who nod along to every word you say. you lie to me about events in which I was there, police reports of the bruises and broken bones and I think I remember I know you're wrong so much, that sometimes I question my memory and sanity.

Maybe it's Panic attacks? I don’t know how to explain the feeling of my entire body shaking and I can’t exactly feel my limbs but I can feel my nerves? I guess not being able to move yet moving in a way? Almost freezing up and I can’t control it but I can? I have mentioned this before but I just want to understand.

Mum, you had a panic attack once in front of me midway through a fight do you remember?  You told me I was a failure and you were going to kill yourself and I was so worried I followed you then sat down you and started screaming or wailing? I began panicking and called the cops or at least tried then you suddenly stopped screaming and threw the phone across the room . Do you remember that? After you screamed that you were having a panic attack you said I was crazy I don’t know if you remember that but I do I remember it down to the sounds and your facial expression from the numbing of my knees to the heavy pain in my eyes and the shaking I felt and still feel everytime I think of it. I don’t want to remember. I mean it’s not nice but I hope you remember as well so i'm not alone in that.

Do you remember when you kicked  out?it certainly wasn't the first time I was so numb to it by then but its the first i didnt completely block out, you had kicked us both to the streets for as long as I can remember, but this time was different. I remember it so well,I must have been 9 at the time? At first, it was no big deal to me. I am so used to heng you fight. 

Do you remember how you kicked him out? I was begging you not to. I remember the moment I realized he would have to walk across the dangerous parts of town in the dead of night an boy only 11 walking several mile mission. I remember worrying if he was alive sitting on the stairs waiting. I remember thinking that if he died I would as well. When we saw him again I felt so lucky and I still feel grateful to that old lady who saved him.do you even remember that ,a little kid, had walked all through the toughest parts of town shoeless in one of the dodgiest places. Do you remember that because I know he does it doesn’t seem like you remember you passing insults and comments that I know affect him. I've been there while his strong demeanor breaks and he cries because of that.its hard to believe someone so brave and strong like him is capable of breaking like that.

Do you remember when he was mugged? He was so scared and brave and managed to get out of there I remember watching in fear unable to move I remember heng him say they have a gun as we ran away did you know since then  is afraid of the streets at night you should see his face when youd send us kids to run your errands in the dead of night his eyes darting in every direction I worry about him.

On the topic of  do you remember when he tried to kill himself? He’s tried so many times but the one I always wanted to ask you about was the one that happened just down our street you two had just been fighting.  ran down to the motorway and tried to jump out into the road I was crying using all my strength to keep him on the pavement as he begged me to let go which I of course never did.do you remember what you did you stood just a couple of feet away from us yelling that he was faking it and saying that I should let him run out and he deserved it do you remember doing it your face was so calm so true at the time I remember you later saying you meant it. Do you still?

I don’t remember what happened after that happened very well but I remember I never did sigh a sigh of relief. I know I never did tell you but that was around the time  started saying that I was the only reason he stayed in this family and he would have killed himself a long time ago without me. That hurt to be honest because I never want  to die yet he would if I do. And unfortunately, mum, I want to die.i don't think I want to stop living, I love life I just never want to live the life I have, I want so desperately to change the life I have.

For as long as I can remember you have wished to die because of your childhood because of my dad but most of all me and  you say this so much I know it’s true it has to be true. you say it when you confide in me and every time you’re angry or having a mental breakdown (which let's be honest is often) you sometimes say things such as I wish you were never born and you’ve been corrupted which hurts I hate every time you say that I know s has grown numb to your words and the pain and perhaps I have as well but can you please stop saying it although it might be too late as in my head your words echo whenever they so desire.

It like im out with friends and we’re having fun and then boom I suddenly hear you screaming it at me I remember the events of my life as if I am living through it all over again then suddenly I am thrown into this bad mood and have to start acting to them that im still in a good mood.it luckily doesn’t happen often but when it does it fucking sucks.i got told I appear to just stare on the outside, one of my friends said it's positively terrifying but I'm glad it isn't so obvious, I would hate to worry everyone or make a fool of myself for not being stronger.

Why do you think I don't have trauma?

Why have you never considered that I might be suicidal?

Do you really think ive never tried?

I know I will never admit it aloud that I'm depressed and suicidal and a little bit fucked up all around  however against all I wish I am so please stop talking to me as if i'm the perfect one.as if I'm the only one in my family who's never suffered.

Maybe I would tell you but to be honest I don't really remember I wonder why?

Hey mum we haven't talked in a while,

I haven't seen you in months and heard from you in weeks.

I wonder what you're doing. I worry everyday that you may just leave this world and the last thing I said was sorry.

While we have been apart I've been thinking of some memories we share.

Such as the weekend that huw williams went missing you spent the entire time leaning on me for support telling me things I did not want or need to know telling horrific things from your childhood.

You did this for two days in a row. No sleep, no breaks for food or the toilet.

You traped me on your bed as you both seeked guidance and to put my life experiences down you spoke as if I am so fucking perfect and the few times you did speak on anyone but yourself.

You said I would have been killed in the holocaust then laughed about how you wouldve lived and they would have liked you.

I chose to return from my escape of 13, to try and support you and I never complained, I never said it was too much. I never let my tears fall. I braved it for you.i canceled my life plans for you at every turn I wanted to be a good daughter, maybe fix you and smoothen out your rough sides.

So why when I needed to just leave to go to school after days if missing it did you start yelling at me.

Why did you start to call me uncng saying I never supported you why did you start saying I am selfish and that I am just like my dad.

But what got me most was how you phased the nights before saying that you were comforting me that you were the one who listens to my problems when you don't even know my problems. You said I need to be more like you. But all you do is run around acting like you help with all of everyone's problems but you never help you just diagnose everyone like you're an expert.

Hugs there are kinda complicated to me. I used to love to just hug everyone regardless of what's going on but within the last couple of years i've been pretty scared of your hugs I mean sometimes you straight up tackle me to the ground in the middle of a fight after you calmly ask for a hug and tbh I don't trust you I feel as though you may just slam me into a wall again.but I know you get very hurt when I say I don't want to hug you so I will suck up my feelings and hug you but please stop attacking me in the middle of a hug.

I'm trying to trust people again, trying to go back to the hugs that once brought comfort it's a slow journey, but I feel improvement.i still don't know if I trust you but maybe one day I can hug you and feel loved like I've always dreamed.

 Say one word a simple hi  then you say 282 words each one trying to bring me down in an more insulting hurtful and degrading way then the last. Hurdling hundreds of messages sent my way that you delete within the hour, calling scream down the phone wether laughter or crying or angry, is often inditiciseable.

You cridicise everything from my friends to my words and somethimes my fucking face and my weight how ugly my body is.

Then you ask why I never say hi why I never want to even talk to you with more and more insults the more I take it.

To be honest I hold my tongue to you I can't say the words I wish I could say I wish I could show you that i'm not the only one who can speak with pure venom in my tongue but I don't because I know how much it hurts to hate yourself due to the words that your own flesh and blood say. And im frankly scared.

I've not seen you in months now. I hope soon I will not stay awake till the early hours feng you. says we might see you today and ever since I've been sick to the stomach.

I almost convinced myself you managed to get into my dad's house and was in my room earlier. It's kinda what set me up tonight. Maybe I am crazy.

I think I've had enough….sorry

So you were recently imprisoned.

They haven't quite locked you up for good but there trying they have searched the house called it a "scene" kicked out animals to the curb.

 interviewed me and  with question after question about hue.All to figure out if you killed him in cold blood.now personally I think you are innocent but a small voice in my head is asking did you do it? It's not like you've never tried to kill someone, not like I've never seen someone die.

What happened that night? Where did he go, did he leave on his own or did you do something?

I just wish I knew what happened.

I wish I could understand you, your sweet words enticing me to be tricked into your trap, forced to calmly and maturely not cause a fight when every word you say is loaded to trigger a fight, to trigger you making yourself mad. And only one person doesn't lose and that's you, all those around however.

It's been a long time now. Each time we speak you guiltrip me, attempt to swindle me into believing the lies you carefully weave together.

When I say what you've done, the look of horror in peoples faces will never cease to surprise me with how normal you make it seem, when the simple stories I find funny lends to someone's suffering I don't know what to think or say, to comfort them or my younger self? 

I see children so pure and innocent, there eyes shine with so much love for the world, I just want to protect them and keep them happy and safe. How did you do the things you did to someone so small, someone so young. Why did you dominate your strength and your power over something so frail?

Young kids with there big naive eyes, are so sweet, so innocent i cant imagine wishing to hurt them

Why do you still insist I deserved it, was I really that bad? I just wanted to be loved by my mother. To have a happy life. I love you so much it just hurts, your cookies you’d cook at three in the morning while smoking weed, they were absoluely devine, the love you showed lexi, you know she really looked up to you, and the way youd curse her mum out for the very sins you commit, your devotion to animals, knowlede of plants, as youd guide me through the world of animals and plants, the way youd always try your hardest to be loved, the way youd cry when i made you food, as i gave you silly little gifts, when you felt loved, i feel great sympathy for your struggle, your mental health is not something id wish on my worst enemy, your parents fucking abused you and you had two kids and a shit realationship at such a young age. You royaly fucked up on so many levels, but i can see the effort. We both just wanted to be loved my our mothers.

 Love you, your bugs

[redgokus]

I was SO conflicted to send this then you said MORE NSFW REQUESTS and I said now I HAVE to send this. Maybe something along the same lines of Yandere!Kyo, but he HAS to take you from behind? Maybe he likes lording over you like that, holding your face in the pillow? 🙈🙈 (maybe use those manilla ropes, too...)(im so sorry if this is a dumbass request i'll hide in shame feel free to delete)

A/N: (whistles discreetly) so... read the warnings with this one LMAO. 

First Part

Song Pick of the Day: Ugo / The Dead Pirates

Warnings: Yandere, Rough Anal Sex, Degrading, Dubcon, This Is Not Nice

--- --- ---

You have your good days and your bad days. Predictably, Kyojurou likes the days where you’re good the most. It just makes sense. 

Those are the days when you’re obedient and docile. You let Kyojurou coo over you and love you all he wants until he’s had his fill, and you don’t complain when he feeds you and cleans you. He doesn’t trust you enough yet to let you off the bed and into the shower, so for now, the two of you have made do with removing the sheets on the bed while Kyojurou cleans your body with a warm rag. He does this every other day with gentle, loving hands- because your cleanliness is important for your physical and mental health, and he wouldn’t want you feeling uncomfortable at all!

Besides the ache of your wrists and occasionally your ankles. You both will have to just live with that.

Your bad days though- those are rough. Filled with shouting, cursing, fighting, and lots of bleeding on your part and occasionally on his if you manage to land a hit on him. All couples fight, and he understands your violence based on the situation you’re in, but he’s already looking forward to the future where you stop looking at him with such hatred as you try to bite his fingers off. 

Kyojurou tries to warn you. Your first warning is always the rope- fine silk changing to rough manila as he binds your hands to the bed frame. Another warning is when he ties down your ankles. He warns you because he doesn’t ever want to hurt you- and yet, regardless of his care and his effort to keep you unharmed, you continue to push, push, push. 

All your limbs are tied down on the bed as Kyojurou rests his hip against the dresser while you scream and yell as he looks at his nails with disinterest. He told you a long time ago that the room was soundproof, but somehow you’re still convinced that if you’re loud enough, someone will hear you- save you. Save you from what?

Kyojurou? The man who loves you so much? 

Eventually, you start taunting him, cursing him. This is typical and expected since Kyojurou is out of reach; the only way you can harm him is with your words, and you’re especially determined to do so today. And, unknown to you- yes, it does hurt. When you insult his mother for giving birth to him, call him an awful son and brother, wishing for him to perish in hell- yes, those words hurt. Being in such a loving relationship to a spiteful one was a rough transition; Kyojurou remembers when you used to love him as much as he loves you. 

You still love him, but things are just different now. You’re going through a phase. Kyojurou keeps his face calm and stoic as he reminds himself of this while you yell at him- it’s just one of your bad days. That’s all.

Yes… Kyojurou clears his throat and quells down his anger by clenching his jaw and tapping harshly on the dresser with his fingers. Just a bad day. 

His eyes drift to his watch eventually. He had promised himself that another punishment would come if you kept it up for an hour today, and you’re only seven minutes away from that mark. As he looks up to your face, still full of hot hatred, Kyojurou decides that you’re probably not going to stop anytime soon. So he’ll forgive himself later for being a little hasty as he takes two strides toward the bed. 

Kyojurou’s sudden movement seems to startle you, your threats going quiet as you stare at him. When his hands go for your ankles, you flinch- and yeah, that kind of hurts his feelings too, but he’ll live with it- and then you gape as he undoes the knot tying you to the bed. 

“Wh- what are you doing?” 

You keep your eyes on him as he moves to the other side of the bed, untying your other ankle. Despite your minor freedom, you don’t move to kick him, and Kyojurou takes note of that- that’s good, and deserves a reward. 

So he’ll fuck you a little less rough than planned. Maybe he’ll let you breathe. 

When Kyojurou walks up to the head of the bed, undoing the rope of your wrist and then leaning over your head to do the other, he feels you trembling. “Kyojurou, what are you doing?” You try to keep your voice firm and stable, but he hears it. He hears the fear in your tone, as much as you try to hide it. 

For the first time, you are conscious and unbound. Kyojurou keeps the last piece of rope in his hand as he leans away, staring you down with a hard glare. It’s silent in the room- eerily so. 

One second, two… three, four, and then all the way up to ten. Time ticks almost visibly as he stares at you, watching your every movement.

Kyojurou hums after fifteen seconds, nodding shortly. “Good. Do you know what I’m going to do to you now?” It’s the first time he’s spoken to you today since you started your tantrum. The effect he has on you is obvious as you flinch again, your eyes flicking away from his and toward the bed as you curl up defensively. He grunts, his hand moving to your jaw and grabbing it harshly, forcing you to look at his eyes. “I asked you a question.” 

Your own jaw sets as you clench your teeth. “No.” 

Letting go of your face, Kyojurou moves fast enough to startle you, giving you no time to fight back. He forcibly flips you over on the mattress before he settles himself on top of you, placing a knee on your back as he grabs your arms and forces them up. With the same rope from before, he puts your wrists together as you start to scream again, tying them to the bed frame over your head. Your body viciously moves as you try to get him off you, but Kyojurou is much stronger and heavier than you as he puts his weight on your back and makes you choke. Leaning over your ear, he whispers. 

“I’m going to fuck your ass,” he practically purrs as the words seem to make you freeze, “and because you were good just now, I’ll use lube.” Biting your ear, he pulls on it, hard enough to make you yell. “Don’t make me take that back.” 

Your body slacks from beneath him and he smiles, taking off the pressure of his knee on your spine. He hovers for a second, waiting for you to start fighting again, but he’s pleasantly surprised when you stay docile. What a good lover you were- you just needed to be put in your place every so often, that was all. 

“There you are,” Kyojurou sighs, leaning down again to press a kiss on the back of your neck. He’s gentle, soft- for now. As punishment goes, this wasn’t going to be the usual lovemaking you usually had, but for now, he missed you. He takes advantage of your compliance as he peppers loving kisses all along your neck and shoulders, down your back as his hands rub the ache where he pressured his knee against your spine. “There’s my precious baby,” you shiver when his body crawls down yours, still leaving kisses everywhere until he reaches your bottom. 

He grabs one of your cheeks with a firm grip, smiling as he spreads you open. You whimper from above him as you feel his lips meet your entrance. 

“Not yet,” you can feel his hot breath on your skin until he leans away. The sound of a bottle cap opening fills the silence of the room, and then his hands are back on you, fingers tracing the rim of your ass with cool lube coaxing them. Much to Kyojurou’s surprise, you don’t lean away, even from the cold. 

Your ass tilts up as you push against his fingers. Kyojurou can’t help but laugh. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” he purrs as he pushes two fingers in you at once. You groan from the stretch, but he doesn’t give you a recovery period- you asked for this, after all. He fucks you with his fingers deeply as you squirm from under him, choked breathes leaving you every other second. “You’re a fighter, I’ll give you that. But deep down, I know you love me so much, just like I love you.” As he spreads your ass with his fingers, he leans down to kiss the skin of your bottom. When he bites, his teeth sinking in, you gasp. “Either that or you’re a closeted slut who can’t help but enjoy it. I wonder which is worse for you?” 

“I’d rather-” Your face moves as you bite into the pillow next to you, eyes squeezing shut as Kyojurou adds another finger, fucking you ruthlessly. You force your hips to still as you breathe in and out slowly. “I’d rather be a slut than love someone like you.” 

You really loved to fight. Sometimes, Kyojurou wonders if you’re more of a masochist than he is. 

“Alright. If you want to be a slut so bad, then I should just treat you like one.” He removes his fingers from you quickly, and he doesn’t miss the muffled whine you make into the pillow. He scoffs at that, wiping the lube on his fingers off on his pants before he quickly undoes his belt, leaving it around his hips as he pulls the zipper on his pants and takes his cock out. 

Your body tenses as you bring yourself up on your knees, trying to look over your shoulder to meet Kyojurou’s wild eyes. “W-wait- I’m not ready yet-” 

“I thought you wanted to be a slut, baby?” He leans over your body as his prick glides against your ass, his hands tightly holding onto your hips to keep you propped up. “I think a slut can handle what I’m going to do to you.” 

Kyojurou groans as he spreads your cheeks, entering your ass with a full, deep thrust. So, so tight… Perfect. 

“Good, sweetheart, just perfect,” he smacks your ass and you clench up, making him laugh as he begins to thrust. Nothing about it is nice or kind- no, he doesn’t have that patience anymore. And this was punishment, after all. His pace is fast, rough, and deep- his teeth sinking into your shoulder and making you cry out as he fucks you. 

It’s unfortunate that you’re enough of a whore that you’ll always feel good regardless, already moaning into the pillow as Kyojurou roughly pounds his hips against your ass. The metal of his belt hits your thighs, making you whine as your muscles clench from the pain- and that’s just perfect. It feels wonderful around his cock. 

Kyojurou laughs next to your ear. “Feeling good, baby? Even though it’s me?” 

“N-no- fuck!” He slaps your ass again as he pulls his upper body away from you. His hand moves to the back of your head, tightly fisting your hair enough for it to hurt as he keeps your face shoved into the pillow. Your moans are muffled but clear as day to him. 

Despite it all, you’ll always enjoy it, because it’s him. No one else could fuck you like this and keep you moaning- only him. Just him. 

He knows this even if you deny it over and over.

“Come on darling, I know you love it so much,” Kyojurou grunts as he shoves your face deeper in the pillow, and you start to violently squirm, struggling to breathe. He moans when it makes your hips meet his, helping push him even deeper in your ass. “Fucking perfect, love you- you always feel amazing, baby, even if you’re a whore.” 

He can hear his name leave your lips, frantic shouts still muffled by the pillow, and he moans. He knows, in the back of his mind, that you’re begging him to let you breathe. 

But he decides to ignore that for now. He decides to be ignorant and pretend you’re chanting his name in pleasure, just like you used to. Kyojurou bites his lip as he fucks you even harder, grunting as pressure increases in his gut. 

“Fuck- sweetheart, I’m gonna cum-” Your ass clenches around his cock again and he smiles, moaning loudly as he finally takes his hand off your head. Immediately, your head rises from the pillow as you breathe in sharply while Kyojurou grabs your hips with both his hands and focuses his thrusts. 

“Please-” You practically sob, “Kyojurou-!” 

The metal of his belt slapping on your thighs was forgotten on his end, but not on yours. The stinging of it on your skin feels like it’s cutting into you, and you choke another moan when his hands finally wander down to your sex. “Oh- fuck!” 

“That’s it, darling,” Kyojurou purrs. “Come on,” 

“No-!” 

You cum. Your whole body tightens up like a wire as your eyes roll back, Kyojurou continuing to quickly rub at your sex as he speeds up his thrusts on your ass, stinging metal continuing to hit you like fire. You can hear his grunting and wild moaning, his insane chanting about how beautiful you are, how tight and warm. 

A few more thrusts and he’s cumming, filling you up full with his seed as his hips stutter to press flush against yours. 

This is usually when Kyojurou will help clean you up, pressing kisses against your head as he whispers apologies for his rough treatment. Kyojurou can tell you’re expecting it as your body relaxes when he pulls out, but- no. While he loves you dearly-

You’re still a cunt. 

He catches his breath as he wipes his cock with tissue from the nightstand before tucking himself back into his pants, fastening his belt around his hips again. Your eyes meet his and he smiles, cooing under his breath as he gets off the bed and kneels down on the floor. His hands come to your face, thumbs tenderly stroking your cheeks. 

“I hope you’ll be on better behavior tomorrow, dear one,” he whispers. “Because if you want me to be nice, you’ll have to be nice, too. That’s just how it works.” 

Quickly, he stands, his hands leaving your face as he takes a step back. Your eyes widen as you watch him gather his things- “you’re leaving?” 

“Mm,” Kyojurou nods as he smiles. “I don’t have time to waste on brats. You’ll stay like that until I decide to forgive you for everything you said today.” He rearranges the watch on his wrist, checking the time. 

It’s still early. Maybe he can make time to visit and eat dinner with Senjurou today. As he heads for the door, you shuffle up your body to sit up awkwardly while your wrists are still bound.

“You- please don’t leave me like this-”

Right as he’s about to close the door, he remembers. “Oh! Right.” 

Leaving you tied up like that would have been an awful idea. But he’s not really in the mood to retie you... So as he goes to his closet, he takes out some handcuffs, and before you realize what’s happening he clicks them around your wrists. “Thank you for reminding me,” Kyojurou spares one kiss to the top of your head before he finally leaves. 

When he closes the door, he stays for a second. Your furious screams can be heard just barely- he takes a few steps down the fall and nods his head in content when the noise fades away. Never hurts to check every now and again. 

But! He’s rather hungry now, so it’s time he called his brother and made some plans. 

[cassandras-blogg]

"Swallowing Courage" (Danny Wagner x Sam Kiszka ) CHAPTER TWO - I PROMISE THIS CHAPTER GOT DELETED SO I'M JUST REPOSTING IT (: CHAPTER 3 coming soon. - A loud knock at the door was the first thing Danny heard when he woke up the next morning. He slowly shifted around in the bed and felt the weight of another body close to his back. "So it was just a dream??" Danny thought to himself. He looked over at Sam and his back was completely turned away from him. Sam's arms were close to his chest and his knees were closer to his stomach. Danny took this as, "Oh he didn't want his legs or arms to touch me the whole night, so it must have been just a dream." Danny sighed in relief. There was no way it could have actually happened, why would Sam ever offer to help Danny explore his sexuality? There is no way Sam would ever take a risk that could potentially ruin their lifelong friendship. There was another knock at Sam's door, when there was no answer again the door swung open. Josh was standing there in the doorway holding a tall cup of coffee. "Can I have some of that? Please?" Danny asked sitting up in Sam's bed. "Uh-hmm. What are you doing today? Just church or what?" Josh hummed, he passed his cup of coffee to Danny and climbed into the bed to sit down next to him. "Wait, it's Sunday?! How did I forget! What time is it?" Danny raised his voice and this finally woke Sam up. "It's 8:35 right now." Josh said reaching his hand out and taking back his cup of coffee. "Ugh, I have to go. Like right now." Danny had to quickly crawl over Sam's legs and Josh's body to get himself out of the bed. "Dude stop it!" Josh said slowly moving his arms up. "What??" Danny asked, once he looked back at him he could see a few drops of coffee running down Josh's arm. His quick movements almost made Josh spill the coffee on himself, but he caught it quickly before it could make a real mess. "Yeah, seriously. Calm down. Church doesn't start until like 10:00? Right?" Sam asked running his hands through his messy hair. "Yeah, but I have to be there at 9:00 every time to help set up!" Danny said grabbing his jean jacket and his boots he was wearing yesterday. Danny often played the drums in the worship band at his church on Wednesdays and Sundays, sometimes he would also sing when he needed to. He always went to church twice a week and was never late to any form of service. At Danny's church he is one of the top volunteers and is a highly respected student leader in his youth group. He has been very involved in church since his childhood, it has always been a huge part of his life. "My mom and dad are gonna kill me. I don't know if I'm gonna make it on time." Danny heavily sighed quickly lacing up his boots.

"OH SHIT! That's right. Speaking of mom and dad, we got to clean up this house before they get here." Josh set his cup of coffee down and jumped up to run downstairs to the living room. The Kiszka parents and Ronnie had gone to a relative's house last night because they wanted the boys to have the house to themselves for Danny's birthday. "You do realize how fast I can drive right? I can get you there in twenty minutes tops." Sam said standing and throwing on a hoodie. "Really you will??? Thank you Sam." Danny sighed in relief this time, he knew if he drove himself then he would just end up following all the rules and would never speed past the posted limit. Sam followed most of the rules of the road, but he would still speed around left and right if he saw there were no cops around. Danny and Sam jogged down the stairs and saw Jake taking down some of the decorations. Josh grabbed the empty bottles and handed them to Sam. "Here you, smash these bottles outside on the concrete. Then sweep it up and throw all the glass at the bottom of the trash. Jake will cover it up by throwing the decorations and other trash on top of it. The glass won't rip the trash bag, we double bagged it." Josh always was the one who came up with ideas on how to cover up the evidence so their parents wouldn't find out what they were up too. "Ah, I got to take Danny to church like right now." Sam said grabbing the keys to the car that the twins shared. "Hurry up then! Come back right after you are done.” Jake shot him a glare while continuing to pick up trash. "I promise!!" Sam shouted as he ran out of the door with Danny.

` About fifteen minutes later they had arrived. Sam dramatically swerved into the church parking lot and parked right up front where everyone could see them through the untinted car windows. "You didn't have to pull in all crazy like that." Danny said slowly taking off his seatbelt. "You wanted to be on time. Right?" Sam scoffed. "That is true." Danny smiled despite feeling slightly embarrassed because of the few old people frowning in their direction. The older people always showed up earlier and the younger people with families show up right on time. "Thank you for driving me over here, I really appreciate it. Do you want to ditch the twins and come to church with me?” Danny asked. "No problem, and you know what I say every time you invite me to church Daniel. No. Oh, and by the way, take it easy in there when you drum today. Last night I noticed you need to take better care of your hands' dude. You're going to ruin them before you have a shot at becoming a successful drummer." Sam said looking down at Danny's blistered hands that were sitting in his lap. He never ”took it easy” because he had no other coping mechanisms except drumming. "Oh." Danny said. He thought it was weird that Sam randomly started talking about his hands, especially since he had a dream last about them holding hands. Then suddenly Danny felt a tidal wave of anxiety fire through his brain, travel down his spine, and then into his lower body. Why would he start talking about his hands? Unless it really happened. "So, what do you want to try later?" Sam asked curiously. "What do you mean?" Danny asked calmly. "You know, like what do you want to do next? With me?” Sam asked, directly looking into Danny’s eyes. ”Oh wow.” Danny took a deep breath. INHALE. IGNORE EXHALE CONTINUE. His thoughts were shouting at him to calm down, but he still could not stop his body from panicking. Danny’s hand began to tremble. He could not believe this was happening to him. Danny was filled with instant regret, guilt, and shame. He wanted to run away and never look at Sam again. He wished he could take back holding Sam’s hand. At the same time, he couldn’t deny how good it felt to hold hands with a guy, with Sam for the first time. ”Can we talk about this after church?” Danny looked over at Sam, hoping that he would agree. He didn’t even want to go to church anymore, he merely wanted to be alone. ”What's wrong with you?” Sam asked. ”You’re shaking right now.” ”I’m just cold. And I don't feel good. At. All.” Danny said trying his best to stop shaking. He was thankful that it was December so he could use the weather as an excuse. ”Oh, It’s because you need a hoodie underneath that jean jacket. I got another one in the back, no worries.” Sam said unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. Sam remembered that he held Danny’s hand that night. He was not that drunk by that hour. Danny was absolutely panicking over it, but Sam appeared to be unfazed by what happened the night before. ”Want me to go to church with you?” Sam asked once he came back from the trunk with an extra hoodie. Danny could not believe his ears. He considered the thought maybe last night when he blew out the candles it had transported him into some parallel universe. Sam was not freaked out at all. Sam wanted to be there for Danny while he could see that he was clearly panicking and wasn't actually cold. He already had Danny figured out, Sam has been there for many panic attacks before this one, and he never left him alone during one. Sam was willing to sacrifice his morning and afternoon to make sure Danny was okay.

”You don’t have too. Jake and Josh will get mad at you later if you don’t go back home now.” Danny replied as he took off his jean jacket to put on Sam’s hoodie, then layered it by putting his own jacket back on as Sam told him to do. ”I want to.” Sam said.” Besides they will get over it if they get mad oh well.” ”Really, thank you.” Danny said looking at Sam with this newfound admiration. ”Of course, like I said yesterday, I would do anything for you.” Sam shrugged. ”Oh and if you want to after church we can hang out and talk about whatever you want.” Danny looked up stared at Sam for a long time. There was so much he wanted to say to him, but he did not know where to start. There were no words to describe how grateful he was to have Sam as his best friend. Danny wanted to give him Sam a really long hug, but he couldn't bring himself to actually do it.

”Okay that sounds good.” Danny smiled. He didn't hug him, but they finally got out of the car and walked into the church together.

-

After the service, they decided to walk down a trail behind Danny’s house. This was the usual spot where they went to rant or talk about people at school, their families, or whatever was going on in their life.

”So. When did you start liking guys?” Sam asked kicking a rock in front of him. There was a brief moment of silence. Danny was unsure how to answer the question. His mind had deeply suppressed the idea of liking guys a long time ago. In the past, whenever he began to feel a certain way about a guy, Danny would always tell himself that it was wrong to think that way.

”I don’t think I like guys. I just know I have these thoughts that I can't control. So I'm thinking maybe if I act on them, they might go away once I see how weird it is to actually ”get with” a guy in real life.” Danny answered. ”Oh. I don't think that’s how it works.” Sam said. He stopped kicking he rock and looked up at Danny. ”But if that’s you think then, okay. I'll still help you out, but what are you gonna do if you actually realize you like guys?” Danny did not want to consider the possibility that he was really gay or anything else besides straight. It was too much for him to handle. If he thought about it long enough, his brain might explode from the mind-blowing possibility that it could be true. ”I’m not gay.” Danny sighed. ”I just need a wake-up call, and you are gonna be it for me. I just need to do this, so I feel more sure of myself, so I can move on with my life. You can back out now if you want too. I know you already do a lot for me, so you don't have to help me do this too. I can find some other guy to make out with and then I can get it over with." Danny silently hoped that Sam was going to back out of it because maybe that would make things easier. If he kissed a guy that was a stranger it might be easier, because then he would not have to think about ruining a friendship.

At first, Sam just stared at Danny, then he looked over at a large rock off to the side of the trail. He walked off the trail and sat down on the rock. Sam leaned back a little and made himself comfortable. "Come here, Danny." "Why?" Danny gulped starting to feel the nerves coming back. "Just come here. I have something to tell you." Sam said. He hesitated, but he still slowly walked over to the rock to sit by Sam. "What is it?" Danny asked scooting closer to his friend. "Yesterday I wanted to tell you this, but I was pretty sure Josh and Jake were going to make fun of me and I didn't want to hear it. I also thought you might make fun of me for even giving you the ring, so I just didn't say anything extra to add on to it. Anyways, last night when I gave you that ring it was not just a symbol of our friendship, it was also a promise from me. It was a promise to be your best friend no matter what happens. I can say a whole list of things, but I promise to always be there. I promise to always hear you out. I promise to never judge you. I swear, I do."

Danny was truly speechless now. “Can I hug you?” He asked. Sam and Danny did not hug very often. They felt like there was no need to hug unless they took a break from seeing each other for a while. Sometimes when Danny had panic attacks then they would hug during or after it happened. ”Yeah.” Sam said, he moved as close as he could to Danny and put his arms around his neck. Danny slid his arms around Sam’s waist and pulled him closer to his chest, practically pulling him into his lap. He began to tighten his grip, digging his fingers into Sam’s rib cage. Danny took a deep breath and let out a sigh. Sam tried to pull away from him, but Danny held him there and didn’t let him move.

”Can we hug longer?” Danny asked when Sam tried to move away again. ”Yeah. If you stop crushing me.” Sam winced. Danny looked down and realized how much pressure he was using in this hug ”Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Danny gasped starting to move away from Sam. ”It's okay. Come back.” Sam said grabbing Danny’s shirt and pulling him in closer to his face. Now they were nose to nose, making direct eye contact. Sam took a deep breath and he placed one hand on Danny’s face. Danny thought that maybe he should back up and move away, but that never happened. There was no way could blink or look away either, Sam had never been this close to his face before. Sam leaned in and Danny had no time to mentally prepare for what happened next. Sam gave him the most gentle kiss on one side of his cheek. He was positive that it was going to end there, but it didn’t. Sam leaned in more and put both his hands on Danny’s face, then he kissed the other side of his cheek. His lips moved up to the middle of Danny’s forehead then he kissed down the bridge of his nose. Sam paused once he reached Danny’s mouth. Tilting his head, he hovered over Danny’s lips, once he moved a little closer it made their lips lightly touch for a moment. Danny was tingling all over. ”Wait.” Danny said putting his hand on Sam’s chest. ”What?” Sam asked impatiently. ”Promise we will still be friends after this?” ”I promise.” Sam said quickly moving one hand to the back of Danny’s head. Once he moved his head forward, Sam finally got the chance to put his lips on Danny’s mouth. Sam let their closed lips stay pressed together for a moment, but not for too long. Then he grabbed Danny’s hair and tugged it just enough to make him gasp. Sam’s plan to deepen the kiss had worked, he pulled on his hair more, and now Danny’s jaw was slightly opened. That gave Sam the chance to lean forward and to slowly work his tongue into Danny’s mouth. Sam could tell that Danny was hesitant about this next move. Every time Danny would try to back up, Sam would pull him in closer. Eventually, Danny stopped trying to fight it, he put his hands on Sam’s back and started to move them up and down Sam’s spine. After he did this he could feel a shift and then more pressure on his lips. ”Mmm.” Sam lightly moaned into his mouth and started using more tongue. Danny’s hands were sending chills down his spine. Once Sam made that sound and Danny felt himself getting more heated by the second. Sam kept both of his hands underneath Danny’s hair so he could protect his head from hitting the rock when he rolled them over. Now they were laying on top of this uncomfortable rock kissing back and forth. Sam was on top of him with one knee on both sides of his waist, he tried his best to not to let their lips disconnect for more than a few seconds. Danny’s desire to keep kissing Sam only grew stronger, even though he could feel all of the uneven ridges of the rock digging into his back. Then suddenly Sam stopped kissing him. He abruptly pulled away and looked at Danny with a wide smile. “So. How was that kiss?” ”I uh, did not think it would feel like that. Better than I thought I guess? Also, that was way more than one kiss.” Danny said breathing heavily. ”Yeah and all those kisses are not for free.” Sam said sitting up and moving off of Danny’s body. Then he climbed off the rock and looked back up at Danny a smile. ”Oh okay, what do you want?” Danny asked. ”Let see. I. Want.” Sam began to cross his arms and look to the side. Danny waited in anticipation as Sam took his sweet time thinking about what he wanted.

”Weed, alcohol, my favorite snacks, and a few new records.” Sam requested. ”Oh okay.” Danny blushed. He thought that Sam was gonna say something sexual, but he wrong. ”Do you think you like guys now or what?” ”I don’t know, maybe you should come over later?” ”Danny!! Dude. You just can't get enough of me huh!?” Sam teased. ”Shut up Sam.” Danny said feeling the sudden urge to cover his face with his hands. ”But will you? Come over later?”

”You know I will.”

- END OF CHAPTER 2. There is gonna be a lot more writing coming up later, so be prepared.

[kitkatzndragons]

Ignore Me Please

(I just, need to vent and I'll delete this later I just don't want to do something I'm going to regret. Other than this, you know? Because I'm going to come back in a bit and find this so petty, but whatever.)

It doesn't hurt to breathe, but it damn sure is difficult, and I question the feeling. I let it engulf me, because it sure as fuck won't let itself go away so maybe if I allow it in sooner it'll leave sooner. But FUCK I always forget how consuming it is, ever hungry for any emotion and breath inside of me, leaving me with such a painfully hollow feeling that tears sting my eyes for no reason. For God's sake, I'm going to see a movie and I got a high test score yesterday! I'm all dressed up and the feeling of confidence I held an hour ago has melded into fierce disgust but I don't take anything off because that would just make it worse.

I can't cut my hair any shorter, not unless I wanted to be asked questions and the feeling of eyes and judgement I put on myself would just get worse and the void will come sooner. The glint of scissors is ever so tempting but I swallow and turn away. I have projects waiting, ones I had been excited for, this movie I was going to see I had been excited for, but all excitement is gone. And now I berate myself because now my friend is going to have to deal with my even more neurotic state.

I'm alone, away from home and friends, they all have their own issues anyways, and the shameful thought that they don't need me crosses my mind. I try my best to not think on it any further, to not allow myself to go down the road of what could be done to stop everything for me, my mind my heart my pathetic self. I'm in a position where I can't ask for help, not physically, and I don't make new friends ever, not even online.

I'm a recluse, outcast, an antisocial that won't shut up yet never talks about feelings or myself, always babbling nonsense of whatever comes to mind. Emotions bottled for so many years that the sheer amount that would need to be waded through is an ocean, one I don't have time or patience for, so I distract myself and push them aside further, throwing bucket after bucket into an ever growing mass.

And anyone that does see, that does notice, is mostly strangers, and I don't talk to strangers because then social anxiety kicks in and that makes everything worse because now I've drawn attention to myself, attention I don't deserve and now it's my fault someone is worried, so I brush everything off or ignore it like every other time. So I deleted everything.

And I thought I was better, that maybe I had been lying, THINK that I am lying. Because it always sucker punches at the worst times, when it's supposed to be my best times but it doesn't feel that way because now I can't find that happiness I had even a day ago. And it's been so long, but it seems to decide that it wants to come back and reminds me that I haven't done anything substantial and that no one is gonna notice or care, that I'll never reach my goals or meet the people I want and how SO FUCKING USELESS I AM. And I'm so tired, but I still manage to think of small things to hold onto that I wouldn't be able to do if I stopped everything.

See my cat, talk to a friend, read a new book or fan fiction, or just watch a video by Jacksepticeye or Markiplier. Get a smoothie or take a shower to try and come up from the pit beneath my feet, stubbornness keeping me from caving to my emotions even if it feels like I'm drowning.

So I allow myself to simply exist, biding my time because I have more endurance than the void, I just have to survive the wait.