#maybe i shouldn't trust my brain when it's drunk and thinking abt how it should stop caring abt what other ppl think
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i think i liked myself better when i didn't care about other people's opinions
#im not sure when why or how this changed#i never used to care what other people thought about me it was a whole thing#...of course part of that was bc i thought other ppl were idiots and i always assumed i would be right#now im constantly assuming im always wrong and everybody else is right#idk when this script flipped on me and i suddenly became the one scrambling to keep pace#i feel like im the one who's fallen behind now#*starts playing passing through a screen door by the wonder years again*#idk maybe i should go back to thinking of ppl as idiots instead of trying to understand them and wonder if maybe i'm the problem#maybe i don't have to be able to relate to every single person i see and try to appease them even tho i don't understand them#idk ppl used to call me cool a lot back when i didn't give a shit and i never understood it#i didn't even know what cool was i just did what i liked and said fuck the rest#it's been a while since anybody's called me cool#i think. i really have got to get weirder. i actually think that's the solution#i got so used to following invisible rules that i started assuming that they would be enforced#that there would be some sort of punishment or backlash for not following them#but there never was back when i didn't follow them. so why now?#and even if there is some sort of retribution. then what. ill know what the exact cost of breaking those rules are. which is valuable info.#shit maybe i HAVE been creating a smaller life for myself out of fear what the fuck#also why do these revelations always happen at night when i've been drinking#maybe i shouldn't trust my brain when it's drunk and thinking abt how it should stop caring abt what other ppl think#hm. ykw i think ill pick this back up tomorrow with a fresh brain after ive had a good nights sleep. then i can decide what to do#in the meantime i need to do more research on sewing patches onto my clothes#and see if there are ppl who have experience with wearing patched up political shit in 'professional' environments#maybe there's a court case or something i could point to and tell ppl to fuck off if they start talking abt 'professionalism' and whatnot#idk i keep thinking i need to get weirder and i never do. but i really do think i need to get weirder so maybe that really is the solution#who knows. who gives a shit. whatever. fuck it we ball#mine#random#vent
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