#maybe i need more practice of composition BUT I'M STILL HAPPY

[rabbitindemun]

Listen you already did Bill in heels, WE NEED DRAG QUEEN BILL NOW!!!!

HEAR ME OUT FELLAS

I may be a little obsessed with this design now JKSAKH

with you..

Drag Queen Bill!!

(i swear i don't wanna bother.. but please look at this thisss) made me so happy srry

honestly i have been craving for draw something like this since the mention of Bill using a wig on a chapter of flat dreams hehe

[nimadjart]

Happy halloweeen. :)

This is the commentary track(?) to my digitober. It's just rambling, so don't expect anything too interesting.

This first picture came out on a whim, I originally didn't intend to do anything for this october. I had just arrived home from helping my mom out with something, and was in a good mood. I think this picture, as sketchy as it looks, reflects that feeling. I'm content with it - and it's halloween themed! All the better.

For the second, I tried to follow the "official inktober" list (something I'd drop quickly in the following days). I'm disastrous at making backgrounds, so I gave it a shot for practice sake. I think it's not a bad result, it almost kinda tells something of a story.

"Boots", hah. It's not terrible, but it's also missing a lot of polish. I think the idea behind it works well for a cute/sexy picture of Angewomon. Maybe some day I'll revisit it? I should put more practice into drawing the human form in the meanwhile lol.

I really dislike the fourth one. I think Lianpunmon deserves better art, so I'll definitely do it again some day. My skills are so undeveloped, it's very obvious seeing this poor hatching.

Speaking of hatching, I bit more than I can chew with this one. The composition isn't interesting enough either, and just like with Lianpunmon there's no story here. At least Angewomon seemed to be interacting with the viewer lol.

The sixth is something I liked better. It's kinda shody, but there's something of an urban fantasy thing going on.

The Vamdemon one I can see the faults: I need better line control, the shapes aren't locked in as well as they should be. Yet, I'm partial to it…

Rapidmon deserves better lol. I still really dig the idea behind this drawing, I just wish I'd have given myself the patience and time needed to render a kickass explosion.

SkullGreymon, I have little to comment. It has zero story, but it's carried by the vibes. It's the first (and arguably last lmao) time I think I was cooking with the halftones.

The tenth is arguably the peak of the entire month. It has some story, a neat composition, and acceptable execution. Strangely enough it was one of the quickest to make: I had an idea, and it came out in a few minutes (compared to some other drawings where I was fighting for my life), and it ultimately was one of the most interacted with drawings in my entire blog. Funny how that goes.

I like a lot the Piemon one, as bland as it is. It's like a design piece, more than a drawing. It helps that the perspective deformation hides my poor linework haha.

I went too hard on the Mephismon X one, to the detriment of the piece. Instead of adding texture, it just looks dirty. Damn.

The thirteenth one was my poor attempt at making a background. Originally, Bakemon was gonna have this devious, whimsical look, but as I finished drawing the stairs I thought "I'd be kinda tired after climbing a few floors", so I changed Bakemon's expression to reflect that. Just a little trivia.

The Jesmon is what I'd argue was my peak. Shapes are locked (as best as my skill lets them), values worked well, it told a story. It's my favourite of the month.

Fiftenth was made, mostly, trying to catch some Adventure buff to the ammount of interactions I'd get. I mean, I had fun drawing the characters, but the reality is that I had petty reasons. I don't dislike it though.

I know exactly what I wanted to do with the sixteenth, and I didn't achieve it. Looking back, I think I should've done it in BW, rather than grayscale, to make it pop more. Fix the composition too. It's too plain. Shame, I really like Lilithmon X's design.

Seventeenth was also one where I just phoned it in. I think the values are all over the place; though I do like the harsh light. Impmon is a lot of fun to draw, all things considered.

Greymon was fun, lots of fun to draw. But this was another piece where I went too crazy trying to use halftones, I ended up making something that lacked impact or presence. I do like, in a self deprecating way, how the background seems okay until you look at it directly and see that it's kinda bad lol.

I made Nefertimon's torso too long! I only realized when I was doing the finishing touches lol. Yet I like the whole thing a lot, I think the texture and lightning kinda sells it as a photo (the white border was an attempt at selling that further). Saw someone refer to it as "the last thing I see before I die", and that comment might stay with me forever lol.

The twentieth is another I had a clear picture in my head as to what I was actually hoping to make, but failed to. Instead of landing some sort of finish, it's on a weird gray (lol) area. Making clouds is hard y'all.

Twenty one is one where I managed to stick the landing to what I had in mind. I think the composition needed a few more minutes of baking, but overall I'm content with the result. Death-X-DORUgoramon is a complex design, so any degree of succesful translation is a win in my book.

I think I needed to draw some more background Kuramon for the twenty second. Y'know, to really sell the swarm thing. It's kinda too clean.

Before twenty three, I had never given myself the time to draw a tree shilouette. It was fun to turn off my brainfor a bit and just draw line, after line, after line, after line. I did the tree first, and then I tried to figure out how to make Shurimon. Originally, I wanted him to be hunched over more dramatically, almost as if he was climbing down the tree, but I was incapable of drawing it in a satisfactory manner. So this is what I got.

Twenty four is so bad! I think Monitamon came out fine, but the background elements are so poorly done! I'm so embarrassed! lol

Kabuterimon was really fun, very dramatic looking. I think it has some serious readability issues with the hands, but I don't dislike the idea I had at all.

Hackmon's drawing was done almost like a sibling piece to the fourteenth, Jesmon's. Like, Huckmon is somehow watching his exhausted future, yet he stands stoic. On it's own, I think it's plain. Like, it has some charm, but it's lacking in impact compared to the fourteenth. But maybe that's for the best of the story?

The Wizarmon sticker came through me realizing I wasn't practicing my lineart! So I did a sticker instead. This was actually version two, but number one was so bad I had to redo it. Despite it being a humble sticker chibi, it's overall the day I spent the most time drawing.

Twenty eight came from me realizing I hadn't done any Alphamon! So I did what I thought would look badass. As much as I like Alphamon, though, his shapes are difficult for me to grasp so it came out shoddy and weak lol.

Twenty nine, Ragna Lordmon vs Ragnamon, was hurt by me recording it. While an exciting thing to do, I felt like I wasn't allowed to do anything but move forward quickly, or to change things (I'd have moved both Ragnamon and the main Ragna Lordmon body closer to the center) that would've made the composition flow better. It's not an abject failure, and the video is fun to watch, but still…

Dorumon is a simple piece that I was a bit surprised to make. My birthday is not information I tell people, but I was just compelled to share a bit of myself. I dunno, it feels weird. I'm weird. It came out cute at least.

And at the last! Noble Pumpmon again. I'd love to tell you that I applied everything I learned throughout the month and it's my best piece and stuff, but that isn't the reality. It's a better show for a similar amount of effort compared to the October 1st drawing, but it's not some crazy good display of betterment. A bit, yes, but less than I had hoped.

If you made it this far into this silly wall of text I wrote, I thank you. I thank everyone who interacted with my drawings, it pleases me a lot to see that someone gave it a like, or a share, or a comment. I learned about myself, and my limits, through this experience. It was tiring, but setting myself the goal of "make a drawing a day" was, paradoxically, liberating. Like, now I had a reason to draw! (despite me having some comission work to do lmfao). It was nice. This was one of the most entertaining octobers in recent years. Thanks again to everyone who participated in some fashion.

[sunoorintarou]

Catharsis: Polaroids.

Phos!Reader × (Platonic) Gojo Satoru

Warnings: Gojo being himself, Gojo being concerned about the reader, probably the fluffiest part so far, still pretty sad, mentions Phos' defection at the end, brief mentions of Haibara, Riko and Geto.

Notes: The urge to post like 5 parts of this a day😔 I'm tryna pace myself and like post once a day but I already have like 5 more parts done, perhaps I like this idea more than I thought😭 maybe I'll post mini snippets about phos, like a Playlist or smthn to listen to while y'all read, idk, might add songs to certain parts? Expect me to post about Catharsis and Catharsis only for a while tho💀

"Gojo - sensei?"

Gojo turned to face you, seeing your silhouette in his doorway. He almost wondered if this was a dream, pulling up his blindfold to look at you. It had been a good few weeks since you'd approached him, approached anyone for that matter.

"Y/n! My beloved student, it's been so long." He grinned, standing up and running to you comically. You didn't move, letting Gojo wrap his arms around you, forehead against his chest. You didn't hug back either, however.

"Ah, I know this is sudden, but could you do me a favour?" You asked, bashfully.

"Of course! Now, what does my lovely, precious, adorable student need?" Gojo used his animatedness to hide his concern and relief.

"Can- can you go out with me?"

Gojo paused, eyes widening as he pretended to blush, fiddling with his hands and swaying like a school girl.

"B- but, you're my student, that- that isn't allowed." He said shyly, batting his eyelashes at you.

"Not like that! I just want to go to a store." You huffed in annoyance.

This was how you found yourself walking through the crowded streets with Gojo, in search of what you were looking for.

"What are we looking for anyways?" He asked. Although you hadn't noticed, Gojo had been using his cursed technique nonstop since you left Jujutsu Tech. He refused to take any chances.

"You'll see." You sighed. It was winter. The air was cold, and your face was practically buried in your scarf, hands stuffed into your pockets. You hadn't worn your uniform in a long time, settling on sweatshirts or one specific hoodie Yukio had leant you that you never got to return.

Gojo watched you, noticing the little changes in your appearance. You had gained confidence and strength, back straight and head high, the jacket you were wearing looking ever so slightly less oversized than it had before. You were always covered from head to toe, your body composition something you often found embarrassing, not to mention hard to explain to normal people.

Watching your back as you walked in front of him, Gojo really noticed how things had changed. You had never previously walked in front, always settling for standing back and walking in silence next to Megumi.

You were an awkward but energetic kid. Always smiling, always happy, watching out for the group, making sure no one was left behind. You had reminded him of a girl he once knew, one he had failed to protect. And a cheerful boy who used to hang out around Nanami.

Now, however, you reminded him of someone else. Someone who had meant the world to him. His one and only best friend. And he refused to let you walk down the same path as him.

Your eyes lit up when you noticed the shop you were looking for, stopping in front of it. You looked at Gojo for a second, handing him your bag.

"Please wait outside with this, sensei." You said. And with how bright your teal eyes were in that moment, Gojo couldn't say no.

When you left the store, you had a plastic bag, the contents still concealed. You led Gojo across the street, to the park, letting him watch you in curiosity as you began opening the box inside the packet, assembling whatever was inside.

You had your back facing him, feeling embarrassed as you rushed to put what you had bought together. It was going to snow soon, and you had to be quick.

"Sensei! Y/n!" Gojo turned at the voices, eyes widening when he saw his other students returning from a mission.

You finished just in time, holding up your brand new camera and taking a picture of the moment Gojo noticed them. Capturing their smiles and excitement in the first snow.

Although Gojo and the others hadn't realised it, you had built up your resolve. Your fear of forgetting everyone had built up, and now you had found your solution. Even if you did forget their faces, you would never forget the way they made you feel.

Not even a year later, however, Gojo could only question what was going through your mind. Your room was empty and clean. Bed made neatly. And in the centre, was the only part of you they had left, your camera. The memory card was still in it, full of photos of everyone and everything from your team to Shoko and Nanami. Photos of everyone's birthdays, of a cat you had seen that reminded you of Gojo, of Nobara's favorite crepes, Megumi's demon dog, Yuji's disgusted face after he had eaten one of Sukuna's fingers. And a note on a piece of white paper was on top of it, with only the words: Thank you.

[brynnamonroll]

I am bothering you with questions and statements.

Do you also sketch what you paint?

How often do you paint?

Are there any pieces you've done lately (or in the past) that you're super proud of?

Is it just a hobby, or do you want to make it more than that? (Nothing wrong with either, just curious)

I swear, I'm not actually the Leanansidhe, and I'm not angling to trade your life forces for inspiration.

Any other artistic impetus besides the need to breathe life into pigment?

Oh! Many questions! Yay!

1. These days I do most of my painting in sketchbooks full of watercolor paper. I sketch in colored pencil (sometimes wax-based where you can see the lines through the paint like Marcille, sometimes watercolor pencil where the lines will blend into the painting like Chappell Roan) and ink and paint right on top of the drawing! If I have a big composition I want to treat with care I’ll draw it on a different piece of paper first and then trace it onto a fresh sheet of watercolor paper with a lightbox.

2. Not as often as I’d like! I did a ton of little paintings during the pandemic but I hit a bit of creative block after I quit grad school and my Horrible Job earlier this year. I got through that by taking up crochet, but the Marcille and Chappell Roan paintings I did recently have help unblock the painting dam a bit. I should paint something this week when I have a bit of free time. I’m ordering some books of stock photos so I can copy the poses since Pinterest (where I used to keep all my drawing references) is nigh unusable these days, between the AI and the ads.

3. As an adult, I’ve really mellowed out about my art being perfectly presentable (and as such the quality has improved a lot.) I’m proud of basically anything that escapes my brain and gets to paper, but I’m especially proud of anything I’ve composed with a background. Riding Home (can’t believe that painting is five years old!) is still one of my favorites and I love the response it’s gotten. On here, my piece with the most notes is this Doropetra piece, which… I think that was my first time drawing something queer? Either way I’m quite proud of it and I know it’s made a lot of people happy.

4. It’s strictly a hobby. I’m addicted to being a W-2 employee and knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. If I drew more high-concept things than fandom stuff, I might try entering into local art shows. My friend is involved in the local poetry scene and I can’t imagine my paintings would be poorly received.

5. >:)

6. I have a big binder full of trading card-sized swatches of all my watercolors and notes on their pigment properties. I am incredibly intense about the pigments, fret not. I like to think that my art is a reflection of my education in art history. When I’m not feeling super inspired, I will go to my local museums and see what bits and pieces I can take for my own work. I think I learned more about how to paint from studying art history than from most of my actual art classes over the years. In practice though, I’ve been drawing and painting seriously since I was about 12 because I couldn’t find a better way to express how much I loved Pokémon, and honestly most of my art since then has been fandom related. It helps get some of the inspiration out of me.

And anyone who knows me from my days of cranking out Fire Emblem art knows I love to draw a Pretty Lady in a Nice Dress. (I love being a Pretty Lady in a Nice Dress too, frankly.) I love making new dress designs and incorporating my knowledge of historical fashion into them.

I have a lot of drawings I want to get too soon (I want to draw a full body piece of Marcille and of Chappell Roan’s VMAs look, for one… Maybe Susato Mikotoba Great Ace Attorney too… and I just started playing Baldur’s Gate 3 in earnest and I need to draw those ladies too. And maybe Wyll for fun. I like him.)

[scummy-writes]

I may be arm chairing a little, but from this post it sounds like you have a harsh inner critic that is not strictly related to canon stuff, but also 'cringe'.

I did the same thing when I was younger. I had composition notebooks filled and filled with handwritten fanfic, the most dramatic love triangles with n*ruto characters and every other hyperfixation under the sun. I just wrote down the various daydreams I had and turned em into stories, like I do now.

Kid me saw folks consistently mocking this way of having fun, calling certain things/tropes 'cringe' and bullying. For a while I was fine, the inner critic was a dick but I was around friends who were having fun with me. When I moved to posting fanfic publicly, it changed a bit. When I got harassed for a year straight and stalked a bit over 'mischaracterization', even when folks were insanely supportive, I let that eat me up instead and it got added to the Harsh Inner Critic voice.

Some things that have helped me is:

-> believing that 'cringe' is dead. An elaboration: stop shaming yourself for having fun. If you are not actively harming anyone or similar, why do you need to shame yourself so much for having fun with writing [in this context] bishie vampire versions of historical folks.

We're doing this as stress relief. As a hobby. For fun! Some of us may be using fanfiction as practice for writing our own novels one day, but the fanfiction is still For Fun. If you continue to shame yourself and let the Inner Critic step on you, you'll hit a point where you won't let yourself write at all, and that hurts more than anything.

-> understand that as you're writing your fanfic, everything sounds poorly written to You, who has built up this fantasy in your head and youre trying to do it justice by writing it out. In your mind, it's never going to compare to the fantasy you imagined.

But to a reader? They never saw that fantasy until they read what you wrote, and they're having a Fuckin Blast reading it. They don't know whats going to happen as they read it, and they're having fun every step of the way, happy to have a new fantasy to think about thanks to YOUR words.

-> canon is good to run with, but is not an end all be all. For this I'm going to sound stupid but like. Bear with me.

In canon, Licht hates carrots (iirc). Hates em, won't eat em. But what if I want to write a fanfic about Mc trying to cook carrots in various ways to get him to eat them? Is that canon compliant? I mean its likely he wouldnt even try anything carrot related, but writing about him trying sifferent methods and maybe liking One version of carrots out of 8 different methods of cooking them doesn't mean he magically likes carrots forever, and I've Broken the Canon Code- it just means I explored the bounds of that part of his character.

And that's how I like to treat canon. A foundation of the character, like the foundation of a house. Sometimes we change the inside of the house, but the overall structure stays the same. Just because we play around with the inside doesn't mean we're destroying the foundation.

But then sometimes we want to imagine we live in a house that feels like home (the character) but we want to paint it a different color- aus! Cyb*rd does this, we get many au events that change some concepts of the character, their backstories, or even who they are! So ... why can't we? Why can't we do aus where they're different but Still Them. Maybe au Isaac isn't isaac newton, man who discovered gravity, but Au isaac is still our Isaac. With pink hair, a nervous personality, a lot of wit, fangs, and having a stutter. Just because the background is different, doesn't mean we can't explore the Idea.

And also!!! Ikev*mp has had implied poly stories before!! So that def excuses you exploring poly with them anyway (not that you needed an excuse, but you can shove that at the inner critic). They even had a story where Arthur and Vlad and. Someone. Grew up in japan in ye old red light district. Slept with people for money. They were so far removed from their normal characters but so many people still had fun exploring that 'what if' with the event. And as fandom, we thrive on exploring those 'what if's, and thats not a bad thing at all.

I feel like none of this makes any sense, I'm sorry. My thoughts and views are hard to explain so I keep trying to use metaphors and its not helping.

All in all...its always easier said than done. I keep these things loosely in mind, but I also... don't surround myself with people who complain about this stuff constantly. Like. In fandoms past, I used to have people consistently having private group messages picking apart fanfics for no damn reason. I was constantly on my toes terrified that I'd lose friendships for writing ideas that were 'cringe' or too 'ooc'. And yaknow? It wasn't fun. At all. Those groups eventually imploded and i was Thankful to get out.

So, I found friends who did not discourage 'what ifs'. I found friends who did not shame me for forgetting small details. I found friends who would gently bonk me on the head when I had anxiety attacks over something not sounding 1000% canon. Who would remind me that it's not the end of the world to mess up a line, or to write a 'shitty' story (because our words are not shitty!!! They are us exploring writing.) Not everything we create will be amazing.

These friends helped me start analyzing the way I think because I wanted to be more like them, and why the harsh inner critic controls me more than I get to control me. And usually by analyzing the roots of that, my emotions with it, it helped me pick apart why I have trouble letting myself have fun.

I read about how some published authors view their works. I read about how authors read past work and maybe feel like it wasn't their best now, but it was the best they could write at the time and they were Proud of their past selves still. I remind myself that perfection is not a requirement when playing with creative outlets.

I wrote character notes not to use as fuel to scold myself with, but because I found the act of digging into what made these characters themselves as Fun. I started trying to treat myself as I would my friends, which is insanely hard for me to do but. Small steps are still progress!

I feel a bit insane typing this all out because I cannot tell if this makes sense, and I am feeling shy. I am going to stop now but I hope maybe some of that helps?

I think I like to consider canon as a brace for headcanons and fun imaginings, but not something that is entirely required.

Canon is great. Its a foundation for many ideas and toying with. But its not an end all be all for Every Little Thing. And I like that. I like exploring what canon does not, i feel like thats what fandom is For.

Its also fun to play with canon and bend it a little. I like not having to restrict myself to being 100% canon and canon only.

[chill-pills-yandere-haven]

Dreams of Coffee and K-pop pt.2

Pt.1

An: I found the emoji!

Tw: yandere, implied murderous intent

Disclaimer: Yanderes are abusive, this is not love.

Art cred: Kackaorz1 on Twitter

It was the day of the concert. You had been listening to the 4NEMO music that your friend had been recommending you and had gotten quite familiar with it. Now, you were dressed in your favourite outfit, ready to attend the concert with your best friend. It was two hours before the concert started, but Venti advised you to come early so you and your friend could hang out with them and watch them warm-up. 4NEMO had gotten closer to you in the time before the concert. The boys texted you constantly and you got attached, welcoming them into your tight little circle of trust. You even all had a group chat with just you and the boys. They proved to be a pleasant way for you to blow off steam from your classes and relax so you welcomed them. Just a week after you all had met, 4NEMO had a new hit album called "Coffee Dream". It had become your new favourite album from them, containing all of the things you loved in music. Almost as though it was made with you in mind. You even set your ringtone to the instrumental of one of the album's songs. A beep resounded from your phone as you looked yourself over in the mirror. A text from Venti, " Hey cutie, just wondering if you need a ride to the concert, I'd be happy to give you a ride!" The nickname 'Cutie' had been something that sort of just happened, no inside joke, just Venti teasing you. You smile and chuckle a bit then answer him. "Yeah sure, I'm already ready so you can come now and I'm sure that they're ready too so you can pick us up now." Five minutes later you received another text telling you that Venti was now at your apartment. Making sure to fix your hair, you went outside. Outside was a black limousine waiting for you. "Get in, cutie! The others are starting warmups!" Venti called to you as you got in the limo, admiring the interior of the vehicle. Vent pulled you to his side, thighs touching. You were confused at his actions but then Venti slung his arm around your shoulder and explained. "Well we've got to make sense for your friend, right? Ehe." He giggled at the end. In return, you shrugged but it did make sense so you didn't mind. Plus, this was Venti, he's always like this. Once you got to your friend's house you saw them with a 4NEMO glow stick in hand and wearing a 4NEMO tee with the group's logo on it. "Hey, bestie! And Venti!" You laughed at the stupid nickname and replied. "Ok, you know you are my best friend and I love you platonically, and that I would die for you if necessary, but do not call me bestie. You can call me anything else, hell I'd even prefer if you called me your 'stupid butt-kicking partner in arson,' than whatever that was. Now, let's pretend that never happened and erase that from our memories. 'Kay?" This was just harmless teasing as you two had done much more stupid things and had many more inside jokes that no one except for you two knew about. "Aye aye, captain!" You talked about random subjects as the car ride went on. And Venti held onto you the whole way, almost as if he thought you might disappear. Maybe even a bit more than usual. Once you got to where the concert would take place, Venti escorted you both to the private room where the boys were practicing. "Hey, guys, I brought a little something!" Venti called to the other 4NEMO members, a hand on your shoulder tugging you to him. All the group looked up from what they were doing. From Kazuha trying out different chords on the electronic piano to xiao going over some dance moves that you hadn't seen yet, to Aether doing vocal exercises. Aether and Kazuha meeting you with soft smiles. Xiao looking away from you after he met your eyes. "So that's what you went off to do, and I almost thought you were trying to skip out on practice." Xiao retorted. "Well it is nice to have you here with us, and you too." Aether addressed you and your friend. It was surprisingly relaxing watching them warm-up for the concert. The practice was flawless, clear that everyone had already gotten everything down to the most minuscule detail. "4NEMO, you ready? Shows about to

begin." One of their workers called, you fairly remember her name being Rika or something along those lines. The boys nodded already dressed in their beautiful yet casual costumes. "Wooh! Go 4NEMO!" You called to them as you and your friend headed for where the audience had already situated itself. (On the other side) That past week, they had been almost three times more productive with you as their inspiration. Starting and releasing a new album dedicated to you in just a week. With you on their brains, inspiration was abundant. They were more devoted to you than even some of their superfans, Kazuha even stalking your social media in secret so he could make sure that his next compositions were to your taste. 4NEMO had been trying to express their love for you in the clearest yet unsuspicious way they could. Even referencing the day you met with the album. Nevertheless, you seemed to be only interested in friendship. No matter, everything would go their way in the end. Venti had put in so much effort to have you by his side, even if it was for just before the concert. Having to sneak away from the group without being noticed to go get you, paying the limo driver extra as he was only supposed to have driven 4NEMO there. Even holding back what we wanted to say to make you ditch that lousy friend of yours. Just for you to voice your feelings of devotion for them while he was in the same car!? So oblivious, so innocent, he had to protect you. The other boys were also surprised to see you but welcomed your presence. They all thought you would only show up at the concert, not before. But they all loved to indulge in you, so no one really minded Venti's little stunt. 4NEMO appeared on the stage. Smiling at the crowd with meaningless movie star smiles. At everyone except for you of course. All their eyes scoured the crowd for you, happy to see that you were close to the stage. Close enough, to tempt them into pulling you up to be with them. But, they had an image to uphold. So they held off on the longing looks at you and just focused on impressing you. "Hey, guys! Who's ready for a 4NEMO concert!?" Aether grinned and asked the crowd? The audience wooed back, even you, something the boys genuinely smiled at. "Well then, we've ought to get this party started!" Venti cried as the first song started. The boys knew that this had been your first concert as you preferred more quiet, secluded ways to spend your time while your friend was the one dragging you to interact with the outside world. And they were determined to make it special. Make this day the one that makes you as head over heels in love with them as they are. They started with a fast fan favourite, the one that you had as your ringtone. The one they created as a way to only express a fraction of the passion they felt for you. Xiao moved beautifully and elegantly as he sang. Venti hit a flawless high note that even most female singers couldn't reach. Kazuha harmonized with them in such a beautiful way that it could take one's breath away, rapping clearly and rapidly. Aether was the one who pulled it all together, he was the leader after all. 4NEMO was pleased to find that you were enjoying the change of environment. Moving your head and singing along with some of the songs you knew. Just one small problem. Though it was an irritation, the boys kept up in the perfect way only they could achieve. The problem was that you just had to bring your friend with you, Venti told the others what he had heard in the car, about how you would even die for them. And they just had to separate you two, it was too much jealousy to handle. It drove them even further, made them crave your praise even more. Even just a small compliment would suffice. So they worked their hardest at this concert. Making sure you have the time of your life. The concert was finally over and now you could be reunited with the boys. They swarmed around you once you had arrived at their private room. Asking you how the experience was and was delighted that you said that it was "absolutely

surreal" and that you loved it. It might not have been a direct 'I love you.' But it would work for now. Though they couldn't be with you in public due to their status, they would still have you. They would still make you theirs. They would remove anyone to make that happen. And it seemed like your friend was going to be the first.

[romanceandnothingelse]

Paris, France.

10:43 pm

Dear Alice,

Its been twelve years since Renesmee was born. Twelve years since I married Edward. Twelve years in the face of forever.

If I were still to age I would be thirty now.

It's strange to think of such an amount of time both short in the reality of my having forever, and so long and everything I had feared such a short time ago. In three days time comes my worst nightmare. My thirty-first birthday. Edward tells me that I shouldn't count, but how can I not when I look at my life now, and see in it what could have been. What could have been if Edward had his way and made me age and get old. What could have been if I got to this day naturally and saw myself as a grown woman, standing next to my husband who looks seventeen. My husband who will look seventeen forever as I would have died a little each day slowly watching the creases on my face deepening.

Oh, Alice. I'm sorry. the trouble with letter writing instead of emailing is there's no way to undo what you've written- except for scrapping the whole thing and starting over, but I won't do that, you've waited long enough for my reply.

I haven't told Edward about your letter, and you know he wouldn't be happy with you if he knew in advance, but I think it's a good idea. I haven't seen Renesmee since she and Jacob visited two months ago. I still can't get used to the idea of my daughter being with my old best friend. But luckily I've got the rest of my life-which will never end- to come to terms with it. I've missed them while we've been here. I hate not seeing her so much but what can we do? Jacob lives with his pack and Renesmee is wherever he is. But maybe it's for the best, the less I have to see them together the less I have to think about what exactly that means.

I'm looking forward to seeing the old house again after so long. I hope you've stocked the kitchen for Renesmee, I've missed you all so much, Edward has too, despite what he'll say when he sees you all. We'll see you in a few days. But you already know that.

  

All my love,

                   Bella

Returning to our townhouse after sending my letter, I found Edward where he had been sat for the past 3 days straight; bent over the grand piano in our 'living room'. Without much need for typical human comforts we kept pretences for just that. Pretences.

Drawing closer I sat beside him on the small bench and tapped his arm gently. Nothing. I rolled my eyes; we needed to be back home at Faulks in two days, but he was completely absorbed in the new piece he was writing.

"Edward." I cleared my throat, raising my eyebrows.

He doesn't even know I'm here right now. I sighed, heading into the kitchen to resume by activities of the past week. Authentic Italian cooking. Every year since I became a vampire I've taken up a new interest and this year I was inspired by one of my moms old cooking books. She, of course never used it, or any other cooking book but when Edward and I 'vacationed to Italy' after we were married she gave me an old book full of Italian recipes when we returned. And so, after falling in love with the recipes I decided I wanted to be able to perfect them in the real Italian way; installing everything I needed into our modest French townhouse and buying every cookbook I found, and lastly being tutored by an Italian chef. It's been amazing. But I missed being able to cook for the people I loved who could actually enjoy it. Renesmee left too soon, I sighed to myself, but was gently consoled by the fact I was going to give Charlie a shock when I got home with a proper Italian meal for him and Sue. I couldn't wait.

After practicing my signature dish- which I was told by the locals was 'très magnifique'- I followed the music coming from the living room and found Edward, perfectly content, leisurely playing a composition I'd never heard before.

"You're done?" I asked.

He turned from where he was sat and looked at me serenely, his gentle smile slowly turning into the one reserved only for me.

"Yes." He smiled softly, rising to meet me.

"Would you like to know what it's called?"

"What?" I grinned, throwing an arm around his neck as he leaned down to meet me.

"I don't know yet." He confessed in a whisper.

I laughed, "Well, you can think about it on the way to Faulks." I said as I watched his face intently for his reaction.

To my surprise, he frowned and the rest of his features softened, eyes straying from my own, wonderingly.

"That's a good idea." He said slowly. "Yours?" He asked.

Oh god. I don't want to lie to him but...

"Yes." I tried to smile without wincing, but somehow I didn't think it would escape his notice.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Alice's?"

I straightened my already unnaturally straight back (vampire posture had me looking more graceful than I could ever feel. In this life or my human one), and looked him in the eyes challengingly.

"No." I said firmly. "My idea. It's almost my birthday and I want to go home for it. I want to see our family again."

A half truth. I thought to myself. An omission isn’t really a lie.

He arched an eyebrow casually down at me, obviously seeing through me, but pressing no further.

"I've packed for both of us already. You were busy." Thankfully.

"Okay," He said, dropping the subject before taking my hand and leading me to the piano. "Let me play for you before we leave."

"But we're not leaving until tomorrow." I objected instinctively. "Wait no." I laughed, "that doesn't matter.” I shook my head, smiling up at him. “Play for me." I corrected myself, sitting on the chaise opposite him where he sat at the piano.

He smiled and rolled up his sleeves and read from the creased papers standing tall above the keys.

"Pour toi, mon amour." He said softly as he began to play the most beautiful melody I had ever heard. It reminded me of one of my favourite chopin pieces he would play for me... something in E flat. I sat perfectly still with my eyes closed as he played, hearing his fingers stroking the keys, the quiet movements underneath the music adding something much more intimate to the practice.

As he stilled to a close, I opened my eyes only as I felt him beside me.

"That was beautiful." I breathed.

"I'm glad you like it." He murmured. "It was written for you."

"The next thing I take up after my Italian kitchen ventures, will be something that will benefit you." I promised. "This isn't fair, you being so perfectly considerate and me...learning to cook in a household where nobody has any need to actually eat food."

"Just because I don't need to eat food doesn't mean I don't enjoy whatever you make." He said softly. "And for your information... just you being here... just your existence alone... benefits me. I don't need anything else."

My heart fluttered as he slowly smiled down at me. I looked into his eyes and I blushed as I realised this was never going to get old. I was going to keep feeling like a teenager hopelessly in love forever. And, to my embarrassment, forever in our world really meant forever.

[dontreadthistrashgarbage]

G O T 7 pt.4

"Hey kiddos!" Guerin called out in English as she entered the dorm for HEET. She had messaged them earlier that she would be stopping by. Having wrapped up breakfast with JB she had enough time to catch the boys and Eneoji before they left for work for the day.

"Noona!" Seungbin jumped up from the couch and ran to into entryway to greet her, the large white Samoyed hot on his heels. Guerin hugged the maknae in greeting then kneeled down to give her dog attention. The other five members of HEET made their way out to greet her as well. They all settled in the living room, Eneoji sprawled across both her and the typically nonexpressive Tobio next to her.

She listened as they caught her up on how everyone had been faring and some plans they had begun working on, including a possible World Tour now that they had gotten their first wins. It hadn't been long since their last promotions ended but they had all been working hard on preparing for the next comeback. Guerin asked them if she should take Eneoji home but Seungbin and Tobio asked to let her stay longer.

"Just let me know if your days get too long and you can't get away to take her out or you cant bring her to work. She needs the attention." Guerin cautioned.

"That time might be coming soon." Byoungjin said reasonably, but once he caught the pathetic expression from Seungbin he added, "But we have another couple days at least."

"I've been running with her everyday still! Sometimes people recognize us!" The American Gabriel said excitedly, "She's been giving out pawtagraphs." The pun had been a joke between him and Guerin but had become recognized fandom canon when he had let it slip in a vlive.

"Did Jackson ever make an appointment with you?" Minhwan asked suddenly, remembering his Sunbae reaching out to him.

"Yes he did, and his puppy is super adorable, we should absolutely schedule a playdate with MinNao and Eneoji." Guerin gushed.

"I haven't seen him in a while. It would be nice to see him again." Byoungjin said, happy at the prospect of meeting up with his fellow trainee.

"I met a few other people you guys know too. Mark Tuan and JB." Guerin said, though she opted to leave out that she had just gotten breakfast with the latter to avoid too many questions, "JB even came to see Mihi fly."

"I've head of JB. Doesn't he produce under the name Defsoul?" Tobio asked curiously.

"Yes, he helped me learn music composition and arrangement." Byoungjin answered, "How is he?" He turned to Guerin and she faltered.

"Ahh... we... he is nice but we kinda had a disagreement recently." She said honestly.

"What happened? Noona are you okay?" Seungbin sat up protectively.

"Yes I'm fine. He apologized." Guerin said, touched by the fifteen-year-old's reaction as she pinched his cheek, causing him to pout slightly.

"I'm not that surprised. JB was always a little hot headed." Minhwan frowned.

Guerin was shocked, "Hot headed? I would never have described him that way. I thought he was fairly laid back, even cute sometimes."

"Cute?" Minhwan coughed out a laugh, "Im Jaebeom? He hated aegyo!"

"No I dont mean aegyo." Guerin couldn't help but laugh at the idea of JB attempting full blown aegyo, "But he has... cute mannerisms? Like he puffs out his cheeks when he is thinking, or scrunches up his face when he teases, or plays up certain emotions when he gets excited." She tried to explain.

Byoungjin was looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing. You just described him very well." Byoungjin shrugged, clearly not telling the full truth.

"Yeah he had some of that too but he used to get mad and blow up a lot." Minhwan explained, "If he thought someone was being disrespectful, wasting time, not trying hard enough..." Minhwan flinched, "It wasn't fun being on the receiving end of that."

"I never would have guessed." Guerin said.

"Did you get yelled at a lot, Hyung?" Gabriel asked leader Minhwan, a slight cheeky quality to the inquiry.

"No, you rude punk." Minhwan answered back with even more sass, "But JB would have destroyed you. If you aren't careful I'll call him in to teach you a lesson." He threatened playfully, giving the younger man a couple pokes to the ribs, causing Gabriel to giggle and flinch away.

"JB had a rough childhood. His birth father wasn't a good person and he suffered for it. He talked about trying to change it. He was aware and he didn't want to be the kind of man that hurt his mom." Byoungjin said seriously. Minhwan and Gabriel looked chagrined. Everyone was quiet, unsure of what to say. Guerin processed the new information carefully, adding a bit more understanding to JB's personality.

"He must be working hard. It's not easy to overcome that kind of trauma." Tobio unexpectedly said. He wasn't as talkative as the others but when he did he had a habit of poignancy. The others nodded thoughtfully.

"What did you two fight about?" Seungbin asked suddenly.

"Oh... it's so embarrassing." Guerin hid her face in Eneoji's fur.

"Noonaaaaa, tell us!" Seungbin plied, pushing her gently and using full aegyo to get her to answer. She tried to avoid looking at him but he was too powerful.

"Okay fine." She pushed Seungbin away as he grinned in triumph and Gabriel cackled.

"He... asked me to sing a song he wrote." She said quietly.

"He asked you to sing?" Gabriel was floored.

"Noona we told you that you have a nice singing voice." Minhwan boasted. They had all spent time around her so they had heard her many times.

"Yeah but I'm not a professional. It's just for fun." She felt like she had to keep repeating it.

"Maybe he likes you." Gabriel said, then adding in English, "-likes you- likes you. Y'know?"

"Gabriel!" She said astonished, "Minhwan I can't reach, would you shove him for me."

"I don't know, he might have a point." Minhwan shrugged, trying not to laugh.

"Well he better not." Seungbin said making a face, "Noona you deserve someone nice."

"Don't speak ill of people you haven't met." Tobio scolded the youngest gently. Seungbin apologized and ducked his head. Guerin smiled fondly at the well intentioned boy before she caught another thoughtful expression on Byoungjin, who quickly blanked his face as soon as their eyes met. She didn't have a chance to question him before Minhwan changed the subject to talk about Mark and Jackson too and she forgot to bring it up again until after she had left.

"Charlie-ssi, have you eaten yet?" Jinyoung asked, coming up beside his favorite producer as she pored over a thick stack of notes.

"No, not yet..." she answered, distracted.

"That's silly, it's our meal break. Come eat with me." He said, taking a step back and gesturing toward the food truck that had been sent by his costars friends.

She glanced up, feeling regretful at having to say no to such a handsome man asking her to join him for a meal, "I can't, I want to finish this first. Besides, I'm on a diet, I wasn't going to eat anyway."

Jinyoung looked offended, "A diet?" He repeated blankly.

"Yeah, I've put on some weight and being around all these beautiful actors..." she trailed off realizing she might be oversharing.

Jinyoung shook his head disapprovingly, "Ridiculous. You're beautiful the way you are." He turned to walk away, muttering, "A diet."

She was frozen for a moment. Did Park Jinyoung just call her beautiful? She shook her head. It was probably just lip service. Still, it was disappointing not being able to eat with him. But she had eaten and drunk so much last night, she was feeling positively bloated. Shaking her head once more she turned back to her notes.

A few minutes later a plate of chicken with vegetable sides and half a cupcake was placed on the table in front of her. Looking up she saw Jinyoung settling in the chair next to her, holding a similar looking plate with the other half of the cupcake. She watched him in surprise as he nonchalantly settled in, picking up his chopsticks before meeting her gaze.

"Skipping meals is unhealthy. You should take care of your body and feed it well." His genuine smile made her heart race and she blinked to get her bearings. His smile turned slightly more mischievous as he reached over to break off a piece of cupcake with his chopsticks and raise it to her lips, "but a little treat every now and then is good too."

It took her a moment but she responded by opening her mouth and taking the bite, blushing and quickly looking around to see if anyone had seen. Jinyoungs smile took over his whole face, eyes crinkling as he turned happily back to his own meal. Charlie smiled too, then set aside her notes to dig in as well, talking with him as a few more crew members joined them at the table creating happy chatter during their break.

Guerin had met up with Jackson and MinNao for another training session, this one focusing on loose leash walking. Jackson and his puppy were both eager to learn and absorbed information, putting it into practice readily. The two humans chatted about training theory as they walked but it devolved into general chatter and joking around.

"Oh, why don't we get a coffee? MinNao can practice being calm and greeting people." Guerin suggested suddenly as they passed a shop with outdoor seating.

Jackson beamed, "That sounds great!"

"Go ahead and get seated. I'll order inside." Guerin pointed to a table on the patio.

"Wait, take my card." Jackson started to reach for his wallet.

"Nope! It's on me!" Guerin grinned and skipped away from him through the doors, ignoring his protests. He was left to make his way to the patio with his rotund red puppy. It wasn't long before Guerin reappeared with two iced Americanos, placing one in front of a pouty Jackson as she settled across from him.

"Oh MinNao, yes, I missed you too." Guerin cooed at the puppy who had begun wiggling as soon as she was back in sight, pointedly ignoring the sulking man. Jackson squinted his eyes petulantly, reaching over to his drink for a sip, not looking away. Once Guerin sat back she couldnt help but giggle at Jackson's exaggerated mood.

"Oh come on," she protested with a laugh, "Can't I buy a friend a coffee?" She returned his pout playing up the cuteness as much as possible.

Jackson let out his trademark high pitched squeal "Cuuuuute!" He exclaimed, leaning back and crossing his arms over himself defensively, dimples showing from his grin. Guerin couldn't help but laughing at his adorable reaction. The two continued their banter, intermittently reinforcing and playing with MinNao until during a lull Jackson changed the subject.

"Did you ever end up talking to JB again?"

Guerin took a moment, piecing together how she wanted to phrase the experience, "Yeah... he actually apologized. He seemed really genuinely upset with himself."

"What happened?" Jackson leaned forward curiously.

"It happened the same night we went out." She paused, "It sounds weird but he ended up at my apartment, drunk. He was really upset and apologizing a lot. I didn't feel comfortable sending him away that drunk so I let him pass out on the couch."

Jackson had no poker face. He sat back, looking disgruntled, "He spent the night?"

Guerin immediately tried to clarify, "Yeah but he was just passed out on the couch. It wasn't like... that." She floundered, "The next morning he didn't even remember but he bought us breakfast and apologized properly." Jackson still had an odd expression on his face so she tried to move on, unsure of how to phrase the scenario any better, "He actually asked me to try recording again."

"What did you say?" Jackson asked.

"I told him I'd try it." She felt strangely guilty admitting it so she avoided Jacksons gaze by focusing on taking a sip on her drink. Jackson floundered for a moment. He didn't want Guerin to set herself up for hurt again but JB was a close friend.

"If he apologized then he'll be better this time." He said, nodding resolutely, "You can trust him."

Guerin was relieved with Jacksons understanding. Him vouching for JB's character set her more at ease, "Thanks Jackson. It feels good to hear you say that." She smiled softly at him.

He beamed back at her before changing his expression to overdone disapproval to match his scolding tone, "But you don't have to let just anyone stay at your house overnight. You should be more careful!"

She laughed in shock, "Oh my god!" She exclaimed in English, "Nothing happened! It was nothing!" She said defensively.

"Still. It looks bad. Next time send him home." He said petulantly.

"Whatever." She said in English again, tsking at his attitude dismissively. They argued playfully for a bit before the conversation flowed naturally in another direction.

JB and Jackson met for dinner later that evening. They caught up with light chatter about their current projects and Jacksons upcoming schedules in China. Their discussion was light and friendly, with a lot of laughter from the both of them.

"Guerin agreed to try recording for my new song." JB brought up amidst their discussion of projects.

"Hyung." Jackson said suddenly. JB looked up at Jackson while reaching for a bite of food, "You need to be nice to her this time." Jackson added seriously. JB hesitated, remembering seeing Jackson hugging Guerin after his blow up.

"Ah..." he didn't know what to say so he shoved some food in his mouth as he thought. Jackson waited. "I was wrong that time. I was a jerk. I won't do it again." He said resolutely.

"And you shouldn't spend the night at her house either." Jackson added seriously. JB looked at his friend with wide eyes, shocked.

"I saw Guerin today. She said you came over to apologize." Jackson said, "I know you meant well... but... I told you before I like her. So I don't like you staying there overnight."

JB finished chewing and swallowed, "Ah... about that..." Jackson looked at him inquisitively, "I didn't say anything before. I thought I could give it up. But I like Guerin too." He looked ashamed, "I tried to distance myself and I got upset and I took it out on her. So I decided I need to be honest with both of you. I'm sorry I wasn't honest from the beginning."

Jackson couldn't hide his surprise. A variety of emotions passed across his face rendered uncharacteristically speechless. JB waited patiently for him to recover. After a few moments Jackson looked resolute, "We can't help how we feel. Neither of us own Guerin or have a right. Regardless, you're my precious friend and nothing is going to change that."

"Waaahhhh." JB said, impressed. He offered his hand to his friend which Jackson took and they shook fondly, "That was cool." They grinned at each other.

"I'm still going to confess." Jackson said, widening his eyes and locking eyes with JB who chuckled at his friends comical expression.

"Yeah. I think I will too." JB responded.

"Don't spend the night at her house again though." Jackson pouted at JB.

"I can't promise that." JB said breaking the seriousness, turning his gaze to food and reaching for another bite.

"Hyunggg." Jackson caught onto the shift in the mood as he whined, "Don't be like this."

"Like what?" JB played innocent, chewing and opening his arms questioningly.

"Hyuuuunnngggg...." Jackson whined more, pouting with his full body, causing JB to laugh loudly and offer the barely younger man a bite of food to satiate his sulk.

"Thanks for helping me pick out some new makeup." Charlie smiled at Mark. The two of them were meandering toward the famous makeup district in Seoul.

"It's no problem! I don't have a shoot today and I like spending time with you." He responded with a smile, but had to look away at the last part shyly. Charlie blushed, unsure of how he intended the message but she was flattered regardless.

"I usually do really simple makeup but with our wrap party soon I wanted something a bit more flashy. I figured, you're a model, you might know what you're doing." She shrugged.

Mark laughed, "Well I usually have makeup done to me but lucky you I can do some as well."

The pair entered a shop and meandered through, with Mark making suggestions and offering feedback on Charlie's questions.

"I don't know if that color would look good on me..." she said dubiously eyeing sparkly purple eyeshadow.

"Sure it will. Pair it with this lighter shade, it'll complement your hair well and go with your pink contacts." He pushed. When she continued looking doubtful he pouted at her, "You said you wanted a bolder look, don't you trust me? You should at least try it."

"Okay... I'll try it." Charlie gave in to his cute expression.

Mark beamed, causing her heart to race. He really had an unnecessarily beautiful face. An unnecessarily beautiful everything. She blinked to clear her thoughts as he grabbed the sample eyeshadows. She reached to out to take them from him but he pulled away.

"I'll do it, so you can see what I mean." Mark said. Charlie hesitated then dropped her hand.

"Okay..." She couldn't think of a reason to not let him and just hoped she could cope with proximity.

"Close your eyes." He instructed as he opened the first shade. She obeyed and tried not to flinch as he applied the colors and blended them together. It felt like forever. He was so close his breath would wash across her face and neck. His touches were gentle but precise. Her mind wanted to wander but she locked that down as best she could. "Okay." He said finally.

Charlie's eyes fluttered open, she was surprised to still see him so close to her. He studied his handiwork then nodded, looking into her eyes with a proud close lipped smile, "It looks great on you."

She felt herself blushing again and turned away quickly with the pretense of finding a mirror. Locating one quickly she looked in and gasped, "Oh, wow that does look really cool."

"Thanks." Mark stepped up behind her, still looking proud.

"Alright I'll get these then." She nodded but avoided his gaze.

"Let's find a lip color to go with it. Maybe something more neutral..." Mark said thoughtfully before turning and wandering toward the lip section. Charlie took a couple breaths before following after him.

"Boy Howdy do I got news." Guerin said, slipping into the chair across the table from her friend. The two of them often defaulted to English when speaking with each other. Charlie looked up, from her coffee. She and Mark had gone their separate ways not too long ago. She had, of course, removed the makeup before leaving the shop.

"Same." Charlie sighed in response, leaning her head on her hand as she frowned at her friend.

"Oh? Tell me about it." Guerin leaned forward expectantly, curious about the news.

"I might be imagining things..." Charlie started, then fidgeted as she tried to piece together what to say, "Probably just wishful thinking..." she trailed off again.

"Spit it out!" Guerin urged, tapping the table to snap her friend back to attention.

Charlie groaned and covered her face, "I'm just thinking ugh! So... I think I have feelings."

"Oooohhhhhh?!" Guerin sat up with a grin and wiggled excitedly, "Who is the lucky person?"

"That's the problem. Well. One of them..." she started to trail off again before she caught Guerin's gaze again and forced herself to spit out, "I think I like two people. I think I like Jinyoung and Mark..." Guerin grinned and let out an appreciative sound but Charlie continued, "And I think... they might like me? But I'm not sure. And like... what could two such handsome men see in someone like me? I must be imagining it."

Guerin scoffed, "Yeah, what could two men see in a smart, fun, sweet, beautiful, strong woman like yourself. Absolutely ridiculous." The sarcasm couldn't have been laid on thicker.

Charlie forced one corner of her mouth up into what was supposed to be a smile but was more like a disbelieving grimace, "Thanks..."

"Don't you give me that face. Give yourself some credit. You don't have to believe everything I said, even if it IS the truth. But you have a lot of excellent qualities. What's not to like?" Guerin argued.

"Come on, maybe for an average person. But these guys are surrounded by incredibly beautiful people all the time. I am so plain in comparison. I barely wear makeup and my standard is hoodies and jeans." Charlie looked increasingly despondent as she spoke.

Guerin frowned, "You might not be a movie star but give these guys some credit. Hopefully anyone you like would be decent enough to not measure a person's worth by how glamorous they can be." Charlie still didn't look convinced, "Listen I can't make you believe me. I haven't met Jinyoung but I did meet Mark. I might have been having a bad night but even I could tell, ya boi was into ya."

Charlie couldn't help but chuckle at her friends earnest and goofy way of speaking. "If you say so." She suddenly looked up, determined, "Speaking of! Any news on that front?"

"Oh, yeah. Geez." Guerin launched into the explanation of JB coming over drunk that same night. At first she told the same edited version she had told Jackson but after finishing she hesitated.

"Well it's good that he apologized." Charlie narrowed her eyes at her friends expression, "Guerin you have no poker face. What are you hiding?"

Guerin laughed nervously, "I uh... well... while he was drunk... it kinda sounded like he was confessing feelings too."

It was Charlie's turn to coo at the juicy gossip. Guerin waved her hand dismissively, "Don't get excited. When he woke up he didn't say it again. He didn't even remember."

"Mmhmm." Charlie said, sipping her coffee like Hyungwon. Guerin rolled her eyes, uncharacteristically at a loss for words. "Sounds like you've got a love triangle."

"What? With who?" Guerin gasped.

"JB and Jackson." Charlie said in a sing song voice.

"Oh stop. JB was drunk and Jackson is friendly with everyone." Guerin shook her head.

"Mmhmm." She made another point of sipping her coffee with emphasis. "You make a big production of how every man should be in love with me and you can't even notice a puppy begging for attention and a drunk confession. Come on."

Guerin could understand her perspective but still found it unbelievable. She didn't voice her thoughts again.

[chrimsone]

I'm feeling helplessly sad today. I want to cry, I almost did. I talked about my cats. I got to Toby. I remembered the day he died. What's funny is he hasn't even impacted my psyche the way Willow did. He lived a long, happy life. One I had to witness the end of, but I knew he was loved for so long.

He's not the reason I feel this way though.

I just, feel so useless? Insignificant, I guess.

We're not even a week into November and my life has turned into work then sleep. When I find the time to be on my computer I just stare at the screen, not mustering up the courage to even play something.

I can't even try to enjoy work anymore. A new manager did a complete 180 and probably hates my guts. I feel nervous whenever I'm around her, I'm constantly walking on glass because I can't stand the way she tries to boss me around but if I defy her it's ultimately insubordination. I hate this job but I don't want to get fired.

Maybe, what triggered this was my attempt to work for Bungie. I took a look at their list. Narrative Design. Sounded like it was gear and bounty flavor text. Something not daunting. Something to get me out of retail and into something I might actually enjoy.

I spent nearly a week slaving over a cover letter. It was my only chance. I have no credentials. I'm just a high school graduate working the same job I first got when I was seventeen.

I have no passions. They all died by the time I graduated. Art? I have fucking aphantasia. No matter how hard I try it never looks right. I couldn't, and can't, afford a mentor. I liked space. So Astronomy? I barely passed pre-calculus. I dropped out of the real thing only one trimester in. I hated my teacher, but mostly myself for not being able take in any knowledge. By then, I was hopeless. I've considered veterinary work, with my love for cats. I know I'd see them in pain, it's why I never considered it when I was younger. Maybe that's part of why I never got too serious. You need licenses to practice. More education that I can't afford. Recently I've gained a minor passion for writing. I've made little stories in my head since elementary school, developing them better as I grew. I wrote some fics in high school. Kept most of it to myself. I stopped until earlier this year. And I realized, I could convey my thoughts in this artistic way much better than when I tried to draw. I loved finding the right word to convey the emotion I wanted. But whenever I made something, inside, I nagged at myself. What if I try to take writing seriously? Will I go into learning how to do everything properly and realize I'm just missing some vital brain composition just like I am with drawing? I'm scared. Scared that the one thing I'm clinging onto for a future will make me fall just like the rest. Of course, there's video games. I'm always tempting just throwing it in, essentially selling my body like some shitty v-tuber on twitch because dudes are horny. Maybe QA testing. But even then I worry that I'm not skilled enough to try and break a game for release.

I got advice from my friends. Bugged them the whole time, sending them paragraphs and asking for advice. I wanted this to be perfect. It was my only chance. I was so anxious to even send it, but I managed to late last Friday.

I never got an email back. I actually just wondered if maybe they called instead. I haven't checked my voicemail in months. As I'm writing this, I finally looked, maybe they called me instead? Still, nothing. I wasn't considered. I'm not good enough. My letter did nothing. Something I worked so hard on, something I wrote specifically for other eyes, failed.

I hate this world. I hate having to ask for help. I want to be self sufficient. I wish I never existed. That someone else was in my place. I'm not worthy of having a soul. Someone else with more will is deserving of my life. I'm just merely a husk, wasting precious resources.

Y'know. I'll post this. And usually I feel like a weight is lifted off my chest. That I got these awful thoughts out somewhere. Maybe, someone'll come across them and learn of me. They wont plague only me anymore. But I'll click the button, and still feel awful. I won't hop into my clan's voice chat and act like I wasn't crying to myself for an hour. I won't simply get up and do something like eating or laundry before bed. I'll just sit, staring at the dashboard I don't even look at anymore, until it hits the time I'm supposed to go to bed for work tomorrow. All while listening to shit that keeps me in this awful mood.

[austencurtishnd1c]

Post Production - Task 5 - Evaluation

---

For this project, I photographed a single person in an environment that is relevant to them. I was asked to produce a carefully edited selection of at least 4 x final images that when presented together as a series, convey a story about that individual. I really enjoyed doing this, but found it difficult as this put me out of my comfort zone. I don't know too many people that work in an interesting environment, so for my final submission I choose to shoot in and around the college.

The part of the project that I found most interesting was creating the photos. I explored areas of the college that I'd never been before and got a chance to break out of my shell and talk to people whist they working on things that they loved doing. Some people were very shy and some loved being in front of the camera.

The new techniques I had the chance to play with were off camera flash and LED lights. I found that having access to these really made a difference in my photography. I loved being able to control the lighting around my subjects/models. I plan to upgrade my personal camera, so I can used these techniques outside of the college.

The technique I would like to develop further is the use of colour grading. I found this to be a bit complicated at first as I'm used to just using filters on my photos. I think once I get the hang of it, colour grading will give my photography that personal boost. This is a great way to show individuality through photography and it really makes groups of photos look like they belong together.

The photographers I researched throughout this project included August Sander, Paul Strand and Arnold Newman. These photographers payed very close attention to composition and detail. When exploring their photography I felt as if they were the story teller of the people they were photographing.

These photographers influenced my work by pushing me to try and be the story teller. I attempted to get to know not only the space I was photographing, but the person as well. It was difficult for me to start a dialog, but once I did I felt as if it was much easier to figure out what to do next. It's a skill that is definitely going to take some practice to master, but happy that I got the chance to practice this.

The technique I enjoyed the most was the use of off camera flash. This was something I had never used before and it's something I will use more in the future.

I think the most successful part of my project was getting myself out of my comfort zone and talking to new people. Even if I was just shooting in the college building, this project gave me a bit more confidence and I do feel like I could take these skills and use them in the future. I find myself to be a very introverted person, but this project taught me that people (most of the time) are very pleasant to be around.

The problems I encountered during this project have a lot to do with what I mentioned above. I was scared of people. I really struggled with finding people to shoot and this made me realise how small my circle is here in Scotland. A lot of my friends and family live overseas and I think I've just really been missing home lately.

I also still struggled to use the camera I bought for this class as it doesn't work with a lot of the equipment needed for this course.

How I got around this was shooting in a place I was more comfortable in. The models were also in a learning environment and all seemed to be very understanding. I also had access to store equipment/cameras. If i didn't have this option I wouldn't have been able to complete this project.

What I would do differently if given the chance to complete this project again is maybe try and shoot somewhere new. I do realise that this would give me the chance to grow as a photographer. If I had a set location with a model that was open to me taking their photos and spending some time with them, I would love to give this another go. This would make for better planning and a better overall outcome in my opinion.

12. Discuss any technical issues with your final images? (Focus, sharpness, exposure, highlight/shadow detail, )

13. Going Deeper; If you were asked to do a project using this technique what would you do? What new ideas do you have ? This may be explained as a visual, a drawing, sketch, photograph.. you decide how you present this section

[bakugou-ou]

Ik I'm anon and all, but I don't wanna get off it because the embarrassment would probably make it worse. I'm just tired of life… mines is pretty useless if you ask me, and according to everyone else who if ever met, I'm ugly too, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to do that, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and I can never be happy without someone ruining it That's why you and other creators' story helps me, it makes me think about my dram life I'll never get

Listen, friendo, whoever you are, you’re not ugly, and not useless. You don’t need to come off anon if you don’t want to, I get it. This is gonna get v personal here in a sec, so I’m putting the rest of this down under a cut in case no one gives a shit about my personal life and doesn’t wanna see my tragic anime backstory, but I’m sharing it with you because you said that you like my writing. This is the story of how I ended up running this blog, it’s got lots of talk about suicide, mentions of rape. It’s not pretty, so read at your own risk. Also, it’s long.

When I was four years old, I tried to jump off the balcony of my apartment, I wanted to die. It wasn’t a kid doing a stupid thing, I literally thought if I fall from this height and hit my head on the ground, I will die and then went for it. I fell onto a 7ft tall cinder block mailbox on the way down, four feet below my balcony, crawled off of it, and walked back upstairs to my parents like nothing had happened. 

What was wrong that someone barely past toddlerhood wanted to kill themselves over? I don’t know, maybe it was just that my parents were fighting all the time and hated each other, maybe it was because I have the genes for it. More on that last bit later.

When I was six, I tried to throw myself in front of a car, thinking that if a small child like myself got hit by a car going 25+ mph, I’d die. The driver hit the brakes, I played it off like I’d tripped into the road, no one knew how I really felt. When I’d told my parents I wanted to die, they thought I was being dramatic, they didn’t think a kid my age even knew what that meant, the finality of it. But I knew, and I craved it.

When I was eight, I tried to hang myself in my older sister’s bedroom with her sheets. She found me, took me down before I blacked out, and we never spoke about it again after that night. I was pissed with my sister for saving me, I cried and punched her as she held onto me.

When I was twelve, I tried to eat a bottle of Xanax, thinking it would kill me. It didn’t, it just made me really, really fucking sick. Not sick enough to go to the hospital, but very sick. I had no lasting organ damage, but I still wanted to die.

When I was fourteen, my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on a day he was supposed to come to my house, and ignored me while I cried. He had me on speaker phone, actually, and his friends were laughing about it and I could hear them. I could hear him laughing along with them. So, I decided to eat a bottle of asprin for dinner a couple of weeks later. I was stupid, it didn’t work, and I was hospitalized in the mental ward for 2 weeks.

When I was seventeen, I had just left an abusive relationship, graduated high school, and my mom told me that my ex raping me repeatedly for 9 months was my fault and that I was asking for it by continuing to date him the whole time. I was too scared to leave, I had been told by a counselor at school that no one would believe me. I tried to eat all of my antidepressants. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks in the mental ward.

When I was eighteen, I tried to do that same thing again, in conjunction to another thing my mom said about my abuser. My cousin had been raped while studying abroad, and she was talking about poor cousin, your poor cousin, it’s so traumatic, but when I mentioned that I’d been abused for three quarters of a year and no one batted an eye, she told me I was being selfish, and that my time for being the victim was over. How dare I detract from my cousin. So, again, I tried to eat a bottle of pills. I was hospitalized for one week in the psych ward.

Earlier this year, at the age of twenty, I was hospitalized because I felt like I was going to slit my wrists if I stayed home. So I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for a week while my doctor tried to find better meds for me because clearly mine weren’t working. My mom had told me that she was ashamed of my sexuality and my gender identity, and the rape issue came up again, with her saying I wanted it, that I let it happen.

I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and selective eating disorder. A lot is messed up with me. I get the anxiety from my mother, and the bipolar II from my father. The PTSD was a gift from my ex boyfriend, and the rest I just ended up with.

When I was a little kid, I loved books; my father read all sorts of books to me, all the time. Artemis Fowl was the first series we read, then Harry Potter, then my mother read me the Chronicles of Narnia, then my father read me A Series of Unfortunate Events. We also read other books, things that weren’t series. I loved reading, and I wanted to write things that made people feel the way I felt about the stuff I read. 

Both of my parents are naturally talented writers. At the age of six, I began to write fan fiction for Harry Potter. I was way too young to be on the internet, but I was online writing fanfics on snitchseeker. Some of the only validation I found in my life was from random strangers on the internet, encouraging me to continue writing and complimenting my plot lines, even if my grammar and spelling were atrocious; on the internet, no one knows you’re a little kid writing Drarry fanfic.

I was a really athletic kid, so I didn’t spend all my time writing, but a good chunk of my free time was spent writing if I wasn’t surfing, playing soccer, or skateboarding. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I wasn’t likable, apparently, and I had a really hard time in school. I got into a lot of fights because people picked on me, but I was always the one who got in trouble for defending myself. It pissed me off. I developed issues with authority. I wrote in composition books to escape all the crap around me.

By the time I turned 11, writing was my life. I had just moved to California from Hawaii, my life was basically turned upside down, and I was miserable. So, I made a myspace account, wrote fanfic on there, and threw myself headlong into it. I have a fanfiction.net account I’ve long since forgotten my username and password for, but it’s out there with dramione fanfic, sasusaku, things that I liked at the time. I need to escape everything happening around me. My dad, my best friend, wasn’t anywhere near me, my mom was a bitch, and my demented grandmother moved in with us. It was miserable.

By the time I was 15, the only hobby I had outside of practicing for orchestra, was writing. I laid in bed on days off and just sat on my laptop, writing. I stopped publishing things after I got a mean comment once, my first one ever. It bruised the ego I didn’t even have so badly that I refused to publish anything for three years.

When I was 18, I published my first fanfic in 4 years. It was a Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring an OC and Spencer Reid. I was so fucking proud of it, and while lots of people loved it, a lot of people said mean shit. So, I posted Loki fanfic, which got infinitely more love, and then I did an alternate version of my Criminal Minds fic, that one got even more hate than the original. Then I published a Wallander fanfic. I haven’t touched them in 3 years, despite people asking me for more.

Up until this time last month, I never showed my writing to anyone. I kept everything to myself, hidden, I was ashamed of it. It is my only coping mechanism, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. My parents had my computer passwords up until I was about 16, sometimes they’d look through my text files and come to me later and tell me how amazing my writing was, and encourage me to publish it. But I never believed them.

On a whim, I started this blog; I love Boku no Hero Academia, it has given me something to look forward to every week. I live Chapter to Chapter, episode to episode, I track my time with it, it’s a coping mechanism. I saw that there was a decently active fandom on here, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hesitated on making the blog for a few weeks, thinking that no one would want to read my writing.

A month later, there are nearly 600 people here, constantly asking me to write scenarios and headcanons for them, telling me they love my writing, and think I’m a nice person, and that they’re glad I’m here. Every time I get a message like that, I cry. I never thought anyone would ever care about my writing, let alone write it. When I got a single follower that wasn’t a friend I know in real life, I cried. I was so excited. When I got my first request, I was so, so excited. When people began sending more stuff in, when people started talking to me and wanting to be friends, I cried. I’ve made a dozen friends on here as a direct result of their writing, and my writing.

I love running this blog, and I love writing for everyone. I have felt useless and like a waste of space my entire life, I’ve been told that my entire life, I’m made to feel like that every day of my life even now by the people around me, save for my friends, but when I log on here, I’m reminded that hey, maybe I’m not useless. If I manage to make even one person happy with what I do, that’s all I want.

So, you saying that my writing helps you, helps me. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to make other people happy, to please them, and my writing is apparently doing that. I’m really, really lucky to be in this position.

Even if you don’t have something like this, you’re not useless. You should be here. I know you said you’d never kill yourself because you’re too cowardly, but I’ve never seen suicide as cowardly, but that’s probably because I’ve tried to do it so many times. I’ve made a total of 8 attempts in 21 years. I don’t think I’ll be trying it again, though. It’s taken me 21 years to find something that I’m kind of maybe a little good at, that makes me even a tiny bit happy, and that does some good for other people, too.

Shit sucks, life is really awful, and I completely understand the plethora of reasons any given person would feel like wanting to die. I’ve never thought it unreasonable or dramatic to feel that way, it’s just how some people feel. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until 3 years ago, and even now I’m unsure if it’s really what I want to do with my life. I’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes that makes me feel like shite, and a lot of the time, the people around me try to ruin what little I have that I enjoy and that makes me happy…

Even with all that happening, somehow, I’m still here, and I’m writing this. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get your feelings, I hear you, they’re valid, and I love you, stranger. Because I feel the same way as you all the time. This blog is my escape from that. It’s really the only thing I have keeping me from my intrusive thoughts.

If you never come off anon, that’s fine, but if you need to talk about things, I’m here for you, or anyone else who needs it. Really, if I can even try to help, I’ll do my damnedest to help. I hate seeing other people feeling as junk as I do on a daily basis, I want to try and make it better. If being a friend, even if I don’t know who you are, helps, I want to help. If writing things helps, I want to do it. But, for me, it’s not just helping other people, it’s helping myself. You coming into the box helped me. So, you’re not useless. You’re keeping me here, too.

[taethereal]

Hello!! owo I'm the 500th follower and I thought I could come request something with vhope + "I'm going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else."

The lead-up to exams week hasbeen absolutely exhausting for Hoseok. He’s still got two papers to write inbetween practicing for his final dance assessment, not counting the actualtests he needs to study for. The common room has become his fortress, booksstacked up beside the couch, papers strewn across the coffee table, variousabandoned cans of cold coffee tucked between cushions and hidden under snackwrappers. He perches precariously in the middle of all of it, fingers peckingat his laptop as he works on a composition for his modern arts class. It’smind-numbing but he seems to be making progress.

He’s so engrossed, he doesn’thear the wet footsteps slapping down the hall until it’s too late.

Until his incredibly attractive,insanely oblivious roommate is standing five feet away from him, buck naked.

“Hyung, I’ve figured it out!”Taehyung shouts, hands tugging wildly at his dripping wet hair.

Hoseok stumbles over his words,his brain preoccupied with controlling his eyes and keeping them at arespectable height. “Uhm- You’re uh.. what?”

Taehyung throws his arms up. “Mythesis! I was in the shower and it just… people say you do your best thinkingin the shower and I never believed it but it’s totally true!” He’s agitated,hopping back and forth from foot to foot and there’s a wet sort of slappingsound with each motion. Hoseok averts his eyes entirely, gaze burning a hole inthe recliner to Taehyung’s right.

“That’s great, Tae, I’m reallyhappy for you.” Hoseok works very hard to keep his voice steady and his eyestrained on the loose thread on the seam of the recliner. He should fix that.Definitely should fix that thread and not look over to where Taehyung isstanding, wet and tan and really, really excited about this thesis thing.

Shit.

He glances and luckily Taehyungis distracted, but he glances for just a second and his cheeks burn and hismouth goes dry and-

“Listen, let me just bounce thisoff of you and see what you think, okay?” Taehyung says excitedly, moving tosit on the arm of the recliner that Hoseok was trying so hard to focus onbefore but is now an entirely unsafe place to look. “So I was reading thispaper by Dr. Kim, that guy I always talk about who spent a year with the penguinsin Antarctica, you remember?”

Hoseok misses his cue to speakbecause he’s staring so hard at the ‘shift’ key on his keyboard that theletters have jumbled all together and he feels dizzy. Definitely because of thekeyboard, not because of the way Taehyung is straddling the arm of the chair,staring straight at him while being undeniably nude. And still sort of shimmerywith moisture from the shower. And, like, really nude.

“Okay… well, anyways,” Taehyungsays suspiciously and Hoseok becomes instantly more vigilant, going so far asto pretend to type, even if he’s just pressing the ‘h’ key over and over. “So Istarted thinking about his theories on penguin social structure and it just cameto me! It’s a circle!”

Taehyung illustrates by jumpingto his feet and spinning in a slow circle. Like a rotating bakery display. Allthe appetizing goodies on exhibit.

“Is this real life?” Hoseokmumbles under his breath as he scrubs at his eyes. Maybe he fell asleep andthis is all just a dream.

“Of course it’s real!” Taehyunganswers his rhetorical question. He huffs and props a foot up on the coffeetable and leans over like Hoseok is about to get a serious lecture on the livesand times of goddamn penguins. It’s too much: absolutely, positively, too much.

“Tae?” Hoseok squeaks. “I wouldlove to hear all about this – really I would – but could you please put somepants on first?”

Taehyung glances down and, forthe first time in this conversation, seems to notice his state of undress. Hethen promptly seems to dismiss it. “Penguins have no qualms about nudity,” hemumbles as he stalks off down the hallway.

Despite the absolute absurdity ofthat statement, Hoseok can’t help but watch him go.

[darapnerd]

G33k HQ Presents: MC Front-A-Lot Interview

Interview Questions From G33K-HQ & Darealwordsound (Wordy): Nerdcore Interview Collaboration Questions

MC Front: Thank you for bearing with me! So sorry to continually drop the ball on this. Here you go.

Wordy: What was your first creative outlet? MC Front: I seem to remember kindergarten involving a lot of drawing. First and second grade had poetry exercises sometimes. But the way we played D&D between 2nd and 6th grades was how my imagination really got fired up. We didn\'t like dice and maps that much. We\'d take turns DMing and just sort of freestyle the stories to each other at recess. Wordy:  What was the first rap album you ever purchased? MC Front: It was also my first CD. DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, He\'s the DJ, I\'m the Rapper. Wordy: Who are your biggest music inspirations?

  MC Front: Tom Waits, Public Enemy, Bjork

Wordy: Describe your studio to us.

  MC Front: I have an Ikea desk that\'s been out of print for 10 years so I get fussy when anyone leans on it. Creaky, cheap old thing. It\'s the only one where you can bolt the rotating side shelves at any height. Perfect for the near-field monitors and re-aiming them for any version of the stereo field. I mix there in my bedroom which isn\'t treated, but I\'ve been in there so long that I can work around most of the room effects. I have a coat closet fully treated, very dead and dry, for vocals. I keep some buttons in there to engineer myself, but everything\'s still happening on the studio computer. My pre-amp and mics and monitors are satisfactory. I could use a better ADC/DAC.

  I will record occasional hand percussion, etc, in that closet booth, but very little fits in there. For other acoustic capture, I\'ll rent time at a real studio (any time I\'m tracking my drummers) or I\'ll go field-record strings at someone\'s apartment.

  A solid two thirds of the non-vocal sound on the albums is electronic, and I can get keyboard performances or work on drum machine material in the project studio without worrying about the ambient noises of Brooklyn.

  Wordy: Describe your ideal home studio if money wasn\'t a problem.

  MC Front: A proper treatment of the mixing room would be great. I guess I\'d have twenty of these Avalon pre-amps and a little drum room, as well as a booth big enough for upright bass or cello. There is almost unlimited fanciness available in the hardware market... I guess I\'d have to make a hobby out of shopping. I\'d still use Reaper as my DAW, though -- the least expensive version of that kind of software, and also the best. I could probably spend sixty grand on plugins.

Wordy: What is your creative process for writing and or producing a song?

MC Front: Baddd Spellah, my Canadian beatsmithing partner, has been kind enough to work on grooves with me for the last fifteen years. Usually I will start with something he\'s been kicking around, or he\'ll take a pass at some live drum that I\'ve been chopping up, and we\'ll add keyboard material from Gm7 (Gaby Alter), my longtime music co-writer. When there is a verse-appropriate groove that is in pretty good shape, I\'ll leave it on loop and write. Once in a while, I\'ll write a hook over a groove that feels like a chorus, and start from there. After I\'ve got most of a lyric, I\'ll put down a scratch vocal so that Spellah and I can build a full song arrangement. Then I\'ll record too many takes of the final vocal, and spend too many months dicking around with the comp, the mix, and all the instrumental details. Finally I\'ll listen to it on as many different devices as I can, fine-tune the mix, and stay up for a week and a half making increasingly bad decisions about everything on the album, leading up to the mastering appointment I foolishly committed to several months prior.

  Wordy: What is your happiest On-Stage Moment?

  MC Front: I think a PAX crowd demanded a second encore once. That makes you feel like a superstar.

Wordy: What was your favorite song to write or record?

  MC Front: Maybe Stoop Sale? But that might be because the video came out so well. For the most part, my happiness with the process relies entirely on the result: it makes me happy to listen to a track if I don\'t just hear a barrage of fuckups that it\'s too late to go back and fix. But there aren\'t very many of those. Of all my lyrics, I\'m probably proudest of Two Dreamers from the Question Bedtime album. I feel like I worked out every bit of the story and then obscured it just enough that the listener\'s careful attention is rewarded.

Wordy: What advice do you have for aspiring artists?

  MC Front: Practice a lot, develop your talent. Get the skills you need to properly communicate with whoever your creative partners are. Take the craft seriously but give yourself a break for not having mastered it -- that is a lifelong process with no actual end goal.

Wordy: What project do you feel best describes you as an artist?

  MC Front: The Nerdcore Rising documentary probably says more about me and the band than I\'d ever be able to, and in kinder words. Of my own projects, I like the Zero Day and Solved albums as a window into whatever it is I\'m trying to say about nerdcore.

Wordy: How do you feel about the disconnect between \"Nerdcore\" and \"HipHop\"?

  MC Front: Well, hip-hop is a cultural movement with very specific origins and elements. Rap is a formal music style that emerged from hip-hop. Any \'variation\' or \'new perspective\' that someone brings to rap is fine -- if meaningless. It might matter that you came up with a new thing to say, but the fact that you chose an unusual form for your expression should be the least interesting thing about it. You can write a march for your peace movement, even if marches come from military music, because the march itself is just a formal style of composition. You\'d be smart to note the ironic relationship there, or you\'d be dumb to suggest that there isn\'t one, or that your choice to use a march as an expression of pacifism somehow reaches backward and affects the origin of the form. Anyone who thinks they\'re \'expanding\' or \'liberating\' hip-hop from its roots by rapping about things that haven\'t been rapped about traditionally is probably an idiot. 

  My idea about hip-hop was only to observe that it was cool. Like, it was the coolest thing happening in American culture when I was a kid, and it probably still is. Breakdancers were the coolest kids on the playground. Graffiti kids were the coolest outlaws in fourth grade. And rappers were the coolest possible composers of verse.

  To want to compose and perform verse in that formal style without having any direct connection to hip-hop, and without being cool, is the sort of desire nerd kids might express by themselves, away from arbiters of hipness, and share only with other uncool kids. The idea of nerdcore went no deeper than that, originally. I\'m glad that a lot of other DIY rappers have found that resonant enough to expand upon.

  Wordy: Do you feel more \"Nerdcore\" rappers should know about its roots in \"HipHop\"?

  MC Front: Definitely. I remember trying to write a Villanelle in a college poetry class. First, we had to read and dissect a sheaf of them. The professor was of the opinion that we would all flounder in the assignment, because there had been only a handful of good Villanelles ever written. I\'m sure none of us wrote one of lasting value. The point was to learn how formal composition connects works, and to appreciate the complications. You can always just do it anyway. But knowing where it comes from and how it\'s been attempted before teaches you how to try to do it well. I think anyone who wants to compose lyrics within the rap genre should know all they can about how raps have been composed so far.

  That doesn\'t even begin to address the cultural issue. Some artists misidentify nerdcore as comedy music, and worse yet, think the joke is \"it\'s rap, but white kids are doing it.\" I think that outlook leads to the weakest possible songs, and is generally disrespectful of hip-hop in a way that concerns me and offends anyone who cares about American culture. Of course, not all of the nerdcore rappers are white, but all of the schticky ones are. I wonder if a delve into hip-hop\'s history would cure them of that impulse, or at least afford them the humility to hush it up.

Wordy: Are you involved in any philanthropy in your local communities or abroad?

  MC Front: I try to do something in support of Child\'s Play every year. I\'m going to contribute to the upcoming Worldbuilders album project.

Wordy: Can you freestyle? Meaning rap off the top of the head? If so, can we see you drop a few bars next time live?

  MC Front: I never do this! I think I\'ve conditioned myself into a certain kind of vanity. Almost everything on the albums is rapped in complete sentences, with rhymes that I\'ve never used previously. Freestyling doesn\'t work that way. I\'m too ashamed to let anyone see me freestyling about the frog, on a log, in a bog, who got sog-gy.

Wordy: Do you consider yourself a “GEEK”?

  MC Front: Of course.

Wordy: In your own words, describe what the word “GEEK” means to you?

MC Front: I decided at some point a long time ago that geeks are all direct descendants of the side-show geek, whose job was biting heads off of chickens. They weren\'t special in any way, except that they were willing and able to do that thing, and it was a fairly extreme thing to do. But because nobody else at the carnival was willing to go to that extreme, the geekery came to seem like a highly specialized skill.

  That\'s why you can be a geek about anything. You just need a topic where your knowledge or expertise is so specialized that it seems distastefully extreme to non-geeks. You can geek out about fantasy novels or about robot AIs. But you can also geek out about car engines or cooking. You don\'t have to be a nerd to geek out.

  Nerds are almost always geeks, and their subjects of geekery are often recognizably nerdy. But a nerd is something else, a person who was already too weird or too smart, and felt alienated, and embraced geekery as an alternative to whatever broader pursuits the cool kids enjoyed.

  Wordy: What is your earliest geek memory?

  MC Front: I was a Star Wars geek starting at age three and a half when the first one came out. It was the only thing I wanted to do. I made adults take me to see it 11 times before Empire came out (I kept careful count). I collected the Kenner figures obsessively until they stopped making new ones a year or two after Jedi.

  Wordy: What is your \"Geek\" hobby? Do you collect comic books? Anime? Video games?

  MC Front: I do still love comics, but I own too many. Video games take up less space. I spend more time gaming than I do working on music, occasionally 70 or 80 hours in a week. It\'s as much an emotional self-medication as it is a hobby.

Wordy: Who are your Top 5 emcees dead or alive?

  MC Front: In no order: Busdriver, MF Doom, Del, Q-Tip, Chuck D

Wordy: When is your next show or tour?

  MC Front: When I get the dang old album done! Maybe spring 2017 for tour. PAX South is the soonest lone show.

Wordy: Do you have a new album coming out?

  MC Front: It\'s called INTERNET SUCKS, and it is going to have a heavy \'get off my lawn\' vibe. Everyone will be mad at me, yet secretly agree with every word on the record. Watch for it to take your feeds by storm.

  http://frontalot.com

more at darealwordsound